Sex With Emily - Winner, Winner, Sex Before Dinner

Episode Date: March 14, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is taking your calls and giving you some easy sex hacks to improve intimacy, bring back spontaneity, and play in new, creative ways. She helps listeners look at their partner���s porn habits in a healthy way to make it work for their relationship, getting comfortable with different types of body fluids, because hey – sex can be messy – but it’s also half the fun, and how to communicate to a long distance lover it’s time to end the love commute. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Ritual, Intensity, Magic Wand, Fleshlight Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm taking your calls and talking all things sex and relationships. Topics include sex hacks for days, easy tricks to enhance intimacy, how to take a healthy look at your partner's porn habits and make it work for your relationship, how a family can balance everyone's needs when dealing with sexual trauma, getting comfortable with different types of body fluids because hey, sex can be messy and that's half the fun. And how to communicate to a long distance lover, it's time to end the love commute. All this and more, thanks for listening. Best by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a fight on day.

Hey, Abelie, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. Hey, girls, gotta have a stand. Oh, my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, but only? What do you mean, like laundry?

It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God, I want to feel so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. But, you know, Abelie's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemely.com. It is a good time on our site.

We're updating it all the time with posts and videos and things to make your sex life so much better. You can also subscribe and comment and iTunes. I do read all of your reviews. It also helps the show when you subscribe and we so appreciate it. Also join me in social media. It's at Sex with Emily on Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and Twitter because I'm always posting. We've got a new episode. I share behind the scenes what happens at Sex with Emily. And a lot of you seem to like it. So I love hearing from you on there. So please follow me.

Also, we have a March contest. So this month, we're doing a, oh, of March contest. You know those like, oh, moments are aha. Those moments when you finally figure something out and everything just makes more sense, like the entire world comes together, because you're like, I did not know how to connect those dots.

Well, there's also moments in your sex and dating life. So what does that mean? Here's some examples. Maybe you found that spot on your clitoris. For example, that makes you go crazy and you're like, ah, that's a spot. Or maybe you finally figured out how to get a message across to your partner that you've been just wanting them to hear.

You told them how you like to be touched, and that was your a-ha moment. Or maybe you found a brand new Arrogant of Sounds. I love hearing about those, and you were like, ah, Emily was right. My forearm feels amazing when partner licks it. I don't know. I wanna hear all of them.

There's a lot of different kinds of oes. Maybe you figured out, oh, you're right, sex toys, not just for women. Whatever it is, I wanna hear your best, oh, moment. So set it into feedback at sexwithemily.com by April 10th, and we're gonna pick four of you to win super sexy prizes that will definitely have you going, oh, oh, ah, oh, all you're long.

So before I get into your calls, I just wanna let you know also we've got a March video series that's all about sex hacks. So you can check those out on social media and YouTube. So why sex hacks? Well, this is a concept I would think about for a while. And it's because there's so many ways that you can really be creative when it comes to sex, to orgasms, to foreplay, just to making sex work for you and not against you. And I know I'd give a lot of tips on the show, but I felt like a sex hack. Like how can we hack into your sex life and just enhance your intimacy, boost your sexual confidence, add more pleasure to sex.

So here's just a few of the sex hacks that I want to tell you about that have kind of happened with me lately and then also check out the video series. So I just love hacks in all walks of life. But with sex, I realize that my life has sort of been like the way I have sex I'm just always incorporating sex hacks. For example, here's ones that you can use today. So think about your bedroom, okay? The bedroom, hopefully you got pillows on your bed, right? I have a lot of pillows on my bed and I don't know if you've memory foam pillows, but these are the best ones to use for what I'm talking about. So pillows are great to use during sex and they can like change the entire game.

So if there's certain positions, for example, if you're on the bottom and you were like your pelvic to be up a little bit more so I can hit your G spot or just hit different spots or see what it feels like and guys can do this too, place a pillow underneath your butt or your lower back because then your pelvic is at an angle and this way when your partner penetrates you're just going to feel it hitting that spot and you can play with the pillow as well. If you're lying on your front you can also put a pillow onto your stomach which works great for rear entry positions and honestly I was just talking about this in the office a few weeks ago and I realized that I'd forgotten to do that lately and I was like

oh so I was having sex recently I'm like oh, oh, hold on a minute. I grabbed my memory film pillow and sure enough, made a huge difference. Just for certain positions, different partners, and you know, like I said, missionary sex does not have to be boring. You can also play with toys in a different way, play with different vibrations. So for example, I always talk about different toys that I love. And some of these are in the videos, but I was thinking like a penis ring. Like let's say that's a great couples toy, and I've talked about the pivot by Wee Vibes that came out this year, and I love it.

The pivot is great because it's a penis ring, so you wear it during sex, but it's an amazing, literal vibrator. So I always use it when I travel, because then I have both, and you can use it that way, or it's great to put like a bullet vibe on your cheek or under your chin when you're performing oral sex because then your tongue and your cheek and your mouth is shaking like

a vibrator and we all know how amazing vibrations feel. So another one you guys if you want to hack a threesome, I know that's your top fantasy. It actually is a top fantasy for men and for women. So a great way to pretend you're having a threesome that actually sees if you can actually handle a threesome is to narrate it, to use sex talk, to talk like you're having a threesome when you're actually having sex with your partner. So go something like this. Yeah, she's this woman's here.

I see her like licking you and touching you and you're licking her breast or she's at top of you or whatever it is. And you like play out the scenario in your mind like you're having a threesome and I'm telling you, I cannot talk about the importance of Jordy talking about the fact. There was a piece I just was quoted in for men's help that got picked up everywhere. And they just loved this one headline.

And they said, this is the one thing that women want more of during sex. And it was already talked. And the truth is, it does you guys. There's something about speaking sexy words to your partner and describing what's happening because our brain is largest sex organ. So the more you can feed that and a great way to do it again, you guys use a threesome, use what's happening in the moment,

describe different scenarios that you think are hot and it's a great way to test the waters and see like, oh, that was hot. Maybe that's something I would be into. And another great way is to also watch porn, watch threesome porn together. Because if you're like, I don't know how to describe it, I've never had one. You could watch some porn together and then describe what you saw. Because that's the other hot thing about having an actual threesome is that I know a lot of couples like to swing or

play with other people. And then they, when they're having sex, they actually retell the stories over and over again. It's like using your dirty talk as like a sexual narration of your fancies. And the other great thing about narrating something that's happened or something you want to happen is that for those of you get stuck on dirty talk, you're like, I don't know what it's anymore. I told them to F me harder. I told them to grab my ass. But when you have like a scenario that you guys can get into and kind of play back and forth, it's really hot and you have to make it up because it's something that actually you talked about or you saw or actually happened. Games are also a fun way to add a little spice and a little something

spontaneity to your sex life. And there's a lot of fun games, like sexy games in the market that actually help you with your relationship. The help you figure out what your partner's into, what you're into. There's a game called Monogamy, which is like, it's a board game kind of looks like Monopoly, but it's spelled, it's monogamy. And that shakes things up when you're in a sex ride. So it's kind of like Monopoly. You work your way towards hot sex. So it helps you communicate, adds little romance. You use like the purple cards for passionate actions. You know, the red cards are really spicy hot. And so if you're a game couple and you like sit down and you guys play Scrabble or Backgammon,

why not play a board game like this? That's you can it's a real game someone's gonna win someone's gonna lose but like the loser might have to do whatever the winner wants in bed. Another one spicy dice. This is a really fun for like for four play with your partner they're so easy you can take them wherever you go you can if you're dinner you can do it but let's play with this like here's let's set up our four play for later, because there's three separate die, and each one has a purpose. So one has places to have sex,

like in the bedroom, in the living room, in the car, and the other one has places on the body, and then the last one has actions, like kiss, tickle lick. So you roll it, and it could say kiss ear in the bedroom, and you're like, okay, start with kissing my ear. So it's a fun way to start, like, hey, we want to have sex tonight. I don't feel like wondering if he's gonna initiate or she's gonna initiate. You just play some games and remember couples that play together, stay together.

My last sex hack that it seems to be really popular lately, especially with friends who are like, we have date night, it's gonna be go to dinner and I'm so full, we don't have sex, we get too drunk or we get too tired, have sex before dinner. So the sex happens and then you go out to dinner and I'm so full, we don't have a sex, or we get too drunk, or we get too tired, have sex before dinner. So the sex happens, and then you go out to dinner and you're satiated from the sex, you're not thinking about it anymore. And then you go out and have a great night. So that was a very popular one.

I thought that was kind of an obvious thing, but apparently it's not. So have sex before dinner, play some games, play around your house, try just one of these sex hacks, and let me know how it goes and check out our videos that we have up. Shortly, this month will be rolling them out. Okay, guys, enjoy the show. I've got some great collars, and I love hearing from you all, and on to the calls. Okay, now we're on to the calls. If you have a question, use the option that's easiest for you.

You can easily text, save this number into your phone right now, text Ask Emily one word to 7979, 7979. You'll get a short form where you can enter your question and contact details. And if you want me to call you during a future call or show, all you have to is indicate yes on the form. You can always submit a question from the website, section of the M.A..com via the Ask Emily tab, and always include information that helps me help you, your gender, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show. Oh, and if you want to change your name, we can totally do that. No problem. We just

want to hear from you, and I want to help you. Our next call is Lindsay. She's 29 from Canada, and she feels like her boyfriend is giving all his energy to porn and maybe she's just a chore. Hey Lindsay. Hey! Hi, I'm so happy to talk to you. Thank you for calling in. I'm writing in. So nice to talk to you. Tell me what's going on. Let's get some background here.

I'll give you a quick background. So my husband and I have been together for about three years. In the beginning of our relationship, he admitted to me that he was masturbating like five times a day and we were still having sex twice a day, so it was like a machine. A little time went by, started having some rectal issues. So he took down the amount of masturbating he was doing, and that helped a little bit, but he started realizing he had some issues with corn maybe, so he scaled it back. Mom's three short, as time's gone by, it went from being a lot maybe like five, we'll say four days a week, we would have just sex in, I guess, what you'd say, an average sort of general missionary kind of, you know, married, we're like intimate, sort of like typical, but then maybe a couple other days a week, we would have some more fun,

and like do some exciting things, and I expressed to him how much I enjoyed that. And then now it's been like just the same time of day, the same position every single time. And I feel as though when I'm away or if he's on his trips, that he goes away quite a bit. I feel as though he's masturbating several times day. And I just started to feel very better and angry at the situation. Have you talked about this a lot? I would say we communicate overly about it a lot and not overly in a bad way. I don't want to do an issue that he feels pressured or anything like that. I'm just trying to basically, what I said, I'm just going to give you space to kind of

work this because we're on our own journey. You're on your journey with this, figuring out a new sexuality because you've never really had a lot of long-term relationships. So I was just kind of giving in space, but I'm wondering it's like, we're sorry. Anything I should be doing. Yeah, it sounds like you really, it sounds like now you're building up resentment. And so it sounds like the tactic, well I love that you're talking about and I love it, you said, we're on our journey, man, you go to you, I'll do me. But since you guys are in a relationship together

and you're committed and you're married, I feel like this is something you have to work on together. And so, I mean, you said you're just having like missionary sex in the morning, and that's all that's happening, and then the masturbation thing, I'm wondering like, does he know specifically what you need and how

to please you? Because I feel like we're talking a lot about what his needs and that you're working with him, but like, you want something else and how have you been able to communicate that with him? I know you don't want to question. Well, yeah, but you need to certain things from him. For sure. Yeah, like I have said little things, like I like just the, even just really general things, Emily.

Like me saying, like I like doggy style, you know what I mean? Like that feels really good for me. And I feel as though he's having ED issues in other positions more. Oh, okay. And I feel like, yeah, and I feel like that's definitely part of it. He used to like, and it's something I like. He used to like, fun, choke me, fun, slide. Right. And that was kind of like something, you know, we would do. And like, I said, expressed several times, and like, I really like that.

Not every time, but occasionally I really enjoy it. And I've always been very vocal, and it's just disappeared. Right. So you think it is ED. So maybe he's afraid that if he moves he's going to lose it all together right Is that what's happening so it's more about? His own performance anxiety because that's kind of what happens a lot is that I don't He might be having some of that like yeah, no, no

I mean I'm just wondering how it why it would have changed and if he's masturbating a lot are he sneaking mass nothing Master's anything wrong with that but i don't understand have you actually said to him like this is these are the things i've been wanting and i mean do you ever try to get a joggy style because you can do it too you can kind of lead him along yeah and i definitely need to take responsibility to do that more but i do find because he ends up like you would never lose it but you'll get like softer and he gets really insecure,

even if he's remotely soft. So I've expressed him, I'm like, been with people before. That's what happens. Women are not. Oh my God, it's getting, I have no problem. We don't trip up on it like they do. Yeah, guys are like, oh my God,

my penis is malfunctioning. Like, what do I do? I can't live right. Like, everything's falling apart. So I feel like, it sounds like you guys are of great communication, which I love, but I also think that you got to take it to the next level now. And I think sometimes like, it's more than one conversation, like you might have let them know a few months ago, I liked when you choked me and then you get in the moment and

he's like, it's just easier to do missionary. So maybe you need to like give him a plan for it and like literally say like, let's talk about what I deserve and how can we do this together. I don't even know what's going out of them, but like he said, I'm not sure how to do it or what you want. And then tell them again, like, if he gets soft for a second, like, that's fine. Like, you could go down and you give him a blowjob. There's different things that you could do. He's in his own head. It sounds like a lot. The fact that he's not willing to waver from this one position since you've been married for what three years. We've been together for two, we've only been married for three years. Okay, for years.

So whatever it is, it's like the conversation that you're having, it sounds like it needs to be fine-tuned towards your needs and his needs. He's masturbating five times a day. That's a lot. And then having sex with you twice a day. So I'm wondering if there aren't other things going on with him? I don't know how you just stop that. So if he's like sneaking it or if there's some other sexual trauma in his past, sexual,

I don't know because I'm not seeing it, but there might be some other things going on that you guys could kind of try to work through at your own, but maybe seeing a sex therapist, we can't always solve all these things on our own. So if you guys could also look at having more connected sex and more intimacy, because it sounds like it's sort of mechanical right now, and you might need some more like staring in each other's eyes, breathing together, like really touching and connecting, like in an intimate way, to kind of, because that also when you do more of that stuff, like when you're looking at each other's eyes or you're breathing together, you can't do anything

but be focused on each other. You can't go inside your head, you know what I'm saying? Because you're connected. So I would start playing with some of those things. So you feel like you're getting your needs met as well. And you guys are connecting sexually. It's not like there's just more exploring to do about what you both need. Yeah, 100% and I just need to work on growing. I'm so used to men in my life taking so much control of these things. I've never been an issue for me in the time. It's always been like, so I have to like really kind of work

because I get really nervous because I've just never done that in my life. Right, I'll say things aside, but like I'll say things like in another conversation and I'll be vocal about that but when it comes to the actual time, I'm like, I don't know where I'm going. I know you're like, how do I do it?

How do I move? Right, exactly. So you're both in your head. So what would be really cool is if you have this exact conversation with him, you're like, I talk to Emily or whatever you want to say, I realize that I want to initiate to and I'm nervous. And so then it's kind of like you're both being vulnerable together. And then you're like, so when we have sex next time, I actually want to move into doggie

style, I want to do whatever. And that makes me nervous too. And then if you talk about it, it's out there. And he's like, time, I actually want to move in to doggy style, I want to do whatever, and that makes me nervous too. And then if you talk about it, it's out there. And he's like, okay, I get that. So maybe I can move this way and you move that way. And it's like, you have to just like, these things that you're saying to me are the exact things you have to say to him.

I mean, you might not even know what that looks like because you've never done it, so you have fear around it about taking it. So it's okay, you say I might be clumsy, it kind of makes me nervous. And the fact that you've even said that, just know that might not go so smoothly the first time, the second time, you might laugh,

but the more you do it, you talk about it, you take all the power away and all the anxiety, and then you'll be able to kind of come together, hopefully come together, and also come together on having sex that works for both of you. Hey, Lindsay, you got it. Okay, thank you so much. Yeah, I have no work to do that.

Yeah, some homework, but it's fun homework. It can only get better from here. Because you just told me all of this, and this is totally doable and solvable. Okay, Lindsay, I do too. Thank you so much. Thank you Lindsay. Have a great night. Thanks for calling. Bye. Thank you.

Here's why I always say communication is a lubrication, because so many of our sexual challenges are around finding the right words to communicate and not only that, continuing to communicate and taking it to the next level. So, as we think, well, I talked about it and therefore it's done and my partner is just going to understand what I'm saying. And I think when we really tell our partners the things that we think we cannot say, that's really when the vulnerability happens, the connection and enhances intimacy. So, say those things, you guys guys life is too short for bad sex. So the sooner you address whatever it is on your mind with your partner that you trust and love, the sooner you'll be having amazing sex, the sex that you want and that you deserve.

Okay, we're going to give a quick shout out to our sponsors. Thank you so much for supporting them all. I love hearing from you guys and you're like, oh my God, I got the lube or I got these toys. So I appreciate it. Thanks for supporting them. They help keep the show free and I'll be right back. All right. We have Christopher.

He's 40 from Missouri and he wants to talk about pegging orgasms. Hey, Christopher. I'm so glad you called. Hi, Emily. Thanks for calling me, I appreciate it. Yeah, it's so nice to talk to you, so tell me about what's going on. About 15 years ago, I've always been into anal play. About 15 years ago, I was having anal sex with myself just using a dildo.

And I had an orgasm, something like I'd never had before. Right. And since then, my wife and I have eight years, she's more than willing to do this to me on a regular basis, the pegging. My question is, what kind of orgasm is am I having? Because I've looked it up online and I can't find anything that compares to it.

Tell me about the orgasm. Yeah. Well, it's, first of all, it's multiple. I mean, back to back. I mean, no more than two, three minutes apart. Amazing. Sounds great. Yeah.

And it's extremely intense. As you know, I know how to describe it. It's my entire lower half, my abdomen, my stomach muscles, everything just henses up and it's like it's trying to push back. I know when I do this to myself that if I don't hold on to the toy that I'm using, I will push it out. And my wife, my wife has said the same thing that when this is happening and she can feel it, she feels that

the toy is pushing back against her. It's not painful by any stretch of the maintenance. It's very enjoyable. I'm just kind of curious. Well, yeah, it's probably because you're flexing. Yeah, it's like you're flexing your sphincter muscles. So it's kind of like your whole area is just flexing and tensing.

So it would make sense that you'd be pushing it out, right? Because that's kind of like your whole body is, you know, that area, you're flexing and tensing and relaxing, you're pushing it out. So that makes sense. So I think you're just, you're having a prostate orgasm. It's very different than having an orgasm with ejaculation and it sounds like it's full-bodied

and the more you have them, you're having multiple orgasms. It sounds like it's epic. So are there any problems with it? Are you just wondering like what? No problems at all whatsoever. I mean, it other than having to kind of be prepared for it a little bit outside of that, there's no problems whatsoever. I just didn't know, like I said, I looked up online

and watched other videos of guys having these types of orgasms and they typically have semen coming out and I don't. I have urine. Right. So that's what I thought. Okay. So that could be like fluid from the prostate or like, you know, because you're not erect.

So that's probably why it's not semen coming out. And it seems like it's urine, but it could just be like fluid from the prostate because you're not erect. So that would be what it is. So I feel like that is common, you know, that it wouldn't be the same kind of orgasm you used to, but it's all an orgasm. And it sounds like you're having a really great one, which I always tell men, experiment, why not? Like it's, it could be this amazing sensation. I think men should just take a gander, go, Go back door, check it out.

And I think you're gonna be inspiring so many of my listeners. Yeah, and it sounds like over time too, they've gotten better and more intense. And frequent. And good for you, right? So you find a willing partner or your wife, it sounds amazing.

Have you got a prostate exam? No, I haven't had one for probably close to 20 years. Okay, I think it's important to start getting one now. Figure 40, get checked out. I always check on that doctor's, so it's a good thing to do. But keep having fun, I love it. You're inspiring all of us. Alright.

I appreciate it. Thank you. Okay, thank you. Bye, Christopher. Bye. Okay guys, so if that's not reason enough, I'm always telling you guys if you haven't explored, it's not a must, you don't have to. However, it's like the mailgeespot, right? So I feel like the tides have been turning and people ask me like, what's change with sex in the last, you know,

13 years we're doing the show and I think that men are more open to experimenting with prostate play because, hey, what if you start to have multiple orgasms in your whole body shapes and you need to call me and say, Emily, I'm having these amazing orgasms. I don't know what they're called. Wouldn't that be a great problem in quotes to call me about? So I send you all in that mission this year. If you choose to accept this challenge, go play with your prostate. We have Ashley.

She's 23 from New York and her boyfriend doesn't seem to know how to show affection in their long distance relationship. Hi Ashley. Hi Emily. Hi. So thank you for calling. Tell me about what's going on with you and this relationship. Sure.

Okay. Yeah, there's actually like a new development. Oh, okay. That's in my question. Great. Yeah. So overall, he is just not really that affectionate guy. It's kind of harder since I did move from Texas to New York

and he has a lot going on like he's still in school. He's kind of in trouble with a DWI, so he has a lot of like meetings and things that he has to stay on top of. And like I realized, if I was in his position, all of that stuff would probably come first like to figure out my life and move forward. But I keep trying to tell him like you know maybe it's just not the right time for you to have a relationship because it leads me to feel like not really like second choice or second option, but just like not really the focus,

not that I need to be like, hit the entire one. I'm like, it's secure. You guys were together. Let me just get this straight there. You guys were together for how long a year and then you moved to New York and he's still in Texas. Is that it?

You've been long distance. I've been for like six months and then I moved. Okay, so six months together in college and now you're in New York and it's been long distance for how long? Eight months, right at the point. Okay, so you said to him, hey, I get it, you're busy.

The DWI, you gotta take care of yourself and then what did he say? And he just says, like, you know, I do need to do all this stuff, but I don't wanna lose you. Okay, you know, and I don't think he tries to make it seem like I need you to get through this, but I have been really supportive of him because it kind of has brought him down. I don't think he's trying to guilt me into staying with him by saying,

you know, if I lose you through this, I don't know what I'm going to do, but I don't think he understands that. You know, he's going through all this stuff. Yeah, but actually tell me what you want right now. Do you want to be in this relationship or do you think that a little break would be good for you? Well, because you're talking about what he wants. And so I'm trying to get to what you want

and what feels right to you right now. Yeah, sure. So I've told him, like, you know, we just need to take a break. You think about what you want because what I need is for you to show more tension, section, whatever. As we all do by the way, we all need that. So cool. Okay. Yeah. So right now we are on a break because I just want him to figure it out. Like I'm not really at a point where I just need to jump into another relationship.

I'm okay with taking a little bit of time figuring things out. Ever since I was like, I'm on a break, you're on a break, do whatever you want. I don't really care. And it's just like a switch went off. He's calling you every day. He's face timing. Yeah, I hear you. That's what happens. Don't understand why it took me to do this for him to realize what I would say. You know, because sometimes they say, you don't know what you got till it's gone.

I mean, this is a classic response. And so I feel like, yeah, he's going to lose you and he wants to keep you. And I get that. You hear that this is kind of like a typical thing that happens. And I don't know why it happened You know, I'm sure he really cares about you

But he was really afraid that he was losing you so he came back around I don't know how long this is gonna last but what I'm asking is this make you feel better right now or you still sort of like I'm not so sure because what I'm seeing as she's you're 23 years old You just moved to a fabulous new city. You have a boyfriend who's you know long distance and He's giving you attention now, you're FaceTiming now, you're on the phone. I feel like not that you need to go out and have a relationship right now,

it doesn't like that's what you want, but I also want him to be holding you back from kind of just being you and getting acquainted to a new city in a new life. Do you have any plans for you guys to be in the same place anytime soon? Yeah, so we've talked about him moving here whenever he graduate.

And that could happen, and that's again, another year from now? Yeah. Right. So I'm just giving you perspective. I know it doesn't feel the same, but you're 23 years old. And do you want to be in a long distance relationship for a year where you're in this place?

It sounds like, I don't know, I feel like. Seems like a great guy. You guys can still keep talking. He knows how to fill you up right now when he thought he was going to lose you. But again, I just, I would, I urge against like, unless you know for sure, like he's the one and you guys love each other. You've been together a long time and he's definitely moving to Newark, but you were together

six months or four months and then you moved away and now it's tense. And I just feel like there's not enough evidence, enough data that I want you to be spending the next year like on the phone, trying to negotiate a relationship when you could be out living your life. Yeah, you're right. That's my gut, okay, sweetie. So I think you got to just kind of do you right now. It's a great time to be, to be young,

to be single, to be in New York. And I don't think you need this long-distance drama. Yeah, do you have any advice for what I say to him I do this? Because I keep saying the same thing. Like, you know, we're just at different places in our life right now. And I, like, he can't give me what I want.

And he just like pushes back on that. And you got to just say, you know, you have to be tough. And you got to be sweet. You got to tough love. You know what babe? I really thought about it. I really care about you. I think it's best for us to have distance right now.

And we need to have this space. I think honestly the best thing to do is not talk for a few months. I would say like three to six months without contact. Although I understand that you're also each other's support system, but you just have to hold strong. This is you Ashley. It sounds like he's a sweet talker and he's gonna know how to say everything to get you back.

No, this is, you've made this decision and you just gotta say it and be honest, tough and stick with your decision. Tell them the truth that you need the space and just be honest, but then you have to, you can't cave. You gotta stick with what you decided. And I'm telling you, it's gonna be hard at first

because you're each other's support system, but once you get through this, just, and you stick to your guns, you's gonna be hard at first because you're each other's support system. But once you get through this, just, and you stick to your guns, you're gonna feel so much better. I promise, and you're going to have a whole new life that opens up. I see it. Okay, Ashley? Yeah, thank you so much.

Yeah, I feel like you already know this. So just do it be strong. You got this. Thanks, Ashley. Good luck to you. Enjoy New York. Okay, bye. Thank you. Bye, Ashley.

A few interesting things that this brought up here. First of all, you guys, long distance relationships if you are in a long distance relationship. And there's no room like you don't know if you're ever going to be in the same city again or when it's going to happen. And you haven't really been together that long. You really should kind of take a look at that.

I don't love the idea of having drama and problems in long distance relationships. Unless you know that there's a clear break when you guys are going to be together. Also, it sounds like there's a little bit of communication challenges around here because Ashley is a big heart. You can tell she cares so much about her boyfriend,

but she's saying, well, I think this is good for you to move on. And I think it's good for you to have the space, but really it's also about her and her needs. And I think it can be really hard for us to kind of stand up for what we want and what we believe in because we don't wanna hurt anyone in the relationship. But I think once we do that, we stick to our guns,

we say what we need, what we want. Like it's not like there's a right way or wrong way to do it, but speaking your truth and what you really feel and you want no one can argue with that. So that's what I'm hoping for Ashley and that's I'm hoping for all of you in your relationships. Okay, we have Katrina. She's 39 from Utah and she wants to talk about

overcoming trauma and wants to welcome intimacy into her life. Hi, Katrina. Hi, how are you? I'm great. I'm so happy to talk about overcoming trauma and wants to welcome intimacy into her life. Hi Katrina. Hi how are you? I'm great. I'm so happy to talk to you today. Tell me about what's going on with you. Well about two years ago I found out my daughter had been molested by her dad, the husband that I was married to.

Okay. And you know, it's been a huge trauma. I didn't want to date. My kids kind of pushed me into dating. And I started listening to your podcast around the same time when I was starting dating and stepping in. It just, it really empowered me to be able to go out and date and have those relationships. It's been great. Good. I'm so glad, Katrina. Glad I can be there for you. Yeah.

Right. But my question was my daughter. I'm worried about her because I want her to be able to have healthy relationships. And I don't know if that's ever feasible for her. I do try to talk to her, you know, open about sex and that. It's not always a bad thing. I just didn't know if you had any suggestions on how I can approach her. I mean, she's just sat down and she's in therapy.

I was going to ask about that. Yeah. She's 17 now, but he molested her when she was young, when she was, and you just found out about it, but when did it go on? What year, what age? I found out when she was 15, it was in 2016, and I guess I'd been going on for two years, so she was 13 when it started. Okay. So, yeah, God, well, I'm sorry that your family said to go through that, but I'm glad that you had your feeling about, I'm glad that she's in therapy. So tell me about her therapy, because here's the thing about trauma is that untreated trauma

just continues to get worse over time for men, for women. So I love that she's in therapy right now. How is it working? Because the thing about therapy, you know, not all therapists are created, you know, and you want someone who really specializes in sexual trauma. And I'm wondering if that's where you find her right now. That's where she's at. She's went through a lot of therapists because, you know, she would get, well, I don't feel comfortable with this person, you know, I would tell her, at least give it to visits. And she would do the two visits and she's like, I can't, I can't talk to this visits. And she would do the two visits,

and she's like, I can't talk to this person. And it has to be a woman. I can't get a man. She won't open up to a man at all. But she has done like a 180. In the last two years, she is a totally different person. She's so outgoing. She's really blunt before she used to just be so withdrawn.

She wouldn't talk. You know, just really quiet, couldn't have any friends. And now she's just like, she's a firecracker. She's amazing. She's like the strongest person I know. Okay, well that's great. So it sounds like she's just kind of thinking about the future of what could happen.

There are women's groups like for people who've gone through trauma, maybe she needs, I just think for young people sometimes to be in like a group of women like a therapy group once a week, in addition to her individual therapist, so she's with other women, her age, or kids who have also experienced trauma might be really helpful for her. Because going into a group talking about it for an hour, I just feel like group therapy can be really helpful.

So she has a community, people to talk to. Yeah, a group with me, a good idea, I didn't think talk to. Oh, yeah, I grew up with me. Good idea. I didn't think about group. Yeah, there's some great. Yeah, I mean, I'm not you're in Utah. So, but I'm like, there's some great groups. They're really fun. No, but I mean, I think that this is a special kind of, you know, therapy that she needs. And I just think being with other people and think, yeah, I think that could be helpful. But are you seeing anything now? You said she's in a good spirits.

Are you just, yeah, so what else can I? Yeah, is there anything else going on with that? The other question I had for you, I don't know if I can ask you this question. Please, ask away. I've been dating and I didn't want to settle down with anyone because I had been in a horrible, horrible relationship. He was very controlling, he was abusive in so many different ways, and then also my daughter on top of it all. So when I did start dating, I was just having casual, you know, sex and dates, and it was great. I loved it. And now

I've met someone. I've been with him for eight months, and I totally love this guy. I love him a lot, and I've moved in with him. And my daughter loves him. It's just, I feel like I miss, I'm missing out. Because I was so used to being single and getting attention. And, you know, the things that I'd never had experienced before.

And I just, I'm just scared. I don't know, maybe, if I'm just scared because I had such a bad relationship. Well, I think there's a lot of me. I don't know how to move forward. Well, yeah, I get all of that. Well, first of all, I'm just scared because I had such a bad relate to it. I think there's a lot of movement. I'm going to move forward. Well, yeah, I get all of that. Well, first of all, I'm wondering, so you've moved in with them after eight months with your daughter?

I've been with him for four months now in his house, but for four months dating and then I moved in, my lease came up. And so instead of me finding another year lease, he wanted me to move in with him. Okay. So there's a lot going on here. I mean, there's a few things I want to say. First of all, we tend to often heal our past relationships and our current relationships. So it sounds like you were not in how the relationship with your husband, you were missing a lot of attention and love and affection. And I'm so glad that you found someone right now who's giving you all of that. And I'm also wondering though if you've actually been in therapy as well since your break up the marriage of your marriage. Because it's really important for you as well.

No, I haven't. I know it sounds bad and I probably should. No, it's not bad at all. It's just I've been concentrating on my daughter. Right. Only that I haven't had time. I have to work and then take care of her. I understand.

I've got to visit since therapy. I know, sweetie. There's a lot going on. It's really hard, but it's the most, it means hard to make time for everything. But I feel like you've been through a trauma as well. And just to be as supportive as you can with your daughter, I feel like, you know, it's pretty quick to move into another relationship, move in with someone and your daughter's along with you with another guy.

And I want you to kind of slow it down. I love that you're getting all this tension. You're probably starving for it during that 14 years, or during that 14 year marriage. It sounds like it was not healthy for anybody. And I know this feels so good right now, and you're filled up, and you're serotonin, all those love hormones.

But I'm just wondering if this is not moving a little bit too fast, and that I just want you to put as much focus on your mental health and realizing what your part in this was as well, because yes, he was abusive, but there were probably some things that signs that you saw or things that you could work on about yourself, because you've also again, you've been through trauma. And you're going to, right now, you're in the honeymoon phase with this guy, everything seems great, but I feel like there's just, there's still some things for you to work on.

I know it. I mean, you're never done. I mean, I go back in therapy, you know, I now, I mean, I through my, but I feel like there's still some things for you to work on. I know it. You're never done. I mean, I go back in therapy. Now, I mean, through my lifetime, and I feel like it's just important for everybody, and especially for you right now, because then you can be there for yourself and your daughter. I agree. Yeah. Okay.

I know I need to do it. Yeah. And it's not even like, oh my God, the gym, no, like this is actually your mental health is the most important thing. You will be a better mother, a better girlfriend, a better everything. And I think that there's a lot to unpack here that you probably haven't, don't even know yet,

because you've been going through trauma tape being a great mom and taking care of your daughter. So I would say when we hang up right now, I would love you to either ask friends for recommendation, Collier Insurance Company, because literally that's the hardest part sometimes, is just getting the name and getting the appointment. But I'm telling you, it will be life changing.

And if you have to meet with three different people to find a good match, you should do that. But it's so important. It's not even about the guy now. And you being afraid of intimacy. I feel like it's really about dealing with the past and where you want to go in the future. Okay. Okay.

Okay. And I know you didn't want to hear that maybe, but I'm telling you it's the right thing. Okay, sweetie. No, we're right. I need to concentrate on me. Yeah, you do. You really do right now. I'm just for everyone. So it's the right thing. Okay, sweetie. Now we're right. I need to concentrate on me. Yeah, you do. You really do right now, I'm just for everyone.

So, that's the best thing. I'm sorry, you've been through so much, but you sound good and you're on the right path towards healing. All right, thank you for my... Thanks Katrina. Bye. Have a great day. Thanks for coming.

Bye. Thank you, bye. You guys, I know sometimes I might sound like I'm just throwing around the therapy coming again. We need therapy, but you need therapy, but we all got to work through stuff. You understand this, right? Like, we all go through things in life, but when it's very specific like this, like a trauma, you know, really bad marriage divorce,

whatever it is, we got it, get into therapy and see a few people. Find out who it's a good fit. It's almost like getting into a relationship. It truly is a very intimate relationship. And also, you guys, saying that you've gone to therapy once, oh, we don't want to toys. It didn't work for me, does not count. Like, I did therapy, I did it three times. No, therapy is like, you go in, you guys saying that you've gone to therapy once. Oh, we don't want to toys. It didn't work for me. It does not count.

Like, I did therapy. I did it three times. No, therapy is like you go in, you commit, you go every week for at least a year and it's life changing. That's what I think we gotta focus on. Focus on ourselves. Our mental health is so important. Okay, everyone, thank you for listening.

Thanks for being a part of the show. I so appreciate it. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Jamie, our volunteers, Shannon, Jenny, Sarah, producer, Lark, and Michael. And thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Text Ask Emily to 7979. you