Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 242. Beloved Sponge

Episode Date: November 3, 2023

This week on the podcast, Chris and Rosie have received a halloween card from Robin. They’ve both been ‘reading’ and they discuss sibling debts. This week's beefs involve an incident with a protein bar and a homework pyramid. QFTPs include a bath time sibling story and an unconventional treatment for a mountain biking injury.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

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Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Mountain Oid with me, Rosie, and my husband, Chris. And we are the Ramses, collectively. The surname is very important, the Ramses. Why? Best bloody gift you've ever been given in your life, that surname.

Oh, that is the rankest thing ever. You are welcome. How did you? E, do you know what? I read something somewhere. I keep saying read something. Like, I read newspapers and that. It was on Instagram, right?

Yeah, yeah. Okay, so you need to fix that. I saw a post. Yeah, no, I didn i saw a post yeah no i read you know what i mean as soon as you say i read something everyone goes that i should see something in there yeah but you're still reading it still reading you know everyone goes on about reading so good for you i read all the time oh yeah i read road signs um uh logos on people's jumpers i I'm always reading them. Yeah, me too. Labels. How long do you keep things? No, I read something.

I look at the little green men when I press a button and it goes to the red man or the green man. Oh, well done. You haven't crossed a road in years. You lose a guess. I don't cross roads. So, I read something somewhere

on the internet that isn't it shit that a woman has to go by loads of different names but a man is just a mister. So, a woman, you either miss, miz, misses.

But a man's just mister. It's because you can't make your fucking mind up, can you, sweetheart? Hey! Sweet... Hey! Sweetheart! That's disgusting. Isn't that shit, though?

Isn't that so shit? It is weird, like, yeah. Is it... I heard, ooh, I heard. And then the fact that we have to change our name is gross. Yeah, no, well, yeah, but in your case, you know, it was an improvement. Ooh, I'm named after a season. Grow up. Now listen.

I'm watching, this is something really different, right? And I'm not going to tell you. So don't listen then. No, no, sorry, okay. Sorry, no, go on. Go on, go on, go on. I've got a thing for you cross my finger

so I remember what it is remember what it is right okay oh you've got skin cheese oh both got skin cheese I'm watching a program in a minute I'm not going to tell you

what it is but it's actually an old series of a sort of it's not Real Housewives but it's very similar right why are you telling people what it is

because I don't want to offend the people who are in it right okay so I'm going to slag them off oh fantastic no it's fine

I'm on board with this I'll have a watch I'll slag them off have a watch they're all married to famous uh like well-known athletes right and one of them they've been together for 11 years yeah engaged for 11 years they've got a child together and um they were they just set a date for the wedding sent out the save the dates and everything and the guy is just like no don't want to do it really and it's on the tv program and she's like he's just changed his mind i'm devastated and he's like it's just not the right time you know and you're like wow engaged for 11 years that i mean that is really you know waiting for the i mean what's the what's the waiting list for your venue

11 years that's a long engagement and i just thought i just found it dead sad because she was just and then i think i don't know if they're still together, but you know when you're like, someone did that to me, I'd literally be like, see you later, mate. What's the difference though? It's not like he's changing his name. It's not like he's changing or losing anything. I think you'll lose half of his income, Chris. That's what he'll lose. So he needs a pre-nuptial agreement. You know, you're getting into territory there that I

don't know about but who would you sign it I don't know and it's just mad and I'm like oh gosh

is this really awful to say no no well I think there's a bit especially in America it's a big big thing about if you

marry it you know I think I've read a thing I saw a post I saw a post I was watching TikTok

so now I'm either gonna right either way it's quite an interesting statistic and it's quite an impressive statistic but I think I saw a post. Oh, you saw a post. I saw a post. I was watching TikTok. So now, I'm either going to, right, either way, it's quite an interesting statistic and it's quite an impressive statistic. But I think it couldn't have been seconds. It has to be minutes. I think I'm going to go with minutes.

It said every three minutes in America, someone gets divorced. What? That's what it said. That's not far off. Babies being born. It wasn't seconds. That was crazy.

Yeah, it's minutes. No, because every minute a baby's born, isn't it? In the UK. Now, with the babies thing, I can get it. But with minutes, every three minutes, if they say every three minutes someone gets divorced, even at night, who's getting divorced at four in the morning?

So is it like, is that 95? Is it in the world or is it just America? It was just America. It was a poster. Look, right. Everyone calm yourselves down. This is a spurious post that I only half remember seeing.

Might have been pissed when I saw it. I don't think it's every three minutes. Oh, for fuck's sake. Where's me Google? Me Google? Right, I'm going to me Google it. Hold on.

That's sad, isn't it? Eh? Well, the point I was getting at was there are a lot of, you know, it's about money a lot of time hold on right no okay i don't know right i've got right there's a story about a couple who got divorced after just three minutes that's annoying i could use that on extra extra forget you heard that right they got divorced after being married for three minutes? Now that I'm on a bramble now. What?

Hey, can we talk about these? These are the most indecisive people in the world. How can you get divorced after three minutes? Why? Surely it took longer than that to get to the place where you get divorced. Jesus. Couple divorce after three minutes when Kuwaiti bride trips and husband calls her stupid, promoting his wife to have the marriage annulled immediately.

What? The marriage reportedly became the shortest ever in history. In the history of Kuwait local media said that the woman slipped while on her way out of the courthouse and her husband called her stupid before she asked the judge to annul the marriage. That is mad.

That is. She was already, they'd had an argument in the morning that was that's a boil that's bubbling over that's wonderful that's not a one little

that's not a one off that's fucking wonderful Jesus give us one sec to try and type this properly no it's just it's giving us that fucking story anyway the moral of the story is

I'm watching it and I'm currently watching it at the minute I just think I just think she's staying with him for the money, and I just find it a bit sad. Well, all I was going to say was, in America, it is a massive thing of like,

you know, a lot of people get divorced in America. Obviously more people than here, but there is more people. But I think the statistics are higher of how many people get divorced. And it's, yeah, it's a lot of the time it's about money. I don't know,

signing a thing before you get married, it always seems a bit weird to me. It always seems like, oh, I love you. Isn't this a fairy tale? Sign this so you won't take my money. thing before you get married, it always seems a bit weird to me. It always seems like, oh, I love you. Isn't this a fairy tale? Sign this, it won't take me money. I love you too. Like, do you know what I mean?

Because then you could say part of his success could be down to her for being together for the last 11 years, her facilitating him. And it's really... As a man, I'm not going to... I bet you wouldn't. As a man, I'm not going to bother with that. I bet you wouldn't. I believe, as a man, I believe he was out grafting don't believe that. I bet you wouldn't. As a man, I'm not going to bother with that. I bet you wouldn't. I believe, as a man,

I believe he was out grafting, doing the hard graft, and she was honestly swanning about, gallivanting, lolloping. Great. Lazing. Great.

Well, I believe... In fact, if I hadn't just turned the Wi-Fi off and closed Google, I would have got more words from Thesaurus.com to put my point across and irritate you even more. I believe that she's probably been his therapist for 11 years. Right, okay.

So she's owed every penny but it's just really sad to watch. Anyway, why do we get onto this? Because you were trying to, it's like, I don't know. Anyway, listen.

Talking about Mrs. and Mr. Can I tell you the thing I learned yesterday? Yes. Because yeah, you were talking about Mrs. and Mrs. and stuff. It went all off piece.

Sorry guys. And it's called WAGS if you want to watch it. Fucking hell. it's called wags if you want to watch it fucking hell the whole fucking hell you shrouded the entire thing in mystery listen

it's her thing actually everybody watch it she might get more money on her it's her thing innit it's not going to have anything to do with him I'm not a boarder

she sounds very all I've heard about this lady so far is that she's just money grabbing no she's actually not I'm joking I'm completely joking listen what I i was gonna say you you you

said oh my god no one gives a fuck what you said was that mrs and and i was speaking to someone yesterday i was i'm doing it i've just filmed a couple of days on a tv show uh i'm so sorry i can't i'm not allowed to say what it is yet but it's a quiz show so the guy one of the people said to someone else oh mate I like your shirt and the lad was wearing the shirt went oh it's not a shirt technically it's a blouse and I went sorry

and he went yeah the buttons are the other way so the buttons go like a woman's so do you know the reason the buttons go the other way i've never known why why did they told us this lad and it's like my exact point when he told us i went wow wasn't the past sexist that's what i said okay what was it for oh they're gonna make me mad no so they go one way on a woman's so what do they go they go right over left on a woman's yeah right over left so right over left and they go left over left on a woman's, yeah. Right over left. No, no. So right over left is a blouse.

And they go left over right on a man's because historically, the woman would do up the man's buttons so they're the other way around on his so that her doing it is the same for her so she can still do it. Oh! Oh! Oh, God!

I could vomit and kick something. Isn't that unbelievable? That is disgusting yeah so that's why so it's right over left on a woman's shirt slash blouse

and then a man's shirt is left over right because the woman would do the man's shirt because the stupid woman wouldn't be able to do a button the other way because one

obviously she wouldn't be able to do it the other way it's such in reverse her doing his would be the same that's awful

that's awful that's do you know I always think that I might have loved being in the past I don't think I would have no it wouldn't have lasted a day

I told you man imagine we've went over this millions and millions of times whenever you see someone having sex on Downton Abbey or Game of Thrones or Outlander

the stink their cocks and fannies are fucking lifting I know I know honestly you whip your pants down and pastry crumbles

like you're bit into a your pants down and pastry crumbles like you're bit into a sausage roll in the wind now listen it's a skin and flake it's a breath for me man

that's what I couldn't deal with and the BO yeah yeah yeah what were we watching the other day oh it was that

bodies and there was a sex scene in 1890 and all I could think was it fucking stinking yeah yeah yeah anyway guys thank you so much for being here thank you so much for listening in 1890 and all I could think was it fucking stinking there. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. Again, every few episodes, I like to really take my time to say thank you because I don't like glossing over the thank yous because they sound really insincere.

Thank you so much. Every single week, we are still thundering up the top of the podcast charts because of you listening. Thank you so, so much. We really, really do appreciate it. We can't thank you enough.

And without further ado, it is time to tell you that it is episode 242 and it's time for this week's lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is... Queuing right up someone's arse. Oh! Hey. Oh, yes. Hey, are you in a queue?

Hey, has the person in front of you moved half an inch? Then you better fill that gap so you can smell the fucking shampoo. Yeah. Eh? Because we all know the closer you stand to the person in front, the faster you'll get to the front. Yeah. Happened to me at Asda Cafe a couple of weeks ago.

Happened to me the day at the mini golf. Went to the mini golf at the metro centre. Fucking bloke. Honestly, I hope he listens. Honestly, mate. Like, no, no, no. Right up me arse. the mental centre fucking bloke honestly I hope he listens honestly mate like no no no

right up me arse like literally I didn't even play I didn't even play the mini golf because this fucking bloke behind was just standing right

on me fucking heels in his defence I'll well not in his defence no but I will okay well listen to this I will never go to mini golf

in half term ever again. Oh, it was unbelievable. It was just awful. It was just... Like, it was so busy. Yeah. So busy that you didn't actually get time. I didn't take my turns.

No. You shouldn't have got me that bat. What's it called? Bat? No, yeah, it's called a bat. No, what's it called? It's 100% called a bat. Golf bat.

What's it called? Golf bat. Golf racket. What's it called? Come on. Putt. What's it called? Golf putt. Golf... Fuck, Chris, what's it called? Come on. Putt. What's it called? Golf putt.

Fuck, Chris, what's it called? Are you wanting the word club? Yes, a golf club. Oh, my God. Good old man. Or were you wanting the word putter? I don't know. What's putting in?

A putter. It's called a putter. The one you had was called a putter, and it's for putting a ball in a hole. Anyway, I'll never go in half term again. It was too busy. It was too busy. It was too busy and you were rushed, rushed around that course.

People up your backside. When someone's up your arse in a queue. I know. Honestly, I've started walking backwards into them. I've started leaning backwards and walking backwards into them. And then they're like... And I'm like, well, fucking fuck off then. I just don't think anyone's got any spatial awareness. And also, people don't have spatial awareness in cars.

The amount of time, right? The amount of time people are at my backside in a car, and I'm like, oh, fuck this, so I move over. And then they move over as well, and you go, oh, you just can't drive. You're just up my backside. You think that's how close you drive to someone. Yeah, you think this is a cue. Yeah, I think you're wanting to get past us, but you know,

you just drive up people's arses. Can't bear it. Mad, isn't it? Can't bear it. Yeah, I do. I think, oh, hey, they want to go these, and then drive up people's arses. Can't bear it. Mad, isn't it? Can't bear it. Yeah, I do. I think, oh, hey, they want to go these. And then, yeah. Unbelievable.

Unbelievable. But listen, if someone's queuing right up your arse, just don't move. Sometimes I don't move. Sometimes I don't move. I let the person in front of us go miles ahead, and I'll stand there. And then obviously they go,

excuse me, the queue's moved. And you move, and then they're right up your arse. And then sometimes I try and I move like little inches, little inches, and they move again. And I move millimeters moved and you move and then they're right over here and then sometimes sometimes i try and i move like little inches little inches and they move again and i move millimeters and they move again i think it's a british thing get the fuck out of my anal cavity you impatient shithead i think it's a british thing i'll never this is one of them things from when i was younger and i can't remember how old i was i think i was a teenager and there was a program on the telly i'm sure we've talked about this but it would have been a long long time ago where they they were in a hotel and they filmed loads of different nationalities in a hotel do you remember this i don't think you've told me about this have i not

no sure i have um and culturally they're just culturally it just showed all different nationalities in this hotel and it kind of showed like the breakfast buffet. British are like all queuing. I think it might have been Japanese who just didn't queue at all, who just went to the front. And then obviously everyone else is like kicking off. And then it was like the German people who were getting naked in the shower around the pool.

It was so interesting. Because obviously I don't think they told them what it was for. But it was just to watch how... Sorry, naked in the shower around the pool? Yeah. So that was a thing. Some of them were like, oh, you just wash your bollocks in the shower?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not having that, like... Yeah. It was so interesting. Naked in the breakfast buffet, I can understand. Just to see how people... And so I think there was something happened at check-in and it was the way that different nationalities reacted

to something going wrong. It was really interesting. Wow. It was in the 90s I was on. Oh, yeah. Absolutely doesn't sound like they'd make that now, let's be perfectly honest. But I think the Q&A thing...

Guys, look, it's not racist. We're just saying celebrate the differences. No, no one's different. Everyone's the same. No, we're all exactly the same. Sometimes it's quite fun to celebrate the differences, especially culturally. No!

God, no! Turn it off! Please! What's that? Is that me? Whoa, what's that behind us? What the fuck is that? It's your shadow, mate.

You're scared of your own shadow. Oh, okay. Traditions. Nobody has any traditions. We all end up with the same. No one does stuff differently. No, yeah, they do sometimes. You're so right.

You're not allowed to celebrate. American comedy's got it right. American comedy's got it right. American comedians, standard comics comics especially that can discuss different races and different cultures and do it in and celebrate the differences in a funny way in britain you literally mention anything you go oh there was a french guy and everyone's oh fuck he said what's he gonna do what's he gonna do he's gonna do the accent oh god who's he sending home he's not sending anyone home he's not saying any that he's just oh god i know it's a lot in it i mean will this even stay in probably not

happy halloween fuck off with happy halloween do you know someone said someone genuinely at the tv show robin made us a fucking happy halloween card like it's mother's Day when our 8 year old gave me a happy Halloween card this morning every fibre of my being every fibre of my being wanted to go you're fucking joking aren't you Halloween card, get in the bin

listen, they might have had a bit of free time at school you know, they were filling in them lessons an adult, a grown adult said happy Halloween to me yesterday no they didn't and I said fuck off with that my actual answer was fuck off with that. My actual answer was, fuck off with that.

Wow. Yeah, I think he was half joking. Okay. But yeah. Oh, happy Halloween. Oh, God. We normally do a Halloween special, but I just didn't. I forgot. I totally forgot.

I'm sick of people trying to make it a thing. Well, Halloween. I've had enough. I've fully had enough. Although I went through Newcastle City Centre last night, and there was loads of people. I got off the train. There was loads of people out dressed off the train there was loads of people

out dressed up but I get it it was students all just dressed up on a night out but I kind of get that we've all done that I kind of get that

I think if anything Halloween is for just a fancy dress night out yeah but oh I last night turned the gate off yes

turned all of the lights off yes at one point we were in because Robin can't be left on his own anywhere in the house at the minute like he follows you around like a bad he's watched something or someone at school has said something to him like a ghost story or something stupid he's scared i was like that at home though he's scared of stuff anyway oh have i never told you

about when my mates came around once and uh we went to my bedroom and one of them was sitting on my bed and he looked like, he must have, I don't believe in ghosts or anything like that, right? This could be a little Halloween story for you, actually, with it being a Halloween special. Should I do a... No, no, absolutely not. Stop it. No, no, no. Absolutely not. No. Halloween. Halloween.

So I went upstairs and he was sitting, like, we all went up and he went up a couple of minutes before me and he was sitting on my bed and he looked like really like coy like shocked like he just didn't look himself and he'd only been up

for a couple of minutes and he was like I'll never forget his face and I went I was like you alright and he was like oh I've just seen

a little boy behind your door and that's how it was built in 2002 but it wasn't one it wasn't built in 2002 I moved there when I was six

I don't know I moved there when I was six two it was built on an old school it was built on Redwell School but it wasn't one it wasn't built in 2002 I moved there when I was six I don't know I moved there when I was six two it was built on an old school oh it was built on Redwell School okay

so I never forgot it I never forgot it it was really weird when he said it and then he never really mentioned it again he mentioned it a couple

of times at school ages after and then I was like really and he was like yeah but he never like egged it loads so I don't know

if he was mature enough to do that kind of wind up does that make sense I don't believe in it at all but it was it was really strange that he he did it like

I think some people do save spirits he wound it up he wound us up the way an adult would wind someone up it wasn't a kid winding someone up

when it was man it was believers believers believers he kind of just mentioned it a couple of times oh yeah maybe Rob one of Robin's friends has said something daft it was believers believers believers he kind of just mentioned it a couple of times oh yeah

maybe Rob one of Robin's friends has said something daft like that I mean he's kind of maybe Robin says things that we don't yeah I doubt it very much

well two two Halloweeny things I've got to tell you last night so you were away last night so I shut the gate off because I can't be honest people come at the door

um Ralph was in bed that's the spirit yeah I tried it last year no one came so I just thought fuck it I'm not doing it this year I was in my dressing room's the spirit. Yeah, I tried it last year and no one came so I just thought, fuck it, I'm not doing it this year. I was in my dressing room

getting ready. Robin came in because he can't be on his own and he just sat on the, he was reading while I was washing my face, had all the lights on and I could hear people,

like kids outside and I was like, oh fuck, because I'd literally just turned the lights on and then Robin was full on opening the window. I was like,

stop knocking out the window! So the blatant scene where then I turned all the lights off. It was ridiculous. Second thing, shit me pants. We've got all glass downstairs, haven't we? Like in the dining room, it's all glass. Never, ever happened before. Only happened on Halloween night when I was already shitting myself.

Robin was walking behind us. I genuinely thought it was someone outside in the pitch black. His reflection. His reflection. Shit me pants. Wow. Shit me pants. was walking behind us I genuinely thought it was someone outside in the pitch black he's reflection he's reflection shit me pants wow shit me pants like actual

actual shit you know what no but you know what it made us think what I got scared not like a ghost I thought it was

somebody outside and it made us feel the scared of how I would feel if anyone ever was there right okay and I thought oh I didn't like that

I understand do you know what I mean because you always think what would I do? When I got out of the taxi last night at about half past 11, there was kids going down the street dressed as skeletons.

What was that all about? Kids going down our street dressed as skeletons on a mobility scooter. One of the weirdest things I've ever seen in my life. Laughing their heads off, having a great time.

But I was like... How old were they? 13, 14. Was one of them needed the mobility scooter? No, they didn't need it. It was definitely an elderly relative's mobility scooter no they didn't need it it was definitely an elderly relative's

mobility scooter and they were literally going down the street on a dress of skeletons they'd either stole it I don't know what was going on and I thought I can't be arsed here

did you not ask oh what part of you thinks I have the confidence to go up to a group of 14 year old girls oh you said there was only two

there was three of them oh and go what are you doing on that-year-old girls Oh, you said there was only two? There was three of them. Oh. And go, what are you doing on that mobility scooter? All right, man. Oh, look at you. You know what would happen? They'd call us a pedo

and I'd run away scared. So I could hear them as well. Yeah. I thought it was the same kids from... Oh, it might have been the same ones from earlier on and they didn't answer the door. There's a hell of a battery on that mobility scooter if they were going around that long.

Where have they got that scooter from? No idea. Who in the street has a mobility scooter? Could be loads around that way where have you got that scooter from no idea who in the street has a mobility scooter could be loads of people I don't know we would know how would we know

I just would I would have seen someone yeah surely oh mysteries mysteries this is a 20 minute intro

oh I'm glad well we could just take a babadoo bat in there somewhere and break it up no I don't know who knows

anyway here's the jingle and break it up, no? No, I don't know. Who knows? Who fucking knows? Anyway. Here's the jingle. Happy Halloween. It's not. No. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle.

We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingle! Hello and welcome back Where you been? What you doing? What you got on? What's all this? What's going on?

What's going on? Tell me What's been happening? So I've been away Doing a little thing Left us high and dry With these two little goblins Horrible horrible

Being left with the kids What else has been going on? Nothing I'll tell you exactly what's going on. It is currently, Nothing in my life. As we record today, it's the 1st of November.

Two air starts this month. Oh shit, yeah. Two air starts this month. It does. We're finalising all the stuff. Genuinely, it's going to be awesome. A lot of the tickets are gone, but there's still tickets on the website,

shagmarinoid.com. Dot com. Dot com. Get involved. Free cum with every ticket Chris's not mine I couldn't do that

I haven't come in years thousands and thousands what excuse you I haven't come in years how dare you how dare you anyway welcome back

hope you're alright you got anything nice to talk about I think we've spunked everything I've got I tell you what I've got one thing

I've got one thing a little sort of moral dilemma I had last night so I was on one thing I've got one thing a little sort of moral dilemma I had last night so I was on the train on the way back and a lady next to us

dead quick question what were you watching on the train nothing why I was just wondering why I was just wondering I don't know

just you like really pointed at us really axiatory there when he asked us that I was playing on I was playing on the Nintendo Switch I was playing on

Super Mario Wonder oh what headphones did you wear? I've managed to get my AirPods working. So I didn't know if AirPods worked with Nintendo Switches and what turns I would do. But the only headphones that I've got in the house that I've got a normal headphone jack on,

apart from these podcast ones, is Robin's Mario headphones. So there was a part where I thought, I'm going to have to wear Robin's Mario headphones. Father of the year Christopher bought for his birthday we got Robin

the new game the new Mario game Mario Wonder yeah father of the year Chris said to Robin on Sunday before he left Robin you know how you're not

allowed to go on your switch during the week after school could I I was obviously vomiting in my mouth because I thought this is my grown man husband

saying this to me eight year old could daddy please borrow your new I can't even say it could daddy please borrow your new Mario game to play on the train

fuck me disgusting and Robin bless him lovely was like yeah of course he can and then he came up to me after and he went I can't believe you're with him

and I said mate is that what he said imagine that imagine he probably up to me after and he went, I can't believe you're with him. And I said, mate. Is that what he said? Imagine that. Imagine. He probably would. You should be embarrassed. Your husband just bought an eight-year-old's game. Pathetic.

Oh, Chris, that was rank, though. So you played on the Switch on the train? Yeah. Oh, God. Way there, way back. Made it absolutely fly, mate. Did it? Absolutely fly.

Listen, so I'm sitting on the table, and then on the chair, and I've got a little table in front of us, and then straight across the aisle, a woman was chair, and I've got a little table in front of us, and then literally straight across the aisle, a woman was sitting and she lay down across her two chairs. So her head was on the seat closest to me. Right. And she fell asleep.

Her feet were at the window. Feet were at the window. Head was closest to the aisle. That's weird. Her head was right next to us when she was asleep. It was really, really strange. Do you understand what I mean? I'm across the aisle from her, though.

Yeah, but so she's leaving her head at... her head's at the aisle at the trolley end yeah head's trolley end why don't know loudest snoring oh she was snoring yeah loudest snoring i've ever heard in public and really i just i was just sitting thinking what's the etiquette here and i'm looking and a few people are looking and I'm thinking, can you, could you go, like, give her a shake and go, would you shut the fuck up? Or, because if someone was sitting there going, ah! Gnaw!

Gnaw! Like, growling. I'd go, mate. I did not see that noise coming. No, but do you know what I mean? Is that what it was like? Like, yeah, slimming out of that, but a snore. But if someone was growling.

Yeah. Or just going like, ha! Like, I would go, you fucking knock that on the head, mate. It's really loud. what it was like like yeah slimming out of that but a snore but if someone was growling yeah or just going like ha like I would go you fucking knock that on the head mate it's really loud like

it's really irritating you would I probably wouldn't like I just I've sat through loads on a train I sat for so I had to turn me

I had to turn the Nintendo Switch up because I couldn't I could hear it snoring and it was irritating right okay and just because you were on a late train

though weren't you you didn't get off the train until 20 or 11 not late enough to be lying there it wasn't a sleep late train though weren't you you didn't get off the train until 20 or 11 not late enough to be lying there it wasn't a sleeper train it wasn't middle through the night train

it was late you know this was about half past 10 10 o'clock when she was doing it but it was oh no

how was it but it was right next to us and I just I don't know what the I don't know I felt it felt weird right

and then Newcastle was and everyone sort of looked thinking give her a shake and see if this is her stop but I thought I'm not I'm fucking waking up right and then Newcastle was at the end and everyone sort of looked thinking give her a shake and see if this is her stop but I thought

I'm not you're fucking waking up and Edinburgh for all I care you loud fucker so what did she stay on she woke up she woke up

in what Newcastle was her stop yeah yeah it actually it actually terminated Newcastle but you know you get me point

you get me point I don't know what the etiquette is there I don't know it's just weird it's part of his thing because you don't know what her day has been like she might really need that cape exactly and then the other part is there. I don't know. It's part of his thing because you don't know what her day has been like.

She might really need that cape. Exactly. And then the other part is you're in the public, you know, you're on the train. What are you doing? So I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. It's just, you know, it's just an interest. Was she pissed? She was snoring like she was pissed. Right, okay. She was snoring like someone was pissed.

Oh, she might have had a really tough day. Yeah. I know. She might have had some really bad news. She just got pissed alright man don't worry don't

you I don't know I don't know how to answer that side note my mate when he was when he was 16

used to work at a paintballing place in Durham he used to get the train back to Newcastle I've never been paintballing really

no wow never I get really do you know what it is I really don't like people chasing us. Do you know we're raised... Chris.

Me and the kids raced to the bath the other night, right? And they raced after me. Honestly, I fucking hated it. I was... Oh, no, stop! Right, first of all... I don't like it. First of all, first of all,

I feel like you're confusing paintballing with some kind of giant game of TIG. I didn't like that either of all first of all I feel like you're confusing paintballing with some kind of giant game of TIG I don't like that either right it's not why are people chasing you yeah but you've got to run away don't you

remember Quasar Laser I shit me pants at Quasar Laser well this is by the way it's back at Shields you know Quasar Laser I've heard there's a laser

thing back yeah so yeah but paintballing is you don't you know you shoot people you don't chase people you've got to run after them though you have to run after

people run after you to shoot you well why when they can shoot you why would you don't chase people you've got to run after them though you don't have to run after them people run after you to shoot you well why when they can shoot you why would you run when your bullet flies faster than you can run oh well I might like it then

I would like that but honestly the lads chased after us up the stairs sorry an eight year old and a two year old chased after you

upstairs and you were upset no I wasn't upset it was just the adrenaline it got us to keep panicking I didn't like it I really didn't like it and then I actually said to them oh I don't upset. It was just the adrenaline. It got us to keep panicked. I didn't like it. Adrenaline. I really didn't like it. Wow. And then I actually said to them,

oh, I don't like people chasing us. They didn't get it. They didn't care. Of course they didn't. It's fucking weirdo. I know. I didn't like it at all. Oh, I've just thought about having a glass of wine.

You've got a problem. I know. You've got a problem. Your head's like a pinball machine today. All I was going to say was, so my mate, he worked at a pinball thing in Durham. Pinball.

Pinball. Pinball thing in Durham. He fell asleep on the train on the way back and he woke up in Edinburgh. It was the last train and his dad had to get him a taxi from Edinburgh to Newcastle. Shut up.

He was in such, such bother. His dad was raging. Yeah. It's not even a long train from Durham to Newcastle. Yeah, but he fell asleep on the train and he woke up in Edinburgh. But that's like,

that's, we're talking, you know, early noughties here that's i that's a hell of a lot of money to fortune my dad would murder me taxi from edinburgh to newcastle oh god early noughties hell on wasn't it like when your parents had to pay for anything for you when you were younger wasn't it just the worst thing in the world? If you did something wrong or you broke something and they had to pay for it, it was just literally like, you have put us in debt.

You're going to have to repay our mortgage. I must have told you once I got a £125 phone bill once. Well, stuff like that, like when you mess on with stuff and you do stuff wrong. Hell on. Was wrong. Hell on. Was there? Hell on. Yeah. I just remember my mum going,

I thought you got free minutes. I thought they were free. I thought your texts were free. My mum and dad once paid, I hope they don't mind me saying this, paid off Kate's credit card when she was younger because she got in a bit of debt.

They've never not mentioned it. It's literally brought up all the time quite right quite fucking right I don't know if she paid it back

actually I'm probably owed a bit of money actually with siblings not one sibling can't get more than the others

right so if I find out that Kevin's had something off me dad right I will be sniffing around

you're a grown woman with a family I don't care it's how it works me dad. Right. I will be sniffing around. You're a grown woman with a family. That's how it works. Me dad once bought me sister a gilet from Jules. I know all about this gilet. I don't think I fucking don't. A gilet from Jules. I think it might be about 45, 50 quid when we were at Dalton Park.

And I found out and I was like, I haven't had anything off my dad for a while. But then he did get us something nice. So I was like, right, fair enough. Need a spreadsheet, you but then he did get us something nice so I was like right fair enough need a spreadsheet you mate counteract it it is actually true

and I think everybody else will be the same who's got siblings you can't give one without the other oh god we've got all that to look forward to

fuck's sake it's true well you can't you physically can't to the point of where alright okay so one of our kids

one of them's got a job paintballing place in Durham falls asleep we've got to get him a taxi back from Edinburgh so the other one is in kids, one of them's got a job paintballing place in Durham, falls asleep, we've got to get my taxi back from Edinburgh. So the other one is, in sibling rules, the other one's allowed to go, how much is that taxi?

Right, well, you owe me that money. Maybe not straight away, but at some point, if they do get in trouble and they'll go, well, what about when such and such did that? Trade it off. Yeah. Politicians, man. So there you go.

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ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com okay it's time for what's your beef i love beef beef beef love beefy hula hoops you love beefy hula hoops the puffed ones oh my god I've had to stop buying hula hoops puffed oh they're so addictive one packet's not enough I know they're so good oh god

they're incredible them and them and the big watsits I'm not a fan of the big watsits you pull them out of your teeth for fucking days

no chance love them they taste good though okay ladies first or me first do you know what you okay okay got a good one here i wrote this down as soon as it happened right great i had barely stopped the car safely to write this down because it was so ridiculous you ready you never stop the car carefully you're a terrible driver wow but that's that's by the by. Wow. So,

Robin's birthday last week. You know, obviously he got up early. He was very excited. We had a morning and then we went out and we went to pick up his little cousin

and we'll take them out for the day to the golf, the mini golf and trampoline park and all that stuff. We're in the car on the way. I had a protein bar

that I was eating. I said to Robin, I said, do you want half of this protein bar? And you went, Chris, no. No, man. Full of sugar. It's too early for me to have something like that.

Full of sugar. And I went, right, okay. It's got protein in it, though. It's like, you know, for these little tummy proteins good for me. It's full of sugar. No, you just bloody eat it. What are you doing? Trying to give the kid protein bar, 10 o'clock, full of sugar.

Full of sugar, that. The exact way I meant, full of sugar. That was the exact way. Rubbish, that. A load of rubbish. full of sugar full of sugar that the exact way full of sugar that was the exact way rubbish that load of rubbish full of sugar okay about five minutes later

we pulled over to a service station on the way to the medical centre because you were worried because when you get hangry you get hangry you get so hangry

all of Robin's bad behaviour is when he's hungry always hungry I swear to god hungry or tired it's the only that we have eliminated it's hungry or tired

every single time it's hungry or tired yeah we's hungry or tired, yeah. We pull over to... Well, I didn't want him to be hungry because... No, no, no. I didn't realise he'd only had a tiny little bit for his breakfast

because he was being so excited. So, we literally five minutes, less than five minutes after that, just remember, full of sugar, load of shite, can't have that too early. Just remember them,

that little collection of freezers. Do you remember what you got him from the service station what he chose because it was his birthday

but he came back in to the car with first of all a car with the smelliest most ridiculous

fucking stain inducing food in the world that kid came back in the car with a packet of chilli Doritos

yeah you only had half a pepperami yeah yeah and a bottle of fizzy of chilli Doritos. Yeah. You only had half. A pepperami. Yeah. Yeah. And a bottle of fizzy fizzy

vimto. It was his birthday. Literally purple and red stuff. I know. I was nearly sick driving that car

for the smell that the chilli and the Doritos and the fucking pepperami and then the buritos and the fucking pepper army and then the burps of the fizzy vimdo yeah

can I just tell you in hindsight I wish you'd just give him half that protein I didn't realise you had that much to eat oh I know oh I know

unbelievable I know fizzy vimdo a pepper army a cop what year is it I didn't know it was fizzy by the way

what year is it I didn't know it was fizzy and he pulled the wool over my eyes because I paid for it and then as we were walking out he went he went you didn't realise but this is fizzy and he pulled the wool over my eyes because I paid for it and then as we were walking out he went you didn't realise

but this is fizzy like that and then I was annoyed but I thought it's your birthday utterly ridiculous watch your beef because you don't deserve

a beef after that it is pretty bad it was bad sorry about that my beef with you is over half term Robin had homework and part of his homework

was like a project was to make a pyramid build this pyramid right yeah 3d pyramid i thought well you know he's got he's got whatever got a week off he'll be fine we've got loads of time to do it so every day i kept saying right we need to build this pyramid no no i need to slightly engineer all pyramids are 3d if it wasn't 3d which would be a triangle carry on. Carry on. Oh, you are. You are samaners. So I kept saying every day, we need to do this pyramid.

We need to do this pyramid. And every day, Chris would say to me, he doesn't need to do it today. He's got loads of time. He doesn't need to do it today. And Robin would go, yeah, mum, I don't need to do it today. And I said, Chris, you are away from Sunday

and it needs to be in on Tuesday. And I'm not doing it the night before. Tell me when I ended up making a fucking pyramid for my child's project. Judging by the angry phone call I got off here, I imagine it was Monday night. It was Monday fucking night. The night before. And it was Tuesday morning. Because he wouldn't go and get his Lego by himself in the dark.

And I had Rafe. Because Monday night, my phone rang and I picked up the phone. And while I'm in the hotel, away, nothing I can do to help you. Your exact words were, don't you. I went, hiya, love. You went, don't you ever tell me to make him wait until the night before to do his homework. Because we've just done his pyramid and it was a fucking nightmare. Yeah.

And I said, I didn't tell you to wait the night before. All I said was, you kept putting it off. All I said was, he's got until Tuesday and then you went, right, bye then. And you put the phone down

and then, but you, because you kept putting it off and you kept putting it off. Two hours later, your text is, because I held out. I was like,

I'm not giving any of you. Two hours later, you, tail between your legs, came crawling back, didn't you? Because you knew you were being ridiculous. Your text is two hours later.

Oh, I only text you because I was going, sorry, just stressed. I only text you because I knew you were being ridiculous you texted too oh I only texted sorry just stressed I only texted you because I was going to bed and I thought if you died in your sleep then you'd feel bad if I hadn't said

goodnight so fuck you I didn't mean it don't you ever think that I mean an apology I only ever apologise if we're going to sleep in one of my die

when we're away so don't fucking think that that's a real apology travelling or going to sleep I'm with you on that exactly I go do you on that. Exactly. I go, do you know what? I might as well just quickly say sorry here

because if one of these dies in a car crash. Thank you very much. But don't think that I was apologising for that because I wasn't. That was just a quick little... Placeholder. Yes. Placeholder till now.

Don't you ever tell me to put off a project ever again because we're doing it. And you never do his homework. Why is that left to me? It's not my wheelhouse man what is your wheelhouse because you're really

slacking on the bins at the minute Ramsey I did miss the bins last week I didn't miss them but we got them within 10 minutes didn't we just you know just general

just you know vibes just making sure the vibes are okay you don't make sure the vibes are okay you bring nothing but negativity

to this house yeah negative vibes negative vibes. Negative vibes, bit of panic. You know, now and then I forget to put the bins out. You know, I'm just... Negative vibes. Negative vibes. I bring the doom and gloom, what else do you want?

I just bring a big grey cloud of anxiety and stress that's what do you know how much work that takes to maintain are you kidding me oh my god we're laughing

because it's so true anyway he's trying he's trying he's trying he's trying so what was a triangle listen i've never done this before but in this babadook bag you're gonna we're gonna talk now and then we're gonna say something about and there's gonna be babadook and then the next bit's gonna be a question for the public in that interim i will have had a shit i need to go to the toilet oh my god honestly i'm

turtling yeah oh gee is that why you go you can not say i'm sitting right on the edge here it's horrible go on then go god bye sorry babadook babadook babadook it's time for questions from Is that why you... I'm sitting right on the edge here. It's horrible. Bye, sorry. It's time for questions from the public. Good shit. It's been gone ten minutes. Wait, humans are horrible. Did you have a shower after? No, no, the shower will come later.

Sometimes the shower will come. If you're sitting here, they shite your arse. Sometimes, the shower will come. If you're sitting here, they shite your arse. No, don't be disgusting. They'll be, you know, but the shower will come later.

I'll not be able to cope up my entire day. We've got stuff to do. I couldn't go for the shower now because you'd be like, what the hell? But the shower will come later. Okay, good.

Don't you worry about a thing. Don't you worry about a thing, baby. Humans aren't minging. We are minging, aren't we? I've just went and sat on a porcelain thing

and just, and then I I come back up like nothing's wrong not really it's dead natural I didn't like it just smells doesn't it

but everyone's more than happy to hide the food in their mouth just gotta come out some way well I mean so my shit is my fault my fault eh

unbelievable unbelievable anyway listen if you want to get in touch it's shagged marriedannoyed at gmail.com please continue to send us

all of your wonderful wonderful things we really do appreciate it Rosie what have we got in the mail bag this week oh well Chris

we've had loads of people emailing in and we've got some brilliant stuff here I've got a shit story to start with oh have we keep it on brand

keep it on brand excellent hello Chris and Rosie my husband and I are South Shields natives long time listeners and big fans very excited to come

and see you on tour oh we shall see you there thank you I have an ick and a story for you get in we have to travel a lot to visit our sisters

who have moved away so there is a lot of motorway driving my ick is that my husband likes to sit in the outside lane at whichever speed is currently happening

which causes the speeders to pile up behind us. I get so embarrassed and it's such an ick. Yeah, Prig, stop it. Why do that? Stop doing that. We'll go at my speed. I understand it's more difficult on two-laner. A dual carriageway does upset me slightly.

A motorway is better because you've got two other lanes to play with rather than the fast lane. But a dual carriageway, if you've got people going 50 in one and then you're on level 70 but you don't want to go 90 like the fucking nutters behind you you've got to move around a lot well my that's just my dad used to tell me off all the time and uh so when we used

to drive to gigs my dad used to come with us and do help us with my gear and stuff when i was doing solo and um i would just sit in the middle lane i don't really mind sitting in the middle lane right if you're not going too fast and you don't want to go slow to sit in the middle lane i don't understand the problem right okay well fair enough all right but my dad was like why don't you go back to the slower lane i was like because why why do i want to keep moving about i don't see the problem because that's how driving works yeah he kept telling us to move to keep moving i was like i'm quite happy no you've got it yeah why though i'm not getting anyone's way but you probably are getting people's way i'm not though because if they want to overtake us

they can overtake us i understand and if they want to overtake us, they can overtake us. I understand. And if they want to go slower, they can go on the other. I do understand the logic. I feel like the law is wrong and I might be right. All right, okay.

That's a very arrogant way to look at it, but fair enough. Me dad, and I remember saying to my dad, Dad, that's old fashioned driving. Oh, great. Wow. You're too old, mate.

We just like the city. I do nothing. Anyway. Secondly, a tale of sisterly horror and a question for Rosie. In brackets. Sorry, lonely child. Yeah, that's me. Oh, sorry, is that you? No frame of reference for siblings, but

you know. But you probably had a much better childhood than me. Didn't have to share me bike. Exactly, mate. Fuck you all. Exactly. At least you had a bike. When they were toddlers, my husband and his younger sister would be bathed together by their mam. Sounds pretty good. They both had a special, beloved sponge.

I've just laughed because I sometimes forget what these are and I've just remembered. Right. They both had a special, beloved sponge. Hers was a fish and his was a frog. Simple at times, wasn't it? He was great, wasn't it? Do you remember when he used to get buzzing about something?

He'd be buzzing about it for months not just oh I love this toy now and I'll forget about it in a week kids have too much nowadays

depends we haven't got kids like some you know some kids are like this is me doll and I take it everywhere and it gets absolutely scruffy

you know we just don't have kids you know a kid was like this is me blanket I carry it everywhere some kids do just latch onto a thing I was never I was never have I kind of want them new. Some kids do just latch onto a thing. No, our kids never have.

Ours never have. I kind of want them to though. Nah, because then if you lose that thing or you have to clean that thing, there's hell on it. I suppose. But then I just feel like they don't really appreciate anything.

I'm like, why aren't you besotted about this one thing? Because they've got other things as well and there's stuff going on and, you know, I don't know what it is. I think it's just a personality thing. Yeah.

I don't know. But all I know is, I've known people... Did you have a favourite thing when you were a kid? God, no. But I've known people whose kids have favourite things

and it's like, oh, this is a favourite doll or whatever. And they lose it. No. Yeah, well, if you lose it, it's a nightmare.

But it's absolutely a biohazard. Like, it's scruffy and they'll, like, wash it and the kids are like, no, you can't wash it. So it's like, well, you know. I think whatever your kid's doing, you'd find a thing to whinge about anyway true so they've got a special

sponge right one frog one fish one frog one fish one bath time she decided it would be hilarious to shit in the bath fantastic she was only two fantastic and horrified mom started taking them out she took my husband out first and whilst wrapping him in the towel little sister knew she needed to wipe her bottom. Oh no. She reached past her own fishy sponge and used the beloved frog to clean up. Oh, that is low. When asked why, she said, I didn't want to ruin my sponge.

Mom had to bin them both in fairness. He still hasn't forgiven her and we're nearly 30. Rosie, what's the worst thing you or your siblings have ruined for each other wow i love the idea that one day she's gonna need a kidney he's gonna be like remember the frog remember that sponge you bitch fuck you um i'm just trying to think what's the worst thing that we've ruined for each other well i i've said i used to graffiti my name all over the place yeah someone's done that who Who's done it? Someone told me a story the other day about the kids have started graffiti and stuff around

the house, but not their name. So I used to graffiti Kate and Kevin around the house. Of course you did. With compass. No, not a compass. What was it called? Protractors. Right.

Is that what they're called? I think they're called the sharp thing. Yeah. Is it a compass? I think it's a compass. Right. I can't remember. What's what they're called? I think they're called the sharp thing. Yeah, is it a compass? I think it's a compass. Right. I can't remember. What's it called, man?

I cannot remember. Things like that were just such a huge part of your life. Massive. For years and years and years. And I haven't drawn a fucking perfect circle

for probably 25 years. Do you not remember? Put the pencil in that bit and twist that end and put the sharp bit there and spin it. Magic. Motherfucker. Magic. Do you remember trying to give yourself tattoos though with it? put the pencil in that bit and twist that end and put the sharp bit in and spin it magic motherfucker

magic do you remember trying to give yourself tattoos though with it did you ever do that no I do believe that's called self harm

no well we used to scratch our name into our arms and then put like ink on it from the pen that is the scummiest thing

I have ever heard like like in prisons. I mean, it didn't really ever work because we never got deep enough. It's time to scratch the surface. It's scratch on top.

Oh, yeah, man, you've never lived. You never burnt yourself with a lighter, I bet you haven't, you fucking pussy. Never had a smiley, have you?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Have a go. Have a go at my non-mankey upbringing. You never, you never done yourself a proper have you oh yeah yeah have a go have a go at my non-monkey upbringing you never you never done yourself a proper you never done yourself

a proper tattoo like in prison eh it never worked I did bleed a couple of times though yeah that's what that's my memory of them

yeah that's that's but no so I used to go around the house honestly on so many things and then me mum would be like Rosie

it fucking says Kate what are you talking about it was me every time there's still my favorite thing about you and your sister fighting is the fact that once one of you swung a hair dryer around by the cord to hit the other one like in gladiator yeah incredible oh we were honestly we were awful that's why whenever the lads fight now, I mean, they are a lot younger, but you get really upset and I'm like, mate, you've seen nothing yet. Me and Kate would just be sat there, right? Not so much, Kev kind of got away with it.

He was very, our Kev's really tame little lad. He wasn't aggressive at all. He was actually, yeah, he just wasn't. I was probably the roughest out of the three of us. Yeah, I can totally believe that. We'd be sat, right? Me and Kate just watching the telly and we'd be having an argument

and we'd just be calling each other like a bitch, like mouthing it. Bitch, you bitch, right? On the sofa. My mum, I'm going to end you too. And then all of a sudden, if there was no one there, we're just like, I remember, just launching like remote controls off our face.

I swear to God so rough you've never known fighting like with a with a sibling wow so rough wow

she slapped me once when we were on our bunk beds because before we went to bed you know she was quite horrible but I was quite horrible back so we had a fight one night she slapped us

and so I spat under her pillow oh you are horrible I did and then on the night so i rolled me sleeves up and showed off me tattoos and then spat under a pillow but then you know what she did to me which was really quite cruel right because i was a bit of a wimp she would lie there she always had the bottom bunk right i never got the bottom bunk so she i had to go on the top which i never really liked anyway she would lie there and she'd go, when you're asleep, I'm going to come up and I'm going to hit you. And I'd be like, no, you're not. She'd go, yeah, as soon as you're in a deep sleep,

I'm going to come up there and I'm going to slap you across the face. It was horrible, so I couldn't get to sleep. Wow. Wow. Bitch. Horrible, that life. God, it is like prison. It's awful.

Honestly, Chris, it's brutal. Why do you think I'm so... Awful? No, not awful, just... Rank. No, what's the word? No, I'm harder than you. And I don't mean that in a weird way.

Honestly, take that back right now or I'm going to have to choke you unconscious. I think when you've got siblings, when you grow up with siblings, it's a... I can't describe it it's teaches you to fight suddenly the kreer twins story's making perfect sense teaches you to fight with each other never with anyone else but then weirdly if somebody started on them, I would, you know, go to death for them. Join in with the person. No.

Yeah, random. I'll fight. It's just, I'll spot them. Come round me and you will spit on a pillow later, person I've just met. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah!

Hi Chris and Rosie. I've been listening to episode 234 and the mountain bike injury and pseudocrime chat reminded me of a horrible day in my brother's life. Ah, okay. Do you remember that one

when he was putting Sudokrem on his balls? When my brother was about 15, him and a friend created a makeshift mountain bike course in my parents' back garden. Wow.

It really was as makeshift as it could have been. Plywood down the deck and stairs as a ramp, etc. Yeah. Tragedy struck when the seat of the bike both were using fell off. Oh, God. And the seat comes off and it's just literally a pipe. etc. Yeah. Tragedy struck when the seat of the bike both were using fell off.

Oh, God. And the seat comes off and it's just literally a pipe. A metal pipe. However, jumping over random shit in the garden

over a rusty pole didn't faze either of them and they kept going. Awful. It wasn't long before my older brother did a jump and the rusty pole made hard contact

with the flesh between his ball sack and arsehole. Oh, God. Get in the bin. And made him vomit for at least five minutes. That is the grimmest thing. My grandmother, in brackets, comes running out to see him, falls down the plywood, skids down the hill.

My grandmother, in brackets, who at the time was 85 years old, was the one looking after us. And she had no idea what to do. Not living near us, she didn't have a car with her. And being of the war generation, she didn't believe in making a fuss. So, how did she decide to tend to my older brother's bruised and bleeding gooch? Can you guess? The gooch as well.

That's so, so tender. Thin, isn't it? Thin skin. Oh, God. Can you guess what she put on to make it better? On his gooch? Uh-huh. Oh, something stupid like a tea bag or some cucumber or something.

No. No. Pseudocrem. That's not antiseptic. That's the barrier cream. Pseudocrem's not's not antiseptic. It's a barrier cream. Sudocrem's not going to do anything. You might as well have put fucking mayonnaise on it. Sudocrem on his arm.

On a cut, a rusty cut. Bit of Sudocrem on there. That'll get rid of the tent. What's it called? Tetanus. You might as well have put fucking... Oh, God. Coleslaw. She might as well have put fucking, oh God, coleslaw.

Talc. Talc. Gently applied with his shorts down his ankles, lying up my parents' staircase. What a beautiful image. You can see it, can't you? So is it two brothers?

I don't know. Is it the brothers that were doing it? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you not remember, Mam, when you were, I don't know if you were, because that were doing it? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you not remember, Mam,

I don't know if you remember, because you had siblings, so you didn't play at other people's houses, but I remember the most... I did. You had no friends. I didn't live with them. You didn't have any mates.

I had loads of friends. Of course you didn't. The awkwardness of being at someone else's house when they got hurt when you were a kid. When they're going to start crying, yeah. I don't think i would have recovered if i had to stand there while my mates and then i put pseudo cream on his goose while he was lying on some stairs i don't think i'd have come back from that

i couldn't have been mates with him anymore well 15 was piling age i was drinking at 15. He was 15? 15. Oh, so he's got pubes. He's got it full on the cock. He's got a button sudecremin, he's pubes. Nana. Nana. But you never know, you might have genuinely needed to go to hospital

and he's like, please fix me. He's just sudecremin him up. and he's like please fix me it's just Sudocrem and I'm up put a fucking nappy on him while you're at it

poor woman my grandma rubbing Sudocrem softly with her middle finger while my younger brother my older brother's friends and I

were hysterically laughing watching 15 years later my older brother now fastidiously checks that a bike seat is firmly secure

before getting on from anonymous that's wonderful that like hey funny 15 a bike seat falling off

and going to the pole going up my arse is one of my worst nightmares is it absolutely and obviously when I'm out

I just cycle I mean I haven't cycled for ages now but I just go I don't go for jumps and that like a lunatic yeah just in case I can't think of anything worsecled for ages now, but I just go, I don't go for jumps and that, like a lunatic. Yeah, just in case.

I can't think of anything worse. Do you know when I was in primary school, I think I must have only been about eight or nine. I fell over in the school hall, in the dinner hall. I slipped on some gravy and I fell on my back. Had you just dropped the gravy from whatever you were eating? No, I think it was from something else, but I fell on my backside. I just dropped The gravy from Whatever you were eating No I think it was From something else

But I fell on my backside I dropped my tray And everything right The dinner ladies Took us round Behind the overhead projector Like the white You know the screen

Yeah And pulled me skirt down And looked at me backside In the middle Like in the hall Where people were Eating on the other side Was the projector on

So was a big A big shadow of you Getting your arse Looked at by some dinner ladies But it stuck with me forever You know when you're like Anyone could have seen us With me arse looked at by some dinner ladies. but it stuck with me forever. You know, when you're like,

anyone could have seen us with me arse out. Yeah, and he fell on the floor with a look at your arse for? I think it was just in case it was like, God knows, funny,

wasn't it? It's really weird. Actually, do you know what it is, Chris? It's not weird. I think it's just modern day and it makes it feel weird,

but it wasn't. I was just a little bane and I'd fell over on me arse and they were like, let's have a look. Probably kissed it better. You know what it wasn't I was just a little bit and I'd fell over on my arse and they were like let's have a look probably kissed it better you know what it is the more I hear about your school

the more I do believe that there was gravy all over the floor everywhere it just feels like a kind of crack just big like wet floor signs

just gravy everywhere why is there gravy everywhere I don't know the gravy was amazing sour school innit I also have a very very vivid memory of did our school innit I also have a very very vivid memory of

did your school do seconds I packed lunch didn't I oh well me and my mate Ozzy and Wright I remember us

being among a very small group of the whole school who would stay behind to get seconds I'm starting to think the gravy was on your shoe I was starting to think

that gravy was running from your chin onto your shoe and you were falling on your own gravy that you were just producing from all of the food you were having. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap. Dear Rosie and Chris, I'm writing this on the train home. I wasn't looking where I was going whilst getting onto the train and face planted in front of a carriage full of people. So I figured whilst I'm down, might as well sink further. There's no worse than falling over in public in front of people carriage full of people. So I figured whilst I'm down might as well sink further.

There's no worse than falling over in public in front of people. I did it at a friend's birthday party. When? I walked into the room and I slipped

and nearly fell on my arse. Where was that? At Aaron and Ashley's. Oh, yes you did. I was like, you okay? I was like, no. Yeah, you fell out on your way in.

You fell out. Great. Anyway. Ick. I'm a very gassy person. Probably because I'm lactose intolerant and refuse to cut dairy out of my diet

that might be why you stay strong yeah anyway I was in my open plan rather busy office one afternoon a couple of months ago

and it was like a witch's cauldron brewing in my guts oh no I couldn't let rip in front of everyone so I did what I can only describe as forcing

the fart into my vag so I could do a gradual release later on. Goodness gracious me. I've never been able skilled enough to do that. Skilled? So we can act as a little

a little halfway house. Sometimes they sneak up in there and then you lose all of the power of it so it's just there and it just kind of comes out and stinks but yeah, suppose you could force them up in there

yeah goodness me what through the little slit goes in it's just spaces isn't it air can get into spaces

right okay so you can just hold them in there like a kangaroo holding its baby kind of I've archoned

but yeah I'm guessing good god like a pit stop. Like the bus that gets you from the airport to the plane. No. Yeah, just a little holding pen for your pumps. Well, maybe, yeah.

I can't do it, but she's obviously very... Yeah, but she can actually do... I can't believe it. I'm going to try next time. I'm going to try and hold it in and squeeze it up. No, no, I think that's dangerous. I don't think you should be farting. I never thought I'd have to say this,

but I feel like we should not be telling people to fart into their own vaginas. Do you think? That's a sentence. I've said some stuff on this. That's a sentence I never thought I'd have to say. I don't think fart gas is bad for your vagina. I feel like...

Glass vases, yes. Fart gas, no. Okay. Do you? Google? You must. Okay. Do you? Google? If you must. Where's my pen? Where's my pen? Where's my mouse?

Ready? What are you putting? Is fart bad for a vagina? I'm going to have to put private browsing on for this. I'm not having this on my computer. What do you mean? What's private browsing? Where it doesn't log your history. Oh, really? I don't know about that. It's not for your porn escapades, is it? Listen, listen.

I have never in my life watched porn. I don't even know. What is that porn? I've never heard of that. I don't know what to type. Type does... Do or thought bad for your vagina. Common and completely normal.

Is there bacteria? This is a nightmare. Is it normal for a virgin to fart? Jesus. It's fine. It's absolutely fine. Give up the quest. I had a one-to-one meeting with my manager that afternoon.

She came round and beckoned me to come to the meeting room. And as I stood up, I let out the loudest queef of my life. In my silent office, no one said anything but I just did the whole oh, my chair's stuck to the floor, must have been that. Or some shit like that. But as I started to move away from my desk, every time I moved my legs, the queefs were coming thick and fast. For God's sake.

Everyone just stayed silent as I queefed my weight and me and Ruth in shame. No one has ever said anything but I know they all heard. You can't tell by the way I queefed my water I'm a queefing girl No time to talk. Don't bother me.

It's alright. I will queef another day. You're going to want to understand. A queefing girl is not a shame. Whether you're a lover, whether you're a lover. Queefing a lad. Queefing a lad. You've got to finish the song.

No, it's fine. It's fine. Queef, queef, queef, queef, queef in your bum. Love the word queef, by the way. Oh, God. If we ever had any more kids definitely queef

queef queef Ramsey oh god babadoo babadoo babadoo ba thanks for listening to this week's episode

of Shag Mardenoid which is part of the Acast creator now every time I can't not do it without a Scottish accent I'm so sorry creator network

that's all good guys thank you so much for listening as always if you want to get in touch it's shagmountainhorde at gmail.com and shagmountainhorde.com

to scoop up the last few tickets for the tour which starts on the 15th of November it's going to be awesome we'll see you there see you guys bye

do do do do do do you're invited We'll see you there. See you guys. Bye. Bye. orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre

in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at TorontoRock.com.