Sex With Emily - My Top Tips for 69ing & Oral Sex

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

Let’s 69! It’s one of those sex acts where you tend to be a full-on lover or hater. But no matter what camp you fall in, chances are that if you’re having sex, you’re going to come across the famous, the controversial, 69 sex position. Why not learn some pointers to make the whole thing more hot, and more comfortable?   First, I share research with you that might motivate you to put 69 on regular rotation in your sex life. Next, I give you techniques for being an excellent oral giver, and strategies like mindful masturbation, to help you become a more relaxed and erotic receiver. Finally, I talk position tips like the Sideways 69 and the Power 69 for you to play with, and take all your pressing questions on 69ing and oral sex. In this episode, you’ll learn: Game-changing 69 positions to maximize pleasure. Oral sex tips to elevate giving and receiving. How to relax and fully enjoy receiving pleasure. Show Notes: This episode is brought to you by: Just Thrive (Visit justthrivehealth.com and use code “SEXWITHEMILY” at checkout for 20% off your order) Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Yes! No! Maybe? List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides.  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website  Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube Let’s text: Sign up here Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com

Involve your hands with the blowjob itself. We all should do that. Blowjobs are not just meant to be about our mouth. Our hands are a great accessory in any oral sex experience. You don't have to fit the whole thing inside of your mouth for it to be pleasurable. Your tongue can lick, your hands can stroke, you can suck on the tip, you can lick the balls. You can move around and pay attention to what feels good You're listening to sex with Emily I'm dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex So let's 69 it's one of those sex acts where you tend to be a full-on lover or hater But no matter what camp you fall in Chances are that if you're having sex you you're going to come across the famous, the controversial 69 sex position. So why not learn

some pointers to make the whole thing more hot and more comfortable? First, I share research with you that might motivate you to put 69 on regular rotation in your sex life. Next, I give you techniques for being an excellent oral giver and strategies like mindful masturbation to help you become a more relaxed and erotic receiver. Finally, I talk position tips like the Sideways 69 and the Power 69 for you to play with and take all your pressing questions on 69ing and oral sex. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. Subscribe wherever you're listening.

That really helps us. It just helps get the show out to more people and help everyone, people just like you. And you can find me at all social media, Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, threads, X, it's all at Sex with Emily. My new articles, Five Tips for Steamy Shower Sex and Eight Ways to Feel More Sexual Sensation are up on SexDumbly.com.

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I treat my evening routine as sacred. I brush my teeth, I light a candle, connect with my body, and just use a tiny bit of V-Health serum to help moisturize and smooth and even reduce the chances of those pesky UTIs. What I love about this routine is that I'm connecting to my body. I'm literally rubbing something on my vulva and feeling connected and saying, hello, we're connected. I know I've been busy all day, but here we are. And who knows? That might just lead to something else. I know for me,

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or if you've had trouble with it in the past, not to worry, I'm gonna break it all down for you in this episode. I'm also gonna answer some of your general oral sex questions, all right? So let's get into it. So one of the studies I cite in my book, Smart Sex, it analyzed data from 884 heterosexual couples about their

general happiness, their self-reported mental health, and their sexual practices. Guess what they found? Both giving and receiving oral sex was positively correlated with feelings of happiness. In fact, people got the biggest bump in happiness from giving rather than receiving. How about that? They were satisfied. But what about giving and receiving simultaneously? Now that's what 69ing is all about, which to be honest, I was never a huge fan of 69 until I learned to modify it, which I'll get into. I always felt well, either I'm giving and I'm fully in,

or I'm receiving and I'm fully in, but jumping back and forth between giving and receiving just seemed like a hassle I did not need in the bedroom. Now the 69 position is somewhat controversial, either love it or you hate it, I found out. People who are huge fans of 69ing, like how you get pleasure from both giving and receiving oral sex,

it definitely spices up the oral sex routine because there's novelty and variety, which are two key factors in spicing things up, feeling interested in your partner more so than not. And it's often just one of those positions that's on people's sex bucket lists. So here's what the haters will say. I don't know if they're haters,

but they just prefer not to do 69. They say it's awkward physically. You can't really experience the full pleasure of either giving or receiving since you can't give your full attention to one. That's where I was at. I was like, I cannot do both of these things. Ambisexual.

But in this episode, my goal is to give you all the pointers you need to figure out whether 69 needs something to add to your sexual repertoire or maybe just try it once. And I'm all down with like if you have had a bad experience with it in the past or you have these preconceived notions about it not being right for you, why not try it again armed with knowledge.

The first aspect of 69ing is your role as the giver. Now we've done some great in-depth episodes on performing oral sex on a vulva and a penis which you should definitely check out. We've done some great in-depth episodes on performing oral sex on a vulva and a penis, which you should definitely check out. But if you have any hangups around giving, it's unsanitary, probably not a great idea to put my mouth on someone's genitals, I don't know what I'm doing, I don't feel like it, all the things. This might help you.

Genitals are just another part of someone you are intimate with. It's another way to give them pleasure and to make them feel good. Kissing their penis is kind of like kissing their arm, except for it feels 10 times better and it has less of a stigma around it. Oral sex feels the best when you start slow and build up. Now remember that. You don't want to go right for the genitals anyway because it takes a while to warm up. So remember to kiss all around their thighs,

lick the labia, kiss their testicles. Really, really take your time to explore and slow down. You can lick, you can suck, you can twirl your tongue around in circles to hit a lot of different nerve endings, especially when 69ing. Think about it this way. It's more about generally stimulating

your partner's genitals, so you don't need to dive right into your usual patterns and rhythms right away. Here I am giving oral sex and all I can do is like give oral sex in this very specific way because it's right in front of my face. You still don't have to use your mouth the whole time and in fact another one of the ways I've learned to enjoy 69 is realizing that I can use my hands, I can use my feet, I can use a toy, I could take a break, I could go back and forth between my mouth and my hands and other parts of my body.

So just know it's not just like I am doing oral sex now and this is all I have to do, okay? Remember that. Whoever said oral sex needs to be hands-free and all about the mouth, nope. Especially when 69ing, your hands will be incredible aids to you. In fact, there have been times where I'm like,

I really liked the feeling of my partner going down to me and me going down and then with my mouth right now is gonna be too much work for me because I can't really receive pleasure in that moment. So I'll just use my hand with a lot of loop. Sometimes the angle isn't right or your partner moves around so just make sure you have your hand on them. Now this is perfect.

This is not set in stone. Like this is how 69 happens and this is how penetration happens. I just wanna give you guys permission to kind of get outside your comfort zone and just see what feels right in the moment. Or maybe you just need a break. Or you want to focus on a few moments of receiving.

That's okay too. Just because you're in this mutual 69 collab doesn't mean you can't say for a moment, wow, this feels really good. I'm just going to take a moment and receive. Speaking of receiving, a lot of you tell me that you have a difficult time experiencing pleasure while receiving oral sex. I also cover this a lot in my book because I realized that's one of the big positions.

A lot of you say, you know, it's really hard for me to relax. How do I know that my partner really wants to be there? How do I taste? How do I smell? Is it taking me too long? So it's important to learn to feel comfortable just receiving, especially before you try to give and receive it in position like 69.

So maybe next time your partner is going down and you can start to kind of practice just sort of settling in, breathing, paying attention to what you're feeling. I'm like most things in the bedroom, I do think it's important to feel very confident in your solo sex practice before engaging fully in partnered sex.

It's just always a way to say, I know what my body does, I know how my body responds to pleasure. This is why I need to feel good. So it's just a great learning tool. Now listen, if receiving oral sex is less pleasurable for you, try some mindful masturbation to get over this hurdle.

Try this. While masturbating, imagine your partner going down on you. Like imagine you completely relinquishing, wholly receiving and think what does it feel like? What feels good to you? Where would you tell your partner to target and to move? Can you kind of picture that in your mind? Do you want it faster? Do you want it slower? Then imagine yourself communicating these things to a partner and just overall feeling comfortable with the idea of someone between your legs. This is a great visualization process and might just turn you on more than you thought. And by the way this is just one of my many tips for mind book

smart sex. So once you start to feel comfortable with the idea of receiving oral sex you can start moving that into your real relationship. And remember this, the goal is not necessarily to have an orgasm. I find when we take the goal away from orgasm and the goal is just receiving and feeling safe with your partner and just feeling pleasure, that should be the goal. It should be like a pleasure-filled experience that I want to feel with a partner. So just get curious and familiarize yourself with what needs to happen for you to experience pleasure. What blocks do you need to move out of the way? What emotional blocks do you need to remove out of the way? What do you need to know from your partner to feel safe? What experiences have to be

lined up in your environment for you to feel safe? Think about all those things. And once you're really comfortable giving and receiving, I believe you can fully experience the pleasure of 69ing. All right, now let's get into the actual And once you're really comfortable giving and receiving, I believe you can fully experience the pleasure of 69ing. Alright, now let's get into the actual position. The 69 position is usually depicted as one person on top of the other, essentially holding a plank. Like you are literally planking above your partner because you're supposed to be on

top and they're on the bottom. Uh, that's a tough one. So if you reframe 69ing as a position with mutual pleasure, there's a lot of different ways to go about it. And one of my favorites, which is gonna be a game changer for you if you were holding the old plank is the sideways 69. So instead of one person giving, receiving

and simultaneously getting a core workout, which hey, each their own, you can comfortably lay on your sides. And this can also help if there's a height difference between the two of you. So you're laying back, you're comfortable on your side, you don't have to worry about holding yourself up. You can also take turns giving and receiving. Taking turns while in the 69 position or the sideways 69 is also a great way to practice edging. That's when you're teasing your partner by taking them right up to the edge of orgasm then deny them from orgasm and demand some

pleasure your way instead. So it's a great way to get your partner up to heightened arousal then bring it back down again and you bring it back up to arousal and then finally when they've again, and you bring it back up to arousal. And then finally, when they have an orgasm, it's that much more intense and exciting. And if you're into playing with power dynamics, edging can be incredibly hot way to go. Okay, speaking of power play, there's also the power 69 in which the partner on top

is in control of how much their partner's face is in their genitals. Kind of similar to face sitting or face kneeling. And if you forget what face sitting is, this is essentially when you are you know your partner's laying down on the back and you kind of get up and sit on their face. But I like to think of it as a face kneeling. You don't have to be holding yourself up like in a squat. You can put your knees down on either side of their face and then you could like use the headboard to sort of balance yourself so you can really place

your genitals on their face in the way that feels the best for you and without suffocating them so it feels good for them too. You could also try having one person lie down with their head off the bed while the other person's leaning over to give oral sex while the genitals are in their partner's face. This can be really really hot too. Think about that. Your partner's lying with their head off the bed and then you're leaning over and putting it in the face. Can you picture that? It's hot. As always, I love bringing a vibrator into the mix. You know hands, incredible tools for oral sex of all kinds including 69, obviously your mouth, but vibrators can take the experience to the next level.

Because listen, let's face it, the angles aren't exactly perfect for your mouth to line up exactly with your partner's pleasure points. Vibrators can make giving much easier and receiving even more pleasurable and less work for you too if you're just using grade five and as always don't forget to use lube I love playground lube I love the way it tastes I love a little flip bottle I know you guys are all loving it too hopefully now you feel equipped to practice some 69 well well, today. How fun.

First off, how fun is this bringing out your partner and be like, guess what, 69? I don't know about any partner that's gonna be like, well, that just sounds really troublesome. I'd much rather go to a movie. No, do 69ing. You know what else is fun? Listen to this episode together.

I can't tell you how many couples have let me know the benefits of listening to Sex with Emily together. So you both are getting the information at the same time. You can stop and talk about what you've heard, add things to your bucket list, add things to your pleasure list. So I appreciate you all for listening and sharing the episode with someone you think could really benefit from it. And let me know how it goes. I'd love to hear your stories. Hold your positions because after we take a quick break, I'm answering listener questions about all things oral sex.

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If you're 18 or older, have a vulva, and live in the US or Canada, visit magicwandstudy.com to sign up before January 5th. That's magicwandstudy.com. Let's make history, one orgasm at a time. All right, this is from Ron57 in Maryland. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love your show and I've been listening to it on various mediums for years, but this is my first time writing in.

I'm 57 years old in a relationship with a much younger 36-year-old woman. We have a great sex life except for oral. She's never experienced it before and now I go down on her all the time and we both love it. But you guessed it, it's not reciprocated. She says that I have pre-cum that is uncomfortable in her mouth. Well, I'm not counting our ratio of giving and receiving is 100 to 1 in her favor and I'm trying not to let that affect me. I love her and love being with her.

So I'm trying to figure out how to have not necessarily equitable amounts of oral, just a little bit more. Thanks in advance. Thank you so much for your email, Ron. First, I get it. You want some oral and you should have some oral. And this whole pre-cum thing and whatever reason she's not doing it Let me help first things first have a conversation with her outside the bedroom about your sex life in general How it's going what she likes about it what you like about it what you both want

What your dreams are what you want to work on and then you can say hey I know that going down on me or giving me a blow job, it hasn't been your thing, but tell me more about it. Tell me more about the pre-com. Is it the taste? Does the penis just seem icky to you? And listen, this is not where you judge

and try to solve it. You're going, I'm just really curious. I just want to understand where you're coming from. Okay? And then you have more information and then you can kind of troubleshoot from there and see what she says. Maybe she had a bad experience with it. Maybe, you know, pre-com means something else to her. Like, let's just

find out more. Do you have to let her know that any of her feelings are totally okay and valid? Remember, all of our feelings are okay and valid. That's our feelings. If it's her first experience with the oral, it might be natural that she has some hesitation around it. Sounds like she doesn't have a lot of experience receiving, but maybe also not giving. Maybe she's built this up into something that she doesn't know how to do and she doesn't want to disappoint you. Remember that a lot of times our hesitation has to do with

we don't want to seem like a failure. She doesn't want to seem like a bad lover to you. So you could even find out she might say like, I don't really know what I'm doing, or I don't think that you like it. And then you could say to her, well, I'd be happy to show you what I do like. Now, another thing for the pre-cum,

if that is the situation, try flavored lube. Have you ever used it together? Well, that might help with the uncomfortable pre-cum situation. I love having flavored lube around, it just tastes delicious. And it's a fun way to play. Finally, maybe there's an in-between step where she kisses your inner thighs while

giving you a hand job at the same time. Would this be something she'd be open to just to get comfortable with stimulating you and finding what feels good? Maybe she just kisses the tip but doesn't go all the way into her mouth. Remember for a lot of us we have to ease into this experience. You know, I don't know that she's going to be able to go to zero to blowjob if she hasn't done it in a while, but getting to know your penis, getting to understand what feels good, using her hands in a way where you can show what kind of pressure and movement you like, and then eventually maybe she really adds her mouth in, could be a way to escalate this whole giving and receiving aural. You know, ultimately sounds like she's just got to get

more comfortable with it. I sense some resentment you might have here on the imbalance, which I get it. So you can communicate first and present her these ideas in the spirit of I accept that you're still getting used to it, I'm just getting curious, and here's what feels good to me and here's what I like about pleasing you and it's a casual conversation where we're gathering

information. Okay? Let me know how it goes. This is from Jen, 30 in Ontario, Canada. Hey Dr. Emily, I recently found your podcast on Spotify and I've been listening non-stop since. I just turned 30 years old and left my husband about five months ago. We were together for 15 years, married for eight. I was only 15 when we got together and never dated anyone else. Our sex life sucked. He never made the effort to please me. He only gave me oral sex once in the time we were together and told me he thought it was gross, He only gave me oral sex once in the time we were together and told me he thought it was gross, which completely traumatized me and my self-confidence. I never orgasmed with him,

and I truly don't think I'll ever be able to orgasm with anyone. Now I wanna start exploring other people, men and women, but I'm absolutely terrified. What if someone wants to go down on me? How could I become more comfortable with oral sex?" First of all, congratulations! It sounds like you got out of an unhealthy situation that wasn't working for you and now you are liberated and you are free. So

well done. I know that's not easy, especially after 15 years with one person and now you're starting off on a new journey. well, I'm so glad you emailed and you definitely came to the right place. So the first thing I would say is you really definitely want to masturbate. Get to know yourself right now without a person in your life. What turns you on? Get comfortable with your sexual energy again and you producing your sexual energy, you getting your energy out there, not a partner.

You can get toys that simulate the sensations of oral sex. And this might help you just so you know what the feeling is like and start training your brain to like these sensations. Remember, we have to train our brain to think differently about things that we might've protested in the past. Next, when you're experimenting with people, it's okay to be real with them. Let them know that you're comfortable with XYZ, but you're still getting used to receiving oral.

I think that the most responsive, in touch with themselves lovers would say, okay, great, I am up for the challenge. I want to make you feel really good receiving oral. Any sexual partner worth your time is not going to pressure you before you're ready. Just remember that. If you're feeling pressured to have sex, you are allowed to slow it down and take your time. The thing about a fear of oral is it doesn't just appear out of nowhere.

You had a really negative experience with it. From someone who just didn't care enough about your pleasure, didn't realize that it was going to impact you, probably didn't know how to please you to be honest. You guys were together for 15 years. Just remember that, that a lot of times when we don't know what we're doing sexually, we might lash out and just say, it's not our thing, or we don't want to do it because it was too vulnerable to really sit with you and learn how to please you, but nonetheless, you had a negative experience with it.

And so that's what we're trying to rewire in your brain and sort of rewire your entire energy and experience towards receiving Aural. But when you're with someone who's into it, Aural will feel much more organic and much more pleasurable. Especially when you've already done some foreplay and your body is legitimately aroused, you just might feel differently and more enthusiastic about receiving. Especially after you started doing these visualization exercises and picturing yourself receiving

and playing with yourself and masturbating, like this is gonna get easier. Especially if you find someone that you trust, you've already had a conversation with them about how you like to be pleased, so then they know to go slow. You're gonna feel a lot more safer and able to relax which is what we want. Remember we feel more relaxed during sex and we're able to let go. We have more pleasurable sex. This is what

our studies show us. So thank you Jen for your email. I appreciate you and keep us posted. This is from Sydney 23 in Pittsburgh. Hey Dr. Emily, thanks for all you do. I'm a faithful listener of the show and I love learning and hearing all about sex. I'm in a happy committed relationship with a man who is seven years older than me. Everything has been going well and I love him so much.

We were always trying to keep our sex life new and fun, especially because we're in a one to two hour long distance relationship. I recently discovered a kink, a fetish, I don't know what it is, and wanted to hear your thoughts. We've been 69ing a lot lately and I'm loving it. One time, because he was going down to me and I was enjoying it, his penis was around my face but not in my mouth. As we were shifting and continuing, his penis ventured around my ear. Now I know the ear is sensitive and an erogenous zone, but I immediately felt the urge to take his penis and put it in my ear. Not actually in the hole, but around it. He quickly noticed and realized I was turned on. So

he began to move back and forth a little. It was so stimulating and I orgasm right on the spot. Over the past few weeks, we've continued 69ing and I keep putting his penis in my ear. It is seriously amazing for me. Please help, is this weird? I mentioned a few times in conversation, but I'm unsure if he really thinks it's weird or not. It's kind of embarrassing, but just the feeling of his penis in my ear is unmatched.

He does it on his own or lets me do it, so he can't think it's that bad, right? Thank you so much. Any advice would be so appreciated. First, I love this so much. How great that you're finding pleasure in your ear and clearly your partner's down with it. Listen, I found that when we are really into something and it feels good, most loving, caring partners who understand what it means to be a great lover are psyched to know what turns you on and not judging you.

And second, you're right. Dolly Josette, the pleasure muse was on the show once and talked about the erectile tissue inside the ear. And I know this for sure, there is erectile tissues all over our body and definitely in the ear. This is why it feels good when people whisper sweet nothings or they blow in our ear or they lick around the ear canal. It feels good to many of us and I actually think it's

a really underrated erogenous zone. So good on you. It isn't erogenous zone. You are right. And in fact a 2016 study showed that people could achieve orgasm through the stimulation of extra genital rodent zones. And in fact, that is often the case for individuals with spinal cord injuries, which affected their genitals. So essentially they find other places on their body, other rodent zones that get stimulated and there's nerve endings and it can feel amazing. And in that study, the powerful Roger zones were shown to be the breasts, lips, neck, ears, and butt. So you're not weird. You're completely normal. In fact, you're more than normal. You're wonderful. You're wonderful for having felt safe enough with your partner to try this and discover a whole

new zone of pleasure. Well done. And I can only imagine everyone listening is going to have some fun tonight, seeing how their ears respond to pleasure. Thank you, Sydney. I so appreciate your email. This is from Shonda, 38 in Alabama. Hi, Dr. Emily. I've been a listener for a while now

and appreciate all the knowledge you've shared. I've learned so much, even in the short time I've been listening. I poked around on the Ask Emily section of your site because I thought for sure someone had asked something like this before and maybe they have. I've recently started seeing an old flame from high school. Things are of course exciting and the sexual tension is palatable but I've recently found out how much he has grown since we were together back then. I'm not too

worried about the penetration part of being with him now, although I am intimidated, so any tips would be welcome. I'm most worried about attempting to give him oral. I don't think I can physically take him in my mouth without hurting him with my teeth. It's really messing with me because I wanna be able to please him in that way. I've always taken some pride in giving some great oral.

I guess I'm just kind of scared since I won't be able to do all the things I would normally do. Any tips or tricks you could share be greatly appreciated. Congratulations on reconnecting with someone you've got chemistry with. I love that. So first remember this. This is for you and for everybody. Involve your hands with the blowjob itself. We all should do that. Blowjobs are not just meant to be about our mouth. Our hands are a great

accessory in any oral sex experience. You don't have to fit the whole thing inside of your mouth for it to be pleasurable. Your tongue can lick, your hands can stroke, you can suck on the tip, you can lick the balls, you can move around and pay attention to what feels good. Think of your hands as an extension of your mouth, right? So you can use your mouth at the tip and your hands are applying more pressure and then you're gonna find out

where does he actually feel good being stimulated. You can also pleasure as testicles while you're giving him a hand job, which can also feel great, holding the testicles, holding them, you know, softly, gently playing with them, see what feels good to him, you know, ask first before you grab the genitals or just do it really lightly and say, do you like that? Because not everybody likes

their balls played with. And if you want to create some suction without using your mouth, you can also try a manual stroker toy. Stroker toys can be a really fun way to play with a penis. They have these pressure pads on the sides so you can squeeze to create an internal vacuum. They're like silicone sleeves that go over a penis and some of them do have some suction elements. So, you know, you could just kind of use this to feel and that can feel really, really good.

It's just another sensation on the penis. Again, you could switch it up, use a suction sleeve, use your mouth, use your hands, just mix it up and keep going. These are all really fun ways to play. Finally, I say give it a shot. Be honest with him that you're concerned about hurting with your teeth.

Valid, wouldn't you wanna know that? I wanna know that. But you wanna try anyway and have him be honest with you. The worst that happens is that you'll reach into your bag of tricks, i.e. all these ideas above, for more lovely sexual pleasure, right? You have other ways to please and you've learned some things. My last tip, use lube.

This will help everything slip and slide more, lessening the chance that your teeth will sag on sensitive genital skin. All right, you got this. You're so careful. I love this. And just pay attention, go slow and have some fun. All right, everybody.

If you've been wanting to spice up oral, play with some 69 or take any of these tips so you can experience some giving, receiving and some real intimacy with a partner. It's a good time. Let me know how it goes. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily

and be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex With Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex.-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or just go to SexWithEmily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at

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