Sex With Emily - Am I The Asshole? I’m a Pillow Princess

Episode Date: September 29, 2023

We’re back for another AITA episode! This time it’s all about sexual mismatches. First: they’ve got a 12-year age difference, and she suspects his sex drive is dwindling. She doesn’t want to cheat, but she also wants more sex…what now? Next, he wants sex for pleasure, she was raised to do it only for procreation. Is there any way to meet in the middle? A self-professed "pillow princess" writes in, is she the asshole for wanting to receive pleasure – but not give it? Finally, they’re in a dead bedroom of 10 years. “She’s repulsed by my touch” he writes, but is he really asserting himself to make healthy changes? You decide.Send us your AITA questions for the chance to have yours featured on the show at sexwithemily.com/aita.See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.Show Notes:How to Master Lotus PositionHow To Meditate, Masturbate, Manifest Like a ProVIIA Hemp Co’s High Love Libido Gummies (code EMILY for 15% sitewide + Free CBD Gummies Sample)SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureWant more? Sex With Emily: HomeLet’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Let’s text: Sign Up HereWant me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You can't be everything in the bedroom. The bedroom is a side note. It's not like they're everything but they won't play pickleball with me. Sex is the thing in the relationship that makes you connect it and lovers romantic partners. Now if you're saying she's your everything she's your best friend but she's not going to be the one that is your sex partner because that's what it's going. Well then you need to figure out how you're going to get your deeds back because it doesn't sound like she's meeting your fundamental needs of sex. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. You all loved our recent Amideasal episodes, so we're back with another one. And this time, we're answering questions at the Sex with Emily communities submitted to our Amideasal episode, so we are back with another one. And this time, we're answering questions at the Sex with Emily communities submitted to our Amideasal form. From mismatch libidos and sexless marriages to pillow princesses, producer Eric and I are letting you know if you're approaching asshole territory or not.

And not the good kind. If you're wondering if you're the asshole in a certain scenario, submit your question to sexwithemily.com slash AITA. That to sexwithemily.com slash A-I-T-A. That's sexwithemily.com slash A-I-T-A. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to this show, my new articles, how to master lotus position, and how to meditate, manifest, masturbate like a pro.

Are up on sexwithemily.com. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. We can wait for clean water solutions, or we can engineer access to clean water, or we can learn from indigenous voices, or we can demand more from the earth, or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at YorkU.ca-slash right the future. Have fun, Erica, that we are back that our listeners went to the form on the website and they sent us some amazing scenarios here. So exciting.

I love this segment. I'm obsessed with this segment. It's so much fun. It is so much fun, you guys, because it is hard for me to tell you that you're on Asphalt because I think that we're all learning together, but some of these, you know. Some people need to be told. They're doing it to be us. I think it's a great way to learn, okay?

This is from Marie, she's 46. Am I the asshole for thinking he should want sex as much as me? Hi, Dr. Emily. My husband is 12 years older than me. He's 58. I love this man so much, but his sex drive is dwindling and has always been an issue due to tiredness or stress and overworking, and by the asshole for thinking

he should want as much sex as me. We only have sex one maybe two times a week if I'm lucky. Sometimes we go two weeks, it's so awful. I'm in my prime, but this has been an issue for our entire marriage. He tries, but now that he's nearing 60, I'm angry my sex life may be coming to an end of the next decade. I do not believe in affairs or other partners, but man, I have daydreamed about it, which makes me wonder if I'm an asshole. But I seriously love this man with all my heart. It's really devastating to me.

Let's get into this. So first, that's gotta be frustrating. Let's put it out there. Whenever we want sex, more than our partner, it's not fun. And it can feel really, really frustrating. It can lead to resentment and anger, and it sounds like Marie's getting ahead of it. She's like, I see where this is going. The decade ahead of me, we're gonna continue to have sex so sporadically.

What am I gonna do? But am I even an asshole for thinking like that I want more sex? Let me just say this, you're not an asshole. And I think specifically she wants to use an asshole for thinking about wanting to have sex with other partners. Many people have that thought. That's why there's such a rise in non monogamy. There's a huge rise in ethical non-bidogamy, but let's walk before you run here because she says I don't believe in affairs or other partners. And I just want you to put't believe in affairs or other partners. And I just want you to put a pin in that for a minute. Miss match, sex rise are very common.

This is where age differences come into play. As we get older, if you've been with someone for a long time, but then you start approaching between 40, 50, 60, 70, we see a drop in hormones, our body starts to change, our desire starts to change, and I hear often from people who say, it was great for a long time, but there was a big jump between 15, 16, 16, and 70.

This is something to think about right now, if you were falling in love with someone and there was an age difference, start to talk about now, start to troubleshoot, and say, what are we gonna do when this happens to us? But let's get back to Marie here for a moment. So he's never had his high sex drive, and so it sounds like this has been building over time. And it's important now to have a real talk with him about what could we do? How can we problem solve this?

Because I'm also hearing that one maybe two times a week isn't even enough for you. Sounds like she really wants it even more than that. Let's say he decides and he says, okay, I'm set. Let's do it twice a week. Would you be okay with that? Because if you are, I think we could work around this. I think you could talk to him and let him know. Let's start to schedule sex. Let's figure out and get very specific how we can troubleshoot here. So we have a plan in place to make sure that two times a week happens. And before you tell me scheduling sex is in sexy, we have so much evidence of couples who thought the same thing, but once they realize it, oh,

I need to prioritize our sex life. As much as I prioritize my workouts, eating healthy, spending time with the kids, our aging parents, your sex is no different that we have to make time for. The thing that's less sexy than scheduling sex is not having sex at all. You might as well put it on the calendar and make it guaranteed. You guarantee it, you're getting your needs met, and then you both get to say, we have this commitment, and then let's think about ways we could keep it hot and interesting.

And then that's our new memory. You listen to the show, you know I gave a lot of tips for spicing it up. Beyond scheduling sex, what positions can you try? What toys can you try? Do you need to get a new lubricant, new locations, and you guys taking trips together? I know for sure that vacation sex can be just a thing that some couples need to keep it hot, whether it's going away for a night even, just getting out of your bedroom,

getting out of your routine. But it's really important to just also have a real conversation with them, and say, babe, the 12 years age difference is now becoming a factor. And I want to make sure that we're great lovers to each other and ask him for ideas. You don't have to come in with a plan. Remember, these conversations about your sex life are ongoing.

And if you haven't quite talked about it to this depth, let them know in a really loving way that your sex life is important to you. You're trying to figure out ways that you can keep this going and you're open to his suggestions. Because remember this, that sex beget sex. So when you're the partner that doesn't want sex, it can feel like another request from your partner and it can be really frustrating, but I want you to remind your partner, maybe you can listen together that the more you guys can figure out, A, the right time of date, have sex, the right time of week to have sex, and how you're going to have sex, and B, that it's just really important to keep the energy alive in your

relationship. It might be easier for him to kind of make it happen and to work together with you to make sure that you keep it how it's interesting. Now, if he's never had a high sex drive either, that's something important to dress as well, but also approaching 60 could be a great time for him to get his hormones checked, to think about if there's any sort of hormone replacement therapy that could help It's helped so many people get their sex drive to where they want it to be and I think it's really important to have these Conversations especially as you both are getting older because it sounds like you're already getting angry

I'm like you were just telling me about how resentments are one of the things that can really kill a relationship. They do. Resetment become really toxic. Resetment is just a stop away from contempt. And when couples move into contempt, like you, everything they do is annoying you, you feel awful already. Like that word awful has a tinge of anger to it. So watch it before you get to resentment. That is a town that's very hard to leave.

So keep us posted, Marie. So who's the asshole? I don't think there's any assholes here. You think the assholes? No assholes. By the way, you guys have anal problems. anal plays a really fun way to spice it up. Right. And if he's near and 60, have you played with his prostate yet? You're never too old. You're never too old. Also, just to go back to the woody be open to, you know, you having sex with someone else. If you get to the point where that is something that you're into and you think, you know, I love this person, he's my partner, I'm with him. If you're with someone who doesn't want to clean the house, you hire a housekeeper. So you can't just say, I don't want to have sex. And now if it's stretching in a two week,

because that two weeks can stretch in a three week. So let's try to come up with a plan right now, but also again, if you need to find someone else that's sex with, maybe that could be in your future. As long as you both are on the same page, it's done with respect, I don't think you need to slip into a fair territory. No, not at all. We're not saying a fair territory.

Exactly. I don't know what you was like, oh, you're pushing this non-managamous agenda. I'm just bringing it up more because you're all bringing it up more. You're all, I'm not saying Maria's, but I'm hearing from a lot of you. You're asking questions about it. And the world is just going that way.

If you look around, there's just more people talking about their non-managamous lifestyle and then it works. Not for everybody, but I'm just here to give you information and let you know know there's options. Thanks, Marie. Keep us posted. This is from an anonymous male. He's 39 in the United States. Anonymous wants to know too, is he the asshole for wanting more sex in his partner? But this scenario is different. Really different. Hi, Dr. Emily. I've been married for over six years and

have two kids together. I moved to the States when I was little so my viewpoints on sex are 50-50 between Western and Asian cultures, while my wife's perspective on sex is solely on traditional Asian culture, in which it's primarily for procreating. On top of that, she's been cold and distant for me because I haven't generated the result she's looking for, such as making more money. I have some ADHD symptoms, which takes me longer to think and execute on things, which is a huge turn off for her because she can multitask without any issues. It's safe to say that I also have a higher sex drive and don't want to seek it outside the marriage, and at the same time, I don't want to stay celibate for the rest of my life either.

I'm top of that, she's adamantly denied us going to couples therapy or going to therapy for myself. What are some ways I can get her to warm up to having sex again or does it sound like she's officially checked out? Who'd love to hear your perspective on this? Alright, cultural norms is really really important. We can't just set that aside because I'm also sure these cultural norms probably impact other areas of the relationship. And right now we're talking about sex, but these cultural norms show up in the way they handle money, the way they parent kids, the way they deal with their aging parents, their attitudes towards work.

So I think that we just can't say enough about couples kind of learning to work through these and talk about cultural norms as they come up. So if she grew up in a strict culture, that is a tough nut to crack, especially if she says, I'm not gonna have sex and I won't go to therapy. It's a one, two, punch.

You gotta understand that you can't just say, I'm not having sex or great at therapy. First off, when you tell your partner, you're not gonna go to therapy and you're not gonna invest in your relationship, it is really the one thing that I can tell you all that you need somebody to help you work through these challenges. And to say you won't go to therapy is like saying you won't go to a dentist when you

were too thick. It's literally the one solution I have for couples who can't have the conversation on their own. They need a mediator. Therapy's like a tune up for your relationship. I don't know where you go from here. She's not having sex and not therapy. So I think that's a little bit ass-holish,

but only because she doesn't know how he better, and she's probably not talking to her friends about it. See, I have a hard time calling that ass-holish. It's probably a lot of people who engage in this ass-holed behavior in terms of not putting in the work into a relationship. But it's interesting because I feel like we always hear people writing in who just aren't able to Hear or be heard by their partners and it's like why would that change if you don't have a third party perspective?

But we know that they're such a stigma around therapy, but y'all it's more accessible than ever Now is the time. Yeah, you guys can make an zoom appointment It could be once a week for an hour on Wednesday afternoons from three to four. And you sit there on a zoom in front of a therapist that can help you guys have conversations. They're going to give you homework and they're not going to help you listen to each other. That's really what couples therapy is. They help you listen and they help you hear each other. If you want to try it again, I would say to her, using all the

communication skills that we often talk about, just saying, I need you to understand, wife, that it's really hard for me to feel connected to you and to stay in this relationship when the cornerstones of a really solid relationship is communication and sex. So you can let her know that you'd love to know her solutions. What does she think you guys can do? What does she want? What makes her feel loved and connected in the relationship? I think letting her know your feelings and how you're having a hard time connecting

and that it's imperative for you guys to figure out how to repair and how to continue to build. Now also, she's saying that it's the money thing. I was just gonna say, let's get into that. Let's get into the money thing because that's also real, but also unfair. That she's saying you're not making enough money and she's probably saying you're not making enough money and therefore I'm not having sex with you and I'm not going to therapy. Believe me, if you won the lottery tomorrow, I have a sense that she'd find something else.

There's always something else. It is never about the facts. What does Esther Pearl say? It's about It is never about the facts. What did Esther Pearl say? It's about the context, not the facts. This is not about the money. It could be the money. It could be something else. I'm not downplaying money in a relationship because money is a huge factor.

But it's not the only thing going on. And I feel like she's probably beating you up here saying you don't make money and you don't execute on things because you've ADHD and picking at you and making you feel bad. And it's probably not helping yourself this team either. That's really toxic to you after a while when your partner's like, you're not making money. You're not getting stuff done.

And I'm not going to have sex with you. Listen, anonymous, if she won't go to therapy with you, I highly recommend that you go to therapy for yourself because that's the thing I have to tell you all of you. If your partner won't go, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't go. And in fact, getting into your own kind of therapy is going to help you learn to communicate better with your partner as well. And it certainly will help you in your own life. Find a therapist, the great thing that is accessible. A lot of insurance companies will cover therapy now. So please find some help so you can continue to work on your own self-confidence in this relationship and figure out ways that you can communicate

with your partner and if you're not able to move the needle here then you're going to have to figure out what does feel right with you so you're with a partner who is supportive and has the same values and goals that you do. Going back to the money thing, because I feel like we don't talk about it enough. When does money matter in a relationship, if ever? So here's the thing about money in relationships. And to be honest, it's not that different than talking about sex. We don't talk about sex and we don't talk about money. We need to talk about money in a really real, transparent way.

What we want to make or what our budget is, how much we spend. And so I think having a conversation about your wife is like, what are her expectations? What would be enough money? Do you feel that if you continue to make money that it will never be enough? Is there stuff that you are doing that you could maybe be making more? Could she be making more money?

Like, what are the expectations here? You have to get into the nitty gritty. Like, what is really happening here? Because if you're content with your job and you're money that you're making and you don't have plans to actually be making more, which is common, there's some people who are like, I'm okay. This is a good amount for me. It's a good amount for our family and I don't want to make more. Does she have different goals on money than you do? Because that's also another thing that you

guys need to talk about and be realistic. Which could also be a cultural difference too, if she grew up with the idea that the man should be making more money. The man should be making X amount of money per year. That's definitely a conversation to have in the early stages of relationships. Oh, God. Well, let's talk about the early stages of relationships. You have to be transparent about your debt. You have to talk if someone's a saver and someone's a spender. I mean, that's almost as important as different sexual preferences. Someone who saves money is constantly looking at every bottom line and someone who's a

spender that can really hurt the saver. And then the one who spends all the time is looking at the saver, thinking that they're cheap. And these things really are important to figure out, well, how are we going to manage just like, you know, our sex lives? How are we going to manage someone who has a high libido and a lower libido? If someone is a saver and someone is a spender, then you look at your money, you decide where are we going to splurge and where we're going to save.

It's the same exact thing. For example, if this was an issue in my relationship, I would say right now, I love to splurge on vacations. I want to splurge on experiences, but I don't need to spend as much on clothes, let's say. I don't need to spend as much on furniture. I can get furniture secondhand. I can get clothes secondhand, but I want to save all of our money for trips or for meals. That's a way a couple can deal with values around money.

If someone isn't making enough, but maybe anonymous, do you feel personally that you'd like to be making more money? Because if so, it sounds like that maybe the ADHD could be holding you back, for example. If your wife is somebody who just gets stuff done and she's a multitasker, what if you asked her to help you? What if you said we're in this together? I'd also like more money, but having ADHD, could you help me set some goals? Reach out to new employers.

Maybe help you figure out how to make more money. Just like sex and relationships, we often put it all on one partner to solve it, to make all the money, to be the one that researches sex. But this is my word relationship. We're in relationships to have a partnership and to collaborate. Which is, you know, one of my five pillars of sexual intelligence is how do couples collaborate?

That's a really important factor. So how you guys deal with money is just as important as your sex life. Thank you, anonymous. Appreciate your question. All right, assholes. Don't go anywhere, because we'll be right back after a quick break.

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Are you sure you're sure? Get answers you can trust from Salesforce at askmorevei.com. This is from Lauren, she's 37. Am I the asshole for being a pillow princess in bed? Hi, Dr. Emily. Am I the asshole for being a pillow princess in bed? I prefer to be serviced versus taking charge and being on top, figuratively and literally.

It's not laziness. I just can't focus as much on the pleasure if I'm in control. All right. You are not an asshole. In fact, I love that you know what you need. You are light years ahead, many people who just sort of pretend they want something else and perform during sex. This is what you're saying. You're saying, I want to be serviced. This is who I am. And she's going to have to find a partner who's okay with it, which is totally doable.

If being quote lazy in bed is how she can be in her body more and feel more pleasure, I think that's totally valid. As long as she's also giving the time to please her partner, I think that's where it could be an asshole if you're just like, I'm a receiver on the percent of the time, you can take care of yourself. It obviously has to be reciprocated maybe on a different night. One night's all about you, one night's all about me, as you always say.

She's going to have to find some balance here. But if she finds somebody who loves being on top and they get off by her getting off that's great, but there has to be a given take care. That's exactly it. She can't just absolve herself from all responsibility in the relationship. You can't just say, yes, just service me and I'm never going to do anything, but have a talk with your partners and let them know. Find someone who's okay with it. I just love people to know what they want. Mostly what we do here is help people figure out how to get it.

I don't think you're an asshole at all, but you could venture into asshole territory if you are just disinterested and not involved at all in your partner's pleasure. You also won't respect that person up to wrong. I'm going to be honest, if you just feel like you're just taking, taking, taking, eventually, that dynamic doesn't work. Even when we think we want somebody who does whatever we want, it becomes codependent sometimes and just toxic. And then we resent someone like, why are they standing up for themselves?

So I just fast forwarded in her relationships so she doesn't give, that's what's gonna happen Lauren. So, speak up for what you need, and then find out what your partners need as well. I also think that sometimes women and vulva owners can be pillow princesses because they maybe don't know how to give their partner pleasure.

There's not a lot of examples, I feel like, of how to be the woman in charge in a partnered sex scenario that's not like a giving oral sex, you know, or... That's a great point because she says, I can't focus much on the pleasure if I'm in control. So she's actually saying she has a way of moving her body probably on the bottom and just sort of taking pleasure, which is very different than people who might be pillow princesses, but they're not actually having any pleasure. They're just lying there and not advocating for what they want. That's a different scenario. Yeah. I always thought of pillow princesses as like someone who just kind of lies there, which is very common. It is common too, Vid, I like that we're making this a feature because we're not saying that someone

who just lies there and receives and is checking the email. Now looking it up, it says being a pillow princess is someone who only likes receiving and not giving, which is what she's saying. But, and we already clarified that. We already clarified that with you. Maybe you'll find a partner who's like, you know what? I just wanna give to you,

but you're gonna have to make me dinner. I don't know. There's gonna have to be some giving. And in fact, I don't think that I leave us feel good as humans if we don't give equitably in a relationship or in general. So could we maybe say that if you are 100% of pillow princess, that is kind of an asshole behavior?

If you're only receiving a never giving? I think so. I think we can say that that would be an asshole move if you refuse to give and only receive sexually. So that was kind of an evolution, because that's not an evolution. But if she finds a partner who really, really, really is okay with it, they completely understand what you mean by pillow princess. You're never going to give them any kind of oral.

You're never going to give them a massage. You're not going to initiate and they're actually okay with it. And being the dominant one in charge, maybe they get turned on by that? Yeah, then, then I'm okay if you're all okay. But it was being asked whole move if she was in a relationship and just pulls the pillow princess card. But if she's very forthcoming about who she is, she finds a taker. You're good to go.

You're golden, aren't we support you? That's all about consent, right? If someone consents to being with you as your pillow princess self, let's go. Let's go. This is from Mark, he's 42 and he says, neither of us are assholes, but we're not having sex. I'm in a dead bedroom of 10 plus years with my wife and friend of 22 years.

We've been in therapy for the last year, and I've consumed years of podcast books, Instagram psychology journaling so much, just so so much, she hates her body, which is a pity, she's gorgeous, has childhood trauma and is repulsed by my touch. Repulsed is an intense word. I know she loves me, she's just asleep before 9, recorles when I suggest date nights and

scheduled sex has never been an option for her. She's my mother fucking person. I don't want to leave her, but I can't initiate. Years of rejection and a dash of rejection dysphoria and I'm scared of feeling horny. I'm not the asshole and neither is she. I have sex with her about once every five to six months and I hate that our sex life is and has always been unilaterally her decision. My main approach is to make sure that she knows that I am still her safe place but nothing has shifted and it's been years. Any advice? P.S. Penelissins, your

podcast for three plus years and it's really years, any advice, PSPenlisting to your podcast for three plus years and it's really good, just makes me jealous of people that are having sex when I'm not, because my sexual self is a petulant child, apparently. All right, there's some anger, which I totally understand here, Mark, and let me just say a side note here. He's been with her for 22 years.

That's a long time. And then we're hearing that since the beginning, it's been this way. And so I don't want to use you as an example here, but I have to mark. So if you're listening to me right now, and you're in a new relationship, or you've been with someone for three years, five years, whatever it is, you have all the information you need. People don't change that much. So if you're with somebody right now who doesn't want sex, they won't communicate about sex. You've tried things but they won't talk about sex. Do something now. Don't wait 22 years. Don't wait another 10 years. People don't change unless they want to change. So, a lot of times we sit

in a relationship thinking, oh, maybe they're going to come around. Maybe they're going to, no, they don't come around. People just become more set in their ways than they get. This could be a wake-up call for many. But let's go back to Mark here, my darling Mark. I know you love each other deeply. You are in a very intense relationship of connection and she is your everything and you're here everything it sounds like. I get it.

But you've been listening to podcasts and advice for 10 years, my podcast for three years. You want to grow some balls here Mark. You want to do something here to move this because you have enough information. You know her. Either you're gonna try to work on this relationship intensely like it is your job because it is your job

or you have to get out of this relationship. You just do. Because now you're venturing into you are afraid of rejection. And then you've got fear in all these places you're afraid of. You do have sex now, you're afraid of you. Don't have sex. When you do have sex, you are afraid of rejection. And then you've got fear in all these places you're afraid. If you do have sex now, you're afraid if you don't have sex. When you do have sex, you're afraid because you know what she's gonna say later. He even said it's it's making him afraid to be horny at all. You're afraid to be horny now. What are too afraid of? There is fear permeating every

area of your relationship right now and I'm not feeling great about this for you. So it's probably impacting other areas of your life. It's probably impacting your confidence, your self-esteem now and I'm not feeling great about this for you. So it's probably impacting other areas of your life. It's probably impacting your confidence, your self-esteem. And I'm not even sure how you guys are communicating about other things. If you're walking on eggshells around your sex life, where else are you walking on eggshells?

But she does say that she's his person. And this, we hear this so many times. Someone is your everything except in the bedroom. You can't be everything out of the bedroom. The bedroom is a side note. It's not like they're everything, but they won't play pickleball with me. Sex is the thing in the relationship

that makes you connected and lovers romantic partners. Now, if you're saying she's your everything, she's your best friend, but she's not gonna be the one that is your sex partner because that's where it's going. Well, then you need to figure out how you're gonna get your needs back because it doesn't're saying she's your everything, she's your best friend, but she's not gonna be the one that is your sex partner, because that's where it's going. Well, then you need to figure out how you're gonna get your needs back, because it doesn't sound like she's meeting

your fundamental needs of sex. Sex is important in a relationship when one person wants it, and the other one doesn't, it's still important. If you both don't want it, and you both have opted out of sex, well, then we wouldn't be having conversation right now. She does need to go to individual therapy for her trauma.

It's going to work on her body confidence, she has to work on her trauma, and also you need individual therapy. And in fact, where I've seen this work for couples, Erica, where I think this could turn around if they both go to individual therapy and they both go to therapy together. They need it. They need some embodiment. She could work with like an embodiment counselor, a sexological body worker. They need healing, they need touch,

baby they need some tantra, some eye gazing. Cause. Yeah, what are some examples of those exercises? Okay, so I would love them to have examples of sitting with a therapist that has them just look into each other's eyes for a few minutes and see what emotions come up. What are they feeling in their bodies?

Somebody who will help them speak bodily wisdom and helps her get more grounded in her emotions and her sexual energy. I mean, it sounds like if she's had some trauma, she's probably just stuffed it all way down, which is why she can say, I hate sacks, I hate my body. So an embodiment therapist would help them look

into each other's eyes. They would have them practice one way touch. She would maybe shut her eyes and he would do some touch on her hand and she would explain where she wants to be touched and where she doesn't want to be touched. Then they would reverse roles. That's what a therapist who specializes

in this could help them with some words around touch and connection and intimacy. And if you guys don't want to do that kind of work, then definitely just a talk therapist to help you communicate because if you are each other's person and you're really able to explain to her the way that she can learn to listen because therapist also helps you listen and repeat back what you heard. If she hears you, her person, explain how much you're suffering, how you're walking on eggshells, how you're not feeling great about sex anymore because you're not even feeling this connection in love from her. I can't imagine that your life partner

isn't going to ever react to that and going to want to do everything they can to make you feel heard and seen and nurtured and loved. Maybe people still don't because they have shame around sex. It is again the only solution therapy if you want it to work. Yeah. Now, sometimes couples have a life threatening thing happen. It's like a death of a loved one or a partner or they, you know, get sick and something happens and they realize how precious their relationship is,

how precious is life that, but I don't want to wait until it's life or death. I want you guys to do this right now. I want you guys to work on your relationship today. And I think I had a therapy essentially saying I am opting out of the relationship. I'm not okay with that. You already know that it's not working. I get here the suffering and the tinge of anger and resentment already boiling over in the way you are talking to me here, Mark. So take some action. You can only control your side of it. So if you got to get into therapy once you're

toys a week and learn some tools, then do it. You're responsible for your own mental health as well. Thanks for your question, Mark. That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email.

So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you?

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