Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 127. Not a holiday
Episode Date: July 30, 2021The Ramsey's have been on holiday and Chris and Rosie are even more exhausted now. There's sunstroke beef and Chris wants a swimwear poll. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. ...https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.
Witness the birth of evil.
It's all for you, no don't.
The First Omen.
I believe the girl is to be the mother.
Mother of what?
Is the most terrifying.
Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.
Movie of the year.
It's not real. It's not real. It's not real.
Who said that?
The First Omen.
In theaters Friday. Get tickets now.
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Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for
CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental
Health to support life-saving progress
in mental health care. From May 27th
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So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca.
Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Denied with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my beautiful assistant,
hello you're listening to shag my annoyed with me rosie ramsey and my beautiful assistant christopher ramsey beautiful assistant i've been downgraded i've been getting that box
i'm going to get me so i'm sorry in half oh like you're a magician like like i am the magician so
not i'm not an assistant like sort of you know go and get your stuff and take stuff to the post
office and stuff for you like like an assistant like in a like like at least i've got at least
i'm at p at least i'm glamorous in this scenario i didn't say glamorous i said beautiful
can i change it to glamorous possibly if you don't want yeah yeah i feel like beautiful is a bit
subjective like beauty you know it depends what you're into but i feel like glamorous you can't
really argue with glamorous it's like you're either glamorous or you're not that is true
actually i mean beauty's more you know skin deep etc to the eye of the beholder
yeah is he beautiful
on the inside
is he glamorous
he's fucking glamorous
I tell you what
am I glamorous
eh
am I glamorous
sorry these headphones
aren't working
do you think I'm glamorous
you are possibly
and I mean this
I mean this one
brought me home
yeah
the least glamorous
person I've met in my life
you are about as glamorous
as a wheelie bin
on a hot day
but that's your charm that's your charm thank you you can't actually be glamorous you are about as glamorous as a wheelie bin on a hot day.
But that's your charm.
That's your charm.
Thank you.
You can't actually be glamorous.
Weird.
No, you're right.
You can either be glamorous or not.
There's no halfway in between. I don't think I'd be.
I mean, when I did Little Mix the Search and stuff,
I got glammed up a bit.
But I wasn't like, you know,
I wasn't Joel Dommett
in them suits on the masked singer level.
And I never expected to be.
It's something you have all the time. You expected to be it's something you have all the
you're right
it's something you have all the time
if you're glamorous
you go to the supermarket
dressed up
you're fucking glamorous aren't you
that's glamorous
you're totally right
you get papped in your PJs
and you still look amazing
yeah exactly
G L M M M
whereas you would get papped
in your PJs
and they would look at the photo
and they'd go
I don't think it's her
and they would delete the photo
yeah they would
they'd be like
who the fuck is this
if they'd looked at the photo of you with your makeup on but if they'd looked at any of your Instagram they'd't think it's her and they would delete the photo. Yeah, they would. They'd be like, who the fuck is this? If they'd looked at the photo
of you with your makeup on.
But if they'd looked
at any of your Instagram,
they're going to ask definitely.
In fact,
another would definitely know it's you
because you look like shit all the time.
Great.
Well, hey, listen,
welcome back.
It's good to be back.
It is good to be back.
Good to be back.
Hi, everyone.
We hope you're all right out there.
It is episode 127.
I knew it was that.
I'm going to have to check.
It is.
I had to swipe to the side and check my other screen
on my laptop. It's episode 127.
We hope you're all alright out there. This week's
lucrative, lucrative sponsor. I know Rosie
Absolutely no money. Rosie, we've been on holiday.
We've been on holiday. We have. Went on holiday last week so I brought it over
with me. This week's sponsor is
Sunstroke. Oh, hey, well.
Hey, Sunstroke.
Hey, you having a nice holiday?
Sunstroke. Hey, kept your a nice holiday? Sunstroke.
Hey, kept your feet hanging out of the little parasol, did you?
Got in the sun, did you?
Got a rash on them now and you feel like shit.
Sunstroke.
Hey, up all night throwing up?
Sunstroke.
Hey, didn't listen to your wife when she said,
stop drinking lager at 11 o'clock in the morning.
Sunstroke.
Victim blaming.
Hey.
Dig it.
Hey, sunstroke. Victim blaming. Hey. Dig it. Hey, sunstroke.
Feel like shit?
Hey, get it at the end of your holiday and travel home with it.
Sunstroke.
You think it's bad being in an airport normally with kids?
Sunstroke.
Fucking worst thing.
That was the longest day of my life.
Yeah, it's not good.
All I did was, all I did on the last day of holiday,
I got out of the bed ill after being sick all night.
I got out of one bed and I made the longest most laborious worst journey day of my life all the
way to our bed at home i just swapped beds via uh two taxis and a plane and some little buses to get
onto the thing yeah absolutely horrific but hey little tip for you sunstroke hey gained a few
pounds on holiday not been exercising been eating what you want and drinking a lot get yourself sunstroke at the end of the holiday be sick for 12 hours non-stop all the way it's gone
hashtag wouldn't recommend definitely wouldn't recommend it was the worst but sunstroke
careful out there guys stay hydrated it's the fucking worst you absolute tosser i still feel
like shit well i'm still very annoyed at you so let's just wait till the beef section oh great
i might have to bring this up again. Oh, great, great.
I mean, actually, my throat's actually hurting off being sick as well.
It's all like rolling inside.
Of course, you were sick about four times.
I was sick more than that.
No, you weren't.
Play this jingle then.
Let's dance.
Let's dance.
Here's a jingle.
We had a fight about the jingle.
Jingle.
We couldn't settle on a jingle.
Jingle.
So this is the jingle, jingle
We hope you like the jingle, jingle
Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah!
Jingle!
Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Marodenoid.
It's good to be back!
It is, it is.
Good to be back in your little old ears.
Yeah.
Little slags.
Well, they don't know we've had a week off
because well
if you don't know
we recorded
extra episodes
the other week
while the tree guy
was cutting outside
that was actually
two weeks of episodes
which I actually lost
and then I had to
record them again
yeah let's do it again
that was fun
we did four
four in one day
that was excellent
burning through them
questions from you
keep sending them in
so yeah
so we just
we put that out there.
Seamless.
You didn't even know we were gone.
Apart from the people on Instagram freaking out that Rosie wasn't posting.
Bless yous.
Well, I know.
I know.
But, you know, guys, not being funny, robbers.
Robbers.
Robbers.
Burglars.
Burglars.
So, there you go.
You know, there's a whole world, social media out there.
If you tell people you're on holiday you'll probably get robbed
so that's why
we didn't tell anyone
and we didn't
luckily
we've also got
that three headed
Rottweiler from
Harry Potter
that the Lent were
as well
that sits at the front door
all the time
so he's fine
really old now
like
it's dead
stupid
no I mean
yes thank you so much
for worrying about us
but also a little bit strange
but we just had a week off the social media didn't we we did it was so nice it was well i haven't had
a week off social media this is a little bit grim but i haven't had a week off since we had
uh the miscarriage like three years ago right okay uh even when rafe was born, I was still posting just because, well, fuck all else to do in the hospital.
So it was overdue and I really enjoyed it,
but I was worried that I was like
not going to pick my phone up again.
Yeah.
But I'm back on it now.
Oh, you're straight back on it.
I've really missed it actually.
Yeah, you're straight back on it.
I mean, I was halfway through a sentence to you this morning
and you just picked your phone up
and started looking at Instagram.
So that was nice.
Nice to be back to normal nice nice to be back to normal
nice to be back to normal
why change a habit
of a lifetime
you know what I mean Chris
I am more tired
from the holiday
than I was before I left
if I'm honest with you
oh yeah
it was exhausting
it's not holiday with kids
it's like being a waiter
it's like being a waiter
you can't sit down
you can't stop
no
you can't
daddy do this
can I get this
can I have this
it's just non-stop
horrible
it's awful you sit in the shade most of the time wish I had this can I have this it's just non-stop horrible it's awful
you sit in the shade
most of the time
wish I had
I wouldn't have
got fucking sunstroke
well exactly
you made the mistake
you should have
had Rafe more
I know
we kind of
tag teamed a bit
and my mum came
which was lovely
and she was a great help
but you know
also a lot of people
think my mum
just looks after the kids
we actually enjoy
our company as well
which I mean
believe it or not
she's actually quite a nice person to be around thank you you love her just looks after the kids. We actually enjoy our company as well. I mean, believe it or not,
she's actually quite a nice person to be around.
I'm a dick reliever.
You love her, don't you, Dee?
But yeah, it's just exhausting with kids, man.
So exhausting.
Like, I love them... Sorry.
Get me goggles.
Get me snorkel.
Get me bouncy ball.
Can you get the...
I don't want my sun hat on.
And you've got to get cream for them.
You've just got to watch them 24-7 as well. I don't want my sun hat on and you've gone and got cream for them you've just got to watch them 24 7 as well
I don't want to
wish their life away
genuinely because
I think they're just
gorgeous and I love
them so much
but at the same time
fuck me
I can't wait till
they're like 14
and you just
read a book
like I took a book
I took two books
what a moron
two books I took
on holiday
I didn't read one word out of my book i read
three pages i brought it down the pool one day like a sucker didn't read one word and but before
you email in we're very aware that complain and that what holiday wasn't as fun as it should be
without kids there's massive first world problems but you know it is and we know that but um one
moment on the holiday i realized uh robin might not be the child genius we think he is what do
you mean who said he was a child genius well you know we think you know he's good at spelling and he's good at spelling
and um he got a snorkel and he got his snorkel in the water and he filled it up with water and he
started realizing so i said look when you go under water with a snorkel right when you go right under
and it's in your mouth if it fills with water just go and just like blow really hard and water will
come out and he went all right he realised and he started doing it.
Then he took the snorkel off and he put it under the water,
right?
And you know the curves at the end?
Yeah.
Not the curved end,
he held the other end
and he held it up
full of water
and he pointed it at me,
right?
Right.
But he had the curved end
at the other end
so he had his mouth
on the straight end
and he went,
daddy,
and he pointed it
as like a pea shooter
but it curves at the end
and he blew to hit the water out of it
and it just smashed him
in his own face.
I've never seen a kid
do a stupider thing.
Oh bless his heart man.
It just went daddy
and it just went
and he was like
it curves back round you fool
that wasn't going to hit me.
I taught him to spit
in the goggles
which was a big mistake.
Ah so that's where
that came from isn't it?
That's what yeah.
Yeah.
By the end he was just
doing it on the floor.
I know he was
and I just thought
why have I taught him that
great work
but it helps him
stop some
steaming up
I don't believe that
I think it's a myth
no it's true
Chris I used to swim
when I was younger
I've swam loads
I don't believe it
it is true
urban legend
it's not an urban legend
urban myth
shut up
no we did have a lovely time
it was so nice to get away
it was so nice to feel the heat
I mean a fucking absolute ball ache
filling out all the shite
that you've got to do
oh my god
what
all of that stuff yeah
and I didn't even do it
I mean you
oh hey I tell you what
hey
honestly
you and Sandra
did you have a lovely little
relaxing time
while I was filling out
all the bump
to get with it
got sunstroke mate
just told you
yeah
could have died
but it was worth it. And if you are
thinking about going abroad, because do you know what?
We were double jabbed as well. We are double jabbed.
You are allowed to go. I mean,
I know it's probably frowned upon at the
moment, but hey, what isn't?
What isn't frowned upon?
It is a bit of a ball ache,
but it was really enjoyable and
we felt really safe over there
because they've got all the COVID restrictions
that you have in the UK.
And just to let you know,
in South Tyneside,
where we used to live at the minute,
is one of the highest case ratings in the UK.
So it was actually less infectious where we went.
So hey,
makes sense.
No, we had a lovely time.
So there you go.
One thing we discussed
on holiday
when we were talking
about pools and stuff
and pool etiquette
now this
we've got very different
opinions on this
right
and this wound me up
because I feel like
I'm right here
okay
you
I said that
if I didn't have
swimming shorts
I think it was
I said if my swimming shorts
got lost
I said if my swimming shorts
let us finish me
this is gonna
no this is gonna be
really interesting
because this is gonna
right
I don't even think this is gonna divide people the guys who do the smart polls on twitter get ready for this one
right because i i really want everyone's opinion on this okay i said when we're packing my cases
rosie said she's got this thing she thinks every suitcase is gonna go missing it's fucking infuriating
you don't to be fair like it's just like put these things in your hand luggage in case the case goes
missing like oh god no just I basically pack an extra outfit
in each other's suitcases.
So Robin's got an outfit
of him,
like obviously all of his stuff,
an outfit for Rave,
an outfit for me.
I didn't bother with you
because you hate it.
So I was like,
well, so do you.
If your case goes missing,
you're fucked.
Couldn't give a shit.
But I do it with me and the kids.
I've done it all the time
and just because,
touch wood,
if they ever go missing.
The last case I ever heard go missing
was Ed Sheeran's guitar went missing once
and it was on social media.
That was the last time.
That was years ago.
No, it happens a lot.
It does.
Don't believe it?
Urban myth?
Right, okay.
I'm joking.
Stop with the urban myth.
I don't want to be on holiday
in the same manky grotty clothes
that I travelled in.
Nice.
Rafe vomited on me.
He vomited on me in the airport
i fucking stunk and i that would be my worst nightmare oh mrs ramsey your case isn't here
so i've just got to wear this for the rest of the holiday to be fair to be fair one of my mates when
went on holiday to magaluf back in the day when he was 16 and one of the lads lost the case he did
the full holiday in the same t-shirt and shorts he was absolutely lifting i didn't wash them they
never got his case back and i think he washed them and he just like jumped in the same t-shirt and shorts. See, there you go. Apparently he was absolutely lifting. He didn't wash them? They never got his case back.
And I think he washed them
and he just like jumped in the pool
with them on and thought,
they're clean now
and then put them back on
and was out one night
just stinking, yeah.
Did he buy any more clothes?
Don't think so.
Oh, see?
If only he'd have put
a little pair of trunks
or a t-shirt.
He had two stinking things.
Yeah, exactly.
Well, it's better than one, isn't it?
I suppose.
Anyway, right,
this is my thing.
I think there's totally I said, if the case goes missing and I don't have any swimming shorts,
I could just go in the pool in my boxers and I don't think anyone would mind.
And you couldn't get your head around it, right?
Horrible.
And then we got to the point of, okay, if they're the boxers I've travelled in
and it's just about, okay, fair enough, that's dirty.
Then I said, right, what is the difference in me getting a nice pair of boxers,
you know, a nice pair of boxer briefs know a nice pair of boxer briefs lovely little fashionable little boxer briefs right what's the difference
in me wearing a clean pair of them in the swimming pool than wearing a pair of speedos or a pair of
swimming shorts what's the difference the material is different right what's that got to do with
anything okay well mentally it's just weird if if a bloke came in in his kegs to the pool i'd think oh who let that strange man in and why is he
just wearing his boxer shorts so why no it's not it's weird okay okay okay okay okay here we go
here we go okay scenario for you right right there's there's two versions of me standing on
the side of the pool right okay one of me has a brand new pair of let's let's go let's
go up market here let's say calvin kind calvin klein boxer briefs not calvin clunes calvin clunes
from the just from the shop on the corner the spanish shop on the on the casa del sol
calvin klein boxer briefs brand new bump sparkling gorgeous black right right nice yeah yeah yeah
the other version of me has a pair of speedos that are worn out, bobbled, dirty.
One of the strings hanging the little thing in the other one.
There's a little hole on the arse tube.
Nice.
There's a visible skid mark in the middle.
Which one do you want to jump in the pool?
The Speedos.
Well, unbelievable.
Honestly.
Bullshit.
Yes, I do.
Bullshit.
Nah, why you got your boxers on?
Because my Speedos are not shite on them. Honestly, no. Nah, I can't get my head around it. Nah, I do. Bullshit. Why have you got your boxers on? Because my speedos are not shite on them.
Honestly, no.
Nah, I can't get my head around it.
I have been somewhere before.
I'm sure it was Wet n' Wild or something
where someone's had boxer shorts on.
And you know what they do?
They cling to the bits.
And this lad had boxer shorts on
and I thought, that's mental.
What's he doing that?
And they stuck to all of his willy and everything.
And I could see the outline and he kept having to like
fidget
it's a horrible memory
it's a really horrible memory
that I've got ingrained
in my brain
and I just think
why are you putting people
through that
put some normal
swimming trunks on
right
in hotels
in spa hotels in the past
if I've been on two
and I've forgot
my swimming shorts
I'm going to tell you
it's alright now
if I've forgotten
my swimming shorts
I've gone in the sauna or the steam room with a clean pair of underpants oh no right i'm not
i'm sorry it doesn't belong to me i'm not frightened belong how sexist um i uh i get
the polls out is it okay do you believe now is it okay to wear clean boxer shorts in the sauna
or the steam room or the swim pool rather than it's speedos i i think
it's all right it's not okay right it's not okay it's not time will tell sorry time will tell
so i went uh for a wander around ikea the other day yeah and uh standing looking at the light
fittings and uh literally a guy to the right of us just went bike guy nice and i started laughing
because it's really weird
that someone would now
say bike guy
but it's actually quite nice
because I then know
exactly where he knows
us from
he's not like
have I seen you
posting something on TV
or on Strictly
or seen you stand up
or seen you on a panel show
he's a podcast guy
no he's a podcast guy
straight away
yeah he's smart
straight away
so big shout out
I normally don't do this
but big shout out
to Connor
you opening a tin of worms here?
No, no, just because he said
that he works at Newcastle RVI A&E
and that apparently all the staff listen.
Oh.
And they all talk about it on shifts and stuff.
Oh, that's cool.
So they're all smarts at the Newcastle A&E RVI.
So big shout to all you guys.
That's where Rafe was born.
That is, not the A&E,
but yeah, in that same hospital.
I felt like it.
But yeah, there we go.
Accident and emergency
that's about right get it out of us it's crawled in um so yeah so that was just nice to know that
like you know people i don't know why i always because that's an important really important job
like a and e staffing an a and e do you know what i mean that's like high stress really and they're
all just you know listening to a little bit of Rosie's Mysteries and a little bit of Q's from the Poos.
Do you sometimes feel like nobody listens?
Always.
Yeah, I do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why is that?
Because I am basically conditioned to perform in front of crowds,
which I've done for over 10 years now,
nearly non-stop until last year,
chat all over it.
Yeah.
And the fact that no one apart from you laughs at this.
I've seen hardly any, I've not from you laughs at this i've seen i've
seen hardly any i've not seen anyone laugh like that oh my i've not seen anyone laugh apart from
when we did them tv pilots the other week i've not seen anyone laugh at something me and you
have done apart from me are you not not me neither i was in a car once with a guy who drives as he
was driving us to london when the trains were off and uh i had to listen to the podcast okay and i put it on three speakers and he giggled a couple of times did he it's just
really awkward oh that's horrible because i had to like sit there and i was like don't feel like
you have to laugh by the way and now and then he laughed and i was like so the rest of fucking
shit then but i just assumed he wasn't listening i did not know you'd done that that's so horrible
yeah well why did you do that do you have not have your headphones? I didn't have my headphones.
Oh, Chris.
Poor bugger.
Oh, hello.
Hello, Mr. Taxi Driver.
Do you mind if I just listen to myself talk?
Oh, God, Jesus.
He will be slagging you off so much.
I got in a taxi once.
I got in a car once in London.
Is that why you're not happy with that?
I didn't know that that is
that's horrible Chris
he's the only person
I've seen laugh at anything
we've done
I mean it would have been
a complete pity laugh
he's probably gone out
and gone
oh that is vile
vile man
and his vile wife
it's when he didn't
leave us at the services
I got in his car once
in London
and he said that
not naming
well I didn't even know
who it was
I was going to say
not naming any names
but I don't know what YouTuber it was but they said that there was
a youtuber in the back of their car and uh they had they took them miles somewhere i don't know
where it was but they were editing a youtube video of themselves on the laptop with no headphones and
the guy said he was demented oh so you know when i sit next to you and you're editing your instagram
stuff and he's like hi guys hi guys i've just got to listen to these bits over and over again the
driver said he was just driving
and it was just
belting out of the
fucking laptop
like a 40 minute
YouTube video
getting edited
oh my god
imagine that
I don't think
I haven't got the stamina
for that
I edit videos
for Instagram
but they're never like
longer than two minutes
Jesus
back in the day
right when I first
started stand up
when I was schlepping
up and down the country
for like 20 quid
and that
and petrol was 40 quid so I was like 20 quid down thinking i was a rock star
yeah i got really jealous of youtubers back in the day because youtube has emerged just as i'd
started doing stand-up youtube became this huge thing and these kids were making like millions
of vlogging in that yeah they were making like millions in their bedrooms and the ones that
started off were all quite sort of posh and well to do and i remember having like a working class
chip michelle and being really fucking jealous and when you look at how difficult it is to edit a video and some of them are knocking
up three videos a day you go out now what you you fucking deserve it all yeah good luck to you i'm
just i was just jealous because i you didn't have to you know live at weatherby services most of
your life it's like it's a thing now you know it's like a career path youtubing and vlogging
yeah it's mad isn't it crazy we should we should do a podcast school definitely not it
will last about 10 minutes i couldn't teach anyone to do anything people have said to me you got any
you got any tips for comedy nah not a clue no not a clue oh god i just can't wait to get back on
stage i'm so excited i could cry i know i'm so excited i'm seeing the photos of full venues now
when people doing gigs and i literally i opened a photo carl hutchinson sent us a photo the other
day oh congrats carl he's driving now by by the way. Yeah, well done, Carl.
It's only took him fucking 20 years.
Idiot.
Turned up at our house today, buzzing, didn't he?
He did.
Brought us a McDonald's breakfast.
That was nice.
He sent us a photo of the Comedy Store in London
following I burst into tears when I saw it.
Well, it's happening.
Our tour's happening.
Still tickets available for December.
If you would like to come,
chagmaranoi.com, the tickets are on there.
Can't wait to see you all.
Definitely.
Buzzing. It's going to be amazing. We did our TV pilot. We did our TV pilot. Can we talk about that dead quickly? if you would like to come chagmarinoid.com the tickets are on there can't wait to see you all definitely buzzing
gonna be amazing
we did our TV pilot
we did our TV pilot
did we talk about that dead quickly
yeah it was really good
it was lovely wasn't it
really good laugh
I was on antibiotics
so I couldn't have a drink
which put a bit of a dampener
on the time
I was a little bit off my tits
you know
really
honestly
what if when we come to do
a series
if we get a series
what if when we come to do that
you can't perform unless you're on antibiotics what if it was your like yeah what if it was your thing do a series if we get a series what if when we come to do that you can't perform
unless you're on antibiotics what if it was you're like yeah what if it was your thing yeah yeah what
if you go this is not working you have to go back on antibiotics for your dead tooth right well i'll
just have to do it so i mean no they were horrible the only good thing about them is that they
suppressed my appetite a little bit right i didn't lose any weight but i just didn't eat as much
well that's just what the only good thing is they made you slightly miserable a bit more for another I didn't lose any weight, but I just didn't eat as much.
Well, that's just why.
Well, the only good thing is they made you slightly miserable a bit more for another reason.
No, I just wasn't as hungry, so I didn't eat as much.
Oh, okay.
I can't.
I'm just not losing any weight at the minute, Chris.
I'm just like, the scales don't change.
Like, honestly, they don't move.
Right.
They don't go up, which is probably good, but they're not going down. Don't forget, you had everyone out there, all the ladies out there who beat too hard on themselves don't forget you had a you had a baby six months
ago oh nah right and it was a c-section and it was a lot of you know it was a lot of surgery and
stuff and everyone out there if this helps anyone then you know it was a lot of surgery there's a
lot going on inside there and you've been on holiday as well oh you're so canny you lazy cow
you shouldn't have went on holiday is what i'm saying sorry did that sound like it was gonna be
positive it wasn't it was a lazy lazy bitch shouldn't have went on holiday Is what I'm saying Sorry, did that sound like it was going to be positive? It wasn't, you lazy bitch
Shouldn't have went on holiday
It was just so nice when I was on holiday
And I was putting the chips in my mouth
And Chris just battered my hand away
I would never do that
I'm not that brave
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So, live comedy is back.
Gigs are back.
I'm seeing photos of full venues.
I'm seeing acts talking about their tours.
Very, very excited to get on my own tour.
On to Rosie. That's right,ie's not here for this bit this bit that you're hearing is actually recorded
after the main bit of the podcast you're hearing and i'm just slotting the sink so i was waiting
for some dates to be confirmed basically live comedy's back i am doing some warm-ups for me
2020 tour shouldn't call it 2020 what an arsehole um genuinely can't rename it now because the
tickets have been printed and you've all fucking got them, but I'm doing
warm ups to try and basically remember the show
and flesh it out and do a few more things at the Hexham
Queens Hall on the week
of the 23rd of August
doing a couple of nights there, a few
more might get announced, basically get
on there, Hexham Queens Hall, have a little look
it'll be me and either one or two support
acts, I haven't made my mind up yet, but it's going to be a
heck of a night.
Because live comedy is back, bitches.
So get on that.
Tickets are going to be cheap.
Because I probably will be reading off a bit of paper.
Because I forgot it all.
Because it's been 18 months since I've done stand-up in front of a crowd.
I might cry.
I'll definitely cry.
Come and watch us.
Also, Carl Hutchinson, the man who was constantly on tour.
Will definitely have dates in and around or near you coming up. So please check out those as well.
And he's got a little car now, hasn't he?
So he's going to be driving to his own little gigs in his own little car.
See how tiring it is, Carl, driving there and back.
I might come with you and piss you off the whole way like you did for me for 10 fucking years.
Anyway, Carl's on tour as well.
Now, I got a text off my mate, Phil Ellis.
Now, Phil's asked, he's been asked a celebrity question on the podcast before now phil is at the soho theater in london on monday the 9th and tuesday the 10th of august
i'm looking at his poster now his poster is him in a pair of clown pants with his ass hanging out
of a gas oven make of that what you will phil ellis the man's a genius me and rosie love him
he's one of the funniest comics out there don't go expecting straight stand-up right i've just
explained his poster do not go expecting straight stand-up the
best way i can describe phil it's like a man having a hilarious breakdown for your comedy amusement
he's incredible please go and see him phil ellis soho theater monday the 9th and tuesday the 10th
of august i'm basically just going to try from now on as live comedy's back and theater's back
baby just going to try and give people little shout outs to try and help people's boost ticket sales and you know remind everyone that we're back bitches comedy and theatre
and live music were the first things to close down and they have been the last things to open
back up but bitches we are back and we will see you soon it's time for what's your beef oh chris
oh my goodness me i didn't expect this all All right, Chris. Hello. Hello, it's Belinda.
Yeah, Petal.
Yes, hello.
Just giving you a quick little ring.
I haven't spoken to you for ages, Pet.
Hello.
I've missed you.
How have you been?
I'm all right.
I'm just ringing dead quick
because I heard that you got sunstroke on holiday,
you selfish little prick.
Right.
Didn't think about your ma, your ma, your wife, I mean,
your wife and the kids.
Got pissed every day, got sunstroke and vomited on the last night.
Very selfish.
Listen.
Was yet to carry her own bags in the airport, eh?
That's what I heard.
She never lets me carry her bags anyway.
Well, just independent woman, ain't you?
Well, I hope you slag us off for it and then say independent after that.
Listen, Andy, whatever the fuck I want.
Who the fuck are want who the fuck
you talking about
chugging up
little dick
eh
eh
come on
away
away then
eh
alright man
calm down
yeah man
yeah man
stop it
get to my door
stop it
stop it
behave
listen
what do you want
what do you want
I would just love
honestly
I just love a day
of you and me.
This is horrible.
This is horrendous.
A little spa day, right? You and me.
Right? Right. Naked saunas.
Nah, I'll wear me boxer shorts. Fingering in the
jacuzzi. I'll wear me boxer shorts in the sauna. Is that alright
with you? No. What? You what?
Eh?
Boxer shorts in the sauna? What's the with you? No. What? Yeah, what? Eh? Boxer shorts in the sauna?
What's the matter with you?
Well, so naked's better than boxer shorts, is it?
Always.
Pillock.
Anyway, I'm going to go.
Alright, bye.
Because I didn't plan anything to say.
Bye.
Fuck's sake, man.
Oh, yeah.
She hasn't been around for a while, but...
At least you tried, eh?
I know, I know, I know, I know.
Honestly.
If anyone's wondering what the weird breathing is
while she's doing Belinda, by the way,
she's smoking an imaginary cigarette the whole time.
It's method, man.
Yeah.
Method acting.
She's having a tab.
Absolutely great.
Leave her alone.
Let that be.
Listen.
What?
What's your beef?
Or do you want me to go first?
Because I've got...
Honestly, I've got beef falling off of you.
My only beef with you, just because of last week.
I know I'm joking about it there with Belinda and that,
but honestly, selfish, Chris. Right. Sunstroke on holiday when you've got two kids right absolutely ridiculous
you should have drank less alcohol and you should have drank more water i didn't plan to get
sunstroke i felt absolutely fine until the moment in the room where i blacked out momentarily then
thought nothing of it and kept drinking then i wasn't drunk i wasn't drunk when i blacked out i hadn't had anything to drink but i then kept drinking. Then I wasn't drunk. I wasn't drunk when I blacked out.
I hadn't had anything to drink,
but I sort of had this weird moment in the room
where I couldn't,
like for just momentarily,
kind of like,
what the fuck am I doing here?
What's going on?
And I was like,
oh, that was weird.
And then later that day,
I had a couple more drinks,
then I had a meal
and the meal came back.
So sorry,
you blacked out
and then you carried on drinking.
I felt fine after I blacked out.
It was just,
it wasn't a black,
it was weird.
I can't really describe it.
Have you ever,
right,
here's the best way I can describe it.
You ever been playing on a computer game,
right?
Like some computer game
and you go to the toilet or whatever
and you come back
and you unpause it
and you have to quickly look around
with your carrot and go,
right,
where the fuck was I?
What was I doing on this game?
It was like that,
but life.
Are you asking me personally
because I've never played
on a computer game? I'm asking the world, yeah. Do you know what I world yeah i mean when you you know if you come back down to where like when you go
into a room and you've got what you've gone in for yeah yeah or when you unpause something on
the tell you and you go sorry what what bit was right what was happening you have to rewind it a
bit it was that but life and it was only momentary and i thought okay fair enough and then yeah later
on that day it was really really warm uh and i had a i had quite a big meal
and i was fine i walked back to the hotel and everything and then yeah two o'clock in the morning
woke up and just just all night and now my throat is red row off all the all the hocking up um so
that was good so so your beef is that i enjoyed myself on holiday and accidentally got ill and
that's your beef with me you know what you piece of shit but right this is the difference here okay i couldn't like i can't get that drunk because i know that i've got two
kids to look after i was only drunk one night you are absolutely steaming that one night so don't
even day and that was miles before i got sunstroke so it's got nothing but it's added up to it how
do you know this because i get that's what happens man i just get annoyed because I just feel like blokes right and I'm
fuck it
I don't care if I'm
get called sexist
or whatever
but blokes just can do
whatever they want
if they don't need to
think about it
whereas I
I couldn't get
I wanted to get
mortal drunk on holiday
I would have loved to
get absolutely
palatic off me face
but I had two kids
I wasn't palatic
I wasn't palatic mortal
you were
one night I just got
a little bit too drunk
whatever
you did it in Italy
when we went to a
friend's wedding
remember that as well
where you had to stay in bed
the whole next day
yes that was bad
so I'm sorry
oh bring up something
that happened three years ago
right well aye
but still
I can't do that
okay
what's your beef
with me
I'll tell you
what my beef is right
because you've just imposed
that rule on yourself
you could definitely do that
no I could not you absolutely could and I could just be sitting here having a go because you've just imposed that rule on yourself you could definitely do that no I could not
you could not just be sitting here having a go at you
it would be no difference
right whatever
I'm getting all hot
listen you're flaring up me sunstroke
I'm getting all hot
still got it
I've got to keep my temperature down
three days later
yeah it's not going
it's like a big horrible manky hangover that I can't get rid of
right come on
and I stubbed me too early on by the way
I don't care
come on
listen my beef with you is
when I was very ill with my well I had a beef with you is when i was very ill with my
i had a lovely little night right when i was very ill with my sunstroke i woke up right i woke up
the night and i went to the toilet i don't want to go on about it but i went to the toilet a bit
late i went to the toilet and i wasn't well a few times in the toilet i came back to bed and i was
walking around the room my stomach was killing us you woke up in that hotel room you turned over
you went what you're doing are you all right i went i can't stop being sick you went oh i'm going back to sleep
direct quote direct quote what's wrong chris what's wrong rosie i don't know what's happening
i can't stop being sick oh i'm going back to sleep I now like it
bedside manner much
wouldn't be a nurse would you
I know but Chris
sorry but you know when I was pregnant
and all them nights where I had cramps in my legs
and I couldn't sleep and I was nauseous
and I dove out of the bed in the middle of the night
and I massaged your leg to get rid of the cramp
don't you dare
hold your hair back rub yes rub your back yes no absolutely not god you're sick on your own fucking time
what'd you do if i wasn't there i mean it was exactly like you weren't there i had to get up
with rave though that's why sleep it was very vitally important that unfortunately rave came
before you even one more sentence even one other sentence in
between in between what's wrong and i'm going back just oh goodness how oh are you all right
do you need anything do you want to phone someone do you drink some water oh don't worry about it
any just any but oh i'm going back to sleep did that not say anything else at all? Fucking full computer says no.
Rolled back over.
Fully back to sleep.
Honestly, I've never known a dislike.
That's what happens when you're a hypochondriac.
The boy who cried wolf.
Chris who's always ill.
Sometimes, Chris.
I'm not always ill.
Oh, right, aye.
Oh, me tooth.
Oh, me tooth. Oh, me tooth. Oh, me tooth.
Oh, me jaw.
Oh, me pregnancy.
Shut up, man.
Let's list them.
You've done much more than me. Evidence.
I've got evidence.
What have you got?
I had to get me tooth operated on.
I had a toilet full of puke, but you wouldn't know
because you went straight back to sleep in the cab.
Honestly, I think you were just going in the toilet
and going, bleh.
I think I'm making it up.
You thought, oh, I haven't had any sympathy
for a good couple of weeks.
I was being violently sick, and in He thought, oh, I haven't had any sympathy for a good couple of weeks. I was being violently sick.
And in between it, I quickly opened my phone to write down the fact that you did that.
I told you the next day to sip water, not down water.
Didn't I?
Could have done that on the night.
And I asked you on the plane.
I asked you three times if you were okay.
Three times on a three-hour flight.
Imagine that.
Once an hour, she turned over.
Fine. Honestly, what a bag of dicks you are do you know what i mean it's time for questions from the public
guys as always if you want to get in touch it's shaggedmardinoid at gmail.com
hi chris and rosie my husband recently purchased some new shorts for work that are a bit
too big for him but the smaller size was too small he's in between sizes yeah classic classic
problem you had that on holiday didn't try shorts on before he went away i got honestly too small
so we had like a a stylist guy doing our tv pilot and he does some certain stuff for ray he's amazing
shout out to ray he does a load of styling stuff for loads of people he's brilliant uh and he got a load of
stuff sent to us he was like i can get you some stuff for your holiday off people so he got some
stuff sent and i didn't try any of it on and i got there none of it probably fits now after two
days of holding up that is true that's perfectly now very funny when you're stood there probably
too big now he came in from work today and as we were standing
in the kitchen i looked at his shorts and asked are you wearing cling film as a belt
sorry he responds with well i didn't have a cord wow what are the actual folks just to clarify
he thought this was an ingenious idea as he wants a soft fabric belt but hasn't
been to the shops yet to get one again what the actual fuck please tell me you're with me on this
one sorry so he didn't have time to go and get a belt a fabric belt for his shorts which are in
between sizes a little bit too big so instead he used cling film so he rolled out a big sheet of
cling film to what would be the length of what his belt would be.
Yeah.
And then I imagine he then rolled that lengthways into a belt.
Yes.
And put it round and tied it.
Yes.
Do you think that's a good idea?
I've seen worse.
Right.
What have you seen that's worse?
I've seen a worse belt.
What?
But I think they were doing it on purpose to try and be cool,
which made it even worse.
What was it?
It was an iPhone charger. Oh. Oh I think they were doing it on purpose to try and be cool, which made it even worse. It was an iPhone charger.
Oh.
Oh.
That's someone trying to be cool.
But it was actually before iPhones, so it was actually an iPod charger.
It was the white.
Right.
So USB plug on one side.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And the wider.
Can you remember the wider plug?
Yes.
That was that in like iPod docking stations.
That on the other side.
Right, okay.
Yeah.
Do you remember the seatbelt belt
yes
like an aeroplane seatbelt
and you could wear it as a belt
I really wanted one of them
did you really
oh I did
back in the
like Avril Lavigne days
well
so when she said fabric belt
does she mean the one where
you put the belt
it's like a fabric one
and it goes in almost like that
but then
instead of tucking
the long bit
that's left over
you leave it hanging out
down the front
like an off centre
fabric skateboard penis
yes
that's what he's
needing to get
but instead he's used
a bit of cling film
well I'd rather wear
cling film than
them fucking belts
oh would you
I wore them when I was
14
maniac
but personally
I think that's a bit
dangerous
what cling film
cling film
yeah
could it not like
choke his midriff
well no because if it's too
tight you'll just stop you'll just you'll just go this is too tight i just feel like it's dangerous
how does it not snap i don't actually it's very strong when it's together okay do you know when
it's like rolled together it's really strong i mean fair enough i mean am i impressed maybe it's
it's it's clever tinfoil would never have worked.
Is it clever?
All right, okay, yeah.
It is quite clever. Waterproof, I suppose.
Waterproof?
Maybe.
Just a bit weird, isn't it?
It is a bit.
How many people saw that during the day?
What's his job?
I mean...
Surgeon.
Hopefully not so much.
And yes, your husband will be fine.
I'll just reach up and get something from this shelf.
What, you don't want me to perform the operation anymore?
Why?
Oh, you saw my cling film, Bill.
Yes, I am a fucking maniac.
Are you ready for your amputation, Mr. Ramsey?
Awful.
Hello.
Love the podcast and all the dirty humour.
Thank you.
It's not just dirty humour. That's also quite silly, but fair enough.
It's mainly dirty, isn't it? That's fine.
And recently remembered a rather rude and rather funny experience
that occurred to me about three years ago.
Feel free to use my name, Emily, by the way.
I think you'll both quite appreciate this.
Okay.
Rosie for the funny sexual scenario and Chris for the extreme commitment to cleanliness and hygiene.
Look, tell you what, I normally don't like it when someone prefaces something,
you know, when someone's like, I'm about to tell you the funniest thing ever.
But I like the way this has been built up.
Well, it's something for both, isn't it?
I'm looking forward to this.
Okay.
So, I've been with my partner for around five years,
but we were probably two to three years into our relationship at the time. Okay. So, I've been with my partner for around five years, but we were probably two to three years into our relationship at the time.
Okay.
For context, he is very cautious when it comes to germs, hygiene and general cleanliness.
Good man.
Think washing hands after touching his phone
and regularly putting antibacterial spray on all the door handles and keys.
Okay.
Yeah, no, I get it.
Yeah.
I mean, pre-pandemic.
We did that anyway. We did that anyway yeah yeah one evening i had been to the gym and when i got home i showered but didn't
wash my hair i got into bed with my boyfriend and we started getting frisky but he didn't want to
touch my dirty gym hair i like him oh do you do you think that would be
would you not touch
my dirty gym hair
wash your hair
you dirty gym whore
why
it's just hair
yeah but you know
how much have you been sweating
I don't know
but I don't
I don't find that bad
they share that bed together
Chris you thinking
I'm washing my hair
every day
is that some sort of thing
yeah but you don't go
to the gym Rosie
oh my god
listen You don't go to the gym, Rosie. Oh, I do.
Listen.
At worst, there's going to be food in your hair.
Yeah, I never have to wash my hair.
Yes, you never sweat.
That's why.
You don't move. Hey, actually, enough of I've been on the Peloton. That's why. You don't move.
Hey, actually,
naff off.
I've been on the Peloton.
I'm joking.
Well, yeah.
Keep your fucking jokes to yourself.
Right.
Anyway, listen.
She's got a dirty gym hair.
I feel like you might forget about it in the Throes of Passion,
but okay, fair enough.
Yeah, well, exactly.
The sex is dirty anyway.
Chris, I'm sorry,
but is that what you're thinking about
when you're getting dirty and frisky?
Oh, your hair smells.
I don't know
I mean
I did once go out
with a guy who had
a really smelly hat
and I remember
just thinking
oh wash your hat
because it was
like proper stunk
so that was smelly hair
actually okay
right I can
right I'm on board
with this
smelly hair is rank
okay well there you go
she might have a big
massive bouffant
of stinking hair
and it might be like
in his face
or it might be like
dangling
she might be on top and it might be like dangling on him and it might be, like, in his face or it might be, like, dangling.
She might be on top and it might be, like, dangling on him.
He might be like, oh, my God.
Yeah, it smells of the gym.
It might be putting him off.
Hey, it'd make him last longer,
but it might be putting him off.
He might be enjoying himself.
Right, fair enough.
There you go.
He joked that he would only have sex
if I could find a way to fully cover my hair up
so he wouldn't touch it.
Oh, my God.
Well, as I was very horny,
I took to on the challenge. we didn't have a shower cap
and a beanie wouldn't quite fit the bill tying it into a bun was out of the picture and i really
couldn't be bothered to go and wash it i know what she's used but then yeah do you want to guess
i'd quite like to guess okay ready go on then pillowcase no oh okay then come on but then i found a balaclava in my boyfriend's
wardrobe why who's got a balaclava from his mountain hiking days oh right god i put it on
as a joke and turned to him asking will this do as i jumped back into bed we had a good laugh about it but one thing led to
another and we had sex whilst i wore a balaclava and now it's his thing now we can't get an erection
unless i've got a balaclava on oh hey tell you what could you have sex with me with a balaclava
by the way.
Am I guessing it right here?
It's literally, you can only see the eyes.
Eyes and mouth.
Eyes and mouth.
So it depends on the balaclava.
So when I was little, I had a balaclava that basically just,
you had just your face visible. So from your chin to your forehead.
Right, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You could see.
But some of them have got cover in the nose.
Some of them, like the ones, you know, like the ones terrorists use.
Yeah, old school robbers.
I've got just two eye holes and a round mouth hole. Some of them, like the ones, you know, like the ones terrorists use. Yeah, old school robbers.
Just two eye holes and a round mouth hole.
I mean, really weird.
That could be anyone you're having sex with.
I know.
All for the sake of Dirty Jim here.
And how clean was this balaclava if he'd been mountain hiking? Well, exactly.
But now his balaclava smells.
I mean, they say putting a condom on can spoil the moment.
Imagine having to go and find a balaclava.
How long does it take them to get back into it?
Jesus.
Should I do a miniature fashion show?
He's obviously quite...
Like the Goldilocks of sex.
He's obviously quite enjoyed it.
Beanie, too small.
Shower cap, haven't got one.
Balaclava, just right.
Just right.
Very good.
So weird.
So weird.
Fair play. Dear Rosie and Chris, I hope you are well. very good so weird fair play babadoo babadoo babadoo
dear Rosie and Chris
I hope you are well
are you well?
fuck's got to do with you
oh
yeah yeah
I'm fine sorry
it's me sunstroke talking
shut up
I've got spotty feet
no one's ever
haven't talked about this yet
we're not talking about it again
no stop
look at me serious face
I don't want to
I don't want to have to
stop the podcast
but stop
we don't care
nobody cares it's cold it's a heat rash Chris face. I don't want to have to stop the podcast, but stop. We don't care. Nobody cares. It's weird.
It's called, it's a heat rash, Chris.
Oh, I would have
hated you. You hid this from me.
What? I'm annoyed, actually.
Here we go. The first two years
of our relationship, you didn't
act like this. Right. It was only once
you'd had it. Once you had us married
and a kid, then you let the real
you out, Mr. Hypochondriac.
You did.
This was not you that I met.
Okay.
Right.
Reel it back in.
Right.
Right?
But look at me for it.
No.
I swear to God.
Guys, it looks like someone's painted the red dots.
I have a question for you.
Right.
What are your thoughts about sharing a roll on deodorant with someone else
awful stop it
nah
brackets
partner
siblings
or parents
sorry
where is this
I was having this
conversation with a
friend who was
saying it was like
sharing a bar of
soap
nah
but I disagree
nah
when you apply
deodorant on your
armpits you're
maybe already a bit
sweaty so when
the next person
uses it there is a bit of someone else's sweat on it whereas when you share a bar of soap you're not
sweaty anymore as you have the water running down your body i can't help but thinking that sharing
a deodorant is a bit gross also you uh you rinse the soap before and after you use it even if you
don't do it intentionally you do that you pick up, you get it wet, you rub it in your hands, that gets the top layer off.
I mean, I am really more upset than when someone offers me
their roll-on deodorant.
It's very upsetting.
When are you in a situation that people offer you their roll-on deodorant?
If you're getting ready somewhere, if you're backstage at some kind of gig,
or if people have a festival show back in the day,
or a comedy club, and it'd be like, oh God, I need some deodorant, oh yeah, use mine, and it's a roll- have, you know, a festival show back in the day or a comedy club, and it'd be like,
oh, God needs me, oh, yeah, use mine.
And it's a roll-on.
You go, get that out of my face.
I've used your roll-on before when I haven't had any.
And it's quite nice.
Like, I smell a bit manly for the day.
It's lovely.
It's quite refreshing.
Are you saying I smell manly?
This is new.
Me. This is new. Me!
This is new.
Little old me.
Wow.
Manning me man off.
This is new development.
I might go and put a shelf up or something.
Gone to me head.
Honestly, hey.
Am I going to dig a hole in the garden?
Hi, Chris and Rosie.
Hi.
I have a finance related question for you
Listen you've came to the right people
Listen
What?
Come on
Mr and Mrs Terrible with money
You've came to the right place
We'll do your tax return
Come on
Listen
We will tell you
Whatever it is
We'll tell you how much it's worth
In lamps and sofas
I used to do
I used to do my own tax returns
Oh god I did mine once
I was nearly crying
It's really horrible
I'd have like
I'd have that box of like receipts And just going through them I'd be like Well I don't once. I was nearly crying. Oh, it's really horrible. I'd have that box of receipts
and just going through them
and I'd be like,
well, don't know what I'm doing.
Yeah.
Bad.
I've thankfully took on your accountant,
which is nice.
I had to do all my mileage and stuff on cars.
It was horrible.
I used to write it in a jotter and pencil.
It's terrible.
It's so daunting.
And I think we might have said this before.
I think they should teach that at schools.
Yeah, 100%.
Yeah.
100%.
Yeah.
They need to teach you how to pay bills
and how to do actual real life shit
because when you're stuck in the real world,
you go,
what is this?
Exactly.
This is the question.
My boyfriend has a car.
Well,
what do we do?
Lord fucking dar,
your highness.
Goodness me.
Email an idiot a show off,
are you?
Got a car, has he? Listen, off are you got a car has he listen
my husband's got a car
as well
actually
how many seats
it's got two seats
oh no come on
I'm not trying to be nasty
I'm just joking
it's just the weird thing
it's just the weird thing
yeah my boyfriend
has a car
oh then in brackets
I can't drive
oh I feel bad now
she's quite impressed by it
I feel bad now
she's buzzing
no yeah yeah
no okay sorry
she's literally watching him drive with her mouth open like, oh, wow.
I need a hero.
I'm holding that for her.
We live together and hence you said car a lot.
Things like shopping and visiting my parents, going away for weekends, etc.
So basically, he's the driver, she can't drive.
Okay.
No worries. parents going away for weekends etc so basically he's the driver she can't drive so you know yeah he's about to have to pay for the repair tax and insurance of his car around 1300 pounds how much
do you guys think is fair for me to contribute or should i be stingy and not give him anything
sorry sorry is the repair the tax and the servicing does It just... Well, this is from a non-driver. Right.
So she wrote repair tax.
Fuck me.
Repair tax.
Yeah, but when I didn't drive,
I didn't know what it was called.
So there's probably the road...
Repair tax.
Right.
What is it?
There's road tax.
Road tax.
There's like servicing.
There's road tax, MOT.
MOT.
Servicing.
Servicing.
Insurance.
Tire insurance.
Yeah. Sunroof. Hair? I'm just making them up. All right, okay. MOT Servicing Insurance Tire insurance Yeah
Sunroof
I'm just making them up
Alright okay
Yeah the sunroof cover
You've got to pay your headlight mortgage
Chris shut up
And you've got to pay your dipstick charge
Dipstick?
No dipstick
Oh with the oil
I mean I should have known more about the dipstick
because I once broke down
on Cowgate Roundabout
because I didn't have
enough oil in
got you
knackered me car
there we go
devastating
there we go
should she
so how much is it
£1300
£1300
right but she gets
driven everywhere
and it's their car
yeah
and they live together
yeah
what do you think
I mean honestly
I wouldn't
you don't think you should, do you?
Ah.
I mean.
Well, you call my bank account.
We don't have a joint account,
but you call my bank account our bank account,
and you call your bank account your bank account, don't you?
That's your.
That's exactly where you fucking stand on it, you snake.
Oh, yeah.
Listen, you had a bank account for years of just you when i
was just you know full-time mother and right so now it's my it was i was it was i was then
you know well you know listen if he's asked for it then you probably should but if he's not
mentioned it i would just say to him do they live in for that by the way do you want me to chip in for some of this
considering I'm very drowned
they do live together
I mean if he doesn't ask
scum
absolute scum
don't pay for it
you're one of them people who go
he'd pay that £1300
and you'd come in with four cans of carl and from
and go
that's because you got your car done
they were £3 by the way.
Well done.
You would, wouldn't you?
Absolutely. You would. A fucking poppadom
or something. There you go.
That's my contribution.
I got you that poppadom?
What do you mean?
You ate it?
Giz it back.
Giz it back then.
You scum
sure
offer him something
for god's sake
you're a bloody guy
don't offer a thing
until he says something
then go
eh I didn't
I didn't even think about that
of course
he has a tenner
he has a poppadom
well he has something right
I know we've gone on a bit about this
but
why doesn't she just pay for the petrol
right what do you mean that can be her job paying for paying for petrol i mean i'm hoping she does
now and then offer to pay for the petrol who knows what anyone ferried around like the queen
like the pope yeah but like my nana's never drove i doubt me nana was offering me granddad money for
his car
it's their car did i never tell you about when i first started stand up and i drove a mate of
mine up to edinburgh we're both gonna get the train to edinburgh and i said oh look i'll drive
it'll be easier and go door to door and i drove him up and i told him how much better it was and
he went ballistic what do you mean he like went off it he was like what he was like 20 quid he
was like i can get the train for six quid And I went Oh sorry mate Sorry I don't price match
Against fucking British Rail
Sorry I
Sorry I didn't check
On their site
And match the price for you
That's how much
The petrol is you prick
Now do you want to
Fucking live at this service
As a Berwick or not
Wow
Nob
Are you friends anymore
I don't care
Babadoo babadoo babadoo
To all the smars and dars
Thank you so much
For listening to this week's episode
Of Shagmar Denoid Which is part of the Acast Creator Network It is it iss thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of
shag my annoyed which
is part of the a cast
creator network it is
it is indeed thank you
so much for listening
thank you for getting
in touch as always if
you want to send
anything at shag
my annoyed at gmail.com
the tour for the
podcast is on sale now
the December dates in
arenas still have some
tickets available as
soon as people see
people going to gigs
again it's gonna fly
out you need to be quick on that
my tour is almost
100% sold out
there's odd tickets
here and there
I've got some warm ups
coming up soon
I can't wait
Rosie both of us
cannot wait to get back
out in front
so excited
we're going to see you all
in the flesh
we're going to have
such a great time
it's going to be amazing
thank you all so much
for listening
throughout all of this
we'll see you live soon
but we'll be back in your ears
in podcast form next week yay bye guys bye
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