Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 166. Hip hip...
Episode Date: May 6, 2022On this week's podcast Rosie delivers some more observations and even has some audio evidence to prove it! Chris has been feeling ill after catching the kids germs and shares his stomach bug woes from... the tour. There's the weekly beefs and QFTP's that cover service stations, eating in supermarkets and manscaping. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Hello, you're listening to Shag Maridanoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello! dot ca but you're still eating an Easter egg. Because the kids got loads. It's literally, it's been like your default setting. Your default setting since Easter
has been eating an Easter egg somewhere.
Unbelievable.
But in a better way.
Got to say though,
Easter egg in the fridge,
no better.
Oh my God.
I'm sorry.
Oh.
It pure snaps as you bite it.
It pure cracks, doesn't it?
I'm telling you now,
I'm just having them on now.
They've made them thicker.
Have they?
Well, this is,
well, actually,
this is quite a big one,
a Whisper one.
Right.
Cadbury's Whisper one that they got off next door.
Oh, it's thick.
Wow.
It's nice.
Just portion that up there.
Just snip that out.
That could have been audio from a porn shoot.
Oh.
Oh, it's thick.
I'm just going to finish that.
Are you really honestly continuing to eat it?
I'm not one of them people.
Who can just leave it?
Who can leave it?
I've told you about it when I went to school with you.
Our poor listeners haven't listened to you
clag your way through the last end of a fucking Easter egg.
They don't mind.
Shocking, they do mind.
I'm offended on everyone's behalf.
What were you saying?
Someone at school who what?
Used to leave like a half a chocolate bar.
Oh yeah, I think we've mentioned that before.
Someone who can just put,
I'll have a little bite.
I'll wrap it back up.
I'll keep the rest.
I'll keep it for later.
That is fucking psychotic, mate.
That is willpower.
Yeah, it's actually pretty good.
We do not have that.
We open a bottle of wine.
We finish that bottle of wine.
Oh, God, yeah.
We open an Easter egg.
We finish that Easter egg.
I got, just before Christmas, I bought these two special,
not just one, actually.
I bought two for a friend of mine.
But I bought these wine decanters.
But they're like special ones. And you put the wine in it it's quite good it's like yeah but
you've thought if you only want a couple of glasses out of the bottle and then you pour it
into this decanter and you sort of push the plunger down almost like it's a cafeteria yeah
and it gets all the air out and apparently you can keep the wine in the fridge but never fucking
you like honestly i get it out every time i go get that decanter all i'm doing is changing the
i'm pouring the wine out into the glass
and then I'm pouring it into this decanter thing
and going, I'll put you in the fridge.
It's never seen the fucking fridge.
It has never seen the fridge in its life.
It doesn't know we've got a fridge.
No, I know.
That thing doesn't know.
But listen, I'm enjoying it.
Sorry, I just had a little...
A little burp as well.
A little burp.
Apologies.
Brilliant.
So you're clagging, you're chewing,
you're phlegmy and you're burping all over this.
It's all good.
Honestly, welcome to the farm yard podcast
I know and
not that it's farm yard
but I am due on
so I'm very
I'm very hormonal today
we're discussing this morning
ladies and gentlemen
just to let you behind
the curtain here
I'm considering
putting it in my diary
just a few days beforehand
just a big sort of
a bit just
it's a roundabout
blocking out
blocking out two weeks
of my diary going
honestly mate
don't even try and fight
your corner
because it's not worth it
might not be a bad shout
do you know you
right here you go
he has a bit of insight
for you
you went and took
Robin to school this morning
and you took Rafe
in the buggy
because he needed a nap
I went upstairs
and screamed into my pillow
wow
yeah
okay
yeah
wow
I did
I feel like screaming
into a pillow
was a sponsor
on the podcast
it was
once upon a time
see
see they're coming back we're earning honestly we're earning money while we're sleeping I feel like screaming at a pillow was a sponsor on the podcast it was once upon a time see see
they're coming back
we're earning
honestly
we're earning money
while we're sleeping
royalties
royalties
there we go
it was four quid
if you screamed
at a pillow
it was definitely
your pillow
so you actually
genuinely did
because I just
it's like a mist
man it comes over you
and you can't
describe it
I just want to
I want it like
I want to punch a wall
right okay do you know do you know how like blokes get all testosterone-y and like I can't describe it. I just want to... I want to punch a wall.
I don't care.
Do you know how blokes get all testosterone-y and they're pissed and they're just...
One of my ex-boyfriends punched a bin.
I had to take him to hospital.
He was a fucking bellend.
Punched a bin?
Punched a bin.
A kind of bin?
A black council bin.
Oh, a biffa bin.
No.
A metal biffa bin.
You know in the middle,
like when you're out on a night out?
Oh, black.
The black metal ones that have got...
On the top, you put your tabs out and you punched a metal punched a metal
bin what a moron yeah he was i mean come on guys come on we've all been there you think it through
you don't you start you're standing in front of a bit of stone a bit of metal or a bit of plaster
and you use the temper and you lose your temper come on lads let's be honest we're all punching
the plaster or the door No, the hollow door.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that an Ikea door
or is that an old
country manor door?
Because I'm not punching
the country manor door
because I'm going to break
my arms like Kill Bill.
Put it straight through.
I'm going straight through
that composite cardboard
interior door.
Yeah.
100%
Yeah.
Okay, I'm just going to
put it down.
So what we are now
as we record,
it's the third.
I actually know.
Yeah, from the third
I'm just going to block them.
But it changes all the time
okay so maybe
maybe two weeks
please don't
I'm just going to block them
just abandon all hope
and logic
do not look her in the eyes
for one week
set reminder
cool
here we go
that's my life
yeah
fantastic stuff
there you go
guys
thank you so so much for tuning back in.
Tuning back in.
Oh, hello, radio dad.
Oh, who do you think you are?
Thank you so much for coming back.
Thank you so much for listening.
Welcome to episode 166 of Shag My Dinoid.
Now, without further ado,
it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor.
Hope it's a good one.
Now, listen, listen.
Radio DJ, DJ.
Listen, a long time ago,
right near the beginning of the podcast,
we had a sponsor.
I hope we're not still in a contract with this sponsor because I am contradicting it with today's sponsor.
Right, oh, right.
Are you sure you want to do that?
Yeah, I am.
And honestly, I've got the legal team ready.
I've got the legal team ready just in case.
If you're listening, the one I'm going to contradict,
you know, honestly, if you want to take the call,
we can go there, lawyer up.
I've got a really quick question
yeah
sorry I don't want to
put you off your
your thing that you're doing
there's not much preparation
right
have we talked about
do we have a lawyer
er
no
right
just that
very suspicious question
to ask us
sorry sorry
can we just
can we just take a moment
to see how suspicious
that is for my wife
who is my 50-50% business partner to to randomly ask if I've got a lawyer?
No, just when people go, I'm going to call my lawyer.
And I'm like, I haven't got whoever I'm in.
Google, closest lawyer to me.
I think that's people who it's not their first rodeo.
Okay, that's good.
Like proper business people.
Or I think that's just something that people say in films and stuff.
Carry on.
I feel like if you're phoning your lawyer, you're either constantly suing people or you think that's just something that people say people say in films and stuff carry on I feel like if you're
phoning your lawyer
you're either constantly
suing people
or you're a fucking wrong one
I know but you know what
the older we get
we've got an accountant
yeah
haven't we
yes
yeah
what else we've got
we've got a dentist
did you just ask
if we had an accountant
you do fucking
no paperwork
for this company
have we got an
yes we've got an accountant
you've never met him
we're getting more and more as we get older one day we're gonna have a accountant? Yes, we've got an accountant. You've never met him. We're getting more and more
as we get older.
One day,
we're going to have a lawyer.
And then did you say
we've got a dentist?
Everyone's got a dentist.
No, but when you're older,
it's like you're...
I'm just trying to say
it's our responsibility
when you get older
and your parents and that.
What are you planning
that makes you think
you're going to need a lawyer?
What have you got in the pipeline?
I was just thinking about it.
Today you're screaming
into pillows,
tomorrow what are you doing?
What are you doing?
Smashing bus stops up.
I'm leaving you.
This is actually it.
Right, good.
Here he is.
Good.
My new man.
Thank God for that.
Oh, he's a lawyer.
Oh, God.
Listen.
Listen.
Right.
Right, sorry.
Okay.
This week's sponsor is cold hard bread.
Hey.
Hey.
Remember that sponsor?
Way, way, way back when?
Hot bread.
Hot bread.
Toast.
I've gone against it
cold hard bread
and then put the butter on
I've slagged your mum off
thank you
I'm telling you what
I've slagged your mum off
for years
and when the trains
used to do toast
for a breakfast
used to bring the thing
around on toast
I used to go
what the fuck's the point
of bringing the toast around
it's cold when
the time comes to you
honestly
cold toast
I've completely turned
yes I know you're
sitting out there
thinking oh yeah
lovely bit of toast
with melted butter on
yes that's okay
no it is nice
it's not horrible
it's nice
but honestly
just do us a favour
once
just let your toast
cool down
can we not
not freezing though
not freezing
not freezing
but just so the butter
doesn't fully melt
look warm
you can taste
I know this sounds ridiculous
you can taste the butter more
honestly
change me life
it's the best thing in the world
it's the best thing
since sliced bread
no
don't try
don't try and put slogans
this is my fucking part
this is my fucking part
this is my part
Chris it matched
the product
it contradicts it
it doesn't make sense
the best thing since sliced bread
someone else owns that
someone else owns that
I think you've actually
I hope your new fella's a lawyer
because we're in the shit
you keep saying stuff like that
I used to work for Warburton
so
yeah you did actually
I know him personally
cold hard bread
get it in you
get the book on you
try it
try it just once
cold hard bread
and you'll never look back
fuck me right here
what a couple of boring twats
here's a jingle
cold hard bread
we had a fight about the jingle
jingle
we couldn't settle on a jingle jingle so this about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle.
So this is the jingle, jingle.
We hope you like the jingle, jingle.
Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah!
Jingle!
Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married, Annoyed.
Oh, that sounds like we had an even bigger row in the thing, but we didn't.
We're actually all good.
We haven't had a row at all.
I've been away.
That's why we haven't had a row.
You've not been here.
Oh, it's been a week.
Tell you what, shout out Manchester.
We're fantastic.
Two nights in Manchester, then I did Hull, then I did Harrogate, then I did Birmingham.
Absolutely fantastic.
You had a nice time.
Yes and no.
Our kids' sickness bug that we mentioned last week,
that hit me on Wednesday night.
So I felt like dog shit for the gig on Wednesday night
and then I was up all night.
Your talent, are you?
Oh yeah, I taught them all on stage.
I'll happily tell everyone.
So everyone listening now,
just think in your head of how old were you
the last time you shat yourself
because i was last thursday years old
like so fully blown yeah oh yeah yeah followed through yeah oh my god yeah so i so i i went out
on the wednesdays i haven't even told you this is that so i felt ill all day the wedding i mean you definitely told us that you shit yourself yeah but haven't even told you this so I felt ill all day
the Wednesday
I mean you definitely told us
that you shit yourself
yeah but I haven't told you this
so I've held this bit back
right
so just because I know
you're going to blame us here
because it is my own fault
so I felt bad all day Wednesday
because your mum stayed hours
and she was sick
and Robin had been sick
and Ruth had been sick
just the ones though
it was so odd
so I just had this feeling all day
but you think
oh it's in your head
you're convincing yourself
so I'm on the way down to Manchester
and I feel rotten and I do the gig
and I feel amazing after the gig
because obviously you're endorphins
and your adrenaline hits you.
Adrenaline.
Went for a curry, didn't I?
Well, oh.
That's a bit I haven't told you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
You kept saying a meal.
Yeah.
We went for a meal.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why would you do that?
Oh, do you know what it is?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah, we're good.
You've hit the'm sorry you've hit
no
you've hit the nerve
you have hit
you little twat
yeah
you were texting me
and speaking to me all day
and messaging me
going I feel terrible
when's it gonna hit us
yeah I don't know
if I can do the gig
literally
and you went for an Indian
yeah
after
yeah
yeah
the spiciest
no I didn't go spicy
richest
yeah maybe that food you could choose
i thought i was okay i thought i'd got away you little moron that is that's so you yeah yeah
halfway through the meal i was like i shouldn't have done this yeah so i get back to the hotel
i go to sleep i lie in bed i wake up at four in the morning i'm in agony right agony my stomach
is killing us uh i start letting out honestly may i just say some of the loudest most incredible thoughts i've ever done in my entire
life honestly i'm so glad i wasn't there rattling the adjoining door in that room i'm doing i did
nothing adjoining room and uh i'm going i'm just knocking them out and i'm like this is great and
then the fourth or fifth one i was like emergency and i had to run to the toilet oh my god yeah i
don't know if you should have told people this this is horrendous i told everyone on stage i was like emergency and i had to run the toilet god yeah i don't know if you should have
told people this this is horrendous i told everyone on stage i was on stage i got on stage right
i can't i don't think i can tell this next bit if you're saying you don't think i should tell
people i don't think i'm telling this i mean you've started now well have you not told me this
uh so i took my underpants off and i just put them in the corner of the room because they were
you know they had you know they were soiled.
At the night time
when you shit yourself?
Yeah so I
you were telling us
to throw them away
but I didn't
I didn't throw them
away straight away
so I put them
in the hotel sink
to steep
and I forgot about them
and as I left
I asked if the maids
could change the room
and I realised
as I was on stage
I was like
oh my god
my shitty kegs
are in the same terrible in it
so that was my that was my week not listen just next time you say oh you want to a chris having
a lovely bloody time not always not always why right. Why? Right, I'm sorry, right.
Why
did you want to keep them
probably already 25 years
old boxers? They're nice underpants.
Oh, you are horrible. They're
poor people who've had to clean your room.
They didn't touch them, to be fair.
I mean, I sent a
complaint letter about that. How dare you?
You're too good to touch me shiny kegs, like. You think you are? Oh, God. I mean, I sent a complaint letter about that. How dare... Too good to touch me shiny kegs, like.
You think you are?
Oh, God, that is so disgusting.
Yeah.
You're literally like people who send stuff into this.
Look, I just want to let everyone know,
look, we all have our moments.
We all have our moments,
but I nearly pulled the gig,
but because of COVID and everything,
we'd rescheduled stuff so many times,
I was like, I can't do it.
I was like, I had a sick bucket at the side of the stage,
just in case. I didn't tell them that, but I soldiered through the gig, because I was like, I can't do it. I was like, I had a sick bucket at the side of the stage, just in case.
I didn't tell them that,
but I soldiered through the gig
because I was like, I can't.
I nearly pulled it,
but I saw people saying,
just arrived in Manchester.
And I'm like, oh, fucking hell,
where have you travelled from?
So I just soldiered on and did it.
Oh my God.
Why did you put them in the sink to steep?
I'll tell you exactly why.
I didn't have a carrier bag
and there wasn't a carrier bag in the bin
and I didn't just want to put them in the hotel bin
because that bin's got to be used by other people. There wasn't a carrier bag in it. and I didn't just want to put them in the hotel bin because that bin's got to be used
by other people.
There wasn't a carrier bag.
The sink's got to be used
by other people.
You can bleach a sink.
Oh, I'm sorry,
but do you know what it is?
Why do we stay in hotels?
I swear to God.
Yeah, you don't know
what people have done before you.
Oh my.
And you,
you're very clean
and usually quite respectable.
That's,
I'm a little bit ashamed
at you of that.
Well, I was ashamed of myself.
Because that's horrendous. The worst bit was I didn't have a late checkout on the friday before going to the hole
for the next gig and me to a manager was like oh look we've got checkouts till three um so you can
use our room if you want um like there's some calls and they said oh but he said oh someone's
coming in your room at three o'clock so you need to be out at one and i literally left the room
and i thought some poor fuck i was checking in here for a lovely weekend away and I've literally lay here
shiting myself
for 24 hours
my god
terrible
so yeah
horrendous
I hope you get a bill
from the hotel
honestly I feel like
they had to get me out
at one o'clock
I don't even think
anyone was checking in
I think they just had to
get a priest in
the cleaner's probably
been in
to bless the room
the cleaner's probably
been in and went
the man in number whatever
clearly just snuck in shit himself he's a nutter oh speaking of nutters listen to this so first
night in manchester car goes on stage there's a lady front and center right might have had a
couple of two cup for you too many to drink possibly right just sitting there with a fella
whooping and cheering and hollering at absolutely everything that comes out of carl's mouth okay so happy that's great that's
just happy but you know there's a off-putting it's a little bit off-putting right so i can hear it i
can hear it from the side of stage and i'm like oh god so the tour manager comes in he says look
right what we're going to do is it's completely sold out but there is some seats a bit further
back where someone hasn't turned up so we're just going to move them a bit further back because you
know they're clearly excited to be at the gig they're happy to be
there we don't want them to have to go so we're just going to move them yeah and i was like oh
god i was like come on i'll just leave them he's like yeah but we don't want to do a junior thing
it's this whole thing right so i'll go look i'll leave it to you guys just make sure you don't you
know don't upset them so basically were they pissed yeah hammered right so i go out on stage
well the problem is i'm not
that bothered i can talk when no one's listening i don't care the whole room could be booming i
could do me full set i don't give a shit i'm very egotistical right i can do it to a wall
no but it puts everyone else off around them it is irritating yeah so it comes out for my bit right
expect to look down and see two empty seats at the front right there's only one empty seat
and i looked down and i went okay i went i think someone got a bit too excited and we've had to
have them moved and the whole crowd like sort of clapped and like away you know what i mean like
in on the joke and about 10 rows back i see this lady's arms waving so i can see where she's been
moved to and i look down and i go sorry are you with her and he went yeah my husband and i went
have you not moved with her he went i went, yeah, I'm her husband. And I went, have you not moved with her? He went, I waited two years for this.
Fuck her.
And was he all right?
He just enjoyed it?
He sat and enjoyed it
at the front of the move turn.
He didn't go with her.
Aren't, right,
I'm sorry, right,
aren't some people's relationships
absolutely berserk?
Incredible.
Like,
so he's just basically
married to somebody who he's like, she just gets leery so he's just basically married
to somebody
who he's like
she just gets Larry
and she's just
aye
move her
what
what is that
that's what I said
so literally
he came up and said
you're gonna have to move
and he literally went
you're on your own love
see you in the taxi
and she stayed
was she alright
she was about 10
it was about waving her arms
and he
what
what goes on
it's fucking amazing
it was incredible the whole like like i very very really am
i lost for words on stage and i just sort of sat down and i just started laughing so
uncontrollably it was incredible so weird incredible was she any of the way or was she
just like whatever she just every now and then i saw her wave her hand she didn't make a noise i
just saw her waving her arms now and then. Wow. Crazy. And then halfway through, I did get the idea
that she either fell asleep
or she'd left.
Live comedy, man.
It's fucking crazy.
It's crazy.
Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.
So I've made some observations this week.
Yes, Rosie's observations.
I'm very much enjoying Rosie's observations.
I just,
whenever I say something,
I write it down.
Should we have a jingle?
Observations. observations I just whenever I say something I write it down should we have a jingle erm observations
can I do it
can I go
can I go like
all like sort of
cinematic
and Marvel movie
yeah
oh absolutely yeah
ok
is that a heartbeat
one woman
one brain many observations Is that a heartbeat? One woman. One brain.
Many observations.
It's just...
Get down!
Notice observations.
Instant mess now.
Genuinely a little bit wet that was
that was really impressive
shut up man
that was really good
oh thank you
to the point of like
honestly this all goes to shit
you could do that
you could do that from the house
yeah I can do from
I can do from this mic
that was them sound effects
is that alright
they were really good
did you get the heartbeat
the heartbeat was the best bit
the face you were doing at the time, not so nice.
Oh, well, it's an audio medium, man.
I know, okay, fair enough.
But yeah, that was really good.
Right, okay.
Did you see, did he have a helicopter and the guns?
Chris?
Someone was screaming.
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you very much, everyone.
Thank you.
You're so talented.
Is that guy going to sue?
Is that Red Pepper guy?
Is he going to do me for that?
I mean, he's much better.
Oh, of course.
And you're just mimicking his voice.
Yeah, that's all I am.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm not trying to steal or anything.
No.
I think we should get a lawyer, to be fair.
The more this episode goes on,
I feel like we need a lawyer up.
Do you want to hear my observation?
Absolute fucking looting.
Right, so here's the first one.
Right.
Do you know,
it might not be as obvious for you,
but it's more for women, right?
Okay.
When you're in a long queue
to go to the public toilet, right,
you're absolutely raging.
Right. Okay, it's awful. It's the worst thing in the world and to the point where you're like, what queue to go to the public toilet, right, you're absolutely raging, okay?
It's awful.
It's the worst thing in the world
and to the point where you're like,
what's everybody doing?
Like in your chat, you mentioned like,
there's only two toilets and there's about 30 people.
This is ridiculous.
Why is there only two toilets?
Blah, blah, blah.
Takes so long, right?
The minute you're in that cubicle,
you could not give a fuck about anyone in that queue.
With the book out.
Like, literally, I'm like, oh, just pull my pants down. Take your time. anyone in that queue with the book out like literally
I'm like
oh just
pull my pants down
take my little
and there's
the problem
that's why
it's a massive queue
yeah that is true
everyone else
does the same
so that's my little
first observation
this is an observation
and also something
that I've had to do
recently
and it's
I don't know
maybe you're this friend
or maybe
you're my friends, right?
I've been to a couple of birthday parties,
kids' birthday parties recently, right?
And two of my good friends have been the mams of the kids.
When it comes to bringing the cake out
and having to sing happy birthday,
they take so long and I can see them
and they're going hey well
right hey should i start singing and so i just literally can see them from like 20 foot away and
i go happy birth and then everyone starts singing because i'm like i can't watch you you always
start that yeah that i know exactly we meet the hovering there with a birthday cake yeah so i
wasn't at the party that you did you must have done that at a party yesterday steph's but yeah could not bring out and steph is a singer steph is a professional singer my
best friend steph she's got the best voice of anyone i've ever met in my life yeah she could
not bring herself to start singing happy birthday between being a professional singer and a
professional gobshite like yourself true but yeah the one we went to uh in in shields a few weeks
ago was my mates and yeah his wife was just standing there looking about. They were both sitting there.
And you went, happy, and she turned around and said, thank you.
So her first word was, thank you, not happy birthday.
She went, thank you, happy birthday.
Yeah, very good.
I do.
Very, very good.
So that's my new job at parties.
Love it.
Just to start off the happy birthday.
You start that, yeah.
You're like the master of ceremonies.
You're not at a wedding, but at a party.
I don't know if it's a generational thing, right?
But people don't finish off their hip-hip-a-ray,
isn't it really, really upsetting?
Oh, hip-hip-a-ray is gone.
Honestly, it's been phased out.
I don't know.
I did two yesterday.
Nobody replied the second one,
so I went, fuck it, I'm not doing the third one.
So I went, hip-hip, everyone went, hooray.
I went, hip-hip.
No one replied.
I went, I'm not doing the last one.
Abort! Abort!
Stop.
Abort the hip-hips!
I actually, hang on, get me a phone.
Really?
I think it's...
Wait a second.
Careful, careful.
Just wait one second.
Because I think I might have recorded it
and I just, I end up, I just stop singing
because nobody joins in.
Hang on.
Hold on.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday dear Nancy.
Happy birthday to you Hip hip hooray
Hip hip hooray
Oh fucking hell
I think you were on the end of it
It's that tail off It's that tail off That's so good Fuck me now oh fucking hell so I just I think here on the end I went oh no but I do
it's that tail off
it's that tail off
that's so good
oh yeah
fuck me now
I'll go fuck myself
shall I
wow
that was great
I know the really awkward
but you've got to finish
then you've got to do three
see because
obviously everyone listening
everyone listening
knows your voice as well
so you say hip hip
and then everyone says hooray
and then you say hip hip
then there's a slightly bigger gap hip hip and then everyone says hooray and then you say hip hip and then there's a
slightly bigger gap
and just you
just you go
hooray
and then you did your
hip hip again
and went nah
they literally thought
that should fucking
hooray's herself
that's great
so I'm not doing
any more hip hip
that's outstanding
oh god
do you know what it is
that's my
that's my ick
when you shout hip hip
and no one shouts hooray
never fancied you less.
Top of my list of icks.
So embarrassed.
When she shouts hip hip and no one shouts her ear,
so she shouts it herself,
then doesn't even commit to all three hip hips.
Me dick just shrivels away.
Oh, fun.
Carla Jensen came up with a good ick, by the way, this week.
Oh my, can you tell you've been spending a lot of time with your bra?
I've got three Carl things to tell you this week.
Oh my word.
Strap in, strap in.
So we've been on tour.
First of all, obviously, a little shout out.
My tour pauses while we do the TV show next month
and then I go back out on tour end of June.
I've got Carlisle,
Poole,
Leamington Spa
and Blackburn
and two Glasgow dates
with a few tickets left.
Stop snoring.
With a few tickets left
if anyone fancies them.
Just fell asleep.
And then as I'm about
to relentlessly take the piss out of him
and put private conversations on here,
Carl's on tour as well.
Check his website.
Now,
so he came up with a good ick
which I'd never thought of before
and he didn't know about icks.
He just turned to us randomly and just went, do you do what really does my head and what i just think's really
embarrassing that blokes do sometimes so he doesn't know about it okay right okay doesn't
listen he just has to he just checks twitter every friday and people tweet him with something
that he's done i imagine they're gonna absolutely have his life this week okay after i've told you
these things right so he just randomly turned it was and do you know what's horrible what blokes do on trains
I saw a bloke doing this
on a train
I was so embarrassed for him
he was listening to music
on his headphones
air drumming
oh
it's bad isn't it
on the train
on the train
oh that's so David Brent
that's vile
that's great isn't it
yeah awful
so we were then
we were all sitting
chatting about different films
and different stuff
and uh our tour manager paul told us to see told to watch the rescue on disney plus last night which
was phenomenal oh my god um carl told us to watch a couple of things and i said to carl i said you
still haven't watched game of thrones have you and he doesn't he won't ever watch game of thrones
or any anything of the ilk.
Do you know what his reason is for not watching anything like Game of Thrones
or Lord of the Rings and stuff like that?
Do you know what kind of thing he doesn't like?
It's because it's like mythical and stuff.
Right, so that was my,
I've always thought it was because it was mythical
and dragons and he doesn't like it.
Do you know what his actual reason is?
I don't know.
And I was irritated because it makes sense.
He just went, oh, no, mate, no,
I'm never going to watch any of all that stuff.
I don't know, it's dragons and mythical and stuff
and all that warlocks and swords and that.
And he went, no, no.
He went, I just don't like stuff that's outside.
And I went, what do you mean?
He went, it's just all outside.
They're always just outside walking to a castle or something for ages.
And whenever you watch it, they're outside.
And I just don't like stuff where they're outside.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm not.
I can't have that.
That's ridiculous.
Carl, that is.
I don't like stuff.
I don't like stuff that's outside.
Where they're outside.
That's troll mother.
What's happened to him?
What's happened to him when he's a kid? He just doesn't like stuff they're outside. That's Trollmother. What's happened to him? What's happened to him when he's a kid?
He just doesn't like stuff that's outside.
So anything...
But then, like, it doesn't even have to be set in there
or mythical or anything.
If it's outside, like some war...
He won't watch war films and some war films
because they're outside.
So at least he sticks to it, right?
He doesn't like it when everyone's outside.
So what films are inside?
Loads of films are inside
it turns out
he just doesn't like it
when they're outside
but there is
a lot of scenes
when they're outside
yeah but I think
he just thinks
I imagine
you know like
if it's on like
the DVD cover
and they're walking
over a hill
he's like
I'm not gonna watch that
he's a fucking lunatic
he's got a genre
oh he's got a genre
a bad bitch genre
yeah
unbelievable
okay
I'm about to tell you
the worst, most psychotic thing
he's ever done in his entire life.
Right, so we're doing
a full little section of call.
I mean, I do,
I have a lot of love for a call.
Of course, it was unbelievable, right?
So, I didn't know about this.
Right.
We stayed in a Manchester hotel
on Thursday night,
Wednesday and Thursday night.
I don't know which night
it was that he did this.
I believe it was Wednesday.
He didn't tell me about it
until Sunday.
He went, look,
I did something really fucking weird
and I need to come clean. It's a long time for him not to tell you yeah he needed to come clean with us
so i was sitting having a drink on sunday night and he came clean with us so he had an adjoining
door his room was adjoined to another room by a door a stranger yeah oh it was thursday and i
actually could because uh 7 45 thursday morning the first night we stayed there he was woken up
by the man in the adjoining room
who was having a business phone call.
And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, send it over.
Just having an obnoxious business phone call.
Carl obviously got woken up by this.
He was very upset.
Did he knock on the guy's door?
Did he say, please don't do that?
Anything like that?
No.
What Carl opted to do, which was,
it is one of the mentalist things he's ever done
he got back that night after we'd done the gig and been out and stuff he must it must have been
about one o'clock in the morning on midnight so this is the night of the night morning yes
the night after the morning the guy had woken up carl got his phone right and went stood right next to the
adjoining door for this guy's room right put a ring on his phone and then stopped the ring so
it was like someone was ringing him and went like i like started started this phone call and he's
going he's well listen listen i'm gonna fucking kill you i'm gonna kill you right i'm gonna
honestly i'm gonna when i see you i'm gonna kill you but i love you i love you right i love you but i'm gonna kill you i will kill you honestly
i honestly you ever do that again i'll kill you but i love you and it went on for ages and i went
call i went why why and he went oh just like so he thinks there's like a nutter in the room next
to him and i was like well there is a fucking nutter in the room next to him because he did
that and i went call i went you know how horrible and aggressive that sounds it
sounds like you're like having like a horrible phone call with like your wife or your girlfriend
is that he went what what i went it sounds like a domestic abuse that he went no no i went what
were you trying to make it sound like he went i was trying to sound like a mafia boss.
I went, what do you mean a mafia boss?
He went, oh, so like he loves the guy because he's been in the family for a while.
Like he loves him, but he's going to kill him.
See what the problem is?
He's not seen enough of the films.
Because they're all outside.
Very good.
Doesn't have enough ref.
That's ridiculous
mania
full mania
kind of
I could get the whole
ringing
doing the ring
sounding weird
maybe just
waking him up a bit
yeah
but yeah
the aggressive sort of
unbelievable
mafia boss
he's never grown up has he
when I said
it sounds like a domestic abuse thing
he was really shocked
and devastated
and he went
no mafia boss
and then he said
believe it or not
oh
I'll probably owe that guy
an apology
Jesus Christ
he's fucking lost
he's lost his mind
he's lost his mind
incredible
he's on tour now
yeah
go
go say him
he's alright
babadoo babadoo
babadoo
bah
you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway the visionary Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bop. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece,
Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.
For tickets, visit tso.ca.
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Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH,
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sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisech Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six.
It's the mark of the devil.
Movie of the year.
It's not real.
It's not real.
Who said that?
The First Omen.
The Impeders Friday.
Gets it gets now.
It's time for What's Your Beef?
What's Your Beef?
Beef, beef, beef, beef.
Ladies first?
Yes, please.
Come on then.
So at the minute, whenever we have an argument
and you know that you are wrong, but you've started.
Brilliant.
And I retaliate and I answer back.
You then say to me, not in front of the kids.
Have you noticed that?
You go, Rosie, no, not in front of the kids.
But actually, if you knew that you were right
and the argument was going to go somewhere
and you were going to be right,
you don't give a shit about the kids.
You only choose to care about arguing in front of the kids
when you are in the wrong
and I think you're out of order
and I think it's not on
and I've noticed it so pack it in
right okay in my defense i don't barrel and think it's going to be an argument
i say something without thinking and don't realize you're going to take massive offense to it
and then while you're busy taking offense to it i try and quickly go look all right i'm sorry i'm
sorry just don't like bollockers in front of the kids like last night yes when i made your tea yes and you had chicken on your plate
and you turned to me while you're eating your chicken going there's bones in this and honestly
chris what i could establish with that bone make it yourself so ungrateful and so which dad which
i said back that's so ungrateful i've literally made you tea and then you went you went you went
no you didn't say sorry you didn't say sorry. You didn't say sorry.
You went,
Rosie,
no,
not in front of the kids.
Same thing.
You prick.
You honestly,
you prick.
Not in front of the kids
because I've started something,
you've retaliated
and now I'm saying
not in front of the kids.
Not in front of the kids
is an apology
and you have to take it.
It's not an apology.
I'm joking.
I'm very sorry.
It was very,
very thoughtless,
rude,
and ungrateful of us and I do apologise
and it turns out
it was the nicest
bloody bone I've ever
chewed on in my entire life
good I'm glad
right what do you have
for me
sorry
my beef with you is
you came to watch me
this weekend
I did
in Harrogate
yeah it was great
it was really good
thoroughly enjoyed it
and then you came
you stayed in my hotel
my hotel room
I always say my hotel room it was our hotel room but I'd been there the night before as well that uh you stayed in my hotel my hotel room um i always
say my hotel room it was our hotel room but i've been there the night before as well that's the
only reason i said my hotel room it's not got anything to do with the story my hotel room is
your hotel room sweetheart right i mean i don't it was your hotel room i came and stayed with you
you came and stayed with me what's this got to do with anything the next morning uh i woke up about
half past seven it's quite warm warm in that room i uh i went to the toilet quiet as a mouse uh i woke up about half past seven it's quite warm warm in that room i uh i went to the
toilet quiet as a mouse uh i came back and i lay there and i thought oh christ body clock with the
kids and stuff i was like i think i'm up now oh god i'm up i eventually nodded back off to sleep
nice and silent you didn't do anything didn't wake you up nothing like that um i woke up at
half eight half eight you woke up you must have been on your phone for a little while someone
like that you must be on your phone for something or whatever.
Because then at about nine o'clock, quarter past nine.
Half nine.
Half nine.
You obviously wanted me up.
And you just opted to go.
And I went, what?
Shit.
And I woke up and I went, what?
And you went, I just wanted you to wake up.
And it was evil.
Evil.
You could have just. Half nine. You could have just gave us a little tap and said, Chris, it's half nine you could have just
half nine
you could have just
gave us a little tap
and said Chris it's half nine
we might miss breakfast
not
oh so it was the way
in which you got woke up
not the time that you got woke up
yes it was
I fucking jumped out of bed
I thought you were being attacked
alright I'll not do that again
you're a fucking lunatic
she's trying to be a bit fun
keep you on your toes
it was horrible
alright fair enough
it was horrible
and I'd half forgot it you know
i'd half forgot it because i was so half asleep and i was like oh are you all right love you all
right you went yeah i just wanted you up and i was like that's weird and then later on in the day i
feel like i coughed though i didn't do that no no you literally were like
it was horrible honestly woke you up though didn't i oh woke us up all right i was fucking
bounced out of bed half nine ready for action
that's bloody late
again
just give us a nudge
just give us a nudge
it's half nine
love we'll make
miss breakfast
it's half nine
you don't want to
sleep too long
I mean I did want
to sleep too long
I was on tour
I was not going to
have been shite myself
two days ago
I had to go home
I had to go back
and get the kids
could you not
just left us a note
fair enough
I will next time
next time I know that
I like the idea
that I'd wake up That I'd wake up
And I'd open the note
And the note would just say
Hey
Babadoo babadoo babadoo
Back
It's time for
Questions from the public
Questions from the public
Public
Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba
Public
Guys as always
If you want to get in touch
Shag by the doi
At gmail dot com
Rosie
Take it away
Oh yes
Thank you very much Chris
Lovely to hear from you.
Dear Chris and Rosie,
long-time listener and first-time emailer.
Always lush.
I just want to say,
if you're a long-time listener
and you haven't even emailed in yet,
but you think you might have something,
why not?
Why not?
What have you got to lose?
Nothing.
Keep me anonymous.
No one needs to know.
Anonymous is out there.
Honestly, you can shit yourself and tell them
and no one's going to know.
Hey, look, I'll send you a T-shirt.
You can be in my club.
The Shitty Pants Club.
My club.
I've recently got my boyfriend to start listening
and we are both totally obsessed with the recent ick section.
Yes, fantastic.
I really love the ick section.
Love the ick.
I've got an ick about the girls.
Okay, come on then.
Girls who just take 25 million selfies and pout.
Can't bear it.
And just stand in the middle of like
a social situation
yeah
and they'll just take selfies
and you're just like
what?
I feel so embarrassed
taking a selfie
do you not feel as well
when they're standing doing it
and there's like stuff going on
and they're just standing doing it
loads and loads
do you not feel like
you can sort of hear them going
me
me
me
look at me
me me you're like alright right man forget you look fantastic fucking hell yeah i'm
talking i love a selfie but i just find it it's just a bit much there's a level in there there's
a level my boyfriend and i have been together for three years and lived together for a year
and i can safely say he's the most strange and disgusting person i've ever met sounds like a
keeper great loving to bits but he's fucking weird.
Yep.
Aren't we all?
Okay.
I felt I needed to email in today to share the newest ick I have discovered.
So this is about a boyfriend.
Oh, excellent.
So this is weird because it's usually somebody who you don't know yet and you're just like,
blech.
Wow.
I generally tend to get up first and have a shower as he refuses to get up until I have.
Very annoying.
Weird.
Oh.
Do you think it's because he's got a stiffy?
What?
Oh.
When does morning glory not become embarrassing?
Unless you're having sex in the morning.
I don't know.
It's very...
The odd morning, you don't have it and you're like,
I'm broke, what's going on?
Oh, do you not?
Yeah, the odd morning.
Is that because you're getting older? Hey, hey, hey. No, it is though, isn'm broke, what's going on? Oh, do you not? Yeah, the odd morning. Is that because you're getting older?
Hey, hey, hey.
No, it is though, isn't it?
Now, hey.
It is, isn't it?
Nah.
Oh, this is totally off topic, but Kate messaged us, my Kate.
She was listening to the podcast last week.
Oh.
Right.
Right.
So, you can't sneak off and have a vasectomy because I've got a sign coming.
I knew it was going to be about vasectomies.
Say that again.
I've got to sign something.
You've got to sign something. I've got to sign something when you get a vasectomy. Apparently
she had to sign something because we're married. It's like a contract.
So you can't just, no, you can't just sneak off and have a vasectomy
and then, because you never know, right? Some blokes might get married but never
want kids but then say to the woman, I'm desperate for children. It's all I've ever
dreamed of and she's like, oh, and then the and he's got had goes and have a vasectomy wow and they can't
get pregnant actually yeah okay well i'm i'm not telling you now sex with maids in hotels this has
happened so then i think what's happened is they've brought in this law where the wife has
to sign something to be like right okay i'm okay with this wow half my sperm anyway yeah i mean i definitely need a
lawyer up by the sounds of this listen you got one of my ovaries right i've got one of your ball
sacks that's how it works she's a doctor she is a doctor half everything okay as long as you don't
ever collect then that's fine um okay so you have to come with us apparently so so now i mean i
can't be asked i don't likesed I don't like the idea of it
you
right okay
you aren't worried about
getting the actual procedure
no
you just don't want to sit
in the waiting room
I don't want to sit in the waiting room
with all the other sad men
who are just
about it
their lives are about to be over
and I do not want you
keeping track
of my wanking
I'm not going to keep
track of your wanking
you will
you laugh your head off about it
you'll be like
outside the room
going
what are you doing in there I'm on the toilet oh you know I bet you have one of your wanks You will You laugh your head off about it You'll be like Outside the room going What are you doing in there
I'm on the toilet
Oh you know
I bet you have one of your wanks
How many is that now
Bloody what have I got
I have 23 wanks
Or something in three weeks
Listen I'm not lowering
My wank amount
Right
Listen yes and no
You're saying that
But at the same time
I'll be like
Oh once he's finished
Them wanks
Oh god
Game on
I'll be devastated
I'll be putting you
Off them if anything I'll be devastated. I'll be putting you off them, if anything.
I'll be like, oh, save yourself.
Sorry.
Don't.
I need to research it,
because I find the whole thing terrifying,
from start to finish.
Well, I've got to just hurry up,
because I'm not taking the pill again,
and I'm not getting a coil.
You don't have to.
I've done it my whole life.
Right.
Hormonal stuff.
Honestly, I know we're open. Look at this, hormonal stuff I want to be honestly I know we're open
look at this I'm free
I'm clean
I know we're open
but I feel like this is a conversation
to be had once we press stop
Rosie
fair enough
fair enough
and definitely not
when Holly Willoughby
or any other TV personalities
are within fucking earshot
right
honestly
yeah then Holly
when did my
when did my balls
become public property
that's what I want to know.
I'll be like, Holly, then he has to get a condom,
but the condoms aren't in the room,
so he has to go and get them from the bathroom.
Is that your ick?
And then his little arse wobbles when he goes in the bathroom,
and then, oh, it's disgusting.
That's offensive.
That's offensive.
Like him out of Sex and the City, the old...
Oh, don't you dare.
The guy with the big fucking saggy arse.
You take that back now.
I don't get offended by many things.
You take that back. I've got get offended by many things you take that back
I've got a lovely bum
I've got a lovely
perc bicycle bum
that is such a good scene
it's an incredible scene
such a good scene
the maid's waiting outside
no no
the maid's waiting outside
for all the stuff
she literally runs out
and the maid just
hands her her shoes
because she's been waiting
because she knows
everyone's going to run out
it's great
and the maid loves him
doesn't she
the maid doesn't want
anyone to shag him
I can't remember
look spoilers
oh how am I?
It's a 25-year-old.
I'm joking, right?
Oh, it's so good.
Anyway, okay.
He won't go in the shower until she's been in.
Okay.
So I showered and then continued to go about my morning routine.
He then got in the shower and I heard a strange buzzing.
I went to investigate and saw him mauling his flaccid penis around,
shaving off all of his pubes.
Wow. He was pulling his ball bag out like a piece of stretchy rubber and neatly and methodically trimming his hairs off he then
rinsed his puby electric razor in the shower head above him and got covered in pubes Jesus Christ
How long was she there?
Well it's too long
Although quite a simple act
It was honestly the most upsetting and sickening thing I've ever seen
I think it's because he looked so pleased with himself
Please keep me anonymous
As I am a secondary school teacher
And I don't want the kids
to take the piss out of me
for having such a weird boyfriend
oh god
but do you
she's right
she's right
the shower heads are
above him
so he holds it up
like he's
like he's looking at
something in the sun
yeah
and then he's just
got covered in fumes
I think what's made
I feel a bit ill
is the
batwing
I can see him
he's gonna be his shoulders are gonna be over and he the bat wing I can see him he's going to be
his shoulders are going to be over
and he's pulling out his skin
and then he's doing it
and looking at it
he's pulling the bat wing out
she should have walked out the room
there's certain things
you don't want to see
she was there for a while
wasn't she
she was proper
I took it all in
there's a PS here
it's raining pubes
oh
hallelujah
it's raining pubes
yeah yeah
every colour
yeah
black ginger blonde and grey I love singing.
It's his PS.
I've just read this to him
and he told me to get rid of the fact
he got covered in pubes
and told me to,
and I quote,
make it nicer.
What, are you made mate, a fucking editor?
Didn't say don't send it in.
It's like when we were writing our book with Penguin.
Just make that bit nicer.
Make it, please.
Hello, I've just stopped at the Strensham.
Strensham?
Strensham Services.
I've never ever heard of Strensham.
Okay.
Don't know where it is.
I think I know where it is.
It's on the M5.
All right then.
On the way to see friends in rugby.
Yeah.
Yeah, rugby.
And want your opinion on something I've just witnessed.
Okay.
Services are my absolute stomp and ground, so let's do it.
Okay.
Right, okay.
You're going to be very opinionated about this.
I was doing away in one of the cubicles, and as I came out, so did the man in the cubicle
next to me.
Uh-huh.
I noticed he was holding a McFlurry, which he put down on top of the sink after taking a big spoonful and washing
his hands oh my god the more i think about it the more it is bothering me he was 100 having a shit
in the cubicle next to me if fucking stanky's put whilst holding and potentially eating a McFlurry. Idiot.
Is it clean slash safe
slash normal? Eat food in the cubicle
whilst dumping. Utterly disgusting.
It's utterly disgusting.
So in the past I have took a cup of tea or coffee
to the toilet in our
own house. A service station.
Have you? I never took anything.
We've talked about it on here before. Possibly. I'm sure we have.
But now and then I don't really do it that here before possibly I'm sure we have but now and then
I don't really do it
that much anymore
because I don't really
take that long
to go to the toilet
but can't wait for me
I'll probably take
a flask of coffee up
when I get me
vasectomy wanks
on the go
anyway
that's by the by
a service station toilet
is one of the worst
most putrid
fucking disgusting places
you could ever be in
I went
I mean can I name and shame here?
Because I honestly feel like they need to kick up the backside
because it was rotten.
Which one?
Weatherby.
Weatherby services, your toilets are the worst.
Not the ones in the actual place.
I mean, they're pretty bad.
No, they're all right.
But they're temporary at the moment.
The ones, oh yeah, they've still got the cute little.
Yeah, the ones in the forecourt.
The ones in the, yeah, in the petrol station.
I was stood in the queue buying some Mentos,
Fruity Mentos, right?
And it was the Greggs bit.
Yeah, there's a Greggs bit right next to the toilet door.
Oh my, I could have vomited.
Yeah.
I could have vomited.
And then, annoyingly, I needed the toilet
and I was like, I'm going to have to go in there.
It's the worst.
Vile.
It's the absolute worst.
Horrible.
And another story, when I was sat in the loo,
I haven't told you this,
I thought someone was having sex in the cubicle next door.
Right.
Genuinely, I was like, this is interesting.
Right.
I wasn't disgusted.
I was like, I want to hear this.
Instead, I was like, what's going on?
Oh, service station cubicle sex.
I know, horrible.
All I could hear was some girl.
She was like this.
Right, like that.
And I was like, what the hell is going on?
So then I went out and I was washing my hands and then she came out she was just absolutely mortal all right she was drunk i thought you're
gonna say she was eating a pasty no no no do you know when you do you know when you're mortal drunk
and you just make a noise make noises because you're just mortal and you're just like yeah
you're breathing your breathing takes on sort of yeah a form of its own
that really
turned a corner
anyway yeah
Weatherby
love Weatherby stations
in general
I think the actual
big ones great
Weatherby is the busiest
services on the planet
yes but it's good
come rain or shine
any time of the day
it's fucking heaving
like Alton Towers
car park
back to this guy
can I just say though
it's the men's toilet
it's always the bloke's toilet
yeah yeah yeah of course
that absolutely
are lifted it's never the women's the women's aren't that bad it's the men what do you do
just piss everywhere oh god it's vile yeah fucking troughs and yeah oh every bloke's toilet in every
pub in i've stopped eating in some places you know because you can smell the toilet yeah some
nice places that i've thought, this is nice food.
I like the ambience in here.
Hang on, someone's just opened the men's toilet.
Not coming back here.
Totally agree.
I totally agree.
So what have they got to do to get rid of it?
I don't know.
I don't know.
All I can say is,
this guy eating his McFlurry in the service station toilet,
the piss and shit particles of every single person
who has visited that toilet in that week will be in your McFlurry in the service station toilet, the piss and shit particles of every single person who has visited that toilet in that week
will be in your McFlurry.
You dirty, dirty lunatic.
I'm all for sitting, wanting to eat your McFlurry,
having a little relaxing shite.
You should have had your shite, washed your hands,
then went and got your McFlurry.
That is absolutely mental.
I went into the services the other day.
I haven't told you this.
One of the strangest things I've seen,
and I don't know why,
bloke standing at the urinal, having a a wee one hand he's got his dick other hand
holding his toddler really strange it was really straight i walked in and it was just like a guy
pissing i could see his back and over his shoulder looking at me was a toddler oh because he had the
toddler holding him and he's left oh sorry he wasn't stood so no no no he had him yeah but and i totally get it because as soon as you put him down the toddler holding him and he's left handed and he's pissing. Oh, sorry, he wasn't stood, so he was actually... No, no, no, he had him... Yeah, but...
And I totally get it because as soon as you put him down,
the toddler tried to touch things.
And I remember when I took Robin into the public toilets once,
he just grabbed a hold of the bottom of the urinal.
Oh, he didn't.
He grabbed a hold of the urinal like it was the bottom of a slide or something
and I went, fucking put your hands in the air like a surgeon
and we're going to wash your hands now.
Did you scrub his hands?
Of course I did, yeah.
Oh, God, I'm not going to touch his hands for a little while.
It was so strange.
The guy's just holding this kid and he's pissing. i just looked and i looked at me too i managed i went
why is that weird he went i don't know but because he'll not been with these if the i don't know
yeah he'll be on his own yeah and again if you put the touch everything the touch the walls and
the floor and stuff as well that could be a gay couple yeah exactly so they're both in the cubicle
all the time yeah yeah yeah have they put more baby changing in men's toilets recently?
That's a good question. I don't know. Because they should
shouldn't they really? Yeah but
this isn't the platform. I know I'm just putting
it out there. Hey look I got
a free box of Werther's Originals.
People are listening to this Chris.
But just for stuff like Werther's Originals I don't think
they're going to change any policies on our opinions.
Let's get some Lens. Although then again if your toilet's fucking
do something about your toilet stinking man come on. know but hey i also had a good idea about uh the
water fountains and soap remember june covid oh yeah the terrible idea you had about putting water
fountains and soap on every street corner well i just think people need to wash their hands more
stupid idea yeah don't you think people need to wash their hands 100 but i don't think that's
going to do it all that's going to do is people are going to piss in it and they're going to steal the soap.
That's that.
Oh, God.
You can't have an out.
No, you can't have anything.
Especially not a water fountain on a street corner.
No.
Oh, that's a shame.
Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah!
Hello, Rosie and Chris.
Another little food one here.
I was listening to episode 164
while I was at the gym
at 6am this morning.
Yes, I know,
I'm trying to be one of those people,
but I'm too in love with wine.
Wow. Had to tell, though, didn't you? Had to tell you were 6am at the gym at 6am this morning. Yes, I know. I'm trying to be one of those people. But I'm too in love with wine. Wow.
Had to tell though, didn't you?
Had to tell you were 6am at the gym.
Oh, yeah.
Didn't need to put the time in there.
But well done you.
You smug twat.
I've been going on the peloton quite a lot.
I've been trying my best to go on nearly every day.
It doesn't always happen.
I actually thought to myself,
because we've got a busy day tomorrow,
and I was like, right,
we'll get Robin off to school. Rafe goes to nursery i was like i could rave gets up at
half five and i was like you know what if you get up at like half six or whatever i could go on then
yeah couldn't i just can't bring myself to do it it's horrible early morning early morning exercise
it's like you're in a different body right i can't bear it i know people do it because you've got to
sort of work a bit harder but yeah if you exercise in the evening, you've got all that.
I mean, I'm not a scientist here, but my opinion with my body,
all I know is exercise in the evening, I can do it much easier
because I've got all the energy and the sugars and food from during the day.
Same, same.
Morning, empty stomach, fucking hell.
Hard.
It's like running in a nightmare.
No, but I can do it at nine o'clock, but half six is just something.
Yeah, it's early in it.
Am I trying?
Should I try it?
No. No. Because definitely in that sentence you said I had to get up at half six and I'm not up yet.'s early, isn't it? Am I tried? Should I try it? Er, no.
No?
Because definitely in that sentence
you said I had to get up
at half six and I'm not up yet.
Yeah, alright, okay.
Is that why?
That's why I can't do it.
Great.
Great.
You were talking about
strange snacks to eat
when you're out and about
and it reminded me
of a recent trip
to Asdaib Holden.
Oh.
Our old haunt.
I popped in on the way home
for an emergency wine.
The sun was out
so I opted for a few bottles of rosé blush.
Got you.
She is loving giving us her life story.
Fucking TMI, love.
I'm joking, I enjoy the details.
So do I.
Anyway, whilst shopping the aisles in four-inch heels
after a long day looking like a raging alcoholic on a mission,
I couldn't help but notice hearing this one family
having a full-on domestic.
I wasn't sure which aislele it was coming from,
but they were not happy.
Oh.
Okay.
As I turned the corner,
I realised the full-blown argument was indeed
because each one of the four-person family
had a full, large, cooked pizza in their hands
munching their way through it
while trying to do the food shop.
Go and fuck off.
The mum was furious because they'd run out of hands to hold the items she was desperate to purchase
i can't get right i can't get on board with anyone buying a full pizza during the day
i can't get on board with it i don't know why i know i was where was i the other day i was
manchester or somewhere and someone was walking along yeah i was in manchester on friday and
someone was walking along it was about it was about one in the afternoon quarter past one the
afternoon and then walking down the street with the pizza box with the full pizza and something
about this just went no i want to take it off them and go no evenings only and i know i know
what you mean i know i'm totally i mean people have a sunday dinner in an
afternoon i know it's not because i don't know what it is about it but i wanted to go absolutely
not i kind of get where you're coming from sun needs to be going down and then you can have your
first bite i'll keep this fire it's a takeaway isn't it it's a takeaway dinner i don't know what
it is i don't know what it is well would you eat a curry for lunch no again i wouldn't but i don't
know if that's just my personal would you eat it would you eat like a full takeaway chinese for lunch i would never get a full takeaway chinese anyway but no
i definitely wouldn't eat one for lunch definitely wouldn't eat one for lunch this might just be us
but i totally get away i don't know what it is again it's just them daft rules that you impose
on your life but pizza full pizza at lunchtime not you would go to pizza ah no yeah yeah i would
go to pizza 100 i would also make pizza on the pizza oven so
pizza in a box bought from a place that sells pizzas in boxes evenings only evenings only
why do i sort of agree with you which is so annoying yeah we would go to pizza hut or pizza
hut express and we would get a full pizza for lunch and nothing anything of it but you're
absolutely right i'm so annoyed at that so annoyed that I agree with you
yeah
or
take it off them
right
walk up on the street
hi you don't know me
I'm Chris Ramsey
I've decided you only can have this
on an evening
unless you put it on a plate now
and get yourself a knife and fork
and only have a couple of slices
at a time
eat the full thing
but just
not out of the box
oh god I don't know what you mean
but yeah
so they were walking around
a supermarket
with a full pizza reach.
Well,
Asda Bolden,
it's one of the big Asdas
and you can buy
like full cooked chickens.
So now,
I haven't been for a while.
I know that they do
their own toppings,
the pizza toppings,
which are quite...
I don't think they cook
the pizzas there though.
I think they might now.
You never know.
I genuinely think they might.
Or they might have got it.
There is a pizza hut
around the corner.
They're eating full.
All the family of four
are eating full pizzas each
I respect it
this Laza said
I was dumbfounded
like literally
couldn't believe it
I had no idea
that you could get
a cooked pizza
at a takeaway
slash and or
eat whilst in store
in Asda
is this a new thing
on almost being Asda
is this a northeast
thing and it says
I'm originally from
southwest but moved
to Horton five years
ago I mean a few people were looking but mostly people just cracked on with their shopping
like this was totally normal what the fuck would love to hear your thoughts
so i feel like if you've got one of them trolleys that at the bottom of the trolley like the third
the opposite end of the handles they've got that little section where i don't know what that
section's for i think well personally apple fruit and veg in there right well i've got absolutely
no idea i don't know i don't know if that's right i. I think, well, personally, I'll put fruit and veg in there. Right, well, I've got absolutely no idea what that section's for.
I don't know if that's right, but that's what I do.
I feel like you could balance the pizza on that.
I feel like you could balance a pizza on that.
And what? And eat it while you're going round?
Just push a trolley round and then one of you can use your hands.
Because they're all standing with a pizza.
But then, yeah, who's...
Well, one person has to put their pizza on there and push a trolley.
But then when you want a slice, you've got to stop the trolley,
walk all the way around the trolley and get one essentially off the bonnet.
Chris, I don't even think they've got a trolley or a basket they've just
got i think they just all got a pizza each whether it's in a box or not i don't know i can just see
them holding the probably pizza and all eating it like like not even sliced just eating it whole
kicking a box of cornflakes along the floor to the till
the man's got a bistro gravy under her arm
come on kids
dad's got some
bananas on his
shoulder
just the
grimmest thing
ever like
I'm all for
eating a pizza
but sit down
sit down
I absolutely
love it
do you know what
I haven't done
for a while
what
I haven't done
it for ages
actually I did
this so much
with Robin
but I didn't work when I had Robin,
so he used to come to the shops
with us all the time.
Just when you walk around
with a French stick,
like a baguette,
and give it to a bane.
Yeah.
Oh, my God!
Rafe hasn't done that much.
I haven't told you this.
What?
I was in the supermarket
the other day.
Yeah?
So I'd done some exercise.
I'd had quite a healthy lunch,
I think, with you,
and I went out to go shopping,
and I was walking around,
and I had such a hankering for something sweet.
Oh my god, what have you done?
And I pushed all the way around and I got right at the end and I got to the bakery
and they had Belgian chocolate cookies, white sorry, white chocolate, white Belgian chocolate
I think, cookies individually wrapped and I'd already scanned it on me little scan and
go thing, boop!
Oh yeah.
So I thought, I can probably just eat that.
So I'm walking around eating this cookie and I walk past two of the ladies who were standing at the self-scan tills.
And one of them was like, hello.
And I went, hiya.
And the other one like looked at us and looked at the cookie.
And I panicked and I went, I've already scanned it.
I'm not doing anything wrong.
And I shoved it in my mouth.
I don't, I won't, I won't, I won't do anything wrong.
There's nothing you can do.
And I hoisted it in my face. There's not, I mean,, I won't, I won't do anything wrong. There's nothing you can do. And I hoisted every fist.
There's not.
I mean, you're cementing yourself there.
There's nothing you can do.
How guilty did that sound?
Well, I hate it though.
Because every time the kids are open,
like a multi-pack of Quavers
and they have a pack of Quavers.
And then when I'm going through, I'm like,
they ate some.
Sorry.
They were absolutely starving.
As you stink in a Quavers, breathing all over a woman. They. They were absolutely starving. As you stink in a quaver
as breathing all over a woman.
They ate some.
Absolutely starving,
a.k.a. I didn't pack anything
and I'm a terrible mother.
So please let me burn off
with eating a pack of crisps.
There's nothing you can do.
But I've never done it for me,
personally.
Awful cookie.
I've only done it for the kids.
Loved that cookie.
That's quite,
I don't think you're allowed to do that.
Well, did it.
And as I told them,
there's nothing I can do.
And what did I do?
Did I walk around
confident
no I walked around
terrified for the next
five minutes
thinking she was going
to come and stop us
and she never did
so I got away with it
got away with it
thank you for listening
to this week's episode
of Shag Mardenoid
which is part of the
Acast Creator Network
yes thank you so much
as always if you want
to get in touch
it's shagmardenoid
at gmail.com
and we'll be back
in your ears
all over your face
oh
down your top
and that as well
and just a tiny bit
into your trousers
next week
why are we
I don't know
why are we horrible humans
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I apologise
please come back
please come back
bye
bye Bye. Bye. Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director
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Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers
of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring,
followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition
of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder.
April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.
For tickets, visit tso.ca.
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