Sex With Emily - Finding Your Bedroom Voice w/ Lake Bell

Episode Date: December 6, 2024

When it comes to your sexual style, have you ever thought about your voice? Do you moan? Slow things down? Pitch up or down an octave?  Actor, writer and director Lake Bell is obsessed with the human voice. On today’s show, we’ll discuss her audiobook Inside Voice, which explores this obsession, including the “sexy baby voice” phenomenon - which happens to be her least favorite choice for bedroom talk. We also discuss your takes on dating in your 40s, and why things often get better with age when it comes to the pursuit of romance. All this and more with my amazing guest, Lake Bell. In this episode, you’ll learn: How your voice can enhance intimacy and authenticity in and out of the bedroom. Why playful and respectful communication is the key to better sex. The joys of dating in your 40s, from confidence to self-awareness. Show Notes: More Lake Bell: Instagram | X Lake Bell's Audiobook, Inside Voice: My Obsession with How We Sound: Audible | Pushkin Try the Enigma Wave Today! Visit lelo.com and use code “SEXWITHEMILY” at checkout for an additional 25% OFF any existing sales. Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Yes! No! Maybe? List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides.  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website  Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube Let’s text: Sign up here Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com

When it comes to that clitoris discussion, I almost was like, it could be within the sort of compliment sandwich report, but it also could be like, hey, like before we get any further, I just put your fucking vagina by his face and just be like, the bitch is here. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. When it comes to your sexual style, have you ever thought about your voice? Do you moan,

slow things down, pitch up or down an octave? Actor, writer and director Lake Bell is obsessed with the human voice. On today's show we'll discuss her new audiobook Inside Voice, which explores this obsession, including the sexy baby voice phenomenon, which happens to be her least favorite choice for bedroom talk. We also discuss dating in your 40s and why things often get better with age when it comes to the pursuit of romance. All this and more with my amazing guest, Lake Bell. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It just helps get the show out to more people and it only takes a few seconds. You can do it right now. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok,

X, Facebook, all at Sex with Emily and check out my new article Trending 2024 Pleasure Gifts for for pleasure gifts for lovers and friends on SexWithEmily.com. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Today, I want to talk to you about a part of the body that influences everything, the G-spot. Well, not that G-spot, your gut. Yep, your gut health can impact everything from your mood, sleep, energy levels, and even your sex life. So I've tried tons of probiotics over the years, refrigerated ones, drinks, you name it, but then I discovered Just Thrive. Here's the game changer. It is the only probiotic that

survives stomach acid and reaches your gut 100% alive. And let me tell you, I have felt the difference. No more bloating, more energy levels after meals, and my sleep? So much better. I get it, trying out a million different probiotics can be exhausting. I have been there. But the great thing about Just Thrive is they offer you a 100% money-back guarantee if you're not satisfied. Because they're so confident you're going to love it and you're going to love the results. From November 23rd to December 3rd, you can save 25% off sitewide at JustThriveHealth.com with promo code SWE. That's JustThriveHealth.com with promo code SWE. And they have a total body boost bundle deal going on right now, which includes Just Thrive's

amazing probiotic and vitamin K27. Be sure to use code SWE for 25% off. Give your gut the love it deserves and feel the difference for yourself. Lake Bell is an actor, director, writer, and voice obsessive. Her new audio book, Inside Voice, My Obsession with How We Sound, is an auditory exploration of how this piece of our identity serves as an X-ray of our personal histories.

Featuring iconic voices and a range of experts, including yours truly, Inside Voice goes deep on what is arguably our most undervalued personal trait. Follow Lake on Twitter and Instagram at LakeBelle. So LakeBelle, we talked, I think you messaged me and you said I'm doing this audio book, Inside Voice about your obsession with voices, which we'll get into. You said, I want to talk about the sexy baby voice, which is like that voice, which I just think you got to, you got to do it for us

right now. So, so just to help contextualize to all of the lovely listeners, which I am one, the sexy baby vocal affectation is the one that is quite prevalent in pop culture. You hear a lot on reality shows and whatnot. You know, I sort of coined it just to kind of help categorize it in a quick way. Right. So you go, okay, there's something kind of sexy about it, but then it's also kind of infantile as well. So those two things concurrently dancing together in the affectation. So it's pitch, which is way up there. So those two things concurrently dancing together in the affectation.

So it's pitch, which is way up there. So it's really high. And then it's vocal fry. And then it's also up talk. And so it's sort of like, that looks good on you. And so that thing, which I find fast, like truly extraordinary, which kind of like started, and I talk in the book, how it kind of like, it's seeded maybe from a place just in terms of pop culture from like kind of a Marilyn Monroe version.

But even before that, the precursor being kind of like Betty Boop, right? Who's very sort of sexualized, but it's also kind of like intended for kids. So it's like a confusing no-fly zone kind of. So that going to kind of the Maryland sound, which is very breathy, you know? Oh, piggy, you know? And then going up to Paris Hilton, who's like OG, you know, like OG quintessential, that's hot. You know, that's like that badass kind of like

pop culture reference that's almost exclusively voice. Sure, there's also visuals, visual component, but the voice is quite extraordinary. Well, you know what really made me think about this because I actually, I listened to your whole book, which I think everybody should do inside voice to audiobook, which I could just tell you put so much heart and soul into it, but this has been your like your passion. What I gathered was just that there's all these things that go into our voice, that you're collecting things from your, like everything that you pick up along the way about where

I grew up, how my parents talk, where I spent my summers. And it's funny doing this job for as long as I have, I never really thought about my voice and I would love to know more. You have such a beautifully unique voice in that you have a rasp and a quality to it that I find very sexy. And I think that a lot of people probably find for sexy. So it's very fitting to be able to ingest the information and the kind of education that we get from your podcast, but through this voice that feels like,

well, I'm an authority on this because I mean, God just listened to me, you know? Like, I mean, with a voice like this, you can imagine that I know what I'm talking about. I do think that sexy voice in general, if you took out the baby aspect of it, sexy voice is an interesting discussion point. It's surprising because, you know, women have a different thought, like they're thinking what they think a female sexy sound is, is different than perhaps maybe a man. If we, you know, talking about voice, we do kind of traverse some kind of gender territory.

And in the book, obviously, you know, we really get into that. I think a lot of people haven't maybe thought about how they are changing their voice. Is there certain people that you're with where you lower your voice? Or if you're on a date or you're on a business meeting, or how do you, or maybe, or should we?

Cause I'm such a like learner. I'm like, should I be doing that? Should I know more? Like, should I be more conscious of it? Like, would you say this is something that the takeaway, I mean, besides just being fascinating to think about your voice now is something else that we is uniquely ours.

When you, you're like, okay, I'm going on a date. I'm going to meet someone. I'm going for a job interview. Okay. I'm meeting someone for the first goddamn time. You have an opportunity here to, sure, choose your outfit, your hair, your makeup, how you present visually, and then how you present vocally. Are you a person who is going to authentically arrive with your sound as it

fell off the truck as who you are? And are you connected in your breath? Do you allow for your sound to be something that you find satiating and pleasant, that you're not going to self-loathe and criticize the sound of your own voice, because we're very disassociated with it. And then when we hear it, we dislike it. And so that I found so curious. And when you're thinking about meeting someone for the first time and sending a good impression, that's when we start to put on airs, right? You might lower your voice, you might heighten it a little bit. If you feel like you're in that gendered kind of bubble and you feel that if you have to be feminine or in touch with your feminine and you want to send that message, you know, you might speak a little higher and you might

be a little softer and think about your musicality. And then if you feel like you need to command an entire room of people, you might lower your register. What I find inherently interesting about that, I was like, well, I fucking like the lower voices in women. And I find that sexy. I feel sexy in my low voice in my lower register. I love Lauren Bacall.

I like Kathleen Turner's voice. It's like these are the voices that I found really sexy and powerful, but that said, there are certain female voices and female sounds that are higher in register that could totally be a turn on. It's not exclusive, it's not linear, it's not in a box. Yeah, well, what I love about this is what I do, but I never really thought about the lowering

and the changing my voice, which all I know for me, I really need to slow it down a lot. Like I talk really fast, and then when I slow down and I breathe, that's when I feel the most embodied and the most present and the most myself. I actually think that it's the most powerful thing that we can do.

And I've taken classes and I dabble in breath work, but I found that it's been the most transformational work that I've done, is like serious breath work. I might even say that hydration falls in there too. It sounds so dorky, but I think that in voice work, when we talk about connected sound, it really needs to be clear that if you have a high pitched voice, that's

nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not poo-pooing anything. I love voices. I like me some deep regional voices. I like some high pitched unique voices. I like a sibilance. I love an affectation or like an, if I hear someone with a strong lisp, I'm like, wow, how fantastically unique. The voice has so much character. And frankly, I've ironed out, and I talk about this in the book, but I've ironed out my New York sound based off of my own upbringing and certainly the culture that was around me. That's a socially learned thing to get rid of, quote unquote, your accent, to iron things out. People do it often. But if I had any hope and dream when it came to Inside Voice, I hope you'd think, okay,

so the message here is A, stay regional, stay true to your roots, don't iron shit out, stay true to your eccentricities and your uniqueness and your sounds. And then additionally, breathe more, drink more water, and then on top of it, be a better listener. I give myself that task as well. Most of us, as you say, and it's true, we don't want to even listen to the sound of our own voice. We have such disdain, but yet we care about all these other things like our outward appearance

and how we show up, but our voice is showing up wherever we go, but we don't wanna hear it. And so that's kind of have some other repercussions on that. So we don't even realize it. What is that about the fact that we just don't love our voice? Well, what you're hearing, what you hear as you speak, and as I speak right now, I'm listening to my voice, but I'm listening it through my skull.

And my skull is made up, obviously, our skulls are comprised of all these bones. And so the sounds are bouncing off of the eardrums and the bones in the skull. And so it sounds more resonant. It is totally altered what your ear is hearing. So that when you play it back, it's going to sound like a different person to you. And so people get really squeamish at the fact that that doesn't sound like how I think I sound, right? And so then it becomes kind of disorienting.

And I think therefore a bit of there's disdain. But after you listen, it's almost like exposure therapy that I always tell people to do. Like, for example, you don't love your body. Look in the mirror. Look at your body naked. Talk about things you love about it. I think that that would really be beneficial for people to have some exposure therapy with their voice. Like, take a listen to it. What can you learn from it? Right? Yeah. You're kind of doing that to yourself because you are, as a podcaster, you're listening to your voice all the time. I care for my voice.

I don't have negative feelings about it, but in the process of making this book, I'm really listening to it, and I'm in the studio, and I'm having to do hours and hours and hours. And sure, when I do a character or something, that's a character, so it's not me. This is, whoa, really intimate.

Really getting in there with my sound and starting to almost be feel disembodied from it. And then, you know, I get back in it again, but I've had to train myself to, you know, have moments. Even I can have moments where I'm unkind, you know. What about finding your authentic voice in the bedroom slash dating? Is that something that you think about or that came up for you? Like, how do you actually know where you use that voice strategically? I think we arrive in the bedroom thinking that it's this silent, nobody's really allowed to talk and that it's somehow we've arrived in this like sensual time.

And like in sexual sensual time, there's no, nobody can talk about what happened. You just have to do what the things are, you know, and you should know what to do. And if you don't know what to do, well, then you're an idiot. So I found my new thing is trying to be like really just Lake. Don't leave Lake at the door of the bedroom. Like stay in Lake because Lake is the person who's arrived in this sexual experience. So Lake is a little meta allowing for it to be in the room.

Now, obviously we don't need like a boner killer with me like doing a play by play. However, I will say that showing your partner out of the gate that you're comfortable vocalizing and using your real connected voice to say like, I like that. Oh, do you like that? You know, that kind of like conversation because obviously being sexual with someone is conversational in our bodies, so why not extend that to our sound? You don't have to have necessarily, I'm not going to be like, hey, baby, let me do like that. I'm not going to not sound like

me, but I'm also not going to be like, okay, here we go. Right. Like, to look like you got a bullhorn, like people how I assume I am when I have sex with someone is like, aren't guys intimidated? I'm like, I'm not sitting there with a bullhorn going like to the left, to the right, dude. Like, that's not my clitoris. What the fuck you doing? Like, I don't do that. But people assume you have this voice that's very like authoritative in the bedroom. But again, you got to find your authentic voice.

Like who are you and what feels good to you and- It's more about respect, isn't it? It's like, you gotta I think I've learned that, you know, it's like feedback is great, as long as it's really couched in love and respect. This is showing the other person that you're confident enough and excited to have a great experience with them. And here's how we can do that. Like it's based in playfulness and curiosity, in presence. You could tune out and not be present and then not say anything. But I think that being vocal is cueing to the other person

that you're present. Yeah, exactly. And that is a practice. Like there's so many people who are like mute to the bedroom. I often hear this, do more from Volvo owners who like don't wanna say a practice. There's so many people who are mute to the bedroom. I often hear this, do more from Volvo owners who don't wanna say a word, they don't know how to, they just feel some shame around it. And I just always tell people to practice,

practice outside the bedroom. How would it even feel to start to moan or start to feel yourself when you're masturbating? So I think there's nothing like being in the bedroom with someone when they're not making any noise. They're like, are you alive? Are you enjoying this? And sometimes when I'm getting even distracted,

like in the moment or when I'm having sex, which still happens to me, everybody, I still get in my head. I'm still worrying about shit in the bedroom. But what I would say to my partners is I'll just be like, okay, babe, we got to stop, breathe. And we'll literally look at each other, stop everything. And then just take a few deep breaths,

maybe five deep breaths, and you immediately reset. And then I think you have fewer worries and you can start from where you're at. That's a hot tip actually. I like that. They're like, oh, okay, she wants to be really present and she's also calling herself out so I don't have to. Right. I call myself out all the time, maybe to a fault, but I'm like, that was me. That was my bad. I'm like, babe, I was distracted. I missed the whole thing. Like you're already dead. We're already got my pants. I'm naked. I don't know what happened here. Let's just stop. I'll be like, can we reset? What happened? Did we have fun? Was I having fun? Let's reset.

When you're in a relationship and a committed relationship, there's a trust. And so, and there's a little bit of autopilot that we're all guilty of where you're like, okay, like, you know, the kids are in bed, like, this is our moment. Okay, go of, where you're like, okay, like, you know, the kids are in bed, like, this is our moment. Okay, go through the motions and like, yes, I know how he likes this and I know how he likes that. And she knows I like that. And you're in a safe place. But you're like, am I actually, am I feeling pleasure and presence in this moment? And you're like, maybe not. That's exactly it. You get into the motions and you just gotta kind of reset.

And also, Emily, it's like that thing. It's really nice to hear that maybe you're not in the mood right now. The beauty of you being like, we started the party and like now I'm kind of like, I realize I'm not into it right now. You know what I mean? Love you, I know.

Well, let's reprise at another time. But like, I also want to talk to you about this. So dating in your 40s and what that's like, we also put it out to our listeners and want to get to that in a second about what they said, because I was like, let's just ask them what they think and we could talk more. But when you're dating, how important is voice? Like, do you hear someone's voice right now? Do you check about an app? Like, is is that, could that be a deal breaker? Is that something that you think that we should be looking at as well?

For me personally, I'm so sorry, but it is really important. I can just be attracted to someone based off their voice alone. I can be repelled by someone's voice a lot. So I have that and I know that's not everyone, but you know, we all have our things. It is less about looks for me frankly like I don't care what size shape or whatever you are but the voice is big for me so

if it's a really if it's a confident and kind of unique voice I'm listening but it's also chemical right? Voice has chemical flavors to it too so So you're like, Ooh, I don't know why I like that. Sometimes it's nostalgia. You know, you're like, gosh, I feel so safe and comfortable with this person because you're not realizing it, but they sound exactly like your favorite teacher in junior high or whatever. You know, you don't know what it is, but there's something there. Sometimes other things are at play. Is this something that's always been important to you with the voice or is it more like so lately with age? Like how have things changed?

I have to be honest. So voice has always been a factor for sure. Like I'm really, I cannot be attracted to someone sexually if I'm not into their voice. And that has been from a young age to now. I just imagine that will continue. And I'm like, is that kink? No. I'm like, that I have like voice obsessive? It's a deep wisdom of knowing yourself, of knowing also that it's okay. Like there's certain things that I know

that need to be okay. Like someone who's, you know, passionate about things in life, someone who knows themselves, somebody who is more positive than negative. You know, there's all these things. I think the more we embrace it and say, this is what I want, it makes it a lot easier. So you're not, I mean, that's part of the wisdom of dating in your forties. I actually put it out to my listeners and I want to see if you agree

with some of these things. I just said, like, what are the pros to dating in your forties? And what are the cons? And like, tell me if there's any of these you want to like press a pin and you're like, oh yeah. Okay. So this is what people said. And we had some themes. You've higher standards, you're less willing to tell right nonsense, you're quicker to call a stop to it. It's so much fun.

I'm thankful I get to date now that I really know myself. I'm confident in my body. I don't take bullshit. I would say this, okay, all of these are kind of the same. They fall under a similar umbrella, which is you're dating as a more evolved you. So I concur, you are less likely to put up with bullshit. But that's because you are less likely to put up with your own bullshit,

and will call yourself on those things. So you're aware of all of your warts and you, you know, and you are dealing with them actively or have gotten through some of them. So you're aware of all of your warts and you are dealing with them actively or have gotten through some of them. So you arrive at someone else's personship and you are standing in front of them as being like, I know what my shit is. And then you get to, if someone is like, oh, I don't know, I'm still vacillating between like my youth and like, like mantra. I'm like, yeah, it's not going to work out. I just don't have any time for it.

I'm not interested in it unless I'm a grown ass woman and I'm not apologizing for it. And I also feel like I always was kind of excited to get to be 40. I remember people being nervous about turning 30 and I was like, I feel like I've always been 30. And then finally, when I was 30, I was like, I feel like I've always been 30. And then finally when I was 30, I was like, yeah, I know. And then at 40, I was a little like, I was scared. I think that there's something, poor women, like we really get it so hard and we really get in our head about that 40 sound and same with 50.

But I think 50, everyone gets over it by that point. But 40, ugh. I mean, 40's hard, but then you're 50 and then you wish you were 40. My mom says 50 is the best. My mom is like, you don't even know how good it's gonna get. I love your mom. And I was like, okay. I mean, she did do it like that.

She's very soft spoken. It gets me. I hear her now in my head. It's true. We'll be right back after a short break. But first I got to tell you about LELO because they released something amazing and you're gonna love this.

It's called the Enigma Wave and it's basically a triple stimulation superstar. So this is a sonic massager and it hits all the right spots. The insertable tail uses their signature wave motion technology to mimic a finger-like motion on your G-spot while the sonic waves and gentle pulses stimulate your entire clitoral area, your G-spot and your clitoris all at once. It's like getting all the pleasure everywhere at the same time.

And it has eight powerful settings so you can go from a little bit teasing, you can edge yourself to a really satisfying pulse, just depending on your mood. Plus it's made from extra soft, body safe silicone and yeah, it's waterproof so whether you're in the bed or the bath, the Enigma Wave is ready to deliver you unforgettable blended orgasms. And the best part? Just for you, LELO is offering 25% off with My Code Sex with Emily at checkout. Just head over to LELO.com, that's L-E-L-O dot com, use code SEX WITH EMILY for 25% off head over to lalo.com, that's L-E-L-O.com,

use code SEX WITH EMILY for 25% off, or just click the link in the show notes. Trust me, you don't wanna miss this one. You know how I'm always saying that sexual health is just as important as mental and physical health? Well, now's your chance to help science catch up. The Magic One study is here and it's breaking new ground. Literally a first of its kind study analyzing how using a vibrator, specifically the Magic Wand

rechargeable, can improve your quality of life. We're talking boosted sexual desire, better sleep, less stress, improved self-confidence, and more intimate relationships. And yes, you heard me right, you can masturbate for science. Here's how it works. Participants in this three-week study will receive a free Magic Wand rechargeable. Plus, you'll be entered to win $250. All you need to do is complete a daily survey for 21 days and use the wand for one week of consecutive sessions. Fun homework, right?

If you're 18 or older, have a vulva, and live in the US or Canada, visit magicwandstudy.com to sign up before January 5th. That's magicwandstudy.com. Let's make history, one orgasm at a time. I just feel like the dating in your 40s is so freeing because you are in a situation where you're like, oh, I've already done so much hard work and I am going to continue to do so, but I'm aware that I'm continuing to do so and I'm not ashamed of it.

It's very sexy when someone else is like, oh, yeah, I am acutely aware of all of my stuff and I am actively addressing it. People who've done their work, right? People who actually know who they are. They're not just sort of trying to figure out who they are. And like you were saying earlier, like they've got one foot in like their childhood,

like maybe I wanna do this and maybe I wanna do that. At this point, they already know I am challenged around commitment or I'm challenged around whatever, like just say it. Yeah, or on the path because you don't have to know who you are, period. You have to be like actively working for me. That's me.

I'm like, you have to be like acutely aware because frankly, we should be so lucky that we get to continue to discover and evolve throughout all these fucking decades. You're right. You're on the journey because you never get there. You're never there, but it's always a journey, but at least they've taken the step on the path. I mean, aging is a privilege because you know what the opposite of aging is dying.

That would suck. So who cares? You got some gray hairs, you know, your skin, you got to constantly deal with the goddamn skin and all this shit and you just have to stay on top of your own, you know, love thyself, you know, kind of thing so that you're not beating yourself up. And I wouldn't want to go back in time either. I don't want to be any of those ages at all. You're like the hottest you've ever been, let's be honest. I feel like I am so much more complete than I've ever been in all the areas. Going back to our listeners, a lot of people want to know about dating with kids. They want to know

what about single with kids? How to navigate a single dad that can only get together once a week? Are you dealing with that now? Yes. And it's fabulous because thank God, I love dating people with children because I'm like, they won't be available sometimes. And that is joyous. You get to date and be like, hey, guess what you're going to do during the times that he's busy. You get to do shit for you.

Being unavailable is beautiful with, intermittently for me in a relationship. I cannot have someone who is like all over my shit trying to move in like the whole thing. By the way, I understand the terms can always change. I might meet someone and go like, move in right away. But I also think that in this time in my life, I am very much attracted to people who are really standing on their own two feet and responsible and generous to themselves too.

Like they are doing their work as we keep bringing up. They're doing their work. They're actively doing it. And part of that is maintaining being a good parent and doing their share in their other relationship, which is with their baby mama. Right? I'm really into that. If they have like a good relationship with their ex, I'm like, that's hot. I'm in that situation now too. I'm like, it's amazing when the ex is happy. Like you want them to have a good relationship and they get along. Like that is the best case scenario.

I just want to admit that yes, I understand that it is very, it's a tough pill to swallow. Like if you have a very challenging relationship with your ex and then the person you're dating has like a dreamy relationship with their ex, it's disorienting. However, if you zoom back and you look in, you go, oh my God, thank God I'm not dealing with a crazy person on both sides. So you just look at it like that, allow yourself to just be like, it is a blessing. But I do respect and understand the perspective because I was in a rapport at one point, a relationship where like the guy I was dating was kind of like, oh, I don't

understand how it is that you and Scott are so awesome and comfortable and friends. And I was like, I don't, how? And I just realized, oh, he doesn't have that. So it feels very like foreign. I really respected that. I can't kind of say, don't you get it? Just fucking get it. You know, it's like, that's not nice. That's not sensitive because it's hard. It's very hard to understand if you don't have it, but it totally exists. Exactly. And maybe you can inspire him that it's possible because I think that that's kind of a

newer ish thing. I don't know. My parents will get that when they're divorced, they got along, but I think now we're seeing it more than ever. But gosh, hopefully you love this person, you want the best for your kids. Hopefully you can have a positive relationship with them. At least work on it. Lastly on that, I just would say if you're dating someone and you're like in a situation where your relationship with your ex is just looking real shitty comparatively to them and their ex, and it's really disheartening. The person you're dating will probably be supportive. Don't look away from that support because I remember trying to support the person I was

with and say like, hey, let me be a teammate in you and your ex. It's only weird if you make it weird. You're just doing it for the kids anyway. And frankly, you're doing it for all of you because whether you like it or not, you're all in a relationship of some extended, it just is what it is, right? Like my parents are divorced and we're like, when someone gets married or there's a graduation, it's like they're all fucking there, you know, all the remarriages. So we're all in it together guys. So if we could just not fight, that would be, I think, better for our blood pressure. Absolutely. I think that's just the more of the modern way too, right? It's not just this linear, you know, family. I think that a lot of us have the X's and the things around

it. The more you can handle that. And that's the stuff interesting to test in the beginning. Okay. So we get a lot of emails as you know, but we also get some voicemails. And I thought because you are the voice expert, Fischi Dotto, this is your passion, we brought some voicemails. And I thought it could just be interesting to get your perspective too and see how we can answer this question. This is Amanda and she's 35 and she lives in the West Coast. Really struggling with this off and on relationship. Finally met someone that I feel like I have a perfect connection with love to do all the same thing sex is

Unbelievable best I've ever had really intimate connection deep But the one glitch is that this person male not interested likely in having children in the future And I myself don't want to take that off the table So both of us are having a really hard time trying to figure out whether to continue to explore this relationship or let it go based on our long-term goals, even though we really care about each other. Just looking for any advice that might help us navigate this, whether we should let it go or whether we should continue to explore and have more conversations and see what happens. Thanks so much, Emily. Your show's awesome. Love listening to it. Take care. Bye.

All right. I know. So sweet. Okay. I like it because I think out of the gate, I can tell, you know, I mean, first of all, you're 35 years young and I do hear you. I think women, especially at 35, are kind of like, what am I going to do if I haven't had kids yet? Like, yeah, this is it. The genuine truth is, is like, I guess I had my first kid at 35 and then my second at 37. But it's kind of like my buddy just had a baby, she's 41. I don't know, you know, it's it. If you could take the baby out of the conversation, unless she's secretly kind of wanting it like tomorrow. I feel like there's enough there to stick with it. Yeah. But to me, I guess I feel like at this age, as you get 35, you get a bit... Like in my 20s, I could date the people that were so wrong for me for years. Like, I don't know.

You're right. You're right. You're right. You're right. But I'm like, I'll date this DJ for as long as I want to. It's a good time. But it wasn't right. And it didn't, you know, I had more time. Girl, you're right. You're right. This is what I want. I actually want kids and you don't wait around for them to change.

You're so right because here's the deal. What I like about, I think I initially went, oh, because she sounds really young to me. Her voice sounds really young. But 35, you get to definitely stamp yourself a woman, a grown woman, which is nice, grown ass woman, you know, own it. And then I really, I hear you and I feel convinced because what I like what she did was advocate for herself. She said what she needs. That's so fucking hard for women sometimes. They're like, Hey, I would like to have children like soon. That's such a hard, hard conversation that she had to have. I give them props for

being honest and saying, I really don't think I want children because that's also a difficult thing to say out loud. It's like, I definitely don't need someone to take care of me financially. I just want to make sure that they can financially take care of themselves. You know what I'm saying? They don't feel like they're on the ups and figuring out their, you know, place in the world. That's very helpful. Let's do one more. This is from Sarah 31 in Washington, DC. I've been in a really amazing relationship for two years with my male partner who is just so kind and loving and he really turns me on a lot of the time.

But since we first started dating, pretty much for the duration of our relationship, he has this kind of persona in the bedroom that feels really inauthentic. And I've noticed that I've kind of tried to guide him towards being a little more present when we're having sex. I've shown him how to text my clitoris probably a hundred times, and he just still doesn't get it. And my analysis is that he seems to just be really stuck in his head. I'd love your advice for how to work on our sex life and maybe I need to stop being so prescriptive about what he might need to be more pregnant. Okay. Thank you so much.

I appreciate you. Emily, go. I'm so curious to hear what your point of view is on this because I know this. I've been in a similar scenario. Oh my God. I wish you guys could see Lake's face. She's like nodding going, yes, I get this. Yes. Yes. I'm so glad for this question. I mean, wait, right. I want to hear this too, because basically she says she's been dating this guy. She's 31. She says it feels very inauthentic in the bedroom, which is just interesting to think of like what inauthentic,

and I think it's probably not present. I think it's this. She's saying he has a persona, a sex persona. So like for instance, they're awesome, they're fun, they're having a great time. You know, they're sexually attracted to each other as well, but his sort of like sex presence, his sex character that he likes for him is kind of like put on. And so for her, she's going, ohOh, I don't recognize that guy as much as the guy who's just hanging out with when we were having dinner.'" It's kind of quasi porn related, but in my view, I've always been like, "'This is making them feel hot.'"

And yet she's sort of like, "'How do I say it in a way that's not like totally bursting the bubble of the guy who's like, "'Dude, I like that fucking poor nasty guy who comes into like that turns me on, you know? Right. This is your turn on. So it sounds like to me that this is like conversations that happen outside the bedroom about their sex life. It's been two years. So I think it's like, it's almost like a state of the union. It's like a state of your sex union. And I think that every couple needs to have this the sooner the better. Maybe you bring in some highlights like your company report at the end of it, like a quarter.

Highlights, company report. We hit our numbers. I had orgasms, you had orgasms. This is great. But areas to improve is, you know, no, I think it's like, this is what you love. You talk about the highlights. It feels so connected. These are the things I like.

And I always want to talk about, what's happening in the bedroom, because sometimes I would say like, I feel like when you show up as this certain way, where I know that you seem so embodied and it seems like it's such a turn on and it's hot to see you that turned on, babe. However, there's something about it that feels like, we're having someone else here

and I don't think I called for a threesome yet. Do you feel that like men who have watched a lot of porn, they do kind of think, oh, that's now my turn on. Like I now am kind of programmed. Absolutely. I do think that also for many Volvo owners too, that guys are with them and they're like, I swear to God, she's coming in and look like she was reading a script or trying to make a porn star the way she was moving, but it wasn't real. And I think the same thing goes for guys, because I think that if you look at this,

if it's the only way that they're having sex mostly, like the most of the sex they've seen, maybe they learned about it, you know, they learned watching porn. And so all you've been seeing is the input of porn. This thing's happening, he's choking her, then he says this thing, you bitch get on your knees. Like that's what you do.

I don't even question it. And it might've been an integration that was sort of subliminal that they didn't even realize. And so maybe when Sarah points it out to him, he'll be like, oh, I didn't even know that. Like I guess for me, you wanna be people that are self-aware too. I would love that to be a great note to everybody.

Like be with someone who can take feedback who genuinely wants to be open. Cause the people are gonna be like, not able to take feedback is not your partner or anything. I think that what you said really was really wise is like when you do your conversation that you always start, even when I'm like writing a script or something

and someone's giving me notes or I'm giving someone else notes, you always start with the positive. I know that's a really basic thing, but really don't forget it. You start with the sugar. So when you're saying all the good stuff and I love that, you know, it's can be sexy and great. And then just genuinely like feedback about the other things that you'd love to

talk about. And you know that it's a flow back and forth. You tell me stuff too. Such a good reinforcement here. It's like the compliment sandwich, like say something nice, give the case something complimentary, give the feedback. Like it's nestled in between two, you know, compliments. And then you end it with like all the things you love.

And then just to address really quickly her orgasm part. She said, I sort of shown her my clitoris a hundred times and he doesn't get it. I think that that's also confusing for people when we're like, I've told my partner a million times. And I think this would be another thing to bring up outside the bedroom. You could say, you know, I brought up this a lot, like how important it is for me to have clitoral stimulation and I realized it's not really happening that much. And I'm just curious.

I'd love to know more about that. Is it that maybe you're not really sure how I like to be touched? Could I show you more where the clitoris is? And maybe sometimes our partners need education. Like literally for so many Volvo owners, you're not going to have arousal, you're not going to have an orgasm, you're not going to feel attached to your partner if they're not doing things that genuinely, authentically and really like it's a requirement for many of us that we need that stimulation. So I think letting them know that like which part of clitoris didn't you understand? When it comes to that clitoris discussion, I almost was like, it could be

within the sort of compliment sandwich report, but it also could be like, hey, like before we get any further, I just quit your fucking vagina by his face and just be like, the bitch is here. This is her and I'll just like touch myself while I touch you, you know, or something. It could be like in the room a little bit, you know? No, I love that because I'm a huge fan of mutual masturbation. And so, because then you get to learn and it's hot. You could be like giving a hand job and you could be like, well, I'm doing that. Or while you're giving yourself a hand job masturbating, I'm going to show you how I touch my clitoris because then they're learning like, oh, I didn't get

it. This is what you do. So there's a lot of workarounds. I wouldn't assume here that he's totally ignoring her because you told him 20 times, but sometimes it's harder to move along. This is so good, Lake. This is very, very helpful. I could do these with you all day. I know. I know. I'm like, this is great. This is just like girl talk. It's really fun. That's what we love. Okay. But Lake, I'm going to ask you the five questions we ask all of our guests. They're quickies. Okay, so just whatever comes to your mind. What's your biggest turn on? Confidence. Biggest turn off?

Pushiness. What makes good sex? Safety. What's something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships? Speak up. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? It's a physical conversation. It's not a one-sided monologue.

I love that. So good, Lake. Thank you so much for being here. Tell everyone where they can find you, where they can find your audio book. It is such a great list. And everyone, I highly recommend it. Join me in listening to Inside Voice

on Audible or Apple Books or Libro or anywhere audios are sold. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email.

So sign up on sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline, 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739, or just go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you?

Email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com.