Sex With Emily - Masturbate (All May) with Emily

Episode Date: May 7, 2024

It’s my favorite month of the year: Masturbation May! On today’s throwback show, I’m honoring the month of self-love and giving you a brief history of the celebration, the health benefits of masturbation, and my favorite toys and lubes for bringing you pleasure this May and all year long. In this episode you’ll learn:  What to do if you feel yourself relying too much on your vibrator Why masturbation can help you have orgasms during sex with your partner Signs that you’re masturbating too much Show Notes: Mutual Masturbation Guide For their buy 1 get 1 50% off deal, head to 3DayBlinds.com/SWE  SEX WITH EMILY VESPER SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.

How are you guys gonna celebrate masturbation month? It's really just about doing something different. Even if it's top of mind and you masturbate three more times this month than last month, I'm fine. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. It is the most wonderful time of the year. It is Masturbation May, so on today's show, I'm honoring a month of self-love by giving you a very brief history of the celebration, the health benefits of masturbation, and my favorite toys for bringing you pleasure all year long.

Plus, I'm answering your questions, like what to do if you feel yourself relying too much on your vibrator, why masturbation may be your key to success if you keep orgasm blocking yourself in the bedroom, whether or not you're masturbating too much, and how to get rid of religious shame surrounding masturbation. And please, please, please rate and review with Emily, wherever you listen to the show, it just really helps get the show out to more people. It takes two seconds, so please do it now. You can also find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X, and Facebook.

It's all at Sex with Emily. Check out my new articles, Eight Ways to Elevate Your Solo Sex, and Four Secret Sex Drive Killers, both up at SexWithEmily.com. Alright everybody, enjoy the show! Summer is definitely the sexiest season. I mean, think about it.

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You just rub it into your vulva a few minutes before and you'll feel it start to tingle, warming up every nerve ending. So you'll feel that much more pleasure everywhere before you even get going. So it's kind of like the short thing. So make sure this summer is the sexiest one yet. Check out promessent.com slash Emily

and get 15% off at checkout. You get free shipping, 60-day money back guarantee, discrete shipping, all the things. Promessent is your ticket to a more guaranteed good time. That's p-r-o-m-e-s-c-e-n-t dot com slash emily. Promessent dot com slash emily for your exclusive discount. Check it out. Happy Masturbation Month. It's real. It's a thing. I did not invent it. Let me just get that out of the way. I wish I did. If I could have, I would have. But here's the history of Masturbation Month where it actually started in 1994. Don't worry, this won't be too much history. We're going to get into masturbation. But I do think this is interesting. Dr. Joyce and elders was the Surgeon General of the United States. Bill Clinton had just appointed her when he was president. And she was at a United Nations conference about the AIDS epidemic. And so what they asked her was, what are your thoughts on masturbation advocacy in the

hopes of reducing the spread of HIV and other STIs. Like, how could we get people to get more excited about masturbation? So looking at 1994, she said, I think it's something that is part of human sexuality and it's part of something that perhaps should be taught. She thought, let's teach masturbation in schools. There was also the fact at the time that the United States had the highest rate of STIs of any country in the developed world and, remember this, the highest rates of teenage pregnancy in the world.

She was also an advocate of handing out condoms in schools. And it was a huge, like people were people like this surgeon general wants to start teaching Masturbation in schools and everybody freaked the fuck out and then she was asked to resign It was a huge deal. It was like watching these Senate hearings and and there was a go She wants to teach masturbation in schools She wants to show up with a bunch of dildos and start teaching it to our third graders. No, that's not what she was saying and start teaching it to our third graders. No, that's not what she was saying. But I digress.

As a result of the firing of Dr. Dreyse and elders who actually was saying something sensible about masturbation, they launched Good Vibrations, the first national masturbation month in 1995. So here we are today in 2024, 30 years later. When I look at that and I go, okay, amazing. Do you know how far we've come in a way since then? Like I think that, well, okay, if I'm honest, people don't really want us to teach masturbation in schools.

And talking about masturbation publicly is still kind of shame. But in 25 years, I believe that we know more about masturbation. Sex toy industry has completely changed. There are so many incredible toys around. Now, 25 years ago, all the toys, sex toys were made by men for women with like phthalates and the ingredients that they made the sex toys with weren't as body safe. And I do think that there's a lot more sex positive community right now who is here to help you feel good about your body and about masturbation. Let's just talk about though why because maybe you're listening and you're thinking you

know what I still have weird feelings about masturbation I still feel shame about it I still don't make time for it well let me just tell you about the benefits of masturbating real quick okay you might not even know like I'm not just saying oh have an orgasm it it feels good, but there are benefits. It helps relieve built up stress. I haven't had a stressful few days. Things have been busy, a lot of reasons. And I realized once again to myself

that I hadn't masturbated a few days, even though I'm surrounded by sex toys and you know all the things. So then I decided last night, I wasn't feeling great, had one, I'm telling you, I had an orgasm on my own. Wasn't a whole to do, didn't take a lot of time, didn't have to. I just was like, I'm going to knock this out. And I forget even myself, it allowed me to relieve stress.

I slept better and it just boosts your mood and you're feeling pleasure. We all having an orgasm and masturbating and giving one to yourself. We all deserve pleasure and It's okay to feel good in your body and it's okay to prioritize your own pleasure because you know, that's what I'm all about It also reduces at menstrual cramps and muscle tension. This is true Have you ever had a cramp and you're like, oh and you have an orgasm. You're like, oh my god, who knew? It releases sexual tension. So maybe you have a higher sex drive than your partner, the two of you could kind of play together.

Maybe you do some mutual masturbation or you encourage your partner to masturbate on their own. I know that for me, having a healthy masturbation practice and really getting into it, I was better to understand what I wanted and what I needed in a relationship. So I always initially thought when I started having sex,

about the time that Joyce and Elders was kicked out for talking about masturbation, that I would learn how to have sex through my partners. But what I realized is that when I started to play with myself, I actually figured out what felt good to me, what didn't feel good, and then I was able to show that to a partner and that was really a game changer for me. I learned how to have internal orgasms instead of just external. I didn't even know that was possible for me. It also, you know, a lot of us struggle with loving our bodies, self-esteem and body image,

but I think the more you get acquainted, you just have more respect for your body. Once you realize what it could do and you even take a mirror when you're masturbating and you take a look and you're like, wow, look at how my, and this goes for all genders, by the way, penis owners as well, we've got so much cool stuff going on between our legs. So you just take a look at it, you're like,

that's pretty amazing that my vulva, my clitoris, my vagina, they swell in reaction to touch. You could have multiple orgasms. So trust me and hear me out on this, that the more you start to like understand the inner workings of it, you'll be able to celebrate it and be like, yeah. So what if I don't feel great on my body? Maybe I don't look like everyone on Instagram

who's airbrushed by the way, but wow, I can have some killer orgasms. I look at, and when you're looking at yourself in the mirror and you're looking at your body, it's just a way to connect with yourself at a more intimate level so you're not just disconnected, hating a body that you don't realize is actually a part of you and something to love.

Those are some of the benefits and encouragement around. Now I understand for a lot of us, we also have shame around masturbation. We've also done some good episodes on it. Shame is something that's ongoing, but as long as you recognize, like if there's some thoughts in your head that are telling you that masturbation's wrong or evil,

or you don't think you deserve it, or you don't think you need to because you're with a partner. I hear that all the time, well I don't need to masturbate, I don't need to masturbate, I have a partner. No, you actually need to because it's a way of giving yourself self-love and understanding your body. But shame is a tricky beast and once you realize thoughts that you're having around it that might not serve you and might not feel relevant to where you're at in your life. There's some work to do about it.

Doing some journaling, doing some research, listening to my podcast, going to my website, reading articles about masturbation, perhaps even just hearing about the health benefits of it and practicing it, you'll start to feel a little bit less shameful and a little bit less alone about it. Toys and masturbation.

So there's this belief that we're supposed to have orgasms only through body parts. Like it has to be through a penis goes in a vagina, or it has to be through fingers or a mouth, which is all great. But somehow if you bring in, let's say technology, like a vibrator or something that feels good, like lube even, do you guys still feel weird about lube?

What we're talking about is these super sensitive nerve endings on our body, which is all our erogenous zones. The reason why they're erogenous is because they have so many nerve endings and nerve endings feel great when teased and when tickled and played with. But imagine how much better they feel with a little bit of vibration, a little bit of lube, maybe some playing with hot and cold sensations. You're missing out if you don't, if you still are feeling weird about toys. Again, that goes into the shame category or the hard on yourself category.

Like I should be able to have an orgasm in this way that majority of people don't just have orgasms that easily. They get to use a toy to enhance stimulation. It's great. So let's try to get rid of all the shame around using toys as well. External toys, ones that I really adore. I love the Jeju Meme. That's J-E-J-O-U-E. I love it because it's a great external vibrator. The Meme covers a lot of surface area, just like the palm by Dame. The internal vibes, like you could try the G-spot toy from

Jeju. Now let me tell you about this toy. If you've been intimidated by G-spot toys or you think they're too big, it is the perfect toy for those who want everything. It has this curve to access the G-spot and it also follows your body for intense clitoral orgasm. So it does both and it's small. It's like a little vibrator, but it hits all the hotspots. Remember, it helps to have a clitoral orgasm first. And then there's also like the magic wand, which is a great toy for external stimulation.

And then for penises, I'm not leaving you out. There's masturbation sleeves, which are penis toys. So essentially they provide a different sensation over your penis like a bumps and ridges and they use materials that are not your hand and When you have that grip and you can some of them are disposable But what I'm saying is mix it up try something different on your penis if you're always used your hands or being inside of something it up. Try something different on your penis. If you're always used to your hands or being inside of something, masturbation sleeves with a little bit of lube provide a little bit of friction and a little bit of sensation that you

might not have felt before. There's also penis rings or cock rings. The Mio by Jeju is one of the bestsellers. It's a super stretchy, super soft cock ring. You wear it at the base of the penis, it feels great for the base of the penis. It helps restrict blood flow if there's some ways that you want to last longer and bad and not ejaculate, but it's also has like a deep rumbly vibrator that turns the shaft of the penis essentially into a vibrator itself. You can pretty much use vibrators anywhere. It doesn't have to be the part that they're necessarily meant for with a few caveats.

Anything you put your anus has to have a flared edge because then it just gets lost up in there. And we don't want you to be like, sex sent me to the ER 911 candidate, unless you're into that. Remember, anal play doesn't necessarily mean penetration. Try out mixing up your masturbation routine. If you're only be using your hand your whole life,

then you legitimately like need to tell me what goes on this month when you try something else. We asked our Instagram followers, how are you celebrating masturbation month? And so one person said, masturbating, which right on brand. Month, I'm married, so every day is masturbation day. Not sure what that means,

if that means that you're not having sex with your partner. Someone else said practicing trying to see and understand what feels the most pleasurable. I love that. I've never masturbated. How can I start? It feels so weird to me. Well keep listening to the show. We're gonna help you. Someone else said they're gonna celebrate by taking 10 minutes every morning for myself. No questions for me. God I recommend that highly and you know what's so great about taking time for yourself in the morning is that you're not putting it off for the afternoon when you know there's gonna be 18 other things that happen, but in the morning try as you

might like not looking at your phone and just waking up and masturbating. It is the best. Masturbate, meditate, manifest before you do anything else. Life-changing. I bought some new coconut lube. I'm gonna go to town on myself. Yes, we love coconut lube, coconut oil lube. Getting a color changing light bulb in my room. Mood lighting has made an impact. I agree.

I am so anti-overhead light in my house and I'm really into the light in my bedroom. It's important. I'm 21, I've never tried it, I'm kind of scared. I get it. I get being scared. I was scared too and it took me. I'm 21, I've never tried it, I'm kind of scared. I get it. I get being scared. I was scared too and it took me until I was like 25. I think I first heard about it 24 and it wasn't until I was 25 that I was like, okay I better do this thing. The great thing about it is once you just start to touch

yourself, just be in the shower, get curious. What does it feel like when I touch myself? And you start to think about does that feel good, does it not? And then it just becomes more exploration and fear-based and goal-based like I have to have an orgasm today. If I don't have an orgasm then you know the first time something's wrong with me don't make the mistakes that I made. Just get curious about it and there's nothing to be scared about. How about more like you're excited to explore your body and see what feels good. Like 21, what a great time to start. Okay, another way to celebrate with lots of masturbation

in front of my husband too, so sexy. Yeah, we're talking mutual masturbation. A lot of you guys ask me about mutual masturbation. How do I do it? What's the best way? We do have a guide on our site and mutual masturbation is just hot. Just seeing your partner in pleasure,

you don't have to be doing anything. You're learning from them, they're learning from you. Someone else expecting their pee spot, their prostate. That's true, if you have a penis, you have a prostate in your anus. Vulva owners do not have it. It's supposed to give you a killer orgasm and pleasure, and it's good for you.

I say that's a great goal for many penis owners to go explore the prostate. Accepting that it's normal. What a great time to start this month accepting that it's normal. It is normal. It is healthy. It's gonna enhance your overall well-being. I'm with you. Masturbation twice a day? Sure, why not. Just took a video of myself masturbating after a shower and I can't wait to show my partner. That's hot. Listen, if you're with a partner that you trust and love

and all the things, no one's gonna hack your phone. I mean, it's hard to show your partner a picture of you masturbating. I'm all for that. Okay, so that's from Instagram. Thank you everybody. If you're not following us on Instagram, it's textwithemily everywhere.

And I wanna know from you, like before the show I thought, how are you guys going to celebrate masturbation month? It's really just about doing something different. Just, even if it's top of mind and you masturbate three more times this month than last month, I'm fine. And you're listening to this episode, you realize that there's probably more you could do. I'm telling you, you're never done. I, I realize there was more I could be doing. Okay. Questions, questions, questions. This is from Katie21 in Minnesota. Hey Dr. Emily, I've always had trouble getting aroused

or finishing when it's only fingers to the clitoris. What can I do to improve that it can also help with sex in my relationship? I haven't expressed to my boyfriend that, but I plan to, and I feel like I've tried everything, but only a toy to the clit helps me get there. So no shame in your clit toy game, but what I'm hearing you say is that you'd like

to explore other ways, other paths to pleasure. So just try experimenting with other kinds of touch, toys. There's a lot of places you can feel pleasure beyond the clitoris, and that would be your labia, inner labia, outer labia, your pubic mound warming you up with oral sex using a lot of lube to make sure that you're lubricated. Yeah, so if your partner warms you up with oral, like here's the thing, you're not going to become desensitized by a vibrator. It just means that like the muscle memory, your body is just used to orgasming in

that way now. But if you were able to orgasm before you used a vibrator, you're not like killing off nerve endings, you're just getting used to responding in a certain way. You're used to a certain pattern of orgasming, right? Turn the vibrator on and I have an orgasm by touching these spots. But if you just say, I'm gonna breathe for a minute, I'm not gonna bring in the toy right away, I'm going to breathe for a minute. I'm not going to bring in the toy right away. I'm going to get curious with like tapping my fingers in circles and touching and maybe pinching my clitoris or using my fingers all around the labia and the pubic mound and all that area with lube and playing and your partner. You'll probably find that there's other ways you can orgasm, which is

that your again your body has this muscle memory. It's used to doing something a certain way, but it doesn't mean you can orgasm, which is that you're again your body has this muscle memory it's used to doing something a certain way but it doesn't mean you can't sort of unwind it and learn new things and also you're only 21. So 21 does not mean that anything is set here. This is the time to explore. I'm glad you're having orgasms. Let's keep looking for other ways to do it. Okay Katie in Minnesota, let's do that. All right, this is from Nina25 in Australia. Hey, Dr. Emily, I have a great sex life with my boyfriend of four years.

Despite a low libido at times, which I feel is down to lack of consistent exercise and feeling good in my body, I've not had many orgasms in my sexual career and I'm not one to explore masturbation for myself either. In saying this, my boyfriend is wonderful at stimulating my clitoris during foreplay and also during intercourse. When I feel like I'm climaxing and I'm feeling that crescendo it feels amazing and I find myself reaching laughter and giggling

rather than the climax of orgasm. We're both comfortable with this in the moment and we laugh together, have fun and a great time. I do feel embarrassed, inwardly anxious that I'm unable to reach a sexual orgasm. I'm not sure what happens with the body and I'm unsure how to overcome this. I discovered your podcast recently as a lady gang listener and think you do wonderful service for women and men too. I'm excited to become a regular listener.

I'm excited too, Nina. Welcome to the show. Okay, so I would say this is such a great masturbation month question because this past shame or told that orgasms weren't right and maybe your face wants to do something weird and you're like, I'm about to orgasm, but I still have to be cute.

And I'm gonna have a nervous laugh. And so you're kind of O blocking yourself, like orgasm blocking yourself. So this is a great time for you to masturbate. You're saying that you're kind of O blocking yourself, like orgasm blocking yourself. So this is a great time for you to masturbate. You're saying that you're not one to explore masturbation for yourself. I'm telling you, that is how we're all going to learn how to have orgasms. We're going to learn what feels good in our bodies. We're going to learn how to please ourselves so we can share it with a partner.

It helps with pain. It helps with menstrual, all the things I covered earlier in the show. So I just say bite the bullet, buy a bullet vibrator and get into your body because it sounds like you're getting there and you know that it feels good when he touches your clitoris but you're just stopping yourself because you feel embarrassed and you feel anxious. If you're on your own and no one's looking and you don't think your boyfriend's staring at you, then you'll you'll know what it feels like to have an orgasm. Do it a few times, sounds like

you're almost there, and then you won't do the laughing thing. That's just like a holdover to feeling like maybe you feel like you want to feel cute or you're embarrassed. You actually are embarrassed so you laugh. So when you're alone with yourself, maybe you won't do it. See, I can't think of a better reason to start masturbating this month, okay Nina? Let me know how it goes, okay? Please, I'm here. We're all invested now in your masturbation pleasure.

I'm gonna take a break, but after this quick word from our sponsors, we're gonna find out how you're celebrating masturbation month. When I started sex with Emily, an online store was like the furthest thing from my mind. Well, now I'm selling all my personal favorite sexual wellness products and it's so easy. All thanks to Shopify. Shopify is a global commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business, whether you're promoting penis bumps or selling sex toys like me.

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For a free no charge, no obligation consultation, head to 3dayblinds.com slash SWE. That's buy one, get one 50% off when you head to 3dayblinds.com slash SWE. That's the number three, dayblinds.com slash SWE. I think I have to take this next call because Kevin from Pennsylvania has a question about sex dolls. I mean, I love your show. I listen to you all the time. Thank you. I have a girlfriend. We've been together like four years and she also lives like an hour away. Okay. You know, we only see each other a couple times a month We do have sex when we're together But she very rarely will masturbate on her own and I will you know, I never had a problem with that and

I've always wanted a sex doll like one of the real good expensive like sexy ones that are like beautiful and stunning and all. And this past year, I've been thinking about it more and more. And I know there's a lot of scams out there. And I have been researching a lot about some United States companies that actually sell nice ones. But I just wonder like, what is your thought?

I know my girlfriend would she would be jealous of that. Of a sex doll. To say like oh you know like you know you're gonna have sex with that and you don't want to you know drive here now or like to see me after work or something like that. It might be an issue but like what is your opinion on something like that? On sex dolls, I, it's such a good question because I have not been asked this question before about like what brand and what I think, but that's what I think about them.

And I think the sex dolls are here and they're happening. I mean, I. You can get one for like 2000, the ones I researched. Oh look, the price is already going down. You can get a decent one for like two grand, which is not bad. A decent sex doll, but don't you want one that's like, okay, I actually feel the same way

that I feel about vibrators. I really don't think that it's going to replace your partner. I mean, maybe eventually, maybe 10 years from now, 20 years from now, 30, I don't know. I like human touch and human contact. But tell me this, what is your goal? I would like to dress it up. My girlfriend, she's older, we're both in our mid to late 40s and we're not Barbie anymore and that kind of thing. So she's very conservative,

she doesn't like to dress sexy, she doesn, like to do all that kind of stuff. And, you know, even though, you know, I would try to, you know, you know, why don't you wear a shorter skirt? Why don't you wear a better skirt? Like, I love you when you wear a short skirt. You know, like you look so sexy and you have nice legs, but she just, you know, very rarely will dress the part and I mean I wouldn't mind like it's not only for the sex of the doll but you know dressing it

off maybe seeing it in a short skirt seeing it like with you know different outfits you know what's the difference if you have like a sleeve or your hands or honestly nothing I listen you're right you're right I mean I have enough a sleeve or your hand or... Honestly, nothing. One of the other toys. Listen, you're right. You're right. I mean, I have enough sex toys that I could build like 10 dolls out of them. So I understand, like I have zero judgment around it.

I'm just trying to understand the... The only thing I can think of is that you said your girlfriend might be upset by it and might not understand it, which I could understand. And she knew, right. Like in a couple of minutes, I dropped that in some, and she found it. Right.

Well, yeah, I would have to hide it, obviously, you know, if when she would visit, it's not like I would use it all the time, but you know, I was just like curious how, how common it is, how perverted it is. I think it's getting more and more common. Is it crazy, is it normal? I think that it's not crazy.

I think that, no, you know me, I'd never use the word crazy. I think that, no, you know me, I never use the word crazy. I think everyone can do what they'd like to do with consent and in a healthy way. So I, no, I actually have no, I mean, honestly, this is the first call, and we might've gotten some emails about it, but I don't think I've gotten a call about it.

So I actually don't. Two years ago, I was on a talk show and they had like the first doll, I can't remember her name, the one that everyone sees everywhere. She looks so realistic. I thought it was like a woman, but it was like this hot sex doll.

I mean, I don't have any concerns for you doing it. I'm not gonna tell you not to get, I think if that's something that you think would turn you on and to play with, I mean, we have so many toys that are available for women. And men, yeah, you guys have the masturbation sleeve or a cock ring, but I just- you on and to play with. I mean we have so many toys that are available for women and men yeah you guys have the masturbation sleeve or a cock ring but I just... Yeah there's not a whole lot of toys. I mean...

There's not. Right. But she rarely uses toys on her own at home. She's like well I have you. I do it with a toy. I'd rather wait like two weeks and you know see you on you know next Saturday or something. Right. Instead of taking care of herself. Oh which I wish sometime like she would have phone sex or like do that kind of thing since we live far and we work hard hours and it would be fun and interesting I would be honest with her that you want to get

I mean I don't know how you'd hide it she came over like I can't hide a sex stuff I mean like I did bring it up once in SuperSlay, but that's crazy, you know. Everyone thinks everything is crazy that's a little bit outside their box. And the sex, you know, people think sex toys are crazy, right? People think everything is crazy because it's sex. And if you, they're just thinking sex is already so taboo for people and then you're like going to get a sex doll. This is better than going out and like cheating or going on like Tinder. I mean, I feel like this would be a better option. Like at least I'm not like cheating on you,

but in her eyes she might be like, but what do you want to sleep with that thing for? Like what, my body's not good enough for her. But she, I mean, honestly, I think that you just got to reinforce, you know, the same thing I tell everyone when you're talking, you're talking about toys, this isn't a replacement for you. It's, you know, it's thing I tell everyone when you're talking to your partner about toys, this isn't a replacement for you. It's you know, it's something that I'm doing for myself to, you know, turn myself on to

have variety during these times when we're away from each other. I think that most couples, and this is what I found who call me and say, you know, my partner has a problem with me using toys and all the things is that, but once they actually try it together, they're like, oh God, what was my problem? Why haven't we been using toys all along? It's sort of like the fear around toys. The fear around toys is worse than once people try it, they're like, oh, no big deal. So it's just gonna have to be an honest conversation.

I think that toys are still in that, the sex dolls. And so I keep saying sex dolls are still in that realm, maybe where sex toys were 10, 15 years ago. That is sex dolls, like people like, oh, they think the worst kid's gonna take over, you're gonna break up with me, you're just gonna bring the sex doll home for Christmas. I don't think it's still very new. And I think that most people are like,

oh God, no, I wouldn't want to use a sex doll. But we've said that about a lot of things that are now commonplace, you know? I still think you should do what you wanna do, but I think also, again, most people say no to things that are now commonplace, you know. I still think you should do what you want to do, but I think also again most people say no to things that are foreign to them. So I think you can kind of give her more information about it. Maybe she could read some of these articles. You could, you know, make sure there's Reddit forums that people have used them together. But it says here, you know, the traditional stereotype of loners choosing sex dolls

as a last resort is totally inaccurate. They're seeing now that doll use is going mainstream with men and women both enthusiastic about bringing a doll into the bedroom. You know, you guys could have a threesome with the doll. Now you're talking. I like the way you think. Really? I mean, she's into toys. You never know what could happen.

So I would have another conversation with her and just say, listen, I'm really thinking of doing it, but I get that it's a little bit more lifelike and can be more threatening than my handheld vibrator or like my vibrator necklace. So there's just a little bit more information, I think that we need it to understand that it's not just, we have these worst case scenario,

like everyone's gonna end up with robots and there's gonna be no more human interaction, human touch, which, hey, could happen, I hope it's not in my lifetime, Like everyone's gonna end up with robots and there's gonna be no more human interaction human touch, which you know Hey could it could happen? I hope it's not in my lifetime But yeah, I'm not gonna tell you to keep thinking about it I will I think if you want to get it and you've thought long and hard about it But I would also pass it by her and let me know what happens send me a picture if you get one I'll get back to you in the future. So thanks, I'll call you in.

Okay, awesome. Of course. I love your show and keep up the good work. Thank you. I will. Bye. Thanks for calling. I just saw this email come in.

I grew up very Catholic. This is from Sarah. And now I'm in my late teens and I'm not religious anymore, but I still feel guilt when it comes to sexual experiences, even kissing. I know. It's embarrassing. Is there any advice you have to help me get over it? I talk about it a little with my friends, but they don't grow up the same way.

It's hard for them to give advice. Thanks, Sarah." Late teens, grew up very religious, very Catholic, and now she's kissing people and she feels guilt. Why would we grow up in a place where it was, no, you can't have sex, you got to feel bad, you got to feel guilty, don't have sex, and then you go and have sex, and then you feel bad about it because no one said to you it's okay.

So my first thing would be to let go of the shame and guilt is to first educate yourself and realize that being sexually healthy is part of being, is your overall health and wellness, that if we are not sexually healthy, that we have negative conditioning around sex, we're not going to be able to show up in a healthy way in our relationships. So that's the first part is education.

And realize that you have a choice to say that what I grew up with, the messages I grew up with no longer serve me. What are the messages in your head that keep repeating? If you like them, like if the message is saying, you're awesome, you're great, you're doing a great job, you are worthy, you are enough, keep those messages. But if the messages are saying, you're awesome, you're great, you're doing a great job, you are worthy, you are enough, keep those messages. But if the messages are like, sex is wrong, I'm a bad girl, this is the, you know, then

you get to look at them and go, oh, it's not true. And then do your research and find out how important it is to actually be sexually healthy, that a lot of the guilt messages that you got aren't true. And then practicing through exploring, I think once you learn to pleasure your body and give yourself orgasms, then you'll start to get that feedback loop of pleasure and you'll start to see like, oh, I, that feels really, really good. Now I understand my body. And then you'll be able to explain that to a partner. I think therapy helps because maybe you are still hearing that message in other areas as well. It's

almost like we were brainwashed. I mean, I hate to use that word around religion, but I'm going to do it. Especially if you decide that you no longer want to be religious, but you kept getting the same message. I mean, we've got Colin here, raised Mormon. How did you get out of it, Colin? How did you get out of your conditioning around sex, being raised Mormon? Practice. Practice, right? Yeah, just practice feeling OK and taking a breath and saying, OK, no, no, no.

Wait, I just want to do this. And reminding myself, oh, yeah, I want to do this. And it's OK to do this. Wow, just in the act, like when you were having sex because you would feel bad about it. Yeah. Guilt. I mean, the worst thing is, because when you're having sex,

you're just thinking about having sex. The worst part would be just right after. I would just be totally, totally brought down by the guilt. And so it was really practicing in those moments. Wow. What would you do? Did you have a mantra or did you have words that you would say to yourself?

Yeah. I mean, I would just check in with my body and just try to remind myself, like, no, that was a great experience. And kind of like when you talk about mindfulness, about going around the room and naming things, it was kind of like that of, okay, what was the experience I just had? Oh, it was actually just really great. And there wasn't anything bad that happened in the room. Great. And just reminding myself of those simple facts. Yeah. Really, that's being present and noticing the room. Like I'm in the bed, I'm smelling

this, I'm tasting it. Yeah, all the senses. Wow, Colin, look at you now. We're down on sex show. See? On sex show. From shame. So Sarah, you can get there as well. I would also try to find, I know that you said that your friends, they didn't grow up in the same way as you. Probably it's hard for them to give you advice. You're right. Because just to say, get over it, doesn't help you get rid of the shame and guilt. And I would say that finding other like-minded people who could, and also therapy was helpful to you too, right Colin? Oh yeah. So helpful. So yeah, that's it. And we got a lot more episodes on it. And I would say also getting to know your body, like I said, masturbation is just the key to so many, releasing so much shame.

So that's part of it. I would journal about it and I would have some mantras near you or some affirmations or intentions that make you feel good about your body and that make you feel good about your decisions you're making. So that's what I recommend. This is from Amanda and she says, Dr. Emily, I absolutely love your podcast. I've learned so much. Thank you for everything you do. I have a question for you that goes with one of your Instagram posts. I hundred percent agree with you that masturbation is healthy. My husband and I both do it. I just have one problem. I feel like my husband would rather masturbate than have sex with me. I've tried to initiate sex and he's turned me down, but then he goes and masturbates. We don't have sex a lot. Sometimes we go two, even three weeks without sex, but once a week if I'm lucky. It bugs me and I let him know that, but still I feel like he goes that long because of masturbation or maybe my sex drive is higher. When we have sex, it's always good.

We've been together and intimate for seven years. We know each other likes, but I guess my question is, how could I make together sex happen more than solo? Thanks in advance. All right, Amanda, have you talked to your husband about this outside the bedroom? Have you talked to your husband about this? Outside the bedroom, have you had a conversation with him using my three T's of communication,

timing, tone, and turf? And have you actually said to him at a time that's not like you just saw that he masturbated and not a time when you feel like he's rejecting you sexually, but a time when you're at dinner and you're hanging out and you have to say, I think about having sex with you all the time, I love our sex life together,

is there, I realize we've never really talked about it, we've been together seven years. I'll tell you what I would love to have more frequent sex because I love the way we connect. But I know that you are a fan of masturbation and you seem to masturbate a lot, which is awesome. And I wanna know more about that. It would make me feel great if we could have sex more frequently. Like just ask him what's up is what I'm saying without the

judgment around it. Would you rather masturbate than be with me? We don't know yet. Your masturbation practice and your sex practice with a partner are very separate, so I encourage people to masturbate in a relationship, out of a relationship, all the time. So I'm actually gonna separate them for a minute, and I would just let him know that you would love to be intimate with him more frequently. You would love to have sex more often.

Does he have any ideas how you could make that happen? Is there ways that you can find out what turns him on? Are there ways that you could figure out about scheduling sex or making it more frequent? I would just really find out what is it about sex and I wouldn't bring in the masturbation thing because again, a lot of men masturbate and women masturbate just to relieve stress. It's not about like, oh, I don't want to be with my wife so now I'm just going to go masturbate. So I would just try to understand where he's at. I think two to three times a week without sex doesn't sound like it works for you and it wouldn't work for a

lot of people. So we're talking about compromise and we're talking about healthy conversations without judgment, without blaming, and with a lot of listening. Okay, this is from Christina who's a teenager and she wants to know, I'm a teenage girl and I masturbate at least four times a week and I'm wondering is there such a thing as too much? Nothing hurts, but I feel like maybe it isn't normal. I mostly read erotically at going and I've never had sex with a partner.

Am I doing it too much? No. Christina, I'm so glad you asked this. Of course, as teenagers, we often feel shame like we're doing it too much or something's wrong with it. Maybe you grew up in a home or a religion where it said that it was wrong and you would go to hell, but four times a week if it feels good to you, I think it's fine. You're doing it in your own bedroom or in a place where you feel that people can't see you masturbating

and are encouraging you to masturbate. There's nothing wrong with it. I just want to help absolve you of all of your guilt and shame. I wish I could wave a wand over the world and just make everybody feel a lot less shame and a lot more pleasure. That's the world I want to live in. You're doing fine, Christina. Promise." That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily, and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast. And share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X and Facebook all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give

really good emails, so sign up at SexWithEmily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you want to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to SexWithEmily.com slash Ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at SexWithEmily.com.