Sex With Emily - Red Flags Are Not Green

Episode Date: July 30, 2024

Trust: it’s the glue of relationships, even the more casual ones. Can I trust that this person is safe? That they aren’t going to hurt me? Can I trust myself, that I’ll know how to navigate this situation? These are the questions we all ask ourselves, even if it’s subconscious. Our bodies and brains regularly scan for danger, but when you’re wearing rose-colored glasses, sometimes the red flags just look like flags. So on today’s show, I take your questions on trust and safety, because as we know, safety is the precursor to hot sex. So what happens when you’re having mind-blowing sex with a partner, but catch them chatting with sex workers online? What happens when you’ve been love-bombed, by someone who isn’t what they seem? Or maybe you’ve had past relationship trauma, and don’t trust new partners to take it slow with you? We get into all of it. Finally: do you trust yourself to facilitate a hookup? Do you trust that you can help a partner heal from sex-negative messaging? These are the questions I’m exploring today, and trust ME: by the end, you’ll walk away with some great tools for sticky situations. In this episode, you’ll learn: Being upfront and honest in a new relationship is very important Lowering your expectations for a one night stand or a situation-ship When someone tells you who they are, believe them Show Notes: Try our FREE Guides Today! SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.

And when we get ghosted and we've all been ghosted or you know we've had people disappear, they say it takes half your time dating someone to get over them so this guy deserves like half a day. But it sounds like he's taken up a big portion of your time thinking about him and what I do wrong. I just think we gotta move on from this. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate

the conversation around sex. Trust, it is the glue of relationships, even the more casual ones. Can I trust that this person is safe, that they're not gonna hurt me? Can I trust myself that I'll know how to navigate the situation? These are the questions we all ask ourselves. Even if it's subconscious, our bodies and brains regularly scan for danger.

But when you're wearing rose-colored glasses, sometimes the red flags just look like flags. So on today's Ask Emily show, I take your questions on trust and safety because we know safety is the precursor to hot sex. So what happens when you're having mind-blowing sex with a partner but catch them chatting with sex workers online? Or what happens when you've been love-bombed by someone who isn't what they seem? Or maybe you've had past relationship trauma and don't trust new partners to take it slow with you.

Finally, do you trust yourself to facilitate a hookup? Do you trust that you can help a partner heal from sex negative messaging? These are the questions I'm exploring today. And trust me, by the end you'll walk away with some great tools for sticky situations. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show.

Just do it right now. It takes you two seconds and it really helps get the show out to more people and more sex positive people like you. You wanna have better sex. You can also find me on all social media at Sex With Emily. If you're there, I'm there. Check out my new articles,

Embarrassing Sex Questions, Penis Edition, and Sex Party 101. They're up on sexwithemily.com. Also, don't forget to sign up for my emails. You can find the link in the show notes. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. ["Sex with Emily"] Okay, we have Jamie 44 in Utah.

Hi Jamie, what's going on? Thanks for joining today. Thank you for having me. I'm a big fan. Oh, I'm so glad. I so appreciate you calling in. What's going on? So I wanted to reach out.

Let me just give you a quick background. I'm 44. I've been divorced for three years. And I've been dating a new guy who's a little bit younger than I am who has never been married and he moved in with me about a year ago and things are going very well. We have an incredible relationship, an incredible sex life. In fact we have a lot of sex like every. And we bought an iPad together. I discovered how much he actually is looking at porn,

which is fine, I'm fine with that. But I discovered he's been chatting online with women, you know, where you pay money and then you give the tokens to make them do things. So I decided to reach out to you because coming off of a 20 year marriage, dating a little bit younger guy, everything is seemingly wonderful. We have an incredible sex life. I'm pulling out all the stops.

Everything seems really exciting and happy and fun. I'm questioning myself now though though because I discovered this on the iPad. I've since gotten my own iPad. Right. Because I guess it triggered me in a way. I felt like I wasn't doing enough for him. But I guess my question and why I'm reaching out to you is how do we feel about this? Because to me it feels that's not right. Yeah, I know. I feel that it's a really great time to have a conversation with him about it

because what you're saying is he's done something like OnlyFans probably, which is very common right now that people can, he's paying to watch someone masturbate or he's chatting with them. Right. And that's a next level way of masturbating, which is a very common thing that a lot of people are doing right now. What's it making you feel right now? What is it making you feel that?

It's making me feel like I'm not doing enough. I understand that. I don't feel like jealousy or anything like that, but I'm definitely like, what am I not doing to keep him satisfied when we're already very sexually active? And we have so much fun together. So everything seems great from my perspective. So why would we need to be chatting online and paying money? I've done some things recently that I never thought I would do but you know I'm enjoying it so that's on my end. You mean sexually. Right. But on his end what I don't understand why he needs to do this. Okay got it. No I totally that

is such a valid concern about it and well first let me just tell you this that that masturbation is part of being sexually healthy and people masturbate in relationships, they masturbate when they're out of relationships. And sometimes when people are having really satisfying sex, they masturbate more, cause sex begets sex and it feels so good and he just wants more and more. So I just want you to know that it's really common.

But so, yeah. Oh, what'd you say? It's what? I said best news all day. Okay, good. Yeah, I can feel your tenses. I just wanna like give you a hug and just tell you that because we don all day. Okay, good. Yeah, I can feel your tenses. I just want to like give you a hug and just tell you that because we don't know that.

And it's so common that we feel like why do they need to masturbate if they got me? And I went through this too before I knew this. I would get jealous. You know, when I was in my twenties, I found a guy was watching porn and I was like, oh my God, but we're having the best sex of our life. So I think it's really just about a conversation. Have you guys ever talked about masturbation together? Yeah, all the time.

We talk about it all the time. And in fact, at one point, I said to him, and I made up a story. And I was like, hey, you know, one of my girlfriends is really worried. She caught her husband chatting online with other women on a porn site. And he was like, oh my god, I would never.

That's cheating. La la la. Oh. And I went on, that's cheating. La la la. Oh. And I was like, uh, okay, well. But then I didn't do anything about it. I felt like I would embarrass him, so I didn't want to say anything.

So this would be another conversation to have, because I have to say to you that let's now address what's actually happening, is this chatting with women online, with porn sites online. That is another level, and there are many women who I could see why that's gonna make you feel jealous or be confused. And I think you just gotta ask them, say, we are sharing this iPad.

And I just want you to know, like I think masturbation is healthy and I'm totally cool with you masturbating. But when I saw this, it did make me feel, and you can only speak from your, it made me feel like I wasn't doing enough and that maybe you needed more from me. And so maybe you could tell me,

don't even ask if it's real, because you already saw it, you know it's true. So just say, maybe you could tell me more about your decision to do this, to chat. Could you tell me what it does for you, what it feels for you? Because I'm just curious, and I know this is gonna be hard because you're angry and you're hurt. I mean, I guess if he lies and makes an excuse, I mean,

you see the thing, like it's who else is it? You share an iPad, which also feels like you should know that. It actually really surprised me that he hadn't deleted his search history. Yeah, you're like, dude, if you deleted your search history, like most people, we all do that. Like, why are we deleting our search history? But I think that just finding out, we're getting curious. And has there ever been other things in the relationship where you felt was off or trust or? Just in the beginning, to be married for 20 years

and completely out of the dating scene, and then to get together with someone who has been single his whole life. And then, you know, we got together. At first, I was very sensitive to the other women that he was friends with and his social media. But I've totally gotten over that. And I feel really, really confident in our relationship now. Okay, good. There hasn't been any other. Okay, good. So you trust him and he has nothing totally trusted. Yeah.

Okay, good. Okay. So this is more information, as we like to say in the business. You gotta get curious, and now you have more information about him and his porn habits. If you just saw he was watching porn, would that be as alarming as the chatting? No, no, I wouldn't care. See, I get that.

So this is next level. You say, I'm cool with porn, I understand that, but this is a next level thing, I'm just curious what it's about. And he might tell you, like I can imagine some things he might say is, well, I don't even know what happens or it helps me with stress. We all masturbate because it helps us with stress or it's a release or it's a fantasy or so. Again, I'm not as alarmed with the frequency of his masturbation as it is this part of it and the

fact that he did shame somebody else for doing it when you brought it up. But he was also responding to your like, can you believe her boyfriend did that? So he was like, oh shit, this will never be safe. So then he didn't feel safe. I mean, he probably like what would have been great if he's like, yeah, I've done that. That would have been, he actually would have been great if he was like, oh no, I've done that. It's actually, yeah, you'd be like, oh really?

Like you would have been fine with that baby. Oh, yes. And I, it would have been out of sight, out of mind, but the fact that he, yes, shamed somebody else and was like. It's a great area. It really is a great area because some couples are like, you know what, I get my partner, I understand them. This is what they do. I'm getting all my needs met.

And I don't think it typically meets against anything nefarious. What's happening with porn a lot now these days is it's readily available. And then being able to chat now with the person that you're watching is sort of a next level arousal. And a lot of times we have to keep elevating the arousal level of what is gonna turn us on.

It's kind of risky, it's kind of taboo. Right. And it's readily available. Like OnlyFans and all those sites are just like, shh, you know, through the roof. Yeah, yeah. Okay, thank you. You're so welcome.

I so appreciate you. Thank you for calling in. Yeah, I appreciate you. Thank you. Okay. Let me know how it goes. I'm here for you. Okay. Bye. Masturbation. Remember, it is part of being sexually healthy and we do it in relationships all the time and that's fine. But this is a next level. Like what is the meaning of it? And so I think anytime we are feeling hurt or threatened by some of our partners behavior, the important things here that I've said are you have to listen, try not to be angry, and just to stay curious and then listen to your partner's answers. And even if you need to step away and continuing the conversation, if you do feel anger coming on, I think that the more we can be open to our partners and listen

and understand their sexual proclivities and what turns them on, we'll be more likely to forge healthier sexual relationships all around. We have Damien, he's 28 and he's from Atlanta, Georgia. So tell me what's going on, how can I help? I guess to make a long story short, it breaks down to my wife's masturbation routine. Toys and everything that checks out, that's okay. We have a two-year-old, so that intimate time is limited. But when it breaks down to the old good two hands, she's not for it. She's grossed out by it.

She's grossed out by using her hands for masturbation on herself. Okay, right? Okay. Have you ever asked her about why that is? What's her take on it? It's simply she's grossed out by it. So I've dug deeper into that as maybe there's trauma around it or something in that relation, but her first sexual experience was traumatic, but not necessarily related to masturbation. Okay, but there could be something there. How is your conversation about your sex life in general? Yeah, it's open.

Our kid's coming up on two. So the drive post-kid has been a little rough on her, but I've been understanding of that because I know the hormones are on a roller coaster, but the conversation is open, it's there, and there's good common ground and understanding. Okay. So what part of her feeling grossed out

by touching herself bothers you? I'm not bothered by it, but I think she's missing out on that. That's like a good building block of that routine. Like I said with the limited time you can only bring toys in somewhere to squeeze that time in and if your hands aren't the good option then kind of limited on options. Okay, honestly, but she does use toys because to me, toys are efficient. Toys are quick if you don't have a lot of time

and you have a young one. Yeah, you make a good point there. Yeah, but the grossed out is interesting and she's not grossed out by touching you, right? Like she gives you pleasure and touches you and. She has her lanes with, like she wants me to be nice and clean which is understanding i sweat plenty so that's and she's not necessarily a germaphobe but

let's everything be clean is her lane okay cum is not her favorite substance uh that's not every woman is there any areas did she grow up in an environment where it wasn't okay to talk about sex or was she told it was shameful to masturbate? I think there's some deal of that that's not necessarily clear in our conversation, but I think there's a little bit of that going on. Okay, because sometimes that carries over as well

that that could be part of it. And if she still is masturbating though, she is doing it. Like she's using toys, you said. She's having orgasms and pleasure. I think not as much as a woman should. Well, there's no- That's not my business. Then there's no magic number.

Right. I think that if she uses toys and she's okay with masturbation. I think it's okay if she doesn't use her hands. I think that maybe, does she have pleasure when you, I mean, does she have orgasms and does she have, she enjoys the sex that you guys have together, obviously? Right, our sex life is there with we both climax. Okay.

I think there's just more, we gotta get to the bottom of, there's a lot of shame around sexuality and her upbringing. It wasn't okay to be loud and proud about your sexuality and her. Yeah, I mean, that's so common. Do you guys ever get, do you have date night? Do you have time away from your kid?

So we just recently relocated to where we're close to family. So now we're gonna be able to have grandma babysitters. Amazing. It's really important for couples to continue to have date night every week. Like you're non-negotiable. We are having a date night because maybe on those nights you could have a more relaxed conversation with her about and I would make rules around that. Like we're not going to talk about our kid. We're going to really just focus on ourselves and connection. Could be a time where you maybe would say, you know what, I kind of was listening to Sex with Emily and I learned some of these, you know,

I thought about you and I just want you to know that part of being sexually healthy is masturbation that I've learned. And I think that the more we listen to sex positive messages, we can eradicate slowly our early messages around sex. And I think it just takes surrounding yourself by sex positive people, hearing sex positive messages continually and just sort of, you know, she grew up in a place where it wasn't okay for 18 years whenever she left home. It takes a little bit of time, but I think you're doing

all the right things here. You seem like a very loving, supportive husband, so I doubt that you're shaming her and saying, well, you really should use your hands and you really should, just guiding her gently and letting her know that pleasure is her birth rate. You support her having more pleasure and feeling good. And maybe you go shopping for toys together

and she packs out something that she's into. She loves that. I'll have to plan that in the air. Yeah, buy some sex positive books. There's some great masturbation books. There's one by, does she like to read at all? She loves reading. We have a whole bookshelf out of the frame here,

JR Ward's Stimulus. All right, but maybe she could get some books, like there's one called For Yourself by Betty Dotson about masturbation. So again, just maybe you could send her articles. There's just things she could learn about it, but it sounds like you're doing all the right things. I'm excited for your date night

and I'm excited for you to continue talking to her. And I'm really glad that you're just having sex and she's having pleasure. It sounds like you are too. So thank you for your call. I appreciate it, Damien. Thank you. Yeah, let me know how it goes.

I'll be here. Have a good one. You too, bye Damien. Thanks a lot. All right, remember that we have to continue to have conversations with our partners about sex and about pleasure and about masturbation. And I think that it does,

it is a process of rewiring and undoing all of the negative messages that we get around sex that simply aren't true. We are meant to be sexual beings. Masturbation is part of being sexually healthy but being patient with our partners as they continue on their journey, you know, we're not all there. A lot of you listening to this show are really sort of at the forefront of this sex conversation. It's still very new for many people. The majority of people have never talked about sex or masturbation. They haven't even challenged their beliefs around sex or masturbation. So they're like, what do you mean? It's okay. I mean,

and I understand that. So we just have to meet people where they're at, continue to support them on their journey, share this episode with them. If you think there's something in here that could be useful, that's how a lot of people find the show and just thank you all for listening and being willing to have these conversations like Damien is with his wife. So we've got Lacey, 25 from Kentucky. Hi Lacey, what's going on? Hi, I recently met a guy online and we hit it off pretty instantly so we scheduled a day and a time to meet for a date. And we went on that date, and it was amazing. We got along so well to the point

that he was talking about a long-term commitment and a relationship. And by the end of the night, he was even saying crazy things, like he was falling for me and saying things to me that made me believe he was really all in. So that night we had sex and from my experience, the sex was really great. Now I'm unsure of his experience of the sex, but the following day we exchanged a few text messages, thought it was normal.

Well the next day, he was completely unresponsive, so I learned that I had actually been blocked. So from my perspective, either he was a liar the whole time and just telling me the things that I wanted to hear in order to have sex with me or he was telling the truth on the date and after the sex either the sex is bad or something and he decided not to talk about that with me so the whole situation has obviously left me with lots of questions but regardless of the situation it just has made me feel like what's the point of putting myself out there or going on dates and doing things like this if

these are kind of my options I'm left with either someone who will you know lie to me to just have sex with me or someone who's unwilling to be vulnerable after so. Wow. Very well said. And I'm so sorry that happened to you. And I can imagine that your mind is jumping to all these places. Like, why did he ghost? Why did he block me?

What did I do? Like, what's wrong with me? Am I a terrible lover? But I have to tell you that this guy sounds like, you know, telling you that he's falling in love with you and he's putting out the moves and the fact that you felt so comfortable with him. He sounds to me like he's a professional player, knows how to get

women to do what he wants and that is to have sex and the fact that he blocked you and it was aggressive and you barely you didn't know him. To me it has nothing to do with you but also you'll never know. That's also the truth and we have to remember that we'll never know and when we get ghosted and we've all been ghosted or you know we've had people disappear, of course we obsess. But I think it was one night, they say it takes half your time dating someone to get over them.

So this guy deserves like half a day. But it sounds like he's taken up a big portion of your time thinking about him and what I do wrong. And I think what it sounds to me was a little bit of love bobbing, as we call it, when they just come on really strong and they make you feel safe and they look into your eyes and they do all the right things.

I mean, I can't imagine that it was anything that you did. And if it even was again, you won't know, but the fact that he blocked you is so aggressive and you had a great night and he slept over. I mean, how old is he too? Is he in his twenties as well? It's no, he's a grown ass man. He's 34.

34. I just think we gotta move on from this. When did- Yeah, definitely. I feel more logical about it now that it's been a few more days, but he did send me a text a few days later. So apparently he unblocked me to send the text

and said something along the lines of, look, sorry for being a jerk, I've got to work on myself, I wish you the best of luck. Okay. So I didn't respond after that. Love bombing is something that I have not experienced before. Yeah, I know. It's tricky to catch because it feels so good.

Someone seriously pouring the most delicious cocktail of love hormones all over you, like dopamine and serotonin and all the things. It feels so good to feel adored by somebody and to feel that connection. And it's hard to spot. You're like, maybe this is real, I feel this too. And then you're bam.

So I think anytime someone says they're falling in love with you, or maybe even having sex so quickly, maybe that's just something that you're gonna wanna wait on a bit. Cause I always think like, I'm not one who has rules like three date rule and all that stuff. Some people can just be like,

I just wanna have sex and I'm gonna have sex tonight, I don't care what happens. If that's you and it feels good, great. But for many of us, I wanna get to know the person a little bit and maybe I'm, I love that I'm feeling attracted to this person, but let's see what happens the next time I see him. And it's really hard to have anticipation

and to like get excited to see someone next. It feels like trying to find the balance of like being vulnerable and open and sharing and knowing when to read the red flags. Right. I think that anytime someone moves really fast or they're saying they think they're falling in love and even having sex right away, I don't know. I get there's just as many stories like, well, I had sex with my partner on the first date we've been together 20 years. You hear just as many of those stories so

again if there's a reason why you have to right away but I just wait get to know someone especially after the situation as you feeling so tender so what and you've had experience in the past though that have been positive with partners good sex experiences okay I think anybody who's grown can make their own decisions as long as it's consensual. Feel free to do whatever you want to do. But I don't have sex super often. You know, it is, I think it just got caught up in the love bombing nature of it and the feel good euphoria of it.

But I think it has taught me a little bit about how to myself and how quickly to move in the future. Yeah, luckily you're pregnant, you can get an STD, like the sky's blocked, it's out of your life and all of these things are lessons. Definitely. Yeah, I love it. Well thanks for having me.

Of course, I'm here for you. Thank you. Bye. So a lot of times we have to think about rejection can be protection, which is a great way to reframe it. We get ghosted for so many reasons we will never know why and typically it's never even about us. And if it is about us too, great that's not your person. It doesn't mean that you're flawed, that you're a terrible person, that you're never going

to find love again even though our minds love to go there and create some drama that's just going to keep us on down and under for so long. It doesn't have to be that way. So remembering to pay attention and to go slow, if that's right for you. I even recently got love bombed in the last few years. I mean, same thing happened to me and I'm a professional. I was like, but it feels so good. And we were at a connection and I'm like, it must be real.

And parts of it are real. Sometimes we talk about it in the moment that we feel really good about something. But again, we're responsible for our own behavior, our own judgments, pay attention to yourself and just try to move on as quickly as you can and learn the lesson. And don't use it as another way to beat yourself up

that there's something wrong with you. But just use it as a resource to learn more about the kind of partners you want to date and get back out there. We have Rachel, 25 from North Carolina. Rachel, tell me everything. What's going on? Yeah, I'm getting back into the dating world and it feels very foreign now, which it didn't used to. So I was just hoping, wondering what your advice would be in terms of starting to date and have partnered sex again.

Are you starting to date again or it just feels like you're not ready or have you had a situation? No, I have been. Okay. Yeah. So had a situationship, fell apart, and then, you know, worked on myself throughout the past year and now I'm starting to date again, been seeing a couple guys, but you know, it just feels strange.

I know, okay, so talk to me more about what feels strange to you. What is happening exactly? I just got really used to like being by myself. I live alone, just my dog. And so now it's not only like getting to know somebody again and having to be like my public self, but also the like starting to have partner sex again,

like what if I forgot how to do it? I have to say it is like riding a bike. I don't think that you're gonna forget out of partner sex, but I do get what you're saying. I'm feeling that too, is going out socially. It's a lot to get ready and go out and like to manage conversations all around. Like it's, we all sort of got out of practice.

So we also have to have compassion for ourselves and be kind to ourselves and understand that like it's just an interesting time and I'm sure that probably the people that you're dating are in the same position as you and that might be now I'm thinking about really interesting conversation to have with someone saying how is it for you because right now I'm feeling like this is a new muscle I got to build again. Yeah, I haven't thought of that. I'll have to try asking. Yeah, I think that the more real, and that's the vulnerability that we all talk about

is like that's such a vulnerable real moment is to say like, this is kind of weird. I got really used to me and my dog, it's a little awkward or what do you think? So I think that's the first thing is seeing if there's a commonality there. And I feel like you've been doing all the right things. You're listening to the podcast

and you said that you were pleasing yourself or you were masturbating been doing all the right things. You're listening to the podcast and you said that you were pleasing yourself, that you were masturbating and doing all the things. So I think the important thing is just to be honest and be having sex with people that you feel comfortable with that you are, are you starting to meet people online or when you're out, how are you meeting them? A little bit of both. And the situationship has like resurfaced

but just via text right now. And so I'm like stressed about being like yeah you can come over I don't know I'm do you want to see I forgot how to do it I do yes and no like I don't know that he's like relationship material but like bedroom material for sure what is that just have sex with him I don't think yeah was the going to forget. I forgot. Was the sex good before? It was good. Yeah. I think we were both pretty stressed and we were both kind of in our heads, but it was good and I think it could be better.

Okay. Even just saying like, oh wow, I haven't really been with anyone or this is going slow and remembering to breathe and ground yourself. And I found that once we start to state what's really going on in our heads, whether it's insecurities or anxieties around things, that it clears it. It doesn't become as much of like, I have to act a certain way and I have to show up a certain way. So I think that just being yourself and so how was your and I'm also curious about your past relationships and your experience with sex and being with partners. Was that something that you had? Yeah, it was like really easy and I definitely like never really had any apprehension around

it but now that it's been like so long and the situation Chip and I, we would use FaceTime and stuff like that and I feel like I got really good at that kind of like performance piece of it and now I'm like, how do I like go back to doing it in person? I just feel like I'm gonna look ridiculous or not be as good, because it's like, the muscle memory, is it there, is it not? It is. I think you don't forget.

I think that maybe for a moment, but the great thing I can tell you too, or something to remember, is that every time we're with a new partner, gives us an opportunity to create a new sexual relationship. What I mean is, if you are present and you're focused on that person, your chemistry, your energy together is going to create, you'll know what to do. It's like meeting a new friend or when you're like at work.

It's conversation skills. And so I feel like it's really about just being present, being seen, and also just letting them know that it might be a little bit awkward. But I think that it might be something that you're really worried about overly so, because I feel that it's going to be, I feel like you're going to be, you're going to be just fine because it's like, it kind of leave your body in some ways done in a good way. Like you sort of, I'm not, you leave your mind, right? You're not,

I think that when you're feeling that chemistry, that attraction with someone that I think it's different when you're performing or you're on FaceTime, it's like the lights and you can see yourself and it's a whole different, it's really easy to get in your head and be like this looks good, you know, but it's not as much like being with somebody and feeling them and touching them and smelling them and all the things. So I think like it's just such a carnal primal experience that you're just, I feel like you're going to be okay, know what to do. But if you're having anxiety about it, I would just share that. What helps me with anxiety the most is deep breathing, meditation.

Yeah, okay, I'll try just shutting my brain off. Yeah, exactly. And maybe talking to him first. Being present and talk, yeah, exactly. Well, here's the other thing when you said that you just want him to come in and start having sex right away, is that really what you want?

Maybe that's what you had with him in the past, but is that really what you want now? Are you looking for a relationship? No, I think that's like where some of the anxiety comes from is now it's, oh, I wanna hang out and talk first and like maybe go slower than we had in the past. Okay, so this is it.

This is what I was feeling. I actually wanted to circle back to this because you said he's just gonna come over because you wanna have the sex. But I think that maybe don't have him come over. I was thinking, well, meet him at dinner. Go to a, you never got to do that before. Just because it's like, I had a situationship as well,

and it's no longer happening, but it was all about being in my house during the pandemic and having sex and it ended for other reasons. But the last thing I wanted to do is see him in my house. I'm like, we couldn't go out then. We couldn't go to dinners. We couldn't go to movies. We couldn't go to concerts.

So I think if it's time to test, if you actually wanna be with this guy, because I think if you have a dinner, or you go to a show, or you do something together, you'll already feel more comfortable. But I think it's at like, boom, I'm here. Like if someone just showed up my door now and wanted sex, I'd be like, I don't know, I'm not even ready for that.

You know, it's just, even in day to day life. So I think going easy and stating your needs right now and saying, this is what I need right now, I'm not looking just to hook up and say it however you want, but say, I thought we'd get some dinner first. I thought we'd go for a walk first. I thought we'd, you know, I think that you'll feel comfortable because I think it's this particular situation that's making you feel like you got to perform and it doesn't tell you it's what you want anymore. Anyway. Yeah, I think that might be it. I'll try. Maybe next time I hear from him, I'll just be like, how about we go for drinks first?

Yeah. See if you actually like this guy outside of your apartment. Yeah. It's our room. That might be the problem. Yeah, I think so. That's what's going on. I know.

Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you so much for calling in. I appreciate it. Yeah, of course. Thank you for sharing. Of course. Thank you.

Bye. Bye, Rachel. A lot of us have so much anxiety, just anxiety in general, and usually it's fear, like false evidence appearing real. We are so afraid of being rejected or that we're not going to show up right or we're going to do something that's just embarrassing. And I just think that learning to, number one, breathe, like I said, God, you guys, it's a game changer when you really breathe deeply.

But also, learn to ask for what you want and really drill down, what is my fear? Talking to Rachel, it's like she actually didn't want what he was proposing. Like, I think I used to go, people-pleasing, I'm nice, everyone likes me. But the truth is, it's really a manipulation to get people to like you. So you might as well just state what you want and let partners know. If you want to have dinner first, have dinner. And I want to say this, you guys, remember just because you even agree to sex and someone shows up at your apartment

and you're ready to have sex at your house and you change your mind, that's okay too. You're allowed to say, you know what? I was feeling like I was in the mood for sex, but I'm actually not. I'm hungry, you want something to eat? Like totally okay to switch. And I think as a woman, I never thought that was okay.

I was very much raised like, well, I don't want him to get blue balls or I don't want this terrible thing to happen. But all of that is kind of bullshit. People can handle it. We're all adults and learning the practice of asking for what you want, stating it and standing up for yourself is invaluable,

whether it's in the bedroom or the boardroom. We're gonna take a quick break, but when I come back, I talked to Karina, who's having trouble dating after a toxic relationship. My heart goes out to everyone in toxic relationships just know there's hope and you can heal and move on. Be right back. Hi Karina. Hi Emily. Let me know what's going on. I'd love to help you. Yeah. So now I've been dating and trying to find a boyfriend for a few years now. And what's getting in the way of that is that I don't have the most sex positive attitude

as my first boyfriend. I was very emotionally dependent on and so I didn't stick up for myself. I had sex way too early and yeah, a lot of stuff happened which I didn't stick up for myself. I had sex way too early and yeah a lot of stuff happened which I didn't really want to and so I basically struggled a lot of times sticking up for myself and saying no to guys even nowadays and even though sometimes when I say no they still ignore it and yeah it's quite hard and yeah I'm working on that and but whenever I find a guy which I'm interested in and I don't want to overload them with my baggage and stuff and

It's hard to to to date if you're not in a positive mode the bus sex and stuff like that And yeah, ask the guys to wait a bit. They never seem to be interested in that Okay, have you ever talked with therapists about any of this stuff before? Yeah, I am in therapy. Good. Okay. I love that. I think especially as a woman, we are so not taught how to say no. We're taught that if we put energy out there to a partner and once we get started, we can't say no, because it's gonna upset them or we owe it to them. And that's a practice that we have to learn to say,

really be in our bodies and learn what our yeses are and our nos. Like I know that I live a lot of my life in my head, but when I learn to feel things like somatic experiences in my body and think, what am I actually feeling right now that our body tells us what is a yes and what is a no, but that's also a practice. Like I think that there's some men who will

not be interested in you if you say no, and they only want sex, but those aren't your guys. I think there are some that are gonna say, okay, I hear you, let's take all the time you want. I really want to get to know you. I'm wondering how comfortable you are showing up in relationships as yourself right now and sharing parts of yourself. I think that they will be interested in what you have to say.

Yeah. Tell me more about your experience with that. On dating app and Hinge, not Tinder because Tinder for us is not people is not the good one in my experience. And I tell them right there, like, I'm not interested in the one night stand. And there are some guys who take it seriously and some still trying to like have sex on the first date. It's like, it doesn't need to be a one night stand. And it's like, that's't need to be a one night stand. And it's like, but that's not what I'm here for, you know? I was like, I want to get to know you first and some take it more positive, but in my experience, maybe 5% of the guys like who I talk to are willing to wait longer than three

days. Wow. Okay. Because you're doing the right things here. You're stating what you need, which I love. I'm trying to think of how we can reframe it. So by saying I'm not interested in one night stands, what are you interested in? Maybe we flip that and say, I'm actually interested in getting to know someone. I'm interested in a relationship. I'm interested in, and then just sort of,

I think when you state that's more positive than like not a one night stand, and then also this is the thing, there's like such a nuance to this, but there's a big difference between a no and a not yet. We don't really know how to calibrate that. Like I think that sometimes maybe I, for example, you might be with someone and you're making out

and it feels really good and that feels good. You really like the making out or the kissing or maybe they have their hand on your breast, but then they start to go down your pants and you think, wait, I really liked the making out. So it's a practice thing, you know what? Stopping and saying, you know what? Can we just go back to kissing?

I was really enjoying that right now. I thought that was really hot and that's what feels right for me right now. But sometimes we don't know, we just say no and we shut it down. It's not just a hard yes or a hard no. That no sometimes can mean not yet, not right now. I'll see you next week let's go out again

i'm not there yet so using your words around what feels good to you hearing those phrases helps a lot because i'm struggling yeah with because it's i love intimacy i love cuddling and all of those things and that's maybe part of a relationship. And it's hard to like wanting that, but that most of the time leading to sex, which I'm not always ready for. And it was like feeling like I'm disappointing the other person and then leading them on or giving them false hope.

And I don't want to do that either. It's just. Absolutely. Again, it's okay to let someone down. And I don't even know that you are, but I think it may be as a pleaser, I'm a pleaser too, as somebody who wants to worry so much on people's feelings and like, oh, are they okay?

I've had a lot of sexual experiences where I look back and I'm like, I wish I, why did I do that? And I just did it because it was easier than saying no. So I'm just like, well, I'll just give them a blow job or I'll just have sex right now because it's easier than not. And the truth is I didn't know that it was okay to be like, this is not what I wanna do. Doing it in a way that's true to yourself. I think that would garner so much respect from men that just saying like,

I'm not into it right now or not getting yourself in situations where it is even intimate too fast. Like I pretty much know if I'm going back to a guy's house these days as an adult woman that they're going to expect sex is going to happen. And so I just won't do that if I'm not ready, or I'll just gauge the situation, start to let them know that I'm not interested in being sexual, or I really like cuddling.

Like I love cuddling, like it is my favorite thing. Like let's go watch a movie, like I just would love to cuddle. And like really, then you get to stick to that. If you said that, you get to stick to it. So I think it's you, you have to like practicing, stating what Karina wants and being your best advocate. Yeah. Amazing. Thank you very much for that.

Of course, of course. Nowadays it seems to be so not okay to not be comfortable with blow jobs. Everyone's like, Oh no, that's easy. Just give it, they'll be happy. And I'm like, I'm not comfortable with it. I'm like very picky with food already. Everything that's slimy is like that. I can't eat it. And for me, obviously also my first having to give a blowjob was forced and that also didn't help and stuff like that.

So is it okay to say as a woman, I don't wanna do that or is it like? Yeah, it's all okay. It's all okay to say I don't wanna give a blowjob. And I would also look at like this fear. I think that you had someone force it on you. It's like, you know, our people, anything is forced on us. We automatically don't want to do it. But especially when it comes to sex, your early memories around blowjobs was that it's a forced thing. You weren't even giving a moment to enjoy it. And so I think when you're with a trusted

partner and you're in a relationship with somebody or someone that you just even just fits trust and say, I had a bad experience, like being honest, like I had a bad experience with this and I'm open to kind of experiencing again, but I need to go slow. So maybe you just look at the penis and you like lick it, you get my hand job, but you're still, you get closer to it. But I think saying I don't blow jobs,

I'm never gonna give one. Because I hear from women 20 years older than you who still feel that way because of an earlier experience and I don't blow jobs, I'm never gonna give one. Because I hear from women 20 years older than you who still feel that way because of an earlier experience and I don't want that to be you. Maybe you don't like it. Like maybe you will not like it and you're like it's gross, I don't like it. But I feel like you didn't, unfortunately,

you had an abusive situation where you didn't get to make that decision for yourself and I don't want that to dictate your future about anything with sex. That's why I asked about therapy and there's a lot of like trauma work, like EMDR therapy is a great therapy. People who specifically focus on this kind of work

so you no longer are getting triggered in that way. I would just say be open to it, but you know, I understand why it's a no, but also saying I'm willing to explore my yes, but I'm not there yet. I think you still get to decide. It sounds like it's been complicated from your earlier experiences.

Yeah. So I think you could just present like I'm here and I'm learning. I had some experience in the past, but I'm being present with you and I'm with the next partner and I'm willing to learn, but I really need to go slow and have really great communication. I want to talk about things. I want this to be consensual. I want to know what you like. I want to know what I like. And this is why,ensual. I want to know what you like. I want to know what I like and this is why. Being honest. It sounds amazing. Okay, good. Well, thank you for your question. Let me know how it goes, okay? I will. Okay, thanks Karina. Have a great night.

Thanks Emily. I really like this call because I think Karina is really open and a lot of us need to remember your no could be a not yet. And getting that specific is so helpful because sometimes it's even like with initiating sex, sometimes we say no and we don't tell our partners well, I'm not in the mood for sex right now, but I can't, let's have sex in the morning or let's have sex tonight. And I think that being greater communicators around our desire and around what we actually want, as opposed to what we don't want, is important. And working on any traumas or fears we have around things is also important because they do stick with us

for a lifetime. And especially if you had abuse or trauma in a relationship, it's really important. But I just wanna let everyone know that you don't owe anyone anything. You don't owe them sex, you don't owe them blowjobs or oral sex, and the more we can really pay attention to what our true yeses are and our true no's and then

learn to be our best advocates, the more likely we're going to find healthy relationships and have our healthiest sex lives ever. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or a partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X and Facebook all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good emails, so sign up at SexWithEmily.com.

And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you want to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to SexWithEmily.com slash Ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at SexWithEmily.com.