Sex With Emily - Find Your Person & Lead Your Love Life w/ Matthew Hussey Pt. 2

Episode Date: May 3, 2024

Today, I continue my conversation with my friend, YouTube personality, public speaker, and author Matthew Hussey. We chat about his latest book, Love Life: How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person, and Live Happily No Matter What, Matthew’s texting skills, and why it’s best to follow your path and not your feelings. And if you were wondering about the texting cliffhanger from Part 1, it’s answered in today’s show. Enjoy! In this episode you’ll learn:  Why “avoiders” can be more of a red flag in relationships than liars When to make things work and when it's not worth it Why speaking your truth is sexy Show Notes: Find Your Person & Lead Your Love Life w/ Matthew Hussey Pt. 1 Matthew’s New Book: Love Life LELO Tor 3 (Use code SEXWITHEMILY for 25% off) SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.

Follow your path, not your feelings. It's a very tempting thing to keep being with someone because it feels good, but not realizing that that person isn't on your path. Because your path, the thing you really want, you are sacrificing. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. I'm really. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. I'm really excited about today's episode, which is part two of my interview with leading dating expert and confidence coach, Matthew Hussey.

His new book, Love Life, How to Raise Your Standards, Find Your Person and Live Happily No Matter What, is exactly the book we all need in today's world. And in this episode, you'll finally find out what Matthew wrote back to his now wife's very direct and disuasive text message. We also get into why we should be more concerned with avoiders than trying to spot the liars in relationships, why you should follow your path and not your feelings, and why speaking your truth is sexy because it's our standards that makes us attractive. And finally, we also answer your dating questions. And we have a new segment on the show called Happy Endings, where you hear my producer, Felgen, and I

do our hot takes on the episode in real time. It's a good one, guys, so let me know what you think. Please rate your views, Sex with Emily, wherever you listen to the show. Listen, when you rate the show, it helps it get out to more people, and it just takes two seconds. You can do it right now.

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His new book is called Love Life and he drops many pearls of wisdom in it and with us. We last left you with a cliffhanger of a text exchange he had with his now wife Audrey in part one of this podcast. We'll also link that first episode in the show notes. So as promised you're gonna get the sequence of events that followed and let me tell you the story did not go exactly how I thought it would. There are people I'm sure will be tickled by this. When I was dating my wife Audrey, I was the guy for a minute who left, I went back to America, we met in London, I

went back to the States and I was like I can't do a long-distance relationship. And we were dating at the time, we weren't in a relationship, but gradually she started to feel me pull away. And it got to the point where I pulled away so much that it was like there was nothing there anymore. I then sent a message to her and I roll my eyes at it now, but I sent a message to her saying, I miss you. And this was after like a couple of weeks of no contact, nothing, not trying, like very bare minimum. Now, if she was mirroring me in that moment, she would have been like, I miss you too. How are you?

It's been like, you know, what's going on? She didn't do that. She, I'll tell you, she modeled the culture she wanted to see. She sent me a message and she said, hey, I hope you're well. I don't really know what to say when you send me a message like this.

We haven't really been that close for a while now. And rightly or wrongly, this message comes across as a bid for attention. Ooh. It was one of the most brilliant, brave, leading messages that I've ever received in my life. And if you look at the language of that, everything about it was powerful.

Firstly, she's still warm. People who have the best standards, who are really grounded in them, they don't lose their warmth and their kindness when they're having a standard. They can maintain all of that beauty at the same time as having a standard. So she said, hey, I hope you're well.

There was still warmth there. But then she said, when you send something like this to me, I don't really know what to say. Which is her way of saying, this is really confusing. Yeah, we were having a good time. Now it's been a few weeks. Right, and what you're saying is completely out of sync with your behavior.

You're saying you miss me, but I barely heard from you. She then said, we haven't been that close for a while now. So that's her shining a light on the elephant in the room. And then she said, and rightly or wrongly, and I think she put those in like parentheses, rightly or wrongly is a beautiful phrase, by the way, because it takes ego out of the equation. It's her way of saying, I'm not judging you

and I'm not pointing at you and saying you're a bad guy or that, you know, you truly meant to do this in a malicious way or anything like that. She's just going rightly or wrongly, I could be wrong. Rightly or wrongly, this message comes off as a bid for attention. She's saying, I might be wrong,

but it feels like that's what this is. Tell me if I'm wrong. And I remember feeling completely kind of naked with that message. I have to circle back to what happened with the text with Audrey. I haven't even told you the best part of this. Okay.

Like that is the- Because everyone's gonna be like, what the fuck happened now they're married? By the way, that's the part where Audrey looks, my wife Audrey looks heroic. Everyone after they hear that wants to meet Audrey. But to me, that's not the most heroic part of the story. The most heroic thing is that I then backed off.

I did not, it wasn't like a message that suddenly made me go, I must marry her now. Oh my God, okay. I backed off and went fair enough. This isn't a match right now because our intentions are completely different. So I am going to back off. Did you tell her that or you just backed off?

I just pretty much backed. I was like fair enough. You already backed off. I was like, I get it and you know, and I backed off. But the most heroic part is that on day three of me backing off, she didn't send a message and say, hey, so how are you? And on day seven, she didn't send a message and say,

how's your week? And on day 37, she didn't say, so, how you doing? I'm just wanting to, I've kind of missed you. She didn't say, so, you know, how you doing? I'm just wanting to, you know, I've kind of missed you. She didn't do any of that. She took me backing off as a sign that she was absolutely right about what she'd said. She felt validated and she became utterly disinterested

in me. Like was done. She's like, yeah, this is clear. She's done. And that's because it wasn't a tactic. It was a standard. Yeah. That's such a great point. When something't a tactic. It was a standard. Yeah. That's such a great point.

She wasn't playing any game. It wasn't tactics. She was like, clear, this is confusing to me what you're saying. I just want to be clear. That makes it sound like you're having a bit for attention, but I'm going to go live my life now. Cause that's my step.

That wasn't a standard of mine. I want to feel needed and desired. If a tactic doesn't work for us, we change desired. If a tactic doesn't work for us, we change tactics. If a standard doesn't work for us, we keep it anyway because it's who we are. The standard was who she was. It wasn't a tactic she did to get a result. By the way, a few months later, I reached out to her because I was coming to London and I was like, hey, are you, you know, around? Can we grab a coffee? And she told me she had a, it was like she had a boyfriend. She was like, I'm seeing someone now

and it could be serious. So I hope you're well, but it doesn't feel appropriate for me to text you and certainly not to meet up. That was, that was like- That was hard. That wasn't a good day for you. What happened? I was saying it was a bad day.

It was a bad day. It was a really bad day. It was a really bad day. It was a really bad day. Because you thought that yeah, she'd probably make the time. So yeah, I do it. Well, one day, a few months from then, I got a text from her saying, how are you? And because of the integrity that she had

when she was seeing someone, it was very clear to me that now she wasn't. And I was like, well, I would like to see her. But what I knew at that point was, this is someone that I have to bring my A game to because it's not, I know what happened last time when I didn't, she meant it, she meant it. So-

So you really brought it and you guys were able to go there. She ended up saying to me like, if we're gonna like go there, then this has to be different from last time. It can't be like last time, I'm not interested in that. And I was like, all right, you know, message received. Message received and now you're married. So that was a big lesson for you,

seemed like you learned a lot in that relationship. Yeah. And it was, you know, I think you spoke earlier about bringing your best to someone. I mean, the one thing that she has always done is those standards that she has have always been combined with a beautiful person, you know, like truly accepting me and loving me and caring about me and showing up for me. And it's a very potent mix. When someone brings you this gorgeous energy and they show up for you and they, and you feel seen by them and you don't feel judged. And I felt like things, even as I started to become more vulnerable and more trusting with her than I had been in the past and I started to speak things that I thought

if I speak these she's not like anyone. I think my whole life I was like if I say these things I'm no longer the heroic version of myself. I am insecure, I'm going to be perceived as frail, I'm going to be perceived as not good enough or I'm gonna be perceived as frail, I'm gonna be perceived as not good enough, or I'm gonna, suddenly it's gonna change the way someone sees me. Every time I said something like that to Audrey, it was met with more love and more compassion.

And I had been, like, I remember a specific situation where I was with someone and I did what I, I went against my instincts to never be truly vulnerable and I had said something that had made me insecure, but I said it in an honest way and it backfired because this person said that I find that really unattractive. And it- What's your biggest nightmare that someone's gonna say?

My worst fear and it like, I look back now and I'm like, you know those moments in the film where like something happens and it sends someone to the dark side? You're like, that's where, oh, that's when he became Voldemort. Like that was where, you know, like, that's how I felt like I was in that moment.

I was so, I was so hurt. And I was so deep down, I was, I felt so unlovable and I felt so much shame. And I also thought, fuck Brene Brown. Right, like I'm never being vulnerable again, right? Right? This freaking vulnerability stuff. Yeah, I was like, this is bullshit.

But I was wrong and that was the wrong lesson to learn. But at the time. Yeah, of time, it really, really hurt me. And I had the complete opposite experience. Yeah. So you've been knowing the signs to look for and what I also love in the book, you talk about you've been in all the places, you've been the guy in your 20s and 30s

and you've learned the lessons, you've helped people learn lessons. There's a chapter in the book called, Beware of Voiders. And it's a very, very important chapter because we worry so much in life about liars. People who have been, had their trust broken are worried about a liar.

Like, how do I spot a liar? YouTube has some viral content on like, how to spot a liar. I actually think spotting a liar is far less important than being concerned with avoiders in life because most people aren't pathological liars but a hell of a lot of people are avoiders. So tell me about the avoiders. They'll avoid any conversation. They'll avoid any conversation and we all do it. We'll avoid a conversation

that has consequences for us that we're not willing to face right now. You know, men or women will do this. I don't wanna have a conversation with this person about the fact that I don't really see a future with them because I'm just kind of enjoying it right now and I don't want it to go away just yet because it feels quite nice.

But you know, so why am I gonna precipitate a conversation's going to blow this up? So they'll avoid it. But an avoider needs another avoider. You can't be an avoider and be met with someone who's leading with their culture and willing to shine a light on things. Do avoiders get together then or it just doesn't work? They do, right? Yeah, because here's the situation. An avoider's going, I'm never gonna give this person a relationship. And they're going, I hope they don't ask

so that I can keep dating this person knowing it's not gonna go anywhere. And when they two years from now say, hey, like, what are we? I can go, what are you talking about? What are we? We're friends. We've just been having a nice time.

I don't know why you're suddenly like trying to put a label on it. They've been avoiding it all that time. But how is the other person an avoider? Well, the other person is an avoider because they're enjoying the situation and they're afraid that if they ask the question, what are we, that this person's going to suddenly walk in the other direction. So

you've got one person trying to avoid a relationship and one person trying to avoid a conversation about having a relationship because they're afraid that they're gonna get scared off. So those two avoiders can function together unhappily for this person for a long long time. We have to be prepared to say I'm never gonna be an avoider because if I'm never an avoider, you never get to be an avoider with me. Well these are such skill sets. Learning to actually know what you want, learning to stand up for that. I feel like so many of us don't do that. I mean I wouldn't even say it's men

or women. I think it's all of us because we're still in that mindset. So ways that we have to play the game, we have to be the good person. We're afraid of people's reactions. It certainly wasn't modeled to us. So I think a lot of what you're teaching now is that like, no, be the leader of your own love life. Stand up for what you want.

If it doesn't feel good, you don't need to ask all your friends about it. If it really didn't feel good, you're allowed to say it without anger, maybe take a few beats. I think this is how it made me feel. And by the way, avoiding it never ends well for you because you always end up in a situation that you're unhappy with. And there's a chapter in the book called Do Not Join a Cult of Two, which is what happens when we avoid so much

the difficult conversations that we need to have that we end up in order to kind of feel like we're sane, we end up just buying into their logic. I'll give you an example. I had a woman who came to me and said, you know, me and this guy, we're both like really busy entrepreneurs and we don't find a lot of time to see each other.

And you know, it's just hard. I'm not sure what to do. We really like each other, but we're just so busy that lot of time to see each other and you know it's just hard I'm not sure what to do we really like each other but we're just so busy that it's hard to see each other and I was like what I was like let me get this straight if he suddenly said I'm gonna free up some time because I want to see you more would you free up time from your business to see him more she was like yeah I was like so what you're saying is not really you talking, is it? It's him talking. Everything you just said to me was basically him talking through you. You have co-opted his excuse and started to own it as if it's your own because it's too painful

to admit that you want this, you want something he doesn't. Yeah, we don't, we're so afraid of it. So we just convince ourselves that no, we're all so busy. We're both just really busy, yeah. After all these years that you've been doing this, what has been the shift? Cause your strategy has shifted, you've evolved, but do you think that we're ready for this? Because I feel like earlier on it was probably different.

And what's the change that you've seen for over the years? What would be the main thing? Do you think that we're ready for this kind of conversation? Was there more game playing years ago? Was there more be the cool girl and now that's not okay? That's- I don't know. I think what was interesting in general is

I think people are craving authenticity now more than ever. I think we have gone like through this weird like 10 years of social media and filters and people being able to like be a certain version of themselves online and it kind of it we're all a little like better at seeing through nonsense and just going I think more of us in general are looking at things going we don't instinctively trust what we see. We look at that video and we go, oh, that was probably staged. We look at this person and we go, ah, there's probably

a thousand different ways that they've adjusted their body and their face and they don't really look like that in real life. We've like reached this place of like distrust in so many things that when something comes through and it feels human and it feels authentic and it feels like truth, I think that there is it shines and it is like it's like swattering a drought. You're just like, oh my gosh, this feels real. And so I think that there's a lot of people in their love lives that can stand out by having a far greater level of authenticity. And standards are really a form of authenticity. It's like me speaking my truth about what I want, not being ashamed of what I want,

not going, not the primary question being, you know, how do I say this without scaring someone off? That's all the time with sex too. That's not going to be my question anymore. I'm not going to keep asking how do I speak my truth without scaring someone off. Instead, I'm actually going to worry more about speaking my truth so that the right people can find me. Because they can't find you unless you're speaking a truth. It's a very simple little moment but there's a story I tell in the book of a woman who went on a couple of dates with a guy very early on but she went on like two dates with a guy and he had to go

away for work for a few days and she barely heard from him and she said to him at the end of the trip she said I got a little sad while you were away and I didn't hear from you it made me feel like you might have been sharing your bed with somebody else and it was like a little moment of vulnerability but also an expression of intention and a lot of people won't do that because they'll be like I want to feign coolness indifference whatever but she in saying that it was a very simple moment where she communicated I'm not that person that just like wants to be in some casual thing while you also sleep with other people and he ended up in a relationship with her and I believe

that a big part of the shift in him was that that intentionality in her was actually kind of sexy. Yeah. I think so too. So it's a little bit, we're a little bit braver now maybe just to say, to say the things. I don't know if we are, but my mission with this book is to get people to do that. I want to get people to a point where they not only realize that not having high standards and boundaries and not speaking their truth about what they want is always going to lead to pain,

but also a step further than that, that they realize that actually your standards actually are the magnet. They are the thing that makes you attractive. We worry that our standards are gonna scare someone away. Our standards are actually what elevate people to their best behavior around us. They rise. Some people will rise to the occasion with us when they haven't with anyone else because what the way we're showing up is an invitation to them. Okay, we'll be back with Matthew Husty after a short break. But first, let me tell you about Lalo.

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Also, you can click the link in the show notes. What can we help people with now? What do you hope people get today from these messages? Because I hear every day from people too, dating is hard. I'm never going to find someone. You hear all the same things. So what is the reframe if we don't have experience being vulnerable, knowing how to find the right people, avoid the pitfalls?

I mean, of course they're gonna read your book Love Life, but are there just some ways, because people that are just like, I'm over it, it's terrible, I can't go out with friends and be like, I'm just done. Like this is, you know? So in this new wisdom or this wisdom that you have, like what is it, what are we missing?

What are we all doing? Like there's so many single people out there do we first have to be vulnerable ourselves we have to look at that we know that we're in a tank and under see our tank find someone else or accept that not everyone's gonna be able to get vulnerable and then kind of just bail because not everyone's willing to do the work it's a combination it's a combination of the things that you just mentioned. But it's also, I kind of would say to people, pace yourself, pace yourself.

It's not, if you in a panic go into a crazy flurry of activity to try to make something happen, then you are gonna burn out. And it will also try to make you force it with people who are not right. And I think one of the reasons we burn out too often is because we give too much of our energy to people who are really bad places to give our energy.

Right, and I agree with that. And we sometimes don't realize because we think it's too late. How do we, how do we, I don't know, check in with ourselves? We've all done that. Wait, we think it's too late in what respect? We just think, oh, well, it's already been five years with the person. Three years, I've already put in so much time. I just wish we all could go back. I'm like, why was I in that relationship? But we don't see it. Like- You couldn't have done anything different.

Yeah. So we have to be kind to ourselves. You couldn't have done anything different. That's how the dominoes fell for you. Like it's really really important to understand that you can't... Listen everyone has their own beliefs around this. I have a somewhat deterministic belief system. I really believe that you couldn't... you did what you did because that was what you were always gonna do. You weren't in a place because of your genetics, your makeup, your parents, your mentors or the mentors you never had, the society you were in, everything was leading to that moment where you made that decision to be with that person or to stay with that person another year

or another five or another ten. You were not in a position to do better. And so we have to start looking forward, not backwards, because that's the recipe for forgiveness, is realizing you did the best you could at the time, but you today can do better because you have new tools, you have different wisdom, you have more experience, you have more curiosity, you're listening to this podcast right now, you're gonna read this book, like they're all new inputs inputs and new inputs can change the way the dominoes fall. And that's why

everything can change. Everything can change. You're not set. Today can be the first day of the rest of your dating life. You can change a story today. Yeah. The past does not have to equal the future in this area. It doesn't. Okay. So a few more things. Sex. What? Anything? What comes up for you and your people with sex? I'm not going to ask you about your sex. Sex. few more things, sex, what, anything, what comes up for you at your people with sex? I'm not going to ask you about your sex. Every freaking day there is a study that says no one's having sex. Young people are in their 20s.

That's an interesting. So are you hearing from people like, I don't know why I'm going out with this person and they're not having sex with me or I don't want to have sex or I'm uncomfortable. Are you hearing more of that these days from people? The sex just, the sex isn't happening. I, that, I, I can't say I've seen that, but it's fascinating to me the data that, like the studies that are coming out around young people

and how there does seem to be less sex than ever is really fascinating. What I see whenever I get a question about sex, it's people avoiding the same hard conversations there that they're avoiding everywhere else. This huge, I mean I wrote a chapter in this book called Have Hard Conversations and it's funny, I didn't know if you picked up on this I did a radio show where I was spokesperson briefly for Trojan condoms and There was a radio show host that you know got started by saying, you know, we're gonna we have Matthew Hussey on

talking about safe sex for You know, and we're gonna be talking and he said I'll just say it the once we're gonna be talking about condoms and He said so Matthew. What's the what's the problem here? Why are we struggling so much? And I was like, well, maybe because you made such a big deal out of just saying the word condom, like that showing up in people's private lives, too, is that same shame around talking about sex, around being open about sex.

There's so much of it that is still there for people. The struggle to own one's sexuality, the difficulty that people have having what are intensely private conversations with each other. But not knowing's why I love what you do, because when I've had you on our show, you have this way of every time you kind of role play the way a conversation could go in the bedroom or outside of the bedroom, because I know so much of what you say is about the conversations that people have outside of the bedroom in like really easy,

playful environments. It's, there's always such a warmth and a playfulness to it and a lightness to it and people have made those conversations so heavy and they're so out of practice having them that they don't know how to say what they want, they don't know how to you know say what they like, they don't know how to encourage someone to do more of what they like or to speak up when they don't like something. It's really sad, but it's no different to the hard conversations people are struggling to have about what are we. Exactly. It's like how you do one thing is how you do everything. If you are avoiding

awkward conversations in the bedroom or in the boardroom or in your dating life, you're probably doing it everywhere and that is a skill set, learning to be vulnerable and have these awkward conversations in the bedroom or in the boardroom or in your dating life. Like you're probably doing it everywhere and that is a skill set learning to be vulnerable and have these awkward conversations. Can I tell you one thing that I'm seeing more of that's kind of weird is like there's a... I don't know if you've seen this. Okay. But it seems to be this... I don't know if it's just online. You know it's hard to know sometimes whether it's people or it's just online. But it seems to be more of this almost return to this kind of like traditional values type thing.

There's like the viral, there's like the TikTok trad wife stuff, almost as puritanical return to like how women should be and how many partners they should have had. And if they've had more than that, then they are essentially like, they're not good women for you.

And I'm, it's a weird thing in 2024 to see like the pendulum in some ways, almost swinging back to this crazy level of judgment and sexism around sex. I know that that never went away but there are certain messages that are getting a lot louder and I think that just to say like the fact that we're even judging people and how many number what's your body count like that makes me crazy I'm like no one needs to know that information let's not judge people so to hear that that is, I mean.

It's not in my algorithm either. No, I know. But I go on podcasts and I get asked by people on podcasts, what do you think of these trends? And I'm like, that's a trend. Yeah, I know. That's going on. That happened to me too.

I get what you're saying. So we have to be really, really careful with this stuff and focus on the people. You just need to be laser focused on the people that aren't the kinds of people that care. That's exactly it. And there's so much fear, I think, once you hear this, you're like, oh, it's like fear based,

like someone's gonna judge me. So I better not be that person, but like just people have to, it just, I think the fear makes you feel more, think you have to be more conservative, right? Like I'm afraid people are gonna judge me. So now I should really hold back on my sexuality and then we're just going backwards. And that's a disaster.

So just keep listening to Sex with Emily and everything that Matthew Hase has to say, because we're gonna give people freedom to find their voices, which is really what you do, and define their wants and needs, and there's no right or wrong, and this whole like bending over backwards so somebody likes you and contorting yourself

into something that you think people want is never gonna work for you. And we always have to find out who we are, what we want, what feels good to us, and what we deserve. I just, yeah, sometimes it is still astonishing that people are just saying some of the things that you're saying are putting up with such bad behavior from people and we deserve to be treated well because we are our own babies. We are our own humans. We're our own humans. And follow.

I'm my human. You're your human. Yeah. You must have really powerful, you're yours. I mean, what could be more beautiful than that and more pure than that? The last thing I would say to people is just like, follow your path, not your feelings.

It's a very tempting thing to go keep following someone, to keep being with someone because it feels good, but not realizing that that person isn't on your path. Anytime I see a woman who is like, who I know, I'm not assuming, I know she really wants a family and she's in her late thirties and then she went to a party and met a 24 year old or a 23 year old guy and hit it off with him and he's sexy and it's fun and he's charismatic and charming and now all of a sudden she's like on date five with that guy. I'm like this is a classic example of following your feelings not your path because your path the thing you really want you are sacrificing right now for the feeling the validation the excitement or just the distraction of this person. We have to be really really

connected to what it is we're looking for and then be very intentional intentional about staying on that path and even if something comes along and it's shiny and it's attractive and it seems fun if it's not on your path don't waste your time and for anyone who is struggling with the wanting a family and feeling you're running out of time there's a whole extensive chapter in the book about that. That's really important because people do kind of lose their way with that and it is very important. So I think it's all in there. Love life, Matthew Hussie. Everyone's got to get your book.

I do have some questions from listeners. Dear Dr. Emily, what about situationships? Can they ever turn into real relationships? We can just make these like quick answers here. But what's your take on that? You're in control of whether they do or whether you get them out of your life. And you have to stop waiting for somebody else to turn it into something more. Instead, you have to have a standard that says, I'm gonna elegantly communicate to this person what it is I want.

And I'm gonna tell them that my energy and the love I have to give to someone is really amazing and is really precious And you want to make sure that you're you're putting it in the right direction And if this person isn't on the same page as you then you're gonna have to take that energy elsewhere. You're in control The very question implies that you're not Okay, it can they turn into something more if you're on month three with someone and you're not, right? Can they turn into something more? If you're on month three with someone and you're still worried about asking the question of where this is going, then you're already an avoider.

Yeah, you're already, you are the avoider. You are the problem, you got it, because we're so afraid. I love this, okay. Yeah, I think situations ships like that's just, you're a part of that situation ship, make it not one. Ask the questions, get what you need. What's a good tip to help you stop projecting your old relationships onto new love interests?

View them holistically. Instead of viewing it through the lens of this one thing that has triggered you, look at the whole relationship. If this person doesn't text you as often as you would like, and that feels like an old relationship where you didn't get the communication you wanted, ask yourself if it's like the old relationship in all of the other ways. Are they also never calling you or never being present when they're with you or not making you feel safe in the relationship? Or are they someone who actually is making you feel safe in every other way except that they just aren't a big texter but if you call them or if you book to see them tonight they'll be all over it. Look at them holistically

instead of zoning in on this one thing and allowing that one thing to make you think that it's the same as the other relationship. Yeah I think that's great get into it break it down. How about this one? Can a man that lies and does not keep his promises changes behavior to you over time? Keeping your word. Here's the, can I say this? Yeah, say it. That's what I call a dark pairing.

A dark pairing is where you have two different things in the same person that when they're together they are uniquely dangerous. So lying on its own, not a good quality. Breaking promises on its own, not a good quality. Breaking promises and lying, really dark pairing. Because if someone breaks their promise but they're honest with you and they're like, oh, I said I would get this done today.

I'm so sorry, I put too much on my plate. I didn't get it done. I apologize. Then at least them breaking a promise is met with contrition, honesty, and vulnerability. But if someone breaks promises and they lie, you're in for a world of pain. So if it's a pattern, I would get out immediately. Yeah. I'm with you. Get out. I mean, especially if someone wants to change behavior, like they might change, but it's not going to be on your watch. Like it's gonna take a long time if this person ever wants to change, they're gonna do the work, go into therapy. Like, well, we have the answer here. There's a great

Jacob M Broad quote that goes, consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll realize how foolish it is to think you can change someone else. Yeah, love that quote. Thank you, Matthew. Thank you for being here. Okay, so what's going on where people find your book and join your world and hang out with you more? Well, I hope if I haven't been able to sway anyone to buying a book in this conversation, I'm not sure what else to say. I hope that people have heard enough that they would love to get a copy. Of course, you can get a copy at lovelifebook.com. All the retailers are there. Amazon, Barnes and Noble, international retailers.

If you're not in America, I'm doing an event on May the 4th called Find Your Person, which is kind of my answer to, OK, I can't guarantee someone finds their person, but if I was taking someone's year and saying, what would I do to engineer the best chances, that this event is my answer to that question and every single person who gets a copy of the book, if you go to lovelifebook.com and enter your receipt, you're going to get a free ticket to that event on May 4th. It's exclusive for book buyers but I really, truly, truly have poured my heart and soul into this and I care about it deeply. I'm very, very proud of it.

I truly believe this is gonna help people. I'm excited for everyone who gets it, not just because they'll get it, but the more noise we make about it, the more it can get in the hands of someone who has no idea who I am and still needs it. So help me make a splash people. I would really, really appreciate it.

Yeah, well, it's really well done. It's authentic, It's real. And I know you can feel you in there, your heart in there. And you're so real about your growth and your journey and your path. And and there's a lot of learning. So yes, get the book. I love talking to you. I always have. I've always felt we speak the same language and it's such a privilege. I really appreciate you having me on. I love having you on. Okay, thanks Matthew. Thanks everyone. Here's our new segment called Happy Endings where I get out with my producer Falguni and we just discussed the episode, what we just heard, what we

learned right after our guest leaves and I think there's some really great insights. So I hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think. Matthew Hussey is your guy. That's what happens. That's what he does. But I love watching the evolution of a man going through his life and being like, okay but now I've learned. I've become more vulnerable. I've learned to express my emotions. I actually got married in the course since I've seen him last and found love. So I just think it's a beautiful representation of someone we talk about doing the work and doing therapy. I saw like a even a deeper more soulful thoughtful Matthew Hussey. So then you know the last time he was on

it was just a Matthew is just I mean he's doing this since he was 19 years old. He's in his mid 30s now so he's got all the answers. You know, I get tons of dating questions and sex questions. So it's like, why'd he ghost? How do I write my dating profile? How do I even find someone getting people out of their toxic patterns? Like he's just a master at that. And I love that.

So that's the last time I had interviewed him, but now a few years later to see a much more vulnerable Matthew Husussie who's truly gone on a journey, done the work and has found love and actually gotten married was just incredible to interview this evolved version of him. I will say it's like you know when we were talking about this episode and his book you were really leaning into that and so I feel like maybe that wasn't a surprise for you but like was there anything that was a surprise? Oh a surprise for you, but like, was there anything that wasn't a surprise? Oh, a surprise. Well, I thought it was just loved hearing more

about the story of his wife and how here he is, this dating expert, whatever did the classic like version of you up, basically, I miss you. And I'm sure she was missing him too. And she was like laying it down and that she was the one leading. I thought that was an incredible story and it sounds like that really had such an impact on him and we saw the whole journey that it was like that was really vulnerable too to share that story you know and I thought that

he was maybe gonna say oh and then we got back together but nope 40 days went by it sounds like nothing and then he hit her up again and she's dating someone the whole thing. I liked that story, I was surprised by that, but really happy to hear that he has found love, and what a great illustration of, that story illustrates a lot of what he talks about in his book too.

Do you see any connective tissue? I know sometimes when you are interviewing people, and you're the sex expert, right? They're not necessarily the sex expert but oftentimes in relationships and dating and love there are through lines for all of it do you hear anything in your interview today that yeah there's so many through lines and at the end of the day I always say communication is a lubrication and he has a whole chapter awkward conversations I mean listen here's the

through line that most of what is keeping us all from having the sex life, the relationships, the love life that we want is our ability to know what we want, to truly deeply know what we want and then be able to express that to another person across the board. I think that that is just the through line. Like how do we get clear on what we want? How do we let go of people pleasing and wearing what everyone else thinks? Get clear on it and then be able to talk to someone. Yes, you might hurt their feelings.

It might not be perfect, but literally I have to be the master of my own chip. I have to be steering this. I'm in charge. I'm the leader. No one else is gonna do it for us. You know what else I loved, I will say too, is that- Don't you?

She's making me laugh. I love that you often the kinds of men especially that you like to have on your podcast are men that do the work and in this interview today I feel like you were able to extract from him very personal stories which I think was really cool to hear because it's aspirational. Yeah, well that's why I think it's important because I think a lot of men want to do the work or they hear about the work and they don't know. So the reason why I have Menon like that is because I think I just think it's such a great service to men. I mean to everyone, everyone to see that it is possible because men were so brought up with the opposite

like man up, don't have feelings, don't have emotions. So anytime we can see a man who's successful and respected and smart and also vulnerable is just really important. So those are the guys I tend to have on the show. Well I think it's important. I also feel like I wish I had heard from a guy's perspective like that whole story about his wife actually. I wish I had at one point in my dating life heard a story like that because it would have stopped me. It would have stopped me from sending that second text, the third text, like, hey, so what'd you think of my text? You know, like, it's like she laid down the line

and she laid down the line. And she stuck with it. I mean, that's amazing. I mean, that is such a great message for so many because we've all been there. And to be honest, I've been the one who sent the text. Like I miss you to get the attention. Like I've been more on the male side.

I think in many things people would say that. So I'd love to be shut down sometime. I mean, anyway, I wish I heard that perspective too. Cause I think in our generation, maybe and maybe all generations, it's like, be cool. It didn't matter. Oh, miss you too, babe. Hope you're doing great.

My life is so fun over here. Hope your life is fun too. And be casual and cool, like no big deal that you're texting me three weeks later. Even though we know that, cause I always like to think, well what if a friend did that? What if Felgeny in our friendship,

we were talking every day, we were good friends, and then all of a sudden I didn't hear from you, and then like a month later you're like, hey babe, what's up? I wouldn't be like, hey, I'm good. I'd be like, oh, I've been thinking about you. I miss you. How are you? So why should we lower the standards

or change what we expect from a friend or a family member? Why do we give people that we're dating so much leeway to make us feel bad and that we have to be cool? Why not be real? Right? You're right. We give people a runway. We give them a runway to like,

cause oh, there's some messaging out there. We put them on a pedestal or something. But it's what, you're right. It was you, I'd be real. We gave people a runway. Yeah, you're right. We gave them a runway to like, like, cause oh, there's some messaging out there. We put them on a pedestal or something. Yeah. But it's what, you know, that was the big moment that we actually had in our friendship if we're, you know, since we're talking about that. Let's be real.

Yeah, remember when I, like, I had asked you for something, but then I didn't hear from you and I was just like, hey, it's really hard for me to ask people for things. I'm so sorry if I, I mean, we just went into it. Yeah. And you were like, no, babe, I was just busy recording or whatever it is you were doing, you know? But I remember that to me was like the turning point.

But I always think that, I always think that in any relationship, there's always that turning point where it's like, okay, we've had a rift or something. The first difficult conversation on my end. Maybe it wasn't for you. Yeah, I know. You know what I mean? Yeah, no, I think so too. I think that we're so afraid of confrontation.

We're so afraid of actually saying what we want, the fear of rejection, which we all, I think we all deep down have a big fear of rejection, which is really a fear of being unlovable, being rejected. And that is like our great, I think that is probably humanity's greatest fear. And so that's why conflict is so hard for people, but I also respected that you said that.

And I was able to be like, oh my God, no, that's, you know, and I think once we do that, like you're saying in relationships, then we can repair. And I like to say relationships are not about perfection and everything going smoothly. They're about how do you repair it? And when you can repair a rift or you can have those kinds of conversations,

then those are your people. And you're my person. You're my person too. What were your takeaways? Did you have any takeaways from this conversation? I think my takeaways were from this conversation is that just really about that there's no more room for playing games, being cool, like waiting for someone to call you, that there's all these rules. It's just really about self-empowerment, self-assuredness and that if you are having a hard time dating, you're not finding your person, you know, people love to say the town there's the worst town to date and

everyone thinks they live in the worst town but I think that what we really learned is that we can all benefit from being really clear on what our values are, what we're looking for, what we will and will not tolerate. And once you start to look at that, it may be a lot easier to find people who are, you know, on board with what you're looking for. It's like that tank thing, right? It's like when he was, I love that the tank when he talked about how like the dolphins in the tank. Yeah, the dolphins in the tank. That was a big one about like,

and I love the thing in the tank, cause like it's like we all grew up, our tanks is our home, it's our family life, our caregivers, wherever we grew up. And for the first, in those early years when our brains were forming from age like one to 18, let's say you live with the same family, caregivers, brother, sisters, whatever, you have like this prefrontal cord test, you live with the same family, caregivers, brothers, sisters, whatever.

You have like this prefrontal cord test, you're a mental, it gets all still developing. So it makes sense that this is your world, the tank is everything. And then you go outside, it's like when you go to college, you go out in the world and you don't realize that everyone else does things differently.

Like that, and some of us still live in that tank. So to think that not everyone's been in my tank, I love that reflection. Think like maybe what I believe to be true, why this person gave me this look or said this thing, give them the benefit of the doubt. Ask a question rather than making assumptions. Cause we all grew up in our own tanks.

It's true. In my tank, I wasn't allowed to talk about sex. I wasn't even allowed to wear a bathing suit. Like that showed anything. That was my tank. So you have opened up my tank. Like the water has like come flooding into my tank where I'm like, okay. Go topless. Let's go. Go to That was my tank. So you have opened up my tank. The water has come flooding into my tank where I'm like, okay.

Go topless. Go topless to the tank. Do this naked. I love it, yeah. I'm sure you do that for a lot of people. Yeah, I hope I do. I hope I do, yes. And you know, a lot of the men that you have onto,

not to single them out, because women also actually really do say to you often that like they love being on this podcast because I do think you opened them up to talking about sex actually. In moments that maybe they're not even putting the connective tissue there. Yeah, I love making people feel safe

to realize that it's okay. Because also as we know that talking about sex is a practice. So the more at first you think you can't do it or it's hard, but the more you do it, the more comfortable it becomes. So anyone we have on the podcast, I love that they feel open and they share things they might not share elsewhere.

And this is a safe space for everybody because really we all learn from each other's stories. So the more vulnerable we can be and the more we can share, the more we're all gonna learn. I love it. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review

wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at SexWithEmily.com, and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to SexWithEmily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you?

Email me, feedback at SexWithEmily.com.