Sex With Emily - Pleasure Mapping & Full-Body Orgasms w/ Dolly Josette

Episode Date: April 5, 2024

Today I revisit my conversation with Dolly Josette, the PleasureMuse who turned the world of breathwork into the ultimate erotic adventure! Imagine unlocking a treasure chest of sensations and full-body orgasms you never knew you had with the work of meditation.. Dolly isn't just any guide on this journey; she's the Gandalf of sexual enlightenment, hailed by the high councils of Cosmopolitan and Hustler Magazines as a pioneering Sexological Bodyworker. But what truly sets her apart isn't the accolades; it's her magical ability to awaken the dormant erotic energy within women and couples, guiding them from numbness to dizzying heights of orgasmic bliss. So, if the idea of exploring the vast, uncharted territories of pleasure sounds good to you, Dolly Josette is ready to lead the way! In this episode you’ll learn:  How to hack your nervous system for better sex Why so many vulva owners are trained to numb from the waist down (and how to fix it!) How to become a great masturbator Show Notes: Get your tickets HERE for Sex with Emily LIVE! Association of Certified Sexological Bodyworkers SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure VIIA Hemp Co’s High Love Libido Gummies (code EMILY420 for 40% sitewide + Free Gummies Sample) Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.

If you don't want to touch yourself, how can you expect your body to be welcoming the touch of another? You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Everyone's talking about breath work these days, but for pleasure muse, Dolly Josette, breath opens an entire world of erotic sensation and it's a world you, yes you, already possess. So if full body orgasms sound like fun, you'll love this conversation because guess what? Dolly shows us how to visit that pleasure-filled world all on our own.

Dolly's been recognized as one of the most innovative sexological body workers by Cosmopolitan and Hustler magazines. But more importantly, she helps women and couples navigate their sexual evolution, wake up from numbness, and live more orgasmic lives. On this episode, we cover a ton of ground, including how to hack your nervous system for better sex, how to become a great masturbator, what exactly is somatic sex therapy, and why so many people, especially vulva owners, are trained to numb from the waist down. Spoiler alert, her clients definitely aren't numb anymore. If you're ready to prioritize intimacy and give your relationship a boost, you've got to check out the Relationship Reboot Retreat by Dolly Josette. It's a curated private retreat for couples in the heart of downtown Nashville. You'll revitalize your sexual relationship and learn lifelong pleasure skills. And as a couple, you'll address emotional and sexual blocks, learn the art of somatic, sensual touch and

embodiment, and lead feeling renewed and more deeply connected and in love. So visit pleasuremuse.com today and book your very own relationship reboot retreat. And please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It really helps us get the show out to more people and we read all of your reviews. My new article, How to Increase Your Chance of Orgasm During Sex is up on SexWithEmily.com. If you want to ask me a question, just call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX or 559-825-5739. You can also leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode.

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Check it out. As a sex and relationship expert and sexological body worker, Dolly Josette helps women and couples navigate their sexual evolution, enhance satisfaction, and expand their pleasure potential. Dolly is known as a vulva whisperer, vulva queen, and even a vulva therapist with her signature online course, Touch Feel Connect, guiding women on their own vulva vaginal mapping journey. Dolly holds a master's degree in education and certifications from the Institute of Stomatic Sexology among countless others. Find Dolly on Instagram at Pleasure Muse or online at pleasuremuse.com. Hi Dolly! So it's really good

to see you and I'm excited but what I realize is I'd love to hear about your own healing story because on your website you say, this is part of your bio, that your self-development and personal healing following your first marriage led you to realize that erotic possibility is our own responsibility. So can you just talk to us about how you healed, how you got on this path? Yeah, of course. And it's been a continuing journey, but I was in basically a sexless marriage and this is somebody that I loved. I love this man, but whatever I did, our sexual compatibility was just not working out.

I was feeling like what's wrong with me? I'm too fat, I'm too this, all the what ifs. I don't know what it was, but we were just not compatible. And I tried all sorts of things. And until I finally had the courage in my mind to say, this part of my life is really important. During my time of my healing through the divorce. I don't wish that upon anybody, but I really started to feel this connection with myself.

I did a lot of self-touch. I am like professional masturbator, but not just that. It was like more of an embodied way where I needed it as a nurturing capacity, not just like to put myself to sleep. I did a lot of mirror work, just being with myself and like that I'm okay. Because when somebody goes through a divorce, whether it's because of no sex or whatever the reason is, what usually happens is what was wrong with me and we need to go out there in the world and feel validated. And once I got through my self time, I was feeling a little bit more confident.

Oh my God, I had fun. I was like, Mr. October, Mr. November. I just wanted to go explore and make sure like, am I okay? Am I attractive? And I had a good time. And luckily, when I met Jason, my husband, you know Jason. I love Jason. We were like on the same.

We were so compatible through the kind of work that you do now as well, right? I didn't find this current work until I married Jason. And then I went through another little slump with all the body stuff because we were trying to get pregnant. I would get pregnant, but my body was not able to maintain the pregnancies. I was a TV producer at the time, all this high stress. So then he said, well, maybe take a break, look at your health. And one of our holistic doctors wrote a book, The Brightened Baby. It's like all the things to make yourself

healthy to prepare for pregnancy. And one of the chapters was for men. And it talked about a prostate massage. And my husband's because he's curious. I mean, we're like super curious compatible people in this way. He was asking him about it. And he said, Well, I have a friend who could teach Dolly how to do this. And meanwhile, our sex was like about procreation, procreation, procreation. And a lot of like our natural spark and intimacy was so focused on this. And I had two step sons. I mean, I was enjoying the tasting of being a mother in that way. But when Jason was curious about this, it was like date night, prostate massage. And so I went to the woman who eventually became a mentor to me, Ellen Heade, and she says, will you be natural at this? And so when I went to do my training in sexological

body work, I tested it out and I had some great progress with clients and he sees it, he supports it, he thinks it's amazing and we have grown exponentially as a couple because of it. Dali, I think it's beautiful. Thank you for sharing all of that because you're someone who really inspires me. We met probably right after you did sexological bodywork training in our somatic healing therapy. It is a very profound healing method but bodywork training in our somatic healing therapy. It is a very profound healing method. But how would you define what somatic healing is? Soma means of the body.

So we're basically tuning into the body, really looking to see the wisdom of the body and what it has to teach us. All of us are overthinkers. We're just like bobbleheads, okay? Think, think, think. Our heads get bigger and all we do is overthink and we always override our body. We get instincts, we get intuitions, we have these feelings. I can't do one more day of blah blah blah or whatever it is and what do we do? We still don't listen and we keep overriding. Our bodies, actually what they start to do is numb out.

They numb out and then you start to feel less. Enjoyment goes away. Everything feels a little more gray, not like bright and colorful. So a somatic sexological body worker is we are co-creating a session looking at habits that a client may have, that they come to us and they, there's something that they want to heal. There's something that just doesn't feel right. They have sexual incompatibility. Teaching people how to get out of their habits and actually move free to feel the body, to

listen, to be fantasy free. We create habits and to get out of those habits in a way that feels safe. And we have a code of ethics. I'm not bringing my erotic energy in these sessions. I'm there just really holding really, especially my female clients, it's really being a sister to really help support them to be nonjudgmental, to help unwind shame. And until we learn how pleasure can be activated in the body, layering in embodiment techniques, the breath movement, touch, sound, real focused attention, one does not know what's possible in our body because we bring with sexuality so many stigmas or shoulds or how it's supposed to look like,

and we forget to really be present to it. So we teach you how to be present in your different states of arousal and really have agency over your sexuality, over your sensuality, and to be at choice. That's the key thing, to be at choice for how you want to express yourself as an erotic being, because people are actually walking around doing things because they think they should or because somebody else is pressuring them or thinking they should do or act in a certain way. Sexually, you mean?

Like, so what you're referring to is like more like performative sex or stuff, just like what's wrong with me that I don't have this desire? So what I love about what you do is, is what you're saying is like you help people recognize when they actually are genuinely turned on and aroused and what that process looks like.

You kind of like walk them through their bodies with them. Exactly. There's two things that I really love the most right now. Vulva mapping. But lately I've been into this whole vulva hug meditation, but I'll get to that because my vulva hug meditation came about because of my mapping like hundreds of women. Yes and we are going to include a vulva hug meditation with you at the end of this episode for

everyone to listen in at home. And this idea of mapping you can do it for penises too, anuses even before anuses rectum like you can do all of this because there's all the shame to unwind. But it's in a safe container. We have gloves and it's just when the person is ready. And you don't just get on the table right away and we do bodywork. It's literally a process of like having the safety, unwinding whatever issues they're bringing to us, we have to have a sense that we can trust their body so that we can help them hear the messages of their body. So you may not have a mapping like on first session with a sexological body worker, but mapping is going point by point. It's understanding the anatomy, a woman's vulva. We have the vestibular bulbs that are inside of the outer labia.

You have all of the perineum, the perineal sponge, the urethral sponge, all of these different things. So there's the vulva mapping and then there's vaginal mapping. So you're learning the anatomy, but this is the difference. You cannot just look at a graph and figure it out. A somatic sexological body worker is guiding you to have a felt experience. If you do not feel it in your body, you will not heal,

you will not learn, you will not expand the pleasure possibility, or you won't notice if there's some numbing or some pain that might need to be released or a story held there. Our temples, our Yonevvers, like they hold so much. I mean, especially if we've had some visitors down there. So every visitor that I've had. They make an imprint there. We might just need to heal and like cleanse them out of there. Question for you though, so let's back up before we get into the intricacies of vulva

mapping and all the stuff you're doing. People are craving comfort in their bodies. They're tired of feeling sexually frustrated. They're embarrassed. They're broken. Sex is a chore. Would you say that that's what a lot of the vulva owners are saying when they come to you or there's pain?

Yes, it's that. I'm curious. But I also don't want people to think that it's only you only come to see somebody if you have pain because a small percentage, but I wish that it would grow come in because they're just curious. They're like, I have a great sex, but I just I don't I want to know more or I have great sex, but I only climax in the same way. Are there other ways to climax? Or I have a new partner and we love each other so much, but the touch, can you teach him to touch me

and to understand my anatomy better? So there are all of these reasons, but some of my favorite clients, they are a little bit of the shy ones. I don't want to convince anybody that they need this. They have to be like, I want this, but they're a little shy. Religious dogma, cultural stuff, just this whole idea of empowerment. They're nervous.

So it takes them a minute to feel really comfortable. That's incredible, because I think so many people email the show, they call in a lot of vulvas, they wonder if they're orgasming correctly, or they can only do it with their legs tightly together, right? Or they can only get on top or the bottom, or they want to learn new ways. So let's talk about that for a minute. How would you work with a vulva on understanding where you even start? Well, how it looks is we begin just with our client chat.

Okay. Then I start to develop and teach them embodiment skills. So even just in their chair, I do this awakening the hand exercise. I use that. It's a safe place to start to embellish on self touch because remember, I'm also getting some people who are nervous about self-touch. I have a woman who even came to me and she says everything below my

waist is for my husband. That's not for me. And she's actually a boudoir photographer and she says, and I spread your stuff and I thought, if I can get this embodiment stuff, if I can understand what's going on, what's possible for me and what could I even help my clients with to help them get more embodied? It's amazing. But this idea for people, especially who I seem to attract heteronormative couples, is this idea that even expanding this conversation and talking about sex is a big deal because where heteronormativity gets a bad rap is they talk about nothing. It's privacy, it's for the private,

or, oh, what's below the waist is for somebody else, and, or I can't even go and explore because of religion. Another woman just came into me with her religious background. They have to hide everything. You just cut everything off and then boom, they're married and they're supposed to be these sex queens. Well, how are they supposed to learn this? Exactly, Dali. So what do you mean? It's funny because whether you were raised in extreme religion and you weren't allowed or just feeling like we should just know with the limited

information that we get about sex that's actually accurate, how do we commit to you? So I'm thinking about these women who are saying, it's for my husband. And then yeah, the first session, she's not on your table, but maybe after a few, you'd start to... What we do is we start to build trust with the body that they can just tune in, drop in. So I give them embodiment exercises and they have self touch homework. So in sexological bodywork, we call it orgasmic yoga practice, because it's a practice. It's not like

masturbation to get to climax if the climax happens wonderful. But we take a break from some of your habits. If there's over toy use over porn use over fantasy use, we're about being with the body back to that mirror work that I did even before, you know, I did sexological body work, just being able to be in the presence because really we want to teach you to be in the presence of your brilliance and to like start to see yourself like this erotic, sensual creature that you just want to touch. If you don't want to touch yourself, how can you expect your body

to be welcoming the touch of another? So for one person to have agency and to say, this is my body, this is not some dark hole down there, like vapid, it's like, no, let me take you on a tour of what really feels good to me. And that's a really sexy turn on a tour of what really feels good to me. And that's a really sexy turn on when a woman is really empowered.

So back to just beginning with some embodiment steps, some self-touch homework, and then when a mapping happens, we always may have a goal for the mapping, but if the body says something different, it won't happen. One time I had the longest vulva hug in the world. And I always teach a woman to cup their vulva to like give a little hug before we began, you know, getting grounding the body, all this stuff. And so over the sheet asking permission, would it be okay? Check in with your body. And she said, yes. But she was really distant. She was like with her eyes closed the whole time and it was kind of a yes.

And I just said breathe into it and make sure that feels comfortable. So finally I felt like it was safe enough that I could touch her. But then I said, what do you need? She said, we can just go on. And I could tell she wasn't really absorbing it. And I could tell from her, we can just go on

that she's used to just being done to because she was not engaging with her eyes. She was just starting to go off and I asked her, I said, before we do that, I just wanted to have you open your eyes and be with me for a minute. You know, I'm just here and your sister, we're just here exploring and getting this information from your body and I guided her and breathing into her vulva. What does she notice about my hands? And then I said, does your vulva really want me to leave and just move on to the next thing? And she stayed quiet for a couple of minutes and it was the hardest couple of minutes to not like want to say anything. You need to give the space because for a vulva to speak, she needs a little space

because they're not used to being spoken to. No one ever asks how she's doing, how's her day, what does she want? It's very rare to anyone. Yeah. And she said, you know what, she wants you to stay there. She feels really comforted. And I said, beautiful, thank you. So let's just stay here for a little bit. And then I started to do what's called somatic dialoguing, asking her, is there any messages that you have for your vulva? And she started to go on and say, I'm so sorry, I've ignored you. And then when we went to what does your vulva have to say to you,

she started to say to you? She started to say things like, she's growing up. She's going from a young woman right now underneath your hands. Like she's feeling blossomed. She's feeling empowered. She's stepping into what she wants. And it was so incredible because that was just giving the space and time. And truly the whole session could have been complete right there because what she gained

was enormous. And you know what I like to offer too is just this idea of the difference of orgasm versus climax. Ooh, let's talk about that. Yes, because traditionally orgasm is considered like the peak. But because this exploration of the body, if we expand our erotic vocabulary to include orgasmicity, then we're just trying to create a body or sensations in our body and our neck, wherever any parts that orgasmicity can start building presence.

So if you think of your pleasure meter, the pleasure meter 10 is a climax. So what a climax is, is when the triangular muscles of your vaginal opening of your entroitus when they contract because all the blood has been surrounded because you're aroused, you're engorged, all your erectile tissues engorge. So the peak moment when you're at the 10, those muscles are contracting, re releasing the blood back out.

That's the ultimate peak. So I like to say climax. And then I like to say, play around with your orgasmicity and play at the six and the seven at the eight of your pleasure meter. So it's like the edging. If you go. It's a little bit of the edging, but then there's things that you can find that feel orgasmic throughout the day that you can continue to let build up. So then you have more choice. So we're just expanding the menu. All right.

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not liking it, thinking it's for somebody else, thinking we can't look and it's all wrong. However, when I'm thinking about the culture at large, nobody celebrates the vulva. Like if you think about it, like everything's phallic, right? Like there's phallic buildings and we all hail to the phallic structures and the penis, the penis, all about the penis. But the vulva, when you mostly think about it, it's like hidden, it's always a receiver. It just gets downgraded and criticized and this member of our society that just doesn't get any love.

And when it does, it's usually sort of derogatory or we're trying to control it or we're trying to, you know, police it or we're talking about how it looks funny. And so like if we don't connect, if we don't take control and have agency of our own, Volvo is like, yeah, who else is going to? Right? And so, yeah, exactly. I mean, where was this information in biology? Who was going to teach us?

When were they going to teach us? Were they going to teach us when we had our period? Were they going to teach us when we got out of high school, got into college, got our first job, got married, got divorced, like unless I got on this path, who are they? Who is they? They is us. They is us. It's the women. We are supporting women. And so it's like, it's up to each individual woman to be like, I have a power center that's at the root.

It's your first and your second chakra. It roots you, it grounds you, it expands your creativity. Like that's journaling and vulva hugging and mapping. I always tell women, get these skills because of the fact our bodies go through changes. So you're going to want to be able to go in and explore and heal. It's like layers of the fact our bodies go through changes. So you're going to want to be able to go in and explore and heal. It's like layers of the onion. We need to just kill them out of our body. Get all the boys out of my vulva. Can we map them out of the vulva? Dahlia, you vulva mapped me years ago when you first started. Yes. We should revisit that again, because I think I've even gotten my skill set and what I offer.

I'm sure. It was like six years ago. But what exactly happens during a vulva mapping? Let's get it, because I don't know if we really got right into it. We have. So for people who don't know, because I'm telling you, Dolly, most people don't know what that is.

No, it's a really new concept. It's a sexological bodywork concept where we are mapping point by point. So I'm taking my finger with my gloves and we are going only with what the body is ready. So like that vulva hug woman, if her body was done after that and she did not want me to explore, we would have been done because her body would have told us. Okay. So a vulva mapping, we're just going to the external genitalia. So vulva is the outside part. Yeah. Okay. So everybody says vagina, right? We talked about that in the beginning. We're like, no, we got to say vulva,

not vagina. So the vulva are the outer lips and the inner lips. And here's my little vulva puppet and the clitoral hood and the front commissure and all of these yummy parts. And so they are like these beautiful red curtains behind me are vulvas, like the beautiful, different colors, some darker, some pinker, some just more earthy, just the beautiful curtains that cover all of these treasures of our erectile beds. And I do the sexological bodywork position,

which is actually you get on the massage table, I straddle the massage table and then she will put her legs over my legs because then it supports my back and I can get it all over bits. She's covered with a sheet and then as she's ready, we can look the sheet and we can go point by point. So we're checking the outer lips, each of the outer lips. We're noticing the potential for, each of the outer lips, we're noticing the potential for numbness or any pain. And so we have the potential to remediate some of that. And we're looking at your pleasure meter, where as I continue to this touch, do you have the potential for pleasure? So we're collecting information and people are

often surprised at how one side has more pleasure than the other. Then at a certain point we get in different oils that are healing. The vulva takes so much time that typically we have to do a vaginal mapping another time. Sometimes we can get through it, but I'm dealing with stories that people are telling me. Things are coming up, tears are happening. Like I said, things are stored there or people are just really surprised. But as I continue to move, they are doing what's called somatic learning. They're feeling and they're having the felt experience as

I'm touching and they are moving through, understanding their anatomy, they're connecting with it. So we find their treasure spots. We just find the juicy spots. They're like, okay, this is where you want to go. And this is where you can go. We discover so many things. The clitoral shaft. When hallelujah, like, oh, praise the clorotoral shaft. When I discovered this little popping sensation for my own body, some volas hate it. But we just try it all to see what they like, because they don't even know. They're like, what, I have a shaft?

Yes, my dear, you have a shaft. If you were a different chromosome, it would have become your penis shaft. You have a clitoral shaft. But all the parts, but things look different. There might be a very pronounced clitoral glands or the head, it might just be a little speck. So we're looking, I'll have a flashlight and a mirror

and sometimes they'll sit up and they'll look themselves. But I literally truly like the first time to be a felt experience that they just have the opportunity to feel and not look. Sometimes when women look, then the judgment start rolling in. That's great. I think that's such a good practice to not look.

I remember I was surprised to find that on one side there was more, there was like a little bit of pain. And I don't have experienced pain, but I remember feeling like, oh, that spot was tender, like one spot. And I thought, oh, okay, that's something to pay attention to. So when you're saying that a lot comes up for people when you're doing this, is this like people say trauma stored in your body? Are you saying that when you do this work, sometimes they're just the tears because maybe

they've never received this kind of touch, they've never paid this kind of attention or do they remember things as traumas, memories? It's a lot of memories. One time I had a couple, a wonderful couple, and actually she had just recently shared with him about a rape that happened to her right before they got married and they wanted to come and heal some of that. And he, she wanted him to be in the room. So he sat in the chair, things that she remembered saying during that time were coming up and

she really wanted him like at a certain point she said, can I just want him to hold my hand to help her get through that. But other things just might happen from a childbirth or from rough sex or you don't know why. I mean, me, I had so much pain. The first person to vaginal map me, I was in my sexological bodywork school. I had Jason, my husband, and he's like, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm like, well, I'm going to read the directions.

I'm going to show you some videos. And he put his finger in this one spot inside of my vagina. And I was like, what? What do I do? I'm like, don't move your finger, just stay there. And literally he held his finger and it just like the presence, I could feel it, he could feel it unwind. The unwinding. And so you can feel the unwinding and when we continue to touch, stories sometimes people just cry and they don't know why. So they can feel the unwinding. And when we continue to touch, stories, sometimes people just cry and they don't know why.

So they just feel sensitive, they feel emotion, they feel compassion, they feel bad for themselves that they've ignored their bodies. A lot of the women, especially though, who come in are like in their 40s or 50s, they're like the kids, they're a little more grown up, or they're going through a divorce or they're wanting to save their marriage. And they're, they just say, you know what, I am going to take this time and I'm going to learn about

my body. But then remember COVID happened and I couldn't work. Right. I know. I was like, right. I know. But dude, you and I went on that walk and I was trying to do this vulva mapping one person at a time. And I was like, wow, the online zoom mappings. I don't even need to see genitals. I just need to be with you. I just need to see your face, just like I'm seeing your face here and I'm guiding you. And you're discovering it was so powerful. And what I loved about it is that I actually shifted this, my attachment to my hands on the body to like,

oh my God, this is so powerful. I'm getting the women to touch themselves. And you said, Dolly, can you make a video that it's more accessible for more people so you don't have to give your time, but you just do this video? So you helped inspire my online course. Oh, yes, I totally remember that. So you helped inspire my online course. Oh, yes.

I totally remember that. So how's that going then? The course is amazing, right? People can do, so you can do this so everyone can hear Dolly and you walk them through, they can map themselves with your guidance. This course is a premium course. I beta tested it recently

and it's gonna be out in the new year again. When I look at the work that I do with a private client that takes me about 14 hours to get through, I've collapsed it to four hours. Four. That's still a lot, but that's why this is a premium product. So you can either reserve five days of your life and do it an hour, hour and a half a day or five weeks because it's a journey. Like you can't just go to like map yourself and then an hour later go vaginally map yourself. You have to, it's a process. We don't want to take the time as a thing. I know we all want quick fixes. We all want to be able to go in, I got volume mapped and now I'm ready to go. But everything, whether it's even just

communicating with your partner, understanding your body through masturbation is a practice. Anything that's worth having takes time. So I really challenge every woman out there listening. I challenge every man out there listening, anybody who loves a vulva, okay? That the time that a woman needs to be and to cherish and to worship her life force. This is like our powerhouse. It's just amazing. And we dismiss it. Like you said earlier, it drives me crazy when I hear people say, Oh, don't be such a pussy.

You know what? It's an honor to be a pussy because it's so pussy. It's so powerful. Emily, your show, it's so pussy. My be a pussy because it's so pussy it's so powerful. Emily your show it's so pussy. My vulva mapping it's so pussy and I mean that like we celebrate it and stop the pejorative. Stop. And so this whole idea of the time that it takes a woman taking the time and this is why women who are in more excruciating pain, they want to get out of that pain so they're more willing to take the time. Do you see what I'm saying? You see the difference? Oh I can get through it. Oh I can fake an orgasm. Oh I know how to get myself off. Oh just put lube and you can go in. We over

time that's gonna build up to just not feeling much. And you're just, you're doing yourself a disservice. You really are. That's so true, Dolly, that we, it's almost like we have to be on fire. It has to be like super painful for us to come in. But we're telling you that if it's just faking orgasms or it's not having any pleasure

or just taking one for the team and having sex with your partner, that is a level of pain that you don't have to live with. It might be more of a emotional pain. It might be more like a repressed pain because you've convinced yourself that that's okay. But no one has to live that way. And women, we spend so much time

getting on our outer right presence, myself included, right? All the things I do to be ready externally. But what's going on with our bodies is going to give you so much more pleasure and purpose and connection than anything else you can do. Like that other stuff doesn't matter once you are more connected to your power source. It is your power source.

It's true. Like it's, yeah. It's so true. I was doing a vulva mapping just a couple of days ago, and we were exploring the outer lip, and we're going up and down, and she was feeling more pleasure higher, because it's connecting with her clitoral structure underneath.

But the more we, then when we started to get into here, down here on the outer kind of part of the inner and the outer is your vestibular bulbs, which is also part of the clitoral structure. But when engorgement happens, they balloon open, they like swell up. And that's what helps the curtains part so that it can part up.

And so I just brought my finger down here and she goes, oh my gosh, that feels so different. So we allowed some time and some different touch and some oil and she says, oh my goodness. So when you can connect with different parts of your anatomy, you can visualize it during sex. So now she's going to have this experience of, Oh, this is what that is when they're bouncy, when they're buoyant, then it's going to be more

ready to receive because look, here's my floppy penis, It's a floppy penis. And I teach, I do a lot of teachings with this, but what I want to show is who would expect a non erect penis to be DTF if it's a floppy. It's not ready, but yet we expect the vulva in its non-engorged state to be ready. Now, I love the floppies. Like all penises and all their incarnations need love because they can feel. Like they, and that's another thing. Women feel like they shouldn't touch a penis

unless it's erect. No, go. Yeah. Well, we gotta teach this. I get it. We gotta teach. My equivalent for the vulva hug is go do a cock cuddle. A cock cuddle. I love all of that, Dolly, but it's true. The vulva most of the time in the vagina is not awake. It's floppy in its own way.

It's floppy in its own way. It's not erect. It's floppy and not aroused. Not erect. No, our clitoral shaft can get erect. This is, I'm sure you've talked with other people like her or her reaction or like there's all these different names Right a lady bone or all those things. That's because your clitoral shaft will actually go raise up and also when you are

Aroused your anatomy starts to move ups to create more space so that your cervix can lift. Oh my gosh One time I had a woman, she was not feeling much and then I touched her cervix and she was like, Oh my God. And these tears started flooding and her story of I just make myself available. I'm that girl who just wants to, who just wants to be DTF. And so I just want to, I just get it going. I make myself so available. And her cervix was in so much pain. And we started dialoguing and she started to apologize

to her cervix that she would put her through these situations. I am not kidding you. Her cervix moved. My finger was just on it and her cervix moved back. And I looked at her, she looked at it, I was like, did you feel that? She's like, yes. And then I moved my fingers and see there's more space. It literally moved back under my finger. Oh my God. I know.

Dolly, that's... She was apologizing to it and having a moment. I mean, this is the power of somatic healing. You have to feel it. You can't think it. I can't tell you apologize to your cervix and it'll move back. You have to feel it. I'm so sorry for all those bad decisions. You have to feel it. You have to feel it.

When you think about pleasure, how do we live in a more orgasmic state? This my dear is the foundation of our work, of my work. This is embodiment. And people think, oh, what the heck is embodiment? And it's simple. I'm going to tell it to you and you're going to think it's so simple. It's breath, it's movement, it's sound, it's touch, and it's placement of awareness or focus. So it's our senses. It's sound, it's touch and it's placement of awareness or focus. So it's our senses. It's our senses, but it's being active. It's not being, it's bringing active breath.

It's bringing active sound. It's bringing touch. This is why in the beginning with my clients, bringing them and teaching them to do an embodied self touch practice, putting aside all your quick go tos. Awesome. I don't judge them. It's great that you know that your body has access. I love it, but let's try something else.

So layering in the touch and actually having the breath and the movement in your body because you can feel more. So it's like having a bite of chocolate. You take a bite of a chocolate bar and you just crunch it. It tastes a little waxy. But if I just tell you right now to just think about chocolate, Emily, to think about the smell of chocolate, and then if I were to present a chocolate in front of your nose and you smelled it,

we have erectile, you know, yeah, in our nose, and the ear, that whole oral things of the ears. But if you slow things down, it's pacing too. I think part of embodiment should also, the pillars of embodiment don't say slow it down people, but if you want to relax and feel possibility, you have to relax. So it's accessing that parasympathetic nervous system. So the breath, when I tell you slow down your breath, we're shallow breathers. Our breath naturally for many people stays up on top, but if it goes down, extending

into your belly and your exhale is longer and you can start going and then bringing in some movement and then playing with touch, touching over your clothes, over your underwear and then seeing what it's like with hand directly to skin. So playing with these things, but bringing in this concept of all of those pillars of embodiment, it slows you down. And I know it seems simple, but again, it's about people taking the time to do it. My clients who do their homework, huge breakthroughs. The clients who don't, they're like, it worked really well when I was in the

office with you, but it hasn't stuck with, well, what have you done? I don't have time. It's time. It is, but what they realize is that you're getting time back by taking the time to prioritize your own body, prioritize your pleasure. And it's the ability to relax. You can get started on this journey just by even just remembering the show or playing it back to yourself or just saying like, next time would be a quick tip next time you were touching yourself? Well first before one can identify arousal in their body they have to start to have an ability to have somatic awareness that starts to build into attunement. So what does that mean? My best and number one question that I ask every client

after we have any experience or any touch, what are you noticing? So if they can drop into what am I noticing? If they go into story, okay, now what are you noticing? Like what are you noticing under your skin? I'm noticing some warmth, I'm noticing some electricity. Oh, this next time that we touched it, I'm noticing that it moved someplace else.

Oh, I could feel it. So the more you touch, the more you like you activate your nerve endings. And so as you notice these things, you have that awareness of your body. Then you can start to feel to be able to put yourself into a place of arousal so that you can slow down. And I'm noticing I'm tense.

I'm noticing this. So let me just bring some breath and then relax and then more things become available so they feel more flushed in their body. They feel more full. I like to call it like orgasmicity from head to toe. So we're moving the pleasure away just from the genitals so that you can actually feel full body orgasmicity. And then because you're having that relaxed state,

that's when big climaxes can happen. People are so tense and so tight, their climaxes cannot happen. They're constricting blood flow. You have to just, that softness, I mean, it's like this embracing of the softness. And even the male clients, them finding that you would be surprised how many people clench right before they're going to ejaculate. And it's that breath. And then it can be bigger and better. So it's really them just doing the homework and saying, this is what I noticed.

And then when I did this or I layered that in, judgment really came out on this day. But then the next day I went back in and I tried that. So, judgment really came out on this day. But then the next day I went back in and I tried that. So it's really in the noticing. And I know that that sounds like a woo woo holistic thing, but it's noticing the sensations and being with it because then you can be with the sensation and actually have it activate over time. It starts to like fill up.

Instead of just the hand, it might fill up the whole harm. And then after time I'm touching my hand or my arm. I don't have to touch. I can just think about touch in my hand or my arm and I can feel it. So then I'm activating and moving that arousal in my body. I can squeeze and release my pelvic floor before I get on a phone call. You could squeeze release it.

I can feel the warmth from my lingering past vulva hugs, and it can ground me immediately. I can start to build arousal. The other thing is when you receive, like if you touch yourself or somebody else touches you, if you start to absorb that touch and you really absorb it, like I don't want it to sound like selfish, but like you take it in, then you're like moving that touch and that sensation through your body.

Yes. That's good. So it's a connection. The psychological body work is is about the somatic experience. Of course, there's sexual things. I have a huge why I'm a great masturbator is because I have fantasy. I had long distance boyfriends all throughout high school and college. So my fantasy really helped me become a great masturbator. But how can one have climax free a fantasy? And you're just following the sensations and letting it build. I think that's a really important point. Dolly, try not to fantasize. And every time you do,

would you say, Dolly, go back to your, what you're feeling in the moment? That's- Yeah. So there's that fantasy and you don't want to have judgment. You just, you're like, okay, yep. I know that's a good one. Yep. I'm going to breathe, just go in the sidelines and then come back to what am I noticing? Where am I feeling? That's why like in my own personal meditation, that hand on my Ebola keeps me there so that I'm not going to my grocery list. You know what I mean? I'm keeping connected with the root of my body with my hand there. And so it's about the touch and then the breath. Like it's literally these tools of embodiment dancing in and out to have you have a fuller experience.

So how does fantasy not come in to play with fantasy? Not everybody is fantasy wired. So if that's like how then you must be fantasy wired. It was it's a very hard thing for me, even with my embodiment skills to really take it off. I had a strong practice once. I'm the total like pillow humper pressure. That's my style. That's my go-to. And I was really committed during my training to really be with sensation and engorgement of the vulva. So on my back, touching and moving. Y'all, I was like 45 minutes,

but it was that touching and moving and then pulling the hand away, touching and moving and then holding and allowing. It was so vulnerable. I actually had a really difficult time because my open legs with self-touch, it created such a vulnerable thing that I was a little afraid to release. But then I started playing just a little bit more in the clitoral head and playing with the shaft. And everything was so engorged and had blossomed open. I was so afraid. My go-to was like, just turn around and just, just make it rough and just get it over with.

But it was the first time that I just had a pure sensation release of touching, touching, touching. And it just was like slow and long, slow and long. And I started falling afterwards. And I just kept coming back to the sensation. What are you feeling? What are you feeling? Then if something gets too much, you move to something else.

Because you can find your really yummy spot and then you keep touching it, it gets annoying. So you have to kind of just play around it. But you have to do the breath and the movement. And I'm moving my hips and I'm making sound. And all of these things, because it activates it. All of those fantasy things that we have, they're like emulating what really, what an, I mean, they're, I don't think they're embodied, but because they're performative. But if you can get in the sound and the movement and all of that in a real honest, loving way,

it's very vulnerable. It's very vulnerable. I hadn't felt something that tender. I hadn't felt something that tender. I gave myself the space and time and tenderness and let everything engorge. And then I just let it be a slow climactic release that lasted a long time. Like my body on my back, no pressure, no pushing, no toy. It was so intense for me. I just couldn't, I just, I can't explain it. It was just, I felt tearful, joyful. I just, it was such a big release

that it was like then it became a crygasm. A crygasm, I love it. Dolly, were you able to then replicate that then in your, like you no longer need that kind of pressure anymore? I need less pressure. Yes. I still love pressure. But remember, it's about having choice.

It's about having choice. But I can use less because you know where my fantasy goes now? Where? My fantasy goes to visualizing my anatomy. So it's not fantasy because I'm visualizing the present moment. But I'm not kidding you. Like when that woman the other day felt the vestibular bulbs and I was like, great. Because me, when I discovered my vestibular bulbs, I could feel them and I could feel them like

hugging my husband's cock and I could just feel it gripping and he would turn me on to think about my anatomy. I was like, oh yes, they're bouncy and they're grabby. I would like to literally turn me on. Or if I'd feel a spot inside, one of my nice spots is the A spot right behind the urethral sponge, the G crest. I can feel it and I just start to visualize the anatomy in the spot and it's like, boom, blood flow happens there and the pleasure starts to build. So I wouldn't call that fantasy. I'm like literally visualizing my anatomy and what's happening down there.

Like I want to be magic school bus and going to see what's going on down there. It turns me on to think about what's actually going on down there. Yeah, it's just a new narrative. Literally, it's like a new narrative and following this old narrative and supplanting it with the knowledge of your body and what's actually happening. So in a way, you are very focused on something, but it's a fantasy that, yeah. So we have fun with it, but we also have our time and space.

The thing that I tell every couple, Emily one day will help me with this, but it's the whole every couple should have a massage table to do one way touch because if there's beautiful intentional loving touch that somebody then doesn't have to give right back because a lot of times to in partnerships, we don't take the time to really feel fully. And then that's when sexual healing can't happen. That's when vulnerability can't happen because it becomes about like getting to the climax.

Partnered sex, I love it. But I love to take turns to just be able to give my husband so he can fully receive and for him to fully give to me so I can fully receive. Again, another choice. On your site, they can check out your course, right? Yes, the vulva hug meditation. So I'm guiding you through a 25 minute gorgeous thing. You can just grab it as a present to yourself. And then there'll be my embodiment 101. There'll be also body anchor meditation. There are some people who may not be ready for the vulva hug. They might need to create some safety in their body before they go to touch

their genitals. And this is what I'm saying, listening to your body, not just like, I'm just going to go there because Dolly or Emily said it, like, is your body ready for it? And then yes, my Touch Feel Connect online vulva mapping course for those who really want to take some luxurious time. And the way I would say how you can experience pleasure in your body is just savor the chocolate in your mouth, let it melt, suck the chocolate, feel when your body like emerges into the hot water of a bath. Take a bath. Don't shower. Like literally just feel the water surround your body. Go get massages. If you can't get to a sexological body worker, start getting used to feeling touch. Look at how touch starved we are. Our

bodies need it because of the oxytocin. This is why my vulva hug meditation is so powerful because you are just sending all the self love and you're accessing all this oxytocin. Since I've been doing this practice, Jason, my husband, it's just like, wow, you're just showing up so much more present. I'm dealing with perimenopause too. So I'm like, ah, sometimes like, ah, I was like so angry about things, but I'm telling you, this is balancing me. Cause he says, he says, wow, you didn't get angry at that. I'm like, I know. I'm like, okay, my low estrogen is chilled out because I've rebooted my body with a little

extra oxytocin from this vulva hug. There are things that we can do right now and really two things. What is your intention and how can you pay attention? Your body is craving you. I know it sounds sexy, oh this date, that day, Emily and I are teasing about this, but really who your body, whether you're a penis owner or a vulva owner wants your attention. So pay attention to it and bring a good intention in your self-touch to have curiosity and exploration. Yeah, just curiosity.

That's a great one. Thank you, Dolly. What would you say are the pleasure thieves? What's stealing our pleasure? Hmm, I think what's stealing people is an addiction to dopamine. Okay, so dopamine is the quick fixes when you get the likes on your social media stuff, when you can just pop on porn and see 20 different bodies or 2000 different bodies

in X amount of time, like just this over stimulation. It's just activating the dopamine, dopamine, dopamine. It's a pleasure center. Yes, it feels good in the moment, but it's a quick high and it's a quick burn. And so that actually, it's fooling people to think that that's pleasure. It's like artificial. It's artificial. And so you're robbing yourself of feeling the full experience of your oxytocin and nitric oxide and dopamine. The combination after my clients try the hugging or the embodied self-touch, they start to feel more floaty. Like when you're embodied and you're feeling really yummy, if you've ever had an amazing

making love session with a partner or with yourself, you feel almost drunk for like a couple of hours. That's when you've activated all of your pleasure hormones. And that's when you're fully like just like, oh, you're just tussled and sensual. It's the best. And when you don't, and you just rub out a quick one, or you have a quick quick sex, it's like, that was great. But then there's an intensity that can show up in your life 20 or 30 minutes later, you feel like more intense. Hmm, I love that, Dolly. Thank you so much.

I think that you're doing such important work and I love that you've been able to bring it online so everybody can access what you're doing because I think that it's time for everyone to have a vulva or you have one in your life. It's really important just to slow it down, to take a look, do your own mirror exercises, at least hug your vulva today

or hug the vulva in your life that you love. So Dolly, I want to ask you the five questions we ask all of our guests, the quickie questions. Yes. All right. What's your biggest turn on? Anticipation. Biggest turn off? Disembodiment. What makes good sex?

Slowness. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships? That you don't have to do certain things to earn acceptance. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? That learning and expanding your knowledge and your erotic vocabulary that is just a lifelong journey and get on the ride and just to get curious. Get curious. I love it, Dolly. Thank you so much.

Where can people find you? They can find me at pleasuremuse.com. And I also have Instagram at pleasuremuse. And from the sexologicalbodyworkers.org website, where you can find certified sexological body workers. For those of you who are interested, Dolly's gonna lead us in a guided vulva penis hug meditation.

If you aren't in the right place to meditate now, but you want to do this later, feel free to pause the episode and come back to it next time you're home. Okay, how should we start Dali? So I want you just to get a sense of the seat underneath you. Bring your feet just on the ground. And just bring in your awareness to your sit bones in the chair. If you're able to lean back into the chair, that would be really great. And just allow your legs to open up just a little bit.

I'm going to guide you into a deep breath, noticing where your breath lands. And the most important thing is to have your exhalation be longer. So I'm going to guide you in, we'll just do a couple of these counting to three and exhaling to four. So one, two, three, pause, and exhale, two, three, four. Good, do that again, two, three, and exhale. I just want you to do a little squeeze of your pelvic floor, your PC muscle, like you're holding back from pain. Squeeze and release it, don't hold it. Just saying hello to your vulva, inviting her to the conversation.

And having a thought, just kind breathing with your hands on your lap. But if you get a yes, I want you just to do a couple little drive bys and you might have to angle your body. Like I'm going to move into more of a low rider position so I can angle and actually cut my whole hand over my vulva. So using your dominant hand, if she was a yes, after you've just kind of warmed it up, and then I'm putting my dominant hand down first with my second hand. Close your eyes and just settle in.

Adjust your hand until you find the place that's just right. Going over the edge of the pubic bone, down towards your perineum, just holding, not worrying about the anatomy. Really just feeling a sense for the warmth of your hand or maybe coolness. Taking in three breaths here. Giving a little squeeze of your pelvic floor again if you would like. Noticing if that warmth, hugging your vulva as expanded. You're feeling a little bit more rooted, a little bit more grounded. Connecting your body with your mind, with your soul, just a way to drop in quickly, connecting with your life force.

Just wanting to give you a taste of this because we could go on for 15 minutes and just be quiet and have your energy move up your spine and the top of your head. Just give her another little squeeze before you thank her in your mind thanking her for letting you visit with her. And that it's important for you to start just to begin a dialogue, building a bridge that

you want to know more about what she wants. You're a team. Seeing if she has any messages for you. Then when you're ready, moving your feet, bringing some awareness back into your body ever so gently lifting your first hand and then your second hand because the temperature will shift. What did you notice? I noticed that I feel definitely calmed my whole body

and it was warm and that she was hungry. She was hungry. Yeah. She wanted a little bit more. She wanted you to stay there a little longer. I love it. Thank you so much, Dolly, for being here. It's great to see you. Thank you, Emily.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at SexWithEmily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com.