Shawn Ryan Show - #61 Tyler Grey - Intense Combat / Injury That Ended His Career | Part 2

Episode Date: June 12, 2023

Former Delta Force Operator Tyler Grey is back in part two of this two part series. This episode covers the invasion of Fallujah and the horrors of conventional warfare. Grey even discusses his role in supporting the Marines and former SRS guest Cody Alford. Grey takes us back to the night he and his unit went on the hunt for an HVT and how he sustained a life changing injury in Sadr City, Iraq. We cover his multi-year recovery and show never before seen video footage he created as a roadmap to move forward. Shawn & Tyler wrestle with the tough questions like "where do emotions come from?" Part two is a perfect end to Tyler's incredible story. Shawn Ryan Show Sponsors: https://1stphorm.com/srs https://expressvpn.com/shawn https://blackbuffalo.com - USE CODE "SRS" https://moinkbox.com/srs https://mudwtr.com/shawn - USE CODE "SHAWNMUD" https://learshawn.com - Best Way to Invest in Gold Lear Capital Call them today at 800-741-0551 or go to https://LearShawn.com Get your FREE Gold and Silver investor guides from Lear Capital Receive up to $15,000 in FREE bonus metals with a qualified purchase Information contained within Lear Capital’s website is for general educational purposes and is not investment, tax, or legal advice. Past performance may not be indicative of future results. Consult with your tax attorney or financial professional before making an investment decision. Tyler Grey Links: SEAL Team Series - https://www.cbs.com/shows/seal-team/ Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/tyleragrey Please leave us a review on Apple & Spotify Podcasts. Vigilance Elite/Shawn Ryan Links: Website | Patreon | TikTok | Instagram Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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in delightful scents like peach, strawberry, and cucumber melon. Stock up on all your summer favorites that could only come from HB to Texas with love. Hey everybody, part two of the series, Tyler Gray, former Ranger Delta operator, producer, director, and actor of the show Seal Team acted on several other movies as well. If you guys haven't checked out part one I'd highly recommend it. He really opens up on this one. This is going to help a lot of people. Patreon, oh you

guys a huge thank you for supporting the show. Wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you guys. I love you. I love you everybody. If you haven't please head over to Spotify and Apple Podcasts. Leave us a review. tell us how we're doing. Tell us who you want to see on the show. But hey, thank you everybody for being here no matter how much support you've given us. If you're new, share this with a friend and ladies and gentlemen without further ado, please welcome Tyler Gray for part two of the series. See you soon. Previously on The Sean Ryan Show. How many people depend on you? Even the idea you're the producer of SEAL team

or director of SEAL team. Oh, no. Well, that's work, I mean. That's your life. Yeah. You can be able to depend on you. A bunch of dudes got shot by 13 or I don't know, 13 or 14 dudes, to note it, I mean, these guys were real pieces.

All of them suicide bombers, all everyone, about to blow themselves up. One guy was in the kitchen, and he had dragged himself from the living room. And I don't know how many times he was shot, but I saw him, you know, I was gonna hide like, pretty quickly. I'm just gonna, I'm going to die like pretty quickly. I was just going to watch it. I was probably a foot from his face.

Like if you think what the military used to be, which is a bunch of war lines online, marching on an open field to face each other, it's the same mentality. Yeah. Come back, we'll finish it up. You're our act deployment. All right, Tyler, we're back from the break.

Let's wrap that deployment up. Damn, I'm trying to think what happened at the end. Yeah, so Flusia, I mean, it was just a... You know, for me, that was like, all right, like, that's war, you know, like, chicken all out, you know, Cobra helicopter is coming in, chicken, airplanes, tanks, you know, it was like, wow, so again, I'm glad I got to see that. And then did that amount of violence affect you? Not, I mean, I'm not a violent person at all. Like, well, again, let's fuck with kids.

You know? But other than that, like, let's fuck with kids, you know. But other than that, like I, you know, I, it's like fighting, like, dude, I've, I've, I mean, I've been punched in the face, but I've never, like, I mean, I've not been in a lot of fights, you know, because what's the point? Like, are you gonna kill me? Am I gonna kill you?

No? No fucks-poor fighting. You go? You don't mean like, it doesn't, like, no. If you're not, violence doesn't make sense unless you're gonna kill a person. I mean, to me, you know. And so it's, you know, I mean mean it didn't bother me. You know, I was lucky in the sense that, again, the only thing that affected me was definitely seeing kids hurt.

That affects me. Did you see a lot of that? Not a lot. I saw it. But again, I was super lucky in the sense that I was in a unit that is a scalpel. So, I mean, no one shooting non-combatants. The amount of effort we're taking to not hurt civilians was, and we were doing basically hostage rescue style tactics to not hurt combatants, especially at the time.

So, no, I didn't see a lot of hurt non-combatants I mean you definitely you know it happened happens you know shitheads and and I saw you know Kid stuff which again, it's It's sad. What kind of kid stuff, what did you see? Uh, girl got like her arm. I can't remember if it was blown off or, I don't remember, I mean,

quite honestly, in hindsight, it was probably about what happened to my arm in hindsight. And it was total accident. I won't get into the details on how it happened, but no one's fault, you know, it's total accident. I won't get into details on how it happened, but no one's fault, you know, it's fucking a war. But, yeah, that was, yeah, it's just, you just can't, yeah, it's like cops and EMT.

And if you just, if you get emotionally attached, you couldn't do the job. But it's worth noting, actually, that when I made up that fake person, I shut off all emotion. That sensitive kid I had to kill. So I just shut it off. I mean, to the point, I'm not exaggerating, to the point where when I was in that treatment, you know, they asked me, what was it about?

It was about feelings. They asked me a question, I think it was written just about feelings. And I was like, can you give me a list of feelings to like pick for, because I was like, I was so unused to like, like how do I feel about something? I mean, I was stumped, I really didn't know how to answer.

I was like, can you guys have examples? So I can figure out how I feel about it. And I actually, one of the exercises I did was I would have to like, try and feel, like, okay, what do I feel? Like, what is it? How can I feel, how in my body can I tell? I feel a certain way in my mind or emotionally, I should say. Because pure emotionally, I don't feel anything. If you ever thought about where emotions even fucking come from. The devil.

You might be right. You know, again, it isn't a fucking weird? Where do they come from? I mean, the only thing I can come up with is I'm a fan of evolutionary psychology and, you know, emotions make sense to reinforce certain behaviors. I mean, how was it created? Yeah, I mean, how was it created? Yeah, I mean, you know what I mean? It's just, it's a fascinating topic.

I mean, a lot of people are here and they're like, oh, where the come from your brain? No, I mean, where the fuck do they come from? Yeah. If I dissect your brain and I cut out a little fucking chunk I'm gonna see Sadness am I gonna see happiness? I'm gonna see anger You're not gonna see any of that shit where the fuck do they come from

This is where I hope you would say from the heart All emotions are from the heart, man. Yeah, I mean, brain science is, you know, it's interesting to me because, you know, you're trying to understand the system from within that system. It's not gonna go well. I think you're gonna miss a lot of stuff, you know? But yeah, I mean, I just, I had no emotions.

And again, I'm making no mistake. I'm still not good at it at all. Like I'm, you know, like I say things and I don't realize, like with my girlfriend, you know, like I'm saying emotional things, but not emotionally. I mean them, but there's no emotion in them. Because I don't have emotion. So I'm trying to,

honestly trying to learn how to feel, you know, and going back to, why am I hesitant? Because that's where all the freaking risk is As soon as you start having feelings You know, you open yourself up for hurt feelings, negative feelings You know, like it's

You know, if that's the case, why do you want to feel again? If that's the case, why do you want to feel again? Because that's what being human is. Everything else is just a shell. And I've been one for a long time. On that note, the reason I have always liked movies is it is the only, well, end music, but I will absolutely, my whole life really, I've shut down, well I mean after, you know, whatever age, but shut down emotion with one exception. Movies and music.

It's like a safe place where I can watch a movie and cry. I can listen to a sad song and release a motion because it's not reflective of me. It has nothing to do with me. You know what I mean? It doesn't... It's not about me. I can watch this movie and I can be sad and fucking cry in extreme cases like the notebook which I think I actually did cry as much fucking sad I won't give a fuck what anybody says and it doesn't

it's not reflective of my own life it's not reflective of my own past it's not reflective of my own life. It's not reflective of my own past. It's not, you know, it's separate. It's it's safe And yeah, I know that's wrong. I you know trying to get better than that, but During my you know up until recently It was my it was my only emotional release really of any kind It was my, it was my only emotional release, really, of any kind. And I mean, even now, again, I don't mind saying it. We can't talk about earlier, but, you know, as I was saying earlier, people are like, oh, you know, when you talk it you talk very raw about you're really open

Yeah, but The reason I can do that is because I have no emotion towards it I can be matter of fact because I don't feel anything Tell you about the worst day of my life. I was a fucking kid. I shit my pants. I can't. Literally. I'm detached from that.

I really thought about it. If I really focused on it and let the actual emotion happen, do I fucking cry? Could've been sad as fuck. But it's so hard to get to that place because I'm so shut off. So, I think a lot of guys can relate to that. I hope so. I hope so.

But that's the irony is I kind of want to get, like my goal is to get to a place where I can't talk this candid without it affecting me. Because it doesn't, and that's not healthy. Yeah, I'm like, you know, but going back to, yeah, that deployment ended. We got, did some other stuff too, and other places, what kind of stuff. Well, it was a fucking nightmare, because the rest everyone else was in Baghdad.

This is one of the most dangerous things I've ever done. So everyone else was in Baghdad, we were in Fluja. So if they were doing a mission and they needed us, they would have us drive in civilian, unarmored vehicles, dressed in a certain way, from pollution back then. Unarmored, like, dead drove an alpha or male. Like... Some of those try this were level 10 fucking sketchy. Like... It got to a point I have to get how many times we did it, but finally

one was so bad that my team was like, fuck you. Like you want us to send a fucking healer. We're not doing it again. I'm like, I don't know, 45 minute drive, something like that. But yeah, one way almost, we got long story short, we got fucking stuck in traffic. I mean, literally couldn't move boxed in and fucking all the fighters were leaving flusha and they were fucking walking through the trap. I mean dude. What a shit done. I mean do we got lucky

but that was probably the only time that I was like, oh shit. You know, like, oh fuck, like, anything goes wrong, we're done. There's no way out, refact, you can't even fight back. Then you could do. Yeah, so that deployment ended, went back, you know, like in standard cycle training blah blah blah.

Next trip to, uh, was straight back dad. Um, street back dad and, uh, that one, that was when, oh, five, like every target was legit, you know, like, like, fucking serious, you know, was it, you know, it was like a great deployment. I mean, dude, we do some nights we do. I forget what the record that trip was. Either three or four, I can't remember follow on's damn like did it hit four or nine? I was at three four can't remember But yeah did it hit because I remember one particularly which had to be this one that We hit a place got the guy Had him tell us where the other place was

had him tell us where the other place was. I can't remember if it was through it for him. But anyways, we ended up doing where we ended because the sun was coming up and the little birds wouldn't stay. They wouldn't fly in the day, we're obviously reasons. So we were done, but yeah, we were out all night long. I mean, I was, it's not a great deployment. Obviously the mission I got blown up on, was that that deployment?

Yeah, so what happened was this was Sauders City, and we were doing a video, a vehicle drop, basically dropping off and then walking to Target, because for noise and uh, did you go through Sauders City? I mean, it's like a sh- it's like shittl, you know, like dirt roads and- and the houses don't, you know, like most parts of Baghdad, shits like fucking rows of you know the compound type, you know, I mean like Perfect blocks, you know, just like in Saadir city

You know shits just about organized Anyways, we're walking and I know like this is a target and So we hit it as a breach at the time we hit it. We went in I was like, no, the same place. I just tell you know, just by the people, kids, I was like, no, something's wrong. And I mean, I'm standing right there for like 30 or 45 minutes,

you know, the interpreter trying to figure shit out. And then we got called outside and it was my team and another team. The other team was a dev group team. And then they were like, oh no, no, no, it's this house, distance-wise. Maybe a hundred meters fish. I'd probably see it today and go, well, I was way up, but in my head about a hundred meters. So the DevGroup team went around or was going around the front and we were heading towards the back. And the next thing, no fucking fourth of July, like I want to say from memory there were eight dudes in the front room and when the team came around, dude, they all opened up out the windows on those guys.

I think three of them got hit, like I mean right away and you know they had just come around. So basically what happened was when we hit the house next door obviously those fuckers woke up and started you know kidding up and I mean it was an ambush. As soon as the shooting went off on the on the front side so I was a preacher for my team, so I had to get us in. So I ran, I think I jumped along, remember how the fuck I went and have a ladder. But anyways, got over the wall and I thought, I don't even remember how I breached the door. Anyways, went in the door. door. Anyways, went in the door and just you know started clearing and I mean they were still firing and then we cleared one room, cleared another room, there's guy with an AK in there and then came out, I mean another guy ended up being side by side going down the hallway.

And then they, I don't know, can't fully explain how I was aware of it, but like, I was aware that they were shooting, they started shooting. They basically sensed us coming down their hallway wall and then just started shooting through the wall. And so all these bullets came through the wall. And I don't remember looking at the holes, but I remember feeling like the shit, you know, whatever. I remember the pressure, the sound.

And then the guy next to me got hit. I remember him saying he was hit. I think he was hit three or four times. I can't remember. Um, and so not DFQ were like, maybe there's a better way. So we went back. If we would have kept going, and dead as fuck, no, no question. No way fucking two guys are going to, I don't, I don't care what your fucking CQB tactics are. I'm not going in against 8A case, even a 4-man team ain't happening. And so we pulled back and then he,

I assume he went outside to get medial aid and then it was me and another guy. And basically it was a tactical conundrum, which is at the end of a long hallway you have a door how do you throw a grenade? you can't you can't fucking curb it like wanted it's not the matrix so the only option we had which we were figuring was, I'm gonna fucking shoot the door, I'm gonna fucking keep dumping rounds at the door. As we move up to where he gets close enough to hook it in. And then they won't run back again.

And that was the plan. I can't wait for you to grab a grenade, I don't fucking remember. But next thing I do, I can, everything exploded. And I, who grabbed the grenade? No, no, he was gonna, he was about to prep the grenade. It wasn't the grenade, but that was the plan to throw the grenade and then,

and then just everything exploded. It wasn't his grenade. to throw the grenade and then just everything exploded. It wasn't his grenade. The fucking house dropped? No, just the whole hallway exploded. Just the whole hallway, fucking, I bet. It's hard to describe. The best way I can describe it is I felt like the Hulk grabbed me

and just did his fucking, like I felt small. Insignificant to the power. And I felt like, I don't know, like, in my head immediately. I remember being on the ground, I remember looking up and like dust was just like a weird and I remember feeling like my arm was blown off It was a feeling and it sounds weird, but like it felt not there Oh, and it was night and it blew my Nods off my face and it blew my nods off my face.

Probably would have blinded me except for my glasses, but yeah, blew my nods straight off my face. Blue, my God, I was fucked up, couldn't use it. I don't know if I've ever been this excited to represent a brand. I'm talking about first form. I just align so well with what they've got. First form is a supplement company. They have just about every supplement

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and is not investment, tax, or legal advice. Past performance may not be indicative of future results, consult with your tax attorney or financial professional before making an investment decision. And so I, maybe it's just because I watch too many movies, I don't know, but in my head, I reverted to saving private Ryan and tried to look for my arm on the ground. I remember thinking of that scene when it happened. I didn't find anything, but I asked him to see anything. And then I abandoned that idea.

I got up, I walked outside, and there was like a porch light and I looked at my arm and it was just fucking, it was fucking, I mean from here to here, you know, and this was flayed out that way and this was flayed out that way. I mean, it was broken in like eight places. So it was literally holding on if you can see it by that Holy shit. I mean dude it When I looked at it there was zero Question on my mind it was gone

Zero I wasn't even a thought that it was Savable so I looked at my arm like well, that's fucked like no question gone and So I looked at my arm, like, well, that's fucked. Like, no question, go on. And then I also was like, you know, I had an arterial bleed and then I was like, ah, fuck, I lost my arm. Like, fuck, I'm gonna be that dude with, I mean, literally, I'm thinking this, I'm gonna be that guy without an arm.

And then I remember thinking, fuck, I'm like, like, I have an arterial bleed and I'm like, well, shit, if I don't fix that, I'm like, I've been arterial bleed, and I'm like, well shit, if I don't fix that, I'll die. That'll be fucking stupid. And again, I just, I remember these words very clearly. That'd be stupid. So, and then the wall that I had got over to get in was there.

I looked at it, I'm like, well, I didn't happen to. So, I just fucking plopop my back against the wall and tried to get out my turn-to-kit. How do they teach you to put on a turn-to-kit? I put mine on rubber bands on the... No, no, on your arm, let's say. What do you do the training? How do they usually do it? Oh, yeah. Dude, my arm was fucking... Like, if your arm needs a turn to kit, you can't do this, you know what I mean? Like, I was like, fuck, you know, like, you know, like, I don't know how to do it.

Um, here's crazy part of the story. Guess who the guy is that gets to me and puts the turn of it on me. I've mentioned him once. Who is the team leader of the unit team in Afghanistan that I worked with? Go incident? Probably not. Crazy, right?

Now, he's the one that put turning on me He's also I believe I'm not 100% sure I'd have to ask him But I believe he's still in the key me the Cuz it blew off my auto injectors morphing cuz it was in my pocket He gave me one like five minutes later. He's like how you feel I'm like Still pretty shitty And then so he gave me the other one another he's like, how you feelin'? I'm like, still pretty shity. And then so he gave me the other one. Another five minutes go by.

How you feelin'? Not good. Long story short, it came out in the hospital, like a month later, that I was morphine intolerant. Then test for it at the time, didn't do anything. Like my body doesn't process it. Because I was like, I'm like thinking of these Vietnam movies of being like, oh man, it's you.

And I'm like, I don't feel any better. I'll tell you what, I hurt like a motherfucker was the turnikit. Because it's where you feel. Like that thing hurt. Like in my head, I was like, kind of think, so tight. Can you just, oh, no, that's the point.

That's the point. But yeah, I was lucky. Again, if I can spoil, had one of the best, medics probably in the entire military worked on me for 20 minutes And then I was very lucky we had a we had little birds circling I think for Cass I can't remember and they called one in and put me on it

So I you've act within 20 minutes to the cash and Baghdad But if it wasn't for that I I You know But if it wasn't for that, I mean, I, you know, had I known the level of care I did, I wouldn't probably die. What was the explosion? What's that?

What was the explosion? It was a charge. Was it your charge? No. Fuck, man. Yeah, I'll leave it at that, but no. But again, yeah, what are you gonna do? It's fucking war.

Like it really doesn't bother me. It doesn't make a difference what it is, you know? Yeah. And I'm gonna find that out until two months later. It was in the hospital. And like everything I thought, like was... And I sat me down, started explaining it.

I was just like... But again. So how did you process that at the time? I don't remember. I don't remember. You're fucking good at compartmentalizing. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of things I would genuinely don't remember.

But I do know I have a good memory. So when I don't remember something, it's probably a reason. But yeah. And, you know, again, it's just... Everyone loves to... I don't know, loves I shouldn't say it that way, but like... You know, you hear the word, why? Why, why, why, why. You said you grew up a...

You said this off camera. You said you grew up a, you said this off camera. You said you grew up an atheist. Did you think you were gonna die there? Oh, I'm glad you asked that. I'm glad you asked that actually. So, I'm so glad you asked that. And actually, I didn't tell you, but I'll tell you the...

So, at the, um, I went to a Christian camp, I think I was eight, I don't know, exactly remember. But, uh, it was the camp that I shit my pants at. And, um, uh, because I wet my bed for like, until I was like 15. Like a shit, you know? Mokin. Yeah, it's, it's pretty common with like, alcohol parents. It's just, it's just, what is it? It's like stress, you know. Yeah, like I fucking...

I would probably pee my bed most nights. Like, and I would go on sleepovers and I would be fucking terrified. Terrified. Anyway, so I go to this camp and you know, me being the one to one up myself. I don't pee my pants. I shit my pants in the cabin with everyone. And I remember being in the bathroom cleaning shit up out of my pajamas. And I just remember being like so angry at like,

this was a religious camp and I just was like, there's no God. You know, and it was either the day before the day after, I honestly don't know. And the guy was saying something, and I just, I listened it, and I'm like, nope, bullshit. You know, no, it doesn't make sense, I don't agree. And after that, I just, I tuned out. Like, I, there was also another thing where like we all got in trouble because some other,

and couldn't go ride horses because some other kids did something, you know, group punishment. And I was like, fuck that. I don't agree with that. It's not what God would do, you know? And so, yeah, that, that kind of was the end of organized religion for me. that kind of was the end of organized religion for me. So then when I got blown up, it was when I never lost consciousness except when they got me over the wall, which I have no idea how they did it. I need to ask someone because I have no idea.

I lost consciousness, I'm sure, from pain there, because I don't remember that at all. It's only five minute period, I don't remember. And then they got me like into the open area and then and it was before because the medic was treating the guys that were shot on the front side. And when he finally got or before he got to me it occurred to me that I might die. And so then I was like, quite honestly, a little excited about like, oh shit, this is when religion hits you. And I was like,

still bullshit. There was nothing. For me, do you keep in touch with these guys that you were on that op with? No, I didn't think so. I'll tell you this, one of them was Andy Stump. Andy Stump was one of the guys that got shot on the front side of the house. I haven't been on Andy's podcast, but Andy, I mean, we put it out, you know, mentioned on Instagram, but Andy was one of the guys. That's when Andy got shot Yeah, what are the odds damn But I would to be a perfect last week. I'm probably avoiding it. There's probably a reason I haven't

I would to be a perfect honest with you, I'm probably avoiding it. There's probably a reason I haven't asked Andy to do this podcast. There's probably a reason that I don't keep in contact really with any of them, you know. Not that I have I mean it's so long ago. I mean, I quite honestly, I can't imagine my arm normal now, you know, and I wouldn't trade

it for anything like this. Should I learn about myself? I wouldn't, I wouldn't give that up for anything. I'd do the same thing over again. Um, but yeah, I, there was nothing there. And again, it doesn't mean anything if you're a religious person. Just for me, I just, it didn't change me. It didn't change my mind, you know. My thinking was, you know, but all the shit in this world, and again,

with all the shit in this world, like again, with all the shit in this world, like, and it's what I used to say, with all the shit in this world, if God has a problem with me not believing in him, with all the bad shit, and I'm going to help for that, well then fuck you. I'll burn in hell as protest, You know, I was kind of my, you know, joking, just like, no, like that's, that's irrational, you know. But yeah, in that moment, I was just like, no, I still don't, I just don't, I don't feel it. Which again, I'll be perfectly honest, I was disappointing for me.

Now I was looking for something bigger than myself and I didn't feel it, you know. And then I got flown to the cache and I went in there and very quickly they stuck something at my ass. Yeah, which is odd. They check for internal fragmentation. But they like take my clothes off and then actually I know they stick. I'm like, what the fuck are you guys doing? It's right here, right here. You can see it. I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable, so I made a lot. Actually, quite honestly, I made some solid,

there was some solid material, a solid material before surgery. Like when they took off my pants, I was like, you girls know, cause it was James Ray or February, I'm like, you girls know it's cold outside. You guys know about shrinkage, right? Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! I mean, I was dropping these, these were golden fucking eggs. And nothing. Nothing. So disappointed. So disappointed.

And they were also freaking out because they were trying to take my best off. And I think I'd charge his fucking frags, you know, they're in the hospitals. They're like, oh my god! Five ordinance! They're like freaking out, I'm like, you know, I've been fucking carrying that shit with me all, like, it's okay, it's not gonna explode on its own. But, um, yeah, and then they grabbed me for surgery and they were

willing to end and they're like, we're gonna cut your arm off. But they just hit me with fucking drugs. I was like, you fucking cut both my legs off too. I don't do a fuck right now. And then I woke up the next morning and that was there. And I'll give a little shout out to, then I went to, I got phoned very quickly to, a belaud, and I think it was, I think it was my crystal, came and visited J-soc Commander at the time.

Damn, man. Cameamin visited me personally and was like, and I was just kind of like, the fuck, I mean, again, I was on a lot of drugs. I was like, what the fuck are you doing here? And he's like, I heard one of our guys was here. I was like, I mean, there's a reason they call him, stand the man, you know? But I'll never forget that. That was very, very solid of him. It was just me, you know. And then he asked me what my opinion was again, another joke. And I said, I think that we should leave

and nuke it from space. It's the only way to be sure. You know what that's from? I don't. It's from aliens. When there is like, I think we should leave and nuke it to, uh, nuke to be safe. It's the only way to be sure.

It's Michael Bean's line to, but he's supporting Gourney Weaver. But yeah, I make these like, you know, no. And he was just like, I was like, my drugs, leave me alone. Um, and then I'll tell you what, suck fucking balls. You know, when you're watching a movie, the character gets hurt, maybe it's evacuated, cut to him in the US. Dude, the Medevac flight to Germany

was something out of a nightmare. Really? Dude, again, one of those things I'll never forget. So at the time it was a 141, they didn't have a C-17 Medevac yet. And dude, so I had our doctor unit with me. Like he was assigned to me. And he was there all the like the whole that team was there. But then everyone else was like you know conventional forces. There was a bunch of Marines that got blown up by forgetting what

and I mean, dude, my doc like he's, dude, if I wanted a fucking glass of water, you can go ask water. I mean, there's one nurse working the whole plane. And it was just watching these Marines that had gotten blown up that needed like, pain I did it. Again, fucking disgusted me. And finally, like, I think it was hit, I can't remember, but Dr. Just saw it and was like, hey, are you good? I'm like, fuck yes, I'm good. Go help them, you know, but that was sad.

And then we got to Germany. And again, I am fucked up on drugs and literally fucked up. I just don't ever yet. So they unloaded you from the plane and they put you in this like more of a van than a truck and it's like they had to they had I think three levels of the stretchers, right? And it's like you had to go up and then tilt onto this like holder thing because it held you like this.

And I am laying there and I'm watching. And again, it was four women. four women. And I mean, do my girlfriends, fitness person, ex-girlfriends, fitness person, there are a lot of strong women. Nothing sexist here. These women weren't those and I'm watching and I'm like they're gonna drop that guy. There's no fucking way. They're gonna drop and they weren't super tall. Sure shit. Fucking drop dropped a guy. And I was like they're not loading me on there. But I was just like damn. Not a good idea. I just should I remember like, and then anyways, I went to, I had a bunch of surgeries in Germany and then I got to the US and I only did like a day at Waltheraid and then they put me in our hospital so the unit could be close and monitor me with our doctors and then you know

fucking shitload of surgeries and then I mean I had surgeries for three or four years just until she had to fix one piece at a time So it took three or four years. Damn. When did you get out? So I was actually telling you this earlier. So when I got out, no, seven, I chose to medically retire because at the time, they told me that it would take five years and I forget the percentage, but it was, it was lower than 50%. Again, what their advice was, lower than a 50% chance that I would be able to return to a team after five years. I was like, no, that's, you know, it's not worth five years in my life for 50, 50. But I don't even think it was 50-50. And it was like four-year, 30 percent.

And I knew for those five years, I'd be watching everyone else deploy doing what I wanted to do. And not be, I mean, I think I even said it. I'm like, I killed myself. You know, like, I'm not strong enough to do that. I know what I'm strong at, and I know what I'm strong at and I know what I'm weak at and I can't do that. So, you know, you're offering me, I wanna be a surgeon and you're, I can't be a surgeon anymore

and you're offering me every other job in the hospital and if I can't be a surgeon, I just don't wanna work in the hospital anymore. And so I chose to get out. Damn. How long did that fuck with you for a while? Because later, you know, later became obvious that I definitely would have been able to go to a team. Definitely. They were right about the time frame. You know, got five years. But at the time, I thought five years

Afghanistan was pretty much done. I mean, at that time, I rack, you know, I knew it had only three, four years left. So my thinking was even if I was that 30%, and I go to a team, it's gonna be nothing going on. So after I pulled the plug on myself, and then freaking Afghanistan kicks up again, and then ISIS, and just, yeah, it's,

it's hard and easy. And what I mean by that is the hard part is I, it was my decision. The easy part is it was my decision. I'm not a victim of it. It's my decision and my reasoning at the time. My logical basis for why I chose to do what I did made sense. It was based on all the available information that did end up happening, but I didn't know that. No way I could have known that. So, yeah, I came to terms with it. Like, I'm, by accident, I should have said,

I came to terms with it. Like, I'm pretty confident I stayed in, I would have died. Yeah, I'm highly confident. Why do you think that? Because I was stupid as fuck. Just dumb. Just, just, it just like we got, like just very self-destructive.

Like I did a lot of risky things that were dumb. You know, looking back now, that's been what? 15 years ago. Mm-hmm. Do you think we ever should have been in Iraq? So at this point, you know, with any of them, I just no longer look at everything. Like, to me, the way I feel now is it's it's it's almost irrelevant because Afghanistan so people could say well Afghanistan is definitely justified because

Osab at laden you know plan it and he was in Afghanistan and he wouldn't give him up so so you know that was justified But but Iraq you know that wouldn't give him up so that was justified but Iraq, that wouldn't should we have been there. And okay, well, fuck we went and sent very small unit to just go get him in Pakistan. Could we have done that in Afghanistan? Did we have to invade the whole... You know, it's just like... Now, dude, I just look at... the politics of everything

and the politicians and the whole... that whole machine. And I don't trust anything. It says, like, nothing. It's a fucking shame, man. I don't think any of us do. Many more.

Yeah. I don't... I literally don't have any belief in that system anymore, none. I don't either. So, that's fucking sad. It is, but it's because we've seen it firsthand. You know, and it's just... It's a mechanism. you know, and it's just... it's a mechanism. Like war is a mechanism. It's a...

it's a tactic. It's a lot of things. Yeah, but it's not what we think it is, you know, now I'm sure it was different at some points, but, um, look at Ukraine. Like, if I can hear a Russian soldier conscript in Ukraine getting blown up by a javelin that you never even fucking saw. Now are the Ukrainians right in blowing up the tank? Fuck yes. But does this Russian soldier probably want to be there? Probably not, you know, and it's, are they there because, you know,

Ukraine's going to attack Russia really, like seriously, that's your reasoning, you're going with that, you know. That's like Taiwan attacking and taking over China, and come on, dude. Or your justification for attacking Ukraine is you're worried about the military build up in NATO. So you attack a country because you're worried that they're building up. Like, good, but they're, you realize that probably is going to make you like, the exact opposite is going to happen. They're going to build up more because you literally declared war on what

used to be a part of the city. I just, I don't, you know, people like, I'm gonna go fight in Ukraine. I'm like, you did a tap fun. It's just not my, it's not my game anymore. Yeah, and it's a game. It's absolutely a game. You know, I mean, that's what I, that's what I'm trying to explain. It's absolutely game.

But that's not scary thing. What's the scary thing? So the scary thing is, for that game, do we played, you have to have players. And we were the players. Yeah. And we played. Why did we play?

Well, I could tell you why I played because if I can want it to, did I play? Well, I could tell you why I played because the fuck I wanted to. Did I watch Rambo and I wanted PTSD? Like I wanted to be fucked up like Rambo. Yes, I know it says I was a fucked up kid. Get that. But I wanted to go to war. Like when we got worse to Afghanistan, I and're even listed for six years. So you've had to have the people to agree to go. And we're fast approaching point in human society,

where a person will be able to wage war without people. And that's fucking scary. Yeah. And it's, I mean, it's coming. It's happening. Oh yeah, I mean, it's happening on a smaller scale, but I mean, I'm telling you right now, freaking Elon Musk could probably buy, not Elon Musk is apparently a pretty solid dude,

but like, you know, someone could buy a autonomous army in Wait War without, yeah, no approval from anyone, no, I can program it. Go. That's, that's crazy. That's absolutely crazy to me. And that's what scares me about the future is the ability to the further you are away from the destruction easier it is to do. Now, the difference between me shooting you at 200 yards and me shooting you at two yards, it's a fundamental difference in my perspective of violence. Yeah. And my perspective of killing. And the further we get away from the effect, the further the cause gets away from the effect, it's just a lot of risk in that.

The easier it is to do. Exactly, yeah, exactly. No emotional attachment, nothing. No. And, you know, what if you didn't even, I mean, this is like, I like sci-fi. I think of movie stories, but what if you didn't even know what you're doing? What's real? I mean, do they can make it happen? It's a game. It's a drum game. You drop a ball

on somebody and it could be controlling your real drum. Like, you don't even, yeah, it's extreme, but I'm just saying like, it's not that extreme. It's crazy. I mean, it's extreme, but I'm just saying like, it's not that extreme. It's crazy. I mean, if it's not up close and personal, then there's no emotional attachment. And it really, you know, you don't see it. Yeah. You know, and I think that's something, there's no connection either to, to, to, to, to

friendlies. Yeah. You know, so when we started making the switch from specter, apaches, fast movers, A-tens, you know, to drones. Well, I don't know about you guys, but we used to go meet all the pilots. Everything, everyone sounds weird, but it used to go meet all the pilots everything every Sounds weird, but it's one big happy family, right or one big family and now You don't meet them at least we didn't you know when when that started happening We didn't we it's not like you go meet the drone pilots who are flying out of who knows where Nevada or where it used to be. Yeah, you know, now, which means if you're in some shit on the ground,

they don't know who the fuck you are. There's no emotional attachment. Yeah. It's not, should I just rub with those gents right before this operation? I get to get in there and buy some. Or even a person in a 10 that can see the ground, you know, or whatever cast or, you know, but can like see the people on the ground, you know, yeah, I mean, it's, yeah, it's, it's, everything's heading in a direction that is unprecedented, you know, yeah. Well, let's take a quick break and then, when we come back, we'll get into

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All right Tyler, we're back from the break. We're gonna get into civilian transition and all the glorious shit that happens during that time. During the break, what did we sell? Toothpaste? What's that? What did we sell during the break? Toothpaste?

I don't know what we're it, we do it. Crazy. Yeah, all right, let's do it. So we left off, you're medically retired. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Yeah, so medically retired. So the, I mean, just to, where's home for you, where are you going?? So, I gotta go a little bit back to, I was about to say, but I gotta go a little bit back for context. So,

six inch, six inch. Six inch, but it's thick. six inch six inch six inches, but it's thick. Six months before I got hurt, I started dating this girl. Okay, that girl would be the one that, when I mentioned the two girls, two X's that cheated on me, she was the first of that, to tie them together.

The one that I just recently had dinner with, you know, a couple, I don't know, six months go whatever. So I, so her and I were together. I got blown up and she was living in Portland and I was living in, well obviously North Carolina. And I didn't know where I, like, I mean I was from California. Looking back, this is funny because of how California is now, but even then I was like, I don't know I'm not going back to California. I'm like, government's crazy there. Shit. Little did I know

Oh, little did I know what would happen. Um, so You know, we just I forget how we came up with it. Be honest with you, but We ended up just choosing Vegas. She got a job there doing entertaining. I mean, I was still going through surgeries and stuff like that for a couple years. And then when I stopped, I tried to do the training thing there, and then I did also the body-yarning thing based out of there. So, yeah, I lived in Vegas, and now looking back at it, you know, why did I choose Vegas?

A bunch of reasons. One I think, you know, it's a place where no one's from. Most people move there from somewhere else, do their thing, and then leave. You know, it's a very transient city for people that are kind of unsure maybe of their direction and I think that was me or I don't think I know. But yeah, so we moved together to Vegas and you know, I'm three, maybe two years more of surgery at that point, ish. And then once the surgeries were over, you know, I had, that was about when, you know, like when the surgeries were happening, I kind of had a, you know, it sucks, but you're in a transition.

You know, you're not like, okay, what's the next step? Like, you know, you got another surgery in four months, you know, so it's easy to kind of like stay in that mode. When the surgeries were done, my last surgeries at the Mayo Clinic in Scottsdale, I'm actually the first active duty military person ever to get surgery at the Mayo Clinic randomly. And which is amazing, it's like amazing hospital. And so, you know, they, which actually I'll say what they told me when I went there. This was awesome. Say I go to the Mayo Clinic, which for those in the audience that

don't know, the Mayo Clinic is like the tier one of hospitals. They're the hospital that does stuff that then the other hospitals learn from. Like they are V-top possible. Second hospital or go to mail. This is I didn't know the number of surgery this was and they evaluate me. So once the military was done with me, I was sent to Mayo to see if there's anything they could do. Second male looks at me and goes, ooh, I did, I don't understand. Yeah, yeah, we can, you know, we can do this surgery. I mean, if you would have came here, you'd have like first, you'd have like 40% more function.

Damn, I'm like awesome thanks for telling me some of the bitch like not exactly shocked but so anyways they when that was over with, you know, it was like two years, you know, post. That's when the, that's when the identity crisis stuff I spoke about earlier really started. You know, being in the transition phase of the surgeries wasn't really, you know, it was, it was when everything was over with and it's not going to get any better. It is it. Like, you're here. And also, dude, you know, no one told me, like, I'd never done a street drug in my life. I'd never done any drugs in my life.

I never even smoked pot when I joined the military. No one told me that the pain medication was basically heroin. No one mentioned that little nugget. I didn't know. It says a nice bonus But I mean I was absolutely absolutely without question I didn't Officially, but I was definitely clinically depressed no doubt no doubt in my mind The question I kept asking myself over and over and over and over and over again was, I can't, I get over this. What's wrong with me? Why can't I overcome this?

I've always been able to overcome this. You know, it's like, and to me, in hindsight, that's all, just, chemically, I was, I was myself. Um, then I was definitely clinically depressed. No doubt about it. And, um, also taking opiates at the time for, you know, every surgery, I would be on, uh, you know, medication in the hospital, get out of the hospital would be on, you know, medication the hospital, get out of the hospital,

be on opiates, get off opiates, maybe have a month off them, another surgery, and that cycle repeated for a couple years, without really knowing that what they were. You know, so I was still using them at this time, you know, like, for pain, but again, they come with a big downside that I wasn't really aware of, because they definitely affect your mood and no question about it. So I was clinically depressed, and actually again, I'm saying this because I talked to about it not long ago. But you know, I probably was clinically depressed for two, three years. Just, nah,

maybe not three, probably two. It's just, I was never suicidal like I was, It's just... I was never suicidal, like I was, that's just not me. But I was definitely avoiding a wife. You know? Um, when I went out with my girlfriend and her girlfriends, like, dude, I'd get fucking hammered. Like true story. On New Years in Vegas I threw up at Parasilton's table. True story. Um, but it'll get you an extra bag of gummy bears. I was also with their bodyguarding and another ranger told Paris to shut her fucking sea mouth.

It's one of bet better days. Now it was, I got some stories from Bodyguarding. Oh, but that one, Greg. Oh, there's only one reason he got away with it. But he got away with it? Yes. For one reason. Well, I'll tell you, it's not. I mean, the owner, we were guarding the owner of the

nightclub, who was a multi billionaire. We were in his nightclub. She was a guest of his. He had too much to drink and was about to faint. And we're like, can you please get up, because we gotta sit him down. And like, you can't, you know. Basically, we're like, move or we're moving you. Like, I don't give a fuck who you are. Like, this is the client. He paid you to be here, and he's about to pass out. We're gonna, you know what I mean?

And then she started melting off to him, and he said that. But because of the situation and who he was and you know like he got away with it, but somebody probably got fired over it, but it wasn't him. Anyways, I, clinically dressed. So, um, yeah, I got and just fucking drunk as shit. I mean, go get a, you know, dead party pretty much. Yeah, four during that time, during the clinical depression, I was probably going out with my girlfriend and her friends, her entertainer friends for probably four to five nights a week.

How long? What time are you coming home? I would bring my sunglasses to the club. Nice. It's the way to go. In Vegas. And I mean, dude, we would, you know, get a table and I mean, dude, I would drink till I passed out. You know? I've never been a heavy, I didn't have my first drink until I got back from Afghanistan because my dad was an alcoholic. I hated alcohol, but they talked me into it.

So I was like, all right, then once that can of worms was opened, like I don't have the ability to not be an alcoholic. Because what I'm searching for is not, I mean, this is logical to me too though. Like, why would you drink unless the intent was to get drunk? It's literally poison.

It tastes good. If I'm gonna drink, I wanna go back up. So, you know, I was always searching for oblivion, you know, just the nothingness, you know. And yeah, so I drank, you know, like in hindsight it was absolutely an alcoholic at that time. But because it was social, I had been, it's not like I was drinking at home, you know. But when we went out and got a table and bottles, yeah dude, I was drinking until I was drinking

more. But it also, when everyone else is kind of doing, I mean, not as extreme as being, I went big. But everyone's drinking, you know, you just don't see it for what it is. Wasn't until years later that I figured out, oh, shit, I was an alcoholic during that time. And I was taking pain meds with it.

So that's when I started figuring out, like, all right, like, you know, I'm not, I'm having issues, you know, something's not right. And was at that time where only time, actually in my life that I went to the VA and I was like, hey, I'm having some mental health concerns, you know, whatever I said. And they gave me, I don't remember, but it was at least five prescriptions, at least. One of them made me pretty much incapable of doing anything. Cerequil. It's like a nuclear bomb. And then I went and saw their therapist and then I got annoyed with their therapist and I heard my own therapist and everyone kept saying the same thing. You have PTSD, you have PTSD. And I'm like, okay, I'll, like, save it in books.

And then after reading the books, I would, you know, ask them what I already knew. But, you know, what's PTSD? Okay, that's not what I'm talking about. Like, I'm talking about this. You guys are talking about this. But you keep saying, I'm saying this, you're saying PTSD is this,

but you're saying this is PTSD too. It's not. Nah, I mean, it's part of PTSD. I'm gonna go out. Why do I have PTSD? Like, well, you know, your experience is in combat, but I'm like, oh, okay. So PTSD is a combat thing. No?

Oh, well, I thought that's where you were going. Okay, so PTSD, like a military veteran thing. No. Again, kind of confused. So it's not a combat thing. It's not a veteran military thing. Well, who can have PTSD to college, so excuse me. Um, but another outstanding VA doctor. Oh, no, this is actually a civilian one. Oh, really?

Yeah. But I'm like, I didn't go to college. I don't have a master's or definitely I'm a doctorate. And I'm not English lit major or an English major, but don't have a master's or dove, I'm having a doctorate. And I'm not English lit major or an English major, but aren't words supposed to mean something specific? Call me crazy, but a chair doesn't mean 40 things. It means fucking chair. You can have 40 different, you know, a million types of chairs,

but they're all chairs. Like, one phrase can't mean everything. Can't mean everything and it can't mean everyone. And that's when I started searching for my own answers. Because if something means everything to everyone, then it means fucking nothing. It's catch-all phrase. Now I know what it really is. Do I know what it really is.

Do you know what it really is? PTSD. In the healthcare sense. Oh, I think it's a blanket diagnosis. It's a billing code. It's a blanket diagnosis for a specific mental health. It's in the DSM so they can put something that they don't know where else to put it under that.

What it is. I'm saying that because if anyone's out there and keeps hearing PTSD and it doesn't fit you, or it's, you know, people keep telling you it's at the end of the day if you want to fix yourself you have to fix yourself I don't give a fuck who it is. VA civilian you are your own specialist you are your own specialist, you are your own expert. And I started getting better once I started doing my own research and researching shit myself and looking things up and learning and understanding I had become an expert to fix myself. Nothing I still don't have many things to learn. But I learned

enough to realize that PTSD as an example. Let's say you have it right down the checklist. Is that it? Is that the only problem with you? I can answer that right now. Fuck no, it isn't. And I'll say that to anyone to their face. No, it isn't. The reason I know that is there's no fucking way that you don't have issues from your childhood that are unresult that contribute to

issues in in adult. Okay, on top of that, like every time, here's a good question. How do veterans who don't serve combat, how PTSD? Well, we kind of talked about this earlier. That's all relative. It's all relative, but it well goes back to, it's because they're putting what they don't know where to put it under PTSD. What I personally think every vet suffers from,

actually I don't think I know it's not debatable, it's fact. What do we all suffer from? Loss. Use suffer loss the day you get out. The day you go from going to be the same, loss of ummm identity, you have all these losses and if you look at the symptoms of the seven steps of grieving. For most people, that's more accurate than PTSD. It's loss. Now another one, the term that I hate. All right, you guys need to reintegrate. So let's talk about reintegration. I don't need to fucking reintegrate. For two reasons. One,

would you say at 18 you're integrated in society? No. No. So are you reintegrating if you joined at 18? Or are you integrating? It's a damn good point. You've never been in society. I mean, real society.

Never been in the real world. You went to school. So everyone's talking about reintegration as if we know what it was like to be integrated and we just get to remember, it's like right in the bike. Fuck you. Never been there. I don't know what it's like not like that, but

Hey, you know reintegrate or integrate well In a way like How many people are reintegrating, integrating, whatever, and miserable? And much everybody. And the reason some people are miserable, if you really look at it, is because of that integration. And what I mean by that is,

if you are you, and I say, you need to go into this environment where everyone is different than you, and you need to be like them, but you're not. It's gonna be fucking miserable. Because you're trying to pretend to be a little bit more careful. I'm just trying to be a little bit more careful. I'm just trying to be a little bit more careful.

I'm just trying to be a little bit more careful. I'm just trying to be a little bit more careful. I'm just trying to be a little bit more careful. I'm just trying to be a little bit more careful. I'm just trying to be a little bit more careful. I'm just trying to be a little bit more careful. I'm just trying to be a little bit more careful. I'm just trying to be a little bit more careful.

I'm just trying to be a little bit more careful. I'm just trying to be a little bit more careful. I'm just trying to be a little bit more careful. Here's why though. Reason is, I believe that I believe that many people join. I believe that many people join to, like in hindsight, I joined because I wanted to be self-destructive for a cause, because that gave me worth. I'm not worth anything on my own, but if I join this cause, and I sacrifice myself for a greater good, then I have worth in that redemption. That's why I joined.

I mean, it took me a long time to figure that out, but I think it's more common than people think they really thought about it. And where I'm going with that is the identity thing, the reason that the identity thing I think is military-wide is, I think it's military wide is, I would argue most people,

most people, like I said, I think you know who you are as a kid and then shit gets in your way. So then around that time, I mean, think about how you were, or how most people are at 18, pretty unsure of who you are in the world. So whether you're unsure, I would argue that most people don't really have

a solid identity at 18. On top of that, let's just say you did, solid identity. In either case, you join the military and their entire process is to strip it and give you a new one. So if you had one, it's going to get taken away and a new one's going to be given to you. And if you didn't have one, great, we got one for you. And what is your identity in the military, your job, your identity and your job are the same thing. So when you get out, when you lose the job, that's the identity. Why do you

think people identify as veterans? I think there's multiple reasons, but, you know, but you're saying you're a veteran, it's, to me, you, you're still in that identity of being in. You may be out, but you're still in, in your head, you haven't really got now. Any, you know, that that's not a blanket statement, except instead of anything. But, you know, that veteran is a term representing something done in the past, by definition. And, but when you're your job, you're, and look, I'm not saying, I don't think you could do the job without it being your identity. I think that's what it has to be.

But you're automatically or not you, but that system is absolutely setting up. It's giving you an identity and then stripping it. I mean, I agree with you. I also, I mean, I'd agree with you. I also, I mean, it's different. I don't think... I'm not looking to debate here, you know,

but, you know, if you take a guy like you or I, it was, they rip you out of society. You're with, I can't speak for your experience. For my experience, I'm with what, 16 people in a sea of platoon, you know, at that time for him that I was in. My whole fucking year is with those 16, yeah, not my whole year,

my whole cycle, my whole two year cycle. And then if I do another cycle, that's four years. Yeah, the whole. You know, and so your identity is shooting, blowing shit up, going to war, getting in fucking bar fights. I mean, that's, you're a warrior.

That doesn't, that is not military wide. A lot of military people come home to their families. They have regular jobs. They're on the medical field. They have camaraderie. They never deploy. They have, you know, and so. I should have been specific.

When I said military-wide, what I, actually what I heard, what I was saying in my head was service wide. I agree, it's not every job, every in the less. But I would say there's groups in every service that you know any of them take. Yes, they've ripped, when you're in a soft unit, you're ripped from everything you know,

willing, you know, willingly. I would say probably a blanket statement could be definitely all combat arms. Definitely all combat arms and others that, you know, I mean, we don't have to talk about every job, but definitely all combat arms. That's not, that's not a hit on either. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, I just want to make that clear. Dude, if you joined, like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you know, two and a half, three years, whatever it was. Then got a shitload of money for college. Now she's a radar tech or an X-ray tech and has been because she came out with the schooling and experience and then she got more college.

Like, we didn't use the system, right? But you can. And the people that do freaking hats off to you because you know, it definitely, you know, I think, you know, good on them, the people that don't freaking commit to that level of, well, again, destruction,, destruction. The people that are using it, you know, computer skills, you know, we're the ones that, you know, got jobs that translate to nothing. Yeah. I remember the A-CAP thing when I was in there, and they're like, we're the ones that got jobs that translate to nothing. No, I do remember literally.

It's the truth. It is the truth. I remember being in the A-CAP thing and trying to do the resume, that whole thing. And I was trying to, and I was, so when I A-CAP from the unit even, you start to go to the big army for like the A-CAP. What is A-CAP?

I don't even know what it's for. It's like, basically it means like it it's a little month long school or whatever before you get out to prepare you for a real world. Okay. It doesn't, but they make you make a resume. And I'm like, I was talking to the guy and like, did this, did this, and he's just like, you're like, what the fuck am I gonna turn this into?

Yeah, he's like, no, you just have to take, well, this way he tells me, no, you just have to take your military skills and then just reword them into something civilian. And I was like, all right, demo. And he's like, let me come over there and help you. You know, and I think everything on my resume just turned in like leadership, you know,

so there was no, that was it. But yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, definitely not. I think every service has, you know, components of that, except Space Force. They're too young to have any identity issues. But, you know, it's one of those things where, it just, it took me, it's one of the things where it just took me, it took me years to figure out what my,

even what my problems were, you know? And I think this is all self-research. I, if there's anything that I am good at or have a skill at. It's, you know, I'm pretty self-aware. Probably, I don't know why, I don't know what that's based on, but I've always been pretty self-aware. And so I would just constantly, so that you saw the documentary, or do you know about it? I know about it.

Or you know about it. OK, so in the documentary, there is video diary footage that I filmed. Oh, really? And what I was doing, there was a reason for it. And the reason was, I, so after that last experience with the therapist, I was like, fuck therapist, like, vasoc.

Like, and also at this time, by the way, I thought having a college degree meant you were smart. What did I know, You know, like, and that they knew more than me, just like you have a degree in, in, in this, so you know, more than me, not necessarily. And so, I was like, I'm done with therapists. All they do is listen to what I say and tell me shit and then I come to my own conclusions and I'm paying for it. Talk that. So what I started doing was I would film myself every day. I would do a video diary and I would talk about how I was feeling issues, whatever. And then I would go back later,

watch it and then try and self-assess and detach from that immediate moment and then try and watch it like I was a therapist watching someone else. And that's how I would figure out patterns and stuff that I felt were. Oh, I'm seeing this is, this is reoccurring. I've actually thought about doing that, believe it or not.

How would you start it? Hey, Dower, it's you again. No, I'm sorry. I joke. Seriously though though because I Well, I'll procrastinate it. I I haven't done it No, no, if I wanted to do no format turn on one of these things and just I'm I'm not joking actually when I say hey Teller it's you again, but you already know that like I would start with joke That's just me

And then when I watch it later obviously I thought I was hilarious, but how long would these be? It depends on how long I felt like talking, you know, until I just, it could be two minutes if it was something small, it could be 20 minutes. I don't know what the longest one was, but it was just as long as I felt like I had something to say. Would you think about what you're going to say before you turn the camera on? You would literally just set the camera down and talk into the camera for X amount of time.

Yep. What would wrap it up? Just when I felt like you got it out. I felt like when I felt like I had nothing more to contribute. Yeah. I'd shut it off. Or I mean, not contribute, but just get out, I guess. Like you said, like, okay, it's out.

Then I'd stop it. I'm sure the longest one was probably a fucking hour, but it's just like anything, you know? Those videos, dude, when they, you know, we filmed the documentary for a year and a half. And the director was like, man, because he was editing, and he's like, you know, I'm happy with what we're, you know, the message and everything. I just, I just, so many things you say, I wish we could go back to you during that time, post-entry.

And I was like, we can, and he's like, what, I didn't tell him. I mean, I filmed it for me, I, I never thought it'd go. I didn't know you were doing this. No idea. Literally, like, no idea. How long have you been doing this?

Well, I, now I do it much less frequently, but at the time I was doing it every day. No idea. Literally, no idea. How long have you been doing this? I now I do it much less frequently, but at the time I do it every day. How many years? How many? There's like a thousand. Ish. Dealer. How do you store them?

I'll date them on an external hardware. Do you date them? Yeah, yeah. To, when I had to go through them all to give to the documentary, I did a much matter. There was no organization before that and it took a fucking long time to go through. But, I mean, there's some stuff on there that I wouldn't even watch now, you know. Just, I can just broken. Just fundamentally broken.

And it's just sad. It's like watching it's you, but it's not you. You know, but yeah, I was like, oh, I got these videos that I was doing and they're like, are you serious? I'm like, yeah, like, would you give them to us? I was like, sure. And you know what the crazy thing is? This is crazy. When I had to watch them all before I gave them, excited to make sure there's nothing like that I shouldn't put out on there and You watched all those yeah over again. Yeah, yeah, it was yeah, it was not a fun process at that time and I mean I remember the last shit that I completely forgot about, but

But I would be watching and I'd be like, ooh man This piece this is important And I like logged all the important stuff basically Anything that was, you know, it had to have a certain, it had to have like me transitioning, you know, it couldn't be about, you know, me getting a naru with my brother, you know, as an example, not that, that happened. But, you know what I mean, it had to be relative.

So, I had to go through and make like time stamps of all the relevant shit and then pull the footage and then I sent it. But the stuff that I was like, this is bad. make like timestamps of all the relevant shit and then pull the footage and then I sent it. But the stuff that I was like this is by far gonna be in it. This is really important. Good shit. Not in the movie. Why not? So stuff that I was like, this is not important at all, but you know, it's, it is relative to the documentary. So I'll include it, but it's not going to make it. That's all in the movie. And it taught me something. What you think is interesting about your story is not what other people

will think is interesting. What you think is uninteresting about your personal is not what other people will think is interesting. What you think is uninteresting about your personal story is what others will be interested in. Dude, there's moments, there's like a moment in the documentary that's nothing to me. I shouldn't say nothing, but it just, it wasn't meaningful. Dude, I've had hundreds of people tell me that that really fucking affected them. What was it? So I'm... I'm on the computer and I'm filming... Oh, that's what happened. Okay.

I'm doing... I'm doing a diary and I don't... I don't remember what I'm talking about, but... I'm talking about how but I'm talking about how fucked up I am. The average on farm income in the United States was a loss of $1,100. 60% of US port comes from one company wholly owned by the Chinese. And farmers are more likely to commit suicide than veterans. Folks, we got a problem. I'm Lucinda, a generation farmer and founder of Moink. Moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo with us by putting the family farm at the center of your supper table. What's in it for you? You mean besides saving the family farm and enjoying the

highest quality meat on God's green earth? Geez, won't we hang the moon for you too? I'd love to. Go to mwinkbox.com slash yum right now and get a free gift in your first order. Get to getting one of the getting is good. Go to mwinkbox.com slash yum. MonkBox.com slash yum. I guarantee you're fixing to say,

oink oink, I'm just so happy I got more. The arm stood out the... the lobster claw, that's the extent of it. I'm just looking decent. Once you've begun. That's what I'm talking about, baby! So, anyways. You know, fuck those people, seriously, fuck them.

Cause here's the thing I realized in LA. No, he gives a fuck what you did in the military in LA. Nobody gives a fuck where you were at, what you did, nobody fucking cares. You know, so I'm just not going to mention it. I don't want to fucking talk about it anyways. You know, and I just, I don't want to fucking talk about it anyways. You know, and I just, I don't want to fucking talk about it. And nobody gives a shit, doesn't get you anywhere. What you did in an military means fucking nothing

in civilian life. Nobody gives a fuck. While in filming, my dad calls. On the phone, and I answer, I didn't stop filming. So I answer it. And you don't hear his side, but you get what he's saying from me, which is, you know, he's like, oh, I'm like, no, no, I'm good. I'm fine. No, I'm doing good.

You know, it's total fucking, I'm fucking just talking about how fucked up I am. And my dad calls me and I'm like, yeah, no, I'm good, dad. Great, no issues. That, you know, I could definitely see that. That moment didn't register. I think when I watched it, it just was like, you know, I didn't really, is there, is there anything specific that you wish was in the movie that didn't make it?

I mean, I'd have to... I mean, there's several diary things that... I mean, I don't remember exactly what it were, but there was at least 20 things that I thought were very important. Would you want to put it in this episode? Oh, fuck, I have... I'd have to go through and see, if I can find them, sure, I'm careful. I'll do it, I just have to see if I can, if I labeled them well enough to find those things.

Does that make sense? Well, I'll tell you what, if you have one, I'll put it in right now. Right, you have one, what? I'll splice it in to this episode right now. Yeah, no, no, no, when I get home, I'll look and see if... Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, fire and tempo.

I'm pretty sure I have... I would love to see that. Because I'm pretty sure I have just the isolated clips of what I pulled for the dior. So I'll just have to look, or I can get it from Rick, who did the Dye Greenery. So yeah, dude, much more like again, whatever you think is relevant. One little, yeah, whatever clip. I mean, it's but again, quite honestly, I'd rather send you the whole,

it's not, I didn't send them that many clips. Dude, I'd send them to you freaking. I don't know what's wrong with it. I know that. Okay. I don't know what's wrong. Because again, what I think is like, I just, none of them, none of them, I thought were important. Um, but I'll see, I'll see what I have. Um, or if I grouped them well enough by disc, then I might be able to isolate even more. Probably I'm going to do that now too. I do this.

So guess where I got the idea from, it's pretty interesting. There was, I read this story or watched it, I don't remember. Well, I didn't watch it. It was still streaming, and it wasn't like a documentary. I read it somewhere.

But there was a dude that had multiple personnel due to disorder. And he had been diagnosed. And so he started recording himself and then watching it later to see to learn the personalities because they're not aware of each other. So he was trying to learn more about himself. No shit.

That's where I got the idea from. Damn. I mean, I don't have multiple personalities in order, but I, well, I don't remember multiple personalities or plot to be perfectly frank. I felt like I did. I felt like I was so different from day to day that that's what wasn't just being my own therapist. It was like, I wanted to see the difference

and mood and the difference in temperament and everything. And dude, when I watched them, I actually forgot why I had done it until I had to rewatch them for the documentary. And then the first one, when I rewatched it, I said like, so I'm synchroficking therapist, so I'm gonna be my ill-inthera, but like I'd say it all out to my call. I think God I did that because now I, you know, I had forgotten. It's just weird, man. It's weird. But again, it goes back to nothing's easy. Like if you want something done to your standard,

not done right to your standard, you gotta do it yourself. Like with my arm, you know, with anything medical I learned. Dude, you are your own patient advocate. Like, no one is gonna take better care of you than you. And you just have to accept that. And accept that everyone has their own lives and they may have jobs to help other people,

but ultimately, if you wanna solve your problem, you're gonna have to do it yourself. I mean, you can get help, but you're the project manager. Damn, dude. Let's go fucking damn good message. I think that's the problem though, if you think about it. You know, like the VA, it's like, I mean, you can get help a lot of places.

But you can't, there's no project manager, overall. I mean, like hospitals, if you go see a doctor for whatever, and then you go to another hospital, that doctor doesn't call the other doctor and whatever, and then you go to another hospital, that doctor doesn't call the other doctor and go, hey, when we did surgery last year, I know that they don't talk. You need to convey it. You know? I mean, it's obvious when you say it, but you just don't think about it.

When you go see a therapist and then you go see another therapist, okay, maybe they get a page of notes. Yeah. That means nothing. Plus, a therapist, all therapist knows is what you tell them. That's it. By definition, maybe some other notes from a therapist,

but that's the other problem is, let's say you told a therapist, but that's the other problem is, let's say you told a therapist and nothing gets therapist. I have a therapist who's awesome. I love her. She's great. I should see her every week. I see her about every two weeks, but she's great. So I'm not against therapy. But so let's just say you had an issue and let's say, you know, let's say it's a battle just as an example. If there was a video and not like a drone feed, I'm talking like a movie version of your story of a battle. Told in depth in real time, not in cuts in real time. Let's say the battle was seven hours,

movies fucking seven hours. If the therapist watched that, If the therapist watched that, would they know what it was like to be there? No, not even close. Not even close. But they don't see a movie. They get a five minute conversation. They'll never know. And you have to accept that they'll never know. And it's not their fault. They're not capable of knowing.

You know. And you're the only person who knows. You're the only person who will ever know except that the people that were there with you. And those people's perspective is different. It's not the same. I know for me, a big part of, a big part of everything was just,

A big part of everything was just... Just letting you have control. I don't control anything. Literally anything. Plus, sometimes therapists love to say, oh, you do control your way, you feel torn something. No, you don't. No, you don't. And I can prove that. You're with the girl for 20 years, married,

and then one day you walk in, and I've said some things about women. You're a girl. Really a good one. And you're married to this dude for 20 years and one day you walk in and he's having sex with another girl. Don't get upset. Control yourself.

You can control your mind. Yeah, we have some control. but to say we have total controls just not true We don't control our Emotions to the degree that People would like to think we do so All we have a little bit of control over is So all we have a little bit of control over is how we feel about something, how we think about something, how we react to something.

It's the only thing we have a little bit of control over, and we don't even have full control over that. So... Fuck it, like... What does anything really matter? I mean, honestly, and I'm not saying that in a nihilistic negative sense It's just let go Luke quote star wars with my favorite movies of all time. It's just The quicker you just let go of trying to control things

The faster you'll be happy because you control nothing nothing Everything I tried to control cost misery because it was impossible. And then, then I was upset that I couldn't control it, didn't turn out the way I wanted. How many plans in your life have you made, and then they don't turn out the way you want,

then you get upset, as if you ever had control of that in the first place. So for me, you know, I just have to accept that with everything, like, I'll never be fixed. And that's okay. I think searching to be fixed is by definition, you can't go back. You know, once Pandora's out of the box, it's out. Yeah, and we'll never go back in.

How many guys, I've heard this so many times, in Dungamero, I said it to, if I could just get back to who I used to be, it's impossible. Because you've experienced, you will never get back. You cannot go back to ignorance. You know, you can't. You know it.

You experienced it, it happened. Whatever it is, you'll never go back. The only way forward is to go. You know what? I'm here now and I'll be comfortable with that. You cannot relive experiences in life and expect the same type of experience which just doesn't work like that. No and but that's a critical point that actually when I really one of the first steps towards me getting better and don't you wrong, I'm still in that case.

No question, like I have ton of issues. I like to put that out because everyone's like, oh, you seem to be doing well. Yeah, because I like, you know, I'm good at juggling chaos, but there's a lot of chaos. But the, one of the first things that really was a big step forward was me just realizing that I couldn't go back to the old me, just letting go of that, the old me. Once I did that, it was like, I'm not gonna try and get back there.

I'm just, all right, let's start over. That's when I started to build a new identity and a new, and not build a new identity and a new and not build a new identity. But who am I really? Let's figure it out. Instead of trying to get back to the old one, let's figure out the new one. And you're 100 people in your lifetime. You're never the same day to day.

Yeah. Every day you're different than the day before. And again, I mean, I've been working at this for a decade. I'm at the point where I can talk about it and I can talk about what I've found that work for me personally and I can say it and hopefully it can help get people on the same or a track that works for them. But again, I don't want anyone to like, I'm not fixed and I don't think fixed. And it wasn't even me, but I think it's always, it's just like life in general.

It's work every day. That's what it is. Yeah. You know, but we like to think that there's an in-state where you're done. And now it's... Well, I think the in-state is happiness, right? That would be the goal.

Yeah. Yeah, it's definitely the goal. I think that... I think I'm still like... The longer I go, the more I realize... You know, how backed up my browser history is. You know what I mean? Fuck man, I got a clear more shit, you know. Um, well it's just, you know, it's fine.

Um, but it goes back to you too. You talk about happiness and happiness can only be ever felt in one moment. Present. That's it. felt in one moment present. That's it. Yeah. And, you know, for me, you know, and I think for a lot of people, especially in the community,

like, I know personally that I'm happier climbing the mountain than I am at the top. I know personally that I'm happier climbing the mountain than I am at the top. It's the journey that's interesting. Yeah, you know. Once you're up there, there's only one thing to do. Let's go back down. Ventures over.

You've already been that way. Very true. You've already been that way. Very true. The reason I say that is when you said the insta being happy, I was thinking about it and I'm like... That's the mountain top for me. You know? I think I like working towards it more than, being zen and being like, I'm happy. I agree with you. I think that goes back to when we were talking about looking for the next best thing.

Some people do get to the top and they're able to enjoy to stop and enjoy it. And then there's the other breed where it's what's the next best thing. All right, I get. And, you know, I see that with guys in our community, I see that with high successful, high successful entrepreneurs. You know, when's the last time you celebrated any of your successes?

Ever? Are you, you're saying I've had some? Absolutely, yeah. Again, super dry, sorry. I was a joke of, no, I haven't celebrated, I didn't know I've had some. No, I've never celebrated anything. Yeah.

I remember one moment, one moment. I was quick, but I remember when I joined the director's guild, because I used to drive by it on sunset in my way. I used to drive by it, and I remember when I joined the director's guild, because I used to drive by it, it's on sunset in LA, I used to drive by it, and I'd always be like one day, one day I'm going to go inside there, and I'd be a member, and I remember after I signed the paperwork, and well, I was there in person, and then I laughed, you know, like signed my official membership and everything, and that's right, my motorcycle through the canyon. It just, as like, it happened. You know, and it was, it was a great three to five seconds. It was amazing.

But on that note, I'll mention this because I mean, it's related and that is, it's crazy how many things too that, there were like dreams as a kid, I'll say it as an example, like dreams you wanna do as a kid, you couldn't do or whatever, you're like, one day and then like one day being now, you realize like I can do that. You can do that right now.

But you haven't, because it just hasn't occurred to you. You know what I mean? Like for me, like as a kid, you know, if the rich people, when they went to Disneyland, stayed at the Disneyland hotel. Obviously, that was not my family. I am not how they afforded to go to Disneyland. Probably, sold blood plasma, I don't know.

But, you know, my ex and I were going to Disneyland and just I'm like, I'm ready to run with Disneyland hotel. Like, I can afford it. You know, I was just like, I'm gonna go there and I'm like, fuck how many other things have I always wanted and I just, I can do, but I, and where it comes from, now, you know, it's just, I never felt worthy of those things.

So even though I can do it now, I just don't feel like I deserve. So again, it's been a process to work towards, to go, like, about a sports car. to go like about a sports car. Would you get BMW i8? Nice, dude, it's pretty sick. I bought it. I don't know why, it's kinda, it just sounds like fuck. And I've always wanted to sports car. But I was like, oh no, it's a waste of money,

it's frivolous, I think I'll live it up, whatever. And then I bought it. And now, every day when I drive it, I love it. Every second I'm driving at a car, I don't wanna say it makes me happy, but I enjoy it. That's on one level. The other level that I've realized is the better I treat myself, the more I feel that I deserve it.

Really? And that is a trick that generally goes against what most people say. If they don't have that fundamental issue, it would be like, dude, you know, don't waste your money on X, Y, and Z. But now, the better I treat myself, the, you know, like a hotel, like, where did you learn that? Did you just come up with that?

I accidentally stumbled upon it just recently too. I mean, dude, like, what was it? What was the epiphany? Uh, it wasn't the car. I don't know. It was like... What was it? It was either staying somewhere. You know, it was something expensive and then I felt guilty

about it and then, but I was also like, no, I've worked hard, I deserve this. And then that kind of turned into, regardless of how hard I've worked, I deserve it, regardless. Like, I mean, if I can afford it, which obviously does come from hard work, but, you know, I'm saying it's like, like, dude, I, I got, I can afford it which obviously does come from hard work, but you know, I'm saying it's like Like dude, I got I would get a gift is that my ex my ex got me a Gucci wallet That entertainer ex got me a Gucci wallet. I hope she hasn't listen to this Like you couldn't come up with any other name You couldn't come up with any other name.

She might be busy entertaining. Oh well, she is busy entertaining for two kids. And she brought me a Gucci wallet. That Gucci wallet sat in my closet for years, sat in my closet For years for like years because Like I mean at the time I was like I'm not gonna I'm not gonna carry I was like a $300 wallet. That's ridiculous It was like on the surface subsurface was that's too nice for me. I'm not that way You know, I mean like I'm not the kind of person to have nice for me. I'm not that way. You know what I mean? Like,

I don't think I'm a person to have a designer wallet. And I'm not saying I am now. Like, I, you know, are jeans and solvents. I'm not wearing it now, but I, you know, I bought a really nice watch. You know what I mean? So it's like, still be you, but you know, you have to treat yourself well in order subconsciously to feel that you deserve to be treated well. If you don't treat yourself well, who else will? Or well, if you don't treat yourself well, who else will? And yeah, that was just accidental. And that's counter to, I used to, and I know you heard the podcast, I did it with John, but that's counter to the self-destructive behavior of, I will grow by destroying myself.

Yeah. And it's just, you know, we talked about earlier, but I want to say it on camera, which is, when I first was aware that I had some issues. I was like, I went to therapy and they're like, okay, this is the issue of PTSD. And then I didn't agree with that. And so then I did other things and then I was like, and then I actually found issues. This is an actual issue.

This isn't an actual issue. Okay. And then we kept researching and then I'd be like, oh, that has another one. And then dig some more. Now, here's another one. The problem is when you're a quote unquote, animal fucked up, I've got problems. Like, should I bet I had it my worst 100 problems? And they're 100 project problems. They're not a to do list. Like, turn out the lights, open the can. No, they're projects, complex problems. On that note, I'll say this.

You see therapists, what are they dealing with? They are dealing with you talking. That is not the brain. That is you giving them information, them taking that information, processing it, going through their schooling, and then regurgitating it to try and you know, generally change your perspective and heal your conscious thinking on a certain subject. But again, that's not physical. So you've got therapy, which is talking, but isn't the brain an electrochemical machine?

Yeah. Anyone, by the way, anyone who doesn't believe it, take acid. Yeah. Yeah, you'll know real quick that the brain is, that chemicals can fundamentally change reality. All right. Anyone who disagrees with that take acid, let me know how it goes. So, now you've got chemicals. You've got a chemical balance or an imbalance.

What's your baseline chemicals? Fuck, I don't know. Well, does the therapist test those? No, who does? Yeah, you'd have to fling somebody. You're the project manager, but that's my point. What about your hormones? That's separate than brain chemistry. That's hormones, integrin system.

Well, I don't think your hormones, you know, had a guy tell me, like, well, I don't think your hormones had a guy tell me like, I don't know how much your hormones regulate your brain. And I go, I go, I go, are you married? He's like, yeah, I'm like, keep thinking about that. See if anything pops in your head. And he's like, what do you mean? You know, and I'm like, never mind. I'm like, every month, anything changed.

And he was like, oh shit, I'm like, yeah dude, it's pretty fucking important. Dude, therapist or the brain people test for that? No, no, and they're all related. It's like having a car and saying that the steering wheel works completely independent from every other part of the car. Yeah. This work, we're so...

We're just so basic in our... mental health care. It, I'm gonna use the word and I'm fine with it. It's fucking pathetic. It's a mean of fucking pathetic. It's really pathetic and that's not by accident. You know, not to be a big, you know, but it's not by accident. The our health care system, I'm not shocking anyone when I say this, it treats symptoms, not diseases.

There's no money in treating diseases. There's money in treating symptoms. Yeah. And I'm 100% with it on that. And so therefore, you know, you've got so many symptoms and you've got 100 diseases diseases and you have to figure out what they all are and you have to cure them in two ways.

You have to cure them partly at the same time and partly. It's like you have to be aware of everything, focus on the one at a time. You have to be aware of everything because focus on the one at a time. But you have to be aware of everything, because they're all related. They're all happening in real time in the same system, your body. And again, not a sign system, not a doctor. Well, that's not exactly, pretty logical,

it's how the body works. You're making a hell of a lot of sense. It's, and where did I learn this from? Dude, myself, I've fucked up everything. Like, dude, I went to a hormone doctor after I got a, you know, years of surgeries. I was like, man, I just don't feel like myself. So what makes myself, what makes my mood?

Read some books. You're like hormones, I'm like, hmm, I don't get my hormones tested. I go in there with a doctor's guess. Because this was before it was more common with the doctors. Like, yeah, you, yeah, your hormones came out interesting. Yeah, you Yeah, your hormones came out interesting dude. I could you not my testosterone was like seven

Oh, man, dude, it was like almost nothing. Why well, dude, I was I went from freaking working out twice a day, you know to Doing nothing for you know three or four years, you know, couldn't work out. You know, all these different things, all these different reasons. Also, you know, the whole field of research, which I'm not well versed on, but I hear from many people, Marcus Cappone being one of them, you know, dude, blast wave effect on your, what is it? The hormone, the gland, thyroid and you know, all these different things, you know, about reducing the ability, you know, if your body produces certain hormones and all these things. All I know is I did the test and that's the number and he goes, yeah, we should definitely fix that. And then I start to balance my hormones.

Nine day different. Nine day different. And I was just like, dude, like, this should be, everyone should know this. Yeah. You know, it's like that with everything, you know? It's your brain chemistry, You know? Um, it's like that with everything, you know? Your brain chemistry, your, it's all related and to a degree.

You don't have to know it in depth, you don't need to be an expert on it. But it's like, you know, if your body's a car, you should fucking read the owner's manual. Yeah. You know, like, I'm not saying you need to be a mechanic and know how to replace your freaking, you know, your engine, but you should understand how a car works and you should know your car. Because it all works in use and you know it's it's just it's just a long

been a long process of and again like I said the more I dig the more I'll give another example I go to that the word fart and you know I'm listening to, you know, all these different classes and stuff. And, you know, I was like, one of them was without question. They started talking about codependency. And I was like, uh, shit. Shit. If you are a veteran, read what codependence he is because I think a lot of veterans are codependent. Grapen a codependent household. One or both parents being codependent and you become codependent and nothing is more. There's no more of a codependent system in the military.

Have you read anything on codependency? A little, I, that got brought up a lot in my therapy sessions. Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about. I, there's a book called codependent no more. It's like the Bible of Co-dependency. If I can blew my mind apart. It made me sad, quite honestly. Interesting. What's the name of that?

Co-dependent No More. All they need to get that. I mean, it's like the first text really written about it. And the woman, if you get a new copy, she kind of, like doesn't update of, you know, when she created it how because I think she made the term it's interesting but dude it's like just so much shit that I'm like dude how did I not know this until now I think the

biggest takeaways from talking to you are if you want to get fixed, you need to do the research and figure out how to fix yourself. Yeah. I think that is probably, oh, the biggest takeaway. Yes, and you're right. And I'm going to dovetail that onto something we talked about earlier, which I don't think we talked about on camera, which is a key piece of doing that is taking responsibility for your own mental and physical care,

and not being a victim. That was going to be my next thing, is turn inward, you know, do some self-reflection and figure out why these things keep happening, which, you know, goes right along with the do-yourself. You cannot, you know, the responsibility to fix you is not up to the VA. It really isn't.

I mean, they have mechanisms to assist, but you gotta lead the charge. And the other thing too is like, once you take that responsibility for your own your own mental health, like that in itself, just that piece is mentally empowering. Because you're in charge, you're in control. Yeah, you know. Yeah, I mean, again, now, not fixed, but I know I'm in charge. And I know that I'm gonna learn more things

that are problems, and I know that there's a process to research and then take action and it'll be okay. And don't forget to treat yourself. Treat yourself. Nobody says that. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody says that. Yeah. And I know it's true.

I started going to too and that's a big one. I've never heard anybody actually vocalize that. So thank you for doing that. Oh yeah, no, absolutely. It's, yeah, I think it's super critical. You know who definitely doesn't treat themselves or you, the military. Yeah.

So you deserve it. Treat yourself and, you know, don't justify bad behavior, you know, like, you know, whatever, but, but within reason, absolutely. And the better you treat yourself, the better, it's better you're gonna feel. Yeah, it's just the better you feel. And I mean, it makes perfect sense.

If you're not gonna treat yourself and you don't think you're worth it, to treat yourself, then you sure as fuck aren't gonna accept it from anybody else. People always say this, it's like, you know, you know, people don't get what they deserve or people get what they deserve or good people who get what they deserve. You know, all these different things, none of it's true.

There's a fact and, or my saying, which is a fact, and you'll see why it's kind of not available is, people will only ever get one thing ever and that's what they feel they deserve. You can never get more or less than that because it's not external like what you get is not you, it's always based on what you fill you deserve. That's what you'll get. Because if you don't fill you deserve something, it won't come. And that, by the way, is why bad people get good things, it's because they fill they deserve it. So they get it. Good things It's because they feel they deserve it. So they get it and then a good person's going Not realizing that the difference between them is that they don't feel they deserve damn

That's a good point Mobile brother I really appreciate you coming on. It's been awesome. It's been an honor. Yeah, same man, I think. I hope everyone got something out of it and I'll be back. If anyone who's been attention got something out of those things, no doubt.

A lot of people probably listen to podcast while they're, you know, like, you know, somebody's probably putting this on, like, oh, Tyler Greg, I talk to a lot, I'll put them on, you know, that's better than Haney's sleeping meds I have, so. Um, no, thanks for having me on and, uh, yeah, appreciate it man, it's been awesome. My pleasure. A lot of phone made it out. You get anything coming up? Um, Thanks for having me on and, yeah, appreciate it, man. It's been awesome. My pleasure. A lot of phone made it out.

You got anything coming up? Um, nothing, no, not written, pretty chill the rest of this year, which is, you know, I, well, I'll be the last thing I say to you, man, is I am guilty as fuck of overworking myself. No question. That's my, still my self-destructive behavior that I still justify. But I really need to take a real break

and so I'm not gonna do anything for the rest of the year. Again, I'm trying to get better, but... Good for you, man. It's just so easy to be like, no, I can't turn down. You know, it's like, you know, your week, if you like, because you've got to put yourself out there for stuff to happen. Doesn't happen in a room with your watching TV, you know. Yeah, but yeah, so I'm actively trying to take a break, so nothing for the rest of the year. Right, oh man. I'm happy to hear that. Yeah, yeah. Anybody that wants to find you all your links will be below will link that documentary as well and and yeah actually I Yeah, we have a link for it now. So yeah awesome and Hey also, I always say this. Well, actually, I don't think I would say it. But I'm a start saying it

You know if anyone's I Love when people hit me up on Instagram and, you know, if anyone's got like, you know, a real like, hey, I need advice on this dude hit me up and I will definitely not give back to you that day, but at some point, I'll, you know, hopefully see the message and I'll put my money where my mouth is. And I like trying to help people, it's trying anyway for me to help somebody circumvent and shorten the timing of how long it took me to figure out how to like, hey, like, it's the least I can do. Well thank you man.

Hey. There are a lot of jumps to pick up from this one and I'm seriously thank you. This is gonna help a lot of people. Awesome. So, alright man. Well thanks. The Bullwork Podcast focuses on political analysis and reporting without partisan loyalties. Real sense of déjà vu sprinkled on our PTSD. So things are going well, I guess. Every Monday through Friday, Charlie Sykes speaks with guests about the latest stories from Inside Washington and around the world.

You document in a very compelling way. All of the positive things have come out of this, but it also feels like we have this massive hangover. No shouting or grandstanding. Principles over partisanship. The Bullwalk Podcast. Wherever you listen. and standing. Principles over partisanship, the Bullwalk Podcast, wherever you listen.