Sex, Love, and What Else Matters - Self Love with Dhyani Bella

Episode Date: October 11, 2023

Episode 64. This week, Kristen and Luke are joined by Dhyani Bella, sound healer, yoga teacher, and wellness consultant. They discuss cultivating self love, letting go of the "pick-me" mentality, and red flags vs beige flags! Tune in now! Sponsors: Head to FACTORMEALS.com/doute50 and use code doute50 to get 50% off Follow us: @kristendoute @luke__broderick Email us: [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

[♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Welcome back to another episode of Sex Love and What All Smatters. What's up guys? Hi, Lou. Hi, baby. Oh my gosh. Our road trip has finally come to an end. It sure has. Back in LA, and I never thought I would say I'm so fucking glad to be home. We had a blast. I'm happy for it.

It was awesome. I needed that recharge. I needed to get the hell out of here. I needed fresh air. I needed to walk around with no shoes on. I needed to like not sit in front of the TV or be in my car all the time. And I had so much fun, but I'm really glad to be home. Good.

I fly out tomorrow. I know you do. I never thought it'd be a long-distance relationship. Did you learn anything about me while we were on our road trip? Or about us? I was just curious. I would say I didn't learn anything, just confirm some things I already knew. Like what?

That you are happier and calmer away from Los Angeles. Oh, okay. Very much so. I was bored, though, too, I was a little bored. Would you trade a little boredom for a little less crying and a little less stress and like chaos? Well, it's a tough one. I don't know.

Okay, okay, okay. I don't know. I mean, I think I learned that if we can put IQ for an intro together and drive across the country for the second fucking time, that, you know, we're pretty good together. I agree. We're great together. I love you. We got this. Okay guys, we have a very special guest today. This is my girl. This is my girl though. And she's a yoga teacher. She is a sound healer. She's

an all-around badass woman. And not the stereotypical like what you think of sound healer. Hi, Deonie Bella. Hi, my love. I am so stoked about this because you, and I just, we fucking vibe, dude. Like we vibe on like our past crazy, our past relationships, all the red flags, our 20s, just all of that. But, and I think that I'll speak for myself,

especially as someone with like major ADHD, I was at ADD more than ADHD. And I love love, I love myself, I love all sorts of healing, crystal-ly, all the shit, right? But I can't handle the like, okay, everyone, like come and like take a breath. And I'm like, dude, I gotta go to the fucking trailer, Joe's.

I don't have time for this. Oh my God, I forgot to mail the thing out. And I just can't focus, right? But I want to, I want to. How did you get into it? And I know, just talk to me, girl. I'm like, I am you. I too hate that voice.

I care yoga teacher. Yes, but you don't need to be a yoga teacher with that voice. You can actually have your own voice. And that's even like, yoga, have your own voice. But you don't have to actually have teacher with that voice. You can actually have your own voice. And that's even like yoga, have your own voice. But you don't have to actually have that octave voice. How did I get into it? My parents are both crazy hippies.

Like Woodstock, both of them hippies. My dad's a yogi. I was actually named by a yogi. My name means one who sits in meditation, which is- I didn't know that. Yeah, there's a reason. That's wild. I love that. I know, idea.

Yeah. Luke's met me for 20 minutes and realized that's probably not happening today. So I actually repelled that whole lifestyle up until 30, basically. And then kind of started, like, we'll get to it of working on myself and figuring out things. Sound bats specifically I got into just because I was super depressed and super anxious. So a friend of mine invited me and I was like, what is this?

I don't even know what a sound bath is. So is it like a deprivation chamber? I'm like, you, every man thinks that. They're literally like, are you deprived? No, what? I get that or I get, are you bathing me? I'm not doing either in a fact. Yeah, this is important.

It's not, it's very weird. Sound baths have you seen the bowls? Sound bowls? Yeah, oh, okay. So there's no water in balls. No water not doing either. And it's not important. It's not. It's very weird. Sound bats have you seen the bowls? Sound bowls and crystal bowls. Yeah. Oh, OK. So there's no water in bowls. No water is involved. OK. Gotcha. I don't bathe people, contrary to popular belief.

What else do I not do? Yeah, it's just sound. So it's basically like a concert, like an acoustic concert to help clear your subconscious mind. And you play loud enough that people kind of can't hear their own thoughts. Like you kind of out of your head. So could you combine that with a deprivation chamber where you are like, it's sensory deprivation.

So you like float in saltwater and it's dark and you like feel, you know what I'm talking about? If you just only hear and you feel like you're floating, I don't know. You could and I think you just came up with a good business idea. Okay. I like that. So you can be the investor. There you go. Hey, I can do it right away. Extra savings?

Yeah, no. That's cute. It's really sweet. In this apartment. Yeah. Yeah. That is a really good way to describe it, though, for people, because tuning forks, sound baths,

I've found personally that I grasp onto that a lot more than, I mean, I've done Reiki. I've had Reiki like done to me and I've definitely have felt things and I've done breath work before and that was pretty fucking wild. I was a little like, man, if I don't get, if I don't cry or something at the end, am I, did I do it wrong?

But I was like, dude, I feel like I'm on drugs like in a really nice way. But I like, that is the best way to describe it. It just tunes out your thoughts. You shut that voice up in your head. Shut it up. That breath worked too though, if you're doing it correctly. And also, I never tell people, this is the goal, right?

I don't want you to, you can cry. You don't have to cry. You can fall asleep. You don't have to fall asleep. There's no normal. I always say this in my things. There's no normal. There's no abnormal.

Everything goes. I like normal and abnormal instead of right or wrong. Yeah, but also like what's normal? Right, I don't know. Boring. Boring. Normal is boring. Weird, where are the weirdos, mister?

But yeah, I really love that because you are so much fucking fun and you have such a fun like wild, like so many fun wild stories. Like I do and like some of our girlfriends do wild, like so many fun wild stories, like I do and like some of our girlfriends do, just like so many experiences. Like you and I were just talking before the podcast where it's almost like bucket list things. You didn't know where your bucket list,

like it wasn't like, oh, I wanna skydive into the Grand Canyon. And that's my bucket list or some shit like that. It's like things you've gone through, that you're like, that is a fucking rad story to tell one day. That's how I feel. Like, if I have grandkids, I may rephrase that when I have grandchildren.

Yes. Although I'm almost grandmother age. I mean, we're not. What does that make me? We're both geriatric pregnancies at this point. Beyond. We're both high risk now. Yes, actually.

Yeah. This has become a high risk situation. Oh, Jesus Christ. High risk situation, guys. both high risk now. Yes, actually. Yeah, this has become a high risk situation. It's just a high risk situation, guys. Red flag. Yeah, there are stories that I think will be like, Oh, your grandma was cool or your mom's cool. Like even if I am geriatric, I'm still cool. Yeah, because like,

Bros. Mom didn't do that. Exactly. Yeah. Okay, we're going to back up and then we'll get kind of back into what you're doing now because I will say as your friend Well, you kind of said it already like it until you were in your 30s You basically rebelled against like the way that you were brought up and your parents like I would love to have I've loved my I love my mom, but no offense mom. I would love to have had your parents

Do you say that now though? We won't we don't have I mean If you if somebody tells my mom, like, oh, Deonnie's so great, she raised such a great daughter. She always says, oh, she raised herself and I'm like, that's not something to be proud of. You didn't parent me. And now I just crave structure. And I go to therapy and I'm like,

create structure for me. My parents didn't do it. Oh my God. I too crave structure, but I rebel against it. Yeah, that's the pain in my ass. That is the pain in your ass, because you're very structured. I went for the, not my type. I try to be structured, but flexible with you.

That's like the combination I have to dial in. Because I'm a flighty ass aquarium. I was literally about to say, I have to ask, what do you know your zodiac sign link? Of course. It's a tourist. You say, of course. You're like, and that's not fair. It's crystal.

So maybe you can talk to them. No, I know. I've known for a long time. I'm not a tourist. You say, of course, you're like, and then that's crystal. So maybe you can talk to them. No, I know, I've known for a long time. Oh, you are. Yeah, yeah. When's your birthday? 424. Oh, okay.

So sometimes when I read a source code, though, I'm like, yeah, that one doesn't fit, but he was technically supposed to be in airy. So let me go read that one and see if that one fits. Yeah, I was like 10 days late. Where is into circles, Kristin? I think I was 10 days late and it was the 22nd as a cusp. Is that right? Something like that.

I don't know, whatever. It's so Kristen and I'd be like, well, he doesn't fit that. Let me read a different one. I'm molded differently. And it will make perfect sense. So true. What I've noticed as your friend,

and you can correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like you decided to shift into the spiritual healing because it helped heal you to help others. And so it's like you weren't gonna do it for just yourself. But you were like, well, if I can help others and then in turn it ended up helping you.

Yeah, it's like how people say go volunteer, it helps yourself. Yes. That was literally like, oh my God, I need help, but also, so does everyone around me. But yeah, I think there's, it's funny because my gong that I have, there I am, my gong Luke, he's like, what? I have four of them. I want to see your place now. You can, yeah, welcome. You don't live here. So my gong, the first gong I ever got is actually a kairang gong, and it's the gong of the wounded healer.

Ooh. And I was like, oh my god, that's me. Yeah. And I'll never say like how we were talking about the yoga voice. I'll never say I'm healed. Mm-hmm. Like I think anyone who tells you they're healed, past tense is a red flag, because that's not a thing.

I agree. I think that you, that you have to constantly heal from whatever life's going to keep bringing it back. For sure. We're not fucking mediums. I can't predict the future. I'm like, oh, I'm healed from the trauma that might happen to me in 20 years.

Like what? No. And you're going to handle it differently in 20 years. For sure. Because 20 years ago, I was a different person. Let's talk about 20 years ago. Because we're the same age Yeah, let's talk about 20 years ago, because we're the same age. So let's talk about our 20s.

Young years, we were nuts. And I think that between you and I, we have enough red flags that we've collected over the past few decades, two decades that would fit into a storage unit, honestly. A couple of storage units. Yeah, maybe like all of public storage in the valley. We'll just like take the entire building and put all the red flags in it. But before we get to

all the flags, do you remember at which ages or roughly that you had like aha moments? Like, you know, it's like, hey, we're not we're all in high school. You're probably a high school aha moments, but I think once you're like out of high school, like life, okay, I didn't go to college. So you can tell me about college, but I don't know. Like I remember at 19, I had like a really big aha moment, but it wasn't at 18. At 18, I still kind of felt like a kid, but at 19, I was like, oh, like almost 20. So is that like birthday oriented? Because my aha moments, I don't remember my age, I remember the moment, I remember what

happened. I don't remember my age, I remember the moment, I remember what happened, I had to really think hard to try to figure out what year, month that was, you know, my age. I just remember like between 19 and 25, I felt like I was growing up like 10 years per year, even though that's totally not fucking true, obviously. But in that moment, I just felt like holy shit, I've experienced so much in, speaking about

relationships specifically. So, what happened? I left home when I was 15, because no one was raising me. They loved to claim it. So I left home when I was 15, I went to Brazil. So the aha there for me was like, I'm on my own and I'm in a new country and I could do whatever I want. And I was like dating some older guy that I thought looked like Superman and it was weird.

And now how did you end up in Brazil? I didn't want to be an organ anymore. Oh wow. So I threatened my parents. I was like, I'm not spending senior year here. I'm either moving to Hawaii with my best friend or I want to go abroad. And my mom, they're both academic people. And they were like, you, you're going college.

They're going to look more highly upon you going abroad Go abroad. So I was like okay. I want to go to Italy and then I was too late for Italy. They called They called the house and we're like oh, that's full because it was exchange Mm-hmm. That's full you can go to Estonia, Finland or Brazil and I was like I'm going to Brazil. I'm gonna learn Spanish Clearly I'm going to Brazil. That is how you learn Portuguese. Yeah, I did not learn Spanish It turns out because they don't speak Spanish. That's where I was going to Brazil. That is how you learn Portuguese? Yeah, I did not learn Spanish. It turns out because they don't speak Spanish. That's where I was going, yeah. Yeah, no, I didn't know that at 15, you don't know that.

Okay, sorry. But I was like, I'm going to learn Spanish and my mom was like, that's not where they speak Spanish. And then we had stickers everywhere on the house in Portuguese. But yeah, that's where I learned Portuguese. Holy shit. So I'm just going to say like the hardest language

in my opinion to ever learn. I have a friend who speaks, he's from Brazil, he and his brother, his brother's, I don't know if he's still an NBA player or not, but he definitely was. But I had to do this commercial one time, super short story, but like where I had to say it was something like love and peace or peace for all or something, it was like saying it in all these different languages. And so I did like sign language, we all did English, obviously, and then I did Arabic because of where I'm from.

But I had to call a friend from Dearborn, like, and say, like, how do you say this in Arabic? I was like, Michigan is Arabic? Yeah. Dearborn Michigan's the largest Arabic population in the entire world outside of the Middle East. Wow. So that's all I knew when I grew up was just we had three high schools and the high school

that I was in was I want to say I'm having like 40%. Wow. Arabic? Yeah. So like Yemenis, Saudi Arabian, Lebanese, like blah, blah, blah. So I'd call the friend and I was like, can you help me with this? And then I call, anyway, so that I call my friend, he's a basketball agent, a sports agent. And I said, like, help me with this and then I call, anyway, so that I call my friend, he's a basketball agent and to a sports agent. And I said, like, help me with this.

And I, at the time, was speaking a tiny bit of Russian because of an ex-boyfriend, but I was like, Portuguese is like Spanish and Russian had this weird love child, and it made no sense to me. It still doesn't. I think it's like Portuguese or Spanish and French had a love child, but then added like all these different dialects. Because if you're in Rio, it's like,

and then you're in another place that's like they'll pronounce different letters. So how long were you in Brazil? A year and a month. And you learned just to be Russian. I was immersion. No, it's the easiest thing ever when you're immersed in it. No one speaks English.

Yeah, you have to. Yeah, you have no choice. And I'm clearly not in meditation at that age. Right. So I'm talking. Remember guys, 15. We're talking about 15. 15, 16, first tattoo.

Like, no. You have no choice but to learn the language. Yeah. Do you think that makes it easier to understand Spanish and other languages? Obviously Spanish, yes. Spanish, yes, but the problem is for me, I understand Spanish if you talk slow, but then I go to speak something and I speak Portuguese So I'm like, oh follow no, you'll upload you'll upload and I'm like oh damn it But yes, I can I would say probably only Spanish actually so 15 you go to South America

Oh, so my So 15 I would say because I left home and I could do whatever I wanted. I came home, went to college. I don't really think there was like an aha moment in college. Got breast implants, maybe that was an aha moment. Polycy major ended up in a polycy major because it's easy and all the athletes were doing it. Ah, that is the athlete major for sure. Okay, because the reason I know that I remembered currently that you're a polycymaid was because you had a little bucket list, non bucket list experience of your own. And I was reading on Playboy yesterday with a cute little photo of your cute little booty and I said, I said,

I'm your pencil fan eyebrows because I was thinking about what I looked like at that image and like around the 2000, like early 2000s. True, very more eyebrows. Yeah. But I read your little interview. And her interview was like, you know, I like to dance on bars a lot. I've never done that. A political science major. I never.

And you know, we were with my, I was with my friend Rachel, who you guys all know. And Rachel and I were out at the ranch and we were on the phone with Deonie the last few days. And I was like, oh my god, Deonie, I'm going to fucking gonna fucking read this bio to you and Deonie's like I've never danced on a bar I never heard what are you talking about? I don't know who wrote that it probably felt cool to say at the time I mean something when you read it to me that's the first thought was like ooh she's a poly side major and she's a party girl yeah exactly like ooh smart and hot party and it was like and I was in gymnastics for 12 years Wink wink her hinted like I did not write that Rachel actually may have written that now that I think That's hilarious Rachel loves to bury me so if I'm surprised yeah, Rachel that's seriously okay

So you're in college so college I would aha, just with that specifically was like, again, it's this whole, I know I can do whatever I want because my parents are my parents, but like once again, look at me guys, whatever. My mom, the only thing was, do not use our last name. I was like, why would I do that? That's crazy. Then I have to talk about it in 20 years. Like today.

So, that was an aha, then I would say. Then I have to talk about it in 20 years. Like today. So that was an aha, then I would say. Wait, before we move past this. Oh, no. You said you're a polycyme major because all the athletes were. That was easy. Oh, yes. You used to date.

You're like, you used to be a Jersey chaser. I'm worried I'd taste you. That was my line. Yeah. I didn't chase them. They chased me. Yeah. Which just makes me great. They chased me. Yeah. Which just makes me great.

Although not, still single. But a lot of fun, a lot of good stories. Great stories, lots of fun, then still pay my own rent and I'm single. Okay, right. So you weren't trying to trap them, but like, you know, we had Brittany on and Brittany, obviously didn't give any details, but you know, Brittany has. Brittany, Brittany's had her fair share of. Brittany's hooked up with her super-facial athlete.

Right, right. Yeah, so I don't know. Yeah, what I like to propose is. I'm curious. Just like out of curiosity. Being that, like, when you were younger, I don't know. Do you even really remember pros and cons back then or were you just kind of like having fun?

And that was your type at the moment. The pros were, it was a lot of fun having fun and that was your type at the moment. The pros were, it was a lot of fun. The cons were, it wasn't gonna last. The pros were, they were pros. No, I think so. The pros were, yeah, it was a lot of fun. There was like access to things that I don't think

I would have had, like, I flew private to Vegas once. Like crazy. By the way, that's a good one. Red flag, I had my own penthouse at the palms. I thought like, oh, the coolest person ever. And then I realized, I had my own penthouse at the palms. I thought like, oh, the coolest person ever. And then I realized I had my own penthouse at the palms because he wasn't staying with me. Right, it was probably someone else.

Con, now I look at it and laugh because I think there was such a pick me mentality back then. Oh, I got chosen, or they liked me, or whatever. And now I look at it and I'm like, I'm sorry, you're a what? Oh no, I have to go. Not only because you're clearly out of age,

but also I'm so not interested in that life. Yeah, no, I like that. I don't like it for you or us, but I like that you're like interpreting it that way. And like, because I definitely had those like, choose me. Oh yes, please. I'll change for you. I'll change.

Like you wouldn't say this to the dudes But it was just like what are you into me too? EDM. Love it. What does EDM mean? I remember when I had to Google EDM one time and I was like is that like EMDR? Oh in therapy. Oh, it's not it's electronic dance music. Not about it. Okay. I love I love EDM too Not about it. Not about it. Okay, I love EDM too. Follow Calvin Harris. Follow David Kwata. Follow, follow, see, look at all the people I follow.

I'm so into what you're into. I, my into for people, oddly enough, was religion more than once. I do know a story about this. Would you care to share? So I was raised Jewish, technically. I don't practice anything. I'm just spiritual, which is the funniest part, because now I look back at all of these people.

Like, wait, you were gonna do what? Yes, I have read some pages of the book of Mormon, perhaps. Perhaps. I also may or may not know a few Muslim prayers like the one at night and morning. Tell me what Jewish holiday is, I have no idea. Right. None. Did you ever dabble in Scientology?

No, that was when I didn't. I don't like the question, especially in LA. Yeah, that is. I don't like the ones where they've told me it's Coltie. Like I need to make my own though. What am I talking about more in LA? What if they just advertise? Yeah.

This is a cult, but you'll have a lot of fun. But Scientology does not tell you you'll have fun. They're like, you will not have fun. You will have the opposite of fun. I'm talking do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way?

But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way?

But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? But did you do it in a certain way? time, but we're like a modeling job. Not even joking, it was for like a pamphlet

or commercial or something. But you have to fill out this paperwork ahead of time. So I've only been to the major Scientology Center. I was like 24, 2007. And the paperwork's like, I've never taken or will not ever take like any, basically drugs prescription or non-prescription. And like, I won't do this, and I won't do that, and I won't do this and I won't do that and I won't do this and I was like this is I'm not

this isn't for me I'm so sorry I gotta go I just like left left let myself out imagine if Kristen Doudi was on a Scientology pamphlet oh my fucking how the world would have shifted I've done enough stock photography you never know I mean I could have 100 bucks or five hours sounded great back then so did I love $20.

Were you on a landmark forum? I did landmark. You did too? Yeah, I did landmark. And on the pamphlet? No, I wasn't on the pamphlet. Oh, it was like, but I did landmark. Me too.

What's your experience? It was because a guy paid for it. My boyfriend at the time was like, well, I was like sort of dating two people, and he was like, look, I know that you chose Tom Sandivall, but I still love you, and I think that you'll really benefit from this, and I was like, please don't wake me, go, I can't drink wine for three days.

I'm like 25 years old, like fuck no. I have to work at CERN, I can't drink sangria. So then he paid for it, and itERN, I can't drink sangria. So then he paid for it, and it was like, why can't I refund? So I did it, and I'm not mad that I did it, because I've taken things from it, and I think with personalities like yours and Mindy,

it's like anything like that, and I'm not throwing shade if you're fucking culty person or whatever you're into. But I think with any sort of, and I'm not talking religion, but if any sort of like those culty person or whatever you're into. But I think with any sort of, and I'm not talking religion, but if any sort of those culty type things, if you can be strong enough to take things out of them, that will help you, but not be sucked into the pyramid scheme of it.

It's so true. That's worth it. I feel like there's always, like, so funny as watching some self-help thing before I came over. And it's always like, there's still lessons, and there's still good things that you can pull out of things like that. For me, landmark, so funny, somebody paid for it for you. Some of it for me.

And then I ended up calling an ex to like, apologize for the stories. Eddie Yonney, I literally put my fucking letter that I wrote to my ex in my book, in totality. I put the fucking email that I sent and they were like, go ahead and call you. I'm like, well, what if I don't, he was an answer. What if he, I don't have his phone number anymore?

They're like, we couldn't send an email because it's not about his response. It's about what you want to say. And let me tell you, this motherfucker cheated on me while I was pregnant. And then, you know, I being honest here and I was very young. I was too young to have a child. And I'm sorry for anyone, you know, I being honest here, and I was very young. I was too young to have a child, and I'm sorry for anyone, you know, trigger alert,

but I had an abortion. And I found out two weeks later that the girl he was cheating on me with was pregnant. They are now together, happily married with children from what I assume and know from years past. Good for them, don't care anymore. So it was a blessing in disguise. However, you know, it's like...

Also, the... I have sent an email to that person being like, I'm so sorry for... Let me take accountability and responsibility for the things that I did that made you break up with me. That's exactly what my dick. Literally, that's what mine was. And it's funny because the guy and I are friends still, and he still laughs.

Remember the time he randomly called me on this one day and apologized? And I was like, can we not talk about it? Because I don't remember why I apologize. Because it's still your fault. Yes, it's still your fault. I'm sorry. You made me crazy.

Literally. I take back all the apologies anyway. That's crazy. Oh my god, I'm crying. Okay, so that these were all moments as well. The landmark happened. My biggest milestone I would say was 30. So I worked in nightlife in LA, all of my 20s.

30, I was like, I can't do this anymore. I'm 30 years old, I want to have children, I want to have a husband, like no one is doing that with the girl at the front door who's rejecting them every other weekend. So I left LA for four years. I thought I was gonna like go start a life in North Carolina and Charlotte or no, Charlotte and Atlanta.

And I was gonna buy a house in the South and I was gonna be a whole Southern bell because why not we change for anyone? And then that clearly didn't work out. And now I'm back here in 39 and single. So things are going great. I mean things are going great. When I love about you is that you're such an entrepreneur at heart. So whatever, I feel like you

just don't want to have a boss. I talk like you love working for yourself. You have great ideas and whatever life throws at you, you're like that can be a business. Like the luke idea that I exactly. I'm the idea. Yeah. I'm going to take all as much. You've got to, yeah, I've got to just dial in the ideas. I've got ideas for days as Kristen will be. And then Deani and I will take them and run. Will we talk about something more specific like the podcast or I don't know anything and I'd be throwing out ideas. I'm like, now listen, everything I say is not going to be a good idea.

I'm just throwing in just throwing darts. If something sticks, it sticks. But I've got ideas for days. That's true. I do not. You do have ideas for days, Deonie. I do, and I execute other people's ideas really well. Not that I steal anyone's idea, but like, but you're good at helping someone else. I'm collaborating. Deonie, what's your sign?

Ooh, I'm a Leo, but now I'm very into Vedic astrology, which is like ancient. It's like ancient Hindu beyond before Christ all the things. And in Vedic, I'm not a Leo. And now, by the way, I'm like the annoying girl walking around telling all my friends. You should check your Vedic Astrology. I'm not in the same mind. I have a thing. I'll do your calculator later. Okay. But I'm a cancer in Vedic, and I'm a cancer rising in both. So I'm very much as an adult. I think I've changed from a leotic cancer.

Interesting. The rising part matters more. Luke looks confused. No, I'm just thinking because I read, I'll be honest, I read an article about how zodiac signs haven't followed the shift of basically where the earth is in the universe or something like that and that over the last hundreds

or thousands of years, that, or whatever it was established that these dates should have shifted and they haven't shifted them. Is that the same thing? Probably. Yeah. So yeah, basically saying you aren't what this says because they've been like with the shift and the water

and how it all works, you know. Oh my God, I said, mm-hmm, good job, Chris. Thank you. Yeah, because people always talk to me, like especially in the spiritual, I hate to call the woo. I'm good job, Chris. Thank you. Yeah, because I people always talk to me, like, especially in the spiritual, I hate to call the woo-woo world, but it is, but people get like, I've had a friend tell me like, oh, you can't do sound bats at my house because they're crystal bowls and I don't believe in crystals and I'm like, well, if you don't believe in it, then there's nothing to it. 100. So I can't, I come up. Yeah. It doesn't make any sense.

Yeah. But astrology to me and when people are like, I don't believe in it. And like, no, it doesn't make any sense. Yeah. But astrology to me, and when people are like, I don't believe in it. And like, no, it's literally like the water, pole, gravity of earth in the universe. So you can not believe all these times. It's science. It's science. To me, though, time is made up. Like, so like, oh, this is made up.

Let's be honest. Somebody, somebody decided. Someone you had decided on our calendar, all of it. Someone decided time. Someone decided we could say it's any fucking time. Absolutely, like King's added months, centuries millennia ago to the calendar and the calendar's just evolved over time by who's in power.

Okay, let's talk about that. I've been to all this. It's a lot of things about Aquarius because it makes me feel better about myself and if I don't like my astrology then I don't read it that day and I'm like, fuck that one, tomorrow's looks awesome. Tomorrow's awesome, it's so true.

It's just about believing, man. And if you Google enough places, you's looks awesome. It's so true. It's just about believing. And if you Google enough places, you'll find exactly what you want. Exactly. That's what I do. What was the animal one? You had me read you were a pufferfish. Oh, yeah.

Who was I a pufferfish? I am a pufferfish. You're a pufferfish. My middle name means battle maiden. Wow. So here we is with that. With the busy fall season, already in swing, you might be looking for wholesome convenient meals

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against the way you were born, literally. It's gone much easier, by the way. Why do you think I'm just curious to your opinion? Why do you think I'm going to say specifically women because I'm speaking for myself, have a hard time with like self love, like true self love, and being like, I need to put myself first. And it's that whole, what is the quote? It's like, you'll never be in love if you don't love yourself.

Bob, blah, blah, right? However, in 2019, when I felt like I was really at my peak of setting relationships aside to focus on me because I just, again, guys, this is just me. I love love, I love being in love. I love being in a relationship. I don't like being single, I don't like small talk, I want deep rooted fucking shit, you know? So I'm curious like being in,

not only just being friends with so many women, but being in the work that you're in, like why do you think women are like that if you have an opinion? And then like how do you get women to sort of, do you hear women tell you that? Like, oh, this is really difficult for me to like, relax and focus on me. Yes, I think for me, it's interesting

because I would even say milestone would be like, during like 2020 for me was like the alone alone time. I know not everyone did that. I did not have a COVID relationship and I was like, oh, I have to sit with myself now. I think for women, it's like we were just taught to nurture others. We're taught to take care of others.

We're taught to not put ourselves first. That's so. When you become a mom, you lose yourself. Why? You don't have to lose it. The most badass moms I know are the ones who are like, and I'm still doing this, and I'm still doing this, and I'm still doing this, and I'm a mom.

I just think naturally, especially people like you and me who love, love, and we want to be in love and want to have some eternal and like protectors. So maternal and protectors, where I'm like, whoever I'm dating, like let me focus on you, because, I don't know if I focus on myself, but also like I can help.

Say it louder, could I what? I don't have to focus on myself. Yep. So I think we feel don't have to focus on myself. Yep. So I think we feel selfish when we're focusing on ourselves. And I think even saying no to other people, like I'm getting real good at it, like I don't go out. I'm the opposite of who I was in my 20s,

but I think there's people who feel like I'm obligated or I feel bad or I feel selfish saying no. No. No. Spend time alone. Yeah. Figure, and I remember, I used to fire therapists. As soon as they told me you should be single,

I was like, you don't work for me, sorry, we're not in meshing. We're not meshing. Why are you all telling me I need to be single? And now that I'm single, I'm like, oh, this is. I've been with you so much, Dehany. I've told the spoke so many times on the podcast and told Chris in these long.

About for a short reflection. Yeah, these long- How about some for a flexion? Yeah, these long periods of being single and living by myself, I've spent, lived two and a half years in an RV by myself. That's so sad. Is that, or is it like why I'm more mature than every guy I met? No, that's true.

I agree. Also, you weren't in LA. I wasn't. That's why you're more mature than every guy you met. That's fair. Because you weren't here. Because let me tell you, when I worked in Nightlife, there would be like 60-year-old men going to clubs.

And I'm like, that's not OK in any other city in this world. It's not OK. Yeah, you're probably right. Probably right with that. Your grandfather's not at a club in another city. That's crazy. Like, bottle service and a cheap button-down shirt.

Oh, no, trust me. I've seen them. And there was a 50th birthday party a few months ago. If you remember, that was exactly that bottle service going out. Everyone getting hammered and party in and looking for girls. And it's just like, that's a 50th birthday party. Where am I? I didn't know, but I heard all about it.

I'm like, okay. Yeah, no, it's not a thing. So it's interesting because now as much as I'm like, I want a relationship and all these things, I don't settle for the things I used to settle for. First floor. Have you thought about getting out of LA to find your man? I've done it before. Okay, I mean, that.

Then I came back. Yeah, I think if I leave again, it's like out of the country though. That's fair. But the places I want to go are like not. She's not going looking for love. Yeah, I need to like find love first and then bring them with me.

Okay. I really want to do Australia and New Zealand. Oh, I need to like find love first and then bring them with me. I really want to do Australia and New Zealand. Oh, see, that's an easy one. My brother's wife saw Australian. Yeah, it's awesome. There's love there. There is love for there. There's love everywhere.

No, I think I've finally in the last year maybe really come into myself, I would say, and I'm like, what comes to me is what's for me and what doesn't come to me is not for me. And I actually said it to my therapist the other day. I said it to a very good friend of mine because I am on dating apps But I don't meet anyone. I don't go like when I say I don't meet anyone like I don't you don't follow up Follow through go you want to go on a date? I forgot but even on there I was like, you know what? I want I am going to find something so organic that I can't look for

So organic I probably should leave the house, but maybe the Amazon guy. But yeah, I think, honestly, it would be postmates, but... Yeah, same. Yeah, I think, and my dad told me this young, when I was young, and I didn't understand it, is like, do the things you love to do, and now I make sense of like, figure out the things you love to do, and you'll meet people who also love that thing instead of looking for a person and then changing who you are, which we both did really one million fucking percent really well did it up until Luke honestly like my even my last relationship at you know in my late 30s. But I wrote

down link to beat I was I don't want to like, not to be like the me and me, but I don't care because the me and me is awesome. On your Instagram, I just love all the quotes you put because I'm a fucking walking target aisle. And it said, the more you love yourself, the more you'll detach from things that don't love you. And I said, love that. It was like a quote you posted.

But I love that. So it hit me really hard because instead of the whole, like you won't find love and you can't love someone until you love yourself. It's the more you love yourself, the more you'll detach from the things that don't love you. It's true. It is.

It now. It's so much smaller. You don't feel the guilt of saying yes to people, the guilt of hanging out with people just because they were a part of your life at one point. And that's shit I'm learning. Yeah, like as and for. As and for.

My circle's real small. That's good. And so the one advice, if anyone ever asked me advice, or like finding their person or everything. That's what you're here for, the man voice made. I say the only thing I'll ever say is focus on yourself, man or woman, and they'll find you. Focus on yourself and they'll find you.

But you have to be like, I don't want to say of age because that's a made up thing too, but like you have to be of a mindset that can hear that. Like if you told me that my 20s, I'd be like, he's so wack, like he's moving. Focus on what? I'm gonna focus on the guy. I think it's now, and again, like I truly have fired therapists

because I'm like focus on me. No, we're have fired therapists because I'm like, focus on me. No, we're here to talk about him. Like, he did this wrong. Yes. Oh my God. So now, and I remember saying it to this therapist, the day we met, I was like, just say no, if you tell me to be single, I'm leaving.

So don't. And she don't lead with that. OK. Yeah, don't. And then she's like, no, the only way to work on relationships is while you're in one. You can't really work on those things while you're single and then put them into practice in your next relationship.

And I know I've even, I mean, I did ask the therapist to move in with me, but true story, all of my friends are like, what? I'm like, I just feel like it was easier to be on call. Well, you just beat my polypocket. Literally. Because I want to call you when I'm doing anything. Like, did I say this right?

Did I and now it's like finally building that like self-trust of like I can do this by myself live life by myself, but I think that goes to like women and love and like just not trusting ourselves. Yeah, I totally agree with that. Luke, do you have any thoughts like just on your past relationships you have women in your family. I mean you have two sisters, you have an amazing arm. I always said you have women in your family, like that's everyone heard of mom. Yeah, yeah. But he has two sisters and a mom, obviously.

Yeah. But he's very close to his mom. One thought I had and I wanted to give Hillary a shout out, usually you're the shout out one. But when Deonnie said the most badass women are still crushing, doing their thing and their mom, my sister Hillary is just a badass entrepreneur, a triathlete, mother of two, like she's just a kickass.

Because she still puts her stuff first. Yeah, the things that are important to her. It's the people who enjoy motherhood. They're like, this is a part of me. It's like, this doesn't define me. Yes, you are a mother, but you're still Kristen, or you're still Deonie, or that was that me, man. Right, you have to sacrifice something but you're still Kristen or you're still Deonie or that was that me. You have to sacrifice yourself to become the next thing. You should add instead

of like sacrifice something for the next thing. Do you want to be my therapist? I told Kristen, should I go to school to be a therapist? If you're young, you could do two years. You can still do whatever you want to do. I looked it up, I could get through it in five. He looked it up. I looked it up, I can get through it in five. He looked it up. He looked it up.

He's like, I've been talking about this. As long as you still invest in our businesses, you should definitely do that. But I think all of these things, it just, I don't know what's another word for the word trigger, trigger in a good way, I guess. But it's like answering the why do we press repeat? Like, you know, it goes back to what we were talking about

in our 20s where we're like, the same kind of guys over and over, or I don't know, Luke with maybe not you, but friends, you know, it's like, we're always, when we're younger, essentially hitting repeat, we're like, not fast forward, we're like, we're a wind repeat, we're a wind repeat. Oh, I've the same, I did the same thing, but it was with the same girl. It wasn't like, the same kind of girl, the same kind of guy, like you're saying. Literally the same person. It's like, oh, this didn't work.

After some time alone, I'm like, maybe it was me. Let's go do it again. And then I did it like four times. And then decided it was officially not gonna happen. And two years later, Kristen shows up in Agular Colorado. You were like, it's not me, it's her. Well, I kept, that's how we always broke up.

And then when they're a period of time, we go, by, like, maybe she wasn't that bad, because she was, you know, kind of bad. Yeah, because that's what I want to like, that's a good, a good place for me to say this, because I kept thinking about this, like, when you're on the podcast and we have one of my girlfriends and especially someone who's been through similar things

as me, so we're like, dish in the fucking tea. It's like, you guys, this is not a fucking man hating podcast. This isn't like, what is it? Like the He-Man Woman Hater's Club, like the opposite of that from, yeah. Right, a little rascal. I will say, rascal flat. I agree.

Little rascals. But this is not like a man bashing thing. I have a man, I'm in love with him. I have a lot of great men in my life, good friends. But, sorry, you know, there's some shitty little birds out there. Listen, we're probably shitty little birds to them too. Totally. I don't mean I personally wasn't.

No, not like you and I, but just like other women. But there are people who are probably shitty to other people. I just think for me, it was so much of pressing repy and rewind and it's like, I'm gonna conquer this type of person. Yes. It's like, your childhood trauma's usually. What was your dad in your life, or what was your, any male in your life, where now I'm like,

okay, I'm old enough, you have to break this curse. You have to. And yeah, I'm single, but it's not like, I'm like, I hate men, and I don't believe. I'm actually told a friend of mine like, stop sending me the memes of like, we're never gonna find a man, because I'm like, I don't believe that. And you told a friend of mine like stop sending me the memes of like, we're never gonna find a man, because I'm like, I don't believe that.

Yeah. And you just keep self-fulfilling prophecy yourself. Like, not interesting. Like, the martyr is not cute. No, I agree. And that was a thing in our 20s. Like, I used to do that. I have meme-saved screenshot of God knows what fucking year,

like 10 years ago, or I'm like, there's plenty of fish in the sea. Stay the fuck away from my fish. So you know. I'd say that one a lot. There was a quote, I think, I mean, I'm sure she didn't make it up, but Chloe Kardashian posted years ago.

I love her. Chloe, I love you, and I love your instead. Yeah, she's up to them, my favorite. But she posted something, and I'll never forget it, and probably the only time I've looked at things like that. But it was like, I crave a love so deep that the ocean is jealous. Oh, I know chills.

You have it, but anyways. That's, yeah. But I remember her posting that and me being like, oh my, that's it. That's it. And I don't really want anyone to be jealous, but like, no, I want something that's like real and not superficial and like, now it's funny

because it's interesting you're talking about rewind, because like there are people that I've gone back to of like, well, it's 20 years later. Maybe we should try this again. We're both different people. You've been divorced. Like, this is like, that in-genit worked for them. Right?

Exactly. I'm like, if Benifer can do it, so can I. Too early to tell. I'm just gonna say, too early to tell. For who? Oh, that in-genit. I think Jen is trying to beat out Tom Brady for the most rings.

No, she's winning. Oh my God. She's winning. Winning good one. We'll put this pup culture knowledge. I know. I thought he was just like a lumberjack. Yeah.

Yeah. Stop rewinding. Stop rewinding. I had another cliche quote I was going to say, but it just is whether you think you can or you can to your right. That's very fucking true. It is true.

And what you speak into the world is like what you are going to experience. So you wake up saying today is going to be an awful day. It's going to be an awful day. You wake up saying today is going to be an awful. Yeah, exactly. That's a great point. Yeah, when I wake up and I'm like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, it's like they're the day go.

It's what if I just wake up and I'm like, come on, bitch, the sun's shining. You live in California and not like, you live in LA and I'm like, no. I live in California. California was my bucket list. I always wanted to live in sunny, fucking California. How lucky am I?

Yeah. I found a way to build a life here. Like, think of it that way. I think like myself love stuff or anyone suggested self love stuff is that type of thing like for me. It's like I'm very big manifestor. It's not that I'm like,

oh, I just believe in it. Like things crazy to me where I'm like, wait, I said that 20 years ago and it happened. I think just like keeping gratitude, like for me I wake up and I'll write a gratitude list and it's cliche as it sounds and as annoying as it gets. Like what are you grateful for?

Because like I have suffered anxiety, depression. And those days are the days where I'm like, I'm not grateful for anything. And then I'm like, okay, but you're breathing. Like I am grateful, my dog. Right. Like you have a roof over your head. Just writing even when it feels like something that's not relevant. Like still just getting in that mindset of like, I'm grateful. And now it's like, I laugh when people are honking or rushing or all those things.

Now my whole mentality is like, it's not that big of a deal. I think right now, Kristen's most grateful that she has postmates again on her phone. God, I need to delete that. I know. I mean, 20 pounds and not that she deleted it is just that it wasn't available where we were in car. Yeah, that's why I didn't go to Rachel's wedding. It was catered. It was interesting. I didn't say that last night, though.

We were watching a nature documentary-type thing, like predators, and because I love that shit before I go to bed. I was about to say before I looped it, you know? Oh, yeah. A planet Earth all day long puts me right to sleep. But I was sitting there and I'm like, oh my God, babe, we have not actually sat and watched TV in three weeks. And it's amazing.

Oh, how good do you feel? Yeah, it was really nice. And I was like, I'm still having a driven my car. That's awesome. It was just like a nice escape. So whether you can go in a three week road trip or you just go do a fucking sound bath or do something for yourself to clear your mind

of the things that become the rewind repeat. Whether it's a person or the day-to-day life, I think it's really easy to do that. Yeah, I think for me too, somebody else has this week of like, what self love to you? And how can you cultivate more self-love? And I realize the times that I'm scrolling on social media are the times that I'm anxious and depressed.

One fucking million percent. And it's not even like I'm comparing myself to Kristen, or it's just like I'm mindlessly feeding myself things that are like, huh? Yeah, like why? Yeah. I mean, yeah, there's a million good recipes and all that.

But like the way people think that they're like reporting news now on social media, I'm like, your algorithm is your algorithm. It's exactly like what you said. Like whether you think you can or can't, you're right. Your algorithm becomes that. Like you think all about food and recipes, that's all you're going to get fed.

So it's like, it just keeps feeding that same thing. So I think the analogy is social media is real life, but not. Yes, no for sure dude. Like the scrolling, I'm now just starting to catch myself more. And I'm like, what am I even doing? Yeah, like why don't I go for a fucking walk? Why don't I call one of my friends?

Like why am I just sitting here going, scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll. Oh man, I wish mine looked more like that. Like I suck it. You guys, I suck in suck at social media. And being, I'm wearing my friend's sweatshirt right now that says bad influencer, which is like an amazing fiction podcast she just put out, Gabi Conti,

had her on the podcast before. But when I'm wearing it, I'm going, I'm a bad influencer. I'm terrible at being this quote unquote social media influencer. But it's because being this quote-unquote social media influencer, but it's because I only support things that I stand by. And then, but I catch myself scrolling, going, well, like, should I?

It's like not even, it's very subconscious. Yeah, I think it's interesting. I've started to make some monetize my social media and financial and stuff, like the Nike stuff and whatever. And I'm like, no big deal. No big deal. I'm from all over the Nike. Fucking Nike. And I'm like, no big deal. No big deal. I'm from all over the country. I'm like, you fucking Nike.

Well, you treat it like a business. That's what I told Kristen. I'm like, take all the pictures, hire someone to post them, send them all your pictures, and let them post them all. We're also the real. I think the real is very important. And I like that you're doing, even though it is your business,

but you're showing the yoga and you're not like in a full face of makeup. And you're posting things that you know I love a good filter. Fuck it. You're right, it not in a full face of makeup. And you're posting things that you know, I love a good filter, fuck it. You're right, it's not a full face of makeup. It is face up. No, I think even for me, it's like the monetization of it has become a little hard for me.

Now it's like the bad influencer. I'm like, and granted, I love it. I manifested it. I'm so proud of it. And grateful. And so grateful, but also like, oh my it, I'm so proud of it. And grateful. And so grateful, but also like, oh my God, I have to post that. Like, I don't even want to be on social media

and Luke, that's great to hire someone to take all your photos and hire them to post, but like, this is where you have extra money for living in an RV. Oh, okay. We don't. Like, I just literally, I'm like, Kristen, can you come over and take a photo with my iPhone?

Yeah. Okay, so with all the positivity over and take a photo with my iPhone? Yeah. Okay, so with all the positivity, I do want to talk about some flags because, Deanna, because we've talked about, like, we share so many of the same red flags, especially obviously when I was single and whatever. But I think the red flags are really interesting and my take on it might be different than other peoples because obviously I wrote a book. He's making you crazy This is a red flag and I and I went back to it So you guys it was very self-deprecating. Sorry if you didn't get the memo

But now in these days when I've been trying to really really work on myself continuously and be the menoposa be the butterfly You know I was looking at some of the red flags like thinking thinking of them, writing them down on the list. And I'm like, I don't like how, even though the red flags, how fucking negative they are. So it's like, some of the red flags I wrote down and I'm wide open to whatever you guys say, but it was like, for me, it's like lack of self-awareness, unwilling to compromise, someone who isn't your cheerleader,

obviously, unreliable respect, criticism. Like, these should be obvious, right? Innocent, any sort of abuse is not okay. So that goes without saying. But as I wrote them down, I was like, well, what's another way to like say it instead of being like, I don't want all of these things. Like, there's the landmark in me.

But it's like, instead of like, I don't want someone who's not self-aware. It's like, well, I'm looking for someone who's like emotionally intelligent. You know, I think it's interesting your list. This is the first time I've seen it, but it's a lot of you, like what you want, where my list was about to be like, he's not motivated for himself, or like things that, again,

I'm like almost putting them first. Yeah. But yeah, I think there's a way to flip everything. I think it goes back to, like, whether you think you can or can't, you're right. It's the same as it is. Now it's the quote. But just like, reframing it all into like some positive. I don't necessarily think I would have stayed with those people per se, but like, isn't

my cheerleader? Well, I'm so much their cheerleader that they didn't have time to be my cheerleader anyways That's how I was but then I was thinking about well giving Luke lots of props here, but like He is my cheerleader like he does not criticize anything that I do He'll give me better business advice because he's a much more businessy person Yeah, I never would have gone for the type that he is before. Not in entertainment, you know, like not just like not the guys I've normally dated, not in a band, not in entertainment. You're not into a younger redneck guy. What do you mean the RV?

Not very much am now. But you were very much or my cheerleader and you don't criticize me. You don't make me feel bad about myself. And as an example, today I was just trying to, I was trying on this bathing suit and I walk out, my tits are out, obviously. And it looks like, oh, okay, like, I can't, you know, like, all dudes, dudes love boobs. Thank God. Good for us. But he like, can't focus if I don't have a top on. And he was like, well, wouldn't you brother of that?

Then one day you walk out and I don't even turn toward you. I was like, oh, fuck you're right and I don't even turn toward you. I was like, oh, fuck you're right. There it is. You know? So it's like that I started realizing the things that I loved in what I'm appreciating in this relationship or in just in general that I am not dealing with anymore as well.

So I don't know if you guys have any other red flags you want to throw out there. Those were mine. I think mine just historically has been like not honest. And I used to like fish for the dishonesty and always would find it. You'll find it. What you'll find which you're looking for.

You'll always do. And now for me, I'm like, if I have this innate trust for you, we're good. And if I don't have this like gut trust for whatever reason my body's telling me, like not necessarily that you're a red flag, but like we're not compatible. Yeah, it makes sense.

A red flag is a warning sign. It feels familiar. That you guys, that's my definition of a red flag. It feels familiar, it is a warning sign. You're on the beach, there's a red flag up. It means don't go in the fucking water. There's probably a shark or something I've never even heard of that just 10 points worse.

Yeah, bad stuff. Loftness, monster. Yeah. That's it. And loftness. This is how you know, neither of us were raised in Los Angeles. There were lakes around.

Oh, man. So my comment on red flags is one, over time they change. Change how? Change is in something that. It's not the person that, like, literally not the person you were dating, because change, I change is great. Like, growth is great. So you're saying not growth.

No, I'm saying a lot of times, we're the way you associate a red flag specifically with a person or an individual relationship. As you grow and mature, that may not be as a red flag anymore. Might be like a yellow, like you remember it, and you peel whatever color. I don't care. Orange.

We'll talk about a beige flag. I'll call the light orange. If it's yellow, when I get in the intersection and it turns red in the middle, it's an orange flag. So we'll call it orange. I call that go. Go, go, gas. Gas.

As far as them changing, that is something I know for sure, changes over time. You heal from past things. You associate certain characteristics with a specific person that had probably other characteristics that compounded that specific one. And so, I guess I'm just curious, if you can think back to something that was a red flag maybe 10, 15 years ago,

that maybe isn't anymore. Maybe turn green, or maybe it's just a yellow, or just something you kinda notice and brush off because it's not as big a deal. I think for me, just my own growth superficial things. I wouldn't even call them red flags, but like it used to be like what people look like or like where they live or those type of things and that's like realistically now my own red flag.

But I think now there's certain other things that I care way more about. So it's kind of shifted from like, if they live in a not-up-ad-y type situation and they weren't super attractive, that was more of a flag where now it's like, if they, all they talk about is where they live or the amount of money they make, that's a flag. Exactly.

A friend and I were talking last night and she was like, this guy hit her up or whatever. I was like, oh yeah, just bought an $11 million house and I have another four million, and I was like, this guy hit her up or whatever. I was like, oh yeah, just bought an $11 million house and I have another formula. And I was like, this is the last person I would ever. Like, I don't want to know how much you spent on your house. Yeah, I think you're absolutely right. They shift.

And I think now they shift too of like, I don't even allow that person near me to have that red flag. I think now it's much more like you said, like compromise, communication, how you handle conflict. Like I used to think I knew the guy after a month. Like we're getting married. Oh, here I present.

And now it's like the slow dating, which I never would have done when I was younger. Now I'm like, oh, we're not compatible in this area. Or the way you handle things is not interesting to me. Or whatever it is. So now I think it's changed. My outlook on it has changed, but also like just the people that allow around me changed. I like that term slow dating.

Oh, it's not. I've never heard it before, but I mean, that's essentially what Luke and I did. I mean, granted, we were long distance, but last my next question for you, Kristen. Yeah. The wedding was in June. Uh-huh. We weren't you didn't admit that we were dating until November. Seriously? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I that we were dating until November. Seriously?

Yeah. Oh yeah. I knew we were dating after that. That's what other people said. Anyway, well, I wasn't the only one slow dating. She was trying to... Yeah, I was trying to, I was literally forcing myself to like go on a date with like a stranger.

Because I had never really done it before. Like ever. I mean, I'd slept with guys I barely knew. I'm gonna be honest. Like honest, like in my early days. It's like, oh, I met a bar, met a club, has green up. Yeah, like whatever. We're not maybe like one out once or twice and like hooked up and then that was kind of it.

So no, my question is though, because you weren't convinced right up the gate. There had to be some flags that I threw up, and I'm curious, I'm asking for this criticism for what flags I threw up, and I'm curious, I'm asking for this criticism, for what flags I threw up, because we're obviously great now. I have no anxiety about our relationship or anything. So honestly, it was more of like me going,

don't be that bitch, don't jump into another relationship. This is what you do. He's so great, he's so great, you can make anything work, or whatever. So he's 32 and he lives not even in my same time zone. You know, those actually weren't flags for me. Like, it wasn't like something I couldn't overcome, but I'm like, just, no, like, just stop.

Just go date a bunch of random people and meet people and do the thing you're supposed to do before you find your person. Isn't that what you're quote unquote supposed to do? That's where I said, it has to be so organic, you're not looking. Yep. And that's essentially what happened. I was only out of a relationship for two weeks. Okay, can we talk about the beige flag things? And this is new to all three of us. Deani and I, because we're old and Luke, because he's not big on social media and all the shit.

So I had to look it up because I've only ever heard, it's like, here are your green flags, here are your red flags, and then maybe that orange flag, right, which is what we said earlier. So when I looked up the beige flag, it essentially was like little things that are maybe like a cork, a pet peeve, or something that maybe like isn't your jam right then in there,

but wasn't something so overwhelming that was like to their core, like to their character. You know how when you start dating someone, Deoni, and you're like, oh my god, that's so cute about them. And then over time, the cute thing is the most fucking annoying thing in the face of the planet. So from my understanding,

and all of you listeners, if I'm so far off, because my rocker, because I'm old, please tell me. But my understanding of this beige flag is something that is kind of annoying or maybe not your jam, but that can totally be worked through. So as an example, it could be like a quirk, like, oh, will they do, they said, we'll use Jared Freed.

They said, Chris Cross applesauce. And it's like my, my beige flag is saying Chris Cross applesauce. Yeah. And so you're like, ooh, but it's like my friend, my beige flag is saying crisscross applesauce. Yeah. And so you're like, ooh, but it's like, well, can't you just like tell them that it's not that hot when they sit crisscross applesauce? And maybe they just don't have to.

You can't say that to someone. You sit wrong. Yeah. I wouldn't say it. I'm with Dianne. If a guy calls it crisscross applesauce, that seems weird. OK.

I've got a guy say easy peasy ones once and I was like, I have to go. That's your dick. That's your dick. That's your dick. So an ick makes them unfuckable. Okay, so beige does work. Bage is more like, okay, example, a friend of mine. A cute kind of an ointment. Or a friend of mine and her boyfriend.

He was very like standoffish and like as much as he, he didn't say I love you for a long time, but he was always there for her and always around, and like clearly was not with anyone else, right? However, he kind of was weird about her meeting, like knowing his family or his friends, which can seem like a huge red flag, because it's like, what are you hiding?

But he was like embarrassed about certain things, and didn't want her to think less of him. Yeah. And so it wasn't really that he was being this cheating lying asshole, which is what as women typically we all assume, it was more just him going like, will you still like me if you know that my situation isn't as grand as I make it appear to be?

My biggest thing now is let me make an educated decision. Mm, a lot of that. Just let me, I don't care what's, I mean, I maybe will care, but please let me make that decision. Like, I love that. Yeah, don't, sure, you're embarrassed, but if we say dating, it's gonna come out sooner or later. Exactly.

So let me just make the educated choice. And as adults, like grown adults, we can definitely do that, but obviously in our 20s, that wasn't something we were educated. We were educated. No fuck we were. Yeah, no, I went on a date not recently, but the guy said he lived in LA. Cool. Sorry, I don't do long distance. My anxiety at night keeps me up. But I think he had told me he livesitties and L.A. whatever, and then we get to dinner and he said something about he just flew in and I was like, oh, where? And he's like, oh, from Vegas. And I was like, what were you doing in Vegas?

He's like, I live there. And I was like, I'm confused. He lived in L.A. two hours ago. Like, what? Yeah. And to me, it was like, again, let me make, I wouldn't have gone on a date with you if you didn't tell me. I'm like, again, I don't, I just, that's not my thing right now.

Right. So, like, what? And not my thing right now. So what? And it was like, he said it, because he was on the app, this is a couple years ago. And he said it and said, there's like hotter girls in Los Angeles so he put his location to Los Angeles. And I was like, I have to go. I can't.

Oh my God. But that's a flag to me is just like the, it's not dishonest, but it's not quite sharing. And again, it's not like you have to be open about absolutely everything in the day we meet, but like the more you are open about, the more educated my choices can be, and then the less we have to worry about later.

Right, don't be shady about what you're willing to share on a first date. Yeah. You need to be completely brutally honest. This is the light out. Yeah, what you're going to say, don't say you live here when you don't, you can say, you know, I agree with you.

Right, and what Deanna said to you, it's like you don't have you don't say, you know, I agree with you. Right. And what Deonie said to you, you don't have to over share, like you don't need to give them all of your baggage. If you prefer to, someone like me, Sam, I did. You didn't give me all your baggage, day one. Oh, I sure did.

You did, yeah. Not day one because we were drunk at a wedding, but after that in phone conversations, I was like, so, I was canceled, I was on a reality show for a really long time. I had wrote a book about how much I hate my ex-boyfriends, J.K.L.A.L. God. Oh, you took some time to get into what, like, the depth of those relationships. Of course. I didn't like read your book, cover to cover, day two. I didn't do that. I did. That's where it was. Okay. I don't need date? Literally. I mean, I have sex with anybody you want.

Oh, sold. Perfect. I'm no longer single, guys. But yeah, so the beige flag thing, I don't know. I googled it because I saw it on social media. And then it was on CNN. And then I googled it again. And I was like, oh, TikTok, like, whatever.

So this might be a total Gen Z thing. We call them orange flags. But essentially, guys, it's like Quarks, pet peeves, things that you can work through. But we're talking about red call them orange flags. But essentially, guys, it's like Quarks, pet peeves, things that you can work through. But we're talking about red flags and green flags. So I think the synopsis of the red flags from Deonie and I's like, if it's a warning sign, if it feels familiar and it doesn't feel good.

Run. Run. Or don't show up. Basically, trust your fuck. Trust your intuition. Trust your gut. I used to not, I used to tell people I didn't know what my gut was. Like, I don't know, it's me stomach, it's my head, whatever.

But now it's like, your body doesn't lie. This isn't my whole spiritual stuff of learning is like, your body doesn't lie. So if it's in your head, it really being your head. But if you feel like your stomach is hurting, my chest is like where I feel it. Like that anxiety of no, it's not interesting anymore. Yeah, it's not. I know it. Like that anxiety of no, it's not interesting anymore. Yeah, it's not.

Oh, I love that. Dehane, you're the fucking best. I need to come to a some bath. Or just my house. A-sum. Yeah, I should do that. How are you coming in? Five minutes apart.

This is the first time. I know. She's been to the first time. She's been to the first time. Not the first time you met. I think the first time. She's been to my house before. What?

Once, Chris knows. But that means like it's been what, three years since? Yeah. You guys have hung out? COVID. So, we were actually friends on the internet on COVID, more than, didn't we play games? Yeah, we did. Nice.

Yeah, we definitely did. Well, Dehane, when we wrap up our podcast, we have a universal question. We ask all of our guests. And I know I should have prepared her for it, but it's good. You should have grabbed you for this. But you're good off the cuff.

Oh, God. are we singing it? Ah, it's up to you. Singing? Three, two, one. And I would do anything for love. But I won't do. Three songs. Boom.

Nice, that was the cleanest response we've ever had. Really? Great. You used people were like, hold on, give me a sec. Like, oh, I didn't even know that. Well, while you were singing, I was like, what tune is this? And then I was like, okay, no, the question is always off.

I'm always off key. Don't wear, I'm always off key. She's like, if you meet Lil' for the key of not sure. You think I knew what meet Lil' for? I don't know, really? I mean, you know the song. I know the song, I don't know who sings it. Rest in peace, meet Lil' for. Yeah, didn't even know that.

So three sums. Three sums. Boom, done. It's a great, yeah. I mean, I've done three sums, but never worked out well Done. It's a great, yeah. I mean, I've done three sums, but it never worked out well. It definitely wouldn't do it with my boyfriend. What about four sums? Absolutely fucking. Now I think, now you've got me thinking what else would I not do?

Yeah. Long distance. That's what I thought you were going to say. I genuinely thought you were going to say long distance. Honestly, let me rephrase that long distance. Okay. That's hard. And in my 20s, it would be men with kids,

and now I'm too old, so you probably have kids. Yeah, well, I don't, you don't. So here we is. Thanks for reminding me to. It's okay. It's okay, we're good. We love ourselves. We are.

We're high risk. We're high risk. We're high risk. We're high risk. That was a high five for that. Do you, I love you so much. I love you, thank you for having me. And you guys tell everyone where they can find you on social media.

Oh, the thing where you talk about not liking it. Exactly. D-H-Y-A-N-I dot C-O, dionny dot code, dionny dot code, it's dionny bell and I urge all of you to please follow her. She posts, like, as you can see, she's such a badass and so hysterical. But also, you have such a calmness around you that I can feel.

Truly. I know, you're just a fucking joke, so you can take it. I'm like, that change. You really do have such a calmness around you than you did like a year ago. I would agree. Did you ever do stand up?

No. Okay, because there were a couple of lines I felt like you delivered in a way that could have been stand up. I have a chance on that. Okay, I really thought, I think you maybe should explore that. I think on the next. I really thought, I think you maybe should explore that. I think on the next time I show up, I can tell you why I haven't.

Because the fear of failure. We'll talk about fear of failure next time. We totally can. I have a whole life-pide. Life about that. All right, well, do you? I love you. But next time on the podcast, we will talk about fear of failure, because that's a whole other situation.

Thank you. I love you so much. And you guys, please follow Deonie, rate us five stars. And we will talk to you on Friday when we recap Vanderpumpul season two. Kill me. Thanks, Deonie. And I'm going to take a listening. Bye. Thank you guys. Make sure to follow us on social media. You can follow me on all platforms at Kristen Dodie and follow Luke on Instagram at Luke Double underscore Broadway. Be sure to click the subscribe button so you can stay up to date with new episodes every

single Wednesday. Thanks for listening. See you next week. you