Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 214. Spirito Di Punto
Episode Date: April 21, 2023On this week's podcast Chris and Rosie get nostalgic for 90's adverts and have to get siblings involved for some clarity. There is some fantastic missed heard lyrics, a sample fiasco and a terrapin st...ory. All of this plus the couples weekly beefs. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.
Witness the birth of evil.
It's all for you. No, don't.
The first omen.
I believe the girl is to be the mother.
Mother of what?
Is the most terrifying.
Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.
Movie of the year.
It's not real. It's not real. It's not real.
Who said that?
The first omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none.
Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre
in Hamilton at 7.30pm.
You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats
for every postseason game
and you'll only pay as we
play. Come along for the ride and
punch your ticket to Rock City at
torontorock.com
Hello there, you are listening to
Shag Mary Renoy, the podcast with me
Rosie Ramsey and me husband Christopher
Ramsey, like why aye?
Right, is this because there was some... Right, okay, so we watched the Raoul Mote thing on ITV last night.
It's very good.
Very good.
But obviously, we're from the area,
so we spot the ones who are the real Geordies
and the ones who are just putting the Geordies on.
The rest of the country can't spot it, let's be honest here.
I think they are all northern.
Right. But obviously, when jordy's
go on the telly you have to see everything properly like well that's the thing isn't it
we wouldn't normally see all of these words so basically instead of going sort of a little bit
posher what they do is they go more jordy but they do it slower and they add all of the words
of the sentence which we would never see Whereas normal people from the North East,
we like to cut out some sentences and the ends
and take the I-N-G off words, like shopping.
But they will say shopping.
They'll say shopping.
And it makes them sound drunk.
And taking.
And going.
Fucking stupid-ing.
But it's very good drama so far.
Oh, God.
I mean, what an awful, awful story.
Our mate, isn't it?
Our mate, Neil Gr Our mate Neil Granger.
Neil Granger's in it.
Apparently he gets even more to do in episode two and three.
Oh, good, because there was a scene where he didn't say anything
and I thought, Neil, man, get on with the directors.
I was like, there should have been a close-up there.
I was like, we need a close-up on Neil's face here.
We didn't get it, but apparently he does more in episode two and three.
If you don't know who Neil is, he played Javis in Heaven.
Have I never told you about it?
Right, I was thinking about this last night after I watched it
first of all
we've only seen episode 1
they did do that thing
that they do on all the
on demands
on your iPlayers
and your all fours
and your ITVX
or whatever it's called
but at the end of the episode
they always go
you know it's on tomorrow
or you can binge them all now
and we both looked at the clock
and went
10 o'clock
you're fucking joking aren't you
you're looking at me
for this shit
and we went straight
back to bed
but that's because
we've got kids
and our lives
are essentially over
so we're only
we're doing it
old school
we're doing one episode
might do one a week
you know who will
have watched it all though
yeah
Sandra
yeah oh Sandra
Sandra will have
stayed up and watched
the full thing
yeah binged the whole thing
but told her she was
asleep by night
and then told her
she was up at 5 in the morning
walking
I go for me walk
you don't you're lying
you're in your dress and going, eat me easter eggs
can I tell you something that's happened?
oh sorry, put the flag in the Sandra story
right okay, let's just write down
oh Jesus, oh God
oh here we go
the thing I was going to tell you about
Neil Granger who played obviously when I was
the sitcom I was in where Vic Hughes plays
my dad, written by the fantastic Jason Cooke
is back on iPlayer if he wants to say it so obviously uh neil granger
played gervais who was the he was the club singer yeah in heaven he's very much a comedy character
yeah um we were your dad reminded me of this recently so when i was on my stag do that your
dad constantly talks about yeah yeah which he absolutely loves apparently night, I can't remember because I was steaming,
but apparently we were in this club
or this bar or whatever in Albufeira
and we're pissed hammered
and these girls turn around
and they're like,
oh my God, it's Chris Ramsey.
And they're like,
oh, and they want photos and stuff.
And for a laugh,
one of them went,
where's Gervais?
Is Gervais not with you?
And apparently I turned around
and went, oh, there he is.
Just because Neil was on me
and they fucking lost it apparently
they were like
it was so random
he's there
you know the other story
my dad always says
that he was
no so
they went for a curry
one night
and I can't remember
what happened
but Neil had to borrow
some money
or lend some money
off my dad
and I can't
I don't know why
I think he left his
oh he left his wallet
left his wallet
in the room
and basically said
my dad was like do you mind and he's like i'm financially embarrassed i'm financially embarrassed
my dad has just kept that story going for so long dad has never forgot the phrase financially
embarrassed best thing he's ever heard can you imagine the faces embarrassed so it was it was
your dad and he's too uh i mean i'm not being horrible here they're older gentlemen and my dad
was there with his mate they're're all older Geordie gentlemen,
all sitting around the table.
Can you imagine the reaction
when a southern ass said,
I'm financially embarrassed?
I would have given anything to be at that table.
When the mummy dad talks about it,
it must have been quite a raucous night.
Well, he just went,
I'm financially embarrassed.
They must have laughed for five minutes
when he said financially embarrassed.
You're what?
Embarrassed?
Yeah, ridiculous.
But yes, the rowboat,
what's it called?
The Hunt for Raoul Mort?
It's on ITV.
Oh God, I cried a couple of times last night.
I mean, it's very good,
but we were around when it happened.
It wasn't actually that long ago.
Yeah, I remember where it was.
I remember exactly where it was.
It was on the news.
It was crazy.
Pretty gripping when it was on, wasn't it?
Yeah, it was intense.
It was horrible.
My partner at the time,
so he talked about ex-boyfriends. Talking about your ex again? He was a police officer. when it was on wasn't it yeah it was intense it was horrible my partner at the time yeah yeah started to talk about
ex-boyfriends
talking about your ex again
he was a police officer
so I got all the inside
all the inside goss
I miss that do you
what
honestly
nice guy
I don't want to ever
slag ex-boyfriends off on here
because my mum
sometimes my mum
messages me
and she's like
you shouldn't be saying that
about ex-boyfriends
what if they're listening
and I'm like
well one there won't be and two I don't ever say. What if they're listening? I'm like, well,
one, there won't be,
and two,
I don't ever say anything that bad.
He was a nice guy.
Just not right for each other.
But the stories
that he used to tell.
Oh, I've heard the stories.
Oh my, they were brilliant.
I might go out with him
if he's up for it.
You should.
I might start seeing him.
Or any copper.
Just the stories, man.
So good.
So interesting.
Horrible job.
Fair play.
Big love to all the coppers out there
oh everyone everyone there's always amazing stuff teachers amazing stories big shout out
nurses and doctors amazing stories big shout out you're all you're all you're all doing the shit
that we could never do so thank you for that and you're all the main jobs and fire fire fire as
well yeah you're there as well and you're all the ones that kids want to be because he's a coolest
fuck uh yeah what were you gonna say about your mom oh it's actually not that interesting cool so it is no no it is no i do go on i know
just you know i said a while ago my favorite thing in the world is having a cup of coffee in bed that
you've made for us yeah and sitting in bed having a cup of coffee i have to admit if you come
downstairs to get the coffee and take it back up the shine's taking off it isn't it massively it
has to be brought to you i just think a cup of coffee lying down in bed is fantastic.
I like to be up and about, but carry on.
Vile.
My mum and my auntie Kath were talking the other day,
and they now do that, I think.
And I don't know if it's a recent thing,
because I don't think they would ever admit to it,
because they're that generation when they would never admit
to getting back into bed after they've got up.
Right, okay.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
I know what you mean, yeah.
Why?
What? I get out of bed, I make make my bed i do three piles of ironing and then i i wash all
the dishes and it's literally it's half past six and i've i've done everything and everything's done
that bed's made of my teeth that bed's made of my teeth are brushed by quarter seven yeah get back
in the bed oh never never so they admitted it the other day and i didn't say anything at the time but i thought are you doing that just because i said it's the best thing in the bed. Oh, never, never. So they admitted it the other day. And I didn't say anything at the time,
but I thought,
are you doing that just because I said
it's the best thing in the world?
Yeah.
And now you feel like you can actually admit it.
I was proud of them.
Wow.
Genuinely proud of them.
Yeah.
So well done, you lazy slags.
Getting back in the bed.
The old laziness apple
doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?
Oh, God.
Well, there you go.
Hey, this is the introduction.
It is, it is.
Guys, without any...
Listen, again, I any, listen, again,
I never, ever, ever
want to skirt over
the genuine thanks
that you guys are here
and still listening
to this podcast
and still enjoying it.
We absolutely love you.
Thank you.
So every single week,
again, I'm going to
touch on it again.
I don't care.
Every single week,
I'm astonished that we're
up at the top of that podcast chart.
On everything.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
There's a lot of podcasts out there. There fucking millions yeah uh and and and you continue making us one of the biggest
in the country so thank you so so much we really do appreciate it uh but obviously gotta pay them
bills sponsor time so it's episode 240 in this time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor
this week's sponsor is soft-close toilet seats.
Oh, the business.
Hey, hey, hey.
Do you want your toilet seat
to glide down silently and softly
after you've done shits or piss?
I do.
Yeah.
Honestly.
What about six?
Yeah, it sounds good, yeah?
Does that sound good to you?
Yes, please.
Yeah, it does.
But do you also want to make
the most noise in the world
when using toilets that don't have a soft-close seat?
Oh my God, the one downstairs.
Yes, you do.
Literally, every other toilet you use
will be violently slammed to within an inch of its fucking life
because you are a prick who's only used to your toilet.
Aren't you?
You're only used to it.
You'll do it.
You'll do it in other people's houses, won't you?
And you'll, boom, slam it. You go people's houses won't you and you'll slam it
and you go
sorry
I've got a
soft cloth
one at home
which just
does it
it just makes
you sound like
a massive
bellend
question
yeah
sir
about your
brand
did we
as children
have soft
clothes
or just
clothes
toilets
don't think
soft clothes
is a thing
imagine living
in our house
it would have
been water
on your toilet and you'd ram it down as fast as you can yeah you'd just closed toilets don't think soft closed is a thing imagine living in our house it would have been what's wrong
you'd go to someone's house
that had soft closed toilet
and it would be
what's wrong with your toilet
and you'd ram it down
as fast as you can
you'd ram it down
we've got a soft closed
toilet seat
we've got a couple
of soft closed toilet seats
in this house
one downstairs is broke
when you use the one downstairs
the fucking noise
when you slam that
it reverberates
around the whole room
what does that forget
I forget
yes
I do the same
and I have a piss
and you do the little flick
flick
wow
ears fucking pop
it's that loud of a noise
me fucking ears pop
have you thought about
fixing it
busy
busy
busy writing this shit
busy writing this
no I got this emailed
from soft closed toilet seats
yeah
do the slogan
you ready for the slogan
do the slogan
I love the slogan
soft closed toilet seats a giant fuck you Do the slogan. You ready for the slogan? Do the slogan. I love a slogan.
Soft closed toilet seats.
A giant fuck you to all of our toilets.
Nice.
Stop doing pump noises.
That's childish.
Empathetic.
Pack it in.
With toilets?
No.
Spitting all over the mic as well.
Play the jingle.
It's my mic.
God damn it.
It's our mic. Here's all over the mic as well. Play the jingle. It's my mic. God damn it. It's our mic.
Here's the jingle.
Both our mics.
We had a fight about the jingle, jingle.
We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle.
So this is the jingle, jingle.
We hope you like the jingle, jingle.
Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.
Jingle! Jingle! Hope you like the jingo, jingo. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingo!
Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married, Annoyed.
Hello.
Thank you for coming back.
Hello, thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
How are you this week?
I'm really good.
I'm in that week in between periods.
Yeah, we all know, we all know.
I'm alright, yeah.
I know people might think that we go on about this a bit much, but it literally does dictate the entire mood of your life, doesn't it?
I'm currently having a lot of issues.
Yeah.
I think I got a bit of a disorder going on.
Yeah.
Going to try and get it sorted.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a disorder where our accent drops into a Southern American accent
when discussing something serious.
That's the one. Just go, oh, God, one just go i gotta go to the doctors about it anyway let's talk about something else
feeling like i don't really didn't want to divulge this but here christopher and i know
we share a lot on this podcast but sometimes something's to be a little bit private and i feel like this might be in the
cash oh no it's gone weird now it's gone it's gone it's gone where i'm going where do i live
am i in boston i want no no no that's greek that is stop yeah we did it went weird it went weird
anyway look yes so i'm gonna go to the doctors because genuinely think uh i've got something
wrong with us.
Something going on with me.
Hormones and all that kind of shit.
I call it bi-fortnightly chronic arseholery.
Yeah, something like that.
I do believe what it is.
Honestly, Chris, as soon as I bleed,
I'm me again.
Well, you know.
Put that on a t-shirt.
Get that on a t-tall.
Okay, now.
Soon as I bleed, I'm me again.
Blood by Rosie Ramsey.
I'm going to write this down.
It's like an order to a lad.
Soon as I bleed, I'm me again.
Au de parfois.
By Rosie Ramsey.
Rosie Ramsey.
No, I've got it.
As soon as I'm me.
As soon as I bleed, I'm me as soon as I bleed
I'm me again
sharp
by Rosie Ramsey
eau de parfum
sharp
she's got herself
from the vat
she's got a vat
squelch
squelch
oh no
come on
come on
you've gone all dirty
I love that
eau de parfum
eau de parfum
oh god
that's one thing
that's really stuck
all the way through the 90s
perfume and sort of eau de toilette after shave adverts Oh God. That's one thing that's really stuck all the way through the 90s.
Perfume and sort of eau de toilette aftershave adverts.
And car adverts.
No, no, no.
But specifically, I mean, they're complete fucking gobbledygook.
Yeah, they've never bothered changing their brand, have they?
They just always never make any sense.
And there's always just a famous person on a fucking horse or some shit like that. Literally, if you now or later on try and remember or maybe even pause this and go on your whatever device and
look at lee mac lee mac's got an old stand-up routine about uh perfume adverts it's fucking
amazing it's like but she is a camel but she is a chicken but i love it and it's so good
it's like gobbledygook but they've stayed yeah fucking um i keep seeing the johnny
dead posters for the savage one oh. It's him playing a guitar
in a desert with wolves.
You go,
whose fucking acid flashback dream was this?
Mental.
Christ alive.
It's like a six-year-old wrote it.
You sounded like Sarah Milligan there.
Did I really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, it's like,
it's like Robin, our son.
Oh, we're going to do an advert.
I want to play guitar.
I want to be playing guitar
with wolves in a desert.
And him off
Pirates of the Caribbean
it's ridiculous
yeah it is
it's insane
but they've kept them
they've kept them
utterly fucking stupid
here's a question
what's an advert
that's just always
stayed with you forever
from being a kid
oh god
can I go first
yeah
Nicole
Papa
oh
I know Cleo
spirits at the punto
oh it was a punto
it was a punto
when he got his hat
And he literally
Every time I've got a hat on
In the summer holidays
I get it on my arm
And I'm like
Spirit at the Punto
You're going to tell me
It's the wrong advert
Aren't you
Have I amalgamated
Two adverts
I've just got a funny feeling
Nicole
Papa
I'm sure they were
Renault Clio
But okay
Well maybe I have
Anyway
Nicole
Papa
Renault Clio
Nicole Papa.
There's the fucking door.
So what?
Get out.
So what?
There's it.
So what?
Was there a spirit?
You got any more lies from your childhood?
You got any more misremembered shit?
Was there a spirit at the Punto?
Yeah.
Totally different advert.
Oh, mother.
Totally different advert.
Well, there you go.
Absolute.
Do you know what my favorite?
It's only two cars then.
Do you know what my favorite one was?
Yeah, yeah.
My favorite one was Nicole It's only two cars then. Do you know what my favourite one was? Yeah, yeah. My favourite one was Nicole, Papa, microchips.
That was my favourite one.
Nicole, Papa, you do the shaking back to bring the freshness back.
You do the shaking back to bring the freshness back.
Nicole, Papa, spirited to put no.
Nicole, Papa, that's Esther Price. Nicole Papa. Spirit of the Punt Law. Nicole Papa.
That's Esther Price.
My favourite one was,
Nicole Papa would rather have a bowl of Coco Pops.
If you weren't shitting phrases
and remembering stuff
we'd have no content
on this you know
it would just be
hello
what's your beef
questions
I put a pound in you
and I just let you go
I'm a bit embarrassed
the fact that
I've been telling people
for years
that's why
I'm just
you know when you joke
I just love
I love you always say that you joke I just love I love
you always say that
you go I've been saying that loads
like if canvas
like if canvas
like you put flyers out
and posters out
with you and that
like Friday morning
when this podcast goes out
your phone's gonna go mental
like phone got texts
and
hey you
hey
you might not remember
but you probably
haven't got me number saved
it's your ex
I was a copper
you said
you said it was
spirit or depot
or Nicole Papa.
Have you any,
have you any idea
how fucking much of a fool
you've made of me?
I'm not even joking.
There's a lot of times
in social situations
when people look through us.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like in the,
and then they kind of laugh a bit
and I think,
oh, all right, okay.
They're a bit rude.
I think it's just
because I get everything wrong.
So for years,
every time I wear a hat
every time
right because I'm not even joking
I do the
spirit of the punto
Nicole
Baba
and thinking that
it's the same fucking advert
it's not
it's two different adverts
I don't even think
there's something to do
with a hat on this advert
I think it's
completely made this up
they do the fold hat
we used to break
I'm bringing Kate
no we're not
no we're not
no we're not
getting more
misremembered shit I'm bringing Kate no... I'm ringing Kate. No, we're not getting more misremembered shit.
I'm ringing Kate.
No.
Kate.
I'm ringing her.
I'm watching the advert.
Hang on a minute.
Yo.
Hello.
Yo, yo, yo.
Just dead quickly, we're doing the podcast.
Do you know when we were kids,
did we used to roll a hat up our arm
saying Spirit of Depunto?
What? Why do you do this? Kate. When we were kids, did we used to roll a hat up our arm and sing Spirit of the Punto? What?
Why do you do this?
Kid.
When we were kids, did we roll a hat up our arm and do Spirit of the Punto?
I don't remember doing that, Rosie.
Was that not one of your friends?
I'm ringing Kevin.
Love you.
Was that not Nicole Papa?
Okay.
Bye.
I'm ringing Kevin.
Where the fuck did I do this from?
I'm going to ring your sister to see if she's as stupid as you.
Kevin might remember.
Kevin's not going to fucking remember.
Kevin's not going to pick up.
Hello, my lover.
When we were little, just dead quickly, I'm doing the podcast.
When we were little, did we used to roll a hat up our arm and say,
Spirit of the Punto?
a little. Did we used to roll a hat up our arm and say Spirit of the Punto? Did we roll a hat up our arm and put it on my head and say Spirit of the Punto? Yes! Was it from
the advert? Yes, Spirit of the Punto. Didn't we do it? Every time you had to have the hat
right, you'd roll it up your arms that's why
spirit of Den of Bundo
there you go
I knew you'd remember
I knew I could count on you Kev
I've got a wicked memory Kev
I know
you haven't arrived
you're not there
you didn't ring his back like
oh sorry
I shall ring you back properly
once we've recorded the podcast
I'm just getting my tools
at the van right spirit of Den of Bundo spirit of Den of Bundo oh Kevin hang on I shall ring you back properly once we've recorded the podcast.
Okay.
Spirit of the Punto.
Oh, Kevin, hang on.
One more thing.
Nicole?
What?
Nicole?
Nicole?
What?
Nicole?
Fucking hell, this is beautiful.
Oh, yeah.
Adios, senorita.
Papa.
All right, bye.
Love you, bye.
Okay, so. I don't know what happened there.
Spirit of the Punto. He just there Spirit of the Punto
He just shouted Spirit of the Punto
Goodness me
Me Grandad of Punto
Right okay
Go on
I'm currently looking for a Spirit of the Punto advert
Have I told you
It's 2001 that can't be right
Speaking of me Grandad's Punto
Have I told you what used to be
Speaking of me Grandad's Punto
I must have mentioned this on the podcast
I'm sure I have
Yeah
The little Jesus hand
that they used to use for spreading butter
on like sandwiches and that.
Right, right.
I have talked about it before.
I don't know if this...
It weirdly rings a bell,
but I don't know if it's such a shock
that me brain's just logged in long-term memory.
They used to spread butter with a Jesus hand.
Sometimes when we went on picnics.
Right.
There was a little Jesus hand in front of me granddad's car. Right. And we used to use butter with a Jesus hand. Sometimes when we went on picnics. Right. There was a little Jesus hand in front
of me grandad's car. Right. And we used to
use it as like a knife.
Why was there a Jesus hand?
Catholics? No it doesn't make any sense.
Why was there a Jesus hand? Why was it just a hand?
You can't just say Catholics.
You can't just say Catholics.
Like sometimes people have Mary
statues and we just had Jesus' little hands.
No one has Jesus' hands
We did
How were the Jesus' hands?
Did they have holes in them?
No
They were just pretending
They were like fake hands
But they were like Jesus
Like I will follow him
Were they not
Are they one of those praying hands?
Yes
So not Jesus' hands then
Praying hands
Right
They weren't Jesus'
Fucking hands
So they were hands that were praying
To Jesus and God.
Yeah.
Right.
And in the car, where?
On the dashboard.
Classy.
How big were these hands?
Like tiny.
Like the size of a little finger.
The size of a little finger.
Okay.
Just enough to spread it.
And so bread was often brought and butter was brought,
but knives were forgotten.
May have only happened a couple of times. Straight to the car to spread them with the hands. So bread was often brought and butter was brought, but knives were forgotten. So don't worry.
May have only happened a couple of times.
Straight to the car to spread them with the hands.
Yeah.
Ah.
I love that.
You're like, why do you have Jesus' hands?
Catholics?
You're Catholics who spread butter with Jesus' hands?
Yeah, why, I?
Loaves and the fishes and the butters.
You wouldn't understand.
God.
Oh, spirit of Ripon, oh.
Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.
It's time for What's Your Beef?
What's your beef?
What is your beef?
Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef.
What's your beef?
You go first.
Me first?
No.
I don't know.
No, no, you've said it now.
You go first.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
I'm going straight in. Yeah, go on. Dry. How don't know. No, no, you've said it now. You go first. Yeah, yeah, okay. I'm going straight in.
Yeah, go on.
Dry.
How I like it.
Been upsetting me, this.
Right.
I've been...
I've been tainted on the chin
and I've been going along with it,
but I feel like it's...
I feel like it's a bridge too far.
I feel like I'm being oppressed
and I'd like it to stop.
Right.
You have
banned me from pooing in our en suite
and you've banished me to a different toilet in the house
that I have to use all the time.
And at first, you know, I thought,
oh, I get to poo in a different toilet.
This is exciting.
And then a few times I've pooed in the different toilet, right?
And I've thought, I don't want to be pooing here.
I want to be pooing where my shower is
so I can just poo and then jump straight in the shower right
and then I thought
I just hit a real low point
in my life
the other day
where I actually heard myself
say it to you
I heard myself say the words
can I please poo
in my own toilet today
I'm in a hurry
right
and you went
yes
right
for some reason
and I thought
what has
my life
become
I don't want to sleep next to where you shit.
But you're allowed to shit in there.
It doesn't smell as bad.
Wow.
There's something going on.
Wow.
There's something going on.
Wow.
With the sewage system or something.
It lingers for a long time when you shit in there.
If it can't be the sewage system then,
if it doesn't when you do it.
Could this just be a case if you think that your shit smells like, well, if it can't be the sewage system, then if it doesn't, when you do it. Could this just be a case
if you think that your shit
smells like roses
and you think mine doesn't?
I know you'd like to think
your shit don't stink,
but roses really smell like
perfume.
Great.
No, your shit,
I mean, listen,
I don't want to get too
disgusted, Dan,
but yeah,
yours are a lot worse
than mine.
And yours linger,
they linger, they linger.
Linger on.
I think you'll find I drop and flush.
So I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't know.
It just upsets us.
Because the bed's really close to the bathroom door
and I sleep on that side of the door.
And I just don't want to...
You sleep on that side of the door.
Must be uncomfortable.
Eh?
Eh?
Eh?
I sleep on that side of the bed.
Papa?
Eh?
Papa, did you put on a coat? Fool. uncomfortable eh eh eh I'll sleep on that side of the bed Papa Papa eh Papa can I
can I please
stop
honestly how
privileged you gotta be
sorry you gotta go to
one of your other
bathrooms
listen I don't
fucking care
I've got to go to
the other bathroom
who have you become
who have you become
you're the one
banishing us like
fucking
I don't wanna sleep
next to your shit
particles
I flush them away can I just say I very rarely I very rarely You're the one banishing us like fucking... I don't want to sleep next to your shit. Particles.
I flush them away.
Can I just say, I very rarely defecate in the toilet.
Right, okay.
Oh, God.
Okay.
First world problems.
You're the first world problems. Where are your poo in?
Both of them.
Pull your pants up and walk to your shower.
Or shower in the main bathroom.
No.
No.
I will shower
right next to where
the pooing's being done
to get rid of the badness.
Oh for God's sake.
My beef with you
it's actually not
it's not that bad
but I'm very upset
that you haven't seen Top Gun.
Yeah I haven't seen Top Gun.
I thought
I just thought
I knew everything about you.
And then
I said to Chris
the other day
I was like
I want to watch the new
Top Gun
the Maverick one,
because it just looks mint.
We were on the one show
with two of the people in it.
Yeah, yeah.
Remember?
Remember, Maris?
And I was like,
I'd love to see that,
and I said to you,
we need to watch that
when we're away this week,
and you said to me,
I've not seen the first one,
and it was like a stab in the heart.
Well, listen,
that's why we haven't rushed
to see the second one.
Guys, it just passed us by, man.
You did media studies.
You literally did film and media studies at university.
Yes, funnily enough, it's not a very fucking academically quoted
and researched and sort of written about film.
It's Top Gun.
It's an action film.
Bloody beautiful film.
Yes, I imagine it is. I imagine it is. But, you know, it's a bit more, we did all the action film bloody beautiful film yes I imagine it is
I imagine it is
but you know
it's a bit more
we did all the
arty farty stuff
in film and media
right so now
am I just going to
watch it on my own
which is fine
no I'll watch the first one
I will watch it
well can you do it soon
because I want to watch
I don't like being pressured
into watching films
right well listen to me
I'm not waiting around for you
right
but I don't know
if I definitely want to
watch it yet
Thursday night
no because we're going
on holiday
we're going on holiday
this year
and I don't want to watch anything planes crashing so I'll Thursday night no because we're going on holiday we're going on holiday this year and I don't want to
watch anything
planes crashing
so I'll get scared
they're not real
they're like
fighter pilots
they're not
fucking jet too
what if they're coming
at us
what if they're coming
at our plane
stop making this
into some sort of
weird dad joke
just watch the film
alright man
on your own
and then
we'll watch the next one
the next one's meant
to be even better
than the first one
I've heard
I've heard it's very good I've heard, I've heard.
It's very good.
I've heard it's brilliant.
I heard Steven Spielberg went up to Tom Cruise
and grabbed his arm at some kind of awards thing
and said, your film, Top Gun 2, single-handedly saved cinema.
I've heard that happened.
No way.
Yeah, apparently so, because the cinema was dying a bit,
especially after the pandemic and stuff.
And then Top Gun 2, he came and got his big Top Gun Top Gun 2
dick out
and slapped it all
slapped it all
of a cine world
and everyone ran in
and opened their mouths
and let them
the analogy's gone
basically
do you want to tell everyone
your Super Mario quote
they told me the other day
Super Mario quote
oh it's the
the fact
most commercially
successful
computer game
computer game
adaptation movie
in the history of the world.
Nice.
So there you go.
But to be fair
all it had to go up against
was fucking Tomb Raider
and Resident Evil
and they're both
a load of horseshit.
There's not many.
Wreck-It Ralph?
Oh that wasn't a game was it?
Yeah.
Does Wreck-It Ralph count?
It still smashed that.
Kind of.
It was a game.
I find it sad sometimes
that I love the cinema
and I'm like
oh no the cinema
they're going to shut.
I don't really go there often
full of cunts that's why
I talked about it last week
full of cunts
having popcorn everywhere
burnt and farting
standing up on their phones
moving around loads
shouting
talking
fuck them
wait till it comes out
wait till it comes out
I've got a cinema story actually
good
oh fuck
good right
good good good good good
so there's the beefs
fuck you
I'm pooing where I want
today's the day
right don't I will poo wherever I want I'm gonna shit right. Fuck you. I'm pooing where I want. Today's the day. Right?
Don't.
I will poo wherever I want.
I'm going to shit right here on this desk.
I'm not bothered.
Don't.
That's awful.
I'll shit in your mouth.
Shut you up.
Oh God, that's horrible.
I'm sorry.
Isn't it mad that some people like that?
I often think that.
You know people who like pissing and shitting and stuff
and put it in sex.
If they go into a public toilet,
are they turned on if they can smell shit and piss?
Oh God.
There's a question. Or does it have to be
the shit and piss of someone they fancy?
Do you know what I mean? Can you give them a cup of piss and they go
hold on, is this from a minger?
I watched a video
just this morning actually
and it was a lady
and she was like one of the oldest call girls
or something and she was talking about
a story where somebody...
Sorry, that's not an act a lady want.
I'm not being horrible here, but you...
Hello, do you have a call girl?
Yes, can I have the oldest one, please?
Certainly, sir. She's on her way.
Do you have a stairlift?
Sorry.
Sorry. Sorry, that's terrible.
Well, she seemed like a very lovely lady,
and she said that someone once asked her
to shit in the mouth
in her mouth
in his mouth
shit in his mouth
and she was like
I can't do it on demand
and he was like
it's okay
don't worry about it
can you
could you just
do it beforehand
and put it in a sandwich
and I'll eat it
in front of you
and she was like
yeah
in a sandwich
like what
has that even that's not What? That's not even...
That's not even sexy.
It's not even yet.
It's just disgusting.
Do you know what the worst bit is, though?
Do you know what I heard?
I saw the same thing.
You know when she shot in the sandwich?
Did you see it?
Yeah, when she shot in the sandwich,
she spread it with little Jesus hands.
It was so, so blasphemous.
Oh, God.
Stop. I'm going to find the video of it no no thank you
Of evil.
It's all.
No, no, don't.
The first omen.
I believe the girl is to be the mother.
Mother of what?
Is the most terrifying.
Six, six, six.
It's the mark of the devil.
Movie of the year.
It's not real.
It's not real.
It's not real.
Who said that?
The first omen.
The Impeders Friday.
Get tickets now.
Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th
when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre
in Hamilton at 7.30pm.
You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats
for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play.
Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at Toronto rock.com.
Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever?
Join the sunrise challenge to raise funds for CAMH,
the center for addiction and mental health to support life-saving progress in
mental health care. From May 27th to 31st,
people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental
illness and addiction
that they're not alone.
Help CAMH build a future where no one
is left behind. So,
who will you rise for?
Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca
That's sunrisechallenge.ca
It's time for
questions from the public!
it's time for questions from the public
guys as always
if you'd like to get in touch
it is shaggedmoudanoid
at gmail.com
please continue to send us
all of the stuff
all of it
stories
everything
x
the lot
do it
everything
everything
we've actually
for some reason
oh it must be
because of the TV show
we've had a massive
influx of emails
phenomenal
there's like 59,000
in there
oh my god
I know
that's amazing
thank you
and that's what they're filtering through
thank you
thank you so much
and obviously as well
please do
click subscribe
and whenever you're listening
to this too
I didn't
no do
because it's good
they're busy
they're busy
stop
are you actually stupid
are you actually stupid why you actually stupid stop it
tell them to subscribe ask them nicely to subscribe i mean you've got to come on it does
help when you're listening to a podcast it does help because then you get the next episode you
don't have to keep going back but at the same time i'm always very aware of how busy you are
i'm thankful that yeah now he's asking you to do extra shit all the time yeah but i want you here
every week i want you here every week that's all i'm asking i'm not i'm not advertising anything
you are i'm not fl not advertising anything else this week
I'm not flogging anything else
you're robbing school
what do you mean
oh half term
have a lovely holiday
enjoy it
read seven books
and do 19 million questions
which is good
because he's done
none of those things
I know shit
oh god
he's done nothing
he'll be alright man
no
oh he's seven man
what are you going to miss
he's done no homework
away man
away man
seven do you know what I might email his teacher and say I'd be alright, man. No, I... Oh, he's seven, man. What are you going to miss? Oh, wait, man. Oh, wait, man. Seven.
Do you know what?
I might email his teacher and say,
he's not done his homework,
but he has learned how to wee
in a place in the garden
so none of the neighbours can see him.
That is...
And that's teaching...
Life skills.
Life skills.
Survival skills.
Yeah.
Andy Waters, the plants.
Horticulture.
It's everything. There we go. It horticulture it's everything there we go
it's everything yeah wild weas botanist little botanist in the making phenomenal
he's like can i weigh in the garden i was like as long as you find a spot where nobody can see you
yes good man what's that physics geography there's A bit of physics. Light. Light. You know, light refraction and angles.
Maths.
Angles.
Oh, hey, look at us.
Look at us.
Best parents ever.
Come on.
They were fucking eating me dust, Kanye West,
opening your Donder Academy.
What have I got?
We haven't spoke about Donder Academy on here.
We did it on Extra.
We did it on Extra.
Guys, if you're not aware, dead quickly, Kanye West opened a school called Donder Academy on here? No, we did it on Extra Extra. We did it on Extra Extra. Guys, if you're not aware,
dead quickly,
Kanye West opened a school called Donder Academy.
Fuck me.
I've got a funny feeling
it's closing now.
Just do a bit of research on it
and enjoy it.
It is psychotic.
It's a Donder catastrophe.
That's what it is.
Donder-dastrophe.
Oh, I tried.
I tried.
Do an email.
No, you still want
his weakest link
really
catchphrase
still want me to
come on
because
I actually half
want you to do
catchphrase
just to see
Stephen Mulhern
trying to even
hold his nice guy
nice guy persona
together when you
press the buzzer
700 times
the problem
I wouldn't
press the buzzer
birds on a man's
hand
and more
more in a hedge is that it is it birds on man hand and more in a hedge?
Is that it?
Is it birds on man's hand,
more in a hedge?
What is it that you're trying to do?
Bird in the hands with two in the bush.
Oh, I'd say now.
What?
Didn't even get it from that, did you?
No.
Okay.
Couldn't do it.
No.
Couldn't do it.
Rubbish.
Right.
Hi, Rosie and Chris.
I hope you're well.
Are you well?
Very well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I recently heard a story
That we now refer to
As the story
Phenomenal
And pull it out
At every pub trip
And dinner party
But it belongs on SMA
It could even be
A Rosie's Mysteries
Mysteries
Mysteries
Let's do it
The story started
With a friend
Shit
A condom
A bag of hair
Dead cat
A ghost
Sorry I was trying
To make guesses Immediately Good good see chris is very
good on panel shows i am horrendous the story started with a friend of a friend and in brackets
it says bear with me okay who works a reception at a sexual health clinic in nottingham excellent
one day a young man comes in looking really shifty and deposits a steamed up tupperware on the
reception desk i mean then sorry
and the worst is that five words deposits are steamed up that is the worst five words
i've ever heard steamed up depositspperware. That's one of
the worst collection of five words I've
ever heard in my life. Continue.
When a story's got that in, I'm already buzzing.
Well, so he deposits it and then
stops in deposits and then
immediately runs out the door. That's weird.
The staff, pretty taken aback,
open the warm Tupperware
Why would you do it? To find
Oh, fuck me. Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Do you want to guess? Steamed up Tupperware. Why would you do it? To find... Oh, fuck me. Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries.
Do you want to guess?
Oh, God.
Steamed up Tupperware.
It's a sexual health clinic.
But does he think it's a place where you give your spunk over?
Or is it spunk?
Is it spunk?
Are you going with spunk?
Would it steam it up?
Oh, you'd have to be warm.
You'd have to be really warm.
Steamed up Tupperware.
I'm going to go with used condom.
That was one of my first guesses that I shouted.
I just shouted used condom earlier on.
I thought, I'm going to go with used condom.
All right then, okay.
The staff, pretty taken aback,
open the warm Tupperware to find
a hot jack of potato covered in cum.
It wasn't until the third bite that they realised it wasn't mayonnaise and it was cum.
Oh, stop.
Oh, why?
Everyone is obviously confused.
But luckily the man has put his name on a label on the box,
so the staff go into their records and find his name.
Turns out,
he had been asked to bring in a sample for testing but the PDF instructions
had been photocopied too many times
and lost some of their detail.
Fuck me.
So where it should have said
keep the sample warm in a jacket pocket,
it only said
keep the sample warm in a jacket pot.
Fuck off! That's ridiculous for this man jacket pot could only be oh god i love that i love that much. Thank you so much to whoever sent that in.
I just love jackpotatoes.
You dirty slug.
Do you imagine me in that and being like,
really, is that what you have to do?
Jacket paw.
Jacket paw.
Just hide it in your jacket paw.
Could they have used that sample?
I couldn't use the fucking potato, I tell you that.
No, but could they just have scraped it off the top?
Very much.
Why has he not put it in a little bottle
you'd put it in a bottle
in the jack of potato
oh yeah
just jizz all over
a fucking jack of potato
but I mean people are stupid
some people are very
very stupid
well I mean
in his defence
it did say jack of pot
there's no
wait my first thing
there is no defence
it would be
if you said to me
what does this say
without everything else
I'd go
jack of potato
because I love jack of Potatoes.
I wouldn't think Jack of Pocket.
What was it for?
Why does he need a sample?
What's he doing?
I don't know.
God knows.
It's probably going to be a dad.
Congratulations, sir.
It's a fucking...
It's a potato.
It's a Jersey Royal.
It's a pee pee new potato
horrible
horrible
babadoo babadoo
babadoo
hi Chris and Rosie
I've been a huge
SMA fan since the start
although I admit
I've missed a couple of weeks
after recently having surgery
and stuck with nothing to do
I thought
no excuse
now's my time to listen
to the missed view
no listen
it is no...
That is not an...
For you, I'm joking.
I'm joking.
I hope you're okay.
Hope you're recovering all right.
Listening randomly,
I'm currently listening to episode 14.
Oh, so...
Just must be listening to them
just in no order at all.
Oh, God.
That's horrible.
It's pretty cool to think
that you could do that,
but do we back reference much?
Not all the time
I don't think
good for you
you mentioned
Rosie's misheard
lyrics
of like a prayer
oh Jesus
well episode 14
took on a life
of its own
didn't it
if you knew
the pod
when I was younger
I used to think
that at the time
when Madonna says
let the choir sing
I thought it was
let the choir sing
I thought it was
French
honest to God and I thought I would tell the choir sing right I thought it was French honest to God
and I thought I would
tell you about mine
so I'm not the only one
who's done this right
when I was younger
I used to sing for my
sister and my friend
and at the time
one of my favourite songs
was Aaliyah
Try Again
okay
yeah do you know it
pick myself up
and try again
toss myself up
and try again
try again
try again
if you're first
you don't succeed first you don't succeed and you could toss yourself off and try again try again try again first you
don't succeed
first you
don't succeed
and you
can dust
yourself
off and
try again
oh it's
quite annoying
actually isn't
it
just a little
well done
well done
I really
thought the
words were
right
earth you don't cecile I really thought the words were Right Ursuline
I also thought this was French
So there you go Get yourself up the tray again.
Oh, God.
So there you go.
Hurs you don't so seal.
It is mad, isn't it,
how when you're younger,
you pick a noise,
you pick a noise,
and then you hear the actual words and you go, oh, no, okay.
But you just pick a noise
and you go, yeah, that'll do it.
That'll be me noise.
My sister and my friend
still rip me to this day for it.
Brilliant.
Hurs you don't so seal. it brilliant it's when you sing it
in front of someone else
and they go
sorry what
what are you
what are you saying
turn the music on
say that slowly
say that slowly now
Urs
you
don't
Cecile
if at first
you don't succeed
don't count
oh god
babadoo babadoo
babadoo babadoo
Hi, your question from last week about the person
Who had their bag checked on the way out of the zoo for snakes
Reminded me of a story from my dad
My dad always tells this story of when he was younger
He got a terrapin as a pet with his girlfriend
Okay
Is it a turtle?
A terrapin is a little turtle
Little turtle
They'd had it for a while
and I think they just
got a bit bored with it
as a pet
sorry two seconds
it's just because you know
how everyone gets annoyed
it's like
it probably isn't
an actual little
but it's like
it's not a tortoise
that lives on land
it's a turtle
it's a kind of
amphibious shelled
yes
I'm so worried
that someone's going
yes
not a
I'm Dave Terrapin from Terrapin Incorporated
and your blanket statement about Terrapins
being the same as turtles is offensive
to Michelangelo, Rafael Leonardo and Donatello.
Well, I was going to say,
in the 90s when the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
was popular,
everyone went out and bought a Terrapin.
Right, well, there you go.
Well, the Terrapins is what...
So there you go.
Sylvester Stallone's got Terrapins on Rocky. Oh, right, okay. So it meant in real life. Yeah, anyway, yeah a terrapin right well there you go well the terrapins Sylvester Stallone's got terrapins
on Rocky
oh right okay
so it meant in real life
yeah anyway
yeah terrapin
they've got a little bit
red on them I think
a little bit red on the face
oh Chris I don't care
oh right okay
great
so they got a bit bored
of it as a pet
nice
as it doesn't do much
fucking
does it even fucking
know karate
ninja
ninja my arse
He's not touched his pizza
He's not touched his pizza
High five
Oh thank you
He's not touched his pizza that might be
right
I don't mean to put a time frame on this
that might be the funniest thing
you've said for about six months
great
great
he's not touched his pizza
six months
easy
maybe more
we've had a lot on
it's been stressful
right
so
so we've got a terrapin
got bored with it
because it doesn't do much
now I just googled
how long terrapins live
and apparently
they can live up
to 30 years
yeah
again
Sylvester Sloan
still got the ones
from Rocky
oh fucking hell
yeah yeah yeah
right so not knowing what to do with it but wanting to get rid of it my dad came up with the idea Again, Sylvester Sloane's still got the ones from Rocky. Oh, fucking hell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.
So not knowing what to do with it, but wanting to get rid of it,
my dad came up with the idea to take it to the zoo.
Him and his then-girlfriend took it in a shoebox to the local zoo in York,
went into the reptile house, snuck the terrapin into the enclosure
as it was the one with an open top.
They got away with it, and we still can't believe he did it.
He always says he regrets not putting a little mark
on the shell so he could go back and check
if it was still there.
Just dropped off his little terrapin at the zoo.
What a dick.
It probably died almost immediately.
Why?
Probably killed by something else in the tank.
I don't know, but I'm catastrophizing here.
I mean, it's better than just flushing it down the toilet or something, though.
Just.
Yeah, I mean.
Go into the zoo with other terrorists.
You could have said to them.
You could have said, look, I've got this.
You could have.
I mean, I suppose.
Back in the day, you'd have to put an ad in the paper, wouldn't you?
You can't.
Yeah, it's not like nowadays.
I got offered a tortoise the other day.
Huh?
I got offered a tortoise the other day.
Who of?
My mate.
Why?
Because he's got a tortoise for his kid. And then he's like, oh, the kid hasn't bothered with the tortoise. Do you want a tortoise? And I who of? my mate why? because he's got a tortoise for his kid
and then he's like
oh the kid hasn't bothered with the tortoise
do you want a tortoise?
and I was like no
who has it?
Chad
absolutely not in a million years
don't you dare come home with a tortoise
okay
look if the doorbell rings in the next half an hour
just ignore it
you would
you actually would though
no I said no
I actually said no
yeah the old me would have took it
but I actually said no
could have been tortoise guy though.
Oh God.
Could have been tortoise guy.
Wow.
Someone called us bike guy
at the trampoline party the other day.
I was buzzing.
You haven't been on your bike for a month.
I'm going to go on it now soon.
Now.
This day.
Now soon.
May.
This day.
I'm on it now.
The weather's coming back.
The bike weather's coming back.
I'm very excited.
That is true.
Take the kids with you.
Nope.
Yeah, take Rafe.
Nope. Take Rafe Rave. Nope.
Take Rave.
Nope.
Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.
Can't stop singing
Ursula Don'ts a scene in my head.
Ursula Don'ts.
I can't stop singing it.
Have I mentioned the Eminem lyric
that I used to get wrong?
Because all I've got now in my head
the whole time since we've been doing this
is Ursula Don'ts a scene
that I've just got in my head.
I'm singing it now in my head
as I'm saying these words, which is really annoying um did i ever tell you eminem
lyric i got wrong and it confused us so much back in the day no i don't think so um so i think it's
i think it's uh real slim shady i'm slim shady yes um yeah yeah yeah we all know this yeah but
what in one of the lines it's a vanilla ice don't like me said some shit and vibe in vibe
vibe must be the magazine vanilla ice don't like me said some shit and vibe to spite me right and
the next line is then went and died his hair just like me that's the line right vanilla ice don't
like me said some shit and vibe to spite me then went and died his hair just like me then went in
then went in dale winton i thought it was dale winton when i was listening when i was younger and i was listening so I thought it was Dale Wynton when I was listening
when I was younger
and I was listening
so I thought it was
Vanilla Ice don't like me
said some shit
and vibed to spite me
Dale Wynton died
he's here just like me
and I remember thinking
I thought we had reference
like even as
I was in the comp
and I was like
one at the time
obviously Dale Wynton
rest in peace
but at the time
I was like
he's
I don't think he's got
blonde hair
no no yeah
he's not alive now is he bless him but he was when the song came yes but I'm not saying that
I'm saying in my fucking hell I'm saying he's dead now I'm not taking the piss out of it but
I'm saying at the time I remember thinking I don't think he's blonde but how does Eminem
how Eminem and Dale Whinton got beef you just never know what the hell's going on here honestly
some odd there's some weird celebrity mates.
I just thought
he might have been
on a celebrity
supermarket sweep special
and he might have counted,
you know what I mean,
might not have counted the stuff
and he's basked properly
and got annoyed.
Right,
maybe.
When Elias don't like me,
says some shit and
vapped to spite me,
then Witten died his hair
just like me.
It sounds a bit like it,
doesn't it?
It does not.
Then Witten died his hair.
Bill Witten died his hair
just like you.
He dies hair however he wants, you bastard.
What are you having a go at him for?
Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.
Hi, Rosie and Chris.
We recently had our first child in Bracketshires.
Eight weeks now.
Congratulations.
After four days of labour,
she was eventually delivered by four sets in theatre.
Oh, four days.
What's going on?
It can take a long time. What's going on? It can take a long time.
What is going on?
It's mad.
I still have,
it's so medieval.
So,
sorry,
not to give too much,
I had an emergency C-section
with Robin,
which was horrendous
because it was like,
after 18 hours in labour,
he was massive.
They had to get him out
really quickly,
so my score was a bit knackered.
£10.11 and a half.
£10.11 and a half.
He was huge and my score was massive and the recoveryered £10.11 and a half £10.11 and a half he was huge
and my score was massive
and the recovery was really bad
because I think
I think I was
I was so exhausted
my body was so knackered
yeah
and it was just harder
Rafe
planned caesarean section
went in at half seven
in the morning
he was here by midday
wonderful recovery
so
like so good
but you had to have a plan one didn't you because of the
fucking carry on with robin yeah robin was so big yeah um i do remember uh how car how much carnage
it was with robin and i was like you are like in the you know on the fucking gas and air and that
which i did have a quick pop off um you know you were like bleeding into the toilet you were in
agony for like 20 hours or whatever i was in the corridor yeah I was wiping
your bum
front and back
front and back
and I was
I was in the corridor
crying on the phone
to my mum
at like midnight
because I didn't
have anyone to talk to
because you were
off your tits
making no sense
whatsoever
and then I remember
when we went in
with Rafe
and it was the moment
when they said
would you like
pick a song
for the playlist
I thought
this is different
yeah
this is nice
this is very different
put Mr Blue Sky on
yeah
yeah it was very nice
but I mean
but it's
some people
some people
some people can smash out
a natural birth
and be walking
in the park
with a pram the next day
yeah
but actually
you didn't have a bit
to do with a c-section
you can't go walking
in the park the next day
because you've had
massive surgery
yeah
so there we go
pros and cons Chris
pros and cons
don't get upset
you know better than't get upset.
You know better than to get upset when we're talking about stuff like this.
It's just your opinion.
So anyway, it says here,
four days in labour,
eventually delivered by forceps in theatre.
I was cut what feels like in half,
but as well,
but all was well, sorry,
and went home the following day.
You're so hard as fuck.
I know, I know.
There is no man on this planet
who can have his genitalia chopped in half
and then the next day be like,
off home everyone, thanks for looking after us.
Can you imagine being cut?
You've not hurt yourself, it's not been an accident.
Having to be cut, gooch to arsehole.
Yeah.
Cut.
Cut, just cut.
Stop saying it.
And then stitched up.
And then having to go home and
breastfeed a baby
listen
and have a child
don't mean to go
don't mean to go
absolutely disgusting here
but gooch to arsehole
doesn't really explain it
because it's opening
to opening isn't it
so it would have to be
actual
end of penis
all the way
to arsehole
well I was trying
to just think
I was just trying to think
of the distance
don't let us off lightly
end of vagina
no don't let us off lightly. End of vagina?
No, don't let us off lightly.
It has to be end of penis, all the way down penis. Yeah, okay then.
In between two balls, all the way to Arsenal.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what you have to do.
I'm going to go hard pass on that.
Thank you.
It's horrendous.
Keep the baby inside.
Just let it grow inside of us.
Let it climb out of my mouth when I die.
Fully clothed.
Reading a book
right
sorry we're really digressing here
so I don't know if it was my body
in self preservation but I didn't
poo for a few days now you don't
you don't poo for I didn't poo for
five days after
both births
your mouth's been full of shit
mate I was stuffed full of it
anyway me me fast forward three days and my husband is in the bathroom Both births. You've always been full of shit. Mate, I was stuffed full of it.
Anyway.
Me, me.
Fast forward three days and my husband is in the bathroom having the world's longest shit.
Right, okay.
Showing off.
I am terrified to poo, so say politely, darling, hurry up.
I mean, I'm confused as to why you would be polite, but that's fine.
Everyone's different.
Yeah.
Yeah. I'd be like, I'd be like, you fucking want to get off that toilet,
you prick!
I'm going to fucking ship you,
Sally,
yeah?
Chris!
I'd be like,
well,
and I'd be like,
darling,
hurry up.
I'd be like,
just push it out,
push it out your new hole that you got.
Just push it out your new massive hole.
Oh,
awful.
Anyway,
the urgency increased,
and due to the 40 stitches, I can't really clench. Oh, bless you. Oh, awful. Anyway, the urgency increased and due to the 40 stitches
I can't really clench.
Oh no.
Oh, bless you.
Anyway,
it's coming
and there's nothing
I can do to stop it.
I'm panicking
and also wearing
the only pair of trousers
that fit
so need them to last
a couple of days.
Don't judge me.
I had bigger fish to fry.
I don't judge you at all.
I do not judge you at all.
Neither do I.
I wore Chris's boxer shorts
for two months
Yeah
After I had my first section
I threw them away
when she was done
I pace the kitchen
but it's going to be too late
I do the only thing I can
get a carrier bag
and shit in it
in the dining room
Get him out of the fucking room
What's he doing in there?
I know
Oh my god
Like
just shitting in the dining room
and he's just and as well what you pick the dining room for hallway well my thing is i can just i
don't know why my image in my head is in the dining room but just had to close the curtains
so it's during the day but you know when you close the curtains during the day and there's
it's like we had horrible like horrible light that reminds you
of being a teenager
and getting fingered
in your boyfriend's bedroom
it's just like
minging
dusty yellow light
hanging in the air
that's the light
I'm seeing
and she's sitting in a bag
holding on to the table
for traction
yes
bless her heart
because it hurts
that first poo
kills
your first poo
after a baby
shouldn't be in a carrier bag
let's make that a blanket room
I know
that's not fair.
You always have flowers every week for this.
Yeah.
Having a little cry at what I have been reduced to.
This is why she's shitting in the dining room.
Anyway, it was the day after bin day and I had no idea what to do with the poo.
I certainly wasn't opening the bag, so I proceeded to go and put it in the outside bin.
Shortly after, the neighbours made us aware the wrong bin had been returned
and we had each other's,
so off trots my neighbour with a wheelie bin
containing nothing but a bag of my fresh shit.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
You poor, poor woman. oh my god oh imagine oh how do i mean how do you think you just have to
say nothing you can't go what can you say sorry i put a bag of human shit in your bin and i
couldn't get that out or should we just keep bins for this week should we keep our own bins for this
week then we'll swap next week because I've put my bag of my
dining room poo
in there
first
my special
dining room poo
first after
they'll be blooding it
and everything
oh Rosie
they will
oh I don't know
the tone
scrum your laugh
look at the tone
like there's been
any tone
oh my god
that's terrible
what a
perfectly beautiful
comedic moment
though
the wrong bit
oh it's beautiful
I love moments
like that in life
I love
this is my favourite
signing off
that we've ever had
though it says
love the podcast
from
actually maybe
I'll stay anonymous
yeah
thank you for that
I'll tell you what
your fucking neighbour
knows who you are
thank you so much for listening
to this week's episode
of Shag Maradonoid,
which is part of the
Acast Creator Network.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You're amazing, you're beautiful.
We absolutely love you.
We'll be back in the airs
next week.
Bye.
Bye.
You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway,
the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series.
This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation.
Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring,
followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece,
Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.
For tickets, visit tso.ca.
Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none.
Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th,
when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now
to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along
for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.