Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 14. A pre-marriage thing?
Episode Date: May 17, 2019In this week’s podcast Chris and Rosie cover a variety of topics including swear words, women drivers (!) and how they feel about using each other’s phones. As well as this there is some weekly be...ef and a celebrity question from Podcast royalty Giovanna Fletcher. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Hello, you're listening to Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey,
who has just been nominated for Celebrity Dad of the Year.
Even though he's not actually Robin's dad.
Oh!
That's, I mean, if I wasn't, that's a heck of a way to break it.
Goodness me.
Imagine we just broke it and went,
so there's no episode 14
I'm totally kidding
Yeah
But I'm not a good dad
Can we say that?
I don't know
Who knows
Oh well
All in jest
Guys thank you very much for listening
This is episode 14
Hope you're looking forward to it
We are
And before we start
A word
From this week's sponsor
This week's valued sponsor Oh, jeez.
This week's valued sponsor is...
Valued.
Sitting Down.
Hey.
That's not a product.
Hey.
None of them are being product.
Hey.
Are you tired of standing up?
Oh, God.
But don't want to lie down?
Have a little sit down.
It's halfway in between.
Sitting down.
Are you a little bit out of breath?
Have a sit down.
Have you just received
some shocking news?
Have a little sit down.
You want to enjoy a coffee
or a cup of tea
or some kind of other beverage?
Don't drink it standing up.
Have a little sit down.
Made songs about it, you know.
Hey, guess what?
You might already be doing.
You might already be sitting down.
You might not even know it yet.
You know when you go for a poo?
You're sitting down.
Everyone's doing it. Get on board. Why do you have to bring poo a poo? You're sitting down Everyone's doing it
Why?
Get on board
Why do you have to bring poo into it?
You did
I did not
Yeah, it was in your eyes
Here's the jingle
We had a fight about the jingle
Jingle
We couldn't settle on a jingle
Jingle
So this is the jingle, jingle.
We hope you like the jingle, jingle.
Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah!
Jingle!
Hello and welcome to our podcast, Shagmar and Annoyed.
This is episode 14.
14.
Lovely to have you back.
14, yes everyone.
Thank you for coming back if you have.
If this is the first one you listen to, why not go back?
Because there's a narrative.
There's a through thread.
There is actually.
Haven't we done well?
Yeah, but there's not.
I was kind of being sarcastic.
It's not like Game of Thrones.
It's okay.
I mean, go back if you want because you missed some cracking stuff,
but it's not like you're not going to know who any of the characters are.
No, I'm not.
I'm Chris.
Yeah, you're fine.
You're fine. Just carry on listening. Hello. no not yeah i'm chris yeah you're fine you're fine just carry on listening hello hello and i'm chris and you're
caught up can you believe we've done 14 already i feel like we start every episode going can you
believe it's this one it's like people are listening going can you fuck us count like yes
guess what last one was 13 this one's 14 move on
yeah but a week
passes in our lives
it doesn't really
sometimes it's more
and a week
sometimes it's less
it's really strange
isn't it
it's all over the place
it's just a mess
yeah
we're recording
of an evening now
Robin's in bed
I just had a little bath
sent him to bed
it's all good
well because we were
doing it at like
10 o'clock in the morning
and it was just a bit intense
wasn't it
it was like doing a gig
it was like doing it
yeah
sometimes when I used to do
Edinburgh Fringe
they would go like oh you're coming to the comedy cabaret will you do a spot on the comedy cabaret And it was just a bit intense, wasn't it? It was like doing a gig. It was like doing a... Yeah. Sometimes when I used to do Edinburgh Fringe,
they would go like,
oh, you're coming to the Comedy Cabaret?
Will you do a spot on the Comedy Cabaret?
It's, you know, 100 quid or whatever.
All right, great.
They go, when is it?
It's 11 in the morning.
That's not worth a million quid.
No, I know. It's the Edinburgh Festival.
I'll be hanging on my bum.
Literally.
Yeah, so we decided to start doing it of an evening,
which is lovely, With a glass of wine
Cheers
Cheers
Cheers
Cheers
What you been up to then
Mate
I went on stag do
You did go on a stag do
I did go on a stag do
Came back in one piece
Yeah
I had an early night
On the last night of the stag do
I could not believe that
You know
What time
It was about half ten
And we spoke to each other
I was just
going to bed and you were like i'm going to bed i was like what i was in bed i was all tucked up
i'd had i'd had beers during the day and then i had myself a horrifically big pizza like crazy
big pizza and i was like well it's betty pops now this is it so i just please don't ever say
that ever again betty pops um yeah so i just um, yeah, I was rock and roll at Stag Do.
It's the first time I've been in an airport after Stag Do
and not felt like death.
Well, you've got responsibilities now.
Yeah.
Your Stag Do, we didn't have Robin.
Oh, yeah.
So it was just hell for leather.
My Stag Do, I came back and it was, oh, my goodness me.
It was like coming back from some kind of tour
of the beers of the world.
Some kind of smash your liver to pieces tour.
And I don't say that in a lads, lads, lads way.
I say that in a,
I will never do that much again in my whole life.
I'll never forget,
I woke up after the first day
and I turned to my mate and I went,
I'm never drinking again.
And he went, me neither.
And then 10 minutes later,
someone handed me a pint and then that was that.
I know.
All I ate was cheese toasties.
Your dad was amazing. My dad still talks talks about it it's like his best time
in his whole life we all we ate was cheese toasties right genuinely on my this is on my
stag do in 2015 we ate 2014 2014 cheese toasties all day every day that's all we did we didn't go
for meals we just drank and sat on the pool cheese toastie cheese toast cheese toastie on the way
back i was hanging and i was in the airport and i went to subway and i was like i'm gonna get like
a ham a brown bread ham and like all of the vegetables the guy asked us if i wanted cheese
and toasted i nearly jumped over the counter and smacked him i was like no i don't manage cheese
you bastard what you been up to?
Nothing, really.
I've been getting into gardening recently.
I know.
Gardens look lovely, can I say.
Oh, thank you so much.
It's very, very nice.
I'm really enjoying it.
It's really therapeutic.
Costs an absolute bloody fortune.
Madness.
Like, we went to a garden centre two days in a row last week when I got back from the stag do.
I spent more on those two days in the garden when i got back from the stag do i spent
more on those two days in the garden center than i did on the stag do no word of a lie it's
ridiculous you've got the count you've got like a few hanging baskets you go to the counter and
they're like that's 150 pounds and you just think what these are gonna die honestly garden centers
are the greatest they sell kids books toys hoses i love hoses. Yeah. Sheds, spas, blooming, what do you call them?
Hot tubs.
Hot tubs and that.
All kinds.
Loads of stuff.
Restaurant, toilets.
Hey, I think I can feel next week's sponsors coming up.
I love that.
Which one?
It was Dobby's in Berkeley that we went to the other day.
It was bloody lovely.
It was lovely.
Other than that, I haven't really been doing anything.
We've decided to get Rob and Baby sat more
during the week,
which is amazing.
Yeah, so we can do some work.
Well, it was just like,
it was getting to a point where
we were kind of just trying to do work stuff.
I do like them comma things with your finger
because I don't know what my job is.
She's doing air quotes on a podcast.
She definitely doesn't know what her job is.
She doesn't realise this is a podcast.
She's doing air quotes
is nobody watching us?
where's the camera?
why did I put all this makeup on?
let's not be silly I'm in the drama
she didn't know
it's horrifying
no but we've decided to get a baby
shut your face
I can't believe I got away with that
I didn't
I mean I wasn't listening at first
but then I clicked on
lovely
so we've decided to get a baby
and it's just liberating
I should have
done this years ago yeah i've had that little shit every day sick in my life he loves it though
he loves seeing other people but then we'll still see him on a night we'll see him on a morning like
a lot he comes about four o'clock we've gone for a few hours before he goes to bed great then them
hours become so precious whereas normally i'm counting down the i'm counting down the hours
till bed that's because our jobs are weird. There's no switch off.
Like, I've been writing all day at a day in the office
and then doing this on the night.
But then there's no switch off.
There's like, you'll be on your phone on a morning
and then you've got to mess around at night.
Don't worry, don't get us wrong.
I've got the best job I think I could ever possibly get.
Yeah, same.
But there's no off.
No, there's not.
I'm done now.
I'm still on.
But we need to start doing that now.
We need to do it during the day and then switch off.
Got you.
She says, yeah.
So there's our admin
I
little
little Crystal Ramsey
from South Shields
have been nominated
for
Celebrity Dad of the Year
I was going to mention that
Celebrity Dad of the Year
I couldn't even say it
I'm that excited
see in the line up
it's
mate it's bloody marvellous
can't believe it
I mean I'm shocked
personally
not going to lie.
When you said I was like,
smiling on the outside,
inside I was like,
foaming.
But you came second though,
so I have to win to beat you.
I have to win.
I mean, listen,
I want you to win for the team.
We're a team, you know?
Yeah.
I want you to win for the Ramses.
For the Ramses.
You might be in with a good chance.
I need bragging rights in this house is what I need.
Yeah.
So we've got Danny Dyer, we've got Prince William,
we've got Jeff Brazier,
who I saw that thing we were watching on Channel 4
where he was talking about sex education with his kid.
Oh yeah, he's great.
He's got two little boys, isn't he?
What a wonderful relationship he's got with his son.
I'm talking myself out of it here,
but I watched and I was like,
I hope me and my son
have a relationship like that
when we're all...
You will.
Get lush together.
Listen.
That's the aim for.
I'm not going to say this again,
so take it in now.
Good job of recording it.
I'll just put it on repeat.
Well, there you go.
Okay.
You're a wonderful dad.
Aw.
And I think you deserve it.
As if you'd never say that again.
Never.
Ever.
As if that's a one time thing ever
again
in fact
let me just go and vomit
babadoo babadoo babadoo
what's your beef
what's your beef
what's your beef
beef beef beef beef
everybody knew what beef curtains were
so I'm buzzing with that
that was mad wasn't it
there was not one person going
what is that
because that would have been an awkward tweet
I would have enjoyed having to tweet someone
to tell them what that was
tell them what beef curtains is yeah them what Beef Curtain says now.
Yeah, but everyone got it.
Everyone knew.
Scratch your mind as we speak.
That is unnecessary.
I wasn't really.
Oh, let's see.
What's Beef?
You go first.
Ladies first.
Are you sure?
Do you not want to go first?
No, I go.
Okay.
Beef this week.
This week's Beef.
It's about the car, Chris.
It's about the car, Chris. It's about the car chris it's about the car it's about the car
uh chris has got a new car and chris's new car is ruling his life you know how you buy something
and you're meant to own that thing that car owns you that car you are that car's bitch
right and personally i'm sick of it i'm sick of having to watch you clean
it all the time i'm sick of you i'm sick of you like what's that word when you what's that when
you make someone come look at something she's waving her hand frantically what's it called
like beckoning you hate it when you're beckoners to the window to look at your stupid fucking car clean.
I hate it when now that me and Robin
get in the car
you're constant
I got you on Instagram
licking your thumb
and cleaning the seats.
Did you?
You won't let Robin
eat in there.
I didn't see that.
You got us on Instagram
doing that.
I've got it on Instagram.
Do you remember
Nanan?
Nanan give Robin
a little milky
a milky ice lolly
before we left.
You'd have let him
eat that in my car.
Wasn't allowed to eat it in your car.
We had to wait until he ate it.
It was ridiculous.
We all stood in the porch waiting for Robin to finish his poor ice lolly
because Christopher wouldn't let him get in the car.
Right, okay.
You know what?
I'll take that on board and I'm sorry.
And the shine is gone from the car
and I don't really like the car that much anymore
because yesterday our turd of a child
scratched the shit out of the bonnet
while I was waiting to take him to the nursery,
and it's weird.
The shine's kind of gone off it.
Has it really?
Because I cleaned it yesterday, right,
after we'd done it, just to get all the dirt off it,
and then I kind of, when I normally wax it like a loser,
I really just gave it a really quick going over.
I was like, no no i was not that
bothered like i don't know it's if the shine is starting to go when i you know what i'm like man
when i get a new thing i'm buzzing when i first got robin i was amazed not protecting me that now
i just like throw them really about really throw them down the stairs kick them no i yeah uh i've
never had a let things on you i've never had a really nice car you let things own you I've never had a really nice car
listen
anyone listening
don't give me that shit
you've had loads of nice cars
we rented them
this is mine
I've never had a really nice car
like a me
did you buy
did you buy that
yes
you only buy it
well no
I'm paying
but you know
it's not a rental car
they're not going to take it off us
in six months
like they normally do
alright okay
I didn't know that
you didn't tell me that
it's my car I've got it for four years I've the four years on that you've got to have a four years
yeah so we've got to live in this hell for four years now he scratched it now so i'm not that
no when i saw the scratches and i was like i might just scrap this it's done oh shut up
just stop right okay i know it's it's lovely it's a nice car okay I've never been a car guy
it's really weird
like you've never been a gardener
but you're a gardener now
and I'm a car guy now
oh god
what have we become
yeah
old mate
that's what we've become
old as fuck
oh I've just hurt my neck
by laughing
oh god
there we go
point proven
literally falling apart
what okay I'll try and not be as weird with the car point proven literally falling apart what
okay
I'll try and not be
as weird with the car
my beef with you is
it's a long going beef
you are
genuinely
and I know some
I know some great singers
right
you are one of the greatest singers I know
your voice is beautiful
I love it
thank you
love your voice
you're a brilliant singer
you're always singing it's lush you know the lyrics to no fucking song
ever in the world ever even the stuff you performed when you used to sing live all the time
you don't know the lyrics and i don't know how it's possible i don't know how it's possible
not know the lyrics to anything say the main word and just your way through the rest of it
make a noise that sounds a bit like the thing.
Tell everyone, when you used to sing that Madonna song, right?
And it's...
Let the choir sing.
When you come...
What did you used to think?
And sing, it shows that people were paying you for.
What did you used to think the words,
let the choir sing, were, Rosemary?
Tell everyone.
So we're talking... When you call call my name it's like a little
prison let the choir sing what did you used to think let the choir sing was
lepacuasing lepacuasing rosie was on stage in venues being paid money as a job, as a professional
singer, and she was saying
to everyone,
Leperquasink!
I thought it was French!
You thought it was French.
Leperquasink.
Leperquasink.
Leperquasink is a...
Leperquasink!
Leperquasink is a special pastry
that they give to people
whose limbs are falling off.
A leper croissant.
A leper croissant.
Covered in scab.
You don't know
the lyrics to anything
and it's craziness.
I know.
It's so...
Do you know what it is?
And it feeds into the fact that
you're asking me
how to set up
a different bank account a day
so you can put savings across
and you asked us
and I started explaining
and you immediately switched off
I saw it in your eyes
you just fucking switched off
you go how do I do that
and I went
this is how you do it
and then you went
and you were just completely
not looking at us
and then at the end you went
oh well as long as I know
how to do it
but you weren't listening were you
and you went no
and I had to tell you again
I know I just
I've just got no time
you've got no retention
you've got no knowledge retention
I'm not very academic you know
it's got nothing to do
with being academic
it's got nothing to do
with putting a bit of effort
and then not being pig headed
and going
I'll just say leper quassink
who gives a fuck
just listen right
I just didn't know that line
it wasn't until I did it
on karaoke
I was like
what
I forgot that
I forgot that you did it that was it so you, what? I forgot that. I forgot that.
You did it.
That was it.
So you did it professionally for years.
And then years after that, you were doing it on karaoke and you were like, this is wrong.
I think they spelt leper quassing wrong.
Honestly, it was like, let the choir sing.
And then all the choir joins in.
So it makes total sense
whereas leper quassing
the lepers
all started quassing
and
hey mate
you should have heard
me rendition of fame
it was
just horrific
Jesus
so anyway
yeah
listen I agree with that beef
yeah
but I can't do anything about it
because
there's lyrics
a to z lyrics dot com
or whatever it is
just you want to sing
something in the house
just get it on your phone
I'm not doing that well I'm not going to listen anymore well no one's asking a to z lyrics dot com or whatever it is just you want to sing something in the house just get it on your phone I'm not doing that
well I'm not going to
listen anymore
well no one's asking
you to listen
I'm going to run in
and shout
run in the rooms
and shout at you
I'm going to get
one of them bottles
that you spray
indoor plants with
and I'm going to
come in and spray
you like you know
when a dog's done
something wrong
just when I hear
your lair
but hey
stop it
bad girl down down off that bench No, get out. Just when I hear you laugh. Shh, shh, shh. Hey, shh. Stop it. Bad girl.
You're horrible. Down.
Down off that bench.
Just wait till I kick your car tomorrow.
You prick.
You would not.
I flip and would.
Okay, it is time for questions from you, lovely people.
Questions from the public.
I've got the first one here.
You're right.
You're right.
So you know what's happened here, everyone, here right what's happened here is i normally source the
questions and i have them ready but rosie like a little like a kid doing doing an apprenticeship
at news round doing some work experience she's printed them off today on two different bits of
paper so normally i say as avid listeners will know i'll say it's time for a question from you
lot and rosie goes question for the public public public public public we were all waiting for that as i i'm sure you understand this listener but
you're sitting there with a little bit of paper in front of her do you know when it used to go
dark on the news and they used to crack them on the tip that's what you're sitting like
shut up sorry god you didn't have canon it's a bloody it's a bloody podcast imagine i didn't
guys if you want to get in touch shagmoud annoyed at gmail it's just noted that's that's unbelievable if you want to get in touch shagmoud annoyed at gmail.com and
rosie's instagram because i don't read the messages questions from the public public
she's back in the room okay hi chris and rosie quick question when me and my husband leave the
house to go to the shops or just for a quick trip somewhere he insists on us both taking our
sets of keys why capital letters i don't like to as i like the very rare times i don't need a bag
we have a one-year-old so i just get him to take his keys as he's already going to take keys in his
pockets anyway there was no time in us there was no point in us both taking our sets of keys when
we're going to the same place and coming back together.
Who's right and what do you guys do?
And then she's put, love Harriet from Rushington
with an exclamation point at the end.
Okay.
So I enjoyed that a lot.
Thanks, Harriet.
Harriet from Rushington.
I wonder where that is.
No idea.
I think it's next to Flushington.
Anyway.
Twinned with take Your Time-ington.
I wish everyone could have seen your eyes
as you literally took your time to get that joke.
That was beautiful.
Why have you caught us in a giggly little mood?
That was like asking a dog what time it was.
Your little eyes.
And you're like, is it walkie time?
It's walkie time.
I totally understand where he's coming from.
You would.
Yeah, yeah.
I totally understand where he's coming from.
Because, my God, I was so passive aggressive.
I actually hurt.
Because, yeah, what if you both go out and then it's like, oh, you know, something happens.
It's like, quickly, all right, you stay at your mom's.
Oh, now I'll go back home
and do this.
And then we did it
on a night out before.
We both went out
and I got locked out.
We talked about it
on the podcast before.
I got locked out
and I just walked around
the garden like a dog.
No,
I agree that
because I think we're living
in a modern world now
that,
you know,
you're not,
it's not always just
go out together,
go back home together.
Loads of stuff happens.
Like someone ends up
ringing and you go,
oh,
I'm just going to pop there
for an hour.
Blah, blah, blah.
Robin needs this.
So, yeah, two sets of keys
at all times.
Two sets of keys.
Harriet from Washington.
Because, honestly,
you walk around,
I've got to say,
you walk around your house
thinking, hey,
you know, if you're locking it
on a night or whatever,
when you go into bed,
you're like,
oh, is my house secure?
Get yourself locked out
of your house one day.
See how hard it is to get in.
It's a frigging nightmare.
Yeah, it is, isn't it? I've never been locked out before. It's a frigging nightmare. Yeah, it is, isn't it?
I've never been locked out before.
It's a frigging nightmare.
Yeah.
Do you know,
totally sort of on the subject
of walking around outside the house,
do you know there's a cat
that walks past our window
at almost exactly the same time every night?
What?
No, I don't know.
Well, there's a cat.
The security light goes off
and all I've looked at is the same cat
just doing its rounds.
Really?
Yeah, same time every night.
It's freaking us out. Like a security guard? Like a security guard. same cat just doing its rounds. Really? Yeah. Same time every night.
It's freaking us out.
Like a security guard?
Like a security, like, yeah,
like a security,
or a spy.
One of the two.
Because I'm not,
we don't have a cat
so I don't know
what the crack is.
I don't know
what's going on.
Catadics.
But I know,
careful,
a lot of people
are going to hear that.
Sorry guys.
But I know
people just let them out
and it just walks out.
Because this is why,
this is why I find,
right, okay, I'll take that back. Not all catadics but most catadics. I just let them out and it just walks out because this is why this is why I find right okay
I'll take that back
not all cats are dicks
but most cats are dicks
I just find them
a really
really weird
I don't know why
they're pets
right
I think cats should just
be allowed to do
what they want
but they fucking are
by the sounds of things
well this is what I mean
they don't
they don't like their owners
they don't love them
it's fair
I'll be honest with you
yeah
you can't say that they don't love them but I know what'll be honest with you yeah you can't say that they
don't love them because but i know what you mean a cat is one of the only pets where you can tell
it's got disdain for the owner but the owner's like nah it's kind of like a tenant that they
can't get rid of yeah i've never had a cuddle from a cat no no cat i've ever met has been excited to
see me that's because they listen to podcasts and here you're calling them dicks well good i feel the same about uh rabbits guinea pigs and hamsters and mice and rats no they don't know
you that at least a cat will know that you're its owner it'll kind of know what's going on
rabbits they're just trying to escape no they're just yeah well they are yeah shite yeah but what
about what about the carl's cat cat Carl's cat is lovely right okay
I bet the last owners
don't think that
oh right
okay backstory
Carl Hutchinson's cat
do you want to tell it
I want to hear Carl Hutchinson
who I know will be listening to this now
supports me on tour
if you've seen me on tour
he just nicked a cat from someone
the cat just came to his house
he started feeding it
and then that was that
the cat basically
well no
next door neighbour wasn't it
who owned the cat
but I think actually
I think that his that previous owner got a kid or something
and then they didn't have much time for the cat, so the cat went and played away and found Carl.
Selfish.
Yeah, selfish.
Of the people.
No, the cat.
Of the cat?
Why the cat?
Oh, because I'm not number one priority anymore.
Why are you getting pissed off at this cat?
You don't even know it. I just don't really like cats. I don't know why. Carl's cat off at this cat you don't even know it
I just don't really like cats
I don't know why
Carl's cat's a lovely cat
she loves me
you know who else's cats
are really good
comedian Russell Kane
I stayed at his house once
name drop
his two cats
Keith and Wayne
Essex cats
you call them Keith and Wayne
I swear to god right
he trained them like dogs
you'd come in
and they'd be all over you
and they'd lie on the floor
he could mop his floor with his cat the cat would lie down and you literally hold it and you
could like skid it along the lino and it loved it he trained them like dogs it was amazing so you
can't it is possible okay but yeah i watch a lot of cat videos on the internet and there's a lot
of people saying yeah my cat's a dick but what are you gonna do maybe they just haven't met a nice
one yet cats are the ones where you get it though and if it's a dick you go i'm stuck with this
this is it i think that's what it is you're just stuck with a dickhead cat possibly is that cat gonna hear this and come
and attack us it's just more past now when he looks fucking devastated i'll be honest with you
got a question yeah hi rosie and chris got a quick question for you i go on holiday in 10 days today
and i want to get my suitcase packed now but my boyfriend always waits
till the last minute when you pay are going on holiday how far before you go do you pack and
who was the first to pack oh um back in the day pre-robin yeah i used to quite enjoy packing
yeah i used to find it quite therapeutic i'd do it a few days before now it's just a pain
in the backside and i kind of just do it that no no it's so much of a pain in the backside
you've got to do it like a week in advance so you know you've got everything his bag
your bag you just yeah my bag judging from what i say you went on holiday you just haul you all
that shit last minute yeah wow
wow
I must have told you
about when I was
going on my first
lads holiday
have I mentioned this
on the podcast
I was going on my first
lads
oh no but please
please tell this story
my mum brought this up
the other day actually
this is a lovely story
so I was going on
my first lads holiday
Thalaraki
I was 16 years old
so I went to like
USC
and like
Tushy you were 16 yeah I went to like USC and like Tushy.
You were 16?
Yeah, I went to follow it.
You might have let you go on holiday when you were 16.
Yeah, it's craziness.
Wow.
And I worked in all sports.
I was saving up money.
Saving up money when I worked in all sports.
And I went on the all sports staff night out.
And I had packed my case, all my new clothes,
literally 12 days before my holiday.
I had it all packed.
Bless you. Get open, lush. I had a lovely white shirt. I remember, I'll never forget it. my case all my new clothes literally 12 days before my holiday i had it all packed get open
lush i had a lovely white shirt i remember i'll never forget it um it was like it was you know
when the sort of creased look was in and everything was like uber crisp creased no it wasn't linen it
was just like it looked like you know tie-dyed but without just the tie not the dye so it was
like everything was right that kind of thing right and it was a crisp white and it was lying on top
of my case and all i need to do is shut the case and i went on the all sports night out and i climbed into bed
mortal drunk and in the middle of the night i lent out my bed and i hoid up um all of the sort of
vodka red bulls and all of the um we went we went on italians beforehand so i had like
bolognese and pasta onto the white shirt into into the white shirt. It was in the pockets.
It was all over the place.
Full suitcase, hoid up in.
In the full suitcase, not just on the shirt?
Full suitcase.
Well, the shirt was the top, so then you got the shirt out
and then you sort of tried to cup as much in,
but it seeped through.
Oh, my God.
Sort of the top three levels.
I think I got a new suitcase just covered in sick.
What happened to the clothes?
My mom washed them and, by God,
got every
stain out of that white shirt i've never seen anything like what you did with that i looked at
it the morning i went well that's not good and it wasn't a bloody water and fallow raggy see
moms are great moms are brilliant but yeah filled it with sick that's so yeah guys don't pack early
because it just gives you an extra receptacle to be sick if you need to and answer that question
you literally pack the night before, don't you?
I'm a professional packer.
That's what I do for my job.
Yeah, bish, bash, bosh.
Yeah, bish, bash, bosh.
Plus, can I just say, I don't pack Robin's stuff.
So hands up, you pack his stuff.
You do all that.
Well done, you.
I'm very...
If it was up to me, he would have, honestly, a spare pair of my swimming shorts.
The one he owed that white shirt for dinner.
That white shirt covered in sick.
Stip it in the pool
mate
it'll be Harry
babadoo babadoo
babadoo
babadoo
this Friday
you must be very careful
Margaret
it's a girl
witness the birth
bad things will start to happen
evil things
of evil
it's
you know
don't
the first omen
I believe
the girl is to be the mother.
Mother of what?
Is the most terrifying.
Six, six, six.
It's the mark of the devil.
Movie of the year.
It's not real.
It's not real.
It's not real.
Who said that?
The first omen.
In theaters Friday.
Get tickets now.
Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none.
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Dear Chris and Rosie, this is a question that has bugged me for some time now,
so let me give you a bit of context, okay?
I have nothing to hide, so I'm absolutely fine when my girlfriend asks to use my phone or just starts using it.
Whereas, if I use hers, she gets very funny about it and may go on certain things like her Snapchat, okay?
When she goes on my phone, she regularly goes through my chats, especially with my mum.
But when I do the same to her, suddenly it's an invasion of her privacy.
So my question is, how do you feel about going on each other's phones?
I'm sure you both have nothing to hide, but do you care if the other starts using it for something like a quick Google?
Please keep this anonymous.
Wow.
What do you think i can i first point out that he started that with uh i have nothing to hide and ended it with please keep
me anonymous so i'm getting mixed signals here dude um see now we have a joke don't we whenever
you if you grab my phone to normally it's to take a to send yourself a photo i've took of you and
robin yeah and you grab my phone and i'll give you the phone and i always go don't read me texts all right now i
don't know if you've ever actually read them but there's nothing there um the only time i actually
haven't wanted you to read me text was um in the run-up to christmas and birthdays if i've been
ordering anything for you i don't like you to see my emails in case there's an Amazon thing of something I've ordered.
It wouldn't bother me at all
if you wanted to sit and go through my texts
because I've got nothing to hide.
But I would be concerned
that you felt like you had to do it.
Does that make sense?
Oh, totally.
I find it really weird.
I find it so weird
when people feel the need to check the partner's phone
because it's like,
if you are at that stage where you need to check the phone, the trust is gone.
Completely.
And I just find it, I find it even worse when people have only been together, like not very long.
And they're checking phones and you're like, why?
What are you doing?
Also, how fucking boring.
Who wants to read all that?
I know.
What are you doing, love?
Reading all the stuff with him and his mam?
How boring.
Jesus Christ. That's a bit strange, isn't it?
Yeah.
But then she doesn't.
So when he then tries to read hers.
I know.
She won't have it.
Hashtag dodgy.
Dude, you're getting gaslighted here, mate.
Run.
Yeah.
Run.
Or maybe just say, stop looking at me phone.
Look, I've got nothing to hide.
But it's really, let's not look at each other's phones.
It's pointless.
True.
And if she's listening,
just do what Chris does
and cheat on her at Christmas.
That is slander
and I'm not having it.
Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.
Okay.
So the subject on this one
was bloody woman drivers.
Jesus.
Well, that got me back up
straight away, right?
Oh, God.
Can I just say, good luck to whoever emailed this.
She's going to have you.
Okay.
No, you'll like it, though.
You ready?
Dear Chris and Rosie,
my question is,
do you think it's the man's job to drive all the time?
I've been with my missus around nine months,
and I think she's driven twice,
both when I've been too hungover and only to
mcdonald's i like being the passenger too and think it's bloody unfair but she says i'm the man and
it's my job and she doesn't like driving she also won't phone the takeaway for some reason
and then he signed it that's craig so that's brilliant craig thank you I think you meant to put thanks Craig but it's just that's Craig
that's Craig
that's Craig
hey
that's Craig
wah wah wah wah
wah wah
so
next week on
that's Craig
it made me laugh a lot
when I was reading it
so
oh I love that
well done
take it in
that's Craig
yeah so that started off and I Take it in. That's Craig.
Yeah, so that started off and I was like,
oh, come on then, Craig.
Going to slag up.
But no, he's actually saying
that she just doesn't like driving.
Can I just say,
hats off to Craig.
I think he's done that on purpose.
I think he's done that,
put it in the subject title,
like bloody woman drivers
and then you've,
yeah,
and you know you've seen it
and he's, yeah,
fair play.
He's done you there.
He's trolled you. He's click baited you. Hasn't he's yeah fair play he's done you there he's trolled you
he's click baited you
hasn't he
he has
you've been click baited
totally
I was well in there
so my
thoughts on this
you
flipping love driving everywhere
I do love driving everywhere
I like driving too
alright then
but you always say
you want to drive
well you
yeah
well when you want to drive
you can drive it's simple as that sometimes I really like to but if you really want to do i'd
let you but i think it's not a gender thing you'd let us would you oh would you dickhead oh jesus
you'd let us all right okay all right one eye open ramsay one eye open um i don't think it's
a gender thing i think it just sounds like like his wife or girlfriend doesn't like driving.
But to turn it around and say it's a man thing.
Yeah, that's a bit weird. It's a bit shitty.
Yeah.
To turn it around and go, oh, no, it's a gender thing.
Just because you can't be arsed.
You can't be arsed, love.
See, you can't be arsed.
Just be honest.
Yeah.
Anyway, thanks.
That's great.
No, also.
She won't ring the takeaway.
You won't.
Rosie, you don't ring takeaways.
I know.
You don't ring takeaways.
You don't ring room service and hotels. You don't answerie you don't ring takeaways i know you don't bring takeaways you don't bring room service in hotels you don't answer doors in hotels no do you know what for being a really
confident person yeah i'm gonna hate using the phone really you do i mean i don't know why it
could be really important there could be a really important thing about to happen like it'd be like
oh quick we need to go to london now for like a massive job see if your mom can have robin tonight and you text her like you would text 999 if there was a
text in 999 service absolutely yeah you're texting the text back press one for fire yeah like i don't
know why i mean i would ring me mom can we just clarify that honestly you prefer text over
everything i do yeah i wish we could text this marriage.
I just wish we could just text each other all the time,
not have to speak.
I mean, what is this podcast?
Wow.
Look at it.
Wow.
I'm pushing myself here.
But isn't this a weird thing?
I used to do this as a job.
I used to present on the radio.
Rosie, this is still your job.
Will you stop saying you haven't got a job?
All right, this is my job.
Sorry, I'm doing a podcast, but why can't I use the phone?
What's the matter with me? What's the matter with'm doing a podcast but why can't I use the phone what's the matter with me
what's the matter with this
loads of people don't like using the phone
my friend of mine
you phone him up
and it goes to his answer machine
cheeky bastard
you know who you are
if you're listening
it says hi
such and such
leave us a message
or send us a text
because I don't like
listening to me messages
and the phone goes down
who's that
alright sweetheart
you don't listen to me messages
do you not
button strap a pair on
who is it?
It's Jason Cooke.
Hi, it's Jason.
You've missed me.
You can leave a message
or you can send us a text
because I don't really like
listening to your messages.
You're pathetic.
Yeah, Jason.
I'll at least listen to your messages.
I just won't bring them back.
I've already slagged him off
for his vape
and he's going to have a right go now.
He listens to these
when he's going to gigs.
He saves them up.
Sorry, Jason. When I slagged the vaping off he went off it. What? What he off for his vape and he's going to have a right go now. He listens to these when he's going to gigs. He saves them up. Sorry, Jason.
When I slagged the vaping off, he went off it.
What?
What he does?
His vape stinks.
It's funky.
It doesn't.
It smells like cake and it makes us fat.
Fruity rung stuff.
I always go and buy cinnamon and cinnamon rolls in that when I've had it because it smells amazing.
If I'm sitting in his office and he's mad, I'm like, I go out.
I wonder why I want loads of cake for my dinner.
It's because he's been blowing cinnamon fairy dust in my face all day.
Okay.
Are you ready for some juicy gossip?
Yes, always.
Okay.
Strip yourself in, right?
Come on.
It's a very long one.
Yes.
Dear Rosie and Chris, slight backstory is needed for this.
Okay.
You ready?
Yeah.
My dad has been with my stepmom for almost 20 years me and my siblings met her
children when we were quite young around the ages of six to ten there's six of us all together
we've grown up like a proper family and not a step family lovely so i have a son with my ex
who i was with for over eight years my ex is is now with my stepsister, and they have just had a baby.
I even got a message from a member of his family on the day of the baby's birth,
telling me to congratulate my son on his new sister slash cousin, in those words.
They don't seem to see anything wrong with this,
and of course I'm the bad one for having a problem with it all.
My son still calls her auntie.
Is this something you would have a problem with?
How would you deal with it being in my shoes?
I think they're a bunch of arseholes
but I keep it all to myself for my son's sake
as he obviously still loves his dad.
I'm also happy to email again if you have any questions.
Anonymous. Holy shit. loves his dad I'm also happy to email again if you have any questions anonymous
holy shit
that is
that is
I mean
I've had bloody neck reams
that weren't this juicy
so let's get this straight
so
her ex
who they have a child with
who they have a child with
is now
has now had a child
with her
stepsister
who is pretty much
her sister
because they've known each other
since they were really young
shit the bed
it's just awkward
so her ex
is now with her step
her ex is now
with her stepsister
so that bloke
is now with her stepsister
so congratulate your son
on his sister
slash cousin
that's madness
I know
do you know
it's one of the
really hard things
because
life
is messed up sometimes
and I don't want to
outwardly be like
oh my god
because I don't know
you don't know
you don't know
what's going to happen
in your own life
and you can't ever say
but at this moment in time
nothing that weird
is happening in our lives right now.
So I can literally sit and go,
that's messed up.
Yeah.
But I don't know.
I feel,
I would feel the same as her.
I'd be gutted.
Yeah.
It's a bit,
it,
I mean,
it is the dictionary definition of shit and weed.
Really?
Yeah.
Like what's he doing?
Why is it?
What?
How am I?
It's the dictionary.
I mean,
but there's, there's stories of people who like, do you he doing? Why is he... How am I a man? It's the dick... I mean, but there's stories of people who, like...
Do you know the stories of people who...
They'll be going out with a twin
and they'll divorce the twin
and then marry the other one.
I'm sorry, but no, na, na, na, na, na.
It is bizarre, isn't it?
Yeah, it's...
That's so weird.
It's like the same person.
There's so many people in the world.
But yeah.
So many people in the world. Back yeah. So many people in the world.
But this one though,
the stepsister one,
like going out with the steps,
I mean,
oh,
I don't know.
I mean,
people do it,
you know,
I don't know.
There's no blood relation there.
Yeah.
But it wouldn't matter anyway
because it's not like
he was only married to her.
So he's married to her
and he's got a stepsister.
So,
you're never going to be happy, are you?
You're never going to go,
oh, here we go.
There's me.
You know, you're going out with me sister now.
Hey, it didn't work out for us,
but you're going out with me sister now.
Christmas will be fun.
Yeah, it's going to be so weird.
Wow.
I haven't got much to say to that other than thank you for sending that in.
I think it's like, honestly,
are you sure this is an email?
Have you not just seen a little bit of a script from Hollyoaks or something?
No, I promise you.
Love stuff like that.
Send more of them in, everyone.
Come on.
Oh, God, yeah.
Obviously, we'll never see who it is, so your secret's safe with us,
but love stuff like that.
I mean, let's be honest.
If the full family are listening,
it's not going to take long for them to work out that it's them.
Yeah, true.
Sorry.
Hard lines.
What are you going to do? Doodle-oo-doon. Da-da. Doodle-oo-do them. Yeah, true. Sorry. Hard lines. What are you going to do?
Do-do-do-do.
Da-da.
Do-do-do-do.
Da-da.
Amazing.
Ba-ba-do-ba-ba-do-ba-ba-do-ba.
Got one here.
Short and sweet.
From Susan.
Dear Rosie and Chris,
do you have a favourite swear word?
Yes.
Do you have one in your head?
I've got one in my head.
Go on.
Yeah?
Well, I think yours is going to be the same as mine.
Is it?
I don't know.
You don't think so?
No?
Probably shit.
Probably shit.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Why?
Is that bad?
That's middle ground.
No, it's middle ground.
That's quite good.
Yeah.
That's middle ground.
I've got to say Seabomb.
No, you can't.
Don't do it.
No, I'm not going to say it.
All right, okay.
But C-bomb is probably my favourite.
Just because you...
Don't use it often,
but when you whip out the old C-bomb,
kaplunk.
Ooh.
Bumf.
Nice, isn't it?
Sit down.
It's a powerful word.
Just for inanimate objects.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, mine's just a middle ground one.
I remember when we were younger,
I mean, Nana used to be like,
right, burnt,
don't like none
of the bad swear words,
but you can say bloody,
shit, bugger.
Wow.
Bastard.
No, that wasn't there.
But it was like,
they were the okay ones.
Just for me, Nana.
Like, if my mum heard
her saying it,
I'd get a clip around.
Your Nana's a legend.
But she didn't like
the bad ones, you know.
Did I ever tell you when I went to school,
again, I don't know if I've said this on the podcast,
where I went into school one day.
I was in second year junior, so what's that, year four?
No, year four.
Year four.
And a lad came up who I sort of knew from someone else.
And he was like a friend of a friend.
And he genuinely came up.
I'll never forget it.
And he was like, you heard the new swear word.
That's out.
That's out?
What was it?
Prick.
I went, what?
What is it?
He went, prick.
I went, all right.
He went, yeah, it's a new swear word.
And then he walked off.
Well, what was that though?
When I was in school and someone would call you a twat
and you'd be like,
oh, what?
A baby frog.
Yeah.
That's what a twat means.
It's not a fish,
a pregnant fish.
I can't remember.
If you're a twat,
it was a pregnant fish,
wasn't it?
Oh, I'm a pregnant fish.
I'm like, oh, great.
You know what one I loved?
You know what one I loved?
What?
Were you born in a hospital?
Yeah.
Ah, you were born in a horse-piddle?
Ah!
You were born in a horse-piddle? Ah! Ah!
Ah!
You were born in a horse-piddle?
Never heard of that.
Are we mates?
Yeah.
Are you my pal?
Yeah.
Ah, personal arse-nicker!
Ah!
Ah!
It's my personal arse-nicker!
I've never heard of either of them.
Shut up, man.
I love them.
I love them.
Wow. that's great
wow
I'm literally
wracking my brains right now
to think of something
yeah
what hand
do you wipe your bum with
this one
I use toilet paper
boo
do you know
I can't believe how much you are loving these they are the shittest oldest things in the world
no i remember when someone would go i got something on your bum there you touch your
bum you go bum feel that bum
is it literally your own bum to be like bum feel that bum feel your own bum
look at him
feeling his own bum
pervert
send him down
lock him up
the lads in my school
remember
they used to run up to you
right
they used to run up to you
and they'd like
stick their crotch
like
they'd have their clothes on
but they'd stick their crotch
and they'd like
point their crotch at you
and they'd point at their crotch
with their fingers
and they'd go
look at me dick but they'd say it so quick you wouldn't hear it at their crotch with their fingers and they'd go, look at me dick!
But they'd say it so quick
you wouldn't hear it.
Go, look at me dick!
And you'd look down and go,
look at me dick!
And you'd go,
come on man,
that's not even fair.
Oh God.
Look at me dick.
She looked,
guys listening,
she looked,
she looked at me dick.
She did,
she looked.
She tried to wash it as well.
Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah! Got a lovely one here really really nice
just keeps you know
I just love that
the podcast is getting
these kind of listeners
do you know what I mean
okay was it
is it highbrow
very highbrow question
oh wonderful
you're gonna enjoy it
maybe a bit radio 4
a bit radio 4 a A bit Radio 4?
A little bit Radio 4.
Yeah, why not?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's only to me.
Obviously, you can join in.
Okay.
Dear Rosie,
do you still swallow
or was that just a pre-marriage thing?
Who the hell's that from?
A non.
That's horrible.
Don't answer that.
What the hell's going on?
Who's wrote that?
I'm not well.
It's anonymous.
I'm not going to take it.
I've gone on the emails.
Whoever that is, that's not on.
Wonderful.
Should I answer?
No, I don't.
That's a horrible question.
Good heavens.
You're like horrified. I am. I am. I don't. That's a horrible question. Good heavens. You're like horrified.
I am.
I am.
I'm shocked.
I'm shocked and appalled.
Pre-marriage thing.
Pre-marriage thing.
No.
It wasn't even a pre-marriage thing.
No.
Absolutely disgusting.
Yeah.
I don't get it.
Why is people doing that?
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, I wouldn't drink your wee.
Why would I drink your semen?
I mean, I've never been asked those kind of questions.
I've got no...
I've got no...
I've got no comeback to that.
I've never been asked...
I've never been asked those questions.
I'm not a PR guy for me wee and me semen.
I'm not about to go,
well, before you say no, think of the benefits.
I've got...
There are no benefits.
You're acting like I've been...
You're acting like I've sent that email.
That wasn't me.
It was.
To a secret source.
It wasn't just that once when you were drunk, Rosie.
This is why you're playing me with drinks.
Perfect, man.
Who's emailing that?
You want your hard drive confiscated and sent to the police.
I think it's wonderful, personally.
And I just want to say,
sorry, Dad.
Stop listening.
This is not for you.
Let's go and wash our ears.
You should too It is time for this week's celebrity question
Sorry, I see you're back on it now, are you?
Well, yeah
Good
This week is the fabulous Giovanna Fletcher
Hi guys, Giovanna here
I was just wondering
Who's the most annoying?
Oh, thank you, Giovanna
We recorded Giovanna fletcher's podcast
happy mom happy baby which is on soon yeah have we just said her name wrong three times
she said giovanna giovanna giovanna oh my gosh i don't know are we jordy in her name are we
ruining it are we doing what our accent does of this accent really makes it it just ruins all
names and everything all yeah it ruins every name any sort of nice
name let's just call her g g i was calling her g on the day i felt really cool she's fabulous
she's awesome i'm so sorry that we dragged you down make you put a question on our scummy podcast
who is the most annoying? Well, I mean, I think, can I say now?
Yeah.
I think that you get more annoyed by me day to day.
Yes.
Is that a fair thing to say?
Yeah, like with real stuff.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Day to day, I annoy you more.
You get more annoyed by me.
I still get annoyed by you, but I think you're getting more annoyed by me.
Yes.
However, when you are trying to be annoying yes you're fucking unbearable man it's unbelievable
can i remember last night just last night as we're about to go to bed you did your little
shitty phone thing where you stand on the phone for a bit lovely then we came in the kitchen
and i turned around and you give us a little slap and you went oh i wish we just fight can i just
can i just like hit you as hard as i can for like 10 seconds and i was like uh no and you give us a little slap and you went, ugh, ugh, how is she? We'll just fight. Can I just, can I just like hit you
as hard as I can
for like 10 seconds?
And I was like,
uh,
no.
And you're like,
come on,
just let us hit you.
And I was like,
no.
And then you turn around
and you ran
and dove head first
onto the sofa
like what Robin does.
And then you came back
and went,
try it,
it's amazing.
And then you ran
and dove again.
Yeah.
All I wanted to do
was go to bed.
I wanted to turn the dishwasher on
and go to bed.
And you were running around
I mean yes I did join in
yes I jumped on the sofa
a couple of times
yes it was fun
exactly
but when you want to be annoying
you're really annoying
well the thing is
it just
it goes back to siblings
right
because you're
because I'm an only child
because you're a lonely child
that's what I like to call them
painful
people
still hurt
I've got a brother
and a sister
and we used to irritate
the hell out of each other when we were younger
so I'm just used to it
and sometimes I miss it and sometimes
I do it to you
okay
do you know what I mean like we did so much good
stuff growing up like and I was the middle
so sometimes I used to
gang up on Kevin with Kate
then other times I'd gang up on Kate with Kevin
like they never ganged up on me because I kate then other times i'd gang up on kate with kevin like they never
ganged up on me because i was the instigator in the middle so yeah we used to get kate we used
to put an upside down lego outside our bedroom and cover it with a pe bag when she came out we'd
whip the bag off and just stand on all the lego which was great great great was the adjet if you
was there it was good fun and like we used used to get Kevin all the time just by like,
hiding his stuff and that.
Yeah.
God,
the good old days.
Ah,
well,
I used to
line all my toys up
in a nice,
neat line
and look at them.
Yeah.
We need it,
we need it.
And then sometimes
I was,
sometimes it helped me
dark clean the car.
Oh, babes.
And I got pretty good at catching a stray football
that other kids were playing with on holiday
if I orbited close enough to them.
Oh.
And going and giving them it back for a while
until they eventually just let us join in.
Oh.
If you're on holiday and you stand,
if you're on your own and you stand next to two people who are passing a ball at each other
and that ball goes stray,
you get that enough times,
they'll just start passing it to you after a while.
Like osmosis.
That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
I got good at it.
Oh, babe.
You point me at two people passing a ball,
I'll be playing past that ball with no words.
Sometimes they didn't even speak English.
Sometimes it could have been German kids,
could have been Spanish kids.
Who was...
Who was numero tres?
Slash dry?
In the game?
This fella here.
It's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
Don't knock it, it's a talent.
Oh, we need another baby.
We need another child.
I can't be letting Robin do that on holiday, man.
Oh, I can't,
because I'll just... No.
No.
Needs a mate.
Character building
is what it is.
What did they
know for you?
Jesus Christ.
I might need to
translate that.
What Rosie said
there to the non-Jordies
was, it did nothing
for you.
But she got so excited and Geordie Fish-Jordies was it did nothing for you but she got so excited
and Geordie Fishwife
she went
it did not for ye
and there's dogs outside
losing their mind
and I'm going to go
and pass a ball for them
because that's what I do
oh well
let's wrap it up
veg
feature
schnell
schnell schnell
schnell
babadoo
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babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babado for Chris for Celebrity Dad of the Year why don't you vote for Robin for Celebrity Dad of the Year
well to be fair
we live in the North East
he's three
he should probably have
a couple of kids by now
vote for me
for Celebrity Dad of the Year
it's on my socials
it's on Rosie's socials
just vote for us
to be Celebrity Dad
if just to beat Rosie
thank you
oh that's
nasty
and if you want to get in touch
it's shagmarriedannoyed
at gmail.com
guys as always thank you so much for listening.
Thanks so much. Bye!
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