Sex With Emily - Magic Life Hacks & Micro Intimacy w/ Liz Moody

Episode Date: March 12, 2024

Today I’m joined by Liz Moody, the best-selling author and podcast host who shares insightful tips to help transform your life in all different aspects in her new book, 100 Ways to Change Your Life: The Science of Leveling Up Health, Happiness, Relationships & Success. We discuss her personal strategies for prioritizing wellness, ways to run your home like a CEO, and how to make your ideal Sex Bill of Rights. Tune in for so many amazing tips and tricks to upgrade your life! In this episode you’ll learn:  How planning your funeral helps you live a fulfilling present life Why it's important to run your home like you’re the CEO My new term "micro intimacy” and why that will be a game changer Show Notes: Check out Liz’ New Book HERE LELO F1S V3 (use code SEXWITHEMILY for 25% off all products) SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.

I think about it in the context of something like faking an orgasm. You can fake an orgasm and fake an orgasm and be so worried to have the confronting moment with your partner, especially if you've been doing it for a while where like, oh my god, it's gonna be embarrassing. It's gonna be uncomfortable. Then if I flash forward and I picture an 85 year old me being like, you could have had hundreds of orgasms that you chose not to have because of one 20 minute conversation. It really puts things in their right place.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. On today's show, my guest is Liz Moody. She's a podcast host, bestselling author, who shares easy, science-backed ways to change your life. In this episode, you'll learn how to make your ideal sex bill of rights,

why it's important to run your home like you are the CEO, and my new term, micro intimacy, and why that just might be a game changer for your life. There are so many amazing tips in today's episode. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new articles, women on top, visionaries in the world of sex and how to master speed bump position are up on sexwithemily.com. Art of One, enjoy this episode.

All right, real talk. Have you tried a penis ring? Well, they're trending in my line of work. And it's probably because penis owners have heard that they're really a game changer in the bedroom. And FirmTech, they're here to upgrade your sex life. Whether you're a seasoned ring wearer or you're just a newbie, they're made from the softest material.

So they're super comfortable. This is what everyone loves. So like, have you felt that FirmTech material? It's like a hug for your penis. But they also mean business because this ring gently restricts blood flow to make sure that you stay harder, longer. And if you wanna integrate technology with your sex,

firm tech introduce the tech ring, AKA the Fitbit for your penis. It's like a sexual health coach that wraps around your penis to track the ups and downs, literally, of your erections, monitor your nocturnal erections, which by the way is a direct indicator of your overall health,

and just gives you this tailored advice on how to achieve peak sexual performance. So treat your penis to a little TLC with FirmTech. Use the promo code EMILY20 to grab a 20% discount on your purchase. That's myfirmtech.com, code EMILY20 for 20% off your purchase. That's FirmTech.com. Check it out. Here at Sex with Emily, I believe indulging

in self-love isn't just sexy fun, but it's your divine right. Am I right? And Plus One, well, they're here to help. They've got a great collection of toys that are easy on the wallet and they're powerful and fun. Now, one of my latest obsessions is the dual stimulation massager from plus one. It's like the Swiss Army Knife of sex toys. It's versatile, it's reliable, it's really satisfying. Oh, and they also have this sleek bullet vibrator. It's literally the gift that keeps on giving.

And I've been handing them out to my girlfriends like Oprah on a giveaway spree because they are that amazing. You get a vibrator and you get a vibrator. Oh, and have you seen the rose toy that's been causing a storm across social media? That's the one that's been buzzing everywhere, pun intended. And the hype is real.

It's this little gem and it's not just a trendy fad. It is what you've been waiting for. It looks adorable on your bedside table and it is a good time. So dive into some self discovery and ecstasy. Hop over to myplusone.com and treat yourself. You deserve it. And don't forget, use code SWE15 at checkout for 15% off.

And if you're out and about, you can always swing by CVS, Target, or Walmart and get one for yourself. That's myplusone.com. Use code SWE15 for a 15% discount. Today's guest is an influential voice in the realm of wellness and modern womanhood. In her latest book, A Hundred Ways to Change Your Life, the science of leveling up health, happiness, relationships, and success, Liz Moody shares her tailor-made insights and transformative strategies for personal growth. To me, her book feels more like an old school coffee table book.

You can pick it up, flip through it for relatable and simple tips that make you feel like you can overcome any major challenge in your life. There are so many valuable tips, but the big one for me that I loved, Liz, was about loving and trusting yourself. So important at the end of the day, that's where we have to start loving and trusting ourselves,

which helps us all in our relationships and in our lives. So I think today's episode can sub in for our own spring cleaning of our lives. That's how I felt reading it. I felt like this is just what I needed to get going in this season. Thank you so much for being here, Liz. Oh my gosh, that was such a lovely introduction. Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited you're here. I am so excited to chat about this. I also love the idea. I didn't know we're going to do spring cleaning. I'm like, that's genius. Yeah, well, that's a good episode idea. There you go.

Okay, you can take that for your podcast. Go, go. It's true, though. I was reading your book and I was like, these 100 tips are just so helpful and you make it so easy and accessible, digestible with science. I almost felt like your book was the book I didn't know I needed. Thank you. Thank you. We really tried. There's 19 different sections. And so I think sometimes

people can be like, there's 100 tips in 19 sections. That's a little bit intimidating, but it's really meant to serve you at different points in your life. So you can pick it up, you can put it down like you said, you can one week, maybe you're feeling a little bit lonely. So you flip to the section about how to make more friends and up level the friendships that you have. Maybe another week, you've had some gut issues. We have a section for that. Maybe another week you want to just focus on your energy. You want to focus on your success at work. You want to focus on your anxiety. We have sections for all of those things. So it's really meant to serve you throughout your life at different points.

I love that it wasn't like this. You have to get through the whole book. You just felt great whenever you picked it up. I learned something. Yeah. You know, one of our biggest audiences for it, which has really surprised me is moms, because they're like, I can't, if I start reading a book, it doesn't stick in my brain. And then I go back the next day and I have to reread what I read. And because on this book, you can pick it up and read page 256 for five minutes, get a whole tip in and be done, or you could start on page 15, you can start on page 30. New moms are like, oh my gosh, this fits so well into my life. That's exactly it.

I thought too about how the tips were, yeah, you could pick it up at any time that it was the kind of thing if you're at a dinner party, like, you know, you learn something that we always talk about the hair like, what could you say that would get people to talk at a dinner party? It's like all those tips. You're like, I tried this thing and I stuck, I stuck with it. What are the three or the few that are the most useful to you personally? Because there's a hundred tips that I'm sure they resonate different times at

which three or like these are the top ones that really have changed your life. Yeah. So they all do resonate at different times. And if we're talking about spring cleaning, I would say that one of the things I recommend people do is take stock of the habits that they have and say, which ones are serving me right now and which ones do I maybe want to work on? Which ones do I want to let go on? There's a lot of talk about if you incorporate a habit for a little bit and then you fall off and you feel like a failure, you feel like you've done something wrong, but I firmly

believe that certain habits are meant to serve us at certain periods in our life. And then maybe we don't need them anymore. That doesn't mean you're a failure. That means that you are aware of your needs, your interests at that time, your goals. So different things have really saved me, I wanna say, at different points in my life. You know my story, you know how bad off I was. I was agoraphobic. I couldn't get out of bed for a really long time.

I really dealt with anxiety in a very severe way that really impacted my life. So different tips have genuinely saved me, and I mean that in the most literal sense of the word. But right now, one that's been really helpful recently is think about your death. It's the third tip in the book. It's one of the few tips I do ask that everybody read the first three tips. But I put it towards the front because it helps us figure out what the rest of our goals, what the rest of our habits should be by giving us that zoom out perspective so that we can identify what's going to matter the most to us.

And I find this really helpful on a macro level and a micro level. So what did my year feel like? What do I want the next five years to feel like? What are my relationships feeling like? But also on a day-to-day basis, for the choices that I'm making, is this a choice that 85-year-old me is going to be proud of, is going to be excited about? Or is this a choice that 85-year-old me will be like, why did you spend so much time thinking about how your thighs looked in those pants? Like what a waste of a life. And recently I've been really focused on living a big life, an exciting life, a

life that feels really authentically mine and picturing that me on my deathbed has been really, really helpful for that. So that's one. I had a hard time with that one at first. Cause you said, don't skip this one. So that's one. I had a hard time with that one at first, because you said, don't skip this one. So of course I skipped it. So I kind of go, death, death is triggering for me. I've had a lot of death. But then I was like, okay, this is me. I went back and I read it.

It's still hard because I actually don't think about death very much. And it seems so extreme. But then why I found it helpful is because we talked about this before we started. It's so important and something we don't often do is like, what do I actually want? What's actually important to me? And when you do zoom out, so then I was able to do the zoom, like you said, I zoomed out, and I was like, okay, but what really matters, you know, and it's like, and it comes down to most of what we worry about is kind of ridiculous. And it's like love and friendships and connections, I think in many ways, the things that you want to value that you want to feel good about that you've helped people,

you have built beautiful relationships. So I actually went through that one and I enjoyed it. I transformed. And it can even really help with some things that we feel embarrassment about or shame about. I think about it in the context of something like faking an orgasm. You can fake an orgasm and fake an orgasm and be so worried to have the confronting moment with your partner, especially if you've been doing it for a while, where you're like, oh my god, it's gonna be embarrassing. It's gonna be uncomfortable. Then if I flash forward and I picture 85 year old me being like, you could have had hundreds of orgasms that you chose not to have because of 120 minute conversation, it really puts things in the right place.

It really does, it's funny, because I used to always say to people, what if you don't masturbate? Like what if you're gonna end up in your death bed and you're gonna find out like you had this spot between your knee that gave you 500 orgasms because I've always felt like it's more of their body's heartbreaking.

It's actually breaks my heart. I know, me too. And so it's like, so what we're saying is like, we're only just a few steps away from like, look at if we could kind of just kind of have the hard conversations, look at the things that are stressing us out and kind of move through them, right? And kind of not hold on to things, not worry about things, just, you know, okay, so what was the next one?

Okay, micro workouts. I have been on such a moving my body journey. I was not a person who worked out ever. I did not have a consistent workout routine until I was in my body journey. I was not a person who worked out ever. I did not have a consistent workout routine until I was in my 30s. I worked in a wellness magazine. Everybody would go and do these like little workouts. We had workouts at lunch because we were that type of company. And I would be like, no, I'm fine. Thank you so much. Like I'll be over here doing myself because I only thought about working out in the context of how my body looks. And I had heard so much that

what we eat matters more than how we move our bodies. Like eating is 80%, moving your body is 20%, you can't outrun a bad diet, etc. etc. So I was like, if working out is only important for the size of my body, then what is the point of this? It wasn't until I really switched working out to be about how I felt, how my brain felt, how my mental health was every single day that I was able to see the rewards in an immediate way and stick to my working out routine. And the way that I've been able to do that is by making it really, really teeny tiny. So accessible then, right? We all have time to move our body. We know how much better we feel but but you're saying is you Almost reverse engineered it because most of what I got to the gym for an hour and I got a change and I got a drive across town

It's like no you actually don't we don't have to be you can kind of make it work for you start with baby steps It's actually more important to do the little ones than it is to do the big one And there's some evidence that shows that these larger workouts, especially an hour plus are more harmful to your body than they are helpful. So I go for a 20 to 30 minute workout once a day. And then I'm also trying to do these little bite sized micro workouts throughout the day. I'd say like five minutes every hour. That's super inspiring. So this also helps with your self care and your wellness and kind of impacts every other area of your life. Right? Yeah. Okay. This tip is from Dr. Rick Hansen and it's about how you can literally rewire your

neural pathways to feel happier on a daily basis. And the reason that I love this is because you're doing the work ahead of time to naturally feel happier throughout the day. It's not like you meditate, well actually meditation, you feel calm all the time. Maybe it's similar. You rewire your own pathways for meditation too. But it will have these effects that go on much longer than the practice. So the practice is this, you notice when you're feeling really good. It can be anything. It can be, I'm eating a delicious ice cream. I was just in Palm Springs for a week. We had an outdoor shower. Every single time I was in the shower, naked with like the breeze against my skin. I was like, oh, this is the moment like anything good in your life. You want to amplify that feeling.

So really tune up the dial of that feeling in your body so that you feel it in your chest, you feel it in your arms, you feel it in your head, you're just exploding with the goodness of that feeling. And then you want to sit in that for five seconds. And what that is going to do is it's going to literally cement the neural pathway for good feelings, for positive emotions in your brain. So the next time your brain needs to look for a path to take, it's going to take the path that it has made the strongest neural connections with. So the next time your brain is looking to think a thought, it's more likely to think a positive thought because you've done this work ahead of time. So I try to do this once a day.

I also love it because it turns you into a detective for good moments in your life. It turns you into a detective for joy. And that's such a beautiful thing. That's what we're all looking for, these little magical moments. So I'm always on the lookout. When does it feel good? How can I amplify in it? How can I sit in it? It makes so much sense too, because so many of us are, you know, default to the negative or thinking negative thoughts.

We all have heard this. We program your brain every cell in your body is feeling that negativity. And maybe just saying an affirmation doesn't work, but you're talking about a full embodied. Maybe they say it takes 90 seconds to feel an emotion. Usually we just skirt all of our emotions or block them, but to really get into a 90-second appreciation and feeling good and joy of something, feeling happiness that makes so much sense. See, that's just that.

I think I'm going to do that now too. We'll see. Maybe I'll thank you. I can't do the gratitude journal. It's so hard. I know. But I get it. You know what I love that you're so real about too?

It's like, you have all the tips. That's why when I asked you, it's more like, yeah, what works now? Because I'm sure they've all touched you in some way, but we're also human. You can't do something. You're not saying do this every day. And I think that the key is to not feel overwhelmed by all of the information out there because we do have access to more information than we have ever had before in history. And sometimes it can feel like, oh, my gosh, I'm listening to this podcast.

I'm reading this book. I'm seeing this on social media. And I think you one should make sure that your sources are validated before you're taking in any information from anywhere. And that's really, really critical and important. But also, know that you are taking in what you need to take in, and that will come up from your brain when you need it to come up. What about all the overwhelm and all the advice, and we're supposed to have these crazy morning

routines and do everything? So what do we do about that? Do you think it's sometimes too much? How do we just chill? Is it okay to do nothing? Yeah, yes just chill? Is it okay to do nothing? Yeah, yes, it's 100% okay to do nothing. Yes, it's often too much. I think it depends who you're talking to or about.

But I think the biggest thing, I have a tip in the book that's called Figure Out Your Why, and that is having a reason for every single thing that you do. So if you're stacking your morning routine with 10 different things because you saw an influencer do it because you sat on a podcast because you feel like you should do it, you're not going to feel good. You're going to run out of time. You're going to run out of money. Every single thing that I do in my life,

I'm asking myself why. It is an intentionality that I approach the supplements that I take with, the movement that I'm doing. Being able, again, to connect that movement to my wide, which is mental health, it's feeling calm, it's keeping my anxiety under control and energy is the thing that motivates me to do it. If you're taking a bunch of supplements and you have no idea why, if you're stacking your morning routine with this meditation, that breathwork practice, you're cold plunging and you don't have a reason for any of you. You're just like, I don't know, I'm supposed to do it. You're not going to be able to stick to it because you won't find real motivation. But even with the why, what if you're like, well, why?

Because supplements are good for you. But you're talking about it deeper than what is your goal. I think it's going to help with my sleep or something. So if you're saying this, my sleep is my why. Okay. So let's add in, there's a tip in the book that's do an N of one, which is an experiment with one person. And I think that obviously double blind studies, placebo controlled, that's the dream. Amazing. But even within those, even a really successful double blind

placebo controlled study, you're not having 100% of people react in the same way because we're all bio individual. So running an experiment on yourself is one of the best ways to find out whether you're reaching the goals that you've set for yourself. So you want to sleep more, maybe you add in magnesium at night, Maybe you don't take anything else for a month so that you're not conflating your results. You're actually saying, is the magnesium helping me sleep? And then you're tracking, what does my sleep look like? Maybe with an aura ring, maybe just with a journal, a piece of paper. But you're actually seeing what are the results I want to get and how can I measure those results in a way that's meaningful to me. Yeah, there's more of a mindfulness and intention around it.

Yeah. Really just getting clear on why I do this. I think that's the hard part sometimes that we don't slow down enough to really think is this working, is this not? And then we like, should all of ourselves, we should be doing this and we feel guilt. That time pays back so much because you've taken that initial 20, 30 minutes, even just like once a week, check in with yourself briefly. What are my goals? How is what I'm doing stacking up with my goals? What are my values? How's what I'm doing stacking up with my values? And that will pay back so much with all the money you're going to get back, all the time you're going to get back, and the general feeling of living a life that's true to you. of living a life that's true to you. Exactly. We don't often take the time to really even think about our values

and what's working and not working, which is why I love you. Why we gotta think about our death. That was like a big one, but if you've, all the steps in your book, I think lead towards that part. Because that can be a leap. But if you take it in small chunks, it'll become clear. Like if you're kind of overwhelmed with trying to figure out a lot of things in your life,

okay, but I did think about it. It's gonna be a really good death and I know it's gonna be there and it'll be fine. Speaking of the questions, what I also loved is in your up-level the relationship section, you talked about how do you be the CEO of your household. And I love that because it's like, why don't we run our marriage just like a business? So it makes so much more sense. So you run on like fairy dust and unicorns, hope it works works out but like you have these really great. Tools and questions and ways to think about being the CEO of your household I think that there's an idea that this is a romantic but by taking these things off the table you have so much room for the romance you're not making list in your head while you should be having sex with your partner. You know what I mean? You know the groceries are taking care of, you know the toilet paper is coming, all of that. So being the CEO of your household just means we have a weekly meeting me and my husband do, and we check in with ourselves about our relationship. So we'll say like, how can you,

how can I support you in the next week? Is there anything that you wish I had done differently to support you last week? Anything like that. We have these relationship check-in questions that we'll do. And then we'll also check in about our weeks. What is your week upcoming look like? What are some problem points? And then we will figure out ways to solve those problems together. I do think that couples therapy is incredibly valuable. And my husband and I have done that too. We absolutely love it. But sometimes the things that are plaguing you are logistical, pragmatic problems, and they don't need to be sat around and talked about. They need logistical, pragmatic solutions.

They can absolutely be solved. If you're sitting around worrying, like, this is the last toilet paper, are you going to recognize that? No. What I love is that maybe it doesn't seem so sexy to people. However, how sexy are the resentments going and the build-up and the anxiety and the worry and the blaming and the shaming? It's like in a business, you get people doing certain tasks like hiring, you know, financial support or assistance. They take care of things in your business so it can run and at home, yeah, it just is very practical. Oh, hiring a cleaning person probably did more for my sex life than any sex tip that I've ever had because I'm a different level of cleanliness than my husband.

He is much cleaner than I am. And he would describe me as perhaps a slob. And I would perhaps describe myself as that as well. And we got a cleaning person before we got a clean person while we still lived with roommates. We were just like, this needs to be a priority for us. And it changed our relationship. You talk about all the time you talk about in your book, you talk about all the time how like sex is a whole body, whole brain thing. It's not something

that's isolated from the rest of your life. It's something that is a result of the rest of your life. And so I think that being the CEO of your own household very much fits in with that. That's exactly it does. I mean, this is why this is why it's so important to clear these stuff and to have these tips for, you know, you talk about the rules of fighting and the being in your household because these are the things that are keeping us from connecting sexually. You might not realize that when the laundry's undone and we have resentments for our partner that we're not going to get turned on. So I think having practical tools to solve them is important and take a look at it.

It's all, I think sometimes also people feel that they should be able to fix everything on their own. And that asking for help is a weakness. I know a lot of people like that, but you also realize that sometimes you got it. Like it's, where else are you spending your money? Like maybe that's actually a priority because it also reminds me of something else

that you talk about is what are the parts of you, like you're trying to fix like I should be better cleaner or I should be better at this stuff. Like you could just really actually figure out in your relationship is, what are the parts of you, like you're trying to fix, like I should be better cleaner, or I should be better at this stuff, like you could just really actually figure out in your relationship too, what your strengths are, what your weaknesses is, lean into your relationship, or figure out how you can solve the easy stuff. Yeah, 100%.

And I also think that goes to the point of something that my husband and I have been talking about a lot recently. We just did a podcast that was 15 things that we've learned in 15 years of our relationship. Oh, when you learned, tell us how we became together. Well, first of all, we learned that last year was our 15th anniversary our relationship. We've been together for 15 years. Tell us how we did, Kable. Well, first of all, we learned that last year was our 15th anniversary, and we thought it was this year. So that was the first thing we learned.

No one's great at numbers. No one's great at math. We got that down. OK. That's why you're a financial advisor. Very true. But one of the things that one of us had, I forget whom, was that you can't go from zero to 60 with your sex

life. So sex is starting the second you open your eyes next to your partner. Are you reaching for them and giving them a little snuggle? Or are you rolling away and scrolling on your phone and getting out of bed and not even starting your diet? When they come home from work or you come home from work, are you greeting each other with excitement? Are you giving their butt a little smack when you walk by them?

Are you giving them a little kiss? I think that one of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships is to silo our sex lives. Think that that 30-minute period exists completely outside of the rest of our lives. And it's so hard to go just like zero to 60, oh, I'm wrapped up. I think that foreplay happens throughout your day, not just in this one tiny moment in your day and thinking about it like that, thinking about it like how I'm interacting with my I think the foreplay happens throughout your day, not just in this one tiny moment in your day, and thinking about it like that, thinking about it like how I'm interacting with my husband this

morning is going to impact how I feel in bed tonight has completely changed my openness to those little moments of intimacy. I think there's been times where I've been like, oh, okay, like, he'll be here later. Like, I need to focus on this thing. But I'm like, no, it's throughout the day, this needs to matter. And that's what's gonna have the cumulative result that I wanna have has been really helpful for me. Yeah, no. And like we couples who learn to like prioritize that

and understand that it is, it's not just this thing that happens in the bedroom where you turn the lights off and you go at it. Like all of these things that we do throughout the days are impacting our ability to feel connected and aroused. Why love that you guys after 15 years that you prioritize these sets. I love that it took you a lot long together.

But it's so true that we walk around like a mystery. Like no, it's not gonna stay hot like it always did, but it's actually another area that we have to put effort into. Oh my gosh, I think it gets hotter. And you keep chunking it like your workout. I think it gets hotter. What you're saying is you're chunking it like like your workout is like you could literally be like, micro intimacy.

Micro intimacy, truly. You make out in the morning, you pat their butt, you send a sexy text, that's what it is, like micro dosing your sex life. I love that, I absolutely love that. I'm all about the micro, so I'm gonna, micro intimacy we're gonna add to the list, micro habits, micro workouts, micro meditation,

all these things I think that that, chapters, you're like, true, because all these days we can't really, we can't say, yeah, I'm like, I want to sit for an hour or a minute. Our attention spans for better or worse are not what they used to be as well. And so I think that's just realistic to say. And we have to work within that. I do want to say though, like genuinely, I feel like my sex life is better after 15 years than it was at the beginning.

And I do think there's this idea that at the beginning there's this fire and you're so hot for each other and then it's going to fade into being really boring and just the same old thing. And you do develop a familiarity that I think is at times more boring and at times more really lovely and safe and comforting feeling. But, and you know this, communication is the single thing that makes your sex life better. Like communication is the secret to having satisfying sex. And our ability to communicate with each other over 15 years has risen so dramatically that

it completely overtakes any super hot, passionate, whatever we were having just by nature of just meeting at the beginning. Like it's gotten so much better because now we're able to say what we want, ask for what we want without being embarrassed, say, oh, I'd be wanting to try this. It changes everything, being able to openly communicate. So for anybody who's listening, who's nervous about a long-term relationship, I just, I like saying that it gets better and better. I'd love to hear that. Absolutely. I mean. I think that people are chasing the spark. Can it go back to how it was at the beginning? I'm like, well, why would we even want to go back? So much about life is like moving forward, building on what we've learned. So exactly what you're saying,

like, no, you might not have that new news and that spark. You can't create the novelty in this botanical, but however, there's a depth and a connection and knowing this that comes from this years together and really caring about your partner's pleasure and really being able to communicate about it and not be chipped up on all the like, is this awkward and all the shame? Like you've worked through that, you know, and now you can really come together on it and come together. Come together. Exactly. There you go. I do think that we don't often hear about couples who are genuinely doing the work and staying together. I would say it's a small percentage of couples who have actually leaned into therapy, both

have a growth mindset, you know, that you and your husband do, and recognizing that it's not always easy, but you're moving through it. So I just love to hear these examples that people can know that it's not always easy, but you're moving through it. So I just love to hear these examples that people can know that it's possible. Cause I think a lot of times people get in relationships and they're a partner, there's, I've found that there's one partner that wants to do work, one person's like, I'm never going to do that.

Like I'm never going to meditate. I'm never going to go to therapy. And it's tough. So what would you say with your relationship? Were you guys always on the self improvement track? No. And I think that it's differed over the years. What usually happens, and I find this happens in a lot of things in a relationship, is one person is really one place, and then the other person might find that place, but at a different

time. So, for us on our growth improvement journey, I would say that I found it as a result of my anxiety, as a result of my gorophobia. And then I went through a period where I tried to tell my husband everything he should be doing that I learned, which did not work very well, which might surprise everybody listening. But what happened was is my life slowly got better, and I felt happier, and I felt more excited.

He began to take an interest in the things that I was doing. So I'm a huge fan of modeling and letting the results speak for themselves. I also think we don't talk about this that much, and it might be a little bit of a touchy subject for people. But I think sometimes we use pressuring other people into doing habits as like, oh, that means that it works.

Rather than doing the work to see the results ourselves, we need somebody else to do it to prove to ourselves that it's worth doing, that it is worth the value of our time for that. If I can get my husband to do it, if I can get my friends to do it, and what I really need to do is do it myself, see the value, demonstrate the value, and then they'll come along. And if they don't come along, that's okay too. Like everybody has their own path, and it's just about if you are connecting still on that path. And I think there's a lot of work, a lot of skills that you learn over the years, but there's also really an element of luck to long-term relationships.

And my husband and I have been really lucky that we have grown together. Yeah, I think that's the part that stands out to me is that just a lot of couples, you know, don't. Many do, but a lot don't. And I don't think that's bad either. It's not bad either. It's like the habits we talked about. I think that there are relationships that are meant to serve you at certain points in your life. And I think it's a really beautiful thing to say that relationship

served me so beautifully and it's no longer. And I'm going to let this relationship go. To what end is anything else in life? Like all we're trying to do is grow and learn and connect and become more of ourselves. So every bit of information that you're getting along that journey is not wasted time. Absolutely. And what I love also about this part is that the people who are caught up in this, my partner won't change. I'm not changing. You know, what's going to happen when we spend so much energy out there being negative. But I think what you're saying is that when we start to really do the work and change,

we have to also honor that maybe our partners might be on their own path and they can change too. And I know you have something you have to let your partner surprise you. I love that. I love that one too. That was one of my favorites because it's like, I think we just, if we have years of resentment, they're never going to change, they're never going to do it, but they might surprise you. Sometimes my husband will literally say to me, like, you're bringing up that assumption

about me based on a fight we had eight years ago, you know? And it's so true, though. Like we hold on to this perception of the person that we love. And even though we are doing the work, we're growing, we're evolving, we're recognizing that in ourselves. We trap them in a version that we met years and years and years ago, we don't allow them to do the same. So I like to do this both on an unconscious or subconscious level, while all the time I'm like, let Zach reveal himself to me in front of me.

Don't make assumptions about what he's thinking, what he's feeling, what he's saying. But then I also like to do it in a really conscious level where I ask him, what are you into that's new recently? I know you had this opinion that you said ages ago, do you still feel that way? Do you want to try this thing that maybe you weren't open to a few years ago? I try to ask questions that prompt him to share and think about whether that growth has occurred. That's such a great reframe of thinking about it. I love it. I would people take a moment now, if you are in a relationship,

are you holding on to something that happened in your relationship, some kind of, it could be, and people hold on to like, resentments around money or relationships or affairs or all the things that I could never let it go, I could never let it go. I often hear from the one partner,

it's like my partner won't let this go. So if you are that person holding on, you know, what is something you could reexamine now from this lens of like, maybe it's a little bit different. I love that little pause. Yeah, so it's interesting the person that you have the resentment about literally doesn't exist anymore. Like that person is no longer in existence.

Can you be open to dropping that resentment and forming a new relationship with the person who exists now? And if that person is continuing to bring up the resentment, if they're continuing to have the same problems, that's something else to evaluate. But maybe try it. And there's something to think about. What role are you playing in them staying as that person too? So the more you get to change and people change around you,

it's like homeostasis, right? So it's like the more that you people are going to notice that change, but allowing them. Like you're only in control. That's not allowing them to see themselves differently too. I think that's the really interesting thing about friendships too, is like we like our friends to mirror the self that we want to be back at us. So often we'll have friends from like high school or college and they'll mirror back a version of ourselves that we maybe aren't anymore, which is why I think that new friends always feel a little bit refreshing

because you're meeting them as the version of yourself that you are now. Essentially if you view yourself one way, you really want the people that you love the most in the world to see you that way too. And it takes a little bit of work to get them there sometimes because they've known all of these other versions. Yeah. It is very different relationships too. And then those friends, and even that's why family is tough too, because you're like,

I'm not six. I'm not six anymore, yeah. They've been tougher. It's like, yeah, for sure, for sure. And we often revert back to our childhood selves when we're with our families for that reason. Exactly. God, this is going to be so helpful for people

but for a little bit of reframe. They don't know you. Actually, if you live away from home, you go there, I'd sing you all the time. Yeah, they've seen you thousands of hours as a child and 25 hours as an adult. You know what I mean? Yeah, let's just normalize that okay. So this also makes you think about the bill I love the bill of rights the personal bill of rights and you can even do like in a relationship

I love the idea of just like where are we like what like putting a stake in the ground like what are my values? What do I believe in that would make life so much easier if we just even if we write it in our notes or it's clear, it's those little things right we accept in the moment like it's no big deal or you can do that or you know okay I'll just keep saying yes and then you realize like such a feeling in our body, in fact our mental health, physical health that we are literally steamrolling over ourselves and not even knowing it. Yeah that's from the work of Dr. Aziz Gadzapora, and he's a psychologist that specializes in confidence. We did an entire episode about how we can be more confident. It's one of my favorite episodes of the podcast.

I highly recommend it. But he says the same thing that you said basically, which is just that if we don't know what our rights are, if we haven't made them very, very clear, we will find that our rights are being violated constantly. So he recommends you just take a second. We have sample rights in the book, but you take a second, you write down,

I have a right to state my opinion. Doesn't need to be agreed with, but I have a right to share how I feel about something. I have a right to say no. I have a right to be respected by the people that I'm gonna spend time with. And once you write those down really clearly, put it in a note on your phone,

you'll begin to notice all these micro moments where those rights are being violated and you'll be so much more prone to push back on those moments. I maybe think about people having like a personal bill of rights even for their sex life. Ooh! I have a right to say no.

I have a right to ask for what I want. Ooh! I have a right to be treated with respect. Would you say I have a right to orgasm? Yeah, I have a right to say no. I have a right to ask for what I want. I have a right to have sex according to my desire. I have a right to have sex on my terms. I have a right to have sex when I want to and I don't want to, to have orgasms, to have pleasure. And also, yeah, a big one is giving yourself permission to have pleasure too. Oh, and I love the idea of I have like, I have a right to orgasm. For instance, I have so many girlfriends who feel that because they take 20 minutes to orgasm,

they're putting their partner out, he takes five minutes to orgasm, she takes 20. And so she's like, I don't have a right to make him work for 15 minutes longer for my orgasm. And it's just like, no, you both have a right to orgasm that is on your bill of rights. You deserve that as much as he does. Absolutely. It's true. It's like, and just if we knew too, if women knew, like it takes a man, you know, eight to 10 minutes or there's an orgasm gap, eight to 10 minutes to orgasm, women 20 to 40 minutes. Like we just don't realize that.

No, you talked about this when I had you on my podcast and I have sent that episode to so many people because I have so many girlfriends who feel so much shame about the amount of time that it takes them to orgasm because they have so many Ex-boyfriends who have been like oh my god. You take so long. We've like perpetuated this myth through fake orgasms through Movie scenes where everybody's coming together in two minutes Like all these and then and then people the men are like well my last five girlfriends came in five minutes I'm like did they really? Yeah, exactly they were they were probably faking it

So I think that we but they're faking it because they feel bad because they take 20 minutes and It's it's such a tricky self-perpetuating cycle and the more people who know know it just takes this long It begins to take some of that shame out of it And then you can go and get your 20-minute orgasm And then that guy, when he moves on to his next girlfriend, will be like, oh, it takes 20 minutes. It's not like a five minute in and out endeavor. Exactly. Well, I think that there's so much permissioning in here,

too, like in your book and in all of your work, it's like giving people permission just to take the time, take care of ourselves. It's okay to prioritize self. We still struggle so much as women thinking that we are everyone. I shouldn't even say that, but I do think it's more of a feminine trait that we tend

to feel like we have more responsible for everything. We don't deserve the time. We can't slow down. So even just declaring for our sex lives that our partners don't know this either. So what a great thing to be an advocate for and have your own bill of rights and your own choices when it comes to sex, your own desires. I always tell couples listen to the podcast together played in the background But even just listening to any podcast that you're interested in like instead of trying to change them bringing them into what you're interested in

And what you like but the side know that sex only works for couples I first I didn't get this but so many couples when they they would listen to the show that we listen to 12 episodes together I've backed back when you're driving the car and I was like that seems like a lot I don't want to listen to Sorry not even yours Liz, but it's that repetition of normalizing behavior when you're driving in the car and I was like, that seems like a lot. But because like I didn't want to listen to it about anything. Sorry, not even yours Liz. But it's that repetition of normalizing behavior and making the suggestions about things that we think we can't talk about.

That's so interesting. And just it would normalize a conversation, which I think in the work that you do, you do so much work just to get people to have these conversations. And so hearing having your brain internalize, these conversations are being had is the first step. I'll be right back with the word for our sponsors, but real quick, this episode is brought to

you by Lalo and wow. Let's talk about their F1S V3 because penis is like sex toys too. This is a male masturbator. It has triple the power of their V1. And I know what you're thinking, but I can use my hand. Sure you can, but you can also use a toy that stimulates the penis with sonic waves from all sides. SexTech pioneers, Lalo, have created quite the buzz

with its vibrating sex sleeve that revolutionizes male solotime. It allows you to customize your experience and measure your performance while covering all those deep erogenous zones with some really cool penetrating vibrations. This is a new kind of penis stimulator. It's compact, lightweight, looks like a Bluetooth speaker. Size doesn't matter, but they do have a new XL size for large anatomies. And

from the reviews, sounds like you're going to experience something next level. So check it out. Go to Laylo.com and use code SEXWwithemily for 25% off all other products. That's lello.com code sexwithemily. When I started Sex with Emily, an online store was the furthest thing for my mind. And now I'm selling sex toys from all my personal favorite brands, and it's so easy, all because I use Shopify.

Shopify is the global commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business. From the launch or online shop stage to the first real life store stage, all the way to the, did we just hit a million order stage? Shopify is there to help you grow. Whether you're promoting penis bumps or selling sex toys like I am,

Shopify helps you sell everywhere. Whether you choose their all-in-one e-commerce platform or their in-person POS system, they got you covered. Shopify helps you turn browsers into buyers with the internet's best checkout. They're up to 60% better than other leading commerce platforms. And now you can sell more with less effort thanks to Shopify Magic, an AI-powered all-star. Thanks to Shopify, I'm able to sell all of my faves on one site. And what I love about Shopify is how no matter how big or small your business, they give you everything you need to manage your business and take it to the next level. Don't just take my word for it. Take the world's.

Shopify powers 10% of all e-commerce in the United States from companies like Skims, Allbirds and Netflix, among millions of other entrepreneurs of every size across 175 countries. You can sign up for a $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com.SWE. All lowercase. Go to Shopify.com.SWE now to grow your business, no matter what stage you're in. Shopify.com.SWE because businesses that grow, grow with Shopify. The other struggle that we hear from women all the time is about their body, their body image, body confidence. How do I feel more confident in my body?

How do I learn to love or even like my, I would say body neutrality. You don't have to love it, but you do have a journey of learning to really love your body. You said it when viral was a really popular episode. My mom, Chae. Talk to me, talk to us about it. Yes, so one of my life mottoes is your body is for living not looking. And it's a really simple phrase,

your body is for living not looking, but I find that you can pull that out at the times that you need it and it really changes your behavior. So if you're at the beach and you're sitting there in your swimsuit and you're trying to figure out how to cover up your body, because you don't want anybody to see your thighs, or you don't want anybody

to see your cellulite, which the vast majority of women have, if instead you're like, my body isn't here to be perceived by other people. My body is here for me to have an experience. It changes the way you would sit at the beach. You would go and play a game of volleyball with your friends. You would go let the sand hit your, squish the sand in your toes.

You'd go play in the waves at the ocean. And if we're thinking about our death, that's something. Once you said you were uncomfortable with it, I was like, no, just because I wasn't ready to think about death. No, but yeah. The person who is at the end of your life is going to be so much happier that you lived in your body in that moment. When you are in bed, are you thinking about the positions that you're in?

How you're being perceived? Are you living in your body? And I think I had Dr. Lindsey Kite on the podcast recently and she is a, she did her whole PhD basically in body image and how we see ourselves. And she takes it even a step further, which is in the moments that you are feeling like you're focusing on the perception on, she calls it self objectification, which I think is really, really interesting. Other people objectify us, but we objectify ourselves significantly more all day, every day. Even when we feel jealousy about other people, like if I feel jealous of another woman, I'm actually objectifying her

in that moment because I'm turning her into an object who's the recipient of my jealousy, rather than connecting with her, empathizing with her as a real person, which I thought was such a call out for me. But she says in the moments that we feel like we're focusing on that perception, on that self-objectification to actively try to go do something that involves the living, that involves experiencing our bodies. But we've been tricked by people trying to make money off of us to focus on how it exists for other people to look at, which is so crazy. It's crazy when you think about it. I love that reframe of like, if I love my body, I'm going to run through the sand naked, feel my toes in the sand, run is so crazy. I love that reframe, but I love the reframe of like, if I love my body, I'm gonna run through the sand naked, feel my toes in the sand, run in the water.

What is that switch when you're like, okay, I suddenly, how do you go to suddenly don't care what other, how would that at the West, the West always judging me? Oh, it's not a switch. So everything that we're doing is about thinking the thoughts that we wanna think as much as possible, because that's the process of rewiring your brain.

Whenever I talk about anything, I'm talking about the science behind it. I'm talking about the pragmatic action steps you can take. I'm not interested in the like, look in the mirror and love yourself. It just doesn't work and it's not of interest to me. No. So what we're doing- Yeah, how would we reframe that? Because people are like, okay, I said the affirmations. I didn't feel it. So let's talk about the other step of it. So every single moment that you are pushing yourself to have a living moment in your body, not a looking moment in your body, living, not looking, you're giving yourself that message that is rewiring those neural pathways. So it's going to feel really hard at first,

because your brain is not used to taking those pathways, because your brain has been bombarded with thousands of messages from the time that you could hear about your body being for looking. So you have to have thousands of messages to begin to put it back on track, to begin to push for those new neural pathways. But every time you think it, it's going to get a little bit easier until those are the pathways that your brain is most likely to take naturally. So what were some of the ways that you got yourself to be so consistent? You know what I mean? I know you're not always probably you fall off the wagon, maybe certain things we all do. But for example, remembering

to do a reminder, remember to look in the mirror and say this thing or feel this throughout my body. Is there any tips that helped you stay on the affirmations and the... Yeah, so I think it's that I believe we can choose how we wanna feel moment to moment and I got sick of feeling awful. So it's really in each moment, I'm like, do I want to feel bad about myself? Do I wanna be my own biggest critic in this moment or do I wanna be my own biggest cheerleader in this moment?

And there's so many people in this world who are going to serve as critics. I would much rather be my own cheerleader. Why are we our own critics? Why do we have to do that? And then we do it to other people. I will also say, I think about my death a lot. Oh my god.

I want to come to your funeral now. Can I be in your vision? I want to be in your vision. I'll stay really nice with you. We're going to in your vision? I want to be in your vision. I'll sing really nice things. We're going to bring in music. I'm sure. Right, celebration.

Yeah. Have you actually planned it? No, I just, I, yeah. You've got that far, yeah. No. Taylor Swift will be singing though. Obviously. Obviously with your special song, she just whips out for you for sure.

I want to also talk about boundaries because I feel like it's in everything that I'm reading and talking to comes up in every area now boundaries. And it is sort of a buzzy word which I love that they can be so happy for people to kind of get their head around like what do you actually mean by that it could be people who actually aren't used to setting boundaries because that's also a skill set I mean all the stuff is we're talking about these things that we should know but we just wasn't modeled to us. No I don't think we should not know that. We shouldn't know that. Nobody taught us these things. We are doing the best we can with the information

that we've been given, which is not very much. Exactly, in our homes either it just feels very oppressive or it's scarier set a boundary because someone's gonna get mad at us, but you had a great reframe on boundaries. You talked about before you commit to anything or make a decision, think about how does it resonate with you? Is this actually do you have the time and space

to give to this person above your own needs? Yes. And I think of all the times I say, yes, I want to do something, and there's always this other reason why maybe you just want to please people or we don't want to disappoint people or we don't really think it through. But to think my time is my most precious resource, how do I want to source it? How do I want to put it out there in the world? So like that moment before, like just to kind of adopt that. Yeah, to take a pause. So that's from Melissa Urban, who wrote an incredible book called The Book of Boundaries. And one of her top tips from the interview that I did with her was to take a pause before you

commit to anything before you answer yes, before you answer no. If somebody asks you a question, just say, I'm going to think about that for a second. And then you respond. I think an interesting thing about boundaries is I have boundaries in the energy section of my book, which a lot of people are like, wait, what does boundaries have to do with energy? Boundaries are one of the single most important things for energy. With energy, we often are like, oh, our mitochondria and we need to drink this drink and take this

supplement. But we are oozing time all over the place in ways that we are not really liking or agreeing to, in ways that we don't really consent to. And once you begin to take that time back, once you begin to take back the energy that you're spending on worrying about disappointing people and putting other people's needs above yourself, you don't need all these supplements and like all of this fancy top tier pyramid stuff, you need to take care of the boundaries first. So we put it in the energy section of the book very intentionally because I think that boundaries are one of the biggest seepages of energy that we're not talking about. I also think a really important thing to point out with boundaries is the boundary isn't

saying, I don't like it when you do this. A boundary is saying, if you do this, I'm going to remove myself from the situation. A boundary is the action that you take after somebody has violated the agreement that you have made with them. So, if you're just saying to your parent over and over, I don't like when you talk about my body, you're just saying to a friend over and over, this topic of conversation doesn't sit right with me. That is not a boundary.

A boundary is saying, I won't come to Thanksgiving dinner this year if you comment on my body. And if you comment on the body while you're there, I'm leaving. Like a boundary is saying what the action you're going to take is going to be and then sticking to that action. Examples are so helpful. Can you share a boundary? Maybe you've put into your relationship, your marriage? I mean, I said a lot of boundaries at work. So boundaries at work include we don't have communication after hours, computers are closed, text messages are off after 6 p.m. That's company-wide. I just think people do their best work when they can disconnect from work.

In my relationship, I'd say the boundaries are often about how we live together. So this is what I need for the house to feel good to me. This is what I need for our day-to-day life to feel good to me. And it's not so much about, I'm gonna leave in the relationship, but if you're not doing this, I'm not gonna do this. Yeah. And then talking about that,

I mean, that's why so much of your talk does resonate into sex as well, because it's like letting your partner know if the house is messy, I might not be turned on. That is such a perfect example. If it's freezing in the house, there's no way I'm gonna be turned on. The sheets are dirty, the dogs and the kids are,

like just to even explain that to your partner, I mean, sometimes we shut them down for sex. We're like, I don't want sex. We're not gonna do sex when this happens, but when will it happen? What does make you feel like, would you actually, what is your requirement to feel aroused and turned on? Because boundaries is so useful. Yeah, I feel stressed when the house is

really messy and it's really hard for me to get turned on when I'm stressed. Like, that's a very straightforward boundary. I can't have sex when the house is a mess, you know? Honestly, because otherwise you can get this resentment of like, there's dishes in the sink and you're resenting the dishes, but they're not noticing the dishes and then they're resenting that you don't want to have sex with them and nobody's just Communicating what the actual things impacting their mental state are. This is a great noticing Invitation for people that like really drill down and think what is it in my environment like what get curious about your own? You know your own life and your own preferences and like what is bothering you about your relationship your home Like you can drill it down

You can just walk on being annoyed all the time But there are probably little signs that we don't really think to even talk about it because the dishes are always in the sink. But to be like, Oh, maybe that's a moment and with a great boundary and good communication, maybe we can start to like heal some of these things. Another thing in the energy that I love, decision fatigue. I think that that is something that is so exhausting, especially if you, you're

working a lot at work, or you have a family, you go home, or in your relationship, but how do you just, how do we deal with decision fatigue? That's one that we don't even realize how many decisions we're making a day. Yeah, we make over 30,000 decisions in a single day, which sounds like a lot, but then you realize from the second you wake up, you're like, should I reach for my phone? Should I not reach for my phone? What should I wear today?

Should I brush my teeth before I work out? Should I brush my teeth after I work out? What should I eat for breakfast? There are so many decisions that we make in a single day. So the point of this section of the book is that those are sapping our energy in ways that we're not even aware of. And if we can eliminate those sources of decision fatigue, whether it's setting a rule in place, I talk about Rami Seti, he has a rule, it's a very simple rule. He's a financial expert, but he talks about if he sees a book and he wants that book, he buys it. He just has a rule. It's a very simple rule. He's a financial expert, but he talks about if he sees

a book and he wants that book, he buys it. He just has a rule that he doesn't have to think about buying a book. It's in a price point that he's really comfortable with. So instead of standing there and debating, oh my gosh, it's $39, is that worth it? Is it not worth it? He's like, I love books enough that I've made that decision ahead of time. I'm just going to buy it. I recently made that for myself, that decision with fun little drinks. So I used to stand at the grocery store with the like, ollie pop in my hand and be like, oh my God, it's $3.99 for a soda. What am I doing here? But I recently was like, I get so much joy from these silly little drinks that I made

a universal rule. I'm going to buy myself. I can't drink myself out of house and home with my silly little beverages, especially since I don't really drink alcohol anymore. So my general drinking costs have gone significantly down. So any silly little drink that I want to buy, a little healthy soda, a little kombucha, I just let myself buy and I don't debate it anymore. And it sounds inconsequential, but it is one decision out of many decisions that I've completely taken off of my plate. Automating things is a really great way of eliminating

decision fatigue. Automating your monthly credit card payments, also automating your savings so that you're not sitting there debating, oh my gosh, how much should I save? Should I save this month? Just automate it. And then it's out of your hands, it's happening.

Friendship is actually a really great way, I think you can eliminate decision fatigue by making standing plans with your friends. So we recently started doing game nights, we do them once a month. They rotate between different houses. Instead of being like, oh, what should we do? Should we meet up?

Blah, blah, blah. We have a standing game night. We know what night it's going to be on. We know what we're going to do. The person who's hosting gets to pick the game. It means that you get to have that social connection without bringing in the element of making the decision. I love it.

That makes sense. And I always think about Steve Jobs and his turtleneck. Yeah, I can't do that. I want it, that makes sense. And I always think about like Steve Jobs and his turtleneck, right? Yeah, I can't do that. I want to do that though, but see that to me, I go through by like- You dress so cute. You find other sources. So that's the other thing is like,

find the things that work for you. If fashion brings you joy, if like Emily, you dress so cute, like don't do that, because fashion clearly brings you joy. Or does it not? Do you just dress cute for me? Why do I dress cute? Because I know you like the way I dress.

No, I just don't like having so many things sometimes. I'm like, why do we need so many clothes? Why do we need? I guess I do it with food, though. I know exactly what I like to eat. I don't change it. I don't. That doesn't bother me that much.

But I think you can find the things that work for us. And whether it's doing, I have like, I do 20 minutes of a workout every single day. I rotate the things that I'm doing. So I don't have to think about my doing workout today, how long. I know that like on Mondays, I do the S of a workout every single day. I rotate the things that I'm doing, so I don't have to think about, am I doing a workout today, how long? I know that on Mondays, I'm doing the Sculpt Society. On Tuesdays, I'm doing weight training.

On Wednesdays, I'm going for a run. I just know what I'm doing, so I've taken the decision out of it. So you just think about, yeah, no, I love that. Automate people. Okay, so Liz, I have a question from a listener. I would love your help answering. No, fun.

Okay, she's 24 in Toronto. She wants to remain anonymous. Hi, Emily. I'm a huge fan of the show. Thank you for everything you do. It's been a huge help to me, my friends. I have a question about transitioning from a friend's with benefit relationship to dating

and how we should work on defining our new boundaries and building a deeper emotional relationship together. What questions should we be asking and how best can we start off on a good foot together in this transition? Any help would be appreciated. Well, first I want to say to anonymous, I love that she is asking this question now because instead of seeing this person primarily for sex in the casual relationship, well, now you're like, okay, we're going to be committed. We're going to have to understand each other

at all these like emotional levels and we're going to have to see see do we actually have the same values and do we like doing the same things you know they can do things outside the bedroom and I would think like do you like the same activities do you you know see a future a lot of times people when they're in friends with benefits or casual relationships like we don't talk about sex it's not safe enough so also the thing is about getting a little bit safer when you are you feel a bit safer to explore your sexuality so I hope that those are some great areas, anonymous that you can focus on. And just knowing that it's going to take time,

and just because you made this decision to transition, you're still taking steps. Remember, getting to know each other to step and pay attention to all the steps. But what I thought about you was your conversation cards, because I'm always thinking people are like, what questions should we be asking rather than being like, what are your values? You want children? I love you have these car decks that are just so fun to leave on your coffee table and ask each other, get to know each other. What are some of your favorite questions from your decks and can people buy those somewhere?

We can put those somewhere. Yes, yes, yes. You can buy those at healthycombo.co. These are conversation starter decks that my husband and I started this company together. We tested literally thousands of questions to narrow down to a small set of questions. I think they're 150 per deck and we have four decks. We have a raunchier together, which is a little bit more sexy. And then we have our original deck, which you can use with friends. So we have six different categories. We have wealth, which is a really interesting one

to get on the same page about financial conversations. So an example question from there is, how much money do you need to feel safe? My number was a lot higher than my husband's, and I think that has a lot to do with my childhood. It sparked some very interesting conversations. How did your parents talk to you about money as a kid? Name one thing that you spend money on that brings you joy. That one was so helpful for me and my husband because I think sometimes we can judge our partner's spending habits and when they say no, this thing is actually one of the big sources of joy for me. It puts it into perspective. We have love. What compliment do you get that you don't relate to? What is your favorite and least favorite part of your personality?

What's the most romantic thing you've ever done? And then we have growing up, which is all about your childhood. What was your first memory of being embarrassed? Were you an only child or did you have siblings? Did you ever wish for a different situation and why? In growing up, have you changed any of your opinions or values in a way that would have surprised your younger self? And then we have a well-being section, which is all about wellness. So we have do you experience anxiety? What does it feel like to you? This is a fun one, a fun one that everybody has really different reactions to.

Is there anything that freaks other people out that you're totally fine with? Like if you're the person who can take the spider and move them out of their room. And then we have what ifs, which are imaginative ones. If you could be president, would you, why or why not? There's so much here to it because I feel like when couples often feel like I'm going on a date or how do I talk to someone, I just love to be able to like,

whip out some cards and be like, let's play a game. And the answers, again, they change all of the time. So I'll play this game with my husband. We've obsessively tested all these questions. His answers today are different than when we formulated the questions. And so again, always leaving that space for growth. I do wanna say something too anonymous though,

that isn't just get my conversation cards, although I think she should do that too. Which is that I think we focus on these labels, friends with benefits in a relationship. And there's this assumption that these labels mean the same thing to everybody. And I think the most important thing you can do if you're going to take on any label in a relationship

is be really clear and get on the same page about what that relationship means to both of you. So friends with benefits could mean a different thing to each partner in the friends with benefits relationship, and that can cause a lot of problems. But also as you're transitioning into a relationship, what does that mean to the person you're getting into a relationship with? And what does that mean to you? The most important thing I think you can do is you're making these transitions is to get on the same page about what these words mean to you because they don't have universal meanings.

Yeah, absolutely. People do that with marriage too. They're like, oh, I thought commitment meant the same thing. I can't be on watching porn or I think porn's fine, but people are like, oh, I'm on whatever it is, cam girls or... Every relationship is gonna look different. You need to figure out with this person.

You're in a new relationship, which is so exciting. What does an ideal relationship mean to the two of you at this moment? Yeah. And I think often we don't know, we don't think about it. We just assume it's this model of all this happy couples that we see. We seemingly happy couples. All of this is about really knowing ourselves and what we want and learnings. No one ever asked us or we thought we had to follow these societal norms.

So what a great time going into a new relationship that you could even say, like, I actually never really thought about this, but how fun for us to gather to figure out what we both want. 100%. It's like, I just think two marriages, like this agreement that you sign forever, without any rules to it, any justifications, any like addendums, like any, you know, things that you want to follow. I always think it could be like a marriage contract should be renewed renewed like every few years. Yeah, when the Jewish faith, I think they do have like a contract that they sign and some couples will make that on their own and other couples will just follow one that's on there. And I think that's a really beautiful part of the Jewish faith is that you realize that you're not, that marriage means something. What does it mean? And getting on the

same page, what does marriage mean to us? Because marriage is going to mean a different thing to every single person. Exactly. Letting go of all the shoulds there too. Okay, Liz Moody, I'm going to ask you the five quickie questions we ask all of our guests. Biggest turn on. This is so weird. I've never said this anywhere. Okay, so either hands, like I love my husband's hands. So anything he's doing with his hands, I just think they're really beautiful. But then if he's doing something to me, like the inside of my elbow is a very erogenous spot's hand. So anything he's doing with his hands, I just think they're really beautiful. But then if he's doing something to me, like the inside of my elbow is a very erogenous spot for me.

So if you're like stroking it or kissing it, like the inside of my elbow, I love it. It's a secondary rodent zone. Wait, really? Yeah. Oh, that's a good thing. That's so validating. Yeah, okay. There we go. You're good. Like it's so weird.

No, we'll leave it off and no. So so many of you are going to go home and touch their elbows. Okay, thank you. Well, because when you were a kid and you would do like that thing where you run your hand up and down, it feels so good. Yeah. What makes good sex? Communication.

Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. That there's no such thing as good in bed. Being good in bed is about knowing what you want and what your partner wants. And it's going gonna change with different people and different partners. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? That it's always possible to transform your sex life no matter where you're coming from.

Thank you so much, Liz. Thank you so much for having me. It was such a fun conversation. So fun. Tell us where everyone can find you and follow along with everything you're doing. So I'm Liz Moody on Instagram and on TikTok, and that's where I share bite-sized little ways that you can transform your life.

I share the tips as I'm putting them into practice, as I'm trying them in my own life. And then I have my book, 100 Ways to Change Your Life. And then my podcast is called the Liz Moody Podcast. We have the Me and Zach relationship 15 tips episode. We have the one with Emily. We have the confidence one, so lots to dive into there. So many good topics. Thank you for being here Liz.

Thank you so much for having me. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559 Talk Sex. That's 559. I'm your host, Emily.

I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily.

I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, Emily. I'm your host, ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739.

Or go to SexWithEmily.com slash AskEmily. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at SexWithEmily.com.