Sex With Emily - Break Out Of Your Breakup Blues

Episode Date: July 26, 2024

Breakups. They can be a painful experience. Trust me, I know. After spending time considering your partner to be such an important aspect of your life, losing them can be like a mini-death. If you have decided your relationship is over and are struggling to know what to do next, this episode is for you. I give my top tips for how to cope and answer all your questions. In this episode you’ll learn: How to cope with a breakup  Tips for giving better oral sex  Tools for communicating your needs Show Notes: SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Try the LELO Enigma Double Sonic Today! (Use code "SEXWITHEMILY" for 25% off your order, exclusions may apply.) Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.

I think that all of us have the potential to be great lovers, attentive lovers. It's just our conditioning, our upbringing, the shame, the trauma, all the messages that makes us boring. Because I don't think anybody wants to be boring in bed. Nobody wants to be shut down when it comes to sex. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Breakups, I know they can be painful.

Losing a partner can feel like a mini death. Maybe you were planning a future together. I get it. In this episode I give my top tips for how to cope with a breakup and just reground yourself. You will survive. So if you're struggling to move on, I believe that following even any one of these steps will help you recover. I also answer your questions with tips for giving better oral sex, how to figure out your own body for the first time perhaps, and communication tools for expressing your emotional and sexual needs. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. Just do it right now. It takes you two

seconds and it really helps get the show out to more people and more sex-positive people like you who want to have better sex. You can also find me on all social media at Sex With Emily. If you're there, I'm there. Check out my new articles, Is My Vagina Normal? and How to Have an A-Spot Orgasm. They're up on SexWithEmily.com. Also, don't forget to sign up for my emails.

You can find the link in the show notes. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. Listen, alcohol is just out in 2024. There is a rising trend of going alcohol free or being sober curious, and alcohol, the truth is it's just bad for you and can famously impair your sex life. So if you're looking for another way to unwind, relax, or just have fun, I cannot recommend Vaya's THC gummies enough. Vaya has gummies for every occasion. Whether it's to improve your sleep, I love recommend Vaya's THC gummies enough. Vaya has gummies for every occasion,

whether it's to improve your sleep, I love their sleep gummies, I take them everywhere, your mood or your focus. They even have an aphrodisiac gummy called High Love to boost my arousal levels. High Love has a unique blend of cannabinoids and aphrodisiac exotic herbs that are known for their libido enhancing effects.

So I've been using Vaya for a while now and I absolutely love them. They're a super trusted company. They use premium hemp natural ingredients and they're known for their premium indoor THCA flour. All their products are made here in the U S they got quick and discrete shipping to all 50 states. So you can all enjoy them, not to worry. And also super affordable.

So head over to VIAHEMP.com and use code EMILY at checkout to save 15% off your order. That's V-I-I-A-H-E-M-P.com. Use code EMILY at checkout for 15% off your order and let me know what you think. Urinary trapped infections are extremely common. Around one in two women and one in 20 men will get a UTI in their lifetime. Plus, once you've had one UT challenge, you're way more susceptible to another in the future. That's why you just need Just Thrive's UT123. This product can actually prevent UTIs while maintaining your urinary tract health. UT123 targets both immediate and long-term relief. We've all heard to drink cranberry juice for your urinary tract, but did you know that for the full effects you need the whole cranberry, not just juice,

but the skin, flesh, and even the seeds. Well, UT123 uses superior ingredients that utilizes the whole fruit. This supplement truly is the full package. So if you're someone who struggles with the constant urge to urinate, a burning feeling when you pee, pelvic pain, or just wanna be proactive in your urinary health,

Just Thrive is for you. Just Thrive is so confident you'll love their product that there is a hundred percent money-back guarantee on every purchase made through JustThriveHealth.com. And for a limited time, you can save 20% off site-wide at JustThriveHealth.com with promo code SEX WITH EMILY. That's JustThriveHealth.com and use code SEX WITH EMILY for 20% off your order. You're going to love it. Let's talk about how to recover and heal from a breakup. A lot of you want to know the best tips for it.

How do you move through it? I'm going to start with an email from Joshua 41 in Springfield, Oregon. Dear Emily, I broke up with my ex three years ago. We were together for over 11 years. We had great sex until I started my company. Over the years of being in business, I forgot how to be intimate with my ex. With her being gone, I'm not interested in my company succeeding anymore and I can't move on. It's been almost four years since I've seen her, but I can't seem to let go. Why is that? All right, Joshua, thanks for your question.

Well, I've got a list here of my top tips for moving through a breakup. And Joshua, you should check this list. Have you done all of these? If not, you might want to try it out. All right, the first step is to feel your feelings. We are all different. We are all different people. The way we experience loss and breakups

and the way we cope varies from person to person. But the important thing is to know how to actually allow yourself to feel and to grieve. And I just want to normalize it because we've all gone through breakups. You know that moment when you're going through a breakup, tell me if you've done this and I can tell you from experience, I've probably done it most of the times. I think I'll never get over this or I've made a mistake and this person is the best thing that's ever happened to me. You know, is the pain going to end? I want to go back to them. And so just know that's part of the process,

but just remember you broke up for a reason. And then I want you guys to acknowledge your feelings, allow yourself to grieve because a breakup is like a mini death. Even if the relationship was fraught with issues, it still can feel like a part of you is missing. Allow yourself the space and the time to cry because crying provides,

crying gives us a release that improves our mood and it helps you feel better in the long run. So if you haven't cried yet and you've just been busy distracting yourself, you're working more, you're sleeping with a bunch of people and you haven't shed the tears yet, you haven't felt the feelings, that's your first step. One more thing about feeling your feelings is that it feels like a withdrawal. Like you are withdrawing from

a drug because you're no longer getting all of those feel-good happy hormones, the endorphins, the oxytocin that you were actually getting from your partner. From being with them, from touch with them, from sex with them. So think of it this way, remember that rush you had when you were falling in love and everything was amazing? Well heartbreak sort of brings up the opposite feelings. So be patient with yourself, acknowledge it's normal to feel really bad, and I promise you it doesn't last forever.

My second step, call your friends. Hang out with your people, the people that are good for you. Avoid all those toxic energy suckers in your life. The people that make you feel worse after you hang out with them, don't hang out with those people. The people who build you up and you feel better and they support you, go towards those people. Your strong support network, friends, families, loved ones. Find those people. Let them know what you're going through because the people in our life who care about us and want to support us, they're gonna know

how to show up for you. They're not gonna say, well let's go bang a bunch of people. Let's go get wasted. I'm not talking about those people. And remember to make plans. I know that on the weekends going through a breakup, sometimes the Saturdays are hard, Sundays are the longest day ever. So get ahead of it. Get ahead of that empty time in your schedule. Make a plan with a friend or your family. Volunteering just fills you up, you guys. Really volunteer. Give back and let people know how they can help you. When it comes to these people in your life, avoid triangulation, avoid reaching out to your ex,

their friends, avoid reaching out to the mutual friends you had with your ex just so you could check up on them and everything we're doing. That's not part of the healthy community that I'm talking about. Next step is self-care. I know, I know it's that self-care thing again, but invest in your physical health.

Studies show that rejection, when we experience rejection, that actually causes you real pain, and it lights up the same part of your brain as if you broke a leg. So yes, you feel that you're in pain. The best antidote to pain is being healthy and making choices that are good for you, like getting enough sleep, eating healthy, make yourself go for a walk, release all those endorphins you need

them now more than ever. Maybe start a new workout routine. You know for me working out is always so helpful and it helps when I have an accountability partner, somebody who I'm gonna work out with you on Mondays and Wednesdays. Then I know I can't miss it. So if it's been hard for you to start a routine, find someone to help support you. And here's my big don't for this category of self-care. Don't go on the road of self-destruction, partying, drinking, overeating, chain-smoking, you know all the this is how you know. It's all the things that make you feel good in the moment and they make you feel like crap after. So everything in moderation. I'm not saying you won't go out for a few cocktails,

but just don't surround yourself with the toxic people, okay? Next thing is you've got to write it out. You just do. Write it all out. Journal. You can write about your feelings and all the good stuff, you know, that you liked, but kind of focus on the stuff that wasn't so great. A lot of times after we go out with someone we focus on the things we miss about them and that's when we put them on a pedestal and we think of this euphoric recall. We somehow forget that they were slobs or they were never on time or they cheated on us. We forget all the bad things and

we're like but they were so they made me feel so good. So instead of writing all the things you're gonna miss, take time, write down things that bothered you about your ex, including big things and little things. You know, if they weren't interested in talking about the future, and they didn't wanna commit to you, write that down. Remind yourself of these things

and why it would never have worked anyway. I cannot tell you how important this is. This is a huge step because I've seen it too many times. It's you for a recall. We do it. So write it down, remember, and then you can refer back to this list. And you're like, oh yeah, I forgot about that. The next step, cut ties with your ex. Just do it. Unfollow on social media, all the platforms, even Venmo. Okay, listen, you might've thought you removed everything and then Amanda on my team said

she forgot to unfollow on Venmo and then she saw that he paid some new woman for lingerie. It was heartbreaking. So be ruthless, get rid of your ex's stuff, remove the reminders in your house. I know you love sleeping with his old sweatshirt. I know you like the smell of her perfume in your bathroom. Trash it.

It's okay to feel okay blocking your ex on all social media and getting rid of their stuff. And please don't spend extra time scrolling their social if you didn't unfollow them, because I know that's hard to do, or following their friends' social media, playing the shoulda, woulda, coulda game, oh you coulda, no. Because this is what I want to tell you, you all want to know can I be friends with my ex, well we're just friends now.

You are not friends after a breakup. You are not. You need to take at least 30, 60, 90 days with zero contact. It's the no contact rule. I'm not gonna go back on this one. I'm telling you I'm friends with many of my exes, like very dear friends, but we didn't go from lovers to friends. We took time away when we didn't talk. And that's hard. But the more that you're able to follow these steps, though it might feel like it's harder

because you think, oh, I just want to talk to them. They were my best friend. You're just prolonging the pain. You're prolonging this period of mourning. So cut them. And no, you can't be friends with the toxic exes. The narcissist toxic exes, they're likely not going to change. Those are not the ones that are going to be your friends.

The next thing is masturbation, self-love. Take time right now to soothe yourself, find new erogenous zones, places on your body that feel good. I mean, not only is it good for you, because again, we want to try to get as many feel-good hormones as we can, and orgasms do that for us, but you'll also be in a great place when you date again,

because you'll already be sexually connected to your body and then you get to sort of detach yourself from associating sex with your ex. Because if you go right from your ex to sleeping with someone new and there's no in-between self-loving, orgasm, then you're just gonna automatically associate sex with your ex. So get a new toy, treat yourself. Now rebound sex. If you're gonna sleep with somebody right after, if you're using it for revenge, oh, I'm gonna sleep with their best friend

or just a distraction, it's probably not gonna work because you're going at it with the wrong intentions. But if you are actually curious, like I'd like a new connection with someone else. I want someone else to touch my body I want to practice all those things that you hear on the show like oh, you know in my natural relationship I'm gonna practice asking for what I want. I'm gonna practice receiving This can be transformative. I'm all for that kind of rebound sex and also if you're with someone new

It's only fair to be honest with them about hey, I I'm going through a breakup, I'm not looking for anything right now. Be clear. Be clear, be clear, be clear. So my final words on our breakup is go at your own pace. A lot of people want to know how long does it take to get over somebody, but I don't want to lock you into a timeline. And don't judge yourself for how long it's taking. As long as you're working on yourself and you're healing and you're surrounding yourself with

people who support you, you're engaging in new activities, you're going easy on yourself. We learn so much from going through pain and getting to the other side of it because we always get through it. I promise you, you will survive this pain and you'll get through it. But the more distance we get from somebody, you know, the more time that goes by, it'll be a lot easier to heal and it'll be a lot easier to feel that much stronger and that much more evolved

and have a much more, a deeper internal knowing of yourself when you get into the next relationship. So I'm sending you all lots of love if you're going through this right now. And I promise you, it only gets better. We'll be right back after a short break for our sponsors. But first, let me tell y'all about LELO. We've all heard of the G-spot,

but have you heard of the A-spot? Well, if you have a vulva, there's a whole other way to orgasm that you may not even know about. The A-spot is a neurogenic area that is at the top of your vagina between the cervix and the bladder. And it can create incredibly powerful orgasms. But how do I find the A-spot is an erogenous area that is at the top of your vagina between the cervix and the bladder, and it can create incredibly powerful orgasms.

But how do I find the A-spot? Where even is it? Well, this is why I'm so excited to tell you all about LELO's Enigma Double Sonic. This vibrator uses deep sonic technology to target pleasure directly to your A-spot. It just does the work for you. Plus, the Enigma Double Sonic can simultaneously provide stimulation to the G-spot and clitoris as well. That means you get three different orgasms for the price of one. Laylo is always coming up with new ways to innovate toys to give you completely new sensations and feelings of pleasure. They even have an app to connect your

toy via Bluetooth to orgasm hands-free. You can choose between several different modes to curate the perfect orgasm for you. We are truly living in the future. I love LELO, I've been using their products for years. They're just super trustworthy company. They make beautiful products that last for years and years to come. So pick up the Enigma Double Sonic today at LELO.com

and be sure to use my code SEX WITH EMILY for 25% off all other products. That's L-E-L-O.com and use code SEX WITH EMILY for 25% off all other products. That's LEELLO.COM and use code SEX WITH EMILY at checkout to save 25% off all other products or just click the link in the show notes. SEX WITH EMILY has launched several downloadable guides full of tips and tricks to enhance your pleasure. We covered edging 101, a tutorial on sexting, and even simple tips to have better communication. Well, I'm very excited to announce our newest guide that I created with Bathmate for penis

pumps. Now you've probably heard of a penis pump before, but did you know it's a legit wellness tool that can improve erection health and stamina? Whether it's used right before sex to help promote erection or used regularly for long-term benefits like sexual endurance, this is a worthy addition to your sexual toolkit. Learn all about the benefits, how to use them with my personal recommendations, and more in your guide to penis pumps over at SexWithEmily.com. Check it out. Check it out. Let's talk to Casey 22 in Massachusetts. Hi Casey. Thanks for calling. What's going on? Hi. I'm just calling. I'm turning 23 soon and I actually

recently got engaged which I'm very excited about. But I'm concerned that something's like wrong with me, which I know I probably shouldn't say because I've never orgasmed before by myself or with a partner. And I've looked on the internet for advice and I feel like I've kind of tried everything the internet has to offer. Right. Okay, Casey. First off, nothing wrong with you. Totally normal, typical. A lot of us don't orgasm right away. It takes a little bit of time to get to know our bodies and stuff. So you have come to the right place. So Casey, it's all good. So you looked on

the internet and what did you find? I found a lot of like, maybe it's in your mind kind of things like you're trying too hard, which sounds like me. Yeah, I get it. So I've tried to relax, um, having a few glasses of wine before. Um, and then the whole idea that you have to get used to your body before you can try to explain to somebody else what you like, which so far everything I've tried I've liked and I enjoy having sex is just I never get to that point.

Okay. Is your fiance, what does he think about it? Have you talked to him about, you know, your orgasms and pleasure and stuff like that? Yes. I think he's confused too because I don't know what it takes for me. And so I don't want to say it's an uncomfortable subject, but it's one of those things that I'll bring up and he'll be like, what can I do to fix it? And I'm like, well, I don't know.

Right. And so it's kind of a source of tension, I guess. Well, I'm so glad you're not married yet because this would be something great for you guys to tackle before you walk down the aisle. Here's the thing, Casey, it takes a little bit of time. And I hadn't had an orgasm at 23 either. And I really had to really, and I thought something was wrong with me because my friends are like kind of the same way. They're like, you've never had an orgasm, haven't you

masturbated? And I didn't even masturbate. I didn't even know to masturbate. I mean, it's really just a matter of giving yourself time to like go in your room, use some lube. Do you have lube? Oh, yes. Okay. So lube is a really important part of orgasm for many women of all ages. So using some lube and then just, because it's about going slow and sort of using a light touch.

It's not about internal, like you don't really wanna go in and start using your finger internally. It's really about touching and the clitoris and using like a light tapping or moving your finger in circles or stroking up and down your labia. All those areas are sensitive.

The tricky part is keeping your mind engaged so you're not like, is that it? Is that it? Is that it? Because that's what happens and then it's not sexy. You could listen to some audio erotica where you could hear people talking, sexy stories. He could do this with you. I mean, he could just start to slowly sit there and touch you and stroke you and look at you and just sort of just use his fingers, make sure he's got clean hands. And he just starts to, it's a really light touch because what we

learn in media is like, oh, I got to take a finger and go inside and start like, you know, sticking inside. But it's for for most vulva owners, we need a really light, sensitive touch to sort of stroking around with like fingers, like the pads of the fingers. And then also your pelvic floor. So, you know, the pea stopping muscles when you're it's those muscles like if you tense and relax those muscles? When you're, it's those muscles like, if you tense and relax those muscles sometimes when you're touching yourself, you're sort of like pumping the muscles that are responsible for orgasm. So you can kind of play with those that can also help increase arousal

by tensing and relaxing those muscles. It's really about all of your senses. So if you can light your favorite candle, engaging everything and giving yourself permission to just explore and not just get there, you will get there. And also a toy is great using a vibrator. Something like the Zoomio is a great toy for exploration. It sort of rotates.

I mean, we have so many nerve endings, so every woman's different about what makes her have an orgasm. And it's about going slow. It's like a slow touch and knowing that you have enough time. And it might take 20, 40 minutes. That's how long it takes women to have an orgasm. So it's really about patience and a buildup. And you might not feel anything the first five, 10 minutes.

It's not a quick thing. And getting out of your head like, is this it? Is this it? Because you can't do that. I'm telling you from someone who did that for years. That's probably what it is. Yeah. And breathing is important too. That's probably what it is. But I'm definitely way too in my head. Yeah. It's not clinical like that. It's not like you get it and then you're there and no one explains that to you. And I've got tons of podcasts that might help you. You

and your partner could listen together. I know that so many couples email me and say, we listen together. Or you both listen separately and then discuss it, kind of like a book club, but it's a podcast club because then you're going to start to hear these familiar messages about it takes a while to orgasm, breathing, using lube, your partner being patient. Okay. Thank you so much. Of course, Kasey.

You got to have a great night. Let's talk to Rob 49 in California. Hi, thank you so much. Of course, Kasey. You got to have a great night. Let's talk to Rob 49 in California. Hi, Rob. What's going on? Thanks for calling. Hi. Hi. I'm in the middle of ending a relationship. Okay. We've been together for five years. We lived together and it just turned out to be toxic. A lot of the traits that you had mentioned in a previous podcast, she does that to me. She gaslamps me, she flips things around. Every time I say, hey, I wanna talk about it to try to fix our problems,

it flips out to all the things I do wrong. If I have an issue or I'm stressing about something, my stress becomes something how it affects her, not like how we can help me with my problem. And then so she broke her leg and she's been sitting at home and I've been taking care of her and the whole time taking care of her, it's like anything I try to do to help, I go right, she goes right and she goes left. If I go left, she's like anything I try to do to help I go right. She goes why didn't you go left? If I go left, she's like, why didn't you go right? And it's like, so I was like, okay, you know, we got into a big argument words were said or whatever.

And I was just like, you know what? I think I'm the best thing for me to go. So I'm in the process of doing that and her mom has cancer. And now all of a sudden it's like, it's getting like she just sent me a text saying bad news and things like that now I feel like an ass because I'm leaving her with a broken leg and her mom's you know sick ill but I think it's just a head game. Yes I think you're right I mean I think you know what's going on you've been trying to leave her there will always be that thing and the sooner you cut yourself from the relationship,

she'll have to find other resources. She'll have to find friends to support her with her mother or her family. But that is not your responsibility to be her main source of care and emotional support, especially if the relationship is ending. You can still care for her, but the most caring thing you could do is to let her go. That's what I feel like is the best thing because I mean, this arguing is so bad, it's affecting her child. And I'm just like, I don't need to be here if I'm making things worse. Right.

It's like, it's really, you know... Yeah. You have to say, you have to keep your boundaries. This is something new. The reason why we kind of get caught up in these things with people is because we don't have great boundaries because we're like, oh, I owe this to them or I need to be their caretaker or I really love this person. Am I supposed to leave them mourning alone with a broken leg? But you've already put your time into this relationship and you've already made the decision. I think that leaving a toxic relationship, it's never going to be without

difficulty, without feeling like you're still tied to it, without feeling like there's something you're doing wrong. But that's probably been how you have felt this whole time in many ways. She might not hear you. You could write a letter. You could write an email. The best thing you can do is lovingly detach. You said you're still living together? Yeah. I'm going to move move out tomorrow. Oh, okay. This is like really fresh and I'm actually just driving just to clear my head. Oh, well you came to the right place. I'm glad you called. I mean it sounds like do you have a place to go so you have a plan? Does she know you're leaving tomorrow? Oh yeah, yeah. I got it

together. Like I have a place to go. I just, you know, I feel bad. I mean, I feel bad. I know. She's hitting the nerve. She is. But I also know it's a head game. Of course. It's a head game. It is a head game.

And I know it's cancer and it's her mom and that's really scary, but you know, you've been down this road before. I love that you figured this out at 49, Rob. And you will find someone, you will no longer be attracted to those types of people again, because now you have a name for it. It's just, it's no longer, but you're at the final stretch right now. You're so close and she like pulled out one more thing,

you know? And I'm really glad you're taking space right now and just driving and figuring it out because you've got to go in strong and protected and say, this is what's happening. I'm leaving tomorrow, I'm moving out. And I need you to surround yourself with people and I love you. And this is going to be healthy for both of us. I mean, there was always going to be a thing. There's always

going to be something because that's why you've stayed so long, because there's always something where she makes you feel bad. And I'm similar to that. I've been in similar situations where I do. I feel so, I feel bad. I feel guilt. I don't want to hurt someone. I think, Oh God, but we're not responsible. We really are not. We're all responsible for our own emotions and our own wellbeing. But you've certainly done the work to learn.

Like you've put in hours and time and therapy and you'll find a healthier partner for you right now. You can lovingly detach from her. Yeah. All right, thank you. Love your show. Yes, of course. Thanks, Rob. Thanks for detach from her. Yeah. Yeah. All right, thank you. Yes. Love your show. Of course. Thanks, Rob.

Thanks for calling. We got you. So if you want to send me an email, you can send one through our website or the feedback and always include your name, your age, and how you listen to the show. And I'm cool if you change your name. No worries.

Megan, 27 in Michigan writes, I decided to be open and honest with my boyfriend of four years today about wanting him to be more dominant, assertive, dirty when we have sex. We've barely had any sex the last year due to many factors, but a lot of it is how my needs are not being met. He's great, but he's boring. This ended in him not being mad, but wanting to break up due to us not being met. He's great, but he's boring. This ended in him not being mad, but wanting to break up due to us not being sexually compatible. Neither of us want that outcome. What can be done to have my needs met without making him uncomfortable? All right, Megan, that's tricky, tricky, tricky.

You got to have the sex conversation when you're both hanging out. It's not after sex. It's not in the bedroom. It's sort of outside the bedroom. And it's about, hey, let's just talk about our sex life. It's okay to have a drink, maybe you're having a dinner and just say, I want to talk about, you know, realize we haven't been having a lot of sex lately and, you know, I've realized that after four years together, I have some needs, I have some cool things I'd like to try in the bedroom. Would you be open to spanking me, talking dirty?" And I don't know if this is the first time you've told him, because the other thing is

it's been four years. You stopped having sex in the last year, and then to come out of the gate and say, we never have sex, you're boring, you're not doing enough. I might break up with you too, because you're blaming and you're shaming in a way. Not that you meant to blame and shame, but that's how you heard it because to back that up, if you've never talked about sex with your partner and then I'll guarantee you that your partner is if he's never talked about sex with you, he's probably never talked about sex with anybody. Probably didn't have sex education, probably maybe was shamed for it growing up talking about

sex so it was never welcome. And then it's kind of shameful. It's kind of embarrassing, right? We just don't talk about sex. It's how most of this world, at least definitely in America, is made up. So then you come out of the gate and you're like, we're not having sex. I need you to talk dirty. I need you to be assertive and da-da-da. And then he feels like, I'm out. I don't know how to fix this. I feel shamed. I feel awful. I want to be a great lover to you. And now I'm just like, how do I get out of this feeling horrible?

So I'm just going to bail. So if you want to make it work with him, you can sort of roll this back and say, let's just kind of go back to the basics here. What kind of sex really turns you on? What are the three most memorable time we've had sex? I can tell you my most memorable times we've had sex. Let me walk through with you, and this is not just a one-time conversation. This is an ongoing conversation that, you know,

my goal is for couples to have it all the time. And then it becomes fun once you get past the shame and the embarrassment and the him feeling inadequate and you feeling bad. That stuff goes away, you know? The problem with the sex conversation is that we all take it so personally and then it becomes an assault on our character and then we can't move past it. But imagine a world where we just talk about it

all the time, right? Like all the time. And it just becomes part of our lexicon. We're just talking about it. And so then when you bring it up, like, oh, I realized we didn't have as much sex last week and I would love to have more. It's not like an assault on his character.

I think what you're gonna find is, maybe he is a lot more interesting than you think. I think that all of us have the potential to be great lovers, to be attentive lovers. It's just our conditioning, our upbringing, our backgrounds, the shame, the trauma, all the messages that makes us boring.

Because I don't think anybody wants to be boring in bed. Nobody wants to be shut down when it comes to sex. But we don't have a lot of great role models or people doing it or examples, which is why I think a lot of you listen to this show. But what my world that I envision is that you all have these tools at your disposal without me. So starting there, let's plan out the year. Let's talk about it.

You can apologize to him if you hurt his feelings. And you could say, let's just start assuming that we're both coming from the same place. We both have the same attention. I want to be a great lover to you. You want to be a great lover to me. And let's start from there. And then you might find out that he's really into some things and you're into some things. Maybe there's some place that overlaps.

And just remember this, that if you've been telling your partner that you want him to be more dominant, assertive, and dirty, if he doesn't know how to do any of those things, he's going to say no. He's going to break up. He's going to want to leave because he doesn't know where to start. It feels awkward, embarrassing. How would he know? Maybe he grew up somewhere

where it was like not cool to be dominant. Maybe it was, you know, all this talk with me too. He's like, wait, you want me to be a gentleman, but then you want me to talk dirty to you? Is that wrong? Is that right? There's all these, it gets very, very complicated. So start to break this down carefully with each other, gently, and be kind to each other. And just say, we're both in this together. It's like our caller earlier was 23 and getting married and never had an orgasm. And our partner's like a fixer. He's like, I don't know, how can I help?

And she doesn't know. And then he doesn't know. And then we're left on our own. But you don't have to be the only one leading the charge in your sexual relationship. You both are in it together. Make it a fun project. So can we just all

assume that our partners want to be great lovers, they want to meet our needs, they want to please us, because, I mean, is that how you started out? I don't think so. And then we just get tangled up along the way in resentments. This happened and that happened and then eventually your sex life is dead. But I don't think that we want to start from that place. So start over, rebuild, start building it now. Just trust that maybe you haven't done it in a way that he could hear. That's what you gotta do. That's what I'm talking about.

This is from Jake 20 from Prague, from the Czech Republic. Dear Dr. Emily, I'm a recent listener to the show and I'm loving it. I've already learned so much and find that your show is helping me feel more confident with my sexuality. I'm a big giver and I've been it. I've already learned so much and find that your show is helping me feel more confident with my sexuality. I'm a big giver and I've been told in the past by partners I'm good at oral. However, with my current girlfriend, I don't seem to be able to do the trick.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's that she has a bigger hood over her clitoris and I don't seem to hit her clit as well. We talked about this and this seems to be the problem. For example, it took me a while to finger her because I did notice the bigger hood. It was unsure what to do. I was wondering if you have any tips

for this specific challenge and for giving better oral in general. I also want to know how I can get her to masturbate. The reason I think it's important is that she's never had an orgasm, does not know how to guide me. She's told me she's nearly orgasm with me, but then something will switch in her head and she won't get there. I thought perhaps she

would benefit from masturbating and learning what works for her on her own, but she's weirded out by the idea. All right, Jake, thank you for your question. So I love that you're in your 20s and you're asking this question. Yeah, I think you're totally right that it is important for her to masturbate. You know, I feel that everybody needs to masturbate because that's how we're gonna learn our body. Now maybe she grew up in an environment where it was shamed or they said she shouldn't masturbate and it seems it can be very intimidating. It can be a scary thing to do like where do I start? So just saying hey get in your room and

masturbate when she's never done it is tricky. So we have a ton of posts on our site about masturbation and episodes, and maybe if she just learns some beginner tips that would help her. I also recommend mutual masturbation. Perhaps you can masturbate, and then she masturbates alongside of you with you encouraging her and being there with her and her just exploring and going slow and using lots of lube. And you mentioned her larger clitoral hood. I don't see why that would actually preclude you

from being able to put a finger inside of her. But I think using a mirror, maybe getting a mirror and you both look, you know, you can kind of vulva map her if you will. Take your hands while she's lying back and you guys could use a mirror and kind of explore her body so she understands what goes on down there. It's truly amazing.

If you've never taken a mirror and looked, you're gonna realize that when you start to touch yourself slowly that it swells and sometimes the clitoral hood retracts and then you'll see the clitoris comes out and it kind of blooms like a flower because the blood starts to flow. And then you start to feel more turned on. And for many vulva owners, it starts with

slow touch, deliberate touch, with lots of lube. The mutual masturbation part is cool because then you could each, you know, again, going back to that, you could guide each other. You know, maybe you don't masturbate, but you focus on her and you kind of guide her along so she feels safe. Another thing I recommend is the Kiven method, and that's a great oral sex tip that you can find on our website at SexWithEmily.com. And essentially, it's a process of oral where you're lying perpendicular to her body. So you're lying from her like thigh to thigh. You're not like going from her head to toe, and you're taking your tongue and you're able to spread across a larger surface area. So from

thigh to thigh, you're covering more clitoral nerves that way. So you're hitting the outer labia, the inner labia, the clitoris, then the next side, the outer labia, the inner labia, you're teasing her thighs. It just gives you a little bit more access and control. And again, that's K-I-V-I-N. Check that blog on our website. It's worked for a lot of people. But I'm not really hearing that you need better oral sex tips or different oral sex tips. I'm more hearing that we have to allow your girlfriend to feel empowered and to

start to understand her own body and get over any shame or discomfort she has around masturbation. Again, the great thing is that you're in your 20s and it's never too late to start learning, but I'd say that this is a great time to start. Definitely invest in some lube. You can also try some toys, but I would just roll back, start with a mirror, start with looking, playing, and taking off the pressure. And remember, have fun with this. Have fun. You just got to breathe. Go slow and continue the healthy communication. You sound like a great guy and I feel like you're both gonna get there. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with

Emily and be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X, and Facebook. It's all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on sexwithemily.com, and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559-TALKSEX. That's 559-825-5739 or just go to SexWithEmily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at SexWithEmily.com.