Sex With Emily - Best Of: What Turns You On?

Episode Date: July 7, 2023

When it comes to turn ons, we’ve all got our preferences. Maybe you love a deep, sexy voice. Maybe a wicked sense of humor. But there are five sexual arousal styles that apply to most people: you can think of them as the five love languages for sexual excitement. They are: conversation, visuals, touch, play or physical adventure. In this popular Best Of episode, I break down the five styles and how to identify your top one. I share tips for harnessing your arousal, with date ideas and behaviors to spark your sexual curiosity. I also help you understand the key difference between arousal and desire, and take your arousal questions, including: what do you do when medication is numbing your genitals? And when you’re more excited for solo sex than partnered sex – is that a problem?Show Notes:Morgasm CBD Arousal Lubricant (code EMILY for 15% OFF sitewide)ORDER MY NEW BOOK! Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureArticle: These Are The 5 Arousal Styles. Which One Are You?Sex With Emily: HomeMore Sex With Emily: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A lot of us experience the spontaneous desire at the beginning of a relationship, the honeymoon phase, everything is new and exciting and every time you see a partner you can't wait to rip their clothes off. But for many of us responsive desire is what we sort of settle into and that happens in a relationship over time or just in our lives over time and in no way again means you are not attracted to your partner. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure

and liberate the conversation around sex. Do you know your rousal style? Well, by the end of today's episode, you'll have a better understanding of what you require to get your brain and body onboard for better sex. Enjoy this episode! In today's episode, we're looking at a sexy but often misunderstood aspect of this sexual experience. Arousal. And specifically, the elements that get you aroused for sex.

The reason I say it's misunderstood, though, is because we have a tendency to conflate a rousal with desire. Now, the tool related, but there's a crucial difference. Desire is a psychological wanting. It's the space between this person is sexually appealing to me and will we have sex? In other words, desire always entails a psychological gap between yearning and satisfaction. To desire anything, be it a person or a piece of chocolate cake, there's always a beat between the wanting and the satisfaction. So like if our mouths were full of chocolate cake all the time, we wouldn't desire it. So the space between the yearning and the wondering if I'll actually have sex, sex is eating chocolate cake, well that constitutes

desire. Now, desire is about motivation, but arousal is about preparation. Desire moves you to act, right? Arousal is your body getting you ready for whatever appealing thing is about preparation. Desire moves you to act, right? A rousal is your body getting you ready for whatever appealing thing is about to happen. Sex, eating something delicious. So a rousal is the physical manifestation of your desire. It signifies all the physical signs happening in your body when you're turned on. So for example, for me, that looks like my breath is quickening, my heart speeding up, I'm feeling my blood flow to various erroneous zones, then those zones are becoming more sensitive. And yes, those zones, of course, include genitals. So we know that a rousal is a bodily experience. So like for example, going back to our cake

example, you know, if you're craving cake, you're going to start to feel saliva in your mouth just thinking about the cake, right? So with the rousal, my body is having a experience in preparation for this X. So the more tapped in you are to your bodily cues, you can then start to connect the dots between those sensations and what's happening externally in the moment. And that is very key information because it tells you, oh, so it's this kind of situation that turns me on. And you can apply that knowledge to your future sexual encounters.

But I want to kick things off today by sharing five arousal styles with you. Now listen, real talk, if you type arousal styles into Google, you'll get several articles from several sites, including mine, that tell you what the arousal styles are. And please know that these are all approximations, kind of like love languages. You mean, there's utility in them, them though because once you hear about a style that resonates with you, you can say to yourself, oh yeah, that tracks. I'm gonna corporate those experiences into my next date or the next time with my partner and I want to get a rouse for sex. So let's take a look at five arousal styles that I find are pretty common.

Before we continue, we're gonna take a quick break for our wonderful sponsors who help keep the Sex with Emily podcast free. First, this episode is brought to you by Morgasm, which is really the perfect product for an episode all about arousal and desire. So Morgasm has this CBD-infused arousal loop. It is water-based, 100% hypogenic and oil-free. So what it does is, it gets your genitals on board for sex. So really, you just have to worry about getting your brain turned on. So you rub it on for sex, and you get the increased blood flow from the CBD, plus

it has natural ingredients like l-arginine, which also increased blood flow from the CBD, plus it has natural ingredients like l-arginine, which also increases blood flow, which you know will help with orgasm. In addition, it reduces inflammation and basically stimulates the body to increase arousal and provide for longer and more intense orgasms. Oh, this CBD will also promote muscle relaxation, which helps to reduce pain, discomfort, which many of us have during sex. Let's be honest, I love this. And I love using orgasm to heighten all sensations during sex.

It's just another fun, pre-sex, pre-playing around with your partner, ritual. You can get 15% off more gasm-lood if you use the code Emily at morgasm.com slash sex with Emily or just click the link in our show notes. Stay turned on because when we're back I'm breaking down the five different arousal styles. So here's some arousal types. The first one is through conversation. So if this is you, you may love talking, relating, laughing together, and creating an emotional connection as you're leading to sex. This, it's important for you to feel safe and relaxed, like there's been a sufficient

time to catch up with your partner before any touching occurs. And that is the conversation progresses. Maybe there's some moments of sustained eye contact, a moment of giggling together, a moment of relating, and then you start to feel connected and maybe get your literal juices flowing. And I can relate to this one because with my partner, I know we've had a week gone by or a few days even gone by where we haven't really connected. You know, I have a lot to tell him about work and he's got stuff to catch me up on and we just haven't talked. It's really hard for me to get into a sexual space. I want to be like, let's ground in the last few days and catch each other up. And then I find myself more turned out. And just, no, I'm going to go through these. You might find yourself in a few of these. There might be a few of these

are going to help you figure out what you need to get truly aroused. All right. The next one is through touch. Maybe you want to hug, you want to brush your partner's arm, you want to hold hands, you really crave skin contact as you get ready for sex to be turned on. You know, you're not physically standoffish at all. You crave it, you require it. It is the tactile connection between the two of you that causes your heart to pound due to get a rouse and feel the most connected to your partner.

And looking at this, I need some of this as well. I usually might be having the conversations about our week and our days, what's going on, while also touching or sitting on a partner's lap. So I like touch as well. What's interesting to look at here is to say that maybe there's been an absence of this. Maybe you haven't caught up with your partner lately.

There isn't a lot of touch. And your partner doesn't really want to touch that much. And you might find yourself feeling like, oh, I really am craving some kind of connection. And then you're realizing, oh, yeah, we're not touching. So what I'm hoping is this clues you into the requirements that might need to be present for you to feel turned on aroused and in the move. The other one is through visuals. You get really turned on by what you see. Now, that could be your partner looking really sexy. It could be your own reflection looking sexy.

It could be a really vivid fantasy about something that's happened in the past, whether it be a partner, something that's happened in the past in your life, something that you want to happen in the future. So, you may not be a bad candidate for using any sexy media for a rousal. Symmethical porn, you might need to see some visuals that will get you turned on. And this is within reason, of course, but if you get turned on by visuals, you know, media could be an effective arousal runway as my friend and sex educator Ian Kernner puts it.

There's like a runway that we need to get ready for sex. And so what I'm saying here is that for a lot of us who are feeling like, why aren't I turned on and it's frustrating, I'm trying to give you some tools here so you can find that place that you need to be so you start to escalate your runway so you can feel ready for any kind of sex. Another one is through play. So this might mean you're down to role play, you're down for kink, you're down to be super exploratory. You have a really, really playful spirit leading up to sex.

And with a vibe of like, I can't wait to try this for you. You know, you were the first to download our guest new Maybeless. You love showing your partner clips that you've seen in porn or that you've just thought about sharing scenarios with them that you want to enact or play out in the bedroom. So you're highly imaginative, connected to fantasy, and people get turned on by place, thrive in this area. You know, their partners open new experiences well, that really helps.

And this is like in and out of the bedroom. Like you might be someone who just loves to play. You're the one who's like, let's play Shraids. Let's play all play a game together. You know, when there's a party, you might also be someone in the bedroom who really likes this element of play. Okay, the next is through physical adventure. Maybe you can turn down by doing something

really heart pounding with your partner. Then this could also be working out, hiking, getting super into your body, watching your partner get into theirs. But it's you both feel vital and really, really alive doing physical activity, which also releases all those feel good chemicals in your body, which prompt you to feel more sexual. So you can leverage your body's physical rousal for intimacy. So again, this might be you. Hopefully it's you and your partner would make it a lot easier. But if it is you, you can bring your partner

into this and say, Hey, maybe we should go to hike tonight. Let's go work out together. So these might be the things that lead you towards a rousal. All right. So those are some of the arousal types. So now at this point, you might be wondering, like, how do I take these arousal types and apply it to an IRL situation? You know, maybe you heard these arousal types and you're going like, oh, that's me, I know that's me,

which is what my hope for this show. And maybe if you're like your combo of two or three, like again, that's really, really common. And the truth is why it's important to recognize this is we might create one type of browser one day and a different one the next day. Like I know that sometimes I really want to talk, talk, talk to my partner on how to date, and how to do a week. And let's talk about our life plans and our goals and you know, what we're going to do tomorrow. And then sometimes I'm like, I do not wanna talk, let's just touch. Let's give each other some messages.

Can you massage my neck? I'll massage your back for a few minutes and that's what I really need to feel aroused. So I just want you to be thinking about that as we headed to some ways to apply this to your sex life. So here's some examples and tips for what you can do to satisfy each arousal type. Okay, so conversation was the one that really resonated. Here I recommend like a sit-down date without a ton outside distractions, a place where the two of you can kind of sink in,

you can catch up, you can focus on each other, you can talk about your days, your weeks, your plans. You know, I love doing this with my partner, we talk about like, let's brainstorm what our perfect future looks like. Our great vocation would look like. You know, you're asking questions, you're leading with curiosity, you're sharing really thoughtful responses,

you're thinking about the answers. I mean, think about like a relationship brainstorming away too. These are always to help you if you lean more towards conversation, feel more connected to your partner and help them feel more connected to you. So if you want to know where it's start, you could say like, I want to hear about your day. And then you might say, oh, I've got some ideas of what we could do after this. I want to hear what you're in the mood for. So that could, you know, after you guys are talking and downloading about your day or your week,

then you could say, hey, that's what we could do tonight, or here's what I've been thinking about sexually. So it's all tied into the conversation arousal style. All right, for touch. Now, this might seem obvious, touch, duh, but it's the way that the touch happens. That's really important here.

And I recommend the kind of types that creates a little sexual tension, starting off with something a little bit neutral or sweet like hugs, touch on the shoulder. And as you start to read your partner's body language, you can offer more suggestive touches, like a kiss on the neck, touching their thigh, something a little unexpected and yet still really arousing, sort of touching on the second

dairy Roger Nessons, like inner elbow, neck, maybe a foot massage. So those are some places for touch. Visuals. All right. For this arousal type, it goes a long way to pay a compliment. Something simple, but really sincere. Like, God, you look super hot in that outfit.

I love what you're wearing. You know, you might need to hear that from your partner. Maybe your partner needs to hear that from you once you figure out which arousal style you both have. You could also hear share of visual fancy with your partner like, I love picturing you in bed and top of me, you know, what your hands are tied or my hands are tied. And this is how the scenario goes down. And you know, just being really descriptive to sort of fuel that arousal.

And the way I'm talking about is for either one of you. Maybe you both are visual, maybe you're visual, they're visual. So you get what I'm saying here. You kind of adopt this towards either one of you sharing these kind of visual experiences, being really descriptive or touch, or whether it's words.

So I think this is a really fun episode to listen to with your partner. You know what I'm saying? I recommend that right now. As we get into play, this is the partner or you who may want to shake things up, but something a little bit out of the ordinary. For example, I've got a dear friend who plays sexy, stranger with her husband. And one night, they met at a bar as if they were randos.

They'd never met before. And at first, I'm telling you, she was like, I'm not showing up with a bar, where my husband's 20 years, I'm gonna pretend I'm someone else. But here's the thing, it totally worked out. And not only that, they met at the bar, and he put on a British accent.

And she was like, oh my God, it was so hot. And then he was like somebody else, the different accent. So it totally worked. They showed up as they're alter egos, with different names, and it was really hot. So like that's the kind of playfulness and collaboration that helped them have the best sex they'd had in years for physical adventure.

Now this and Rosaltype is all about that heart pounding activity. So it's more about planning situations where you two can be active together. But you just have to always be something super athletic. You can't always be like jumping out of airplanes, right? But it could be a walk around the neighborhood, just moving your bodies together. Now at summertime, it could be a swim, something water-related. I mean,

don't think it has to be like, you have to go run an ultramarathon, you know, just to have sex. The basic idea is we're getting our hearts pumping, we're moving, we're getting that adrenaline going. That is a key to this arousal type. All right, so now you know the difference, the help between desire and arousal, you understand this. And what some of the common arousal types are and tips for applying these types to real life scenarios. I hope that helped you think about where you need to be and how you can get turned on. Because that is the most common question I get asked when I have a two-by-labelado

why don't I turn off my partner anymore why aren't I in the mood? So if you could think about your Rosalstyle identified here, I really think it's gonna help you up your connection with your partner and your connection with yourself. All right, let's take a short break and get into your questions.

This is from Elaine 31 in California. Hi, Dr. Emily. My fiance and I are very happy together, but we're in this period of our life where we're figuring out our lives. Housing, if we want kids, planning a wedding, we're getting married and are happy together, but when we disagree on issues like priorities or finances, it makes me not wanna have sex with them. I don't think I'm withholding it out of anger.

I designately don't wanna have sex with someone I disagree with. Any advice? I feel like it's a feedback loop I can't escape. The more we don't have sex, the less I want to have it, and the more frustrated I am with him about our conflicts. Still don't want to have sex. So thank you for your show.

I'm so grateful for a space in which we can talk about complex issues you're the best. Alright, so let me just normalize something here that when couples are going through a stressful time planning a wedding, answering huge live questions, it makes sense that you're going to want sex less often. This is a period of transition and change. So the other thing though is even it wasn't transition and change, what you're saying is when you are feeling conflict with your partner, it is really hard for you to get a rouse and turn on. That is also really, really common. Some people get fueled by this kind of thing. They're like, I love when there's conflict in my relationship,

and that gets me really, really turned on. In fact, it gets me more attracted to my partner. See? So we're all different. We are all different, but what I love is that you're recognizing book gets in the way of your you're all different, but what I love is that you're recognizing what gets in the way of your desire for sex and your arousal. So either you can do some conflict management, you can go to therapy with your partner and figure out how to really resolve these issues and learn how to communicate. By the way, I think every couple could benefit from some excellent therapy where they learn how to communicate and they learn how to get through tough issues like this because you know, there's always going to be conflicts in your relationship.

There's always going to be times you're going to disagree on parenting or where to go for dinner. So if you can find a way so you can sort of alleviate pressure during those moments and not exacerbate them so you can still maintain your intimacy and connection. That would be amazing. I highly recommend that before you walk down the aisle. And just remember this, that sex begets sex. So the more sex you're having, the more sex you're going to want to have. And you're saying, gosh, well, why we don't even want to have sex than the less sex I have, the less sex I want. But sometimes intimacy begets more intimacy, which can also lead to

sex. So maybe you're not wanting the sex as much, but sometimes intimacy gets more intimacy which can also lead to sex. So maybe you're not wanting the sex as much, but you still might need some intimacy with him. Are you holding hands? Are you connecting in other ways? You know, and it's also important to like this show we're talking about a rouse. Do you know what you need to get a rouse and feel connected with your partner? Because maybe if you're struggling through all these conflicts and there's problems happening in the relationship with communication, you can think about your arousal style and say,

well, maybe we just need to go take an exercise class together at the gym. Or maybe I really need a massage right now from him, and that would make me feel more connected. So there's ways to counterbalance the tension you're feeling by communication with figuring out the ways that you're really going to get a rouse turned on and feel connected to your partner. This is from Preel20 in India. Hey Dr. Emily, from the past year I noticed some weird changes to be. Sex

doesn't excite me anymore. I try to run stories, podcasts, porn. None of this work for me, but when I masturbate, it makes me feel much more pleasurable, much more excited as compared to having sex. I want to feel excited towards sex again, and able to enjoy it. What should I do? Also, not to forget I've been single for the last two years. I could really use some help.

Thank you. So I'm gonna assume that when you say sex, you mean partnered sex. And the fact that you're currently single, I'm going to assume that maybe you're having casual sex right now, but you are feeling much more satisfied by your masturbation practices. And in fact, the case makes sense. Makes sense? A lot of people feel their best sex happens to people they know well and they feel safe with and they trust. And if you're just, you know, having some casual sex right now,

you might not be in that situation where there is something that you feel safe with, so that means that you are much more connected to your own solo sex routine. So it sounds like you're, you know, you think there's a problem here, but really there is no problem. I love that you're exploring yourself through masturbation. And I do believe that when the time comes for you to a partner again that you are into,

you're going to know your body more, you're going to know what feels good, you're going to know what turned you on, you're going to be able to communicate that to a partner and I do think that when you meet the next person that you're connected to, you will start to have great sex that you crave again deeply. So it's okay to be in a period of time where you're not craving partner sex. Totally fine. You're masturbating, you're having fun, you're having orgasms, you're exploring your body on your terms, you're learning your body.

I think this is fantastic. And so if you're not having as much pleasure in orgasms during a more casual sex experience in the same way as masturbation, totally fine. I think that you are in the right place. There's no problems here. Keep doing you and keep cultivating, moving, and understanding your own sexual energy. But as a guy, when you do get into a relationship or a connection with a partner, it's going to be that much more elevated intense,

and I definitely think you're going to crave it. And there's not a problem here. This is from Amy 28 in New York. Hi Dr. Emily, conceptual traction and romantic slash emotional traction be different is having responsive desire slash a rousal, a lack of attraction. All right, let's break this down. I don't think we can talk about this enough because it's very, very confusing. I think for many people to talk about the difference between desire and a rousal. So desire is the mental part. It's like, do I want sex?

Do I not want sex? It's what we often refer to as libido or sex drive. So having a response of desire, which is really, really common, meaning like you need some things to go down first before you feel desire for your partner. Maybe you need the house to be clean. Maybe you need your partner to compliment you. Maybe you need the house to be clean, maybe you need your partner to compliment you,

maybe you need to make sure that everything in the new environment is cleaned up and organized, and you're in a, if you've showered, and you feel like all these things come into place, and then you can feel that you are able to respond and have more desire to a situation. That is more common than spontaneous desire where you just boom, I am a rouse, I am turned on, I'm ready for sex. A lot of us experience spontaneous

desire at the beginning of a relationship, the honeymoon phase, everything's new and exciting and every time you see a partner, you can't wait to rip their clothes off. But for many of us responsive desire is what we sort of settle into and that happens in a relationship over time or just in our lives over time And in no way again means you are not attracted to your partner at all I think what you're asking is is there like a romantic sexual attraction? It can just be emotionally attracted to my partner What I'm hearing you say is like oh, I love my partner as a friend. They're really good on paper

But I don't feel any sexual attracted to them. I'm not sure if that's what you're asking me. But, you know, these things sort of ebb and flow in relationships. And only you know if you can turn this kind of connection to your partner into a more sexual or romantic one. It's worthwhile noting that in relationship, they can change over time depending on where you are in the relationship. Maybe you're going through a really stressed out period, maybe your partner's really stressed out, but there are no absolutes here. Like I don't think that right now,

if you're in a particular period of transition or something's going on in a relationship that you just say, that's it, I am no longer attracted to my partner, I only feel an emotional connection, not a sexual attraction to them, but it varies over time. So again, if we're going through a stressful period or we're having some disagreements with our partner, we're feeling like we are no longer connecting.

Maybe there's resentments. Your partner is telling that really pissed you off and you're like, I don't even feel like I'm sexual and I want a connection to my partner. So I feel like these are the kind of things why I think it's so important to learn to communicate with your partner. Maybe go to therapy and understand the ways that you guys connect so these things don't fester. Because when resentment starts to build a relationship,

you know, your partner is something that kind of upset you or pissed you off, it can be hard to feel attracted to them because they just build up. So the more we can kind of learn to talk about when problems arise and defuse them, we can get back to more of the sexual romantic attraction. And just to reiterate, there are different kinds of attraction.

There's like a sexual attraction, which that's desired to be really sexual with your partner. Maybe you want to kiss them, or you want to have sex with them. And then there's like a romantic attraction, and sometimes the romantic attraction leads to a more sexual attraction, but that's what we want to be really intimate with our partner in the context of a relationship. And that can be a long-term, or short-term in nature where we feel this romantic attraction, but all of these sort of cross over. Sometimes we just want to be physical with someone, or we have an emotional connection. And it's not so romantic.

So all of these things exist. We have to figure out in the context of being with a particular partner which ones are present and which ones are not. Just know that relationships go through all of these stages and the more present you are, the stronger communication skills you have, the more willing you are to be vulnerable in the relationship and kind of share. Like right now I'm feeling more emotionally connected to you than I am sexually attracted to you and I'm not sure why. Maybe we need a little bit of time alone together, just the two of us. We need to go on a vacation. So the reason why I'm giving you all these contacts in this episode, like how do you get aroused? How are you feeling more attracted to your partner? I'm offering you just a bunch of tools to think about your relationship. So you kind of break through all the cobwebs in your mind

that are getting you confused about like, do I like this part? This isn't our, they're just a friend or someone I want to be romantic with. So these are simply tools to get you thinking. So again, there's no absolutes. A lot of these are not science. It's not like, you know, we measured the brain wave patterns of people and they just felt romantic. They just felt sexual. It's more like for you to think about, where am I at in this relationship, what areas I want to work on, is this person someone that I could feel sexual about again or not? Just some fuel for thought here. This is from Meekin 19 and Boston. Hey Dr. Emily, I've been in a relationship with this amazing guy for two neph ears. He'll do anything to please me and end outside the bedroom. The thing is, I've never had an orgasm.

I tried masturbating and can't even get close to climax in sex or while attempting to masturbate. My heart rate doesn't even go up. Since taking an SSRI, so low for a few years, I don't even get that tingly sensation in my clip. The one thing that doesn't seem to be wrong in terms of my sexual dysfunction is that I am able to get wet, but I don't feel turned on no matter what I try.

It's like my body is ready for sex, but I have no desire. Even when I am wet, I just don't feel anything. I touch my body in all different ways, my clitoris, my vulva. It's just overly sensitive and just doesn't feel good to the point where it actually hurts. I try fingering myself, nothing works. I have numbness down there there even when I'm wet. When I'm having sex, there's just not physical changes, like faster breathing than people talk about.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I plan on trying a sex toy, but I don't see how that will feel good if I have zero pleasure. I do anything to have the arousal and desire sensation back, but I have a feeling that this sexual dysfunction won't go away even though I've started taking off my medication before I started SSRIs. I got horny, but never felt the desire to touch myself. Now, I never even get horny after four play.

What can I do? Is this problem of normal for someone so young do you have any advice? All right, make up. Thanks so much for your question. So I'm really glad you wrote in and here's the thing. There's a lot of different things that could be happening here. And since I'm not seeing you in person and we're not talking, it's really hard to know. But first, it

sounds like that even before you went on SSRIs, you were not having a lot of turn-ons or sensations ever. And then you also mentioned that you have some pain. And I'm wondering if there's anything going on with your vagina or internally or externally. Like how bad is the pain? Does it ever hurt during penetration? Does it hurt during touch? Could there be some kind of like vaginism? Is this, could there be some kind of just pain happening, some overactive nerve endings? Maybe I would send you to a pelvic floor physical therapist to kind of take a

look and see what is really going on inside. Sometimes people just kind of have an overgrowth of nerve endings. When they're born, some people have gone through some kind of trauma. You might not even remember that's caused you to tense and cause you to constrict your body. So you're not feeling as much. I'm not sure why you don't have a lot of sensation. Now, certainly being on an SSRI, which are antidepressants, you know, like Zoloft could have an impact on that, but a lot of times the side effects from SSRI's do subside over time, and typically they don't often leave it so you can't feel anything. So I'm just wondering if it's SSRI's, if it's some pre-existing pain, if

there's been a little bit of trauma, either physical or emotional trauma, I'm not sure what's going on here or if you're just anxious and you're worried and you're like, I'm not feeling anything, why aren't I feeling anything? And you're so inside of your head that I need you to step out of your head for a little bit and go into your body and start to do some exploring, some mindful masturbation, some time of just breathing and focusing on your body and exploring what feels good. I mean, you're 19 years old, you're really young, you're really just starting out now

in this exploration journey. K. Yvonne and Orgasm, I didn't have one till I was 25 years old, a lot of fellow owners don't have them until they're 20s even. So I want you to take the pressure and the judgment off yourself and take time to explore. What does it feel like to have hands on your body? You know, without the goal of orgasm,

the goal is exploration. Look at your secondary riding in your zones, you know? Like your neck, your inner elbow, your inner thighs, your outer thighs touching your stomach and just moving your hands over your body. What feel good? Notice. Do some deep breathing.

Now, getting a toy is also a great tool in exploring your body. Love some great, literal vibrators. Maybe you're not having a lot of blood flow to your clitoris. Maybe there are some other things happening with the medication and playing with a toy might help you start to realize Oh, I can have feeling I do have sensations in my body You know, and I think that it will help you kind of get out of your head and break out of these negative thoughts and beliefs And open up your mind to the possibility of more pleasure and more orgasms just because it hasn't happened yet

Doesn't mean that it's not going to happen in the future. This is why I love a mindfulness practice like breath work, meditation. God, breath work is so important when it comes to mutual masturbation or any kind of sex really. What I've found is having a really strong breath practice gets me out of my head and into my body. And it sounds like you just might need to foster a really good mind body connection so you can connect both those areas and start to feel your sensations so you're just not in your head, worrying so much. Now if the medication also is impacting your ability, definitely talk to your doctor by it.

Nobody should ever start tapering off medication without talking to a doctor. But if you're feeling like these medications really are responsible for the reasons why you're not having as much sensations and talk to your doctor, see what your doctor can do to kind of help you find another solution that could allow you to feel less depressed, less anxious, and at the same time embodied and in touch with what you're feeling all over your body. Because you deserve pleasure. We all do. Thanks for your question, Mika.

That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where ever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at SexWithEmily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwitheml.com