Sex With Emily - Manifest Your Best Sex Life w/ Gabby Bernstein

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

In today's episode, I had the pleasure of speaking with #1 NYT Bestselling author Gabby Bernstein. As a spiritual leader and motivational speaker, Gabby shares how you can manifest the sex life you want but through a practical, less woo, lens and how to work through sexual trauma and change your core beliefs around sex. We also get into Internal Family Systems therapy and how young women today speak about sex differently than our generation. In today’s episode, you’ll learn: How spirituality can enhance your sexuality How to boost your confidence (in and out of the bedroom) Tools for working through trauma See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com. Show Notes: My appearance on the Dear Gabby podcast! More Gabby Bernstein: Website | Instagram Happy Days The Universe Has Your Back Self Help (coming 2/31/24) SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular.

Sex with Emily is looking for a new senior podcast producer. We are sorry to say goodbye to Erica, but she is leaving to pursue her music career, and I know she's going to have much success. We are looking for a senior producer right now that can start and help us with content production. You have technical expertise. You know how to manage a team. You can collaborate and you have experience working in production with audio or podcasting and video.

And you're also familiar with the content because you're listening to the show. Send your cover letter and resume to jobs at sexwithemily.com. We'd love to have you join our growing team and we have a good time over here. Thank you. So much of our lack of sexual pleasure is because of sexual trauma. The beliefs of a trauma victim are, I have to override myself, I don't have value,

sex is shameful, I have to do this. It's not up to me, very powerless. Clearing those beliefs, the first step is to recognize them. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today's guest is a woman I've been following since being inspired by her work on the O4 Winfrey show

years ago, and it's been incredible to see the impact her work has had on so many people around the world. Gabby Bernstein is a spiritual leader, a New York Times bestselling author and a motivational speaker with over two decades of helping people achieve and manifest the life they dream of. What I really love is that she also shares how you can manifest a sex life you want, but through a more practical lens. You know this is the kind of stuff I love to unpack. How to work through sexual trauma and find out what's holding you back so you could really understand your core beliefs around sex.

And then you get to keep what works and leave the rest. And there's no one better to do it than with a person who really gets it. Also, we'll add a link to the incredible interview I did in Gabby's podcast this week called Dear Gabby. We'll put it in the show notes. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, how to deal with a low sex drive and what you can do to boost it is up on sexwithemily.com. All right, everyone. Enjoy this episode.

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through her bestselling books that you've probably heard of. She's got her podcast, live talks, and so much more. I actually just went to hear her speak in Los Angeles. It was completely sold out. There was 2,000 people there. It was incredible. New York Times also called her a new role model, and she's the host of the Dear Gabby podcast. And most recently, she has a new app.

It's called the Gabby Coaching app and a few months ago she said to me and she's like, download it, see what you think. And I download a lot of apps and I don't always stick with them but there's something about this app you guys. I really have used it. I open it up and there's just like one minute motivations.

It's fun because she breaks it down to like, are you stressed, you can't make a decision, you wanna know what to do next, do you have anxiety? And it's just these little clips and her voice is just so soothing that I've loved this app. And then she also has lessons and courses and I found it really, really helpful. I did a 21 day challenge

and it was about getting clear on something in my life and it completely worked and I'm so clear and I actually feel shifted. She's not a paid sponsor. I just love Gabby Bernstein. We do get into manifestation in this episode real quick, but even if you are a skeptic, I think you're going to really understand it and be a believer by the end of this show.

Hope you enjoyed this talk with Gabby. Let's get into it. Gabby Bernstein. I've really wanted to be here for a long time. Thank you for having me. Yeah, I'm so excited you're here. really wanted to be here for a long time. Thank you for having me. Yeah, I'm so excited you're here. I've wanted you here for a long time too,

because I've just been following your work for a long time because spiritual work has always been a really important foundation for my work. And a lot of people listen to my podcast because they want the tips. We talk a lot about the brain-mind-body connection. We talk about understanding our bodies and empowerment, a lot of stuff that we talked about in your podcast. But there is an

aspect of the spirituality and manifesting that I have found is such a powerful tool to really getting what we want, whether it's the partner that we want, the sex life that we want, and we keep getting into situations where we're, why do I keep getting the assholes? Why is my sex life so bad? Why do these relationships keep showing up? How would you explain the process of manifesting? Manifesting is kind of a hot topic these days. And that's cool. I mean, that's a good trend.

It's a better trend than lip gloss or whatever. But I think that really understanding that manifesting is actually our natural power we all have within us. I wrote a whole book called Super Attractor. We are all super attractors, but we forget. So it's not like this is some woo thing that we have to just activate in our life. It's actually who we are. We are an energy field.

We are a aligned intention. We are creating what we believe. It's not necessarily about manifesting. It's about undoing. It's about undoing the beliefs that hold you back from really attracting the life that you want and being a magnet for what you want, rather than a magnet for what you don't want. It's core beliefs. It's like you want to have good sex. You have to believe that you are safe in your body, you have to believe that you're worthy of love, you have to believe that you're cared for, you have to believe that you're connected. Bringing this back to sex because that's where we're here, right? But the more aligned you are spiritually, the more valuable you will feel, the more physically embodied you become

as well. And I don't mean like a spiritual alignment from the standpoint of sitting on a meditation pillow and getting above your stuff. I mean, being in the world, but having a spiritual perspective, because when you have that spiritual perspective, you're in an attunement, like a positive energy, a positive belief system.

And that guides you to all the things that you need to really stay healthy and happy in this physical body as well. So then it really sounds like it's our beliefs and our thoughts that's getting us off track. Like that is the problem. Same with sex too. Beliefs and thoughts around sex, everything. But think about it. It's like if you don't believe you're worthy in some way, then the universe will reflect that back to you. You'll continue to experience these sort of moments of, oh,

that could have happened, but it didn't happen, or resistance, or people literally saying, well, you're not worthy of that. So if you don't believe that you are good enough, that's going to be reflected back to you. If you don't believe that you are valuable, you're going to create more relationships that lack your value. And so the belief systems, the core belief systems that we hold, this isn't just a spiritual practice, this is also a personal development practice.

You know, I'm a spiritual teacher and I'm a self-help book author. And so they go hand in hand. Personal development, therapeutic processes, and spiritual development are the mixture. You can't just sit on your ass and meditate and think that you're going to heal your trauma. Well, that's what I love about you because you really do bring it down to earth. Like, I think that you were one of the first ones that resonated with me personally, probably 18 years ago, when I discovered you. Was that like, oh, she's like someone like me, but I get it,

and she's not making it too woo-wee. It's actually you make it accessible. So, for example, through a manifesting process, we go there,, like let's say somebody, because how could we like work this and apply it? So we get all these questions that keep meeting the wrong people. What am I doing wrong? The same patterns. How would we use like if they took your manifesting challenge, which I just took, I have a lot of friends who've taken it over the years, you're known for many things, but this 21 day beginning of the year manifesting challenge. So let's say my goal, if we could like role-play, is I want to find, or somebody wants to find the right partner. They're tired of dating, they're sick of the apps,

dating's become like just awful. There's no one great in their town, they live in the worst place. But they want to manifest that partner. So like what's the difference between like writing a list and manifesting? Well, the first question when you ask yourself is, what do I believe? Okay, what do I believe about me finding someone? So if I believe, let's say, maybe I believe that there's no one great in my town, all the good ones are taken, and maybe if you go further than that,

it might be that I'm not lovable, right? I like to prescribe people with my books, like, that I'm not lovable, I'm not good enough. That person, I would say there's deeper work to be done. And that work is the personal growth and spiritual development, but really the personal growth work. I believe it's about recognizing and connecting to the younger parts of us that were taught that at such a young age. Parts of us that had parents that told us we were not good enough. The parts of us that have had experienced trauma, the parts of us that have experienced a parent or if you're a woman, your father

left your mother or alcoholic parent, and you keep reinforcing that same pattern over and over again in different bodies. So the reason that the relationships have continued to stay in the same pattern over and over again and you keep attracting the same thing or you keep locking the same thing is strictly because the beliefs that you've been carrying from your very young age. And those beliefs also have with them a lot of protection mechanisms. And those protection mechanisms, and I'm writing a book called Self-Help. My book, it's done, I completed it.

My book Self-Help is out on December 31st. And it is all about healing those core beliefs, which you could also call them young children inside, that hold and carry the burdens from our past. And all the protection mechanisms that built up around them to feel safe, even though those protection mechanisms can be oftentimes very detrimental. So those protection mechanisms are things like even just that judgment, there's nobody great in my town, that's a protector, okay? You know, being like always judgmental. There's nobody great in my town, the apps suck,

you know, this isn't working, that sort of naysayer, this isn't gonna happen. There's protection mechanisms of like, you know, I'm gonna enter a relationship and then I'm gonna bail, like lacking that desire for a true connection. The desire is always underneath it, but the fear of it is the driving force. And what are all these behavioral patterns doing?

They're protecting us from ever experiencing the impermissible experience from our childhood. So I unresolved sexual trauma from my childhood. I dissociated from it for 30 years. And when I was 36 years old, I remembered that sexual trauma in my childhood. I dissociated from it for 30 years. When I was 36 years old, I remembered that sexual trauma in a dream. And then I had a journey of undoing that since that time. I'm 44 now, so it's been eight years, eight years. Wow. And in that journey of undoing that, I'm undoing

the core beliefs that I have to override my body, that I have to override myself, that I have to make it right for everyone else, that my desire doesn't matter, that I'm not safe in my body. I actually did write a whole book about this, was Happy Days, which is the journey of trauma recovery, which I think we unite to start sending our books out together in a package. I'm so glad to have them to prescribe you. You have to prescribe them together, exactly. Because so much of our lack of sexual pleasure is because of sexual trauma. The beliefs of a trauma victim are, I have to override myself, I don't have value, sex is shameful, I have to do this, it's not up to me, very powerless.

Clearing those beliefs, the first step is to recognize them. When you say overriding it, like you overrode your body, how I'm hearing that is like you would just maybe have sex because I had to do it, but maybe you were numb or disassociating a little bit. I always liked having sex like early in the beginning of a relationship, but when I was using drugs, I got sober at 25,

but there was a long period where I would be like, using drugs and I'd be high or be drunk and I would just have sex just to get it over with. Like these days, the thought of that is so fucking sad. And to think about the physical trauma of that, just to your nervous system, that you're mentally checked out and dissociated because that's like a special skill of a trauma survivor.

And then your, but your body's having the experience that's like, I don't want this, but I'm doing it just to get it over with. And that 20-something girl that did that, it's not nothing. It's so relatable if people had any kind of trauma. It could be sexual trauma for sure. But even any kind of trauma where you didn't feel safe and shut down, it's all in your nervous system and people say reactions to sex could be that disassociating, shutting down, leaving their body when they're having sex.

The average age of remembering a dissociated trauma is 50. But a lot of women particularly remember at very big turning points in their life, like marriage or particularly around birthing. Like a lot of women remember in the birthing experience. For me, I was newly married, we were family planning. My husband just decided to leave his 10-year job at the bank to come run my business. So it was just a really big, um, shifty time.

And I was cracking into it. So you have this awakening at 36. You have this membranes. And then what's the next step? The next step after that was survival mode. When you remember a trauma, you can go back into the exiled part. I was living for several months in that exiled little girl.

So like waking up was a struggle. This is when I was writing my book, The Universe Has Your Back. And I think this is why Universe was so, it is my biggest book and has had like such an imprinted effect on so millions and millions of people. That book in particular, because I was healing myself while I was writing that. That was all I was doing at that time.

It was kind of a miracle. Like, I didn't have to go out on the road. It was like they didn't have anywhere to be as living in this mountain house. I'd wake up in the morning completely depressed, so down. It was like 98 pounds. I had extreme gastritis because I'd just come out of this remembering period of just such stress to crack open to it. And the only thing that brought me grace was sitting down to my desk to write.

And I would just sit in this tiny little white room. It was like this little perched office. I love it so much, I think about it all the time. In this mountain house, I was on a mountain with the most epic view on the planet. And I had this white floors, white walls, white desk. And I was just sitting in there and I'd sit down to my computer and I would just heal myself through the writing process.

And you were writing about what you were going to- Trusting, transforming fear into faith. So for me, that was healing. I was doing deep dive therapy. I went head first in. I was doing EMDR twice a week. I was doing somatic experiencing. I did a lot of SE work,

like really getting emotional freedom technique. I had a therapist that was working with me that does EFT and she was weekly working with me tapping. Tapping is a great one. Major, major, major. I worked with my therapist who's an IFS internal family systems trained therapist. I'd love to know more about IFS. I feel like I'm just learning about it.

Well, guess what? There's a whole book coming out. I think the nice thing about happy days for the folks, and then I'll get into IFS, it's the guided path from trauma to profound freedom and inner peace. I mean it, I say it, I've lived it. And what I tell in that book is the journey that I've underwent spiritually, therapeutically, and even personally and professionally to get to profound freedom and inner peace that continues to expand and expand every single day. And so I introduce, it's kind of like the body keeps the score, but on a, because you know how you introduce, I don't know if you know that book, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah that book. Yeah, yeah. That's the medical. He introduces all these different trauma modalities. If this is like the patient, not the therapist or psychiatrist introducing it, it's the patient introducing the different trauma recovery,

even speaking about medication and how to use medication in a spiritual way. And if you're like, oh God, I've got serious trauma. I don't know where to start. Then read that book because that will give you the guidance. It will introduce you to it. And then you'll know, you have an inner guidance system,

you have archangels, you have people guiding you, you read that book and then you'll get a hit. Wow, I really like what she was saying about EMDR. Let me go look that up. Or okay, it is safe to be on medication while I'm doing therapy. Or okay, I can go try internal family systems. I'm gonna read her next book, whatever that is.

You give it permission too. Permission and guidance, whatever that is. You give it the permission too. Permission and guidance. Guidance, because I didn't have a playbook. I just remember this shit. I had every resource under the planet. I could like, you know, Deepak Chopra on speed dial, you know? I didn't know what the steps were, and so I figured it out for myself because I don't sit in my shit. I wanted freedom. I was after it. And now that I knew why I had been so I wanted freedom. I was after it. And now that I knew why I had been so anxious, why I was a cocaine addict, why I was a codependent, why I was a workaholic, I had the answers. But now it was, how do I heal it? Do you think a lot of it goes back to that early trauma?

It always because of that exile trauma. The exiled experience. So that experience linked to your, you think that that was the one that propelled the life of addiction that... All of it, yeah. Oh wow, that's powerful. Addicts of trauma, addicts are survivors. Don't go away, Gabby and I will be right back after a quick break for our sponsors, so stick around. The signs of aging are literally everywhere. You get fine lines, stiff joints, and just the overall loss of flexibility and vitality.

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I've gone on to have the practitioner training level one and two. I'm not a therapist, but I am trained in IFS. And the thesis is this, we have these extreme experiences in our childhood. They could be big T trauma like mind sexual abuse. They could be big T trauma like mine sexual abuse They could be small T trauma being bullied or having a parent that's like constantly, you know, not available or anxious attachment style Whatever it might be it might not even look that bad, but it was bad It was harmful for you that young little part of you is called an exile and That feeling of being unlovable, inadequate, not good enough, terrified, traumatized, super activated,

we didn't have the adult figures in our life at that time to process those things. Now, if we did, the exile can really be healed. It doesn't become exiled because there was a caregiver or someone that was adult that helped us process that experience. Most of us did not have that. Even if there were well-intending people, they weren't knowing what to do or didn't

have the skills or didn't even know it was happening. And so we've had this experience. We say, no fucking way. I'm going to shut it down. This is little children, right? We don't consciously do this unconsciously. Right. They're like, I have to survive.

Immediately pick up these defense mechanisms, protection mechanisms at a very young age. So it's like, I don't feel good enough, I'm inadequate, I'm gonna people please and make everybody feel good so I don't feel like shit. Or immediately little girl's gonna be like, I can even see to my kid, like if he sees me and my husband fighting, he starts sweeping, like he'll clean.

You know what I mean? Like we do these things to just like, but why is he cleaning? Cause he wants to make us feel good, you know? Cause my husband's love language is cleaning the house, right? So like he'll start cleaning and it's really, it's just, we can see these protection mechanisms. And so, you know, we have these right away,

build up these defense mechanisms so we don't have to feel that impermissible pain that as children we can't process. And so those are called protector parts. And those protectors are the people pleasers, they're the dissociative parts, like maybe just check out, I had a big protector, I had an extreme trauma,

and I dissociated, that's a protector part. I literally went, my brain shut it out. And so dissociation became my superpower. I could check out of my body at any time, I could check out of my mind at any time. I just could just check out. We become controlling as a big one. Controlling can lead to other addictive patterns, right? So, or workaholism, alcoholism, drug addiction.

We're trying to control the suffering. And there's two kinds of protectors. There's the managers that are typically with us on a day-to-day basis, like the controller or the judge, just doing things to manage the feelings. Uh-huh, okay. So we don't have to actually. The cleaner, you know.

Right. The things that we do sort of obsessively, the things that we do just like on high alert all the time, just kind of managing our life. And then there's the firefighters. And so let's say something gets super activated, super triggering, and you can't manage it anymore, you go to the firefighter.

The firefighter is the alcoholism, the drug addiction, the dissociation, the numbing out with the TV, the porn, it's the more addictive extremist suicide. It's, I can't handle this anymore, I can't manage it anymore. So I am going to blow myself out of the water so I can just put out the fire of those weights. So much suffering.

My controller wasn't working anymore. My manager. Yeah, but a controller is a manager. Yeah, right. Oh my God, okay. And so you're living in this way where you have this internal family system of all these different parts of you that are completely at odds with one another, that there's no bad parts that Dick Schwartz says.

Because my addict part, right, she was so extreme, she brought me to my knees with cocaine addiction, she almost took my life, but at the same time, that addict part was so extreme, but at the same time, that part also wrote 10 books in 13 years. It's prolific. She gets you done. She runs a team But she's been of service to the world in a big way. So these parts are not bagged. They just get into extreme roles Mm-hmm. And so our work in my my book, but ifs work is about befriending these parts of us so that we can give self to them and self is our adult resource

Undamaged internal internal parent, all knowing, loving, calm, compassionate, connected, creative, courageous. The part of us that is the God within us, we all have got it. And when you start to access self with a capital S, that energy inside of you can start to heal the parts that are young. And so that's why my book is called Self Help. I love it. It's a relief to know that for me, it's like people pleaser, controlling, disassociating

or distracting, and then knowing that coming back to self compassion. I have to learn to soothe myself. I have to learn to do, pull up a Gabby meditation. In the book, I have my own IFS-led, IFS-informed practice. It's a process of noticing that there's a part up. Oh, I'm in my controller part or just noticing I'm agitated. Some things going on. I want to, I know I have awareness. And choosing to check in is the first step. So choosing to focus your attention inward and not be like, oh, I'm going to go fix it with a drink or I I'm gonna go, I'm gonna have to do more of the controlling.

And choose to check in. And then the second step is to become curious. So notice how it feels in your body. Notice the thoughts and the sensations and the beliefs that are attached to it. And just ask it questions. You know, what's going on? Tell me more.

How old are you? Do you have a gender? Just be as curious for as long as you want to be. Once you start to sense into a little bit of a connection and you start to notice that there's a part inside of you that's activated, you would compassionately connect by saying, what do you need right now? And then the fourth step is to notice

and check for these qualities of C qualities of self. So if you've done that process and you've done it with some intention, it's very likely that you might feel a bit more calm, or you might feel a bit more connected, or more curiosity comes up, or compassion comes through, or courage starts to come up for you. You feel like, oh, it could be a little creative right now. And as you start to check into those, you check for these C qualities. If you notice any one of those C qualities, your self is present.

And so the more you go- Compassion, curious. Compassion, curious, calm, connected, courageous, creative, curiosity, and there's one more. Confidence. That's always the one that I forget. Isn't that funny? But I am like the most confident person I know. I know, I know, I know. I don't know. I am, I am like the most confident person I know. I know, I know, I know. I don't know.

I am, I think, the most confident person I know. Genuinely, but that's self. Have you always been that confident? I've had some sense of confidence in certain areas, but now I'm confident in most areas. Always, like thoroughly. So this helps you a dozen times. Because I have more self.

I've acquired more and more and more self. Self, the key of that self. I have it, but I've developed and developed and developed and I live in the self led way. So I can trust that I have a healing resource inside. I can have some conflict and I can turn inward and I can listen and self can say, I hear you, I'm curious, let's learn more. Self can say, let's go breathe.

Self is an energy. Self is a present energy. It's not to inner knowing it is spiritual energy. We all have these things in us and childhood, but I think people are finally getting to the place where they realize you didn't have a perfect childhood. There's no such thing as a perfect childhood. So this is the kind of work that could really help people almost in, I mean, it takes time, but almost instantly to identify, I'm telling you, I'm feeling this like relief around it. I'm more you, I'm feeling this relief around it. I'm thinking.

And I remember doing some back years ago, like inner child work is what they called it then. But it didn't have such a, so many steps to it. It wasn't as nuanced. And I like the nuance. It's a practice also of getting, tuning in, being attuned. You got to do the practices often.

I hate to say do anything every day because that's always hard, I think, for many people, but even if it's just you build the muscle over time. Yeah. And you don't want to go straight to the exile part. You can't. That's where therapy comes in. You want an IFS therapist to help you with that. But on your own, it's getting to know these managers and these fire, a little bit of the fire fighters, but really working with the managers. And that's what the whole book will be but it's and whoever's listening You know, you can decide for yourself right now that there's like just like the relief that you're having like recognizing. Oh wait

Those behaviors that I don't love about myself. They're actually just trying to protect me. That's all protect. It's all defenses How do you feel when I say that your controller part that you identified? It's just trying to protect you? Yeah, it felt like I don't have to do it because I don't want to be I know that there's struggles around it when I become more Compassionate when I become more confident when I become more all the seas I realize once I do the work of grounding and being in touch and journaling and when I do my breath work It's funny. Those are the feelings that come up journaling and when I do my breath work, it's funny. Those are the feelings that come up.

Compassionate, I want to be, but also the generosity. I guess it's the same thing, compassion. I want to feel connected. I want to give. I want to feel like there's permission because it just sort of everything else melts away. Like it doesn't matter anymore when I'm truly connected to myself.

It's almost like the most important work. And that's why in the work that I do around sex for all these years, it's like, you could get all the tips and the tricks and I can tell people all the right positions and the toys and the things to do. But at the end of the day, if your body is in this kind of place where we don't have a lot of understanding

about the patterns that are serving us, it's gonna be really hard to excel. It's like the inner work has to happen. It has to. Because if you haven't, is that the have to be fully healed? Simultaneously. Like simultaneously too. It's not that you have to not go cold turkey and don't have sex.

You're right. Because, because actually some of that inner work is using your scripts and saying, here's what I need. You know, here's what I want. That is inner work. That is neural reconditioning but going hand in hand because what can happen at times is if we're like all in that like Pussy power conversation

It can override the younger part over rides the parts that are still there no matter how much pussy power you do She's really under the shame's a big one and this would really like help with the shame Don't get what do you do if you're in a relationship with someone, and your partner's like, you're into all that stuff. I'm not into it. Like, and you want your partner to join you on this journey? I like to answer this with a story. So I was at one point head first in this yoga journey for a period of time. Some of it was really about kind of getting above the suffering, you know? So it was like in this journey and it offered me a lot, but also in reflection I can see

that it was a little bit of a spiritual bypassing a bit, right? Because it's like, oh, I can feel my body again because I'm vibrating, but it's not dealing with the deeper stuff. So anyway, but I'm in this and when I was in it, I was so in it and I was like wearing the turban and I was like wearing the whites and I was like so like deep deep in it. And this is like, you know, a decade and a half into my career and you know, I'd come home and I'd be like, honey, like we have to do this create together. We're like, let's do it. And I went to my teacher who's just such a beloved person and I went to her and I said,

my husband won't do it with me. I don't want to meditate with me. And she looks at me and she grabbed me by the hand and she goes, the second you walk in the door, take off your turban and shut up. Right. And I was like, thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Because it was the best advice ever.

And I give that same advice to all the metaphoric turbans out there, you know, the people that are all into their spiritual path and they're doing all the Gabby and they're pushing it on to them or they're doing all the whatever work they're doing. No one is ever going to be able to receive the gifts of the experience you're having without grace, without freedom. The greatest experience of the gifts is to be in your presence of it. So the way to carry the message is to be the message. Which is so easy, right? The fit, well that would be another part of ourselves. The part that's always trying to change others is another distraction from ourselves, right? The thing where that would be another part of ourselves, the part that's always trying to change others, is another

distraction from ourselves, right? It's another mechanism. That would be a protector, fixer. So identifiable. This is great, Gabby. I so appreciate all this wisdom we're throwing down here. I was listening to a podcast with Hannah Burner, a comedian I've been on her podcast a few times. She's amazing. We love Hannah. She's just like so out there, talks about sex, talks about her wrinkled vulva. And you guys were having conversation about how our generation, Gabby, was much more like, we were getting hit on in really inappropriate ways. It was sort of the price of doing business. Like, when guys were like, you know, making advances or grabby, we'd

be like, okay, I know you want to sleep with me, but we're going to get this deal done. And we just kind of like brushed it off, price of doing business then. And then we see these other women now who are outspoken and they're like talking about sex. And we were just kind of like brushed it off, price of doing business then. And then we see these other women now who are outspoken and they're like talking about sex. And we were just kind of saying like, what a difference these generations are. What do you have to say about that? Well, it's so interesting. I mean, I brought this straight to Hannah and I was like, you know, I see your generation and I'm like, these are my gurus because like they're so embodied in their sexuality and they're, we've got Hannah and these beautiful women.

But then there's always this story, and this isn't directed to anyone of these specific women, but I'm always also, there was other piece of me that was super triggered by them, and I'd be like, I'm fucking, I don't have that. I don't have that ability to speak in that way, and I don't have that ballziness and that power sexually. And then it was so overwhelming to me. And then there was this other part of me that power sexually, and then it was like so overwhelming to me.

And then there was this other part of me that was like, well, is there something else underneath that too? What other stories are in that story, right? And so, you know, Hannah and I went there, and we really brought it to such a beautiful space of hearing that these young women are like, we took one for the team kind of, but they're showing us that we can take our power back and that by talking about it, we gain more power sexually.

Right, yeah. But then there's so many layers to this. Yeah, exactly. Because I was like going, yeah, that's amazing. They're talking about it. But then I look at all of us. I look at them. I look at me.

I look at all the generations is that now we're talking about it and we're talking about our bodies in ways that are very empowering. But yet I think the part that we all collectively need to work on is the embodiment part and is the part of what do I actually want? What actually feels good to my body? How do I get into my sexual energy? I'm responsible for my own orgasm and my own pleasure and I can be up on stage and say all the things But have I learned have I done the work yet of sinking into what feels good in my body? What do I want and then advocating for our own pleasure? That's right So that was the part of it where I was like the pendulum swings with every generation

We gotta come back to the center The center is really the the feminine really and like the healing and the masculine too. And I think it's taking from both, you know, it's like this, like our generation of, it was like all of the like the goddess energy, you know, and this generation's like the pussy vibes and it's coming together and bringing this conversation in a way where it's integrated. And you can say, I'm doing my therapeutic work on it. And I'm doing my spiritual work on it. And I'm opening up and I'm speaking about it. And I'm taking my power back simultaneously.

And so it's not so extreme like our generation where we're just like, just shut it down and walk away. Just like pretend like nothing ever happened and just ignore it and be performative forever. And then there's other generation that's just like, I'm the motherfucking, you know, daddy, right? Yeah, exactly. We just like, well,

I have a lot of respect for her. She's so fucking cool. Oh my God, totally. I'm like, wow. And I have a tremendous amount of respect for these women. And then, but then there's this like merger, I think, between the two and it's a conversation that hopefully we could maybe one day

you sit at the table with them and dialogue. This would be really interesting. I would love that. Yeah. To sort of see where that marriage comes, where that center point is, and maybe create it. Because what is the balance of being gentle inside and soft with yourself and really supportive of the parts of you

that may have had sexual trauma or any form of sexual aggression and then also own the power. Yeah, that's and that is the work right now. It's all come together to that point. I think we're ready. We're going to lead a movement you and me. I feel that Gaby, we are. So whenever I'm sitting with people, I'm like, oh, we should add this to my app. I feel like we should, I should put something in my app. It's like your like and I'll do this, I'll do this for your listeners. I'll make like a, um, like a get into your sexual energy meditation. Yeah. How about that? I would love that.

Yeah. Like I'll call it the sex with Emily. This is for Emily's crowd or really my friend too. It's true. It's a breathing into your pelvic floor, whatever it is, like that, could the creative all the stuff. For me, I think I would make it even about just like full blown body scanning relaxation. Okay, Josh, write that down.

He's writing it down. I love it. No, that's an important part of it. I mean, I really think, but it's been the missing part. So, but I think people are ready, but some of the language, which I, this is what I think that you've made spirituality all these years accessible, manifesting accessible.

You do it in a way that I think I have done for sex in some ways, but looking at you, like it's just, I think that all of this that you do, you're allowing people to not be turned off by the language and they got to go pray and wear the turban, but it's like everyday practices, which I think that's what you've been doing. Yeah, everyday practices, that's right. So the best places to have. Yeah, that are accessible though. You're so accessible and real, so it works. And then we could do it without sex and they won't feel bad about it on the app. Exactly. Gabby Coaching Membership App, that's the place to go. And then we've both done, I'll say it for myself and then I'll say it for

you. Okay. So, and you've were on my show, so head back over and listen to that episode because we get to hear the R2 sides of this dialogue and the journey that you went on and the expertise that you have and then marrying that with my guidance here is like the recipe for sexual success. Oh my God, that's it. I love it. You got to check out both episodes and we will put the links in the show notes. We ask five questions, quickie questions. They're quickies, right?

Don't overthink. It's like the first thing. Okay. What's your biggest turn on? A hug. Biggest turn off? A negative attitude. What is something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships?

You'll find your way to safety. What do you think everyone should know about sex? I'll talk to the women, it starts in your brain. What makes good sex? Strong bond. Find more Gabby Bernstein at gabbybernstein.com, her new app, Gabby Coaching, and her podcast, Dear Gabby. All social media is Gabby Bernstein,

and you'll find links in the show notes, including the episode I recorded with her on the Dear Gabby podcast. We shared tangible tools that will help you strengthen your sexual confidence, deepen yourself awareness, and align with your sexual power. Check all that out in the show notes. with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at SexWithEmily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize

your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to sexwithemily.com slash askemily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com.