Sex With Emily - Sexy Bonding Hacks

Episode Date: February 14, 2025

How do you kickstart sexual arousal? Would you believe me if I told you that sometimes, the best ways to get turned on have nothing to do with sex itself? When you take the focus off the bedroom, and turn your focus toward adventure – the kind that gets your heart-pumping, your adrenaline going, and your anticipation building – a cool thing happens in your brain. You’re excited, and that excitement spills over from the activity into…sex. Pretty nifty, right? So on today’s show, we’re going to trust, touch, and titillate our way towards arousal, with bonding hacks you can use on your next date whether it is with a long term partner or someone new. Plus, I take your questions! Ways to feel confident and sexual again after a breakup, how to have kinky sex with a partner who says they aren’t interested, how to decide if you should wait to develop a relationship with a super busy person or cut em’ loose, how to take sexy pictures with each other, and how to communicate your needs efficiently outside the bedroom so that you can reignite the spark when you’re back inside. In this episode, you’ll learn: Sexy bonding hacks that build trust, boost intimacy, and turn you on How adrenaline-fueled dates like rock climbing or karaoke make you hotter for each other The fix for mismatched kinks, low libido, and getting your sex life back on track Show Notes: Buy The Smart Sex New Paperback Cover Now! Join the SmartSX Membership: Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. Yes! No! Maybe? List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides.  SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website  Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok | Threads | YouTube Let’s text: Sign up here Want me to slide into your email inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com

When you have an adventure together, you're not only going to give yourself something to talk about on the way home, but you're flushed with that exercise high. And you can use that for sex, especially since your brain is associated that exciting activity with the person who joined you. It's like foreplay. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So how do you kickstart sexual arousal? Would you believe me if I told you that sometimes the best ways to get turned on have nothing to do with sex itself?

When you take the focus off the bedroom and turn your focus toward adventure, the kind that gets your heart pumping, your adrenaline going, and your anticipation building, a cool thing happens in your brain. You're excited and that excitement spills over from the activity into sex. Pretty nifty, right? It's kinda cool.

So on today's show, we're gonna trust, touch, and tiddle it our way towards arousal with bonding hacks you can use on your next date, whether it's with a long-term partner or someone new. Pose or take your questions. Ways to feel confident and sexual again after a breakup. How to have kinky sex with a partner who says they aren't interested in any kink at all. How to decide if you should wait to develop a relationship with a super busy person or

just cut them loose. How to take sexy pictures with each other and how to communicate your needs efficiently outside the bedroom so you can reignite the spark when you're back inside. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the podcast. It just helps get the podcast out to more people like you. You can find us on all social media.

It is at Sex with Emily. And don't forget to check out my new articles, Valentine's Day Gift Guide, The Ultimate Pleasure Journey and Penis Enlargement, Emily and don't forget to check out my new articles Valentine's Day gift guide the ultimate pleasure journey and penis enlargement what works what doesn't and what's actually safe on our website sexwithemily.com. I want to let you know that the paperback of my book Smart Sex is now out in bookstores in the US and if you live in the UK my book was just released January 30th. More places coming soon but check out Smart Sex if you're a the UK, my book was just released January 30th. More places coming soon, but check out SmartSex.

If you're a paperback person, check out the paperback. You're gonna love it. It's been an incredible journey with book and now the paperback is so exciting. Also wanted to mention my membership community, SmartSX, that we launched in September and it's just been an incredible community of people coming together to share, to grow, to support each other, to have accountability in our desires to have better sex. I bring in some of the leading experts in the world to teach, you know, a few times a month. It's just a wonderful community. We're exploring and learning so much about ourselves,

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sex life more passionate, all that. But I'm going to be honest with you, sometimes arousal is a little indirect. It's not always just like throwing some lingerie light a candle and let the sex begin poof We're excited Often we have to work with our own brain chemistry beforehand to create an aroused state of mind so we can actually ground in the moment and be turned on only Then can you use that energy with your partner to have the heart-pumping sex you all crave.

And I know you do. So before we get into your questions, I want to break down sexy bonding activities along three themes. Trust, titillate, and touch. Let's do this. So number one, we have bonding activities centered on the idea of trust. This is where you're gonna have to get a little bit vulnerable. You're stepping out of your comfort zones and in so doing you're witnessing a new side of each other. Let me give you some

specific examples. You're going out to dinner with your partner and you take one of those question card games along with you like Esther Peral's Where Should We Begin or like Serena Kerrigan's card deck Let's F***ing Date. Both these women by the way are friends on the podcast. So here's some example questions and you'll see what I'm talking about. What's one thing you've wanted to say to me but haven't yet? Or if you were a soup what kind of soup would you be? See these aren't all such tough questions they're just fun questions to get the conversation started. So you can make these games as deep or lighthearted as you want,

but the point is you're sharing, you're opening up. And for a lot of us, that's exactly what we need to feel turned on. Think about, when we see things like, I don't feel connected to you, and I don't feel like you see me, and I feel like all we're doing is talking about work or the kids.

It could just be a fun card game like this that makes you feel turned on and connected, but you need to have these conversations to get there. But you can also try something equally vulnerable. And in my opinion, super brave, like karaoke. Okay, think about it. When you step up to the microphone, you're probably a little bit nervous

unless you're already a professional singer, in which case, congrats. I would love to come back as a singer in my next life. But that adrenaline is going to start pumping a bit and that's precisely what we're trying to generate for arousal. Now speaking of adrenaline, we're about to get into some more adventure date ideas, but I also want to say here that you don't need to feel pressure to do something that's truly uncomfortable for you in the name of arousal.

If karaoke sounds like a shame trap for you, skip it. Try out a trust-based date idea that lands just a bit on your comfort's edge and you'll reap the same benefits. All right, moving on. Let's talk titillating bonding activities. Okay, these are your adventure dates, your fitness activities, anything that gets you moving. And here I just want to read you a few sentences from Emily Nagoski's amazing book, Come As You Are. I recommend it to everyone.

Do whatever excites you. Whatever literally gets your heart beating faster. You'll experience general arousal and your brain will notice your level of excitement. Notice the person you're with and decide, hey, I guess this person is really exciting. So think physical excitement here. Rock climbing, hiking, going to a yoga class, zip lining, axe throwing, all of it. Even something as simple as going on a walk or run together. Point is, we're using our nervous system in an intelligent way by juicing ourselves with just the right amount of adrenaline, which by the way

is also released during sex. So when you have an adventure together, you're not only going to give yourself something to talk about on the way home, but you're flushed with that exercise high. And you could use that for sex, especially since your brain is associated that exciting activity with the person who joined you. You feel me? It's like foreplay. It is foreplay. I mean, how many movies have you seen where someone's hanging off a cliff and the hero pulls them to safety and the next thing you know they're making out? Same logic. All right, finally, the last one, number three, touch bonding.

Ooh, I love this one. Well, these are your more sensual, intimate dates based on skin contact. Now, hugging and other forms of non-sexual touch cause your brain to release oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and that's perfectly fine, beautiful even. But again because we're talking about arousal, we're looking for touch-based activities that gets you a bit excited. In addition to adrenaline though, we're also interested in

activities that promote serotonin, one of the first chemicals to get released in the sexual response cycle. So a few proven touch activities that release serotonin include massage, lava massage, going dancing together, even something slow and sensual like yin yoga done with a partner. But we can also take these ideas directly into the bedroom and fire up your nervous system when we mix it with a bit of psychology.

All right, bondage for example. Okay, you're tied up or you're feeling the restraints. Maybe you have an eye mask on and you can feel that too. You feel it on your eyelids. You can feel that you know that you can't see. There's one sense that's taken away but your focus is sharpened because we take away one sense. Your body's focused on the physical sensations so you're not looking around the room because your eyes are closed, your eyes are covered. And maybe you're getting a rouse precisely because you're not in control. Also temperature play works too. Like a body safe candle being dripped on your body like a massage candle.

Now that's an adrenaline, serotonin, one-two punch right there. So again, I want you to think about ways you and your partner can create an aroused state of mind through novel bonding activities. And by the way, these are ideas you can use for any relationship, not just with your lover. You could do trust activities with a friend. Hell, they even do it in workplaces. There's all those trust exercises places you can go. That's why it's bonding.

You can do utility activities with a friend, maybe touch too, you know, depending on the friend. It's all about brain and nervous system hacks that we can use to our advantage, that we are in control of to create excitement and bonding. You got it? You ready?

Alright, on to your questions. This is from Daisy, 27 in Canada. Hey Dr. Emily, my male partner and I seem very incompatible sexually. I'm very kinky and I've experienced many kinky things like impact, breath play, bondage, to name a few, and some of my preferred. But my partner is not interested in treating his partner this way." He says he's open and willing to explore and I am willing to negotiate quite a lot of my interests.

But at the end of the day, I will always enjoy a little pain for pleasure and being dominated and I don't think he will ever be comfortable giving that. The rest of our relationship is really great and not being together doesn't feel right. But we are having trouble finding a middle ground and the repeated conversation has been more harmful than helpful to our sexual relationship and makes it harder to get excited about our sex life. How can we figure out how to both receive pleasure without making sex stressful? Or are we just too incompatible and this will be a deal breaker? Thank you so much. All right, Daisy, thank you for your question.

I think what you're asking here is something that is just so important to understand that a lot of couples are incompatible. Like what you want sexually just isn't working. And it's been harder to maybe communicate about what it is or how to find common ground. Like let's say everything else is great, but you guys aren't on the same page sexually. What do you do?

Well, first in reading this, you said that your partner's not interested in, in quotes, treating his partner this way. Well, what I reading this, you said that your partner's not interested in, in quote, treating his partner this way. Well, what I hear here by reading that is that it sounds like you need to have a deeper conversation about what it is exactly you want. What turned you on? What does kinky mean to you?

You know, it's so subjective and he might have seen something like 50 Shades of Grey or been like, oh, I've seen porn where the woman's like tied up and she's trying to find out for the rafters and she's being spanked and she's doing all these things and that looks really, really awful and I can't handle that. It's so extreme. But what I think would be helpful, Daisy, if you took some time with him and you said, here's what I'm actually thinking. Let me show you what turns me on. Let me walk you through a scenario from beginning to end. Let me show you some porn. Let me read you some erotica

that really depicts the kind of sexual relationship that turns me on. Now, he says treating as part of this way, he's got some interpretation of it, meaning I am being disrespectful. If I dominate a woman, it means that I am no longer a feminist, it means, you know, my whole life I was raised trying to treat women well, you know, and now you're telling

me that I gotta spank you and hurt you. It's almost like his brain does not compute that pleasure and pain are so deeply connected for many people. And he's just off in the, I'm going to hurt you. This is going to be bad. I could end up in jail or my morals are shot. It's not who I am. This isn't that easy.

It's not like you just explained to him and he goes, oh, I get it. Now I'm going to be fine with it. But there's some nuance here. There's some time that would be really be helpful. And you really hearing him out and him hearing you out and saying, listen babe, I love everything about our life and these things about our sex life really turns me on.

But I found that being a little bit kinkier, having someone spank me, having someone pull my hair is really core to my arousal. And it really allows me to feel the most sexual and the most expressive that I can be. And I'm wondering if you'd be willing to work with me on figuring out ways that you could get around this. This would be something that would also turn you on if you see that it's giving me so

much pleasure. And alternatively, I'd love to have a conversation about what turns him on. Remember, this can go both ways as it should go both ways. Perhaps you could check out our Yes, No, Maybe list on our website, which I'm just going to recommend in every episode because the Yes No Maybe list is a golden opportunity for so many couples to look at all a range of sex acts and see are they a yes, are they a no, are they a maybe. I mean, what really turns him on? If he's really going to be able to come on board and help you, wouldn't you love to become a great lover to him? I'm sure you would. Now he might be someone who's

like, I have no fantasies. Everything you're doing is great. And you know, I talk about this a lot in the show as well. A lot of us just don't have rich fantasy life. It just never occurred to us or we're very by the book or we think it's not okay to fantasize or we were shamed out fantasizing. There's a lot of thing that goes into it here. Most people, in my opinion, need to develop better language about communicating about their sex life. And once they do, once they get through the hard part and the awkwardness and uncomfortability,

they'll realize that, oh, this is actually just like figuring out where we're going for dinner or how we're gonna raise our children. It just takes a little bit of patience, a lot of listening and a lot of care with someone that you trust. Figuring out your turn-ons together, describing him to what

kink means to you and walking him through it and maybe you're doing the yes no maybe list and playing together might really help you guys bond. Now if he's just nope I'm not thinking about it la la la la you're talking and I can't hear you I don't want to do anything sexual or kinky then maybe you have your answer. But I think there's a few more steps here that we can really find out if he's gonna be the partner that can go the sexual distance with you. Thanks for your question, Daisy. This is from Keith, 41 in Ireland. Hi, Dr. Emily.

I am married eight years now, together eight before that. Sex was never mad adventurous, but it's really annoying me now because she won't talk about it. I've tried buying her a vibrator, I've tried porn, massages, she likes none of the above. I want more but I don't want more with anyone else. I love my wife and want the adventurous sex with her but she doesn't seem to want to

open up at all. She says she isn't into masturbating and she doesn't feel the need for it. She only does it because I like it. I feel stuck and don't know what to do. Alright Keith. Now remember that talking about sex is a practice. Sure, the act of sex is also a practice, but hear me out. Let's say that for eight years, you've been living with an elephant. You and your wife, there's been an elephant in your house and you've both seen the elephant. You made for it it even gets used up half the backyard and sometimes maybe it sleeps in the garage and it's always

around however never once never once has either of you said hi elephant or maybe someone should pick up this elephant dung right no one mentions it but the elephant's there then one day out of the blue one day you say maybe we should name him like let's let's name this elephant like Babar. And remember, you've never ever spoken a word about this elephant. It was like he wasn't really there, but he obviously was because you saw like remnants of him,

right, like he pooped on the house. Well, your wife's first reaction to that might be confusing. Like, who is this Babar? And then once she's on board, she might wanna have her stake in the ground and say, well, I was thinking we could call him Dumbo. And my point is, is a shock to the system to never talk about sex, even though it's always there.

That the sex is always there, you know, you're having sex. And then boom, out of the blue, we have to talk about it, we have to solve it, we have to make it great. And oh, guess what? It was never that great in the past. Well, that's a lot of pressure. So what I'm saying is she won't talk about it, right? And you're bringing it up, but it's always there.

And so she probably knows it's there, but if you've brought it up after 16 years just recently, and she's like, whoa, now we're gonna talk about it, and you want me to do porn, and you want me to do massage, I don't know what that is, but there might be reasons why she hasn't wanted to be sexual lately, and she was happy that things were coasting long.

And so we got to dial this back. We got to say, our sex life is really, really important to me. And I hope it's important to you as well. And I know we've been together a long time, but I'd love to just kind of start from the beginning. Maybe we could figure out what our turn-ons are and I'd love to know what turned you on. Maybe you could say to her, what are the three most memorable times we've had sex? And let's each write it down and then swap it, you know, sex with each other. And there's so much information that can come from these lists because maybe you'll find out

the three most memorable times were, you know, one time you surprised her and made dinner and gave her a massage or maybe it was a time you were in the car and then you find out that she likes things sex that's kind of spontaneous. So there's a lot of information in that storytelling about your sex life essentially. And so I would try to dial it back and just say, when do you feel the most turned on?

What does turn you on or what can we do together? And remember it's up to both of you then you can share some of your fantasies. Again I'll recommend the yes no maybe list. A lot of couples listen to my show together. I can't tell you how many couples I talk to say thank you for your show because we listen together because it helps couples have this conversation about sex which I get is so painful for so many of you. You'd rather live with an elephant taking up your space than actually talking about it. But once you talk about it and you name it

and you get into the conversation, you realize it's actually really, really important. Couple sometimes think it's only sex, it's not a big deal, everything else is great. But listen, if there was no sex happening, then you're roommates. When sex is a problem in the relationship, it takes up about 90% of your worries. But when it's not a problem in the relationship,

maybe it's 10% and you're just thinking about like, when are we gonna have it again? And everything's great. But I find that most couples fall into the larger range of problems around sex simply because they don't talk about it. So I want you to kind of get out of your own way here because you sound really frustrated, which I get it. She won't talk about it, but maybe it's the way you're bringing it up. Maybe it's, you know, we got to like peel it back and say, I realize maybe I bring these things up, babe,

and it's turned you off, but I think that we can both agree we want to be great lovers to each other. Now, she might say, I never want to talk about it and I don't care about our sex life. Well, then you have more information. Then you can say, well, tell me more about that. And remember you guys, saying, tell me more about that

and getting curious is probably the best advice I could ever give you. Because what we do is, and this goes for friends and lovers and work, we get so defensive, we get so in our heads that we can't even hear what the person's saying. So it is a practice to also say, tell me more about never wanting to talk about sex. Tell me more sweetie about never wanting to have sex. Cause then you get to

listen and she's like, well, I don't really mean I don't ever want to have sex, but it's the way you bring it up makes me feel bad about myself. I mean, think about it. Typically the reason why we get so defensive is because it makes us feel bad. Nobody wants to be defensive, but it's because someone triggered something in us and we feel insecure. So that's why we have to listen and go, okay, hmm, tell me more about that. Should we all just practice that right now? Now, I'm also going to say if she says to you, I hear what you're saying, I do not want to talk about sex. I don't want to invest in it. If I never had sex for the rest of my life, I'd be okay.

And you're just going to deal with that. Well, then we have something else to talk about because I would say your partner can't just opt out of sex. That's part of the commitment is that you're going to be connected intimately. And you know, I'm not, I don't just define sex as penetration, I define sex as intimacy, holding hands, kissing, touching, there's a lot of things.

But for her to say, nope, I'm not gonna work on our sex life, is essentially saying, I don't really care about our relationship and I'm not gonna work on our sex life, is essentially saying, I don't really care about our relationship and I'm just gonna just coast along here. So anyway, I don't think you're there yet. Let's practice the conversation.

Let's practice listening, Keith, and keep me posted and let me know how it goes. This is from Nikki, 26 in Florida. Hey, Dr. Emily. So I consider myself to be a pretty sexual person. For the most part, I've always had good, consistent and connected sex with my partners. I was dating this guy for about a year. For the first three months, the sex was good but not great and maybe once a week, which

was very little for me. I tried to connect with him and get him to open up, but that just made him put a bigger wall up which led to less frequent disconnected sex. He would rarely ever compliment me, make me feel wanted or initiate sex, which inevitably made me feel undesirable. Among other reasons, I broke up with him but I'm starting to worry that it isn't his insecurities and mindset on sex have brought me down. I'm ready to move on and go back to being my sexual self, exploring and growing. I've been putting myself out there but I wanted to ask your advice on what I could do to better myself and get myself back to feeling sexual and desire.

It feels great to flirt and go on dates but I want to do something for me that doesn't feel like I'm just filling a void that I was missing in my past relationship. I just don't want to turn this into me seeking out validation from other people. I masturbate regularly but is there something else I can do to help bring out the sexual side of me that I feel like I've been pushing down? Thank you so much for everything you do. You really help me so much." All right, Nikki, I really appreciate your question here.

It sounds like you are just really evolved and working on yourself and you know that that's just not how you wanna feel in a relationship. And so you're putting yourself out there, but then you also know yourself well enough to know, am I filling a void? You know, I don't wanna just go on autopilot and just start sleeping people to fill me up.

And again, that's a very evolved, emotionally intelligent way of describing the situation. So I'm not worried about you at all, Nikki, just saying. So first, here's a few tips. I just wanna remind you that you are not the words that your ex said to you. So let's just separate that for a minute. A lot of times we just hear voices in our head.

It could be from our parents, it could be from our exes, it could be from our bosses, it could be from our friends. And we somehow co-mingle that with our character and who we are. Like someone's shamed you about something and someone's made you feel bad and then all of a sudden we make it like it's true. But your past issues with him were more about his problems

you know, and his challenges than yours. He essentially wasn't having sex at the rate that you wanted, He was disconnected. He didn't compliment you. He didn't make you feel wanted or initiate sex. And all those things made you feel undesirable. And I'm not even saying that he's a bad guy. But what we've learned about you here, Nikki,

is that you actually need to be with somebody who makes you feel cherished, who adores you, who communicates, who shares your love language. It sounds like it's words. It sounds like you need someone to touch you and make you feel good. And there is no shame in that. So you're not even gonna be attracted

to someone going forward who doesn't do any of those things. Cause I can tell, I feel you Nikki. Like that kind of guy who's like, take it or leave it. Maybe I'll have sex with you tonight, maybe I won't. You'll deal with that for like three minutes in a future relationship, just so you know. So you're gonna have much better focus now, moving forward to meet healthier partners

who are gonna make you feel good. You had this pain, you had this learning experience, and now I want you to work on having the compassion for yourself, which is a tall order I know in a way, because you're like, oh God, self love, self compassion, but I'm telling you this works, it works. Because what you have to do is,

I'm asking you to rewire your brain right now. I'm asking you to fill your brain and your mind and your actions with thoughts and words and feelings that you're programming, not your ex. We got to like stamp him out. So journaling about how you want to feel writing like I am deserving of love and feeling good. And even like writing in the present tense as you already have it, journaling this or visualizing it. I love visualizing and saying,

wow, I'm with my new partner and he were in the bedroom. Like maybe when you're masturbating and you're picturing this person and he's going down on you and he's initiating sex. And how does he make you feel? Well, how does he touch you? What are the words that he says to you? That's a really fun, erotic game to play with ourselves.

And you guys also know I'm not making up visualization here in the power of manifestation, but when you feel something and you visualize it and you feel it and you can like smell it and taste it and hear it, it's way more likely for it to happen. So it's almost like you're acting as if, I mean, this is quantum physics.

It will show up. It will show up for you, okay? So what is your new partner like? What does it feel? And then the next part is, so we got some journaling, we got some visualization and the affirmations. I'm worthy of love. I'm deserving of a partner who loves me, adores me

and makes me feel special. And try to forgive yourself for being in a relationship like that. If there's any beating yourself up, eventually you're gonna have to forgive him because he just wasn't right for you. And once we can get rid of all that stuff that's holding us back,

negative thoughts about others bringing you down, feeling like you're not worthy, and you literally are plugging in visualizations, affirmations, journaling, maybe even therapy. If you feel like this is really, really like an anxious, toxic thought. All of these things are gonna help you move forward. So your next relationship that you're in

and it's gonna happen, Nikki, is gonna feel a lot more healthy, a lot more fulfilling and way more pleasure. Thanks for your email, Nikki. All right, everyone, we're gonna take a quick break, but when we get back, I'm going to answer an email from Chris who's wondering how to bring Spark back into his relationship.

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When was the last time you knew you needed to see a doctor, but you totally put it off? And maybe you thought, I'm too busy. It'll heal on its own, or I don't even know which doctor to go to I have been there It's overwhelming to go into an assurance and find the right doctor and booking an appointment just feels daunting But thanks to Zoc Doc there's zero reason to delay so get this Zoc Doc is a free app and website that makes it so easy to find and book high quality in-network

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I use this, you should too. So stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to zocdoc.com slash Emily to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's z-o-c-d-o-c dot com slash Emily. Zocdoc.com slash Emily. This is from Chris, 37 in Las Vegas. Hi Dr. Emily, my wife and I are newlyweds. Unfortunately for us, we're newlyweds with sex life problems. We had some relationship troubles in the past year or so prior to being married, which

certainly assisted in putting a damper on our bedroom fun. We did couples and individual counseling and our communication is in a better place now than it was previously. The downside is that our sex life has in no way recovered. Prior to getting married, we separated for a while and did our own thing. My then-fiance came in strong with the sexual playfulness. Your yes-no-maybe list was explored. Sending nudes, phone sex since I work away from home, some swinging, toys, she pulled

out all the stops. I had made a strong point that previously she wasn't meeting my needs physically, as physical touch and quality time. Those are my love languages, and also they're hers. I was clear that there needed to be a strong push in this area as it was important to me and she made it clear she was ready to deliver. And she did for about a month or so.

This awesome sex life we explored started to fade off a bit after she got a new job and it never recovered. We got married and it didn't even seem to be a big priority for our wedding night to the next few days. I visit home once a month or so and it barely seemed to be a blip on her radar. I brought it up and she agreed we should work on it. But now the language that comes up includes things like,

is that the kind of sex you wanted to have? Or I know our sex life is important to you. The thing is, I want it to be important to us. And the month or so when we were having fun and exploring, she started to say that I'd unlock something in her and now she's insatiable. These days, she seems 100% satiated to say the least. As a newlywed man, it's disappointing and concerning because it makes me feel like she might have been in a get-my-man-back mode previously and that could mean she wasn't as interested as she let on and that it might not be sustainable. Having a fun adventurous and exploratory sex life is

very important to me in a relationship. I'm pretty scared now that it's not going to happen. Bringing it up leads to tension. I don't know what to do or how to move forward. Any advice you can offer will be so appreciated. Okay, Chris, thank you for your email here. Now I wouldn't go into the I got my man back territory. The fact that your wife put in an effort in the past leads me to believe that she really wants to please you and she is invested. What I'm sensing here is a lack of consistency,

support and accountability. Listen, couples need each other to stay on track with their sex lives. She might be someone who's got caught up with her work and she doesn't have as much time to prioritize it. But if you put all the things in place for her, you know, like I'm going to make sure that we have vacation time together.

I'm gonna take you somewhere special. I'm gonna tell you to take off work on Friday night. I'm gonna pick you up and we're gonna do something great. We're gonna figure out together what kind of sex we wanna be having. You guys need each other for that. I mean, think about it. Like when I was hearing this

and maybe this is too close to home, but I was like, I need people to help me get things done in my life, right? Like I have my team and they help me prioritize. They help me focus on things and they help me meet my goals around work. So maybe I'm gonna give your wife benefit of the doubt that she actually does want to work on your sex life and

She wants to be a great lover and she wants to initiate do all the things But if she's working a lot and prioritizing work, it just may be hard for her to find the space because for some people It's really easy. Some people are great organizing. They know what they want They're super goal oriented like sex life is important to me and I'm gonna put it at the top But if she's someone who has a lot of other priorities, it just might be harder for her. You can try to work together. You can say we're in this together

rather than she's got initiate now or she's not, you know, I'm really afraid. You know, she's sensing that as well. So if you just roll this all back and you start with a new attitude and you say, you know, I realize that maybe I've been putting some pressure on you lately, but I just want to talk about going forward. We're married now.

Let's talk about ways that we want to show up for each other intimately. How amazing that you both share physical touch and quality time. Cause then you could say, you know, I've been thinking a lot about our love languages and since we both like physical touch, I thought we could take it a massage class and we could learn how to massage each other together. And we could have a date night, non-negotiable every week where we are for sure we have quality time together. Because I'll bet if you guys are both busy

leading your own lives, you probably haven't as much quality time together. And so that has to be something that is a non-negotiable in your relationship. We're gonna have our date night, we're gonna spend every Saturdays together, we're gonna make sure that every quarter we have a week long vacation together. See what I mean?

So this is really working and supporting each other. So you're both getting your needs met sexual and otherwise So let's reframe the conversation. Let's get you out of the like doomsday. This is not gonna work I'm really afraid and give her the opportunity to show up and the tools She might need to show up to be that lover to herself and to you tools she might need to show up to be that lover to herself and to you. So let's get rid of the fear and anxiety around it and let's get some practical tools so you guys can start working together and having amazing sex. You both deserve it. This is from Justin 40 in Texas. Hi Dr. Emily, my girlfriend and I have an almost two-year-old now and the first several months of our relationship

prior to her getting pregnant we were having frequent random intercourse and oral sessions mostly initiated by her which was amazing. Once she got pregnant and even now she's still breastfeeding which I know can impact libido, her drive has not been anywhere close to where it was. It went from four times per week to once a month maybe and she hardly ever initiates. There was a period of time where it was uncomfortable for her to have sex and that has slowly gotten better but now she feels like it's more of a job to her instead of something organic she truly enjoys and she doesn't want to disappoint me when she says no. What can we do to try to get back to more frequent sex and even her initiating from kind of time even if it's

just one time per week. All right, Justin, for two years now, you've been experienced sex way less frequently. It sounds like you understand that having a baby is gonna have an impact on it and just not where you want it to be. And you want the four times a week and you wanna initiate. I understand all of that.

What I wish is that when we have that first conversation, like that exciting conversation with our doctor, when we say we're having a baby, that after the doctor says congratulations, he says something like, okay, here's what you need to know about your sex life. Your sexual desire is gonna fluctuate throughout your pregnancy, you know, the next nine months.

Some women say the third trimester, they're like extra spicy and they want more sex, some not so much. But after you have the baby, it might take a year or so until you're both feeling sexual again. Oh, and don't expect random acts of oral, my wonderful patients, at all the first six months. In fact, maybe longer than that, maybe for a year.

Because now you have a baby and your baby's mom is breastfeeding. She's literally responsible for its life on a moment to moment basis. And your adorable beloved baby is hanging off her 24-7. So it's hard for the mom, just so you know this, to go to the bathroom, to shower, to eat, call her mom back. So when you walk in the door from wherever you were, she's not thinking how tasty it would be to go down on you. She's wondering if you have snacks. She's wondering if you can hold the baby for a second.

Well, she does something like empty the dishwasher, you know, or nap because she probably hasn't slept in days. I mean, all this to say the most important thing for a partner to someone who has given birth and who's breastfeeding and taking care of a child is to have a lot of compassion and a lot of empathy. And to bring it back to the topic of today's show, putting a lot of time into understanding your partner's desire language. What does she need to feel most in her body? What does she need to feel relaxed, closer to her pleasure rather than further away from

it? What really turns her on? Not just when you go down on her. What are the steps before the steps before the steps? What's her love language? I mean, maybe she wants acts of service. So maybe you're making the bed and watching the baby so she can exercise or walk outside or help around the house. I mean, maybe you already do this.

I'm just giving an example here. Maybe that's her foreplay. Or maybe she really likes touch and she would love if you drew her a bath and you helped her suds up and you, you know, gave her a massage afterwards. So once you figure out what she needs to get her nervous system calm so she's not in fight-or-flight and caring for the baby so she can just go, ah, I feel really good and in my body. She might get that inkling of desire back so you can both continue to fan that flame of connection

that you once had. I don't believe that your connection's gone. It's rather, how can you both better understand each other now as parents two years in, when your entire life where you could have sex four times a week, where you could have random acts of oral, all these things, it's no longer the case. And since again, we don't understand our desire cycles,

we don't know what actually gets us in the mood for sex, and furthermore, we don't wanna talk about it with fear of shaming ourselves, shaming our partners, we don't know what to say, and then we're mute, and then that doesn't bode well for any relationship, and that's why I do the show. That's why we're all in this together. So I would reel back, I would slow down a little bit,

Justin, and just, I know next date night, which can I just give this a shout out here for date night? It is so important for couples to have non-negotiable date night where it's literally like just as important as your baby's first doctor's appointment. It's as important as your doctor's appointment. It's important as Thanksgiving. And this is not just me. There are so many studies

that show that couples who have a non-negotiable date night every single week, not once a month, not when you remember, not when you feel like it because you won't ever feel like it. And it's without the kids. They set rules around it. Maybe they leave their phones in the car. They're not allowed to talk about their kids. They're not talking about work. And it's just about the two of you because remember your relationship as a couple, it requires nurturing. It requires an intense focus on the health of your bond and the health of your relationship. It requires commitment to your relationship to saying, we're going to be such better parents. We're gonna be better at our jobs. We're gonna be better at everything if we make

sure that our relationship is healthy. So I recommend that next time you guys are on date night you say to her how's it been going? Is there anything you need from me? How can I help you? How can I make you feel most in your body? You know I don't want to pressure you at all. You know where you guys have been together a while. Let's just open up the conversation get curious you're not gonna solve it in one date night but you know I think again this is just about the spirit of this show is getting couples both to be on board committed and contributing equal parts to the health of your relationship and your

sex life. Alright Dustin thank you so much for email and best of luck to you let me know how it goes. Keep me posted. This is from Matt, 35 in Michigan. Hey Dr. Emily, how do I get my wife on board for allowing me to take some sexy photos of her? I've done some boudoir shots of others before and would like to do some with my wife. I would consider myself a hobbyist photographer. Thanks.

Whenever people say things to me like how do I get my partner to, how do I get my partner over threesome, how do I get my partner to give me me like, how do I get my partner to? How do I get my partner to have a threesome? How do I get my partner to give me oral? How do I get my partner to let me take naked photos of her? I always think, well, you're not going to get your partner to do anything. To me, that just sounds sort of not that this is your intention, but it sounds like I'm going to do everything I can to get my way. But remember when we're talking about your intimate connection with your partner, it's about both of you. So both of you having your needs met and succeeding. So maybe what I'm hearing is maybe she doesn't really understand it.

Like why? So let's start with your why. Why do you want to take sexy photos of her? Is it because you enjoy the process of taking photos? Is it because you want to have something to look back on once you have these photos and you can share them? Is it something that you wanna do because you think it'll make her feel sexy to have photos?

And also what's in it for her? I mean, I don't know, she might be thinking, I don't love my body right now. I don't want anyone to ever see these photos. I don't feel very sexy. So having a deeper conversation about what it actually means for her to participate and for you guys to have this experience

of taking boudoir photographs together, understand where you're coming from and what's in it for her or what's not will really help you get what you want and get what she wants. I actually think that taking boudoir photographs together sounds kind of fun and hot. Like to be honest, if I was with a partner that I trusted and he said, I think it would be really sexy to watch you. I love taking pictures and I feel really in flow and I feel like my most confident self and you would be my dream subject

because I love watching you move and I love seeing you dress up in lingerie and let's go shopping and buy you some clothes that make you feel sexy and that turn you on. And maybe we can rent a hotel room for the day with a pool and we could go to a beach somewhere and take photos. Like give her the details about it. Like what is the, how does this day go down?

Are there snacks? Is there wine? Is there a babysitter? You know, again, and this goes for everything, right? This goes for your partner saying, I don't want to do anal, honestly. People oftentimes just say no to things because they don't understand what you are picturing.

Paint a story for her, paint a picture. And what's in it for her? Remember, I want to have anal. Sounds like it feels really good when I penetrate you. And all maybe your partner's heard to go off on anal is she's thinking or he's thinking, whoever, we all have anuses. Oh God, well, that's about you, but that's going to be painful. My anus is only for exiting. And all the things we talk about in all of our anal shows, which you can look at, we've got tons of anal shows and tons of anal blogs. I'm not gonna get off on that, but what I'm gonna say is,

we often just blurt things out to get out what our needs and then we feel rejected when we're not really explaining where we're coming from, why it's a core part of our eroticism, why it turns us on. And then remember, it's thinking about our partner. What's in it for them? What's in it for us? And then everybody wins. Okay? Thanks for your question, Matt. This is from Joanna 33 in Spain. Hello, Dr. Ebony. First of all, thank you so much for the show that I adore. It made my sex life a lot more

exciting and easier. I am finally dating again, but I feel like he never has time to meet me. I think that in these first few weeks, you really want to get to know the other person with no excuses, but for the first time in my life, someone keeps finding excuses, which seem legit. They're all work related, but still, I don't believe he's seeing other people and he told me he really liked me. I would like to know if I should wait, invest in this, or if this is a red flag. I think when we were young, there were no excuses, meaning that when you wanted someone, you would do anything. But nowadays, life gets in the way, and is it valid to keep people on hold or not?

Great question, Joanna, and I'm so glad you like the show and that it's made your sex life a lot more exciting. That's what I'm all about. So, listen, I'm going to hear her to validate you, Joanna. It is totally valid that you want someone who's into it, has the time. He might not have time right now. And it's totally okay for you to say to him, you know what, I'm really liking our connection. But what I'm looking for right now is someone who has time to invest in dating and getting to know someone. And it seems like we have, you know,

good vibes here. But if dating isn't a priority to you right now, I totally get it. But just let me know. It was really nice to meet you. Maybe our paths were crossed in the future. Rather than questioning it and worrying, is he going to get in touch? Is he not going to get in touch? I think the sooner we just say, you know what? I've learned a lot in my life and I've actually been like you and I've been in times where I wasn't prioritizing relationships. But right now it's a really important part of my life. I love dating and I love being in relationships. And that's what I'm looking for. So just let me know. I'm reading that maybe you're really busy with work

and all that, which is totally cool. And that this might not be the right time. So that's how I would deal with this one. But I don't believe in really waiting around that long for people to change, especially early on in a relationship. Remember, they're doing you a favor. People show you who they are pretty early on.

The issues you have on the third date, you're going to have forever. Unless someone really tries to change, if they're always late, they're not prioritizing you, they cancel, they don't pay, they're cheap, like all the things, people don't change that much. No, I'm not saying everyone's perfect. We all have things that show up on the third date, right? I'm not saying they're all deal breakers, but a red flag to me here is indeed him making you feel like you're not desirable.

And I don't think it's a younger, older thing. I think when maybe when we're younger, definitely we don't have as much. Worry, we throw caution to the wind. We're like, I could just date this person forever. I have all the time in the world. And maybe when we get older, we realize like we've learned a lot. We've been older relationships, no matter what age you are. We are, we can always find somebody who's on, no matter what age you are, we are.

We can always find somebody who's gonna be on the same page as we are. And a lot of dating is timing. Maybe he's amazing and he's a great guy for you, but the fact that he's not available right now means that he's just not. I've been there, I've been times where I meet someone great and I'll say, you know what?

I'm not actually gonna date the next few months because I am so busy with work. I don't have space or time to be a good partner. I don't have time to date someone right now, so I'm just taking it off the table, which is a huge relief for me not to have to think about dating. Can't tell you.

I was like, how nice to just focus on my friends and my health and work. Then I actually felt way more ready to get back to dating once I took that time. That's just a little public service announcement for everybody that you don't have to always be on this perpetual treadmill of trying to date. It feels really good dating off the table.

So just try that. You might like it. It gives you a lot of space. Cause then you're like, oh, should I be swiping? Oh, should I be out of the bar night? Should I go on this date? No, I'm actually not dating until Q1. I actually did that once.

I was like, I'm not going to date to the first quarter. It was very much our leaf. So anyway, Joanna, you're not in that position. You want to date right now. So the faster we move through people who aren't meeting our needs and they don't want the same goals, faster we'll move on to find people who do meet our needs and our goals. All right, Joanna. Thanks for your email. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook.

It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on sexwithemily.com, and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559-TALKSEX. That's 559-825-5739,

or just go to SexWithEmily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at SexWithEmily.com.