Sex, Love, and What Else Matters - It All Happened - Last Night on VPR

Episode Date: April 20, 2023

Episode 23. SPOILER ALERT!! Kristen introduces a new segment called “It All Happened” where she and her friend Cam break down last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules. Tune in to hear a behind the scenes sneak peek of reality TV and about a mysterious group chat when news of #Scandoval was first revealed… Follow us: @kristendoute @luke__broderick Email us: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What is up my angels? This is a new segment I decided to do and I'm calling it, it all happened. And tonight and the next, well, many Thursdays, it's gonna be about Vanderpump rules because you know what, you guys asked for it and I'm here to give it to you. So here's my take. But first, I want to introduce to you my co-host for the night because Luke is in route

to California from Colorado. And I have a Bravo fan who's one of my besties and she is the owner founder of the best wellness company in the entire world, and where I get all my soundbaths and tarot card readings. And I've learned how to do breathwork. And I have good jujutspray and tinctures and fucking, so many things.

Cam, hi, Cam. Hi, hi. Thanks for having me here. It's my friend Cameron. And clearly I'm losing my shit because I just love altar so much. Thank you. So please follow the altar at the THE-AL-T-Y-R on Instagram.

Oh my God, you're the best, thank you. Trust me, y'all, they're the tips. But Cam is a self-proclaimed bravo fan. Absolutely. For my closerlaimed Bravo fan. Absolutely. Put your mic closer to your mouth. Absolutely, true. Maze balls. And she watched Vanderpump before we actually became friends.

Absolutely. Also true. And I'm still friends with her. Yeah, she's still friends with me. You fucking love you. So we're going to recap last night's episode for y'all because this shit is wackadoodles and I've said on my podcast before as well as on Sheenas and on Lala's that I have not watched Vanderpump rules in many years because you know why. However, I am so intrigued because of the scum-de-ball,

scum-de-ball of it all. I've said it once, I'll say it again. I feel like I'm watching Shutter Island, the sixth sense. I need to watch this shit till it's bitter, bitter end. You know what I mean? I'll be there. So let's get started. First of all, again, I can't believe I'm doing a video about Brawl's free cap. I don't know.

Feel the love of God. But I do want to give a huge shout out to Evolution Production Company for the drone shots. Y'all, that shit's fantastic. Don't you agree? Beautiful. Like the way they're shooting the season, it's just like bigger balls than when they shot

the seasons I was on. I guess I'm just not really paying attention to that kind of stuff, especially given everything else that we have to pay attention to. Okay, that's fair. I do pay attention to it. But good job, Evolution's now. Yeah. And attention to it. But good job, evolutions, now. Yeah.

And then, but then let's go like Debbie, what did she say? Not even Debbie down our Debbie, something Rachel said. So we're going to open with Rachel and Charlie. The random photoshoot for no reason. Thank you. Way to open. I'm sitting here going, evolution, I give you props.

Good job, Bravo. And then you open with the random ass photo shoot with the extras. And then I don't know if it was Rachel or Charlie, but I'm going to want to pretend that it was Rachel who said I'm thirsty. It's good with that. It could have been Charlie, but I would like it to be Rachel.

Rukkel. And I was like, it was a good moment. Yeah, and I was like, yeah, but you're dehydrated. You are thirsty as fuck. Use correct. But yeah, all Caminette, we just kept thinking, why? What is this? What is this?

Why? What is it for? What are we wasting our life on? Yeah. To open up a very epic episode. Yes. FF. So we're moving on. And then we get to some good shit.

Katie and Tom. Katie goes over Schwartz's apartment, to pick up my little pup fused, my nephew's puppy nephews. Gordo and but a boy. And that was also lackluster. The second she opened the door and actually went inside, I was like, what is happening?

We're not supposed to go inside, we don't go inside. We're all because of that. You and I are now, right? Well, especially given everything that happened in the previous episode, we're now where there are mortal enemies. Right. Because of the kids with Rachel.

Yeah, you did say that. You're like, I was like, wait, why is she even going inside? I don't understand. But I said they co-parent, so she does. But let's just talk about how short lived it was and listen, shorts, shorts, you're boy, I love you. But in this moment, I just love Katie Moore and Katie slayed that shit.

She did. Because I was like, why is she going in? But then she was not staying. No, she wasn't. Short starts like bitching and complaining to her about, I mean, and it was sad. I'm not saying he's an asshole, like an asshole by complaining, but she just immediately says, that sounds awful. See ya. Not my problem. Not my problem. Bow the fuck down. Katie Maloney. Clap, clap, clap,

clap, clap, clap, clap, applause. And with that, I would also like to give a shout out to all of my girlfriends on Vanderpump rules, all the bitches I'm friends with, for your glow up. Shout out to Katie, shout out to Ari. Shout out to Browse, the eyebrows we're on point. Yeah. Katie, Ariana, Lava, Christina, Kelly, Shina, fucking honeydabies.

All of you all look stunning. All right, that's all we have for Tom and Katie's moment at the apartment. Really, Katie's just shut it down. Yeah. And then we move on to shorts and sandable. They're at shorts and sandies. They're talking to Brett the manager.

And again, it's almost like just another dumb comment. It feels like a time filler. It's like a dumb conversation. They're like living in Peter Panworld. And all I hear is the shrieking Tom Sande of all voice, whining and bitching about how hard his life is and no one understands. The best part of that scene for me, aside from my feeling the manager was going to cry at some point,

but that's besides when it was when Tom was calling San Diego out on his shit. And I was thinking I'd never heard him actually call him out on his ship before ever. And is it because he's not a man alive? But is he also like extra angry because of the Rachel? Didn't that already happen? No, I don't think it was about Rachel. I think it was because Schwartz has his actual money on the line as well.

It was like an actual business anger. Yeah. That's legitimate. And Schwartz is like, yo, I'm going through to force. And my wife and I had to sell our house. My life is shattered. His dad was sick. I'm not giving shorts all the excuses in the book as to why he and Katie. I'm talking about the way he is with Tom Sian of all.

But it's like, shorts has a lot of shit on his plate. He's not off painting his nails wearing sequin bell bottoms that he stole from like Rachel's closet or something. And like doing all this shit while Tom Schwartz is like bleeding sweating out for Schwartz and Sandeys. You know, and I just feel like Schwartz was in the right in that in that moment. Oh, he absolutely was in the right. I fucking loved it. Yeah. But if only shorts, if you could stop being such a fucking pussy and just live, live that right. Like, live that way. Don't like say your piece and then be like, it's okay, Tom. It's fine. It's okay, bro. I got your back no matter what. Team Tom told the endully owned, like Jesus fucking Christ. Anyway, oh, wait, I have to talk about this. So then, they quickly discuss, you know, all of the things that are shorts and sandies,

what needs to happen, it gets very heightened, and then all of a sudden they're like, want to do a shot together, like it was no big deal, weird. And then, sand of all throws out out nobody's performing an A plus You don't How about that like a lot of people performing an A plus in all sort like not just the entertainment industry, like literally in all areas of life. Yeah. People perform at A+. Homey.

So, just not you. Maybe that's why your shit is going downhill. Think about that. Next we move on to the most boring scene of the entire episode. Lisa, Garsell, and Sun, K-A Oliver, which just felt like a time filler, but Garsell, and Sun, the K-A Oliver, which just felt like a time filler, but Garsell looked so hot. Yeah.

That's really the only thing I took out of that entire scene. I just stared at Garsell and I was like, she looks stunning. The lighting is perfect on her. Her outfit is amazing. Her face is beautiful. And the other two are seat fillers at the MTV TV and movie awards.

I was just bored by the whole scene. Cool. Well, it's them we move on. Also, it's like they were, I think they were, I don't even know where they pumper or serve something, but I felt like they were like, Villa Blanca. That's exactly where they were. I thought they were it, but I thought like, what just happened? Which does exist. I thought the exact same thing.

Maybe they filmed there. It felt like a villa blanca scene. For like, the housewife season two. What do I, like the middle table? And she was like Kyle and like Alexia, like come out lunch with me. Oh God, all right, moving forward. Now we are at a real crossroads.

We got a Tom and Arianna. I'm gonna say, we're going to Ariana and Tom's house. We're going to Ariana's house. We're going to Ariana's house. Katie comes over, looking fly as fuck. Oh my God, that outfit was good. That leather hat. Everything.

The picnic basket, Ariana has the best eye makeup. Tom looks horrible, per usual. I'm not just saying that, or maybe I don't know. No, I have no personal interest in the Tom situation, but I don't like the mustache. Yeah, or the nail polish. I mean, I don't like I'm talking about his nail polish in a way to blow off work. I'm going to go get my nails done because I can't walk around with grubby ass nails. Okay, Tom. So now shout out to my amazing besties,

Katie and Ariana, like my homegirls shout out to something about her. They sign the lease, they have the space, it is theirs, it is on Robertson, Roe, Hellsbells, yeah. And they discuss shorts and Rachel swooshing. Okay, really fast too, you guys, sorry. I'm gonna back up really quick.

Buy something about her merch, go to add something about her on Instagram and click the little link at the bio and buy their merch, open their restaurant. Okay, so then they discuss the three of them, shorts and Rachel swooshing. And Ariana is like a fucking girls girl, but she does stand by her shit,

but she's sitting there just defining that Ritelle's not a whore, right? She's standing by, that is so Ariana, and something that used to annoy the fuck out of me about her when I wasn't her friend, and something I appreciate so much about her now, is that she just stands by, but she believes in regardless of who is around her,

but she's still kind, you know what I mean? So they're like in the kitchen, are you honest defending Raquel? And then Tom is just being an idiot to Katie, and then he brings up Joe. Oh, yeah. He brings up girl Joe. Yeah, it's girl Joe.

So you guys, I have to give my little piece on this real fast. There's a reason we say girl. Joe, it's because the VPR crew and I have a friend very close to us named Joe, who is a male person. And whenever we would say, I would say Joe, because she was my friend, not anyone else's, everyone fucking hated her. No one could stand her for like eight years, y'all. And I have not spoken about this yet. And I'm not going to give it too much energy. However, I would always have to say Joe, and then they were like, which Joe?

And I'm like, girl, Joe. Nope, she's not allowed, she's not invited, she's too much, can't stand her, etc. So they bring up Girl Joe. And I just, I could count with her. I can't. I was about to go into a tangent and now I feel depleted already. Yeah, she just sucks you guys. And everything Katie said about her is true.

So that's where I stand. And did you know, here's a little tidbit for the fans. He said about hers true, so that's where I stand. Yep. And did you know, here's a little tidbit for the fans, that, oh, I don't know if I can say this, I'll give it a little bit, because I did film for Vanderpump for like a hot second with Ariana. I'll just say this,

because I think I'm not allowed to say much more. Joe sent Ariana a text, right right when the Rachel shit went down that night, I believe, if not maybe the next day. And it was a group chat that included Ariana and Tom and Rachel. And Joe had the audacity to send Ariana to include Ariana in that text. And if it does not air what that text said, I will be back on here for the finale episode and I will tell you exactly what the fuck it said. Dang.

But I kind of want to cut Eric Kelly's tendons for it. It's all the same thing. Dang, can't wait. OK, my next note is, oh, you asked me a question when we were watching the episode. What? About why Lisa was giving advice to everyone. Okay, yeah. You were curious, right?

Yeah, but what were you thinking? Well, in the restaurant stuff also, I was like, why is she the one that is relaying the news about the restaurant and not being able to open at the end of the month? Because it's not her restaurant. Right. So I was a little bit confused about that part. Like, hadn't Greg and Tom and Tom, like sat down and like, I know that they had their position and Greg had their position,

but like, it seems like they only really believed it when Lisa said it. Right. And that was bizarre. And it is bizarre. And you know what my answer is? It's a television show. Oh, oh, and I am no longer on band or pump rules,

so I can say whatever the fuck I want. Got it. Lisa has nothing to do with anything. As far as, you know, let's color from Mexico and see what she really thinks. That's to give her airtime, because she's an executive producer. And the show is named after her. So, thank you.

10 seasons later, you gotta give the lady some street cred and some airtime, you know what I mean? All right, I understand. That's pretty much it, because no one works there. They sure don't. Sorry to burst your bubbles. Oh, now let's go to the scene. This is this was like chills down my spine. Oh, so see you. Tom Tom. Tom and Tom and Rachel and Lisa Vanderf

Yes. Tom inviting Rachel to sit on the bankette. In between them. And I know all of you VPR fans are watching it the same way we are. Like I said earlier, like it's your watching the sixth sense, like the second time you're watching things through this, like bloody red colored lens, you know, this very like demonic colored lens. No rose colored lenses here. It was like horrific to watch.

It was terrifying. It made me really sad. The way that he was drooling, drooling over her was also pretty disgusting. Just like Lisa calling him out on the drooling. Yes, pretty funny. You know what? I'll give LVP a little shout out for that. Yeah. Yeah, it was so weird and then I can't remember what they were talking about, but I wrote down shorts, was like, do you want to share? Do you want to share something?

And yeah, let's share her. And you and I looked at each other and were like, do they mean share her? Because at this point in time, you guys, this is now like end of August beginning of September. Lala's birthday is the first week of September. So Tom and Raquel, Tom St. of Al and Raquel have already been banging by this point. And I don't think I don't know shorts, I don't fucking know.

I don't know. I'm still learning as I go. But like, what an awkward moment. How could Santa Valkyb doing this? And then all I think about is how we mendel thing, which I'll get to at the end, but like, holy mother fuck, okay. So now we go to fucking Rachel and I just can't buy her sob story about anything,

about all of her, about feeling like a horror. Well, she was defending herself for being a, I can't believe that my life is this because my life's turned upside down because I'm a mistress, Oh, just wait that yeah I You know what you guys I will be the all my listeners. I fucking love you guys But all the trolls too, you know what I love you and I'm the first to call myself out that yes

Over a decade ago. I made a really crappy mistake and I paid the price. Okay, that's the damn difference. I paid the price. These were my real friends for a very long time, which maybe probably actually makes it worse in a sense. However, I paid the price of like a year and a half, almost two years of like not having anyone even give me the time of day. And I did the work. I didn't cry a river. I didn't say like, why does anyone understand me anymore? Like, no, I moved past that and I went to therapy and I busted my ass and that's why I'm a changed woman. This bitch is crying a river. Tom Sanable is crying a river. And when Tom Sanable said, Rakell does not have a bad bone in her body.

I wanted to break his. That's a good line, bit. I just did. Yeah. I don't know. I'm overwhelmed by it. So then we cut to Roach. I mean, sorry, Rachel.

Shall we have it? Lala's birthday party. Oh yes, that was really amazing. That's true. How did you feel about that? I felt like you're not invited. You don't get to go places that you're not invited. I mean to be fair, I used to show up all the places I was not invited.

Okay. I agree with you. I just have to call my shit out to people don't. No that's good. I'm like Eminem in the last battle rap of eight mile. I'm like, I'm about to tell you everything you've got against me. Nice. But yeah, Roach shows up. That's what I'm going to call her now. I like that shows up at Lala's birthday party. You don't show up at Lala. No. Kends fucking birthday party. No, but I will say it's a television show. It is a television

show. And I wonder if she had a call time or if she actually told the producers, I wanna go. There's no way she doesn't have the personality, the balls, the hootspa. That's true, for lots. For lots of. She has no hootspa.

She's got no hootspa. Yeah. She sounds very produced in this episode, everything she said. Yeah, and I wonder, I do wonder if she's produced or if it's like the pageant thing or a mix of both. Yeah, probably both. Performative.

But the pageant thing doesn't help her with her public speaking. And I felt like in this, it was like, I'm going to tell you a line and then you're going to say the line. Yeah. And she could do exactly that. And not do it in her own way. Right, which is a shitty part. Right, just totally repeated exactly as it was fed to her. Because I'll be honest, you guys, I've done reality TV,

I'm shocking. Yeah. And there have been times where I flood with words in my interview bites, and I've asked my producers, like, this is how I feel. This is what I'm thinking. Can you kind of help me trim the fat?

Can you help me do this better in a sound bite? Because I might be long-winded, shocking. But like, there is that. That's what they're there for. But yeah, I agree with you, Cam, that like, it just sounded like she just kind of tucks like a robot and two syllable words are like really hard sometimes Like I fucking can and the way she even talks like it sounds like Tom Santa Valls like getting into her brain

Because I cannot handle number one. I could say earlier his whiny ass bitch ass voice, but his Diction it always irritated me when I dated him. He would go, Christina, Corristen, and now he's like, Rakehela, Rakehela,

Arianna, do you listen now when I talk? Like, shut the fuck up. So it was really annoying because Lala actually gave Rakehela hell and then gave her so much grace. She did. Lala Rick Hell was lying to her fucking face, begged for forgiveness, lied to her face.

And Lala went, you know what? I'm going to give you grace because I knew that one time I needed it. Yep. It was beautiful. She looked beautiful. That shirt was amazing. By her we mean Lala. Yes.

Obviously. looked beautiful, that shirt was amazing. By her we mean Lala. Yes, obviously. So we sort of end with the best part of the whole episode for me, the Abby. Oh, the Abby at what I am. That was a fucking little Easter egg that I did not expect. Nor did I even know about until I watched this episode. I do not recall my friends telling me

about this little nugget of information. Okay. That was crazy. It was Ali, right? Ali, James's girlfriend. Yes, she was the first one. She so shut out to Ali. I'm like, I'm sorry, you're dating him, but good for you, girl. Yeah. You said shit. Yeah. When you see something, when you see something, say something. Like, they tell you on the subway in Manhattan, if you see something, say something, and Ali did. And she said, I saw Tom SantaVal dancing with Rachel at one o'clock in the morning at the Avi. In a way that I would not feel comfortable with.

Yeah. Bing, but a boom. That was iconic as fuck. Yeah, good job, Ali. Shout out to you. And then shout out to Katie for calling Tom out directly. 1 million percent. Katie fucking wins. I want to just wrap this up in a boat. Did you listen to any of the Howie Mandel? I read some clips. Okay. How do you feel? I feel like some sound. I feel like I'm gonna talk about this for weeks because I

don't have it in me to talk about it all tonight. Right. Okay, so I will give my take then. Yes, please do. Yes, okay, so how he can say that he broke up with her when, I mean, you're right, we'll never know what happened behind closed doors when the two of them are there, but I disagree. I feel like I know what happened because I felt like it was my break up speed.

It does not seem like, oh my gosh, right, right, right, right. Everything that he was saying, so I don't believe anything he said, but keep going. I just didn't like how he was blaming her. I didn't like any of the things that he was saying because none of that stuff excuses why he didn't just break up with his girlfriend. Right.

Like you fucking pussy. You're blaming it on her that you didn't have the balls to break up with her while you are already cheating on all of this Like she should have known stuff like it seems like she should be able to read your mind But that's not how it works, dude. No and Kim's married doll She's been married for a long time. She has kids. She's been in a relationship She's been in lots of relationships, and she's really fucking smart. So you're hearing from someone who's a non-reality personality,

like just someone who likes to watch the show, who is my friend, but actually is a really fucking smart human with a long-term relationship. And you don't just, yeah, like, well, she should've known, and I tried to break up with her, but she just like, wouldn't let me. Like, what did she fucking like hand-cuff you, like, saw version, like,

if only you to saw your own arm off, Tom. Then you can break up with me. Oh, God, you're 40 years old, homie. You're almost 41, actually. I'm so tired of all of the daily mail and all the tabloids being like, Tom, 39, no he's not younger than me. Fuck off.

Tell him. Yeah, reveal. So the Howie Man del thing, I was with you, I did not. I did listen, I actually did listen to a bit of it. I tried and I probably won't talk about it after this because there's nothing more to say. Other than the fact that it was just garbage and not once did he, all he had to say really was,

I fucked up and I understand why I'm in the position that I'm in because I fucked up. And I'm sorry to Ariana. It was just like his first public apology on Instagram. Her name was not mentioned once. It was like, I'm sorry to my business, my this, my image, all he said was my image, my image, my image. And that was very uncanny to me during this episode

because that's what I heard from Raquel, like the underlying tones about her image. And I felt like it was Tom like coaching her. About the way that she was gonna be perceived on Instagram and things like that. Yeah. So I'm dying to see the reunion. Dying.

I cannot wait. I cannot wait. We're weeks away still, but I'm dying because I obviously spoke to all my friends, pre-Runion, post-Runion, I was with some of them. And also Lala being on Watch Your F and Slive last week. I'm dying because I obviously spoke to all my friends pre reunion post reunion. I was with some of them and also Lala being on watch our F and S live last week. Right. Saying the reunion like you'll die, the finale you'll die.

I have y'all, let me just tell you this bunch of bullshit and then we're going to cut this off. But I don't even get to see these episodes ahead of time. I asked for them. And they're like a previous cast somewhere. I can't see it. Even if she has a podcast, but we'll give it to you know other people. So that's cool. Anything else you want to throw in Cam? Just how excited I am for the reunion and the rest of the season and I can't

wait to see how it unfolds. Holy shit. It's gonna be wild. Buck Wild. All right, y'all, well, that's our take on VPR and tune in next Wednesday. As always to hear sex love and what else matters. And next Thursday, and we're gonna keep this going until the end of Pump Ends. And then I might keep going on, I don't know, Bachelor of Nations. On.

Yeah. All right, Lurnation. Cam, you're the best and you're coming back because this is so much fun. I love you. I love you. Okay,. All right. Oh, Camry, the boss, and you're coming back. This is so much fun. I love you. I love you. Okay, bye-bye. Bye.

Make sure to follow us on social media. You can follow me on all platforms at Kristen Dodie and follow Luke on Instagram at Luke Double Under Score Broadred. Be sure to click the subscribe button so you can stay up to date with new episodes every single Wednesday. Thanks for listening. See you next week.