Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 244. *QFTP Special*

Episode Date: November 17, 2023

The Shagged Married Annoyed tour is in full swing so this week The Ramsey's bring you a Question From the Public (Public Public PPPPPP Public) Special! There's strippers, pet shops, fun times up a mountain and a trip to Ayia Napa! Enjoy this week's special episode and Chris and Rosie will be back in your ears next week. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Denied with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Yes, and we're not here. Oh, we're... No. Technically.

I mean, we are. We're on tour. We're on tour. So this is an episode, a Questions from the Public special, which has been recorded the week previous. Just to sort of... It's a buffer. But we are going to be doing the podcast whilst we're on tour, so don't worry about that. Just not this first week, because it's absolutely nuts.

And I've got children in need as well. You have got children in need. Cheating on the podcast to help them kids. Yeah, it's what I do. When children need a call, I come a-running. Even moved a date for it, didn't I? You did. Look, cannot argue when BBC children in need need you.

Anyway. Loads of other people have asked. I'm not going to lie. Yeah, well, you know, I'm just... Gagging to do it. I'm not going to lie. Yeah, well, you know, I'm just, you know, I'm just, you know, I'm just a nice guy. It's pretty cool. Do you feel pretty cool

that your host children need? It's still ridiculous. It's still absolutely ridiculous that I'm one of the hosts that children need. It's still absolutely nuts. Yeah. Every year the interviewers

and they go like, are you excited? And I'm like, I'm not even excited because I always just think it's a wind up that I'm part of such a, I don't want to get too,

you know, and it's great. It's on tonight. If you're listening to this on Friday as this comes out, i don't want to get too you know and it's great what it's on tonight if you're listening to this on friday as this comes out it's on tonight so you know if you can help do if you can text in if you can give a couple of quid do but if not just enjoy the show i've got some mint stuff sometimes in life it's weird little things like that that you go oh my god i can't believe i'm doing this and everyone thinks well no that's a big thing but sometimes it can be something really silly like my agent

will ring me and she'll go such and such a beat and I'll go oh I'll lose my mind and she'll be like oh I didn't think it was that exciting

well it depends what's exciting to you doesn't it Lee my agent she's Australian so she doesn't have the same back reference as me

so she'll be like this programme's been in touch and I'll go oh my god I love that and she's thinking well it's actually

a bit shit but fine we're like but I love it but yeah no children is just one of them things it's just a bit shit but fine we're like but i love it but yeah no children is just one of them things it's just like a sort of institution in it british it's well cool but listen that will happen tonight now what's going to happen is you're going to hear some awful questions awful stories and awful tales from yourselves and we bloody love you for it so thank you very much and we'll be back with a proper podcast next week. I've got something else to say.

Have you? Don't cut me off. Look, I didn't, man. I think you're going to cut me off. Is that what they say? I don't know. Okay, good. I didn't mind it.

What is the word? Oh, I don't care. Oh, no, it's going to kill us. No, come on. Oh, shit. Didn't want to cut me off. You didn't have to cut me off. I don't know what it is.

I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is.

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I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don records I'm so sorry I forgot what I was going to say oh well done fuck you

sorry that was you fuck you that was you oh I've remembered great so how do you listen to this how the fuck

are you still listening to this I couldn't listen to this shit absolutely not oh no I could you know because I listen to some podcasts

and they talk utter bullshit and I listen to the full thing all the way through and it makes me feel better about this podcast because I listen to them and they they talk utter bullshit and I listen to the full thing all the way through and it makes me feel better about this podcast because I listen to them

and they just talk and mostly Real Housewives podcasts and they talk utter garbage about where they've been and what they've been doing and I think this is bullshit but I leave it on so I think ours is a little bit

more interesting. Anyway, I was going to say, some people might prefer these where it's just questions from the public. Yeah, yeah. Just depends what your bag is.

Less, less. That's all I was going to say. That was it. So, you were trying to make a point that people might prefer these ones because there's less blabbering from us. And what you did was extend our blabbering. Quick question.

Yeah. You know how I updated my laptop? Yeah. Where the fuck's Safari? It's gone. It's not on the bottom. This is honestly non-stop. This is non-stop.

So press, so there's a little key towards the top. I think it's F3, which it's a few little squares. What? Oh, no. Right. Do a, you see, do it with your hand. Do this off the head. No, no, no, no.

This is fun. So you see my hand, how I'm doing that. I'm doing like a... Oh, grab. Do a grab on your thing. Do a grab on your trackpad. Yeah, do a grab on your trackpad yeah do a grab on your trackpad there we go it's there right click on safari click on it yeah now it'll have it'll open no no it'll have opened but it'll also be in the dock on the bottom now right click double

click like two fingers click on the dock on the bottom all right fingers on the safari on go on safari and click on your trackpad two fingers fingers. Like that. And a menu comes down. Keep in dock. We'll be there. Press keep in dock. It doesn't say keep in dock. Okay. Well, I don't know then.

I'll have to come round. Oh, it does. Of course. You don't fucking read. You don't even look. You can't read. You don't even look. Honestly.

Honestly. No wonder IT people are so pissed off because they've got to deal with fucking fools like you all the time. It's time for questions from public. Oh, I don't even want to. I don't even want to. There's not going to be a podcast this week because I've got a nosebleed. Oh you all the time. It's time for questions from the public. I don't even want to. There's not going to be a podcast this week because I've got to nosebleed off you. I hope you do. We'll have a lovely time without you.

We had a fight about the jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. So this is the jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah

Jingle Hi Rosie and Chris I don't know, I haven't done it Oh It's time for questions from the public Questions from the public As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it's shagmarinoid at gmail.com Hi Rosie and Chris

All the stories of male strippers that have been coming up have inspired me to share my own story. So this is POV of a male stripper. Oh, he's a male stripper? Yeah. Fantastic. Oh, Robin keeps saying POV, like in real life. That's what I know.

He keeps saying bro and he keeps saying POV and I'm like, oh my God. Did we tell them about Postman Pat? I think we did, didn't we? I don't think we did. No, no. Watching an old Postman Pat. I'm sure we did, Chris. I don did, didn't we? I don't think we did. No, no. Watching an old Postman Pat. I'm sure we did, Chris.

I don't think we did. I honestly don't think we did. Well, you did, because I can't remember the exact word. I think we've told other people, but I don't think we did it on the podcast. Go on, then. Well, we'll put the old Postman Pat on.

Old one, yeah. Nostalgia. Nostalgia. Lovely. So gentle. So nice. He's talking away. Obviously, he's just got a little plastered smile on his face.

And Robin, out of nowhere just went bro's mouth isn't even moving for whatever fuck's sake I think it goes without saying I'd like to keep some anonymity

anonymity anonymity here so when I was in my early 20s I used to actually be a male stripper okay wow

don't judge I was a hungry student who didn't know used to actually be a male stripper. Okay. Wow. Don't judge. I was a hungry student who didn't know any better. Dude, couldn't think of a more terrifying job. Yeah, okay. Could not think of a more terrifying job. Well, I did, but I didn't care. It was mostly hen parties. I only did it for a year before I couldn't cope with it.

Wow. Aside from all the hard work you have to do to keep your body in shape, it was pretty difficult explaining to your flatmates why you have a collar and bow tie in your wardrobe. You mustn't have told anyone. Oh my gosh. Secret stripper. Goodness me.

Anyway, I digress. So this particular incident happened on a hen doom. Side note, people think men are pervs. Women are worse. Wow. I'll never forget

the sight of a woman sucking her drink through a dick straw while she's staring at me as I'm dancing around naked looking like she either wants to fuck me, kill me, eat me or all three. I can kind of see where he's coming from.

Some women go mad. Well yeah, in the mood and in the moment. It's a weird thing isn't it? You can say all women are worse but you know, I mean, he doesn't know what it's like to be a female stripper. He's seen women in that

scenario what do you always say it always goes down to the point of you know what's it like men are

men are stronger and men are more what's the word I don't know what you're talking about that doesn't matter I mean he's also

yeah he can be they can be pervy and stuff but he might not feel threatened because he's a man he's obviously a stripper he's a muscly blo pervy and stuff, but he might not feel threatened because he's a man. He's obviously a stripper. He's a muscly bloke.

Uh-huh. So she can look at him and he can be like, oh God, she's, but he's not, he's probably not scared for his safety. Yes, yes. Probably the dark for the podcast, but that's the point. It's not dark.

It's true life, Chris. Yeah, yeah, it's true. We are, women are scared. Yeah. I spend most of my adult life being scared, which is really, really fucking sad. Anyway. Anyway, the story.

As I was saying, it was a standard gig. Love how he's calling them gigs. There were around 20 women in attendance this evening at a church function room. Yes, seriously. There was a small stage set up, but with these things, you genuinely are expected to mingle amongst the crowd,

put on a show. I wonder who taught him to be a stripper it's a good question that's a really good question i don't know how you just your first gig as a stripper must be fucking terrifying oh god especially a private gig like you're not just at a strip club copying off everyone else yeah it's a private gig yeah oh crazy so i come out and i'm doing my thing i won't bore you with the incredibly embarrassing details, but needless to say, I end up with everything on show. Great. Now, the towel thing that was mentioned in episode 187, 186, it was a recent one.

Gosh, that's a while back. The towel thing was a common, a common, excuse me, a common occurrence at these gigs. I was working my way through the audience, getting grabbed and felt up by most of the women. I used the towel as a bit of a prop at times. No, Chris, I didn't floss my arsehole with it, but I would hide my dick

and sort of tease them with a little glimpse. I've remembered what I was talking about now. Okay. They said that they flossed their arse, they put it at the front. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's waiting for the Viagra to kick in. Oh, my gosh.

So he must have to take Viagra. Oh, my gosh. Well, he actually must be terrified. Yeah. Then, pow! Shock them with the fully hard dick. Shock them! Running out of it.

Oh my god! It says, I'm blessed slash cursed with an above average dick size. Size dick even. Which is one of the reasons I even thought about this line of work so it gets a bit of attention.

Okay, right. Then now it makes sense. That makes sense. But this particular night, there was a woman who looked in her late 30s, early 40s. She almost jumped across the table when she saw it. She started dancing and rubbing up against me. I think she might have had a

few too many drinks. Sounds like it. The rest of the crowd was a mixture of laughter cheering at the odd, embarrassed looks. This is when things took a turn. I'm there to be a piece of meat, essentially, so I usually go with whatever they want. Oh, God. This woman starts slowly wanking me off and then gets down on her knees. Never in the world.

So with the towel in my hand, I put it over her head and she starts sucking. In front of everyone! I notice the bride-to-be all of a sudden has this horrified look on her face. It's our mother-in-law. Some of the women around her start looking horrified too. I whip off the towel and the woman keeps going. Normally, it's a bit of a clue to stop, but she didn't stop. Normally, it's a bit of a clue.

It must happen all the time! What a ridiculous line of work you're in. Things are getting weird now because all the cheering and laughing are slowly dying down and more and more of the women are looking shocked. I feel like I want to die. I have to stop this. I want to die. I try to slowly coax her off my dick and lift her up and swing her around a little,

showing off the muscles. And I put her back down and start heading back towards the stage. I see out the corner of my eye three of the women dragging this woman back to her seat. Wow. What? I thought that's how it all finished. Brilliant. Jesus Christ. It was a small kitchen area. Brilliant. The maid of honour comes backstage to thank me for the performance and asks if I'd like to give her a private performance. Jesus Christ, these women need to get some dick.

Jesus. I'm saying nothing on what I replied. But I had to ask her what was all the commotion about with the woman. So, and bear in mind I'm 22 here. That woman was not in her late 30s, early 40s. She was in fact 59 years old and the bride's mother. Actual mother! Actual mother.

The bride's mother who was still happily married to her father. No way! Needless to say, I think the next morning was going to be extremely awkward. Then again, maybe it's like Vegas. What happens on a hen do,

stays on a hen do. That is mental. Oh my God., my God. Oh, my God. Yep. What do you make of that? Bit intense, innit? Bloody hell.

You all right? Actual, Matt. No, it just feels a bit... It's weird. It's weird, that. Is it? I don't know I mean yeah it is

but like you know what you don't know what people get up to imagine though your ma on your hen night just

oh no it'd be horrific I love that she just ran across the room just just like starving for it

I need it like a wrestler when they're going to do like an elbow drop from the i just imagine i like you know when they jump off the top of the ring and it's like yeah i just imagine i'm flying across the room like hilarious i need a toilet okay good stuff i'll be back in a minute babadoo babadoo babadoo back hi rosie and chris me and my partner were on holiday in a popular spanish, normally compared to Blackpool in the sun. Benidorm. Oh, is that where it is? Yeah.

Why is that bit secret? Why is that bit anonymous? I mean, I don't know. I don't know. We'll find out. We were on holiday in a popular resort, not seeing where it is, but it took two and a half hours to get there. We flew with a popular airline and we landed in a place

that rhymes with Gallagher. Fucking, what are you doing? We were out one night on the gay scene making our way around the bars. I didn't know Benidorm had a gay scene.

I mean, why not? Have you ever been at Maspalomas? Nope. Oh, it's brilliant. What is that? It's in Gran Canaria? I was going to say Gran Canaria.

I absolutely meant it. Me and my friend went there years ago. It must have only been like early 20s. Oh, one of the best holidays I've ever had. We just went to all the drag shows every night. It was absolutely mint. Got you. Class, class, class, class.

We entered this bar that is male only, adults only. When entering, the bar was small, darkly lit, with the bar running along one side. I don't like the way this is going. I don't like the way this is going. We ordered our drinks and pulled up a seat at the bar. Doesn't sound hygienic.

I'm just going to start it right there. It doesn't sound hygienic. Okay. Men only, adults, darkly lit. There's going to be spunk everywhere. Get a black light in there. There's going to be spunk everywhere. Come on, carry on.

My partner needed the loo, so off he went to use them oh god at this point it's probably important to say my partner always tries to go to a cubicle as he does not like

using the urinals but unfortunately the only cubicle was out of order yep the urinals in this bar were basically kegs but in half

and plumped I understand like plumbed in with a mirror running on the wall in front. Yeah, like hot kegs. Yeah, yeah.

So like sort of novelty urinals. Yes. A keg. We've got a mirror in front of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, there's a mirror in front of urinals. No, sometimes there is. Not all the time.

I was sitting at the bar enjoying my drink when I glanced up and saw my partner's flaccid dick urinating through a glass panel behind the bar. Basically, the toilets slash urinals were situated behind the bar with a one-way see-through mirror. Oh my God, I did not see that. That, I'd be fucking devastated. Imagine.

So when going to the loo, it looks like a mirror in front of you, but everyone in the bar can see you on the other side. This had me in stitches knowing how private he is. It's safe to say we had to stay for a few drinks to see the faces of others who unexpectedly pissed in front of a crowd that's horrendous is that legal i'm sorry that i mean what is that supposed to be sexy is it supposed to be a prank i don't know you know nothing makes me fancy another pint in a couple

of nibbles like watching strangers piss against a fucking mirror awful isn't it that's minging i'd be far i'd be heartbroken would you i'd be so sad i'd be but it would be quite hilarious if you sat there and like sadly he went the toilet as soon you go to the toilet as soon as you get somewhere it would be you yeah i would you'd be the first one i'd need the time i'd run into oh yeah devastated oh that's so fucking harsh I wonder if you could you could probably sue them for that do you think

yeah I reckon so yeah I reckon you could probably sue them for that now in this day and age 100% that bar won't exist anymore no this might be

in a long time ago no chance this Friday you must be very careful Margaret it's a girl witness the birth bad things will start. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't.

The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada

will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none.

Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game

and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontor rock.com. Hello, Chris and Rosie classic opening here. Long time listener. First time.

I have a story for you, which I hope will cringe you out as much as it still does me. Great. I was listening to kegs full of caca with a poor girl. Sorry. Bitter dates, penis off in front of his grandparents i don't think she bit it off do not remember that in i think she was in the car oh god and it reminded me of a time me and my boyfriend got a bit frisky in the car do you remember she was in the car and his grandparents had to come pick them up oh i do remember that yeah awful it's god for life yeah we both worked together at the time in a pet shop.

We were the second to last shop to closing in the evening at the retail park. So when we both got off at close, we would drive to the back of the car park and make out in the car. Oh, the good old days. Finishing at the pet store and got a make out in the car. Fucking hell. Stinking of fucking guinea pigs in that. Fuck, what? Why?

Oh, I can't wait. Oh, look at you. I can't wait. I can't... Question. You've been... You've been... You've been cleaning out the goldfish today.

You've been cleaning out the goldfish. You've been... You've been putting your fucking sawdust in the hamster cages, have you? You've got nice old sawdusty hands, have you? Get your sawdusty hands around this knob in the back of my

fiesta now they're just kissing I've got a question do pet shops still exist yes do they yeah are you mad

like little ones independent ones don't know pets at home massive there you go the big ones aye but the little ones

don't remember the little ones man we used to just go on a Saturday afternoon for something to do yeah there was one there was one I could charge yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah let's go and look at the hamster ones aye but the little ones do you not remember the little ones man we used to just go on a Saturday afternoon for something to do yeah there was one there was one I could charge yeah yeah yeah

yeah yeah go and look at the hamsters be like mum come and go to the pet shop just to see all the random shit that there was see all the animals yeah

no I don't know smell it can you smell it I can smell it yeah yeah I can smell it sawdust sawdust and hamster shit

hamster piss as well milky hamster piss white weird again a full day of dealing with all that would not want me i'd let you know me i'd be like should we go and make out in the car i'd go let's go home and

have showers first then let's make out so exciting isn't he can you imagine being married to this yeah this is our life yeah you are you know um bridesmaids yeah you know when she's with that guy never seen it oh well you won't know okay good chat that's you yeah you know that thing you haven't seen yeah she basically hates him because he like makes her shower all the time before sex i should let you all know just to wind chris up i don't shower before sex at all just scruffy really showers in real life do it all the time yeah we both lived with our families and it was early days so didn't want to bring each other home yet also for reference our colleagues had suspected there was a romance but we had been denying it as we didn't want to be the center of the works gossip oh well yeah parking around the back of

the shop best place to park if you don't want to get found out idiots anyway it was around november time so the lights had pulled in is that a thing the lights the lights had pulled in you mean it's dark nights yeah the lights had pulled in you mean into dark nights into dark nights yeah the lights had pulled in that might be a thing that people see in that area

where they live the nights had pulled drawn in like drawn in nights yeah the nights are drawn in nights or lights the nights

or nights the nights had pulled in mmhmm okay like I'll allow it but I'm not happy with it I know what you mean. We say some fucking random shit on here.

So this might be a thing from bloody Lancashire. The knights had pulled in. It just sounds a bit Lord of the Rings, that's all. Do you know what I mean? It is. Frodo, make sure you take the ring to Mordor before the knights pull in. Yeah.

I like it, actually. I'm going to start using it in sentences. Do you know what it is? Annoyingly, I quite like it as well. How are you feeling now that the knights have pulled in? I i'm gonna start using it in sentences you know it is annoyingly i quite like it as well yeah how are you feeling now that the knights have pulled in i'm gonna start i'm gonna start seeing it regularly people around here and judging their reactions knights have pulled in haven't they i'm starting to strangers yeah just wait we got finished at work and as usual drove to the back of the car park things had progressively been getting steamier so i thought

i would speed up the process and before leaving for work I got changed into lingerie under my work clothes what in the car park went in the car after about 30 minutes

of chatting and laughing sorry sorry nothing says sexy than getting changed into your lingerie in the fucking break room of a pet shop I mean

there's making out in a car and then there's getting sexy lingerie on for a car that's a bit... I'm happy for that. No cars have got windows.

30 minutes of chatting and laughing, we started making out. I took my clothes off and surprised him. I'm just getting you in the front seat. Hang on a minute, I've got a lovely surprise for you. So ridiculous. One minute. It really takes away from in a film

when they come round the bathroom door. Yeah. Just fucking in the passenger seat. Don't look, but ta-da! Foot up on the fucking dashboard. Closing a pile in the bloody footwell. As you can imagine, this went down well and we were doing more than smooching. More than smooching, I've never heard the likes of it. I went down on him and as he was reaching to the good part,

someone knocked at the car window with a torch pointing straight at us. Fantastic. We immediately panicked thinking it was a colleague spying on us and I was even more devastated to find the police telling my partner

to open his door. He quickly pulled up the front of his pants. I tried to grab my clothes to hold over myself and cover up the fact I was sitting there in stockings

and a sexy bra and Nick had said No I'm so embarrassed for yous. I'm so embarrassed for yous I'm so embarrassed for you. The police officer wiped his finger across the window and said, What are we up to in here, guys? Wiped finger. It's a bit steamy.

Oh, Jesus Christ. I just sit there in silence thinking I'm going to prison. And my charm-talking boyfriend has a conversation with him saying, We're just finished work and we're just chatting. After questioning the way we work, the officer then recognises my partner and said, oh, his name, you sold me a hamster last week. And started asking us questions about the best care to give his new friend.

He's got a fucking hard-on. He's got a hard-on. She's in lingerie. And he's like, oh, well, yeah, the two of them are nocturnal. So you can train them, but not to do tricks and stuff. And yeah, sometimes they won't eat it. They'll put it in their cheeks and then it'll be in their house and stuff. Make sure you change the pattern in the house every couple of days.

Oh, fuck me. He eventually leaves us full of knowledge and myself full of shame, but prison free. He came in again the week after with his family and I served him on the till and he gave me a wink. Needless to say we didn't do that again and I now have a phobia

of dwarf hamster healthcare. There you go. I was a dwarf fast then. Russian dwarf hamsters. Fast little fuckers. That's what I used to have, yeah. Yeah, fast as fuck then. Not fun.

Not fun at all. Oh no, no. Hamsters, they don't want to be there. They do not want to live in your house. I am fully against pets who are just trying. No. Hamsters, they don't want to be there. They do not want to live in your house. I'm fully against pets who are just trying to escape the whole time. They don't want to be there.

You can't cuddle a hamster. You can cuddle rabbits. They don't like you. You can. You can. What's my hamster called again? Oh, my God. No one cares. My cousin's got guinea pigs and you can cuddle them. So, yeah. Fair enough. Guinea pigs are loud as fuck. That's a guinea pig? Rosie, i thought there was one in the room thank you fantastic unseen thank you thank you

i think that's what them two sounded like in that car hi i'm drunk when sending this so now so no i probably shouldn't be doing it please keep me anonymous fantastic let's quickly get this out there before they retract it so at the age of 18 we went on the traditional girls go midway what does that mean girls go midway i think she's pissed so i must just mean go away as a girl's holiday girl's holiday girls holiday i was gonna i'm not googling girls go midway i'm not googling that at all fucking knows what that'll bring up no we were in iron apple and partook in the traditional events however my friend was feeling particularly promiscuous

and met a man on the second night she went back with him and had a very boring non-story shag however listen listen listen they don't all have to be disgusting and screaming and stuff getting stuck off people's arses and fucking condoms flying off balconies. Sometimes they can just have

a nice little sex and then they can go home. Yeah, very non-story. Yeah. Has to be a little bit of a story. No, it doesn't. At least a bit enjoyable. Sometimes you can just go

and have a bit of holiday eyeing up a missionary and back out on the strip. Oh. Listen. Well, she hasn't enjoyed it, I don't think. Right, well, I don't feel okay, but you have to enjoy it. We decided to go out the next night, and we were in a club.

She was getting with the man in the corner of the club, having an excellent, slaggy time, when the guy pulled out a used condom from her vagina. The end. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, God! Oh, for God! end oh oh oh oh god oh for god i'm just glad they used a condom oh but yeah don't store it afterwards why is it left inside how does that happen some people are disgusting some people Oh, disgusting. Some people just use their vagina as a little wardrobe and I'm not okay with it. Fucking forward-focused glove box. Oh, God. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Just listen to episode 179 where Robin's latest thing is to pretend

he doesn't know Chris in public and scream, claim stranger danger. He hasn't done that one for a while. Thankfully, he stopped that. Yeah. Oh, that's horrible. I know. That was horrible.

The things little kids say. It reminded me of an absolute gem from one of my year one students. Obviously, please keep me anonymous because I'm a teacher. Of course. Earlier in my career, I used to have to visit a very posh private school

and teach groups of little year ones the recorder. Can you imagine the hell? Thank God those days are over. My favourite part of any lesson private school and teach groups of little year ones the recorder can you imagine the hell thank god those days are over my favorite part of any lesson is always asking the kids if they have any questions inevitably they are always questions and inevitably the questions are never actually about music or even anything to do with anything but it's always a great way to find out the gossip on what's going on at home because of course we, we all know little kids can't lie. I dread to think what Robin tells his teachers about us. Oh, God.

I swear to God. Just last night, you were wearing one of our shag-maridonoid onesies around the house and I did the design for the back and I say, like, you fucking giant baby, but obviously it's F star star star I-N-G. He knew what it meant. He said you got the F word on knew what it meant he said you got the

f word on the back of there i know well now shagged i'm sorry shagged is the word is everywhere in our house because it's all you know all the stuff that we've got plus all the graffiti and you do you write of course yeah yeah shag shag shag um he now just says it all the time he's like shagged i'm like you can't and he says he says is it a bad is it a swear word and I'm like not really but it's an adult word it's just not a great word I mean we should have thought ahead

they said when we told our management that we wanted to call this podcast Shag Married Noid they said do you know what my dad wrote the porno

had a couple of had a bit of bother we shouldn't have done it but here we are why because it's well we've just done a radio ad

for the tour and we couldn't even say the name of the podcast on the radio and the amount of times would be sometimes you get on a radio show with Chris tour and we couldn't even say the name of the podcast on the radio and the amount of times would be sometimes you get on a radio show with Chris Evans or someone

and he's like you know he's the man and he knows that you can say it once on his show and you get away with it it actually just means tired though if you take it into that

yeah it does mean tired and he's like you know I'm Chris Evans I'm going to say it on my show and I'll deal with it if it happens

but you know most people go we're not saying that fair enough we did a full run of press when we first did the podcast I'm Chris Evans. I'm going to say it on my show and I'll deal with it. But you know, most people go, we're not saying that. Fair enough. We did a full run of press when we first did the podcast. Loads of TV shows going, we can't say the name of it.

Oh, and now a kid fucking says shagged every five minutes. I know. We didn't think it through. We didn't, but that's fine. It's too late now.

So back to the teacher, teaching the year one kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I once got to the end of a lesson and asked if there were any questions. A little girl piped up, Mrs. C c how old were you when you got big boobs oh my god stunned i thought on my feet and quickly did some great teaching about what is and isn't appropriate question to ask and stuck in a bit about body image and how it doesn't matter about big boobs big boobs small boobs tall

short big small round flat All bodies are healthy and amazing and it doesn't really matter what they look like. Hey, fair play. I was feeling smug. Too right. About how well I'd handled it and the little girl clearly felt bad for asking because she said,

it's just that you've got big boobs and you look younger than my mummy and she only got big boobs on her birthday last year. Oh, great. Oh, that's wonderful. and you look younger than my mummy and she only got big boobs on her birthday last year. Oh, great. Oh, that's wonderful. Needless to say, I spent the next parents' night trying to subtly check out how good a job her surgeon had done. Moral of the story, kids notice everything

and it's a guarantee that they'll tell their teacher, even if you ask them not to, absolute gold every week. Wow, wow, wee, wow. That's perfect. There's nothing I can say to've got there's nothing i can say that that's fucking perfect i love that must be lush you know going from no boobs to having boobs yeah lovely because i've got boobs and i would cut them off oh don't no i'll not cut them off i would make them smaller i would get a reduction no i don't do that either i would i actually would but it must be like must be lovely if you've never had boobs because obviously some people don't have boobs at all and then if they get a bo. But it must be lovely if you've never had boobs. Because obviously some people don't have boobs at all.

And then if they get a boob job, it must be lush. I think it would be weird. Yeah, it would be weird, but nice. Hard to get used to, I suppose. Very confidence building, I suppose. Maybe. If it's all you've wanted. But the grass is always greener.

Grass is always greener on the other side. Yeah, that is true. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah! Hi Chris and Rosie. I'm a fairly new listener and currently on episode 58. Oh, my God. So I'm not even sure if over 200 episodes on, you're still doing questions from the public.

Yes, we are. Yes, thank you. Or if you will even read this, as I imagine you must be getting hundreds and thousands of emails. Well, I've got a lot, but don't worry. Here you are. I think my story is perfect for the podcast, and Chris especially will enjoy the grimness.

Okay. So here goes. God, so this is Chris, 58 episodes and Chris especially will enjoy the grimness. Okay. So here goes. God, so this is Chris, 58 episodes in Chris. This is a different guy. This person is listening to a different guy. All right. I've got two kids now.

I've done a run on Strictly. I've been through a pandemic. Oh God. I'm now, you know, just different. I've been through bikes. I've been through fish. I've been through bikes I've been through fish I've been through

golf I'm now literally checking the clock because I'm going to go to after this oh my god I'm a different

I was a full time stand up comedian when this happened this is alright Jesus Christ what is this I just can't we're all different

we've all changed I might be offended I might be triggered I might cry you might when I was 17 I booked a course of sun beds

in preparation for my 18th birthday okay great I'm 36 now so a long time ago I used to go on the sunbeds all the time I wouldn't dare now

yeah yeah yeah I'd been going on regularly and got to know the girl on reception quite well oh that's a bad sign so

what I used to get given offers and I used to win prizes I'll stick you on number nine. There's been loads of people in there the day.

It's nice and hot. It's boiling. It's boiling. I'll turn it up a bit for you because I know you. Did it make any difference if it was hot? I just found it worse.

I saw you in a little sweat, didn't you? I did. You started a cold night. Look, they're bad. They're terrible for you. But you know, in the early 90s,

we didn't know. Fucking unbelievable, man. People go for the gym, to their home, tea, straight out on a night simpler times stinking though remember how stinking you'd be

oh the smell the rank one afternoon on my way at the sunbed shop on the bus from sixth form I needed a wee and didn't have time to go to school

or I would have missed the bus I decided I would go when I got to the sunbed shop I walked into the shop and to my horror it was a young lad working behind the reception I was so shy in my teens I daren't ask him if I could use the shop and to my horror it was a young lad working behind the reception. I was so shy in my

teens I didn't ask him if I could use the loo. So I got my tokens and went into the sunbed cubicle and locked the door. Oh god almighty what are you going to do in there? Oh no. The cubicle was a circular shape with a mirror, a pot of wipes a chair and the stand up sunbed. I used to go on the lie down

once you know. Pure lazy. I used to lie down. Standing up as little I used to lie down me standy up as little sock over cock and bollocks standy up as nice nice nice I tried to put my ever growing need for a wee

average size sock over cock and bollocks no you said small you said small edit that last bit out edit that last bit out average size fuck that might as well go

edit this bit out as well massive sock over cock and bollocks continue I think I got away with that well done I think you did really well I tried to put my I edited this bit out as well. Massive sock over cock and bollocks. Continue. I think I got away with that. Well done. I think you did really well. I tried to put my ever-growing need for a wee

to the back of my mind as I undressed and walked into the sunbed. As I stood there with my eyes closed, dancing around, trying to remember the radio you'd be on, trying to distract myself, the need for a wee became so bad, I had to go.

Good God. As I didn't want a wee on the floor and faced the young man outside cleaning it up. Horror. I made a split slash panic decision as I jumped out of the sunbed. Where do you think she's weeing? The little bin that you put your little eye goggles

in. Is that what you're saying? Paper towels in. Oh God, I don't know. We've had people shite on these on a story. We've had a story before of someone shitting in something. something so this is we're going to talk about full hog here you ready i was tucked away on it yeah it was our own tip away oh god i made a split slash panic decision as i jumped out of the sunbed okay you're wrong well picked up the pot of wipes took the top off and peed into the pot oh do you know the wipes that you pull out? I know the wipes you mean, yeah, yeah. Oh no! Then I,

oh my God. No. Then I replaced the lid, pulled a wipe through the hole in the top, got dressed and walked out. I never returned to the shop. Piss wipes? Piss wipes? Piss wipes? Why didn't you take them with her? Because then the guy catches you and goes, why you got them? You go, I'm taking them. Well, you can't take them.

I would have pissed at them what oh god oh god oh god oh god oh it's horrible oh oh that's horrible

the poor person who went into that cubicle for the foreseeable and used a wipe would have used a wipe saturated with my urine that is such such chemical warfare

moral of the story don't ever use communal wipes and never will again oh that's so right. These are really wet, these wipes. Much wetter than usual. Yeah.

And even though I wiped the thing, it still smells like piss. I know. If anything, the more I wipe it, the more piss it smells. I've got a cut on my hand and it hurts.

Actually hurts when I use them. Oh my God. Is there light in any area? Are these yellow wipes? These look yellow. Oh God, that is so disgusting. Are my eyes going funny off the sun better? Are these yellow wipes these look yellow oh god that is so disgusting my eyes gone funny off the sun better are these yellow do you know what's weird i find

a lot of things just go obviously everything we talk about on here is disgusting but that's really shocked me yeah that's yeah well again people get upset by different things but yeah that's upset me that like that's upset me quite a lot it says i would say please keep me anonymous but my dad used this story in his father of the bride speech at my wedding and presented me with a pot of wipes labelled Emma's personal piss pot

so everybody knows anyways everybody had their own wedding oh mate the reason my parents know is because my best friend's parents are also my mum and dad's best friends so when I told her she told her mum and dad

who then told my mum and dad in case you so when i told her she told her mum and dad who then told my mum and dad in case you were wondering oh gosh filthy grass sabotage filthy filthy grass snitches get stitches babadoo babadoo babadoo bah hi rosie and chris hope you're both well a few weeks ago i had something happen to me and thought this story is perfect for the podcast okay so me and my partner have a seven month old baby so everyone knows by 10 o'clock we are going to bed. Absolutely right.

That's even late. It's quite late actually. We're currently on a half nine rotation. We're loving it. But how much better do you feel for it? I had nine hours sleep last night. I feel like I'm Superman.

I'm telling you now, right? I'm not trying to preach here but I've been knackered for years and I'm always like, why am I so tired? Just need to go to bed earlier. Get to bed earlier. You're not missing anything.

There's nothing on Instagram. Everything's on demand on the so tired just need to go to bed early you're not missing anything there's nothing on instagram there's nothing everything's on demand on the telly now fucking go to bed early man just go to bed early change my life i love it i know you guys can relate to this yes we can we love going to bed early so 10 o'clock comes and we were just about to go to bed when i get a phone call from my friend i thought this is strange so i have to answer because something might be wrong thank Thank God I answered the phone. My friend says I need your help. I said of course what's wrong? I could hear her and her partner laughing and saying that their car had broken down on a mountain.

I was so confused and asked why they were there. They burst out laughing and said why do you think? Bear in mind my friends are in their 30s, own with their own home and have three children. I burst out laughing and ask why on earth they decide to have sex on a mountain in the car. What the hell? They reply because they can't have sex in their bed because of the dog.

So I go up the mountain and pull up next to them to see my friend only wearing a hoodie and Crocs. No knickers or anything. Where's her clothes? What a romantic Friday night bonk. They've gone to the car, in the car, to a mountain to have sex. Where's the kids?

Where's the dog? What, has the dog babysit the kids like fucking peanut pan? I'm guessing the kids must be getting babysat. This is their Friday night out, but they've just gone to a mountain to have sex in the car. And why do these people all live so close to a mountain? I don't know. Why is it like, we're on a mountain, so I got to the mountain. It's like a fucking kid's story. Is it a mountain or is sex in the car and why do these people all live so close to a mountain why is it like we're on a mountain so i got to the mountain it's like a fucking kid story is it

a mountain or is it a hill i think this is a hit i think you're really overselling this mountain i don't think this is a hill this is a hill unless they live in edinburgh and it's like oh their seat doesn't make can't drive up off the seat can you not no it might be like we live near cleeden hills not amount i'm not having a mountain i'm not having that they've popped to a mountain and that 10 minutes later you're at the mountain so I got to the mountain it's literally like

a fucking kids book it's like literally the next page so we're on the moon no you've missed out a large chunk of the story here

there's no real huge actual punchline in this I just thought you might find it interesting I find it yeah it sums up parenting

it does literally they've gone out in a car again because you can get rid I just thought you might find it interesting. I find it, yeah, it sums up parenting. It does, literally. They've gone out in a car to, again. Because you can get rid of the kids from the house to have sex. You can't really get rid of the dog, can you? No, you can't go take the dog as well. Because your mum and dad would be like, why are we looking after the dog? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're just staying in the night and you go, well, because the dog licks his arse every time we try and have sex. Okay, I'll take the dog with us. The dog needs to go. You're not getting the dog back. You'll not see this dog again. Poor dog. Come on, come on. They'll lick anything, dogs. Yeah, don't take this as a compliment, mate. You haven't got a lush

arse, they'll just lick anything. It's not your arse. They're either on shit, man. And your cock's not massive, I just exaggerate things. That's not even a mountain round, it's a hill. The next day me Crocs and another friend went out for a meal

when Crocs partner rang her when we were in the car so I shouted top shagger and then she said here is the best shagger bout next thing you know

we hear ma'am there's only a seven year old son on the other end of the phone we were mortified so there you go they're coming to Cardiff in November

so we'll see you there. Oh, brilliant. Top shaggers. Yeah, we'll have people looking around the car park to make sure you're not bonking in the old Ford Focus outside. So there we go. Fantastic. No mountains in Cardiff.

Oh, well, there you go. It's a hill. It's a fucking hill. It's a hill, man. Unless they're from the valleys. Might be from the valleys. That might make more sense. So they have to go.

Yeah, it's very, there's a lot of stuff going on there. Wheels in it the valleys that might make more sense so they have to go yeah it's very there there's a lot of stuff going on there wheels in it yeah could be a mountain I take it all back wheels mountains dragons there's all kinds

there you go loads of stuff isn't there thank you for listening to this week's episode of just questions from the public because we've started with two and

we're a little bit busy but we are part of the acas creator network so you didn't forget well done if you want to get in touch shagmarinoid at gmail.com if you want to hoover up

the last few tickets you know we've got Liverpool coming up we've got Leeds coming up we've got Nottingham Sheffield Birmingham not many for London

don't know if London's happened yet for when this comes out can't really just go on the website and see what's there and we'll see you there and if not

we'll be back in years next week bye bye and see what's there and we'll see you then. If not, we'll be back in years next week. Bye. Bye. Bye. the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game game and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com