Sex With Emily - Hotline Calls: Unlock Your Best Orgasm Yet

Episode Date: December 24, 2024

In this episode I take calls from our Sex With Emily Hotline and we get into it!  Your questions include: What to do if you masturbate but can’t orgasm during sex, the best ways to meet people and date when newly sober, and what happens when your partner’s sexual fantasy creates issues in your relationship. Plus, I review how to start having sex again after a dry spell and when it might be time to break up if you’re sexually incompatible. In this episode, you’ll learn: How to embrace fantasies like cuckolding while avoiding shame and regret. What to do when your partner’s sexual style doesn’t match your needs. Sexy hacks to keep intimacy alive—even when living with parents. Show Notes: Try the LELO F1S V2! Visit lelo.com and use code “SEXWITHEMILY” at checkout for an additional 25% OFF. Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Yes! No! Maybe? List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides.  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website  Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube Let’s text: Sign up here Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com

MUSIC Does he think it's hot to watch you masturbate? He does. I get very insecure, but he thinks it's hot. Probably the reason why it's harder to masturbate is because you might be like thinking about your face or what you're doing or how you're moving, right? And I used to have that as well, but what I found is that like, I just go for it. And the guys I'm with are so friggin' turned on by it. So this is really for you getting outside your comfort zone because that's the only thing that's blocking you like your

orgasm blocking yourself. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today's episode I'm back to taking your calls, which was a blast. Topics include what to do if you masturbate, but you still can't orgasm during sex, the best ways to meet people and date when newly sober, and what to do if your partner's sexual fantasy

is causing problems in your relationship. I also talk about how to start having sex again after a five year dry spell and ways to keep your sex alive even when you're living with your partner's parents. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. Subscribe wherever you're listening, that really helps us.

It just helps get the show out to more people and help everyone, people just like you. And you can find me at all social media, Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, threads, X, it's all at Sex with Emily. My new articles, eight ways to feel more sexual sensation and meet your new kink. Footplay are up on sexdumby.com. Okay, real quick, before we get into the episode,

are you looking for the perfect holiday gift that keeps on giving, and you don't have to wait for delivery or anything like that? My SmartSX membership community is perfect. It's your all access pass to exclusive workshops, live events, intimate conversations about sex, relationships, pleasure.

This is your community. These are your people. We launched it in September, and it's been an incredible resource for so many. Whether you wanna like level up your intimacy or just give someone you know a whole new world of connection and confidence, Smart SX has something for everyone. So if you want to make sure this holiday season is your sexiest yet and 2025 is your best sex yet, visit sexwithemily.com slash smartsx to join today. That's sexwithemily.com slash smart SX.

And don't forget to check out Shop Sex with Emily for all my handpicked pleasure products. They are perfectly curated to make your holidays even hotter, whether it's toys, accessories, fun gifts, something for everyone to explore and enjoy. Give the gift of pleasure. Head over to shopsexwithemily.com for your perfect gift. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. It's the most wonderful time of the year, or is it? Real talk between family gatherings and holiday parties

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at JustThriveHealth.com with promo code SEX WITH EMILY. That's JustThriveHealth.com and code SEX WITH EMILY for 20% off. Alright, let's talk about a nightly ritual that's all about loving your body, specifically your vulva, your vagina. Enter V-Health Serum. This is your new bedside bestie for vaginal health. Whether you're navigating postpartum recovery, perimenopause, or just want to enhance intimacy, V-Health has you covered. It's powered by Nobel Prize winning technology

using four targeted growth factors to restore your vaginal tissue and pH balance while you sleep so you won't have dryness or irritation or even painful sex. You just apply this serum at night just like you would on your face but you put on your labia and when you go to sleep this will help regenerate your tissues. Okay so here's how I use it. Here's my routine. I treat my evening routine as sacred. I brush my teeth, I light a candle, connect with my body, and just use a tiny bit of V-Health serum to help moisturize and smooth and even reduce the chances of those pesky UTIs. What I love about this routine is that I'm connecting to my body. I'm literally rubbing something on my vulva and feeling

connected and saying, hello, we're connected. I know I've been busy all day, but here we are and who knows? That might just lead to something else. I know I've been busy all day, but here we are. And who knows that might just lead to something else. I know for me, sometimes it just gets me in the mood. It gets me connected. So if you want to learn more about Be Health, this truly is revolutionary technology and you want to restore your vaginal wellness, go to getvehealth.com and use code EMILY25 for 25% off. That's G-E-T-V-HEALTH.COM and use code EMILY25 for 25% off. That's G-E-T-V health.com

and use code EMILY25 at checkout. Trust me, your vulva and your entire body will thank you. This is Lauren, 26 in New York. Hey Lauren. Hi, oh my God, hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. This is like a fangirl moment for me.

I'm so glad that you you've reached out. Really? Thank you. I find myself so sexually empowered because of your show and like you have inspired me to become a sex educator and change my career path. Thank you so much, Lauren. That makes me feel so good. This is why I do what I do.

I'm so glad to hear that. I'm thrilled. Thank you. That feels really good. And I'm so glad we need so many more people in this profession. Lauren, talk to me. What's going on? Sure.

So I wanted to reach out because for the first time in my life, 26 years, I'm in a healthy relationship. I found a very nice normal guy and it's very stable and loving and I find myself getting so bored with the sex. Oh my God. How long have you been together? We've only been together for about eight months. Okay.

Yeah. How was it at the beginning? It was worse than it is now. Okay. Okay. So what's made it? How has it gotten better? What do you think that's about?

Well, I'm very, I'm not a super king star, but I'm more kinky than him. And I think through listening to you and just basic communication and bringing things into the bedroom, like I just bought monogamy, the board game. Oh, it's a good one. I bought a Levi dice and everything like I've learned to bring things into the bedroom to make it spicier. But I'm one of those women that it's very rare for me to orgasm and I find myself getting kind of like orgasm resentment. Yes. Does he know how to give you, do you know,

have you had orgasms? I masturbate every single day. I love it. Oh my God, my girl. Okay, so you master every day. Do you guys ever do any mutual masturbation so we can kind of see what you do and learn about your body? Yeah, that's the strange thing. So I go to a sex therapist and she suggested that I get off

before we have sex so that I'm taken care of. But when he's in the room, I can't reach climax. It's very strange. Huh, okay. Is he masturbating as well? What if he's masturbating himself and you're masturbating yourself? He's very shy about that.

He is? Okay. Yeah. Does he think it's hot to watch you masturbate? He does. I get very insecure. Does he think it's hot to watch you masturbate? He does. I get very insecure, but he thinks it's hot. Okay. So you're, you probably the reason why it's harder to masturbate is because you might

be like thinking about your face or what you're doing or how you're moving, right? And I used to have that as well, but what I found is that like, I just go for it. And I have found that the guys I'm with are so frigging turned on by it. The guys that I wanna be with are like, wow, that's hot, let's do it again. So this is really for you getting outside your comfort zone and being like, I'm gonna go for it. Cause that's the only thing that's blocking you.

Like your orgasm blocking yourself by doing it, not doing it with him. But again, that's a practice. And then he, and then so, so that's, that is a good, that is good advice to have in your orgasm first. Does he ever please you? Does he go down on you or does he, could he use the toy on you? Yeah, so he does try.

I feel like the unicorn because all my girlfriends are like, I love oral so much. I love it more than sex. And I have never been a fan of oral. And I don't know if it's because no one's ever done it good to me. But he probably, he probably doesn't. He I'm telling you, I didn't have great oral till I was like in my 30s or something. You're 26. It is a skill set. It is a practice. Every woman is different. A lot of guys just go down there and do the three licks and think it's enough. It's a build-up. It's teasing

your inner thighs. It's going slow. It's using lube. We have a great blog on our site about the Kiven method and that has been one of the most popular blogs of all time and it's a technique for oral. I talked about it like three years ago on the show and I don't think I've ever gotten as many emails from people like, oh my God, my wife of 20 years was able to orgasm. And essentially what it is, is you're lying on your back and your partner is going in kind of perpendicular. So instead of licking up and down like head to toe, they're going like thigh to thigh. So if they're going thigh to thigh, you're covering more nerve endings. You're covering the labia, the outer labia, the inner labia, the clitoris, and that has just been a really cool practice that works for a lot and that might give him and you

some confidence. But unless, like the women that I know that don't like receiving oral sex usually fall into two camps. There's the women who actually have super sensitive, their clitorises are really, really sensitive and I found that these women have multiple orgasms. I wish in my next life I come back as them, but they have multiple orgasms every time they have sex and it's sensitive to touch. The other women I found just haven't had a great oral yet.

They're like, still have some shame or someone shamed their labia once or said they smelled or something happened and they still are blocked around. They don't know how to relax into the experience of oral. And that's just not on you. That's a partner who's like, hey babe, I'm here, lay back, we've got all night. I'm gonna go down on you.

I'm gonna experience, figure out your body. And that's also a learning curve. So finding a partner who's enthusiastically wants to learn to please you. So I think you're in the second camp of someone who just hasn't had had it yet. I think most people don't know how to do it. Yeah. Yeah. So, so what do we do here? So I think it's part of it is you talking to him about it more. I'm just trying to think of, I also have your question here. Did we get to all of it? Because you're just trying to think of, I also have your question here. Did we get to all of it? Because you're also saying you've got, I love that you're in sex therapy

and you're in couples therapy. And so, and you have a history of sexual trauma. So like, what, what is he, is he open to it? He's going to therapy with you, which is amazing. He's open, but he's also very vanilla because I'm a bisexual woman and I've never, I wanna be like the threesome. However, the caveat, I've brought this up to him and he said he would never feel comfortable doing it cause he's super monogamous. And I find myself when I fantasize, I think about him having sex with other women.

That's kind of the thing that gets me off. Okay, I mean you still have time in your life to explore. And it sounds like you're on a journey, you're in sex therapy, you're having these lively fantasies which is great, like having a healthy fantasy life is a huge part, you've heard me say this, of having a sexually healthy life. And so he's more vanilla, now listen,

people are vanilla because they come from environments where sex was shamed, it wasn't open, he doesn't feel like it's okay. Maybe me too made him feel like I have to even be less aggressive towards women. I have no idea. But that's a choice. Like he could start to say, well, I, maybe I'm not that, maybe I just haven't experimented with enough.

And maybe there's a way you can talk to him that's like, this is what I require. Would you be willing to step outside of your vanilla box for a moment and explore with me and open up? Because if he's like, nope, not for me, never going to do it, you're on a path. Lauren, you're on a journey and maybe he's just not the one who can get there. Not everyone can, but maybe he needs a little bit more. I don't know, do you guys ever listen to the podcast together? We've never listened to it together, but I heard you say that actually on the show yesterday and I was like, that's a great idea. I've never thought of-

A lot of couples listen together and they have found that it's extremely helpful because you can listen, you're on a road trip or playing in the house. They're like, oh wait, what do you think about that? Because then you don't have to bring up the conversation. Then you see what they say and just listen. Like if he says, I'm vanilla, I don't want to do it or threesome, tell me more about that. Oh, I'm just monogamous. I mean, I get that, but you're also saying, I mean, I guess it's not monogamy having a threesome,

but like this is something that could be really hot too and why. So now he needs more information, like why you think it would be sexy and what he would get from it. Like again, it just giving them more information to get out of think it would be sexy and what he would get from it. Like again, it just giving them more information to get out of the place that they've been. He just might need to understand what you're actually asking for.

Like is he your guy? Do you think he's the one you want to be with? Yeah, I can picture a future with him. He's so sweet, but the only issue is I'm very feminine and he's also very feminine. And I love like a manly man. Like I love being dominated and he's very sweet but in the bedroom, it's not the biggest turn on. Yeah.

I mean, if he's interested in learning, he could also go to a sex therapist who could teach him how to be more dominant and aggressive but he has to be willing to do that cause that's not gonna change very much. So maybe, I mean, I'm telling you, I love that you got out of all these toxic relationships because you won't be attracted to those guys anymore,

just so you know. And there are nice guys that can also dominate you in the bedroom, so it's not either or. So I think you gotta put some work in this relationship and see if he could come around for you and kind of get what you mean and try, or if he's just like, Nope, this is who I am. Take it or leave it.

Then you might have your answer. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Is that helpful? I guess I would like to know with the threesome fantasy because I am very insecure. I think if I were to go through it, at least currently I would get jealous. So is there any way to kind of explore that fantasy without having to actually go there?

Yeah, you guys could actually, you could dirty talk it. You could have a fantasy one night where you guys were having sex and you could be like, right now I'm picturing you, like there's a woman here and you're taking her clothes off and you're having sex with her. And then you could start to see like, how would that actually,

how does it feel just to be role playing it in that way? Or watching some porn together where it's happening and kind of picturing yourself in that scenario without going through with it. So it's interesting because you're jealous, yeah, you're insecure about it or you're jealous, but then you want it to happen, but you don't want it to happen.

So I think just having talks about it in the bedroom, like making it sexy, might be a great way to kind of put yourself in that and say, would that be something I actually wanna do? Yeah, definitely. I have to work on the dirty talk. Yeah, the dirty talk. But then also the couples I know

that have successful threesomes, practice rigorous honesty. They have boundaries. There's no kissing. The person leaves after. It's someone we don't know. I mean, you would get to set up all those parameters too, but sounds like you're not there yet Not yet. Seven months is a little that's why I'm a little concerned

It's too it's kind of too soon to be getting bored. I think but if I were to ever Spend long-term commitment with this person then I would definitely want to engage in that Yeah, but then also I think you could test it and just say, we're gonna, like, it can even be awkward. You're like, this is hard for me too. I've never been in a relationship where I actually have worked on sex this much, but this is my goal.

So then you use it as like, you could learn together. Maybe he's your guy, maybe he's not, but again, you're learning these skillset that will help you for a lifetime of lovers. It'll help you move through stuff and see like, oh, that wasn't so bad. We talked about it. We moved past it. So I would say as long as you're in the relationship, go past your own fears. I think about conversations and, and just see because it's never as bad as we think. And then we learn like, oh, that wasn't so bad.

Or we actually found out where we can come together and where things do work. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Okay, cool. Thank you. Thank you for calling in. I appreciate it. You too. Good work. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, okay cool. Thank you. Thank you for calling in, I appreciate it. You too. Good luck, stay in touch.

Yes, bye. Bye. Okay, so we have Paul29 in Montana calling in. So what's going on, Paul? Tell me everything. So recently I decided to stop drinking just for like health reasons and just was tired of going out in the party scene.

And ever since then, I've just kind of been having a hard time trying to find places to meet girls that are kind of fairly similar minded. Okay. If I do make connections, it's kind of just, I know there's a lot of partying and a lot of breweries, a lot of distilleries place where I live. But yeah, it seems like it's hard to find something to do that doesn't it really yeah that makes sense first off congratulations on quitting drinking because that is not easy taking that an initiative and not drinking I think is just such a major life change clearly it wasn't serving you anymore are you in a recovery program or an AA at all? I am going to some meetings just kind of for periodic support but okay. I mean I think I think that the best mean you could

meet people at meetings and I know that everyone I know who's been sober and AA they find partners there a lot so I would I just think it's so great for recovery to go like a few times a week because I can just tell you that it's very very helpful for people to meet like a few times a week, because I can just tell you that it's very, very helpful for people to meet like-minded people. And not just for dating, I mean, you will be able to date, but I know that I have some friends who got sober about 10 years ago, two of my best girlfriends,

and I used to just go with them to meetings, because I found AA fascinating, and I think everyone can get something out of it. But two of them are married now to guys they met in AA, but it didn't come from that. They did a lot of game nights and they did a lot of going to movies and watching movies together. And it just became a really great community of people.

And so I would recommend fully going into that community and finding people because again, even if you make some great guy friends, they're in the same boat you are. and so they have found places to meet people. Okay, so tell me what you've done so far. Do you ever date online? Yeah, I've tried a few of the dating apps and unfortunately haven't had really any luck with those either. And I feel like I've always met people. I don't really do the dating apps just because I never, I'm not great with texting and I forget to get back to

people, but how I've mostly met people is through friends, going to parties, saying yes. Like, you know, people invite you to things you're like, do I want to go to that? I just say yes to things. I went through a summer where I was like, I'm just going to say yes to random things, things that came up on Facebook,

things that came into my inbox. And I was like, I don't even know this person. I would show up because usually that's how we meet people through friends of friends. And so I would just make an effort to just say yes to barbecues, to events, and also do something that you like. Maybe there's a hiking club or a cooking club or a reading club. I don't know what you're into, Paul, but finding going to meetups. Because when you're in your element and you're doing something that you already really like doing, you're going to just start striking up conversations with people rather than going to a bar where

people are drunk. I would say it's also a confidence thing, meaning confidence comes by being our more authentic selves. How do we get to be our more authentic selves? We practice. We practice being ourselves wherever we go. So whether you're waiting in line for coffee or you're at a party, and even if you're not attracted to someone, just start talking to them. Just start, hey, how's your day going? Like, what brings you to the party?

Or who do you know here? And you just start talking. That's how some of the best relationships happen. And then you have more confidence because you're like, oh, I'm being Paul, 100% talking to these people. Because you're like, being myself has allowed me to connect to people.

Because you've probably already have had to switch up day to day activities, right? Like you're no longer going to the bar. You know what I mean? Yeah. So have you found yourself going to places that are a little bit different right now? Not quite.

I guess my, another big issue has just been spending a lot of time at home, kind of just hanging out with the roommates just because not really like kind of, if I'm thinking of things that I used to do on my own or just kind of time at home, kind of just hanging out with the roommates, just because not really like kind of if I'm thinking of things that I used to do on my own or just kind of spread the moment, it used to be, oh, I just go down to the bar and have a few drinks or go to a brewery. But now it's just kind of still a bit tricky for me to come up with ideas of like spread them out. It's like, oh, I'm just going to go do that and just be able to be fine with hanging out by myself for

however long. And well, that's also practice. You're going through a lot of changes too. I mean it's been a year you said? It's probably been since the start of this year that I stopped drinking. Okay so yeah I mean I would just kind of focus more on what kind of activities can fill the space of all the drinking I was doing. Whether it's joining a gym, working out, asking your friends to fix you up too. Like ask like do you know anybody who might be interested or interesting. It's kind of like a job. I mean when you're looking for a job you let everybody know that you're looking for a job and then when you're single you let people know

you're single. That's happened to me a lot. I've said well they're like are you dating? I'm like I'm single and then they're like I might have someone for you and then like a. I've said, well, they're like, are you dating? I'm like, I'm single. And then I'm like, I might have someone for you. And then like a few months later, a week later, they're like, how about this person? Your friends want you to find someone and be happy as well. And so just kind of flipping your mindset that they're out there. Not every girl wants to get wasted every night and go to the bar. I promise you. I'm so not into guys like that. That's not my jam. You'll find them again doing the things you like, letting people know you're single, and saying yes to a lot of different events

that you wouldn't normally go to. That's my advice for you, Paul. What do you think? That sounds good. Okay. Helpful? Yes. All right. Well, thank you for calling in, Paul. Thank you for having me. I appreciate it. Keep me posted and let me know how it goes. Okay. Because I'm here for you. Okay. Bye Paul. So our caller now is Rose 24 from Idaho. Rose, tell me what's going on. So I have been with my boyfriend for about two years and for about a year and a half of that we've been kind of experimenting with this fetish of his, which is he kind of likes

me to go and be with other people and then tell him about it. Or recently, he's been wanting me to do other things like make videos and send those to him. And then it kind of spices up our relationship later on. But it's gotten to a point where I'm like, kind of confused as to what we do now because like a lot of the times it's fine and we have a good time with everything. But lately he's been having this thing where if I do anything, he instantly regrets asking me to do anything as soon as I do it. Or he'll ask me to do

it when he's in the mood. And then once he's not in the mood, then he feels really bad about himself and he feels really bad about asking me to do anything so I don't want to hurt him so I'm like really confused so what do I do? Oh my god it's like he's a lot of shame around it. Yeah. So on the one hand he's into it and then he's like oh my god I feel horrible. So how do you like this part of the relationship? How do you like being with other people and tell is that something that turned you on? It did. At first, it was really fun for me and I really liked it until it started getting to be like a chore because at first it was just me doing it and having my own thing and

he would just want to hear about it. And then it became he wanted to see it and then he wanted to like read my messages and then he was getting hurt by the things that was going on. It's like the lines were kind of crossed and I didn't really know what was okay and what wasn't okay and I tried to be really open about it. But I just don't know how to navigate the waters anymore. Yeah, well he probably doesn't know either. I mean, I think that's great that he was able to speak up about his fetish or his fantasy. I think that is really, really brave.

And he's probably also confused by it. Like I said, shame. How would your sex life be if you stopped doing that altogether and you just worked on the connection between the two of you? That's what we've been trying to do for the last few months now. We haven't had that open quality to our relationship anymore.

And he has been the one to branch that off and say, okay, I want to focus on us, which it's been nice. But at the same time, now all we do is do the mutual masturbation thing. And I'm like, okay, I need something more fulfilling because I want the real sexual part to happen. Yeah. So tell me why you're not having. So how come? Why no penetration? Well, we do end up getting there sometimes, but most of the time

it seems like we're focused on like him getting off and having his thing and then me just kind of going along with it. So I don't know. Maybe he doesn't know. Like, is it is it harder for him to have an orgasm? Yeah, it takes him a little bit of time. So he might be related.

And he has to get a lot of buildup, which is why he liked me to do that other thing, because it was creating such a buildup in his mind before we would do anything. Oh. So I'm just trying to figure out, what can I do to build things up without having to go past my boundaries now.

Right, right. It sounds like he might be a delayed ejaculator, meaning it takes him anywhere between like 45 minutes or longer to have an orgasm every time. Yeah, that sounds right. Yeah, and that can be a really frustrating thing for so many penis owners because they're just like, it takes forever, it's a pain, and there's a lot of different causes. It's actually something that it's very unclear

what could cause it. It could be the way he masturbates. Maybe he holds his penises in a certain way that he just can't get that same kind of friction. Maybe he's watching a lot of porn. Maybe something happened when he was younger. Maybe he's on some kind of medication or drinking a lot. But usually it's something that for men,

it just sort of, it can be a tricky one to kind of figure out what it is. Maybe doing some anal play with him, like would help him ejaculate. Like if he'd be interested in being penetrated or playing with his prostate or anything. So there are other workarounds, but it sounds like you guys

are both like trying to figure it out together and I want to make sure that you're getting your needs met as well. Does he take interest in your needs and pleasing you? He does to a certain extent. Like he does, he lets me do what I want to do and like he asks me if he can help me in some way, but at the same time I feel like it's more focused around him and what feels good for him and what works for him. And it's like, he says that he wants to do things for me, but I don't know how to come across in a way that's not sounding like

I'm not being satisfied at all. I don't. Right. I think it's a matter of saying, this is where, this is what I need. Like, I think it's kind of like that. I mean, you listen to the show show it's like the outside the bedroom conversation where you say I know we spent a lot of time working on your pleasure but I realizing that I this is really what I'm gonna need for us to

kind of take it to the next level or to figure out how I can be connected and maybe because he's so preoccupied with his own orgasm his own pleasure he just doesn't it's a learning curve like you're, so is he your same age? Are you 24 as well? Yeah. Yeah, we're both, yeah. It just like doesn't have a lot of experience in relationships, which is why I'm so impressed

he had you go out and like sleep with other people and he was cool with it, but then he wasn't. It makes sense that it's really messy right now and he might have some core desires based around you being with other people, but then again, he has shame. But I want you to not let yourself get so up under the rug because he's been someone who's been so focused on his orgasms that you might have to just teach him what

it looks like. A great book is by Ian Kerner called She Comes First. It's been around for 20 years. It is one of the greatest books about pleasing a woman and going down on her. And it's very specific. It's probably the best selling sex book of all time. But I know that a lot of men who've read that book are like, oh, like he sounds like he just doesn't know. Like your arousal will feed his arousal. Getting you going.

Yeah. And I think that's why he liked that situation too, is because he felt like I was being pleased. And so then that helped him. And he thought we were kind of working it around all the ways. And I thought, yeah, that's great too. But then it started to be a challenge. Right. So now you guys have to kind of like rebuild

and have healthy conversations about what works for you because you're a loving girlfriend. You're like, yeah, I'll try it out. But now it's like, what do you want exactly? And what does it look like? And then how do you put more words around it with him? And how do you say, how would you explain to him what you want in great detail?

Because sometimes we just tell our partners, like, we were just talking to someone who's like, oh, I want him to dominate me more. Well, your partner doesn't know what that means. Like, they don't, like, is there a scenario? Is there a scene in porn? Is there a particular time that you were with him that it was really hot and you could be like, like, that was great, you know? Can you point to any

earlier times in the relationship where it worked? Yeah, exactly. I think I can hear that. Yeah, okay. I mean, that's what I recommend. And then like keeping the conversation going and like not giving up on what your needs are. I mean, there also is the possibility that he's just like giving up on what your needs are. I mean, there also is the possibility that he's just like, I'm not interested in it. I just wanna keep figuring out my own stuff. But I think if you really say like for the next few months I'm gonna focus, like let's focus on my orgasm

and my pleasure and you'll still get yours. And if he's on board with learning, cause again, you haven't had as much experience cause you're 24 and you're still figuring it out. So I would just be really open, be really honest, and it'll be such great practice for you because whatever happens in this relationship, whether you stay with him or not,

you're gonna have practice in communication. Whereas you're gonna learn what you need and how to communicate. That is a skillset. That took me years to figure out how to do it. That's why I'm like teaching everyone and why I do this. So I think that you're just seem like you've done a lot for him and now it's time for you to get yours, whatever that looks like. Yeah. Well, thank you. I appreciate your help and I love your show.

I'm so glad it has helped you and it's great to see you and I hope that you will keep us posted. What happens? I'm always here for you. And I hope that you will keep us posted. What happens? I'm always here for you. All right, thank you, Emily. Bye, have a good day. Thanks, Rose, bye. We'll be right back after a short break, but first I gotta tell you about something

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Stick around. The holidays are here. I know, I know, I know you're looking for the perfect gift. So why not give the gift of better sex and deeper connection? Join my Smart SX membership community. I know, I know, I know you're looking for the perfect gift. So why not give the gift of better sex and deeper connection? Join my Smartest Sex membership community. You'll get exclusive access to live workshops, intimate Q and A's with me,

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for all my handpicked pleasure products. They are curated to make your holidays even hotter and way more pleasurable. You've got toys, accessories, fun gifts. There is truly something for everyone to explore and enjoy. Head over to shopsexwithemily.com for your perfect gift. Dani25, she's a female in Louisiana, had a question for me. Hi, Danny. Tell me what's going on.

I'm really struggling right now in my relationship. We've been together for two and a half years now. We started out living, I was living at my dad's house and he lived with his parents, but now we moved in together. But now I live with him in his parents house. Oh and how long is that going to be going on for? About a year and a half now so. Oh wow. Yeah we haven't had sex in seven months. Because you're in a full house. Yeah. Like what are you going to do? Are there ever times where the parents aren't home? Recently, they were gone for three days, but they sent over his sister's boyfriend

to check on her cat. So we thought it was a last minute thing too. It was left in the note. It was like, oh, one last thing, he's coming over. So the time- You're like, we've got the cat, we can take care of the cat. Yeah. Jeez, okay.

So it sounds, is there, now is there a reason you're staying with the parents Is it more like just financial getting your own place right now isn't the easiest thing for personal things? I'm not really able to stay with my dad right now. Okay. Yeah Okay, and got it financially I had a job and then he didn't have a job. We were just out of college and then I left my job and then he got a job. So our plans to move out were just, there's just a wrench getting thrown in our plans.

Oh my God. Okay, so what you're asking is how do we keep our sex life alive when living with parents? Yeah. Okay, here's just a few things I'm gonna throw out. Sex in the shower. Could you guys take a shower together? That's actually funny because that's where we've had our best sex there in the bathroom or in the shower. Oh, perfect. You can bring some toys in, you

can play some music. I mean, that's just seems to be like where you could do it. And hopefully maybe the parents are out. Do they ever go out or do they work or they home? Oh no, they're they're usually at the house. One of the others there. Okay. You could also have sex off of the bed because the bed makes a lot of noise and so you could throw some cushions down on the floor. I mean do you have a lock in your room? Yes. Okay. So you could create a little atmosphere you know so you're not getting the creaking sound and you're on the floor. Do his parents know that you guys are sexual?

Like do you think that, I mean, not that you want them to hear you, but that you might need alone time? Are they compassionate towards that? Do they understand? I've actually brought it up with his mom before while we were just out and she was like, yeah, I get it. I understand. But it seems like it goes out one ear and out the other

because they tend to just knock on the door for silly things. Yeah, it seems like, weirdly like every time we get into it somebody's knocking on the door, talking really loudly. It seems like there might be a way to, I don't know how communicative his parents are, but to say, could you limit the times of knocking on the door unless it's really important?

We actually need our alone time to bond, to talk. And especially if you said it to the mom before, she might just think twice. You can put a note on the door like we did with your kids, like do not enter or what's not. You could get a little hanging thing, like they make your own, like you get at a hotel. It's like, do not disturb.

I mean, I don't know how they feel about that. I get all parents are weird and different about things. Everyone has their own thing. Is it about the noise? Because there is a lot you could do to keep it quiet. You could see who could be the most quiet. You could like turn that into a game. I'm glad you asked that.

It's also because we, ever since the beginning of our relationship, we've had this sex compatibility issue. I have more experience than him. He's only one year younger than me. And that's not really, I guess, not a part of it, because I've had partners who have been younger than me and we've had better sexual chemistry. OK, I don't know.

It's like sometimes he's hard at reading body language. She doesn't. Yeah, it's weird. I try to bring it up with him. I've had him listen to the park your podcast But he's open to trying it's not that it's he may also just lack Confidence as well and he may feel like he can't get into it either at home. Mmm. Okay. Well, it's his parents Yeah, so it sounds like that's good, some good information there. So first off, age has nothing to do with experience. And there's even people who have had sex with

hundreds of people, but they're just not, they don't really know what they're doing in bed. They just kind of kept, like I hear this from, you know, I think a lot of penis owners, they just bang away and I slept with this one and that one, but they're not necessarily the most experienced. So what if you guys focused on foreplay? Like does he know how to love you? What if you build up and you're like, let's take penetration off the table because it's already off the table. But what

if you go back to the beginning when you were just making out when maybe one night he gives you a central massage and then you give him a massage or you download our yes, no maybe list. Have you done that yet on our website? We've got this free guide and you guys could do it together and find out like what kind of things is he into? Is it a yes and no, a maybe? And then you could start to work through that list and find some other things.

But what if it's like off the table and you teach him, you're like, this is what I need for pleasure. Maybe you do need a massage or you need some dirty talk or and that this, the yes, no, maybe list, in addition to our pleasure planner, which is also a free downloadable on the site, could kind of help you guys think about what are some things that have been really exciting

in our sex life that have worked? What are some things that haven't? Like, start to rebuild it. Like, throw it all the, like, he's less experienced and what's happened in the past, but what if it now is ground zero and you're like, let's figure out who we are together as sexual beings.

Let's start to rebuild what we both want and then have open conversations about it. So he, and then you have to keep building his confidence and saying, you're great. This is what I love. I'm learning too. We're in this together together because it is tricky. And you listen to the podcast, you know, people get sensitive when you talk about sex.

I think I wouldn't say I've ruined it, but I think I really put a dent in his confidence because I keep talking about my past sexual. Oh, he's been comparing it and saying it. It hasn't been this hard for me before. To orgasm? Yeah. And I think I made a mistake by saying maybe I'm not sexually attracted to you. Oh, Danny. Okay. So that no, it's okay. It's okay. We can repair this. Do you want to be with him, Danny? Is he your guy? I love him. Everything's right except that, except the sexual aspect of our relationship. Do you find him to be a sexual person? Does he masturbate?

Does he talk about sex? Every night. Okay, good. I've been with guys who were like, tell me everything about every past lover, what happened? Cause they get off on it. And then there's guys who can't get that other penis

out of their head. So everyone's different. You can walk it back and just say, I think this is more about us figuring out what feels good to both of us. If you wanna make it work and rebuild it to say, I apologize for saying those things if they hurt your feelings, that was not my intention.

But are you not attracted to them? That's a question I've been asking myself because I love him, I truly do. But in past relationships here, I go comparing again. I don't feel like the sexual tension that I'm used to. Well, yeah. And also the attention comes from having separation, having absence, having spontaneity and having novelty and having exciting new things happening. And usually it's when couples are apart

and they miss each other, you don't have any of that right now. You're living together with his parents. There's no obstacle for you getting together. There's no way to build the tension. So that's why if you start to really engage in like a sexual bucket list together and what we're gonna try tonight,

we're gonna lock the door and we're going to just do some touching where I'm touching and you're telling me what feels good to you. Take that penetration off the table. Like what kind of touch feels good? And then you just start to connect again sexually. But is there any way, Rick,

maybe if you even went away for a week, or is there anywhere to go? I just, it's hard. It's hard to keep that connection going when you're on top of each other. What was your attraction level like before you moved in with the parents? What was your like the building and the arousal? Were you attracted to him more so? This shouldn't be a hard question, but I've been thinking about this more and more and I wonder if I ever was sexually attracted to him or more so just wrapped up in the novelty of,

I don't know, cause I, I wondered if we're better off as friends because we get along so well. Yeah. I mean, you're young too. I mean, maybe, maybe that's it. I mean, I could give you all the ideas, you know, like mapping out two hours, you know, that are just for you and you could have sex in the car and I could give you all these things.

But this is a bigger issue. Like I'm wondering, is there any world where you could move out and see what happens? Could you, could you find another place to live? That's another issue because I'm looking for a job right now and I can't move back in with my dad. And he said he would be okay with us not being together with me living with him until I find a new job. But I don't know how that's a lot to ask of someone,

especially if we're living in the same room together. Right. Yeah, I mean, I think you could, well, in the meantime, looking for the job, because you can make it happen. I know you can. You could just say, well, as long as I'm here, because I always think of every relationship as kind of as a practice. That's why I always say, take every date, like,

go out with someone, go out with them twice, learn about yourself. So you could start to practice vocalizing what you need. You have nothing to lose at this point. Like, and this is what I might need and this is what is attractive to me. And maybe there's certain ways he could build the tension by, I don't know what, talking dirty to you, maybe taking initiative in places where he hasn't before. But it sounds like you might just need a separation. I don't know how much these things change and it sounds like you might know. So I hope this is helpful, Danny. It really is.

Oh, good. I'm here for you. I appreciate it. Trust your gut. Thanks, Danny. It's is. Oh good. I'm here for you. I appreciate it. Trust your gut. Okay. Thanks Danny. It's so good to see you. I so appreciate your time. Have a good day. Bye. Bye. Okay so our next caller Jason is 34 from Connecticut. Jason thank you so much for your question. So tell me what's going on. So, um, I just put it out there. Last time I had sex was I wrote a date, June 1st of 2016, and I've not been looked at intimately or been with a woman in any type of intimate matter since then. Okay.

So tell me why you think that is. A few reasons why, um, I'll admit maybe my self-image needed some work. Maybe certain cues in social situations I wasn't picking up on. I'm not good at playing games with people or playing the online game. I don't...the Tinder game

or the OkCupid game, whatever those games are, I don't know. I'm just pretty straight up real and honest. I'm a person of integrity and honor. And if you I'm a person of integrity and honor. And if you're not a person of integrity and honor, I'm gonna rub you the wrong way. It is what it is. Maybe I don't know all the trendy hip things,

but I feel I'm a good person at heart. Yeah, you seem like a good person. So did something happen? Was it like a bad ending or did something? You know, I think what it was is just that with that person in particular, her and I should not have been together. As far as sex was concerned, we were good at that, but it was a really short relationship,

only like a few months. And we had our personalities run different streams of the adult spectrum. She was a music therapist, and I'm a mechanical engineer. Your brain is like, I don't even know. Right. So have you been in relationships before, longer term relationships? I really have not. Even in my twenties,

any type of sexual interactions were very sporadic. You know, and I believe a big part of that was because just too mature for my age brackets. And when you don't live by, when you don't operate to the rules of what the ecology tells you as normal, whether it be don't call it to the third, after the third day,

or you have to say this and this to sound cool or whatever, whatever, it makes things very difficult. Well, yeah, I hear what you're saying and I'm not for the rules either, but when you're interacting with a woman, how much do you have practiced in being open and communicative with women about what's going on with you or your feelings or emotions? Do you think you present as a sexual person who is interested in women and make them feel sexy or do you let them know that you're interested

or what's it like? There's never been a woman who I try to get her number or try to interact with that it wasn't obvious that I was feeling her physical body or physical energy. I was very obvious. Again, I'm not a dog grabbing her up and stuff like that. I barely know the person. Very obvious from the conversation, the body language or the energy I'm putting out. Somehow, some way after a first date

or maybe a second date or some of this, a lot of this, a misstep or a gap or a blockage of some sort, where I'm pretty, I feel like I'm able to have a normal conversation with someone, but somehow there may be, might have been certain gaps or something got stifled, some energy gets stifled somewhere or whatever, whatever. Do you feel relaxed when you're on a date?

Do you feel like you can be at ease and have comfort? I mean, I was just thinking about your brain being a mechanical engineer. It's such a, and I know that like, there's people with so many different ways of dealing. Like you're very logical, you're very practical, you're linear. And sometimes like you're dating like,

let's say a music therapist and they're much more maybe in their body and into their feelings. And so maybe there's a little bit of like, softening or listening you could do and try to get out of your head. Have you ever done any mindfulness work or been in a place where you felt connected to women? Do you have good women friends? Do you have women in your life? Yes, in my 20s I had very little, very few women friends because I wanted to have sex with everyone. But like over the past three, four years,

I've developed a lot of very close, very close real female friends who like, they're just so perfect, but they're always taken. Oh, okay. But do you ever talk to them about it and say, what do you think it is? It seems like a lot of women tell me that a combination of maybe your self-image

might not have been the best. Okay. Or maybe you're overthinking the situation. Or maybe you are just not, the thing is maybe it's okay that you're at this place in life, but you just haven't met the one who you can connect with. Yeah. Overthinking. Yeah. Overthinking confidence. That's a lifelong journey.

Try to be the most confident in ourselves and it's a practice. How are you meeting people now? You said you're on the apps, but you're not connecting. I recently actually deleted Hinge and Tender. Past five months, I had one date and that went nowhere. What could you do right now that's a little bit different? How could we flip your mindset that there really is nothing wrong with you?

You seem like a lovely guy. I don't want you to sabotage. I don't want you to go to the past. You've like a lovely guy. I don't want you to sit like to sabotage. I don't want you to go to the past. You've done these things. I mean, life is like we're constantly learning these lessons and maybe even being real with someone when you meet them and say, I know, I don't know. Sometimes I'm weird at reading cues. Like I feel like you're saying you want to go out again. Is that true? Like breaking the third wall of like being real. Like sometimes I'm not clear on it. So this is a date. I find I find you attractive I'd love to go out I feel like we have a great connection does that you know what I mean like and that's so not game-playing that's so

real to be like I want to make sure that this is something like that you get in that I'd like to go out with you and showing more of yourself like your playful side asking more questions how are you in conversations with people to I've gotten better actually over the past couple of years and even the past year or so I've gotten a lot better with communicating and talking to people and following like Bill Crony, People Skill book type stuff and Les Giblin type stuff. You know, I read a lot of those books. They're great.

Helped me out tremendously. Good. Because that's a skill set too. How to be a good listener and not be thinking of what we want to say next. Because listening isn't just about hearing. It's like asking questions back, taking an interest. We all love having questions asked about ourselves. We all want to know that we're with someone who's listened or read our dating profile and is just, you know, an interesting and interested person.

I think interested is even better than interesting. And so you might want to kind of look at some of that, your interactions, and maybe asking some of your girlfriends about it. But I really think that maybe there's a little bit of overthinking, like what's wrong with me, what's wrong with me trying to fix it. And dating is also a numbers game. So getting yourself out there more.

And there's a great episode we did with Logan Urie. It's called How Not to Die Alone, which sounds suppressing, but it's not. And she actually, for the first time, you might like this. She looked at behavioral science and dating. She looked at all the ways that we can kind of sabotage our dating, how most of us are not good daters, and the way we, she kind of flips our mindset about how we think about dating.

And I thought there were some really practical tools in her book and in that episode that might be helpful for you. I don't think that there's anything wrong with you. I think it's a practice and leaning into who you are and showing, you know, when you're hanging with your best friends and you're totally yourself and you're like the most Jason version of yourself, how do you bring that into a relationship

where you're meeting somebody and you do get nervous around women sometimes. where you're meeting somebody and you do get nervous around women sometimes you ever meet him and you're like, is this a thing? Actually, silly stories happened the other day where I kind of met, I kind of botched up a potential number I could have got actually. Okay. I was at Target and I saw a woman with a very nice dress and a very round ass. And I was like, I need to find a reason to talk to her.

I need to do something. Go, I go, I kind of walk back, back by the aisle. I had to go that way anyway. I didn't have to. And I said, and I said, Hey, that's a very nice dress you have. What kind of birds are those in there? She's like, Oh, those are pecans. I was like, um, pecan or whatever, whatever. I thought, Oh, those aren't penguins. And like, we had like a couple of words back and forth, but for some reason I kind of stopped talking and then the conversation ended.

Then ironically, I was behind her online. I just couldn't muster up something intelligent to say to bring the conversation back again. I saw her as I'm leaving, I was like, have a good day. She's like, you too. And I was like, she wanted to talk to me. She was talking to me a little bit. You just got, okay, so this is the thing.

It's the overthinking, it's the being in your head. It's just saying, this might sound weird to you, but can I get your number? You know what to say, because you've done it in the past, but don't be, we've all had those instances of we're like, God damn it, why didn't I get the number? But you did all the right things there, you did.

So now it's just like in the moment, maybe you were focused on something else, you're thinking outside in your mind, but that's what it is. Let me tell you this. There's no perfect pickup lines. There's not even like a, like you could fumble through it. But if you're making eye contact with someone and you're real, you're like, this might sound

weird. I'm actually a little nervous right now, but I want to ask for your number because I find you really interesting. I do think it's a practice and the more you're going to get rejected a lot, people say no, but the more you do that, you will get more comfortable with it and you'll just start, I would just start practicing doing like talking to people that you even aren't attracted to, not asking for their numbers, but just practice having conversations with people and listening.

And I think that's really going to help you as well. Like when you go out, talk to a dude, talk to a woman. Thank you. I mean, this mean, this is so refreshing for me because it's really puts my mind at ease right now. Now I have a better plan of attack for when I'm next at target and I meet the next person, the next sundress. You got nothing to lose.

And you have a great smile, just smile. And be yourself, that's adorable. Really, right there. You got it. You got it, Jason. Will you keep me posted and let me know how it goes? Yeah, sure. Definitely.

Thank you, Jason. I'm glad this happened to you. Thank you. Yeah, it was great to see you. You got this. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast

and share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on SexWithEmily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559TALKSEX. That's 559-825-5739 or just go to SexWithEmily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at SexWithEmily.com.