Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 235. Egg, toast, wine and…

Episode Date: September 15, 2023

Prepare yourselves for a mini IQ test on this week's podcast. It gets tense! The Ramsey's talk about The Great North Run and why they will or won't do it and Chris discusses UFO's and Rosie has a rare requested shout out. There's beefs and of course QTFP's which get heavily musical in a rude way! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Marlanoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello.

Welcome to this week's episode. I freaked myself out there because I normally go three, two, one. I normally go three, two, one and press record and I went one, two, three. And then you had to do it again and then I was all put off. God, Christopher. It was awful. Isn't it weird how slight little things can really freak you out? Well, we live in a world where we still all believe in,

like, you think you don't believe superstition and stuff like that, but you do. Well, yeah, well, I don't believe in more superstitious things, but if you think I'm walking over three drains in a row, you've got nothing coming, pal. Oh, I know.

Oh, I took the bane out for a walk the other day with his pram. And you know when you go under, like, the signs? A sign, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I just have to pretend I'm scratching my head. And I'm like, if anyone,

no, you've got to put your hand on your head. your head no i thought it was spit you had to spit when you went under the sign there's a few of them you can do that all spin round but obviously you can just touch your head so every time i walk into one i'm like oh a bit squishy yeah we had superstitions i remember i was on a bike ride when i when i um when i was at school i must have been about 13 i was cycling my mate's house and i went under the side i didn't know about the spit thing i went under the sign and I just spat because I was a spitter and my mate was like

still a spitter now no I'm not if I'm not well or if I've got a fly you always spit in front of the kids it's disgusting right okay right disclaimer

in my own fucking garden because I've currently got a bit of phlegm at the back of my throat it's vile you shouldn't spit in front of the kids because then they think it's alright right

you're literally like a chav dad who just spits all the time in front of these bans and then they grow this spit and then i get on the metro and i'm like why is this spit everywhere and i'm like oh because you monkey i am not spitting on the this has escalated terribly you're the one who spits on the i am not spitting in public transport and i'm not spitting in the street i'm spitting in my own plants to water them when i've got a bit of a cold right our kids will think that's a bit huckling like that all i was going to say was right i was on a bike ride with

my friends are you eating a whole grape by the way you're gonna death wish i wanted to hole get that chopped up whole grape what do you think this is how dangerous a whole grape is so wait i'm terrified of grapes i'm terrified i can't honestly if they're in the room i won't leave the kids with them it's ridiculous it's mad isn't it anyway no one chopped my grapes up all i'm trying kids with them it's ridiculous it's stupid it's mad innit anyway look no one chopped my grapes up all I'm trying to say is it's not even that good of a story

I just need to finish it because people get annoyed shock wow a mate of mine because he thought it was bad luck to go under the

signs but he didn't want to spit because he was a good boy yeah good went into oncoming traffic to avoid going under it on his bike great

he didn't get hit but he just literally hit the car and I was like what are you doing he was like bad luck going under there on his bike. Great. He didn't get hit, but he just literally hit the car, and I was like, what are you doing? He was like, bad luck going under there. I was like, you nearly got hit by a car, you fucking idiot. Didn't though, did he? To be fair, he didn't.

Good luck, innit? I was just thinking as well, the stuff that we used to do when we were kids, like, you know, obviously slicing grapes up was never a thing. No. I mean, obviously, jokes aside, they can be dangerous. Yeah. But we had a massive

thunderstorm the other day yeah huge bless everyone who did the Great North Run by the way what a horrible ending awful

you run 30 and a half miles you get a little foil blanket and then you're stranded in South Shields Town Centre where everything shuts at 5 o'clock everyone shuts at 5 o'clock on a Sunday

they couldn't get away I know some people had to walk like 3 miles home well you know the road ran cool down innit it's a cool down mile home, you know. Well, you know, the road ran, cooled down,

didn't it? It's a cool down. Oh God, don't, I felt, do you know what's so awful? Because it's in our hometown, I feel really like

attached to it, right? Never done it, but I might next year. But no, so I was sad, wasn't I? I got a bit upset

and I was like, oh my God, I feel so terrible for like everybody who can't get home. Chris was like, why? You're so,

you're heartless, you. I'm not heartless. You actually are. You kept like, every couple minutes you're going, eee, look, eee. And I was like, why? You're heartless, you. I'm not heartless. You actually are. You kept like, every couple of minutes you were going, eee, look, eee.

And I was like, what? And I'm like sitting, I've just got fucking drenched trying to get the cushions in off the sofa because it was pissing down. And you're going, on your phone you're going,

eee, eee. And you go, look, what's wrong? And you're like, look at the queue for the ferry. I was like, right, look, if we owned a fucking bus, I would go down

and pick people up. No, you wouldn't. No, you fucking wouldn't. All right, look, if we owned a fucking bus, I would go down and pick people up. No, you wouldn't. No, you fucking wouldn't. All right, look, I wouldn't do anything, but there's nothing

we could have done anyway. I know. Here's my point. But you could have just said, isn't it horrible? You didn't even say that. I didn't find it to be horrible. I thought it was horrible.

You go to a massive, big organized event like that and shit like that goes down, you've got to expect it. That's why I don't go to big things. I never go to big things. I'm like a little hermit. I don't go to big stuff.

No, I know. I know because I hate, getting in the N nts was painful enough horrible whenever someone says to me so when when someone advertises something to me with it's a great atmosphere i go oh do you mean it's busy as fuck and i'm gonna hate it but listen if you have everyone's hate pub pub was great atmosphere on saturday do you mean the pub was fucking around and you couldn't get a seat because that sounds horrible because i like to go to empty pubs on Tuesday nights with three people and then go for a curry

and then be in bed by 10 o'clock because I am a boring bastard but if you're not like us and you like atmosphere there's still a couple of tickets for our arena tour

that's different though yeah it's different because you're on the stage well yeah yeah because I'm orchestrating the entire thing that's because I can talk and no one talks to me

it's fucking amazing listen well done to all the runners yeah and obviously I'm joking I felt terrible for everyone I mean I was good at going into my

garden to get some cushions off yeah it was a bad 10 seconds I got them cushions off it was like someone had dipped them in a fucking swimming

pool I've never seen rain like it but that's what you were saying with the bins stripped off naked because why wouldn't

you they were under they were like we've got a little, because why wouldn't you? They were under, we've got a little shelter just outside the back door, and they were under there, but they were desperate to run on the grass in the storm, and we were like, you can't, because we know too much, and horrible things happen to people in storms.

But when I was a kid, we would have ran in the storm. I did, I did. I remember running in my mum's front street, but that's the thing now, you know people have been struck by lightning it is a thing and there was lightning and there's trees around and i don't i don't know if trees being around is a good thing or a bad thing because i know it takes i've always been confused i think it's it i think

it's quite a good thing because that would conduct that would take it all in everyone listening don't don't go and don't this isn't gospel this is not how to survive a life I'm just really careful of what we're saying here but I know it'll take the shortest route to the ground

so if you're in a big flat field and you're six foot I mean president of the company accepted you won't have to worry about this Rosie you'll be the shortest

route to the ground but if there's trees all around you and you're in the middle I don't know I mean fucking stay in the house is probably the most you know what I mean

well the dance underneath the thing we'll let them go in the puddles there loved it man why did it always strip off just just fucking let's just get i mean it was really warm cocks out yeah no that's exactly what it was oh there's a puddle cocks out man what day is it wednesday cocks out got a statement though i'm gonna do the great north run next year great you said this last year, I think. No, did I? Yeah. No, I'm actually going to do it

because I have been running quite a lot. I've told you about the time I was on Chris Evans' Virgin Radio show. Yeah, and they were badgering you to do it. They basically badgered to do it. And I said, yeah, absolutely. And I got the number of the guy, Chris Evans' assistant.

I got his number. I think I blocked him because he was asking us so much about the Great North Run. I was like, fuck this. They muscled us into it on air. I was like, no, no chance. I didn't have this podcast at the time.

I didn't have the clout I've got now. I was just, I was flogging my DVD, one of my standard DVDs. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I'm going to do it. I want to do it. But like, I don't want anyone to talk to us, though. Wow, you're worse than me.

What? What do you mean you don't want anyone to talk to you? Because, right, in our life, it's so lovely. We do this podcast. People listen, people chat to us. Absolutely fantastic. If I'm at nine mile and someone's trying

to have a conversation with me, you're not making a nine mile. Can you imagine? I'm going to be more tired than everyone else because I'm going to go, hiya, hello. That's taking my breath, Chris.

At nine mile, the only people talking to you are going to be the people carrying the stretcher that you're on. Why did you do it love why why

I don't know I'm going to do it dressed up oh fucking hell it gets worse what are you going dressed up as you

me you goes me I'll go as you we'll do it together that'll be good nah I'm busy that week anyway

well listen mister you literally said you were like could have probably done it could have probably done it yeah but I'm that arrogant do you know we've talked about this before you know when Well listen mister You literally said You were like Could have probably done it Could have probably done it Could have probably

Yeah but I'm that arrogant Do you know We've talked about this before You know when Wimbledon's on And they always survey Random blokes And go

Could you get a point Against Serena or Venus Williams And they go Oh definitely Because they're dickhead Arrogant blokes Well I've only got A little bit of arrogance in me

Where I go Oh I could turn up And do the Green North Tomorrow I think you should I might go do it after this I think you should Yeah I'll drop you off Yeah drop us off do it after this. I think you should.

Yeah. I'll drop you off. Yeah, drop us off where it starts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 30 mile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just going to go down with Uber. Completely unrelated. Completely unrelated.

I'm just going to down with Uber. Nothing to do with what we were just talking about. It was just something I remembered. It's a Greg's photo. It's just something I remembered. Yeah, where's my Greg's card? Just something I remembered. This is the thing about long distance running.

Like, great, but that's a lot of time out your life to just be on your feet, isn't it? Yeah, I mean, it's... Three hours for normal, average runners, it's about three hours. If you're really good, it's like two. Oh, like a sub two. Under two hours is like...

I mean, I'm not a fucking runner, but I think that's brilliant. I think Mo did it in like one hour ten or something, didn't he? Yeah, I mean... Oh, it was his hour ten or something didn't he yeah I mean that was his last one he won't oh I might not do it he'll not be doing it next year

oh no competition no point in it no one to spur you on well if I'm not racing against Mo if I'm not racing against Mo Farah what's the point

what is the point running with all the bloody I want to give him a little McDonald's say Mo hey Mo look at me hello

I know I'm going to do it well my friend Ashley she's like she's done it before she's super fit I've all the actually what am I doing what am I

what do I want to do with it I would pay I think everyone listening to this podcast I think would all pay to get Mo Farah to come up and run

the Great North Run and just see how long you could keep up with him oh I reckon like 0.2 mile

I think you should not even that I think they should put normal people at the front with them runners just go look he has all the amazing ones

and by the way he has four people in chicken costumes and two people dressed as a cow comedy part yeah and watch how

much they blitz them in the first 600 yards I've watched that yeah do you know what it is though I think what spurred us on is because I have been running quite a lot right

and I've seen loads of people do it and I was like sorry you're talking as if you know what it is though I think what spurred us on is because I have been running quite a lot right and I've seen loads of people do it and I was like sorry you're talking as if you've done it what spurred me on no what's spurring me on to do it next year

I've seen loads of people do it this year and I'm like I'm fitter than ye we've still got in the cupboard somewhere we've still got the t-shirts

I have signed up before yeah we've still got the t-shirts off where we signed up and sent them I still have the emails really I'd wear my own t-shirt though

well you can wear mine you're going with me what charity can I do it for oh look you're not you want I am I'm doing it

I'm going to do it next year there's no chance that you're going to do it I'm sick I'm going to do it I've lived here my entire life hold on a second what

you've got to do a lot of training how much training are you going to do well I mean most people who I've spoke to as long as you training. How much training are you going to do? Well, I mean, most people who I've spoke to, as long as you can get to eight miles, you're married. That makes no sense whatsoever. No, honestly.

Most people I've spoke to are like... What do you do? I think that atmosphere spurs you on, and I think you're just kind of like floating for the rest of it. I don't think so. It's true. I could not go and win. I've got time to run 30, man.

I've just worked this out. You want more time away from the kids. Oh, never. Yeah, you're going to do that. And I'm going to be doing bath times and bed times every night. And you're going to be like, I've got to go out and do my training. Well, actually. Is this why people do it?

I'm going to do it as well. No, you're not. You can't. I'm going to do the London Marathon as well. When's the New York one? I'll do them all. Let me just... Don't become Marathon Guy.

That's your crack. Oh! Marathon Guy. Let's... I'll do it next year. You's your crack. Marathon Guy. Let's, I'll do it next year. You do it the year after. No. Babysitting.

No. Fair play to everyone who does it, but I'm alright. I'm alright. I get bored. I can't run 30 and a half mile. I'm an interval sprinter. Yeah.

I can't do it. I'm going to do it. Right. Watch this space. Absolute bullshit. Guys, this is possibly the longest intro we've done, but do you know what? When a chat's organic... Do your sponsors, I'm having a grape.

You're having a grape. When a chat's organic, though a chat's organic, isn't it? It's nice. It's all good. Have your grape, me shush. Organic. It's awful.

It is episode 235. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sitting through Rosie's Great North Run ambition bullshit chat. And without further ado, it is time for this week's Hashtag Sponsoring.

Yes, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is waiters who carry a glass with the fingers inside it. Oh, leave him alone. No, I will not explain where it was,

but it happened on Sunday and I was absolutely fit. Two cups you brought over. Just two. Big handful of them. No, I'm not. We'll not explain where it was, but it happened on Sunday and I was absolutely fit. Two cups you brought over. Just two. Big handful of them. No, no, I'm not having it. I understand. Look, waiters, waitresses, staff,

it's a hard job. I understand you might not be able to get a tray and you have to carry a few glasses, but you might as well just come over and put your fucking fingers directly into me mouth. You might as well finger blast me under me tongue.

Get your whole fucking hand in there. Go on. What have you done? Have you just mopped your brow? You just scratched your nose? You just wiped your chin? yn fy môth. Efallai y byddech chi'n gallu gwneud ymgyrch i mi o dan fy ngwt. Gwthiwch eich ddyn yn yno. Beth wnaethoch chi ei wneud? Wnaethoch chi ddynnu eich bro? Wnaethoch chi ddynnu eich nos? Wnaethoch chi ddynnu eich chyn? Efallai y byddech chi'n gallu mynd ymlaen a chadw eich holl dyn yn fy môth. Ond dyna'r stwff nad ydych chi'n dysgu amdano'ch hwyne. A dwi ddim yn dweud unrhyw beth. Dwi ddim yn dweud unrhyw beth. Mae'n swydd anodd ac rwyf wedi bod yn dyn yn y gorffennol.

Ond pan ddyn nhw'n dod â'r glasau gwmpas ac mae'r holl dynion yn y glas gwmpas, say anything because you know it's a difficult job and I've been a waiter in the past but when they come with the empty glasses and all of their fingers are in the empty glass I'm like I very rarely use the glasses that they give you if you get a can of pop

I was making a shandy wasn't I so I had to use the glass devastated absolutely devastated in other news when I but you know what's ridiculous

about that sorry I don't mean to beat your dick but if you look at the bigger picture you know who's made that you don't know who's made your food

but you just it's out of sight out of't know who's made your food. Right. But you just, it's out of sight, out of mind. Yeah, I mean, if they're putting their knob in me pasta in the kitchen. You don't know, though, do you? I don't know. But if they're going to put their knob in me pasta on the table when they put it down,

I'm probably going to have something to say. You wouldn't enjoy that as much. I mean, I'd still eat it. What kind of pasta is it? What time is it? How hungry am I? Is it a carbonara? I'll have it.

It all depends how hungry you are, because when I worked in a certain place and the chef there, every day I seen his arse crack. But when he came round with that chicken and mushroom pie, I had a bit.

Arse, hairs and all. On the flip side though, when I went to the bar on holiday, when we went on holiday with all our friends, I went to the all-inclusive bar and I got four pints for the lads. Hilarious joke by me. I carried all four pints full with me hands in the cup like that

all the way across the bar. Just good, clean family fun by me. And did they drink them? They were devastated. They watched us walk all the way over and I just walked holding them and they were just like, why have you done that? Why would you do that then? It's funny, isn't it?

Me hand was clean, but it was just a funny thing well maybe she was thinking being funny doesn't know us doesn't know us it's not part of the joke so so there you go

should we play the jingle what there's a jingle oh god welcome to the show go on then hi everyone we had a fight about the jingle

jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle jingle so this about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married and Annoyed. Hello! Back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married and Annoyed. Hello.

We don't normally do this, but my dad has been badgering us. So you might not know this, but my dad constantly, you know this obviously, constantly asks us to give his mates and people that he meets shout outs on the podcast. Sorry. The TV show. Sorry. The live tour.

Do you not remember he asked us to do the live tour? Someone he'd met in Portugal was coming to Manchester Arena. Give them a shout out. And he was like, give them a shout out. I was like, dad, it's not the way it works. I'm going was like give them a shout out. I was like dad it's not the way it works. I'm going to have to veto this shout out. No well so well my dad's been in hospital because

selfishly he has got skin cancer That's nice I don't want to laugh because it's horrendous but this is how we cope with horrendous things in our life and laugh. But anyway, so I said, right, well, I will. He wanted us to give a shout out to the nurses

who were looking after him the other night when he was in. Okay, I reject my opposition to this. I'm fully on board with this. So Janice and Laura. Janice and Laura. Thank you so much for looking after my dad at the RVI and thank you for letting him leave

his top off on the ward because they don't normally. But my dad, obviously, my dad hates wearing a top and like he just constantly has a top off. It's awful, right?

He comes around your house for tea and he takes his top off. It's horrendous. That's probably how he's got skin cancer. God. My dad hates wearing a top.

So yeah, thanks for looking after him and thank you for listening to the podcast and yeah big love dad it's horrendous

it's an awful thing and you know there's always stuff going on in people's lives but yeah oh god anyway

big love Derek big love dad wishing you all the best through it and yeah thanks for looking after him ladies and sorry

sorry that he's got his top off on the wall the stories do you know what's funny I always think like where do I get like

because your dad loves to talk and my dad loves to talk and I always think where do we get this thing of just chatting it's from my dad oh god aye

and he's literally by name everybody on the ward he knew everything about them really everything about them like aye it was just

and he was like and Tommy and I was like you were there for one date you were there for a day and night what a nosy cunt

I know so yeah but thanks for looking after him Jonathan much appreciated and all and like he couldn't praise him

enough and you know well I'm always on board for a shout out like that I thought it was just something you know well usually it is shout out me taxi driver

on the way here I'm like who I got tagged in a picture I forgot to tell him this actually of a bar in Portugal right of these two lads who were like

Rosie Ramsey's dad on the karaoke I was like who is he telling like yeah I don't know how I like, what is he telling my dad? I don't know how he, I don't know how him and my dad managed to drop it into conversation so quickly.

Oh, they just love it, man. They're literally, my dad are like, oh, someone wants some tickets. I was at the zebra crossing at the same time as them.

Right, how did you get onto that? I'm your son. Oh, it just came up. Oh, they love it, man. They love it.

Has your dad never asked to do shout-outs? No, he doesn't ask for shout-outs. I'm very surprised. Bit annoyed that you may have opened the floodgates here. Well, your dad did once have a tumour. Yeah, he had bowel. Right, well, he's got one. He's got a pass.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but only for the staff. I bought all them staff a big hamper, a suite, I remember. Yeah, they've had their shout-out. All right, okay. They've had their shout-out. They've probably all got big hamburger suite, I remember. Yeah, they've had their shout out. They've had their shout out. They've probably all got fillings now, cavities. They've had loads of dental work because I sent them so much sugar. I do remember that, too.

Well, there we go. Hey, hey, life, eh? Isn't life just the older you get, isn't it? So just stuff happens and it's just depressing. Oh, I'm in a right clip at the minute, mentally. Because I was talking to someone I know about this recently and i was just again i don't want to bring doom and gloom but i we all know i catastrophize well what's no what's that saying that i thought was your saying but it's not it's a really famous saying the tragedy plus

tragedy plus time equals color yeah yeah not really relevant here but thanks i think you've got it you've got to be able to laugh at things and you've got it we're laughing at it immediately this isn't tragedy this is tragedy arrow to comedy that's how we call that's exactly how we cope with things that's why we do the job that we do yeah that's absolutely fine um but the yeah so i've just it's weird because because i'm just looking in the minute right i don't know if anyone else out there thinks this but kids are lush at the minute lovely age oh jesus what know if anyone else out there thinks this, but kids are lush at the minute. Lovely age. Oh, Jesus. What?

What are you catastrophizing? Getting older? Kids are going to get older and all the parents are going to die. We're at this point now. I love how my dad having skin cancer has made you... I thought about it before this. I thought about it much before this.

I thought about it ages ago. My mum and dad are 70 now. I mean, fit as fiddles. Young at heart, you know what I mean? But yeah, like we're at a stage now where kids are lush lush where parents are able and capable to look after them and everything's good but parents gonna get older we're gonna get older and we might die before that well you bring us to my next point i feel like i'm gonna die every five minutes do you got any have you got any idea what like i was listening to a thing i was listening

to a podcast yesterday man about the ufos and stuff right right and it was like oh they're showing all these things about ufos and you know since the since i reckon they've seen one haven't they've seen loads of them so since 1947 they've been spotting them and now they're releasing all these stuff about things and i heard this for a moment i was i've got two little people living in my head right one goes oh fuck shit. And the other one goes, calm down. And it takes ages for one to calm

the other one down, right? One of them has to put all the fires out like the other one is setting in my head. That's basically what's going on. Is that me? Honestly, yeah.

They're not in your head. It's actually, that's me. They're in my head as well. Oh, great. And you're another one and you and the one in my head gang up on the dickhead in my head. It's quite a good system

I've got going on. Yeah, yeah, good, good. It's taken years off my life. But it's okay. So, I heard a thing yesterday that said because they spotted UFOs and stuff years and years

and years ago and they've been seeing them for years so because you know the powers that be control popular culture and control everything they've been putting out

all these alien films and X-Files and all of this stuff for years and years and years to condition for the fact that at some point they'll come down

and take over that's what I've been saying about when we watch bloody with the zombies. I know it's not zombies, but... So you've completely gone off the point onto something else. No, I'm not. I'm saying we've watched films and everything

where they've all got panic rooms and all that shit. So we're like prepared. Yeah, yeah. You know? But that's the thing. Because when Europeans went... The exact quote was like, when Europeans went to North America,

you saw what happened to the indigenous people there. They got overtaken. When people went to Africa, they quote was like when Europeans went to North America you saw what happened the indigenous people there they got overtaken when people went to Africa they overtook the indigenous people so when aliens come here they'll just we're done so but they've been conditioned with for it for years through popular culture because like it'll happen because they're out there that's all it said I'm not saying I believe it okay I'm saying that's what it said you know 10 minutes on the treadmill I was inconsolable and then I got over it not crying close so the difference is

you worry about do you know what my brain does when do you think this might happen don't know like how many years any time could be tomorrow

could be in 50 years could be in 500 years well I just go listen it might be 500 years yeah so live your life yeah

but you've got to understand it takes me 10 minutes to get to that point that's the difference aww I have 10 minutes of and then I go actually you're being a fucking idiot but it took you've got to understand it takes me 10 minutes to get to that point that's the difference aww I have 10 minutes of and then I go actually you're being

a fucking idiot but it's the it's the initial freaking the fuck out I know well I don't know because I don't do it it's exhausting

oh I know I can imagine it's exhausting I'm just very I'll cross that bridge when I come to it yeah I wish I could be the same

I'm a bit like that when people kind of like you know are poorly and stuff like that I'm kind of I'm very good at putting when people kind of like, you know, are poorly and stuff like that. I'm kind of, I'm very good at putting stuff at the back of my mind. On a shelf.

Until I need to open it. Yeah. It's weird, isn't it? I just have different people. I don't. No, I know you don't. So mine's not a shelf. You get bad news,

you take it, it goes into a little box and it goes on a shelf. I get bad news and it comes into my brain in the form of a hornet's nest and then it gets smashed open with a hammer

and then it flies around my head for 25, 35 minutes. Sometimes days, sometimes weeks. I dread any, weirdly, I don't dread tragedy happening to me,

I dread tragedy happening to you. Because I'm a nightmare. Because I know that you'll just not be able to cope. Yeah, it's weird, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. No one helps.

What? Jiu-Jitsu. Oh, good, I'm glad. It's just them extra cuddles you're getting. Yeah, it's just all the cuddles and all the attention. Physical contact. Listen, life is just what it is

and you've got to... You've just got to live each day as it comes and that's it. Yeah. But that's the thing. I also want to be like... Yeah, but... Yeah, but I want to be...

And that's another thing. People say you've got to be thankful and you've got to be buzzing all the time and you've got to be like really grateful for everything. And I am really grateful for everything. But then there's a voice in my head as well that goes, oh, don't be too grateful because it looks cocky and then they'll get you. Well, who will get you?

Them. Who's them? The universe. Oh, look, he's too happy. Take him down a peg. Oh, well, that's ridiculous. Yeah, well, I'm just telling you inside my head. Oh. I was driving along yesterday and I was like, I'm dead happy. Oh, watch out. Oh, no. Yeah, so it's like if I'm really really chuffed it's like i've just built a big house of cards and i'm standing guarding my house of cards waiting for someone to come and

oh i say no i read something which is stuck with me actually it was on instagram it's one of them videos but it was actually a really good sentiment it said you know in life we're very good at kind of um focusing on the bad stuff like if the day will go oh that happened and that was bollocks instead of actually what you should do is look at the lovely moments yeah like especially with the kids oh yeah instead of remembering when they had a tantrum or when someone's milk wasn't warm enough or bloody blah think of the time when like like i'm trying to think so yesterday morning rave like oh no sorry yesterday when robin came home from school rave like ran towards him and give him a lush cuddle

yeah i'm telling you they were fighting but i was like remember that moment yeah because that's a nicer moment to remember absolutely but also let's not forget um that milk wasn't warm enough and i'm still fucking curious about it don't laugh oh sometimes you are quite funny like in a probably like in a clever way yeah i guess the comedian in you really are you still a comedian i don't know oh he's gonna worry about that oh god i'll have another dream about not being able to do comedy oh jesus i had a dream I was dying and saying bye to the kids last night

let's have a Babadoo bar did you yeah it was horrible what was it what was it that got you I don't know I was just saying bye

where was that telling Robert he's the man of the house where was that I don't know I think I took you with us I think I got you first I don't know

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Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. So, yesterday, you're always eating a grape. Yesterday, you had a little go at me and said I don't do enough work for the podcast. Right, you're always eating a grape. Yesterday, you had a little go at me and said I don't do enough work for the podcast. Right, you don't.

I've got some brilliant... You don't do anything. You just rock up here every week. I rock up here with witty comments, like that warm milk thing I just did, right? My name is Dan. With harrowing tales about the inside of my head. And just with my warm general demeanour.

And let's not forget the decade plus graft that i put in before this happened so shush right now listen yeah um this happened i was uh when we're on holiday i was sitting i used to take ray free's little naps so i'll put him in the room you want aircon that's awful no the bear in a sleep don't you do it you and all of the lads used to go to the toilet every day in the room I've clocked it

all the lads would go and they'd be like half an hour 45 minutes yous all went for a wank who's taking 45 minutes to have a wank because yous had to make it

look like yous were doing other stuff none of the women went to the room in the middle of the day to go to the toilet all of the men so you were all

shitting we have our shits in the morning like normal people yous were all shitting in the morning like normal people is what all went for a wank and the sooner you admit it the look at the slightest file and you all went for wanks listen they might have all went for wanks but like i told you since i met you i have never masturbated no need to um why would i i it took all of my all like i'm surprised i've held it in this long it took everything in us to not be on the sunbeds

going enjoy your wank literally I had to hold it in so much is that because we're at the kids pool well done you well done holding that in I think I think

some people get embarrassed by stuff like that so I kept it in I so I would take Ray for his nap I don't know where he was I was busy wanking I left him in the corridor I left him around the pool sometimes I would just leave for his nap. I don't know where he was. I was busy working. I left him in the corridor.

I left him around the pool sometimes. I would just leave him with the hotel staff. Just going, double hander, double hander, sun lotion, the lot. It was great.

Oh, there's sun lotion. Now, while I was there. By the way, I'm not slagging. Oh, I'm sorry.

Come on. I just think it's good for you to wank. Okay. I can tell when you haven't. Yeah, you sometimes tell me to go for a wank. It's horrible. Just tell. If we haven't managed to have, you know,

what's it called? Sex. I'm like, just have a wank because you just... We don't have that often. She forgets what it's called. What is that again? No, because I can just tell you wound up. I think men need to.

More than women. Yeah. I do it all the time over you when you're asleep anyway. Now, listen. I think that's it. I wax. Listen. While I was on my nap duty,

I was on my phone a couple of times and the world's shortest IQ test was developed in the summer. This isn't a wind-up. This isn't a joke. Because I think you just forget things. You forget the words for stuff. IQ test was developed in the summer this isn't a wind up this isn't a joke because I don't you're not I think you just forget things

like you forget the words for stuff and like the index finger thing you're not stupid I've had messages of people saying exactly the same thing yeah you're not

we're not doing that thing of like oh look let you get the lass on the daft northern lass we're not doing that I'm not stupid at all I'm actually no no no you're not

I'm quite clever again well again I've talked about before the fact that you forget things out of the next finger and I think, oh yeah, she's an idiot

and then we have a real argument and your tie's in fucking knots with logic. Yeah, because can I tell you, I think I'm this kind of person where do you know stuff that I've not needed, I've just forgot about?

Yeah. I think that's quite clever. I'm like an animal, you know, and an animal's like, I don't need to know that. I don't need that information anymore. Like a machine.

Like I can, I have a race shit. No, I have a race stuff because my brain, my brain's like, you know what, you need to know that. I don't need that information anymore. Like a machine. Like I can, I have a race shit. No, I have a race stuff because my brain, my brain's like, you know what? You need to keep your children alive. You need to be good at your job right now.

You need to live your life right now. Not worry about old shit. So my brain's gone, fucking index. You don't need to know that shit day to day. Just, just to rewind on that.

You started by saying you were like an animal. I feel like animals. Do you not think an animal does that? But then you immediately then said you were like a machine. So is it an animal or a machine? Because you picked two completely opposite things there. Because I can't think of an animal that does it,

but I'm sure... Because animals don't... What animal do you know that's forgot something? You ever seen a dog walk in a room and go, what did I come in here for? Elephants have good memories. But fish forget things after 10 seconds. Don't they?

Yeah. Because they're like, I don't to know that information we'll be lush but imagine being a fish you should be a fish i don't believe i don't believe the fish thing why who's worked that out what are you going i know oh yeah oh yeah goldfish right what do you want for your lunch there's the menu right have a look at that right five minutes what do you want I forgot have a look at the menu again when when has that happened I know I don't know have they tested them little 80s

little like little helmet on them I'm just not having it yeah right that green green square right

right what was on the card I fucking forgot honey I don't have a five minute memory but pig's up ever who knows they do tests in that with pigs though crows

crows can remember people crows can recognise faces and they can hold a grudge as well anyway the world's shortest iCube test was developed by someone at MIT what I'm really excited about yesterday I said I've got a thing and you went what's MIT

and you thought it was the what did you think MIT stood for you didn't tell us mission impossible to rain What did you think MIT stood for? Come on. You didn't tell us. Mission Impossible. To rain. It's Mission Impossible. Tom. Mind.

Hang on. Mind. Yeah. Is it mind? No. It's the first word. No. Give us the first word.

Massachusetts. What? Massachusetts. Massachusetts? Yeah. Intellectual technology. Massachusetts Institute of Technology. It's a famous sort of college.

Yeah, well, now you've said it, I do know it. Buzz Aldrin went there. NASA, people go there. It's NASA. If you're going to be a fucking scientist at NASA, you go to MIT. Right. So, it's three questions.

It's the world's shortest IQ test. Okay. We will edit some time out, but you're not getting fucking ages, because I did them all in about a minute each. Right. Okay? So, we'll let some time out.

Are you ready for your first question? So there's only three questions? It's the world's shortest. It's the world's shortest IQ test. Is it going to be ridiculous? Like, where's the steam going? I hate them kind of questions. Do you know what I mean?

Fuck you, Tom. Oh, Travis is driving the train 33 degrees north a bloody block what direction's the steam going and then it's like an electric train or some shit like that i hate i hate stuff they're not no they're not no they're deliberately like the classic bullshit one of them is um a man goes into a field and dies. How? It's a parachute, didn't know. Right, yeah, stupid stuff like that.

No, no, no. These are logical thinking. There is an answer. There's only one answer, and there's only one way to work the answer. Okay, right, come on then. Okay. Let's do it.

Play along at home. Yeah, do it at home. Play along at home. Or on your own. I was two bottles of Moretti in, and I got all of these in about a minute. They're not easy, but I did get them all, and I got them all right.

And yesterday I redid them on a website and the first answers I gave you were the common wrong answers and I nearly flipped the fucking table

when I thought I'd got them wrong and I hadn't. I think you think I'm going to get this. I've got a funny feeling you're going to get these. Come on then.

Question one. A bat and a ball. See? What? It's an electric bat! It's not a ball, it's a snitch. It flies on its own.

No, it's a bird. It's a mammal. No. A bat and a ball cost £1.10 in total. Can I make notes? Yes. Right.

So, together, £1.10. A bat and a ball cost £1.10 in total. Yeah. Don't answer until you've thought about it. Yeah. The bat costs £1.10. A bat and a ball cost £1.10 in total. Yeah. Don't answer until you've thought about it. Yeah. The bat costs £1 more than the ball.

How much does the ball cost? £10. Don't. Don't. Together, right, a bat and a ball together cost £1.10. The bat costs £1 more than the ball. How much does the ball. How much does the ball cost?

£0.10. No. Why? It is. Because then you add £1 more. £0.11. £0.10. Because it's £1 more, so the bat's pound. The bat's... It's a pound more than the ball.

Oh, well, then you don't know how much the ball is. You do. You do. One pound what? No. A bat and a ball. Fucking hell. A bat and a ball cost £1.10 in total.

This is a disaster, by the way. I don't know. A bat and a ball cost £1.10 in total. This is a disaster by the way. A bat and a ball cost £1.10 in total. The bat costs £1 more than the ball. How much does the ball cost? The ball cannot be 10 pence because if the ball's 10 pence, then

the bat is only 90 pence more expensive than the ball if it's £1.10. Wyt ti? Ie. Wyt ti? Ie. Dwi ddim yn gwybod.

Mae'n 5 pence. E? Mae'r bwrdd yn 5 pence. Mae'r bwrdd yn 5 pence oherwydd mae'r bat yn £1.05, sy'n gwneud £1.10. Ond sut yw hynny? Oherwydd mae'n £1 mwy. Ie. Ydych chi'n siwr? Felly, gallai fod yn £1.05, which makes £1.10. But how do you know that? Because it's £1 more. Yeah. Are you joking?

So it might just be a pound? No, because I know... Why can't it just be a pound? Because I know they both come to £1.10. That's not, that's 90 pence more. If the ball's 10 pence... This is horrible, this will be horrible. Listen, if the ball's 10 pence and the bat's a pound,

that still makes £1.10, but that only makes the bat 90 pence more expensive than the ball because the ball's 10 pence and the bat's a pound. Yeah. That still makes 110, but that only makes the bat 90 pence more expensive than the ball because the ball's 10 pence. Oh, right. Thank you. So the ball's five pence and the bat is one pound five. Okay. Okay.

That was genuinely embarrassing for everyone in your family. Everyone in your family should be embarrassed. The kids at school, Robin's at school now and he's getting a little twitch. His nose might start bleeding. He doesn't know why. It's because shame has been brought on his family

by your actions on Ancestor Day. The fact that you just shouted, shouted one pound at us. This is bringing back trauma for me and my GCSE. Yusuf has got

three brown balls and he's got another ball that he adds to fucking... All right, Yusuf, and all your balls are making me upset, yeah? I hate shit like that. Yusuf has four balls by the end.

Oh, gross. Come on. Next one. You're going to hate this. If it takes five machines... Oh, fuck's sake. I don't... I'm not going to do the third one.

This is horrendous. If it takes five... Right, five machines. Five machines, five minutes to make five widgets, how long would it take a hundred machines to make a hundred widgets? What? Five machines?

Think. Five machines, five minutes to make five widgets. So how long would it take? Honestly, I'm not even joking. You've lost it. I don't want, I'm actually upset. I hate stuff like this. You've got five machines I don't want... I'm actually upset. I hate stuff like this. You've got five machines running for five minutes. Five machines running for five minutes. She's having a grape.

Oh, she's using her grapes. She's got... How many grapes you got left? Five, six. I'm bumping that. So I've got five grapes. They're my machines. And it takes five minutes for each machine to make five widgets, right?

Okay, so what was the question? Five machines. It takes five machines five minutes to make five widgets. Don't worry about a widget is it can be anything it's just a word five machines five minutes to make five widgets how long would it take a hundred machines to make a hundred widgets don't say the first word that comes in your head what a hundred because it's not that well no why would it well hang on five am i meant to do me 100. Oherwydd nid yw hynny. Wel, na, pam ydw i'n... Wel, hangon. 5... Ydw i'n ei roi 5, 10, 15... Na, 5 maskin, 5 munud i wneud 5 fwidgeds. Felly sut amser byddai'n mynd i'w wneud 100 maskin i wneud 100 fwidgeds? Gwnaeth. Gwnaeth.

Chris, nid wyf yn gallu. Nid wyf yn gwneud hyn i'r sbort. Nid yw hyn yn ymwneud â... Nid wyf yn gallu. Nid yw fy mhroed yn gweithio fel hynny. comment i can't my brain doesn't work like that okay you've absolutely i don't i don't even i wouldn't even know how to begin answering because i'm going 5 10 15 20 25 30 35 right and i don't know how to get to that point i've only just learned fractions is this some sort of joke five machine five minutes it takes five machines five machines to make five widgets. Five minutes to make five widgets. So that's a minute a widget. Yeah. Yeah?

Per machine. Per machine is a minute a widget. Yeah. So a hundred. A hundred minutes? To make a hundred widgets? Five minutes. Fuck, I don't care.

Because a hundred machines make a hundred widgets. I don't care. In the middle. Last one? No. Come on. One last one for the kids. For everyone listening. I don't care. Last one? No. Come on. One last one for the kids.

For everyone listening. I don't care. In a lake, there is a patch of lily pads. I quite like lily pads. Every day, this is... Think. Every day... You can say think.

My brain doesn't work in this way. Every day, the patch doubles in size. How many was there? Or just a patch? it's just a patch right fuck me in a lake there is a patch of lily pads every day the patch doubles in size right if it takes 48 days for the patch to cover the entire lake how long would it take for the patch to cover half of the lake 14 days half of the days half of the days

yeah but it doubles every day oh fuck I don't what I don't know I don't know doubles every day

so two so take two away in 48 days it's completely full. It doubles every day. So how long does it take to fill half of the lake?

Come on. I don't know. 47 days. What? Because on the 47th day, it's done half. And if it doubles every day, it doubles to 48, which does the full lake. So it's actually 47 days, because it doubles every day. That's the nature of. So it's actually 47 days because it doubles every day. That's the nature of Dublin.

Did you get them right? All three of them with two Morettis in. That's why sometimes my brain is hell to be in because I can work out stuff like that,

but then my brain goes into overdrive with other stupid shit. I'd rather be stupid. I would rather be. I am. I'm rather be. I am. I'm so happy. I believe the phrase is.

I'm so blissfully awake. Ignorance is bliss. Yes. Yes. Now, so what is my, so my zero IQ? I mean, yeah, I do believe, I think, I'm not 100% sure here. I will have to check. But I think someone at MIT just jumped off the roof.

Yeah. Well, do you know what I say to them? I'm a bloody good mom. That's, do you know what I say to them? I'm a bloody good mom. Do you know what? That's a bloody good answer. I am, aren't I? That's the best answer. Look after you.

Look after everyone. Just don't help them with their fucking homework. No. God, no. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It's time for What's Your Bee? What's My Bee? With an IQ test.

To be fair, I can go on thinking I'm clever but we both just had to google what IQ stood for yeah and hang on I've just got rid of it I just had it it was intelligence quotient

measure a person's reasoning that's what it is it's not what it do without going no that's not and do you know what there's probably

a thousand reasons out there why them three questions are bollocks and it means nothing but it was just a bit well I mean it was supposed to be a bit of fun but you did get genuinely quite upset at one point

and just off mic there I said do you want us to quickly explain the widget one to you and you said no and you picked up a pencil and said I'd rather stab myself in the eye with this so we quickly moved on. Well that's the thing you've got to understand when you can't like I hated maths at school I absolutely detested it and when you don't get

something I just switch it you don't want to be explaining it I just switch off I completely switch school. I absolutely detested it. Yeah. And when you don't get something, I just switch it. You don't want to be explained it. I just switch off. I completely switch off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I totally understand. I've never been good in, you know, like meetings and stuff.

You know, when people are talking and they're like coming up with stuff and reasoning and I'm like, I don't care. I don't care. But if it's something I'm interested in. I must have told you when early in my stand-up career,

me and two other comedians got a commission from a channel to write a pilot for a sitcom, to write a script. And we had to go into a meeting and be explained how the percentages, if it makes money, and if it goes to series, and if it makes money and stuff. We sat at a table, the three of us, and someone from the finance department of this channel sat there and said, look, was it from a management

it might be from a management and they did this explanation and I'm no word of a lie I went I don't want to do it anymore it's fucking horrible we're like that in our meetings

with our management and honestly do you know you know we go back to the hotel after we've had meetings right and we've had to be

what people do every day right normal normal jobs normal thing yeah like steve's made them spreadsheets yeah yeah god love them right um he sat and made them he's wrote them all and i swear to god me and chris will sit in their meetings and we do actually we do pay

attention we're like right we switch on get back the hotel we're fucking that good yeah we'll get back and i'm like i'm so tired what have we done today we've done nothing we've sat in meetings and i'm like no it's because we've had to use a part of our brain. That you don't normally use. Me, definitely. I don't normally use. Sometimes, we've had a big meeting.

If I see enough spreadsheets, I won't go to the gym on the night because I think, oh no, I've done my work. Yeah. I'm knackered.

Listen, back to reality. What's your beef? Oh, so my beef with you is... We've got some fresh ones this week, haven't we? I think, well, I might have that.

I'm not going to do this one because I think I've had that before a while ago. You, all of a sudden, just out of nowhere. We've been together for 10 years, haven't we? I've always had a bedside table. Yeah. In them 10 years that we've been together and we've shared a bed,

I've always put my phone on my table, on the bedside table. And you've seen this for years and years and years. All of a sudden, quite late last night, the other night, I was half was half asleep you just went rosie you need to put your phone on the floor yeah and i was like eh what like why and you were like that's killing what did you say killing your brain or something you're just like the real some bullshit of the radio and i was like why have you waited seen something i must have waited 10 years to tell us i must have seen something at that moment and i'm catastrophizing about it

and I'm like put your phone on the floor in case the radio waves get into your head while you're sleeping 10 years I don't even know if that's a thing

well okay you're not meant to sleep I've seen people sleep with them under the pillow which I find mad Abel came out Abel came out and said don't do that

it can cause a fire and don't do it without our specific charges I've known loads of people have it under the pillow yes mad how much do you need to be in contact with people I can't be having that I can't be having that Don't do it without our specific charges. I've known loads of people have it under the pillar. Yes, mad. How much do you need to be in contact with people?

Oh, I can't be having that, like, can't be having that. The only time I think I ever have had my phone next to us is like, you know, do you remember back in the day when you had a crush and you were dead excited to speak with them and you were texting and that? Do you remember them days? Uh, barely. Are you in a relationship quite a long time? I had quite a lot of like, just slaggy relationships where it was nice and fun texting. I'd keep my phone next to me. So do you say, relationship quite a long time I had quite a lot of like just slaggy relationships where it was nice

and fun texting I'd keep my phone there so it was like sit down sit down but I haven't done that for a long time you don't sleep

with your phone under your pillow I think I've said it before but I can never get away with people who you ring them at whatever time you ring them later

I ring them early on their mobile and they're like I was asleep what it's fucking got a switch on the side to put it on silent this isn't my fault

this is your fucking fault for leaving it on do not disturb is the best thing I've ever had yeah put your emergency people put your mum and you know

important people who would ring you for help in your favourites and then put do not disturb on and they're the only people who can contact you

everyone else it just blanks them oh god as soon as I go opening my bed it's on but yeah I don't know what i'd seen i don't know what i don't think it's the thing with your dad i just was like put don't sleep right with your head right next to your phone i think it was the thing about the chargers that i saw but even though it was on you look i don't know sometimes i panic about stuff just literally right before i was about to

go to bed well 10 years in well you know never to be for me my beef with you you've had it they've been very, I don't think I should have one this week. Oh no, no, 100%. So you are currently having a go at me big time for how I phrase stuff or questions that I ask you

or if I ask you a question that you think was a daft question. Right. And you say it's because I'm wasting your time. What is it? Can you think of one?

I did one the other day. I asked you one, I asked you a question and you were like, why have you asked of one? I did one the other day. I asked you one. I asked you a question. And you were like, why have you asked us that? Stupid question. You always ask us stupid questions. Yeah. But you claim that it's because it wastes your time.

But then you spend 15 minutes dressing us down for asking you a stupid question. It's ridiculous. Like, you literally, 15 minutes, absolutely bollocking us for it. For no reason. That, I mean, that is stretching there. Well, think, Chris. 15 minutes. Think. Why have you asked that? And we all know how low your IQ was.llocking us for it. For no reason. That, I mean, that is stretching there. Well, think, Chris. 15 minutes. Think.

Why have you asked that? And we all know how low your IQ was. We've all heard it. Think, Chris. Why have you asked that? Do you think? Why? Well, what possibly?

Did you have to say that? Did you have to ask us? Wasting my time. Yeah, he has a graph of you wasting me time. It's like a fucking PowerPoint presentation. You go absolutely off it at us. So much to the point of where you sent me a video. I send you a lot of videos that you don't you don't actually watch does anyone else out there have this does your partner send you passive-aggressive videos on how to fix problems that they've decided

you've got in your personality right well all you did was slag the bloke off in the video but this video no it made a lot of sense though he was actually he's trying to get some pussy can i explain it yeah can i explain it i don't know if anyone's seen it she sent made a lot of sense though he was actually he was trying to get some pussy in can I explain it yeah can I explain it I don't know if anyone's seen it she sent us a video of this fucking wet blanket

who's got Stockholm Syndrome off his marriage who's hostage in his own relationship he's like I asked my wife the other day if the muffins

that had came out of the oven were too hot to give our daughter of course they were too hot I knew they were too hot I didn't need to ask her because whatever my wife was doing,

she then had to stop doing that. And they're, all right, hostage. Fucking blink three times if you need me to come and rescue you. No, but that's what you do. Oh, but he was just like, No, I'm sorry.

What a video though. This is how I upset my wife and this is how we show. Oh, mate, we're all busy, man. We've all got stuff going on. Oh, I know, but that's something that you would absolutely do. You would watch me making the kids tea and then i'd plate

it out and i'd something and you'd go is that too hot and you i'd be like you've just you you know the heat of food yeah you know the answer to it why are you asking us the question one it might be something you've given them already that doesn't hold the heat. Two, you might not have... Try it. Try it. Get a little spoon and try it. You don't have to ask the question. No, because you know it's right. It's true.

A woman wouldn't do that. A woman would assess the situation and take over and not have to ask one question. You take over jobs from me about the kids and you ask us every single question. And I'm like, seriously, if I wasn't here, what would you do? I would just do it anyway

because the threat of a bollocking wouldn't be hanging but what I have to do is when I take over a task I have to make sure I know the inside and outside of it

because all that'll happen is the bollocking that follows won't be worth me fucking life and you're smiling because you know it's true no tell you what

let's just split up because I'm sick of this I'm fucking sick of this go on can't marry that fucking knob the video that you sent is if you can peel him away from his wife.

I imagine he's fucking, I imagine there's locks on his fridge, on all his cupboards, and she holds the keys for them all. Right? If anyone's seen this fucking prick on Instagram, send him some hate from me. I hate him.

I hate him. That's a horrible thing to say. No, don't really. That's nasty. But it was just such a soppy. It was literally, he was the relationship version of the kid who puts the hand up in class

and goes sir you forgot to set the homework get in the fucking bin man babadoo babadoo babadoo it's time for questions from the public cues from the pews and the tutututut tips great

as always if you'd like to get in touch it is shaggedmironoid at gmail.com listen let's calm down it's been a bit it's been a bit venomous this one let's me and you unite right been a bit venomous, this one. Let's, me and you, unite, right? And aim all of our venom and anger towards the perverts who've sent these messages in.

Yes. There we go. Okay. Thanks, perverts, by the way. Love you. Mummy and Daddy aren't getting a divorce. No. Not yet.

A bit creepy that you said mummy. A bit weird. A bit weird. Well, my mum and dad, well, actually, my mum and dad used to tell me all the time when I was little that they weren't splitting up

and then they went and then they went and then they went and splat up splat up they said they weren't going to split up and then they splat up

curse splat splat no we're all good we've got too much too much invested on this just the paperwork alone would upset me that's the thing

we'd decide to get divorced and someone would put the papers in front of her and we'd go oh we've got to read all these oh we'll just stay together oh we'll just stay together for a turn

these separate beds we'll be fine we'll be fine you can have one I'll have the good living room you have the family living room well I'm already fuming right

you ready yep my husband I hate your cough wow he coughs like this I'm just trying to clear my throat.

Put a bit of gusto behind it, would you? Actually have a cough. Do it again. Do your cough. I'm just clearing some phlegm. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus Christ. It's like fucking Smithers coughing.

Wow. Anyway, my husband puts motherfucker in every song ever made yay for example your theme tune he sings so this is the jingle the motherfucking jingle yes the thing is he does it then laughs at himself because he thinks he's so clever but the concern is when he does it with the kids shows with kids so theme tunes and it gets in my head and suddenly I'm singing the motherfucking Alpha Blocks. Especially when we watch said show at work in brackets.

I work in a school. Oh right, okay. Doesn't need to be kept anonymous. It's motherfucking Daniel Rose. Wow. What a nice name,

Daniel Rose. Daniel Rose. Oh, imagine if I'd married him. Rose Rose. Rosie Rose. Rosie Rose. Rosie motherfucking Rose. Rosie motherfucking Rose.

Rosie motherfucking Rose. Wow, that would be nice, wouldn't it? Babadoo babadoo babadoo bab. Hello, Rosie and Chris. A gross fetish one for you. Oh God. I know.

The word fetish. The word fetish, even without the word gross next to it, rings alarm bells for me. Brace. Everybody, brace, brace, brace.

Okay? Okay. I've been with my boyfriend for five years now and as time came out, and as time came out? Definitely not a sentence. As time went on, I think, I realised he had more and more unusual fetishes

that go far beyond the not unusual anal ask at times. Oh, God. Oh, run for the hills. Because the hills have eyes and he's at the top of it. This morning, I was it. This morning. I was given this morning. Remember? Remember?

Morning sex. Remember? We used to have that all the time. Yeah. This morning, though. So she's just rolled off and now she's whacked her laptop and just sent him an email. I mean, hopefully.

I don't know. God knows. I feel like he's lying there with whatever juices are still on him while she sends this email. Brace. Really? I've told you to God knows. I feel like he's lying there with whatever juices are still on him while she sends this email. Brace. Really? I've told you to brace yourself. Okay, so this morning.

I was giving him a blowjob. It was after breakfast, but because I'd been in drunken pain the night before, I agreed to the ask. Oh my God. You can be as annoying as you want. You don't have to agree to give your partner a blowjob.

You could literally burn the house down. It doesn't mean you have to give someone a blowjob. Can you all just remember the house down it doesn't mean you have to give someone a blowjob can you all just be honest with you if our house is on fire the last thing i'm thinking about is having a quick blowjob no but you know what i hate i hate that though i've heard so many women i don't know i don't know if it's a bloke thing but i've heard so many women doing it like well you know i'll let him and he go oh what no absolutely not yeah i know what you mean it's just sad what finish this you're not you Yeah. I know what you mean. It's just sad. I'll let him what? Finish this?

You're not explaining it well. Just like, oh, I felt bad, so I gave him a blowjob. And it's like, what the fuck? Like, what? Yeah, I mean, make him some tea. Can't get him a beer. I didn't. Let him watch a UFC for a bit.

I just, if I was angry with you, right, over when I had an argument, and I was, I couldn't give you a blowjob. I couldn't even look you in the face. I suppose you don't have to look in the face though, do you? Yeah, that's the beauty of it. I feel like you'd bite us.

I wouldn't let you near me angry with your teeth. Anyway, she was given, she'd been a drunken pain the night before so she'd agreed to the ask, right? Oh God. So he's just asking for blowjobs.

Oh dear. Like a kid asking to go to the toilet at school. Yeah. Miss. Oh, okay. Everyone's different, I suppose. I could feel my breakfast wanting to come up as I went on

and told him that I was struggling and could we come back to it later. He said to just let this come out. No, no, nah, stop. No, no, I'm not. Stop. Give us a minute. I've got so... First question, what did you have for breakfast?

We might find out. I don't know. Oh, God almighty. Let it go. So he... He's a fucking... He's a degenerate. Disgusting.

He's an absolute animal. I asked a few times, really? And he heavily insisted, saying we can just wash the bedding and that it's just us here. You fucking filthy pig. Should I keep going?

That's what he says, yes. So in my hungover state, I just let it come out. That's just... Oh, no! Subtistic. I not very willingly agreed and before you knew it,

once I started, I couldn't stop. Every suck produced more and more egg, toast and wine from the night before Oh! Egg toast and wine! Three of my favourite things! These are a few of my favourite things! That's us! Oh no!

Egg toast and wine! He was loving it. Stop! Stop! Telling me to keep going. He's a Prison I haven't said it for a while Because I've been holding back Prison

Get the police round his house now He eventually came in my mouth Oh god Egg toast Wine and jizz Oh Jesus Christ Egg toast wine and jizz Egg toast wine and jizz

Blah Ha Ping Egg toast wine and jizz Hey Egg toast wine and jizz. Egg toast, wine and jizz. Blah, ha, ping. Egg toast, wine and jizz. Hey. Egg toast, wine and jizz. We cleaned ourselves and the bedding up. Egg toast, wine and jizz.

I said egg toast, wine and jizz. Hey. I said egg toast, wine and jizz. I said egg toast, wine and jizz. Motherfucker. Egg toast. Right. It came out that he's always wanted me

to be sick on his dick. That is vile. Makes sense now, given some of the other things he's wanted to do to be sick on his dick. That is vile. Makes sense now given some of the other things he's wanted to do but I haven't gone along with in brackets or have I?

I don't know. Don't tell us you've listed them. No. I don't ever shame a fetish. I mean, you can. That's fine. And I love him very much. Never feel pressured

if I do say so. Oh, well, that's good. Just was not the way I thought my day would start and it won't be happening again. Good. Not my thing. Not my thing. And trying to get the vomit smell out of the mattress is proven challenging still this evening.

All my love, Anonymous. Absolutely. I reject your love. I don't want your love. Awful. Awful. Right. The skin around a man's private parts is sensitive at the best of times. Stomach acid.

Hot, innit? Oh! It burns teeth. Oh! What's that going to do to your crotch? Horrible, that. I'm sorry. There's, like...

That, what? What a harrowing, harrowing thing that is. I'm telling you now, I'd rather be shit on than sicked on. Gun to me head. Can you believe every week? I'd rather be shit on. Can you believe every

week? The top of the Apple podcast charts is the biggest political podcasts in the country where they're discussing hard-hitting topical things.

And then sentences like I'd rather be shot on. I would. Honestly. How way? I'm sorry. That's one of the worst. Gun to me head.

Shit on his eye. Gun to me head. Seriously. Yeah, gun to me head. I think this is just vomits so, the smell and it's so and that's what makes us laugh

you know, all this stuff and they're like fetish you're literally cleaning it off your mattress. I mean, it's not worth it. It's the cleaning up cleaning up i once saw i can't remember who it was but i once saw someone do stand-up years ago in a really small club and it was it was a it was

a dirty joke but it was really funny and the whole point of it was like that on a on a porn video the stop so like when when a woman gets come on her face or whatever it stops like it cuts off it doesn't show you them likeaddling to the bathroom afterwards. But it's not real, that's their job. Yeah, because it's bollocks, isn't it? You don't need to do it in your house. But then it's like, she's emailed that and then she's still trying to clean her own sick

and his jizz off her mattress. What, some of you? That's stuff he wants to do. Oh, devastating crack. Oh my God. Wow. And don't get me wrong she might be listening

to this and you know it's absolutely you love who you love but I just I'd have a lot of less respect for you

what I just would be like I love you so much you're a really good dad but you're like it's just vomiting I just I can't imagine

a world where I would do that to someone but then again no better than a little whitey in the morning if you've had a big night out it's good good to get off you i bet you felt fantastic for the rest of the day eggs toast wine and jizz hey egg toast wine and jizz what a happy little song from a sad little moment. There's the title this week. Egg, toast, wine and jizz. Egg, toast, wine and jizz. Shall we?

I just love seeing it up there with the political podcasts. Can you put jizz on there? I don't think you can put jizz. Egg, toast and wine, I think. Egg, toast, wine and jizz. We'll see. Oh, God. I said egg toast

wine and jizz egg toast wine and jizz horrible thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Marinoid which is part of the

Acast creator network I'm so put off by my new song that'll be in the Apple charts is it weird that just listening to that I feel like I need

to go and brush my teeth yeah just because I've heard that I need to go and brush my teeth horrendous I can only apologise to everyone. There's been some fucking stinkers recently.

They are disgusting. Everything we get, there's 57,000 emails in there. Wow. And they're vile. They're vile. I feel like, do you know when you're first in a relationship with someone

and they don't fart in front of you, they'll not pick their nose in front of you and all that, and then you've been in a relationship longer and longer and then everything's just on the table. Do you think that's what it is? That's us with the listeners now. you think that's what it is? That's us with the listeners now. Four years in,

they're like, I'm just getting email. I will tell you my deepest dog. I mean, we love it. Don't stop. We love you for it. Don't ever stop. Don't ever stop. But you know,

we reserve the right to judge. We love you and we'll be back in your ears next week. See you. Bye. You're invited to an immersive listening party

led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca.

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