Sex With Emily - Best Of: Conscious, Casual Sex

Episode Date: May 17, 2024

Let’s face it: casual sex often gets a bad rap. It’s thought of as just another swipe, a fleeting moment, a reflection of society’s current hookup culture, or something disposable. But hold up! It doesn't have to be that way. When you bring a little intention and mindfulness into the mix, casual sex can be the spark that reignites your erotic energy. In my opinion, the secret sauce is all about knowing yourself and being crystal clear about what you want from your casual encounters. This episode, I’ll be teaching you how to dive into casual sex with purpose and channel your inner Samantha Jones. In this episode you’ll learn:  All the different types of casual sex out there How to know if casual sex is right for you (because it isn’t for everyone!)  When it’s best to turn down a potential partner Show Notes: Join me for a Sexual Wellness Weekend in Canyon Ranch! 7 Myths of Non Monogamy Friends With Benefits: A Guide SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) LOKI WAVE 2 The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.

Just think about it. What is a requirement for you to have satisfying sex? Do not communicate that to a casual sex partner. Self-knowledge, knowing what you need to make sex feel good for you, and the willingness to say it out loud. If you can do both of those things, you are on your way to more successful casual sex. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Casual sex gets a bad rap. We associate it with hookup culture, with disposability,

with mindless Tinder swipes, but it doesn't have to be that way, especially when approached with an intentional conscious mindset. Casual sex can be exactly what you need to feel erotic and energized again. The key? Knowing yourself. And knowing precisely what you want to get out of your casual sex experience. On today's show, I parse out all the different types of casual sex out there and offer some

research that may surprise you. Next I discuss how you know if casual sex is right for you and when it's best to say, no thank you. Finally, I coach you in how to make your casual sex encounters fulfilling with maturity, self-awareness, and of course, an orgasm or two or 10. Please don't forget to rate and review Sex with Emily. Wherever you listen to the show,

it just really helps us get the shot to more sex positive, sex curious people like you. Takes two seconds, you can do it right now. You can also find me in all the socials, Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, Facebook, X, all the places, it's all at Sex with Emily. And you gotta check out my new articles, seven solo sex positions

and seven embarrassing sex questions, masturbation edition. These are all up on SexWithEmily.com. One more thing before we get into the episode. I'm so excited to announce I'm doing something for the first time and I hope you'll join me. I am hosting an intimate women's retreat at Canyon Ranch Wellness Resort and Spa in Tucson, Arizona. And we're going to spend four days and three nights together where I can answer your questions,

have intimate discussions throughout the weekend about pleasure, sexuality, sexual intelligence. We're gonna have a special retail pop-up experience, having all my favorite product recommendations. And I really hope you'll join me. I'm gonna put a link in the show notes. You can also find more at sexwithemily.com slash live. Can't wait to see you.

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to enchant pleasure seekers around the globe. That's sexwithemily.com slash magic wand. Magic wand more than just a vibrator. Let's talk casual sex. So I've been hearing from a ton of you all lately about how to navigate it, if you should navigate it, all that. Because casual sex can take many different forms. So first let's lay out a few scenarios and definitions before I share tips for making

sure it's right for you and answering your questions. Alright, what is casual sex? The first big clarifying point I wanna make is this. Casual sex doesn't automatically mean hookup culture. Hookup culture implies a disposability to one's sexual connections. And I think that's where we get research linking to poor mental health outcomes

when it's all about just like we're getting wasted, we're hooking up and we don't care about anyone's feelings. But please know if you're interested in casual sex, you can navigate it as a conscientious person. Casual doesn't have to mean disposable. Casual sex does mean that the sex you're having isn't currently happening inside of a committed relationship container. So, you're not committed. That's what it means.

But what other forms can casual sex take? Well, maybe you're at a stage in your life where you like having sex and you like being in relationships, but you know, for whatever reason, you just don't have time to put into a committed relationship right now because maybe you have an incredibly demanding job, for example, or you're traveling. So casual sex might be right for you. Or maybe you're a recent divorcee or you just broke up with someone and before jumping right back into a relationship, you want to explore your sexual taste with other people.

Find out what you're into now post breakup, post relationship ending, or maybe you're in an open relationship where you do have a committed nesting partner or primary partner, but you also have casual play partners. Maybe you're doing friends with benefits where the basis of your connection with someone is friendship, but you're having sex and you're also consciously not adopting

the social designation of romantic partners. Oh, side note about Friends with Benefits, we have an entire episode that is devoted to Friends with Benefits relationships. If you wanna check that out, we'll put it in the show notes. Or maybe you want to have casual sex with people until one of these people

emerges as a potential serious partner. That's okay too. It's all right to have casual sex and still be looking for a real committed partner. When it comes to casual sex, we've definitely seen a shift in not only attitudes but also towards behavior. So interestingly, a recent study showed that for college students, get this, casual sex is less frequent than it was for older generations.

In fact, among young people, casual sex is on the decline, which is linked to less alcohol consumption, living longer at the parents' house, and being more online in general than previous generations. While casual sex may be decreasing, between 60% and 80% of American college students report having some sort of hookup experience. But here's the thing, attitudes towards casual sex are evolving for every generation. The stigma is lifting. It's becoming an emerging category of sexual connection. And similar to the Friends with Benefits show, people are now asking what language and protocols they should use to engage in casual sex. So know this, having casual sex isn't good or bad.

You don't need to feel peer pressured into it. Just because the stigma is lifting doesn't mean that you have to just all of a sudden get on the casual sex bandwagon. But you also don't need to avoid it because you're worried about being judged. So in my generation, when I went to college, there was no casual sex options. You would be judged. There was a stigma around it. And so I think there were times looking back that I probably would have had casual sex,

but I knew that I didn't wanna have that reputation or stereotype that was so pervasive back then. And I wish that there was more agency and permission to be more sexual and to be more experiential. So I think we're in a really good time right now. And there was definitely wasn't a sex advice show back then. So now with these studies and scenarios in mind, let's look at the pros and cons of casual sex. How to know if casual sex is right for you. So here's some of the benefits as well as some of the downsides. First and foremost,

you get to experience sex and touch with another person. That alone has the potential to release endorphins, oxytocin, dopamine, you know, your brain's cocktail of happy hormones. Don't underestimate the importance of human touch. I think we all learned that the last few years. Really, really important. And we miss it when we don't have it. You also get to hone your sexual skills and try out sexual activities with consent to see what they feel like. You also get to just date around and hone in on the values that are important to you in relationships and what you like in a partner.

This is how you get to figure it out. Pragmatically, you might choose to have casual sex when you heal from a breakup. No judgment there. As long as you're open and transparent with the other person, I think it's totally okay. Very importantly, let's not underestimate this, you get to feel sexually attractive. Sometimes when we're going through a period of not having sex or we're really busy and just hasn't been a part of our life, It feels really good to get attention from others. Never tire of that, right? You also get to feel sexually attractive in your own body.

There was a recent study that looked at individuals' emotional responses to casual sex. Surprisingly, most participants concluded that their casual sex experience was more positive than negative. Important side note about that study, individuals were more likely to have a positive experience with casual sex if they avoided excessive alcohol intake and achieved a level of sexual satisfaction.

Finally, participants had a better experience with casual sex partners if they already knew them because listen, when there's more trust trust this has been documented in many studies when there's more trust in a relationship or with a partner even a casual sex partner you're gonna have more sexual pleasure and more orgasms think about it when it's somebody you don't know and it's casual and it's new and you know there's a lot of different factors it's really hard to say, I don't know this person at all and I'm gonna let go, surrender, and be my full sexual self.

It's trickier with casual sex. So that trust point is really important. So think about it. That's different than the like, met this person at the bar and went home with them. It's very different kind of casual sex than we're talking about in the show. And again, benefits to all kinds of sex,

just honing in here so you can kind of wrap your head around what might be right for you. So those are some reasons why you might want to engage in casual sex, there's some of the pluses. Let's look at some of the downsides. They include increased exposure to STIs and potential for a pregnancy. It's a bummer, but it is true.

The more sexual partners you have without protection, you are more likely to get an STI or an STD. Also if you're really looking for a romantic partner but you haven't stated that upfront, casual sex could certainly set you up for disappointment. Why does this person be romantic? Why aren't they asking about my day? Why don't they remember what I told them about my family or my work?

So that can be stressful. And that could also be heartbreaking. You're like, I thought this person cared about me because our sex is so intimate, but yet it's casual. So I can't have expectations that they're gonna buy me a Valentine's Day present. If the sex partner isn't on the same page as you, that could be really challenging. Also, very unsatisfying sex. Like if it's a stranger and you haven't really communicated about what you're looking for,

or you're impaired, you're drunk, or you're high. So in the end, maybe you didn't get a lot of pleasure out of it because it was a stranger, but you were also kind of out of your mind. You also set yourself up for a feeling of rejection or disposability, especially if you're prone to anxiety or you have an anxious attachment style, casual sex just might not be a wise choice for your mental health. You know you're the kind of person that you know you're going to be glued to the phone waiting to see if they text or they call you. You're gonna be on their Instagram page refreshing, you know, just like their TikTok.

What are they doing? And you're gonna get obsessed. You know this about yourself. Or maybe you'll learn to know this by yourself. And this is why the big reason why casual sex just doesn't work for people. They're like, it's just not for me. It's can't handle it. And totally fine. Know yourself.

That's the greatest wisdom out there. Knowing yourself and to know what kind of expectations you might be placing on the other person is important. And we're gonna get into how to communicate about what you want in these relationships in a minute, but a lot of us aren't communicating in casual scenarios ever. So knowing this is important.

So now you can decide whether it's right for you or not right for you. So if you want to move forward with casual sex, here's how to make it great. First, make sure that you feel comfortable stating your intentions out loud before having sex with someone. Then casual sex could really be great for you. You want to be able to confidently say to the other person, I'm looking at casual sex only right now. You know, that's the most mature step. Setting expectations from the jump. Second, think about can you tell this person what you need for sex to be satisfying? Do you need a specific sexual behavior like lots of foreplay? Do you need a sexual style like strong power dynamic?

Do you need lots of cuddles? I mean think about it. Is this something that you can bring into your casual relationship? Do you know how to ask for that? Once you know this, like here's the thing. I love to cuddle. It's a really big part of my priorities when it comes to sex. I like touch. If I'm sleeping over at someone's house, like I want to be touching. It's a really big part of my priorities when it comes to sex. I like touch. If I'm

sleeping over at someone's house, like I want to be touching. Not the whole time. I get it. It gets hot. But I like touch. If I'm with somebody and they roll over and fall asleep or there's no touch, that's not going to be a casual sex partner for me because it's missing a really core ingredient that's a requirement for me. So I kind of suss that out early on when I'm in my casual sex phases, which I've been in. Just think about it. What is a requirement for you to have satisfying sex?

Do not communicate that to a casual sex partner. Self-knowledge, knowing what you need to make sex feel good for you, and the willingness to say it out loud, if you can do both of those things, you are on your way to more successful casual sex. So for example, if you're on an app and you meet a potential play partner, you could say, hey, I'm only having casual sex right now. But just so you know, I'm really into foreplay. Does that work for you?

If so, great. If not, no hard feelings. Another thing to look at, do you know what your overall goals are? Is it to test the waters with people, to see if they'd make a good long-term match? Is it to get over an ex? Is it to practice your sex skills? Is it to have a kinky experience with someone who shares your kink? I mean, those are all great goals. And if you know what your casual sex goals are and feel comfortable sharing those with a potential partner, another good sign. Casual sex opens up the door for experimentation.

You know, I remember when I was looking for jobs at a college, getting the advice like, you should take every job interview just to get experience with job interviews. Well, I think casual sex can be like that. I'm not saying you should sleep with every partner that comes your way, but I am saying casual sex allows you to kind of figure out what you're actually into

and it allows you to practice, practice asking for what you want and practice figuring out what you're into. And also you guys, the stakes are a little bit lower in casual sex and that like you are you know maybe it's not so you're not looking for a long-term partner. So while it's so important to respect this person and be honest and communicative there's not that like oh this is the person for the rest of my life. I like that you can kind of think I can really work on my own sexual social

skills here. Now if you've heard all this and you're thinking to yourself, yes I have these qualities I can pull off casual sex, then that's beautiful. But if you've had experiences before where casual sex made you feel used, devalued, unimportant, etc. you know sent you on a whole downward spiral, then stop and recognize casual sex may not be a healthy choice. And I can be honest here that there have been times in my life where it was a really good choice for me and times where I thought I just don't have the constitution right now, I'm not in that place,

I don't have it in me and I didn't do it. Again, I'm trying to lay out all the things you need to know so you can do it in a way that's healthy and right for you. If you so choose to venture into casual sex. So the two keys that we've covered here, self-awareness and communication. Know what you're looking for with casual sex

and state it out loud. All right, so for a little inspiration, I asked my Instagram audience, you can find us at sexwithemily, what's the best casual sex encounter you've ever had? Ready? Love your answers. A threesome with my two friends who are now engaged.

Haven't had one yet. Just had the best one night stand in Milan as I passed through for a night. Beach party in Thailand. I went from dancing to having sex on the beach without ever speaking words. At a music festival with a fairly new friend was cute, wholesome, and sensual.

Exactly what we both needed. My Peace Corps day with another volunteer. She liked to be spanked. In my office, an old friend and said she was in town and stopped by. A childhood friend I've known for more than 30 years. In the mountains on a hiking trail. Random but awesome. Threesome with a married couple.

On holiday in Greece with a married couple on holidaying Greece with a younger guy outdoors on the rocks in a park and more on a cruise ferriship in Sweden where we did it on one of the decks I departed the next morning someone else said casual sex is never been that great especially one night stands with a property manager of a building I lived in once the heater wasn't working and he came over. That's hot. All right, so what I'm seeing here is a lot of these, you guys are on vacation, it's spontaneous,

it's somebody you might never see again. And that's fun and can be hot too. I've had a lot of those experiences as well. Love the travel. The travel hookup is a good time. All right, so now how do you find a casual sex partner? Honestly, it's the same way you go about finding any kind of sex partner or any kind of partner for relationship. Whether it's the apps, whether it's out in the world, letting everyone know that you're single,

and that you're looking for someone, letting your friends know or your family to fix you up. But the key difference here is that when you do find somebody or when you're dating, you have to keep communicating. You have to tell them, let the person know that this is what you're looking for. I see it on the apps all the time. People say I'm just in town for a few days. I see things like that, but I also see I'm just looking for casual right now. I'm not looking for anything committed.

You want to be real about it and be honest. So the thing about casual sex is I see it being more fluid and more temporary. Now you might be in a casual sex relationship for 10 years or casual sex phase or part of your life for 10 years and yes, I know there are people who have entire lives of casual sex. But what I've seen is that people sort of go in and out

of it, they are in a serious relationship and they kind of dabble in casual sex until they get into a more serious relationship. So that seems to be the norm. And I want to say this that when you do sleep with somebody that I would love everyone to make the assumption that if you haven't spoken to this person about what you're into and what you're looking for, make the assumption that they're probably sleeping with other people too. Because I think a lot of assume like I sleep with someone and now it's gonna be serious

or they're gonna want something or I want something. That might be the case. You might sleep with someone and you might want something more serious, but that's why communication is key here and you gotta let the person know. Like I'm looking for something serious, what about are you looking for?

And it's great to have these conversations before we sleep with someone. We also asked our Instagram audience for Sub inspo about the best casual sex advice you ever received. Communication is key. It's a lot of fun until one person catches feelings and once that happens, jump ship. Yeah, you guys, that's what happens in friends and benefits relationships often. I usually talk about it in that context.

But again, casual relationships, a lot of times they are friends with benefits. But usually what happens with that is that one person catches feelings or one person meets somebody else. So just be mindful of that. Someone else says, don't catch feelings. I think I want to sink into that more. I think it's really hard to say, I'm not going to catch feelings when you catch feelings. So that's kind of setting yourself up for failure.

But what you can do is think about what leads me to catch feelings with somebody and then you can prevent that behavior. For example, sleepovers, taking vacation, helping someone with an intimate emotional personal problem, getting involved with someone's personal life. When you have conversations and experiences when someone's revealing more about themselves, you're going to catch feelings if you're human because you're gonna start to care for them and feel for them. And then let's say you're someone who opens up about your problems and your challenges

and this person helps you, this is where the feelings happen. So if you truly are somebody who does not wanna catch feelings, then you have to stop doing behaviors that are gonna lead you towards catching feelings. I think that could mitigate this problem for many, but again, the heart wants what the heart wants.

Sometimes we are so close with someone and the sex is amazing that of course we want it all. So just be mindful of what it looks like for you when you get into a relationship and start to catch feelings and what's happening for you. Some more advice. Have fun. Get out of your mind into the moment. Don't overthink it. Turns out better with someone you're comfortable with. That is so true in most sexual scenarios.

And again, be safe. Enjoy it. Be free to give and receive the pleasure. Yes, this is all about pleasure! Because in a casual sex relationship that is executed in a healthy way, you can have more pleasure, especially if you advocate for yourself and your own desires. All right. There's some education for you on casual sex. I hope this empowers you to take the next step forward, whether it's no, thank you. Think I'm good. I don't think I'm a good fit for that or yes, now I've got some language for it. I feel like I can navigate this world more confidently.

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with fun, deep vibrations, and each motor controls one massage handle for just pleasure everywhere. Makes sense why this is one of LELO's best sellers. You can get 25% off all LELO products when you use the code SEXWITHEMILY at checkout. Just go to LELO.com and use the code SEXWITHEMILY that's L-E-L-O.com or just click the link in our show notes. This is from Allie24 in Toronto, Canada. Hey Dr. Emily, I have two questions.

I can't orgasm with my vibrator so easily. With my long-term ex-boyfriend, we usually just jumped the chase and it was faster. I want to do it naturally through oral sex. I'm now single, but how do I not make this the focus? Secondly, casual relationships. I'm in a new city and single. I'm meeting guys through mutual friends and I've hooked up with one or two and would again because who doesn't love a casual hookup? How do I do this while also trying to build a friend social network? I want to be friends with these people too and make this very casual or one-time thing. Is this possible?

This has been the only successful way for me to get casual hookups. I'm not loving the dating apps. Alright, so let's answer your first question about orgasming through oral sex. Well, I think when you get into your casual sex experiences, it's great to have this focus. This is what I'm talking about. What are your intentions? What are your goals? What do you want to work on? You want to work on having an orgasm through casual sex. I love it. So you make this a

focus. I mean really when you're making out and things happen before you go down on them perhaps even make sure they go down on you. Let them know if you're talking about sex that you love receiving oral, you love giving oral, and then when they're actually going down on you, this is a great time to practice giving feedback. Practice showing them what you like, either with your fingers or moving in a way that they understand what you like

or talking to them about it afterwards. So great practice here to learn how to get what you need and learn how to have pleasure through oral sex. And also great to weed out people who aren't into oral sex. They're not into giving, they never go down in you. You'll find that out pretty quickly. Al, your next question about what I think I hear you asking is, you try to find out how to meet people in New City.

And you're asking like, you meet a lot of different friend groups and you're wondering if it's okay to sleep with people in those friend groups but just remain friends and I love your attitude towards this like I think it's true like it is easier to meet people to date through friends however not everybody's going to be so cool with that again you gotta know this that let me say this about sleeping with people in friend groups if you and this person communicate about it there's no hard feelings, you're like, I just want this to be casual and everyone feels good.

I love that. God, how great if we can leave every sexual encounter and relationship where everybody's feeling, you know, heard and seen and respected. Love that. That's not always the case, you know? I think we're all imperfect and we're all trying to learn how to be great communicators, especially when it comes to matters of the heart all imperfect and we're all trying to learn how to be great

communicators, especially when it comes to matters of the heart and bedroom and sex and all those things. So, sometimes people's feelings get hurt, someone might catch feelings and you didn't. So, just know that you might be fine with it, but the other person might not be. And then also, not everybody has the same beliefs around casual sex. People are judgmental. Maybe those won't be your friends if they're going to judge you for sleeping with someone, but just be mindful that people like to make judgments and that, oh, you're sleeping with everyone in their friend group, right?

That could be a thing. But again, you find your people and maybe your people will be like, yeah, sleep with whoever, we don't care, we all wanna be friends and it's all cool. That's the world that I'd like to live in where we're not judging people for their sexual choices but I think the more you are yourself and the more you communicate in a healthy way you are

going to find your people. You're gonna find your friends, you're gonna find your guys and your lovers, Ali. You'll be fine just keep communicating and being honest and knowing yourself. This is from Mike 31 Chicago. Dear Dr. Emily, I'm just getting out of a nearly six- year relationship and I want to sexually explore with new partners. I am willing to put in the time and effort to create trust and comfortability with new partners but I don't want to be in a serious romantic relationship. How can I express this to potential partners without coming across as shallow?

Is this something I should be upfront about right away? I don't want to give people the wrong impression by being too forward about sex, but I also don't want to set the wrong expectations. For extra context, I'm a cis hetero male looking for sexual relationships with women. Thank you and I love the show. Alright, Mike, this is such a great question. And let me clarify here. It's not shallow to want to be sexual, but not committed. That is what I touched on in the top of the show about like the hookup culture and there is this stigma that if you want to be casual it can't be meaningful and it's

just not true. So let them know when you're dating that you recently kind of have a relationship that you're not looking for anything romantically serious now but you're interested to get to know them and have fun with partners in a more casual, sexual way. You know, it's the same exact thing that you explained to me just now in writing. I would explain that to the partners. And I promise you will find people in the same boat as you. So if you're upfront with your expectations and intentions with dating right now, it'll

be a lot easier for you to find like-minded people. And I'm sure that you will. Alright, this is from Heather. Hey Dr. Emily, an ex from about 14 years ago recently requested me on social media. We started messaging and I found out he wanted to hook up. He wanted to come over to my place and wouldn't give me his number. In the conversation he asked what I wanted from him, what do I expect and where do I want to go? Just not sure if I should pursue this. I need your help. Oh Heather, I think our exes are exes for a reason many times and the fact that he's not giving you

his number and he's making these demands on you. Why did this relationship end? Was he controlling? Was he not allowing you to feel your feelings? Was he not there for you in certain ways? Because listen, I've been there, Heather. I have had euphoric recall, gotten back to exes. I just remember all the great things and not the bad things. It's not the reasons why we broke up. But please think long and hard.

Why did you break up with this person? What were your feelings for him? Now that we've cleared that, maybe the sex was amazing 14 years ago and you're like, you know what, Daphne, generally, I just want to have sex with him and I can do that without strings attached. Well then go for it. If it's just about sex, but his actions here, I'm questioning his actions. He's not giving you his phone number. He wants to go to your house. I wouldn't want my ex to show up and not give you his number. Like I don't know that anyone would, to be honest, Heather, so no, it seems odd to me.

But listen, why don't we shift this a little bit? Why don't you meet him for coffee outside of your house, get his phone number and meet up with him in a neutral place, share your location with somebody and meet up with him. That's what I recommend here. Who knows, maybe you'll find that he is the love that got away. But let's what I recommend here. Who knows, maybe you'll find that he is the love that got away.

But let's put some boundaries here. All right, Heather, that's what I'm missing here is you setting your own boundaries in this situation. All right, thanks for your email. Be safe. This is from Simone27. Hi, Dr. Emily. This guy I know from school and I recently been on a date

to get to know each other better. Then the week after that, he invited me to a show he was playing. After the show we went out for some drinks, dancing, and one thing led to another, we went home together and had penetrative and oral sex. When he initiated the sex, I was hesitant because I've struggled a lot in the past with the emotional repercussions of hookups and had been through a lot of therapy to try and break this pattern, but I went through with hooking up with him anyway. The sex wasn't that great and I do not want to have sex with him again.

It's been 24 hours since and I'm struggling with feeling hurt, regret, and shame about my decision to have sex with him. I'll still see this person around school for the next year too. How can I start to pass these feelings and make peace with myself? Simone, thank you so much for your email and I'm sorry that you're feeling a shame over after you hooked up with them. Shameovers are the worst and I don't want this for you either. I love the recognition over your own internal patterns and you've done a lot of work around it to realize how they affect you. I think it's also important to look at your intentions and what you are

looking for now. Like, are you looking for a more committed relationship right now? Have you been in a committed relationship in the past? What was that like for you? What have you learned from your past relationships to know what you're looking for in the future? Because the more you can say like, I am looking for a relationship and for me to get to know the person, you know, I'm going to really relationship and for me to get to know the person, I'm gonna really make sure that I go out with them a few times, like you could have, people have rules like three day rules and five day rules.

I don't ever declare what anyone else should do. You get to decide for yourself, but maybe for you, what you need to know is that this is going to be maybe more exclusive or you wanna feel safer with this person. What have you learned from your past relationships or hookups that didn't work that will help you figure out what you need moving forward?

Because maybe it's just these ones that are sort of, that sort of just happen when you don't expect it so you feel sort of unprepared. That's one thing. The other thing I'm curious about your upbringing if there's any part about sex and shame like if you ever told it's not okay to be sexual or wait till you're committed. Sometimes those messages are really loud in our head and you might be shaming yourself for that. The other

thing I want to say is that casual sex can be so empowering and it takes a flip of the way we think about sex. I wish that I knew in college when it wasn't modeled or accepted to have casual sex that one of the reasons was because I didn't want the judgment. And I remember thinking I wouldn't want a guy to walk around saying, oh, I just had sex with Emily. This is before I even had the show, but they were saying, oh, I just had sex with Emily. This is before I even had the show, but they were saying, oh, I just had sex with Emily, and they would talk about me to their friends. And that seemed horrifying to me to have that

gossip. But what I wish I knew is that I could have said, well, yeah, I had sex with him and I enjoyed it. And it was empowering and it felt good. And I got my needs met. And it was exactly what I needed and wanted. And I treated this person well so they can have their story. And here's my story. And I'm not saying that you should go out and sleep with somebody right now and try this again. I'm just saying maybe you could reframe the ways that you think about sex as an experience for you

that is empowering and satisfying and you getting your needs met. And so I'm wondering like, could you think about sex that way? Because it's such a, we all deserve to get our needs met during sex. And so thinking about what kind of sex you're looking for now, I know that you just had this pattern where casual sex isn't working with your current goals, but what kind of relationship would you like right now? And what does that sex look like?

Really think about what would be a satisfying sexual scenario for you at this time. And practice some self-acceptance right now for the decision to sleep with this person and not be so hard on yourself, which is easier said than done. But I'd love you to say, okay, I learned from this experience. Now everything I've learned about casual sex on this show and what I've learned from my feelings, I'm gonna try to make

some decisions that align closer to my values going forward. Alright Simone, thank you so much for your question. I appreciate you. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good

email. So sign up on SexWithEmily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or just go to SexWithEmily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com.