Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 233. 4pm Fight Time

Episode Date: September 1, 2023

On this week's podcast Chris and Rosie discuss 90's parenting, the Loch Ness monster, and Alabama hot pockets which disturbs Chris to no end! Rosie has some holiday observations and there's a family beef. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com Hello, you're listening to Shag Maradonoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. And it's a birthday special.

The little birthday pig. It's you. You're a little birthday pig and you're in a lovely happy birthday mood aren't you? I am in a nice mood. What were you just saying? Oh you're bollocks. What were you just saying about birthdays? You were just on an absolute tirade shitting all of our birthdays and guys I literally said to her

save it and quickly did the mic check and pressed record because what's your issue? You started with birthdays are a crock of shit, aren't they? I just don't get them. Just don't get birthdays. Not get it? You are born. Yeah.

La-di-da. Yeah? La-di-da. I just don't understand them. Well, celebrate. It's like an anniversary, isn't it? It's an anniversary of your life. Yeah. But people take them very seriously.

I've said this before, man. Every year, it's just always a bit of shit, isn't it? And then an anniversary of your life. Yeah. But people take them very seriously. I've said this before, man. Every year, it's just always a bit shit, isn't it? And then you've just added that it gives you massive anxiety, people texting, because you feel like you won't text back. Because everybody texts, which is so lovely. And I know I'm so lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life. But then they all text to say happy birthday, and I've got to reply to every one of them,

because then if not, I'll feel rude. But actually, that just puts more pressure on me. Wow. Do you know what I mean? God. You know what it is? You know what could make it could make it even worse someone could turn up with a bloody big bag of um ales craft ales and fruity ales for you that really shits all over your birthday that does someone turn up with something because uh i woke up this morning to absolutely nothing listen i'll have you know listen it's your fault right if keep going away, going away and having nights out and stuff and like shirking your responsibilities

and just not being here with your family, I'll lose track. I can't get anything done, man. When I've got both them little twats, there's nothing I can do. That is true. Luckily, I'm not that bothered. To be fair.

Do you know what? The place I've ordered you some very nice things. Right. So you see. Well, this was the email that i got when i was like where the hell's the stuff it was like sorry what how posh is this it was like sorry we had to wait for one of the items to be sent from italy so what it's gonna be it's a pizza i got your pizza it's good no it's like but you don't be like that's posh come on you're waiting

for your stuff from italy okay that's nice listen i'm very grateful, but you don't be like, I mean, that's posh. Come on, you're waiting for your stuff from Italy. Okay, that's nice. Strap in. Listen, I'm very grateful, obviously, but you know where my brain goes to? If I don't like this, that's going to be a fucking nightmare to return. Wow. From Italy? Didn't. You're shitting me. Couldn't see you shitting on that one.

Yeah, what you bought? Couldn't see you shitting on that one, but you've managed. I've told you, man. Do you know when I bought my new phone? It's a calzone. My new phone case. Yeah. Everyone keeps going, oh, your new phone case is lovely. I'm like, don't.

It came from America. I didn't realize it was American. Everyone keeps going, oh, your new phone case is lovely. I'm like, don't. It came from America. I didn't realise it was American. Right. Oh. Did you get upset? Just a nightmare. It took about three months to come here. And then I wondered why it was expensive.

Yeah. Ridiculous. Anyway. Yeah. Happy birthday to me. Bon anniversaire. Bon anniversaire. Thank you.

Hey, the big 4-0. Eh? Come on. 40. We're going for a meal tomorrow and Chris reckons he's told the guy who owns the restaurant that I'm 40

yeah you better not have it's going to be a big 4-0 balloon big 4-0 don't because we're not far off first time

first time it's our friend's posh restaurant Michelin Star it's in Newcastle it's got Michelin Star it's going to be the first time ever

he said that there's been a stripper in a Michelin star restaurant. You get me? I'd love a stripper. Actually, no, I wouldn't. Said it now. Said it now.

No, you would hate it. I couldn't think of anything worse. I would cry. I'd prefer to have a female stripper than a male stripper. Okay. I've seen a male stripper before. It was horrendous. I'm on board with this.

I don't want a bloody some bloke shaking his todger in my foie gras, whatever the hell posh stuff they're going to serve. If it's not Danny DeVito, I don't want it. Just don't want a bloody some blokes shaking his todger in me foie gras whatever the hell posh stuff they're going to serve if it's not Danny DeVito I don't want it just don't want it yeah exactly exactly yeah no

I've told you before my mates one of them was 18 and one of them was 21 on the same day and we got them a collective stripper and one of them ran

so fast the fastest I've ever seen anyone run in my life away from the stripper he ran to a subway out on a night out but he ran to a my life away from the stripper he ran a subway out on a night out but he ran a subway

in Shields and he sat and had a subway on his own until we were all finished in this thing and then we met him at a different bar for real?

yeah yeah he ran he fucking sprinted was it because he was in a relationship or something? no no I just didn't like the idea I didn't want to be

you know because they put cream aloe in they slap you about and that it wasn't like a proper stri. I was like, you know. Daft one? Yeah, I think it was like a Mickey take one. Okay. That's not very nice. I want to say a violent strip.

No, I don't like that. I don't like that. Well, it was like, it wasn't like, oh, let's get him aroused. It was like, let's humiliate him. Okay. That was the kind of thing. But one of the lads was, he was quite a good laugh when he was up for it, but the other lad was like, and I remember I ran down the stairs of the pub and he was gone. Gone. When I got the bottom of the stairs, he was he was gone when i got when i got the bottom of the stairs he was gone yeah and i said where are you going he said i went and had a he had a 12 inch meatball sub from subway and

then we met him later on and i thought you know what happy birthday i think you won there i like to think of him sitting with a little candle in an empty subway at nine o'clock on a friday night in south shields so he would burp and all night stinking of fucking meatball marinara and the other eye was covered in bruises and cream. So I genuinely think

he won. Yeah. Yeah. So there we go. Listen, it is episode 233. Jeez, Louise. Thank you so much

for being here. Thank you so much for joining us. We genuinely do not take for granted that you listen to our absolute fucking drivel every single week.

Yep. And without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor. Rosie, you're going to love it. Okay. You are big on board with this product. All right.

You ready? Yeah. This week's sponsor is having an early night. Oh. That was us last night. Oh, hey. It's lovely.

You just had your tea. Eh? Eh? Do you want to go and sit on the sofa? No. No. Don't sit on that sofa. Put that remote down.

Get yourself to bed. Get yourself to bed. Climb into bed. Hey, have an early night. I know. I should do it more often. It was bloody lovely. I've had 10 hours, Kip.

I bloody love an early night. I know. Honestly, now, because Robin's going through a phase of having to sleep with one of us in the bedroom. He's just scared of everything for some reason. Sometimes I'm like, right, bed for you and me. Brush his teeth, brush my teeth, lie down, chat to him for a bit, bump.

Both asleep by nine o'clock. Absolutely unreal. Game changer. Hey, you think about going out? Don't. Have an early night. I reckon I could do like, you know what I mean? The new early night, the new going out.

I reckon it could be like, oh no, because when I didn't, didn't I do staying in once and then fucking COVID happened? And then it was lockdown, so don't jinx it. I just think, I think you know how like,

you know, they get like regional people to like Sean Bean does like, Yorkshire, cup of Yorkshire tea. I reckon I could do, hey, have an early night. Go on. You could work for Horlicks. Really?

Are they in early, do they early nights? I think they're meant to help you sleep apparently I don't think people drinking a sleeping aid are up for early nights I think they're bloody night owls

I think you need to and to be fair you don't have to consume anything you don't have to have any sleeping pills or any Horlicks you just have to hey, hey have an early night

I needed it though because I was severely hungover from your fifth fifth fucking gallivant because I was severely hung over from your fifth fucking gallivant your fifth gallivant away from your family kids you came in

honestly you came in yesterday the kids said daddy there's a burglar the kids said daddy there's a strange woman in the house and they both ran up

and I said dad there's a stripper at the door no no definitely not a stripper and I'm joking on you they came up and they were literally they were like daddy who's the strange woman and I said no look No, no, no, no, no. They're definitely not a stripper. And joking on you. Literally, they were like,

Daddy, who's the strange woman? And I said, no, look. And I had to get photos down and go, look, no, this is you and her. That's your mam. That's your mam. But obviously, she's out all the time now. Just away. You know what it is?

Not even her own holidays. A mam and her sister. She'd just piggyback their holiday. Can you please stop this? Because people take this really seriously. Yeah, yeah. And because you don't post anything on Instagram. Well, exactly.

And people think you never go anywhere, but you do. You bring us to my next point. If you go through all of our Instagrams, guys, go through Rosie's, go through mine, check how many times I've been out, right? Gallivanting. You will find it's none and Rosie's been out loads. I think you'll find that you have been out a lot.

Is that because I don't post? Total coincidence. Total coincidence. What you did, which was great, which is going to be my beef, but I'm going to

air it now. Great. You booked your little time away with your mum and sister and then a night previous to that went out on

the lash with your mates. Oh yeah, did I? Can you fathom a world where I say, let's take the UFC for example.

I go down and see the UFC. I go on the Friday, I'm away Friday, Saturday, I come back Sunday. Can you fathom a world where I would, let's take the UFC for example. I go down and see the UFC. I go on the Friday. I'm away Friday, Saturday. I come back Sunday. Can you fathom a world where I would say to you, by the way, that week I'm going away the Friday, Saturday. I'm going out on Wednesday as well.

Can you imagine the levels of shit I would get dealt from you if I did that? Yeah, I know. I don't know how you guys get away with it. Unbelievable. Mug. Unbelievable. What a mug. Honestly. Honestly.

Mate, I just want to enjoy my life. Without me and the kids. Yes. Great. No, I just want to... Stay at home dad, mate, honestly. No, like, stop it. Because you're going to make...

This morning, for the first time. Don't try and make us feel bad. I think it's important to have a life. And my thing is, right, once the kids are in bed... Yeah. The kids go to bed between like half seven and eight o'clock once the kids are in bed yeah the kids go to bed between like half seven and eight o'clock in the holidays oh yeah yeah yeah but i went out at quarter by seven yeah you went up quarter by seven but you just missed them for 15 minutes no no no no no no you disappeared upstairs to get ready at about half five oh yeah it's came around and you were oh i've been trying on the dresses for the nts for the girls you said you would go when

they're in bed. You disappeared. And the kids come upstairs constantly, so I'm still looking after them. Don't I argue about this? Honestly. Honestly. Jealousy. Daddy, who's that strange woman you're doing a podcast with? It's your mum.

But she's always absent. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just jealous. I know you are. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle.

We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. Jingle. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Maradonoid. Do you want to tell everyone what you just said to me? So sometimes, to let you behind the curtain here, sometimes it's obviously just us two talking in a studio, isn't it? So sometimes you press record, you start having a bit of a laugh, and you stop and you think, was that any good? I feel a bit weird. It's normally me, but you just said there,

you went, oh, I feel a bit weird. I don't know if I'm... I think, do you know what it is? You've made us feel really bad about... Oh, shut up oh shut up no i know but i have been away quite a lot and i've been out quite a bit because i just feel like me two friends work in teaching that's what it is and they're off our summer holidays are usually pretty packed with social things because it's the only time they can go i know but i just i do feel like i have been away quite a bit and i feel a bit bad about it but at at the same time, I shouldn't.

I think everyone listening knows I'm kidding and you should know I'm kidding. And all we'll do is, we'll just put more photos of you around the house so the kids remember what you look like. Now, what I said... Just stop it, though. You're making us feel bad.

Yeah, I know, but you're showing us a bit of weakness now. There's a bit of a chink in the armour, so I'm going for it now. It was my birthday and you're trying to make us feel bad. You should be really nice to me today. No, I don't think that... No, you shout all over birthdays. I feel you should be really nice to make the day um no i don't know i don't think that no you shout all over birthdays i feel like if i'm nice to you you'll you'll you'll look all i said to you before we started was what the actual moment that i just said was look

you're absolutely fine you're having a lovely little time you've got um as we both know i flagged up the fact that you've got toothpaste on your pants yes and you've got soup on your jumper yes and it's a little map of your day. It is. I do like that though. That's a nice little phrase. Map of your day. All the stains on your clothes. Stop thinking about that. Stop thinking you've

scruffied your clothes. It's a little map of your day. It's a little timeline of what you've been up to. Oh, that's a Pinterest pretty quote, isn't it? Oh God, yeah. Stop telling your kids.

That's my... Stop that. Stop that. Stop that. It's killing me, that song. Why that stop that stop that that's why what song is that it's

Instagram reels it's just everybody I just don't know it's just people put stuff on Instagram on the reels and that song

it's Billie Eilish it's a brilliant song to be fair but everyone's using it to just put like really sad things on or like when your kid gets older it to just put really sad things on. Got you. When your kid gets older,

it's just killing us. It's just absolutely doing stuff to my brain. Do you know what I mean, though? I think we're just bombarded with stuff all the time. All the time. That's meant to just make us feel bad. Yeah. Crazy.

I just want to watch people falling over. Oh, yeah, you want to follow some of the stuff I follow. Oh, my God. I know, I know. I watched one the other day there was oh we went to a little play part of the idea with the kids and there was this you know they're like the um they look like giant mushrooms they're like roundabouts uh you know like a what is that is it called a roundabout where you get on it and just spin round is that what they're called it's not a merry-go-round because a merry-go-round is a one that's operated by machinery but you know in the park where you you know there's videos off back in the day of like kids putting their moped wheels on them and spinning them and everyone flies

anyway so there's them ones so you've got the ones where they're on the floor which every park i've been to recently they've been broken by the way i don't know what the hell's been going on i think the youths have been breaking them great but we went apart the idea that had the ones where it's like a handle so it's a bar and then the spinning bit is on the top like a mushroom on mario so you're holding on to that and you can spin around and i saw a video yesterday and i recoiled from it and i must have watched it 10 or 12 times it's a guy spinning around on one of them and he's spinning around so fast there's a few people on and everyone flies off it and this final guy flies off it and he flies towards the camera

with his legs open and lands full on on his cock on a seesaw on the side of a seesaw and the noise it makes it's like someone hammering a girder and I was like that's it I was like he's dead

he's dead it was unreal he flies round and round he just comes boom and I was like that's it I was like he's dead he's dead it was unreal he flies round and round he just comes boom and I was like recoil

spent about 15 minutes watching it again unbelievable love watching people fall over best thing ever bring back more people falling over stick your parenting quotes

up your arse stick your life quotes up your arse I want to see hair on fire yeah great one kids getting their faces

smashed into birthday cakes. Yeah, I didn't know whether I was born there. A little bit worried there. Falling over. I like toddlers tumbling. I don't want children being actually hurt

because that upsets it. No, no, no. Grown-ups trying to do... So the two things I enjoy most, grown-up men trying to do something that they think is cool and hurting themselves. Serves you right.

That's the price of you. And this is bad, but then again, I do enjoy do enjoy but it makes us so embarrassed i want to die and women trying to do something sexy and it's fucking up okay but it makes i can't even enjoy it because it makes us so embarrassed for them that i just want to fucking burst into tears right so i don't know how actually not it i don't i don't i don't like them ones anymore. I take it back. Do you know what I'm saying? Happy birthday, Mr. And I'm like, oh, God, she must feel terrible. Genuinely. I know what you mean.

I feel sick. Old people fall over at weddings. I used to enjoy that. Oh, that's very you being framed. Yeah, but now I'm like, oh, it'll be me one day. Yeah, it'll hurt. It'll be me falling over. There's a young'un's going, oh, that fucking idiot.

Well, lovely. I used to build and do the moonwalk alright grandad the ambulance is on its way so as we know as we've already said I got you nothing

for your birthday but I did pop out and get some flowers and something's coming from Italy and something's coming from Italy cheetle calzone

for your birthday I told you it's a calzone it's a freezing cold calzone Is it calzone or calzone? Don't know the shit Oh I enjoy a calzone Yeah Whatever they are

I quite enjoy them I don't even know how to say it You enjoy them that much You don't even know how to say it No but they're nice They're not They're rubbish I disagree

They're terrible They're the worst I disagree honestly What would you have in your calzone? Well, I've had one before when it was folded over, obviously, and inside there was ham and mushroom, and it was garlic, and it had sauce on the top. On the top?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was in a restaurant. Oh, nice. No, honestly. So you would pick a calzone over a pizza? Listen, I might, you know. I think I would. Get in you know. I think I would. Get in the bin.

I think I would. A little parcel. It's like a pasty. It's like a pizza pasty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's bad. That's exactly what it is. You can't enjoy the stringiness of the cheese or anything.

Do you know what it is? I'm not a huge pizza fan. It's really upsetting. I don't like it that much. You say this, but you always steal my slices. Yeah, just a couple of slices, but it's not something I would... I wouldn't pick it. Awful. What were you going to say, sorry? What I was going to say this, but you always steal my slices. Yeah, just a couple of slices, but it's not something I would... I wouldn't pick it.

Awful. What were you going to say, sorry? What I was going to say was, it was because of the panic I felt yesterday. Obviously, the flights went mad this week. Oh, right, yeah. Something to do with... I know, big love to anyone who got stuck. Well...

Just in a foreign country with no way to get home. Like, it's really, really shit. So I barely watch or consume the news in any way, shape or form. But... You had no idea? I had no idea until someone, I think me mate text saying, oh no, you text, sorry, saying, have you seen this about flights? I'm a bit worried. And I was like, oh God.

And I looked. And then a friend of ours was on Instagram saying that she was stuck. It was Portia. It was Ori, Ori Duba and Portia. Is Ori with her? Yeah. They're all there. They're on a family holiday, Ori Duba and Portia. Is Ori with her? Yeah. They're all there. They're on a family holiday, yeah, yeah.

Oh, God. So Ori and Portia and the kids are stuck in Greece until Sunday. Yeah. And I sat yesterday going, if she doesn't come back, I've got the kids on me own for a week. So I was away in Spain for two nights and the flights all went awful the day before I was flying home.

And then you started crying. And then you started crying. I was like, I'm going to have to have the kids on my own for a week. And I forgot what day it was. And then last night when you got back, you were so lucky

you were delayed like an hour. I mean, listen, we were delayed an hour on the tarmac without any air conditioning. I took a little video. I've never sweated so much in my entire life.

You're like you're in a steam room it was horrendous yeah actually shocking and I'll tell you what is shocking right what you don't

I'm not having a go here well I am having a go you don't sweat that much when you've been on the treadmill no so try harder I know

what that's a different kind of sweat exercise it was shocking it was so hot yeah I was waiting for people

to pass out really well that's that's why I lost track of my days because he got back different kind of sweat exercise it was shocking it was so hot yeah I was waiting for people to pass out really well that's so I lost track of my days because he got back eventually and I was like it's your birthday on Thursday

you were like it's tomorrow and I was like right okay I haven't chased that pass up and I haven't got anything Rosie I was I was shell shocked all day

not like you to panic about something I know it's weird innit it's totally weird isn't it weird you were panicking more than I did if it had happened to me I wouldn't have had any Isn't it weird? You're panicking more than I did. If it had happened to me,

I wouldn't have had any way to stay. Of course I was panicking more than you were. You were in Spain on holiday. Yeah, but at the same time, I could have ended up sleeping at the airport. I don't want to do that. I don't think you would have done that. I think you'd have possibly found some way.

But to be fair, sleeping at the airport or four days on your tod with our kids, get me at that airport. Get me right outside that duty free on a sleeping bag. Hello. I read a full book when I was away. You piece of shit.

You are a real piece of shit. It was really nice. Do you know how much of my book I read on our holiday with our kids? Oh, none. None. Same. Not one bit. One bit.

But we are coming to the end of the summer holidays. Yes! I can't do fanfares anymore, can I? Can I play a fanfare? Depends if it's free on YouTube. Can you play them? If they're free on YouTube, you can play them. Right, here's a minute.

Good God. Kids are going back to school we did it you've done it you've done the summer holidays get back to school you little arsehole we love you but nobody knew

how hard summer holidays would be when you have kids you don't think of these things. Six weeks. It's too long. It's too long. It's too long. All of the teachers out there, I know you'll disagree with us, but I don't care. No.

It's too long. It's too long. Just separate it out. Yeah. Separate it out throughout the year. It's awful. I just don't. I don't have any...

Get them in Saturdays and Sundays as well. Listen. Let them move in. Right? Get them in Saturdays and Sundays as well. Listen. Let them move in. Right?

I have a quick question for you. For me? Which is just a normal day-to-day question, but I haven't actually asked you. Okay. I forgot. Have we still got maggots in our wheelie bin? No.

What happened? I got rid of them. How did you get rid of them? I rinsed it and I poured them away. Where did you put them? I went across the street and put them in someone else's wheelie bin no you didn't there's a drain outside i just put them down the drain yeah why i suppose that's okay is that legal i don't know what i mean i'm livestock i doubt i'm gonna be sharing a cell in durham prison with serial killers if I put maggots down

I mean I'll be if I'm there I'll be like fair play the goddess fair play yeah it was horrible oh sorry are you fucking joking sorry speaking of drains right oh what a segway

this is are we on local radio do you know when I was a kid stop hitting the mic put the fucking pencil down sorry

god it's a fucking news at 10 bong speaking of drains right bong maggots in wheelie bin bong did you see

woman can't hold fucking pencil without hitting everything next to her with it bong maggots in wheelie bin bong did you see woman can't hold fucking pencil without hitting everything next to her with it bong did you see how we are

local radio yeah something that you don't realise is very bad to do as a kid but as an adult you're like

that's gonna fuck something up the amount of stones we used to put down my nana's drain when we were kids right is unbelievable.

Like, I think we might have caused some problems. Right. Yeah. Okay. Just stop the podcast here. Lads! Come on in, lads. Get her.

We've got her. She's done it again. She's confessed. Lads, get her in. Northumbrian Water have been on this for you. Lads, here we come. The gravel grabber. There she is.

There she is. Look her up. Not only was that theft of gravel, it was destruction of local waterways, damaging the ecosystem. Good riddance. See you later. Will the kids miss her?

No, she's never fucking here anyway, lads. Never here anyway. No, but that probably caused quite a lot of issues, didn't it? I don't know. I mean, I had a gravel driveway and we used to just... Before iPads, wasn't it?

What? Before iPads, wasn't it? Before iPads won it. Yeah, yeah. Literally, Robin left to go to your mom's this morning. His Nana's. His grandma's, basically. He's taking his iPad, his Switch. He's fucking took toys.

He's took games. He's took like a full day's worth of entertainment with him. You and your cousins. Now you're coming to Nana's to put stones down the drain oh yeah don't put stones till I get there don't use up

all the stones Nana Rosie's used up all the stones share the stones kids share the stones it was actually me and the Nana's different Nana

so it was a different Nana different set of cousins and we're sorry I'm so embarrassed I got that wrong we got told by we're older cousins that was a boogeyman

lived at the bottom of the street so we used to chuck stones at him as well. Brilliant. Bet me not I would have had any stones left. Get the wicks, grandad. Gravel drives, bae. Bae! I bought a new bag of gravel last week.

What's happening? So, sorry, they said that a boogeyman lived down the street. The bogeyman. The bogeyman. The bogeyman. Great, great, original. In a boogie man lived down the street. The boogie man. The boogie man. The boogie man. Great, great, original. In what house? I don't know.

I just used to chuck them down the street, really. Sorry, so it wasn't at a specific house. You would just throw them down the road? Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. I don't know. Chris? So just a road, an open road with presumably cars on it.

I've told you this before, I'm sure. And you would just throw them into the ether, just down the road. Yeah. Just so the boogeyman's like, how, no, you're hard. Watch out,

not one at a time. Scatter shot like a shotgun. Fucking hell. Little story for you. Great story. Loved it. I've got a holiday observation. Not a fucking surprise, mate.

It's the only place you've ever been. Yeah. Spent your whole time there. I don't know if it's just me, Mum and Kate, but I think a lot of people do this. Yeah. So anytime we walked somewhere,

do you know when you hear an accent, somebody's accent? Yeah. Literally leaned in and said where they're from. Yeah, that's your mum. I love that. Just kind of like...

Yeah. But I do it as well. So someone we walk past be like, Italian. Someone else, a's your man. I love that. Just kind of like... Yeah. But I do it as well. So someone will walk past and be like, Italian. Someone else, a couple, German.

English, British. They're in love with English, yeah. God. Can you remember the excitement on holiday when you were a kid

of hearing someone with your accent around the pool or at the bar? Yeah. Your dad would come back and be like, speaking a bloke at the bar?

Sunderland? From Sunderland? Five minutes up the road? Can you believe it? Here? In Benidorm? In him? In us?

Yes, yes, dad. There's an airport in Newcastle. Eh? It was exciting though. It was very exciting. Where we've just been, there was loads of English people. It was mad.

Yeah? I think it was a lot of expats. Expats. and I always thought expats were people who left the army and went to live abroad but apparently

it's not it's expat like expat yeah expat yeah expat well I learnt that

when my mum told us I thought it was people who went in the army you thought so you thought when a comedian does a gig for expats it was all for army people?

Yes. I thought it was people who'd been in wars, right? Or the army. And they fought in that place and they'd stay there. They'd stay there because they'd won. I thought they'd brought their family up there. I swear to God. So I was like, expats or ex-army?

How many times have you spoke about this to someone and they haven't corrected you? Do you know what the difference is in your life? I don't know if I've ever said it. I'll tell you one thing.

It does sound army-ish though. Please agree it is quite army it's quite army lingo like expat. It sounds a bit army-ish. It sounds like

in a club all together like you know how there's like a military base where families live and they're like we live on the base. I always just thought we're expats so I was like oh there's a link there base where families live yeah like we live on the base yeah i always just

thought we're expats so i was like oh there's a link with the army there i've never i've never questioned it but now i know it's not so you always slag me off for being like a dick and like correcting people and like if we're you know if we've got people around or even if it's just like i can't leave it right so we're around someone and they said oh you're expats yeah because they're all in the army. Everyone, you'd be like, the polite thing is to just nod. Whereas even if I barely knew the person,

I'd go, sorry, that's not what that means. No, I don't think I've ever mentioned it to anybody. No, no, listen, I'm just using that as an example. All right, okay, fair enough. So you always have a go at me. But how many times on this podcast

have you said something wrong and I've corrected you and you've went, fuck now, I've been saying that for ages. Oh yeah, I know, yeah. I'm the one educating you now in life because I am been saying that for ages oh yeah I know yeah I'm the one educating you now

in life yeah because I am as you call us quote unquote a dickhead who corrects you but

no one's you've hung around with really polite people who've never corrected your utter fucking tripe for years and now you're

learning things yeah yeah I think you're right actually thank you yeah I'll take that well I'm happy with that

there you go happy birthday to me. Bon anniversaire. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef. Birthday beef.

Birthday beef. Birthday beef. La, la, la, la, la, la. Birthday beef. La, la, la, la, la, la. Birthday beef. Birthday beef. Birthday beef.

Just two rounds of it. It's fine. Just two rounds of it is fine. Yeah. Just two rounds of it is fine. Okay, ladies and birthday girls first. What's your beef? I've got a family beef. Family beef? My beef is with you and our two children.

Okay, wow. That's because of the divide that's happened recently. It doesn't matter. I can't be bothered. I can't be bothered. You said you were going to leave it and you haven't. This is what it's like married to a comedian

do you understand this you keep saying I'm not doing it and he just keeps doing it that's the last time stop it I will throw my pencil at you oh no

because I've heard you bonging it on there put it down by the way before you bong it again so I downloaded the new Little Mermaid last week

paid £13.99 for it fucking ridiculous by the way Wait until it's on Disney Plus Is it not already on Disney Plus? It's Disney It wasn't on Disney It was on Prime before Disney

Did you check? Look at me now I did, I swear Sometimes you don't check I swear I checked I checked, Chris In the past You have bought stuff

On Amazon And it's been on Netflix I know And I've learned from my mistakes I got that email going It was on Prime Do you know what it is? Literally You are such a fucking cheapskate Every time I have my Downloads on my mistakes. I got that email going, it was on Prime. Do you know what it is? Literally,

you are such a fucking cheapskate. Every time I have my downloads, because I downloaded Super Mario, because Rafe's obsessed with it, and we've got to have our money's worth, to be fair. It was like five quid. And you're literally like,

what, you downloaded? As if I'm downloading porn, like I'm doing something terrible. I'd be happy with porn, I'd be able to enjoy it as well. Listen, it's the new... Not my kind of porn.

It's the new it's the new thermostat isn't it like back in the day it used to be like if you touch a thermostat your dad knows now it's like

I get the email I run in the room and like why are you downloading what's this why didn't you know comes out of our same account yes but I get the email

I want to know I tell you why I want to know because the amount of times you've downloaded something that's either been A on Sky in the box set or on Netflix

okay well I have learned my lesson it set or on netflix well i have learned my lesson it might be on disney now because i have a feeling that it was just the day and sadly that is madness i know okay anyway i feel sick i think it is on disney now but at the time i checked and it wasn't calm yourself down it's just upsetting i didn't go to the cinema to see it so that's how I'm justifying the money anyway right downloaded it desperate

I've watched bits of it yeah oh so you haven't even finished watching it yet so you did need it a day early no this was last week erm our kids yeah

and you yeah will not let me watch this film yeah in the same room as you it's very selfish to the point where, Rafe can't actually talk that much.

He's getting better, but he's like, no mermaids! No mermaids! Like, she's not got her legs in the part I'm up to now. She hasn't even got her legs.

There's no mermaids at all. Do you mean she hasn't even got her fins? Oh, yeah. Sorry, our fins have gone, yeah. Robin will not watch it. You put it on. I was furious last night. It's good. Me and Robin were will not watch it. You put it on. I was furious last night.

It's good. Me and Robin were playing on Minecraft and you put it on full whack and I'm trying to communicate with Robin because we've got a lot of work to do on this game, on this biome, on Minecraft. I'm trying to sort stuff out and all I can hear is Under the Sea

blaring from the telly while Rafe screams no mermaids. No mermaids. It's horrendous. Do you know what it is though? It just upsets us for the future. What's my life?

What do you mean? Because why yous aren't ever going to watch anything that I like to watch. Hey, you like Mario? Yeah, it was good but you know what I mean?

Yeah. Well look, I mean stop being selfish and trying to watch I don't get to watch things that I want to watch. You get to watch everything.

You love the stuff that the boys watch. Name three things I love that they watch. Cupcake and Dino. Yeah, that's quite funny. Yeah. Mario. Yeah. Sonic.

You love that. He's all had a lovely time watching that. You got three a lot quicker than I thought you were going to. Yeah, I could name you loads more. Three gives them. I could name you loads more. Right, okay. Simpsons. He's watched The Simps loads more. Right, okay. Simpsons,

you've watched The Simpsons together. I do watch The Simpsons. You'll probably be starting Futurama soon because Robin's getting older. That's a good idea actually, yeah.

Listen, right, it's selfish that you think that you can watch a live action mermaid saga drama. Rom-com? Is it a rom-com? Dunno.

I thought they might, I just thought they might have liked it anyway. No. They are pure little blokes they won't give anything like that at the time of day

and it's really strange because I've never I'm not a blokey bloke I've never pushed them into football or not liking something oh no that's for girls

I've never said anything like that and I never will but they've just gravitated to being smelly little boys yeah they just hate anything

girly don't they? Yeah, and I've never... I think Robin won't watch it out of like... Yeah. Just, I don't know. I caught him looking over his Nintendo Switch a couple of times. I was absolutely fuming. He got killed at one point by a creeper in Minecraft

and I had to go down and get all his stuff because he was watching the telly. It's not even that girly though, to be fair. It's not like... It's quite like intense. It is. Yeah. It's good.

Anyway, what's your beef with me? I'm going to watch that, by the way, at some point, just on my own. Oh, no one cares.

So my beef with you, apart from the fact that Robin was trying to build another portal in Minecraft and we had diamonds, we were making diamond pickaxes and diamond swords and you're blaring that

piece of shit through the telly, right? Wow. Apart from that that my other beef with you and this isn't your fault right so i don't know why it's me beef with you but it is me beef with you this is what um and i'm sort of me backs into a corner here because there's only one way of fixing this and i don't want i don't want this solution i just want to have a whinge. The kids are inexplicably arseholes when you're around.

And I don't know why. And I know it's not your fault. And please God, don't leave us with them on my own anymore because I've had me fill. But when you're back, they just turn into chodes and I don't know why. Basically what I'm saying is, I had them

for a few days while you were away and they were mint no bother perfect behavior and you came back and started acting up when we're both there okay i've got a quote for you yeah um kids feel really uncomfortable and deep down feel unsafe when there are no boundaries and will push and push until they find one annie explains not not quite sure who Annie is, because this is just the first. She's got her own musical. Oh yeah, The Annie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of the Tomorrow saga. I trust her. All right. Annie explains that kids tend to play up more with their mothers than their dads or grandparents because they may not offer the same degree of safety as their mom does.

What? So, they feel safer with you around me. So they want to be assholes. Why do kids behave worse for their mom?

A safe place. This perfectly explains why children sometimes behave the worst for their moms. They let down their garden. Sometimes that means letting real ugly emotions

come out. The biggest of tantrums are safe for those that they are most comfortable with. So, you don't make them feel comfortable enough. Good.

Sadly. You are not a safe space. I want them on their toes. I want them terrified. Yeah. That's why. It's a known thing. That was...

Do you know what it is? Did you just blow a burp away? I blew it in the other direction, yeah. Disgusting. That was evident when I took Robin to bed on one of the nights that you were away. Ria was already upstairs and I said, Oh, Robin, I'm just going to come to bed with you. Have an early night.

And I went upstairs with him and put the alarm on and he wouldn't even sit in the bedroom while I brushed my teeth. He came to the bathroom with us and I went, What's wrong? And he went, I'm scared. And I went, Why? And he went, Because it's just me, you and Ria from the house. Oh, me being? And I went, Because Mammy's not's wrong and he went i'm scared and i went why and he went because it's just me you and rave in the house and i went because what because mommy's not here and he went yeah and i was like what you're scared of and you normally says criminals and i'm like

she are you joking she's got any fucking chance i was like i'm if i was gone you should be scared but she's gone and you're scared so she's done no hours of jujitsu training at all the bane thinks i'm harder than the. The Bane seems to think that you can deal with criminals and burglars better than I can. Isn't that funny? How strange. How weird. So he was more scared because I wasn't. Oh, my baby. Yeah, didn't he? But anyway, I sorted it with him

and what I've organised is me and you have to have a fight on the lawn this afternoon when he gets back. Right, you see, you is the hardest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. So yeah, look, your hands are tied. Robin organised it. 4pm on the lawn me and you 4pm 4pm fight time

4pm fight time baby 4pm fight time my darling my darling no worries if any property injuries or anything I'll just take you back

and you'll have I'll get you in a choke and you'll have an early night I can't wait I wouldn't really I would never do that I love you bye

you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway I wouldn't really. I would never do that. I love you. Bye. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday.

You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. My attempts will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. You know, don't. The First Omen. Witness the birth of evil. The first omen is the most terrifying movie of the year.

The first omen. Liam Peters Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play come along for

the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com it's time for questions from the public guys as always if you'd like to get in touch, it is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. Should I start off with something really disgusting? Absolutely, let's do it. Do you want to show it? No, no, no, no, no. Go in. Yeah.

Seriously? Heavy, disgusting, bang, and then we'll back off. This is going to be one of the worst things we've ever said on the podcast. Are you serious? I think so. Oh, fuck. Okay, let's move my chair.

Right, I think this is gross. And I'm so'm so sorry everyone but like we always say if you're this far in you're part of the crew you don't get disgusted statement one of the most disgusting things we've ever had on the podcast so okay i'm very i'm lining my mic up i'm sitting okay i'm very excited here um long time listener first choice podcast I don't know what that means but long listener just means they're tall no first choice podcast

so this is their first choice podcast that's great that's great thank you very much I heard a story that is a great mixture of let's talk about shit

and sex combined oh fuck's sake shitty sex sex of the shitty variety shitty is not a review not a review and here's a Rosie's

mysteries mysteries are ready good god you ready pick a God. You ready? Pick a fucking lane. What is an Alabama hot pocket? What is an Alabama hot pocket? Hot pocket.

That's just... I don't even want to think the stuff that's coming to my mind it's going to be something disgusting you know that thing where people say you do a poo in a condom and then freeze it and then chag someone with it

horrendously you knew that straight off the top of your head I think it's summon it's going to be the opposite of that. Like, I don't know, you do a hot poo, something and hit them with it or stick it up their bum or shit into someone else's arse.

Honestly, bring a Babadook bat in, I don't want to fucking know. I don't want to know. You don't want to know? No people want to know. Can I just Google it? Can I just leave it? Are you ready? Don't Google this. This is going to ruin my life. Please don't want to know. You don't want to know? No people want to know. Can I just Google it? Can I just leave it? Are you ready? Don't Google this.

This is going to ruin my life. Please don't ring it. An Alabama hard packet That makes it even worse when you do that voice. is the act of a man shitting into a woman's vagina. No. No, you'll get ill! No, you'll get ill! And proceeding to have sexual intercourse with the feces

filled. No! That's the... No! No! Some people have get ill no you'll get ill proceeding to have sexual intercourse with the feces no that's not that's the no no some people have a lot of time on their hands you'll get ill you'll get ill you get infections and that yeah why would someone do that i don't know darling is that upsetting i could with a tiny little bit of you know like um when actors have got like a a thing that they think of to make themselves cry that could be mine not somebody you love dying no no no that could be mine i could i could with a tiny bit of i could start crying now good yeah that has made me imagine the squelch like no stop it no i don't even need that no i don't even know i could cry that's so horrible oh god did you see me

that's so bad i right that there's a name. The fact that people are not. Poor Alabamas. The fact that that hasn't been done just once by accident. It blows my mind. Apologies to everyone in Alabama. What do you mean by Alabama? I don't know. I know.

What do you call people from Alabama? After I've heard this, fucking offended. Gutted. Devastated is what you call them. Harsh gutted devastated is what you call them harshly done by is what you call them I wonder why it's called an

Alabama hot pocket because someone's a fucking prick I get the hot pocket I think this is made up I don't think more than three people in the entire world have done this to someone

I guarantee loads of people have done it I hate everyone I don't think that poo should be brought into sex at all like whatsoever nah like not like no horrendous loads of people have done it. I hate everyone. I don't think that poo should be brought into sex at all. Like whatsoever.

Nah. Like not. Like no. Horrendous. Why would you? Why would you want to bring it into sex? Nah. Gross.

Nah. Sorry about that. Should I not have read it? I'm like a little bit bunged up in my sinus isn't that? Yeah. It's like loosened it all off.

Alright. Do you know what? I'm going to go to the shops. I'm going to go to the farm foods and get with some crispy pancakes. Oh. Oh. Do you know what?

Do you know what? Alabama hot pot, it's a fucking calzone is what it is. No, it kind of is a calzone. Disgusting. Oh, no, I love a calzone. Disgusting.

Sorry about that. Sorry, everyone. Hot pot. Sorry. I'm the vessel of the questions. Don't say vessel after you've said that. Oh. How much? What? How much?

To do it? Nothing. Because I would die during and I wouldn't be able to spend the money. 20 million. I would die. 20 million dollars. No chance. You wouldn't do it? There's no amount of money on earth. You could give me all of Elon Musk's and Zuckerberg's money and I couldn't do it nah there's no amount of money on earth you could give me

all of Elon Musk's and Zuckerberg's money and I couldn't do it you wouldn't have a poo in my vagina oh my god no and then have sex with it no

never nah wow all the money in the world I wouldn't be able to do it nah eternal life cure diseases

I wouldn't be able to do it you could literally it's the worst thing anyone's ever asked anyone you could get rid of world hunger. Right, you couldn't. It would come back. But no. Nah.

Nah. Wow. Nah, I couldn't. You alright? No, I'm really... This has really affected me in a really bad way. When you said it was the most disgusting thing I've ever said, I didn't really believe you. I can see you have finished soup all over there

that's upsetting us as well visually I'm having a horrible day here like this I was having a nice time that's the thing I don't think the thing is though

I don't think my vagina is big enough to fit any stop stop stop stop stop dissecting it

stop dissecting it it would just have to be a little log I'm sweating my mind for taking my top off here you know it would have to be your second one of the day

that's just don't Rafe's on three shites a day at the minute by the way that's upsetting us oh god I know right anyway

sorry everyone let's carry on you alright I don't know if I can do you want a little break I've gone on all week have a little break yeah horrible outright Let's carry on. You alright? I don't know if I can. Do you want a little break? I've gone on all week. Have a little break.

Ugh. Yeah. Horrible, aren't I? Don't send me stuff like that. That's the level. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Episode 225 about gentle parenting reminded me of a story about my friend.

Okay. Just for context, we are the same age as you and from South Shields. Oh, hello. Oh, hello. Oh, hello. Might know you. When she was about nine or ten,

she stole a pound from her mam's purse and was caught in the act. Caught in the act. To teach her a lesson, her mam dragged her to the local police station where they gave her

a tour of the cells and told her this is where she'd end up for her crimes. Nine for a quid. Imagine dragging a nine-year-old in there now. He stole a quid. Can you give us a two? Can you fuck off, mate?

We're really busy. Can you fuck off, mate? There was a riot in the town centre today. Can you get out? It still makes me howl laughing now, thinking about her sitting in the cell. I can't imagine how the police would respond these days if we rocked up with a bad behaviour,

with bad behaved kids. This is a case of 90s parenting at its finest. I think that is brilliant parenting. I think that's amazing. And you know for a fact, while she was in there, she sat on the bench in the cell and went well what do you think

then officer should I leave her overnight well if she promises never to do it again I promise I'll leave her okay you can come home I'm scared to do

old school 90s parenting oh Rafe yeah flipping Rafe tell the nursery that we've been hitting him oh that's good

crack by the way yeah yeah yeah what the hell so I picked him up from hitting him? Oh, that's good crack, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the hell? So, I picked him up from nursery. It's actually, it's bad though. That's really bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, really bad. So, I picked him up from nursery,

but thankfully the woman was laughing and she said, oh, he said his mam's been hitting him and I went, you are joking. He says it about everybody. I went, so he says his brother's been hitting him, but now he's starting to say mam. So then yesterday, right, he had a little mark on his arm

and he came up to me and he went, Robin hit me. And I went, did he? And Robin was like eating some toast and he came up to me and he went Robin hit me and I went did he and Robin was like eating some toast and he was like what I'm eating toast I haven't

and I was like you can't say that he just says it about everyone the same mark on the arm he walked into a room with you yesterday

pointed the same mark on his arm and went daddy hit me and I popped my head and I went I beg your fucking pardon I said I did not hit you

you can't say that and he looked and he realised and he smiled and then he went oh Robin hit me I wentin didn't either unbelievable it's actually quite bad though and the thing is he says it so he got um one of our friends little girl hit him by accident in the nose with a swing the other day and uh he just keeps repeating the name over and over again yeah so their little girl's called alba right and he just for about 10 minutes alba hit me and you go you go okay it was an accident though and alba hit

me right okay it was alba and over and over again i'm like jesus christ little grass i know but it's not good like it's not good at all anyway so i feel like the older they get the more you can't really do anything because my mom and dad used to threaten to ring me dad literally used to pick up the phone and have like a 10 minute conversation with the children's home that he was gonna send me to hello it's me again hello it was which one's been an arsehole all them all three of them i've got a vivid memory of my dad in the in his bedroom did he not just i'm not even joking no i'm swear to god but he was in his boxer shorts for some reason so i think it was like quite late at night right and he was on the phone in his bedroom and we were on the bed and he was literally like yes hello it's derrick winter yes i've got

them all here no they've been absolutely terrible right what will it to the point of like what will they need to take we'll pack their bag and we're put your trousers on first sir please don't please don't turn over the children's room in your boxer shorts again people are beginning to worry

but I totally believed him so we just sat on the bed going dad will not dad will stop will not be bad I'm sorry I'm sorry dad I'm sorry

he really kept it going though but I don't think you could do that now nah well I don't know I mean you could you could I think you could do that now no well i don't know it's about i mean you could you could i think you get hauled in i think they tell the school to the school or something and they'd be like mrs mrs ramsey did you call yes i did but no now i look it would be

like and now he has nightmares wakes up in the night screaming that he's going to the children's home can't go anywhere because he thinks he's going to get on the you know gets on the bus at school to go on a school trip and he's like when i take this it's just screaming i know yeah i'm a very good actress that's the problem yeah definitely he'll really believe it definitely once i think about that alabama hoppock now just turn them tears on we'll miss you but you are a little bastard i uh do you know what i thought at first for some reason what you were going to say you know when she said um found her caught her in the act taking the pound and as a punishment

she made her eat a whole purse of pounds you like pounds don't you open up I want your swallow ten pounds I stole a pound off my mum once

I know I heard about this did you have that I told you before your mum's told us about this has she yeah I'm sure I was there when you and your mum were talking

about it she just honestly she made us feel terrible. Quite right. Yeah. Quite right. Like proper, full on, dirty, rotten thief. Yeah, well. She might have actually called us that for a long, long time after.

Yeah. Dirty, rotten thief. Dear dirty, rotten thief, Merry Christmas. Love, Mum and Dad. P.S. We'll never forgive you. Mum, it's been mum and dad P.S. we'll never forgive you mum it's been 30 years

please no I'll never forget hello Rosie and Chris I've only just realised that this

is the turn on but I've just been watching a bloke touch type on the train Nick as fizzing oh devastated

for anyone else that seat after you wow touch typing is pretty impressive yeah I used to be able to do it

I learned how to do it at the Inland Revenue I mean is it that impressive what I mean she must have a background in clerical work do you think

yeah I think it's pretty impressive seeing what what really makes me want to vomit and my vagina go up inside myself is when I watch you type. One thing I want.

Oh, what? No, I watch you type and you do it, you try to do it, you try to do it so fast but then you end up doing everything wrong so then you have to delete it

and go back and do it again. It's awful. Take your time. Be more impressive. You just got everything right the first time round. I can't believe you are calling me a shit typer on here.

You're a bad typer. You are. That's upsetting. I'm a great typer. Give us something to type. You're not a good typer. Right. Tell me something to type now and I can type it.

Watch how many types. Right. Type my name is Chris Ramsey. Okay. Without looking at the keyboard. No, you can look. Oh. Oh, yeah. All right. right fair enough my name is chris

valenzette there you go mistake oh you're looking at the keyboard though yeah it's a touch typing is this watch this is touch typing yeah because you learn where the letters are yeah but you're not spelling anything properly you've got to learn straight it looks like um it looks like some kind of r telegram that I'm sending. What you do is you learn certain letters on the second line. So they were the big red dots. When I learned this at the LN Revenue, they're the red dots. And then what you do is you go from them

and you learn the ones above and below. Right. But on the actual keyboard that you get given, there's no letters on. Right. Just dots. Sounds counterintuitive. What do you mean?

But so, they don't, so even if you're having an off day, you can't look down. I learned it with no letters on. There was no letters. Wow. That sounds like something they were doing. You know when she's doing her training

in Black Widow, the Marvel movie. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's like doing ballet and getting whipped and typing on the key. There's no keys on it.

Send a fucking letter. I told you the only thing that kept me at that job was the lady that came round at 11 o'clock with the sausage sandwiches at my desk. I've never known anything like it. I can only imagine how... Was there... I think there might have been letters on that keyboard,

but your greasy sausage sandwich fingers rubbed them off over time. No, there was. There was. I bet that was the shiniest fucking keyboard in the world. You just eating handfuls of sausage sandwich and then typing away. No, honestly. None.

Fucking ice ring that keyboard. Hello, Rosie and Chris. Thought you might be interested to know that the popular theory at the moment is that they think the Loch Ness Monster is actually a whale's penis. Sorry? I don't know. Think it's a whale's penis, not a Loch Ness Monster is actually a whale's penis. Sorry? I don't know. I think it's a whale's penis, not a Loch Ness Monster. Sorry, do you know, I saw a thing recently that said at the moment,

the biggest ever search for the Loch Ness Monster is happening now in Scotland. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Apparently they're doing a huge, huge thing for it. Let's have a quick look on that. Oh my God. Yeah, yeah. But apparently the crack.

Yeah. Hold on. I'm going to type in Loch Ness Monster news on Google. Yeah, go on then. I want to know. Yeah, two days ago, hold on. I'm going to type in Loch Ness Monster News on Google. Yeah, go on then. I want to know. Yeah, two days ago, BBC News. Well, first, NBC News. Loch Ness Monster, largest hunt in decades, takes place.

BBC News, two days ago. Nessie hunters hear sounds but fail to record them. Nice one, guys. What? They've heard sounds but they fail to record them. Why do they fail to record them? I don't know. So the saga goes on.

There we go. The mystery of the fabled Loch Ness monster endures despite a weekend of mass participation, Nessie hunting. About 200 volunteers kept a lookout for mysterious events from the shoreline, but spotted nothing unusual. Observers on a boat using acoustic equipment reported four unidentified gloops, but then realised that their recording device

wasn't plugged in. Fucking hell. Organisers said visitors from around the world joined the hunt despite appalling weather. Okay, so there's congratulations to the

numerous gift shops around there who've obviously done very well. I know I was going to say if the jig is up they'd lose a lot of profits and I'd feel like that I'd be quite sad for that community

no I feel like if they found the monster and it was real and they were like that would be even better how? because loads of people would come to try and see it

no but I'm saying but if they found out that it wasn't real so you think the mystery the mystery keeps it going I'm telling you right now that person who heard

the four gloops but forgot to press record he owns a chippy round the corner yes I think so there'll be someone there'll literally be Mavis from the post office

did you hear that it's the Nessie where's Mavis from where's Mavis Mavis is from Scotland she's Scottish brilliant

sounds she's a fine wee lass a bunny no no no no no no no I give her me mamma's engagement ring and a bunny we touch and chill I met her at the wedding

in the corporate hall where I was the best man she was the belle of the ball oi Mavis post office representative why specifically the post office

because doesn't that how many tourists are going to the are going there and using the post office they're sending all the post office? How many tourists are going there and using the post office? They're sending all the postcards back to the mainland. Mavis is obviously from the 1950s as well. Mainland.

Mainland. It's not an island. Where is it exactly? It's on the coast. It's not an island. Where is it exactly? It's on the coast. It's not. It's a lake. It's a lock. Yeah.

I mean, it'll be near the coast because they reckon that there was a thing on it, but it's not on the coast. It's a lock. Do you think people are just looking at the sea? I fucking care as I do, man. Sorry. You thought the Loch Ness Monster...

Right, okay, fair enough. So is there an in and out, though, to the sea? There's got I do sorry you thought the Loch Ness Monster right okay fair enough but so is there an in and out though to the sea there's got to be I heard years ago

that they reckon there might be a tunnel underneath like some kind of when did this this is it's utter bollocks Chris

what do you mean it's utter bullshit someone from years they've kept this going for years somebody from years ago to get kids to not play

by the loch has made this up so no one will drown. Yeah. And it's just kept on going. Yeah. This is madness. Well, I mean,

no one's ever seen it. No. Well, it's like a lie that's got perpetuated over years and years and years but this is just about one thing. But yeah.

Wow. Fair enough. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hope you're well. Are you well? I'm all right. I'm a little bit stuffed up, but the Alabama hot pocket thing loosened us up a bit.

Got a runny nose. Thought I was going to cry. Other than that, yeah, all right. Okay. Yeah. I've just opened a party bag my son received from a four-year-old's birthday party and gone to eat the birthday cake inside.

Don't ever do that, but okay. My husband went mental, saying I should leave it for my son. Now... Oh, no, I just meant don't eat it at all, but okay. Oh, right, okay. Yeah.

Now, I know you steal Robin and Ray's birthday money for takeaways. When did we say that? Have we said that on here? Yeah, we did. Oh, Jesus, okay. Why are we the worst parents? They get enough, man.

What's a fucking seven-year-old going to do with a 20 quid note? He's going to spend it on shite. Well, this is... I've got a chicken tikka madras. We can't do that anymore with Robin. He's too old. He keeps all of his money. He's never in a bank of money.

He told me this morning he's got some money in a bag. What's this all about? Well, he did have, but I took it for parking yesterday. So how much was it? It was only four quid. Where's this money coming from? He just keeps getting change of stuff whenever he sees my mom and dad i think the film full of money my mom and dad i

feel like they do because i don't give him any money but then he spends it and then doesn't realize he spent it and then goes off still got that five quid and it's like no you spent it oh well he loved that on holiday though when we went in any shop and he got something on holiday like a snorkel and that and he was like this is coming out the holiday money isn't it not my money this is our money not my money yeah this is coming out of our money yeah yeah yeah so okay question is

am I out of order for eating the cake from a birthday party my three year old son attended no need to keep being honest I'm Charlotte

and I love cake hi Charlotte Charlotte that's very good to love cake but one you can get away with it for another couple of years here's my opinion on it

your kid has had enough sugary shit at that point definitely so the cake on the way home is basically you don't really need it no it's going to go dry

by tomorrow because it's only wrapped in I mean they wrap it it's so upsetting that they just wrap it in a bit of tissue that gets all the jam and cream and stuff on it

very annoying but I wouldn't eat it at all because I've spoke in the past at length so upset that they're just wrapping it in a bit of tissue that gets all the jam and cream and stuff on it. Very annoying. But I wouldn't eat it at all because I've spoke in the past at length about how I feel about children's birthday cake. If that cake has got candles in it

and the birthday boy or girl and their friends have all been I'm alright for a slice of that. Thank you very much. I'll have a Twix. Yeah. Mankey. I'll have one of the Haribo's. Mankey. See, I always eat it a slice of that. Thank you very much. I'll have a Twix. Yeah. Mankey.

I'll have one of the Haribo's. Mankey. See, I always eat it. Yeah, horrible. It keeps the immune system good. No, I'm absolutely alright for that. I think you are okay to get away with that for another year, but that's all you've got.

Because I think once they turn four, definitely five, they know exactly what's in that party bag. You're not getting any of it. Yeah. No, I think any of it. Yeah. I think you're right. But they have enough shit at the party. They have enough sweets

and all kinds of crap at the party. And sometimes they have a bit of cake at the party and then you go and have a bit home. Yeah. Well,

and if the kid forgets about it, I think that's fair play if you want to eat it and die from germs from children. That's true. Party bags are a bit ridiculous though,

aren't they? It's just got to be done, isn't it? It's just one of the things. If there's no party bag, people are like, oh, there's no party bag. Our friend recently

at a party, all the kids got a book on the way out. That was quite nice. Yeah, that was nice, actually. Yeah, good one. Good idea. We've got to do a party

for Robin this year. He wants it in the house. Not happening. I know. Not happening. He's not having a party here at home I don't like having massive groups of people at the house because everyone

wants something different and irritatingly specific all the time and we're the ones who've got to get it what's your wifi do you have any shallow balls for the baby such and such do you have any bottles with lids on? Where's your nail clippers?

Like, fucking... Have you moved in? Have you moved in or are you here for a finite amount of time and then you're going to fuck off? What, your Wi-Fi's irritating? Oh, sorry, conversation not good enough for you. I think we should get one of them buses with the games on. No.

Why? Because it pulls up at your house and everyone is like, can I use your toilet? Oh, I need to go and wash my hands. Oh, Robin, I want to show everyone my room. There's fucking 20 of the cunts. You're not showing them in your room? You're such a miserable bastard.

I can't bear it, man. Get a centre. Get a centre where we're going to have a big bin liner in the corner everyone finish all the rubbish in the bin liner kids in the bin liner back of the car

tip throw the kids in the tip come home I might have got mixed up with some stuff there the truth might have came up I asked him look

have the party at the tip get all them jumping the tip just a field just put them in a field let them run around in a field oh my god alright we understand you don't like people in your house I don't like I don't like large amounts in the gym. Just a field. Just put them in a field let them run around in a field. Oh my God.

Alright. We understand you don't like people in your house. I don't like large amounts of people in my house. Am I the only one here

that just thinks that everyone always wants something specific? I just think you're the only one that gets really irritated by it because I don't really mind. You've got your fucking tits in.

I don't mind. Where's your wine glasses? You've got your gin glasses? You've got your ice? Look, everything's there man! Why do you want something else you're such a knob you are such a knob stop thinking of stuff

any other crisps what crisps are these any other you got where's your butter I'm just putting some bread for the baby he doesn't like your crisps

oh god it's always that well whenever we have people around I always say just help yourself right I was asking me

for stuff maybe it's because I've said don't ask me just help yourself so they'll ask you is it bin bags oh alright man

misery fucking hell babadoo babadoo babadoo ba do do do do do do thanks again for listening to this week's episode

of Shagged Maradonoid it's been my birthday it's been lovely thank you for being here part of the ACAST creator network there we go last chance

last chance this week to vote for us in the NTAs please please go google National Television Awards and vote for us we're up against

Louis Theroux we're up against Piers Morgan we're up against Graham Norton. Powerhouses of TV interviews. And then us sitting in there. And hopefully we might win it if we vote.

It's going to be a good night. It'll be a good night. Let's get your face. Let's get your face. Let's get a bad eye. Train home in the morning though. Train home drunk from London gives me serious anxiety. It really upsets us.

We'll be fine. We'll be fine. It really upsets us. I might walk it. I might walk it. After I party it. So we'll be rebels. It really upsets us. We'll be fine. We'll be fine. It really upsets us. I might walk it. Shall we? I might walk it. Shall we after party it? Shall we be rebels? Let's, let's.

Couple of reasons. One, I don't think we ever get invited to the good after parties. No, we don't. We're not part crew. No, we're not. We're not in there enough. Yeah, you're totally right.

We've got a shit one. We're in there with like the photographers and the people who tell you where to stand. Yes. And then all the A-listers, they go to a different one.

Yeah, that's right. And we will be knackered and probably want to be in bed by about 10 o'clock. So let's hotel club sandwich. Club sandwich. Club sandwich! Let's do it. Happy days. Bye, guys.

Bye. Bye. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.