Sex, Love, and What Else Matters - Flashback to Dr. Emily Morse

Episode Date: August 30, 2024

Episode 125. Dr. Emily Morse. Dr. Emily Morse, our modern-day Dr. Ruth, joins Kristen and Luke for an episode you can’t miss. You know her as the host of the epic podcast, “Sex with Emily” and ...author of “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure.” Kristen and Luke ask all of the questions: sexual IQ, oral sex, and even rebranding anal. According to Emily, the world is your orgasm! Sponsors: VIIAHemp - ViiaHemp.com and use the code DOUTE to receive 15% off Vionic Shoes - Use code DOUTE at checkout for 15% off your entire order at www.vionicshoes.com when you log into your account.  Follow us: @kristendoute @luke__broderick Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:00:40 Now that's some smart shopping. Conditions and exclusions apply. See in store or joefresh.com for details. ["Dreams of a New World"] Hello, our little lovers out there. Good morning. Good morning. We have like probably our best guest yet. This is we've been waiting very impatiently to have Dr. Emily Morris from Sex with Emily, the best sex podcast out there. Emily, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for having me.
Starting point is 00:01:16 This is so exciting. You guys can't see us, but we can see each other. And I see Emily's book that Luke and I were very excitingly going through last night as well as our lovely box that we got from you. Oh, I'm so glad. We love all our little prezzies. Makes me so happy. I love it. I hope the book was inspiring. It was. It got christened in the mood last night. It actually did.
Starting point is 00:01:38 Nice. I love that. See, that's the success story. That's where I do what I do. We like to call it research. Good research, I always say. That's how I started my career. That's one of the very first things I wanted to ask you and I did like an ask Emily anything on my social media. And this was the first time that I had a lot of either aspiring or people that are just getting into your field and they wanted to know, like it was like, I mean, probably 20,
Starting point is 00:02:09 30 questions from mostly women asking, like, I'm just getting into the field of sex therapy, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they wanted to know what inspired you? How did you get started? What is, what was that journey like for you? Okay. It's a great question. What I love is that you heard from so many young women because what started this whole thing was that, I don't know about you,
Starting point is 00:02:31 but I didn't know most people, I did not have a lot of great sex education at all. I had like one day at school where they were like, don't get pregnant and don't have sex because you might get an STI. And it was very fear-based and danger-based. because you might get an STI. And it was very fear-based and danger-based. And so there was nothing about pleasure. There was nothing about orgasm or connection or relational skills. So I was in my 30s and I realized that I was having sex
Starting point is 00:02:57 and it was always a little bit disappointing. It was just like, I knew my partner was always having an orgasm and having a good time, but I realized I just had no information. And when I started looking for other people to talk to at other sources, I found Dr. Ruth and really no one else. I mean, this was like over 15 years ago.
Starting point is 00:03:14 And so I just thought, you know, I really was like, and I was like faking orgasms. I was not having pleasure in all the things. And then I realized once I started covering things, I realized we need so much more information and discussions around sex. So it really started as a podcast in 2005 in my living room in San Francisco.
Starting point is 00:03:32 I used to live there and I invited a bunch of friends over in all different stages of relationships, like married, single, dating, dating online, dating on Craigslist at the time. It was like divorced, just everybody, gay, straight. I had them sit on my table and I started talking to them about their sex lives and relationships.
Starting point is 00:03:48 And I realized one thing is that people were really excited to talk about it. You'd think people would be very private and shy, but they were like, oh my God, no one's asked me this. Let's talk about it. And I also realized that everyone was searching for answers. So I knew after that day that this was going to be my life path.
Starting point is 00:04:04 And then from there, I started the podcast and I haven't missed it for 18 years. Like every week I released two sex with Emily podcasts. And then I, I've been doing that and I teach and I wrote my first book, my second book, Smart Sex just came out last week. But that's how I got started. But I went back to grad school and got my doctorate in human sexuality a few years into doing the podcast. And then, you know, that's like my passion. But what I love is that you had heard from 20 some odd women who are looking for this career because now it really is exploding.
Starting point is 00:04:33 And unfortunately, at the time, there wasn't really a lot of places to go. There was like one school in San Francisco. But now I believe there are more programs for I know there's some more really great programs people want to get into this field and we need it because there's a lot of relationship therapists but what you'll find is that when you get into like a relationship therapy that a lot of the problems are sex.
Starting point is 00:04:51 So I have a lot of relationship therapists reach out to me saying, can you help me? What should we do? What should we talk about? Because they're not trained in sex and it's very specific and it's very different. So we definitely need more people out there right now
Starting point is 00:05:02 talking about this and helping people. Yes, hell yes. I totally agree. And I also agree with you that I was excited when I was looking up all these questions coming from the listeners that they were, it was predominantly women just being like, I want to be in this field, which means women are feeling much more like sexually independent. They want to explore more, they wanna communicate about it, and they're excited about all of that
Starting point is 00:05:27 rather than kind of what you were saying in the beginning when you were in your 30s and you were excited. But it's like, so I'm 40 now, and even I remember, I can totally connect with what you were saying in my 20s. I was always very, I'm a very sexual person, I always have been, but I was also like it was about pleasing the man pleasing the man and I never really felt like um I don't know what the word like excited enough and like courageous enough I guess almost to like speak up yeah like
Starting point is 00:05:57 to speak up for myself and say like this is what I want and this isn't just a task to get this guy off yeah but it's about me and it didn't really hit me until my mid to late 30s as well that I started feeling like so independent in that way. Yeah. Well I love that you're saying that too because it's true that it's I was the same way and I think a lot of women the thing is why we need this is because what we're talking about is like performative sex is what we call it in the business. Like I was the same way. I was like
Starting point is 00:06:24 arching my back and making the noises and doing all the things and I was like, okay, he had an orgasm. He came. This must have been a wonderful time. Like that's a successful sex situation, right? Right. Because he had a good time. And the sad thing is that was like a long time ago like for both of us, but it hasn't changed that much. So I talked to a lot of young people in their 20s and it's still the same thing which is why like what gets me up every day and why we need to more comprehensive sex education because it's still very much based on male pleasure. And not to bash Luke here,
Starting point is 00:06:53 I know he's very like emotionally supportive and evolved man. And I'm sure he's not like that. But I feel that I've listened to your show. I love it. I love that you guys, the way you guys talk and you're evolving and working on yourself. But it's no fault to men either. It's just we look at porn and we look at all these other influences our society
Starting point is 00:07:12 and the fact that really no one has still talks about it. And there's a lot of shame. Yeah, like porn and also just in Luke and I've talked about this before, but even just in like your romcoms or your like, you know, erotic sort of films that are like R rated or you know, whatever it is, it's all very like the women want to dress sexy in order to please the man. And if you act like this, dress like this,
Starting point is 00:07:39 and that's all fun and great if that's what the, what you want to do as a woman, right? But like you rarely see these just these movies where the man is it's like the gender roles are opposite. So my thought or my question is something you said before that if a guy doesn't get off you feel like you failed. So it kind of ties into this right? And now is that a normal thing for women? Yes. Yeah completely.
Starting point is 00:08:04 I think so. I mean so funny normal. ties into this, right? And now is that a normal thing for women? If it's... Yes. Yeah, completely. I think so. I mean, so funny, normal, but yeah, I think a lot of women feel that if my partner didn't have an orgasm or if he couldn't stay hard or something happens, I'd love that you brought this up because I've done studies on this. The majority of women take responsibility.
Starting point is 00:08:21 They're like, I did something wrong. He noticed I gained three pounds. I give a really bad blow job. I'm a terrible person. And yes, we blame ourselves. We blame ourselves that something's wrong. And most time, I think you can probably test that it's really not about any of that. But sometimes your penis doesn't do what it wants to do. And it's not our fault. And if it is, hopefully we're in the time of life that everyone can like kind of talk about it. But I don't think that men do that as much. I don't think that men blame themselves and walk around feeling really bad if she doesn't have an orgasm. But you tell me. I guess I've always been, I'm like super in a sex, I'll just say like, um, and that is part of, I guess my pleasure is seeing the other person orgasm climax. Like I, exactly. That's like what gets me off. So so definitely for me and maybe that's more of a you know do you think okay so you're 32 now do you think that you always felt that way well I didn't always have the control that I have so I wasn't able to get there but I've always
Starting point is 00:09:19 wanted to I've always had that desire right no I think that there's two men like you I that's my my partner's like that too but like I've always had that desire, right? No, I think that there's two men like you. I, that's my, my partner's like that too. But like I've definitely dated men and I don't think it's every man. And I think we could teach that, but there's a lot of men who are definitely oriented around their partner's pleasure. So we're not saying all men and they literally like,
Starting point is 00:09:36 it's that's their thing. Like if, if I'm not into it, like my, like they don't want to do it, right? Like that's where you get off when she's into it and she's turned on as an orgasm. But I don't think that's every man. And I've actually spent a lot of time thinking about this. Like, is it because, is it the way you're raised?
Starting point is 00:09:50 Is it like, did you learn something? Like, how did you know that? Because I know like there's so many men who just, I think it's education because I actually want to give men the benefit. Like I think if they knew that like, if you give her pleasure, it's going to come back to you too and you will get yours and your orgasm's gonna happen.
Starting point is 00:10:07 Yes, I totally agree. You know what I mean? Don't you think? You've probably been with men who cared or didn't care, right, that you think it's where the loop is probably, yeah. You know what I'm talking about. The guys who are like jackhammering and like that was a good time.
Starting point is 00:10:18 Yeah, and it's like, or immediately like you're excited about the makeout. Even let's say, I mean, I'm thinking of, you know, somebody in my past or like not just one person of, you know, somebody in my past or like, not just one person, but you know, men in my past, where it's been like a fun hookup fling type of a thing, even, you know, like friends with benefits or whatever that was.
Starting point is 00:10:34 And it's like the most for me, I think in a lot of my girlfriends feel this way, like the fun in that is the excitement. So it's like, you start with the make out and then the foreplay and then you have sex and then it's like kind of over Okay, great But there was so much passion behind that but in my experience a lot of my friends experience It ends up just being like the guys like go down on me jackhammer. We're done
Starting point is 00:10:56 And it's like what is the fun in that? Oh So relatable we're so we glorify the glorify the blow job has the best PR. Like, right? Like you're like, oh my God, gotta give a blow job. We all want to give up a good blow job. A young people always ask me like, how do I, I'm like, what about oral going down on a woman? Like to me that needs to elevate and that has terrible PR.
Starting point is 00:11:16 Like we need some damage control around oral sex on a woman for sure. So let's like normalize that. So how often do you find women that are not comfortable with a guy going down on them? Because I've definitely run into that. Kristen specifically. Let's talk about oral. Okay. Because this was one of like, I think that was the first chapter that we went to.
Starting point is 00:11:37 This is the one I pointed out. I was like, we should talk about oral. There's a whole chapter on oral sex and smart sex for sure. And number one, I love in this book in smart sex and in general, the way you speak that you call them like penis owners, Involva owners. And that just makes me so happy, number one. But Luke and I were talking about it
Starting point is 00:11:55 and he said to me, he was like, yeah, well you, he's like, read this book and like you never completely surrender. And when I started thinking about it, I was like, you know what, it's weird. Like I asked Luke, I said, have you gone down on girls that were not your girlfriend before? Like, was that like a thing?
Starting point is 00:12:14 And he's like, I mean, yeah. And for me, and I'm just curious your thoughts on this, but I remember like my whole life, I will, I was like, no, a guy can't go down on me if he's not like my committed partner. It's way too personal. But he can put his penis inside of me, no problem. Right. What?
Starting point is 00:12:32 Yeah. It's like once I said it out loud, I was like that's a little ridiculous, but I don't know what it is. Like I think I don't necessarily trust. And now obviously I'm not talking about Luke, my boyfriend, but just you know, in our sexual past, in my sexual past, I don't really trust a guy to know what the hell he's doing. I feel like I'm gonna have to,
Starting point is 00:12:51 I don't wanna teach you what to do. I don't even know how to explain to you what to do. And really I think other than this relationship, because I'm very comfortable and we're very communicative, I think the only time I've truly gotten off a guy going down on me, just like, or someone going down on me, was a girl. That makes sense.
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Starting point is 00:15:48 Enhance your everyday with Viya. Okay, so there's a lot to impact here. First off, the answer to Luke's question real quickly, not all women love it, they don't, but there's many reasons. So this is, and I actually spent a lot of time, for some women they have pain, like it literally doesn't feel good
Starting point is 00:16:03 and that's a whole separate thing. But for many women that the receiving part, and that's why I think in the book, in the oral sex chapter, I do have a whole section on receiving, because I think for so many women, like you're saying, Kristin, we have a lot of shame attached to our vagina
Starting point is 00:16:19 and our vulvas. We think it's dirty. We think our partner doesn't really wanna be there. A lot of them don't know what they're doing. And or when they go down there, I call them the one lick wonders who are like, I'm gonna go down on you for a minute. I'm gonna lick you for 30 seconds
Starting point is 00:16:35 and then stick my dick inside. You're like, what? I mean, in that time, if you licking me for 30 seconds, you could have gotten me a glass of water and that would have been way more effective than what you just did right now. So I think that there gotten me a glass of water and that would have been way more effective. So I think that there's just a lot of misinformation or zero information that we take some time to warm up. You're going to be down there for a while. That's one thing. So women are like, oh my god, I've had guys go down there for three minutes. That's part of it. They don't really know what
Starting point is 00:16:58 they're doing because again, they're not taught. And so you look at this population of women who feel shame around it. They don't really think guys want to be there. And if a guy is there, they look at the clock going, he's going to stop soon. It's going to take me at least 20 minutes. Do we have that time? Does he want to be down there? And is my Volvo weird? Do I smell what's wrong?
Starting point is 00:17:17 I better just give you a blowjob and call it a day. So there's like, it's so I guess there's just so much to pack into that there's so much to unpack there. Because all of those things are going on at once. And I just really try to, in my book and in all my podcasts, everything, take out the shame and the stigma and allow people to unpack it for themselves. So what I love, like for the two, both of you,
Starting point is 00:17:35 Kristen and Luke, that you went through that last night and you realized that like surrender is a huge part of allowing ourselves to receive pleasure and really we're worthy of it. And we're with a it and worth a partner we trust who says, you know, I say this in the book too, like the best thing a guy could ever say, I think to me is like, hey, babe, or girl, hey, babe, I've got, you know, all night. I'm not going anywhere, lay down, like, I can't wait to be between your legs for the next three hours or whatever.
Starting point is 00:18:01 And then we can relax and be like, oh, you wanna be here, I can breathe and I can surrender. So, you know. And maybe this is, it's kind of just banking on that too, but it's like, do you have any tips? Is it like fantasizing or envisioning like that would help a woman surrender? Cause I'm speaking for myself and some of my friends, like even with my partner, even with Luke,
Starting point is 00:18:23 who's absolutely the most comfortable, the best sex I've ever had, the most communicative sex, we like to try new things, you know, we're not afraid to talk about all of that, yet still, I have a really hard time where he's like, just fucking hold still and just like enjoy it, like don't, like stop making me stop. Well, her head will go, I think I need water,
Starting point is 00:18:44 what are my dogs doing? Like her mind's just everywhere else. Yeah, I mean, but if we're having sex, it's like, yeah, but if we're having sex, it's like, that's all I'm thinking about. Right. Oh, interesting. So I don't know. I mean, interesting. Well, Kristen, I would ask you that. What do you tell me?
Starting point is 00:18:58 Because well, for the first thing you said when you're asking for advice, I'm like, yes, I tell women if they're not comfortable with it. One of my tips is and then we'll go back to you guys in a minute. One of my tips is for women to when they're masturbating to fantasize about someone going down on you. Like think about your partner going down on you so you can embody it. And it's not such a, you know, foreign thing to happen to you that you actually like, yeah, because embody it is a big part of it.
Starting point is 00:19:20 That's what I talk about. Sexual intelligence in my book and one of the first pillars is am I in my body? Am I connected during sex or am I thinking about the dog is barking? Am I thinking about someone walking in? Am I thinking about my boss, the thing I didn't do today? So that's a practice in itself. And so I think that one of the ways
Starting point is 00:19:36 is to fantasize on your own. But I would ask you, Kristen, so what is happening? Like, are you, do you feel like you wanna give them a little bit more feedback? Does it just not feel as great so what is happening? Like, are you, does it, do you feel like you want to give them a little bit more feedback? Does it just not feel as great? What is happening? When we were talking about it last night, Luke, cause I think you're just one of the lucky ones
Starting point is 00:19:54 who get, that I get off so easily in like- The intercourse. Intercourse. That might be it too. So she's just like, get to business. She's like, okay, that's fun. It feels good, but come on, let's go. Yeah, well, that's so, okay, so that is rare.
Starting point is 00:20:06 It's only 15 to 20% of women, as you know. I was listening to another show you did with another sex therapist who was saying that, yeah, only 15 to 20% of women are gonna have an orgasm penetration. So you are the lucky one, yay. And what I found is too, in the history of my work, almost 20 years, is that I hear often from women,
Starting point is 00:20:24 it's been common that for women who are multi-orgasmic or could have orgasms during penetration, they're less into oral sex and sometimes oral sex doesn't feel as good for them. And I'm wondering if that's a case for you and or the fact that you get off during penetration, is there something that's happening during penetration? If you can think about it that Luke could mimic, like maybe it's sticking a finger inside and finding your G spot and using a finger and his mouth. Or maybe it's using a toy at the same time.
Starting point is 00:20:53 Or like you could, have you guys tried that? Yes, we did. And for ladies too though, because these were a lot of the questions as well. Like what can we do to spice things up or take our time more? How do we get into foreplay more over a lot of the questions? And I think you sort of just answered all of that
Starting point is 00:21:11 where it's like, just try multiple things. Yeah, try a toy, try, you know, using a finger and going down and just masturbating while he's doing it as well. Like there's no wrong answer, see what works for you. Exactly, there is no wrong answers. And I think the big thing is that we're so afraid we're doing it wrong because of all the misinformation.
Starting point is 00:21:30 We're afraid we're not normal, we're gonna be judged. And so we just don't say anything at all. But the thing that I want people to realize and to open up is like, it's amazing. There's so much to explore with sex. And yeah, there's no wrong answers. Like there's nothing like try it. Like maybe you like a finger, maybe you don't.
Starting point is 00:21:46 Maybe you like toys, maybe porn turns you on together, maybe dirty talk. It's like, I just want people to explore with a partner who's trusting and open because then the world is, you know, your orgasm really. Like you can just go, I never said that before. I was gonna say, it's true though. It's like, like you, you.
Starting point is 00:22:04 You're coining this right now, Emily. The world is not your thing. Well, the world is your orgasm. I gotta write that before. It's true though. It's like you're coining this right now, Emily. The world is not your... The world is your orgasm. I got to write that down. No, but it's true. I was like, I don't want to say the world is your orgasm. So orgasm, but it's like, that's how it happens. You have to unlock ourselves. I mean, the great news here is that most of any sex challenges and problems we have can be solved with like communication and being open to exploring. Cause that very rarely is like something's wrong with you.
Starting point is 00:22:30 Why you can't orgasm like you actually are broken, defective and wrong, defective and wrong. Like that is just not the case. It's just all these cultural, you know, norms that or cultural, you know, misinformation and stigmas that keep us from it. So yeah, exactly play, fun, and everything goes. And I think in the book, I do give like,
Starting point is 00:22:48 I mean, really everything I've learned in 20 years, all there. So yeah, it's like all different ways to have oral sex positions, things to talk about, how to talk about it. There's scripts in the book, communication scripts, because people, once they feel free and they're like, okay, but now what do I say?
Starting point is 00:23:02 So then I break it down in scripts. But really it's just, you can just realize that we are holding ourselves, essentially we're cock blocking ourselves from great sex. Yes, okay, so you guys, all listeners, ladies and gentlemen as well, for real you guys, this book is incredible, Smart Sex. And you're getting like just the tip of the iceberg
Starting point is 00:23:21 from Emily right now, but this is exactly correct because I think a lot of women, again, I'm just speaking for women, but porn, you know, it's, porn I think is an amazing tool, however, I think a lot of women get in their head about it, like, well, if my boyfriend likes, or my husband or my partner likes this kind of porn, how can I possibly add up to that?
Starting point is 00:23:41 And it's like, but that's just, that's a fantasy. Exactly. That's not the real life thing. Just because my, you know, your partner likes this crazy wild, like what you were saying in the beginning, performative, that doesn't mean that you're expected to do that every single time. Now if you want to play around with that one time for fun
Starting point is 00:23:57 and throw in some lingerie and whatever, act all fun and crazy, that's great too, but it doesn't mean every single time has to be this big giant performance. And I think a lot of people feel that way because of what we see on TV. They really do. They really do. I mean, there's just, I think that porn without accurate sex education is sort of a disaster because we think, and that the porn is great and you can learn a lot from it. It's just this is just this is sort of a and statement that most porn is
Starting point is 00:24:30 made by men for men from the male gaze what they would think is hot what they want and it's just really not even accurate for how women like what turns us on and so I think we got to find porn that does work for us. And you know, there is some like ethical porn out there, female friendly porn that might do the trick for women. For me, I was like, in years past when I was sick of going to like Pornhub. And then the first thing I'm seeing is just like... Jack Hammer. Jack Hammer, Bukaki, Gorgie, like all this stuff.
Starting point is 00:25:03 So I would go and literally Google porn for women and find all these different sites that were specifically for women or, you know, areas on other porn sites that were more what women wanted. So ladies, like that's out there for you as well. Exactly. And would you find what was your experience with that? Like, I feel like most of them are there's more foreplay. There's more women on women. That's really hot.
Starting point is 00:25:27 Yeah, women on women, yeah, foreplay. Storyline. Storyline, there's a plot. You're like, I wanna know why she slept with a pizza guy. What was the relationship before? How'd she meet the ski instructor? Yeah, the buildup to it, rather than just like, walk in the room, go to town, go to Bangtown.
Starting point is 00:25:44 Which is like the last thing I want. Well, cause we've heard this a lot and do you agree with this? Like for men, typically it's very visual, it's physical and for women, it's like in our mind. Yeah, I hear that a lot. And I always say, but I also, I agree. And I also find that when we say that there's just as many men that I hear from
Starting point is 00:26:07 like, no, I'm really in my mind too and I really need to feel connected and I want to have a great conversation. So I always am careful about saying like men and we're like this and women are like that because it's just I've been so surprised over the years and learned so much that it's different. But I would say that, yeah, like if that's helpful to think about as women, like we, it's okay that you might need to have a conversation with your partner. You might need to feel connected. You might want some talking and some, some more like you might just maybe really important to you that you like, yeah, connect intellectually or you have, you feel safe or you've talked about your day. Like there's all these other
Starting point is 00:26:42 things I have in my book. It's called like your desire styles, your arousal styles, and you can figure out what is required for you to be turned on. And yeah, I do think that a lot of men are very visual and it's also, they immediately, a lot of men have this spontaneous desire and women are more responsive, meaning that when a man gets around, like sees you, right?
Starting point is 00:27:03 Like Luke walks in the door, he hasn't seen you, like, you know he's turned on, he gets an erection, it's external, we all know, Luke's ready to go. For women, it takes a little bit longer, we might have to think something, be touched, be turned on. Like, I always say, like, women are still cookers, men are frying pans, I think that is fairly true, the way we just, because our genitals are just the way,
Starting point is 00:27:21 like, you guys are external-facing, we're internal, it takes more work and time. So I think just to be it also is what I didn't understand that women respond more to things and men, it typically are more spontaneous and once I did, I think part of the bad sex I was having or the misinformation out there for a lot of people, they don't realize like it's, I just want to give women permission, but it's okay that you're not ready to go when he is like, it's okay that you're not ready to go when he is. It's okay, you're not broken, you just need a little bit more.
Starting point is 00:27:48 You want to make out for a little bit longer. You want him to slowly take your clothes off. You want him to go down on you for a little while or to give you a massage first to get you going. It's okay that we are different and we have to all understand this, but it's on us as women and men get to make their own requests.
Starting point is 00:28:05 But I think when I realized that I was responsible for my own orgasm, like I used to blame my partners. I was like, they don't know what they're doing and they're really bad in bed and blah, blah, blah. It's like, no, I actually, it's my turn. I need to know. I need to speak up for myself and explain what I want. And first I have to know what I want. So then I had to do all that work on myself through masturbation, solo play as I call it, because masturbation again, a lot of sex words are just not fun, but solo play is better than masturbation,
Starting point is 00:28:32 which also gets a bad rep. But that's where I figured out my body. And then I'm like my partner, and what I found is the right partners for you are gonna be like, thank God you know what feels good. Like, I don't want it. Like Luke, you could probably test to other partners who didn't know and you're like digging around trying to figure it out. How refreshing that
Starting point is 00:28:48 a woman's like, this is what I need, this is what I want. They're like, let's go. Great. You just said how you like had to find yourself and take responsibility for your own orgasm, right? And so is that part of the sex IQ? I think if you define it for our listeners and like talk about its significance, they'll find that super valuable. Yeah. So sex IQ is sort of the book is called Smart Sex, How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure. So the sex IQ thing kind of is there's five pillars of sexual intelligence that I write about in the book that I just sort of created as an easy way for people to understand that sex is holistic. Every area of our life is going to impact our ability to be sexually aware, turned on,
Starting point is 00:29:27 and to know ourselves better, because we're all sexual beings. And so the first pillar is embodiment. So basically know it, and here's the thing, it's not like a number you get to, it's not a place you get to. We're always looking at it, we're always troubleshooting these five areas,
Starting point is 00:29:40 and I want people to be aware of it, because also it's so liberating to know that, for example, the first pillar is embodiment. How in my body am I during sex? That's a practice. I give people tools to make sure that you are less disassociated, leaving your body during sex and how to stay present. And the second one is health. And I think for one thing, for example, people don't realize, and this might seem obvious to you, people don't realize that your health directly impacts your ability to be aroused and turned on and sexual. So for example, if you're on a medication,
Starting point is 00:30:09 if you're on an SSRI, if you're on birth control, blood thinners, there's just a lot of things that impact your ability to get turned on and have an orgasm. Just know that, that you're like, okay, well, how do I troubleshoot that? If you don't exercise or move your body, you might have a blood flow challenge
Starting point is 00:30:24 that could affect your ability to have an erection or to have an orgasm. The foods that you eat, right? So that's the second pillar. The third one is collaboration. If you communicate, how well do you communicate with your partner? Are you able to ask for what you want? Are you able to voice your concerns, right? So you might be really strong and embodiment strong and health, but you have never talked about sex with your partner, right? So this is all the areas. So when someone, you know, and then the fourth one is, is self acceptance. Like that's really about confidence.
Starting point is 00:30:52 Do I accept my body where it is today? Do I accept my experience to today? Like, where am I at this moment? And how do we work on being more confident in our bodies and in the bedroom and the filth one is, is self-knowledge. And that's like, do I know my, do I know what turns me on? Do I know my body? So yes, it directly,
Starting point is 00:31:10 that does relate to your sexual intelligence. So all those things, if I know what may, I've spent time self-exploring, I know my body, that's a big part of sexual intelligence. So it's like all these areas and are coming to you being a sexual person rather than, and this took me 20 years of work, it used to be I was giving people tips. Here's the right position.
Starting point is 00:31:31 Here's how to go down in someone. Here's all the quick fix people want. And I can give you that and the book will give you that and my podcast, God knows I have thousands of them, will give you that. However, that's just one thing. But if you look at it as underline, all these factors are playing into what's going on in the bedroom. So I think it's just really important. It's going to help people like I really want to
Starting point is 00:31:52 empower people to be their own sex experts. And so they can be like, okay, let me troubleshoot here. So I know certain things that oh, if I'm not, you know, turned on now I can think of why I can go okay, well, is it this? Is it that? Is it like my body? Am I not, did I not work out today? Do is my partner, am I mad at my partner? Right? No, I like what you just said about being your own sex expert because it's, I don't know the way what I just took from that part of it was like listening to your podcast and reading your book. It's essentially like when I go to therapy, right? My therapist gives me tools to get through the day. You're essentially giving people tools
Starting point is 00:32:27 in order to become their own sex expert of their own life and relationship and bodies, which I think is phenomenal. Truly, you know? Thank you. Yeah, I've never said that before either, but it's true. Like, because I want to give people the tools, but it's truly like, because I always felt like
Starting point is 00:32:44 I can't answer every single person. I try to answer everyone's questions, but it's all different. Like if five people come to me, five women come to me and they can't have an orgasm, they're all going to have different stories. Why? Right? One could have had trauma. That's a second pillar. One could just have, you know, be on like a medication. One just feels shame about it. Right. So it's like you can unpack it for yourselves. And yes, definitely become your best sex advocate and your own sex expert. That's awesome.
Starting point is 00:33:08 I love that. So the other chapter in your book that jumped out to me when we were looking, because it's a topic we haven't talked about much, but it is a very prevalent thing is about anal. Yeah. Why do you wanna rebrand anal sex? Oh, great question. The anal chapter, yeah. I to rebrand anal sex? Oh, great question.
Starting point is 00:33:25 The anal chapter, yeah. I want to rebrand anal sex also because anal sex is really, there's a lot of taboo around it. There's a lot of shame around it. And there's just a lot of misinformation and misunderstanding about it. So I want people to realize that it's just
Starting point is 00:33:40 another erogenous zone on our body that we all have. And there's some nerve endings that feel really wonderful when stimulated. And all the things that you might be worried about, pain and being dirty and going to the, you know, having an accident, getting the sheets messy, like I can troubleshoot that for you. We can help you with that.
Starting point is 00:33:57 We can get through that part. And once we can, like that's just all the stuff where people get just this one place. But if we can remove all that and you realize like, wow, if I breathe, I go slow, I'm with a trusted partner, I use a lot of lube, maybe it'll feel amazing. This goes for straight men as well. They have a prostate, which women do not have. And I love to interest men or empower men to kind of like...
Starting point is 00:34:18 Like toy around with it, yeah. Yeah, have a good time. Yeah. And I think that exactly what you said is I think that the shame is because of misinformation and not being educated. Because if you if people were like, I'm very empowered about how I feel about anal, you know, there are ways I like it ways I don't, I'm very comfortable with my body in that way. But I do think a lot of my friends like so at the end of every podcast that we do, we always will do this with you as well. So I do think a lot of my friends like so at the end of every podcast that we do, we always will do this with you as well. So I'll give you a heads up. But
Starting point is 00:34:48 we do like I would do anything for love, but I won't do blank. And when I've even asked just asked my friends 99% of the time, they immediately just go anal. I wouldn't do it. And I'm like, why? Like, why is that the very first thing? Are you saying that because you think it's the right answer to say, because you're afraid of it? Because you'd like to try it, but you don't know what to do? Or maybe tried it one time and didn't have enough lube and it was so painful that you're like never again. Yeah, like you're hooking up with some random dude and the jackhammer came through. Well,
Starting point is 00:35:19 no shit, that's gonna suck. Exactly. You know? You guys just nailed me. Literally all of those things like yes, yes, and yes. Maybe for many women, they had a really bad first time experience like oops, wrong hole. And you're like, oh my God, no lube. That was the most painful thing ever. Or yeah, there's a lot of like, yeah, taboo around it.
Starting point is 00:35:37 There's a lot of shame that it feels like, I don't know, like maybe it's gonna hurt or not feel good or maybe I'm not clean enough. And I think a lot of it goes to like, we just really aren't doing it correctly. Like you should never like, you have to use lube. You have to, and you have to build up for it, do it. You have to like, you know, start on the outside. You know, I have all the tips,
Starting point is 00:35:55 I break down all the positions and all the things, but I think that it's really just that. It's like shame taboo, we have done it wrong. And we, you know, we just decide that it's not for us. And I mean, and it's not even about anal, it's like shame taboo, we have done it wrong, and we just decide that it's not for us. And I mean, and it's not even about anal, it's like anal sex, the anal chapter is not just about penetration. It could be a finger, it could be a mouth,
Starting point is 00:36:13 it could be a toy. There's so many ways to play, to explore, and think about like, do I actually like this? So like start with a butt plug, like start with a finger. Right, start small, yeah. Start small, yeah, you don't have to like go right in, but just see like, if I breathe a finger. Right, start small. Start small. Yeah, you don't have to like go right in, but just see like if I breathe and I go slow
Starting point is 00:36:27 and I'm already like, maybe I'm already browsed, like it helps to already have had like a clitoral orgasm and to be really right. Maybe then you start to get more turned on and more in touch and then that would help you have more pleasure with it. So I just think it's the way we go about it. And again, nothing I'm saying is for everybody. I'm not saying that everyone needs to try anal before you die. I'm just saying if you notice that these are some of your roadblocks, just explore it. Turn some
Starting point is 00:36:53 of these stones over and say, oh yeah, maybe that's it. Maybe I should try it again. Yeah. It's like if you're curious about something, give it a whirl. Talk about it with your partner. Just give it a try. And maybe it won't be for you. Like again, reading in your book and things that Luke and I have talked about as a couple, role play. Something that feels like it's not for me. Before we get into that, I've got another question about the whole anal side of things. So let's say-
Starting point is 00:37:21 We can't rush through anal. Okay. You're right. We can't rush through anal. Never go from zero to anal. Right. Exactly. Let's just say I have a friend who- Is it really a friend or you? No, it's not a friend. So a tip basically if say the woman does enjoy some anal play and small toys but has a fear of the penis because of the size. Yes. How do you move forward with that? Okay. So no, but as a fear of the penis because of the size. Yes.
Starting point is 00:37:46 That's real. How do you move forward with that? Okay. So no, that's a really real concern too. I think that you just got to try it. I mean, definitely there's like anal training kits you can buy. I have a lot of... I just launched a great like commerce store on my site that I've been wanting to do for years.
Starting point is 00:38:02 It's curated with just like my favorite toys that I love. And there's like B-Vibe makes this, it's all at sexwithemily.com. And B-Vibe makes this anal training kit that literally has different sizes that you can build up to and see which ones feel good. And then if your partner is really big, I mean, really it's lube, go slow, you breathe, you go in like bit by bit and you communicate and yeah for some partners It's just too big. It might just be like this is never gonna happen and that's that's real but there's ways to kind of like miss eyes around her anus first and open it up and Just go slow, but I think it shouldn't be a deal-breaker But I actually have heard from many women like it's how big it like if it, really big, like there's just sometimes like that's just really not going to work. And I just
Starting point is 00:38:47 want people to know that if men are listening, that I've had more in 20 years, women and men say that their large penis was a problem, rather than their small penis. Right. So I just want people to know that it's, that can actually be painful in the vagina or in the anus. But I like this training kit idea like that. Because trust me, I have a drawer full of all the toys you could ever imagine, but not something in that way where it's like I have the small, but not the work the way up to. Yeah, exactly.
Starting point is 00:39:19 Yeah, that's what it is. It's really fun too. There's one of them that vibrates, one doesn't. There's an enema, there's a lube shooter in it, which I love. It's like literally shoot, it shoots lube like up your ass. You can like shoot inside. And ladies, like you could, if this is something you're nervous about or you know, you want to try this stuff, you can try on your own. Where it's like if this is where you need to start in order to become more comfortable, you know, you can, and men, you can try this stuff on your own to build up that comfortability.
Starting point is 00:39:49 I mean, that's what, you know, that's what I did. Great. I highly recommend it. I love that you did that because I do recommend if you're nervous about it, definitely during your masturbation solo time, try it out. Like, see what gets yourself a butt plug, right? Like buy yourself, figure it out, put a finger inside. Yeah. Put a finger inside yourself, figure it out, put a finger inside.
Starting point is 00:40:05 Put a finger inside yourself and figure it out. And I think that's why a lot of this stuff is so good to do on your own. Because then you really get to explore and you're not like figuring it out with a partner. And it's all about your pleasure, which at the end of the day is like what we want sex to be. It's not a chore, it's fun, it's pleasure.
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Starting point is 00:42:02 Head to the FanDuel Sportsbook app. They got more ways to bet, more ways to win, and more ways to cash out quick. You can cook up same-game parlays on any MLB or soccer game all in one place, not to mention golf, tennis, and more. Download FanDuel and get more from North America's number one sportsbook. Please play responsibly. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connexontario.ca. Okay, so now can we talk about role play?
Starting point is 00:42:30 Yes, we can get to role play now. I don't think, I don't know if we've ever talked to anybody about that before. No, we haven't. To be honest. I think we brought it up one time when it was just us. Yeah, like where we just talked amongst ourselves. Yeah. Cause Luke's always like, if you've done it, I forget.
Starting point is 00:42:44 No. You've never done role play have you done it? I forget. You've never done role play either. I'm totally down though. Yeah, and I've never because to be honest, I just feel ridiculous. I don't think I could like stay in character. I feel like I would, and I know it's okay to laugh and I feel comfortable where it's like,
Starting point is 00:42:58 if there's a ridiculous moment, I'm not gonna not just laugh and go, I feel ridiculous right now. I don't know, just what are your thoughts? What are your recommendations? Because it's something I want to be able to do. Role play is just like another way to like keep it interesting and hot. It's like, but you're just kind of picking different roles. And you know, you're discussing fantasy playing ahead of time, hopefully, like there's like a background story and the porn that I love, the porn that a lot of women love is this fantasy role play sort of story building. So if that's the fantasy we love to do our solo play to, how do we bring that
Starting point is 00:43:33 into the bedroom without feeling ridiculous when it's like the thing we love the most? Yeah, no. So I think first, this is like talking to your partner about it and saying like, and in my book, I think I've like a bunch of role. I know I do, but I have a different 69 question part, but I have a bunch of role play scenarios, like probably like 100 of them. And and I think you just sort of talk to your partner and say, would you be would you be down for this? A great place to start, though, is like Sexy Stranger, where you agree to like
Starting point is 00:44:00 meet at a bar or you you're you're going to a restaurant and you go in first. Then your partner joins you and you each pick like a different name or you pretend that you just met or at your first date and you don't have to totally take on another role, but you are just being, you don't have to be like a policeman and you have to be someone driving a car, but you could just sort of play with that. Like, so I think it could just, so that's a great way to start. It's like, it's kind of fun.
Starting point is 00:44:24 Just even if you do it for five minutes. Like sometimes my partner would do the whole walk in and be like, so is anyone sitting here? And then I'm like, okay, we're gonna do that. We'll do that for like five minutes. It's just hot to think about like, oh, I didn't, when I didn't know you and you know, we just kind of played it's just kind of a little bit of fun teasing.
Starting point is 00:44:37 But I think it would be fun to go through and say like, what is my fantasy? You know, I think one of the big ones is like massage therapist and patient, client. So a fun thing to do is to say like, okay, we give you a massage tonight and I'm going to pretend and then you can walk in and be like, okay, what kind of massage do you want today? And then you're just lying there and you can just kind of breathe and sound like, you know, could you do a little bit harder or softer? So you could pick a scenario that's actually a real thing that you would want to do and that you find hot.
Starting point is 00:45:04 Maybe you saw in porn, you know, maybe it's something that you would want to do and that you find hot. Maybe you saw in porn, you know, maybe it's something that you've actually fantasized about and then talked your partner about it and know that it might be just, you might laugh, it might be silly, but this is the embodiment part. If you just get into your body and you breathe through it, I'm telling you, breath is going to solve or help facilitate so much, I think, of what people are craving during sex because when you remember to do like deep breaths, it automatically brings you back to the present moment. So picking a scenario that you actually find hot is a great place to start. Like if you don't think it's hot to be like a prison mate and a prison guard, like don't do that one.
Starting point is 00:45:37 But if there's something that's been in you like I think massage is a big one or like teacher student and just sort of maybe you go shopping together and buy like a costume. Maybe you're like always wanted to wear a school uniform. So when you put on that uniform, that little outfit, it makes a lot easier. Even if it's for 10 minutes, like you've been naughty, I'm going to spank you. Right. It's sort of what? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:45:57 It could take you out of the moment and it's just something different. It's just something new and fun. You're engaging in something together. So you're actually playing together. And you'll find it could be just like really hot and different. I think we want we crave variety in relationships. We're so used to doing the same things over and over again. So role playing is just another way to literally play. Yeah, I love it. Do you want to? You used to be a cheerleader. That's true. I can be like the football coach. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:46:25 For the first time I feel like the whole dressing up, whether it's the school girl or whatever it is, you just talking about it was the first time it's ever clicked to me. If you think about Halloween, when we do want to be the slutty version of, because it makes us feel like this is the one day a year that we can dress however we want to and like feel hot and cute and like different. So it's like, well, take that for example, you know? Yeah. I know that's Halloween, it's not quite the same thing,
Starting point is 00:46:58 but why is it on that one day a year, I still at 40, I'm like, yeah, this is my excuse to like, look kind of slutty. And it's awesome. Well, wait, Kristen, I love this. This is such a good tip. Why don't we just tell everyone if they're nervous about it, whatever, if you why don't you like wear your Halloween costume again one night and be like, babe, I felt so hot when I was dressed up as a slutty nurse of the slutty. I was a slutty nurse. So will you be like my patient or will you be the doctor that seduces me?
Starting point is 00:47:25 Like, I'm just gonna put this on. I already have the costume. I wore it in October. Now it's July. Like, that's a perfect way to do it because you already must have picked that for a reason. So just go off of that. And that night you're, you know,
Starting point is 00:47:35 hanging out with all your friends and your boyfriend and you're like, you have your whip or whatever. I don't know, whatever your like, your accessory is, your prop, right. But I feel like on Halloween, everybody just feels so comfortable to be whoever that character, that costume was that they wanted to wear.
Starting point is 00:47:53 So why not on another day in July or whatever? Hey, it makes sense to me. I know, right? I love it. And sometimes it's just a wig too. Like sometimes it could just be something different. Wear a wig, it doesn't have to just be something different. Wear a wig. It doesn't have to be a whole production.
Starting point is 00:48:06 Like a whole getup or whatever. If you have a wig. Yeah, that's fantastic. So does this apply to your desire inventory? You know, you're saying to take a desire inventory. You mentioned that in your book. So I guess it all kind of ties together, right? That's the whole, what makes your book so good.
Starting point is 00:48:23 But I just was curious to go into this whole desire inventory, because it is difficult for a lot of people to actually get their mind to the point where they know what their desires are. Exactly. Yeah, no, that's a really good point. And I think I kind of have a little desire quiz in there to that house. People realize like what is actually required for me. I maybe I needed to be dressed up. I need to be showered. I need to feel sexy. I need compliments.
Starting point is 00:48:44 My partner, I want to love and be like I need to be showered, I need to feel sexy, I need compliments from my partner. I want to love when we like, maybe my partner, I do something adventurous together and that really turns me on. Are we trying a new restaurant? You know, just, I think that just, I give so many tools that people can come at it in different ways because most people don't know.
Starting point is 00:48:57 I'm just gonna say this, and I don't often speak in like superlatives like this or say most people don't, but I'm telling you, most people haven't really thought about what is required for me to be in the mood for sex. And so desire inventory is just one way to figure it out. If you're like, oh yeah, I love dressing up.
Starting point is 00:49:14 Why am I only dressing up at Halloween? Like, why don't I do it other times? I have all these costumes or all these things. Like I used to go to Burning Man. I used to go to Burning Man closet of things that I would, it's just fun, right? Like where are those sexy things, but just don't wear them in the bedroom.
Starting point is 00:49:27 Because the other thing, I don't know, Chris, if you found this, like I have so much laundry and things, but sometimes I'm just like tired. It's nighttime. Like, what am I gonna put it on? It never works under your outfit that night. So you don't wear it out. And then it's like annoying.
Starting point is 00:49:39 So now it's like, why not on Saturday morning? I'm gonna go in and wear it. Or I'm gonna, we're gonna like make a night of it and stay home. Or when we're watching Netflix, I'm gonna put it in and wear it or I'm going to, we're going to like make a night of it and stay home or when we're watching Netflix, I'm going to put it on. So it's ahead of time, just, just kind of creatively troubleshoot what you want the end goal to be and then reverse engineer it. Like what needs to happen for me to be in the mood, turned on, connected to my partner. It's fun.
Starting point is 00:50:02 Yeah, reverse engineering. I like that. Yeah, ladies, like think about it. If you were to just, rather than it's, again, back to this performative thing, or what does he want, but like, put the lingerie on underneath whatever it is you're already wearing instead of just your underwear. Or like, you know, put on like these different, this different pair of like thongs,
Starting point is 00:50:19 or whatever, something crazy that he's never seen before that make you feel really good about yourself, and feel sexy and cool. And then when it's time, it's like, oh, I took my t-shirt off and I'm not wearing a bra, but I'm wearing this like really hot thing underneath. And like that wow factor is not just for him, but it's for you because the way it's gonna be received
Starting point is 00:50:40 is then going to turn both of you on, I think. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, totally. Yeah. on, I think. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Another question I got a lot, which this surprised me actually, so I'm curious, but a question I got from a lot of women that have never used sex toys ever, vibrators specifically.
Starting point is 00:50:57 This came up a lot, that they were afraid to use a vibrator. I'll kind of lump this, but the way that it was kind of worded, they're afraid to use a vibrator because they're afraid it's going to desensitize them from like sex later and it's something I've never thought about and I think maybe women don't know how many different kinds of vibrators there are, different speeds, different, all sorts of different things that you can do because I do agree there are some that are just for me personally, far too intense and it doesn't really do much. So I wouldn't say even desensitize me.
Starting point is 00:51:31 It's just like that's too much for me. It's not working. But I thought that was really interesting because it's something I've never thought about that they're afraid to use it because they're afraid it'll desensitize. Yeah, let's talk about that. I think that you're absolutely right that there, if you've never used a toy before, you probably have this image of it that in your mind that it looks like a big penis, it's going to go inside of you, it's going to vibrate, it's going to do all these things. And I think that that's one thing. And maybe vibrators, I mean, I
Starting point is 00:51:58 do know they were like that like 20 years ago, but the amazing thing that has changed is that there are so many wonderful vibrators right now that literally fit in the palm of your hand and they have 12 different settings, really low settings to higher, more intense settings, and you can just use them to tease externally, like you're vulva, you're clitoris, and just play around and get you going, get you aroused because it's just to rely on a penis going inside of you, which we've already clarified that most women need more clitoral stimulation, which is why they're not having an orgasm
Starting point is 00:52:31 during penetration. So there's so many ways to use a vibrator. You could, your partner could use it, you could use on them. And by the way, like they feel great on men too. Like a low setting along the shaft and the balls, perineum, you know, it's just, if you think about it this way, we are all covered in nerve endings and our primary rodent stones have a lot of nerve endings.
Starting point is 00:52:51 And why just limit the sensation and the stimulation to using a fingers or a mouth, like toys feel great too. And so I think, yeah, maybe if you're only using toys in a really high setting, that's all you do. And then you're with a partner and you're not turned on at all. Sure, maybe you'll feel desensitized, but nothing is permanent. You're not like damaging nerve endings for life.
Starting point is 00:53:12 You just have to say, okay, I'm gonna back off now. If you do get desensitized, which I haven't, I don't, again, if you're mindful, I don't think that's gonna happen, but then you just kind of start to reintroduce your fingers, your mouth, your penis, and you just go slower, use a lower setting. But again, what's better? What would you rather have?
Starting point is 00:53:30 Like zero orgasms or more pleasure, more orgasms, more arousal, finding the right toy for you, for yourself? So it's just, again, I think it just all comes back to communication and just trying things out. Don't be shameful about anything. Like everybody is different. Every experience is different. Your partnership with, you know, my sex with Luke is different than
Starting point is 00:53:53 this person's sex with their partner. Like everyone is just so different and you really just need to find out what's best for you. And you know, all of you that are, you know, listening to this podcast, everyone that listens to Emily's podcast, everyone that reads her book, and everyone that asked me all of these millions of questions,
Starting point is 00:54:08 thousands of questions on Instagram. It's like, you want, there's a reason that people are asking these questions because they really want to have a better sex life. So she is telling you, give it a shot. One of my favorite quotes of yours, Emily, from the book is, pleasure is productive. I mean, I think a lot of people don't think of it that way, but it is self-care.
Starting point is 00:54:33 It is, I think it is good for you, whether or not people can compartmentalize or whatever, just like wrap their head around the fact that that is true is difficult too. And you say right in the very beginning of your book, the question is could great sex actually last? Like, yes, it can, is what you're saying. Everyone knows in the beginning stages,
Starting point is 00:54:54 it's fun, it's exciting, yay, awesome, and then life happens. And if you are married or you're with a long-term partner, life happens, children, dogs, life, money, jobs, blah, blah, blah, but it doesn't mean that your sex life has to go down the drain. Exactly, it takes work. It really does, but it's the kind of work
Starting point is 00:55:15 that I lay out in the book that you can't, and in all of my work is that, yeah, it's the kind of work is really communicating when's the right time for us to have sex, what turns us on, and knowing that it's going to change and that couples who aren't talking about it aren't going to be able to sustain a healthy long-term relationship in their healthy sex life because they haven't really uncovered all this stuff. And it's totally possible.
Starting point is 00:55:38 It's just like, let's talk about it. Let's figure out what turns us on. And you could do this work. And that's why this book is great. I'm glad that you read it together. And I highly encourage people to do this with their partner or buy it for friends that are in a relationship. Read it, bring your partner into it, whatever works. If you're single too, I think it's an excellent book to read to know there's a lot
Starting point is 00:55:56 in there for everybody. But the pleasures productive part I think is also main premise of the book is that we often, and I know you talk about this too, Chris, like you work so hard, we're hustlers, we get things done, we're like busy, busy, busy. It's hard to like think about like, I deserve pleasure. In fact, the more pleasure I have, the more I prioritize my pleasure, I'll be more productive, I'll be better at my job, I'll be a better girlfriend, I'll be a better lover, right? So I think that's why Luke brought that up because it's like, if you can reverse your mind thinking pleasure isn't something that's conditional,
Starting point is 00:56:28 like once I finish this task or once I do these 10 things, then I'll, and pleasure isn't just sex. Pleasure is hanging out with friends, going out, going for a hike, going shopping, whatever it is that makes you feel good in a healthy way is pleasure. And the more we put that into our life and not as a carrot to something else, we're like much healthier people. Pleasure begets pleasure
Starting point is 00:56:51 too. So the more we prioritize it, the more we'll have. Okay, then I just have a couple like little quick questions because in your book, of course, we read about shower sex and lubrication. And again, this is something that like, I always, I have opinions about my girlfriends and I talk about it. Like when you see movies and people are like having sex in a pool or in a hot tub and like shower sex. And I have, and so I'll speak for myself and some of my friends.
Starting point is 00:57:19 I have a really difficult time because the water makes you dry. Yes. And so you mentioned silicone lube, which I'm so not familiar with because I, as we were looking through like all of our lube yesterday, I was like, do I even have any of that? And it's all water-based.
Starting point is 00:57:35 Yes. Silicone lube is amazing. I love, if you go to my website, I have Uber lube. I love it. It's silicone is basically, so here's the thing about silicone lube years ago. People don't really need history, but it got a bad rap because it, but I don't remember what people got infections. It's not even really true. So here's the point about silicone
Starting point is 00:57:52 lube. Why I love it. It's slippery. It lasts longer. You don't need to keep reapplying it like water-based lube if your body can tolerate silicone, which many people can. And I love, again, I love uber lube. It's a beautiful bottle beautiful bottle sits on your nightstand yes when you take a shower it washes away your natural lubrication so you're drier and when you're dry you have more tears you could have more infections it doesn't feel as good so you want to use a silicone lube the only thing about silicone lube is you're not supposed to use it with silicone toys which most toys are made of silicone it breaks down the silicone and this is my unpopular opinion but I feel like just down the silicone. And this is my unpopular opinion,
Starting point is 00:58:25 but I feel like just wipe the silicone off after with a toy cleaner. Cause I basically, I mostly try to use silicone lube just cause it's easier and lasts longer. And it's great for the shower and great for all the things. So yeah, shower sex is real. And it can be also a little bit, I think I give tips in there too,
Starting point is 00:58:39 because I know I do that it can be, you have to be careful too. You have to be like in the right position. Like there's a lot of like, you want like sex, like sex you want to be in like sex that maybe they are because Our snacks when you like fell over and hit your head and i've heard so many stories like that So I also give some positioning tips too Yeah, I think because I think a lot of people want to have shower sex because it's like oh, let's like we're i'm getting naked This is hot and we're cleaning ourselves. We're not going to be a mess to clean up.
Starting point is 00:59:06 Okay, this isn't working. His works, but mine isn't working. Oh, God. So, you guys, it's a real thing. I'm definitely going to go to Sex With Oli and get my silicone lube. And then my last just quick question that I did get, it's one of my personal questions,
Starting point is 00:59:22 but also a question from a lot of listeners, about morning sex. My personal questions, but also a question from a lot of listeners about morning sex. My personal experience, men love morning sex. I don't typically, and a lot of the women that wrote me are the same way, they're like, ah, when I wake up, I'm kinda groggy, I'm not really feeling it. I just tell Luke because I trust him and he's my partner,
Starting point is 00:59:39 and I'm like, if that's what you want, just go for it. Because we're partners and I trust him, just do it. I know I'm gonna like it once we're doing it but I don't I'm not turned on in the morning and he is do you find that typical and that's common because they're waking up with an erection and they're like what am I gonna do I could just let this go or I could put this inside of you you're right there and like roll over and yeah you know so but I can see with women when we talked about the arousal runway and that we are more like slow cookers,
Starting point is 01:00:08 that morning sex, we're just waking up, we're tired, we're not aroused and turned on typically like our partners. So I think this is another way to compromise in a relationship and be like, I don't want it every day, but maybe once a month, twice a month, I'll be okay with it. So that's the thing, but this is why vibrators are great. Lube is great, happy on your nightstand. Okay, I guess it's happening. Let me grab my vibrator, make sure that I'm going to get off too.
Starting point is 01:00:29 So it's a pleasurable experience. But again, we don't, yeah, it's like just a matter of talking about it with your partner. But I get it. Like get a lot of women. It's not as popular. That's very common. Okay. Yeah, very common. Okay. Amazing. Anything else? This has been so awesome. I mean, we could go on for hours and hours. we'll have to definitely have you on again. Yes. I love it. Well, let's end it with our question then, Luke. I would do anything for love, but I won't do. Ooh, I would do anything for love, but I won't do...
Starting point is 01:00:59 Oh, God, I do so many things. It doesn't have to be sexual. It doesn't have to be sex. No, right, of course. I know, our brains so many things. Doesn't have to be sexual. It doesn't have to be sex. No, right, of course. I know, our brains immediately go. I won't be with somebody who hasn't done their work. I won't be with anyone who hasn't had therapy and done work on themselves. That's a good one.
Starting point is 01:01:17 You got to have your shit together forever. I have my shit together, yes. Please have investigated your mother issues and your father, by now. Just figure it out. I'm not here for that. Oh my God. Yeah, you know what?
Starting point is 01:01:28 I'm gonna tack onto that one. That's gonna be mine for today. I'll do anything for love and I won't be with anyone who doesn't, who can't, yeah. I've never done therapy. You've done it with me and you, I feel like you're your own therapist in a way. You're very in tune with yourself.
Starting point is 01:01:44 Yeah. What's yours today, Luke? Do you have one? I had one way. You're very in tune with yourself. Yeah. What's yours today, Luke? Do you have one? I had one, but no, no, I had one. And I feel like it's just too soon and terrible. Oh, okay. No, I wanna hear. Yeah, go for it.
Starting point is 01:01:54 I was gonna say, I would do anything for love, but I won't take a submarine down to see the Titanic. Oh my God, Luke. Jesus Christ. You're like too soon. I laugh. Okay, well, I agree. I wouldn't do that either. Okay, Emily, you like too soon. I left. Too soon. Okay.
Starting point is 01:02:06 Well, I agree. I wouldn't do that either. Okay, Emily, you are the best. Thank you so much. Tell everyone where they can find you if they don't already know. Everything is Sex with Emily by website, sexwithemily.com. My podcast is Sex with Emily. I release two a week.
Starting point is 01:02:17 And my new book, check it out. It's Smart Sex. And all of, we can buy it wherever you buy books and all social media is Sex with Emily. Yes. And we will link all of this below and everybody, if you're living under a rock and you don't already listen to Emily's podcast, do it immediately, you're rated five stars and we cannot wait to talk to you again.
Starting point is 01:02:33 I'll be here, thank you so much. Thanks Emily. Awesome, thanks Emily. Talk to you guys next week. Make sure to follow us on social media. You can follow me on all platforms at Kristen Doty and follow Luke on Instagram at Luke double underscore Broderick be sure to click the subscribe button so you can stay up to date with new episodes. Thanks for listening See you next week

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