Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: I Saw My Partner’s Porn History

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

You’re in my Hotlines today, and Producer Erica and I are taking your calls! Today’s theme: conversations you need to have with your sex partners. First, how long should you wait to tell casual sex partners you’re sleeping with other people? We’re all up-leveling our communication skills, so I make the case for telling them immediately. Next, she’s on ADD medication and likes a drink or two – is it negatively affecting her orgasm? Or should her partner have a deeper conversation with her about turn-ons? After that, we’ve got a young couple who just started having oral sex. She’s sore afterwards -- is it a medical condition or underlying shame? Finally, she just discovered her partner watches porn… and the subjects don’t look like her. How can she talk to him about it without judgment?See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.Show Notes:How to Master Lotus PositionHow To Meditate, Masturbate, Manifest Like a ProMorgasm CBD Arousal LubricantPlayground LubeFeeld Dating AppSHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureWant more? Sex With Emily: HomeLet’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok Let’s text: Sign Up HereWant me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

A lot of Volvo owners feel this really intense pressure to orgasm and they just say, you know what, I'm not going to get there, it's okay that you're having a good time and I can tell you if somebody who used to do that until I was about 35 years old, I just told that part of it was my orgasm didn't matter and I wanted them to have pleasure. It's because I didn't know that there was more possibility. I didn't know how to communicate that to a partner that it was okay to take time, that I could let my partner know what I needed, and so I would expand the conversation with her beyond just the alcohol and the medication. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you

prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. The hotline is ringing, and we're taking your calls. Today, so appreciate them and love answering them. Seriously, I love answering them. It is a blast. As a reminder, you can learn more about the things that you can do. You can also learn more about the things that you can do. You can also learn about the things that you can do. You can also learn about the things that you can do. You can also learn about the things that you can do. You can also learn about the things that you can do.

You can also learn about the things that you can do. You can also learn about the things that you can do. You can also learn about the things that you can do. You can also learn about the things that you can do. You can also learn about the things that you can do. not look like you. Please please please leave your voicemails. We so appreciate them and love answering them. Seriously, I love answering them. It is a blast. As a reminder, you can leave your voicemails at 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739 and you can always change your name and your voice if you say so in your message. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new articles, How to Master Lotus Position,

and How to Meditate Manifest Masterbait Like a Pro. Are up on sexwithemily.com. Alright, everyone, enjoy this episode. We can wait for clean water solutions, or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures, or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth, or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow.

Join us at yorku.ca slash right the future. This is from an anonymous female 30 in Nashville. Here is my question. When I am just looking to have some casual fun with people go on dates but not looking for relationships, at what point does it make sense to tell someone that I am sleeping with other people? Sometimes it will come up in conversation, not necessarily like, hey are you sleeping with people? But more like, oh, what's your experience been like on the app? Are you seeing other people? So then back then it comes up naturally, but I feel like it's a little more awkward to ask

if people are sleeping with other people. And I don't know, I'm not worried about safety, like I'm being safe, I'm using protection, doing all of those things, but I guess I'm just wondering what the rules are and am I obligated to tell someone that I'm seeing other people or should I not mention it unless they ask? I would love to know what you think. Thanks so much. Anonymous, you are helping so many people here by just leaving this question. So I help all of you know that too. If you're considering, should I call Dr. Emily and leave a question? Yes, other people will also benefit, but let's help an animus right here. This is the world we live in right now. More and more people are dating than ever before, but the rules are not set in stone. You really get to decide, you know, what's right for you and what's

right for your partner, and we're also developing a consciousness around it. but I believe it's important to communicate honestly and openly that you're seeing other people. In fact, I would posit that if you're going out at a date with someone on a dating app, assume they're dating other people, assume they're sleeping with other people. Sorry to burst your bubble here, but you're probably not the first date they've gone on.

Unless they tell you they are, or like I just went through a breakup last week and you're the first, let's assume they're swiping like you're swiping. So just know that going into it, okay? So I want everyone to just kind of ground in that fact and don't let that be a deterrent necessarily. I think we often expect like we had a great first date.

Why aren't they off the apps yet? You have to have that conversation with somebody like are we getting other people and are we gonna delete our app profile and all the things. First, I'm gonna say this, there's a few reasons why I think you should let people know that you're saving other people. First, let them know that you're being safe. If you are, I hope you are being safe, and that you're saving with other people. And if you guys aren't asleep together, that you hope that they're using protection as well.

And it's also important to lay it out to make sure that you're on the same page with each other, that your expectations are clear, that you have the same values that you're on the same page with each other that your expectations are clear that you have the same values that you're looking for the same things right now. So the sooner you can have these conversations the better. So I guess she's asking like, when should I do it or if I should do it? I think as soon as you first date, second date,

you can let them know that I'm dating a few people right now. I'm seeing a few people and eventually maybe I'd like to find one person, but right now I found it really helpful for me to date other people and figure out what I like and how I'm in a relationship. And so that's where I'm at right now. So tell me about your experience

or how does that land with you? Anything there's nothing wrong with being really transparent like that because if people are gonna freak out, they can say, well, I can't believe you told me that or why are you dating someone or then you know that this person probably isn't the person for you because they're not in a place where they want to be honest and open and they have expectations aren't really realistic. Now, listen, it might take someone to beat. They might react that way and then say, oh, you know what?

I think I'm not really used to hearing that. You could give them opportunity. You can explain to them where you're at and maybe they would come back and be oh, you know what? I think I'm not really used to hearing that. You could give them opportunity, you can explain to them where you're at and maybe they would come back and be like, you know what? I got defensive. So I'm not saying she's done them right away. I'm always very careful about that. But if you are with someone who's like very opposed to it, then you just find out

that this isn't the person on my dating path. And I think just by saying I'm dating other people, to me, I assume you may say, what do you think? I agree with that. Yeah, that's a good question of when you should have this conversation. Obviously, outside the bedroom. Well, I guess that's the where. But for me, I'm wondering if it's a situation where you didn't necessarily meet on an app

and have an official first date. What if you met at a bar and you hooked up that night? Then when is a good time to have that conversation. Great question, I think that's the same thing. If you just met him at a bar, then the same rules apply. Just because you met someone at a bar and you're going at a date, it doesn't mean that you're not dating anymore as well.

So just say, I've met some people and I'm dating. If someone agrees to go on a date with you, you just can't assume that that's their first date ever. So yeah, I think that even if you just met up with them, not through a nap, I think it's still important to have the conversation about you dating other people right away. And outside the bedroom, you don't need to have the conversation

in the bedroom after you had sex, but important to have it. And then ask them. I think that's all important to make sure you're having safe sex, to make sure you're both on the same page. I don't think you need to get into the details of the other people you're seeing.

Of like, oh, I had such a fun day with this other person last week or like, oh, I tried this move with someone else. I mean, then less, you both are very open about the casual sex part in particular. That's an important part that you really do not. And in fact, I encourage you not to share details about the sex you're having or even who the person is or their name or how you

Met or how it's going because you just met this other person as well too I mean, you've been dating them for a few months, but I think that stuff can really be a distraction To the partner and they might be just comparing themselves Gulling them, you know, it can trigger others first off just knowing that you're seeing other people So I think less Information is better and also I just want to be clear here that this is not necessarily common practice right now, which is why anonymous is asking us this question. I think we're all sort of trying to figure out what is the right way to

handle stuff like this. But I'm all for this becoming common knowledge, common sense, let's just be really honest and the point about who we are, where we're at, and what's going on with us. So there's no surprises. If you're really honest with someone about how it's going, like I'm dating other people, but I'm really excited for this date and meeting you, I think that's a lot healthier and leaves a lot less drama

and worry and like think of all the time you spend with someone when you don't talk about this, which again has been the norm. But then you're dating someone for three months and you're not talking about the relationship you had and you're not defining the relationship and then you're just obsessing probably like are the things we don't really like then we have a great connection. Why not put it all out there right away? So you have all this really useful information so you can decide, can I handle this? Because also you might be someone who's like, you know what, I'm out. I can't sleep with someone if they're sleeping with somebody else. Although I think that that's something that we can learn

to live with, but we don't have a practice learning it. I think we tell ourselves, that's a deal breaker. I want to be the only one. And that's just not the reality these days. Yeah. And I think sometimes it can be really hard to be the only one, and that's just not the reality these days. Yeah. And I think sometimes it can be really hard to be honest with people, especially for us people, pleasers out there. But giving someone the wrong idea about your intention, it is being dishonest at the end of the day and not really being fair to your partner, even if that's one of several partners. How do you think the dynamic works if one person is dating other people

and one person isn't? Well, I think it's a great question because I think that's gonna happen a lot actually. We're assuming you're that everyone's having a lot of sex and by the way, I can't wake up without reading a study about how much sex we're not having in the world right now. Every day, there's like, we're having like a sexless generation right now. So I just feel like like, the sexless generation. We're having like a sexless, yeah, a sexless generation right now.

So I just feel like we have to be prepared for that. And so I really don't think that it changes, but if you're the person that's not sleeping with anybody, I think that just practicing taking in sensitive information like this and not making it about you, not making it about your shortcomings or this person should stop sleeping with everybody because we're on a date together.

And I think that for my generation, we started dating, I think that we were on the dark about that or we did sort of assume that people weren't because it was just safer. But now that I'm saying we should all talk about it. And then we just learned that, yeah, you just met this person. You're on the first, second, third date. And they're dating someone else. And now you're in this person. You're on the first second third date and they're dating someone else and now you're in the mix. And as long as you guys continue to have a healthy conversation about how it's going and where it's at, I think that that's the healthiest

thing you can do. Now, it's also okay if you decide that that's just not your person because I want to just honor the fact that there's many people who don't want to have multiple partners who just want to sleep with one person at a time and they spend a lot of time getting to know someone, for example, maybe they go on six dates, you know, they date for three months. That's your path. It's not necessarily everyone else's path,

so either you can decide that I'm not gonna date people sleep with anyone else. I'm just gonna find people who are more like minded and share my values around dating that they're a one person at a time kind of data. And so I can say, is you're making your life a lot easier by having these conversations

and having these values early on because then you just get to move on and say, okay, this person has another path to dating. They're gonna sleep with other people and I'm not. So I think just getting it on the table and deciding as you go is the healthiest things we can do right now. And I think it's okay, even if you're the person who's only sleeping with them,

if you feel casual about it, if it is a casual situation for you, I think like many sexual situations, there's no problem if neither of you have a problem with it. I think especially in this day and age, it's super important to be super transparent and honest. And I also find that if you both kind of feel like you're on the same page and it hasn't really posed a problem, none of you feel the need to bring it up. Maybe nothing needs to be said. Well, how about we just decide like we're trying to answer anonymous here. So clearly,

it's important to her. Yes. So she should bring that up. But just like everything, if there's two people together who truly, truly are like, I don't want to know. I like you. I don't care what you do when we're not together. Then in that pairing, it won't come up. So I don't want people to feel that they have to do this. But what I've found is that in the aggregate, more so than not, people want to know if they're sleeping with someone. What else is going on? I do feel like even if I know that my partner, like you said, we can probably assume

that our partners are sleeping with other people on this day and age, I feel like I don't need to hear about it. I'm like, I know, but I don't need to like, I know. That's also fair. If I were to be on the receiving end. Okay, so if you are on the receiving end and someone said to you, Erica, are you dating other people, would you just say, you, I guess you would answer correctly and then maybe you wouldn't

ask the question back because you were really out. Right. Right. In the moment, you'd be like, yeah, I am. Yeah. Done. Again, I just am giving you guys permission and telling you that it's okay to have the conversations about what it looks like

to communicate and to be open about what kind of partner you're looking for and what the dating is all about because what's happened in recent years is we've, there's been a big shift. 30 years ago, 20 years ago, there was this assumption that we're all dating to be committed.

We're all dating, even our 20s. From marriage. From marriage. We're dating from marriage. And so there was no room to be committed. We're all dating, even our 20s. From marriage. From marriage. We're dating from marriage. And so there was no room to think about. Well, I'm going to like in my 20s, stay single, date a bunch of people, and then see how I feel at 30. Like, these were not conversations that people were having.

So now, in current generations, it's a whole new, like, Wild West, there's no, like, set dating rules. But what we're defining is that we are dating around more. We're delaying marriage. We found ourselves at a new frontier and people are changing how they date, but we don't have like 50 years of going back to what it was like. Right now in real time, there's more dating apps

than ever. There's more single people than ever. People are delaying marriage. People are exploring their sexualities. There's just conversations around sex and commitment and alternative relationships that just wasn't coming up before. And it's not because these people weren't having these thoughts or they weren't wanting to talk about it, it just wasn't as accepted.

Mm-hmm. But I think society is now in a wonderful place where we have podcasts. We have people being more open, they're sharing it on YouTube. They're like talking about on their social media that we're seeing more Examples of what it looks like to have truly authentic Honest conversations with people no matter what kind of relationship we have with them like whether we're learning how to communicate with our parents People we work with our partners our friends, right? There's just more information now about being a good listener, a good partner,

about toxic relationships and all this buzzwords. It's like, I'm seeing on my TikToks and wherever, like people want to know, how do I show up as my best authentic self so my relationships can feel healthy? And how do I listen, well, also bring my own agenda to somebody rather than just sweeping everything under the rug. So I just think that we're ready as a culture and a society to be transparent. We also as a result of that need to have the words and the permission to explore that with people who they are.

I'm thinking about working with you, Eric. I'll be trying to have healthy conversations. I think I was always great at that either. Learning that how do this make you feel? How are we working together? I so agree. We're all learning how to honor our truths, accept our own needs and communicate that effectively with other people in all aspects of our life. Families, friends, co-workers, and casual partners. It's all part of it. It's all part of our life. Families, friends, coworkers, and casual partners. It's all part of it. It's all part of it and it's a skill set.

So we have to remember that we were not born becoming excellent communicators. It is something that we have to work on. And it's okay to practice. It's okay to be awkward with it and just let you know, like you've never had these conversations for example, before and a date. And I must you can tell people that this isn't something you've done before, but you all know, you've never had these conversations for example before and a date. And I'm a student, tell people that this isn't something

you've done before, but you've found when you're not open about who you're dating, the connection with that person feels less authentic. It feels less transparent, and it's hard of you to know people. So as a result of that, you've decided that you're gonna have these conversations. Definitely, this may be think about airquies,

we're working with field, field dating app, F-E-E-L-D. I was actually just recommending this to some friends who are looking for having more transparent honest conversations and more alternative relationships. It's just an app for people who are looking for like, maybe nominee or a certain kind of kink or alternative relationships. I don't know that anonymous is looking for that,

but I just want to mention that field is really a cool experience for people to try out. It's a new kind of app that I know a lot of people are having success on. So I think the more real we can get about this being a new frontier, the healthier and more satisfying relationships we're going to be able to have. Love it. Thanks a lot, Nicole. Thanks a lot, Amos. This is from Jason 48 in Boston. I'm a dating woman who has ADD and takes medication for that and it works really well. Unfortunately, the medication has a reaction with any alcohol at all that she's unable

to orgasm from sex if she drinks it all when taking medication. Not a problem other than no orgasm. It's really important for me to be able to bring her to orgasm during our time. It's a really great sex life, but that's missing. And she doesn't necessarily want to not have any drinks in the evening. I don't consider an alcoholic at all. It's just one or two drinks, but that would allow

if she stopped for me to give her an orgasm. She says that she's really happy with her sex life, but I feel like that's missing. And we'd love to learn your thoughts on making that better. Thanks so much. All right, Jason. you know, I'm surprised it doesn't come out more about the ADD medication

because we know there's a lot of people taking medications for ADD right now. It can affect one's libido and ability to orgasm for sure, but ADD medication can also help them focus better in the moment during sex, which can be great. But if she's taken Adderall, for example, there are side effects based on the dosage, camera-duce libido, it can definitely impact orgasm, so all of that is true. Now,

what I don't see is most medications tell you not to drink, okay? And it oppressens, Adderall. In fact, I think most medications like that. But then again, most people drink, and I'm just a little bit curious here if her just not drinking is going to allow to orgasm because these medications are going to have those side effects, whether or not she's drinking. So that's just one thing. I don't think the alcohol is really the challenge. And I also understand what you're saying about like, you want to give her an orgasm.

Like, it's not okay. Even if she's saying to you, everything's great. You're still feeling like you want to give her an orgasm like it's not okay. Even if she's saying to you everything's great, you're still feeling like you want her to have pleasure. Yet we also have to take her word for it. Okay. That it's great. And I would say perhaps time to have a conversation with her about would she still be willing to try and be open to while she's drinking also having an orgasm? Because what happens a lot of times with medications for some people, this side effects are really prominent the first because what happens a lot of times with medications for some people, this side effects are really prominent the first few months or a year of taking a medication, but then over time they can dissipate, the side effects go away. So for example, people who felt

a decreased libido or inability to orgasm feel that over time they are able to orgasm. They are having higher libido. It sounds like we're not gonna get her a stop drinking, although you could have maybe a lunch date, a brunch date. Do you guys ever sleep over each other's houses? And you could in the morning try to have sex and see what happens then. So I would highly recommend that,

some non-alcohol sessions. But then also, what's it like when she's not having sex? Are you going down on her? Is it just penetration? Have you guys had the conversation about how does she orgasm? What does break her to orgasm? Is it when she's masturbating?

Is it oral sex? Is it using a sex toy? So I recommend having some questions with her next time you guys are out and just say, listen, I hear what you're saying about drinking and all that, but I'd love to know about what does turn you on, what does give you orgasms, and you can learn more about her process,

more tips, because we're all different. As you said, the medication can actually help people with ADHD feel more present and focused and less distracted in the bedroom. So like many vulva owners, maybe she just needs an extra bit of time to warm up. Maybe you can start like really focusing on the foreplay, the touching, go down on her and even if she takes some time to get fully aroused and build that desire for sex, maybe just once you guys start, it'll be mutually enjoyable.

Yeah, it could take some time. Yeah. Maybe we just have to give her more time because again, a lot of vulva owners feel this really intense pressure to orgasm and they just say, you know what, I'm not gonna get there, it's okay that you're having a good time. And I can tell you as somebody who used to do that

until I was about 35 years old, I just told my partners my orgasm didn't matter and I wanted them to have pleasure. It's because I didn't know that there was more possibility. I didn't know how to communicate that to a partner that it was okay to take time, that I could let my partner know what I needed. And so I would expand the conversation with her

beyond just the alcohol and the medication and see where you guys can get to with some healthy communication and collaboration. Yeah, and one more thing about the medication, obviously talk to your healthcare provider before making any changes, but she could try taking a half dose or something on the weekends if she doesn't need to focus for work or anything. Yeah, that's a great one.

With Adderall, you really don't or any kind of stimulant, you don't have to take it every day. And also just a note for people on SSRIs, when they speak to their doctor about this, sometimes they can take half a dose one day if they know they're going, I don't date that night or they're going away on a vacation, they can sort of decrease their dose and when they do so, they find that they're able to orgasm, they feel an impact on their sex drive. So all of that are options that people on medication should certainly explore because listen, I know these medications are really important and we need them and we shouldn't go off of them and

You can also have a really satisfying pleasure both sex life as well. Thanks Jason Don't hang up. We'll be right back after quick break for our sponsors At Salesforce, we're all about asking more of AI. Questions like, where's the data going? Is it secure? Are you sure? Are you sure you're sure? Get answers you can trust from Salesforce at AskMoreVai.com. Introducing UberTeen Accounts.

An Uber account for your team with enhanced safety features. Your team can request a ride with top-rated drivers. And you can track every trip on the live map in the Uber app. Uber Teen Accounts. Invite your teen to join your Uber account today. Available in select locations. See up for details. This is from Braden, 26 in Oklahoma. Hi Emily, just a quick question.

My wife and I recently started having oral sex for just a minute or two times and both friends were she's mentioned being sore afterwards. I was wondering if there was a specific glued view would recommend just to believe that. That's my question. Thanks, bye. Braided, thanks for your question. Love that you're having oral sex. We love it.

I love a couple that start in dev oral sex. Like exciting time. I have like FOMO. Can you imagine just starting out having all sex with a new person? First time. First time. So she's having some pain

Let's talk about that. There could be a few reasons why now her first time having oral She probably hasn't had a lot of attention paid to her Volvo in that way with a mouth could be technique if she has a sensitive Clitoris if you might be performing oral sex in a way that's really intense, or maybe sucking too hard or rubbing too hard, that can cause inflammation. That might be what's going on with her. There's also something called vulvidinia,

and that's when women have pain when anything comes in contact with her vulva, which is the external part of the vagina. There's a lot of different causes for this, but it could be she has a lot of nerve endings there that are intensified in one place and we all have nerve endings there, but some women have a lot of them.

It could be something in her genetics that causes some kind of inflammation, which is usually related to nerve endings. Now, it could also be allergies or irritation. You know, maybe I don't know if you have any products on your face that could be irritating her, that might be it. It could also be some hormonal changes.

I'm not sure if she's on the birth control pill or for certain times of month. All of these things could make our vulva really, really sensitive. I would just kind of pay attention to that and see what's going on. Does she ever have any pain there when she's working out or sitting on a bicycle or has she ever had pain there before?

That'd be important to note. And also that's your kind of pain. I'm getting the sense he's talking about her. Yeah. That's my hunch. Now, did she have an orgasm? Because if she had an orgasm, that could also be a thing. Because maybe she had a release, right?

Remember, we have an orgasm. It's the pulsing of those nerve endings in the pelvic floor. So it could be something around the pelvic floor muscles. Now, there's also the chance of STIs. Unlet sure she has an STI, but she could have a yeast infection that comes from a lot of different things. It comes from penetrative sex.

It could come from keeping our wet clothes on after a workout, could be gonorrhea, chlamydia, herpes, like I'm just saying, like sounds like if you guys just paired the two of you for all of a sudden have an onset of any of these STIs would be rare. But important to consider. But important to consider, really important to consider,

has she had any trauma in her past, even if she had kind of sexual trauma or any trauma, she might have the practice of tensing up her pelvic floor muscles whenever there's contact with that area. So that's something else to consider. And then going back to your technique, if you are using intense tongue action or your mouth, that could also cause pain.

So those are all the things to consider. Now you asked about a lube. Lube is a wonderful thing to add to oral sex. Borgasm could be a great lube that also helps with pain. It has some CBD in it that could help relax some of those nerve endings. I would try just some straightforward water-based lube like a playground lube would be great

if she's got sensitivity. Everything I mentioned is on our website as well. We have a shop sex with Emily's site that you can check out. So we love that. Also in addition to the trauma, if she has any shame around sex and oral sex, I could also lead to some tensing of either the pelvic floor muscles, or the tissues around there. I kind of got the sense, I don't know, where you thought Emily, just the way that Braden was talking about oral sex, it seemed a little hesitant to even say the words. Maybe they don't even have that much experience talking about it, having sex. Maybe it was her first time. Sounds like there may be a different time. Yeah, that could absolutely be it. Oh, there's so many factors, Braden. And so

I would listen to this with her, and then you guys together can kind of break it down and think about like What could this be and then pay attention to where the pain actually is and then you'll know if she's tensing a little bit She could practice some breathing. You guys could breathe together before you start having oral sex And that really starts to relax the pelvic floor muscles. I think this question is a great case of kind of the theses of your entire book is everyone asks for a quick tip, a quick product, toy, lube, one really, and for most sexual situations is a whole lot of other things going on that maybe aren't as sexy, but are extremely important.

Extremely important. You're talking about like the five pillars of sex IQ I write in my book, five women can't do vaginal pain, there was a lot of different things to consider. And it could be any one of those things, you know, in the health area could be if she's had a trauma or if she's on a certain medication, and if it's around self-knowledge or self-acceptance, it could be yeah, around any kind of shame.

Collaboration, pillar could be around, it's to communicate his technique. Let's just kind of consider all of those things and one by one to think about what resonates with you and we can go from there. Keep us posted. You got this, Braden. Thank you. This is from an anonymous female cheese 30 in California. Hi Emily. My question to you is that I actually caught that my husband was watching, um, transformed, transformed, male transformed. When I confronted him about it, he got really embarrassed and nervous and he couldn't really explain why he's watching that.

He said it's just something that he likes to watch and it left me very confused to the point that when we have sex or tell, especially when it's like he wants to be your play and his but whole, that's all I can think about is like the transform that he's watching. And I know that we're all attracted to all different sorts of things, but he just gets so embarrassed and he doesn't want to talk about it and ignores it whenever I bring it up. When I know that he's masturbated, that's all that I can think about that he's watching Trans porn and it just makes me uneasy. Please share your opinion and your thoughts about this.

I appreciate it. Thank you. Thank you so much, Anatomist, for this question. Also one that's really important to discuss this about our partner's porn watching habits. It's really common for us to feel threatened and confused when we find out what our partner watches, what kind of porn they watch. We actually feel this way when we just hear that our partner's watching porn a lot. Many of us feel threatened or we feel that something's wrong and as I've said masturbation, sex with ourselves, is an important part of our overall sexual health, that we should do it in a relationship, out of a relationship. So let me just clarify that. We really have to understand that sexual attractions and turn-ons, they vary from person

to person, they change in our lifetime. And we can have a lot of different sexual interests. It doesn't mean that we're not compatible with our partners. It just means that we have our own sexual lives that we are allowed to have with ourselves. And again, it's an important part of our overall well-being. But I understand why this is confusing. We do want to avoid shaming our partners for their turnons and their fantasies. Sounds like he's

already feeling a lot of shame and a lot of embarrassment. So he's not as comfortable talking about it. So first, I'm hearing that anonymous you and your partner could really benefit from some healthy conversations around sex and just understanding, maybe asking him, tell me more about this fantasy or what does it feel like? What part of it is a turn on to so you could just have a little bit more understanding? And also, I would want to know, like, a little bit more about your turn-ons and your fantasies, because it's important for you to also cultivate that in yourself. And work on the sex life you're having with him, because, again,

just because he's mass-wading these things, it shouldn't take away from your connection with him. Okay, that's one thing. The other thing about it bingo in his butt. Yeah, maybe you saw that in porn, but maybe he just knows that that feels good. You'll let's remember that it's just becoming a little bit more normalized. In recent years, a straight man could want his anus played with because they have a prostate and that can feel amazing. And also, we've pulled up some studies by our friend Justin Laymiller. He's got a great podcast and he's been a researcher for the Kinsey Institute.

And he found that 20% of heterosexual men reported having fantasies about a transgender partner before. One in five men reported that they had this fantasy, so it's really not a rarity. But contrast, though, only 5% of heterosexual women said they fantasize about a trans partner before. And most heterosexual men attracted trans women are also attracted to cis women. So a cis woman is a woman that was born and identifies as a female. And the studies also show that unlike gay men, trans attracted men don't seem to be into other men, rather they seem to find both cis gender and transgender women to be highly attractive. other men, rather they seem to find both cisgender and transgender women to be highly attractive,

meaning that a straight man who finds a trans woman attractive, meaning typically it's someone born with a penis who identifies as a trans woman, so maybe wears makeup and dresses very feminine and dresses up as a woman, or maybe they've had the sex change operation, that usually a trans woman expresses herself in an ultra-feminine way that is very attractive to someone attracted to women. Like all the things that you think about of a very feminine woman, maybe they're wearing a lot of jewelry and makeup, they were in clothing and they're moving

in a way that's very attractive. No matter, like what I'm saying is it doesn't matter what their genitals are. They are the essence of femininity in a trans woman that is very attractive to an straight man. And that's just what it's about. If your partner says he's attracted to you, it's likely he is attracted to you and women and not necessarily man.

I just want to normalize this here for you and give you some research that backs that up. And so I think another healthy conversation to have with him would be like, I just want to normalize this here for you and give you some research that backs that up. And so I think another healthy conversation to have with him would be like, I really need some help from you understanding this more. I have some questions. I don't want to shame you. I think having a healthy conversation is about it that are very transparent open would also really help you start to feel more comfortable and more safe in the relationship you have with

your husband. And I think going into that conversation in order to get more information, you really have to be non-judgmental, accepting of whatever his answer is. I feel like when we're used language around catching your partner watching porn, there is a negative connotation built in. We can kind of assume most of us are watching porn or looking at photos or listening to audio or retica of someone else speaking. Remember, as Emily always says, that the porn that you're attracted to doesn't necessarily mean that you want your partner to be that. We all have many different things we're attracted to, turn on, everything can be true.

It all can work and that's the beauty of human sexuality. It's really expansive. And there are a lot of things that we can find attractive and find to be turn on, but we also are very limited in our acceptance and our exposure to such things and even knowing that it's okay to explore. So I'm actually giving you permission, anonymous too along with your husband to sort of expand what you previously believe or to sort of be open to finding other paths to pleasure and be open that your husband is just sort of exploring his own turn-ons and is still very attractive to you and wants to be a healthy sexual relationship with you and you only.

Thanks for that question. And if you want to leave a voice- relationship with you and you only. Thanks for that question. And if you wanna leave a voice out with your question, please do. I love answering your questions and your voice mails. It's 559, talk sex, 559, 8255739, and always leave questions or message me as well if you'd like at sexwithelm.com slash ask Emily. Hope to help you and you'll also remember

you'll be helping other people by asking your question. We love that. We appreciate you all. Thanks, everyone. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review

where ever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739.

Go to sexwithemily.com slash askemily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithmleek.com We can wait for clean water solutions or we can engineer access to clean water We can acknowledge indigenous cultures or we can learn from indigenous voices We can demand more from the earth or we can demand more from ourselves Earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together

to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash right the future. At Salesforce, we're all about asking more of AI. Questions like, where's the data going? Is it secure? Are you sure? Are you sure you're sure? Get answers you can trust from Salesforce at AskMoreVai.com.