Sex With Emily - How to Send Your Best Sext

Episode Date: March 26, 2024

Sexting: it’s basically the foreplay of the 21st century - a steamy, sultry way to turn up the heat without even being in the same room. But let's be real, sending a bunch of suggestive emojis out of the blue might leave your partner scratching their head. That's why you need to master the art of sexting, and I'm here to help you do just that. In this show, I'll give you the inside scoop on how to craft the perfect sext, from the right tone to the perfect use of emojis. With my pro tips, you'll be able to turn up the heat and leave your partner begging for more. So buckle up, because we're about to take your sexting game to a whole new level! In this episode you’ll learn:  How emotional intelligence influences your sexting skills How to manage your devices so messages don’t end up in the wrong place How to have good phone sex in a long distance relationship Show Notes: Get your tickets HERE for Sex with Emily LIVE! Sexting Guide Yes, No, Maybe List SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure LELO (use code SEXWITHEMILY for 25% off all products) LELO Sona 2 Travel Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.

Embrace the three dots. Think about it. One of the best parts of sexting is watching the other person type, wondering what they're going to say next. Even the sext that's super simple like, I've got a surprise waiting for you, builds anticipation and arousal. You don't have to say what that surprise is, but you definitely got your partner's attention. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. A great sext is all about anticipation, kind of like foreplay. And as a 21st century way to talk dirty, sexting, when executed well, can be super hot.

Think of sexting like an art form. Well, in this show, I give you pro tips for perfecting yours. Because let's face it, randomly sending a bunch of squirting emojis, it might not be as sexy as it is just confusing for the person on the other side for sure. As with everything in life, good sexting comes down to emotional intelligence. So let's talk shop. This episode is designed to help you send your best sext yet and excite the person receiving your message.

Isn't that the point? Plus, I take your questions like how to start flirting online, how to manage your devices so your messages don't accidentally end up in the wrong place, and how to have good phone sex in a long-distance relationship. Finally, the Sex with Emily community has delivered, and I'm sharing your hottest sexes. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It so helps us when you rate the show and we appreciate it. It helps it get out to the show. It so helps us when you rate the show and we appreciate it. It helps it get out to more listeners. My new articles, 5 super hot lesbian sex

positions and 5 ways to make scheduled sex actually sexy are up on SexWithEmily.com. If you want to ask me a question, leave me your question or message me at SexWithEmily.com slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show and you can change your name or remain anonymous. Not a problem. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Here's my take on your sex life and getting older. Ready?

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I've got some great questions from you on sexting, but before we get into them, I also asked you, the Sex with Emily community, for the hottest sex you've gotten. Thank you so much for sending those in and stay tuned because I'm going to share some of those later on in the episode. So let's talk sexes. Remember they're personal. You get to decide what you want to say. You can plant the seed for something you want to happen in the future, which is great for

testing out a fantasy. See how it feels, see how it's received by your partner. Or you can just reference something you've already done together in the past. If you need inspo, here's an easy rule. Sex your past and future. For past, just draw on a recent sexual experience, pulling out the details you love most. And for the future, describe something you'd love to do to them or have them do to you and mean it.

Okay? You want to mean what you're asking for here. You could start by sexting a fantasy and then incorporate that into a little dirty talk. So a good way to warm things up is describe a fantasy that involves them. So it's like a preview. You could say something like, I get so turned out when I think of you going down on me. Or it's so hard to think about you tying me up and spanking me. Or maybe you're to a fantasy where you're being dominated.

You could say, you know, I did something really bad. You might have to spank me. Another approach is to refer to something that happened to you in the past. We can all do that, right? I can't stop thinking about you putting your hand up my shirt. I was so turned on. Or maybe you saw something together in a movie

and you could be like, oh, that scene when they were in that dark alley having sex in the car, like that was so hot. Even the sext that's super simple, like I've got a surprise waiting for you builds anticipation and arousal. You don't have to say what that surprise is but you definitely got your partner's attention. Another message could be a command. I'm in charge tonight and I'm gonna tear your clothes off the second

you come through the door or give a compliment because who doesn't love compliments? Something like I love putting my hands all over your sexy body. Sexing is also a great way to communicate things that might be more intimidating to communicate in person. I get it. Sometimes it's hard when you're face-to-face contact with a partner saying, you know, I really wish that you would talk dirty to me more. I really wish you would spank me.

So when you're sexting, you know, you're removed from it. You're not in the same room. And don't worry if it feels a little awkward at first. It takes practice to fully find your sexting voice and your dirty talk voice. All of it. But I promise you, you will. Also we have our free Ultimate Guide to Sexting. It's a comprehensive guide to text messaging with like a sexual flavor. So you're gonna get sexed message inspiration, learn best practices, understand sexting emojis.

So go to sexwithemily.com slash guides or just find the link in our show notes and let me know if it works for you. Embrace the three dots. Think about it. One of the best parts of sexting is watching the other person type, wondering what they're gonna say next. So let's use this example. I can't stop thinking about you putting your hand

up my shirt. Broken down into bite-sized sexy bits, you can write it in parts. Letting those three dots build a lot of sexual tension. Text 1. I can't stop thinking about... Text 2... You putting your hand up my shirt. Text 3... Make it extra spicy. And feeling you get hard... Kind of cute, right? Try this easy technique when you want to draw things out a little more. Making them wait in the most painful but erotic way possible.

Their eyes will be glued to those three dots. It's the best. And now the nudes. Your naked photos. Nudes can be a killer confidence boost even if you never send them. So even if you're not seeing anyone right now, so what? Consider a nude photo shoot. It's a fun way to give yourself a jolt of inner sexity whenever you'd like. So get in the mood beforehand with stuff that makes you feel sexy. Remember, it's all about you. So when you feel sexy, it's a lot easier to make photos that you're going to want to share. But right now, this is for you. So maybe it's a bubble bath, a glass of wine, putting on sensual music,

and dancing all by yourself. Watching a little ethical porn, whatever gets you turned on. Penis owners, little masturbation to get erect. Okay, before sending a full frontal, keep the strip tease going by sending something more suggestive at first. Underwear on, hand traveling to different parts that you can't quite see yet. The art of taking nudes about two things,

angles and lighting. So look for filtered lighting rather than fluorescent, which is awful, the overhead light, or direct sunlight where there's just too much glare. The golden hour lighting right before sunset makes everyone's skin look gorgeous. So find a window during golden hour and take your nudes next to that.

All right, the booty. Sit on the edge of a bed, ideally with a mirror nearby. Turn over your shoulder, back arched, booty out, and snap the mirror reflection, flash off. This is a tip from a professional cam girl. A mirror free idea, set your camera up in a flattering angle, turn on video and voila, you are a free idea, set your camera up in a flattering angle, turn on video and voila, you are hands free.

Make all the poses you want while the camera is rolling and then just screenshot your favorites. That's easy. And this tip from our intern, which is genius, put your phone on selfie mode and hold your camera just below your booty from behind. And now you can get your booty and your body in the shot and it'll make your booty look even bigger. Let me know how that goes. Oh, you can also grab a friend and have a nude night. Put on your favorite lingerie set, turn on some sexy lighting, and have a photo shoot. Now you'll have plenty of

content for future sex because let's face it, we're not always photo ready. If you want these photos to be timestamped in the moment while you're sexting, just take a screenshot of the original photo and voila. Finally, don't forget consent. Before using portrait mode on your nipples, ask the other person if it's okay to send them something a little spicy. You can keep it light like, hey what are you doing right now? Want to play a little? This is also a great time to decide where you'd like to text. Doesn't have to happen in your actual text messages and protect your nudes.

If you use Google Photos, you can store them in locked folders so that your friends or anyone else can't accidentally swipe to it. Or on Apple, you can store them in your photo albums hidden folder. Know this, Apple still allows iCloud to sync files that are in a hidden album,

but those files will stay hidden on all the devices they're synced to. You can also store your photos in the notes app and password protect that note. All right, we asked you on Instagram, which is at sexfamily, what's the best sext you've received? Here we go for a little inspo.

I was told she wanted to suffocate my face and penis. Unsolicited erotic photos midday. Ooh, I like this one. A voice note of them moaning. That's hot. Pictures of my wife playing with herself. A description of the last time we'd been together. What he loved about it.

Just plus the memory. To be honest, an open table reservation confirmation to a very nice restaurant. I guess restaurants is their love language. An old ex and I basically wrote a romance novel back and forth to each other for years. Oh, that's hot. Another one, I want you. Legs over your head, deep as I can. See you guys, that's the description I'm talking about. Be descriptive, that's hot.

And you all have these memories. You all have had sex, there's a flash or there's a moment that you remember. Describe that moment in detail. Okay, another one, a friend admitted she masturbated thinking of me and described her fantasy in detail. Sushi for dinner, describing a slow blow job in significant detail.

My partner describing in detail what she wanted to do to me. Then we acted it all out. My boyfriend talking about all the things he wants to do to my butt in explicit detail. Thank you so much for sharing your best sex. And what these all have in common is that they were specific and they were personal and they turned you all on. All right everyone on to your questions. Okay this is from Anna 22 in London. Hey Dr. Emily my boyfriend and I have been long distance for about

two months now and we've gotten to the swing of engaging in phone or FaceTime sex. My boyfriend's really good at dirty talk and knowing what to say while we were on the phone. I however get a little at dirty talk and knowing what to say while we were on the phone. I, however, get a little quiet and don't know what to say, but I'd love to contribute. I try to think about what I want him to be doing to me or what an experience has been like between us in the past, but I can't ever get the words out

or properly do it any justice, any tips. Yes, Anna, listen, none of us are born talking dirty at all. You don't come out of the womb being like, I can't stop thinking about your hands on my ass last night. Like no, this is practice and it's awkward. It is awkward and it's uncomfortable. So just know that. You got to practice on your own is my first tip. Try it in the shower. Find your dirty talk voice, which is usually a little bit slower. It's more, you know, it's a little bit raunchier, a little bit dirtier. You find the level that works for you. And if you're not sure, like, but I don't even know what to say,

read erotica. Watch porn. Listen to audio erotica. Explore ways you can communicate your sexuality in your own ways and on your own terms. So think about it. Like what does your partner do that you like? Maybe you like the way he puts his hand on his ass. Maybe you like the way he looks naked.

Think about the most memorable times you've had sex. What was happening in that moment? What did he do? What did he say? What did he look like? What did he smell like? Well, tell him in your own words, you know? Like I can't stop thinking about when you came in and you started to kiss down my neck and then you ripped my clothes off and then you were kissing me and went down on me or I love the way you tasted in my mouth. You know, just practice that you could write down these lines, you could journal them, you can look in the mirror and just

start to understand your voice and what to say. You could even record it and play it back to yourself. So just know, like everything, dirty talk is a practice. And now when you're having sex with him or you're communicating or he's saying stuff, right after, start to journal, write your notes out and like figure out like, okay, what do I want to say to him? First figure out what you want to say and then you practice the voice and you're gonna get this in no time. You

also said you like the way your partner talks so what is it that he says? What do you like about the way he talks and how can you sort of make that your own? Alright thanks for your question Anna I appreciate you. I'll be right back after a quick break for our sponsors. So just stick around. But first, let me tell you about Lalo. Lalo makes wonderful toys that you would be obsessed with like I am, but their latest is the Sona 2 Travel from Lalo.

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So if you want to try this Sona 2 travel this summer and get 25% off all LELO products, when you use the code SEX WITH EMILY at checkout, you should totally do that right now. Go to LELO.com, that's L-E-L-O.com. Use code SEX WITH EMILY for 25% off or just click the link in our show notes. Hey, it's Emily. I know you know me from my podcast, Sex with Emily, which I've been doing now for almost 20 years. It's been downloaded over half a billion times, but

now I have an announcement to make. I am breaking out of the studio and coming to a live theater audience. I'll be in San Diego on April 10th and then in Phoenix on April 18th. So let's talk about sex. During these nights, I'm going to get into all of your nitty gritty sex questions. And I, come on, I know you have sex questions like how to give your partner an orgasm, how to top dirty, how do you experiment with role play, using a toy, we're going to laugh, we're going to learn. I mean, who doesn't want to improve their sex lives with some new friends in the audience?

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So mark your calendars, San Diego on April 10th, Phoenix on April 18th. Trust me, this is one night you won't wanna miss. So I hope to see you there. Spread the word, tell your friends, and we'll put the links in the show notes, San Diego, Phoenix, and more to come. So let's laugh our way to better sex together.

Are you in? This is from Emily29 in the United States. Hey Dr. Emily, I recently started listening to your podcast. I'm an immediate fan. Thank you. I'm 29 years old and I feel a little silly saying this, but I have a crush on my coworker. I have no idea if he has any interest in me or even notices me. Our roles overlap and we are in small group meetings weekly.

All of our interactions are virtual, Zoom with cameras and on Slack, primarily. Can you please share some best practices for flirting online? And how would you recommend finding out if the feelings are mutual? Thank you so much. Alright Emily, great question. Now remember, if it's just through work, like if it's Slack or your work email, your boss has access to everything that you write. So remember you gotta just get his number,

separately if you could say something like, hey, I wanted to ask you a question, can you shoot me your number? So do that and then your fair game. I think you should just set up a time to work with him in person one day. Do you guys live near each other? Could you say, hey, let's get up coffee,

I'd love to talk to you about this project. And then you could see if there's actual interest because it's really hard to tell over Zoom and you want to meet in person anyway. But if you do, you could just set a playful emoji. You could say, I really like the way what you said today in that meeting and just see where it goes from there. But I think again, just to leave it up to texting and you work together, he might be careful too. So you can somehow find a way. Has he ever said anything in a meeting like, Oh, yeah, I went to this concert last night or you like some kind of sports or he has a favorite food. There might be a way that you could say, oh, I know you like Italian.

There's a new Italian restaurant that opened near my house. Want to meet there for lunch one day or meet there for dinner. You know, pay attention to what he says and then see if you can kind of follow up with a question that could lead you guys to make a plan. So that's I recommend Emily. Okay let me know how it goes. This email is from Rob. Hey Dr. Emily I love your podcast and all you do. Thanks so much for providing so much. My question for you today is how do we keep things enticing or flirtatious to keep up with the foreplay and the sexting and the messaging integrations? What I mean by this is most smartphones integrate with tablets and computers very often. When you have young children at home who might also use these devices, how do we keep it private? We

tried using different codes like emojis but they catch on real quick. They're like dad why'd you send mom an eggplant again? Is there a certain type of privacy setting or new type of code that parents use to keep things exciting and back and forth with texting? Okay, well there's one that Tali and our team recommended for you and she said if you have Apple products go into your settings and sign out of your iMessage account and that way your phone text won't automatically sync and display on your computer. So sync and display on your computer. So she had to awkwardly figure this out when when they were syncing and watching a family movie and her sexes kept popping

up on the computer where her entire family was watching something. So she had to learn this. So that's for iMessage. You can also use more secure messaging platforms that are not connected to Apple like Snapchat or WhatsApp. I've used these apps before. I would recommend those. The easiest to Apple like Snapchat or WhatsApp. I've used these apps before. I would recommend those. The easiest to use, they're free, they're pretty intuitive, and kids aren't gonna get sexed in the middle of the day,

which no one wants that. All right, Rob, I love that you're married and have young kids and you're still sexting because never let that stop. This is from Nicole, 26 in South Carolina. Hey, Dr. Emily, my boyfriend and I have been together for two years now and we're doing long distance. We have been since the beginning of our relationship. We live nine hours apart but see each other once a month. Since we're not together a lot we explore with sexting.

In the past month or so I've seen a significant increase in how much he's masturbating. He's masturbating at least once a day, sometimes twice a day to the point where I'm getting confused because he's gonna do this and then we're actually together so he won't even finish. Do you think this is an issue or something I need to be concerned about? Sometimes I feel like all he does is sex me and he's becoming addicted to it. I haven't said anything because I like that he's pleasuring himself, but just got to be so much I don't know what to do. Thanks! Alright Nicole, thanks for your question and I get this a lot you guys.

We are concerned about our partners masturbation habits. Now once, twice a day, pretty typical for a lot of penis owners. They're gonna masturbate once a day and that's fine. We usually when we know that there's a problem with masturbation, it's when there's consequences. When you realize that he can't get up for work anymore or you know like you said here he's not even finishing with you. Now that is just something that you might want to talk to him about and just say, hey is this something that's happened to you before? Like tell me more about you not finishing.

Rather than like holding it in and not wanting to say anything like maybe you could also link it back to oh yeah I guess maybe I've been masturbating too much because only really he knows if there's a consequence from it. I'm wondering you've been together for two years and now you're doing long-distance. Do you have plans to be in the same place at any time because you're 26 years old and I'm just wondering like I always want to reinforce people in long-distance relationships and it's important to know that there's a time that you're going to be back together in the same place. Otherwise like you're just on the phone all the time or you're sexting or you're therethere's nothing wrong with that but when that becomes a whole

relationship you want to make sure well oh yeah we're gonna be back together again in six months or a year from now. But if it's just an ongoing long-distance thing and you're in your 20s which I think is a wonderful time to figure out who you are and what you want, who you are as a sexual being, I want you to take a look at that. But I think the best thing you can do Nicole is you have all this time being long distance. Have like a FaceTime date where you explore some things together. You talk about your sex life.

You talk about what you guys are into. You talk about his masturbation practice. You talk about your sex life. You know, do you are yes, no, maybe less. Start to expand and explore like what can you guys do when you're together that can make your sex life hot. You can even just say to them, I love hearing your texts, make it kind. Like I love hearing from you

about masturbating and I love when you flirt with me and sex with me. But I realize that lately it seems like it's been a lot more and I'm wondering how that feels to you. And just see what he says. Talk about it. What a good opportunity if you're not in the same city together to be able to practice having conversations that are awkward and can be challenging. So many of us never had these conversations with partners. We just hope we're gonna figure it out. We hope that they're gonna go away, but the issues never go away. You always got to talk about it and get on the same page and

listen, I think it's important to know what is going on when you are not with him with his penis with his thoughts all the things thanks Nicole this is from Brooke 23 in Washington DC hey Dr. Emily my boyfriend I just started doing long distance after a year of dating long story short he has to move across the country indefinitely for family reasons he loves to sext and can be in the mood for dirty talk anytime, day or night. For me though, it takes a lot more to get me interested and focus on sexting. Do you have any advice for how I can be better about getting in the mood and keeping our sexual flame? Alright Brooke, first, I'm sorry your boyfriend moved away indefinitely.

That sounds really tough. I hope that you somehow get clear on a time that he's going to come back and be in the same place. And also it's big sense that you're not raring to go with sexting 24 seven. I don't really know anyone who is. So you get to also set the parameters here about when you want to talk and what feels right for you. What are you doing right now to keep your own sexual flay going? Are you masturbating? Are you exploring? Are you fantasizing? Are you figuring out what feels good to you? Are you thinking about

your partner when you are? Because maybe you could share some things with him. Like you can even write some of these things ahead of time. So next time you masturbate and you think about them, open up your notes app in your phone or whatever you use to take notes and just write down like I was thinking about how great it feels to kiss you or that time you went down on me or the time we had sex at your mom's house and she almost walked in or like whatever the memories are that you have about your sex life just start jotting them down and listen when you're sexting someone you can write about something that's happened

in the past something you want to happen in the future something that's happening in the moment so mostly you're asking me here, about how to get in the mood. Maybe you need more of a connection with him. Like I get that he's with his parents and he's at his parents' house, that is not ideal situation, but can you like set a time, like eight o'clock tonight,

we're both gonna FaceTime, we're gonna have like a virtual date. So you actually can see him and you can kind of turn each other on, you can connect with him. It's really hard just to keep sexting someone that you're not seeing. You get to figure out ways that you want to connect with him and maybe you need to see him. You can only sex for so long

without actually seeing someone's face. So I want to make sure you guys are doing some of that. Some of that virtual connecting. Right now it's actually a good time to be in a long-distance relationship like because there's so many opportunities for it now. Like there's so many apps where you can date virtually, where you can use video function, you can use sex toys now that you can, your partner can control across the world. There's a lot of different great like card games

where you can ask each other questions so you can deepen your intimacy and you can figure out your turn-ons and you can get closer that way and the technology is such that you can actually see your partner. And when you do, that might be enough. So I'm feeling like you just might need to kind of flip this and say, I don't want to be sexting 24-7, but what I do want is I want more of these deep soulful

intimate connections where I see your face and we're on WhatsApp or on FaceTime and we are really connecting and maybe less is more here. So it's okay. You get to decide as well what works for you. And Brooke, I don't want you to put pressure on yourself here that you are doing something wrong, that you need to be responsive to what your partner wants, because we all have our own sexual rhythms and we all have different ways that we want to connect with partners and so he's at home. Maybe his parents are driving him crazy and he's like I'm texting you 24-7, I'm sexting you. It's okay for you to get set your own rhythm and routine and he's gonna respect you for it as well. I promise. This is from anonymous 40 in

Florida. Hey Dr. Emily my husband cheated me with a co-worker three years ago. Now there's a new lady he's become friendly with and it makes me uncomfortable. We talked about this. He said he understood it when stopped talking to her. I found evidence on his phone that he has not stopped talking to her and feels so betrayed. Am I just suffering from extreme jealousy or do I have a right to be upset? I feel completely devalued and not loved. Thanks Dr. Emily. I love the show.

Yes, Anonymous, you have every right to be upset and feeling betrayed, especially after three years ago there was an incident. Listen, we don't just automatically repair a relationship just because someone cheated it's not like well time has gone by and I shouldn't I should trust them now no you guys need to do some deep work you need to go into therapy together you need to understand the cheating what happened why it happened and there's a lot of work to do here so now you're being retraumatized because there's a new person he's become friendly with and of course it's going to make you

uncomfortable and then he told you he's gonna stop talking to her and he didn't. So what I'm hearing here is like this is the case of you and your husband needed to get into therapy with a trusted counselor that can help you guys understand where is this desire coming from in him to have to be connected with women to keep it private from you what happened a few years ago with cheating and then you can repair. Because listen, relationships are not about perfection, they're about repair, but you have to know how to repair, you have to know how to have the conversations. What was it that drives him? What is the

attention that he needs from women? What is his ego need? Like why is this happening? And you deserve answers to know what steps he's gonna take towards gaining your trust back. And just because you're with him and he says, I'm sorry, doesn't mean that you're just supposed to be, oh, I'm all better. And I trust you get, especially when there's evidence that he is still doing some of the same things and repeating some of the same infractions from the past. So there's nothing wrong with you. But I would do right now when you're hearing this anonymous,

get a therapist and you need to go once a week for the next three months. And you can also get on Zoom therapist. I'm cool with that. But all this like we love time and it is the most important work you can do. If you want to make your marriage work, nothing else I can tell you is going to make it work. I'm not going to help you repair it here in one email in one call on the show. But what I can tell you is working with a therapist is going to help. All right. I'm sorry this is happening to you and I can't wait for you to get the answers.

Thanks for your email. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex With Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at SexWithEmily.com.

And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to SexWithEmily.com slash Ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at SexWithEmily.com.