Sherlock & Co. - 4 - The Illustrious Client - Part Three

Episode Date: October 24, 2023

JANET JACKSON AND THE MING DYNASTY - The Baron was within our grasp but he proved to be a much more violent and unhinged individual than we expected. My companion and I devised a plan with Kitty Winter to get into The Baron's residence, neutralise him and rescue our target. There's also a pub quiz. Cheers. Follow me @DocJWatsonMD or get in touch via email [e-mail] Listener discretion is advised. This podcast is property of Goalhanger Podcasts. Copyright 2023. ------- SHERLOCK AND CO. Based on the works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Paul Waggott as Dr. John Watson Harry Attwell as Sherlock Holmes Marta da Silva as Mariana Ametxazurra Naomi Miller as Kitty Winter Magnus Rook as Baron Gruner Written by Joel Emery Directed by Adam Jarrell Editing and Sound Design by Holy Smokes Audio Produced by Neil Fearn and Jon Gill Executive Producer Tony Pastor Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Previously on Sherlock & Co. What are you talking about? They wish to acquire our services. More accurately, they wish to acquire my services, but they're going through you because of your fragile financial position in the hope that you cave and accept the case on our behalf. Yeah, returning to the call now, thanks. Hi there, sorry, my colleague...

We request your services in that of Sherlock Holmes to neutralise the threat posed by Baron Adelbert Brunner. Your reward will be a payment of £125,000. Gruner is a high value target of- Why? Why is- concerned with Baron Gruner? Because Baron Gruner is in a relationship with their daughter. He's just posted here.

I have a hundred, six hundred and twenty- Three hundred and twenty-six. There's too many scars, aren't there? Did Baron Gruner do that to you? All his own work Well, him and a hot iron poker Is this all you have? Just that he's in London And the number 326

Hampstead! North London The deepest station on London's entire network 192 feet below ground level No escalator, just a lift Or, if you're feeling up to it, 326 steps. Hello, welcome to part three of The Illustrious Client. I'm not going to beat around the

bush, this episode has everything. You name it, it's got it. Swearing, violence, sexual references, the Holy Trinity. Well, the unholy Trinity. And now it's got that insensitive reference to Catholicism as well. So I'll redo this opening, I think. Oh, I've lost count. I've bloody lost count. Are you counting? Yes.

Okay, okay. Cool, cool, cool. How many left? 91. 91? Jesus! I said you could take the lift if you wanted to. Yeah, but you said it with a tone of voice that suggested I can't handle the stairs. Well, you can't.

Hey, I'm doing it, aren't I? Just. How many I? Just. How many left? 63. Great, great. What do you plan on doing once we actually get to Street Level? Investigations. Deductions.

Analysis. Right, cool, cool. Have they got any pubs in Hampstead? You wish to indulge in your favourite pastime? It's not my favourite pastime, Sherlock. I'm just... I'm unemployed. I thought you were a podcaster. Ah, yeah, working on it. Are you now?

Yeah, well, I thought you were a detective. Where's the bloody Baron? Working on it. How many more? Nineteen. Oh, thank God. How the other half live, eh? Sorry? It's an expression. Just... Yeah, it's posh around here, isn't it?

Hmm, yes. Ah, that's your cultural analysis, is it? The cobbled streets, the ornate townhouses and little French cafes, and all you've got to say is, hmm, yes. Is there something else that needs to be said? Well, I mean, you know, you're, you know, you're... On the posh scale, you're on the posh scale. You're on the Hampstead end of things, aren't you?

Am I? Yeah. Is that a problem? Being posh? Uh, no. No, I suppose not. Where did you go to school? Does it matter?

No, but sometimes, you know, people ask questions that don't matter. Why? It makes conversation. Yes, that's what I was worried about. What's wrong with conversation? I haven't graduated from an educational institution in my life, Watson. How does that fit your scale? Wow.

OK, see, that's conversation. Now I know more about you, the listeners know more as well. That is a relief. I went to... Local comp, St Bart's University of London, net leave for training as an assistant surgeon and referred by the British Army to Sandhurst. Watson, I really don't care for this conversation. Ah, this is what I'm looking for. What is it? A friend.

Any change, lads? Here, my friend. Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you so much. Have you been informed of our deal? Are you the detective? Yes. The Irregulars are assisting on this case. I'm looking for

Baron Adelbert Gruner. We believe he lives in Hampstead. Have you got a picture? Uh, hold on. I've got it on my phone here. There he is. Er, the flask. The flask? It's a pub.

That bloke won the pub quiz last week. When's the next one? Tonight. What on earth is a pub quiz? What is Wrigley Tin? The answer is corrugated iron. It's corrugated steel, you fool. You are incorrect, sir.

We've got someone complaining. Sherlock, sit down. It's corrugated steel, you fool. They're called corrugated iron, mate. I am not your bloody mate. And I don't give a shit what they're called. You are called a quiz master. See how that

name also lacks accuracy you are a charlatan sir steady on get a bit feisty in here sherlock unless you're planning on challenging him to a jewel can we please please try and keep our heads down easy for a man who's answered no questions to get their head down hey i said celsius for question three yes after i said it no we said it at the same time. Face it, Watson. My knowledge is unmatched. My mind is far superior to yours and every other in this room. Next round, music and film.

What? Oh, here we go. No, we must leave. Sherlock, just relax. We have proven ourselves worthy of this pathetic knowledge contest. Sit down. Try and enjoy yourself. What did you just call me? Will you sit down?

No, sorry. We're Sherlock and Co. Oh, of course you are. Of course you are. There you go. Sorry, lads. Smarty Pints, honestly. It's better than our bloody names. We're not arguing about the name again. Sherlock and Cone. I like it.

I know you do. I don't want to embarrass you all and go through the standings, but currently in the lead, as usual, the Baron. Look at him. Smug. Handsome, rich and intelligent. It would seem our Baron has it all, Watson. Look at him. Smug. Handsome, rich and intelligent. It would seem our Baron has it all, Watson.

Lacking a little in the morality department. So, what's the plan? We wait for his evening at this pub to come to an end and then we follow him back to his not-so-humble abode and identify means of entry, locate *** and either enlighten her as to the Baron's sinister activities or rescue her altogether i mean she's not a fair maiden locked in a tower she's you know she's a grown-up who's made a decision we can't kidnap her because of it he's looking at his phone again that's not allowed

we could do with getting a closer look at that. A lack of evidence cannot save this man again. Ah, well then, I have got an idea. Hey, hey, we've got a phone over there. Oh, hey. You know the rule. Give it to me. Give me the phone. Give it here, Baron.

You're lucky I don't deduct your points. You'll get it back at the end. Cheating bugger. Excellent, Lipson. Excellent. You haven't seen anything yet, mate. Right, here we go. Question one.

Who played Rambo in the Rambo movies? Who played who in the what? Yes. I'm going to come round if you want any questions again. Okay? Right, you lot. Of course you want bloody more questions. What do you want?

What's the problem? You're going to do it? Yes. Get him to come over. All right. Excuse me, mate. Oh, yeah. Here they are.

Yes, gentlemen. Question 14. What was that one again? Question 14. Let me see. That's the way love goes. Question 14. What was that one again? Question 14. Let me see. That's the way love goes. Together again. Stay there.

You're right. Excuse me. I didn't mean to bump into you, Mr. Quizmaster. I do apologise. Okay. A little too many guineas. No worries at all. That's the way love goes.

Together again. And all for you. All hit songs by which singer? Yeah, you got that? Great, thanks mate. Alright gents. Did you get what you wanted? Well, I already knew the answer, Janet Jackson.

How do you know all this nonsense? More importantly, did you get what you wanted? Yes. Watson, you must take this phone back to the flat. I will arrange for our illustrious client's operatives to pick it up and analyse it for all their needs. Wait, wait, what? Take the phone to the flat right now. Get it to the client right away.

The sooner the Baron doesn't receive his device back, the sooner he'll get it locked. What are you going to do? I will track the Baron back to his residence. Once I have the device, I will return to 221B. Then tomorrow, we shall pay him a visit. Okay, I'll shoot off then. Good work, Watson. You too.

Okay, let me give it a test. Yeah, no more dripping. He will be pleased. Great. Lovely. Thanks so much for sorting that, Mariana. Really appreciate it. Yeah, no problem. That's my job. Well, it was. I'm going to be moving on. So they will transfer a different property manager to you guys.

They'll let you know on email. So... Yeah. Oh. You're leaving? Yeah. Shame. Well, not a shame, but just... Yeah. Where are you going? Home. As in you going? Home. As in?

Spain. Ah, right. Hudson's won't sponsor my visa, so I can't stay here anymore. Oh, that's rubbish. Yeah. I've applied to a bunch of places that usually do, but it's... It's just nothing. Other estate agents, you mean?

Oh, no, no, no. I... I have an accounting degree, so it's more business and... Oh! Morning. My God. Jesus Christ, what happened to you? Ah, the tap has stopped dripping. You...

Excellent. You're covered in blood. Your thumb! Oh, my God, your thumb! Ah, yes. Looks like dislocation, doesn't it? Look at that. Yeah, that's disgusting. Watson, I met the Baron last night, and I feel he didn't take a liking to me poking around in his front garden. Just shush. Mariana, grab me the bag of ice in the freezer, please. Oh, and in the bin, there's a lolly stick.

In the bin? Yeah. Right. Okay. You sit down there. What are you doing? Making you a splint for that thumb. Your nose is broken, by the way. No, it isn't.

Yes, it is. No, it isn't. Let me feel. Certainly. Ah! That's broken. Uh, here. Thanks.

Ah, perfect. Don't tilt your head back. I'm reversing the flow of blood. You're sending the blood down your throat. Better than on the carpet. Isn't that right, Miss Hudson? It's Mariana, I just work at the... If you get enough blood down your throat, you'll vomit it straight back up onto the carpet. Sit straight, pinch your nose.

Ah, an ice lolly stick. Ingenious, Watson. And I thought your application of intelligence was for sports films and the songs of Judith Jackson. Janet Jackson. Whatever. Keep still. So... what happened? Was accosted in the front porch of a hamster townhouse by a murderous Austrian baron who has ensnared a woman of the British aristocracy

with his beguiling mix of good looks, charisma and flamboyant online persona or for want of a better word, bullshit. He plans to exploit her for everything she's worth, which is a lot. Once he's harvested her economic means and connections to his benefit, he will sell her very body, and as every woman knows, whenever this transaction is executed in such a cruel manner,

it is a two-for-one, not just her body, but her soul. If she is fortunate, unlike the late Katerina Graf Haussler, she will escape with only one thing, her life. Not that it will be worth living, once the Baron has plucked at the carcass of her vitality. Goodness me, Watson, I'm delirious. I think you might have a concussion. Look at me.

Yeah, and now up to the light. Is that uncomfortable? Do your eyes feel sensitive to the light at all? So what do you do now? Watson, does our client have the phone? Yeah, they got everything they need. Ah, yes. They have the evidence.

I have the address. The vice grip closes on the Baron. Well, the vice grip can't use his thumb for two weeks. Watson, the final stage of my plan must be undertaken this very evening. Plan? What bloody plan? Baron Gruner has my identity. He suspects something. But we must get into that house. When I was letting him beat me up, I noticed his Chinese tattoo and it was something... Sorry, when you were letting him beat you up?

Yes. Wait, why would you let him beat you up? In order to collect samples. Jesus Christ. Here, Watson, look. Hair, fingernail, shavings of skin. Very important. And look. Blood. That's your blood. No, this is his. I stuck my finger up his nose and drew it out

myself. We get this to the investigators in Austria and we have him on one count of murder. Couldn't you just beat him up and take those samples yourself? Yes, and yes. I'm certain I am the superior fighter. But after noticing the CCTV camera on the street above us, I thought it best we get him on another count. Here in the UK. ABH.

What is ABH? UK. ABH? What is ABH? It's, you know, like an assault charge under UK law. Actual bodily harm and grievous bodily harm can get you fines and prison sentences. Now for my plan, Watson. As he punched me in the nose for a second time, I got a good look at a tattoo on his wrist. Markings in Mandarin. Well, middle Mandarin to be exact. Certainly not based on a Nanjing dialect. Anyway, I digress. The marking, I had seen it before on a Yue Chun Ping. On a what now? A vase from the Ming Dynasty.

The markings denoted them to be of Hong Wu. Hong Wu, Watson. Oh, Hong Wu. Wow, great. The founding emperor of the Ming. And that is where I remember seeing the Baron once before. An auction house in 2019. I was in Vienna. He purchased the Hongwu Yuecheng Ping for a truly ghastly sum, Watson.

I was there for a separate client to track down an art thief. The Baron murdered his wife not long after that. Here, a tissue. Your nose is bleeding again. Thank you ever so much, Miss Hudson. Her name... I allowed the Baron to toss me further into his driveway, at which point I was able to peer through his window,

and that is when I saw what I saw, Watson. Did... did you see her? Is she safe? Is she tied up or something? No, Watson. I saw not his collection of women, but his other passion project. Ming pottery, Watson. Shelves and shelves of it,

each piece more exquisite than the last. Designs of phoenix, chrysanthemums, dragons, red lotus flowers, earthenware plates decorated with cobalt blue landscapes of mountains and trees, carved patterns of peonies, blue and white jars of every size and dynasty from Jianwen to Tianshun and Wanli, slender necks, flared bases, smooth finishes all adorned with meticulous patterns that glaze, sparkling under the soft ambient light of his collection room. So, what is the plan? Ah yes, the plan.

Watson, the Irregulars and I have planted a rumour within the Asian art collectors community in London that you have an exceptional piece and are discreetly seeking a buyer. I expect we will be contacted shortly. I expect for the price tag and piece I described that only the Baron will summon you. And then you shall enter his house and beguile him with falsehoods like he has done to so many of his victims.

Sorry, you want me to sell him a vase? You are Chun Ping. Fine, are you a Chun Ping? Yes, but you must be an expert. That is the only way you can hold him for long enough. Long enough for what? For me to enter and locate... Wait, what?

He has... We believe so. Oh my god. He doesn't have her. She's dating him. He's a murderer. And he will be brought to justice by myself and the doctor. Look, this is mental.

This is absolutely bloody mental. I've got to become a Ming pottery expert before dinner, go and put on an antiques roadshow for an Austrian serial killer, all the while the man with the dislocated thumb is going to kidnap who is in line to and is the daughter of and sister of i'm sorry but this whole thing is absolutely Come in.

Hi. Hi. Everything okay? Yeah, just doing my homework. Ah. Feeling confident? About as confident as Zhen Tong at the Zhuyong Pass in 1449. Is that confident? No.

Right. You have a visitor. I do? Cup of tea, Kitty? Thanks, though. Oh, God's sake! Everything all right? Apart from nearly spilling sulphuric acid on myself, I'm fine.

Yeah, fine. Could you just pass me that vial? This? Yeah, the thing that should actually be used to store acid. Not a Swindon town mug! Where is the detective? He's resting Oh, must be nice What happened?

Nothing Tell me, come on Um, he met the Baron On the Baron's property They had a bit of a scrap. Where does he live? Hampstead, somewhere. Where?

I don't know, but the detective does. I want in. What do you mean you want in? In! I want bloody in! Whatever it is you're doing, I want to be there. Oh, OK. Well, I'm memorising Chinese pottery from 1368 to 1644. Still want in. Miss Winter. You, go to your room.44. Still want in? Miss Winter. You, go to your room.

No. I won't tell you again. Right, when do we strike, Detective? When do we strike? We're not striking anybody. The doctor here is under the guise of Hill Barton KC, a solicitor from Leicester married with three young girls. Three girls, wow, that's a handful. In between the long hours at the Royal Courts of Justice

and the rambunctious home life, how does Mr Barton blow off a little steam? Well, with this. And it's ilk. Pottery. People blow off steam with pottery, do they? Ming pottery. The barrister, played so convincingly by the doctor, is the proud owner of this very item. A vase. It's tiny.

It's one lee. What's that, Watson? One lee dynasty. Very good, Watson. Our client was able to lease us this most precious of precious items, Wanli dynasty for Wanli himself. Look, Sherlock, I'm not really feeling that confident, mate, to be honest. I'll do it. Nobody is doing it. Watson, when I saw you reel off countless names, songs, film titles at that quiz. It was pathetic, yes, but also astounding. Really? All right, maybe three parts pathetic to one part astounding, but you have it within you. You're a doctor. Exactly. I'm not Hill Barton QC. Casey. Oh, whatever. Oh, you're a medical doctor. Yeah, I am. Yeah. Oh, can you tell me what this is? I don't want to call my GP. The receptionist scares me.

Are you serious? Yeah, look, look, look. Is it a stye? Is it sore? No, just very red and really near my eyeball. It's a calasian. It's a blocked gland very similar to a cyst. It will go in time, but if you want to speed it up, you can use a warm cloth four times a day. It should be gone in a week. Where did you learn that, Watson?

Don't start. You read it, and you stored it in your mind, applying it as and when necessary. Yeah, I read it and learned it, but not in an afternoon, Sherlock. You can do this. The stakes are... The stakes are what, Watson? Afghanistan? Ukraine? God.

Watson, if you do not go and sell this man, this Ming Vars, then I shall go. Well, that's a terrible idea. Even more terrible than the current one. Then take your pick, Doctor. I can go with you. I can help with the sale. As an assistant or something. He'll recognise you.

Oh, really? This? If I looked even a fraction how I used to, I wouldn't be here talking to you two about pottery. She's right. He'll recognise you. Oh, really? This? If I looked even a fraction how I used to, I wouldn't be here talking to you two about pottery. She's right. He won't. He was so pumped full of booze and drugs, he wouldn't remember a thing.

Now, you must ask to see his collection. In order to show it to you, he'll have to shut off his security system. Once it's off, I shall enter and locate and anything that may expose the Baron's network, all while you facilitate the purchase that doesn't sound like staying in bed and resting um sorry to interrupt i just went to leave but um there's 60 000 pounds outside your door i didn't mean to open it. I mean, I did, because I opened it,

but I thought it might be dangerous or something because of everything that was going on, so I wanted to make sure and... 62,500. That'll be our 50% upfront, Watson. Right, I'll go finish my homework. You okay there, Doctor? Yes, yeah, I've been through worse.

Then why so nervous? It's radiating off you. Now I'm getting twitchy. Studying and tests just gives me anxiety. Quite the test, this one. You can say that again. But, you know, I have learned all the hallmarks of the Hung Wu and the beauties of the Yang Lo, the writings of Tang Ying and the glories of the primitive period of the Song and the Yuan so I just need a bit of the old self-confidence.

Cool, yeah, great. What are you doing? I'm just checking the mic in my coat pocket. You brought your microphone with you? Are you insane? No, I'm broke. And this is great content. You know, mental stuff like this could land me a sponsor. All right?

Now, shush. Here we go. Hilburton Casey. Hilburton Casey. Hilburton Casey. Barton! Wait, what? Hilburton Casey.

Jesus. God, we're absolutely fucked. Peaky, peaky, Mr. Barton. Wait, what? Hill Barton, Casey. Jesus. God, we're absolutely... Peaky, peaky, Mr. Barton. Hello? Hi. Peek-a-boo, I see you. Yeah, hiya. Hi. Hello? Do you think he heard our...

Boo! Ah! Hello? Mr. Barton. Baron Gruner, such a pleasure. This is Vivienne Porter. Vivienne works for Keystone, who ensure the security of the Wanley. I like it.

Come in, ladies first. Thank you. Awfully kind. Kissy-kissies. Oh, OK. Double kiss. If it was up to me, it would be a hundred kisses. A thousand! That's, yeah, that's loads.

Quite a home you have here, Baron Gruner. Oh, it's OK. Can I get you anything? Cup of tea? Ooh, did John Wayne have an uncle? Yes, yes, Mr Barton. Very good. Very good. Miss Porter? I'm fine, thank you Mr Barton. Very good. Very good. Miss Porter? I'm fine, thank you. Have something.

No, honestly, it's fine. The word no is banned from this house. You will have tea. You are English, after all. Yes, I am English, I suppose. Yummy, yummy cup of tea. Did John Wen have an uncle? Ein Moment.

It's funny because Jianwen was overthrown by... You don't need to explain. Oh, do you know about Chinese history, do you? No, I just don't care about your stupid joke. To be honest, it's probably the most intelligent joke I've ever made. Check that microphone one more time and I'll kill you before he even gets a chance. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Okay, open the case, get the one, leave ours.

Whew, she is a beauty. I trust you prefer to drink tea the way it was intended, Mr Barton? Of course. This set was made in Jingde Shen. Chenghua period. Wrong. I, um, I, but the marking. These are Cheng Shen. You are right, the marking is that of Cheng Hua.

But these were made in the final moments of the Ming dynasty, the ruinous days of Chongshen. When a regime grows old and tired, Mr. Barton, it often clings to its past, not its hope of the future, hence the sign of their Chenghua forefathers. Cool, aren't they? Very cool.

Yes, the Chongshen Emperor. Funny, freaky guy. He sentenced his foes to Ling Chi, known as the Lingering Death. Slow slicing. Death by a thousand cuts. They would tie the prisoner to a wooden frame, take a knife and slice slowly on every part of the body.

If you were lucky, your family had bribed the executioner and he would cut across your heart. The Chongxian emperor did not allow his prisoners to be lucky. No, sir. Many screamed for hours. days, lynchee, torture, humiliation, and execution, all in one act. Bob is your uncle. Fanny is your granny. Wait, they're, um, Hatcher. Hatcher Cargo, right? Ah, Mr. Barton, superb. What is Hatcher Cargo?

Michael Hatcher was a sea captain in the 1980s. He found a shipwreck, the... The Geldermalsen. Yes, Geldermalsen, that's it. Sank in the South China Sea in 1752, 25,000 pieces on board. Wow. And when did the... What did you say your name was? Vivian. Vivian Porter.

I have worked with your company before, but Vivian doesn't ring any bells. Really? No bells at all? None. No bells. Ding dong. It's such a good body that you have, Miss Porter. Wasted in insurance. Such a shame. You agree, Mr. Barton. So, you got these from the wreckage?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Three love cups, each cup decorated with a couple entangled in sexual congress. A different position on each cup. This one is my favorite. I still cannot work out if she is in ecstasy or pain. I don't think I care. The tea tastes the same. Erotic

and beautiful. Wouldn't you agree, Miss Porter? Yes, they're very nice. Very small, though. Tea won't last long. Which position would you

like? Ladies first. This one. long which position would you like uh i'll have ladies first right yep this one you must believe she's an ecstasy interesting we will agree to disagree mr barton little mr barton what will you have i'll have the um i don't know what they call that position, what they're doing on that cup, but yeah, I'll have that one. This is the one Lee. Yeah, yep. Used by one Lee himself, my sources tell me. Pretty little thing. Delicate.

I must be careful. I have strong hands, you see. I don't know my own strength. I can bend and break beautiful things when I get too excited. Like the bull in the Chinese shop. Yeah, the bull in the Chinese shop. I know you have plenty of Wanli yourself, Baron Gruner. Yes, some here actually. Psst, don't tell anybody. Tee hee. Oh.

Wow. I'd love to see it. Yes, I bet you would. It will be humbling for you, Mr. Barton. Hey, let's piss off to the collection room then. Ha! Sure, yeah. This way, this way, this way.

Oh, Vivienne, we're heading in here. I have to protect the one Lee. You sure? Because... Sorry, Mr. Barton, company policy. Company policy, right, yeah, of course. It's a competition, Mr. Barton, you see. A competition I always win. The modern man might well be my easiest opponent yet.

They care more about their kids and their housework than their prizes. Mr. Barton, prepare to be jealous. Wow, that's... Yeah, that's... Great. Great collection. All Ming. I have some much earlier pieces over there, but I don't see them as valuable.

I don't seek age. I seek beauty. And for me, Ming has no comparison. Young and beautiful. Yeah, completely agree. Talk me round the room. Yes! Shit yes! Talk me round

the room. Show me. Show off to me, hmm? Yeah? I wouldn't want to embarrass myself. I am a collector. You are a collector. I wish to learn. Teach me, Mr. Barton. Teach me, Mr. Barton. Teach me, Mr. Barton. Please, pretty please, with the cherry on top.

Look, I mean, I know my Ming. I've heard of your expertise in the area. And yeah, I wouldn't want to, you know. Besides, these days, what with the kids and the job, I barely get to indulge in the old Ming much. Hence the sale. You know, then it's, yeah, yeah, back to the day job. There's a QC.

Casey. Casey, God, yeah. We're all doing that now, as you can imagine. Casey, yeah. Yeah, Casey. Casey and the Sunshine Band. Excuse me? Oh, they're just a joke.

They're an old disco group from the 70s. Is that Hong Ji? No. Jing Tai. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Mr. Barton, you fidget a lot. Did you know this? You squirm. You itch.

I... yeah. I guess maybe I do even your speech is the same um words are power mr. Barton you must use them with force and purpose again you squirm squirmy wormy a ha ha yes squirmy wormy, eh? Ah, yeah. Squirmy wormy. Who's my little squirmy wormy? I asked you a question. Am I intimidating you, Mr. Barton? Is your personal space feeling invaded? Perhaps you would like a safe space to...

What is this? That's... A microphone. I can explain. So? You can explain while I slice open your chest, Mr. Barton. Maybe I cut the little squirmy-wormy. You know, when you cut the worms, they multiply. Lots of little squirmy Mr. Barton

slithering in pain. And to the authorities listening, I say this. It's not that kind of microphone. What? I'm doing a podcast. Scheisse, is there anybody out there that doesn't have a podcast?

It's on Ming pottery. You know, you're a real star to the listeners, you see. And I just... I wanted to capture this moment. It would be a big episode, especially if I could get an interview. What is it called? What is...

The podcast. What is it called? It's... Where is Vivienne? Have you um, it's, um... Where is Vivienne? Have you seen her? Anyway, she must have gotten lost. The name of the podcast!

It's called... The podcast... The podcast is called... The Lord of the Mings. The Lord of the Mings. Yep. I will search it. Ah, Vivienne, are you okay? This might be the finest private collection I've ever seen. You'd be right. Your microphone. Turn it off. Now. Yep, yeah, yep, yep. Turning it off now. There. Done. What do you think? You think your company could protect these for me, Miss Porter?

Do you need it? Maybe. I never use protection normally. Seriously, that body. Come on. Maybe I get you fired and you come work for me. Maybe I smash the one, Leha. That would be funnies, wouldn't it? No? Fair enough.

All work, no play. How is the tea? Finished. Very quick. Hmm. What is it? I'm just reading my tea leaves. Yes, very good.

No, really. Oh, I have no doubt. I say my tea leaves. The only fate I can read here is yours, actually. That's weird, isn't it? Vivienne, what does it say? Have a look. Come.

If you look closely, just here, you will see... What is... Kitty! The name Kitty Winter, ringety bells, you disgusting prick! Jesus Christ! You barren bastard! You bastard! You bastard!

You bastard! Don't touch him, Watson! Sherlock, where's... Did you find her? She's upstairs. She needs your immediate attention. Okay, him, Watson! Sherlock, where's ***? Did you find her? She's upstairs. She needs your immediate attention. OK, OK, OK, OK, OK. The End that's for sure. Yes, I suppose it is nice, isn't it?

But for all the children screaming. Playing. The children are playing. I think the, um, I think the moral of the story is maybe we shouldn't leave sulfuric acid out in the kitchen when we have guests. Perhaps the moral of the story is maybe we shouldn't have guests.

Look, this is the moral of the story. If you had kept the sulfuric acid somewhere safe and out of reach, that Austrian bloke would still have a face. Is that the moral of the story, Watson? Yes, it's the moral of the story, Sherlock. Oh, hey, that's the phone. Where is it? Aha, here we go. She's home and safe that's the phone. Where is it? Ah, here we go.

She's home and safe. Keep the phone. Thank you. And that, Doctor, is case closed. Cheers. Cheers. Excellent work, Watson. You too.

A night's sleep would have been nice though Police questioning was a little too thorough Thoroughly stupid The illustrious client Hmm Not the sort to join us for a beer in the grass Yeah Not a bad title that, the illustrious client Not bad But a long way from any good.

You said it. Yes, but I didn't say it should be the name of the episode. Well, I like it. Fine. He's alive. Who? Baron Gruner. Oh, thank fuck for that.

Your friend Stamford and his team have the honours. Stammer? Really? Mm-hmm. Fourteen-hour operation, now in a coma. Probably for a couple of weeks. Good God, he must have swallowed it. Indeed. It was...

bad. It was really bad. I saw it eating into his cheeks, through his nose, his mouth, his eyes. The wages of sin, Doctor. The wages of sin. And there was sin enough, trust me. Yeah. Yeah, you're right. Five, six, seven, 8, 9, 10, 11 What are you doing?

Counting the steps Is that a challenging task? Counting to 11? Just so I know No Good Hi Welcome home

Oh, hi Everything alright, Miss Hudson? You locked me in Oh, shit, sorry You have no food here? Well, I did register a complaint about this Oh, hi. Everything all right, Miss Hudson? You locked me in. Oh, shit, sorry. You have no food here? Well, I did register a complaint about this. Mariana, I am so sorry.

Just, you know, with everything going on, I double-locked the thing, and God, I feel awful. No, it's okay, it's okay. Don't worry, it's fine. You are free to go. The second woman you've set free this week, Watson. Very impressive. Is she okay? She is. And Kitty?

She's very okay. The Baron, not so much. Right. Oh, somebody posted this through the door. What is it? Well, it feels like, oh, somebody posted this through the door. What is it? Well, it feels like, um, more money? Ah, great. Lovely. Okay. I... I will be... I'll be heading off then.

Yes, you will. Bye, Mariana. Sorry again for the... thanks for your help. It's okay. I mean, I did nothing. Correct. Do you... Do you do this sort of thing often? Not often enough, Miss Hudson. You should...

I mean, you should set up a company for this. Like, as a business. For the money and the future revenue revenue god you're right i'd be happy to help you set everything up you would absolutely i could i mean i could run it that yes this is brilliant let's right let's register it let. Okay, great. What do you want to call the company? Sherlock, what do you think? Call it whatever you wish, as long as my clients can reach me. Mrs. Hudson, if your responsibilities could extend to personal management of my diary and commitments,

that would be much appreciated. Your salary will reflect the increased scope of the role. Yes, absolutely. I live quite far. I'm in Tottenham. But if you just give me a call, I'm like 40 minutes away. Downstairs is available. We'll take care of the rent. Oh, wow.

Oh, my God. It will need to serve as an occasional office front for the business. No problem. Sherlock and Co. What about that? Sherlock and Co. Limited. Sure.

Whatever. It's nap time. Limited. Sure. Whatever. It's nap time. I like it. Great. This is exciting, isn't it? I know. We'll sort that visa sponsorship too. Oh, right. Of course. Thank you. No, no, no. Thank you. This is exactly what we need. This official concrete establishing of our services

and having somebody like yourself running the business side of it. It really... this feels good. You know, this really feels good. Yeah, it does. It does feel good. Christ. A few weeks ago, I was at a complete loss,

and now this is it. You know, this is... That light is flashing. Light? Oh, on the microphone. It's, um, it... Oh, boll... Hi there, folks. I really hope you enjoyed that adventure.

It was... God, it was something. Yeah. Listen, just a reminder to follow me on x x being twitter the artist formerly known as twitter uh call it whatever you want just just follow me at doc j watson mb any info about the show will be there and uh also get in touch please we'd love to hear from you yeah okay. OK, I will. Where is it?

Where's what? My sock. What have you done with it? Nothing. Lies. Why would I take your sock? I have my own socks. Your socks are pathetic.

Look at them. Right. OK, sorry. Let me just. We'll see you next week with the next adventure. Yes, the adventure of the sock thief. Will you shut up?