Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 133. The Iron Curtain
Episode Date: September 10, 2021It’s been a tricky few days thanks to a temperamental curtain but the Ramsey’s are here to discuss their week, their beefs and your dirty laundry! There’s some mistaken identity, a cotton wool d...isappearance and some pregnancy advice, kind of. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Hello, you're listening to Shag Round Annoyed
with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey.
There he is.
Was that actually Chrissy or Chris, or did you not know what to do with your name there?
I thought it was a Chrissy.
Chrissy.
I haven't had a Chrissy for years.
When have you ever been called Chrissy?
Back in the day when I used to play out in the street and stuff.
Someone called you Chrissy?
Chrissy, all the kids called us Chrissy.
No, they didn't.
Chrissy Ramsey.
Yeah, they did.
I've known a lot of Chrissies in my life and I've never thought
to call them Chrissy.
Chrissy?
Why, aye?
What's wrong with that?
I mean, there's nothing
wrong with it.
I've just never known it.
How dare you?
You've got an E on the end.
Rosie.
Yeah, I know.
Chris, I'm not slagging it off.
I'm just saying
I've never known any kids
to call another Chris Chrissy.
Nine-year-old me
is crying his eyes out
so I hope you're proud of yourself.
Well, good,
you little twat.
I bet you are.
I know you were a twat when you were younger.
Do you know what the worst nickname I got was?
What?
Which was really bad.
When I first got Rollerblades,
I went to Toys R Us, rest in peace.
There are millions of something all under one roof.
It's called Toys R Us, Toys R Us, Toys R Us.
Yeah, dead now.
Is it known at all ever anyway?
No, I think it's dead.
Shit.
I think Smith's Toys strangled it and spat on its corpse.
Well.
I think that's, don't quote us directly on that,
but I'm not a businessman.
Listen, I'll have nothing said.
I don't know how finances work.
I'll have nothing bad said against Smith's.
Oh no, I love Smith's Toys.
I bloody love Smith's, but I also love Toys R Us.
But anyway.
Was it, right, is Toys R Us. But anyway. Was it, right,
is Toys R Us one of them things where,
was it,
does anyone remember going to Toys R Us as an adult
and was it as fucking massive
as I remember it being as a kid?
Because I just remember it being,
like, outrageously big.
I mean, Smiths toys is big,
but that Toys R Us,
specifically the one at the Metro Centre
in the North East,
sorry to cut out the rest of the country here,
it was ridiculous
well have you never been as an adult
I've been as an adult because it was there when
Robin was born
was it? yes because you could buy babies
because I had babies of us
you could buy babies? not actual babies
sorry girl listen
hire one baby please
yes of course
you're in the market for a baby
would you like a cry market for a baby would you
like a cry out or a quiet one running shit or solid shit no sorry i don't sell babies i sell
baby stuff well no because i i do remember this now yeah because no it was yeah it was quite big
actually fair enough i think yeah i mean you are an idiot but that's fine fair enough yeah but i
actually i do remember having a massive issue with the fact that
they called it
toys are us
because it's all toys
toys are us
and then babies are us
it does sound like
they sell babies
yeah
I bet a few people
were put off by that
I bet a few people
were caught out
do you think
yeah
come in
listen we've got the cot
we've got the prime
and everything
we've just come to
pick a baby up
well I reckon
somebody's probably
on their fourth kid
and they thought
we could have another one
we've got the spare room.
I don't want to be pregnant.
Let's just go to the shop.
Pop in for a trade-in.
Oh, swap them.
Yeah.
Swap sorrows.
Swap sees.
Listen, this is probably really inappropriate.
And we're talking about seven babies.
What isn't?
I know.
What isn't these days?
What isn't?
Listen, all I'm saying is, it was like,
you know in the Matrix when he goes in.
Oh, we're still doing it?
Yeah.
Right, okay, great.
You know when he gets plugged in and he goes like, we need guns.
And it's all white.
And then the shelves just fucking fly in and there's millions of them.
That's what Toys R Us was like.
Yeah.
I think the guys who did the Matrix got the idea of that from Toys R Us.
Absolutely not.
It's Jefferies.
Jefferies?
There was the giraffe.
I'm sure we've talked about this before.
There's millions said Jefferies.
There's millions of Jefferies. There's the giraffe. I'm sure we've talked about this before. There's millions said Jeffrey.
There's millions of Jeffries.
There's not millions of Jeffries.
There's millions said Jeffrey all under one roof was the lyrics.
Oh, right.
Because you famously don't know lyrics.
There's millions said Jeffrey all under one roof.
I mean, it's a terrible song.
You haven't even established that the giraffe's called Jeffrey.
No, we all just have to guess.
Millions of what, Jeffrey?
You can't just say there's millions.
No toys.
I'll come in here.
Yeah, but what?
No babies.
Millions of babies. it's so loud so it's said jeffrey not millions of jeffreys i mean i'm sure i'm gonna get messages going it's not that for us he was right
well why there's millions of jeffreys why is the millions of what he done cloned himself
why is the millions of jeffreys it's really dark millions of that giraffe just standing there going
all right i don don't like that.
I don't know what noise
giraffes make.
Like this.
Yeah, they do.
That's horrible.
They're very tonguey.
They're very tonguey.
What was I going to say?
I tell you what though,
when that advert used to come on
near Christmas,
fuck me.
Oh,
wet floor sign
for little Rosie.
That's inappropriate.
That's inappropriate.
I'm talking about little me.
I can say that little me was dripping, but's inappropriate. That's inappropriate. I'm talking about Little Me. I can say that Little Me
was dripping
but nobody else could.
Little Me.
Was it?
I mean, that is,
I'm so sorry.
What's the matter?
There's a magical place
we're on our way there.
Toys in the millions
all under one roof.
It's called Toys R Us.
Toys R Us.
No, it would go,
it's called.
It's not Keiji.
No, listen,
it would go,
it was,
because it would go,
it's called Toys R Us. Then the voice would go it was because it would go then the voiceover
would come in
and tell you
whatever was
of the year
no Mr Frosty
yeah it would be like
yeah there's Mr Frosty
there's Buzz Lightyear
there's something else
and then it would go
there's millions
said Geoffrey
all on the roof
it's called Toast Rose
so there you go
so look we've cleared that up
so tune in next week
for
we'll be going over
the Coca-Cola ad
to bring the freshness back
do the shaking back to bring the freshness back do the shaking back
to bring the freshness back
yeah
Mr Frosty is such fun
he makes treats for everyone
pour the ice
under his head
turn the handle
just like that
wow
I don't remember that one
fuck shite
never worked
plastic
oh you had a Mr
of course you did
Carl Hutchinson had one
he's told us about it
plastic
to crush ice
pull the other one
I know
fuck do you think this is?
You need metal.
You need knives.
Anyway.
No, I know this is intro,
but I don't care.
What was your favourite toy ever
when you were little?
Bold question, that.
Favourite toy ever.
Which one do you really remember
playing with a lot?
I was never the kid
who had one thing
that I carried around with.
You know how some kids
have a thing.
Why are you a little twat?
Sorry, you only had one thing. Is that what with. You know how some kids have to be. Why a little twat? Sorry, you only had one thing.
Is that what you're trying to...
You love to paint your childhood like fucking Oliver Twist, don't you?
Christ.
You lived in King George Road.
Your mum never stops banging on about that.
She had a massive garden and a big house.
Mate, that's the reason we had no money.
Because we lived in King George Flippin' Road.
If we downsized a little bit...
Probably rich cash poor.
Absolutely.
If we didn't live there... Oh, yeah, man. I'd haveize a little bit. Probably rich cash pool. Absolutely. If we didn't live there,
oh, yeah, man,
I'd be getting McDonald's
every other day.
Brilliant.
Anyway.
I mean, I've seen photos
of you when you were younger
and the last thing you needed
was a McDonald's every day.
Wow.
Wow.
Mrs. Hamster Cheeks.
What was your favourite toy?
Probably me action men,
I would say so.
Yeah.
But I had loads of them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I recently said to my mum and dad,
wouldn't it be great
if we still had them for Robin?
And he was like,
yeah, I took them out. So, it's upsetting. Yeah, they've all gone. my mum and dad, wouldn't it be great if we still had them for Robin? And he was like, yeah, chuck them out.
So, it's upsetting.
Yeah, they're all gone.
Military muscle men.
Brilliant.
Gone.
Military muscle men.
Military muscle men.
You could get them at the news agents at the nuke,
which was really weird.
Could you?
Yeah, yeah.
My brother had them.
Yeah, they were great.
My favourite toy was,
I had this doll that you would feed her
and it was a spoon, right?
And it had little bead things
and you put the spoon in her mouth and it would disappear. I remember it had little little bead things and you put the spoon
in her mouth
and it would disappear
I remember it
yeah pink beads
yeah I remember the advert
I think the little girls
next door had that
was it baby Annabelle
I don't know
but you would
you would basically
press it on her lip
and it would go
and it would shoot up
inside the spoon
but it looked
rosy
it looked like she'd ate it
I was like
this bane's eating
what I'm giving her
I'm the best little mum
in the world
and then I had a tiny tears doll, I think,
that you would squeeze water inside of them.
So you'd put them in a bit of water.
You'd squeeze their tummies so they're filled with water.
And then they would just piss in that and cry real, real tears.
And I like that one as well.
Do you not think it's...
I've often thought this, and I think it's massively sexist.
I mean, thankfully, it's better now.
But do you not think back in the day it was massively sexist
that I got action
men and helicopters
and military muscle
men and you got
practice for being
a man.
Yeah,
of course.
Come on.
Catch up.
Catch up,
Ramsey.
It's been like that
for years.
But annoyingly,
it is better.
Well,
it depends how
you're pairing.
We never,
and I won't with
Rafe,
I just,
I'm like,
what do you want
to play with?
And I kind of
let them choose and decide.
But I do believe that children,
and it is a sex thing,
because Robin, he would never go and pick up a doll.
He never has.
That's what we've done from the start.
We've said, look, whatever you want to play with,
you play with it.
That's why he loves his little rattle
full of ibuprofen and paracetamol,
and his chainsaw loves them.
They're his favourite toys.
Yeah, he does.
Loves that toaster in
the bath
right that's a bit
dark
guys thank you so
much for tuning in
it is episode 133
133
and without further
ado it is time for
this week's lucrative
lucrative sponsor
this week's sponsor
is and it can fuck
off
iron curtains
oh hey tell you what
oh hey
hey you know when
you go and watch a
show in a theatre
and they bring that big massive
fucking iron curtain down that says
safety curtain on the front halfway through, you know
sometimes they bring it down at the beginning
and it doesn't go up!
And you can't start your fucking tour!
Can you? I didn't know we were
going to talk about it.
Yeah, we were meant to do Edinburgh. Two shows
we were meant to do on, what day was it? Sunday?
Listen, why don't we play the jingle and we'll dig it out.
Right, okay. Here's the jingle.
Here we go.
We had a fight about the jingle, jingle.
We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle.
So this is the jingle, jingle.
We hope you like the jingle, jingle.
Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Jing jingle. Jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba.
Jingle.
Hello and welcome back to the episode where we slag off the Iron Curtains.
Of the world.
Yeah.
We also have just flagged up as well, just during the jingle there,
that we may have actually talked about Toys R Us before,
but we can't fucking remember.
I think we have, back in the day.
Cannot remember.
Different stuff though.
It's all good.
So the Iron Curtain, huge apologies
and massive thanks
to everyone who was due to come
to the Edinburgh shows
at the beginning of the Shag Maradona
tour at the weekend.
Apologies obviously
because they didn't go ahead.
It was totally out of our hands
but massive thanks for being
so fucking cool about it.
Yeah, I was expecting
a lot more
but everyone was lovely.
Do you know why though?
I know, Chris.
Right.
We've spoke about this
so we got the message
we only found out
that the show
wasn't going to go ahead
at like 3 o'clock
in the morning
well I got the message
we got a message about it
but it wasn't confirmed
yeah
thankfully we didn't read it
in the middle of the night
I wouldn't have slept
no
and it didn't get confirmed
until about 9 o'clock
in the morning
and then we put everything out
so obviously we got told
and gutted first thing.
I was like, oh, what?
Why gutted?
But then kind of like, okay.
And you know why?
Yeah.
All we've dealt with for the last 18 months
is disappointment.
Shit being cancelled, yeah.
I genuinely think that everybody
is just kind of like, we numb just numb to it we're numb to
just to just being pissed off but what's mad is we managed to circumvent all of the pandemic
bullshit because scotland still got slightly strict rules so we're still sort of masks indoors
and stuff which is fine unless you know we wouldn't have them because we've been performing
and whatever but we could at least get the shows to go ahead but apparently we were the we were due to be the first large scale
indoor thing in the whole of scotland plus the first thing in that theater for 600 days
had to get proper sign off for the government to go ahead with it nicola sturgeon and all that
went yeah go for it and then a fucking a curtain from the 1920s scarped on it, which is so bizarre.
What happened?
So the wench, one of the mechanisms...
Winch.
Winch.
Not just some...
Oh, wench.
The fucking wench who works there didn't bloody grease it up, did she?
Said, oh, you daft wench.
The winch.
The winch.
The winch.
Apparently winches it back up.
Jesus Christ.
Yeah, so...
Lovely ladies.
By the way,
if there was also due to be something spurious,
like a fucking BF festival that day,
that was also to be a big event or something.
I don't know about that.
All I know is that ours was supposed to be.
So don't be emailing us or messaging us
saying actually it wasn't the first big event.
There was a dog show at such and such.
I didn't know.
All I'm calling is off what I've been told.
It's rescheduled for the 5th of December, which'm calling is off what I've been told it's rescheduled
for the 5th of December
which do you know what
the fact that it's still this year
I'm really happy about
because I was terrified
I was like
well when are we going to do it again
I was like
right 2023
when is it going to happen again
so 5th of December
we'll be there
we really hope to see you all there
but obviously
we completely understand
it's been rescheduled
so many times
if you can't you can Yeah. If you can't,
you can't get childcare,
you can't get the time of work.
We are,
all we can do is apologise.
It was completely out of our hands
and just such,
such shitty luck.
Yeah.
I mean,
we got,
we got buzzing,
didn't we?
We were there.
We went to Edinburgh,
got a little buzzing with tits off,
really ready to go.
And so,
yeah,
anyway,
what can you do?
These things,
these things are sent to try us
we went into the
auditorium and
looked at how
beautiful it was
that was a mistake
look at all this
three tiers
three thousand seats
I was like oh my god
three and a half thousand
I think
but
Silver Linen
5th of December
Edinburgh at
Christmas time
is fucking magical
it'll be great
don't they have the
market there
the nice market
it's gonna be lush
everyone will come
stinking of bloody
breakfasts and all kinds
of whatever they call it
and
everyone
on Sunday
just went out
on the piss all day
because we got selfies
galore sent by people
in pubs
so there we go
so sorry
out of our hands
but the tour
will start on
Wednesday
this week
in Newcastle Arena.
Very excited.
Yeah, I know.
Well, I mean, they're fucking better.
Have they got an Iron Curtain?
They've got six.
No, I'm joking.
No, I know that one.
It's time for What's Your Beef?
What's Your Beef?
Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef.
Ladies first, what's your beef?
Okay, so my beef.
I don't really even know if it's with you.
I don't know how to describe this.
All right then, well, that's upsetting.
Well, it's a bit situational.
So you've got a very short attention span.
I don't know if people know that.
Yes.
I don't know if it's a comedian thing
or whether it's just a you thing.
I think it might be just a me thing.
Okay.
I mean, famously on the set of Heaven,
I was like a child
because there's a lot of...
When there's a lot of waiting around, if I've got something to to do i don't have a short attention span but when you have to
get when i've just got to sit somewhere yeah and not do anything especially a theater or a movie
set with or a film set where there's stuff to play with yeah i'm like a five year old okay so here
this this brings me on to my whole beef right okay so we went to the theater on sunday in edinburgh
because we thought you know
what we're not doing the show we might as well still rehearse the guys could do all of the tech
sort of stuff a bit more there's always there's always tittering on to do behind the scenes so
anyway we went there and it was quite a long day because with tech stuff it always takes a bit
longer nine hours yeah we were there for nine hours we're sitting there for nine hours behind
a big fucking curtain with no light by the way yeah pitch darkness so chris obviously it's it's very boring it's very tedious
um chris gets a little bit you know distracted started playing around and doing stuff and it
was at this point that i just got really embarrassed because our team big like management
team had come from london and our producer producer Robin and everyone was there and at one point
I heard them having
a very serious discussion
and they all just said
to each other
we need to hurry up
we're losing Chris
we're losing Chris
and they were really serious
about it
they were like
we're losing him
we're losing Chris
and I just looked at you
and I was like
you're my husband
you're a 35 year old man
I'm married to you
and there's other adults who are talking about
you like you like you're a child like we're losing him we're losing him he's not going to be here for
much longer right we need to wrap it up guys i was so embarrassed yes so um was it at the point
uh when did they think they were losing us was it at the point that i was climbing up the ladders
no or was it at the point where i got on the little wheelie box it was then so guys i found a little black wheelie box it was like it's like a miniature coffin with
wheels on really smooth wheels so i've discovered that in the dark you couldn't really see his line
on it it was only about a foot off the floor but i had amazing wheels on so i was hiding behind a
curtain and then sprinting and jumping on it and doing like a superman across the floor it looked
like i was flying from like two feet that's when they said guys it was great i did i did breaststroke on it
i did back crawl i did front crawl uh just good old-fashioned family fun um listen i know i'm a
bit of a prick but i'm not a diva because what my point is if i was a diva and i was going to kick
off and be nightmaid they wouldn't be able to say it out loud we're losing chris they'd have to do
it quietly because they'd be like he's going to kick off he's going to be i just get fucking
bored and start pissing about but it's's just... Just be a mature adult.
I got bored.
I can't do it.
I can't...
Nine fucking hours.
Nine hours sitting there while someone...
The lights were flashing constantly.
Bits of music were kicking in non-stop.
I heard Babadoo Ba about fucking 700 times.
I'd had my gig taken away from us.
I still had pent-up energy from Apollo on Friday.
Big love to anyone who came to Apollo, by the way.
One of the best gigs of my life.
I was just bored.
And do you know what?
They did at one point.
The moment when I got a little bit embarrassed
was the moment when Yusuf and Lee from our management team came and said,
shall we take you outside for some fresh air?
And I was so embarrassed I actually said, do you have poo bags?
Awful. Awful.
See, I've said this before.
I knew this happened
but I was never there
now I'm there
to witness it
and I think they just
look at me like
oh love
you're right
I'm like
anyway what do you
beef with me
come on
well my beef with you
great
thanks for asking
right because listen
right mine might
I might be annoying
but that's good
good clean family fun
I was providing a service there you're sitting there bored i'm i look like i'm swimming
one foot off the floor levitating through the darkness back and forward i'm bloody breaking
oh putting my life in danger to entertain all you guys you that shouldn't be the beef that
should have been a massive thank you no nobody was really watching they were all watching what's
your beef with me they were worried i was going to knock something over and break something. Now, my beef with you, this morning, this morning.
No.
How do I do this?
How do I organise this beef properly, narratively?
Yes.
Last week, I phoned the guy I know, the gas and heating engineer,
who was installing the stoves in our house.
Fires.
Yeah, changing the log burners, right?
I, last week, said,
they can start that on Monday, Rosie.
And you said, fantastic, get it done,
because it's going to be winter soon.
And I said, no problem.
Now, this morning, I got up and said,
the blokes are coming in a minute to do the log burners.
And you turned around and said, and I quote,
you don't half pick your weeks, Chris.
Yeah.
Why they're coming today?
Because you fucking greenlit it last week, Rosie.
Oh, but last week.
You maniac.
Last week was last week.
I asked you,
but these people are going to be booked in, Rosie.
I live day to day, Chris.
I don't ever know what I'm doing or how I feel.
You told me last week,
yes, get it done, get it done, get it done.
I know, but you love it, right?
Okay.
You do it all the time.
No, it was bloody,
we'd had a lie-in
because we've had
a really hectic sort of week
and then it was 9 o'clock
this morning,
I was making a coffee,
I had an eight bra on and out
and you're like,
oh, there's loads of men here
to fit the fucking fire
and I'm like,
well, great.
So how am I going to
walk past them
in the hallway
with me fucking nips
hanging out
and see through bloody...
And I just get so annoyed.
You do it all the time.
Tell us.
Tell us at half past eight.
I was asleep.
So, Rosie, there's about six men going to come round shortly.
You might want to put a bra on.
Okay.
Okay, right.
A couple of things I've got to point out to you.
That's all I want to know.
A couple of things.
There's only two men.
There's only two men.
So that's bullshit. Well, the a couple of things there's only two men there's only two men so that's bullshit
well the loud
loud
right
so that shows me
that shows me
you didn't know
how many men there were
so you've never actually seen them
so they kept themselves to themselves
I've seen two of them
so that's fair enough
so you've seen both of them
I've seen both of them
okay well we all
it falls apart
you've seen 100% of the men
and the men have probably seen
100% of me
so that's great well brings up my second part right
put some effort around the house why why the blokes why are the blokes more special than me
why do they get good treatment why am i gonna see udders hanging around
i'll have you know those are dead
have provided
absolutely nothing
for our children
shit did say
it first
you twat
it's a great word
it is isn't it
great word
babadoo babadoo
babadoo bab
it's time for
questions from the public
cues from the peeps
and the chews
with the do's
and the um
the loos
with all of the beos.
Very good.
Thank you.
Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, it's shagmarionoid at gmail.com.
Please continue to send your lovely, lovely input because we love it.
Thank you.
Also, no, like you said, did you say this last week?
If you come to the tour and you want to send one specifically.
Oh, yeah.
Put the, because I'm going through them now.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, yeah, okay. If you want, yeah. Put where you're coming. I mean, it's got to be good, though. Don't send any shite. specifically oh yeah put the because I'm going through them now oh yeah yeah oh yeah okay
if you want yeah
put where you're coming
I mean it's gotta be
it's gotta be good though
don't send any shite
oh don't say that
send good stuff
no just send whatever
and we'll decide
what's shite and what's not
oh Chris I'm not being horrible
some of them are like
oh my friend
and she went to the park
and someone said
hey you're here again
and she was so embarrassed
and I'm like
oh okay I'll stop at what point I'll stop sending them in i'm sorry i thought
that was a very good anecdote at what point was ask her took into a vagina into a vagina you'd know
you'd know it was took into a vagina chris i'm just no chris listen spitballing spitballing
um disgusting speaking of good questions okay i've got one here It's not a question I don't know why
we call it a question
They're never questions
It's been named
It's fine
It was so popular
the government stole it
during the briefings
They really did
The wankers
Public
Public
Public
Come on
Hi Chris and Rosie
Hello
Just listening to episode 131
when the lass drank out
of her hot water bottle
and it broke back
a memory
Disgusting that like
I know
I sniffed a hot water
bottle the other day
and it's vile
it's like a radiator
it's like drinking
out of a radiator
yeah they're really
awful I mean
best inventions ever
I love a hot water
bottle
scared of them
I always think
they're going to
burst I don't like
them I don't trust
them
they're really thick
I've never known
of a hot water
bottle that burst
I don't trust them
I don't trust them
I feel like the
top could come off I feel like the top could come off.
I feel like the thing,
the screw.
They're screwed in really well.
I get frightened.
Can we just talk about
how filling a water,
filling a hot water bottle
is one of the most
nervous moments of your life.
Yeah.
It's terrifying.
It is horrible.
We used to have one of them
boiler taps in our old house
and you'd turn it on
and the boiler would go
and it would fill the hot water
bottle with like steam.
Yeah.
Oh, it was horrible.
I really miss our boiler tap.
First world problem. Do you? No. Oh, a kettle because i realized i realized recently a kettle is also a big jug brilliant brilliant invention yeah that's just there it's
just there big jug big jug we fill a coffee machine up big jug yeah we fill the uh tommy
tippy tommy tippy perfect perfect prep machine big jug you're right actually
it's a big jug
it's always on hand for you
and then if you want
hot water in it
it fucking does that
as well mate
and actually yeah
our new kettle is shit hot
it doesn't take that long
to boil
starts making the noise
immediately
yeah okay then
listen take it back
just listening to episodes
when they last drank
out of a hot water bottle
a broad bracket of memory
when I was younger
I used to have a guinea pig cage
in my bedroom
and if I woke up thirsty in the night...
Fuck off.
I would drink the guinea pig's water...
That.
...rather than go to the bathroom next door for a drink.
That is fucking dreadful.
That is dreadful.
Do you know what it is, though?
That's dreadful.
It's awful, isn't it?
I feel really bad for the guinea pigs.
The guinea pigs
they're in the morning
just parched
like it's had a kebab
with garlic sauce
and a night out
looking over
at that lass
with a bottle
on the side of her bed
going yeah bitch
question
did she
take it off
and unscrew the thing
absolutely
I think that's what she's done
or did she
no
roll her ball in it
it's like a giant ballpoint pen isn't it you've got to push the ball in no I don't what she's done. Or did she... No, roll her ball in it. You know the little... It's like a giant ballpoint pen, isn't it?
You've got to push the ball in.
No, I don't think she's done it.
Brilliant invention.
Or, how lush is it watching a little animal drink out one of them bottles?
No, it is.
I'm sorry.
Perfect.
We used to have rabbits and I used to sit and watch them just drink out the bottles.
Yeah, so they just lick the thing in and the water comes out.
Yeah, it's great.
Never thought about drinking it.
I also thought they might get their little tongues caught in it.
No, they never did.
No kidding. Robin's after a hamster at the minute. Oh my God, the men brought the fucking stove in today. never thought about drinking it I also thought I'd get their little tongues caught in it no they never did no kidding
Robin's after a hamster
at the minute
oh my god
the men brought
the fucking stove in today
I haven't even told you this
why do you keep calling it a stove
it's a log burner
it's not a fucking stove
are you really irritating
us calling it a stove
a stove is like an oven
that you cook in
they're called log burners
they're not called
fucking stoves
can you stop calling them stoves?
So what's the difference?
What do you mean, what's the difference?
What makes it a stove?
They are installing domestic log burners, like fires.
Yeah.
A stove is an old-fashioned name for an oven that you put food in.
But I... Right.
But I could...
Just stop calling it a stove.
You're telling me I could make some toast on that
you probably could
but it's not
stove then
no it's not
stop
it's not a stove
you're really upsetting us with this
why have you got stove in your brain
I'm sure
I'm sure that stove's American
oh look
hey
hey I'll tell you what
oh no just stop it
you've said it a few times
and I let it slide
no you said it earlier on
and I was like
look at him right
okay
he's calling it a stove
stop it
stop it now
enough now enough no come on come on enough's enough we've all had a bit of fun it's like look at him right okay uh he's calling stove stop it stop it now enough now
you know no come on come on enough's enough we've all had a bit of fun it's not a stove
honestly twitter twitter's gonna be all over you because i guarantee you can also call it a stove
i bet you can oh i'm getting a bit cold you want the stove on yes please no i don't call this stove
what's going on oh do on? Let's get romantic.
I'll just,
I'll just,
I'll put a couple of logs on the stove.
Shut up.
It's a fire.
All right.
It's a log burner.
Slash fire.
Slash.
Have we swapped roles this week?
Okay, man.
It's just really irritating
you calling it a stove.
I don't even want to tell you
what happened anymore.
I want to know
what I'm intrigued.
The two blokes are bringing in.
So Robin went to walk
into the living room
and there's just sheets
over everything.
He was like,
he did that funny thing
where he looks
and then falls on the ground
as if he's fainted
why is he so
so dramatic
so ridiculous
so he looked
and was like
and just fell onto the deck
and I was like
oh the men are installing
the log burner
what did you call it
he went do you mean stove daddy
I went I do yeah
and they brought it in
and obviously it's heavy as hell
and they're bringing it in
on a wheel thing
and I went look these men are bringing it in and he went is heavy as hell and they're bringing it in on a wheel thing and I went look what these men are bringing in
and he went is it a hamster?
oh god
a fucking hamster
I don't know how heavy he thinks hamsters are
but two blokes were bringing it in on a trolley
is it the fattest hamster in the world?
the world's fattest hamster
no he's desperate for a hamster
and honestly
no he's not getting one
nah it's too much
them fish are causing me
all world have hurt them fish like
i'm fed up we used to have we had a hamster well i've talked about loads we had one that ate its
babies and then we had another one called rusty that actually one time fell down the back of our
dressing table i caught it by its little paw right and then it fell to the floor and my sister kate
i know you're listening to this you horrible bitch bitch. She told me that when I did that,
when I took,
I took like days off its life.
Days.
And she was like,
you have took four days
off Rusty's life.
And I cried and everything.
I was gutted.
It was so nasty.
Four days.
I remember that vividly.
So your case,
like he was going to die
on February the 24th
and now he's going to die
on February the 20th.
Yeah, it was pretty much like that.
You've took,
and you know,
you see you didn't have a sibling.
At times we could be,
we could be horrible to each other.
Yeah.
Like really,
and she was like,
you've took days of its life.
Wow.
By grabbing its leg.
Oh my,
by doing that
and then dropping him.
Days.
And I was like.
What did you do with him when he died?
Did you bury him in the garden
or did you put him on the stone
I don't remember
what we did actually
we weren't very big
on burials
and all that
oh your family
oh I don't even know
he probably went
in the kitchen bin
he probably went
if I know your family
the poor little bugger
probably literally
honestly
he probably went
in a bit of foil with half a fucking finished tuna sandwich in and into the bin.
I guarantee it.
He was very stiff.
I do remember poking him with a pencil the day he died.
God.
He was stiff as a board.
Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.
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Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah.
Dear Chris and Rosie, hope you're well.
I just heard last week's podcast about the flaccid penis in France on the nude beach.
Crikey.
Do you remember that?
No, I can't.
Don't make me then.
Wow, what a headline.
I do not remember that at all.
The flaccid penis in France on the nude beach
I mean, I hope it was flaccid
I mean, surely in public it would have been
Jesus
Who knows, anyway, this has reminded them of this story
Brilliant
So there we go
I told you I've gone back quite far
Take a back now, y'all
Take a back to the questions
My boyfriend's 70-year-old dad, named Phil, who loves to travel
had just arrived back
From a trip to Jordan
And decided to show myself
My boyfriend
And his elderly dad
Who was visiting from the care home
Some holiday snaps
Sorry
What?
70-year-old dad
Has travelled
And has his elderly dad still
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Gee whiz
I had kids young man
Craigie
So his dad might be like
90 Probably, yeah Wow Yeah Fair play yeah yeah yeah gee whiz i had kids young man crazy his dad so his dad might be like 90 probably yeah
wow yeah fair play that's just yeah i just didn't expect that okay carry on um it was a trip he
loved so much that he decided the small iphone screen would not quite cut it they had also
recently bought a huge new tv and decided to plug his phone into it so we could get a wide
screen view of petra oh no sorry i mean i'm sure you had a lovely time but you are absolutely not
coming to my house no matter who you are and putting your holiday photos on my big telly
there is literally no i'm you know what i'm not even gonna look at your phone like tell us it was
good that's about it. When my dad comes up
and tries to show me a photo on his phone,
I am instantly the most bored
I've ever been in my life.
Have you recently been around your dad
when he's got his phone on him?
Right, why?
His WhatsApp group is absolutely shocking.
Oh, it's on fire, isn't it?
Yeah.
Constantly.
Constantly going off.
Is it the golf labs?
It's his mates, yeah.
It's his mates.
Awful.
And he doesn't put it on silent,
so it's just like...
Yeah, just binging constantly.
Still got his clicks on when he types.
Fucking awful.
It's like sitting next to a 1920s secretary.
Just...
Oh, God.
My dad's the same.
My dad's social life is amazing.
And he comes around here,
and his mate will ring him,
and he'll be on the phone to his mate,
but he's getting loud,
and I'm just like,
what?
Dad, like, go out the room.
And what's your friend ringing you for?
Yeah.
Why are you ringing?
Like, you're an old man.
Wow.
What's your mate ringing you for?
Wow.
So old men aren't allowed to have their friends ring them.
You absolute bitch.
No, I'm sorry.
I just, it's like, it's like where parents have reverted back to being teenagers.
Well, that's a crack.
Well, they've got no, they've got no they've got no
responsibilities anymore so they're just what it is send each other stupid memes and that yeah
oh it's when it's when me dad gets some kind of meme off his mates and goes look at this isn't
this great and it's literally something i saw on the internet months before and i'm like i've seen
it and he's like how eddie's just sent us it and i'm like eddie didn't fucking create that and take that photo
that's that's called a meme that's just oh it doesn't fucking matter turn your clicks off you
my mom does it all the time oh my mom recently showed us a video and i didn't say it at the
time but i'll dig her out on here um and it was of two lads sick of it yeah she showed me i held
me i held me it was two lads right and of it. Yeah, she showed me it. I held my tongue. I held my tongue. It was two lads, right? And basically,
they've edited this video together
where they're chasing after each other,
but they're like in the house,
and then they go somewhere else,
and they're playing Tig,
and she's like,
isn't that amazing?
How funny.
And I'm like,
mum, that'll have took them
about three weeks to film that.
Yeah, well, she's going,
look at them,
they're just running around after each other,
isn't it hilarious?
Look how far they're taking this.
It's like, you might have seen it.
It's very impressive.
Yeah.
They're trying to play Tig,
and they're running into different rooms,
but the camera's always set up. Yeah. And then at the end, they're in the beach, they're running into the sea, and she's like, you might have seen it. It's very impressive. They're trying to play a tig and they're running into different rooms, but the camera's always set up.
And then at the end,
they're in the beach,
they're running into the sea
and she's like,
look at them running into the sea.
And I'm like,
they had to set the camera up
every time, you fucking idiot.
This is a...
It's like you're splitting the rubble.
I'm like,
mum, do you know this isn't...
Do you think Avengers is a documentary?
Like, it was made.
What the hell's about with you
yeah but I couldn't
there's nothing
there's nothing more
and you know
you feel it yourself as well
you know when you show
someone a video
and they don't think
it's great
it's fucking
it's like they've
slagged your kids off
I know yeah
it really is
it's like they've
gone your kids ugly
like you take it
really personally
so I just went
oh that's great that
and then I just you know
came out and mourned
for the fucking
four minutes
I would never get
back of my life
not just that
it's the fact that It was really long.
I'll give you this though.
Here's one for you, right?
I'm not being ageist here.
But when mums or granddads.
I'm already called me dad old.
So am I as well.
When mums or granddads or older relatives or whatever
are going to show you something on their phone,
they go, have you seen this?
And they come up to you and they put the phone up to you
before they found the fucking video.
So they go, have you seen this? Oh, where is it? it and you've got not only do you have to watch the video you've got
to stand there while they find the fucking thing are you mountains of fucking whatsapps and are
you not just automatically gutted though when it happens yeah look at this look at this i just go
ever someone tries to show me anything on their phone i'm automatically devastated i'm automatically
absolutely devastated and i know that's so bad but i'm like no like no he's seen this i i've
seen it do you know what it is no i guarantee i've seen it or i don't want to see it oh absolutely
got it and i wonder why i've got no mates no i do i mean you have which always surprises me
three so sorry back to this. Yeah.
Apologies.
So, Big Telly.
So, Mr. fucking me, me, me, me, me has put his phone onto the Big Telly
to show everyone his fucking holiday photos.
I'm sorry, the prick.
Carry on.
No, I've had enough.
Fuck him.
Fuck him, man.
Stop it.
It hasn't even got that far.
You don't know that.
All he's done is go on holiday
and he's shown them the picture.
He's got the bloody Orcs cable man
and plugged it into the big telly man
like he's blimmin' been to the moon.
Fucking arsehole.
I hate him.
It also says,
I should mention that my boyfriend
happened to leave the room at this moment.
Probably because he hates holiday photos
as much as Chris.
Yeah.
As Phil plugged his laptop
into their crisp 4K TV,
I was hit with the sight of around 12 thumbnail photos of his balls.
Oh my God.
Trying not to make him embarrassed,
I grabbed my phone and started to scroll Instagram pretending I didn't see,
while he shouted,
Don't look a minute!
So he's funny.
It serves you right for getting your
and you've just said
laptop as well
it's not even his phone
he's coming
he's got his laptop
he's done it from his laptop
to the
cameras
he's put his photos
onto the laptop
then he's brought his laptop
around
he's plugging the lead in
and yeah you know what
it serves you right
your bollocks are up there
for all to see
4k
he's saying don't look a minute
all while his 98 year old dad
yeah
poor bastard,
sat looking blankly at the screen.
He obviously couldn't believe his eyes either.
After some struggle in seeing the photos enlarge
in and out of full screen out of the corner of my eye,
all whilst I tried to act distracted
chatting about things on Instagram.
Ooh, my friend Becky just had a baby, etc, etc.
Why is he on a
slideshow of his
bollocks?
Why is there a
slideshow of his
bollocks accessible
on his laptop?
Well,
you'll find out.
Finally,
he managed to
open up his
photos of Jordan.
Thank God.
Eventually,
it was just a
bloke called
Jordan's photos
of his balls.
These are my balls.
These are Jordan's
balls.
These are Terry's
balls.
Eventually, my boyfriend came
back in to join us whilst we looked
through the holiday pics. The whole time
in a slight daze at what had just happened.
Eventually Phil closed
the holiday album where again
the 12 thumbnail sized photos
of his balls
sat covering the screen.
My boyfriend shouted, Dad what the fuck?
The same
enlarged,
minimalised panic
happened again
until finally
he pulled out
the lead at the mains.
I've hurt me back.
I just like,
like threw me head back
laughing there
and I've pulled him
and he's not
summing me back.
Are you okay?
I'm sort of okay.
Are you alright?
I've actually really hurt myself. Oh don't Chris, no have you actually okay I'm sort of okay are you alright I've actually really
oh don't Chris
no have you actually
I'm alright I'm alright
it might be trap wind
oh for god's sake
don't pull a muscle
we need to know
the whole world needs to know
why this man has got
it turns out
he had been taking photos
to send to his doctor
thank god for that
but all is well
I assumed that
yeah
oh my god
oh
I just love that
oh don't
oh hang on don't. Oh, hang on.
Don't look at it.
Oh, you did that, by the way.
I mean, you spoke about that.
You did.
You took photos of your ball.
No, you took,
you took photos of Rafe's rash
for the doctor on my phone
because it must have been on,
you must have been on the phone
and the doctor said,
and I didn't know.
I was on the train
looking through my photos
and baby balls popped up
on my phone.
That was fun.
That was 30 seconds of panic.
Just thought,
because you're missing the pains,
you should miss all of the pains. But I was sat right next to the bit where they make the tea and coffee
so they're standing up behind us and i had to like literally push it towards the window i was like
what the hell everyone's got dodgy photos of the kids bits on their phone you have now because you
gotta send them to the doctor yeah righty oh man it's just 12 thumbnails of his balls wonderful
hi ramses i never heard the lady equivalent of a hard-on being called a Oh, man, it's just 12 thumbnails of his balls. Wonderful. That's lovely. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.
Hi, Ramses.
I never heard the lady equivalent of a hard-on
being called a wide-on until the podcast.
Just a little sample of the education
we're bringing to the nation there.
Just anything else you want to know,
shabbymynordyjima.com, you know.
Drop us a line.
So, eternal thanks for the lingo.
You're welcome.
Eternal thanks.
You are more than welcome.
Last year, I started playing cricket for my local ladies team.
However, leading to our match debrief yesterday
when one of the older team members described herself repeatedly
as getting a wide and I had to keep a straight face.
Hi, Rosie and Chris
I work at the dentist
And a patient once swallowed
A cotton wool roll hole
What?
A cotton wool roll hole
What's a cotton wool roll?
So you know when they put them
Above your teeth
I've never had anything done
At the dentist
Oh
Just throwing that out there
When you go to the dentist
They put like cotton wool in
To kind of soak up the stuff
right
saliva
yeah saliva sorry
stuff
the juice
he spunks in your mouth
and then he puts cotton wool in
to soak up the spunk
oh stop
okay
so a patient
has swallowed one whole
like a Marlon Brando
they put it in
yes
come to me on the day
of my daughter's wedding
you asked me to do minor.
And then I cannot do.
Yeah, okay.
Push me in a
pulling bag game.
Different actor.
Al Pacino says that
in number three.
God, you make me
fool yourself.
What a fool of you.
You are honestly,
I'm embarrassed.
But that might be because
Is it the same film though?
It's Godfather 3
says that.
But I've never let you
watch Godfather 3
because it doesn't exist
in my opinion.
Oh, because it's shite.
Cock-a-poo.
So why do I know?
I know that from The Sopranos.
Yeah.
Paul Euston.
Anyway, listen.
The dentist.
Silvio Dante used to do that.
You just keep getting stuff wrong
and I can't leave it.
Who's Paul Euston?
Paul Euston is a different character.
Silvio Dante was the one
who did all of the Godfather impressions.
Stop talking
because all it's going to be is me correcting you for stuff because you had me earlier on with stove
so if you think i'm letting you slip on anything you're honestly it's like a fascist regime up in
here for me now i'm all over you like a fucking sleeping bag come on stove what kind of name
oh no that's our bridesmaid steve i've never seen bridesmaids you're fucking dead to me the dentist was
looking for it
and he said
oh sorry
I swallowed it
just
cotton wool
just swallowed it
yeah
we couldn't understand
how he managed it
me and the other
dental nurses
were tested out
to see if we could
none of us managed it
so they all tried
to swallow
the cotton
wool
balls
how did it come out?
Clever though.
You swallow cotton wool, it wipes your bum on the way out.
Well, yeah.
Clever.
Wow.
Clever.
Maybe that's what we should all be doing.
Let's just say now that we do not encourage that at all,
because I can't be bothered with a lawsuit.
Cotton-headed ninny muggins.
Cotton-headed ninny muggins.
Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.
Dear Chris and Rosie, brackets, especially Rosie.
I mean, is there any need for that?
No, no, because it's more, oh, excuse me?
It's because it's about pregnancy.
Oh, okay, sorry.
Dear Chris and Rosie, brackets, especially Rosie.
I recently found out that I am four weeks pregnant.
Congratulations.
And as it's summer and everything is coming out of lockdown,
sorry, this was a little while ago.
I need an excuse. I'm usually
the life and soul of the party
and I have weddings, barbecues and birthdays
galore coming soon. What was
Rosie's cover up for not drinking?
We just used to tell
everyone that you had
because they were used to it, that you had chlamydia
again and you weren't on antibiotics.
No we...
Wow. Imagine being really open about though I'm used to it, that you had chlamydia again and you were on antibiotics. No, we... Did you tell people that?
Oh, no.
Imagine that.
Wow.
Imagine being really open
about chlamydia again,
antibiotics.
Yeah.
We didn't see anyone.
I can't remember
what we did with Robin,
but we didn't see anyone
during the week.
I think I definitely used
an antibiotic trick
a couple of times.
Yeah.
Maybe just like
trying to be good,
trying to lose weight
type thing
nowadays though
I'm not being funny
you could get away with it
by just
having non-alcoholic stuff
and putting it in a glass
and then no one's gonna ask
depends on it
sometimes
like my mates sometimes
and you go on a night out
with them
they're militant
in making sure
you're getting your drinks down
like a parent
making sure you're getting
your fluids on holiday
yeah
our friendship group
you finish that one
we'll finish it all before you have the next one longer top like crying their eyes out and freaking out and
my my mates are like that and uh because we don't go out that often yeah if we go out and you go oh
i'm not drinking it's like what yeah sorry what it's bizarre and then and then like and i've done
it as well i take like personal offense yeah i'm like
you're not drinking well why why are you here why have you come isn't that bad that's bad that is
bad i know a lot of people you're not drinking but it's the 20th anniversary of the day i learned to
join up writing come on it's a special occasion i know a lot of people at the minute who've packed
in drinking i'm not surprised with 18 months apart well I think yeah I think everyone went a little bit crazy
recently
and to be honest
I think it's good
to have a little bit
time off
yeah
because just
I know I was pregnant
but having those
nine months off
alcohol
yeah
with Rafe recently
has actually
made me cut down
drinking
we don't drink half
as much as we used to
I only have a couple
a day and then I'm done
well I mean
a couple a day that's not great a couple a day and then I'm done I don't drink a couple a have a couple of days and then I'm done well I mean couple of days
that's not great
couple of days and then I'm done
I don't drink a couple of days
I genuinely
can go like three or four days
without a drink now
which is good
good for me
so I think it is good
to tone it back
every now and again
well done
but as far as excuses
I don't know
just say no I'm not drinking
and then if they say why not
say excuse me
nosy bitch
keep your you'll lose a lot of friends
yeah your baby shower's going to be sparse
call everyone who asks a nosy bitch
it's going to be a baby shower
no I'm not
no you've been really really really a brazier
for the past few months
I mean it makes sense now
but still the damage is done
babadoo babadoo babadoo
hi guys
hi guys
hi guys
huge fan of the podcast
and ticker holder for your tour.
That has given me something
to very much look forward to.
Hope it wasn't Edinburgh.
Hope it wasn't Edinburgh.
Thank you very much.
Hopefully there'll be no iron curtains.
Is there any more iron curtains
at any of the venues?
I depends on the venue.
Manchester Opera House
will definitely have one.
I've got a funny feeling
there's going to be a lot of
iron curtain based emails sent by our manager. I so i think so yes yes yes um hello just after i
had taken my gcses i went on holiday to kefalonia with my parents and my boyfriend of about a year
okay i can only describe him as having the looks and personality of simon from the in betweeners
but the charisma of jay Got you. Okay. Never
have I heard someone I've never heard of
or known. You know what they're like
now, don't you? They look like Simon, but
they act like Jay. Looks like Simon, acts like Jay.
Great. Yeah. My parents were
really not sure about him coming away with us,
but couldn't decide what would be worse,
the idea of a lovesick, moaning teenager
or bringing this annoying lad away with them.
Wow. Yeah.
Yeah, that is irritating.
I'm dreading that part of our life.
No children who aren't ours are coming on holiday with us, ever.
No, wait.
That's a rule.
That's absolutely a given.
Nephews and family and that.
Still no.
Still a hard no.
Hard no from me.
I can't back down on it.
It's a hard no from me.
It's just a policy. I'm sorry, it's a Ramsey policy. I can't go back on it. Kate and Kevin, if you're listening now. Hard no from me. I can't back down on it. It's a hard no from me. It's just a policy.
I'm sorry, it's a Ramsey policy.
I can't go back on it.
Kate and Kevin, if you're listening now.
Hard no from me.
Hate your kids.
Hard no.
And you.
Hard no from me.
Stop it.
How dare you.
I'm joking.
How dare you.
But it's still a hard no.
Carry on.
No, it's not.
How dare you.
Hard no from me.
Stop it.
We're going to have a fight.
Okay.
Before we went, my mum and I had bought a cheap purple bikini from a supermarket and had the same color but in different sizes my mum promised to not wear
the same color on the same day as me okay awful by the way but that's fine actually no maybe oh god
maybe mom have got the same t-shirt okay that's is this is this awful or nice? So my mum bought a t-shirt for herself
and then bought me the exact same for my birthday.
That sounds like your mum's crack.
Is that weird?
That's the kind of thing your mum would do.
It's a lovely t-shirt.
I wore it the other day.
We spoke about it before.
Your mum bought me a tray once to put meat on for Christmas.
We spoke about this before, haven't we?
It was a tray with the little spikes on
so the meat doesn't move.
Why did she buy you that?
She bought it.
I opened it. I went, what's this?
She went, it's for when you're cooking for meat.
I went, alright. She went past it here and then she went and did the dinner with it.
She might as well have gone,
and I've got you some carrots
and I've got you some stuffing.
I'll have them right now
I was like
why do you get us this?
you're all shite at buying this
everyone's terrible
I totally forgot about the meat tray
why did she buy you the meat tray?
I don't know
I thought we'd mention it on here
she bought us the meat tray
she buys us like cooking utensils
and I don't use them
and the next thing I see
she's using them like
minutes after I've opened them
like I open them
and she takes them
out of me hands
and then
and then washes them
starts to cook with them
which is
I mean great
I'm getting stuff cooked for us
which is always good
but you know
it's not a birthday gift is it
I mean you're shite as well
you bought us that fan
honestly
then again
you're getting no doubt of me
I'd rather not
then again
still in the box
then again
you actually did buy
his really good bike gear
you did buy
I know I did
you're so ungrateful
you are so ungrateful
I was on
guys
I was on a bike ride
the other day
when Rosie
and the rest of the family
had a sickness bug
you all had diarrhea
and sickness
and I was staying away
from you
because I had the Apollo
from your stand up
and I went out
on my bike
to stay away from you and you bought us padded shorts so your bum's comfortable on the seat little did i
know i farted while on my bike thought i chapped myself awful because you're all you've all got
the shit so i thought and it felt weird and i was like i've shot myself so i had to find like
couldn't be laying where i'd go and i like took my pants off and i was like looking for like shit
in me kegs that's awful turns out the foam just holds your pump and heats your bum up. Wow.
Horrible sense. So does it feel like
a chaser? Mark me.
Mark me. Mark me.
Mark my words. I will never fart in those
shorts again. Terrifying.
Terrifying.
Good Will, I'm glad. I'm glad. So there you go.
So they've got the same bikini in different
colours. Okay. And they bought it from a cheap
one from a supermarket which is it. They're sometimes different colours. Okay. And they bought a cheap one from a supermarket, which is it?
They're sometimes really good.
Yeah.
Some of my favourite.
I've got two t-shirts that I bought from Sainsbury's while I think I was on tour.
Two of my favourite t-shirts.
Love them.
One day, we were going on an excursion on a boat that was leaving ridiculously early.
In order to make sure we didn't miss the trip, we met in my parents' room to get ready.
I was wearing my purple bikini.
My mum insisted that we
both put a higher factor sun cream on before we left i stripped my bikini and start creaming up
and my boyfriend strips his t-shirt off jumps on the bed with his head at the foot of the bed
laying on his stomach ready for me to do his back jesus all right mate were you at the spa my mum
is in the bathroom and my dad is on the balcony. I give my boyfriend a relaxing massage while applying his sun cream on his back
and then I sit next to him and do my legs ready to go.
My boyfriend has his arms bent up over his face
and has his face facing the other way to me.
I get up and carry on getting ready and my mum comes out of the bathroom
and sits right where I was just sat.
Oh, bollocks.
On the end of the bed, next to my boyfriend's head with him facing the other way still. So, bollocks.
So he's facing down.
What do you think happened?
Oh.
This could have been a mystery, sorry.
It could have been, but this is nice.
So, did he... Right.
They're on holiday together and they're in the mum and dad's room,
so he's not like...
He's not like holding his hands down a bikini or anything, has he?
He hasn't gone that far.
No, should I tell you?
Has he just grabbed her? Has he groped her?
The answer is that my mum was wearing the same purple bikini as me that day.
Oh, shit.
And as she sat down, my boyfriend turned his head the other way,
saw what he thought was my bum,
and proceeded to give her bum a playful bite.
That's worse.
He's bitten her off.
He's bitten his mum's ass.
He's bitten his mum's ass.
This is nice, though.
Fast forward eight years,
and my dad proceeded to tell
all our guests this story
at our wedding.
That's amazing.
At the wedding for them too?
Yeah.
Oh, that's good.
To our new husband.
Imagine.
I'd tell that.
I don't care who you're marrying.
That's gold.
That's comedy gold.
That's staying in the repertoire.
I'm not losing that from me set list
just because you married someone else.
You poor bag.
Yeah.
So he bit his mother-in-law's arse
can you imagine
it would be awful
that like
that's great
hell of a story
at the wedding that
well played
love it
love it
you've been listening
to this week's episode
of Shave Married Annoyed
which is now part of
the ACAST Creative Network
oh wow
someone's got big for the boots
because you normally say
thank you for listening
but you didn't even thank them
they just said
you've been listening
taking our listener for granted
are you
yeah
guys
I will thank
no no
thank you
rude no no
they don't want your pity thanks
right
thank you
for listening to Shag Married Annoyed
he doesn't give a shit about you
like I hope you know that
he couldn't give a shit
he slags you off
every opportunity that you get
he always says
oh what a dick is that listener?
Oh, that listener, what a belly.
Specific.
Not even a group of them.
Not even a group of them.
Just specific ones.
All the time.
Great, okay then.
And as you know,
if you see me at the Apollo,
you will know that I slag Rosie off.
And if you want to hear me slag Rosie off on tour,
take us on my tour.
I've heard that you slag me off a lot, actually.
Oh, big time.
Just do it.
Yeah, keep my name out of your mouth sunshine
my tour is about
an hour and ten minutes long
my tour show
on the night Rosie comes
it'll be a cheeky
half hour
because I'll have to
cut out loads of stuff
that'll get us in bother
right
tickets for my tour
are on sale
not many
just the odd few venues
and December
for the podcast
arena tour
is on sale now as well
and the paperback
of the book's out
and we'll see you all later.
We love you.
Bye.
Bye.
Do, do, do, do, do, do.
Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none.
Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th,
when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre
in Hamilton at 7.30pm.
You can also lock in your playoff pack right now
to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game
and you'll only pay as we play.
Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City
at torontorock.com.