Sex With Emily - Manifest Your Best Sex

Episode Date: September 27, 2024

Let’s manifest our dream partners and our best sex. Because listen: if our romantic lives aren’t aligned with the people we actually are, we have an opportunity to change that.  Today, I’ll tel...l you how I manifested my own partner, the specific steps used to get there, and why the science behind this practice works. I’ll also answer your questions about finding the one and how manifestation can apply to your everyday dating and sex dilemmas. In this episode, you’ll learn: What is manifestation How to manifest your ideal partner Key questions to deepen connections and understand compatibility when dating. Show Notes: Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Yes! No! Maybe? List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides.  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure This episode is brought to you by: VIIA (Visit Viiahemp.com and use code "Emily" at checkout for 15% off your order) Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website  Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube Let’s text: Sign up here Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Be the person you want to find. You're already whole. You're already good. You already have everything that you need. So my final quote on this from Joseph Spenzan, he says, life is about the management of energy where you place your attention is where you place your energy. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Let's manifest our dream partners and our best sex because listen, if our romantic lives aren't aligned with the people we actually are, well we have an opportunity to change that. Today I'm going to tell you how I manifested my own partner, for real, the specific steps used to get there and why the science behind this practice works.
Starting point is 00:00:50 I'll also answer your questions about finding the one and how manifestation can apply to your everyday dating and sex dilemmas. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It helps get the show out to more people and it just takes you a few seconds to do it. You can just do it right now. Look at your phone, look at your app that you're listening to this on and review us. We so appreciate it.
Starting point is 00:01:11 You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook, all the places. It's all at Sex with Emily. My new articles, I asked my mom five things about her sex, sexuality and aging, and here's what she said. And eight most common sexual struggles for couples and how to solve them are both up on sexwithemily.com. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode.
Starting point is 00:01:32 Did you know that your gut health directly impacts your sexual wellness? It's true. So if you're wondering why you're not in the mood or have no energy for your sex life, it might be time to examine your gut microbiome. Your gut can control everything from libido, arousal levels, energy level, mood, and of course bloat. I don't know about you, but for me personally, when I'm bloated, my food's not digesting well, the last thing I want to do is have sex. Knowing the importance of gut health, I've always tried my
Starting point is 00:02:04 best when it comes to probiotics. And in doing my research, I find myself getting all these fancy probiotics, but never noticing a big difference. That's until I met Just Thrive. I love getting to recommend products with all of you that I use in my everyday life. It just feels like I'm sharing with friends. And you're my friends. And I want to tell you all about my journey with Just Thrive probiotics. So I've been taking them for a few months now
Starting point is 00:02:25 and I've truly noticed a difference. I digest things easier and most importantly, I've noticed such a big change in my overall energy. I do not feel lethargic after a big meal. And actually I feel more energized and I wanna keep going, doing work, having sex. And I talked to the creator of Just Thrive about what makes their probiotic different. And get this, Just Thrive is the only probiotic that
Starting point is 00:02:49 survives your stomach acid and actually reaches your gut a hundred percent alive. All those other ones that come in fancy drink so you got to refrigerate, nope, those all die in your stomach acid. But not Just Thrive. Just Thrive is vegan friendly, non-GMO made with only the best and safest ingredients. Just Thrive. Just Thrive is vegan friendly, non-GMO, made with only the best and safest ingredients. Just Thrive has made an active difference in my life. If you try it out and you don't feel the same way, you don't have to worry about it because they do have a hundred percent money back guarantee if for any reason doesn't work for you. No worries.
Starting point is 00:03:16 They won't even ask you questions. That's how confident Just Thrive is that you're gonna love their product. So check it out at JustThriveHealth.com. Use my code BogoSWE to buy one 30-day probiotic and get another one for 50% off. That's code B-O-G-O-S-W-E. And this deal also applies to their Just Calm Gummies, which I love too. So check it out. That's JustThriveHealth.com. Use code BogoSWE to buy one 30-day probiotic and get another for 50% off. Let's talk about your vagina for a second, shall we? You're gonna wanna hear this.
Starting point is 00:03:49 Our vaginal health changes throughout our lifetime, whether we're postpartum, we use that baby, peri-menopausal, or in menopause, all because of the loss of estrogen. So we experience more infections, itching, dryness, sometimes incontinence, you know, the old sneeze and pee. I'm always on the lookout for solutions and I've got one for you that is next level.
Starting point is 00:04:09 V-Health has become part of my nighttime routine. It's a non-hormonal solution that restores vaginal moisture, elasticity, and pleasure. V-Health uses the perfect amount of naturally occurring growth factors women lose with age to safely regenerate the cells in the vaginal lining so they can do what they're supposed to do, repair and regrow cells.
Starting point is 00:04:27 V Health uses noble prize winning technology, growth factors to regenerate vaginal tissues and significantly improve the vaginal health, which means more hydration, elasticity, healthy color, moisture, all the things. And no joke, all the women on the sex-women team are using V Health right now, and they're blown away. The V Health serum is a game changer for women's health.
Starting point is 00:04:49 The first topical of its kind using targeted growth factors. So if you want more pleasure, less discomfort, and who doesn't, check out V Health. And you can save 20% now when you go to getvhealth.com and use promo code EMILY20. That's getvhealth, G-E-T-V-H-E-A-L-T-H.com. Use promo code EMILY20 for 20% off today. Let's talk about manifesting. This is something that I am super, super passionate about.
Starting point is 00:05:21 Well, because it works and it's been coming up a lot lately, not just with you, but with my friends and people wanting to say like, why can't I find the right person? Like, why do I keep attracting people that aren't right for me? Why do I have a type that isn't serving me? When we talk about manifesting, I'm going to get into that in a minute, but I asked all of you on Instagram as well. I said, have you ever tried this? Have you ever tried manifesting, I'm gonna get into that in a minute, but I asked all of you on Instagram as well, and I said, have you ever tried this? Have you ever tried manifesting a partner?
Starting point is 00:05:49 And 39% of you said yes, which I love. 38% of you said no, and 23% of you said not yet, but I want to, which is great because we're gonna do it today. And I think if you've been looking for someone or you've been trying to find a relationship that serves you, just in a dead end pattern of dating the wrong types,
Starting point is 00:06:13 this is gonna help you. I'm gonna give you specific tips here. So I'm gonna start with my own story and tell you how manifesting has worked for me. So for years, I've been reading about, talking to people about, hearing tales from people about how they manifested their partner. And I knew what that was. They got really, really specific. They wrote it down and they were clear. They talk about writing it down and lighting sage, climbing to the top of a mountain, sleeping with a piece of paper under their pillow.
Starting point is 00:06:44 All these ways are like, and I, my partner shut up. And I was like, that's really cool. I bet that works. Cause I know how, how the process works. Like you can pretty much manifest everything and you get clear in your own life. For me personally, while I found it interesting, I wasn't in a part of my life where I actually
Starting point is 00:07:01 was looking for someone ever really. I mean, yes, I had boyfriends and partners and lovers and many things, but I was never like, I'm really ready to find that right person, which I know there might be some irony there because you're thinking, well, that's your job. And you're, remember I am a sex and relationship expert, but doesn't necessarily mean
Starting point is 00:07:17 that I want everything that you want. Well, here's what happens. The pandemic rolls in and it gave me time to get really, really clear on what I actually did want in a relationship and my goals for relationships. Now, we know that the whole world kind of slowed down and I thought to myself, I really would like to be in a relationship that find my partner, that can go the distance. And I thought, I'm gonna do this manifesting list thing. And when I say like, I would say ready to do the work,
Starting point is 00:07:50 what I mean is getting intentional, getting intentional about what kind of relationship I wanted because not that I hadn't been in relationships, I've had a lot of wonderful relationships and I've dabbled in all kinds. I've had long-term relationships and short-term relationships and casual relationships and casual relationships and open relationships and all the things.
Starting point is 00:08:07 And when I realized this was my lifestyle, I wasn't really ready to say like, okay, no, I want that partner that could be all these different things. I even had a business advisor. I was like, well, when am I going to date? Like I want to go out there and date. And he's like, you know what, Emily, things are busy. Like how about Q1? And I was like, what are you talking about?
Starting point is 00:08:22 Like that seems so cold. Like I can't do it yet. But I decided, you know what? That's fine, we're not gonna rush this, but I'm just gonna make a list. And I really just opened up the notes in my phone and I started to write down what I wanted. And I just envisioned, you know, the traits and the values
Starting point is 00:08:35 and things that I was looking for in a partner. And I was very, very specific. I know it can be hard to just sit down and make that note in your phone of all the things that you're manifesting in your future partner. Believe me, it was hard for me. So something that helped me was Vaya's Elevate Focus Gummies.
Starting point is 00:08:49 I've been working with Vaya for years and you guys are always messaging me with how much you love these gummies. Vaya is a THC CBD curated cannabis experience that offers a range of products including gummies that can help you with all different things. I have them in my nightstand for sleep. I have them for focus and creativity. I always love their high love aphrodisiac gummies. They boost your arousal levels.
Starting point is 00:09:14 They have aphrodisiac, exotic herbs and cannabinoids, but they also have THC and CBD. So when you're trying to get in the mood and you're in your head, you just find when you take one of these gummies you feel things more. You feel more connected to your partner. There's been so many studies lately. One in particular is the Forbes 2023 study found that 62% of respondents reported increased pleasure while they were masturbating after using marijuana and over 40% of the women said they were more able to have multiple orgasms while using some marijuana. I just love these gummies. I find that they just help me with so many things.
Starting point is 00:09:52 So I wanted to share this with you. You just take one of these delicious strawberry gummies. If you're thinking about feeling more connected to your partner or you take an Elevate gummy to focus. I just love them all. They are all high quality products. They're effective, they're affordable, and the finest hemp. If you're 21 or over, spice up your love life with VIA's amazing Elevate Focus gummies. They're high love gummies. All of them. All you got to do is go to VIAHemp.com. That's V-I-I-A-H-E-M-P.com.
Starting point is 00:10:19 Use code EMILY and get 15% off your order. That's VIAhemp.com, use code EMILY for 15% off your order. And I'll also put this link in the show notes. All right, back to my story. Well, in the fall of 2021, I met this partner and we were fixed up by a mutual friend. And then I found this list. But I remember spending time on it. And then I kind of went about my life and did other things. And then after I met this partner, I found this list. So I remember spending time on it. And then I kind of went about my life and did other things.
Starting point is 00:10:45 And then after I met this partner, I found this list. So I'm gonna read you some of the things that are going to perhaps inspire you and you can see where we're going. Because these things, I got specific and my partner is a lot of these things. Here we go. Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable and real
Starting point is 00:10:59 with really my intention of helping all of you while I share this with you. I wrote, makes me laugh a lot, courts me unconditionally, nurtures me by asking thoughtful questions, remembering things that I've told him. This all seems pretty basic, right? Cooking. Cooking comes up a few times, as does driving, which is important. I don't like driving or cooking.
Starting point is 00:11:21 I trust him. We like working out, eating healthy. We have an active lifestyle. I wrote therapy has been a priority in his life at some point. Sexually explorative and curious. Acts with integrity in business, with family, with me. Dominant in the bedroom.
Starting point is 00:11:38 Very masculine. He's in service to others. Generous and kind. Passion about planning. So I'm not a planner. I am not a planner. I have many things, but I will not plan. Like if we were dating and you weren't a planner,
Starting point is 00:11:51 like nothing would happen. In fact, I dated a guy a few years ago and neither one of us ever made plans. We didn't do anything but like stayed home and like watched TV. I'm like, this is going nowhere. Somebody has to be a planner. So he's a planner. When you're specific, you're going to get what you want.
Starting point is 00:12:04 So you really like have to be clear. Organize. I would organize with belongings because I sometimes am not always as organized. So like he knows where everything is. He's all these things. And I don't think that I've dated anyone who are all of these things before. So almost down to like what I had written, I, this person like came into my life. I think the process of just getting clear and being really focused was helpful and helped me find that partner. So I challenge you and I encourage you to take some of the things we're going to talk about right now to make your own list and think about how do they want
Starting point is 00:12:44 to make you feel like, how do you want to feel when you're with them? What do you guys like doing together? What's important to you? Okay. So let's just talk a little about manifestation. I might even lost some of your like, what are you talking about manifestation? Like, I'm going to think about a million dollars and a million dollars is going to end up my bank account. Like that's what I'm talking about. So basically manifestation is when you think something is going to happen, you continue to think about it and it happens. Again, I know it might seem out there. There are some science-backed principles behind it. So Dr. Carol Dweck, she's one of the foremost researchers on a fixed mindset versus a growth
Starting point is 00:13:22 mindset. And she repeatedly demonstrates that believing that you can do something makes it more likely that you're going to achieve it. Dr. Dweck's research has shown that students achieve higher academic outcomes if they are told they can improve their grades through effort, not by being told that they're naturally smart. Well, that's a fixed mindset. Believing you're a certain kind of person destined for a certain kind of life. But through a growth mindset,
Starting point is 00:13:47 students realize they are capable of achieving a certain destiny if they put in the work. Well, that's exactly what you're doing with manifestation, saying you are capable of growing into the person worthy of a relationship aligned with your values. Not simply saying you want that relationship. So more science, Joe Dispenza, who I am a huge fan of, he's a lecturer, researcher, author, educator, and he's written a few books.
Starting point is 00:14:13 And one of them that I love is Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. And he explains this process more if you're interested more in the science of it, so it's not just some kind of like we're going to make a vision board together and like sing kumbaya, there is some science and he talks about in three steps about thinking feeling and being so his research supports and the research supports that we can change the brain and the body by thought alone it shows that we are able to change the pathways in our brain and create new ones that will allow us to everything that we imagine, feel, think, believe
Starting point is 00:14:55 can happen. But the process is really thinking it and feeling it and then merging that with your mind and body. And so I'm gonna walk you through the process now that is sort of mimic some of this. There's a lot of power in this and truth in this and science behind it. So let's talk about now how we can relate all of this to your sex and your dating life. Okay? How you can be more intentional, how you can be more specific to attract the partner,
Starting point is 00:15:27 person that you want in your life. Here's some steps. So I want you to think about what are those qualities that you wanted to partner? How would you prioritize those things? Like what do you know, getting really specific? Like what are the qualities you desire? Do you want someone who is kind and loving and adores you and makes you laugh?
Starting point is 00:15:49 Do you want someone who makes a difference in the world? I just talked to a friend today and she got fixed up with someone. She's like, I'm so excited because he's a philanthropist. Like for her, that is something that's like so exciting to her. And I've been working with her on manifesting. In fact, last week she called me and said, she's going to a party. And I said, okay, imagine right now you're with this partner that is coming your way, this person that we are manifesting.
Starting point is 00:16:10 What would he be doing? Is he picking you up? When he comes in the door, what is he wearing? So we've been kind of been playing with some of these concepts, like just getting really clear. So anyway, she was excited that he's a philanthropist. Now for you, you might be like, I don't want anyone who does that. Like, I need to find a doctor.
Starting point is 00:16:23 I need to find someone who works in sales. You can get clear and specific here. Do you want someone who really believes in you? How important is it this person is involved in your life? How important is this person is supporting you and elevating you? How important is it that they like the same things that you like?
Starting point is 00:16:40 Do you want them? If you're a swimmer, do you want them to also swim? I mean, this is where it's fun. Like if I'm telling you now and backed up by science that the clearer, more specific you get, the more intentional you get, and clearer, clearer, clearer, and what you actually want, not like, oh, I want that, but I can never have it. With your thoughts, you can create whatever you want. Like it doesn't matter if you want someone who's like an astronaut, can fly you to the moon. Like this is all cool. I'm not saying you're going to get all of it,
Starting point is 00:17:07 but don't let that hold you back. I don't want to hear like, well, that could never happen, or I'm not good for that, or these people don't exist. No, they do exist. They exist in your thoughts. They exist in your mind. And this is the best part about manifesting is that it all exists. You just get to write it down and be clear. So you have to remove all of those obstacles, right? All the thinking that you have that are telling you that it's not gonna happen. And if you care about these things, like you're like their age matters,
Starting point is 00:17:32 like their education level matters, how much money they make, cool, write it all down. Journaling, writing down. So here's some areas that to focus on. You could think about like physical material. You could say like, I want them to be this tall, or this color hair, or this color eyes, make this much money.
Starting point is 00:17:50 That's fine. That's cool. You can talk about their interests, their hobbies. What do they like doing on the weekends? What do they do with their spare time? Are they a reader? Do they love movies? What about their psychological and their emotional capacity?
Starting point is 00:18:04 How good are they? Are they emotionally capacity? How good are they? Are they emotionally mature? How good are they at intimacy? What are their values in lifestyle? This is really important. If you care about their religion, if they have children, if they want children, what are their beliefs around raising children? Get clear.
Starting point is 00:18:18 Are they playful? What's their creativity like? Are they spiritual? How committed are they to acting in integrity? How much do they love? So get clear. Write down all these traits. And the next step after you are clear is to read through this list.
Starting point is 00:18:35 You can set a daily reminder, put it on your phone. And then just expressing gratitude for the outcome that's already happened. I want you to feel that it's already happened. Know that it is coming. Thank you so much for bringing this person to my life. I love having this person in my life. I already feel them. Now this ritual is gonna help guide your life in the direction of your ideal partner, okay?
Starting point is 00:18:57 Then I want you to just remove all the obstacles getting in your way. Again, this could be your limiting beliefs. Like this won't happen, I'll never find the person, I always attract bad boys. It could also be conflicts. Like maybe you always do attract people that aren't right for you.
Starting point is 00:19:10 Like people who are unavailable or people who just don't have values that you like, but yet you're saying I want something else. Remove that obstacle. Say you don't tell yourself that you keep attracting these bad people. Like get rid of that. Removing all the bad behaviors and people that
Starting point is 00:19:26 don't serve you. Just remove it, right? The next step is visualizing it. Visualizing it, what are they doing? Where are you going? Pictures of holding hands, having sex, whatever it is, visualize it. It's so important to get that picture in your mind's eye. You know, like this is why it's so important to be specific because the more specific we are, this is how that person's going to come into you. This is how this person's going to come into your life when you're specific. And then the last step is to trust the process, trust it's happening, trust that person coming, this person's coming into your life and you just have a knowing. And then I want you to repeat this practice. It doesn't have to be daily, maybe it's weekly.
Starting point is 00:20:07 I mean, I forgot about my own list for some time, but try and fit this practice regularly into your life. Share it with friends. Keep it top of mind. This is the person. Thank you for making this person already come into my life. Act as if they're already there. Another great thing, I remember hearing this
Starting point is 00:20:25 years ago and I think there was a book entitled this by a monk that I was really into. I think her name is Sherry Huber and she had a book called Be the Person You Want to Find. Rather than trying to find someone who completes you or they, you know, we always think like you complete me or I want to find my better half. We're kind of inhabiting those traits and being that person already. So be the person you want to find. We don't need to get a relationship to feel this like deep dark hole in ourselves. Learning to love and accept yourself as a whole person before you do all this or while you're doing this process is super helpful, okay? You're already whole. You're already good. You already have
Starting point is 00:21:04 everything that you need. So my final quote on this from Jotis Benzion. He says, life is about the management of energy. Where you place your attention is where you place your energy. In other words, we begin with the thoughts. We respond to those thoughts through feelings and then we actualize those feelings into behaviors. It's our behaviors that are the crucial last step, helping us design a life that reflects the type of partner we want. Let's take a short break and when we come back,
Starting point is 00:21:36 I'll get into all of your manifestation and relationship questions. Don't go away. All right, it is finally here, you guys. I'm so excited to announce my very own SmartSX community. We just launched the membership and I'm really excited to tell you about it and hopefully you will join us.
Starting point is 00:21:56 So I've been doing the podcast for 20 years and here's what happened. I got really sick of this one-sided conversation. Yes, you go back and listen to thousands of episodes and get my advice and read the blogs and check out the videos, but the way that we actually make changes with sex and relationships is when it's a dialogue,
Starting point is 00:22:15 it's a conversation, so I can work with you. It is time to do the work. Now this membership has it all. There are AMAs, you can ask me anything. There'll be live coaching, guest coaching, workshops, webinars, along with weekly exclusive Q&A sessions with me, exclusive content with some of the best minds in sexual health and wellness, and so many other things. But I gotta tell you something, I don't know exactly where this membership is going.
Starting point is 00:22:38 And that's because I'm building it right alongside you. I'm catering this membership to the members, to you. I want to know what you want and I'm going to fulfill your needs. Because you know, I go on all these retreats, I teach retreats and workshops and we have all these big breakthroughs and we're all connected and then people go back to their towns and they're like, I have no one to talk to. I don't know what to do. And so with SmartSX, you will have the opportunity to connect with like-minded community of people who are also passionate about improving their intimate lives. You're gonna build
Starting point is 00:23:06 connections, share stories, find advice, all in a really safe space. So if you're interested in this membership, it has it all. We are starting a pleasure revolution and I would love you to join. So go to my website, SexWithEmily.com and click on the membership tab that's SexWithEmily.com. Click the membership tab and I will see you there. We're gonna get to your questions. I love when you send me your questions. This is from Savannah 23 in South Africa. We're gonna help you here Savannah.
Starting point is 00:23:36 Hey Dr. Emily, I've been listening to your podcast for a while now and it's helped me so much and given me so much confidence in terms of my own sexuality and dating. I've always been on the dating scene, but I've never gotten an actual relationship out of it. I'm wanting to find someone and have a proper long-term relationship. I don't believe in entering a committed relationship if I don't feel for certain that it's something I can see going long-term. With that being said, I want to know what questions
Starting point is 00:24:01 you would ask someone that you are interested in dating to get to know them in a deeper, more intimate level. Thanks so much. All right. This is such a great question for our manifestation show because first, you know, when you're saying like, I don't feel for certain it's something I can see going long-term, like I love that you know what you want. First of all, you sound very, very clear. So that is great.
Starting point is 00:24:20 And you're asking for some questions. I love the Gottman card deck. It is an app. You can find it in the app store. John and Julie Gottman were guests on this show before and they are just brilliant. They've been studying love and relationships and dating for 40, 50 years. They have a few different decks on their app. There's one called date questions. You could even share it with somebody. You could have these questions written in your phone and just kind of think of the ones that you like and they have hundreds of them. I like this.
Starting point is 00:24:49 Like, so if you could jump on a plane tomorrow, where would you go? Another way to say that to a prospective date or someone you're dating could be like, where's your next vacation? Where are you dying to go? Right? You could say, what'd you like most about where you grew up? What'd you like about at least? Now these are questions that you're not just collecting
Starting point is 00:25:06 facts, you're actually listening. If they said like, I hated the snow, right? And I hate the cold weather, but you are an avid skier, not saying this is someone that you dump, but you're gathering information, right? When we're dating, I think sometimes we just try to too quickly decide like, is this person for me or not? But just think of it like like this is a new person,
Starting point is 00:25:26 I'm getting more information. What's something small that really makes your day? Now, we could learn a lot from this. Maybe they say like, I love my walk home from work because it's the time where I really get to connect to nature and then you find out like, wow, I like nature too. It looks like we both like hiking and being outdoors. If he says like,
Starting point is 00:25:46 I love when I look at the end of the day, maybe they're like a stockbroker, like I see how much money I made. Then you know that they're like really driven by specific goals and driven by money, right? Like all these questions will just lead you to understanding this person more. What's your favorite part of your job?
Starting point is 00:26:00 Describe your ideal morning. That's a great question to ask. Like, what do you find someone who's like, I love getting up at 4 a.m. and you love your mornings. Like you like to sleep in and this person is a 4 a.m. They rise at 4 a.m. Don't you want to know that now? I would.
Starting point is 00:26:14 What's your favorite way to be creative? What would you do if you won $100,000? I love this question. Where are their values? This is going to tell you their values, where they focus on what's important to them. If you had a superpower, what would it be? What was your favorite books growing up?
Starting point is 00:26:27 What's your favorite holiday? So these are just some things that you might think like, what's that going to tell me? But if you really listen, you have to remember to become active listeners and you take that to like the level beneath the level of what it means, you could learn a lot. Savannah, the important thing here is just don't ask questions. Pay attention how they respond and focus on questions that relate to their passions, their talents, their family and friends. What do they see as a good life? Because that's where you're going to find out, is this person that I can be aligned with? Is this someone I can see being in a long-term relationship with? And I think asking questions like these are
Starting point is 00:27:02 just a really fun way to get to know someone as well, rather than being like, so tell me about your hopes and dreams and where do you want to go? Right? Like have some fun with it. All right? You've got this Savannah. I can't wait to hear where it takes you. We've got Roxanne. She's 50 in Austin. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love all that you do and thanks for providing these services. I'm a single woman looking for straight men. My long-term objective is to find an LTR, a long-term relationship. However, not only have I not dated since pre-pandemic,
Starting point is 00:27:31 it's also been several years since I had sex. So I'm totally fine with a few one-night stands or a friends with benefits situation for now in order to scratch the itch. I took a recent break from the dating apps and now feel that I'm ready to get back to the apps. And here's my dilemma. How do I create a recent break from the dating apps and now feel that I'm ready to get back to the apps. And here's my dilemma. How do I create a profile where I'm upfront about wanting something casual, but craft
Starting point is 00:27:52 it so that a, it will be interpreted as a free for all for all the creeps, i.e. I want to be mindful of any potential danger and being this open about what I seek and b, I don't sound desperate, meaning anyone from work could potentially see my profile. And I'm concerned about my profile stating that I'm down for an FWB and any possible judgment or fallout. Please help. I heard your podcast the other day on the topic of dating and you mentioned being upfront
Starting point is 00:28:16 about what you want, but not sure about how to do so given the above concerns. When I've gone in apps before, I never stated wanting something casual. So at that time, it was not an issue. I appreciate your help. So I love this question because I think that there is this fear that we all have about like, I could never tell anyone that I want something casual. I can never say I'm just looking for someone
Starting point is 00:28:39 to hang out with on the weekends or just flip for a sex partner. But I'm thinking like, why? Like if you are clear and you know what you want, how great that you're going to be able to attract that and then weed out all the people that don't fit the bill. And I'm telling you, when you are specific, you will find those people. I've heard from so many people who are looking for exactly what you're looking for, people of all genders who also want an FWB and they're
Starting point is 00:29:05 not sure how to say it. So I think you got to say it right now. Like this is what I'm looking for. I'm looking for somebody that I can spend time with. I'm not looking for a long-term commitment. And be clear, you know, my friend, Wednesday Martin on her dating profile, she was so specific. She said, I want to be chased and I want to be cherished. I was like, you're stating that you want someone to chase you and she was a few other things she said, but she sure enough found plenty of suitors, plenty of people were like, I love chasing, I want to chase you. And so I think that when you're really upfront and you state it, not only
Starting point is 00:29:42 are you being kinder to yourself and you're more likely to attract what you want, but it's allowing other people to also know what you need and what you want. Now you can continue to evolve this message as you get clearer, but I think just saying like, right now I'm looking for someone to spend time with and to be more casual. You can even put in what that definition of casual is.
Starting point is 00:30:05 Like you could say like, I wanna go to movies and do sleepovers, but I'm not ready to meet your family. You know, I think that we have to show people what we want. Like give examples. Roxanne, this might really help you get clear by saying like, when you picture an FWB, are you seeing them on a Saturday night?
Starting point is 00:30:21 Is it only Wednesdays? So like getting clear ourselves, they're gonna help you find the person you want and be able to put that into words. This is from Shay, 30, in Washington DC. Hey Dr. Emily, I met an amazing guy in Bumble. Our values align and we have fun together. He's successful and he's hot. We've been on at least six dates and each one ends in a hug. I feel like we have some sparks during conversation but he never advances to anything physical. Up until now I've been too nervous to make the first move.
Starting point is 00:30:46 I'm left feeling so apprehensive because I don't know what to expect at the end of our dates. Will I get a kiss, be invited back to his place, etc. On our last date, he went to hug me goodbye and I panicked. I made an attempt at asking if he felt things were going well. It was freezing outside. It was awkward and now I ask it and clearly I made him uncomfortable. I really like this guy and I want to make it work.
Starting point is 00:31:06 So how can I approach a conversation with him to progress to the next level? How do I know whether to keep trying or walk away? Well, I think Shay, given what we've learned about manifestation, can you in your mind think about what you want to happen with this guy? Like what would it be like to kiss him, picture it as it's happening and I would plan another date with him. Now you're saying that it was awkward
Starting point is 00:31:32 and it clearly made him uncomfortable. I've heard this from so many of you are like, it was clear, they didn't like me anymore. It was never gonna happen again. And nine out of 10 times, it's just not the case at all. So I think you've gone out with this guy enough, you know now like that you are attracted to what you want and even recognize like maybe it was awkward to say, hey last time the date didn't end it how I want it to end but
Starting point is 00:31:54 I'd love to see you again and then why don't you plan the date? Tell them what you want to do and where you want to go and then I want you to start thinking about how do we want the date to end this time, right? Is he walking up to your door, sleeping over? Are you guys making out in the car? Are you going for a walk somewhere? Like, what is actually happening on this date? So get clear on it and I don't think it's too late. Listen, if someone goes out with you six times, at least six times, that means they're pretty interested. They're pretty invested. And I doubt that one seemingly awkward thing or like according to you like you did something awkward on the date is going to really be the thing that's going to end this all together. We're so extreme in our
Starting point is 00:32:32 thoughts. We're so hard on ourselves. So I say there's still a lot of time here to make this what you want, to repair it and to call the shots. Make this happen Shay. You got this. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X, and Facebook. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on SexWithEmily.com, and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life,
Starting point is 00:33:12 dating or relationships, call my hotline, 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739, or just go to SexWithEmily.com slash Ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at SexWithemily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com.

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