Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 234. Triple D

Episode Date: September 8, 2023

Chris and Rosie have been at the NTA's and they share all the gossip from their night! Also this week Rosie learns the names of her fingers and Chris explains his problem with inside toys being outside. QFTP's include a Bat or Bird dilemma and an unfortunate toilet based school story. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret.

It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. You know, don't. The first omen.

I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. I know the story. What story?

Who said that? The first omen. The Impeders Friday. Gets it gets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag Marginoid with National Television Award losers. La-hoo. Rosie. Zer-her. And Christopher Ramsey. Aww. Aww, yeah. with national television award losers and if you're listening to this what what you just listen to podcast about losers by losers

for losers eh you're fucking loser yeah we lost this is thursday the day before the podcast comes out we have never done this for a long long time but we haven't done this since lockdown now we're squeezing it in aren't we yeah we're squeezing it in, aren't we? Yeah, we're squeezing it in. We had Daisy. Daisy, we love you, by the way. You're amazing. She's going to turn it around in a day. She's going to take out all the huckling and coughing and sniffing and what we're saying next and all that bullshit.

And yeah, thank you all genuinely for voting for us in the NTAs. Thank you so, so much. We were sitting there with, like we say, the absolute big dogs. And yeah, thank you very much. Did you know that was a new category? Yeah. Yes. That explains it.

It was a new category, which I feel, looking back on it now, I'm like, we were in a category because Ant and Dec win every year. Yeah, I think,

yeah. And I think nobody else was getting a turn. Yeah, these Chacho horses need a turn, so let's give them their own category. Because it went in with entertainment. Yeah.

And then they're like, there's the three main categories. There's Piers, big dog. Louis Theroux, big dog. Graham Norton, big dog. Oh, there's a space. What else is there? Oh, M2.

Get M2 in. Get M2. Fill the seats. But well done, Graham Norton. That show's been going for years and it is epic. Such a good show. And he's never won before.

Yeah, and he's brilliant. Yeah. And he was, we've been on the show and the show's fantastic and he was so lovely to me when I was just

the warm up guy for the show and I always think that's a measure you never talk about that I always talk about that I talk about how far I've come

honestly it all used to be this all used to be fields if you don't know what warm up is it's a guy who comes out or girl before the show starts

and what is it rallies the crowd hardest job hardest job in show business the warm-up person hardest hardest job in show business we're gonna tell you all about the gossip of the ntas yeah not that we know any but we'll try our best we'll try our best so that's coming up in the body of the show today one thing i feel very i feel very like um radio today yeah i feel like sometimes the show well do you know what it is chris no we take the piss on here it's become very unprofessional right

we need to just get the point more okay and just you know I blame you because you haven't got any well like background in this so we're going to be

we're going to be talking about that in the body of the show but coming right up now we've got the jingle but first of all Chris is going to hit you with this week's sponsor okay here we go

come on Chris it's fast approaching 10am and just before we play what's the weather what's the weather Chris let 10am. And just before we play... What's the weather? What's the weather, Chris? Let them know the weather.

Just before we play the new track by Duralipa. And it's cloudy today with a chance of rain later on. But hopefully the sun will break through those clouds. Got any traffic? In the afternoon, yeah. The traffic, M25 gridlocked on the westbound north circular at Wembley. And the A1 clear. Because not many people live up here

compared to down there after half nine mental down there just get through straight away we have a rush hour it's literally an hour anyway look

it's fast approaching I love that fast approaching time's speeding up it's speeding up everyone would you get to the sponsor this is what I mean

you're waffle you're waffling listen come on no I will waffle as much as I want to waffle you want to fucking

you want to do 30 second little bits of chat you want to do 30 second little bits of chat that go no way you fuck back off the capital right 30 seconds

it was 13 seconds some links Chris were 13 seconds some links I didn't say anything I just sat there and I went woo that was it

there we go guys thank you so much for listening thank you so much being here thank you again thanks for voting if you did but thanks for just being part of a little gang and without further ado it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor this week's sponsor is and it's extremely topical because i just did it beforehand and nearly done myself a mischief swallowing a tablet dry oh don't do it kids have some water don't be a hero so you went rogue and tried to do it why

we've got these vitamin D tablets haven't we oh they're my tricky little dry little fellas the powdery oh well I didn't

realise I was making a coffee and they were above the coffee machine and I thought I'll be dead cool like in the films

where they're hoisting and then they click their head back I did that and it just got stuck what did it taste like

horrible horrible like chalk and I was running around the kitchen just coughing my eyes were streaming with a hoist and then they click their head back I did that and it just got stuck what did it taste like horrible horrible like chalk and I was running around the kitchen just coughing my eyes were streaming I haven't told you

because I wanted to save it for this I could have died down there I could have choked if only yeah if you go like that

if that's how you go shoddy that that will be I'll be so annoyed imagine the comedian in one last comed be so annoyed imagine the comedian in one last comedic dose of irony

the comedian was taking a tablet to boost his immune system and he choked on it and died what a fucking wanker I'll be so annoyed that'll be such an embarrassing what was daddy like what was daddy like mum

he was a fucking moron that's what he was died taking a vitamin D tablet the size of your toenail wreath at the age of two. They are dying.

They are absolutely dying. I took three in one go the other day. Is that bad? You think you're hard, do you? No, because I forgot. Kids, don't do drugs. Don't listen to this. You're three.

I forgot because I haven't been taking them and I thought, hey, you know what? I'm going to take three. And it was sunny outside. You did a D, D, D? I did a D. Triple D. Triple Ds. Triple DDD and I did a D triple D triple D

you triple dropped a triple D okay now god the hairs on my arms went blonder I swear if that's a thing

that is how how to tell you are on an old married podcast you're bragging about how many

vitamin D tablets my hair was thicker my teeth were whiter my fingernails I clipped them twice this week on an old married podcast. You're bragging about how many vitamin D tablets you took. My hair was thicker. My teeth were whiter. My fingernails, I clipped them twice this week. 30 vitamin D. Do you know what it is?

I know we talk about this all the time, but I wasn't going to tell you this, right? Because I know that you're catastrophizing. I know that you don't like things like this. I watch this, I follow a podcast online, a big podcast. And you get people, I'm not going to mention it. Everyone knows what it is.

You get people on and interviews them and it's a lot of gurus and a lot of like, you know, and then a lot of famous people. Every five minutes some fucking prick's telling us eight things you need to do.

Come on. Chris, today there's a guy on. Yeah. He's interviewing this guy and he's like, the number one reason why everybody is dying early.

Sugar. No. Apparently, apparently, we're not breathing properly you know what you're like what the fuck seriously i can't keep up i can't do it anymore we're not breathing probably everyone's breathing 99 of the of the of the entire world are breathing incorrectly and that's why we're all dying quicker and i was like yeah but we're but we're living long but humans are humans are currently living longer than we've ever lived so well well maybe he said it links to like adhd and and then he said this thing and he was like if you're if you if your child if you can hear your child breathing during the night red flag i was like fuck me i literally put my head in my kids rooms every night not even that far in and i can hear them really loud so now my kids my kids are fucking ill as shit and i'm

killing them by not getting them oh god i gotta keep i can't i can't keep living this life where everything's bad and everything's wrong and i just want to i just, I try Robin Eats Carrots sometimes and they had broccoli with their tea and I can't do it anymore. You said it before, to quote the fantastic comedian Pablo Francisco doing an impression of a 90s movie advert

of Morgan Freeman and Keanu Reeves We know too much. We do know too much. It's went too far it that obviously you're talking about Diary of a CEO

I am which I love I think it's a great podcast but he gets you're right he had one on the idea and it was like we've got an expert

on the number one thing that's killing everyone that you all eat you all eat it and it's killing you sugar it was sugar and I'm like

fuck me like but every five minutes on Instagram it's like you. Sugar. It was sugar. I'm like, fuck me. But every five minutes on Instagram it's like, do these eight things today and it'll change your life. Next one. These 20 things

to do every morning that'll make you live the... Next one. These 15 things to do before bed. What? Hey. Whoa.

Hey. What is all doing? How much time you all got? What's going on? How long is your fucking checklist before you have a shit in the morning? Oh my word too much

honestly some of these things if I've got to do all of these things every single day to live longer I'd want to live longer if I've got to do

all them things because it'll not be fun oh heaven honestly I'd happily check out 75 75 yeah cool let's do it I'm done

I've had a lovely time I mean it depends how we'll probably have grandkids and that hopefully then so maybe right okay 85 putting 10 year on okay good I'll cut down on the sugar We've had a lovely time. I mean, it depends how... We'll probably have grandkids in that, hopefully, then. So maybe, right, okay, 85. Putting 10 year on. Okay, good.

I'll cut down on the sugar. Everyone who's sorting all that out, if you can just log that. She wants to get out at 85, so just log that. And we'll sort that out. We'll have a whip round. I hope so. We'll sort that out.

We'll make sure that's the thing. But just make sure you're breathing properly, guys, because it's all about that breath. And if your kids are breathing too loud, then you fuck them. I couldn't do that. I couldn't. If I was him, hosting that podcast, and i had someone on every five minutes telling us everything was

wrong i could i fucking honestly i'd live in one of that you know michael jackson had one of them fucking air purifying bubbles i'd sit in that fucking did him like no for me personally right well yeah for me personally if these people came on and they said all of this obviously i'd be like wow that's amazing but then I would go right okay just to let you know I'm following you around for the next week and they'd be like

why? and I'd go because you've come on here shitting everyone up spouting all this to me shit my pants I'm going to check

you're doing it I'm going to check that you're living this life I'm literally I'm going to pop my head in on a night time I can hear you breathing motherfucker wake up wake up meditate for an hour then go back to Kip there was one reason all living this life. Yeah. I'm literally, I'm going to pop my head in on a night time. I can hear you breathing,

motherfucker. Wake up. Wake up, meditate for an hour and then go back to Kip. There was one reason where it said, don't breathe through your mouth when you're asleep.

Breathing through your mouth when you're asleep is really bad. You've got to breathe through your nose. I was like, what am I supposed to do? Gaffer,

take me fucking head shut. Honestly, get me back to the olden days where I belong. The olden days. I'm not in, I shouldn't be here. Yeah,

we're bloody, yeah, we're pregnant women smoked and bloody old men had a bottle of whiskey every morning

come on I'm Nancy get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back

get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back

get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back

get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back

get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back

get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back

get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back

get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back

get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back

get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back get me back Listen to a jingle. Do you want to listen to a jingle? It's going to take five seconds off your life. Have a kid, Kev. Hold on, ten seconds. You've just lost 15 seconds. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle.

Babadoo, babadooo babadoo babadoo Jingo Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married, Annoyed I wish I'd left the mic on there Because she just sat back and just started shouting and screaming Oh I just get annoyed Do you know what it is? It's just like

Don't give your children processed foods You're killing yourselves Do you know what it is? Stop selling it Stop making it and stop selling it Because classier drugs are illegal, right? You get put in prison. Yeah.

If you get, if you caught selling class A drugs, you get put in prison. If processed foods and all this stuff is killing me, then why, why are the big corporations still not making it?

For making money. Yeah, but I think it's all in moderation, isn't it? Life is about moderation. Possibly. I don't know. Is it about moderation? Do you know what I want to do? This is what I was was this is what i thought i'd forgot um i uh every time

you know every time like someone lives to like 110 or whatever like interview them they go well what's the you know what's the what's the secret to a long life and it's always like you know it's always like something like oh you know one one glass of whiskey a day or something or oh i never smoked or some of them are like oh i never drank or some of them are like, oh, I never drank or some of them are like, oh, regular sex or whatever. I want to live to like 150 and be like the most famous person in the world for living that long

and everyone's like, oh my God, is he alive? And I want to tell everyone something absolutely bollocks. Like what? I don't know. Cheese string a day? Yeah, like I put a cheese string up my arse every morning. Like, chewed it. Chewed the cheese string and pushed it right up my arse every morning. Like, chewed it. Chewed the cheese string and pushed it right up my arse.

Absolutely, I'll not be here. 150? Fuck. 150 days on this earth. Days? No. What is it years? What is it years?

How many days? Oh, it's too many. Too many days. Put a tablet in me tea. Put a tablet in it. But hey, just get your vitamin D. Choke on it. That'll be that.

Oh, well, there you go. That'll be that. Vitamin D's probably bad for you. Tablets are probably bad for you. Listen, let's stop. I it that'll be that that'll be that vitamin D's probably bad for you tablets are probably bad for you listen let's stop I'm so sorry

for being very miserable what's that you're about to drink what's that water water I don't know where it came from you can drown

in a glass of water no do you know what it is it's probably got fucking tampon juice in it and all sorts tampon juice there's chlorine

there's so many people that's been through probably got your set I don't say that it puts us off it plastic there's plastic in there

microplastic plastic in your blood oh let's all do you know what it is? I'm just going to stop watching stuff. I don't want to know any more information. Why do you think I watch shit TV? I watch really shit TV, trash TV,

because I just think, yeah, I'd rather watch people arguing about coming to an event than knowing how to breathe properly. So there you go. I'm going to have to find out how to breathe properly. I know you're supposed to breathe through your stomach. I don't even think it was that. I think it was about posture and all that shit.

Anyway. Oh, Jesus. Well, I've read it. No, I don't want to talk about it anymore. No, all I'm saying is, no, this is a good one. I've read a jiu-jitsu book by Hicks and Gracie and it's called Breathe.

And it's about how he... Oh my God, that might be him. Hicks and Gracie. That's the guy? His book's called Breathe? Oh my God. No be him Hicks and Gracie That's the guy his book's called Breathe Oh my god No it can't be It is It is

Hicks and Gracie's on the Diary of a CEO podcast I think so It can't be Chris I think it is his book is called Breathe Is it a yellow cover with the lungs on

No It's a man sitting in like a yoga position with the top off with the gi trousers on Right Well they call me two books call the same thing

The fucking can what do you think what do you think this is his might be breath I don't know his might be breath oh his is breath sorry

fuck me the new science of a lost art oh Jesus breath alright fair enough so yours is called breathe

the one that you're talking about he says that he has everyone he fought he's an undefeated fighter but everyone he fought he had a better card in him

because he would breathe through his stomach so you know so sometimes when a UFC fighter or a boxer is in the corner and in

between rounds and you look at them they're breathing but they're not heaving up and down with their chest their stomach's going in and out so that's like

pulls your diaphragm down a bit better and sometimes I do and it makes you breathe a bit better so if you want to just haul your little tummy out but that might be

that might be the wrong way I don't know what the right way is right that's it I'm not going to breathe again do you know no I feel terrible because I really don't want I don't want this man

or these people to think that we're slating them because I promise you I promise you we're not this man or these people to think that we're slating them because I promise you I promise you we're not and I think you're back can you please breathe thanks for that I don't

we're you know we've got a lot of listeners on here and I don't want to be slagging people off that's not that's not our crack but at the same time it's just

we know too much I'm alright for being told I'm breathing wrong anyway I'll stand by that we were at the National Television Awards the other night

yeah did you watch it on the telly did you did you did you enjoy it you pulled a silly face didn't you behind

Piers Morgan I didn't know you were doing that pulled a wink to the camera yeah do you know what it is I'd just seen the camera and I just thought

I'm gonna it's called finding the lens darling is it you found the lens I did because I thought sod it

I kind of knew by that point that we weren't going to win I was convinced it was him because he turned up I was because I thought sorry I kind of knew by that point that we weren't going to win I was convinced it was him because he turned up I was convinced

I was like he wouldn't have fucking turned up he's won we think that about everyone anyone with a big name who's turned up

during the awards we're like well that was the thing when I saw him in the bar I saw Piers Morgan in the bar and I was like

he's won he would not have turned up if he hadn't won then we're walking down the corridor and Louis Theroux was standing next to him

and I went nah he's won because he wouldn't have turned up if he hadn't won and then graham norton's team from so television were behind us and we know them yeah without graham norton and they went well graham's not here so we haven't won i went ah you haven't won but one of these two fuckers is what and then he won i know i don't know that's why honestly i can't do you know how much relief i felt at midday on the day of the nta is when no one could vote anymore i felt so much relief i get because i just like it's just like i get pure like

and not anxiety is overused word especially for me but i just get pure like stressed out about it i'm like i should be posting oh even if i post i should post it every single second of the day because even people get pissed off but then one more person might vote and it's like oh my god no i know i know but then i think the way you and it's like oh my god I need to let it go I think the way you need to look at awards we've won some really cool awards in the past right

which I think I don't know whether I'm not that competitive I'm kind of like I've won me awards now I'm really happy with what we've got obviously it would have

been amazing to win but at the same time you can't live like that man that's the first one Graham Norton's won and that's taken him like 20 years and he's an absolute

powerhouse do you know what I mean we literally look after his slot Norton's won. And that's taken him like 20 years. And he's an absolute powerhouse. Do you know what I mean? Like, we literally look after his slot when he's not on air. That's how big that show is. So, yeah. No, it's all good.

But thank you if you did vote. But yeah, we're Irish. Loud down to the nitty gritty. The gossip. The gossip. There wasn't that much gossip. There wasn't that much gossip. But one incredibly weird

and strange thing did happen. So, we went to the toilets, didn't we? We did. Obviously, classic, the world,

massive queue for the ladies' toilets. Men's toilets, I just waltzed right in but the next door to each other, you were in a queue of about 25 people. I was, yeah.

It's always the same with women's toilets, really irritating. And I went, see you sucker and I went straight in and I'm standing at the urinal

having a wee and then I just hear about two minutes later not even two minutes i just hear you going chris chris chris and i looked over and i was like what the hell and i watched you coming into the gentleman's toilets being like smuggled in like someone who was with you the person who smuggled you in looking like he was your bodyguard yeah opens up the cubicle and pushes you in the cubicle and goes go on love go in there and shuts the door so you can have a wee in the cubicle shane fucking richie's shane richie literally so you don't know this bit so we were all in the queue and shane richie's like fucking hell what are you doing ladies what are you doing it's free there's the cubicles are free in there what

are you doing queuing up and i'm thinking what It's free. The cubicles are free in there. What are you doing? Cueing up. And I'm thinking, what the hell's going on, right? He's vaping and that. And then he just locked eyes with me. Genuinely, I don't think he had any idea who I was at all. I just don't think he did. And then he just locked eyes with me

and I was like, I'll fuck him, man. Right. So, right, there we go. I did protest. No, I didn't. No, no, no, no. For the crowd,

I protested a little bit. I've just worked worked this out there's a queue of 25 women yeah 24 of which would never dream of going into the man's toilets for a piss shane richie says it because he's shane richie and he's you know a man of the people he's albert square's own shane richie you know he's working class lad he used to be a blue coat i'm your man he's one of us he looked at 24 women who would rather die than go to the bloke's toilet and And he saw your face light up like Charlie when he found the golden ticket. No, I did protest a little bit because I didn't know who was in that queue. While walking towards the men's toilet. TV execs and that could have been that queue.

And there's me. Oh, come in the bogs. No, I was like, no, I couldn't possibly. And then he grabbed me arm and I went, oh, go on then. And I was desperate for a week, to be fair. And he took you in. And then I seen you washing your hands. Well oh, go on then. And I was desperate for a week, to be fair. And he took you in. And then I seen you washing your hands. Well done, by the way,

because a lot of them weren't. Well, he stood outside the cubicle. He pushed you in the cubicle and you stood outside like a doorman. He stood there like a doorman or a bodyguard. You just stood there looking about. Well, no, sorry. No one.

Just, I haven't told you this yet. I was saving this for the podcast. Do you know how I get people mixed up? Oh, Jesus. Right. I didn't call him anything. So, I'm glad I didn't told you this yet I was saving this for the podcast do you know how I get people mixed up oh Jesus right I didn't call him anything so I'm glad I didn't right because

the name I was gonna who I thought it was I'll tell you no no no I'm gonna guess it right let me write it down well hang on

so you mentioned his name right and I went right that's the one right there's three of them there's three blokes

who I think are the same bloke hold on let me write them down okay I've wrote them down here there's three of them there's three blokes who

they're all different they're all very different but I always just think that they're the same person right okay hold on hold on

don't say it right right I've got them both well I've wrote them on a bit of paper and I'm putting it down. I want us to see if we get it the same. Give me the bit of paper. It's in that corner. On the other side. You'll see it.

It's in the top corner. They're the two that I've written. Have I got exactly the same ones? Fucking hell. Bradley Walsh and Brian Connolly. And Shane Ritchie. I knew it. Same man.

Same man. The same one. The same people. What the fuck? I nearly called him Brian Connolly. Oh, but fuck's sake. I swear to God. And then you went Shane Ritchie.

And I was like, oh God, it's Shane Ritchie. Of course it is. Oh my God. And then Bradley Walsh. You shouldn't be allowed out in public. I genuinely think they're the same person. You shouldn't be allowed out with these places. I know. Yeah. So Brian Connolly, was he the one? It's a is. God. And then Bradley Walsh. You shouldn't be allowed out in public. I generally think they're the same person. You shouldn't be allowed out with these places. I know.

Yeah. So Brian Colley, was he the one? It's a puppet. Yeah, and his brother is a floor manager. His brother was floor managing the NTS. With the grey hair? Blonde hair. Blonde hair, sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. He does all that in depth stuff. Yeah, and he does the, didn't he do Strictly? Yeah, he does Strictly as well, yeah. Yeah, lovely bloke. And then Bradley Walsh is the chase yeah

and then Shane Ritchie is you know what's wrong with you man EastEnders what's wrong with you well you knew so you think the same yeah

no I don't think the same no they're the same now they're the same generation I know how your brain works in years to come yeah in years to come right

people now young people now in years to come will be seeing that comedian and they'll go Ian Sterling Joel Domet and Chris Ramsey in the same breath I be saying that comedian and they'll go Ian Sterling Joel Domet and Chris Ramsey

in the same breath I'll take that and you should take that because that's a compliment I'll take that but that's what I mean yous are the same age yous look similar

white men yeah in that game I'll take that so yeah but then I talked to Shane Ritchie about being a blue coat because he was a blue coat

at Breen and so was his son well you're missing out a very so he gave me my new phrase my new favourite phrase that I've never used And then I talked to Shane Ritchie about being a blue coat, because he was a blue coat at Breen. Well, you're missing out a very... So he gave me my new phrase, my new favourite phrase that I've never used since, but I'm keeping it in me locker, I'm going to use it.

So me and him were standing outside the toilet, chatting outside the cubicle, and you were inside the cubicle, whinging that it smells. And I was like, yes, the boys' toilet does smell. It was awful. And then he went, you all right in there, love? You having a muck out?

You having a muck out? I went, a what? You having a muck out? You having a muck out? I went, a what? You having a muck out? A muck out. You meant shit, didn't you? A poo? Yeah. A muck out?

I've never heard that. I was buzzing with that. I can't wait in a public place to stand up and go, I'm just going for a quick muck out. And he also invited us to go to the square. We're going to the square? You want to go to the square? Do you want to come to the square? So we're going to go to the square at some point.

I've looked around. It was just a great night great night had by all great night had by all just a lovely conversation I had with TV Shane Ritchie while the sound of my wife pissing

rung in the background just just what it's why it's why I got into this business it's true it was a lovely night

well done everyone who won it was a genuinely nice night we did leave early because Chris is a party pooper. It was, it's fucking miles away. Apologies to everyone that had to come to our O2 show. Jesus. Yeah, it is.

It's miles away. True. And I knew what time room service finished at the hotel as well. I know you did. So we went back, I got a bowl of pasta. It was absolutely amazing. Yeah, you did, you little scoffer. So don't you dare have a go at me. Yeah. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Very quick question for you. Okay okay which finger do you use to put pseudocrem on rave's ass wow uh genuinely didn't see that coming um i use my index finger which

one's that is that the second one are you saying one in are you serious i don't know which one's an index finger. Are you serious? Is this a joke? You don't know? No. Is this a... Everyone... Is anyone listening surprised by this? You don't know what an index finger is. I know what it is.

I just don't... I don't know if I'm certain. I've got it. It's the second one. That's the index finger. And then... What? Chris, what are the...

Right. There's my fingers yes right what's that one little finger or the Americans call it our pinky yeah right what's that one third one off what's it called what goes on that when you get married you wear a ring finger that's your ring finger right okay for both hands index what is it what am i doing giving us You're swearing eyes. Right, but do you call that sticking up your index finger? Or do you call that sticking up your...

Your V? What? That's a V. What is that? Middle. Middle finger. What's the next one? So that's your index finger. I am...

I'm shocked. Is everybody meant to know that? Everyone does know that. Do they? No wonder you panicked when you thought you weren't breathing properly. You might not be breathing properly. I'm shocked is everybody meant to know that everyone does know that do they no wonder you panicked when you thought you weren't breathing properly you might not be breathing properly

do you breathe in through your arse yes I don't think right okay no but now I know I know so thumb thumb

index middle ring pingy there we go it's not pingy what's it called little

little finger right alright well I'll use my middle finger to put your pseudocrem on. Right, I don't think anyone cares about that now. You've gone this far, 37, without knowing. Guys, this

isn't made up, you know. We don't go, like, there's no, we don't go, I'll be, like, you know, be, like, stupid and I can take the mick out of you, pretend you don't know stuff. Okay. I am, I'm. Put me in a situation where I need to know what me fingers are called and then tell me that

I don't know something really important hello 111 what seems to be the problem Mrs Ramsey oh your finger's hurting oh which finger I'd say me second one in

and they'd go your middle finger and I'd go that's the one didn't need to know what are you ringing 111 for anyway about your fingers what are you ringing 111 for anyway about your fingers?

What are you ringing 111 for? Pathetic. Why does this get brought up? I don't think that this is a thing that everybody knows. You don't think that everyone knows. Does everyone know left and right? That's different. It's not.

It is. You have to know your left and right to drive a car. You have to know your left and right to get to places. You don't have to know what your fingers are called. Wow. Oh, I'm sorry. I disagree with that. And I did know. It's just I didn't know what fucking what your fingers are called wow oh i'm sorry i don't i disagree with that and i did know it's just i didn't know what order they were i can count i just don't know what order the numbers go in maybe this is something that i

think a lot of me specifically and i think a lot of adults thing you get taught these things and then you don't remember them and then there never comes an opportunity to find out and you just got to go through pretending that you do know. Okay. Your toes got names? No. They're just the same.

Fuck my ass. Okay. Yeah, your ring toe. There's no ring toe, is there? No. Big toe? Is it a little toe? Middle toe?

I do know that if you don't have some of your toes, you can't walk because they balance you out. Okay. Wow. Yeah. I'll tell you, I'll be honest with you don't have some of your tools, you can't walk. Okay. Because they balance you out. Okay. Wow. Yeah. I'll tell you, I'll be honest with you,

I think I might have cheated in knowing all the fingers because in The Way I Am by Eminem, he says, the media immediately points a finger at me, so I point one back at him, but not the index or pinky or the ring or the thumb. It's the one you put up when you don't give a fuck, when you walk the middle one. So there you go.

So I'm sorry. But he doesn't say middle finger. I'm in shock that you've got children. I don't think that's a... I genuinely didn't think this would go here, but I didn't think that was a bad thing to not know that. Why were you asking us what finger I put it on? Just, you know what it is?

I was putting Pseudocrem on the band the other day, and I was like, I use the same finger all the time, because it's my longest finger. Yeah. That middle finger. So when I press... To get into the thing. And I just thought,

it's really grim putting Sudocrem on a baby's arse, isn't it? Yeah, it works fast, though. It is good. Not Sudocrem-like. Got a red robe on, bit of Sudocrem on, next time he changes his nappy, he's fine. It's great, isn't it? Unbelievable.

Just something that I thought I'd ask you. So, Robin, whenever I'm in the car, if I'm, like. Got a red robe on, bit of Sudocrem on. Next time he changes his nappy, he's fine. It's great, isn't it? Unbelievable. Just something that I thought I'd ask you. So, Robin, whenever I'm in the car, if I'm changing something on the screen of the car, like the little radio touchscreen thing,

I use my middle finger because I don't have to reach as far. Yeah. And if Robin's sitting in the front of a little treat, it's a short journey, he's in the front,

he goes, why are you using that finger? Oh. He always asks us, and I go, because it's close to the screen. And he can't,

but I get you. It is. Sometimes the way you stretch. It is. It's bigger than the rest. Use me in the finger finger just so you know use my index finger and then I clean it on the nabby right where his bum would be on the nabby so he gets double double so waste not want not yeah I usually use a wipe to wipe it off because I try to wash it straight in the water and the sink and it's just it's aqua resistant it is yeah aquaphobic so sorry about that guys

let's carry on yeah I mean wow raising children doesn't know what oh there we go I just dropped my phone fool

absolute fool babadoo babadoo babadoo bah it's time for what's your beef what's your beef what's your beef what's your beef

beef beef beef beef beef beef beef love beef ladies first and I'm pointing at you with my first finger next to thumb What a beef, what a beef, what a beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Ladies first, and I'm pointing at you with my first finger next to thumb. Index finger. Index finger, well done. Thank you.

Good God. You are, you're not getting any better at being really melodramatic about really ridiculous things. Okay. I just thought you would get better, but the way that you speak and the way that you say things is ridiculous so we uh rob rave sorry our youngest rave two and a half is currently a little bit obsessed with these two lego characters that robin has they're mario and luigi yes and they make they're like luigi like they have batteries in it's weird yeah it's the interactive mario yeah yeah yeah loves them right obsessed them. Doesn't really play with them, just kind of holds them and carries them around. You said to me the other day. Yeah.

It was actually a little while ago, but I wrote this down. This is the exact conversation that we had, right? So you went to me, where are Mario and Luigi? And I replied, I think they're outside. And you replied,

that's me nightmare. Yeah. That's me nightmare yeah that's me nightmare that's your nightmare yeah your nightmare is that two toys inside toys outside

are outside inside toys outside and I'm not the reason I wrote this down was because he didn't say it in a joking way he literally was like that's me nightmare

and then walked off like what yeah yeah why live in such a high state of drama all the time? Why live in a world where outside toys and inside toys are interchangeable? I don't care.

I care. Because I'm the one who gets, where's Mario and Luigi? Let's set this up, Dad. Why is Mario not working? Where's Mario's hat? Where's Luigi's hat? I don't know. Your fucking mam, or possibly mam or Sandra,

just let you leave them outside in the pissing down rain I just think sometimes why doesn't Mario and Luigi work anymore why can't I lie them down the favourite thing I like to do dad is lie Mario down

and he starts snoring and sleeping when you lie him down and Luigi lies next to him and when Luigi snores he goes they're both laughing at it

they think it's great oh it can't happen now because fucking mam are and mam let we put them outside in a paddling pool because there's no fucking rules anymore

well I think our children are too spoiled because I think all their batteries are always in their toys. You've got a thing about this, haven't you? I just think they need to grow up a little bit, sometimes being gutted that things don't work. But why just break stuff? Why just allow things to be broken? It's disgraceful.

In my defence, I wouldn't do it deliberately. They were just having to be outside. An extra toy shouldn't be left outside. i don't think they were outside though i just said the very idea that you thought they could have just been outside is disgusting we're not getting annoyed at me not knowing where toys are we're getting annoyed at you being ridiculous about it like what why couldn't you just said do you know where they are and i went and they might be outside or they're upstairs and you're gone all right no worries i'll have a look literally i went outside i searched i was yeah i went outside i searched in the plants i searched everywhere they weren't thankfully they were upstairs in the loft i knew they would have been oh god right what's your people mean oh apart from

the fact that you and your mom just interchange do you know what your mom does as well oh don't ask me weekly before sandra she takes parts of toy sets to her house and we'll never see them again so there'll be a full set of cars of things of all this and it'll have say the set's got 15 pieces

she'll take 7 of them to her house and they're gone she also takes clothes oh yeah yeah she takes loads of clothes fucking magpie she sends me

she sends me videos of like and listen me mum's amazing like you know your parents are amazing we've got such a good child care but she sent us a video

of the kids at the beach the other day and I was like I've been looking about that for weeks and you've got them on the bit which is fine

but like just oh hey they love it they love a bit of my mum my beef with you and I don't know I may have done this before, but it's a rehash, right?

It's a double-headed. Do you know what? Sorry. Getting into autumn now. Corn, beef, hash. Wow. Wow. I'm really hungry.

Because I said beef and hash. Yeah, I'm starving. Not beef. Corn, beef. Oh, corn, beef. I'm starving. Okay. Now, my beef with you,

apart from your brain's a pinball machine and we're working again now i've had the summer i've been afforded a lovely summer at home with the kids but we're working i went out to do some filming the other day and then i was in the hotel we'll do that thing where i'm down for like three nights and i'm in the hotel and then we'll go okay well rather than change an hotel you just come and meet me in the hotel. That room. Oh God, don't, what? That room, when it's just me for three days in that hotel,

is like a military platoon. Oh, it's horrible. It's like American Psycho vibes. It's perfect. Like Christian Bale. Everything's lined up. Everything's perfect. Stuff's unpacked.

You know, everything's where it should be. You come in. That cupboard was so icky open the cupboard and it was just all of Chris's clothes

everything hung up what was it it's like do you live here now yeah for five days I live here I've been there three days

you come in and it is absolute carnage like you just come in just open your toilet you walk into the bathroom open your toilet

bag and just you must just throw it into the air because it's just stuff everywhere lids over here bottoms on there you all the little things in the shower are just everywhere there's razors lying about it's like i'd been there for three nights and you made more mess in 20 minutes than i'd made in three nights and i had three meals in that room right and not just that and this has been one for a while now i now always take a much

bigger case when we go anywhere together and you go we taking that massive case for and it's because you have some kind of you when you're at home you can pack a case and it's packed and it's perfect and it's bulging at the seams and it's just like it's as full as it could possibly be and we get there and i don't know whether you just fill all your stuff with a and you're going to put it back in the kit and you go i haven't got room how did you bring it all down you haven't bought anything new you haven't acquired any other stuff if anything you probably ate most of the stuff that was in your case that you brought down because you probably want snacks and all kinds excuse me i don't like i have to i have to repack your case for you when we're leaving a hotel

got no answer for you chris it baffles me as well that's why I bring a bigger case to put to put your overflow of shit in I had to put overflow of your stuff in my case but then you go why are you taking that

massive case it's ridiculous and you go no it's half empty it's half empty mate no don't take that back

I always tell you to take a bigger case because you always take a tiny case and I go why are you taking that tiny case you're misremembering stuff

you might as well have room I am absolutely not I said I'm going to take one of the new big cases and you said why take the big case and I go why are you taking that tiny case? You're misremembering stuff here. You might as well have room I am absolutely not. I said I'm going to take one of the new big cases and you said why take the big case? No I would never say that. I love packing loads I was annoyed I took a small case to be honest with you that's bullshit, apologise. Three bags

you had, you had three bags. Yeah and I was actually seething. Suitcase, suit bag, shoulder bag, hand bag. We need a medium suitcase. That's a problem. Oh, that's one of the problems. We go through suitcases. We were talking about this.

We go through suitcases like bloody hot dinners. It is ridiculous. It is ridiculous. Most normal people will use a suitcase twice a year. Yeah. We bought some in the summer. We've used them about 10 times. I know.

It's mad. They're fucked. One trip as well. I don't know what them baggage handlers do. What the plane? Well, this is why I think material suitcases are the way to go. But then they can rip.

We went rogue and we tried getting one of the, like, what are they called, man? Like the tortoiseshell ones? Yeah, like the case, the hard case ones. Yeah, scruffy, man. Recycled.

They're recycled. Oh, fucking hell. Honestly, I think the baggage guys, I think they're sitting on them and going down slides. It's unbelievable. They just hide them. I mean, they've got,

it's probably a difficult job to be fair, but yeah. Can't slag anyone off these days, can you? No, I can't. No, I take it back. That's it.

We'll slag them off. They'll see how our case is and that's it. And they're going on a holiday, are you? Yeah. Fuck you, Ramsey. Gone.

Kicking off the back of the plane. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care.

From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisech No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying.

Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen.

In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play.

Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com it's time for questions from the public what's this question from the public public public public just a new tune let us know though what you i'm doing the like the normal one and you've what the hell's going on sorry you've gone rogue you've gone solo

ooh what I recorded some of the singing last night from the concert that I'm doing oh okay that's cool I'll show you later cool

you got any questions I do yeah I do hi Rosie and Chris oh no as always if you want to get in touch it's shagmountainord at gmail.com oh god

here's a quick would you rather. Love them. Right. You're offered 50 grand. Right. But if you accept it, the person you hate the most gets 100 grand. Would you rather take it or leave it?

This person says, it's a no from me. I'd rather be poor than give money to an enemy. Wow. I've seen this online. Oh, have you? And the top reply is, absolutely, why would I not want 150 grand? So they are the person that they hate the most.

They hate themselves. Okay, fair enough. Which is great. But it is a really good question. But my question would be, who do I hate most in the world? I don't think I hate anyone. No, me anyone no me neither dislike i dislike a lot of people but i don't think i hate anyone trying to think of someone i actually dislike i mean in moments if we've just had a blaring argument don't say me no but there is there's moments that's a beautiful thing about

marriage you can literally tell someone to fuck off to their face and be like fuck you and then you're like you hate me no but in argument i did i just said that i don't hate anyone so get that out of your mind then but then you very quickly went to my name because that's the thing about marriage in that moment you can really really dislike each other oh yeah but still love each other and go you know we're not going anywhere so if you just came in if you came in just after we'd had a blera and put a microphone in your face like the dad's doorstep challenge and offered us that we'd have 150 grand in our bank in our joint bank account okay that would be magic yeah um i would personally i would i would do it it's 50 grand better than out so i think this story and hopefully the person i hate who gets under

grand hopefully will choke on it or you you can eat yours like. Maybe. No, I don't know. No, I would do it. I think this is a hypothetical question given to teenagers who are at school and high school and they hate someone and they think they hate someone.

It's the most annoying part. So imagine, go back to school and now imagine you're going to get a shitload of money but the person you absolutely hate the most is going to get a shitload of money, but the person you absolutely hate the most is going to get double it.

And you know what? I probably wouldn't. I'm quite vindictive. I'd probably say no. In this scenario, if there's someone I hate, hate, hated more than anyone in the world, would I want them getting double my prize money? Absolutely not. Yeah, but then you'd be left with nothing.

Yeah, but then they'd be left with nothing as well. Oh, no. I would do it. Could you maybe get them it and get you it, but then you know what's happening, you'd just go and rob them? No. I don't think that's part of it.

I feel like it's part of it. Well, there's a lesson in this, isn't there? I think this divides people. Yeah? Yeah, because that's... Yeah, I would take the 50 grand. But like you say, I don't hate anyone enough. I'd be like, enjoy 100 grand, you dick. But I don't hate anyone enough I'd be like enjoy 100 grand

you dick but I wouldn't you know it's quite nice actually knowing you don't hate anyone isn't that a nice thing who's this maniac with 150 grand to spare

going around what's his face man he does all of them Elon Elon so he's best at overloads of money by name

it's him he does all the what you're all there is he kidding us he's nearly given mes of money by name it's him he does all the would you rather's are you kidding us he's nearly given me a million pounds for eating a shit yeah I remember

yeah he did didn't he yeah yeah yeah great oh what a guy what a guy what a kind man to have that kind of disposable income

and that kind of time on your hands must be great must be great just I think if you were a billionaire right I think you would just a billionaire right, I think

you would just go around doing would you rathers. Me? I've told you I said it to Carl Hutchinson once. I said it to Carl Hutchinson once. I said you want to pray because I used to ask him loads of would you rathers in the van I said you want to pray I don't win euro millions or something because my I will dedicate a quarter of my euro millions to making you do mad stuff

I would. I know you would. I know you would. I got him once, I think I got him once to say that he would drink a gallon of water from the Thames

to be a WWE wrestler for the night. Well that's, Carl Hutchinson loves wrestling so much that money just didn't mean

anything to him but being a wrestler for the night meant more. Yeah because he didn't want to be ill I would go would you drink water?

Because I think we're going past the Thames on two hour ones and it was one of them days where the light catches it and it's like brown. Oh God, why is it so disgusting? God,

it's just a river in a city, isn't it? But how are we? That's lovely. You're joking, aren't you? It's fucking disgusting. No, but the river, it used to look

at the colour of water. Sometimes. Depends. I think I caught it. I think I caught the Thames on a really bad day. But turns out that literally one glass full of Thames water will hospitalise you. So don't be drinking. Don't be giving of water. Sometimes. Depends. I think I caught it. I think I caught the Thames on a really bad day. But turns out that literally one glass full of Thames water

will hospitalise you so don't be drinking. Don't be giving anyone a drink. Would it? WWE superstardom or not, don't be drinking a gallon of Thames water. No, let's not. You will die.

Hi Rosie and Chris. I've just been listening to episode 225 where you're discussing a teacher who got students to vote on who they thought had farted.

Do you remember? Because no one owned up. If you're new to the podcast, discussing a teacher who got students to vote on who they thought had farted. Do you remember? Yeah. Because no one owned up. If you're new to the podcast, this is the level. Yeah. Don't be expecting any high-brow shit. If you spotted us on the NTAs and thought, I'll have a listen to this, this is it.

Oh, yeah. People are... We are getting correspondence in relation to talking about a story where a teacher voted on kids who fought. This is where we are. This is the level. We're never going to change for anyone. No, fuck that.

I'm dead happy doing what we do. I love talking about shit. I love talking about wanking and cumming and tits and all that stuff. Snip that up for the next advert for the podcast. I do, I do, I do. Don't care, right? Because this is called escapism.

And this is how people talk with their peers. But me and Chris are just happy to do it on a bigger platform. We might be the only podcast where people actually listen with headphones when they're in the house on their own rather than put it on a speaker just in case someone outside hears

or maybe a postman or something. Yeah, okay. So anyway, so this is... We're listening to that. And following your discussion of whether students fart openly in school, because I was intrigued. I was intrigued to know, speaking as me, Rosie.

Our son, Robin, told me that someone farted on the school bus yesterday. Oh, really? You couldn't believe his look. Oh, he'll be doing it now. He's like, I had a hole in my nose, it was disgusting, I couldn't breathe. My first thought was, I bet it was you. No, he wouldn't. I don't think he would.

Not yet. Give him a couple more years. Following your discussion of whether students fart openly in school, as a current high school teacher, I can confirm students do not care

whether you know they farted. In fact, they are very proud of it. Wow. I have had students asked to go outside to fart, stand up and fart, and waft it around them,

and even walk to the front of the classroom, lift up one leg, and let one rip. Fantastic. In brackets, honestly, who these lift up one leg, and let one rip. Fantastic. In brackets, honestly, who these child's parents are, I do not know.

Confidence of this generation. Sadly, probably us. Yeah. But once, we laugh a lot at pumps in this house. Pumps are brilliant. And I don't know whether, you know,

like, is that a good thing? I feel like if you're not laughing at pumps, what's the point anymore? What's the point in life? What's the point? Yeah. It's perfect. Yeah, honestly. It's hilarious. Like, killers. like killers how you can't laugh at a fart yeah like when the kids

fart when it's we laugh the most when rave farts yeah yeah yeah because he goes he's like robin finds it hilarious but rave will fart and go what's that it's fucking you it's like a dog you ever seen a dog fart and get scared? Get angry? Who? Me? Okay, but one story that will always stick with me happened to a colleague

in my department. Two boys, brackets, and sorry, Chris, it is usually boys. I'm yet to find a girl that openly farts in school. Fair enough. Yeah, that's true.

Two boys decided to have a farting competition in the middle of English. Farting competition. I'm not sure what the purpose of this competition was, but can safely say there was a clear winner. One boy, let's call him John, took this competition far too seriously

and squeezed as hard as he could to get out what he hoped would be the winning fart. Instead, a poo came out. Of course. In the middle of class. Shout himself. He raised his hand, started, stated he had in fact pooed himself and needed to be excused. As he was escorted out of the classroom, he gave a quick shake of his trouser leg and a solid round poo slipped down his leg and onto the floor. Wow. In the middle of the corridor, two minutes before break time.

Wow. That's rank. I was a new teacher at the time, but as I was passing the scene of the crime I was tasked with the role of guarding the poo. Not something I had covered in training. While students had to go around, all of course disguised but unable to hide their

curiosity. The poo was removed by the poor 70 year old caretaker with a poo bag like a dog. Make the kid remove it. Yes. the kid remove it yes make him remove it there's a bag pick your own

pick your own shit up you dirty dirty little rotter I know it is manky he was lucky

it was a solid as well like has he not got kegs on what's going on what's happened to this generation I don't know

broken Britain broken Britain how dehydrated is this kid how dehydrated is this kid how dehydrated is this kid that he's knocking out

rabbit shits rolling down his leg like fucking pool balls what the hell is going on it'll be all that

processed food he's added oh but yeah he's not breathing properly the story obviously got around school

within the 10 minutes of break and discussions in the staff room were god how embarrassing that poor

child eh he'll not be back for days well john returned within the hour clean trousers a grin on his face and became a living legend amongst his peers i will never understand teenage boys own it you gotta own it that's the thing if he disappeared

if he disappeared home and let people chat about it for a couple of days he'd have come back mortified they'll have seen that sort of the chink in his armor and they'll have went for it he owned it he'd be fruited by john yeah i am the shitter wow fair play i've got to respect that no i don't respect that that age though that kind of like mental mental fortitude's probably the rock but that kind of like of confidence and that almost emotional maturity to not go, oh God, what have I done? I think kids are a lot more confident now.

But how unvulnerable is John mentally and emotionally that he can just knock a shit down his trouser leg and be like, high fives when I get back once I've washed me hands, dickheads. Like, unbelievable. I envy it. Got the lost and found for some new cakes like i just remember kids like

like when i was at school lads who were like so that could talk to girls so well and they're just it was impossible to take the piss out of them and the watch like that he'll be one of them kind of lads can't take the piss out of him he's not bothered laughs if you try and take the piss out of them in the wadjet like that he'll be one of them kind of lads can't take the piss out of him he's not bothered laughs if you're trying to take the piss can take the piss out of other people really easily can talk to lasses did you talk to girls at school i wasn't great at it like no one i was just joking and being silly and being daft yeah there was no girl none of the sort of girls hang around with any girls nah no nah none of the girls in my class would have been like you know know, oh, I fancy him.

They'd have been like, oh, he's funny, or he's nice, or he's canny. I was friends with girls, but I didn't like hang around with them. Like when we just got to my mate's house on a Friday night, they're like, watch Band of Brothers and eat pizza. If a girl had turned up, I believe we'd have all just sat in the corner

staring at them, terrified. Like there was a fucking lion in the room. Have I married the school nerd? Yeah, but I never shat myself, so there's that. You shat yourself. I was in the middle of the door. That was really little.

You still shat yourself. I never shat myself. I did shit myself at school. I've told you once, haven't I, that I came home. We've talked about that in an episode. I think so. Yeah, cow pad.

Big cow pad in your knickers. Came home, sat on the sofa. Your mum's like, what can I smell? Check everyone Big cow pad in your knickers. Came home, sat on the sofa. Your mom's like, what can I smell? Checked everyone's shoes. Checked your knickers. Big old giant melted brownie right in your old knickers. Wasn't as young as you think.

I must have mentioned. It's awful, that thing. I must have mentioned. The annoying bit that it was all over your tampon oh god there you went that old I must have mentioned the time when

I've just I've got this I was in the infants we weren't a religious family but I was in the infants and I came home and me mam said that she took me

she took me me little me t-shirt with a collar off I had like a polo what are they called polo shirt she took me little T-shirt with a collar off. I had like a polo, what are they called? Polo shirt. Polo shirt. She took me T-shirt off. Hold on, you know your index finger,

but you don't know what a polo shirt's called. Because I get stupid. What's polo neck? What's a polo neck? Polo neck is the one that looks like foreskin. I thought that was a turtleneck. No, it's a polo neck. What's a turtleneck?

Same. Ridiculous. And then it's polo shirt. Wrong. With a collar. So anyway. It's not wrong, it's right. I think it's wrongo neck what's a turtleneck same ridiculous and then it's polo shirt wrong with the collar so anyway it's not wrong i think it's wrong t-shirt with a collar and my mom it looked yellow or something and my mom smelled it and said it smelled like wee and she was like have your weed on this and i must have been six or seven and i just remember so clearly i go have your weed on this and i'm going no and she's going have you and i was going no like even at that age i remember thinking how how would i have weed on it why would i have weed on it when i've took it off and weed in it but i didn't you know i don't know i don't

know what you thought and she made a swear on the bible that i hadn't weed on it you're not even not even a religious i remember you know the spare room at the top of the stairs on the left she went upstairs yeah yeah went upstairs got a got a bible you know the spare room at the top of the stairs on the left she went upstairs yeah yeah went upstairs got a Bible why there's a Bible in there

like a fucking guest room like the Gideons have put it there in the guest room she got the Bible and made us put my hand on it and made us swear

that I hadn't like it was mad and we're not even religious it's so strange that's hilarious why did I not know that I can't believe I haven't told you that

swear swear on this Bible that you didn't wee on your poor shirt. Swear on the Bible that means nothing to you. Yeah. Like you've not peed on your poor shirt. Well, no, because we did, you know, loads of praying after assembly and all that stuff.

Well, you weirdly, you quite liked all of the religious stuff, didn't you, when you were little? Do you think it's because it wasn't rammed down your throat that you actually had a bit more of an interest in it? I liked all the stories in that. I loved all the stories in that. I came in after religious studies once

and my dad told us it was all bollocks oh that's nice and I think I was about six and he was like it's all bollocks his exact words if you've got children listening

I don't know why but if you've got children listening stop them listening right now before I say this his exact words were it's all it's all rubbish son just like Santa Claus

no he didn't I was six my mum bollocked him apparently I didn't hear him apparently I didn't hear him but it was it was all bollock it's all bollock

so just like Santa Claus shut up he must have been having a really bad day he must have been having a really bad day he am seething yeah yeah

oh I love your dad don't tell us that that's oh yeah Billy yeah then er my mum had to say

get him to say that he was lying that he was just being silly he swore on the bible that he was being silly what's going on we're going to uncover some trauma from Chris's past life that he was lying, that he was just being silly. He swore on the Bible that he was being silly. What's going on? We're going to uncover some trauma from Chris's past life.

Swear on this Bible. We're digging deep. We're digging deep. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Can you please settle a debate for us? Always. We were watching an episode of Jeopardy.

What is Jeopardy? It's that weird show. It's not weird. I mean, it's a very, very popular show in America. But it's where they have to answer the question with like, what is a... The answer's always, what is a... And then they put the answer. So when they say the answer,

it has to be, what is a such and such? They have to say it like it's a question. Is it a quiz show? It's a quiz show in America. Oh, right, okay. But the answer is, you know, it'll be the answer is you know it'll be like for instance it'll be like what is the name of the invisible line that runs all the way around the middle of the earth beep chris uh what is the equator you have to answer it like that rather than saying

the equator i have to say what is the equator and i don't know why i've only seen clips of it on movies absolutely lost us when we were when we were at the NTAs, Lee Mack won the award. Well done for the 1%. Yeah, congratulations, Lee. They played a clip of the show. The 1% Club. Yeah.

No idea. Yeah, you are... I don't get that. Sorry to talk about the NTAs again, but there's cameras roving around and they just randomly get... It's quite stressful. You can't relax

for the entire time. You've got to stand there smiling. As soon as you're in there, you're breathing um stressful you can't relax for the entire time you've got to stand there smiling as soon as you're in there you're breathing in you know you can't be wrong probably breathing wrong um there's there's literally cameras just come on you all the time to get your reactions just randomly at one point joel dommer did one of the segments uh sitting on me knee he didn't explain why it was never referenced i don't know why it happened still a bit weird but you know i've had worse looking guys sit on my knee um so but it come up on it was like and the nominees are lee mack the one percent club and it came up and i watched the clip and it showed the guy get it right and you literally let into me when do you know what else going on what was that how did he

get that right what was that five how many digits I don't understand that show. And I'm smiling and clattering going, fucking shut up, you lunatic. I didn't say it that loud because the guy who came up with the whole concept of the game

was right in front of us. Sitting in front of us. I didn't say that loud. Sitting in front of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, I mean, listen,

I'm in the 1%. No. You don't understand it. No, you're in the 99%. You don't understand it. No, the 1% are the best. The 99 are the rubbish. What the fuck% I don't understand it no the 1% are the best the 99% are the rubbish

what the fuck I think the whole point is that as they get harder it's like 1% of people got this right you're in the right

you're in the I haven't probably watched it to be fair you're in the other 1% of fucking people who got bored reading the question and pissed off

right that's what I mean I know the quiz shows are great I just the questions are great. I just personally. Not all great. Right. We were watching

an episode of Jeopardy and it came to light that my husband thought that bats were birds not mammals. Right. While he now admits

he is wrong he does not understand why I think it is utterly ridiculous that a 28 year old man thought that bats were birds. Is this a forgivable gap in knowledge or just completely unintelligent?

Well, you've heard this episode because my wife didn't know what an index finger was. I knew a bat wasn't a bloody bird, though. Do you know why it's not a bird? Or because it drinks milk from its mum's tit? That's what mammals do. Is that right? Am I right? That and it's

not born in an egg. Right. Yeah. It's just born. It's not hatched. Vaginally. Probably.

Yeah. They might go rogue dude out the arse. I don't know. I imagine it's vaginally. But yeah,

they're not in an egg. And yeah, they're a mammal because of the suckle. Yeah. Well done.

Thank you. That's how I know what mammals are. Okay. Breastfeed. Very well done how I know what mammals are okay breastfeed very well done I didn't even know that breastfeed one well done

I think well I mean listen I could be wrong brilliant have you ever been in a bat cave at the zoo oh I hate bats yeah but they're like

you go in you're about to go in I think there's one in London Zoo I've been in a couple of them in my life to be honest I don't want to brag

but I've been in all the bat caves apart from the real one Bruce won't let us in the bats they're literally like oh yeah they're going to fly around next to you

they'll whiz past you but they've got echolocation they won't hit you but they will whiz past you it's terrifying yeah absolutely terrifying I think bats are really scary

they're just like and you're like well that doesn't make it any better what if someone like I don't know quickly hides a bag on their shoulder and knocks one out of the sky

I'm really scared of bats and then you get to a point in your life when you get a bit older and then you see something flying in the sky and you're like what the hell was that

and someone goes it's a bat and you go they're just around me at night at night all the time I was like I thought they were

in the desert like not the desert but you know what I mean I thought they were like rainforest type creatures in the Adon's world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't think they were here in England.

No, no, yeah, yeah, yeah. When I was about 16, I was like, bats are around, guys. Yeah, yeah. They're in the countryside. First time I saw a bat, first time I saw a bat flying under a lamppost at night once when I was at school age,

shit myself. I know. First time I saw a hedgehog in my garden. Couldn't believe it. Oh, I love hedgehogs. Couldn't believe it. Yeah. hedgehogs couldn't believe it yeah what they're just about

they're just here I thought they were like wooded areas no no they're just living there love hedgehogs love a hodgehedge they're so cute

love a hodgehedge yeah I mean bats are angry they're not doing any harm but not as cuddly really are they I mean

not as cuddly as the creature that has literal spikes on it yeah fine yeah well I mean, not as cuddly as the creature that has literal spikes on it. Yeah. Fine. Yeah. We did have a hedgehog that used to always come to our garden when we were kids. Same one? It was nice.

I mean, I think so. We used to feed it and that. Same one? It was the only thing my mum didn't throw shoes at. Fuck off! Sorry! Fuck off. Sorry. She didn't mind that little head joke. Everything else got whacked, sadly. I don't understand what's up

I don't understand I don't think she didn't throw her shoes out I like the idea of her she's got the shoe, she's got it up like that it's cocked ready to go and she looks at the hedgehog and the hedgehog looks at her and there's just a moment and she goes, oh no you're alright you don't get the shoe

but them fucking seagulls yeah get the shoe cats yeah stray dogs yeah oh they all got the shoe you all got the shoe as did i sometimes i'm yours i love the idea your neighbors just haven't constantly throw shoes back over the fence so you're seagull again did you sign right i did sorry sorry can you just hide that one back? Vaman, vaman. Isn't it mad that some people just don't ever hear Seagulls? But where we live,

obviously, it's just a part of your everyday life. Oh my God. You've just unlocked a memory that happened a couple of days ago that I completely forgot. Okay. I was in a clothes shop

that was near our hotel in London while you were getting ready, right? i was in there and it's quite a nice area and i said but there was there was a policeman in right there was a policeman in the shop he was fucking massive he had all his gear on he was just standing there and i sort of walked in and i looked at him i thought he got please call part outside i thought hey god what's happened in here and then he walked from the counter and he walked up a little bit where there was some ties he was looking at the ties and then he looked at me and i went you're just shopping aren't you the policeman and he went yeah and i went oh i thought something happened he went no i'm just

picking something up i went all right okay and it was just really unsettling and he left and then i said to the guy i went oh quite a nice area around here so i was really surprised that a policeman was in and the bloke in the shop really lovely guy really helpful but such a throwaway line and i wish i'd asked more about it he went he went yeah it's nice around here on the surface mate it's nice around here on the surface he went but that tesco over there sometimes you can sit and watch that tesco it's like watching a tv program mate really i went what do you mean he Gizzo the other day got arrested for going in that Tesco carrying a seagull. I was wondering where you were going with the seagull. That's what he said.

Gizzo there got arrested for carrying a seagull. I went, all right, bye. And as I left, I went, I can't go back in now. I was so flabbergasted by the statement. Chris, we've got a podcast where we talk about random shit. You needed to know more about the scene I just remembered something else

what I just remembered something else I was supposed to tell you and I said write this down for the podcast but I didn't what the hell

I was at Jiu Jitsu the other day and we're talking we're talking Mitch who's one of the coaches there we're talking in between stuff

and out of nowhere he just said his mate is a like semi-professional or professional or amazing mountain biker. And I didn't know this was an injury that mountain bikers could have. He was going along on his mountain bike. Please email in if you've had anything similar to this.

He's going along on his mountain bike. He has over a jump or whatever. He didn't land back on his seat. He landed behind his seat. On the wheel. On the wheel. o'r cymryd neu beth bynnag, doedd e ddim yn lladd yn ôl ei seit, roedd e wedi lladd o ôl ei seit. Ar y gwrth? Ar y gwrth. A thrwy'i siortiau, cawyd y bollogwyr yn cael eu llifio o hyd i'r gwrth a'u llifio o hyd i'r seit. Cawyd y bollogwyr wedi cael eu llifio o hyd i'u siortiau a'u llifio. Felly, chi'n gwybod os ydych chi'n gallu, chi'n gwybod os ydych chi'n ifanc, gallwch chi roi can yn yno a byddai'n gwneud ychydig o... a byddai'ch byg yn swnio fel motorbic.

Dydw i ddim wedi gwneud hynny, ond... Rydych chi wedi gweld pobl ei wneud. Neu. O'r botl plastig. Neu. in there and it would make and your bike would sound like a motorbike never done it but you've seen people do it or a plastic bottle no brilliant on the spikes on the spire no so

so this this here no spokes but no you can't get the spokes this bit here this pop shield

that's the wheel that's the wheel seats here it's round right yeah seats here and he's went there

in his bollocks as the wheels were round this is a audio medium I'm just I'm trying to explain to went there, and his bollocks, as the wheels were round. This is an audio medium. I'm trying to explain it to you. All right, okay. His bollocks got stuck between the wheel and the thing. I get what you mean.

So his bollocks, that's awful. Yeah. How ridiculous. He's like, I can't, I can't, I can't,

I can't make for a while. Is this a frequent accident? I literally said, you need to get him to email the podcast. No, but does this happen a lot? Because part of me thinks he's shagging,

and he's clipped his bowels. What's he been doing? He's dirty. He's rough. He likes to dominate Rick's ex with random strangers. And he's clipped them and he's gone, how can I, what can I do to, you know, get away with this? Oh, sat back on my seat.

I don't think this is a, this is not an injury that happens all the time. Wow. Okay. I didn't see this is a... This is not an injury that happens all the time. Wow. Okay. I didn't see that going that way. All right, then. I was expecting you to be grossed out and disgusted, but then again, you don't have bollocks,

so that means nothing to you, but bloke's listening. Imagine falling off the back... Slipping off the back of your seat and your bollocks going in between the tyre and the bottom of the seat. Does it really hurt? It's never happened to, isn't it?

I pray that it never does. I imagine it's fucking excruciating. Right. Does it hurt when you're like penis and balls and stuff? Yes. Yeah. Are you serious?

No, I'm just... It hurts loads. I know. What does it feel like? The worst. What's the pain? It feels like the world's ending. Right.

Okay. Don't try it. What? You're just giving us a look like you're going to flick me bollocks or something. No, I'm not. I was going to mention

childbirth but I can't be arsed let's not start that let's not start that the age old one being it must be it must hurt more being kicked in the balls

than childbirth because a man doesn't get kicked in the balls and say let's do that again whereas you have kids again oh well done great

yeah you know I heard that one yeah I have yeah yeah it's good isn't it babadoo babadoo babadoo bah doo doo doo doo doo doo done great yeah you know i heard that one yeah have you yeah it's good thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of

shag my lord which is part of the a-cast creator network we haven't got anything to plug to you anymore oh except the tour sorry if you want to come on the tour go on

the website shag my lord shag my lord dot com other than that you don't have to vote for nothing that's all done we've done that

have a bit of time off until the comedy awards whenever that happens we've got two of them guys I hate asking you to vote for stuff I fucking hate doing it but everyone else does

and if you're listening it takes a second but thank you thank you thank you for voting and I love you and we'll be back in the years next week

and I'm starving so I'm going to go get some lunch great bye everyone enjoy your lunch or dinner or breakfast

or tea enjoy whatever food you will be consuming after this okay bye covered all the bases there bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishikesh Herway,

the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th,

when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.