Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 240. Duvet Lasagne

Episode Date: October 20, 2023

This week on the podcast Chris and Rosie discuss warming up for the tour and unconventional duvet arrangements. There is a diet related beef - and Chris has a special request for Rosie. QFTPs include a frisky book club, an unusual fragrance and some more tales from the swinging community. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theatres Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Denied with me, Rosé, and him, Christopher. Oh. Hi. Oh.

Hi. Hello. How are you? I'm much better than last week. Are you now? Yeah, I'm so sorry. I feel like an absolute just... Unprofessional? Useless.

Massively unprofessional. Pain in the arse? Just, you know, hormonal mess from week to week. But today... Burden. That's horrible. Sorry, I was just giving you words just so you could pick the one you want. No, I feel a lot better.

But you know what it is? I think I also feel a lot better because me and you did our warm-up gig for the tour last night. Yes. And it went all right. It was really good. And I've been shitting me pants.

Yeah, I've been... It's been affecting my life. What are kids saying these days? Low-key? I've been low-key cacking the old knickers like... Well, yeah, because I don't know about you, but I felt like we went to do it last night and before we went on, I was like,

was it all just a fluke? So every single stand-up tour you do, like as a stand-up. But I haven't done... But you have, you've done, it's a comedy tour, so you've done one comedy tour, which was the first Chagrinoy,

and that did the warm-up last night for the second one. And before every one, we've all seen the Lewis Capaldi documentary. It's the difficult second album, but that never gets, the third album's never easier, the fourth album's never,

every single stand-up. So when you do stand-up, right? Sorry. What? I had a dream I was hugging Lewis Capaldi the other night. What a fucking dream. Giving him a hug and I was like, are you all right?

And he was really annoyed that I was asking him if he was all right. In your dream, you were mothering Lewis Capaldi was asking him if he was alright in your dream you were mothering Lewis Capaldi and asking him if he was okay unbelievable

so when you do your first stand up sort of when you do your first Edinburgh Fringe festival as a stand up comic your first hour

your first show you do at the Fringe is basically just a collection of your best shit that you've been doing on the circuit for your career so your first one's

a piece of piss and then your second one you've got to go like right i've got to take a year's worth of new gear up here now and then you have to do that every single year until you're two and it's the same again it's fucking horrible and you always think not even just every tour every gig you go is this the gig where i'm gonna get found out is this the gig where they're gonna go hey hold on hold on everyone's had this wrong hey shit it's always the gig do they're going to go, hey, hold on, hold on, everyone's had this wrong. Hey, shit! It's always the gig. Do you know what I think as well, though?

Not to take anything away from that, because absolutely, and I think stand-up is such a hard job and you do a great job, but... Here comes an insult. No, it's not. It's not an insult at all. And I just feel like we are... I hope you all realise that we are genuinely a married couple who get up with the kids, do the schlog and schlep

and have this life of the kids and we're married, right? A lot of things being mispronounced there, but carry on. Schlep and schlog. Potato, potato. Schlog's not a word, but okay. Tomato, tomato. It's not, is it? The schlog.

What is it? The schlep. Schlog. Oh, the schlog. Like hard schlog. Fuck me. I'm tired. But I was just like, stop it. I know we do this, but this is in'm tired but I was just like

stop it I know we do this but this is in my house I was like are we still funny on stage as a couple and we were and it worked really well

I was dead proud of it but honestly beforehand I was like fuck me we all know about how much I worry on here I had to go and do a random stand up gig

because I had a dream I couldn't do stand up it was pathetic man absolutely pathetic way to go on but it was really good and the tickets for the tour, there's still some available

for some venues around the country. Go on shagwire.com. There's not many. We've been having a sly look. Yeah, we have been having a sly look. I check the seating maps quite regularly. But yeah, it's going to be great. But it was really good fun

and I had a lovely time and I'm feeling good. But you forget, man, like the highs and lows of a gig. You come off fucking wired. I've still got a headache today. We didn't get the Kipdall half twelve that's late for us

I was off me me when was the last time you went to bed at half twelve in the words of Sandra it's hanging on me today it's hanging on me I am

my eyes feel like closed I feel I've had a variprofen before I started I can't text I've only just brushed my teeth oh god

fucking hell I know the magic is over but it went well so anyway it was good thanks to everyone who came all the proceeds for the show

went at the customs house as they will with the next one that we're doing brilliant venue in South Shields go and check that out if you can Jason Cook's got a comedy night there loads of different

mint things happen little amdram stuff Panto's the lot anyway let's crack on let's get back in the fucking zone let's do it it's episode 240.

Ooh. 240. Good number. Yep. Great. They're all good numbers. And without further ado, why is it a good number?

Just, I don't know. Just the certain numbers I like in 240. 240. 240. Okay. Yeah. Maybe, I don't know, there's some distant memory

where I've been paid in cash £240 for a gig and I've thought that's nice. I think that's probably what it is. What a nice work that is. Happy days. That's a New Year's've thought that's nice. I think that's probably what it is. What a nice work that is. Happy days. That's a New Year's Eve.

That's double bubble. Yeah, you've done good there. Dinner included? Always. Oh, heavens above. But little did the people pay

and you know you'd have done it just for the dinner. Oh, yeah. Tell you about when I did a Christmas Day gig, haven't I?

I wrote about it in the book i'm sure right did a gig on christmas day fuck me i was single and just sick of my life and steph came my best mate and we had an argument and my mom had to tell off because we were so depressed oh and i was literally like why the fuck are we here on christmas day what's wrong with me why are you having an argument at a gig i just used to fight quite a bit we were like a couple at one point in our life because you weren't very happy because we weren't very happy

this is famous garlic sauce crying into your chips and garlic sauce the dark days yeah there we go but we made it through still best friends now and both happily married

sort of yeah wow offensive listen thank you for being here thank you for listening thank you for sticking with it

for 240 god damn episodes of absolute fucking drivel and you know what Rosie been having a go at me recently right been I don't believe that for a second having a go at me

saying that I'm saying that I'm you know trying to like I'm not starving myself but you know I'm trying to watch what I'm doing but sometimes I take it too far

and I don't eat enough on a day alright okay well listen all I'm saying is I've took a leaf I've been on Instagram I've been looking at you know your fitness guys you know your fitness guys and gals and everyone else on instagram there your influencers you know everyone's always got a diet they've got a fad

they've got stuff going on i've come up my sponsor this week's sponsor is my brand new diet great i've come up with great to help everyone out there achieve their goals achieve their gains right and and you know just live a healthy, fulfilled Instagram life. Right. Is this a sponsor? Yeah. This week's lucrative sponsor is my new diet, the Curry in Six Pints diet.

Well, that's right. Okay. It's the Curry in Six Pints. That's your old diet. No, no, no, no, no. Listen, it's a state of mind. It's not even a diet. It's a state of mind. It's the Curry in Six Pints diet.

So every single day I wake up, right, and that night I plan to have a curry in six pints. I would love that. Can we do that tonight? Listen, every single night I plan to have a curry in six pints, right? I spend the whole day looking forward to my curry in six pints, right? Then every night I decide against having a curry in six pints. Well, yeah, because it wouldn't be good to have it every night.

Making a healthy choice. Well done. For my future oh good every night bar a couple of months I say I'm not having that curry

and that six pints yeah good and I make a healthy clever proactive choice for my health I'm doing so well that is honestly

last night you should write a book about that ask me if I had a curry and six pints last night did you have a curry and six pints no I didn't night before ask us

if I had a curry did you have a curry and six pints no because I'm doing well you had one not long ago don't worry about that six pints last night. Did you have a curry and six pints? No, I didn't. The night before, ask us if I had a curry and six pints. Did you have a curry and six pints? No. No. Because I'm doing well. You had one not long ago. Don't worry about that.

So probably about three weeks ago you definitely had a curry and six pints. Yeah, yeah. And then you know what I did? Next day, back on it. Do you know what? There's method in madness

because it's similar to me because I would tell you that the other week I ate six packs of crisps, right? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not the other week, the other day. In a day, but it was a couple of weeks ago other week I ate six packets of crisps right no no no no not the other week the other day in a day

but it was a couple of weeks ago I could eat six packets of crisps every day yeah of course but I don't but I make that choice there we are to not

so listen look at me and my healthy lifestyle yeah how many packets of crisps did you have the other day none fucking thank you

ask me if I'm having a curry and six pints a night are you having a curry and six pints a night. Are you having a curry and six pints? Possibly. I genuinely could eat a curry tonight. A proper curry. I wonder how many people now listen to this are like, I'm going to get a curry tonight because you've mentioned curry.

Like me, I've said in the past, if I literally, all I have to do is what, Robin or Rafe have to be watching a cartoon where someone's eating a pizza on the cartoon. If I say that pizza, that's it. Yeah. That's it. I'm like that with pasta.

Like Instagram at the minute. Watching reels and that of people just making pasta. But then they add cheese and that and I'm like... I'll tell you what fucks me off, right? First of all, no cheese is amazing. It's when people go,

oh, this is a quick recipe to make this low-fat, low-carb, high-protein chicken wrap. And they show you them and there's a platter of them. There's like 40 of them on a platter. Right. Loads of fucking sauce on it. And I go, oh yeah, I'll have wrap. And they show you them. And there's a platter of them. There's like 40 of them on a platter. Right. Loads of fucking sauce on it.

And I go, oh yeah, I'll have that. And then it shows you how to make it. At the end of the video, you find out that you're only supposed to have one. Well, who's the platter? Why have you made a full platter? You reeled me into this video thinking low carb, low fat and high protein

was me being able to scram that entire platter. Is that seriously how your brain thinks? You fucking show them all at the beginning. They're like, look at all this. You can have all this. It's guilt free. You go, oh great, I'll have that. Oh, one of them fucking, she couldn't tell us that. It's bullshit. I haven't won. I want more. You do like a lot of grub, but we'll delve into

your current diet in the beefs. Okay, but listen. If you're listening, plan that curry in six pints every single night. Six pints? Don't have it. Five nights a week. You've done really bloody well. Hey pints? Don't have it. Five nights a week. You've done really bloody well. Yeah, well done. Congratulations. Hey, case up on the back.

Here's a jingle. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode.

240 episodes in. Bloody Nora. I don't know if that's including the out-of-office replies, you know. It might actually be more than 240. There might be a few out-of-office replies in there that didn't get numbered. I don't know. Is that when we have weeks off? I don't remember our last week off.

Listen, ask someone who knows how it works, because I don't know how it works. I know you don't know how it works. Is that when we have weeks off? I don't remember our last week off. Listen, ask someone who knows how it works because I don't know how it works. I know you've got no idea. I just press record, I carry on. Genuinely, just as I was saving the file there, I'm thinking, is it episode 240? It might not be. But I've said it now.

We're here anyway. So there we go. But is that all right? Bloody autumn's kicked in, hasn't it? Kicked in massively. Kicked in. Kicked the fucking front doors right in. I've got a jumper on.

I know. You're finally starting to feel the cold. Yeah. We've got two quilts on our bed now. Should I've got a jumper on. I know. You're finally starting to feel the cold. Yeah. We've got two quilts on my bed now. Should I just buy a thicker quilt? Buying quilts in bed

really, really frustrates me. I'm really not good at buying bedding. No. We've got so much bedding that doesn't match and it just drives us a bit.

So we've got, we must have three or four duvet covers and only one of them fits. I think so. And when that one's dirty, we're just in a mist shape and fucking, it's like a giant pillow well thank god thank god for dryers because if we didn't have a dryer like we'd be going to bed with no sheets on you wouldn't again we've been over this before you wouldn't you wouldn't care you'd happily sleep in a crack

den you're not bothered no clean crack den. It's clean. Do you know what I mean? Not objecting to the term crack den. No, just clean. I like a double duvet. I do like a double duvet. Yeah, it's nice. It's a bit heavier.

It's good for your anxiety. Yeah, lovely. A bit like a weighted blanket. Slept like a bloody baby last night. Yeah, pushing you down. It's nice, actually. Have I ever told you when I moved in with Carl Hutchinson back in the day in Manchester and I found found out his sleeping system so he had i don't know if he still does this i doubt

because i imagine his wife sophie has quite rightly beaten this out of him which it should have been done years ago so he had a multiple duvet system right tell me so i remember when he moved in it was like but i brought his duvet and i was like all right that's a duvet he's like bringing it from the car whatever and then it's like another bag duvet bag duvet another dude like six yeah i'm not no word of a lie he must have had six or seven duvets on his bed right so imagine at the same time yeah yeah yeah they're all on there they're all the same time uh they were all different colors different thicknesses right it was it was horrible horrible why is he doing that no imagine princess in the fucking pain i used to call him that i used to say right first time i saw it i was like i went in his room and sat down i was chatting i was like what's going on here and it was just honestly six or seven

duvets like a duvet lasagna okay okay so hot night yeah one duvet on top of you sleep on top of the others bit colder one more in right cold one more in and basically that that's that's kind of how we did it yeah so weird and that's weird but it's a very that is a very working class thing yeah yeah because i remember as a kid when it got colder we've talked about this before and i've got i found one the other day the sheepskin thing yeah yeah yeah as soon as it got a bit colder I'd go to bed and I'd be like, ah, the sheepskin. And then there was a few years

where we had like a duvet on the bottom and then like two duvets on top and then a blank, like, yeah. That's the thing though. I was like, mum, put the heating on. A duvet? Just stop trying to smother us with these duvets

and put the heating on your jeep. Fuck us. That was the only thing with Carl's system though because a duvet underneath you insulates you from the bottom as well. It does warm you up. Yeah, yeah. So I think,

if I remember rightly, you would sleep bang in the middle of all of them and if it was a really cold night, you'd be bang in the middle so you had the heat from the bottom and the heat from the top. Why don't we nick the air,

I've got a mattress topper from the IKEA bed in the guest room. Well, I tell you what right now. The guest room, darling. Oh, darling. Check your privilege. The guest room slash Lego room. There's literally Lego all over the floor. The guest room. Well, I'll tell you what right now. The guest room, darling. Fucking check your privilege. The guest room slash Lego room.

There's literally Lego all over the floor. The guest room that if a guest ever turns up, I'll have to go with a fucking, literally a sweeping brush from outside and sweep Lego and carpet fibres into the corner of the room because it's disgusting in there. And it meant that we've got a spare bedroom.

What, you're joking, aren't you? There's a tax on that, man. Oh, you had a spare bedroom growing up, didn't you? Oh, I had it, yeah. It was a spare, oh, we didn't. I knew it would come back to this. Chocolate block. I knew it would come back to you

and your fucking bucket family from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Just because there was more of it. All the way in one bed were nine duvets. Granda, Granda, get a chocolate bar. Have we got the golden ticket, Granda? Have we got the chocolate factory? Listen, right?

Don't go to my dad, my dad will kick off. Right. My dad literally is like, stop telling people who I know. You've had a good childhood, you did. You went on holiday. Stop telling people never went on holiday. We didn't for years.

Listen, couple of things, right? First of all, yes, love to, love to do this. Second of all, miniature little beef I've got with you, actually. Speaking of sheepskin. Great. Speaking of sheepskin. Sheepskin. I'm glad we're going to get the mattress topper. Sh with you, actually. Speaking of sheepskin. Great. Speaking of sheepskin. Sheepskin?

I'm glad we're going to get the mattress topper. Ships in the night. Stop changing the subject. Yes. I'm glad we're going to get this mattress topper because you did an incredible thing the other day. You found the sheepskin in the cupboard and brought it out. It's in like a see-through. Yeah, yeah.

It's in a see-through carrier bag. Yeah. And you brought it out and you went, there's sheepskin there for the bed. We'll put it on the bed. And I went, no, Rosie. I went, we can't put it on there. That was for Robin's bed in the old house. That that fits a single bed no one's got the single bed anymore and you went oh i'll just put it on my side then as i shall i will christopher let's not

beat around the bush we that last night was the first night we've spent in bed together by the way oh little before you last night was the first night we spent in the same bed full night together, right? Because we love each other still, you know, sex life is nice,

but, but kids are fucking killing me, right? And they just won't sleep on their own and you know what? Whatever, it's fine.

We're just sleeping. I don't care. I don't, I'm not, I'm one of them that's just like, I'll see you enough. It's fine.

I'll see you enough. Yeah, and we have a little time in bed and then we go, you go to robin's bed and rave comes in with me anyway um last night we slept together tennis snoring again what's that three o'clock in the morning oh it's coming back oh yes i don't miss i don't miss it wow i sleep better without you in the bed wow I do me and Rafe are a better team than you are wow and he pulls me hair all night

yeah so I love you man but I don't miss you Robin never complains about his tennis knowledge so I think we've found a solution I think we have

what are we going to do when they get older and move out just before we move on there big shout out to Heavy Hearts go out to all the fellas out there

whose wife has described their sex life there, big shout out to Heavy Hearts. Go out to all the fellas out there whose wife has described their sex life as nice. Big shout out there. I'm sure I said decent. Definitely said nice. Decent's worse. Decent's worse. Don't downgrade it. You definitely said nice.

Everyone, did you? She said nice. Nice. Sex life. It is nice. Nice. It is nice. Great.

Just a great review. Just a great review. What do you want? Three stars. What do you want? Some funny bits. Some nice bits. Jesus. Just a great review. Just a great review. What do you want? Three stars. What do you want? Some funny bits. Some nice bits. Jesus.

Ten years of being together. Yeah? I don't mind it. Christ, I like. Can it win? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. So something happened which hasn't ever happened before. I don't think.

This is the first time this has happened. It involves Robin, our eldest. He drew a picture the other day. Are we going to talk about the picture? Come on, then. So he drew a picture the other day. Are we going to talk about the picture? Come on, then. So he drew a picture. He was drawing his family, right? But he wanted to draw his poos,

because they're just... When's he going to grow out of the poo thing? I've never grown out of being obsessed with poo. Fair enough. We've got a section on this podcast called Let's Talk About Shit. I know, but it's just... How dare you? All right, well, fair enough.

Well, he drew all his shit, right? Like the emoji, the poo emoji. So I'm there as blonde. He's there as blonde. Rafe's there. Rafe's really small and he's also got a shit

and he's nappy. Yeah. So he's got like smell coming from him. The inception going on there. You're there, right? You are a poo and you are really angry.

Yeah. And it says... So it's... Well, right. So I'll go from the... Me first. I'm there, smiling. so it's, well, right, so I'll go from the, me first, I'm there, smiling,

but it's got in brackets, listening to music, again. Because you've always got headphones on, ignoring your family. Yeah, I'm not ignoring my family. You are. I'm just making dinner,

I don't want it in there, watching the telly. Yeah, but you need, like, I can crack on, and just listen, and be like,

present, but you're like, I'm doing this, headphones on, like fucking, like glazed over. It's just what I do. It's ridiculous.

Right. Rafe's there, he's put, Rafe's had a poo, and he's put me, the best, right, like fucking glazed over. It's just what I do. It's ridiculous. Right. And Rafe's there, he's put Rafe's had a poo and he's put me, the best, right? He's got sunglasses on. And then it says you, brain lava.

Brain lava. Apparently. And in brackets, he's very angry. Yeah. And then I said, why is dad angry? And he said,

he's always angry. How does that make you feel? Your son. How do you, of course I'm always angry with How does that make you feel? Your son. Of course I'm always angry. My entire family are shits. He's always angry. I know. A bit annoying.

But I said to him as well, I was like, is daddy always angry? He was like, well, sometimes. And I was like, oh, well, I try. And he was like,

dad, man. His exact words were, I didn't draw it for that. I didn't draw it for like a chat. Oh God. I didn't draw it for that. He hates Oh God. I didn't draw it for that. He hates a chat. I was like,

alright, I was just going to say, look, I'm really sorry, I'll try not to be angry, but you know, try not being a little fucking tosser all the time.

Just thought it was quite funny. You're not angry all, I mean you are angry quite a lot, but you're not angry all the time. I'm not angry all the time. You're a very good dad. I just, do you know what it is?

I'm really fucking loud and I raise my voice. Yeah. Do you know what it is? And it's not like an angry raise my voice, it's just like, she just doesn't fucking listen man

no no they don't they don't Chris but the sooner that you realise that they don't listen the better you're gonna be you get yourself so wound up and I'm literally like I ask them

if they want something and if they don't reply I don't ask them again right so this does fuck me off because on a morning I literally go I go Robin John's breakfast

Robin Robin John Johnson breakfast Robin Robin Johnson breakfast Robin Robin Robin ages and then

and you go just don't say anything just sit down don't give him anything until he asks for something because he's ignoring you which is fair enough the fucking second

my arse touches that sofa the second my arse touches that sofa he goes I'm on some serious, I'm like, fuck, I've just,

I've just, so I try and get it out of the way while I'm standing up because there's nothing worse than sitting down and relaxing and immediately having to get back up. Sometimes in this house, I don't sit down.

I just stand. I just stand in the corner like a fucking waiter. I think we think, I think nowadays, you know, we think of our children as too young,

whereas I remember being nearly eight and I'm honestly sure i used to go downstairs by myself in the morning absolutely no chance i'm allowed to make his own see i'd rather do because my mom used to put making him make sorry to interrupt but him making his own cereal the amount of fucking cleaning up i would have to do after that is probably 10 times more work than just making my ball i know he made hot chocolate on the coffee machine the other day it was unbelievable but but but you, he's got to learn. My mum used to cover our cereal on a night time

with cling film on the top and we would come downstairs and we'd get the milk out and put the milk on and we would do it ourselves. I remember being downstairs with Kevin, my brother,

on my own. Yeah. I do. So when can we do that? I will never be able to do that because I'll be lying upstairs going, I know he's ate cereal

almost every day for seven and a half years now but is today the day he chokes on his cereal and i'm upstairs sleeping i know i know i know i can't do it i can't do it yeah same like honestly if we had different kind of kids maybe our kids just aren't that and i don't think i'm that late but i'm on his fucking wedding day i will be standing near his table going, is he going to choke on that steak? I hope you're not, but you probably will be. Hey, honestly.

Yeah. Okay then, fair enough. Maybe you have a couple more, yeah? I think 10. Well, we've all talked about, I've talked many times about the time I went downstairs. The first time I ever went downstairs to make myself bread and butter for my breakfast and I accidentally put lard on the bread and basically had

what was a lard sandwich. You do that now you've got no idea what anything is Oh god it's awful. I still remember it now. Oh god. Claggy. Very claggy. Oh god. Babadoo babadoo babadoo baa Rosie are you excited? For what? Coming up right now. You need to warn us about these things. Well I'm gonna tell you right now. Coming up right now it is I'm, you need to warn us about these things. Well, I'm going to tell you right now. Coming up right now, it is, I'm sure you've seen it, I'm sure everyone's seen it, International Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Week is coming up.

Oh, it's not, is it? Yeah. Are you excited? No, I couldn't give a shit. Listen, I hate how much I have to be involved in your hobby.

I love that you've got a hobby. It's really good. You seem a lot happier since you've been going. I'm genuinely chuffed about that. It's really icky when you say you have to put time aside

to cut your nails before you go, but that's fine. That aside, right? Whatever. Ugh, vile. Why have I got to be involved in it? I don't tell you

about anything I do. So why, you brought it up on here. Well, I'm just explaining it. Why? Nobody gives a shit. Because it's just, well, no, some people do.

You know, I get some comments on that now and then. I'm just letting you know. And I'm mainly, I've waited until now so that we've got an audience. Much like when, you know, when you were younger, if you waited until now so that we've got an audience. Much like when, you know,

when you were younger, if you wanted your friend to sleep at your house, you would ask your mom in front of your friend. Oh, don't. What is it? What is it?

Where do you want to go? No? When? How many days? What is it? So it's a week. It's international. I don't have to leave

because obviously the gym I go to, SBG, South Shields, is fantastic and they're hosting a lot of events and stuff and people are coming over, right? So it's the week of the 6th of November. Right. Right. Okay. the gym I go to, SBG, South Shields, is fantastic and they're hosting a lot of events and stuff and people are coming over, right? So,

it's the week of the 6th of November. Right. Right? Okay. The week before the tour starts. Yeah, but I don't have much on and the tour should be all sorted then.

It should be basically relaxing and doing my own thing and I'll take it easy so I don't get injured or anything, right? So, seminars and instructors from all around the world,

Monday, 7 till 10. Why are you asking on here? Because I'm just letting you know, Monday, 7 till 10. Yeah? At night?

Yes. Can I get a yes? No, you can't. I don't have any diary. Check your diary. Come on. Monday of that week. Are you asking on here so that you've got some sort of backup

that you can go? 100%. I need it written down. Monday 7-10. Yeah. Yeah, fine. Wednesday 7-10. Yeah.

Yeah. Thursday 7-10. Monday, what? Monday, Wednesday, Thursday. Monday, Wednesday, Thursday 7-10. Yeah. Friday 7-10. No, can't on Friday. 7-10 Monday what Monday Wednesday Thursday Monday Wednesday Thursday 7-10 yeah Friday 7-10 no

7-11 sorry can't on Friday it's my sister's birthday right maybe I'll not do the Friday then Saturday midday till about 9 and then drinks after absolutely not

why no I'm not having it no that's funny that's funny because I just completely made up International Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Week.

What I've read to you there are the exact hours that you did GNS two weeks ago. I knew it was. You fell right into me trap. There's no such thing as International Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Week. Well, there might be, but all that was bollocks. But those exact hours that I read there were the exact fucking gigantic collection of days

that you were away from your shitty stupid fucking singing group okay and the worst one the worst one was it was the saturday you did the saturday all day then you did the show and then you went we're all going to someone's house after for drinks and i went really and you went well i want to see them all i was like you're fucking seeing them all week that was me that was funny that was no i'm not finished that was when you coined i've written it down that was when you coined your new catchphrase

when I said oh afterwards Shamim you not like go for it or do you want to come home and we'll get a curry or something like that your exact catchphrase

your brand new catchphrase that you've coined now that you say every time you want to do something Chris we've got the rest of our lives together Chris

we've got the rest of our lives together. So I'm doing this stuff that I want to do, but you can't do anything you want to do. You can do everything you want to do. Don't even start with me. Don't start. Do not believe him because he has a lot going on in his life. Do not believe him.

Guys, check her Instagrams. How many times is she out? You don't put anything on Instagram. You twat. But touche. Well done. Very good. Do you know as well,

on the Saturday, because we had a matinee and an evening performance, a lot of people went home. Mainly friends did not go home. Everyone who had kids stayed. Everyone who didn't have kids went home. Because we were like,

if we go home, we're going to have to bear it. And that is more tiring than just sitting in the dressing room doing nothing. Piece of shit. Oh, hey, listen. If you want to go to Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu,

it's not a thing. I literally made it up. So my thing is, I don't care what you do on the night time because when I was going to J&S, I wasn't leaving the house

till like 20 to 7. You would leave just before bath time. It was carnage. They were screaming, they were shouting, they were naked, rubbing their naked arses.

No, I would help with bath time loads and then I went. No, no, no, no, no. You got ready. You got ready for 45 minutes then you left. No, I didn't.

You were essentially checked out at about 6 o'clock. because I didn't. Alright, half an hour. Half six you were gone. Right, no, no, no, no. You got ready. You got ready for 45 minutes. Then you left. No, I didn't. You essentially checked out at about six o'clock. Because I didn't. All right, half an hour. Half six, you are gone. Right, okay. But you, BJJ, you're like this at quarter past five.

I've got to go. Cut me nails. Get sorted. Put me eye mask on for the lads. Oh, grim. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe-Hirwe,

the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? 666 is the mark of the devil. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care.

From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap. It's time for What's Your Beef?

What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Just to let you know, I suggested that we shouldn't really have one this week because you've just annihilated us there. Yeah, but that's no reason, you know, just because you... It's a fake little week. I had anxiety when you were saying all them dates. Don't leave me. Just a side note as well, by the way, you've got to cut your nails and have a wash before you go to Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu

because, you know, you're in close contact with other people. It's not anyone who's listening doesn't understand. It's basically wrestling, scrabbling, you know. But it's really strange because we were there the other night and the guy who takes the class who younger than me had to sit and tell everyone at the end who are grown fucking men to wash and wash their clothes and cut their nails before they get here i'm like i mean i'm dare i say it i'm one of the cleanest people i know like i i just don't think grown ass men should be told that well you've obviously

not met many disgusting grown ass men if you'd have told me when I was 23 that I would marry a man who wrestles I'd have said you're fucking

not a chance it's not wrestling you just said it's wrestling I use that as a layman's term it's not I mean it is there's wrestling takedowns anyway look

I just wouldn't have believed it wouldn't believe it football maybe i don't know cricket something nice don't like team sports yeah you're alone in this world you're going you're coming to this world alone and you go out alone as well wrestle alone listen uh do you want to go ladies first have you got a beef or did you not i do because i've got a beef i've got loads my beef at the minute is just you and your new eating disorder. Right. It's not an eating disorder. Well, okay. I know that's such a triggering word and I'm sorry.

I don't mean it that much. But Chris, at the minute, you're just skipping food, which is making you really awful to be with and miserable. And I'm like, it's really good. You look in great shape, but you cannot do anything. No, right. Okay. You're welcome. But you can't do anything

like a normal person who can just kind of be like right okay what's the word like a level thing can't do anything by half yes you go so full in

so now he's like literally on these shakes which are meal replacements and I read the label and I was like okay that's great I get it right

but they're like 450 calories each because it's a meal yeah but you could just make a meal that's like. I get it, right? But they're like 450 calories each. Because it's a meal. Yeah, but you could just make a meal that's like really low carb and really healthy for 450 calories. Eat, for fuck's sake. I do, but sometimes I'm in a hurry.

Like last night, I had to come home and get ready for the gig and go straight back. There's days when you're not in a hurry and it's Saturday afternoon, you've got football going on and you're like, just going to have a shake.

And I'm like, oh my God, it's so unattractive. Just eat. Eat something. Full disclosure, I really like them. They taste really sweet and I really like milkshakes. And the fact that it's also a meal, I don't have to fanny on, I really like it.

All right, well, okay then. All cards on the table, I find it really unattractive that I'm out, a man who just is skipping dinners. So just, you are, the other day, we had such a bad day. We argued all day you were horrible that was my fault and then by six o'clock

you went I think I'm just really hungry and I was like oh my god you're gonna ruin my marriage through not eating sorry I hold my hands up there

I hold my hands up there just eat have a have an apple the problem was so sometimes I do let stuff get in my head right and I was

what happened was you go too far you go too far you're extreme what happened was I'll tell you exactly what happened was I had my normal breakfast of champions you know if i'm just having a little light breakfast i'll just have like a banana and uh or like me little yogurt thing with a bit of oats in it just a chill little nice really good for you well done then we went to a cake place

because we're planning robin's birthday cake and we i bought i got excited yes and obviously i haven't been having as much stuff like sweet stuff yeah so i had this like oh my god it was like a bisque off and white chocolate crumble slab and i had that and i was like like i don't know why but like you know like i don't know i don't know why i put the pressure on myself but i was just like like someone trying to fit into a certain pair of trousers i was like i've had that i need to not and i had a fuckload of sugar then i didn't need anything else for the rest of the day and I peaked

and I fucking dropped and I was in a manky mood and I bought you flowers the next day I apologised I bought you flowers it was that bad everyone it was that bad

I think looking after yourself especially when we're getting older is such a good thing and eating better we are both eating better we don't have as many takeaways we're trying not to drink as much bloody bloody blah

I turn down six pints and a curry every night. Exactly. But you're allowed to... I feel like, Chris, you're one of these people where you need to be told. So I'm telling you.

I don't do anything in moderation. You are allowed to eat cake. You haven't got your wedding coming up. Trying to get in them pants, right? You're allowed to eat and have a day. And then the next day, just go, right, okay, I'll not do that today. Absolutely right.

Stop turning it so extreme. You're completely right. Because that's what you you do and it's really horrible to live with honestly and you judge me so much when i ate them six bags of crisps you judged you you were horrible i went and got the fucking i want every single one of them from the cupboard for you yeah but you are really horrible because i had to get up i didn't want to get up no you are it's nice quit sugar on that it's steel we'll be the end of it but anyway whatever

what's it be for me it will why did you why did you break up and stop doing that podcast that was good just fucking stopped eating

horrible what have I happened to be acting this morning I had two size stoves scrambled eggs and some beans and sausages so stick that in your pocket since I haven't talked to you

about it though yeah fair enough honestly listen I'm so sorry I just wanted I'm not I'm not trying to joke about it though. Yeah, fair enough. Honestly. Listen. I'm so sorry. I just wanted, I'm not trying to joke about it. Because I,

you know, there's people who listen to this who might have struggled with eating disorder. I'm not taking the piss. I'm just trying to say to Chris, on here, so it goes into his brain, don't be so extreme with the eating.

Because you have got the tendency to be like, I'm not eating anything ever again. It's six duvets. Do you know what I mean yeah it is what it is but you don't eat because you look great and you're doing and you're healthy and you're exercising and all right you just chill out thank you tell you what i'm gonna be in that's a real brazilian jiu-jitsu week i'm gonna be eating so much good for you i'm glad i'm glad i'm gonna replace all those electrolytes and stuff listen my beef with you is we watch documentaries and you listen to true crime and stuff.

Yes, love them. And now and then you will learn a new word or phrase from something horrible in a documentary. Right. I know what it is, but I forgot. Claim that I'm doing it to you. Right. So yesterday we were doing rehearsals.

I was trying to cuddle you a couple of times doing the rehearsals because you know there's a lot of standing around a lot of hanging around in a theater and my wife's there and i love you i'm professional i like a little cuddle now and then uh so your new one that you learned was a love bombing yeah stop love bombing as you said um that was annoying yeah and then obviously the one before that you learned was gaslighting so you claimed i was gaslighting forever yeah and then last night he said look stop love bombing us wasn't when you and i'm like look stop learning new phrases and use them against us and then you hit us back with why you're gaslighting us and i just feel like i feel like you need to stop just just if anyone's in here shot just if anyone who doesn't really know where pat is like you know

staff at the venue just in here shot thinking oh really know her, Pat, you know, staff at the venue, just any a shot thinking oh, I heard her accusing him of some really fucking high level manipulative things here. Do you think we should have a word with someone about it? Maybe just stop, maybe whisper them. Maybe say the word, it's just me and you. Stop cuddling us in front of everyone.

I hate it. It's like, remember Clueless? Did you ever watch Clueless? Nope. Well, there's a lovely bit with Brittany Murphy and Alicia Silverstone where they're talking about

they watch a new thing and they try to get like a new sentence, like a new word into a sentence. Right. Yeah, sporadically. And that's what you do.

It's what I try to do. Just hear a good word and I think I'm going to use that. No, they're not good words. They are awful phrases used to describe manipulative, horrible, let's be honest, men

in documentaries and true crime that you listen to. We're watching a lot of them at the minute though. It's really... Oh God. It's a bit intense.

Again, I can tell we've always watched something high level and really intense where we've got to quickly flip over and watch an old episode of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire

as a little palate cleanser before bed. Yeah. So it's a bit intense, isn't it? Rolling with the homies. What's that? Tough Clueless. Oh, God. It's time for Questions from the Public.

Questions from the Public. Public. Public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. Please continue to send your wonderful input that really, genuinely, trying not to sound insincere here,

makes the podcast what it is. Oh god, yeah. Thank you. Love it. How are you Rosie and Chris? Nice. My mum is an avid member of her local book club. A club you would expect to meet upstanding members of society who all share a passion for reading and discussing their thoughts and ideas about said

book over a hot cup of Earl Grey tea. Sounds fucking awful, but carry on. I can imagine that it's amazing if you like reading. So, you know, don't knock it till you try it. Okay, not going to try it. Sounds awful. Carry on. And howe, you used howe wrong, by the way. Howe means, it doesn't mean that.

It's not a greeting. It means come on. Well, there might not be... Look, just delete this email. I'm joking. I'm email. I'm joking. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm in a silly mood.

Good. She's been going for years and being brutally honest, I haven't ever paid much attention to the standard mum gossip she hears from the club. Okay. In brackets. For example,

Angela's daughter getting into uni, blah, blah, blah. It's hardly gossip, but fair enough. Well, until last week. Okay. Congratulations, Angela's daughter, if you're listening, by the way.

Yeah, well done. So apparently... Listen, I never went to uni. It's good. So apparently one of these women at the boot club suddenly turned around to my mum and out of the blue asked her if she approved of something she recently did.

The woman went on to tell her that during a standard Tuesday morning when she was working from home, she had a knock at the door from a delivery driver. She was specific about who this driver worked for, but I don't want to get you guys done for defamation. Defamation even.

And in her words, he was surprisingly quite good looking. Heavens above. I have no idea how this escalated so quickly, but they somehow hit it off whilst she was signing for her package. And she invited him inside inside only to book him on her living room sofa never in the world my poor mom was apparently utterly speechless and had absolutely no idea how to respond i didn't think this happened in real life neither that and even worse couldn't look the woman's poor husband in the eye when you came to pick her up the book club the book club oh no so scandalous who would have ever thought this kind of behavior went on outside of internet

porn eh my mom asked me how i would have responded to this woman asking me if i approved of what she did and i can't decide if out of pure shock i'd say you get yours hun or what the actual fuck love you need help i can imagine how chris would respond but what would rosie have had said oh what would i have said um i'd have probably been like seriously did you wear a condom did you not wear a condom was it good why the living room sofa of all the places and what i think like right a couple of things I want to say here. One, didn't think this happened

in real life. No. Two, don't know how that would happen so quickly. Three, he's going to be late for some deliveries here.

Yeah. And I know they're on a strict fucking time schedule and they get like penalised and stuff. So hope it was worth it fella. His penis was getting idolised as well.

Great. Thank you. Didn't know where you were going with that. You pulled that back in the end. I did didn't I, yeah. Penis was getting idolised. Absolutely wonderful track you didn't know where you're going with that you pulled that back absolutely i was gonna say penis eyes but um i don't think this happened i think they're reading a book in which this happened right but the person who wrote in her mom hasn't been paying attention and this woman has told her this story as if it's happened to her to trick her and find out that she's actually not paying attention to the book.

Do you think? Yeah. Or? Like me going like, oh, you know, oh, you alright? Yeah, you enjoying book club? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you know what happened to me the other day? I opened me wardrobe and there was like another world inside there and I went in and there was like a talking lion call. I was landing that and they go, oh, I was there, yeah.

And I go, ah, you haven't fucking been paying attention to Lion Witch in the wardrobe. Yeah. Fair enough, fair enough enough it's like you with my with the bloody bjj club yeah yeah yeah maybe but maybe this is a this is a little bit out there but i think some people who are unhappy in their marriage might make up scenarios and say things just to get people's reaction because she might have wanted that woman to say i'm really glad you did that because your husband's a prick

and you should leave him. Wow. I think some people need to be told to leave their partners. Okay. Do you not agree? I don't agree. And again,

I can't believe I have to tell this again. Stop going up to people in the street and tell them that. Oh no, I've never had to. Like I haven't personally had to tell anyone that. You know,

you too. You should leave him. Bye. Rosie, leave it. Not again today. Come on. Sorry, everyone. I've never done it, but. Bye. Rosie, leave it. Not again today. Come on. Sorry, everyone. Just out of the way.

I've never done it, but I'm just saying, I think maybe she might not be happy, and she's thinking up scenarios in her head, and saying them out loud. I don't know. Might be the way she gets her kick. It might have genuinely happened. I don't know what to say about it, though. Porn had to get the idea from somewhere.

Well, I'm sorry. I sign for a lot of packages, and it's never come to my mind. You send I'm sorry. I sign for a lot of packages and I've never, it's never come to my mind. You send me to the door to sign for a lot of them. I have to sign for most of them. Because I've just... I've never fancied fucking any of them.

Don't put myself in that situation. It's so easy to happen. It's not easy to happen at all. How would that happen? How in a million years? I've got no idea how that would happen. Other than answering the door naked, flashing them and going,

do you fancy it? How would it happen? In my opinion, if you're going to go answering the door naked, flashing them and going, do you fancy it? How would it happen? In my opinion, if you're going to go to the door flashing and asking every single guy, you are going to get blacklisted from some delivery places before you end up getting a shag.

That's just, that's where my money goes. Throw some shit. Throw enough shit, some sticks. Yeah. You'll get a shag, but I tell you what, DHL and every,

aren't going to touch you ever again with a shitty stick. I know, that's true. Mind, isn't that funny how, this is going a bit, not serious, but isn't it funny how we talk about women flashing as if it's okay, but men, it's absolutely not. Well, it's because of that old,

it's because of that old, the old sort of stereotype that blokes are always up for a shag and women aren't always up for a shag. I don't think women flash as much. I don't know. Yeah. Who knows? I don't think women flash as much.

I don't know. I sometimes always think about these don't think women flash as much. I don't know. It's an odd, it's, I sometimes always think about these things. Just think. It's, it is the old stereotype that women hold all the cards in sex

and men are just like, you know, are like, whenever I hear a bloke say, oh, she promised, oh, but I get,

like, you know, the old, I haven't really heard it for years. I think I've seen it on, I've seen it on telly and stuff. I have heard it a couple of times where it's like, oh, you're'll come for you know you later on you're

coming for a curry tonight i come staying out for a few more pints oh no i'm on a promise tonight just tell us i can chug other night oh what is your life i know oh god how sad well tell me how you think that's sad because he's come out and he's had a couple but he's going to go back in and he's had to pre-plan that he's a lot he's allowed no spontaneity at all yeah like he's come out and he's had a couple but he's going to go back in and he's had to pre-plan that he's allowed no spontaneity at all like he's you know he's had you know can I have a shag tonight love

where's your scratch card how many stamps you got right yeah you got okay you got five stamps that does equal one shag where's me right I'll just take that off

on your card there's your loyalty card back I don't know it just seems a bit it's just how some people live their lives though isn't it well I know but still I kind of get it I seems a bit it's just how some people live their lives though isn't it well nah nah but still

I kind of get it I think some people are very in like a routine yeah 9 to 5 sex on a Friday sex on a Friday yeah

see what I mean or she just wants him in early to get up with the beans so she's literally like right don't go for a curry because that's going to be an extra hour and a half and you'll have 3 more pints

come home I'll book you and you'll be up with the beans. I'll be dazed. But I would do. You'll be out delivering by 10 o'clock. Yeah. You'll be booking again.

Exactly. There you look. Oh, stop. Got a delivery for you to sign for, sweetheart. Oh yeah, no problem. What is it? This penis. Ew.

Bow. Sorry. Disgusting. Sorry, I just accidentally played a clip of a movie I'm making there. Sorry, I don't know how that came out. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Please keep me anonymous.

I have a Rosie's Mysteries, Mysteries, Mysteries. Yes. Bring it on. Eh, well, I never knew that. A few years ago, I was recently out of a long-term bad relationship. Enjoying my newfound freedom, I started casually seeing the guy who we will call Rick. Ooh, nice. As far as the fake names go, I've never had a casually seeing the guy who we will call Rick. Ooh, nice.

As far as the fake names go, I've never had a Rick before. Very good. I like Rick. Rick the Dick. We were both newly single but feeling a bit lonely, so we agreed to hang out and keep things casual. He was a handsome, long-haired, moustached hipster dude with lots of quirks and niche interests. The type that are quite enticing when you first meet someone but soon grow icky when you lose attention i've met a few of them i've met a few of them when you think oh they're quite cool and then you go out with them a few times and you go oh they're really fucking weird

um on our typical evenings would consist of a delicious meal which always included ingredients i've never heard of sorry what a review. What's it starting up? What's this? A fucking Weight Watchers advert? What do you mean? I think she's going around Rick's and he's like, I'm just making my curry. This is the Garam and Masala.

Put some star of a niece in here. Yeah, yeah. You just go, Steve's so a jar Rick. You know, I remember the Weight Watchers advert from back in the day. I think it might have been Slim Fast.

All you do is shake in the morning, shake at lunch and then eat in a delicious evening meal. That's literally, it literally sounded

like she was advertising slim fast. Our evenings would consist of delicious You've got slim fast on the brain, ye, Mr. I don't eat anymore. Do you know what it is?

I used to watch the slim fast adverts and look at their milkshakes and think, fucking looks amazing. You love a milkshake. I love milkshakes. No, it's just saying

our typical evenings would consist of a delicious meal which always included ingredients I'd never heard of I love that he's getting slagged off but he's fucking

cooking every night and he's still getting he's still still getting the ache and he's still getting slagged off yeah true you cannot fucking win

with some people I would be buzzing if you cooked for me yeah anyway interesting conversations a few glasses of wine and of course

a cheeky shag woo woo sounds like good yeah sounds like sounds alright sounds decent in the build up to said shag he Woo woo. Sounds like good. Yeah, sounds like... Sounds alright. Sounds decent. In the build up to said shag,

he decided to show me some fragrance samples from a company he had recently discovered. Each scent was named after a British animal and was listed with a set of characteristics rather than a description of the smell. For example, the badger is a cheeky fragrance that is strong in character and not afraid of the dark. Oh God. Sorry, what the fuck?

Sorry, are these aftershaves? Yeah. So they have the meal, they have the wine, and then he goes, look at this. Smell these aftershaves. Advent calendar of animal aftershaves I've got. Yeah. She said, so it's like the badger and some pretentious bollocks like that. Sorry and all that.

I can't imagine Johnny Depp doing the advert for Badger. Read again. What is it? Badger. Cheeky fragrance. That is strong in character and not afraid of the dark. Just imagine the Sauvage advert. He's just fucking playing his guitar.

He's playing his guitar in the desert and there's wolves. Cheekiness. Afraid of the dark and then at the end it's a real badger noise i love it oh you smell amazing what you're wearing it's badger badger. Badger. Oh, it smells amazing. It smells like you might be possibly cheeky,

but definitely not afraid of the dark. That's right, love. It's badger. It's awful, isn't it? I'm going to have to Google it after this to find out who it is. I'm wearing the order twilight and the deodorant. This has really tickled Grace badger

oh god it goes in a black and white bottle are you okay I don't know I never know what's going to make you laugh

do you want to hear the rest I don't know I actually you want to hear the rest? I actually just want to know more about these. I will find out about it. When we have a little minute, I'll find out about them. Rick had a collection of about seven sample bottles of these fragrances as he was determined to find his smell. I've been experimenting.

Yeah, this is a badger. This is a vole. This is a little tiny one, smaller one here. This is field mouse. What about fox? This one makes no sound at all when you spray it. Do you hear that? What is it?

That's owl. I've just got seven from the British Woodland Collection. I've just got seven from the British Woodland Collection. God, yeah, this is a grey squirrel. There you go. Big one, that. This is rare, this one. This one's red squirrel.

We've lost Chris. Are you okay? Sent away from the magazine. I'm going to have a stort and a weasel. They've all been calling you owl. Owl? Uh-huh. Why?

They've all been calling you. Online. Why? Eh? Why? Just, I don't know. They've all been saying it. Ah.

Okay, I get it. You're trying to guess to see who. Tosser. Tried and failed. Right, so he's got seven samples to determine to find his smell. He gave each bottle a sniff and then passed them to me He insisted I smell them all as he read the descriptions to me

and asked me to give my verdict Finally there was one bottle left He opened it, smelt it and instantly closed it and put it behind him How strange I thought I asked him if I could smell it but he insisted it wasn't one of the good ones How bad could it be?

What if this one is his smell? Rick was suddenly being very cagey about it and started gathering up the other bottles, parties over. I found this odd and amusing, so I kept asking to smell it. I could tell he was trying to play it off, as if it was just an unpleasant sample, but his behaviour was telling me there was something more to this. My curiosity got the best of me, so I kept persuading him to let me smell it. After a few minutes, he gave in and handed me the small bottle. After a quick sniff, I instantly regretted my decision.

To my horror, the small bottle smelled like... Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. And what is it? So it's in the Animal Farm Animals of Foddingwood collection. Yeah. And it's he smelled all the others so it's definitely

in the collection. No I didn't say that. I just said he had a little bottle. My brain's immediately going to jizz. It's immediately going to jizz. Of course It's immediately going to jizz.

Of course it is. Just because it's a little bottle. So you wouldn't put piss or vomit or something in it because they come in larger quantities. Right. I'm going to go with jizz. Yeah. Okay.

You're wrong. Oh. Been off or off. To my horror, the small bottle smelled like... Fanny. Old, manky, sample tube Fanny. been off or off to my horror the small bottle smelled like fanny old monkey sample tube fanny

we locked eyes both sets stricken with fear horror guilt and shame I gave it back and made some kind of joke to break the silence I left shortly after

never to see him again been wondering about it ever since had the previous lockdown driven me crazy had my mind been warped by the isolation making me jump to pervy assumptions about people? But no, it was unmistakable.

Rick had a tube of his ex's fanny juice. People are fucked. Why did he have this in the first place? And why is he mixing it in with the bloody animal farm set? I mean, come on. Why did he still have it post- up and most importantly

why the fuck did I sit through the smell test of pretentious perfume anyway I guess we'll never know anonymous oh

I've got a I've got a theory though that he I don't think he's collected that I think someone's given him that you think someone's

given him that yeah I think someone's given him it as a present I think he's got I think he's had them scents out and he's done the same trick.

He probably does it with all his women he meets. Can I finish my theory? Sorry, yes. So I think he's done that. He made the last smell them all and then I think she's gone away and went,

you know what, you can add to your collection this from Mother Jenna. Right, so he's already smelled it but then he's forgot that it's there. No, I think he's kept it. Rick's a perv. Right, okay.

But he knows it's there. So my point is he wouldn't have sniffed it and then been's forgot that it's there no he's kept it right okay but he knows it's there so my point is he wouldn't have sniffed it and then been so cagey he'd have went

oh god I think this one's gone off or something like that and that would have that would have hid it

but he realised and he didn't hide it well yeah wow fucking hell eau de fanny juice eau de fanny juice

eau de fanny what two seconds blero blero blero Two seconds Libre Libre Badger in French Oh for God's sake Stop with the badger man

Libre You're going to try and buy this some way You are cheeky But you are not afraid of the dark Stop Libre Porfum Porfum I'm sorry You are cheeky, but you are not afraid of the dark. Stop. Libraro, por fam. Por fam.

Por fam, sorry, not por fam. That's for your family, isn't it? Por fam. Libraro, por fam. Oh, God. It's not funny, Chris. Stop. I can't get enough of this. Ba-ba-doo, ba-ba-doo, ba-ba-doo, ba.

Ooh,ingy gossip from the swinging society. Oh, we've got swingers stuff. Just since we've been talking about swingers, we've had loads of stuff. Right. From swingers.

Very interesting. And also, I've had loads of Instagram reels things of swingers. Really? Because they're always listening. Yeah. And I'm like,

I'm invested. Do we believe it may be time for a new jingle? Oh, I'm like, but I'm invested. Do we believe it may be time for a new jingle? Oh, I can't do one on the fly. I can. Okay. Swing low, sweet chariot,

coming for the book, your lass. My lad. Swing low, sweet chariot, coming for the book your lats. Absolutely great. Write that down, we'll remember that.

Hi, Rosie and Chris. I'm not fussed about it if you keep being anonymous or not. Let's just keep them anonymous. Well, we always do. Sounds like they're on the fence there. I listened to episode 230 last week, and the bit where you spoke about swingers made me remember when me and my husband went to a sex club for the first time last July. Good grief.

We've been swinging for three years nearly now. So we walked into the club really nervous as it was our first time in a club. We are a quite attractive couple apparently in the scene. Oh God. That to me says that everyone's rank. Yeah, it's low. Yeah, it's low balling, isn't it?

Yeah, it's in the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. Never a truer phrase. So we ended up speaking to a couple at the door. Right. We didn't even get past the door. They are that lush. They didn't make it past the door before someone went,

you're the luscious tier. Booking you the night. We were talking to them all night as they made us feel calm and chilled, which is nice. Okay. You are supposed to mingle, but hey, hindsight is great. And one thing led to another, and we ended up in a playroom together and stuff started happening.

Wink, wink. We are, in massive capital letters, full swap couple. So swap partners in the room and it all of a sudden got awkward. What's happening? A full swap couple?

So the go, you have her, I have him. Yes. Rather than like just somebody joining with us or whatever. I've just had a weird thought there.

There's loads of rules in swinging. Oh, unbelievable, man. The fucking admin that goes in all this shit. Couldn't be arsed. I've just had a really thought there just as you said it there's loads of rules in sweden oh unbelievable man the fucking admin that goes in all this shit couldn't be arsed um i've just had a really weird thought right now i don't know if anyone else can did you ever have that thing so they've walked in and the first couple on the door they spoke to and they've ended up tracking them right so obviously when i was a kid i used to have to make loads of friends on holiday and i always had this weird theory that you're like i would i don't i don't want to sound like a dickhead here but i would

make friends with someone on the first day yes and i'd be like right yeah we're mates and then three or four days in i would meet someone else and i think oh my god you're like so much a better friend than these other ones yeah but you have to stay faithful can you imagine that and so in the swingers club i mean my rule would be don't book the people who you met right away. Have a walk around first. Oh, yeah. Try before you buy. Do you know what I mean?

That's like going up to a buffet, and there's six tables at the buffet, but going up to the first one and going, oh, great, ribs and noodles, and piling your plate high, and then walking back to your table and seeing sushi and pizza and curry and all kinds. Yeah. Just a theory.

Yeah. Just a theory. And the thing is with sex as well, it's not like one of them things that your buffy can go back up for more but you can't really do it again can you i don't think so unless you don't know i mean i'm sure i'm sure these dirty perverts can't carry on so they're a full swap couple they're in the room they're starting to go for it right it all of a sudden got awkward when he couldn't get it up with me after going down on me this could be a rosie's

mysteries jesus christ do you want to to guess it? This is a stranger. This is a stranger. So the woman who's talking now, her husband's having his end of the way with this person's wife. With his first wife. And she's with him. So can you guess why you couldn't get it up?

I mean, I don't want to go... No, I'm not even going to guess because I'm just going to say something awful. But trust us. I've got something in my head. Okay. If it's that, you have to trust us that I'm telling the truth. I do, because that's what we do. That's what we do.

All right, okay. So he couldn't get it with me after going down on me because his cousin barged in the room as she had heard his voice. They both had no idea that either was a swinger and he ran out of the room bright red with his wife and we never saw them again right

full disclosure that's not what I had in my head right okay what did you have in your head a bit of toilet paper and a fanny oh right okay

Jesus Christ that's something you can only carry on with a loved one isn't it yeah yeah yeah not with a stranger

not with a stranger me and my husband laugh about Yeah. Yeah. Not with a stranger. Me and my husband laugh about this all the time. Oh, God. Do you know what it is? Good on people for going swinging. Like, you know, if that's what floats your boat, I'm not judging.

I personally couldn't think of anything worse, but... Once again, do whatever you want. It is a free world. Whatever makes you happy, as long as everyone's consensual and all that.

But I do reserve the right to take the piss out of you for anything that you do. And that. But, I do reserve the right to take the piss out of you for anything that you do and that's one of the things I'm going to take the piss out of you for. But do you know what's funny? Here's something, right?

Here, this, I've just thought of this off the top of my head. Oh, don't pick it up, it might be shit. It probably is. You know how we can get up

on stage and be absolutely fine and people go, I don't know how you can do that. Oh yeah, yeah. It might be similar to that. So I, I don't know how people

can go to a club and whilst they're with their partner have sex with somebody else, but that's just me because I'm just like that. In my little vanilla little world, I can't get into that. But people look at us up on stage and go, how do you do that?

It's a similar thing, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just whatever. Float your boat. Yeah. Yes. What? Well, just just you know

I've done gigs with my cousins in the room loads of the times they never put me off so I'm probably better than this person right

my cousins I just keep going jokes ew not sex stop babadoo babadoo babadoo

thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Mountain Oid which is part of the ACAS creator network in one breath yes did you do it in one breath fantastic thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Mountain Oid, which is part of the ACAS Creator Network in one breath. Yes, I did do it in one breath.

Fantastic. Thank you so much for listening. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it's shagmountainoid at gmail.com. I think the voting for TV Choice Awards is still open. We're still banging on about that. It might still be open. I'm not sure.

Google TV Choice, vote for us. If not, don't worry about it. We're asking you to vote for so many things. We really do appreciate when you do. If you haven't got the time, fucking don't worry about it. Live your life. But for so many things we really do appreciate what you do if you haven't got the time fucking don't worry about it live your life but if you fancy coming to see me live

on the tour shagmaranoid.com tickets still available for a few of the venues not many of them it's going to be okay we can say that now we've done a warm up

it's going to be more than okay thank you very much no it's going to be possible genuinely genuinely I wish first run throughs of stand up shows

went as well as that went last night. And as well, the tickets are only 30-odd quid. We've kept them cheap. I think they're less than that. About 32, I think, once you add the fees on and that. All that shit. Yeah. But we wanted to keep it affordable.

Absolutely. So we'd love to see you there. They're my best nights out. They're my absolute best nights out. It's going to be great. Mate, think of the Lions. The Lions. Oh, my God.

The Lions and Diggers and Bears. The wine. No. Nate, think of the lions. The lions. Oh, my God. The lions and tigers and bears. The wine. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye..-MD-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20-20 the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece,

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