Sex With Emily - The Power of Solo Anal Play

Episode Date: August 6, 2024

Let’s talk solo anal. You may be looking around right now, wondering why anal play is so trendy, and thinking to yourself: “is this actually for me?” But before you jump into the anal deep end with a partner, I’ve got a pro tip: try anal with yourself! Tune in for your solo anal play primer, and keep listening to hear me answer all your booty Q’s. In this episode, you’ll learn: Discover the positive reasons to explore anal play on your own, regardless of your anatomy. Learn the truth behind common anal myths and misconceptions. Get detailed tips on toys and insertion techniques, from beginner to advanced levels. Show Notes: Yes! No! Maybe? Guide Try the LELO SORAYA Beads Today! (Use code "SEXWITHEMILY" for 25% off your order, exclusions may apply.) SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.

The second myth I see is that anal is a casual thing to ask for during sex. Hey, you down for anal? It's not. That's why I'm doing a whole episode on solo anal play. Now listen, certain porn may give you the impression that anal is just another sex act on the menu. They make it look so easy in porn, right? They're just like, oh my god, are they having anal?

How do they do that? But let's be clear about this. I am pro anal play if it calls to you and it's not something you can just roll over and do without any preparation. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. All right, it's solo anal time. I'm giving you reasons to try it even if you're skeptical, busting all those anal myths, giving you practical steps to explore no matter your genitals and answering all of your booty questions. Alright, let's play. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. Just do it right now. It takes you two

seconds and it really helps get the show out to more people and more sex positive people like you. You want to have better sex. You can also find me on all social media at Sex with Emily. If you're there, I'm there. My new article, Everything You Need to Know About Your Stress and Sex Type is up at SexWithEmily.com. Also, don't forget to sign up for my emails. You can find the link in the show notes. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. ["Magic Wand"] By now, you've probably heard my Magic Wand story. It's a brand that's been part of my personal journey for more than 20 years. But no matter how many times I sing Magic Wand's praises,

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Making Magic or visit makingmagicseries.com today. I want to talk about solo anal play today because here's the thing, everyone can enjoy it. And as time goes on, I am seeing more of you get curious about anal play, but then you're not exactly sure where to start, which I get. So there's great news about this. You can explore this sex act entirely on your own.

Now, maybe you're already totally down with anal stimulation and if so, that's great. I'm so glad that you are loving anal play. But for many people, it can take a beat just to get totally comfortable with it. And that's because psychologically, you're teaching your mind to receive a new set of sensations. And physically, you're also training this muscle group to relax into pleasure. There's like a whole lot going on with anal sex. There could be some stigmas, there's some shame around it. There's a lot. So today I'm going to discuss great reasons

for you to try solo anal, myths around anal that I'm gonna bust, plus how to get started including tools and supplies for anal that are a must. All right everyone, let's get into it. Reasons to try solo anal. No matter what set of genitals you have, there's so much pleasure to be had by adding anal to the menu.

So for penis owners, you've got a prostate gland. It's a walnut-shaped gland located about two inches inside the rectum and stimulated it can feel amazing and even lead to a prostate orgasm. Now you can think of a prostate orgasm is similar to a G-spot orgasm for vulva owners. It's internal, it's super intense, it's very deep and gives you more of a full body orgasm. And here's a fun fact. You don't even need to be erect to stimulate your prostate or even to orgasm. And it helps with erections too. So if you're not erect, you know, you might want to stimulate your prostate and see if you get erect.

So there's lots of ways to play. You can also pair a prostate massage with your regular masturbation routine for the holy grail of pleasure, a blended orgasm. And I've got a fun article on my site that talks about blended orgasms, double the O, double the pleasure, how to have blended and multiple orgasms. You can totally check that out if you're curious and we will link it in the show notes. And for vulva owners, here's the deal. An anal orgasm is a climax achieved by stimulation of high density nerve spots in the anus. Plus there are shared nerves that go from the anterior wall

of the rectum to the vagina. And some people say that the clitoral legs even extend all the way back into the anus. This is a call for more research on the vagina and on anal sex. So for vulva owners, it may be possible to have an orgasm from anal play even though they don't have a prostate. Again the anus alone is packed with nerve writings including the pudendal nerve which is a major pleasure-filled nerve in the pelvic area and carries sensation to

your vagina, your labia, your clitoris. So stimulation of this nerve writing during anal sex or any kind of anal play stimulates these nearby rodent zones and might just help you reach orgasm. But it's not all about orgasm. It's also about pleasure and exploration and just being open to seeing what else feels good on my body. Oh, and by the way, something else cool, inserting an anal plug or a butt plug as we call it, like the BeVi vibrating jewel plug, and it's really cool and beautiful, it changes the angle of your vagina. So a little bit of anatomy, the vagina is a muscular tube leading from the labia to the

cervix. Tissues in the labia and the vagina lose collagen over time, which causes the vaginal angle to flatten and become less steep. Now why does this matter? Well, a flatter vaginal angle can mean less friction against the front wall of the vagina during intercourse. And that's the key because that's where your G-spot is or your G area. And it can also mean that there's less contact with the clitoris during intercourse.

So putting in an anal plug during intercourse or masturbation can be so helpful and essentially it allows you to reach more of the hot spots that are going to make you feel so good. But even if you're young and none of the tissue loss applies just yet, having an anal plug in while you masturbate wakes up more sexual nerve endings. It gives you the power to have deeper more intense orgasms. So I'm talking about here is options, right? Trying out different areas and see what feels good. And if you're masturbating and you just want a quick clitoral orgasm, that's fantastic. But if you want to experiment, an anal orgasm feels like pleasurable contractions around your

sphincter. And if you pair that sensation with a clitoral orgasm, wow! Now you'll be feeling something totally different. So now you see getting comfortable with anal penetration has all kinds of pleasurable benefits. But honestly there's one more huge benefit in my eyes and that is body acceptance. Now I talk about this a lot in my book Smart Sex. The power of self-acceptance. It really is powerful because there is so much shame associated with our anuses. Now we make jokes about it and people think it's gross

or people say, oh God, anal is the one thing I'll never do or I can't believe people do anal. So when you try anal on your own, you're giving yourself the opportunity to associate this region with something totally new. And that's pleasure. That's what I think is one of the most powerful aspects of anal play. It teaches you that this too is worthy of self-love.

This part of your body, of all parts, can bring you so much pleasure. So if you can get comfortable giving yourself pleasure via something laden with so much shame, well, that's liberation. Alright, those are all great reasons you might want to try solo anal. Now, I'm busting anal myths and giving you all practical tips to exploring anal play on your own. Alright, the first myth I want to address is this. If you're a penis owner and you want to try anal penetration or anal play,

it means something about your sexuality. Listen, your sexuality is based on so much more than enjoying one specific physical sensation. Let's say you like vegetables. Does that automatically make you a vegan? No, it's just someone who likes a good salad. Not to reduce your sexuality to a salad, but let's just say this. The kind of people you want to sleep with, now that defines your sexuality. But where you want to be penetrated and where it feels good to be touched has nothing to do with defining your sexuality. Okay?

And remember this, all sexualities are valid and beautiful and go far beyond certain sex acts. But because I get questions about this one all the time, I just want to say once and for all, if you're trying anal for the first time and are worried this will somehow change your sexuality, it won't. You can be a guy who likes anal penetration and still be fundamentally into women, full stop. And remember, this goes for yourself and for your partner.

I know a lot of this can be confusing. Maybe you are a vulva owner sleeping with a penis owner and you might have some judgments around this as well. So there's just a lot of realize about shame and all these areas that a lot of us, it's not just society. Sometimes we shame our partners and we don't even realize we're doing it.

So just take a moment here and be conscious that when your partner is revealing something to you or wants to try something new, we want to celebrate what they're into, don't jump on the shame train. There's enough shame as it is, all right? The second myth I see is that anal is a casual thing to ask for during sex.

Hey, you down for anal? It's not. That's why I'm doing a whole episode on solo anal play. Now listen, certain porn may give you the impression that anal is just another sex act on the menu. They make it look so easy in porn, right? They're just like, oh my God, are they having anal? How'd they do that? But let's be clear about this. I am

pro-anal play if it calls to you and it's not something you can just roll over and do without any preparation. There's literal muscle training involved with your sphincter. So if you're ever in a casual sex context with a new person, please know that asking for anal right off the bat probably isn't the best move. What you can do and what I encourage you to do is plant a seed and ask if they'd ever be down to explore that sometime. Are they into anal play? What are their thoughts on it? Make it consensual and make it respectful as always. And for the receivers, we don't want any charity anal out there, right? Don't just give it up because you're like, well you know they asked nicely or I might as well do it. No, listen, both people have to be on board.

Both have to get something out of it. And remember, if you have a penis, please be careful about where you're putting it in. Oops, wrong hole and just slipping it in is not consensual. It's not cool. It's just no way to go about handling this. Okay. So let's all breathe, go slow, ask for consent, and use lube. Always use lube. We'll get into that too. For a lot of vulva owners, the other

reason why they might not be into anal play is because they had a really bad first time experience, meaning it got slipped in by a mistake, there was no consent, they just said yes, there was no lube, they were really drunk. I heard these stories all the time so what I'm inviting you to do in this episode is to re-examine your relationship to your anus and see if with consent and with information It might be something you'd be willing to try under better conditions The final myth I see is something along the lines of it's just not my thing and never will be okay heard I see you maybe the sex act isn't for you, I get it. But

I'm listing it as a myth because I think a lot of people feel this way until they try it. So if you're skeptical, I encourage you to explore once on your own and at the very least you'll be able to make an informed decision and you're going one step further toward body acceptance. All right, don't knock it till you try it. Once. Speaking of exploration. All right. Let's get into it. How do we do it? How to do solo anal play? What is it? Okay the first thing I want to touch on is the concept of anal training. Just like you wouldn't pop right into the splits without stretching your hamstrings first, the same applies to your sphincter muscles. So you want to get used to the feelings of the sensation of having something inside you. So while you're masturbating and you're

already getting yourself off, then you want to take a very clean hand, maybe have some wipes by the bed, trimmed fingernails and lots of lube and slowly stick a finger inside you. It can be a pinky or a pointer finger and feel what it's like inside your own anus. How does it feel to have something inside of you? Move your finger around. You can even just take some lube and rub around your sphincter muscles before you go inside just to warm it up. In fact, that's what I recommend for all anal play is starting on the outside, maybe massaging your butt cheeks and then just, you know, moving inside slowly, starting with the anus, and then you put a finger inside.

Slowly and see how that feels. What does it feel like to have something inside of you? You can experiment with two fingers and then you know, are you into it, are you not? So you can use your fingers, but I highly recommend you look into an anal training kit of different size plugs, like the B-Vibes anal training kit. What it does is it gradually tones your sphincter muscles

little by little. No, you're not gonna stretch out your rectum for good. What you are doing is inserting a very small plug, just getting used to it. And when you're ready, inserting a slightly larger plug. I mean, that's the deal with anal training kits. You're slowly increasing the pliability of your sphincter muscles a tiny bit at a time.

And what I love about this B-Vibe Anal Training Kit is it comes with a great guide on anal sex. It comes with an enema and a lube shooter, which is so cool because you know you always need lube for any anal play. So basically you put lube in it and you shoot it up into your anus. It's very cool. It's a fun party trick, even if it's a party of one. And remember, I want you to give yourself time with this process, especially if you're brand new to anal. It can take weeks to work up to an average size dildo or prostate massager. Don't forget it.

And remember, there's also the psychological aspect. Anal training isn't just for your muscles. It's also for your mind. You are basically reassociating your brain with your butt and learning that insertion can feel really really good. So that's how everyone can start with their solo anal journey. I want to break the rest of my recommendations down by genitals, okay? So while there are many toys that work for all, some might be more appealing to you based on your anatomy. Let's talk to penis owners first.

For beginners, I suggest non-vibrating prostate massagers. And for many, this is a more accessible option at first because vibes might be so stimulating because you've never tried it before and sometimes it's too stimulating. But these are nice because the insertion arm is long enough to reach your prostate gland and it fits in pretty easily. You'll see it sort of is shaped just like your prostate which again reminder is located about two inches inside your rectum and remember this the anus is not self lubricating so use lots and lots of lube. Always look for a flared base with your prostate massager and truly

truly with all anal toys. We don't want to lose any anal toys inside of our rectums team. You don't want to end up with the ER. We don't want that for you. The next step is a vibrating prostate massager because once you get comfortable with insertion, move on to some vibration and see how you like it. Now these are going to stimulate pleasurable nerve writings in your anus that are more internal, but the vibes are also going to feel incredible on your prostate gland. So if you're someone wondering how to get started or perhaps a more experienced player

looking for more sensations, let me introduce you to Lalo's Saraya Beads. These beads arouse sensitive nerve endings in and around the anus for a new type of orgasmic sensation. Each of these four beads gradually increase in size for all different ranges of sensations and experience levels. This toy uses this bow motion technology inspired by the movement of violin players. How about that?

It's like violin players stimulating Uranus. So these are the vibrations that resonate inside of you. I mean how awesome does that sound? There are eight different pleasure modes plus this toy is completely waterproof. Lalo is one of my top companies that I love and trust and they always make the most beautiful elegant toys that are high quality, high standard and made of only the best and safest material. So go purchase yours and use my code SEX WITH EMILY for a 25% off discount code at L-E-L-O dot com. Lalo dot com. That's code SEX WITH EMILY at Lalo dot com. Exclusions may apply. And once you love that, you can move up to a vibrating prostate massager that also vibrates the perineum,

that nerve-ending rich area between your penis and your anus. You can almost think of it like a rabbit vibe for penis owners. And for this, I recommend the Loki Wave Prostate Massager Vibrator by Lalo. It's so cool. It really does look like a rabbit vibe, but you're literally stimulating the prostate and the perineum. It is such a cool product. Okay, at this point you might be wondering what's up with the prostate gland? Why is Emily so hot for me to stimulate it? Why is she talking about this so much? Well, it is packed

with thousands of nerve endings for one, but also the prostate helps propel semen from the penis because it's a muscular gland. It produces the seminal fluid found in ejaculate. So prostate massage also has legitimate health benefits, namely preventing or relieving prostate inflammation. So go for the health angle. Whatever makes you feel good about trying it. Okay, vulva owners. And I mentioned anal training kits for everyone, so explore with your fingers and or you can start with just a basic anal plug. This will help you get used to the feeling of insertion. But vulva owners, once you're

ready to try vibration, you don't necessarily need the length of a prostate massager. That's one toy that is specifically for people with a prostate. But after you get comfortable with an anal plug, you know you might want to step it up for intermediates. Maybe you already like anal sex altogether. Try a vibrating anal plug. You could also look for butt plugs in a small petite size if the idea of anal vibration excites you.

There are many to choose from. I'm just going to keep saying this you have to use a ton of lube. Keep reapplying it no matter what toy you're using. The anus is not self-lubricating and we don't want to have tears so we got to add a lot of lube. So silicone lube is great for penetrative sex with a partner. We've got some great options from Pure on our site. I do recommend silicone lube for Anoplay, but the challenge is they don't recommend that you use silicone lube with toys. Okay? They say the silicone lube can break down silicone toys. I've been using silicone lube with toys for a long time and I just really wiped them down and I haven't noticed any change in my toys. But I just want to let you know what the manufacturers recommend is that if you're using toys,

stick with water-based lube. So basically what you're doing here is you're stimulating your pudental nerve region, which connects to both your genitals and your anus. So on that note, vulva owners, let's talk about your most advanced solo anal step. Ready? When you're masturbating,

you can use a vibrating butt plug along with your regular sex toy. Now this could be the vibrator you typically use on your clitoris or if you use an insertion toy. And what I want you to feel for as your clitoral orgasm comes on is what you feel happening in your anus. You might feel contractions in your sphincter muscles as your clitoral orgasm happens. But no pressure. You're're gonna take your time with this because this is all exploration. So don't make this a goal per se,

I'm just kind of pointing out some things to look for here. Clitoral orgasm and anal orgasm at the same time or contractions in your sphincter muscles and your clitoris might happen and that could feel amazing. But at the end of the day, what we're talking about is stimulating different regions of your pelvic floor via your genitals or your anus. Okay so now you've got some really fun reasons to try solo anal.

We busted myths, you got practical tools and tips for trying it out, but let's take a short break and when we come back I'm going to answer all of your anal questions. I'm gonna answer all of your anal questions. I always dreamed of opening my own online shop. I mean what a perfect way to deliver my personal favorites straight to the doors of my listeners. However, after 20 years of podcasting, I'm gonna be honest with you, it seemed daunting and a little scary because I'm not a web designer and I had no idea where to even start and then I met Shopify. Oh my god, trust me when I say Shopify made everything so easy Shopify is the global commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business from the launcher online shop stage to the first

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Shopify powers 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S. and helps millions of other entrepreneurs of every size across 175 countries. Plus, Shopify's extensive help resources are there to support your success every step of the way because businesses that grow grow on Shopify. You can sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shop.com slash SWE, all lowercase, go to Shopify.com slash SWE now to grow your business, no matter what stage you're in. Shopify.com slash SWE, because businesses that grow, grow with Shopify. This is from Anne, 58 in Los Angeles. Hey Dr. Emily, my partner has asked me several times now if I have tried anal penetration with toys.

I have by myself and I cannot get my arms around to my back end. Do other women do this by themselves? I can see me flopping around like a fish trying to insert an anal plug. It doesn't seem sexy to me. Help. All right, Anne. Okay. Let me help you out here. Have you tried not reaching around but going up between your legs with the plug and maybe like having a mirror nearby so you can see yourself inserting it and make sure you're getting into the right spot. However,

I know this show's all about, you know, solo anal play but sounds like your partner really is into you trying anal penetration. So maybe you could let him know that you have a toy and you want to try it out. Would he be willing to have the pleasure and the honor of doing it for you? You can ask him that and say, I've had one, I've played around with it a little bit, but I'd love for you to insert it and let's play together and see how that goes. If you're unable to do it yourself, just make sure that you're going slow, that you're breathing, using lots of lube and you guys are very

close and you're checking in with each other. Maybe you're making eye contact and you're letting him know how it feels as he's gently inserting it inside of you. Okay. So partnering to play is fun too. Go slow, breathe, use lots of lube, and communicate. This is from Kelly 56 in Seattle. Hey Dr. Emily, my wife and I have been happily married for 29 years. Our sex life is great, but I'm looking to try some new things. Over the last year we've started using toys,

awesome, and are having more open discussions. In my solo time, I started exploring my own ass. open discussions. In my solo time, I started exploring my own ass. I couldn't believe how good it felt. I bought a prostate massager and now I want to share that experience with her. How do I do that? Alright, well I love that you are exploring about your own Kelly and I can't wait for you to share this with your wife. Now remember what we talked about in this show that a lot of people do have ideas around anal that aren't necessarily accurate or true. There's some shame and some stigma. So following my timing, turf and tone outside the bedroom,

when you're on date night and in a good place, you can just start to have a general conversation with your wife about your sex life. Talk about, you know, the things that you love about it and say, I'm wondering, is there anything new you've been wanting to try? And then you can ask, like, would you be open to playing with toys?

See what she says. And then you can ask, would you be open to playing with toys? See what she says. And then you can explain to her that you've been trying it on your own with a prostate massager and it feels really, really great. And you'd love to share the experience with her. Felt really great to you. Would she be down?

And then see how it goes. Now remember, why do you prepare for the fact that she might have some concern, she might not understand it, the anus is dirty, what does that mean? Does that mean that you want to be with men? You know, people have a lot of misunderstandings about this, so I just suggest you listen to the show together. Maybe you could rewind to the top of the show and play

it for her. I want to remind everybody that a lot of couples listen to this show together and then they find it as a great jumping-off place to talk about their own sex life. So I highly recommend listening to Sex Family with your partner. But anyway, Kelly, that's what I recommend you do. I know you've been together for 29 years and I don't want you to have to be in the dark with something that makes you feel good. So start having the conversations with her and let me know how it goes. This is from Josh32 in Texas. Hey Dr. Emily, long time listener. About six months ago, my girlfriend and I did your yes, no no maybe list, which by the way you

can all download for free on our website. Anal was a maybe on both of ours. Since then, every few weeks or so we discuss it. We started out with anal rimming, which by the way is licking, kissing, sucking the anus for pleasure, and she seems to really enjoy that. A few months later she tried her first butt plug by herself. Other than that we've just done things around the anus. We have read your do's and don'ts list and the easing into anal blog, but she still seems to be extremely worried about a mess in regards to any penetration and what prep she needs to do. I've reassured her that a mess is okay if it does happen. I've even said that we don't have to try it, but she keeps saying she does. She's just unsure on what prep needs to be done and worried about a mess. What else can I do to help her mentally prepare or ease her mind?

I'm glad we're talking about this, Josh, because this is also one of the big concerns of what's keeping people from having anal. So here's how prep goes. First, I highly recommend that everyone's nails are trimmed and their hands are clean. As far as, you know, having a mess, her going to the bathroom all over the place, there's a lot of things you could do. First off, I think we all know when our bowels are full, when our bowels are empty,

and we're all pretty good gauge of bowel cycle, right? And so, I mean, if you went out for a huge dinner and you had a lot of beans and rice and then you try, you know, like that wouldn't be the night. But if you know that you've had a regular bowel during the day, you should be fine. However, a lot of people's mind are put to ease when they do an enema.

So you can go to the store and buy an enema and usually sometimes it comes with vinegar inside and I recommend that you empty that out and fill it with warm water. To use the enema, you put it inside you about an hour or two before and that should empty everything out so she feels even more confident.

Keep some wipes by the bed. You can throw play drop down in your bed, which is basically a sex mat that is waterproof. It absorbs liquids. You can just throw it in the wash after and you don't have to worry about any mess at all. Okay, you can also try it in the shower with a bottle of a silicone lube right there by your side.

But I think maybe the enema might be for her, the thing that's gonna make her feel a lot more comfortable. But it sounds like you guys are really close Josh, so thank you so much for this question because it's really an important one and I don't want the fear of mess to keep anybody from having a good time. And I want this episode to help all of you sort of alleviate any concerns so you can all move on to the fun part and that's a lot of pleasure. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with

a friend or partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter, or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on SexWithEmily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559-TALK-SEX. That's 559-825-5739 or just go to SexWithEmily.com slash ask Emily. Was it good for you? Email me.

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