Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 241. Air Biscuit

Episode Date: October 27, 2023

This week on the podcast, Chris and Rosie are preparing themselves for Robin’s birthday party - and in the process, Rosie has found something very interesting for sale on the internet… Chris reveals a milk story from his past and there are lollipop and bruise related beefs. QFTPs include a brilliant nickname and more milk-related trauma. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. Only in theatres Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Unannoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and him, Christopher Ramsey. Hello, I'm him, that's me, I'm him, I am he. How goes it?

Me, hi, I'm the problem, it's, I'm the problem, it's me. What the hell's that? It's a Taylor Swift song. Ah, okay. Not gonna diss, can't diss Taylor. Absolute powerhouse. Absolute powerhouse. Oh, unbelievable. I watched that documentary the other day. Brilliant. You've got a lot of time in your hands to watch documentaries these days. While I'm on the treadmill.

You're watching a lot of things going on. While I'm on the treadmill how dare you. Just love to have that kind of time

in my hands. Love to have that kind of time. Oh is this the way we're going is it? I was going to be nice to you today. What?

No. Why? The people don't want that. Why do you have a lifetime? Literally thousands of people there to

collect. Oh no they're going to be nice to each other. Ew. I still regularly think about that tweet that we got saying, why do you just have a beef section? Why don't you just have a section

where you say what you like about each other each week? Oh, I know. Fuck. Fucking shut up. That's why. Clearly he's never been married. Shut up.

That's why. Do you know, I say loads of things recently, you know, when they're like, you know, when people, and they're like,

why do people say when they get married the stuff goes downhill, blah, blah, blah, because it does I don't think it goes downhill it does no I don't I genuinely don't believe

it goes downhill I just believe that shit gets real and you're living with someone and you're in someone's you know you're with each other all the time

you almost become one person yeah same tiddle after life horrible same tiddle after life yeah awful so it's like yeah I just think the sort of cracks yeah same tiddle half a life horrible same tiddle half a life yeah awful

so it's like yeah I just think the sort of cracks begin to it's an institution yeah what I'm joking it's just intense

marriage is an institution that's what people say it is it's intense but that's fine I just yeah I think you know there's loads of good bits of like having you know

knowing that someone's got your back and having like someone you know having someone getting a cuddle whenever you want yes that is true. Et cetera.

But yeah, I think you just start to see, you see behind the curtain a bit, don't you? More than even if you are just someone. But I also think, sorry, cut in. No, that happens as well. You get cut off a lot in marriage. It's fine. I also think it's just got a lot to do with,

you think it is marriage, but actually it's just getting older and responsibilities. I've just been having a little whinge because I just feel like I just can't handle responsibility anymore. I'm paraphrasing, but I do believe somewhere along the lines, the exact quote was, why am I always so tired and so sad?

Was what you bellowed into the air just before starting our comedy podcast. It's, you know, again, I've said it before, as far as pep talks go you know don't ever don't ever manage a football team in the Super Bowl

because the timeout would be fucking wasted on you why why are we shit come on Snoop Dogg's doing half time

be good everyone be better I just I'm just no I'm just I've got a lovely life I genuinely have I wouldn't change it

for the world but sometimes I'm just I'm just going to quote I'm just going to quickly quote've got a lovely life. I genuinely have. I wouldn't change it for the world, but sometimes I'm just intense. I'm going to quote, I'm going to quickly quote again something else you said just before we started. What did I say? I don't think I was supposed to have a life

where there's pressure and stress, you know, Chris. Do you know what I want? I don't think I was. Do you know what I want? No one was. I love, no, I love my life and I'm scared in case I say it out loud, it'll all disappear

because I genuinely love it and I love my job. But I just sometimes think I just it out loud it'll all disappear because I genuinely love it and I love my job. But I just sometimes think I was just meant to have a little milk round. Do you know what I mean? But the grass is always green on the other side.

That'll be so fucking stressful. I couldn't think of anything worse than a milk round. It's actually really late at night as well, isn't it? Well, basically, it's so early in the morning it's technically late at night.

Okay, take that back because I do like sleep. What would be my perfect job? That's not much pressure. Sloth in a zoo. You'd be a sloth in a zoo. That's not a job. That's just a thing.

Well, that's the only thing I can imagine you being, just hanging from the... You wouldn't even hang from the branch, because you couldn't be arsed. You'd be the only sloth that just sits on the ground in the corner, just looking at people, just sitting there. I would say...

Scratching your arse with your big claw arm. Well, I would say it, because I've your big claw arm well I would say because I would I've always wanted to work like in a supermarket on the till you know how you just sat and beaten stuff through which I think looks

really lovely and therapeutic but then what would happen now because you'd get that job and you go this is my job and then they go Rosie

can you come and do this and you go nah didn't sign up for that and then there'd be loads of other shit to do and I'd be like this has actually

turned out more stressful than that other job I had it's stressful so I just think well maybe I'm just a bit stressed. Shout out to all tail workers, slow the fuck down, will you? Because it's stressful

how fast you hoi the fucking shit down the thing. They are good, like. Speaking of milk rounds, one, just to go back to the milk round thing, it would be extremely fucking stressful because every five minutes someone's telling you why milk's shit and you shouldn't be having it.

So you're going to have to go and get the oat milk now on your round and then you've got to put the other milk on your round and then someone's gate might be locked or your van might break down. Anyway, it's so early that it's actually the middle of the night. Did I ever tell you the time when I was about, must have been 18, coming back from Down Shields

on a night out. I was walking home, went through a phase of walking home because A, we didn't like paying for taxis and B, we didn't like queuing. I always walked home. Yeah, yeah. So me and other lads walked home. We saw some lads from school who had a milk round.

Shut up. So they had a milk round and they were like, oh, they were going past us. Obviously, we were coming in. They were just going out on the little milk van and that. And stopped and said hello and stuff and, you know, had a bit of crack on it. Give you a bottle of milk?

Bottle of milk, lined the stomach. Nice. Woke up the next morning, went out on my drive. Me little black Renault Clio was fucking covered in milk. They milked me car. What? Poured milk all over me and I had to get up,

hung over, hung over on a sunny day and wash fucking milk off me car. Probably, yeah. Honestly. Were they your friends? No, they were like acquaintances. We sort of saw them

and it was like, oh, you alright? Milked your car? You've never told us that before? Yeah, I completely forgot about it until you said it just there. Oh, no. Milked me black Renault Clio. It was like, oh, you're right. It was like so. Milked your car? Milked my fucking car. You've never told us that before? Yeah, I completely forgot about it until you said it just there. Oh, no. Milked me black Renault Clio.

It was grey, Rosie. It was grey and it was sun, sunny. My dad, I remember my dad came, walked me door and went, something's happened to your car? And I came down and he went, I think someone's poured milk all over it.

And I went, oh, being the lads I saw last night. Oh, no. Hanging out me arse. I bet you said something cocky. What do you mean? I bet you were pissed and you've said something cocky. 100%. You'll have slagged off the milk round.

100%. And I'd have milked your car as well. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you'll have definitely said, I think you might have deserved that. Do what it is. Hands up and congratulations to them. They won that one. Well done. You told me nothing about your past. Oh sorry, we're gonna fall out now. Oh sorry, I've married

the man who got his car tragic what else haven't you told us the inside of the car fucking stack oh did it go in oh this is so that was one of the worst hangovers i ever had at my mom and dad's house and i told you about the other one worst one i had what happened so outside of my no no this was this was all of me own doing outside of my bedroom window at my mom and dad's house there was a roof the extension so the dining room roof yes dining room they never fucking use that roof's there and i remember being so pissed i couldn't even get the toilet so i lifted up and i was trying to get some i sat up and i was getting

some fresh air out the window when I was sick out onto the roof I think this might be in the book is it in the book yeah I had a hose stand on the roof hung over as fuck and hosed me sick off the roof

into the gutter that's grim I think we did put that in the book awful awful we've got a book you know yeah I signed one for someone the other day

and you were dead excited weren't you I read a bit of it I was like I forgot about it it was just like another lifetime ago we had to finish it

during the pandemic that was fucking intense it was intense Robin do you want to come and write a book with your mum and dad kids stay at home everyone work from home

but what if you already work from home and your children aren't normally here fucking doesn't matter you're on your own dickhead okay thank you bye

anyway hope everyone's okay there's a lot going on in the world we're not talking about it we're here to bring a little bit of laughter to your life

but obviously take your mind off everything don't ever think that we don't talk about it in our normal life because we do we talk about it a lot I think everybody is

but I don't think people need to know our opinion a lot of people on social media come out with and you go but we know that surely everybody knows

that people are aware of it no one needs no celebrity's opinion on anything in in my opinion. So, as we carry swiftly on, it is episode 241. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for being part of this little world that we have. And without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This is nothing.

Got very, very upset. I've given up on loads of my little segments, but Chris is still. You're really really doing this one. It is podcast royally. My Lukely Sponsors are podcast royally. It's in the tour.

I'm telling you right now if there was not Lukely Sponsor at the beginning of it there'd be riots. Would there? There'd be I'm telling you

there'd be marches. Put milk in your car. There'd be milk all over your car as well. There'd be milk all over your car. I think you'll find I was actually quite cool

at school when I got my car milked. You'd be complicit in getting rid of the nuclear sponsor in which case bang

milky creamy car now listen I was in the supermarket the other day they're making an appearance again at Halloween it happens and at Christmas it happens

and it needs to stop this week's sponsor is novelty shaped crumpets fucking pack it in no they're shit they're shit they're shit why

stop making a novelty shaped oh look it's a ghost fuck off give us a round crumpet oh it's a Christmas tree stop back to the factory with them

straight in the bin right okay no I enjoy a novelty shaped crumpet not as good as a normal crumpet I enjoy it why more stodgy

because there's more edge because they're trying to make a shape so there's more edge bit so you lose the best bit of the crumpet which is your um your butter swamp in the middle okay you get your butter swamp so i've been known to eat all the way around the edge of a crumb and just put the buttery swamp back in and sometimes have to jump in the shower straight after i'm that covered in butter yeah stop it i mean i quite like them no i did unicorns ones but rubbish

pointless one bit always burns horrible Horrible. Stop doing it. Awful. What is a crumpet? Oh, I don't really know. How are you? You were in the Warburton's factory. I know. I saw them being made.

I know they've got lots of air bubbles in, but I couldn't tell you how they're made. That was a good time in my life when I did them adverts for Warburton. Remember when I got to go to the factory? See? Guess what? One of the best days of my life. See?

No one on a milk round gets to go and do that. I know. I'm very lucky. I'm very lucky I'm very lucky but you know what it is your fucking privilege the privilege comes with a lot of stress

we have got a bloody tour arena tour coming up Christopher I'm a little bit stressed about it gotta leave the kids

choosing all my outfits it's a bit stressful right and then I couldn't sleep last night because Robin's birthday party's on Saturday and I've been stressing about that

I'm actually stressing more about that than I was about the tour which is mad why am I stressing Robin's birthday party's on Saturday and I've been stressing about that. I'm actually stressing more about that than I was about the tour which is mad. Why am I stressing about his birthday party? Because sometimes he

kicks off on a reason because he can be a bit of a dick. Literally this morning, longest dinner ever but so what, literally this morning he said

I'm going to make myself some orange juice. He poured himself a cup. We've got that double strength Robertson's shit.

You need to put literally a drop. You need to let it look at the water. In a half pint cup he poured himself a cup we've got that double strength robertson's shit you need to put literally a drop you need to let her look at the water yeah he put in a half pint cup he probably put a quarter of a pint of it right and then he went and put water in and i went you can't and he held the grudge for about 25 minutes during that 25 minutes he went and got a bit of a4 paper and he wrote stupid dad all over the a4 paper. Stupid dad, stupid dad, stupid dad, turned it over, big red bubble with I hate you written in the middle. So. That's weirdly though,

I think you've got to take that in like a loving way. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Whenever someone writes I hate you on a bit of paper and gives it,

I always take it as a compliment. Because I used to do stuff like that when I was little. It means he's comfortable. He's an asshole as well. Yeah. It just means he's comfortable. He's like,

he's exactly like you. He's very particular. Very particular kid. He's got all of your tricks. So the fact that, he's argued loads's like he's exactly like you he's very particular very particular kid he's got all of your tricks so the fact that he's argued loads but he's not

exactly like each other which I find mad I know so it's gonna get worse when he gets old absolutely awful that's why I'm doing BJJ just because I know he's gonna be

young and fit someday I'm gonna have to be able to stop him because he's already nearly bigger than me stop it man listen about the tour Holborn with Leeds

Manchester Nottingham Sheffield Birmingham Liverpool handful of tickets left they are the last tickets available on the tour if you with Leeds Manchester Nottingham Sheffield Birmingham Liverpool handful of tickets left they are the last tickets available on the tour if you want to come and see us starts November the 15th

up until December the 15th it's a month of tours it is they're at the back the seats we've had look they're at the back but there is two massive screens yeah

everywhere's a good seat in them places we're made sure so yeah see you there and here's a jingle and then we'll crack the fuck on with this shit. We had a fight about the jingle.

We couldn't settle on a jingle. So this is the jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Maridanoid. Lovely to have you back. It is. It really is. It really is. Something interesting, Chris. Whilst I was scrolling last night on my phone, couldn't sleep. Doom scrolling.

I wasn't doom scrolling. I was buying stuff for Robin's birthday party. So just to let everyone behind the curtain here and explain this a bit, I woke up. So I'm in Robin's, we do swaps so last night I was in Robin's bed with Robin and you were in our bed with Rafe and the rule normally is if you have a really sort of interrupted sleep and Rafe wakes up at 5

half 5, you hold him off until about 6 then you send him through to us because I've had a nice sleep and I'll get up with Robin and him and I'll take them both downstairs Robin for some unbelievable reason this morning woke up at half five for no reason whatsoever no idea um i think it's because he hates us and i'm stupid um if you don't believe us check the bit paper in the bin um and um i woke up and i had i looked at my phone and i had three texts off you from the middle of the night and I was like,

what the hell's happened here? And actually, I can, I'll just, let's just, I'm just going to read, I'm just going to read the texts that I had.

So I woke up at half five, checked my phone and they said, it was, it said today, zero 13, zero zero 13 hours. It's gone midnight

and I'm still awake. My brain won't switch off. I could cry. Next one. I think the Panadol i bought has caffeine in it fml crying faces next one it's 105 that one was just telling us the time that one just hey what it is i'm doing that thing when you swipe to the right it was 105 it was 105. It was 105. At 105, your text has seen it's 105. Oh, Christian, I was so, so frustrated. It's 105. I was so annoyed. But I did do something interesting.

So I was on Amazon. I was buying pot. This is me scrolling. This is me scrolling. Okay, okay. And I was buying stuff for Robin's birthday. I bought, he's having a gaming, right, this is ridiculous. He's having a gaming theme party, right?

He's having a bouncy castle. And we're just going to do games and dancing and stuff because he's turning eight and I think it's ridiculous when people do mad shit right because every party

I go to do you know what the kids want to do run around and kick balloons run around and kick balloons that's all they want to do do you know what they're just going to

run around and kick balloons and go on the bouncy castle anyway I'm already I'm already doing a bit of breath training for how many balloons I'm going to have to

blow up on Saturday I bought a little pump thing shite utter shit are they yeah i'm doing right well maybe do them before saturday and maybe do them on the friday what and take a car full of do you have any no oh do how big like a boot of balloons is probably only about eight or nine balloons nah loads more than that man i'm not i'm not going in like i look like a fucking all right anyway i've bought so he's having a gaming theme birthday yeah um it's all playstation xbox even though he has neither just just i think i've got both he has neither well i think i think with kids

now i think it's like a genre yeah i know what you mean do you know what i mean because he's not into football he's got gaming pajamas yeah it's like a thing now isn't it it's like a genre yeah I know what you mean do you know what I mean because he's not into football he's got game in pajamas yeah it's like a thing now isn't it it's like a thing so anyway I didn't tell you this I've ordered because I've gotten balloons and stuff and then I've ordered two big cutouts of like there's one of them's like an arcade game and the other one's like power up with a thing right and anyway I was like four o'clock in the morning last night I'm not even joking oh god oh no this no, this one's midnight, 2359. I'm lying. I was going through loads of cutouts, like celebrity stuff.

And I was like, because I wrote in gay men and there was loads of celebrities, like cutouts. And for a laugh, I wrote in, I wrote in Chris Ramsey, there's a cutout of you.

What? There's a life-size cutout of you. And it says, Chris Ramsey, brown shoes, life-size cutout. And it's not a great picture but yeah that's it

it's just give me that where's that from give me that where's that from why why would anyone buy that Chris do you know

how much it is how much 44 quid and I'm not seeing any of that no and that's my fucking image

I know I nearly got it as a joke but then I thought that's so weird why's the two of them I don't know I think I don't know anyway I nearly got it as a joke but then I thought that's so weird why is the two of them I don't know I think

I don't know anyway I nearly got it as a joke but I think it's quite an expensive joke and I think Robin would be like why is there a cut out of me dad why does me face look

it's a horrendous picture that's such a bad photo it's not a good picture when have I been wearing that that's dreadful where is that where were you for that I don't know where that is

that's horrible oh my god anyway you look anemic you look a bit ill if I don't know where that is. That's horrible. Oh my God. Anyway, you look anemic. You look a bit ill, if I'm honest. Thank you. That's not a good picture. That's a dick. You've got to put...

So on Friday when this comes out, post that photo. I will. 44 quid. I was about... I checked for me. There's not one of me. Well, yeah, but I've just said there.

I was like, and I'm not seeing any of that. The person who made that isn't seeing any of that because no one has bought a Chris Ramsey cutout. No, I mean... Don't waste your money on Chris Ramsey cutouts. Hey for 44 quid i'll come around i'll come around plus travel accommodation how you dinner in i'll come around what he wants to do i'll definitely stand still well not proper still depends on your sandwiches yeah yeah that's ridiculous you're saying if you've got a dog i'm not i'm not ignoring a dog and standing still it's not

happening i'll ignore your kids i'm not ignoring your dog but are you not quite's not happening. I'll ignore your kids. I'm not ignoring your dog. But are you not quite sure for that? I think that's quite an achievement. No, it's fucking rubbish. You've seen the state of it. It's terrible. It's the worst photo ever. Right, that's it.

I'm going to do my own. You should sell them. Merch. Do that as your merch. Terrible. But anyway, and then I bought loads of, I bought some,

panic bought some party stuff last night. Sorry, I'm just looking at it again there. It's Chris Ramsey cutout brown shoes. I love the idea that someone's going, right, we need a Chris Ramsey at it again there. It's Chris Ramsey cut out brown shoes. I love the idea that someone's going, right, we need a Chris Ramsey cut out.

Fucking hell, they've only got one with brown shoes on. Right, we're not getting that. I'm not having a brown shoes one. Fuck that. I hate them brown shoes. Should I have bought it as a joke? No.

Okay. Don't give them people any money. No, all right then. Fair enough. Tampa proof evidence bags. Why is that coming up on me? What? Probably because of all the fucking true crime you're listening to. Wow. Tampa proof evidence bags. Why is that coming up on me? What? Probably because of all the fucking true crime you're listening to.

Wow. Tampa proof evidence. The stuff your phone hears. Oh, God. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. I was walking around the house the other day after you left with our children. Can't remember where you went, but thank you again.

You're welcome. Wherever it was, I really appreciate the time on my own. Just a question for everyone out there in the world and see if you agree with this rosie does anyone else's children get changed like a couple having sex in a 90s movie just clothes just a trail of fucking clothes i can literally go in like a detective and go okay so he was watching the telly then he started getting ready and he walked through the kitchen and he went for a piss because there's something down there yeah and then he went oh then he put his clothes on and then he fucked off yeah and there's a glove on the drive so he went and he walked across the drive in the car it's

madness it's so true and that's just the one kid who gets changed you know the 90s family movie where the person over the 90s movie or the comedy where the person comes in and honey I'm home sees loads of clothes and then realises she's cheating on him or kind of you know what I mean that kind of

it's that yeah yeah when do they start tidying up after themselves when does that happen I don't know does it ever happen is it our fault

should we be doing more when we ask Rave's alright with it but when we ask Robin to put like an ice pop wrapper in the bin it's like we've asked him to walk

to Spain. Yeah. Yeah. But it was quite easy going though, isn't it? Rafe's like, yes, Robin's never been easy going.

Oh, we're slagging Robin off this episode. I don't want to waste his name, brother. He's a little, just a, he's an early teenager. He's a seven year old teenager.

He really is. I was playing Hot Wheels with Rafe today and you hand him the car like that and he handed me a car and I went, thank you and he went, you're welcome. And I'm like,

oh, you are just a little delish. Can he, isn't he? Yeah, but some days you can be a dick. They can all be dicks but they're all lush and we love them and that's how they've got we're.

Yep. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. So I was there, I was on X the other day. What? Oh, is that Twitter? It's pathetic, isn't it? Are people actually calling it X?

No, no, I did that to see if you would catch on um everything every single thing i say about it it's like x formerly twitter um well i don't have it anymore i don't so i've got it but i don't have the it's just the thing on my phone yeah but i get emails from them and every time i get an email i swear to god i think it's from x factor i do this is your moment finally this is not, I'm just like, what? Finally. Finally, this is my moment. So, I got a message of some, well,

a mention, an at, I don't know what, an ex. Oh no, don't tell, will it upset us? I got an ex,

no, no. I forgot to take your name down, so, sorry, but it's really good actually, so someone sent us this, so they said,

there's a question doing the rounds on TikTok at the moment, and I would absolutely love to hear what Chris and Rosie's answer would be. Okay. So it's one of these things that's going on. What's about the Victorian times or something? Nope.

Good guess though. Okay. Close. Actually no, you're miles away. You have 20 minutes to hide a paper clip before the FBI

come to your house looking for it. Where are you putting it? Oh shit. Oh shit. It's good, isn't it? Up my arse. looking for it where are you putting it oh shit oh shit it's got that in it up me arse up me bum

right I do believe they're going to search up your bum why would they straight away they're looking for it straight up immediately

they look at you they go she looks like she's got something up her arse right okay right oh where would you put it

you've had longer to think about it than me so I've got a few thoughts in the butter in the butter would you put it you've had longer to think about it than me so I've got a few thoughts in the butter in the butter I'd put it in the butter that's not a bad shout I would put it

straighten it out and push it into the butter that's a really really good one inside and then I would sink it over the top that's a really really good one yeah really good

I'd probably unscrew like a curtain pole no like a curtain pole oh they're looking there man or even like a a nail or whatever in, like a curtain pole. Ah, they'd look in the air, man. Or even like a nail or whatever. In fact, you know what it is?

No, okay then, right? Well, I would just take a picture off the wall and a hole that I've made, I'd pull the screw out and I would just pop it in so it falls down the wall cavity and I would just put the picture back there. Ah, nice, okay.

And I'd go, what can I do? Or I'd buy, I'd quickly nip out, I've got 20 minutes, I'd quickly nip out and I'd buy as many paper clips as I could and I'd put nip out I've got 20 minutes I'd quickly nip out and I'd buy as many paper clips as I could and I'd put them

everywhere all over the house all over the house and then they go I found it I go is that the one you're looking for and they know you're out

in them 20 minutes because there's cameras everywhere you get caught yeah but it doesn't say it doesn't say I can't go out so I just go out I've won with the butter

so just give it oh is that what this is okay you think you've won with the butter I think I've won with the butter okay well as soon as they come round

I'm literally gonna go who wants a okay you think you've won with the butter I think I've won with the butter I think that's a good answer well as soon as they come round I'm literally going to go who wants a novelty crumpet guys straight in the butt grass you right up take her away lads there it is do you know where in what world

I mean you're wasting your time there's a lot going on in the world I don't know why you're here looking for a paperclip but listen don't know what she's done but take her away I wonder what it is

my mind is spiralling right now what's happened with that paperclip it's not real. We are... If you want something good to watch, by the way, and you like things that are a bit hard to watch, then we are watching on Netflix bodies. Sorry, that's the...

What? This is why I lead with all the ads we do. If you want something to watch and you like stuff that's hard to watch... Like, it doesn't give anything away. We're really good... I'm really good at guessing stuff, but I can't guess this one.

Okay, so you want something that's a bit of a sort of a mystery. Thinker. Right, a thinker. Yeah. Not hard to watch. Because I'm not being funny. There's been some stuff over the years.

I said to you, why have they made this? What a waste of money. What a waste of money because I've watched it and I think I'm guessing everything. You don't want to guess. Yeah.

You want to watch it. There's been some twists and turns and I'm like, you don't want to guess you want to watch it there's been some twists and turns and I'm like I did not see that coming anyway it's Bodies it's called Bodies it's got Stephen Grahame in

it's just really good loving it really enjoying it yeah again it better wrap everything up at the end of the series or I'm going to be

really fucked off I don't know how many episodes it's got it says limited series oh Chris did tap out of Designate a Survivor, by the way. Yeah, it's gone.

I'm going to watch it. Yeah, of course you are. I did speak to someone, though, and they said it went a bit downhill after series two. Again. Oh, man. I don't like slagging people's art off. Everyone's out there doing their thing,

and it was very good. But it was the minute that they took away a man that the president was questioning because a car was waiting and left the president hanging. Mr. President, please calm down. I don't think, I don't know. It's like literally just running in and like, Mr. President is eating a steak and you fucking whip it away

and go, no, I've got to turn the dishwasher on. Fuck you, mate. I'm the president. Shut up. It's brilliant while it lasted. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? I've got a beef with you. You's your beef I've got a beef with you

You better believe that I've got a beef with you I've actually changed my mind About the paperclip thing Oh how are you then I'd purchase a pair of glasses And I'd hollow out the middle Dead quick

And I'd straighten it out And I'd put the paperclip through In the glasses So I'm wearing it I'm like what's all the problem everyone They'd go Mr Ramsey You've never had glasses before In your entire life

I'd say how dare you I'd say how dare you see we know that you don't need a prescription of glasses these are fake glasses you get found out for it do you watch anything

do you watch anything literally oh sorry sorry that didn't just immediately think of me arse and butter eh you fucking better believe that I would get away with murder

sicko right okay what's your would get away with murder right okay what's your beef my beef with you right at the minute is that you have started

a little trend a little favourite parent trend of buying our little boy Rafe a paw patrol

chocolate lolly every time you pick him up from nursery so now whenever I go to pick him up from nursery

the first thing he says doesn't say hello mammy doesn't say hello he goes paw patrol chuck chuck Chocolate lolly every time you pick them up from nursery. So now whenever I go to pick them up from nursery, the first thing he says, doesn't say hello, mummy. Doesn't say hello. He goes, pub troll, choc, choc, choc, lolly. And I go, this is a bad thing. Why have you done that? Why have you turned into one of them parents who buys the kids chocolate as soon as they've got one? So I've actually stopped.

So the last couple of times I've got them, I haven't got one. Well, yeah, I wish you told us, because yesterday I got them once. I couldn't be honest with you. Because you smell your weakness. You've just got to go, I've got something in the wish you told us because yesterday i got him once because you smell your weakness you've just got it you've got to go i've got something all right okay well i didn't know you'd stop but let's right good i'm glad you stopped beef beef invalid well that's all right no as long as you've stopped but yeah it's not a thing we want to get into i didn't like it at first so i just did it to make him happy i know but it's fine loves it comes in with us goes in with a smile comes out with a smile

yeah he does listen my beef with you it's pretty horrible what you did the other day we were sitting on the sofa watching bodies right had a little half hour of ourselves

during the day we thought let's have a little watch of this watch a little bit of it you saw a bruise on me hand leant over pressed it as hard

as you could and went does that hurt yeah really horrible is that what you meant to do when you see a bruise no it's fucking not And leant over, pressed it as hard as you could and went, does that hurt? Yeah. Really horrible. Is that what you're meant to do when you see a bruise? No, it's fucking not. You said it didn't hurt.

So what are you moaning about? It did hurt. I was just hiding it because I didn't want to do it again. You're a dick. It hurt loads. Oh, honestly, I'm not surprised you got your car melt. What a cheb. Fuck you.

I only did it because I knew it was from BJJ. You're covered in bruises it's disgusting listen i've got no yeah i am i said yeah i had a t-shirt on the other day and i lifted my arms and all the back of my arms was bruised literally like you've joined fight club really weird really fucking weird fight club that was a good film on it brilliant film yeah yeah was he wasn't real, was he? Was he? Whoa! No. Spoiler alert. 25-year-old. Spoiler alert. Whoa. If you're out there waiting to watch Fight Club, yay.

Who? Don't tell them who wasn't real. Yeah, none of them are real. God, no, they were. The one rule of Fight Club is that it doesn't exist. Oh. Stupid, innit? How stupid?

What? Fight Club. You're joking. It's fucking great. It's ridiculous. Men, yous are mad. Yous are actually, like, it's odd though, innit How stupid What Fight club You're joking It's fucking great It's ridiculous Men Yous are mad Yous are actually

Like It's odd though innit What's odd Come on Well it's just sometimes When I read all the questions And I find out What you're going to get to

But I haven't actually Got one of these Just like loads of like Men who have to go And be like Dominating that In sex And be like

Spat on And shit on And stuff It's just weird One One I don't do any of that Two

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Isn't that at all And three Fight club Isn't about fighting What do you mean It's not about fighting it's just weird one one I don't do any of that two Brazilian Jiu Jitsu isn't that at all and three Fight Club isn't about fighting well what do you mean it's not about fighting it's about society

what do you mean the film is not about fighting the fight the fight is not that's not about any of it it's about society and it's about

the sort of the death of the American dream and the fact that you know the sort of the work as in society Christopher you didn't actually finish that degree in film and media the death of the American dream and the fact that, you know, the sort of, the work as in society don't have an aim. Christopher,

you didn't actually finish that degree in film and media studies. It's not about, it's not about fucking fighting. Is it not? Okay, that's, apologies because

when I watched the film I just thought it was about a club where men went to fight. I didn't think it was about the American dream. It's about the death of it and it's about sort of,

you know, capitalism about, Okay, alright, fair enough. What's the word as well it and it's about sort of, you know, capitalism about... Okay. All right. Fair enough. What's the word as well? What's the word where you... Materialistic stuff.

Right. So basically, you should make a fucking film of yourself. It's a good film. It's a really good film. Yeah. Brilliant film. One of my favourites.

Oh no. Might watch it again. Nah. Too gruesome. Meatloaf's in it. He is? He is. Dead meatloaf, isn't he?

Yeah, he is, yeah. Oh God. Goodbye to hell. He is? He is. Dad met off, didn't he? Yeah, he is, yeah. Oh, God. Get back out of hell! You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway

and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret.

It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. It's all... No, no, don't. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what?

Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday.

Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future

where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca That's sunrisechallenge.ca It's time for Questions from the public. I'm out of public, but that just threw me off. Do it again.

What? Do it again. Questions from the public. Did you like it? Fair enough, we'll keep that. I like it, actually. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it's shaggedmoudanoid at gmail.com. Hi Rosie and Chris. Hi.

I just wanted to share a story that I thought you might both find amusing. Yes, please. That's what this is for. I've listened to all the episodes, but I've never written in before. That's a long time listener. First time emailer.

Yeah. In one of the recent episodes, there was a chat about what did you believe when you were younger. The one about the person who thought sheep had different length legs on each side. So here is how I found out about mine. It was my 21st birthday party and I'd

been going out with my boyfriend for about a year but told him to bring a friend along to the party. Oh God. What? I know, it's not bad. I told him to bring a friend and his friend arrived erect.

Oh God. It's always that, isn't it? Don't stop sending them though because we absolutely love it. Yeah, we love it. So they got there early and I was introducing the friend to people

so he felt comfortable. I introduced him to my dad which is where everything came to light. The first thing my dad said to the friend was, look at this. Kerry used to think this was a butterfly when she was younger. He proceeded to lift up his top to reveal a tattoo around his belly button. My boyfriend and his friend burst out laughing as he revealed the tattoo, which was a woman's leg spread wide open and the belly button representing the obvious, in brackets, gross, I know. Fucking hell.

Little did my dad know that until that very moment, I still thought it was a butterfly. Mortified. Oh, God. I don't think I'd get on with her, Dad. No disrespect. I don't think I'd have much time for her, Dad. I just no disrespect I don't think I would I don't think I'd have much time for her dad

I just love that oh it's me boyfriend he's me boyfriend's friend alright lads right now's the time one look at me naked belly two look at this lass

three isn't me daughter an idiot and that concludes my welcome to the house party see you all later I'm here all night fucking hell if you ever got a tattoo of a woman's legs wide open

over your belly button what did he do on holiday I don't know probably loved it probably went and showed everyone oh oh he makes his own beer in the garage him doesn't he he makes his own beer in the garage him didn't he he's just i think he flicks tabs at his wife when he's when he's walking down the street and people are washing their car he goes you're

gonna do mine next yeah that's him yeah yeah i just yeah i just can imagine his wife will be sat at a party going, what's he like? What's he like? I'll tell you what he's like. When someone drops some plates in a restaurant, he's on his feet. Oh, he's clapping. Wait!

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Hiya, Rosie and BJJ guy. Thank you. Don't do that again. No, do that.

I've recently been sworn to secrecy By a friend about a story From her place of work So naturally I'm writing it in To share with you guys I love yous I love yous

Yeah of course Yeah I won't Just saying How do you spell that again Yeah no I'll not tell anyone Never I won't Won't leave my lips I think it goes without saying

But please keep me anonymous Yeah yeah yeah A friend of mine Works in the dairy farm Inspection industry Okay Didn't know that was a thing Long bells are ringing Yeah I think it goes without saying, but please keep me anonymous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A friend of mine works in the dairy farm inspection industry. Okay. Didn't know that was a thing. Lawn dolls are ringing.

Yeah. And shared some office gossip with me that I think I still haven't fully digested. Dairy farm. You like milk, don't you? Yeah. Yeah? Oh, well. Hey.

You like milk. We were chatting. I'm rosy as my husband. He likes milk. We were chatting. I'm rosy. It's my husband. He likes milk. They must have knew you liked milk. That's why you got your car milked. Still can't get over that.

Honestly. Ick. I was the victim. Ick. Exactly. I'm going to ring up that lad with that tattoo I just need a man in my life because I've recently discovered that my husband

got his car milked when he was 18 hey sorry ma'am I shouldn't joke about toxic masculinity should I we're joking

we're clearly joking I know well but people some people can't take a joke Chris so hey listen they shouldn't be listening I know we were chatting

about her recent work trip for a conference when she told me that her boss had had to make an early exit from the conference due to a work related emergency

right so bells are ringing here okay to cut a long story short to cut a long story short

a member of staff at one of the dairy farms they inspected had been found to be creating adult content at work dirty perv of staff at one of the dairy farms they inspected had been found to be creating adult content at work.

Dirty perv! Better have been on their own, they better not have been fiddling any cows or I'm going to hit the fucking roofie I like. As if I would read about fiddling cows. Okay. There's no bestiality on this show. Okay. It's fucking disgusting. Now, if you're not familiar with how

the modern cow is milked, I'll give you a quick idea. Cows on large dairy farms are milked by automatic milking machines. Someone's put their dick in it! Which are essentially suction tubes which attach to the cows' udders and suck the milk out. I think you may be able to guess where this is going.

A member of staff at one particular dairy farm had been found out to have an OnlyFans page which exclusively featured videos of him in the workplace using said suction tubes to pleasure himself. That is vile. As if this wasn't unsanitary enough, the video showed him also finishing into the tubes. Please no. Which transport the milk, and in this case the dirty bastard spunk into a large container

which ultimately, after several procedures, end up in a poor, unknowing person's fridge. Still like milk? I'm flabby-casted. I'm actually flabby-casted. It's safe to say I haven't enjoyed a bowl of cereal in the same way since hearing this story, for fear of what my milk may be seasoned with. I feel ill.

Isn't that awful? Oh, God. Isn't that bad? Nothing, God. Isn't that bad? Nothing's safe anymore, you know? Oh, God. I mean, you got found out pretty quick, so, you know, we're safe. He'll have been fired, I'm guessing, but why do men just want to stick their dicks in everything? It's a good question.

Why? It's a good question. Do you think he's got that job deliberately thinking I'm going to make a fan page, or do you think he's just sat there watching going, look at that. I feel like it was a long time coming. I feel like he's thought, had on. As a man with a penis though, right?

The two things you've nailed about me in this section, I like milk and I'm a man with a penis. Are you not scared to put it in things? Absolutely, that's why I don't put it in stuff. So why has he not thought, is this going to hurt? Because not everyone is as cautious as me. Right. I mean,

come on. Every fucking hospital story we get on here is someone putting stuff up their arse and also they'll just put their knobs in stuff. Like, but I would be terrified. One, one, why has he decided to just hoist knob in it?

Two, at what point, how many times did he hoist knobbing it before he then thought I need to film this yeah and I mean god sometimes you're worrying

if your milk's bloody is that actually semi-skimmed because it feels a bit thicker oh my god I know I know do you remember years ago when we were younger

and people were talking about like spunking fast food restaurants and that I was spunking something I was spunking something it's been around for a while listen right

and this is one of Ramsey's facts of the world listen up kids as long it's always spunk it's always spunk in something it's been around for a while listen right and this is one of Ramsey's facts of the world listen up kids as long as there is spunk being made by perverts there'll always be spunk in something

yeah there will thanks for coming to me TED talk what are you calling your TED talk spunk is everywhere I'd always blame the tiddlers

it's always a tiddler it's always a tiddler always a man with a tiddler always a man with a tiddler straight away it's a udder it's a milk udder milking device.

I knew no one was putting their tits in it. Straight away. Who's going to put their, no woman is going to put her tits in anything. Straight away, I knew it was,

immediately, everyone listening, tell the truth, you all went, dick, blow to the dick. Yeah, of course, of course it is.

Some of you will have caught it quicker than me. Unbelievable. Just honestly, chop it off. I'd be fucking gutted if there was spunk in my cup of tea

I don't think I'd come back from that no I know no I'm I think you got caught pretty quick I'd know as well I mean I'm sure

it gets cleaned and everything and treated I'm sure they got it out to be fair but still it's disgusting I mean you're drinking milk from a cow so

yeah but I'm not drinking it's fucking spunk am I well maybe a bit of spunk in there who knows nope it's a woman isn't it yeah fair enough idiot shut up yeah but I'm not drinking a fucking spunk am I well Jesus might be a bit of spunk in there who knows nope

female cows it's a woman isn't it yeah who knows idiot shut up babadoo babadoo babadoo bah

have you ever felt like a slag me when you were single you had a bit of a you had a bit of a ramp in time I think before we got together didn't you yeah maybe

I felt like a slag this will make you feel a bit better I've never just said I've never felt like a slag but fair enough I feel a bit better I've never just said I've never felt like a slag I feel like you have I have let's be honest here okay

I definitely had a little slag phase okay then wasn't nice didn't really enjoy it but I did it okay alright

I agree yeah hi Rosie and Chris I've been a long time listener sorry I agree that you were a slag I meant

I don't know what you mean yeah yeah I've been a long time listener but have not emailed and feel I could use some advice from yourselves and the other listeners on whether I should act

on a match on Tinder. But first, I must give you some backstory. Please keep me anonymous. Okay. I feel a bit of pressure here, but okay. So this is whether

this guy should match with someone on Tinder, but we'll find out. You need to remember that. Okay. 20 years ago at only 30 years old I recently divorced

due to my ex-wife's infidelity. Being in a horrible place emotionally and mentally I went off the rails a little and lost myself in partying and putting it out a bit. In short. All been there mate.

Yeah. For a couple of years I was a bit of a manhole. Yeah we've all been there. That's absolutely fine. There were many drunken one night stands some I couldn't remember

and some, ashamedly, I couldn't name. Yeah. One particularly drunk night, I pulled an insanely hot 23-year-old. So drunk I could hardly stand, she, according to my friends, dragged me to a taxi and bundled me in,

informing them that she was taking me back to hers. Wow. Well, hey. Well, well, well. Having recovered a little on the taxi ride, we get out of the taxi and I have a vague notion that she was taking me back to hers. Wow. Well, hey. Well, well, well. Having recovered a little on the taxi ride, we get out of the taxi and I have a vague notion that I recognise the street. And upon entering the house,

a feeling that the hallway looks familiar. No. Although I don't have time to really take in my surroundings as she hushes me, telling me to take my shoes off and leave them in the hall and to keep the noise down so we don't wake anybody, ushering me upstairs to her room. Good grief. We get to her room. Good grief.

We get to her room and get down to business. Right. Awful. We are at it for hours. Oh, God. Horrendous. How pissed?

Is he that pissed? I mean, you can't. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes you can't when you're pissed. Oh, God. Which is where I find a good cow milking device

comes in rather. Comes in handy. Yeah. Just stop. Just stop. Stop or pretend. Yeah. which is where I find a good cow milk and device comes in rather really comes in handy yeah just stop just stop stop or pretend yeah there you go there you go

I've always been loud this is him more so when drunk but this girl is even louder oh my god oh Jesus Christ every position you could think of toys, paddles, restraints

you name it we did it all oh god I'm knackered just thinking about this she liked it rough and loud and as per her instructions very dirty regarding talk but I thought they weren't supposed to wake anyone up Name it, we did it all. Oh, God. I'm knackered just thinking about this. She liked it rough and loud. And as per her instructions, very dirty regarding talk. I thought they weren't supposed to wake anyone up.

Well... What's that room? A fucking recording studio? She didn't seem to care. She seemed determined to let the entire street know I was delivering. Jesus. And then it says, tell me I'm a dirty slut. Smack my arse. Spit on me.

Which I feel is a little intense for a first encounter, but each to their own. Just a few of the tamer phrases, well, hey, I wouldn't want to know the more extreme ones. After about two or three hours, we eventually hear some banging on the wall from the adjoining bedroom and a female voice. Two or three hours it's just awful are you having a laugh when you're having your tin of sweet corn and ham and sour and salad cream and going to bed eh like fuck's sake poor fuck i was paralytic

in the taxi on the way home i know he's pissed as a fart jesus a female voice shouting for fuck's sake girl's name here, wrap it in. It's fucking four in the morning. Shit, dot, dot, dot, we've woke mum. Of course you have. Awful. She whispered so we quietened down

and finished up shortly after. Awful. Upon waking at around 10am, her resuming, everyone had gone out for the day, she put some music on and we resumed where we left off the night before,

just as loud and just as dirty. Heavens to Betsy at midday I got dressed we kissed and said our goodbyes have either of you brushed your teeth

that's what I need to know because I like to know details and have you ate because everyone's going to stink I just can't I don't know

what the hell's going on I'm alright for morning sex with a stranger who I don't know hungover hungover yeah absolutely not

upon leaving her bedroom I passed the open door of the adjoining bedroom and to my horror saw stood there hoovering in slippers

a house coat and curlers the 48 year old milf I'd taken to mine the weekend before wow I did not see that coming did you not

no okay we made eye contact and there was a brief moment before the realisation of the situation Wow! I did not see that coming. Did you not? No! Okay. We made eye contact and there was a brief moment before the realisation of the situation registered on her face. Here was the guy she'd booked on a one night stand the week before

coming out of her daughter's room after having had loud, dirty sex all night and mourning with said daughter. That is horrible. The look of anger on her face said it all. I bolted for the stairs, running straight into the girl's 28-year-old sister who was coming out of the shower wrapped in a towel.

Another brief moment of realisation and then a look of horror slash anger from the older sister as she realised that the guy she took home and had a one-night stand with only a fortnight ago was the one keeping her sister up and entertained all night. But the fuck?

How is this the smallest village in the world? The only fucking nightclub in the hemisphere? What the Christ is going on? That's why the house seemed familiar.

I was wondering why it seemed familiar if he took the woman but oh my God. I ran so fast that I nearly fell down the stairs grabbing my shoes

I didn't even put them on before bolting through the front door. All three of them furiously even put them on before bolting through the front door. All three of them furiously shouting at each other and at me from the front door as I'm legging it down the street. This is horrendous. I've seen each on nights out since

and we usually avoid eye contact with each other. Do you think it's true? Because I think it probably is. I think that's probably happened, yeah. Yeah, 100%. Holy shit. Jesus Christ. Imagine. that's probably happened. Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent. Holy shit. Jesus Christ. Imagine.

Imagine. That's so embarrassing. Move house. I would move. I would not be going out again. What are you doing? Well, do you want to now for the dating dilemma?

Right. Who's your match with? The fucking dad. Close. A few weeks ago, I matched with someone on Tinder. We've been messaging back and forth for weeks

and are really hitting it off. It's got to be. I know it does. What matched with someone on Tinder. We've been messaging back and forth for weeks and are really hitting it off. It's got to the... What's his crack on Tinder? Please send me a photo of all of your female relatives in your fucking hallway. You're literally not far off. It's got to the ask her out on a date stage. So in preparation, I did a little internet digging

and found her profile on Facebook. It turns out she is the youngest sister of the mam and to the girls from the above story. What is happening? Should I ask her out on a date now that I know this or should I unmatch with her?

Unmatch. And Jesus, you've got to type Christ fucking hell. What do you smell like blood? I like you lasses

to all look the same. I like yous all from one family tree. Within 20 years of each other. God. Oh my God. In his defence,

I mean, yeah, I do think you should all match. I don't think Christmas is going to be very fun. That's going to go nowhere. No, but in his defence, I think he's just being a bit of a whore and not realised. And now he's not.

He's a four-man man whore and he's trying to mend his ways and he's matched with someone who he really likes on Tinder. But there is more fish in the sea. There's a lot more people. Just that. How small is their town?

What's going on? Or how big is that family? It's a bit like South Shields, I suppose, isn't it? Yeah, I suppose there is a bit of that in South Shields, but fucking crazy. Do you know what terrifies me?

Yeah? You know when our kids get older and they meet people? We might know their mums and dads. Yeah. We might have booked their mums and dads we might have booked their mums and dads that's gonna

might happen you know isn't that horrible horrible imagine imagine right if like our lads end up marrying

one of our ex's kids that's a horrible that's a horrible thought it could happen I bet that's happened has it happened anyone right in if that's happened to you right in if that's happened to you I was going to say

gmail gmail guys get gmail on shout out to gmail.com if that's happened to you I bet it has wow

shit that guy tell you what that family love his dick that is crazy they are hungry for this lad's dick

good grief must be our eat who this fella I don't know honestly if I was the they sound quite attractive the fella I don't know honestly if I was the they just sound quite attractive the women

I don't know why all I would do is I would warn the grandmother get her locked up because he's out on the phone awful

cousins dude don't Matt just get just tell her tell her tell her and watch what happens that was from a while

ago actually that email so we'll see actually let me know we're married right now oh god god you got any cousins half cousins will do yeah you got any you got any you got any friends like your call cousin but they're actually just friends of the family you know call them mom auntie and that will do for me trying to get this whole family tree sword like a panini sticker album get his whole oh god got got need that's him in the family photo album got

need need got got deceased deceased where's my shovel I'm sorry that's hot

stop oh that's disgusting why it's him not me he's a pervert he's not he didn't know I've got his bath bless him he didn't know

babadoo babadoo babadoo bath dear Chris and Rosie hope hope you're both well. I have a question about an ex of mine. Okay. Just a bit of background about the relationship. I've been known to talk in my sleep, so picture this. I was asleep and woke up and realised something was happening.

I lay there for a while and worked out what was happening. I said, suddenly in my sleep, to stop the boat, I'm feeling sick. Right. Yes, he was having a wank. They soon stopped as I kept saying it when I realised

what was happening. I don't think that has much to do with the rest of the story, but it was just... That makes zero sense. It was just there at the beginning. So she's talking

about someone else. We were living together and I worked nights and he started to go out with his workmates on a Friday. Sorry, two seconds. She said stop the boat,

I'm feeling sick because he was having a wank. Yes. That does make sense now. Okay. Sorry. Okay. We were living together and I worked nights.

And he started to go out with his workmates on a Friday. I found out that the workmate was in fact called Sheila. He obviously moved out as I wasn't happy about his Friday night shaggy Sheila. Shaggy Sheila. Shaggy Sheila. Shaggy Sheila. Being the nice person that I am, he used to come round for a haircut. Sorry.

I guess it's a very strange email. Sorry. It made us laugh because you're going to love what you call them, right? She started shagging. So, she talks in her sleep. Yes. He was once having a wank next to her in bed. And she said, stop rocking the boat, I feel sick. Because he was w sleep. Yes. He was once having a wank next to her in bed and she said,

stop rocking the boat, I feel sick because he was wanking. Yeah. Then he started going out with his work friends on a Friday night. But it was actually Sheila. But it turns out

that he was actually just cheating on her with a woman from work called Sheila. Shaggy Sheila. So she broke up with him but she still cuts his hair. Yes, but you need to hear...

I would not... Sorry, just for a second here. I would not trust someone who I'd cheated on to cut my fucking hair. How arrogant is this man? But you need to hear his nickname. Come on then.

Being the nice person I am, I used to come out with cuties hair. Mental. A while before, a friend of mine gave me their pet clippers as they couldn't get on with them. Slipkits and they couldn't use them. She couldn't use them. This is written basically in her accent. So she couldn't get on with them. They couldn't use them. She couldn't use them. This is written basically

in her accent. So she couldn't, someone said, here's the clippers I'm supposed to use on my dog, I can't work them. As I knew he had a delicate stomach,

I obviously cut his hair with these pet clippers, giving myself a little satisfaction that if he knew I was using the pet clippers, he'd physically throw up. Fair enough.

He was known to my friends as Sadness, as whenever they and I saw him, he always looked sad. So his nickname is Sadness. Like off air. Inside out. He's just blue, right? Constantly, he's always blue. constantly he's always blue

can you see him though yeah yeah I can see him right sometime later I went to see a band in the local town it says in brackets here Chris

you went there when you had a gig and were just starting to eat your Indian and realised you were in the wrong town is that you yeah it wasn't an Indian

it was an Italian and that was that was High Wycombe I went to High it was an italian and that was um that was high wickham i went to high wickham by accident uh when i was on the tour with al murray i went to high wickham and i thought i've got loads of time here and i sat down yeah i booked the haircut and i phoned the tour manager and i went i mean yeah really early i was like what's the venue it was like oh it's the tivoli and i said to the people at the restaurant i just ordered garlic bread and i said the people at the restaurant i said where's the Tivoli theatre from yeah I mean do you mean the Swan I don't know

the Tivoli no there's no Tivoli and I went on that I had a look on the thing again it was Wimbo Wimborne Tivoli theatre on the south coast and I was in High Wycombe and I had to drive there like a maniac and I got there uh no haircut no garlic bread and Al Murray has never let us live it down brilliant idiot anyway so that's that's it that's where they are right okay a friend of mine noticed that this ex and shaggy sheila were in the pub garden and sadness was looking very sad such a fucking absolutely brutal nickname she told one of the blokes That we were with

I didn't know either of them In brackets To kiss me Which we did And we've been married For over 25 years So that's nice Good god

I have no idea If Sadness ever found out About the pet clippers But it was a little satisfaction Of him having his Shaggy Sheila Right So this was 25 years ago

Yes That makes sense Because I didn't I thought you'd changed the name of Sheila but you hadn't

it was just 25 years ago when young girls were called Sheila yes fucking hell did you think it was quite much that was

that was a mountain to get over that email that was hard work it's enjoyable is there anything there's a question is there anything that you have done

that gives you silent satisfaction like her cutting his hair yeah pet clippers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, I get it, I get it. I don't think I'm that... Mine would be smaller than that. I don't mean to say, I don't think you calculate it,

I don't mean it in that way. I just don't think I'm that inventive. Not just that, I don't think I have close contact enough with someone who I don't like in order to do that. Does that make sense? Yeah. I mean, I do it regularly with the kids, but if it's something like... Oh, I'm sneakiest out with the kids. Yeah, yeah, you know, if you're like, oh that does that make sense yeah I mean I do it regularly with the kids but if it's something like oh I'm sneaky as out

with the kids yeah yeah you know if you're like oh you want that one okay I want that one I want that one okay there's that one

and I've just swapped them round yeah and I'm sitting there going fuck yeah sucker but yeah no nothing I mean again why are you still cutting his hair

you should have said yeah I'll cut your hair once you should have bicked his entire fucking head and kicked him out the door yeah sadness sadness is so brutal

so brutal and So brutal. And this was before Inside Out. Yeah. This was years ago. So they just were calling them Sadness. What an inventive nickname for 25 years ago. Well played. Well done.

Ahead of your time. Ahead of the curve. Congratulations. Ba-ba-doo, ba-ba-doo, ba-ba-doo, ba. Let's talk about shit, baby. Let's talk about poo and wee. Let's talk about shit, baby Let's talk about poo and wee Let's talk about all the good shits And the bad shits that have been

Let's talk about shit Let's talk about shit With a little bit of shit Let's talk about shit Shag married and shit Got a shit story. Did I do it good? Yeah, well, you did it right.

Well done. Did an alright one there. Yeah. Morning, Rosie and Chris. It's actually the afternoon well, you did it right. Well done. Did an alright one there. Morning, Rosie and Chris. It's actually the afternoon here, but that's fine. Long time. Awesome. This is my first time. I was

listening to an episode and Chris was talking about going to South Shields Beach and thinking one of your children were behind him, so he passed wind, then realised it wasn't your children behind him. Do you remember that? Disgusting. Pardon, Charles V, it's not my fault. This reminded me of an incident that happened to me. A couple of years ago, I used to air biscuit the kids.

Sorry? In brackets. This is where you trump in your hand and then throw it in the direction of someone. Wow. There was probably many other names for this. Yeah. I just, was it just last night?

Robin was at one end of the living room and I was at one end of the kitchen and we've got like an open plan thing going on yeah and he was eating his tea and I broke wind and I was

I was quite far away from him it's open plan yeah but and I farted and he looked at us he just went I'm eating my dinner that's disgusting

and started screaming and shouting it is I mean he's yeah he's disgusting and started screaming and shouting it is I mean he's yeah he's but this is the same kid that literally he's going to shit himself he squeezes his farts out

he keeps coming up and squeezes his farts out in my face so badly so the other day I pinned him down and farted on his head and he went absolutely ballistic

oh right stop it then because you're just you're just encouraging it he's done about six in a row to me so I had one so I thought

let's play and he went off it oh Chris don't right okay I've learnt not to I thought, let's play. And he went off it. Oh, Chris, don't. Oh, okay. I've learnt not to now. Well, let's go back to the air biscuit, right? So... I do that.

That's a bit better. Yeah. I did this to my son, aged about 10 at the time. Me and my older brother found this hilarious. My 10-year-old son, not so. I could see it on his face, him plotting his revenge. Later on, I was sat down and I'd forgotten about the morning's

air biscuits when my 10 year old walked up to me put his hand down his bum and pushed out a fart then thrown through it in the direction of my face yeah my face then felt a little wet and i then seen the look of horror on his face he had pushed a little too hard and shorted it into his hand and threw it at me. Threw it in his mouth's face. He did apologise immediately and I could tell he didn't mean to do that. I ran to the bedroom and had a shower and cleaned myself up. Needless to say, I haven't given the kids an air biscuit since. Yeah, no, that's a slippery slope. Poor little bugger.

That's horrible. You can see his little face, can't you? Yeah, that's not an air biscuit. That's a bloody, that's an air can see his little face can't you that's not an air biscuit that's a bloody that's an air sticky toffee pudding short larder that's horrible oh bless him imagine the fear can you imagine how scared you would be at 10

if you accidentally just threw some shit in your mam's face can you imagine how frightened you would be the moment you saw that shit hit her face and you go, oh my god. Christmas is cancelled. Birthday is cancelled. Devastated.

It would literally be... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You need to be careful though, because Robin will do that to you. Yeah, he would 100% do that to me. 100%. Thank you for listening to this week's episode

of Shag Marinoid which is part of the IKF creator network yes thank you very much and don't forget there are handfuls

of tickets for each arena left starts November the 15th ends December the 15th for all of the country have a look on shagmarinoid.com and come and see us live it's going to be alright

yes bye bye bye all over the country. Have a look on shagmarinoid.com and come and see us live. It's going to be all right, love. Yes. Bye. Bye-bye. Do-do-do-do-do-do. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.