Sex With Emily - Keeping Your Sexy Resolutions

Episode Date: January 3, 2025

The best sex of your life doesn’t happen by chance. If it did, we’d all be having it. In this episode, I share my own sex and dating intentions for the year and help you plan your own. I guide you through our Pleasure Planner, and we explore how prioritizing your sex life will benefit your overall life. I also answer questions about confidence in the bedroom, STIs and condoms, and if it’s possible to repair a relationship after someone cheats. If you need some inspiration to create your own sex and love goals, download our free Pleasure Planner sexwithemily.com/guides. Or just click the link HERE! In this episode, you’ll learn: How to use the Sex With Emily Pleasure Planner Practical ways to communicate your desires and co-create a sex life that excites you How to set and stick to sex and pleasure goals that truly prioritize your needs Show Notes: Shop for Massage Candles at shopsexwithemily.com! Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Head to thrivemarket.com/swe and get 30% off your first order, plus a FREE $60 gift! Start selling with Shopify today. Head to shopify.com/swe for your one-dollar-per-month trial period. Yes! No! Maybe? List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides.  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website  Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube Let’s text: Sign up here Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com

So maybe you get on top and you just start to move around slowly and just start to take control. Maybe take his hand and gently put it on your breasts or put it where you want it. Being really kind about it, but just think, hey, this would feel good. Take their hand and go do this, do that. Like hopefully it'll be cool. They'll be like, oh God, thank God. I want wanna know.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. All right, I am setting you up with a year of pleasure in this episode. Okay, maybe you made a New Year's resolution. Maybe not. What I realized about resolutions is that they kind of set us up for failure.

They're often unattainable and then we end up feeling worse. Are you on track? Are you staying committed? Are you sexually satisfied? Does your love life need some inspiration? What about your personal life? Maybe you're taking time off to work on yourself. I check in on my own intentions which I share with you and I talk through our pleasure planner with one of our teammates, Amanda, to discuss how we're gonna prioritize our pleasure

and how it will indeed benefit your life. I also answer questions about SDIs and condoms, how to ask for what you want in the bedroom, and how to heal a relationship if your partner cheated. So if you want to create your own sex and love goals, just check out our Pleasure Planner at SexWithEmily.com slash downloads. And another thing I want to remind you is that this is a great show to listen to with a partner. A lot of couples listen together. It's sort of your sex therapy, but you don't have to go to someone's office. You can have me talk you through it. You can stop it, you know, in the middle and say, Hey, what do you think about what she just said? Should we try that?

So it's another way to facilitate healthy communication in your relationship. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. Subscribe wherever you're listening, that really helps us. It just helps get the show out to more people and help everyone, people just like you. And you can find me at all social media, Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, threads, X, it's all at Sex with Emily.

Be sure to check out my new article, How to Master Cowgirl and Reverse Cowgirl on our website, sexwithemily.com. All right everyone, enjoy this episode. It's the most wonderful time of the year, or is it? Real talk between family gatherings and holiday parties and just a little more on our plates than usual, our health can take its toll.

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with promo code SEX WITH EMILY. That's JustThriveHealth.com and code SEX WITH EMILY for 20% off. Okay let's get real. When was the last time you thought about your vaginal health? I'm not talking about a quick wipe or splash of water. I mean, really caring for your vulva and vagina like you do the rest of your body. You've got serums for your face, vitamins for your hair, probiotics for your gut, but what about down there?

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more connection, and maybe even more orgasms. So I've made it part of my evening self-care routine. After brushing my teeth, getting cozy, I apply just a little bit of V-Health serum on my vulva and it feels like I'm giving that part of my body the love it deserves. I mean, a lot of us walk around completely disconnected from our body so I know every day I'm making a connection. And here's the kicker. It's hormone free. So no worrying about side effects. Your vulva deserves this. Whether you're navigating perimenopause, postpartum, or just wanna stay ahead of the game.

V-Health is preventative care that works. Think of it like sunscreen, but for your vagina. So show yourself some love. Go to getvhealth.com and use code EMILY25 for 25% off. That's G-E-T-V-HEALTH.COM and use code EMILY25 for 25% off. That's G-E-T-V-HEALTH.COM and use code EMILY25 at checkout. Trust me, your vulva and your entire body will thank you. So let's talk a little bit about pleasure. You know, I always say I'm here to prioritize your pleasure and help us have more pleasure. But do you ever think like what is your relationship to pleasure?

And there's a lot of different theories around why it's so hard for us to experience pleasure and one of them is there's a fear of loss. Like we subconsciously or not, we deny ourselves pleasure because we think if I go out there and I try to get pleasure, I won't get pleasure. We want to protect ourselves from suffering. We want to protect ourselves from loss. And so I thought that was kind of interesting because you know we always say if you study any sort of Eastern philosophy, it's all about non-attachment and not being attached to things. But it's really hard to do when you think, well, if I look forward to this thing, it might not happen. Or if I get excited about a new partner, maybe they're going to disappoint

me. And we just hold back from allowing ourselves to experience pleasure. So I think that that's part of it that we, we, we try so hard to stay alive and to, to be in our, you know, I got to work hard and I got to be a good friend and a good lover and a good daughter, good son or all the things. And so hard to stay alive and to do all the things that we do to sort of check all the boxes that we think is pleasure or something that we're going to come to later. Only if I deserve it, only if I've checked all the boxes, do I deserve pleasure. And so we deny ourselves any forms of pleasure often. And when I think of pleasure, I think of it as something that is, I don't know, I guess I

think it's like it's about being alive and about being present and being aligned and open. I feel like when I'm in a pleasurable state, I feel more creative and I feel more in flow. And so I'm here to say and enforce today that we actually require pleasure. Pleasure is our birthright everyone. I think it's just interesting to think about your relationship to pleasure because today we have a pleasure planner that we have on our website and it's something that you can download. I'm going to walk through it with Amanda who's here with me. So you guys can actually figure out your relationship to pleasure, what it's meant to you in the past and then

how to actually do the work. Amanda is joining me here today. Hi, Amanda. Hello. Thanks for having me. Of course, of course. And thank you for helping create this wonderful planner. So should we talk about the experience of the planner and what people can expect? Yeah, so the Pleasure Planner is about seven pages and there are two big main sections. One is Reflect, where you're invited to look back and think about some moments that really meant a lot to you. We encourage people to maybe look through old iPhone photos or go on a walk so they can clear their mind.

And then it starts off with sections about, about okay so let's reflect on our pleasure let's look back on this past year and ask ourselves some questions and see what comes up no pressure just doing a little research. Right and then we go ahead and we start helping plan it we're gonna walk through it in a minute but Amanda well so what's been your experience with pleasure? What you were saying earlier about how pleasure felt like something we needed to earn through hard work really resonated with me, especially in regards to sex. I never, not never, but when I was younger, I did not connect sex and pleasure. Sex felt like this thing that I was supposed to do at some point. I started

having sex as a teenager like a lot of people do and it was not at all focused on pleasure. It was more to do it honestly and I had a healthy entrance into sex, like nothing traumatic or anything like that. But still it was so much more focused on my male partner's pleasure than it was for me. And I was in two long-term relationships and I didn't orgasm with a partner until after I graduated college. And that to me was such a profound experience.

The partner was not healthy, but the sex was great, which I think is a rite of passage. Right. It is a rite of passage. Healthy partner is great sex. That's part of being a human, I guess. But that experience did teach me that I could own my pleasure during sex. I think I've talked about it with you before. He was the person who called me out on faking my orgasms.

I love that. I don't love it, but that story was such a... I mean, a lot of us have faked orgasm, are still faking orgasms. We don't encourage it. But the fact he called you out on it at a restaurant. It was just like... Yes, so I realized that pleasure could be a part of sex

that was meant for me too. And the older I got and the more experience I had, I realized that healthy partners aren't going to just look at you after they're done with sex and say, oh, did you finish? They're going to make it a team effort. And I think that what this pleasure planner does is yes, it is very much so grounded in your sexual pleasure, but

beyond that as well. It's encouraging you to look for pleasure in all facets of your life and because sexual pleasure is something that I feel like is so hard for so many of us to access, when you start accessing sexual pleasure you're able to find more areas in your life where you can find a similar level of enjoyment. Yeah, exactly. Like there are other things that it might take a bit to think about what are those things that give you pleasure? You know, for me, it's like seeing friends, being in nature, you know, these aren't so unique.

I think a lot of us have it, but when you make a list of all the things that give you pleasure, I mean, I don't know how long your list might be, maybe 10, 15, 20, and then you get to look at this and kind of plug it in. How I have to make sure. So when I say prioritize your pleasure, I don't just mean orgasms. It's like I'm gonna try to see friends twice a week. I'm gonna make sure that I'm in nature. I'm gonna make sure that I'm gardening or shopping or if you have a healthy relationship with it, whatever it is that gives you joy. So

let's just get into it, the Pleasure Planner. So we built it in two ways. Like you could do it on your own or you and your partner could fill it out together, you could fill out separately and come together. We just want you to spend some time going through it. So in the first section, the Pleasure Reflections, I sat down and I was like, oh god, this year did I have that much pleasure? But it was so great to go through it and think, oh I did have some great sex. Like I thought, like the best sex I had this year was when, okay, so here's one of the benefits of doing this show for a while.

I have a partner, I've had a few partners this year, several, I'm not in a committed relationship, but I do have a few lovers that circle about. And so a few of them listened to the show. I used to discourage that that or I used to think, oh, if they listen, they're going to have judgment. But I think I'm in a much different place now. When I just, I'm like, please listen. I talk about what's good, what I like all the time. And I would say the best sex I had was when I came home and this partner, he had, I gave him

a coat to my house and he came in and he got me sushi from my favorite place, Sugarfish, and he made me a cocktail and he had gone into my room and I have these underbed restraints from sports sheets that are under my bed, which makes sense, but it means that they're always there, but I don't, and I, he's heard me say on the show, I don't often use them, and he had pulled them out and I didn't even go into my room because we had dinner and it was just so nice to come home because what I found is what robs me of pleasure a lot and even of sexual experiences is that I get home or maybe I'll rush out to a date or something will happen and I don't have that in-between moment to get

back into my body to relax to feel ready for connection with someone else. And so I think what happened was I came home and I took a shower and he was like, that's okay, I'm just setting things up. And then I was able to have those moments to decompress. And then I came out and he had my favorite meals and drinks and we got to talk and connect, which is all things that are really important to me.

I need to feel connected. If we hadn't talked all week, like what's going on with you, here's what's going on with me. And then we went into my room and he had walked in there and he had it all like set up with like my toys out that I liked and my restraint things. And he knows that I've been wanting to do more of that. And he just sort of led the charge. He was like, I'm in charge, like put this blindfold on, I'm going to do all these things. And it was sort of this, if. He was like, I'm in charge, like put this blindfold on, I'm gonna do all these things. And it was sort of this, if I say that was the best sex I had, for me it was because it was like,

I didn't have to be in charge, I didn't have to think so much. I had felt listened to, I had felt that he was there for me. He lit a massage candle and just sort of knew me so well in that moment. And then, you know, the most excellent sex ensued. That's a really powerful reflection. So what did you learn from yourself from that reflection?

Well, I learned that it's easier than I thought to let go and to allow myself to receive because I still had that even after this whole night that was about me and my pleasure I thought well what do you need can I he's like babe you give me so much I've had so much pleasure with you and I know how hard you work and I want to just be here for you so what it's done is that's it or something that I want to continue to work on continuing to allow myself to remember that my partners especially the ones I'm with now because we've all

been with people who are not invested in our pleasure especially the ones I'm with now, because we've all been with people who are not invested in our pleasure, but the partners I'm with now want to please me. They've had enough orgasms in their life. They don't, they're not into like I have to come every time or I need all these things. Although they usually do, that they are the partners who get off when I'm pleased. Like I'm with someone now who, so have you been through this experience Amanda? Have you been with guys who go down on you? And maybe they do it for a while and they do a completion, but they don't seem as turned on.

Like they're like, okay, now you got to go down on me cause I'm not as aroused. But for me, this really works. That this partner has like an erection. He's like ready to go. Like it is such a turn on for him to go down on me. And he's like, I just want to have sex with you you right now because he's just so turned on by my orgasm Which is I believe that's the ideal partners for me

But that doesn't always happen not to say it's bad if your partner doesn't have erection or you know He needs something else. I'm saying for me. It was just it was such a delight. So I think what I learned is that Reinforce myself that I can't find partners who are invested in my pleasure and it's just as much of a turn on for them as it is for me. Oh, that's beautiful. And I had when you said, have you ever experienced this? One of the sections is I felt the most pleasure when dot dot dot. And this might be crass, but I literally wrote writing my boyfriend's face.

Not at all. Right away, sister. Yeah, I was like, because he was just like, hop on. And a similar thing, having somebody be so enthusiastic about giving to you, I think is really powerful, especially when you work so hard and your focus is so proactive. You're so in control. I mean, you, you own a business, so you're controlling a lot that to relinquish that control can be a really powerful, pleasurable moment. And I think that's a great thing to realize.

Yeah, exactly. And that's why I want to go back to the restraints. I feel like sometimes I gloss over these things and assume that you all know them, but that's the ultimate power. They're these Velcro straps. There's four restraints, two at the top of the bed and two at the bottom of the bed. So they go around my hands and they go around my feet. And then it's all like, I couldn't move. And it's such an easy way to do a little bit of light bondage because there's like Velcro on it and it's easy to use. I just wanted to go back because I know there might be questions that come in on that. Also, one of my other experiences was I felt most desirable when I had another experience

this year with a partner that was really into tantric sex. And it was just like a fleet. I was only with him for, he was in town for a short while and it was just like one of those beautiful like few week romance and he was more of a healer and then we would do breath work and then we would do we would continue it into our into our lovemaking into our sex life and we would just kind of breathe together and it was just I felt like my ability to connect and orgasm I didn't have as many thoughts in my head that were, is it my turn? You know the things I still do just so you know. We talk about this all the time. I mean you all email me often about how do I get

out of my head. It is, you're never done. It still comes up for me. Things come into my head. I worry about things. But now I have tools and breath is a key tool that helps me. And so was there anything else that stuck out on this first page for you, the pleasure reflections that you were excited about, Amanda? Yeah. So my most desirable was my boyfriend and I went to a concert together that was walking distance from my house and I wore like a school girl mini skirt, a crop top, and a choker. And it was

February or January, so I was wearing a coat over it, like the leather jacket. But when I took it off at the concert, he was so in awe, and he was so just like, holy shit, like this. And it was one of his favorite bands that halfway through the concert, he was like, we need to go home. Like we need to go home right now. I have to take that off of you. Oh my God. Yeah. You talk so much about spontaneity and that was spontaneous and exciting. And that was a, that was a fun, like memory to look back on and I thought I'm gonna dress sexy more often. Why not? It's super inspiring. One of my, when we jump ahead, that was something that I had talked about was my pleasure goals. One of them was to dress up more because I realize that that's something that

I don't and I've talked about this in the show before for whatever reason and I feel sexy. I just, I don't prioritize it, but I've all this cute lingerie and cute things that I feel good in, that I feel sexy in, and I often just don't do it, or I don't make enough time to actually prepare for sex, and for me that are just feeling sexy, and so one of mine was to work out in the new year, like doing more dress up and more playing.

So then we also throw in here, it's kind of partial yes, no maybe list, which we often talk about on the show, which is it just gives you a bunch of things to think about. Are these things interesting to me? And we just listed like edging and oral and anal play, making out, costumes and watching porn. And you can just kind of circle some of these

and try some things new. So if you just need some ideas, we have them in there for you. And then we get into predictions of what you're going to commit to in the future. Like this year I will try, this year I will try more dressing up was my first one. And then I said more partner played anal on my partner because that's something new that I've been with more of my penis having partners that are into it. And I just, I don't know, I think in the past, I just hadn't really prioritized it. I hadn't had many partners who were down and curious. So more pleasure for them too, which would give me pleasure. But dressing was the first one.

I know. I love the combination of that. Right? One for me, one for you. So what about here on this predictions? So one thing that I've learned while working here is that your body can memorize how you orgasm and that that's often why we find that we can only orgasm with a certain toy or in a certain position and I feel like I've kind of gotten myself stuck in that where I'm like I can only have an orgasm in a specific way So that's one thing I want to learn this year. I want to like learn how to have orgasms in different positions Both with myself and with my partner. So I think that'll be something fun to that is a great thing to explore You just brought up something really great. So it's like it's like people ask us all the time

How come I can only orgasm with my vibrator or this certain way. So everything's possible. Everything is a practice. So I love that you can orgasm in one way everyone, but I'm here to tell you you can orgasm in a lot of ways. Yeah, I'm super excited to try that. Oh, good Amanda.

See now we get to check in a year from now and see how it's going. So, well, I actually want wanna ask you though, Amanda, let me ask you this, how are you gonna go about learning to have different kinds of orgasm? What's the, do you have a plan yet or things you wanna start trying?

Yeah, so earlier when I was doing the reflect section, I wrote down that I learned that it is sexy to communicate your needs. I think that it's something that I've always been really shy about thinking it's unsexy to tell my partner, oh, spend more time doing this or move your hand that way. But I've gotten so much better at that with my partner and having conversations with you and being so much more open about my sex life. So I think what I'm going to do is just be very vocal about my needs and if we're trying things in a different position than normal, I'm just going to tell him we're going to do some experimenting.

We're going to do some playing around here. Let's try this. Let's try using this toy and making it kind of like an experiment. Yes, and enroll him. Yeah, I love that idea. Like enroll him in your pleasure. You could even do this with him, you know, this pleasure planner. But also, yeah, saying this is, because I think that like again, I'm gonna say it again. I've probably already said this episode that your partner wants to please you. And so enrolling them rather than looking at it as like, oh, it's gonna be a demand on them and they're gonna resent me for it. But saying, hey, let's try some new things this year. This is for me. This would help me. This would help you. And that's when you really have that whole beautiful cycle of giving and receiving where the lines are blurred and you just you give, you

give, receive, give, receive and then it just becomes a beautiful exchange. I love that. Then the last page of it is we talk about planning your pleasure and then what your intentions are. We ask you your intentions and then we get into your goals for the year. How you know what you want the year to feel like. Do you want to tell me what are your pleasure goals Amanda for the year? This is kind of a combo one. I want to try new room massage slash incorporate more massage play. Whether that's with a massage oil candle or like special massage oil lube hybrids. Right.

But my boyfriend's like obsessed with new room massage and it's kind of like an investment because you have to buy a special sheet for it. It's this, you've probably heard of it, but I'll say what it is just in case people don't know, but it's when you oil both of yourselves up and you give each other massages with your body on this like special sheet. Yes. And it looks so fun. I know the founder, it's so funny you said this, I met the founders of it at a conference once here and they were awesome and they, did you get some already? No but I did get the massage candles that you talk about. Have you used it yet? No I ordered it. That was part of

me trying to stick to my pleasure. So it's like step one, get the candle. You always talk about it, Amanda, just buy the candle. It's amazing, you guys. Essentially, it's a candle and you, it's not, don't try this at home with a regular wax candle, but it's not made of wax. It's made of massage oil. So when you light it, you light it for a few minutes, blow it out, and then you pour it on your partner. And it's not like hot or messy. It might be a little bit messier than you like, but it's not sticky. It doesn't like ruin your sheets. But you pour it on them and take this warm, luxurious oil and then you can massage them and then you can get on top of them. It's sort of new-rew like and that you both get really slippery,

slidey and it's a fun experience. So one of my pleasure goals is more breath work and tantra actually. So now I'm inspired. I hope you guys are inspired too. You guys should totally check out our pleasure planner. Let me know what you think of it and then you have to actually sign it and commit. And I commit to yourself, and we don't want to break agreements to ourselves right so I'm wishing you guys so much pleasure this

year thank you so much Amanda for joining me to walk this through but remember try with yourself try it with our partner and let's just make this the sexiest year yet when we come back I'm talking to Jessica who's wondering if it's okay to have sex with her new partner without a condom. Can we all agree that post-holiday life can feel a bit chaotic? For me, the new year is all about simplifying and resetting, especially when it comes to eating healthier. But did you know over 10,000 chemicals are allowed in our US food supply? While the EU only allows 300, that's crazy. I don't have time to sip through ingredient labels,

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Just scan an item and it suggests cleaner, healthier alternatives. I've swapped out sugary snacks for simple mills crackers and lesser evil popcorn. These are my new faves and I'm a snacker. And their site filters are a lifesaver. I'm focusing on high protein meals this year. So I just filter by high protein options

and it helps me find exactly what I need without any guesswork. Ready for a junk free start to 2025? Head to thrivemarket.com slash SWE and you get 30% off your first order, plus a free $60 gift. That's T-H-R-I-V-E, market.com slash SWE, thrivemarket.com slash SWE. Trust me, you're going to love how easy healthy living can be. Okay.

Let's talk to Jessica 34 in Oregon. Hi, Jessica. What's going on? Thanks for calling. Hi, Emily. Hi, thanks. You know, I was just wanting your opinion. I'm seeing someone and it's fairly new.

It's only been about a month or a little over a month. And I just wanted your opinion on having sex without a condom and when it's typical that people that are dating and having sex generally stop using them. That's a great question, Jessica. I love that you're thinking this way because in a perfect world, we would all get tested every few months and then you would compare results. If you've decided to be exclusive with your partner and you both find out that you are negative, then you would be safe to not be using condoms.

But otherwise, you just don't know, right? Your partner could be a carrier and then you could still get like herpes, for example, but not have symptoms. He might not have symptoms. So you're really just, I mean, if you're both down with getting tested and then sharing those results, that's what I recommend. And then you'll feel, you'll have peace of mind. Absolutely. Yeah. So I would say keep using condoms until you know and hopefully we'll get tested. Okay, thank you very much for that information. Sure, of course, Tessica. Yeah, anytime. Thanks for calling. I appreciate you. Have the safety conversation and just have it about everything. I've done the things where I was like, oh well,

it's already been a few weeks so we might as well just stop using a condom. That makes no sense. That makes no sense. You don't know. You have no idea. No idea. Let's talk to Jason 37 in Texas. Let's talk to Jason 37 in Texas. Hi Jason, what's going on? So about four years ago, my wife had gone back to her home state to visit some family members up there. Came back home, something seemed off. So went through her Google account and found some interesting Google searches

while she was up there. So confronted her about it, She denied, denied, denied. Turns out while she was up there, she met with one of her ex boyfriends from her past and it went from just a coincidence to a few days later, finding out that it was actually an arranged thing and that they had been talking for a few months. So we're still together to this day. few days later finding out that it was actually an arranged thing and that they had been talking for a few months. So we're still together to this day. Okay. But here lately, I think

a lot of that is starting to kind of just turn that ugly little demon inside of me now with the jealousy still and questioning everything. We haven't gone to see a therapist yet, which is my fault. I just kind of looked at her and said, oh, you go figure it out yourself, because I did nothing wrong style thing. So now we are still looking for a good one, because I do want this relationship. Oh, good, Jason.

I'm so glad, because you're absolutely right. People, it happened four years ago, but now you said you're a little bit more jealous, you're a little bit more suspicious, and that's going to infiltrate all other parts of your relationship. And you can find someone and see them on Zoom, you know, on therapist on Zoom. Definitely. And that's the route we do plan on going. And you know, just my nature and

being a man is just like, oh, no, I can handle it. I'm okay. And I can't do that. No, you can't. Yeah. Jason, I love that. I should have. Yeah. Jason, I love that. I'm so- I'm more humble about it. Right. Okay, good, because it's going to strengthen your relationship, but it's just going to make it stronger, you know, to see what comes up, and then maybe you'll get some practices in place so you don't have those feelings anymore.

But that's very healthy, Jason. I'm glad that you noticed that and that you're going to get some help for it. It'll only make you stronger and make you be suffering less than you are now. Of course. Thank you, Jason. Definitely. And I do appreciate you. It'll only make you stronger and make you be suffering less than you are now. Of course. Thank you, Jason. I do appreciate you. It was great. I don't think I came to the realization of that and listened to your show. So I do appreciate you for that. Of course, Jason, I'm here for you. I'm so glad you found the show. Thank you for calling. I appreciate it. Let's talk to Hannah 20 in Hawaii. Aloha. Aloha. Hi. Yeah, so I had a question. I guess so generally in my day-to-day life, I'm like

a pretty confident person, but like as soon as I start to have sex with someone, I become timid. And so I wondered if you had any advice for how to become more confident. Yeah. If that makes any sense. No, it makes so much sense. And it's such a good question, Hannah. So, well, first off, you're 20 years old. So I'm going to get you. Have you had a lot of experience with sex? Yeah.

Okay. For my age, I'd say. Okay, for your age. Okay. But meaning, meaning, have you just had a lot of experiences like one-off experiences or have you been in like over a longer term relationship? Some of those. Okay. Cause what I've found is confidence comes from, there's a few things involved.

The first one is feeling with, you're with a safe and trusted partner that you can explore and be yourself. But one of the first most important thing is being comfortable with your own body when you're alone. And that would be masturbation. Really understanding your body and what feels good and how to have an orgasm and what, you know,

that's a practice. Because when you have that, you know what turns you on. Then when you're with a partner, you know how to move and know what feels good. So what's your masturbation practice like? Um... HE LAUGHS Um...

I do, I masturbate. I don't know. Cool. No, Hannah, I didn't until I was 25. So I'm just curious. No judgment here. Most, a lot of people don't masturbate. Do you use your hands or do you mind if I ask some questions? Toys, hands, how often do you do it? I have a womanizer and then I just got it. I had like a vibrator that wasn't great before. And sometimes hands. Yeah. All right. Well, that's good. And you have an orgasm and okay so so what happens so then you get into the bedroom and are you talking more about confident like in

which in certain positions or do you want to leave your shirt on like how does it manifest your confidence in the bedroom? Confidence and like I want to I want to be a little more vocal about what makes me feel good. And I get the idea of saying, don't do that, do this. That kind of terrifies me a little. Oh, yeah. That's a promise. Yeah. Okay. So we'll just know this, that your partners want to please you. They're not mind readers. And I used to think that men knew. I just kind of thought that men were born to know what women want or what I wanted. And I didn't have to talk about it. But it turns out that is not the case. And so learning to talk about sex is also something that we just have to practice. And so I think, like, the best thing to do is talk about it outside the bedroom. When you're just you have a boyfriend now? bedroom when you're just, do you have a boyfriend now? No.

Okay. Or just when you're with somebody then if it's like a one night stand or whatever, I think that you can just say, you know, it would be so hot right now if you went down on me or you kissed my neck or you know what, take your fingers out. Cause I liked what you were doing with your mouth and you just say it in like a, is that what you mean?

Like in the moment? Yeah. You could just say, I want to get on top or can we go back to kissing that felt really good when we were making out? Can we like, what kind of things do you, Yeah. You could just say, I want to get on top. Or can we go back to kissing? That felt really good when we were making out. Can we, like, what kind of things do you want that you aren't getting? It's more like, if I'm having sex, sometimes I'm like,

I'm just the body. Like, the boy doesn't need me here. So I want to feel like I'm valued, if that makes sense. Yeah, it does make sense. So you feel like you have sex. Maybe you make out for a second, then you're on the bottom, he's on top and he's pounding away at you like a jackhammer, perhaps. Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah, okay. So Hannah, this happens because they don't know what they're doing either and they want to go really fast and pound away because that's what they do with their hand and that's what they see in porn. But I'm on a mission to help people understand that, especially men who don't really know or they learn in porn. And since women aren't comfortable, a lot of women don't know how to speak up about it, that this is also teaching them because you're both, you know, you're young, you're 20. So you don't, even if you told me you, oh, you've had a lot of partners, it still doesn't mean you have enough experience

on the planet of sleeping with different partners. And so I love that you're asking this Hannah because practicing now will set you up for a lifetime of great partners. And so I love that you're asking this Hannah, because practicing now will set you up for a lifetime of great communication. And so if it's someone that you're hanging out with more though, I have three T's of communication, which are timing and tone and turf. And usually I say like, you don't want to talk about it in the bedroom.

Like if you want to have a conversation, it's outside the bedroom, because in the bedroom, maybe you're turned on or he's turned on and he's got an turned on and he's got an erection and he's like, she's going to talk to me now and I want to have sex. And so it just can get confusing. So, and then also your tone should be light and curious. Hey, let's talk about sex. So what are you into? Let me tell you some things that I'm

into. I really like when we go slow. When we make out and you take my clothes off slowly, that is so hot. I love when a guy kisses my neck and your tone is curio- and tell me what you're into, you know? And then the timing is when you are just chilling with someone. Maybe you're walking or you're having dinner or you're just hanging out and not in the bedroom. Those are my tips if you're talking, you know, if there's someone that you actually want to sleep with more than once and you're hanging out with, you could say, let's, what, what, what's your fantasy? What turns you on? And then you start to talk about it. So that's one thing, but it sounds like you're talking in the moment. You want a guy to slow it down, be kissing your breasts and making

sure that you're pleased. But guys, a lot of men, and I want to say it's guys your age and their 20s, but I'm telling you, I have guys in their 40s and they don't know this. I believe that men don't really know how to please women unless they actually have a partner who tells them or they do some research and they listen to my show. So you haven't probably been with a guy who understands that yet. And so what do you think it looks like that you want? You said you want to be more active. I mean, I think that a way of doing that is finding positions that feel good to you.

So maybe you get on top and you just start to move around slowly and you just sort of start to feel, you know, breathe into your body, breathe into your pelvic floor and just sort of take control. I mean, that's that's what I maybe take his hand and gently put on your breasts or put it where you want it. And I'm telling you, the guys that will say to you, oh, what are you doing? No, that's not your people. Guys who are like, oh, yeah, great, I'm getting some instructions. This is what I want. I mean, guys, I think they want to know,

but then their egos can be, and this goes for all genders. You know, a lot of times when we give advice during sex, people feel like, oh God, I'm doing something wrong. And, you know, so I think that being really kind about it, but just think, hey, this would feel good. Take their hand and go do this, do that. Like, hopefully it'll be cool. They'll be like, oh God, thank God. I want to know. But then once you practice this, even if it's once Hannah, there's no, let me tell you something. There's no arriving at a point where you are just confident in bed all the time. It is a lifelong thing. But the more you do it, like the next time you're with someone, if you're like, okay, I'm going to show him what I want once during the sex session, that's how it happens.

And then the more you do it, the more you're going to gain confidence because you're like, that felt really great. It felt really good to empower myself and help him. So it's that kind of thing. It's really just a practice. And a lot of it has to do with slowing down and not allowing the guys to set the pace. And even saying, let's slow down a minute. I do that all the time. I'm like, slow down. I say it and I say, oh, let's just slow down. Like a guy, even though I love oral sex, don't get me wrong. When sometimes a guy goes down to me, it's too quick. And I was like, no, let's go back to making out. Let's slow this down. I mean, are you having orgasms and pleasure with them?

Not usually. So that's also what I'm looking for. No, I'm hearing you. I'm hearing you, you know? And so, but again, I don't, I want to say give these guys that you sound like a really nice woman, that I'm going to get that the guys you're choosing probably want to, but they don't know how. Now, are you having orgasms on your own when you're masturbating? Yeah.

Okay, cool. You can even say, let me show you this new toy I want. You could do mutual masturbation where you're getting off and they're getting off and they could see what you like doing to yourself and then you watch what they're doing. So it's really, it's a confidence, I mean, the confidence will also come in and actually doing what I'm saying. But then once you see how well it goes with the partners that you want to be with that are cool, that's how you learn.

I've learned most of my sex stuff from being in relationships with partners. I learned what I like and what I don't like. So, is that helpful? Yeah, that was really, really helpful. Thank you. Oh good, of course Hannah. Thanks for calling. I appreciate you. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex with Emily.

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