Sex With Emily - Episode 304 - Why He Disappeared

Episode Date: September 30, 2011

Emily gets analyzed by dating coach Evan Marc Katz. Evan answers the top questions women have about dating: why he didn't call you back, why he disappeared, and why we date the wrong people. Evan talks about how not to be weak and needy, and how to send an amazing first message online. For nice guy listeners, Evan tells you how to take on the “strong, successful guys.” Finally, some lessons in how to date without an agenda. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I Look into his eyes They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex Eyes that block our secret institutions Betrubized they call them in a bygone way hey, Emily You got a boyfriend because my man E here. He just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute The girls got a hair stand. Oh my the women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean like laundry?

It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god. I'm so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. Okay.

Hi, you're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information about sex with Emily, you can find everything you need at sexwithemlee.com. We've got all the sex and information advice, dating, relationships, we've got our blogs, we've got our polls, we're doing it giveaways, we're doing a lot of fun things. So you want to check out sex with Emily. And thanks everyone for becoming friends with benefits. Remember, we so appreciate that and there's all that information about it on our site. I've got a special guest here today. Evan Marquettes is a dating coach extraordinaire. You are the man.

Like when I think dating coach, I think Evan Marquettes. I'd say it's nice to be number one in the field of one. No, there's others out there trying to creep in. I'm like, you know, Evan Marquettes. I tease. No, thank you very much. And it's nice. I've been doing this for eight years or something ridiculous like that now. Beats, beats working for a living. Totally. I think it'll just like you very much. And it's nice. I've been doing this for eight years or something ridiculous like that now.

Beats working for a living. Totally. I think it'll just like you. You do this long enough and you start off you're doing it because it's just something to do. And then eventually you look up and you're like, oh, I can do this. I can do this. I'm doing it.

It's a time why do people need a dating coach? What is a dating coach? I think it's just like any industry where there's a specialist. If you were on evanmarcats.com, you'd see, I'm a personal trainer for people who want to fall in love. So everybody could go to the gym and know how to use the equipment, but a lot of people go to the gym and don't get any results. So the strange thing about love and relationships and understanding the opposite sex is that

we think it's the kind of thing that should come inherently. Everybody has a love life, everybody has opinions about it, everybody gives advice about it, but if you look around, most people are not very effective or happy in healthy relationships, and so I think it's no different than learning to play guitar or get business coaching or or go. Right. People just don't think you're right, and people don't think to get a dating coach because they think, oh,'m going to figure it out. 15 years go by they're still trying to date.

It's very specific to this isn't therapy what I do. I'm not a psychologist and I'm pretend to be a psychologist. A psychologist listens and says how does that make you feel? And you'll talk for 50 minutes and you might feel better. People ask me what do I do? I say here's what you do. If you do this, this will happen. Okay, so give me a comment scenario.

Someone comes to you looking for love. Like give me what, set me up with a comment one. I'm a woman, let's say I'm a chick and I'm like, okay, I'm a chick. Let's say you're, let's say you're you. Let's take that hypothetical. Okay, okay, I needed dating coach. Hypothetically.

Hypothetically. I've got a friend, her name is Emily. Okay, so Emily, so I'll be me. Okay. I have been, I say that I'm not looking for anyone in particular, because I really don't feel that I am, because I'm obsessed with my work, and I'm kind of a workaholic,

and I always think, well, once all my work stuff gets, everything's going, and whatever, then I'll look for a man, then I'll have the time. But I know that's an excuse probably, and using work as an excuse to not find love But I feel and then I meet many nice men and they all want to date and get serious, but I'm like I can't Okay, because I'm working or I try and then I they're not right or maybe there'll be someone else or I'm busy Or I meet someone else and I go from our relationship to the next. You're a guy. I'm a dude.

Yeah, so that makes it very simple to understand you. Thank you. So I'm a guy too. We've got that coming. Right. Right. And so I think happiness is when your actions are aligned with your goals. Right.

If someone says, I'm a people person, but they get a job as a night watchman, they're not going to be that happy. They might have a job. It's better than not having a job. But what they're doing is not actually going to make them happy. So you have to ask yourself, if we're doing a spot on data control. And analyze it. Break me down. It's, it's, it's, these are choices. It's not a writer or wrong. It's an effective or ineffective. If you want to fall in love, have a family,

and again, that's an important thing. If you want kids, there's a different course of action. Exactly. Is that something that's in the car stream? It could be. Okay, because if you do want that, smart to take action at a younger age, then to say, you know what,

I'm gonna get started when all my ducks are in a row when I'm 41. Right, exactly. That's a bad time to start. Not just because of biology, but because of male preference. Because if he wants to have kids, he's gonna say, oh, I would love someone just like Emily,

if she were only 35. Right. So there's more things that are at play. Right? The kind of guy you want who wants to have kids, and I married an older woman and had, and she had a kid at age 41 she's going to be 42 in November. Wow, okay. A lot of guys not willing to take that chance.

Right. And it doesn't mean they're bad shallow. No, they're just like, the numbers, the whole thing. Very practical. All things from any equal. If I have a choice of dating someone who's 39 or 32, I'm going to choose 32. Same exact person. Right. And that's the person's amazing. So that's why when women come to me and you know majority of my clients are are women They're 35 plus and they say all right. I'm ready to take this seriously I want you to look I put my career first. I have everything right they did exactly what you're doing Right and then and then they said crap. This isn't the, I've got everything except the guy

and my life is not going to be complete for the next 40 years if I don't have that. Right, exactly. And I think we sort of give up something and it's very short term thinking rather than long term thinking. So if you or someone like you were to say, I want to prioritize my life, I'm going to keep on working, but I can't snooze on this. You'd bring someone like me aboard. And we'd start from scratch. And that's where the online dating thing comes in. It's not because online dating is the be all end all. But many people are meeting online right now.

In real life, you work in a small office with a handful of people, you're kind of past picking up strangers and bars type thing, a lot of your friends are married. It doesn't happen organically the way you'd like it to. So online dating is a great medium to create opportunity. And so then if you're going to do this, I'll write your online dating profile. I'll pay for professional photos. I'll teach you how to flirt with log into match.com and look up cute people together and I'll show you. You do all that with me. You'll teach me how to flirt. I'll show you. I mean you're probably a natural. I am. But are you right? I mean, but that's awesome that you provide that you look at people all the time. I'm like, how do I flirt? How do I?

What are and it's also understanding the opposite sex. There are people who do things that once again make sense when they're they're writing it or saying it and in practice. Oh, I know you meant this Emily, but you see how this might have come across to him. I mean, oh my God, I didn't mean it. So I try to provide. You're such a pro. You get inside. Just try to provide objective analysis.

Right. Because no one is reading your proofing your chatty flirt. Yeah. And so I just try to tell you, if you want a quality guy. Here's how quality, you know intelligent Successful relationship oriented guys think here's what's gonna be most effective right here's what you're doing and here's here Here's what's most effective you could change choose to change your actions or you can keep on doing what you're doing right I'm not gonna judge you right of course, but it's like hiring a personal trainer and saying I don't like waking up at six in the morning to go to the gym. I kind of like my fried foods.

I want to eat carbs after six. There's no point in hiring someone if you're not going to train. I'm not the trainer, right? I just stop talking. But that's the short. Yeah, that's awesome. That's really, really cool.

So we'll let you touch on online dating. I get a lot of emails from guys who are like, I don't know what to say during that first message to someone. That first online dating message, and they're like, do I tell her that she's cute? No, I'm like, no. So what would you say is a good first? You see someone online and see the profile?

What would you say? What's a good subject? I like the fact that you asked the question. And I like the fact that you asked the question the way you asked the question. Because the question is a common one, as you alluded to. But it's the wrong question. Which is, what do I say, which implies that there's this thing, there's this line, there's this one template that

if you say this to every woman, she's going to run after you and pick up her pants for you. And that's not the right way of looking at our money. Damn, okay, there's not one way, not one thing to say. Any guys telling you that, no perfect pickup line exists on the planet. Because we were talking about this before, we got on there. What do women want?

They want to be individuals. Mm-hmm. All right. Right. So if she's going to be an individual, you can't give her a can blind. Right. It inherently defeats the point of what she's looking for.

Right. This isn't about you, dude. Right. Right. Right. What is she looking for? You've got to look at her profile. You've got to read what she said.

Don't send some generic. Exactly. So think of it a typical email in which he tells you everything you already know dear Emily he knows your name is Emily you know your name exactly I read your profile you know right you know he's ready to profile I think you're really cute you know right I think we have a lot in common. You know, right? I Notice you like skiing. I also like skiing. It's it's called me to right me to doesn't win anybody over me to so born doesn't win Anybody over right so please check out my profile you know you're supposed to do that and if you like what I have to say we can need

Right we can need if you like what I have to say. Because you're saying you're up on a pedestal. Please give me a chance. Please give me a chance. I hope to hear from you soon, we can needy. So you're essentially putting someone else up on a pedestal like all of the pedestal principle. Once you put the opposite sex up on a pedestal, they're immediately looking down at you.

So you can't compliment someone in that first email. It defeats the purpose. You're trying to build attraction. And attraction doesn't come from, please, please, please, pick me. Wow. So that's what happens. Men and women write emails,

and they compliment the other person. The other person's like, ah, Jesus. But later on, you want a lot of compliments when you're in a relationship. Later. I'm sorry, this is one of my big things. At the beginning of your relationship,

you want a lot of compliments. At the beginning, it's a dance, though. At the beginning, it's a dance. You respond to the guys, oh my god. You're so No, I'm too late right even though I really don't you like a lot of compliments? You just said I like I love compliments No, not that early. Oh my god. It's a timing thing with compliments. So right now from stranger, right? So so I'm like great. You looked at my picture. Yeah, so what do you say?

But what do you say you choose the line in his or her profile. That's the most unique thing that they said. Not what you like, not what you have in common, because that's just gonna lead to a me too. Right. You like dogs? I like dogs. You're from New York?

I'm from New York. Boring. Boring. Find the thing, express your opinion or observation about it. And if your opinion or observation is more than me too, I like it too. You're gonna start a conversation. The way you start a conversation

was someone in real life. Exactly. If you bring up, if you mentioned in your profile, Costa Rica, for example, it's made up Costa Rica. I would say, all right, what's my opinion or observation about Costa Rica? I don't really know much about Costa Rica,

but I do know that every person in San Francisco or Los Angeles who does yoga ends up going on a yoga retreat in Costa Rica. That's literally all I know about Costa Rica. Exactly. It's like yoga retreat island. Right, exactly. So I would write an email to you. You know, the subject of the email would be, not, hey, hi, what's up?

Re-re-re-re email. It would be not hey hi what's up re re re email it would be it would be it would be yoga retreat island right that would be the subject of it okay right right right right and so uh... hey i see that you love taking vacation in coasterica i got to be honest i don't know anything about coasterica i've never been there before but everybody i know in San Francisco in Los Angeles who's ever gone on a yoga retreat ends up in Costa Rica. I'm picturing flying into the airport and seeing 25,000 people doing down dog at the same time.

Is it anything like that? Talk to you soon, if. Right. That's it. Right, and then you're like the one that stuck here, the other one. It's true. I think that's so true because so many of the men I've dated, it's like through the writing, through the text, through the way they would me, through the words. And so it's, you're exhibiting two characteristics with that. You're exhibiting boldness, confidence, humor. It takes balls to do something that's stupid.

You know what I mean? To really put yourself on the line and say something completely silly. To offer your opinion about her fact. You can't just give someone a fact. You like Bruce Springsteen? I like Bruce Springsteen.

So boring. But you can make, but you can say, what's the deal with Bruce Springsteen? The guy's from New Jersey, but he's got an Oklahoma accent. What part of New Jersey do they speak Oklahoma and anyway? Right. And she'd think that's funny. And she's hiding it. It's silly, but then you just start a dialogue. I got it. And this is the way people talk in real life. Right. And she'd think that's funny. But then you just start a dialogue.

And this is the way people talk in real life. Right. This is the way people actually float in real life. There's boring people too who are like, Oh, you come here often. Exactly. So if you if you express an opinion in your first email about something in the other person's profile, you're halfway there. Okay. I love it. So what about, and then what are some of the issues that come up, let's say you're on like the, like are the first date rules that you go by? Are we talking about men or women? First, let's talk to men.

Okay. Have you ever read Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People? I parts of it, yeah. Okay, it is the best dating book not written for dating. Wow, okay. I mean, I literally, on my website, there's like an about tab and on the about tab, there's a writing tab. And I've got a bibliography of all these amazing

dating and relationship books that are like are fast and fun reads. Wait, we didn't even say exactly EvanMartKatz.com that's Evan, M-A-R-C, Katz.com. It will have this on our website as well. Thank you. It's great information. Thank you.

So Dale Croningunningham had a one friends and influence people. And it was written in the 30s for like, ensuring sales people. It's really kind of total user, but right. Clunking awkwardly written. But the wisdom in it is really great. So he talks about when someone has an agenda,

they don't end up achieving their agenda. So think about it like a car salesman. Hey, Emily, what are you looking for in a car? I'm going to sell you a car today. I've got to make my quote at the end of the month. I'll give you a great deal. Everything must go. This one goes from 0 to 16, 4.5 seconds.

You've got to buy a car today. I'm not going to leave you leave the lot until you buy a car. That guy's not going to sell you a car. Why? He's trying too hard to sell you a car. So who is going to sell you the car? Emily, welcome to my car lot.

What are you looking for? What's important to you? Is it speed, performance, price, safety, looks, mileage? What are the things that you're looking for? I'll find the car that works best for your needs. OK. That's the guy who sells you the car. Because it's all about you.

It's not about him. Right. So the guy needs to make it. About her. The problem is the guys, all of us, I could flip this around and apply it. But all of us have an agenda when it comes to a first date. So let's take what are, take two guys at the extremes. What are their typical agendas? Okay. Okay. At first date, I'm a confident guy. What's

my agenda? To get laid. Good. So we're going to go fast to this. If I'm an insecure guy, what's my agenda? To get laid? No. Not to get a second date. I just want to impress you enough to get a second date. You're so smart and funny and pretty. I just don't know. He wants to get laid. He's not confident enough to worry about getting laid. He's afraid of even making him totally. He just doesn't want to screw up. Okay. Right. So if we just take those as the two paradigms of male agendas on first dates. Right. I love it. Okay. What happens when those guys pursue that agenda? The guy who wants to get laid, puts his arm around you, has another drink, what's your favorite position, and you like to do it. I've known you for five minutes. Exactly. He up. Right. He's the car salesman.

He's trying too hard. Right. The guy who wants to impress you? What does he do? He, the guy who wants to impress me, he starts asking me questions about. Well, the guy who's insecure that he's not going to get a second date. What does he do? He's like a puppy dog and he is kissing my ass and he's so impressed.

I mean, he's nervous and he's tongue tied and he stutters a little. And sometimes he does a fake yon because he's so Do you know the fake yon insecure guys do a fake yon? I see my friends have noticed I know it's very new There's guys and I think in those is that when they're nervous around a woman Your day are they doing the phone because they're so nervous. They do a fake yon got it Okay, so they might do that. So insecure guys either go to that end of the spectrum and they're like, is everything okay?

Oh my god, it's not worth it. Are you having fun? Are my doing okay? Or he hijacks the conversation and talks for two hours straight. Because he's so insecure about self. He ends up bragging about himself, but he's really insecure. Please like me, here's everything you need to know.

Here's why I'm great. Right? Either way, the guy who tries to impress, not very impressive. This is what happens when someone has an agenda on a first date. So for a guy to be a great first date, he has to put his agenda aside and focus on your agenda. Right. So then we say, what is a woman's agenda?

What does she want out of a guy? She wants a guy to show signs of chivalry, generosity, consistency, thoughtfulness, integrity, confidence. Oh, they a lot. Yes. So this is what a woman's looking for. So his job is just to do what you want. It's simple. Call it if he's talking to you on Sunday night, not texting you, talking to you on Sunday night. What are you doing next Saturday night? I know of a great top-us restaurant in your part of town. I'll pick you up at nine dress sexy. I got it. The man with the plan. He doesn't call you five minutes before. What are you doing right now? Right, he doesn't text you all week. He's got a plan. Man with a plan is hot. Man with a plan makes the reservations, tells you where, approximately

when he's picking you up, what you're going to wear, now that he's got the date with you, he doesn't disappear for like a week. Am I still going out with him, right? Right. He keeps in touch. He'll call you, he'll email you, he'll text you, he'll keep the emotional tether alive. But not too much.

Exactly, but he doesn't, he doesn't, he doesn't disappear. So you still feel connected to him during that week before the date, right? Building up trust, building up anticipation, right? He's starting to get a little excited about the date. Right. Right. Right. Building up trust, building up anticipation. Right. Right. You're starting to get a little excited about the guy. I'm excited. And yeah, he confirms the day before he shows up on time. Right. She doesn't forget his wallet dress dresses appropriately.

Shoes match the belt, whatever. Okay. Right. Polite to the waitress, matrede, let's order anything you want on the menu. Notice how to choose a glass of wine to go with this meal, ask you questions about yourself. It listens to your answers. It doesn't hijack the conversation, it tells relevant stories. And when they do the hijack.

Relevant stories. His relationship orientated, but he's not looking to get married on the date. Right. Right. Not talking negatively about exes and words. Exes are negative about work and exes is horrible. Negative about anything. Again, I'm rolling through. You negative about anything again. I'm rolling

Your job. I'm rolling. I'm rolling through this. We're almost done. All right End of the meal comes picks up the check no questions asked maybe he's already scouted the area He knows of another bar because it's only 10 o'clock on Saturday night He knows of another place to take you to nearby that you could walk to Couple rounds of drinks picks up the check no questions asked Walks you to your cab walks you home gives you a big kiss good night. I had check, no questions asked, walks you to your cab, walks you home, gives you a big kiss, goodnight, I had a lot of fun, can't wait to see you again, calls you the next day.

The next day? The next day, when could I see you again? Wow, okay, okay. You could disagree, I'm telling you, if she likes you, she's thrilled. She's thrilled you called the next day, it's true, it's so true. It's not a game player. He's not a game player, right? He calls you the next day, he called me the next day, if you think he's a creep, he's like, who is this needy stalker?

But if you like him, you can't go wrong. Right. That is a great day by any woman standards. Yes. Okay. What happens if you do that? He achieves his agenda. Right. He impresses you enough to get a second date. And he's got a chance of getting laid one day. Right. By focusing on your agenda, he achieves his agenda. God. That's the magic of Dale Carnegie. Okay. God. That is so interesting.

Put aside what you want, focus on what the other person wants. That is so. And you will get what you want. And it's for businesses, for anything in life, right? Yeah. God. And some of us do this naturally, and some of us have to learn. So this is what, why they need you.

Because it's in these scales. Most of this doesn't come naturally. Most of us and women go into dates with their own agenda. Right. So they're either nervous. They hope the guy likes them. Or they're like, who is this guy? What's wrong with him?

Let me figure out what's wrong with him. I don't want to waste my time. Is he serious? Is he player? Does he have a good relationship with his mom and his ex-husband? Is he looking for marriage in kids? And they're trying to figure out the future in an hour and a half. Right.

And when that agenda shows up on a date and a guy's like, Oh, God, this is too much. Right. So the women have to relax. So what's your advice for women then to be the same thing? You flip it around. What's your agenda? Whatever it is, what you're looking to get out of that date, and you're trying to figure out the future or put it aside, doesn't matter what you want. Focus on what he wants.

Okay. So what does he want? He wants to impress you. He wants to get laid. Oh, no. Yes. He wants to impress you. He wants to get laid. I got it. Your job Let him know you're impressed and let him know that if he's a good boy, he's got a chance of getting laid Okay, that's all a woman has to do in a first day. You just made it so easy. Look them in the eye Touch him on the hand laugh at his jokes jokes, put away the blackberry, ask him questions about himself, compliment him on his shirt or his shoes or his funny story or his business snack, and thank him for choosing the restaurant and pick up the check, and kiss him at the end of the night when he makes his move. Congratulations, you're a great date. Right.

Literally all you have to do is make him feel great. It's, I actually, in my ebook, why he disappeared. I use a sex metaphor. It is like being in bed. Your job is to make him feel like a stallion. If I, it's. You don't have to do that much. Make him feel really good about being there.

He's gonna say, that was the best day I ever had. And all you did was laugh at his jokes and tell him and be cool and easy going and gregarious and make him feel really good about choosing to take you out you let him know that he was valuable interesting smart sexy okay got it i want to get into your book in a minute why why you just i know i know i'm being interviewed i just yaps so much

no i love that you have i step into that i was like he taught he's awesome he's like you're because you such a good thing say amazing thing to say and everyone to hear your voice you You did write this book, Why Men Dispair. It's called Why He Dispair. Why He Dispair. And I want to get into that in one minute, but there's because there's a question I want to ask that's related to what you said. So what about nice guys? Like, a lot of times guys were just like, too nice, right? When we're like, oh, he was too nice. He was great. In that, in that profile of that guy that you just explained, he, is he a nice guy?

Which guy? I mean, of the guy who did everything right. He could be. But what's the problem with nice guys? Let's talk about the nice guy for a minute that doesn't get late and that doesn't get dates. And it messes up and falls into the friend zone. Yeah.

Years ago, when I was coaching both sexes more than I do now 20% of my clients were nice guys. I had these smart strong women and and nice guys nice guys are really easy to help actually Oh, yeah nice guys are the easiest to help. How do you help them? You just give them permission to have have balls It's really not that hard. I had one guy. He hired me for eight weeks of coaching. Okay his story I love this story. He's like, I already love this story. He, he, I don't know what's going on. I love it. Yeah. He was a 30-year-old guy in Boston. I'm not gonna out him, but he, he, he's like, I went out with this woman. She's from work. She's so smart. She's so pretty. I just don't want to screw up. I've been

out on three dates with her and I feel like it's losing momentum. Tuesday night, we went to the cheesecake factory after work at 5.30 and I just, I don't know what to do. Help me. Like he was just stuck. Right. Nice. And he knew. So they got to came to. Not a bad guy. He's not a bad looking guy. Just just felt like he was out of his league. Right. Fine. The friends. I said he this is so simple When you get off the phone with me send her an email Jan had a great time with you on Tuesday night Right on some love repeat what I said before had a great time with you on Tuesday night can't wait to do it again Friday night pick you up at nine dress sexy. I know of a great place to take you

He's like, but I don't know of a great place to take her. I was like you'll figure it out right? Right just just tell her you've got a plan. That's true. That's true. We love to hear that you have a plan. You have a plan. You're going to take care of it. You're going to take care of it.

You have to do everything that's true. And so all you have to do is pick her up. The problem is you're setting yourself up for failure. She's gone out with you three times because she likes you. She's not doing you a favor. She likes you. She's waiting for you to man up. So you have to man up.

You are actually losing your window. Right. But no you to man up. So you have to man up. She's you are actually losing your window. Right. But no one could could get any action. If you're going for drinks at 530, the cheesecake factory. Right. Right. Anybody's going to fail in that position. So choose a later date, pick her up at her place. Right. Give her three drinks, drive her home at midnight. You'll walk at her door. Right. Now she's going to say, would you like to come inside when you make your move and kiss her? Right. And now you'll be all set. So the nice guy's problem then is that they don't have a plan. And they're not thinking ahead into what do I want to happen? It's actually so much strategic. Right. You want to make a move. She wants

you to make a move. She's losing confidence in you because you're not doing it. Because you're being outlawed. So give yourself permission to be the guy that she wants you to be. Okay. She's not a timid flower. She's a sexual being. So just put yourself in the position to succeed. If you need a few drinks to do it, get the few drinks, but just don't have her drive her own car because that's her excuse to leave. Right. So you never let her drive the own car. You drive her home, kiss her at the doorstep. She'll invite you inside. The next week I talked to the guy. He's like, I don't think I need my other seven weeks of coaching. I Everything I swear to you because he said 10 o'clock just that he said everything you said. I swear to God this right

Everything you said happened and I went inside and I think she's my girlfriend now. So thank you It was eight weeks of coaching in one week. Wow. That's amazing. I I I could not make that up. Amazing. What you do? Because people I get these I would need a lot of work. I get hundreds of emails about this stuff. You needed the permission to do what she wanted him to do. Right. She wants it to make the move. It doesn't mean you're like a pervert. He then I mean, you're a guy. And what about strong women, then? What about the strong women? And then like, do they, how do strong women,

and what do they want, you think? They want to say they think. Well, that's the conundrum. Strong women, we'll say they're in the 95th percent of everything. They're the most beautiful. They're the most successful. They're the most educated.

They're looking for the 5% of men who are more men than they are. Right. The problem is that 5% doesn men who are more men than they are. Right. The problem is that 5% doesn't want them in return. Why? Because that's not what he's interested in. He's interested in someone who's more docile. You could use the word docile, but I would probably say someone who makes him feel better about himself.

Right. So it's not that she doesn't have many great qualities that she's bringing to the table. But if I'm that guy, I need something that I don't get. So guys don't like strong, you wrote a blog about that. How do you guys don't like strong success for women? I'm glad you tied those things together. It's the most popular blog post I've ever written. And I started off by using comparison with nice guys.

Nice guys are convinced that the reason they don't do well with women is because they're nice. You've heard that. Oh, I'm supposed to be a jerk, right? And if I were a jerk, I'd do well with women. Oh, women don't want jerks. Yeah, yeah, guys, there's like, there's like, what do girls like to wear? Everyone like girls like jerk, right?

Exactly. So they don't want jerks. No. They want guys who are leaders who have confidence, who have balls who can make decisions and stand up for themselves. Exactly. That doesn't require being a jerk at all.

Right. I've never been a jerk with women. Right. Right. And I've always done okay. So the nice guys are misguided if they think that being nice is the problem. Same with smart, strong, successful women. It's not that you're too smart, strong, and successful.

Wanted to be intimidated by you. We prefer the company of people who have time for us, who listen to us, who don't emasculate us, take away our decision-making abilities, criticize us. Right. We want to feel good around our partner. Right, exactly. So women who are so typically, because I'm actually not to be making it about me,

but I'm not like that at all. I didn't say you were. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's funny, because I'm actually, I guess I think of myself as a strong woman, but I also am very in relationships like I want them to take charge. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, to be in charge. I understand. The problem is most women who claim to be like that. Aren't I swear. We can cause a maximum. They want it in theory. Essentially, you want him to be the president, but you want to have veto power. Right. That's true. So make a decision unless I don't like your decision. And then I get to over it. Like all the one thing except for that.

Exactly. And that's the problem. Okay. Because the man who is the CEO doesn't need someone over, will leave him. That's not, he is the boss. That's what he does. Exactly. How does this so interesting? I love it. And so, so, that's where there's the friction. Is these women, right, they're amazing women.

They're looking for that small fraction of guy whose man enough for they are. That guy doesn't want them in return. Not all guys don't want. I'm making generalization. We have generalizations. We have. So the better fit for those women are the nice guy. The guy's going to let them have their way. He's the better fit. They need a good wife. Yeah. I've often I've often thought that you're a good wife. And that's that's not a pejorative term. If you find a guy who's a great guy treats you well, hold a zone socially, term. If you find a guy who's a great guy, treats you well, holds his own socially, right? If you're out making 250 a year,

working 50 hour weeks, you don't need a guy who makes 350. You do find it's the same as a guy who makes 250. He doesn't need someone who makes more. Right. So why could guys date anybody, and women only need to date the small percentage of men above them? Women have created their own double standard.

Right, that's true. That's so true. It's fascinating. It's fascinating. The way our culture and all these conundrums are that people keep getting the same thing. It's just really just like a few scenarios when you think about it, right? Like you must end your coaching path to have been like, I know what to do with this one. I already know where you're going. Like you probably got to the point where they would tell you three things and you're like, I got you. I know your profile. I know what you need. And you want to make everybody feel like an individual, but yeah, it's pretty easy to see what's in people's blind spots. Right, right.

And you can point that out for them. And that's the idea is people are doing the best that they can and they keep bumping up against the same wall over and over. Over and over again, there's so many patterns and relationships. We did a show about that earlier about the patterns that we constantly date the same people are the types of making the same mistakes and how you get out of that. And a lot of times you get out of that. I guess the coach would be a great way. I have to think in therapy, go back, figure out what you're issue there, what's holding you back, therapy takes too long. Again, I respect for therapists. It is, but it's a very, very slow puzzle.

You can just be like, I've got permission. I'm being asked to do it. I have one client who was 69 years old, she came to me. She's like, I got more out of three weeks of coaching with you than I had 30 years of therapy. Yeah, that's amazing. That's I can totally see that. Coach, therapists don't have the mandate

to tell you what's wrong with you. Right. Yours was the kind of your own until it takes 10 years. If you can't see into your own blind spot. Exactly. And sometimes it's really apparent. And this is why friends can give good advice. Exactly, they give you the blind spot.

OK, let's talk about your book, Why He Disappeared? Yes. Let's talk about that. It's been a great success for what people can download right now on your website. Yep. ASAP. Why did he disappear?

There's three seconds. You had a book about it. I mean, like, men disappear. I had a friend who said, if you can write a book that explains why men disappear, you'll be a very successful dating community. And what you mean by that is why men, they didn't call you back for the second date, why they first part of the book.

First part of the book is why he disappeared after a first date. Second part of the book is why he disappeared when dating you. Okay. Third part of the book is why he disappeared from your relationship. Wow. So it's, and it's specifically for my clients who tend to be smart, strong, successful women. Okay. If you're looking to date that guy who's a little more alpha male. Okay. Wow.

It's a major thing. But it's but it applies. It applies to most people. Most people want that guy. Right. And you need to be able to distinguish, have I done something wrong? That's alienated men over and over and I didn't know it. Or can I give myself a break and stop beating myself up? I didn't do anything wrong. The person, for example, the person who dates George Clooney isn't doing anything wrong. Right. Right. The reason he disappeared is that that's who he is. Right. He deserves all his time. And the only thing you could do is not choose him. Right.

It's not your job to change the sky. It's your job to say, I'm going to weed myself off of the George Clooney's and the James Bonds of the world. Right. Bad boy. Yeah, I'm going to weed myself off of that just because it never pans out. Right. It's not going so well.

It's not that he's not attractive. And listen, I'm married since we talked. I've been married now for two and a half years or something like that. And it's not that I don't still find other women attractive. Women who had certain characteristics that I chased for 35 years, it's that I realized I was going for the female jurisprudence clenies.

You were. I was like, oh, I've got to stop that. Right. You did. You coached yourself. I was going for the female version of myself. And that's that's narcissistic. I've yeah, I have been there's a there's one of the guys I'm dating. We always say that we're like we are the female male version of each other. So never going to work.

But we like love each other. We're so each other. Same. We need compliments, not clones, which is why the alpha male, you know, more endowed wrote our men necessary. I know. I owe it. And so she's like, I'm a Pulitzer Prize winner. I can't believe that someone like, someone, you know,

men must be intimidated by me. No, no, no, no. She's like, she's missing the whole point. Right. Why do men marry their secretaries? Because their secretaries make them feel good. Right. They bring coffee in the morning. If my dad married this woman who was very subservient,

was like a secretary. And I didn't understand it because this is terrible thing to say. But I was younger and I was like, Dad, I don't get why you want, because I was in college and I was, she just, you're in feminist mode. I was in feminist mode. Thank you. I was super feminist. And my dad was dating this woman who didn't do anything

and sat around the house and whatever. I was like, why you didn't swim? And he's like, Emily, she makes me breakfast. And I was like, Dad, you have cereal. And he's like, doesn't matter. Like pours my milk. And I was like, Dad, you have cereal. And he's like, doesn't matter. Like pours my milk. And I was like, I kind of understood that men, a lot of men just want some one to,

it's a cure, it's a cure for them. It's about giving, it's a spirit of giving. And the great thing about being a giver is that you get so much in return. I am so good to my wife because no one's ever been better than me. So I give with this reckless abandon, how could I make my wife's life better? That's all I think about.

How can I make her life better? And she earned that for me because she treats me so well. Why would I give her up to go with someone who is potentially younger, thinner, cuter, smarter? Right. They exist. Of course, and you live in LA. And that's not putting down my wife.

Some people say, your wife should be very insulted the way you talk about her. No, I married her. Right. She's the greatest. Right. I call her the type, oh, wife, literally anybody can marry my wife and be happy. That's how great she is. I can't wait to meet her.

I would have dragged her here, except she needed her sleep. She was up with the baby. Right. Now, you guys just drove in. I'm so glad you're here. You came in and did the show. So why you disappeared? So what else? So what can we get from that? Like the first date for example, is there any like other few thing? I mean you probably can't encapsulate what one chapter right now. But what are some common things? Like there's a lot of women kind of walking around going like, yeah, it was a fun day. It was great. We made out. I didn't call like what? Well, again, let's talk about those two scenarios. I open the book talking about amazing date that I was on.

The woman went to Harvard. She was in grad school. We went to the the W and in Westwood at the time and made out in the parking lot until 2.30 in the morning. Never heard from her again. And I spent like weeks thinking about what happened. What on a miss here? Made out in the parking lot until 2.30 in the morning. Never heard from her again and I've spent like weeks thinking about what happened. What I miss here, right? Doesn't matter. That's the answer. It actually sometimes it really doesn't matter

And we just like to obsess about it. It has nothing to do with you Right, if you gave it your a game and it didn't work out. It's their issue They're dating someone else. They're going through some stuff Exactly You can't hold on to the things that you don't even know. Because you just be yourself up with it anyway. Right. If you actually had a great experience, and sometimes people are delusional, right? You've gone out with a guy. He had a great time.

He followed up. I thought we had fun. I thought we had fun. I thought we had fun. And you're like, dude, I was being polite. Like who are you on? You're being polite, right? But he doesn't understand. Exactly. So if you were to tell them the truth, what do you think about that? like, I don't know. I don't know. Right. But he doesn't understand. Exactly. So, if you were to tell him the truth, what do you think about that tell you what the truth why didn't work?

Only if they ask. You don't, you don't lead with it. Right. But that's the problem with dating. We don't give comment cards. So that guy who goes on the date and is relentlessly negative, he's going to do that with the next woman and the next woman. I know, but wouldn't it be nice to kind of be like, hey dude, this is why it's sock?

Like, shouldn't there be some kind of like universal Rachel Greenwald wrote a book called why he didn't call you back later retitled, have him at hello. She interviewed a thousand guys about why they don't call women back. Okay. And she said, essentially, if you go out with someone and this just works for men or women, right, you go out with someone and a week goes by and they don't call you or they don't return your calls, you can kind of take the hint, right? Yeah. So then you email him or her and say, we're talking to more demand. Right.

Nancy, I'm getting the sense you're not going to return my call. No big deal. I had a nice time meeting you last Wednesday. But I really would love to learn if there's anything that I did that turned you off, which is why you're not calling me back. I'm a big boy. I could take it, please be brutally honest with you. Love it. Something that I could learn for the next time out.

Good, that would be have to take it very self-aware, confident mouth. And but you have a chance to totally be. Like you were a last to the waitress and you talked about yourself the whole time. Got it. I had no idea, I was just being myself. Yeah, and you suck. So whatever, in a very nice way, I'd say it. But yes, God, there's so much, she's so much more.

So if men and women could actually get feedback on what they're doing wrong, there's limitations to anybody giving advice. I'm not gonna date with anybody. Right. And people have to ask and want, and people have to want to improve and want to better. A lot of people don't want to go there.

Yeah, some people say, well, I'm just being, if he can't handle me the way I am, then I'm sorry, well, then good luck. Good luck with that. Right. If she can't handle the fact that I'm just be, if he can't handle me the way I am, then I'm sorry, well, then good luck. Good luck with that. If she can't handle the fact that I'm relentlessly negative, then she's not my kind of person anyway. Okay, good luck with that. Exactly, God, this is such good advice.

I love it. Thank you. It's very helpful. The work they're doing is so important. I want every single person who emails me to have like five minutes with you. I think it would help them so much. I really, I feel very lucky, just like you do.

I feel very lucky to be able to do this. So much of it is common sense yet we're so close to ourselves that we can't see clearly enough. And if you've struggled with relationships, why do I keep on, I mean, there's a common thing, I attract the wrong people. Right. I did some YouTube video on this,

where very few YouTube videos of me, but one called, you don't attract the wrong people, you accept the wrong people. Exactly. Why? Well, people believe, oh I'm a dad, I'm a crazy chick magnet or I'm an asshole magnet. Exactly. We did this over that reason. I was like, it's known to look at the common denominator here and to you. All right, so it's not that you are a magnet, right? If I were to spin it my way, I had, you know, I dated 300 people before I got married. So I could say, you know, I'm a crazy chick magnet. But in fact, I attracted many women

through online dating over many years. Most of them were not that way. A small percentage were in those with the good stories. All right, so I attract women. A certain percentage of them were crazy. But the crazies won't have any effect on you if you don't actually date them. Right. If you could identify.

But why were you attracted to the crazies? I wasn't attracted to it. It was put up with. She might be a physically attracted person. I'd be like, I'm kind of sad and lonely and pathetic. So I'll go out with her for four months because I got nothing else going on. Right. And people do that. We just go out with someone because

we're down on our luck it's been a while this person paying attention to me and getting some good sex right we date so many don't think it's a good rule to dump those people that are just filling your time it's not even done but it's not even let them in the door don't even know because it stops the right person exactly every second with every second with the wrong person you're not looking for the right person and so every second you're with the wrong one. Not that you attract them. It's that you accept them.

Like if I were suddenly single and my wife left me I would essentially look for her again. I would never spend a half a second on someone who was critical and demanding and difficult and I was like, you're talking It's getting clear of what you want as a person. And that is, that's the same thing. That's the amazing. We want to be treated well. Yeah. I mean, like, you know, we want to be adored.

Yeah. Women want to be, I think it's a little different when we want. Men and women want what we want. Like, I think that women want to feel like adored and appreciated and worshipped in some ways and taken care of. And I guess men might kind of move that too in a way, right?

So it is kind of the same. It is kind of the same. That's the amazing blind spot. We keep missing each other. But that's the amazing thing. Is that you say, here's what I'm looking for. Men are looking for the same thing. And that hasn't necessarily occurred to you.

That the way to a man's heart is just to treat him well. And by the way, women, I've heard from women, but I do treat my man well and they walk all over me. Then dump him. Right. Like, I'm not asking you to stay with a guy who treats you for a minute. And they might stay with that guy, because you perhaps in their childhood, their dad treated their mom like that. Not even going to get into it.

Oh, so you get into it. Yeah, I'm not telling you to be a doormat. Treat your guy well. You get something great in return. If you don't get something great in return, you're out the door. The leverage you have is your ability to walk away Absolutely women walk away from that abuse of men Same with men

Not even abusive just indifferent the guy who's like Really ready for a relationship? Can you come on top like ten of my friends today? I My wife last she's like she's, I know where to find your parties. When there's a circle of 10 women around to you, that's where I know you are. I love it. That is so funny.

That's me too at party. I'm with dudes talking about sex. Exactly, but we would never meet at a party. Takes a secure woman, right? That's another reason she's super cool. She does she. Super exactly. I need a guy who can handle my own

that I'm going to be talking to 10 guys about sex. One of the only people I was ever insecure around, I went on on a date in LA with a sex expert, and I was intimidated. Really? Absolutely. Oh my god. This is where I get all the time. Why?

Um. Because she's a sex expert. She's a sex expert. I mean, okay, this can you help me with this problem? This is my problem. I might have been around a lot, but still, like that's... I know. Okay. You know, like...

So guys are intimate. People ask me that since I started the show. And when I started six years ago, I was like, no, I'm not intimidating. I'm, you know me, and then I just grow in the world. But after six years, I'm an expert, and I've been doing it, and I do feel like a lot of guys either A1, just be with me because I'm a sex expert. So they're like, I'll be a banger. Yeah, just to say I've been there. I've done that right or they're super intimidated

And then they can't like performer. They freak out got it um I I could see that well as it turns out she blew ball me twice She did She totally got you there and then that was that was the the funniest part. Is she got pleased and I got nothing. Wow. The first time I was like, good for her. I was a sucker.

The second time, I can't believe we're doing this. I was like, is this part of the expertise? Right, right. I'm not really getting this. Maybe she wasn't. Yeah, those who teach, you know, sometimes can't do. I'm sure she could have. I think she just didn't.

And that was funny. You were intimidated. You've just got, god damn it. Could I not believe it's true?. But I think it's true. And, and I never understood why people would be intimidated by me because I'm not, I'm not, I'm not intimidated. I'm not intimidating at all. Right. And there, I remember one woman went out and bought my book and researched me before we went out. Uh, and, and the whole conversation was about me. And that's not a way to have a date.

We're like, I'm not even, nobody, but when I'm being treated like a celebrity by the person across me. We don't wanna be treated that way. Yeah, you just wanna be normal. I'm like, no, I'm here, I'm in a date. This isn't really such a- Yeah, I'm not analyzing you.

Yeah, I'm not writing a book about you, which is- Right, unless it goes really bad and I'll talk about it in the morning in a show. Right, right, okay. Go ahead, that's so interesting. But yeah, that's one. The one woman, okay. One of the few times I've actually been like, oh, I'm out of my depth, too. So, do's so interesting. But yeah, that's one. The one woman, okay. One of the few times I've actually been like,

oh, I'm out of my depth too. So do you think I should say something to the guys and be like, I know this, but no. I think you could kind of downplay it for maybe male ego purposes is, though, I interview people. It doesn't mean I've slept with 200 people. It means I've interviewed 200 people. Right, that's good, that's good.

Okay. Oh, this is so helpful. Thank you so much. I'm making myself, I love it. I like it. Okay, That's good. That's good. Okay. Oh, this is so helpful. Thank you. I love it. I like it. Okay, we're good. We got to go. We've got covered a lot of good stuff. You're Evan Mark cats, your website, Evan EVANMarkMARC cats.com. Your book, super successful, doing well, why he disappeared. Thank you. And I want everyone to check out his website. What else? No, I just I'm coaching if you need coaching you do a phone right? I've got a I've got a group coaching. I got private coaching. I do work with men It just doesn't say it on my website. Okay. I've got a blog. I've got a blog where I answer reader questions

We get about a lot of your blog is an amazing writer 120,000 people a month come to the blog And so if you just want some really juicy topics and some amazing comments, we've got hundreds of people commenting on it. It's a really cool community. That's right. I love your site. I think it's amazing. I think you did a great job with it. I think of you as the dating coach. There's a lot. The premier dating coach in America, ever markets on my show. I'm just going to say nothing and take take take take it and take it in. Okay baby, thank you so much. Thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. It was a good just gonna say nothing and take take take it and take it in.

Okay baby, thank you so much. Thanks everyone for listening to Sex with Emily. It was a good for you. Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.