Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 13. Bed time stand off

Episode Date: May 10, 2019

This week on the podcast Chris and Rosie discuss embarrassing parental behaviour, who would win in a fight and dubious Instagram behaviour. They also hear from comedian Daniel Sloss who wants to know if either have conceded an argument when they actually think they’re right Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shagged Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey, who's going on a stag do tomorrow. So we're having to record the podcast really, really early in the week. And I'm knackered, but I'm not mad.

That's a really, really positive way to start the podcast. Thanks for listening. I'm knackered. I am going on a stag do tomorrow, and I'm buzzing. But thanks for listening. This is episode 13. And before we start, as always, a word from this week's sponsor. I'm not in the mood. I'm not in the mood for your sponsors. The people are gagging for this sponsor.

They're not. Gagging for it. Nobody's gagging. And also. For anything you're offering. Also, the money I'm getting from these sponsors, I kind of turned this down. So I've got to say it. I'm really sorry.

They're paying for the house. You're getting nothing no I am this week's sponsor is Sivs Sivs Sivs hey

and colanders hey are you are you sick of scald in your hands when you get your spaghetti out of the boiling water

she's laughing you need a colander I thought it was Siv no I thought it was S need a colander don't say no i thought it was saved and colanders don't be just putting it shut up don't be putting your hands into boiling what's crazy talk you're getting your peas out with boiling hands as well you're cupping your hands it's madness what you hey every time you go to a and e do they not go just get a colander because that's what they should be saying to you. Colanders and sieves. Sieves,

hey, have you shat in the bath? Get a sieve. Scoop that out. Enjoy your bath. You are terrible at this. You started with sieves

and changed to colanders. They're both owned by the same company. You done? Yes. That was the worst one yet. You should be ashamed of yourself. Here's the jingle.

We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingle! Hello, us again. Welcome back. This is episode 13 of Shagmarianoid. Thank you so much for coming back.

Thank you. Thank you. If you are listening every week, that's amazing. Thank you. If you're binge listening, thank you again. And I'm sorry if we've mentioned anything twice yeah we can't really keep track we've got someone who edits it and and i'm daisy who edits it big shout out i'm hoping that she's keeping track as well but yeah it's starting to get a bit groundhogged here sometimes like have we answered this question yet or not who knows it's sort of mirroring a

marriage it absolutely is um there's still time to vote for us in the listener's sort of mirroring a marriage in itself. It absolutely is. There's still time to vote for us in the Listener's Choice of the British Podcast Awards. Literally just, I think it's britishpodcastawards.co.uk. Just Google it, British Podcast Awards. Click on Vote, Listener's Choice. Type in married and oid, because shagged is a naughty word and no one's allowed to say it. Or type it or read it or say it. Shagged.

And then, yeah, just put in your email address and vote for it that would be really lovely question who's if we won I mean if we were

lucky enough to win yeah god forbid sorry sorry I don't like that attitude when we win when we win whose office

is the award going to go in I would like it to go halfway between the two offices in the middle of the hall suspended from the ceiling okay or maybe in the family room above the middle of the hall. In the hallway. Suspended from the ceiling. Okay. Or maybe in the family room.

Above the toilet. Boom. We'll both use that. Right. But then you get to look at it and I'll not look at it. I'll look at it half the time. That's enough for me.

We'll get it above the toilet and then we'll get a mirror. Okay. On the other side. Right, that was a deal. Let's have a little chin-chin. Chin- the other side. Right, that works. So I can see from both sides. Let's have a little chin-chin. Chin-chin on that.

Yeah, cheers. So, or British Podcast Awards, if you're listening, just give it a two. A little his and hers. That would work better. Or I did buy Circular Saw the other day when I was doing the stuff in Robin's room. He's putting his shelves up in his playroom, so I could just saw it in half.

I knew you'd mention that. Me saw. I just knew you would mention that up in his playroom, so I just saw it in half. I knew you'd mention that. Me saw. I just knew you would mention that you did his playroom and you got it in there. And I know you too well. You've been desperate to mention that you did his playroom out. All you did was put up a couple of flipping shelves. Six shelves, actually.

Six shelves. Okay, fair enough. And I've turned the carnage on that floor. It was a nightmare walking in there. He didn't know what was going on. And I've turned the carnage on that floor. It was a nightmare walking in there. He didn't know what was going on. And I've turned it. It's fantastic now. He plays really well.

He gets the little toys out at a time, put the toys back in the box, they go back on. Every box is labelled. They're all on the shelves. It's banging. I've done a fantastic job. I think, I'll be honest with you,

I think I should get some kind of humanitarian award for it. Listen, we're scraping the barrel with the podcast award, never mind some other award. Nobel Prize. Is there a Nobel Prize for shelves? Please get in touch.

Little segue here. Isn't it mental that he's got a playroom? Yeah, it's ridiculous. Can you imagine growing up having a playroom? Well, can you remember when we said, we will never give him a playroom? I know. We'll go to Fretal's houses whose kids had playrooms

and would leave going, God, you seen that? Little bloody Lord Fauntleroy, a little bloody princess that got a playroom. We'll going, God, you seen that? Little bloody Lord Fauntleroy, a little bloody princess that got a playroom. We'll never do that, will we? No.

There's your playroom. Oh, you want all your shit in the living room as well? No problem. And your bedroom. Just have it everywhere. And outside. And me shed's frigging full of it.

God damn him. Runs his house, doesn't he? Unbelievable, isn't it? Little wonger. Wow. Have you had a good week? I have. I've had a a good week I have I've had a really good week

yeah anything exciting just been doing warm up shows just warming up my new show for it's a I'm doing a TV recording

recording it at the Tyne Theatre in Newcastle do a little plug come on I'm plugging it now sadly I will not be using

my circular saw at any point during the show I know everyone wants to say that. I'll mention it at some point. Yeah, 27th of June, two shows I'm doing at the Tyne Theatre in Newcastle, both extremely close to selling out.

There's seats right at the top left. I've been in that venue to watch Friends of Mine and it's really still a good view at the top. So, tickets available on my Twitter and all that and on my website. It's getting recorded for TV, early show and a late show. They'll both be the same.

Don't come to both. You'll be disappointed by the second one. I'm excited for it. Can't wait. You're coming, aren't you? You're not coming in. I might see if I can get you to come out and do a little wave and a hello at the end, maybe. Why?

Just because people like you and they want to see you. Okay. Well, it'll cost them. Right. Well, that's a lovely attitude. Sorry, but you know what it is. Somebody's got to pay these bills. Somebody's got to pay these damn bills you know what it is somebody gotta pay these bills somebody gotta pay these damn i will literally be there to pay the bills that's literally why i'm

there okay well i'm not getting any of that okay so uh if you see her at the bar buy her a drink but you might be shirty with you i will come if you pay me at the end i will come on at the end for 100 pounds 100 pounds yeah and do a wave. How many waves? Will you do 100 waves for £100? No, I'll literally, I'll do like one, two. That's it. Can you hear that beep? The washing machine's finished.

It's the washing machine. Yeah. That's amazing, isn't it? So if you can hear that beep, the mics are picking it up. We did Giovanna Fletcher's podcast this week. We did, it was very good. I was embarrassed by how good her setup was.

I was embarrassed. It was like... But she's got I was embarrassed by how good her setup was. I was embarrassed. It was like, But she's got a proper sponsor. This is why. Yeah. Sivs and Colin does not pay my bills. She's literally, it was,

she had her own like logo on the background. It was lovely. It was three cameras. It was a proper studio. There's about six people working there. Like,

it was amazing. On this, if you, if you turn up really loud, you can hear the fucking fridge humming. And the washing machines just went off. Solo rent. We've just finished with tea.

I just had with tea sat in front of the mics. Rosie, I'm looking at laptop now. A bit of the noodles you made for tea are on your laptop because I was going through the emails. Oh, gosh. We're sorry, guys. Absolutely awful. Have you had a good week? Do you know what? I've had through the emails. Oh, God. We're sorry, guys. Absolutely awful. Have you had a good week?

Do you know what? I've had a lovely week. Two podcasts collided this weekend. Yeah. I was on the Guilty Feminist live show at the City Hall in Newcastle, which was amazing. Proper eye-opening, actually.

I've listened to a couple of the Guilty Feminist podcasts and they're amazing. And to be thereening, actually. I've listened to a couple of the Gully Feminist podcasts and they're amazing. And to be there with so many inspirational women, it was just wonderful. Yeah. I'm going to make sure I left all the dishes for you when you got back, just to counteract all the feminism.

I mean, really? Really? Just not necessary, Chris. Just not necessary. You know I'm joking. You're rubbish at the dishes. Good joking. You're rubbish at the dishes. Good job. You're rubbish at the dishes, you bloody feminist.

And I can't start the dishwasher. I just want to quickly actually just take a second because it's our podcast and we can say what we like. I just want to give a massive shout out because there was a lady there called Rosie Lewis from the Angelou Centre in Newcastle and she was just so inspirational. So I said, I was like,

I'll give you a little shout out on my podcast just to get people a bit more involved uh the Angelou Center is a black-led women's refuge center it's in Newcastle and it's I just want to kind of get the name out there a little bit go and follow them on Twitter it's at Angelou Center one um they need donations and if they're looking for like bilingual volunteers and Fantastic. She was just so passionate and just doing such good work. She's worked for them for like 25 years. They're having the 25-year anniversary soon. And yeah, it's local to us, obviously, but give them a follow.

Good on you. It was actually a strange night last night because when you got in from the Guilty Feminist podcast, I'd gotten from a warm-up show I was doing in South Shields. I got us a curry from a local restaurant, and we got home at about the same time and we had our curry. It's the first time I've ever had a curry ruined by ants. Oh, yeah.

I've heard of picnics ruined by ants, but not curries ruined by ants. It's horrible. Just to clarify, we had ants in my kitchen yesterday they didn't go anywhere any of the curry but chris couldn't eat the curry i couldn't because you're looking for them now what you're doing i'm looking sorry i don't know what i know i am literally looking past i was looking past it i'll stop i'll stop it was freak this out man i honestly i was putting me like rice on at the plate and i dropped a like globule is the word of uh of like rice and curry and i hit the deck and i looked down and these ants were just like,

what? They got my glasses in, lads. And they climbed on it and I was like, oh my. And then I looked and everywhere I looked there was just more and more ants. And I was just freaking out. And I couldn't enjoy my curry. I must have had about six or seven mouthfuls of that curry. And I was looking and I put two little ant traps down and I got the powder.

I threw that everywhere like I was at a fucking wedding. What you don't realise is that I'm actually just on a diet, and so I've just set off loads of ants everywhere just to put waffle food. Oh, that's very, very selfish of you. Well done. The ant diet. It's called the ant diet, yeah, literally.

And then what they do is, you know, when sometimes if you're sitting at the dinner table and you've just got your food in front of you still, and there's like picky bits and you just end up picking at it they just come and take it away they just come there's loads of them

hundreds of them they just come and pick it up like the chips like the spicy chips just come and take them away and you're like oh shit but you go thanks Anse

because I didn't need that extra chip Rosie if you get enough of them they'll actually carry you out of the kitchen just like oh you're eating again come on and they just carry you and they'll just take you out of the kitchen. Just like, oh, you're eating again, aren't you? Oh, come on.

And they just carry you and they'll just take you down the corridor. They could take us on a run. Yeah, take me on a run. And if it works, they need less and less of them to carry you each time. Have I just invented something amazing? That's like, I don't know if you've mentioned it. Have we mentioned on the podcast

your friend of a friend with the chicken? I don't know, actually've mentioned it. Have we mentioned on the podcast your friend of a friend with the chicken? I don't know, actually. Because that's the... I feel like I told you this and then you stole it. Yeah, it's one of my favourite stories. I've told about 100 people this story. Don't tell the story. It's my favourite thing.

So a friend of a friend of Rosie's was... Am I right? She was trying to lose weight for our wedding? It wasn't her wedding. Right. She was going to a wedding. I think she was bridesmaid at a wedding right and i dressed and fit so the week before the wedding sure honestly prepare yourselves and please disclaimer do not try this at home it's really dangerous

this is the craziest diet tactic i have ever heard in my life and i can't get enough of it the week before the wedding, she just got loads of chicken breasts and left them on the counter. Raw. Raw chicken breasts. Just licked them all the time. I still laugh. I still laugh when I hear it. She just got food poisoning and just kept going back

and licking all the raw chicken. But like over a couple of days. Psychotic. It's so horrible isn't it? Psychotic behaviour. So I think, isn't it? That is psychotic behaviour. So I think, so obviously, she got food poisoning and lost, she probably only lost a few pounds, but. Oh, that is so bad. That is so bad.

Don't try this at home. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? Beef curtains. That's disgusting.

Oh, sorry. Not many people will get that. Forgot working highbrow podcast. If you got that, well done. beef what's a beef beef curtains that's disgusting oh sorry not many people get that forgot working highbrow podcast not many if you got that people won't get beef curtains a lot of people won't get beef curtains wow how come is it i just don't think they will should we tell everyone what beef curtains are no just let them find out okay horrible by the way you're an animal now you've got me thinking if I know what beef curtains are. You know what beef curtains are.

Oh, okay. I think I do, yeah. Don't say it. I'm not... I'll delete it myself. Okay, my beef with you this week is... You don't touch my beef curtains.

Stop. No, it's not literally they've been in touch with the social services neglect very well played that was fantastic work very very very well played what's your real beef? Okay.

My actual real beef is kind of two beefs rolled into one. Fantastic. Okay. I am livid at the fact that you are such a hypochondriac. Right? Is it hypochondriac or hypochondriact? I think it's hypochondriac, but I don't, I'm not certain. Who knows? Anyway, you're one of them. My beefs are not good with words. Shh. hypochondriac I think it's hypochondriac but I don't I'm not certain who knows anyway

you're one of them my beefs are not good with words you are such a hypochondriac that you will not watch hospital dramas yeah like I love a hospital drama

honestly Grey's Anatomy yeah one of the best things I've ever seen little Mr. Hoo-Ha over here

can't watch it because he thinks that he's going to catch all of the diseases right yeah okay I know I'm not

in the minority here I know there's a lot of people who can't watch this Grey's Anatomy was ridiculous stupid program yeah because

it's fictional Christopher no no no they're all from you told me yourself all the things that happen are all from medical journals. Yeah, but not like, not at the same day in the very ray. The very ray.

Typical day in, what's it called? What's the hospital called in Grey's Anatomy? Sacred Heart. No, it's not. That's Scrubs. Well. Well, Grey's Anatomy. Seattle, um.

Something. Seattle Grace. First of all, it's always pissing it down, which is irritating. And everyone who comes in, it's like, oh, look, I stubbed my toe and I broke my toe. Oh, not a problem. We'll get that fixed in no time. Hold on.

I've just realized your nose is running. Oh, yeah, it runs all the time. Okay, yeah, that's brain tumor. Every fucking episode. Every single episode. Oh, I've been in a car crash oh don't worry you've only hurt your leg

hold on what's that mark on your ear brain tumour every single one I mean there was you know all of the episodes they didn't all have brain tumours

it was all everyone went in with something innocuous and then something else turned out that had everyone but it's a programme can't watch it

it's horrible but like how ridiculous that you you just can't watch it it's horrible like how ridiculous that you you just can't watch it I feel like I've got all the things I watch it for two seconds

and I've got all the things my god how self-obsessed can you be do you know what I mean I don't get that I'm not like that at all I don't sit there and go

oh that could happen to me yeah I feel like I've got them all it's the it's because it's the ones where I don't know like they don't sit there and go, oh, that could happen to me. Yeah. I feel like I've got them all. It's because it's the ones where, I don't know, like they don't realise. Do you know what I mean? I don't know.

Yeah, but I mean, things happen, Chris. Yeah. In life. You know what I mean? Things happen. Now, you've never been in a hospital before. People are too early. Yeah, but it's the same reason, you know,

like I don't watch, you know, videos of fucking earthquakes and stuff all the time, because I know they happen, but I don't want to think about them all the time, and I don't want to think that I'm going to... That Seattle hospital was the unluckiest fucking hospital in the world. Oh, sorry.

What? I was just wondering if your bubble made any noise. You mean bubble? Mm-hmm. What bubble? Your little bubble that you live in Chris's little bubble fuck it

I get it do you know what it is I act like it it irritates the shit out of us because well we tried to watch one the other day

didn't we we tried to watch bodies yeah and I was like I can't I couldn't watch but I mean

can we just say though that was ridiculous because bodies is about a gynecology ward you haven't got a vagina so it had nothing to do with you. Do you know what I mean?

I didn't even think of that. Absolutely. Like the first episode one of them had What the hell is wrong with me? One of them had was it like cancer ovarian cancer

and Chris said I can't watch this. I was like oh sorry. I can't get that can I? Sorry Chris. No you can't. I was sticking on after this. Okay. Get it. Yes. Yes. The gynast. this i was like oh sorry i can't get that no you can't i was sticking on after this okay get it yes

yes the china you've won that one i yeah i've watched i watched it i thought i had gynecological problems and i don't have a foo-foo right my beef with you is uh it's been going on for a while now I kind of avoid it now I kind of have my own little way of not dealing with it but it's still very routine, you still do it now and then, and I just like throw it out there to the world really, we'll be sitting watching the telly, sit on the sofa

and then we'll go, time for bed? yeah time for bed, okay let's go to bed we turn the telly and the skybox off and you sit back on the sofa whip your phone out and sit on your phone for ages yeah ages even though we've just decided we're gonna go to bed and i'll turn the telly off i'll pick up the cups and stuff and i'll take them through and i'll stand

there and you should be sitting and i just see at the start of little videos on instagram happening as you're flicking flicking through things and i go come on then we'll go upstairs in a minute do you want to why don't you just watch you know that thing you're watching in your hand dude that's a portable device you know you just take it up in a minute right well i'm just gonna go upstairs rosie oh dude why it's madness you hold us hostage for an extra half an hour when i want to be in bed that's no a half an hour no you would rosie if I didn't say anything, you'd sit there till the morning. The reason,

oh, right, okay. You bloody would. The reason I do it is so you will tidy up. Is that it? Is that really it?

Absolutely, of course I do. You bastard. Why do you, why? Because you literally, you don't realise it. Probably shouldn't have told you.

While I'm doing it, you're walking around going, Rosie, come on, we're going to bed, but you are literally walking around tid realise it. Probably shouldn't have told you. While I'm doing it, you're walking around going, Rosie, come on, we're going to bed. But you are literally walking around tidying up. It's brilliant. Tidying up and locking up. Yeah, locking up. You're moving everything.

You're literally plumping the cushions around us. It's wonderful. I'm just sat there waiting for you to finish. Well, that's the last time that'll ever happen. It's not though, is it? No, because I know that you would happily just live in shit. for you to finish. Well, that's the last time that'll ever happen. It's not though, is it? Nah, no, because I know that you would happily

just live in shit and I would have to, I'd give in first and I'd have to just hide you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cheers.

Cheers. I'm not cheersing you. Just come back. You will. Disgust me. Babadoo babadoo babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. They dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league

bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for

every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com it's time for the best bit of the podcast in mine and rose's opinion questions from you lovely lot questions from the public public public public public public public public public sorry i my god first question here this is from lisa this was via twitter lisa said what do you do that you think will embarrass this is lisa christ this is a hell of a sentence what do you do that you think will embarrass your son the most as he gets older? Jesus. All right, okay.

Took me a while to get that out. Grandma, Lisa. Grandma. We can't talk. What do we do that we think will embarrass Robin the most? Oh, my gosh. Could be anything. Anything.

Everything, probably. It could be something. You don't know what he's going to get embarrassed by. We say this. We don't know if he's going to be an introvert or extrovert. I mean, the way he's going, he's going to be an extrovert this we don't know if he's going to be an introvert or extrovert i mean the way he's going he's going to be an extrovert i mean he's been on your instagram just shaking his bum and dancing this weekend i know i didn't teach him that it's amazing it's a little bum shake i don't know where you got that from

i know but it's going to be one of them things you know when he's at school and they get to an age and people go what's your mommy and daddy's job be like oh my daddy's a comedian and my mom on instagram my mom sits on her phone when she'll be going to bed Be like, oh, my daddy's a comedian and my mum on Instagram. My mum sits on her phone when she should be going to bed. Oh, gosh. Who I've been hasn't got a chance. Honestly, I've got a funny feeling. I don't want to, I hope that he isn't,

I don't think he'd be easily embarrassed. You're not easily embarrassed. No, not at all. I can be easily embarrassed, but I can hide it quite well. And I always turn it into, I'll turn it inward. So I'll i'll be inside i'll be dying but outside you won't really realize yeah and i'll always turn it into a routine or something yeah like last night in the curry place i got really upset that the guy wouldn't let us have a poppadom while i was waiting for the order in the restaurant i was like i had a bottle of cobra and i was like can i have like can i just have a poppadom and some and he was like no we don't serve them in the bar and i went why they're not

like a pack of crisps yeah but i was like can i just have a pot like there's tables there's chairs and he was like we're talking about policy i went right well while i'm waiting can i go through the other bit because there's no one in it i went can i go the other bit and have a poppadom he went no you've only got to eat the full meal and now it's like just a fucking poppadom but what did you what did you want to do you just wanted to eat a poppadom i had enough to eat i wanted to eat a poppadom while i was waiting i had a few beers and I was buying like food and I was I wasn't I let him know

that I was upset I wasn't rude to him but I was just like well why it's ridiculous crumbs crumbs maybe but yeah

but he's never met me he's seen me car spotless do you know what I mean yeah but he does know that you could be messy as out and they could have just cleaned all them sheets

and bread and crumb de-crumbed them I wouldn't want no one having no poppadoms on my... My point is, I embarrassed myself because I was just like, it's ridiculous.

And I was a little bit drunk and I was like, it's ridiculous. And then as I sat there a little bit longer, I thought, oh, you're being a big baby here. And I was mortified.

He didn't know I was mortified, but I was mortified. I think you should ring them and apologise. No, I'm never going again. That's it. Silently ticking the curry houses in our town off.

So you've ruined our favourite curry house because you couldn't get a poppadom. Did you or did you not? Did you or did you not have a bit of plastic in your meal from the same curry house

last night? I actually did, yeah. There you go. Like a carton. You're welcome. Oh shit. Oh God, yeah. You're welcome.

Good. I'm not going to name you. You know who you are, curry house, and I'm not naming you because I upset your man about the poppadoms. You'd be named and shamed

if not, yeah? I've found loads of stuff. Do you remember when I found that nail in my curry? What? The bit of nail. Oh, gosh. Maybe before I was with you. I found, like, a nail.

Define nail. Like a fingernail. Mm-hmm. What? Yeah. That's naughty. A fingernail. Yeah, horrible.

Luckily, I was at the end of my meal, so I just finished and then... Right. I didn't finish. I didn't... Sorry, but they look at you at the end of the meal like, oh, well, I may have ate four other fingernails. Yeah, fingernail.

Goodness. Yeah, but I take it internal. So I sat there and I was... The first thing I... I woke up this morning, the first thing I thought was, did I embarrass myself in that Indian restaurant? But I'm over it now. And everyone else I've spoken to has said you should have blatantly give you a poppadom but what i'm saying is i don't think

i hope and i've got a funny feeling by the way he reacts to stuff i don't think robin's gonna be easily embarrassed because the classic now robin what stinks he just laughs his head off loves it doesn't he loves it he goes like ahhh I think he's going to be really yeah he's going to be level headed he's going to be ok with that we shall see

watch this space well if he's not easily embarrassed we'll just have to open a game I know ok dear Rosie and Chris

if you could only eat food beginning with one letter what would it be wow this is a bit like the ch man. Right, okay.

From similar, from the other previous episodes. Okay. But so you can only eat food beginning with one letter. What would it be? P. P?

Yeah. Poppadoms. Pizza. Oh. But I didn't think of poppadoms. Right, okay. So I could have poppadoms pizza, I could have peanut butter, I could have Pizza. Oh. But I didn't think of poppadoms. Right, okay. So I could have poppadoms pizza. I could have peanut butter.

I could have peanuts. Yeah. I could have... Pepperoni. I could have pepperoni with pizza. Pears. I don't really like pears, but I suppose I'd have to. Prunes, keep as regular.

Get rid of all the pizza. Papaya. Seeds. Seeds. Peshwari naan. Mm-hmm. Yeah. No, you can't have a peshwari naan.

Of course I can. No, that's not how it works because that's just the peshwari. The naan is a different thing. Plain naan? No, that's not how it works. Don't be ruining the game. Plain curry. Shut up.

No, yeah, yeah. I think pea. Pea for me. I think mine would be, my two most stable foods would be the curlicue. Curlicue? Crisps and chocolate. Crisps and chocolate. Just so I'm okay.

You know what I mean? And then you can have like carrots. Well, hold on though. Could I have pommes? Right. No, you couldn't. I don't understand then.

What, it's a ridiculous game? No, because pommes are a kind of crisp. Are they crisps? Or are they sort of like a potato snack? Well, there you go. Are I a potato snack?

So I can have potato snacks. So I can have chips because I can have potatoes. Oh, yeah. This is not how I... Just call me Chris Leupold. What I've done is I've bored right through this. Yeah? You know what I'm going to do?

When you implement this rule, I'm going to be sitting in the restaurant. You're going to be having your crisps and your chocolate. I'm going to be sitting with a thesaurus ordering everything on that menu honest to god you are such a wanker oh i'm really enjoying this pinot grigio by the way no no it's wine so it's always good when we get an email like this.

I always read it if it says this. Don't start lying and putting it on the emails. I shouldn't have said that, but anyway. Please keep this anonymous. Then just we'll please again. Then just we'll please again. Oh, what? And just actually signed it off, anonymous listener.

Even though our name and email address are above, but I'm never going to read them out. Before my friend and her boyfriend officially started seeing each other, he was messaging a lot of girls and on the grapevine we heard he'd slept with them too. They got together and he stopped liking the girls'

photos and deleted them off social media and so on. Now, six months in, I've noticed he is liking one particular girl's tweets and instapics again. Me and my friend spoke about this and she said that she's seen this girl's name on his lock screen as a message but he brushed it off saying that he was asking her about a job her uncle had advertised what should my friend do is liking photos

insignificant does this count as cheating if he's been with her before what do you guys think we love a bit of juice like this i've got to be honest we bloody love a bit of juice like this Does this count as cheating? If he's been with her before, what do you guys think? We love a bit of juice like this, I've got to be honest. We bloody love a bit of juice like this. Do you know what? It's just so complicated nowadays, isn't it? With relationships. Back in the day, you know, you didn't... There wasn't the option to like people's pictures and stuff like that.

Well, yeah, I imagine back in the day it was a lot more clear I could because it would be, where have you been tonight? i've been at that lass's house looking through all her photo albums giving her a thumbs up every time i like that picture that's a nice bikini looking at her and saying like can you imagine yeah it's bizarre isn't it when you think about it like that i i i don't like it like if you if you were just liking people's pictures of like random women yeah scantily clad or people who you'd i don't i don't know i'd be a bit i'd be a bit it's perturbed the right peeved i think it's probably the word i don't know know I mean surely you can restrain yourself enough

look at them you know nobody knows if you're looking at them have a little spy but don't like them it's strange isn't it it is a weird one

if he's sort of just liking all of her tweets and all of her all of her pictures like what is he trying to put a bit of groundwork in is he trying to pop himself up in that feed

well this is the thing exactly oh right okay is that what happens well no you know if his name it'll be like you know like I don't know what his name is I'm just is he trying to pop himself up in that well this is the thing exactly oh right okay is that what happens well no you know like if he's name it'll be like you know like

I don't know what his name is I'm just gonna say John it'll be like John like this John like this no I don't like that I think that's

disrespectful yeah personally especially let's not forget especially if it's a girl that he slept with in the past

so what's it oh it says here yeah oh no does it count as cheating if he's been with her in the past so what's it oh it says here yeah it says is it does it count as cheating if he's been with her in the past well it's not cheating come on let's not uh let's not get yeah click and like isn't cheating but it's not nice i'd be i'd be a bit rage but the message on the screen what about the message on the lock screen well that's shady as out personally it's

like a true crime podcast isn't it it's It's great. I think, how long have they been together? Six months? Yeah, I think so. I mean, it depends how serious they are, but I would just kind of, maybe call it a day. Wow. No, not call it a day, but clearly call them out on it.

But then again, sorry to interrupt there, but maybe call it a day, because what kind of basis, what's that after six months? If that's happening, what's going on? I never, you know when people start first going that? After six months, if that's happening, what's going on? I never under... You know when people start first going out and they're like,

in the first year, cheating on us three times, and you're like, well, that's the best bit. That is the best bit. If he's cheating on you in the best bit, then you are screwed for the rest of it because seven years in, do you know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. This is the time that I'm going to start cheating on you.

Yeah. Seven years in. That was'm going to start cheating on you Yeah Jesus Seven years in That was a joke by the way What? Oh because Because we're seven years in Because we're seven years in

Jesus Christ Rosie you could What are you doing? I'm just knocking you awake You're knocking us awake Rosie you couldn't cheat on me You haven't got the stamina Do you know what it is Chris?

I couldn't be bothered I couldn't be bothered either Could not I could not think of anything worse Hey guys What's the secret to a What's the secret to a monogamous successful relationship? Just laziness. Sheer laziness?

Can you imagine now, like, doing that again? Oh, no. I've said it before, haven't I? I think as well. It's a jungle out there. But it's the hiding it as well. It's the effort yeah hiding it and i just think oh my god it would just i'd it would drive us insane it'd be like having another job

it'd be like having another job it really would yeah couldn't be doing it so you're stuck with me rosie and chris what are each other's drunk personas do you have a name for them is that a thing that happens now when people have names for their drunk personas so when they get drunk

they call themselves a different name something like that but what would you be what would your let's make one up we haven't got one my drunk persona

probably bloke who shows off and thinks he's really funny for about three seconds and then regrets it and feels bad about it and gets neurotic about it for the rest of the night. Trevor. Trevor.

Probably Trevor. You're Trevor. Probably Trevor. You're dickhead Trevor. Dickhead Trevor. Mm-hmm. Dickhead Trevor. Thinks he's hard, cries in the toilet.

Dickhead Trevor. That's you. That's you. What's mine? What am I? So I get drunk. I get loud. I sing a lot.

You sing a lot in your dance. I don't cry. I just dance. I take my shoes off and I will cut my feet open. You tell us to stop and I'll go, shut up.

Don't tell me what to do. Tracy. Yeah, probably Tracy. Sorry anyone who's called Tracy. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Got a weird one here. I mean, they're all pretty weird, but this one's really weird.

This is from Caroline. My question is, if you were to have a fight, brackets just to clarify, physical, not an argument, who would fight the most dirty and what moves would you pull out of the bag? Well, I would really not want that to happen

because I do not, you know. It would never happen. It's hypothetical. So imagine we're both the same size, we're both the same weight, we're both the same strength. I'd get shrunk down and you'd get bigger. Absolutely not.

Very harsh. I'm going to a stag do tomorrow. I've been working out. I think you'd be, I honestly have never seen you get violent and you've never seen me get violent, obviously, with anyone or anything

and I hope that never happens. I hope I never have to ever again with anyone else or you or anyone else but I think you would be terrifying if you kicked off. Do you think? I don't know why.

You've just got a bit, just something in you. I think you'd just be rank. Now and then when you shout at Robin, when Robin's like, if he really pushes his button, pushes the buttons and really pushes his look,

if you properly have to lose your temper with him I get frightened I get scared and I'm like I wouldn't let that happen to me I've got like an inner beast

my mum's told us about this before apparently when I was four right apparently I was kicking off having a tantrum

and my mum was like and I was really placid but then all of a sudden like I just let it build up and apparently I went upstairs and I smashed my mom's stool to bits. The makeup stool, I swear. Wow. Four-year-old.

I went upstairs and literally smashed it to bits. Like, I proper, my mom said it was just wrecked. I never knew this. Did you not know that? Bloody hell. Honest to God. Wow. Just wrecked I never knew this did you not know that bloody hell honest to god wow just wrecked

like just like smashed it off the floor it was in bits and my mum came up and she was like what the hell bloody hell Hulk smash

Hulk smash Hulk smash so I just like I don't know I was right then I was right oh you're totally right god

is that why she's cute but a psycho a little bit psycho is that why you've got a new stool every week like yeah right

question here as always happens every couple of weeks I've got to put in a monkey question alert monkey sexy or monkey monkey monkey it's a monkey question alert it Monkey sexy or monkey? Monkey, monkey. It's a monkey question alert.

It's a bodily function question alert. Oh, for God's sake. No, come on. We've got to give the people what they want. It's a bodily function question alert. We get so many questions about poo. So many. And burps and shit.

I was like, why? Hey, look, we've set the bar low. Now. We really have. It says. I mean, I love it. This is from Kev, and it says, a question, dot, dot, dot, sorry. So he knows he's in the wrong anyway.

Okay. Recently went on holiday with my wife and her sister and found something out that has blown my mind. I have no idea how we got onto this topic of conversation, and I don't either when you hear this, but it appears my sister-in-law, let's call her Diane, stands up to wipe her bum right after having a poop okay being a sitter i cannot comprehend how standing is in

any way practical or hygienic this is the best bit i carried out a poll of my wife and boys my wife and boys and we are all sinners my sister why are people doing balls why do you keep doing this why do you keep finding out something disgusting and asking everyone you know you're lunatics my sister-in-law asked her mate a sitter it turns, who in turn asked her husband, who also appears to be a stand-up. My sister-in-law wants to know if she has been doing it wrong all her life, or have I? Hope you can help, Kevin Diane. What the hell's wrong with everyone?

Who stands up? I don't stand up. I stand up. You stand up. Fully blown stand up. I stand up, yeah. No, I like... I stand up and turn around. I half sit down. I sit up. You stand up? Fully blown stand up? I stand up, yeah. No, I like... I stand up and turn around.

I half sit down. I sit down. You stand up and you turn around. Where do you turn? What are you looking at? Just all the way around, do a little twirl, a little dance.

What do you mean? This is going to get too disgusting. Do you face the toilet? I stand up and turn 180 degrees, yeah. On the brief occasion that I will because you know I jump in the shower anyway. To look at your... What?

To look at what? Why are you turning around? Look at me achievements. To look at the Bloody Listeners Choice Award that's behind the toilet. That's what I look at. No, it's gone. That's gone.

Say goodbye to that. You know, no way. I was on the Guilty the guilty feminist podcast the other day this is horrific yeah you were on the guilty feminist with all those incredible women and you didn't even once ask any of them if there was sitters or standers you wasted the whole night you wasted it i'm good as if anything if this email's taught us anything it's that when you're with anyone you know you're asking them for a sit or there. I will from now on. God damn it, Kev. You've dragged the podcast into the dirt. The only thing is,

if you're standing, right, your bum cheeks are like together. So how are you getting... Right, forget it. That's quicker. At the risk of doing an even dirtier joke, we've gone too deep into this. Literally.

I don't get it. Sitting. all the way seems to be 50-50 please don't email and tweet we're telling them we don't want to know kind of do bossy

babadoo babadoo babadoo it's time for the celebrity question of the week hi Rosie and Chris Daniel Sloss here of Netflix fame and of being a dick fame

my question for you is actually two questions the first one is is there an argument that you had with the other one that you just decided to concede or lose the argument just because you couldn't be arsed arguing with them anymore and to this day they still think they're right about the argument

and it eats you inside so what this is essentially me doing is asking you to pick over uh um you know an old wound and just you know rub vinegar and salt and lemon into it uh publicly for my amusement love you both and my second question is have you watched my show jigsaw yet and if not why not you absolute cowards Thank you very much Daniel Sloss Daniel Sloss, now first of all if you've never heard of Daniel Sloss which I'd be very surprised if you haven't by now, Daniel's a comedian standard comic and he's got two shows on Netflix

now he mentioned Jigsaw's show there which we haven't watched yet, he calls it The Breakup Show because Oh my gosh yes we need to watch this explain. so he basically has a routine in the show I don't want to give too much away but he has a routine

I've seen the routine where he says is it do you ever think about your partner and do you ever think with the person you're with would it be easier

if that person just died and if you do you probably shouldn't be with them and he highlights this whole that's just a little bit of it he highlights this whole thing and he's honestly about a thousand people have divorced maybe even more i'm sure he's on breakups and divorces i'm sure he's on over 10 000 now

so i don't want to i don't want to watch it daniel because i've got a bloody good podcast going here can i like is it is it really is it really And then to his first question. His first question. Do we have an argument that one of us just let her win? Rosie, most arguments I have with you, if you've won them, I've just let you. Oh, all right, Dickard. All right, can't wait then. Really?

No, I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. I don't know. Sometimes, you know what? Sometimes it's just easier to concede. Sometimes even, like, you can arguably be blue in the face with stuff.

And sometimes to be in a marriage, it's just, you've just got to concede it. Yeah, I agree. It's pointless just keeping things going. Yeah. Utterly pointless. But, like, I remember them in my head. Yeah. And know that I'm right.

But I'll just say to you don't worry about it it's fine I will because I'm a good person go on then name one well I can't think of anything I remember them in your head but you can't know at the time at the time at the time I look at you and I go Chris so at the time you remember them while they're happening that's not remembering that's just knowing something's happened. Okay, well then, at the time, I acknowledge them and I look at you and I say to you, Chris, let's just agree to disagree. Let's just forget about it. I'm sorry.

In my head, I go, you fucking prick. You are so wrong. You don't even know how wrong you are, but you know what? I can't be bothered. Where's the remote? I'm putting jigsaw on now. Let's end this.

And there you have it. Another end of another episode. Thank you so much for listening. We mean it from the bottom of our stone-cold hearts. After all the fighting that we've been doing this week. If you want to get in touch with us, it's shagmarinoidachina.com or on our personal social media pages.

Yeah, indeed. And thank you for listening. And if you want to vote for us on the Listener's Choice Award of the British Podcast Awards, it's britishpodcastawards.com and just type in Mowdenoid because you can't type shag because it's a naughty word and you shouldn't be listening to it. Shame on you. Slap your ears. Shagging. Bye.

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