Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 245. Serial Sanitiser

Episode Date: November 24, 2023

This week the Ramsey's record the podcast on the road! The tour is in full swing but Rosie is still getting to grips with the geography of where they are exactly. The pair manage some tour beef and they also discuss the pros of having parties when there's no kids allowed. All of this plus some brilliant QFTP's including a story about women, a flip flop and some serious exhibitionism. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game

and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com Hello, you're listening to Shag Maradonoid on tour with me Rosie Ramsey and my husband Christopher Ramsey. Hello, yes, we are on tour. We are on tour with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello.

Yes, we are on tour. We are on tour. We are currently near Bournemouth. Are we in Bournemouth? Just outside Bournemouth. Just outside Bournemouth. Good God, you are. On the way to the venue yesterday, I had to show Rosie a map because we could see the sea as we were driving along the coast of Bournemouth, and you had no idea where we

were in the country. I had to show you and zoom out and go, there we are. Right, okay. Unbelievable. My knowledge of the UK geographically is horrendous. Terrible. And considering, right, this is what makes it even worse. I just thought it is my ignorance, right?

Categorically 100% your ignorance, yeah. The job I had, honestly, for about, how long was I in bands? About three years of my life. Yeah. I used to tour up and down the country. Like all over. Rosie, was it side to side? Was it across the country?

It might not have been up and down. Rosie, it might have just been up or it might have just been just down. I can promise you now, it was everywhere. I went to Devon and everything, man. And I just used to get in the van. Could I drive then? Just passed me test, I think.

I could drive. You didn't pass a test in Rhodes? No, so this was, this was after Rhodes. Was it before? Anyway,

before and after. Intermittently, I did it before and after. Right. I'm starting to think there was some illegal driving happening here.

No, so this is, I'm talking, I did more touring. Stop me right there. Lads. Oh, fuck. No, okay.

I can't be bothered. Oh my God. The SWAT team, actually we're in a hotel. The SWAT team, fuck. No, okay. I can't be bothered. Oh, my God. Actually, we're in a hotel. The SWAT team don't know where we are. I used to drive to the van. So I would drive me little shitty fucking Ford Fiesta to the van. How dare you? To get in the van.

Yeah. Rip Elnor. It was not that Ford Fiestas are shit. Just that the particular one you had was shit. It was horrendous. We've talked about it before. You had to climb in the passenger door. Yeah, I was 10 years old.

Very embarrassing when I met you. God, it's familiar to me. Yeah. But yeah, so I had two head all around the country only problem was you didn't know where B was

I didn't I just used to get out and be like where are we and then the person driving would say we're here and I'd go

right Jesus but back then you didn't have your phone with maps on right so you couldn't

you couldn't be like oh yeah but you know what the shape of the country is and you know realistically where like north, south, there. Yeah, but you know what the shape of the country is and you know realistically where north, south, east and west is and you know where things are. You must have seen a map in your life.

Of course. I say it ignorantly and lots of people listening will be the same. You kind of know where you are. You know where Scotland is. You know where Ireland is. You know where Wales is. You know where London is. And everything else is just in between.

Huge apologies to everyone else in the country who's just been fucking brushed over there. No, but everybody else in the country will know where they live, and they'll know where everything else is. But the older you get, so I'm 37 now, the older I get, the more, so now, listen, I could tell you

I know where Manchester is, the Lake District, Birmingham, you know, Devon, and Bournemouth. Hull you I know where Manchester is. The Lake District. Birmingham. You know, Devon. And Bournemouth. Right. Hull. I know where Hull is. Right.

I know where all the big ones are. Where's Hull? It is. Why did you put me on the spotlight? Because you're giving it the fucking biggin'. You didn't see it because obviously we don't record this. We're the only podcast in the world that doesn't record it. But she was waving her arms around like a fucking emperor, giving it the fucking biggin'. You didn't say it, because obviously we don't record this. We're the only podcast in the world that doesn't record it. But she was waving her arms around like a fucking emperor,

giving it that, telling it... It's on the coast. Pull up in the air. Down from us. It's on the coast, down from us. If you just went in a straight line, down from us, you'd be there. Us.

Bournemouth. Newcastle. Newcastle, right, yes. Correct. Thank you. Correct. Okay, where's Norwich? Why are you doing this?

Why? I don't know where Norwich? Why are you doing this? Why? I don't know where Norwich is. Where is Norwich? Where's King's Lynn? Outside of London. Whatever it is outside of London, you fucking cheater. Right, good. I don't know, where is Norwich?

So tell us. Norwich is sort of Suffolk slash Norfolk. I think it's Norfolk on the basically Lancashire no like above where Essex and stuff is that little sort of

Southside London gut of no no like above there and towards the coast the bit where it goes in where it goes out oh god this is

this must be painful to listen to this must be painful to listen to oh my god it's just one of the things I'm honestly quite good at other stuff

but I don't know why it's one of the things that I'm honestly quite good at other stuff, but I don't know why. It's one of the things I can't remember places. I've mentioned this before. A lad in my geography class at school supported Manchester and the geography teacher was so annoyed that he supported Manchester. Every day he pulled the map down and tried to get him to point at it and he never got it right.

Yeah, you've totally, totally spoiled it. The second time he did it, we were like, ah, it's obviously, glory spoiler it's fucking like the second time you did it we were like ah it's obviously look you'll get it nah

didn't get it oh it was fucking mean anyway what Rosie is trying to get at in a very roundabout way literally going round the houses going round literally everywhere in the entire country

apologies to everyone we did Hull last week two shows in Hull thank you so much for having me on you were phenomenal Bournemouth

amazing crowd for a Monday and a amazing crowd for a Monday and a Tuesday night for a Monday and a Tuesday I've told them on stage no right being that good they were so good thank you so much

so good so yeah thank you very much that was last night and the night before so as we record this this is Wednesday and yeah

we've just had two good nights in Bournemouth and we're sitting in the hotel I've done my little set up sorry if it sounds slightly different I know there's people out there who'll be like

it sounds eh I get it I get it when a podcast I hope it comes out in both the ears let's hope it comes out in both the ears

let's hope this is actually recording you know but there we go if it's not happy days we'll just do our best of yeah

this is episode 245 nice thank you very much for coming thank you for being here thank you for being part of this again a very special thank you to the people who come

to the shows but also the people who come to the shows, but also the people who put their beefs for the show and everyone who sends in questions from the public. They're different every night and they're electric on tour. So thank you all so much. But without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative sponsor.

This week's sponsor is... Smelly Pillows and Bed Sheets. Oh. Oh. Hey, hey, hey. Checking into. Oh. Oh, hey, hey, hey. Checking into your accommodation. Oh, look at that. Looks quite nice.

Oh, my gosh. What's that? Open plan kitchen. Oh, they've got all the curry. Oh, they've left us some biscuits. That's fantastic. Oh, clean towels. Oh, what a lovely day.

Climbing to bed. Oh, my God. It smells like greasy fucking hay. Yeah. He's talking from personal experience because this happened to us last week. Oh God, it was so bad. We had,

it literally smelled like, have you ever stayed at someone's house? No, because it was like getting in someone else's bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was like getting in a bed that someone else had just been sleeping in

for a couple of weeks. Wasn't good. Oh my God. There was hair in there. Hair, well, I went to take one of the pillowcases off. I was like, is it just the pillowcase?

Big clump of hair inside the pillowcase. How that got in there, I don't know. What have you been doing? This might relate to some of the pillowcases off, I was like, is it just the pillowcase? The big clump of hair inside the pillowcase. How that got in there, I don't know. What have you been doing? This might relate to some of you. If you, this is me in our relationship, okay? So I'm normally the sort of, oh, what the fuck is that? Coffee machines just turned on.

It's a coffee machine, apologies. I'll turn it off. Fuck do you think this is? Oh, while you're over there, go get us a Barocca, please. Get us the Barocca. God almighty. Needing a Barocca at the minute, guys. Need that vitamin C.

Yeah, so, in our relationship, I am the karma downer. Right? Yeah. I am. She's the karma downer. She's also the worst at Scrabble.

Yeah, I don't even know about that. Karma downer. So, Chris was losing his mind in this bed, right? And it smelled, it just got in someone's bed, right? It was something like, maybe they had cleaned the sheets, but maybe they'd been there for a while, and maybe the bedding was so old that it just... I believe the sheets were clean,

but I think the pillowcase and the duvet cover were clean, but the duvet and the pillows were so festeringly rank that a clean pillowcase couldn't do anything about it. Yeah, it was awful. case and the duvet cover were clean but the duvet and the pillows were so festeringly rank that just a clean a clean pillowcase couldn't do anything about it yeah it was awful i've stayed in student accommodation that's not nice yeah same chris was losing his mind right oh i was to the point and i was secretly inside i was right but i was like rosie you need to just stay level-headed here because he's going to want to pack up all the shit and leave and i couldn't be asked it was half 11 at night it was half eleven at night.

It was half eleven at night. So we'd just finished the first gig, right, the first arena show of We're Live Tour, and I was fucking knackered, but devastated, right? So I took my dressing gown with us, so I gave you my dressing gown to put over your pillow, and I was giving it there. It's not that bad.

I'm fucking dying inside, right? It's not, Chris. It it's fine it'll be fine so I put a top like me pajama top over my pillow and we did sleep we did manage to sleep because I was like the bed was the bed was actually mad comfortable so well slept in I imagine that mattress was uh originally a good three or four inches taller than what it was but I think it's been battered down like a bit of fucking you know when the you know when the brave bit of meat yeah little hammer yeah totally and so the next day our fabulous uh tour manager and well Paul it was Paul actually who's not working for us currently at the minute he went he's just got another job that sounds like no it's like something terrible happened we're sacked no he's got another job he's not working

with us at the minute because of various reasons. Very unprofessional. He's on another podcast tour. Fucking piece of shit that he is. How dare he. Cheating on us. Dickhead. Do we dare say?

No. I don't even think we should mention it. I don't even think we should mention it. It's so disgusting. He's on the off-menu tour. Bastard. So anyway, Paul kindly went out and he got us like all new bedding.

So now, now we have a full new set of bedding that we've got nothing to do with. It's a door. You're not keeping that. You're not keeping that. People who we rented that place off. So yeah, I mean, we left that place with more stuff than we went with.

It was ridiculous. No need to fucking, now we have a king size duvet. It's always that thing. There's always something in your life. No, you can be riding as high as you want and there's always something to take you down. You're like, yeah. Hey, good night.

Holy, you've been incredible. What an amazing crowd. Oh, let's have a drink. Hey, we're on an arena tour. Oh, night, night. Oh, for God fucking damn it. Sleeping on your dressing gown. I used to,

so back in the day when I used to stay at friends' houses and stuff, because I've always been a fucking fanny if something smells I'm proper like I'm not anyone listening thinking I didn't even

lie in a smelly bed like fucking fame's got to amaze change I've always been like that when I was a kid and I'm sorry it doesn't matter how much fame you've got

I'm sorry yeah you can be on the bones of your arse your bed still smells lovely yeah yeah yeah it's got nothing to do with that. It's fucking cleanliness. Even when I was younger,

if I would stay at people's house, all my mates, when I worked at the Stadium Light, and I used to go out in Sunderland with all the lads from Sunderland, everyone used to take the piss off us because there was always a sleeping bag in my car. I always had a sleeping bag in the back of my car because I'd drive to someone's house

and then have a few drinks. I'd be like, well, I'm obviously not going to go anyway. So at one point I upgraded to having the sleeping bag and like a yoga mat so i had a yoga mat to steal so everyone else was just like students just crashing out wherever rock and roll i was just like of course you did put my yoga mat down um is there is anyone got a small hand flannel for me face you've always been that person everything in the back of me i went into full i'm gonna have to just bullshit you yeah yeah you did your bullshit quite a lot

about yeah it's actually quite worrying how well you lie to me no no it's just when there's bad situations that i know that i can handle better than you i do just lie i just so you feel better when i'm okay yeah yeah if you're okay i'm all right yeah yeah but if you're not all right i can't make you feel better i have to then feel yeah if you're okay I'm alright yeah but if you're not alright I can't make you feel better I have to then feel worse than you no no so yeah we actually had an argument

discussion it wasn't an argument a discussion the other week where I did say who's there for me there's no one there for you in my little family other than like

my mum and my sister in our actual family of you and the kids nobody is there for me if i'm falling apart yeah nobody's there to pick me up if you're falling if you're falling apart you better not let me know that you're falling apart because i'll fall apart more oh god what did you die of strength we've done it again we're doing another long intro It's quite all there from inside

We've done it again We've done another long intro Shall we play that jingling crack on? Yeah let's I'm going to down this barraga Oh Down it Down it

Anyway Do her life Do her life Don't choke on that barraga When you start it down Because I'll get one And I'll choke more I'll choke worse

We had a fight about the jingle Jingle We couldn't settle on a jingle worse. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Mountain Oid. Hope you're JINGLE! you know i thought i was doing the right thing by saying i just want my children to be happy right okay so i mean and i don't want them to have sorry footnote before we dive into this um now and then i'm sure yeah now and then we'll see ridiculous things on instagram like ridiculous ridiculous quotes of like things like oh don't you know don't health shame people and don't there's all kinds of weird like people take a weird strangely small idea and then run with it until it's big and stupid and pathetic and we saw one that was you shouldn't want your children to be happy because that's too much pressure to put on your children because if they're not happy they've let you down go and fucking jump in a big dirty puddle face first a big pothole a big pothole in the middle of the road that's got big brown water in it can't stand on the biggest fucking thing you can find dive up

and make sure you land face first in that you lunatics do you know it was the comments that fucked me off more though the comments going I've thought this for ages

what pressure you know what honestly if you ever come to talk to me in a bar don't just fucking don't because I do not want to

hang around with people like you but that's all I'm saying so I said I hope you're all in tip top health and people could be like I'm not in tip top said, I hope you're all in tip-top health and people could be like, I'm not in tip-top health

and I am a, oh, fuck off. But listen, like, it's, but it's like, you just hope everyone's okay

and your kids, you want your kids to be happy. You want, like, but that's, if you, so if your kids aren't happy, what,

then they're not happy and then they're like, I'm letting you, no fucking kid's gonna be like, I'm letting you down because I'm not happy. It's, wanting your kids to be happy

doesn't make you, mean you're putting pressure on them. It just means you want your best for them because you love them. Some people really go through stuff with a fucking microscope. I don't know if they've got time. I want my brains to grow up and just be content, whatever they do, whether they're fucking tip-top. What's with tip-top? Why have you said tip-top like six or seven times?

What have you seen that said tip-top? Have you got word-of-the-day toilet paper and tip-top was today and with tip top why have you said tip top like six or seven times what have you seen that said tip top if you got word today toilet paper and tip top was today and you're trying to get it horrible no either there could be bloody doctors there could be ceos of company or there could be like a delivery driver for you know amazon or they could work as long as they are happy yeah doing whatever job they want to do and as long as they've got a nice life nice little house I just that's all I want from me Burns

and I don't think there's anything wrong with saying that yeah I mean I think to be fair if you're sitting there going no I want them

to be CEO of a company no I want them to be a doctor no I want them to be a lawyer I think that's I kind of don't to be honest with you oh god yeah you said fuck it

I've never met I've never met a lawyer who's happy no I don't no offence to lawyers out there if you're a happy lawyer email in sh said, fuck it, I've never met. I've never met a lawyer who's happy. No, I don't. No offence to lawyers out there. If you're a happy lawyer, email in. Shirebringernaughty.gmail.com. I'm sure there's lots of happy lawyers.

But all I'm saying, I don't want them to be stressed in life. High-pressure jobs. We currently have a high-pressure job. But they might fucking love that, though. They might love that. They might want a high-pressure job. Yeah. All we're saying is, stop writing stupid fucking stuff on Instagram, right?

Because you fucking want off. Yeah. And we'll see it, and we'll sit on our own it and we'll sit on our own and we'll stew about it and we'll get angry and then we'll try and speak it on here and it doesn't come out properly no i can tell you right now everybody else does as well yeah normal folk yeah who i think normal folk listen to this podcast and i surround myself with normal folk a lot of my friends at certain times in their life have to delete instagram yeah or come off it because it's just too it's too much man yeah it is it is you've got to be able to see you've got to be able to see through the bullshit i'm quite good at seeing through the bullshit so i saw that post

and i didn't think i didn't feel bad because i see that my kids being happy i thought you're wrong whether that's my arrogance or you didn't know you didn't comment you didn't comment you're wrong no i didn't i just in my brain went you know what you're wrong two points i'll give you two points but i am going to deduct a point because you used the word fork like three times in that sentence and i've never heard you say four what's wrong with four just didn't like it sounded weird is it because we're down near the southwest is it because we're down near the southwest of the country and you started saying folk i was enjoying being down in the southwest? Is it because we're down near the southwest of the country and you started seeing folk? I was enjoying being down in the southwest of the country

and I loved it here and I will come back and visit. And yet, no one in Bournemouth sounds like that. I don't even know what they sound like in Bournemouth.

It's quite posh here. It's lovely. I know what the laughs sound like. Am I right, guys? Yeah? Oh, God. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. What's going on

apart from being on tour? We haven't mentioned That we had a party for Kate Because we skipped a week We did skip a week We had a party for your We had a party for Kate Sister

It was lovely We went to Coleman's For food Beforehand By the way If you're listening Kate Happy 50th It was a great night

40 Such a good night I can't believe Happy 60th birthday Kate Great night I can't believe I've got a 40 year old sister right

it's disgusting what are you talking about my sister is 40 years old wow wow fucking hell yeah

what happened what I think my most vivid memory of my Kate and the age I'll just always remember her is like

12 right yeah she's 12 and I'm 10 or 9 that's it forever

forever what the we're at the lake district right going to Peter Rabbit World where's the lake district on a map

west right from us right opposite us okay what's above

Carlisle is it yeah it's wrong about the Carlisle area it's above Wales it's like above yeah yeah very good

above like Manchester and that no well done well done thank you the test will keep coming I'll just pepper I'm going to pepper them

throughout the podcast do you know what it is I'm trying to make you a better person no do because I want to know all of the places listen if you ever did that celebrity hunted

you'd be fucked you wouldn't know where you were going I got asked to do that yeah I've been asked to do that before I've been asked to do that i think i said yes and then looked into it and then phoned them up and went actually no that that sounds horrible i don't like people running after it i told you this i honestly i love it i love watching it it's a great show it's just sometimes like same as i'm a celeb someone asked us we watching watching a bit of i'm a celeb at the minute because we've actually got some well on the tellies in the hotel.

They're in they've got the ITV plus one and the ITV two plus one. So you watch a bit, you watch a bit of it when you get it on the show and we don't have to get up early for the kids. So we watch a bit of that. But people always say, when will you go on that? Never in a million years. I couldn't do it. They're all fucking they're all absolute animals when they get in there. Yeah. Like what's his name?

Who? Humes. Marvin Humes. I'm terrified of heights. I'm terrified. Yeah. Like, what's his name? Who? Humes. Marvin Humes. Oh, I'm terrified of heights. I'm terrified of heights. Two seconds later, he was doing a fucking skydive. The willpower. But the difference is, I am genuinely shit scared.

I couldn't do that thing off the tower. The difference is, he's genuinely shit scared. They're all... You see, that lass was shaking so much when she'd done the tower thing. Apologies, I don't know her name. Like, the one at the... Which one? I'm sure she won at NTA.

She was from EastEnders. The blonde lass. Oh, I'm, I don't know her name. Like the one at the, she won the, I'm sure she won at NTA. She was from, from EastEnders, the blonde lass. Oh, I'm so sorry. What's her name? Yes. We're bad. Yeah, I can't remember her name.

But she was shaking, like to quote Peter Kay, she was shaking like a shitting dog. But they all skate, but the thing is they go, no, I've signed up to the show. I'm going to do it. Britney Spears sister,

I've signed up, so I'm going to do it now. I couldn't. She can fuck off. You can't say that. I can. Why? Because. Why? Because. Because she's absolutely sponging off our Britney so I'm going to do it now I couldn't you can't say that I can why because why

because because she's absolutely sponging off our Brittany and I'm sorry our Brittany I'm sorry no not having it

sorry sorry whatever say what you want no nah that's okay you know

I'm not no no disrespect like no disrespect apart from the fact that you said she can fuck off no but listen

I am nowhere near near near any kind of fame as our like Brittany but imagine my kid hopping in the jungle

yeah she's well past it now she had her 60th the other week no but they go they go with that mindset of I'm in it now

so I'm going to do it and it's such a fucking incredible they switch it off they switch the fear off and they go I'm on the show now and the no people are watching and they go I can't do it I couldn't do it when I did such a incredible they'd switch it off they'd switch the fear off and they go i'm on the show now when the no people are watching they go i'm not i can't do it i

couldn't do it when i did the extra camp thing when i did the extra camp on itv too with joe and stacy and vicky and they were like do that bit there wasn't as much pressure on you though i don't know whether i still couldn't i realized then i'm glad i got that try at it because i would go in i'd go i'd definitely i'd do the jungle and the fit i'd go i'm not doing this and they'd be like what do you mean and they'd have to do it yeah chris isn't doing it but they're getting paid a lot of money yeah but then it cuts to Ant and Dec Ant and Dec are disappointed in us

I couldn't live with that I couldn't live with Ant and Dec being disappointed I don't know I think they're thinking of the paycheck because you

don't get paid unless you're in it I think you don't get paid if you leave I don't think you get paid of course so they're doing it

I think you've got to get voted out for the moolah I don't think anyone goes in there to like find themselves yeah I believe they might.

You never know. I think you're being cynical today. I think it's your new words, tip-top and fork. No, I'm sorry. You're telling me that they go in there just to experience living in the outback. No, do they fuck? They go in there because they're getting paid money,

which absolutely... Do you know what it is? That's their jobs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you do. And they're earning good money, so good on them, and they're entertaining the masses.

I'm not slagging them off, but you saying that they're going in for an experience is utter bollocks. No, they're entertaining the masses. I'm not slagging them off but you saying that they're going in for an experience is un-advanced. No, I didn't mean that. I didn't mean that. I meant they can switch the fear off. Even if I couldn't do it for the money,

if someone said, do this thing that you absolutely hate but you're going to get paid for it, I'd go, I'm alright. I'll pay you not to let me do that. Well, that's fine though. That's the way you want to earn your money. Back to what I was saying

about Celebrity 100. Oh yeah. You not being chased. My favourite bit of Celebrity 100 is where they fully trap them down in the end and they know where they are. And then they're just like, the cameraman's gone rogue and they're just running in a field. And the people are chasing them and they're like, ah!

And it just turns into a game of TIG. It's fucking amazing. That's what I would hate. Oh, I'm hiding in this barn. And they come out. They're opening the door of the barn, run out the back. Ah! And it's like, stop running. They've barn and they come out they're opening the door of the barn run out the back and it's like stop running

they've caught you I get it I would be I think I'd rather do that than the jungle though I couldn't have the creepy crawlies on us how do they do it? but the thing is

I would sorry the rat that would get me I'm still talking about Celebrity 100 here I'd want to cheat at that I'd literally like the producer

and the cameraman who are with you I'd want to go stop at a service station I'd go I'm just nipping in the toilet mic literally, like the producer and the cameraman who are with you, I'd want to go, you know, stop at a service station. I'd go, I'm just nipping in the toilet, mic off,

run out the back and just hide on me own so the cameras aren't even with us. Oh really? And they go, he did Celebrity 100 so good, the people who were with him, we lost him.

Like he's actually gone and then just stay missing for a few weeks. That's how you do Celebrity 100. Because neither of us have done it. I think this is why we might not get asked to do certain things

because we actually tell you all about it on here. So yeah, we always, we can have done it. I think this is why we might not get asked to do certain things because we actually tell you all about it on here. So, yeah, we always... We can't hold our water. We always spill the beans. Because neither of us have done it, we don't know. But do they act... Is it like...

Is it dead serious? Because when you did Time Crashers, you genuinely got your phone taken off. You're like, you're not allowed... So there is certain things that are very strict and they really stick by the rules but then there's other programmes where they're like

fast and loose yeah I know what you mean so I don't know whether that is fast and loose or whether it's really I think like Celebrity Bake Off I think they get a bit of help do you know what I mean

and shows like that some shows yeah Celebrity MasterChef I think you get a bit of help yeah you think I can sew yeah yeah you did sew but you got a bit of fucking help

not much man I did all the machine stuff did your shite did your shite if you were doing that machine on your own you'd have fucking been straight at A&E

Chris I did it on my own you'd have been straight at A&E no don't even you'd have sewed your hand to your thigh Chris I did that machine by myself so

no I'm not having it I fucking did I'm not having it I did I'm not having it great good for you what are you going to do what are you going to do

I did no okay I'm joking that was a year ago shit wow yeah I don't know about Celebrity 100 but like I say What are you going to do? What are you going to do? I did. No, okay, I'm joking. That was a year ago, shit. Wow. Yeah, I don't know about Celebrity 100, but like I say, I was in talks to do it once and I went,

ah, this is giving me anxiety already. This is terrifying. I'm worried for getting chased all over the country. Well, my thing more was I got asked to do it, but I didn't know who I was going to be with.

And I was like, what if I'm just stuck with someone who I don't like? And what my actual, what I said to Lee, my manager, when she asked this, I went, no, because if I'm with someone who I don't like. And what my actual, what I said to Lee, my manager, when she asked this, I went, no, because if I'm with someone who's a really fast runner, I'm going to look ridiculous.

And it was last year and I hadn't been running long. It's all about running, Chris. I'm not going on there and being, oh, here you are, here you are with bloody... You're sitting bald. You're sitting bald. Fucking Sally Gunnell I would

I would fucking love to see you and Mo Farah together on Celebrity Hunted just oh there they are

let's go he's just fucking steady he's steady up the dual carriageway just one pacemaker you're just fucking sweating dropping bags being sick on yourself. We get caught and Mo's like, I think I could have done a lot better without this.

He comes back. Oh, we're both caught then, aren't we? Oh, fucking hell. There's me doing the M. Come on, do the M. Don't do the M, it's copyrighted. Get your hands down. You've really let yourself down.

You don't deserve the M. Come on, do the M. Don't do the M, it's copyrighted. Get your hands down. You've really let yourself down. You don't deserve the M. But the Great North Run more. Don't speak to me about the Great North Run. What I was going to say

before we got, you know, distracted about all that. Oh, about Kate's party, is this? Kate's party. I don't think you know this. Honestly, I don't think I've been to a better 70th party in my life. Stuffer.

He really goes with the joke, doesn't he? So I don't know if you noticed this. You probably did because you do notice stuff. We went back to our house. Everyone got pissed.

They didn't leave till bloody three in the morning. I was furious about it. I was, just cards on the table here. I was really, really, really spearheading

the campaign of people to go from midnight. You always are. You always are. From midnight, I was spearhead and let's all go, everyone. I did a bit hoovering. No one really listened. You're such a selfish, miserable bastard. Because if you were at the UFC with all your bloody daft UFC

mates, you'd have stayed up till five o'clock in the morning drinking. Not in my house. Fair enough. Anyway, did you spot me nana videoing, right? Right. Me nana, I swear to God, she was videoing me all right so it was me and

me cousins just all pissed having a dance because we always have a good time when we get together yeah she videoed for

about 25 minutes I swear to god like just she will have the longest video she videoed practically half the party and it's just

it's just mental and I feel like I need to say this video because it was just don't let me be there it's like a fucking wedding mental and I feel like I need to say this video because it was just so don't let me be there it's like a fucking wedding video

don't let me be there when you watch that oh my god and I guarantee she'll be watching it she'll be lying in bed watching it yeah

love you Nana yes she's lush it was a very very good party I did enjoy it it was frightening how tidy your house is in the morning when kids aren't at your party

oh my god yeah holy fucking shit didn't invite any children. No children because it finished late. And there's a ton of kids in our family. There's loads.

Everyone's got at least two kids. Yeah. Everyone's got at least two kids. It fucking, I don't know the maths on that, but it, you know, it multiplies the amount of people at your party.

If you invite kids, you're inviting an extra 16 people, 16 kids about. You're more than, you're more than, yeah, you're more than yeah you're more than doubling who's going

watch the maths on that there's a fucking there's a there's definitely an equation for that if every single person doubles it no you've lost us I've lost myself

but yeah mental absolutely mental obviously you're doubling it and then again so yeah you're adding 100% 150% I don't know

anyway ridiculous the next morning just quick hoover around couple of glasses in the dishwasher happy fucking days adults are so much more respectful of your house than kids

I know kids don't give a shit they're just fucking cake like bloody cake into your carpet and shit and ugh yeah and it was a good night

we had a good time it was very good and Kate again 80 years young many happy returns you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi kesh her way the visionary behind

the groundbreaking song exploder podcast and netflix series this unmissable evening features her way and toronto symphony orchestra music director gustavo jimeno in conversation together they dissect the mesmerizing layers of stravinsky's the Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock

hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride

and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care.

From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. It's time for What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef,

beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Stop that. Right. Ladies first. Hang on, let's just say beef. Stop that. Right, ladies first. Hang on, let's just say I've got loads. Have you? Yeah. I mean, I can go. I can go first if you want.

Okay, then. I can go first. Yeah, yeah, go on. I've mentioned before, getting ridiculous now, chargers. Oh, for God's sake. No, no, no. I literally saw everywhere we go. We get to a hotel, Chrissie got a charger. We're in the van, Chrissie got a charger.

We get to the venue, Chrissie got a charger. We're in the van, Chrissie got a charger. We'll get to the venue, Chrissie got a charger. I literally, I bought you, I bought you to a charger. I bought you to a charger for your iPad and to a charger for your phone and I bought you to a charger for your laptop. What will we do? Why were we late to start recording this podcast today? Because you wanted to know where the charger was.

Because you didn't know where your charger was. Because you wanted my charger. Sick of it. Stop it. You notice how I'm just sitting here silent like I'm... Why are you not

charged up like? I just don't understand why I can't use yours. Why we can't share? Because we can't share. The same stuff? Because I specifically got you one.

Listen, the only child coming out in him. It's disgusting. It's not the only child. It's the organisation. I've organised it. This is work. We've got a charger each. It's the one fucking thing you organised it. This is work.

We've got to charge at each. It's the one fucking thing you have organised in our life because what else have you done? Before we left, what did you do for the kids? What did you sort out for the kids before we left? Again, general vibe. Did you check all of Robin's uniform? Yeah. Did you pack his swimming bag?

Yeah. Yeah? Did you get snacks in for all of his snacks? I looked after them while you were doing all that. Did you send off his menu for his school dinners ooh no did you pack Rafe's nursery bag

to make sure that it was all done no did you sterilise his dummies before we left I did wash some dummies did you get him new nappies and put them in his bag yeah I bought

I went to the shop to buy the new nappies remember well done on the shopman list that I wrote for you I wrote that one I wrote that one

no you didn't yeah I definitely remember because it was in I did because it was in the right order of the shop I did write that one no you didn't I'm telling you. I wrote that one. I wrote that one. No, you didn't. Yeah, I definitely remember because I did because it was in the right order of the shop. I did write that one. No, you didn't.

I'm telling you, I did. You have not wrote a shopping list for yourself in years. You can wind your neck in, mate, because that one, I went to the Morrisons in the morning and then, like some kind of lunatic,

I went to the Asda in the afternoon. Oh, yeah, sorry. What did you buy from the Asda? How many things did you buy? Food colouring, advent calendars, nappies, bang.

Three fucking things. On a book. That I told you about. Two Diary of the Wimpy calendars. Nappies. Bang. Three fucking things. On a book. That I told you about. Two Diary of the Wimpy Kid books. That I told you about. But I wrote them down as my point. So I'm taking this tiny little victory. Oh God.

Right. I'm putting little cracks in your argument. Little tiny holes that I can peek through and go, ooh, bullshit. They're not going to work because sadly at the minute, not to try to be. I did the recycling. Well done.

Thank you. That is your job though in the house. I'm not congratulating... I did the recycling. Well done. Thank you. That is your job, though, in the house. I'm not congratulating you for that, because that is your responsibility. Well, all that other stuff is your responsibility.

Oh, God. It's exhausting, you know. Yeah. It's actually exhausting. Okay. You never mention it. Well, it's just, you know, I didn't want to get

fully into this, but at the minute, we are working exactly the same. Once upon a time, you used to work more than me, and I was happy to pick up the sack. And you are still making up for that.

No. That's our try. Don't. Because I was also having children at the same time. But I didn't mind that because I thought, well, you're working. I'll do the house. Because I think that is fair. I think whoever's working, if someone's at home more, I do think that.

And whether that's a female at work and a man doing it at home, it works either way. Do you know what I mean? But right now, I work more than you. That's offensive. It's true. Because I'm getting all of the questions for the tour. You know the tour now.

You just turn up and do it. Yeah. But I also, on top of all of that, am doing more things in the house than you. I think you'll find I did Die Hard. I saved Nakatomi Plaza for Die Hard for Sky. That's all done. I did it. I was doing that.

Listen, it would actually get serious if we stay on this subject. And let's not. Let's try and stay light hearted. But it's a bone of contention in our house. Sort your chargers out.

Just sort your chargers out. And millions of other houses across the world. Just sort your chargers out. That's all I ask for. Just sort your chargers out. Fuck you. Fuck your chargers.

Fuck everything. I will let, honestly, despite you and your stupid fucking chargers, I will let everything that I own run to zero, and I will live with nothing. Just to fuck you off. The day you let that mobile phone run to zero so you can't sit on it, I will be the happiest man in the world.

Yeah, I'll be glad, because you know what? You can answer all the emails from the school. You can go on the school WhatsApp group. You can stay in charge where your parents invite you. I'm not going on a school WhatsApp group. Not a fucking chance am I going on a school WhatsApp group. Big up everyone on the school WhatsApp groups. I feel your pain.

Not happening. Never. You will never get me on that school WhatsApp group. Right, listen, I've got a beef with you. As well, all of that. I feel like you've already had a beef. Do you want another one? Yeah, go on.

Okay. Oh, that's an ick. I'll leave that one for next week. My feel like you've already had a beef. Do you want another one? Yeah, go on. Okay. Oh, that's an ick. I'll leave that one for next week. My beef with you, Chris, is you... Right, it's really bad. And I'm married to you, so I'm like part of you. And people, when you're married to someone, they become you. Oh, I'm worried now.

Right? Okay. Every time you meet someone and shake their hands, you sanitise your hands while they're still there. When have I done that? All the time. Name the last time I did that. The other day.

What? You literally, you don't even know you're doing it. You'll meet people, right, and you'll shake their hand and then you will search for sanitiser and you'll do it whilst they're there and inside i'm dying really yes when is it i can't you do it all the time i do sanitize quite regularly you do it all the time i think sanitizing is great but don't do it while they're still once you've met when you met someone you shake the hand fucking wait till they've left before you wash your hands

like because you're literally saying to them i think you're a scruffy fucker hold on are you talking about um the other day when our management brought people backstage to see us yes right you do it you do it all the time cards on the table i'd had a piss and then they came in so the i i was sanitizing my hands after my piss but their handshakes came in between my piss. So you shook their hands with pissy hands? Yeah. Oh, God. I know exactly what you're talking about.

Yes, I had a piss, and they're like, hey, here's everyone. And I was like, oh, God. So I had to shake everyone's hand, and then I was like, oh, I didn't wash my hands after the toilet. And then I had to, and then I, so, yeah. So if you're listening, hope you're sanitized straight after shaking. For sake.

But, well, no, but you have done it in the past. I don't think I have. I think it's that one time. That is so you. Anybody listening to this will know that that is so you. Anyone who knows you personally would bet 100% that I am right on that. Because you do. Yeah, you might be right.

You do it subconsciously, but all I'm saying is, and it's fine. Sanitize your hands. It's really good, actually. Do it. But don't do it subconsciously but all I'm saying is and it's fine. Sanitise your hands. It's really good actually. Do it. But don't do it while they're still there. Listen, you know what it is. Rude.

A bit rude darling. Okay. Just manners. Okay. Right. But right. We're all aware that I got worms once

off someone at a meet and greet aren't we? Yes, I know. But just do it when they're gone. Alright. If I had met someone and I shook their hands

and they sanitised their hands straight away i'd go you and i would tell everyone i met that they were rude don't you ruin this double act for me because we're very different and that upsets us sometimes because i sometimes think people meet you and think that i'm the same and we're not we're completely different yeah look i still love you. It's the opposite. It's a tract. Yeah. Wow. But you know. I don't think I've done it that many times.

I definitely did it that night. It wasn't that night that I wrote it down. Really? You do it all the time. Wow. You do it all the time. I think when I'm on tour, I'm even worse though, because I know that if I'm ill one night, there's nothing worse than having to go on stage when you feel like shit.

But you don't even do it. You don't sanitize your hands discreetly. You put it on and you rub it in, you move your watch down and then you hold them up, you know, your head so it flies. Like a surgeon, yeah. Is it, I also,

I mean, I probably shouldn't be, but is it also because I flick the sanitiser from the bottle onto the people who I'm talking to and I shout at the top of my voice, the power of Christ compels you. The power of Christ compels you. Yeah, I'll stop doing that.

I'll stop doing that. Your mother sucks cocks in hell wow babadoo babadoo babadoo bah it's time for questions from the public

questions from the public public just in the little gap there though I was just thinking about me sanitising as soon as I

because there's a video that I don't think you've seen Rosie it's Robbie Williams it went viral years ago it's a video I think he's doing some festival somewhere and he comes down at the front of

the crowd and he touches everyone's hands and they're all holding their hands out and he's like I'm loving angels instead and he's like touching everyone's hands and then he steps back and literally is immediately given some sanitizer and sanitizers in front of every single person yeah it's great yeah I'll post the video yeah I haven't watched his documentary yet you won't let us will you we can't watch it while we're on tour because you'll have a breakdown. But yeah, that was a... Yeah.

I just... Do you know what? I'm sorry. Some people are fucking... I've seen people, you know, like fucking go to the toilet, walk out without washing their hands, which is clearly what I may have done that night. People scratch their... They put their hands down their pants, they scratch like their bear ring and then they're like hello, good to meet you and you're like oh you've just gave me

worms. I love hands yeah wash your hands I think it's great but don't do it when, just please. Listen if you're a person out there who knows me and I've ever done that right in front of you, I'm really fucking sorry but I can't have a conversation. He just knows he does it with everyone. If I know me fucking hands I'm monkey, I can't concentrate on anything that I'm being told in that conversation

I will just blank out and they'll go what do you think that and i'll go i don't know what you just said because all i'm thinking of how many germs are on my hands you're talking about a man who can't watch people eat a bag of crisps on the television i can't watch yeah yeah again said it before that scene on gavin and stacy when uh ruth jones and uh james corden when they're eating the kfc oh yeah i've never had it never, it's like nails down a blackboard. I'd say I lose my voice when I'm talking about it's like nails down a blackboard.

I have to fast forward. I've never seen that scene. I've never seen it. It's a really good scene. It's apparently really funny. It's apparently great. Iconic. Some might say,

can't watch it. I love Gavin and Stacey. Can't watch it. Great show. I might watch that again, actually. All right, good. On your treadmill. No, at the minute,

while I'm getting ready to do the tour i'm watching like feel good sort of programs just to get us in a good mood because usually i'm i watch very dark stuff but i feel like before the tour i need to watch uplift and stuff so so so far i've watched first wives club and then yesterday i watched a film why can't i remember the name of it was ryan gosling and it was like um it was just friends or something it was back in there it was in the 2000s it's a really good film okay it's a teenager he was just friends or something. It was back in the, it was in the 2000s. It's a really good film. Okay. It's a teenager.

He was a bit of a geek and he was a bit overweight and he fancied like, his best friend was like the really popular girl. You've never seen it, have you? No.

No. Anyway, he loses all his weight. And I bloody love Ryan Gosling. Yeah, it's really good. Seems like a nice dude. It's good.

Seems like a nice dude. Anyway, listen, questions from the public. Yes. If you want to get in touch, it's shaggedmaridanoid at gmail.com.

Don't forget, we're still taking beefs for the arena shows for the gigs if you've got any beef and you're going to be at the show can't even remember

how you get that to us survey monk it was in my bio but I've just changed my bio I've changed my bio to the tickets link

because there's like a really annoyingly small amount of tickets left for each show good seats as well there's still good seats left. Well, because, oh God, I didn't know this was a thing, right?

So, until now, obviously. There's like a block in like block A or whatever of one of the arenas. Right. Because C tickets or whatever have released them. They haven't sold. Yeah.

So I've dealt with this for years. So sometimes, yeah. So you've got your ticket sort of, you know, your ticket sellers yeah vendors vendors or whatever yeah you've got a ticket master see tickets and all that they take tickets to sell and if they don't sell them all they give them back and they're always in fucking amazing so if you see a sold out venue but then there's a big line in like row b you go yeah that's from ticket master so always check for where they are but there's still some genuinely great tickets left for... There's not many.

No, but there's very few for London. We've got Sheffield, Birmingham, Liverpool. There's a few for Manchester. Leeds, a couple for Manchester. Glasgow's sold out. Wembley's basically sold out. Both Cardiff's are sold out. Both Newcastle's are sold out.

One of the Newcastle's says it's not sold out. It's basically sold out. There's like one seat left somewhere. But hey, if you want to go on your own, happy days. Anyway, look, if you want to get in touch, shagmaryroad at gmail.com some stuff gets read out on the tour some stuff gets read out here

the stuff that gets read out here is about to be read out of the face of my wife take it away ew dear Chris and Rosie long time listener first time emailer

I have a story for you from my recent trip to the Philippines it could even be a Rosie's Mysteries let's have a fucking Rosie's Mystery then well I never knew that

but we do Rosie's Mysteries on the tour don a fucking Rosie's Mystery then. Well, I never knew that. Well, we do Rosie's Mysteries on the tour, don't we? But we're allowed to use the music. There's a smoke machine. It's very exciting. Me and my boyfriend were sat in a bar looking out onto a very busy road in the Philippines. My boyfriend went to pay.

We're in the Philippines. I know, you said it at the beginning. Very busy road in the Philippines. My boyfriend went to pay so I sat and people watched as I waited. They're in the Philippines. I know, you said it at the beginning. Very busy road. In the Philippines. My boyfriend went to pay, so I sat and people watched as I waited. I looked outside and clocked on, there were couples sat on a table in front, almost directly on the main road.

Okay. I watched them flirt for a bit, smiling and laughing, enjoying their drinks. The woman then stood up and walked to stand in front of the man. He then proceeded to take off his right flip-flop interesting I thought why is he taking his shoes off woman stood up and went to walk in front of the man and he took his flip so he's still sitting down he's took his right flip-flop yeah okay well the woman then

lifted her dress and up went I didn't do the risk mystery sorry okay I'm gonna guess it he stuck a flip-flop up her fanny. No. The woman then lifted her dress up and up went the man's right foot. Grinding away on his little trotters she was having the time of her life. I'm not having it. Motorbikes going past,

onlookers from the bar, tourists walking by without even a flinch from either of them. Was it a first date, a regular occurrence or just a drunken holiday mistake? We'll never know. That is I mean, I mean sanitise your feet.

Oh God. So he's had a flip-flop on all day, walking around. In the Philippines. Yes, we know it's in the Philippines but obviously, yes, it's hot. You flip, I mean, you get grimy feet if you've been walking around in a flip-flop. Awful. And, I mean, that's... She's talking about hoo-ha.

She's loving it, apparently. Having the best time of her life. She's going to get an infection. She will... I'm telling you that right now. She's going to get an infection. You're talking thrush. You're talking possibly...

Athletes funny. You're talking a verrucas. Oh, the verrucas. You're talking of verrucas oh the verrucas you're talking ingrown pubes ingrown toenails you're talking athletes

she's got athletes fanny athletes fanny cystitis that is some people you wonder why I sanitize my hand

some people are fucking gross some people just love it gross I think some people just go we've done

enough of that enough of that, enough of that sex, let's just stick me foot up your vag. In the front of a busy road. Well, that's the thing, isn't it? Because part of it is like, you know, do what you want in your own house. As long as people are enjoying it,

whack your foot up there, who cares what's on the street. How did it get from chatting and talking to whip your flip-flop up, hide up me dress? Do it under the table. Awful. Oh, God.

I mean, to be fair, though, people watching. People watching is a thing I haven't done for a long time. When I was a stand-up comedian, I used to travel on my own. People watch a lot. Oh, I love it. If you're a people watcher and you're sitting down for a session of people watching and you see someone sticking someone's foot up someone's fanny, you could have the rest of the day off.

Chris, I would lose my mind. You have absolutely smashed your people watching for the day. That's it. Yes, I would love it. I would fucking love it. That is the fucking FA Cup final of people watching. Take the rest of the day off. Did I ever tell you about the time when people of Newcastle

might remember this, right? I used to work in Fenham at a nursery. Right. One day in July, there was a massive flood do you remember the floods yeah yeah yeah that huge downpour out of fucking Norway

I remember we just started going out and I was in a pub in South Shields and you were stuck under a underpass I was stuck in seven hours of traffic

yeah yeah yeah no I did I dodged the underpass oh you dodged the underpass so I went you sent me a photo of the underpass and it was literally

flooded up to within a foot horrendous yeah yeah yeah so I went through the west end of Newcastle and then I ended up getting stuck massively outside of like Dan's City

which is on Scotts, is it Scottsworth Road? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, horrendous. I was going to literally piss in my seat. It was that bad. Managed to hold it in.

You considered climbing into the passenger seat and weighing on the passenger seat. I was going to. Just weighing yourself and then climbing back. It was that bad. The blokes were getting out

and just pissing in the street. And this was your Fiesta that we talked about at the beginning and honestly, a full piss in that Fiesta would have wrote that car off. I think it would have. Do you know what a write-off means?

It means when the financial cost of fixing it is more than what the vehicle's worth. Hey, do you know it got scrapped? Do you know how much I got? How much? 120 quid. Absolutely great. 120 quid. I was like, I'm kidding. You pissing on the passenger seat, literally one, like, I don't know, like a Mr Muscle carpet cleaner or something would have cost more than that car. Total write off. Anyway, carry on. Oh,

but then I met you and you bought us a car. I did buy you a car. I met you and bought us my first car. Well, my second car. Thank you. You're welcome. It was a Ford Fiesta, but it was a lot nicer. Just upgraded you, mate. And now our Kev's got it. Our brother's got it. It's going strong. Still going strong. Big up that Ford Fiesta.

I know, I'll be 10 years old soon. Yeah. No, so when I was in this traffic jam, people were watching, you're talking, people were watching. I don't know if I've told you this. There was a woman sat on a bench and she just shit her pants.

And she had a white tracksuit on. She shit herself. I swear to fucking god it was it was horrendous she was on the bench she was sat on a bench so she had not

sorry so she had nothing to do with the traffic jam no no no she was just sat on a bench I think she might have been on drugs right or pissed

you know what I'm gonna go 100% here definitely drugs or pissed right she had a white tracksuit on she shit herself she sat on the bench

she was just sat on the bench and I was like, oh, she's a bit, you know, I don't know what's going on. And she sat up, she walked away, she had shit running down her pants.

Wow. Everything. I mean. And you know when you're just like, I'm having a horrible time here, but that, that's interesting. That,

on a track, like shitting yourself at the side of the road's bad enough, but when there's a traffic jam. But can I tell you right now on white tracks do you know do you know the older I am now

the more that we do this and the more that I realise how perverted some people are part of us thinks she she might have been living in one of them flats or whatever

or living in a house over the road she saw the traffic jam she thought this is it I love shitting myself in front of people yeah that might be her thing

because she came from fucking Norway she wasn't there as the traffic emerged. We'd been sat in this queue for about an hour and she came, sat on this bench. Everyone could see her. You're talking at least 30 cars could see her either side of the road.

Wow. She sat there for about 10 minutes just watching and I was watching her going, I don't know how I'm doing. She had a shit. She just had a shit. And then she walked off. She's done it deliberately. Do you know how I went then. She had a shit. She just had a shit and then she walked off. She's done it deliberately.

Do you reckon? I think so. There is a chance. From the stuff we hear. I mean, she gets her kicks from just shitting herself and being like, wow, she went white.

Boyfriend might have been across the road in one of the houses looking out the window having a wank. There she is shitting on the bench. I like, honestly, honestly,

from the stuff we've learned from this podcast, I would put money on that. I would. And again, and again, this is why I sanitize my hands regularly. I know.

Because people are shitting themselves on park benches. It was mad. It was actually mad. Because that's normally quite a busy road and traffic just goes back and forth. She's done it deliberately. It's unbelievable, that one. She's gone back, he's ate it.

Oh, for fuck's sake. He's ate it. Too much. He's held the pants open and screamed. They're like getting, icing off a cupcake wrapper. I'm sorry, that was too far. Or they've been making some sort of video,

a prank video or something, and it wasn't even shit I'd eaten at anyway. Yeah, it could have been. Yeah, it might have been just like a chocolate fudge cake or something. Prank video. That's a good prank, actually. Can you remember back in the day,

the jackass prank they used to do? Which one? Where one of them would go up to a bin and he would take a nappy out of the bin or a diaper, for our American listeners, and they'd have filled it with chocolate pudding or chocolate mousse or something and he would be going through the bin. I don't remember that at all.

He would open the nappy and start eating the shit out of the nappy. It looked like shit out of the nappy, but it was like chocolate fudge or whatever. People used to lose their minds. I don't remember that one. I don't remember that at all. Visually, it was like chocolate fudge or whatever people used to lose their minds I don't remember that one I don't remember that at all it was pretty visually it was pretty horrible and the people used to like

freak out no you can't do that like yeah god pranks were we were talking the idea about Trigger Happy TV that prank

yeah that prank on Trigger Happy TV where someone was sitting in a park on a bench eating and he would walk up dressed as a spy

yes and be like the sunsets in Moscow are beautiful this time of year like what you're not grey squirrel you have the dossier you're not grey squirrel

and then off it goes and then later on a guy dressed as a grey squirrel would walk by yes fucking unbelievable very good unbelievable television

unbelievable good times good times babadoo babadoo babadoo hi Ramsey hi Ramsey sorry hope you're well

long time listener first time uh we are well and thank you just listening to the latest podcast of the sunbed white pisser oh for god's sake i used to work in a tanning salon which let me tell you was absolutely disgusting i used to empty so many bins of piss i became immune to it after what the hell people obviously go in there and need a wee and yeah so people do actually

piss in the bins so many bins of piss they'd usually get a thorough bleaching and boiling water poured into them before they got returned here's a question

do you think that so many people were pissing in bins in sunbed shops that what we all collectively think a sunbed shop smells like is actually just what

a room full of bins of piss smells like hot piss maybe what a room full of bins of piss smells like hot piss maybe maybe i always thought it smelled like do you know the little sachets of cream you could get that would make you boost your tan right i always thought it was that that was what the smell was yeah well that's that's not a bad deduction yeah yeah but yeah oh god i just quite like the smell after a sunbed yeah it's been at least 10 years since i worked there but there is one particular incident that always sticks in my mind it was nearly closing time so i was getting ready to do the final clean down and leave for the day

when one of our regulars came in fairly young man who always liked to chat before he went in the booth i allocated his sunbed and set up the time for him. He was in and out nice and quickly so I was all set to leave on time for once. However, as I was cleaning the booth down when he left, I noticed a huge lump of pink bubble gum on the inside door handle. For some reason, I found this more disgusting than a bin full of piss. I got some tissue, removed the gum and I put it in the bin. As I was locking up for the night, I saw the guy slowly jogging towards me and he said, Sorry, I think I've left something in the sunbed. Fuck off.

I asked him what it was as I didn't see anything when I was cleaning it. He then proceeded to tell me he left bubble gum on the door. That... Right, but I... Right. Have we done this before? No, we haven't. Are you sure?

But had he come back because he was embarrassed that he'd left it there or had he come back that he wanted to finish it? I told him that I'd put it in the bin and he looked heartbroken. Fucking get out! I think we've done this before. I don't think we have.

Are you sure? I don't remember this. We haven't done this before. He then slunk off down the road and he never mentioned it again when he came in, but he always had a slightly disappointed look in his eyes

if he saw it was me on reception oh my god so not oh my god I'm so sorry I've left that there I'm disgusted

I'm so embarrassed I want to put the bin for you I'm sorry yeah because of course he would have said sorry if he was sorry he would have said sorry but no he wanted to finish it

oh man that really resonates with me for some reason i don't know whether i'm getting some sort of deja vu i might have read it a few times because at the minute i've got a real dilemma of what goes in the tour and what goes on the podcast because the questions on the tour are different every single night that one so it's killing it and there's been such good ones on the tour but i think sorry is reese recording them i don't know i think we're getting audio recordings of them yeah because we could put it on the podcast or what we what we did last year was i took some of the best ones from the tour well yesterday's would have to make it

wait so to let you all behind the curtain here we were sitting in this very hotel room that we're in now we were sitting here yesterday and rosie had a bit of a fluster saying she wanted to change one of the questions for last night's show in bournemouth obviously i don't know what the questions are and they're different every single night. And you dropped one from a story, and you put a new one in, and the guy was in the crowd last night. Yes. It was unbelievable.

Yeah, it was really good. It was unbelievable. We've got the camera on him and everything he owned up to it. Fucking hell. Brilliant. God, we'll try and get that one. We'll try and get that. Let's call it the Acorn Saga.

We'll try and get the Acorn Saga clipped up and put on at the podcast Acorn Wars it was called if not we'll read it out again and obviously we'll just present it to you Babadoo Babadoo Babadoo Hi Chris and Rosie me and my partner began having a debate in the car he asked me

have I ever seen my own arsehole I sat and thought about it and I definitely have he He laughed, this was hilarious and was like how and why? Well, he's never seen his own arsehole. Thank you. Yeah. So we'll, let's, let's, we'll divulge in our own, you know, thoughts on this. Well, in a mirror, I told him after I gave birth I had stickers and wanted out that's stitches or stickers say stitch stickers I think it means stitches well done good job gold star spider-man sticker like like the kids get when they go to the dentist

well done you're a you're a you're a push you're a push professional. Hey, you're a birthing legend. I think she means stitches. I had stitches and wanted a look. Obviously, I saw my hoop too. I just popped a little makeup mirror in my lower region so I could see. I feel like I've seen it a few times. Like when I've had an ingrown hair ladies you know anything medical or for beauty reasons so i asked him the same question to which he abruptly said no so i asked him to swear on our child's life

that he hasn't something serious talk he began hysterically laughing again and blushing i knew it so he had seen he's still denied it but He still denied it, but I said, well, you obviously have. To which he admitted, he has. I said, well, how do you look? Like, do you bend over a big mirror and spread your cheeks?

To which, again, the laughter, he confirmed that he did. Brilliant. He asked me if he thought everyone does it. To which I said, yep, people are too curious

and there's many reasons to look your bum hole, but mostly people just want to check on it at least once. He reckons most people haven't seen their arsehole and that we're both just weird mingers. So my question is, have you seen your own bum hole? Yes, and how is best to check?

I've seen mine. I think we need to be careful here. Why? Because we're in danger of copyright here because I'm sure, have you seen your own bum hole? I'm sure that has people list on Desert Island Discs. Definitely. I'm sure Louis Theroux

starts every interview with Have You Seen Your Own Bumhole. Do you want to know how I've seen mine? Well, over the years, I've always had like a full length mirror. Right.

And I've just looked to see what I look like from behind. Right, okay. For a second time. Right. I've just looked and thought, what do I look like?

Doggy style. It's not great. I've proper, like, bent over, spread, and looked. Absolutely disgusting. I've never done that. I'm just intrigued. I've seen you on Bumble loads of times. How do you look?

Just turn round in the mirror and have a little look. Spread? Well, you've got to spread, haven't you? Just turn around to the mirror and have a little look. Spread? Well, I'm not... You've got to spread, haven't you? You've got to be able to see it. Yeah.

Email in if you've never seen your own bum hole. I know, I'm intrigued. Surely, people... I've often thought that is there any part of your body you think you haven't touched?

No. No. Do you reckon? There is no part of my body that I've never touched. No. No, I've touched every... Maybe one no part of my body that I've never touched now no I've touched every maybe

one small part of my head do you reckon I mean if you could get some kind of like graph oh no nah I don't we have touched

oh hang on the bit in between your back which bit just a bit on your back that's really hard to touch there might be a slither there might be a millimetre slither of your back

that you haven't touched with one hand yeah a tiny little spot in the middle of your back that you might not have touched yeah you're talking like half a millimeter you know my favorite thing is that you can't put your you can't put your palm flat on your own shoulder on the same shoulder so you can't put your right or left palm flat on your shoulder yeah but look you can't put your palm on your shoulder of the same you can't do it can't lick your elbow neither no you can't lick your elbow neither. No, you can't. And I'm not about to try it. God, we should video this. I tried to lick their elbows.

It was amazing. That's great. Let us know if you've never seen your arsehole because I'm genuinely interested in that. Unless you're a very, very lucky boy, you also can't suck yourself off. Tried it. Hurt meself.

I'm joking. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. Yes, thank you so much. We bloody love you. If you want to get in touch, it's shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. If you want to come to any of the shows with a few tickets left, it's shaggedmarriedannoyed.com, and we will be back in your ears next week. Honestly, read the two of them. We're genuinely having a really lush time.

We're having a... It's really good fun. Bloody lovely. They're my best nights out. It is. My best nights out. And everyone who comes, it's like rolling a little gang.

It's fantastic. Does that sound vain? I don't mean to sound like that. I don't think it does. If you enjoy this podcast, it's just like a big aversion of it. It's just so fun. We're having a good time, aren't we?

Yeah. Don't mention the kids to her though because we might burst into tears yeah Rosie's yeah Rosie's at a level now of when you watch stuff on if you watch us you know if you watch someone

surprising their family on Instagram you're crying well it's really hard because I miss them so much like I feel like I've lost a limb but at the same time I'm having a really fucking nice time

without them so I don't know what I'm going to do you've just got to try and enjoy it because we're away working you know it's for their future it's for them we're working to you know pay the bills and put food on the table.

I think you're allowed to have a nice time while it's happening as well. Thank you. I'll have a glass of wine now, please. What time is it? It's nearly half twelve. Let's dance! Cheers, everyone. See you later.

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