Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 246. A new low

Episode Date: December 1, 2023

The Ramsey's return for tour chat, fresh beefs and some massage based chat that leads to various questions. The brilliant QFTP's which involve misheard dirty talk, a bag for life and a school rumour. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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at torontorock.com. Oh, hello, dearie. You're listening to Shag Married and Obed with me, Rosie Ramsey, my husband, Christopher Ramsey. What was that? Oh, hello, dearie. You're listening to Shag Married and Oid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. What was that? Oh, hello, dearie. It's from Mrs. Doubtfire. Is it?

Hello, dearie. Yeah. Right. Isn't it? Well, I mean, the words are. The accent wasn't there, was it? Hello, dearie. Right. We're in Glasgow this weekend. Can't wait to do my Scottish accent. I've already annihilated the Welsh accent. I'm in Cardiff. Cardiff got a full, full both barrel of your accent attempts. I didn't try Hull or Bournemouth because honestly,

not, don't really know. Don't know what Bournemouth sounds like, I'll be honest with you. It was a lovely place, so I imagine quite well spoken most of them. Yeah, it was nice. Ull is just, Ull in it, just drop your H, Ull. Yeah. A bit like, although sometimes. Lucy Beaumont, just channel Lucy Beaumont.

Like Lucy or like Ryan Jarman from Cribs, but he's from Wakefield. a bit like Lucy Beaumont just channel channel Lucy Beaumont like Lucy or like Ryan Jarman from Cribs but he's from Wakefield so oh that's actually really oh that's Wakefield

yeah yeah so I went I went east I went east on the M62 and south a little bit yeah and we arrived at Wakefield yeah

and I shouldn't have and I apologise yeah but big shout out to everyone who's been at the show so far you've been amazing thank you for

sending your beefs in you've been incredible yeah it's all been good fun it has but this is the podcast this is not the tour so let's not worry about the tour

this is the podcast some tickets still available though for like Manchester, Sheffield, Birmingham Liverpool some of the big ones in the middle there Wembley basically sold out

Newcastle sold out Glasgow sold out but stop we're not talking about the two of them. Well, that's what I'm saying. You can't take them out yourself, can you? Well, hey. What?

Hey. Why do you have to mention every venue? Oh, sorry. You're not going to burn alive. Shall I just do a stupid accent instead? Shall I? Eh? Is that what this is?

Oh, we've spent too much time together. Yeah, I think we might. Getting on my tits. Yeah, yeah. My throat's killing today. I want you to have a drink of that. I want you to have a drink of that water that I just went and got you.

Go on, have a little sip of that you're welcome thank you yeah why am I welcome I don't know oh hey listen I shouldn't be talking today

yeah you this morning on the day that we have to record the podcast which is our one day off this week you turned around and said I could really do with a day of not talking and I nearly went

excellent can I get that in writing? And then I realised, right, I'll do the podcast together. Yeah, it's the worst job in the world to have when you're poorly, but that's fine. I'm okay. It is what it is. Listen, it is episode 246. Thank you so much for being here and listening to us.

If you've just joined, welcome to the party, pal. If you've been here for a while, thank you for, you know, soldiering on. Just to let you know, you've been here for a while thank you for um you know soldiering on and i am just to let you know i've been going through the questions and emails and stuff today there was an email from a couple who came to see the show in cardiff i think sorry this is the podcast why are you talking about okay fair enough but all i'm saying is neither of them right had listened to one episode of the podcast really i swear I swear to God. So they must have seen the TV show then. So yeah,

I'm guessing they've seen the TV show or they've seen you doing stuff or whatever. You know, I don't do much on the telly so it would not be me. And yeah,

they really enjoyed it. Really? But they'd not listened to one episode of the podcast which I just found, I found it mad that they came to the podcast to it.

They've not listened to one. But great, they had a great time. Rosie, some people are a lot more adventurous than us and some people have got a lot more time on their hands. to the podcast do it they've not listened to what but great they had a great time Rosie some people are a lot more adventurous than us and some people

have got a lot more time on their hands you only say that from you say that from the point of view of someone

who's got quite an intense job and two incredibly intense children yeah you know what I mean they might just literally have looked

and gone oh hey you know that oh look at them people she was on I used to do

stuff like that yeah she was on Christmas Strict strictly over marked and he was on uh he does stuff let's go see there sure see what i'd say well i'd go in there some people i get honestly what i get really jealous of people who just turn up at their local venue and go to see stuff do you know like when i used to do like art centers and stuff and even smaller theaters not even be bigger theaters to be fair but when you're sort of two other, it happens more in the smaller art centres when the 200, 300 seaters are going to start stand up. You'd always get, even if you'd never done that before, not done any telly, whatever, you could put a 200 seater on sale in, I don't know, God knows where. And there'll always be four or five people who would come anyway because

they just go to see whatever's on at the art centre. But that might be us one day. Nah, definitely not. Why? It will. When we've not got as much on, we'll go to the customs house. But that might be us one day. Nah, definitely not. Why? Nah, just... It will. When we've not got as much on, we'll go to the Customs House. We'll rock down to the Customs House.

They've got... There's loads of players in that on and I never get to see them. Listen. They were doing a blimmin'... Take one of your mates. A 60s night. Take one of your mates.

I will. I'd flip my love to. They were doing a 60s night and I missed it. Yeah? And I was gutted. Oh. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Anyway. It's joking. And I missed it. Yeah? And I was gutted. Oh. Mm-hmm. Okay. Anyway. The other one did. Yeah, but thank you again to everyone. Anyway, look, look, it's a podcast, man. Shut up about the live show. Sorry. Episode 246.

And without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is Gravel Driveways. Oh, hey. What's wrong with the Gravel Driveways? You always wanted one of them, have you? Yeah. Chris, you too? sponsor is gravel driveways oh hey what's wrong with a gravel driveway you always wanted one of them have you Rosie

yeah Chris you too you always wanted one of them have you nice and posh loves oh excuse me

crunch crunch crunch oh yeah no impractical irritating fucking sick of it you're not we are not changing

our driveway our house has got a gravel driveway and I'm absolutely fucking sick it's like having two day old snow constantly I love it the snow when it's like having two day old snow constantly

I love it the snow when it's frozen over the top you can't do anything with it it spills out into the street do you know

sometimes when I'm waiting for like if I'm waiting for a taxi or something I'm sorry I'm waiting for someone to come pick us up do you know what

just stand kicking our gravel back into our drive I'm sorry there's not much there's not much Chris you're being ridiculous

they're my stones do you know what's going to upset you what what I love the gravel driveway right Not much, Chris. I look like I write nine. You're being ridiculous. They're my stones. Do you know what's going to upset you? What? What? I love the gravel driveway. Right.

I don't like the colour of the stones. That's pathetic. I want this colour changed. I'm not painting the stones. No, I just want all of that gravel taken out and changed to a different colour. What is this? The princess and the pea? No.

I do. No. I do. I do. I do. I will. It's happening. Check your privilege, please. Well, no, but it can get reused.

Where? Somebody else's drive. Sell it on Facebook Marketplace. Oh, the wood, you know? The wood. I know, yeah, yeah. You know what it is? Facebook Marketplace, you would absolutely see someone selling fucking, you know, four ton of gravel.

Yeah. And some fucking nutter would come and pick it up in a hatchback yeah they would oh it's not gonna fit in the Fiesta no it's not gonna fit in the fucking Fiesta

it's four tonne of gravel you dick so that's that's the plan for next summer don't anyone listening don't

do not get a drive up don't because it's so night no it's lush alright alright when was the last time you popped out of the car without your shoes on well you can't never it's like night no it's lush alright alright when was the last time you popped out of the car without your shoes on

well you can't never it's like one of the hot coals fucking horrible and one of the kids it keeps the kids in it keeps Raph in it's dead safe

yeah but when he's out when he's out when he's got his shoes on what does he do if you don't get him outside and get him immediately in one of them cars he throws the fucking

he picks up the stones and he fucking throws them at the cars oh and didn't the stone get stuck in my what a stone got stuck in my... What? A stone got stuck in your brake?

In your brake on your car and your car brake was fucked for a couple of weeks. Honestly, bollocks. But I've always wanted one. You get little dips in it and you've got to go out and rake it over. I know this is first world problems, but you work with what you've got.

What would you get instead? Tarmac. The lot of it. Tarmac. Absolutely not. Or that resin that we had in the other house. That resin stuff was amazing. Yeah, but that's dead slippy. Resin looks amazing, I lot of it. Oh, God. Carmack. Absolutely not. All that resin that we had in the other house, that resin stuff was amazing. Yeah, but that's dead slippy.

Well, good. Resin looks amazing, I have to admit. It was lush. But very slippy. Oh, God. How's that? You might have tripped over. I fell over once.

No, no, no, no, no. Oh, she tripped over the thing. Your mum fell over the gate post. She did. Which is still one of the best videos we ever had. Oh, fantastic video. Oh, so that's it. Listen, don't do it.

Big shout out, by the way, to Cameron, who was the lad. I know we did this a long time ago. I said I was going to give you a shout out. Cameron was the guy who came in a gigantic fucking truck that couldn't fit through our gate and delivered a full pallet of tiles and the little pallet truck wouldn't go on the shitty house gravel.

Oh, yeah. So Cameron, legend, me and him picked up box by box by box of a full pallet of tiles and took them to the garage. Well done. You legend. First manual labour you've ever done in your life. Do you want me to take you back down to that street in Shields where me and my dad did all the railings? Oh, for God's sake.

I'll take you. I know exactly where it is. Yeah. Horton House Road, South Shields, everyone. Aye, exactly. Every railing on that street, me and my dad did. Oh, my mates live on there now. Yeah, so there you go.

What else was I going to say? So, no, if anyone wants to email in me to let us know about gravel don't please don't please don't do that

I'd be really interested please don't do that again this is we were in Cardiff the other night and someone said that the man's

beef with his wife in the crowd was that she'd bought him a pregnancy experience for Christmas oh yeah and he had to wear a full thing god damn them two for telling you that that was a thing because I guarantee the man's beef with his wife in the crowd was that she'd bought him a pregnancy experience for Christmas. Oh, yeah. And he had to wear a full thing. God damn them two for telling you that that was a thing.

Because I guarantee that's going to end up in my Christmas box or birthday box at some point. Where'd that come from? What? Did I say something to do with Christmas? No, no, you just said, I'm annoyed that you're... I don't want anyone to get in touch with you

and tell you about how you can swap your gravel, because that's really... There'll be a fucking... There will be a place where you can swap your gravel. Where did the pregnancy thing come from? Because I'm annoyed that... I don't want anyone to tell you about a place where you can swap your gravel where did the pregnancy thing come from because I'm annoyed that I don't want anyone to tell you about a place where you can swap gravel because of the same

as I didn't want them to tell you that the pregnancy experience was a thing do you understand you're ill you you've had that on your brain since then are you worried I'm going to buy it for you

you better not because it's going straight in the bin it's going straight on Facebook marketplace four tonne of gravel plus a free pregnancy experience I'm intrigued must be collected in a van. Yeah, it's not happening.

I'd Google it, but I'm too busy looking at... If you've got Google open now, why do you do this? What are you looking at? I'm looking at table linen. Christmas table linen. We're doing a podcast. I know we are.

And I'm here. But I'm also looking at table linen. I had closed it. Carry on. So unprofessional. So unprofessional. Everyone, I'm also looking at table linen I had closed it carry on so unprofessional so unprofessional everyone I'm so sorry I can't concentrate

put the jingle on and let's disconnect you from the wifi it's a jingle change your password we had a fight about the jingle jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle

jingle so this is the jingle jingle jingle So this is the jingle, jingle We hope you like the jingle, jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed. Hope you're all well and hope you're all getting bloody sorted for Christmas. It's really not long.

All got your trees up already? Halfway through November seems to be the new one. It's the thing now, apparently. I don't know what's going on. I know. I don't know what's going on. If it makes people happy, fair enough. Hey, listen, you won't catch me saying this very often.

Go on. But if you've got your tree up early and it's made you happy, fair enough. Yeah, there's a lot of sadness in the world right now and that is me that is me being very unlike me because I like to have

a right whinge on you well done I know no you're right though being for once not an arsehole and I hey

listen to this well done that's me patting myself on the back if it makes you happy can be what is it the best song oh yeah yeah okay well done that's me patting myself on the back if it makes you happy can't be what is it the best

song oh yeah yeah okay I'm actually enjoying seeing all the Christmas stuff usually I'm a bit like that usually I'm like gone already

but you know I love Christmas but we are putting ours up on the 9th of December yeah which actually is quite early in my opinion

I don't think it's early because once it's up it's not anymore though yeah't think it's early because once it's up it's not anymore though yeah no no it's ridiculous but in when I was younger we didn't put ours up

until like the 15th of December well that's because your mum hates Christmas well yeah I know can you remember that year she put a tray up on Christmas Eve

the 23rd Christmas Eve she put it up she bought it on the 23rd she got it for a pound she got it for a pound thank you that was it

on the 23rd she bought it on Christmas Eve for a pound it was the last one left it looked like it for a pound. Thank you. That was it, on the 20th. She bought it on Christmas Eve for a pound. It was the last one left. It looked like it had been in a fucking fire. And she brought it up and she slung it out

on Boxing Day. I know. We went to hers Boxing Day afternoon, I think. I picked her up and it was fucking, it was in the back lane.

She's one of a kind is our Sandra. No, I don't think she gets a tree anymore. Great. I think she just puts nice little bits up like garlands and wreaths and that. She's getting a tree i kind of get it um but what was

i gonna say oh so i've been busy buying the you know the bane's presents and stuff like that right and i've bought i'm kind of like annoyed at myself robin and rave to an extent love craft like they just love crafty things and i bought a couple of crafty things i bought like a pot reset thing that i've been instagram keeps throwing us these ads right sorry i know i'm just thinking they're cleaning up well no or not but that's fine but the only problem with our kids i don't know if yours are the same right they want to open them there and then oh yeah on christmas morning open it up first right let's all make pots yeah and i'm gonna be like this is not the time this is not the time not the place to be making pots robin tomorrow

preferably actually not tomorrow because we're going to a party the next day 27th of december we'll pot all day long it's it's when i've talked about before it's when someone else buys your kid a massive convoluted present. Slime kits. Slime making kit. Stop fucking buying my children slime making kits. Unless you're gonna, unless part of the present is you staying

and making that slime with them, fuck off with your slime. Fuck off with your slime making kits. I'm absolutely sick of it. I don't realise that we've got Rafe to go as well through the slime phase. Slime. Oh God robin loves slime yeah so i've bought a few crafty things i'm gonna stop right yes i'm gonna stop i know yeah god let's go full hog let's go full hog get him a proper pottery wheel like seth rogan who does it seth rogan does it online now ghost yeah get one of

them get a full pottery wheel, the lot, the water, the clay, everything. Spin it, fucking top off. Go on, get them the lot. Christmas Day. Jesus Christ. It'll be like a fucking plasterer's house around here. Oh, well, Mike Evkin,

come and show them how to do it all. Oh, fantastic. I can't wait. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bam. So we came back from Cardiff the other day. flew back and uh we were on uh we were on the flight and i just i love like loads of my early stand-up was little bits of i used to love sitting and overhearing quite noise i used to sit quite a lot with headphones in and just listen to people talking and i always had a lot of stuff i'd overheard you know so i did it on the plane for

a bit i had my headphones in and i overheard one of the bits of stuff I'd overheard. So I did it on the plane for a bit and I had my headphones in and I overheard one of the air stewards talking to the other air steward. Okay. And I just heard something I'd never considered or thought about and it was just such a beautiful little bit of his conversation.

He just turned to his mate and he went, oh, did the flight to Lapland the other day? And his mate went, did you? How was it? And he went, oh, it was horrible. Oh, no more. He went, went, did you? How was it? And he went, oh, it was horrible. He went,

they were feral. He went, they were fucking feral. He went, his exact words were, I'd rather do the midnight flight to Ibiza any day of the week.

Shut up. Shut up. CBC. And I took my headphones out and I went, sorry mate, I heard that because

I'd spoken to him anyway. And I went, was it bad? And he went, oh, now I think, I heard that because I'd spoken to him anyway and I went, I heard, I went, was it bad? And he went, oh, now I think the flight held about 160 people

or 150 people. He said there was 60 kids on the flight. Jesus. Now there's, whenever you get on a plane, even if it's summer holidays, there's a handful of kids.

You know what I mean? It's always mainly adults. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 60's a shitload, like a third, for over a third

of the passengers to be children is a lot right so he was like there was 60 kids and I went oh was it really bad and he just looked

his dead in the eyes and he just went there were crisps everywhere there's like a man who'd been through a fucking war there were crisps

everywhere very very funny oh god they'd have been so excited. Oh, imagine. He said it was carnage. But of course, I didn't even think about the fact

that they're going to see Santa. Yeah. They must have just been losing their shit. They would have been so excited. Imagine. And we saw the aeroplane that says... Santa's Lapland on the side. Santa's Lapland on the side of the aeroplane.

Yeah. It's EasyJet does that. It's EasyJet, right? Because it was EasyJet. He was in EasyJet, Stuart. He was. Big shout out,. Because it was EasyJet. He was in EasyJet. Big shout out Ben. Ben from EasyJet. Yeah. Nice guy.

Yeah. EasyJet taking the kids to Lapland. I'd rather do the midnight flight to Ibiza any day of the week. Oh, gosh. Would you ever take the kids to Lapland? Yeah. But we never have time to do it. But yeah.

I mean, we're going to the... We're going to the fake one in London mean we're going to the we're going to the fake one in London we're going to the London one the Ascot one which is amazing it's epic and you'll find you'll find

it's not fake the tree opens up we'll go through a magical portal and we end up in that way which is going to be via Ascot

love we're going for the second time because we did take Robin when he was four can't remember it pointless wasted money can't remember it

at all literally ridiculous amount of shit that. Can't remember it. Pointless. Waste of money. Can't remember it at all. Literally ridiculous amount of shit that kid can't remember. Why did we bother? Mate, mate. Why did we bother? Rafe's coming. Rafe will not have a clue. Nah.

But I think he'll enjoy it. And then we'll possibly have to take him one more time. But that's the only thing we're doing. That's the only thing. No, hang on. We've got Dancing on Ice. Dancing on Ice. What's it called, man? Disney on Ice. Disney No, hang on. We've got Dancing on Ice. Dancing on Ice. What's it called, man?

Disney on Ice. Disney on Ice. I wanted to do the Burns of Dancing on Ice. We're going to Disney on Ice and we're going to the London Ascot, London Lapland and that's it.

That's the only things we're doing. That's the only Christmas things that we've got booked in because I'm not taking them to fire. No, it's ridiculous when people take the kids to too many Christmas things I remember

speaking to someone one year and they were like yeah we're going to see Santa again yeah she's seen six Santas this year

and I'm like fucking hell what the hell is going on I know oh my god I know how many

like I've had to say to Rob because Robin said to me why is there so many Santas around I was like

they're all just these helpers pick the best one big big tip to parents out there

if you see a few Santas pick the best one and go oh that parents out there if you see a few Santa's pick the best one and go oh that was the real one the rest of them are helpers

boom boom so there you are babadoo babadoo babadoo rosie yes I've got a

would you rather for you oh I love a I love one of these and I made this one up right well done I made this one up myself up my own head

oh god now I'm hoping if you get in the spirit of it i'm hoping it's all right it's not disgusting no it's not christmasy it's fucking november get out of everyone's instagram get in the spirit of the game oh not in the christmas spirit i feel christmasy god what's the matter with you oh god you've been watching too many videos on instagram listen would you rather yes play along at home, would you rather have only really small towels forever?

How small? Tea towel size for when you go to the bath or the shower. You're allowed to use a couple. Is this because I sent Robin to school for his swimming lesson with a hand towel?

Yes. Is this where this came from? Yes. Right. I mean, he did laugh, to be fair. He found it very funny. And I find it incredible that he laughed that off because it tells you the strength of character of our kid

and the fact that the rest of his kids in his class must be quite nice. Because I know for a fact Carl Hutchinson told me that one PE in Carl Hutchinson's school in his year, one PE, someone came with a tiny little towel and someone went, oh, look at that, tea towel. That kid was known as tea towel for years. Still referred to as tea towel. I think I remember this.

I think I remember someone being called tea towel in the year below me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, was it at St Wilfrid's? St Wilfrid's, yeah, yeah. Oh, God. So we've got to, don't do that again when he's older because little seven-year-olds

don't know to absolutely slam on someone. I know. Nobody took any stride and apparently he was literally going all, he's like, see my towel?

Yeah, so he owned it. It's good that he owns it. I mean, I felt horrendous but never mind. Literally, he was the tiniest hand towel. So, would you rather...

All right, sorry, okay. Would you rather have little towels forever you can never you can't so both these things about tell you you can't sew them all together or anything like that or the billionaire who's sorting this out it will come and you murder your whole family right the billionaire who's doing this um which i'll be honest with you by the way how much shit have i got to eat it's elon musk you don't have to you don't know elon musk's been on the phone and he said look rosie's got two choices the rest of her life one either tiny little tea towels

forever bit smaller than a tea towel bit bigger than a flannel right but you get out the bath you get out the bath it's cold you get out the hot bath

but you've got to have a couple of them and you know shammy yourself down so you can have a couple you're not just one you can have a couple of them you can have a couple

you can have as many as you want alright right okay calm they're not big enough to tie solid together. They're not big enough to tie around you and they're not big enough

to drape over your shoulder. It's just too small. I'm already a bit sad about it but okay. So would you rather tiny towels forever right or exactly the same size

duvets forever? What do you mean? So you don't have a full size duvet exactly the same size. Tiny little thing. Yeah.

So like square but they're about the size of a laptop I'm looking at my laptop here as many as you want you can have 600 of them on top of you for bed but you only do have tiny tiny little duvets or tiny little towels when you go to the bath

okay I'm going to go I'm going to go with the... Hang on, give us a little duvet. Really? Yeah, because I'll not ever use it and I'll just use dressing gowns and blankets. No, no, no, no.

Elon? No, there was no specification of this. Elon, she's trying to... Hello, mate, yeah. She's trying to bring... No, she wants a little... She wants to use a different specification of this. She's trying to... She's trying... Hello, mate. Yeah. She's trying to... No. She wants a little... She wants to use a different kind of blanket. No.

Sorry. Whole family murder. You can't. Not in the... He's got... Honestly. I don't know. Whole family murder.

He was very clear. Is that the consequence? He was very... Yeah, that's the consequence. He's very, very clear. Where did that come from? No, he's very clear is that the consequence he was very yeah that's the consequence he's very very clear where did that come from no he's very this is so

imagine this is like deal or no deal and I've picked up the phone at the banker but the banker's Elon this is horrendous you pick one or the other you can't have any alternatives

okay right okay well then I need I need a duvet okay I'll just hair dryer myself dry would you fucking no you've got to have

alternatives Chris Elon me just hair dryer myself dry. Would you fucking... No, you've got to have alternatives. Chris. You know me again. Hair dryer. No. Yeah, death of the family apparently. No.

No. You can't. So you can't... I'm sorry. You can't use any... It's just you've got to use them things. Yeah. Forever. Okay.

He's watching. Right. Well, I need a duvet. I need a duvet to sleep with. Okay. And I'll just dry myself with a little horrible little towel

for god's sake I'm proud of that I'm really you shouldn't be it was horrendous I'm really proud of that Matt can you imagine loads of tiny little duvets

just the size of oh horrendous awful like so bad you'd roll over and it'd all just fall off you it'd be disgusting. The worst.

You'd have to like lie on your back flat and just put them over you like tiles. And never move. Like a tile on the floor and never move. No, no, no. So what would happen is you'd have to take turns every night. So one night I would have to go around the whole family

putting the tiles on, right? The blanket tiles. And then be like, good night. And then the next night you'd have to do it everyone and the person who does it that night just has to sleep with the one just devastated every other night one of us would be absolutely good because you know how you lose most of your most of your heat goes from your feet in your head i think you would honestly have to just put one over your feet and one over your head and just lie there. Like the middle pages of a book just stapled. I'm so sad.

I'm loving my hot water bottle, by the way. Not allowed that, by the way. Oh, of course you're not. Not allowed that with the doobies. How ridiculous. No, no, not allowed. He's been very, very clear about this. It's time for What's Your Beef?

What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Right. Lily's first. So mine's kind of like an ick. Ick, icky beef. Lovely to hear. Just the other day when me and you obviously were away,

you went and put your backpack on your back really, just really weirdly and hurt your back. And it was like, it was just gross. And you know when you're like, oh God, I'm married to you. Right. So you put, what was it? Why did you do it? So it was to hurt, not hurt your back, but you hurt your back.

No, no, I didn't mean to hurt me back. Hurting back wasn't part of it. Right. So sometimes if I've got a jacket on or something where i think pulling it i just think if you've got layers on if you're not just wearing a t-shirt if you've got anything with long sleeves or even god forbid a coat as well and you pull a backpack on one arm and then you move your arm around the back and put another arm you're funny sometimes it like grabs your watch and that and i get my watch like caught on it and stuff and like scratch your watch sometimes you're just

pulling it around your jacket gets all hiked up and your hood ends up in it and stuff so the way i like to sometimes put my backpack on when i've got the space and the energy so listener dear listener this is me how-to guide so you pick your backpack up put it on a table or something in front of you or whatever so the back that so it's so that it's like the backpack is wearing you so you've got it the wrong way around in front of you not like you're going to put it on your front like a baby carrier you've got it in front of you but it's the wrong way around so it's facing away from you we get it hold each sort of strap with your hands like hold the right strap with your right hand and your left arm you're doing the action right and then just throw it up into the air over your head and extend your arms and it

goes on like you've put a jumper on. It goes on like you've swung it right round and put a jumper on. But I did it on an angle the other day and I pulled a muslimi back. What was that?

What was that? What? Your sexy people just jumping out the window. Dickhead. You got us there because you're actually waiting for a parcel,

aren't you? So I thought we'd go. I am waiting. Let's just check my text. Oh God! No text. Where's just check my text. Oh, God! No text. Where's me text, DPD? Where's me parcel, DPD?

I want my parcel. Okay. You got a beef with me? Yeah, of course I got a beef with you. Go on, then. Again, I don't know if I mentioned this before, but it's getting even more ridiculous now. It's getting...

Wow. Wow. You are absolutely beautiful no yes that as well you are absolutely terrified of the prospect of possibly being slightly cold for a minute or two well whenever we go anywhere yeah no listen what wherever we go anywhere it's fine well i need a coat do i need a coat and i may have mentioned this before but it gets even more ridiculous when we're touring together and we're going places right um on the on the flight to go to fly down south the other day i'm flying back you literally go i'll need me big coat and you take a you take a massive big coat.

And I go to you again and again, you won't need it. And you go, but what if I'm cold? Newcastle Airport, you carried around a massive fucking coat. Who carried it around? You carried it. Me, so what's your problem? It's got nothing to do with you. Oh, sorry, oh, sorry.

Did you not notice that? Because you were carrying that, I had to carry all the other stuff, like the stuff you bought. That's bullshit. I had to carry the stuff you bought. Fuck off. Right, we we're gonna fall out here all you do our entire relationship is offered to carry me fucking stuff which might on paper sound really nice it's irritating as shit if i want you to carry something for us right we'll be together 11 years

i'll i'll ask you wow i'm not i am not at the stage of being well-mannered to you anymore right if i'm if i'm struggling with something and you have got spare hands, I will say, could you please carry this all the time? Do you want me to carry that? No, I'm fine. Do you want me to carry that? No, I'm fine. I'm fucking fine.

I didn't ask you to carry my coat, so it's got nothing to do with you whether I carry my coat or not. The reason I had the beef about your backpack was it wasn't even the way you put it on because you can put your backpack on any fucking way you want, right? It was the fact that you hurt your back and you're literally like oh i've hurt my back i was like well if you didn't put your backpack on like a fucking moron then you wouldn't hurt your back me carrying my coat around it's got nothing to do with you okay it

then becomes something to do with me and i'm sorry that i'm so mad but i'm really triggered by this i'm so triggered because all you've done is moan about me taking my coat places but it's got nothing to do with you whether I take my coat or not. What? What's it got to do with you? I've got to be seen with you

while you carry big coats around. So what? They're not even that big. They're massive. They're massive. You were wearing a coat. You were carrying a coat. You had a coat in your bag.

It's ridiculous. You're terrified of being cold and then on the way back. I hate being cold. Listen, and then on the way back, on the way back, I had to leave most of my stuff with our tour manager because your coat took up loads of space in the case you didn't want to take anything you hate you hate having stuff i do hate carrying anything i hate other people carrying stuff especially fucking coats

my point is you never learn and you carry them around the whole time and on the way back that very same coat was in the case because you didn't need it and the other coat that you had you were carrying that fucker right well just know

that I've been caught out a few times and I've been cold right okay but you're saying it's like you caught hypothermia and you had to get fucking toes removed

well I've just I've been a bit sad when I've been cold there's no worse than being cold especially on like transport and stuff there's much worse

I'd rather be too cold on transport than too hot much rather no I disagree no carrying a load of bags

and that I would you can warm yourself up you can't cool yourself down in them situations well if it was hot I wouldn't have a coat you'd still take it

you've annoyed us I don't know if we can carry on you're invited to an immersive listening party I don't know if we can carry on. Davo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

For tickets, visit tso.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's the girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil.

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It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. The Impeders Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre

in Hamilton at 7.30 p.m. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. It's time for questions from the public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch with anything at all, a story, a would-you-rather, an embarrassing tale,

or indeed a question, old school, shaggedmaridanoid at gmail.com is where you want to send it. Hello, Ramses. Just a short one. That's what she said. I'm listening to the last episode, and the listener who wrote in about the guy wearing a denim jacket under a leather jacket.

Oh, Larry Lears. Love it. Yes, Larry Lears. My dad used to sit near a bloke at the football who was nicknamed Dulux because he always wore two coats. Dulux? Dulux.

Why? Like the paint. Oh, two coats. You've got to explain it, Chris. Oh, two coats. I'm sorry. God. I was thinking of the dog.

You are. Whenever you say Dulux. You're supposed to be. Whenever'm sorry. God. I was thinking of the dog. You are. Whenever you say Dulux. You're supposed to be. Whenever you say Dulux, I was thinking of the coat. I was thinking of the dog, sorry. But it is the dog? Yeah, but I was thinking so much of the dog

that I didn't think of the two coats. Is it a Dulux dog? Is that what the dogs are called? No, but I believe they have been now known as the Dulux dog, but I don't know what kind. Are they the same as the one from Magic Roundabout? But I don't know what they're called. But no, maybe they're not. I don't know the Dulux dog, but I don't know what kind. Are they the same as the one from Magic Roundabout? But I don't know what they're called.

I don't know, maybe they're not. I don't know. Dulux dog is not the name of them. Or is it? I don't know. Oh, Jesus. Google! Because you remember Labrador puppies?

They were the Andrex puppies. Yeah, but they were called Labradors. But I just saw the callers call them Andrex dogs. Yeah, but you think, okay. Tell you what, that is marketing done right isn't it oh crazy that is such clever marketing what kind of dog is the julux dog old english sheep dog there you go people will be screaming at us yeah there we go they've been synonymous with the julux brand uh common it's a common nickname julux dog is now a common nickname for the breed but they're

actually called old english sheep. You learn and you laugh on this podcast. Sometimes. Well, neither of those things are promised. Hello there, Mr. and Mrs. Ramsey. Long time listener, first time writing in.

Please keep me anonymous. Always. I've wanted to write in with this story for years, but I have never found the courage to press send. Years? Years. Years in the making. I've been with my husband for almost 10 years.

Same as us. When we first started dating we would spend a week at a time at each other's houses. As you know when you're young and in love things get frisky. They do indeed. When you're first getting to know each other, exploring and all that,

every little dark little crevice. Oh, aye. Remember? Do you remember? Blocked out. Blocked out my brain. Brilliant. Rosie, the crevices I found were too dark.

Shut up. Sorry. Awesome. sorry awesome anyway here's a little information that will help you understand my story when we first started dating it was around the time that we started getting charged for shopping bags do you remember what a fucking what a way to pinpoint that. That's absolutely fantastic. Do you know what? Yeah, I can really, really relate to exactly when that was. Yeah. Fantastic.

Same as when they stopped smoking in bars and nightclubs. I remember. Yeah, I remember. Remember. So it was around about that time when you started getting charged for shopping bags. Got you. And my now mother-in-law was ruthless when it came to recycling her bags. Okay. So moving on,

it was our week at his house and we had been at it like rabbits. Safely, of course, after sex, he disposes of his condom in his Asda bag lined bin for the supermarket bags

available. Oh God, I don't know where this is going. Oh God. Thinking nothing of it, a few days later, his mum goes on one of her bag recycling

searches around the house as she needed a bag to put her friend's Christmas gift in. Oh, no. Oh, I thought she was going to go to the shops with it. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus. She found a bag and off she went to meet her friends for Christmas lunch. A few hours later, a very angry mother-in-law slams her way into the house

calling my husband, then her way into the house, calling my husband, then boyfriend, into the kitchen, where she asked what he was putting in Asda bags instead of the bin. When it hit him, she had taken his empty bin bag to use to carry her friend's gifts. It just had one Johnny in it. Yeah. She then explained that her friend, and then boss, had found... one Johnny in it. Yeah.

She then explained that her friend and then boss had found... Oh, come all ye faithful. Is that a Christmas song? Yes, it is, yeah. Her boss had found, stuck to her gift set,

a five-day-old crusty used condom. Five-day-old. Sorry. Oh, my God. There's a condom on here. Four or five days old, thisy, used condom. Five days. Sorry. Oh my God. There's a condom on here. Four or five days old this, Janice. Easily four or five days old this.

Tell them. That is so bad. But I feel like Great. as parents now listening with young children, we all collectively need to remember these things.

Yes. Because when your kids are little, I just go into our boys' rooms like they're my room. I'm your kids are little, I just go into our boys' rooms, like they're my room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm in and out as I want. I'll take things.

I'll use things. I'll do whatever I want. Go through the drawers. All right, power play. No, I'm just... No, because it's my... I'm in charge of them. I know what you mean. Currently.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's going to come a time when I am not. Yeah. And I need to remember... You can't just barge in. Don't take a bin out don't take a bag

out of your bin's room because yes they're your bin they'll always be your bin but they also have sex with their partner and put their used condoms in there

and that like the thing is that's why I think you've just got to be like you need to empty your bin empty your bin clean your room

you clean your room and you empty your bin he has a bin line I put stuff in it why why because I don't want to fucking find your johnnies That's why, your cum socks, you dirty little pervert Sorry The thing is though, there's going to be a time when you're too busy

To think about, we'll not remember this story Yeah, I don't want to And we're going to be too busy and it's going to happen I aim to be retired when I'm 45 So I don't think so I'm not going to be busy You'll never retire at 45. That's bullshit.

Okay, 40. You'll be dead by then. Oh, of course. Yeah, I forgot. You will. Although, actually, no, you won't. You'll probably live

until you're 100, Nod. And what kept you alive? It was me anxiety. Kept us going. Like a rod. Like a rod up me back. Keeping us straight. Oh, God. He outlived we're all he outlived we're all even though he thought he was gonna die every other week

every day every day um do you know uh i think i told you this i went for a massage the other day when we were there yeah we stayed in a nice hotel i went for a massage and uh every single time i go for a massage they go oh my god the tension in your shoulders there's so many knots I go yeah it's just it's just me like every single massage

I have they are flabbergasted so what is that is that anxiety yeah it's just anxiety and stress and it's the way I carry myself

and they always do they run their like elbow across like the sort of the fleshy bit of the sort of top of your shoulder blade and it's like

it's like they're running it across our gravel drive it's like really and their like their elbows bumping up and down and they're like they're always so like you know the music's on and just like and breathe in and just doing that thing oh i love that you hear them you hear them put the little oil in their hands you hear little sort of portions opening that and it's all like quiet and it's like there's music on and then they just like go over me back and they always go oh god and like the other they're like they're like mortified at how horrible and tight my body is always i had a gorgeous facial

but you're welcome awful but i just i just had a massage and because i've got a little bit of a cold my head was like down for the massage yeah and then obviously my nose got really blocked yeah um i told you though didn't i my nose got really blocked yeah I told you though didn't I me nose got really blocked and at one point I like wiped me nose with me hand

and then you were like did the massage your feet and I was like yeah it was lovely and you were like oh when they do your hands and I was like oh she didn't do my hands

yeah yeah of course she didn't do your hands she just said pick in your nose I had to wipe it on the towel on me way up oh great on me way up

oh that's disgusting. So when I took my head out of the slot, my nose, I forgot to do this. So there was just like water dripping down my nose. Not pure,

but just like, you know, so I had to like wipe it discreetly on the towel as I turned over. And then she was doing my facial.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't breathe I couldn't breathe so I was having to breathe out my mouth like the thing the very thing you tell me off for doing

yeah poor lady oh god yeah that's still I'm not they always go like I always have a massage and it's always nice

but whenever I have one they go you need to have these more regularly and I'm like yeah it's probably going to take us a good few months to get over the stress

and anxiety of having this massage um so why do you find it why i just find them stressful oh god i just i just find them stressful i don't know like the least stressful thing in the world it's not man it's not because if it wears me so i get obsessed with like symmetry so i'm like if my face if my face is in the circle do you count how many times i've touched no but if you do one side a bit more i'm like great i'm opening circles for a week i'm gonna fall over i'm gonna be unbalanced if they do one bit a bit more i'll count and i'll be like right so she's done that and then oh you don't yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so i'm like she's done a bit more on the right

hand side there she's done an elbow and thing down then she's done something upon right she missed the elbow on the left side great i'm gonna'm going to die. You know the little hole in the thing? Yeah. Sometimes the little hole in the thing, it's touching one, it might be touching one of me eyes, but it isn't touching the other eye, so if I'm not symmetrical in that,

I'm like, oh God. But then if I move, I'm like, oh, they're going to think something's wrong. Oh, if they go near me feet, I want to die. I don't think you should get them anymore. I don't like the bit where they go to do your back, and they pull the towel down.

Right past your arse. They basically pull your underpants down and they tuck the towel in just down your arse crack. What are you doing? I know, it is a bit intense, isn't it? I said I wanted a massage, not to take my temperature. I want to fucking check what I've had for my breakfast. I don't know.

It's always weird. I know they're professional and I know, you know, it's like I've never been like a back laying massage I'm never there's never any fear of a wank or anything

but I just oh god it's just so stressful they're just I don't know they're like oh I do not turn over and move down the bed

oh god and then they do I don't relax to be fair my mind goes mad they lift your leg up they lift your leg up she do the thing where she lifts your leg up

and I'm like oh I can't relax my legs so it feels like I'm pushing my leg against her I'm like oh I can't relax my legs so it feels like I'm pushing my leg against her I'm like oh this is I think my inside my head

when I'm having a massage I'm probably burning thousands of calories because my brain's going fucking off it off it side note as well I can't imagine

anything worse than getting a happy ending after a massage can't imagine anything worse well having a wank after a massage I would I would

die on the spot why I would I don't know I would be ill a wank after a massage I would die on the spot why? I don't know I would be ill I would be ill if they were like oh do you want the wank now? I'd be like one

you've ruined the mood by asking formally well surely it could be it could be sorted before you go in couldn't think of anything worse but then all the way through you'd be thinking when's the wank

when they're going to do it I can't imagine one I don't think it's a thing I think it's an urban myth i don't think it's fully a thing nah chris chris right well the massage right well the massage can't be that good then i just i don't like um so my whole thing with paying for sex right and i i don't know whether this is why i don't think many women pay for sex I might I could be completely wrong

there could be a world that I don't know about and your rich housewives of Beverly Hills and all them they'll use they might do they'll use proper

lush male escort agencies in America for like 10 grand a night and that possibly I don't know but then you would just always know that you are

paying them well yeah I think is that not part of the thing? Is it? Don't know. Because I'd always be like, I don't know whether I'd be like, are you okay? Oh, yeah, you would be like, how much extra for cuddles after?

But I just don't think it would be as enjoyable. And would I need to be caught? What will the temperature be in the room what will we be called do you think it's like a power thing that they might enjoy more because I can just imagine like if you worked in a massage parlour that gave wangs

right as me as a person if I was a masseuse yeah every time I see one with a wang I'd be like oh for fuck's sake what if it was on the comes through on the system it would be like oh for fuck's sake what if it was on the what it comes through on the system comes through on the system you'd go it would be like

no it'd be like it comes through on the boot and four on the computer it might do oh I've had a Julia I've had a cancellation what you got on the system

well I've got a I've got a massage and a wank at three oh I've got just a wank at four that's good like no Chris it's not

I guarantee it's not computerized. It's definitely illegal in this country anyway. Is it? It's definitely not computerized. Right, okay, well then it'll be

some sort of secret, it'll be like a star next to it. So you could be like at two o'clock you'd have such, like, you know, Bruce in for just something

and you'd be going, oh God, thank God, I've only got the back and neck. Yeah. You'd be like, get in. No,

no, again, all day you'd be thinking I'm going to have to wank him off. No, I'm telling you, no one goes to the, no one in the world has ever gone to the wank massage parlor and went,

can you sort out my sciatica? I very much believe the massage would be... Do you not think they're a real massage? I believe the massage level would be the same as the other day when our kids were trying to massage us and they were just slapping our back. So you don't think they're trained masseuses i absolutely don't think they they're not gonna sort your vertebrae out your scoliosis are they no they're gonna put a bit oil on your back

and then wank you off and send you home and if anything i feel like the wank will last longer than the massage they're not gonna so you're telling me they're not even they're not even being on a course no they've not been on a course. They will not have seen a poster of the human anatomy. I guarantee it. They're not. So they don't even pretend. There's not even a little ounce of like,

I guarantee it. When they put the oils in your face. Maybe none of that. And I tell you what, once someone's wiped their nose on a towel, that'll not get changed for a few weeks. Oh God. And the wipe on the nose will be the least of your worries.

Did I never tell you when I lived in Chorlton in Manchester and I was looking for a physio and I typed in massage near me and it was a working place. So how can you tell me that they don't exist? They clearly exist? Yeah. They clearly exist?

Yes, they absolutely exist. Yeah, I think what I've done is I think I've talked myself round during this of that it's not a massage at all. It's just a brothel this of that it's not a massage at all it's just a brothel it's just a brothel i think it's just a brothel yeah i think so i don't yeah like i say they're not like we got a lot of tension here there was something on real housewives and one of them said it's like a sign to get a like a happy ending yeah yeah so if you're getting a massage like when you when you kind of like rub yourself from side to side not real like you put your hand like on your leg and over and

over and then that's a sign to them like oh jesus i can't go oh i can't do what if i do that by accident now what if next time you wouldn't love to have a wank at the end of a massage you would not like a wank at the end of a massage. I absolutely would not like a wank at the end of a massage. Why wouldn't you? For one thing, I'm married. I'm married to you. Take me out of the equation. Who am I married to then? Nobody. She got a wanking.

No. You're single? No, I'm all right. Really? It just makes us nervous. No, I'm absolutely okay for it. If I was single and I was thinking I'd be worried all the way through. I couldn't enjoy it.

Because you'd literally be like, when are they going to start? I couldn't enjoy it. What's way through. I couldn't enjoy it. Because you'd literally be like, when are they going to start? I couldn't enjoy it. What's the rank? I couldn't enjoy it. But that's the thing. To men, does it matter what people look like if you get a happy ending? Because what if you were laying there? Well, no.

When you're on your front, there's a towel over your face. Could be anyone. What do they do underneath the table? No, no. You lie on your back. When you lie on your back, they put the towel over your face when they massage the front of your body, don't they? You know quite a lot about this. Because I had a fucking massage last week, not a wank.

I'm saying you lie on your back and they put a towel over your face. No, they don't. That's what she did to me. Oh, my heart. Did she not want to look at my face? Am I ugly? She put a towel on your face? She put a towel over my face when I was lying on my back.

No. She put a towel over my face. Yeah. Is that my bad? She did. She put it over my face and she pushed in where my eyes are. She pushed her two little thumbs in where my eyes are. Why did you put a towel over your face?

I don't know, am I repulsive? Did you get a wank? Not that I know of. I mean, I drifted off at one point, maybe. You don't get a towel over your face. Rosie should put a towel over my face. A hot towel. No, it's just a towel.

I haven't ever had a towel over my face. You just shut your eyes? Yeah,'ve never had a towel over my face you just shut your eyes yeah but you put the towel over and like I said she pushed over and she pushed in her two little thumbs

where my eyes were and it sort of dented in a bit and I just had the towel over me it was actually quite nice because I was like then one of my worries

disappeared did you have a towel over your crotch obviously right and then so yeah you put a towel

you literally do repulsor yeah I think that's it well but then it was much, with the towel over my face, it was so much better because then I didn't have to worry about what I was doing with my face.

Oh God, she's probably seen your face. You were probably like, come on. She probably felt the tension in it. She was probably getting one knot out and another one was popping back up. Or she just thought, I'm not going to give him any eye contact because I've given too many wangs today.

I'm all wanged out. All wanged out. I got gotta come full of buckets and i'm fucking full of cum in the corner and i'm all wanked out right oh that was a long wank chat it was hello chris and rosie ramsey i have a funny story well i think it is me and my hubby have been together for five years and nearly been married for one year impending anniversary congratulations oh they've been married for nearly one year yeah not nearly been married for one year i did say nearly been married for one so it's coming up to a year right because nearly been married for one year implies that every other day they're like should we go to the registry office oh it's too late we'll go tomorrow no oh busy again oh god oh it's closed on a sunday afternoon we'll go next weekend nearly being married for a year oh right no you're wrong when me and my

hubby first got together it was long distance and we would be travelling between cities to see each other. Totally in love, of course, and raring for bed as soon as we saw each other. Okay. On one occasion, in squeaky bed, as we called it, in brackets, I had a horrendous metal bed. Okay. We were in between making sweet love, missionary style. Oh, love it. And my hubby... Lazy.

Love missionary. Lazy. My hubby misheard what I said. I said something like, that's it. Where he thought I said, slap my tits. To which he then... Slap my tits! Oh, why would that be a thing?

To which he then randomly slapped my tits. I was shocked, but wanted to act like, oh, okay, this is what he likes. And continued with it. I can't remember how long later, but we spoke about it, something like, oh, you like that then? Which he replied, no, I thought you wanted that. We then realised what had happened. Now, randomly, we sometimes bring it up, just saying, slap my tits.

Just wondering if you've ever had any funny happenings during your most intimate moments. You know, I'm imagining? You know when a boxer does the speed bag? Like... I'm imagining that. Slap my tits. That's awful.

I think you just must have slapped them. Like upwards. Like an uppercut. Yeah. Boosh! Would that not hurt? Nah. No? Pretty robust tits. Unless you're due on. Right, okay. Boosh Yeah Would that not hurt? Nah Nah?

Pretty robust Tits Unless you're due on Right okay If you're due on They'd hurt But at that time Nah look Slap mine now

Listen Ready? 1, 2, 3 Jesus Christ That was actually quite hard Yeah they don't hurt Are you okay? They've actually not got much

Unless you're due on Or on your period Other than that Fat glance man Fat glance Stop You're freaking us out Do you want a slap? No Unless you do one on your period. Other than that, fat glands, mate. Fat glands. Stop freaking us out. Do you want a slap? No.

Go on, Bron. I've got my tan on. Go on, have a slap. I've got a nibble on. Oh, you like it, don't you? Still got it. Still got it. That might be a new law for the podcast.

What? You slapping your own tits. Oh, God. Oh, man alive. Hi, Ramses. I was just listening to the episode where you spoke about Prince being able to suck himself off. Allegedly.

Allegedly. I know he's dead, but I don't want his estate getting in touch and trying to fucking do over. I do forget who's dead and who's alive. I do forget who's dead and who's alive. When you just said, because he's dead, I was like, is he dead?

He is. It reminded me of the celebrity rumours that went round my high school. Celebrity rumours that went round this person's high school. Yeah. Right. I shouldn't laugh. The first one was when Michael Jackson died.

I was in year seven at the time and the rumour going round the entire school. God, they were in year seven. I was on tour when Michael Jackson died. I was working in Rhodes. Twitter crushed. The rumour going round the entire school was that his ghost haunted our science block. god they were in year 7 I was on tour when Michael Jackson died I was working in Rhodes Twitter crashed the rumour going round the entire school was that his ghost

haunted our science block his ghost haunted their science block where? in England? yeah but he died in Neverland

many many kids had seen him multiple times walking through the corridors as an 11 year old I fully believed this and wanted to be

the last and didn't want to be the last person To walk in the classroom In case it crapped me I grew up in North West London So it was extremely unlikely That Michael Jackson's spirit Decided to make his way to London

To haunt a basic school in a poor neighborhood And on a quiet night Just outside the physics lab decided to make his way to London to haunt a basic school in a poor neighborhood. And on a quiet night, just outside the physics lab, if you see his name three times in the reflection of the mirror and you really listen, you'll just hear a faint... Hee hee! You're going to do it.

Do you remember some of the stuff at school? Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Here he is he's coming can you hear him kids can you hear him

do you remember at school the candy man yeah yeah I was terrified of that yeah don't say it three times say candy man three times in the mirror't say it three times say Candyman

three times in the mirror say Bloody Mary three times in the mirror um oh yeah the stuff you'd believe absolute horse shit great

so one kid just decided to say it so seeing that Michael Jackson had died on the news and they went oh he honed some of science blocks

and all the other kids went ah he honed ah god fucking idiots oh great but I mean

I'd have believed stuff like that oh same babadoo babadoo babadoo bah g'day Chris and Rousey from Australia

just started your podcast and absolutely loving it thank you very much question for you but a bit of a backstory okay sorry take that bit out I hadn't edited it out

no no what no say that again why just say it all again Bit of a backstory. Okay. Sorry, take that bit out, Daisy. I hadn't edited it out. No, no. What? No. Say that again. Why? Just say it all again. Just started your podcast and absolutely loving it.

Question for you, but bit of a backstory. Or is it an outback story? Wow. Eh? Well done. Eh? Might not be worth it, but there you go. It's not worth it.

My sister bought me a massage gun for my birthday. Oh, a massage day does it wank you off at the end well are you ready for this a few months into using it i discovered a different use for it oh god oh my what pervert i use it when i'm alone and sad to uh massage my pickle about one to two times a week. Is this a woman? No. Pickle? Yeah. Penis?

Yes. This is a grown man calling his penis a pickle on an email. Yeah. He's Australian. They might call it pickle over there. I still don't think I'm okay with that. Tickle my pickle.

Now that you've said it like that, I'm 100% okay with it. Yeah. So he uses it on there, which is, you know, it's his massage gun. He can do whatever he wants with it. Sorry, I've got a massage gun. I'm 100% okay with it. Yeah. So he uses it on there. You know, it's his massage gun. He can do whatever he wants with it. Sorry, I've got a massage gun.

That would hurt like fuck. Yeah, yeah. Quick question, right? Have you seen the vibrators in America? Them like massive ones that plug in the wall. And they're huge. Plug in the wall? They use them in porn all the time.

They're like massive big ones. Like they look like proper massagers. Sorry, they plug in the wall. Yeah, I'm sure they do. Not battery, not rechargeable. Well, I'm sure you could probably just charge them, but they're massive. Plug in the wall.

Have you seen them? They're huge. I think they must be really old school or just like that's what they use. No, I don't remember talking about them. I was a real tiny. Dinky ones. Anyway.

That's mental. You've not got a story about that. That was just all you wanted to say that's all I wanted to say I can't imagine in what world I would trust putting something

that is plugged into the wall inside my body I can't imagine what world that would be I don't think any women just want to put this out there don't think anyone's

sticking them inside unless they're filming it for money maybe if you're filming it for money fair enough maybe I might be wrong girls are you doing that when you're having a for money, fair enough. Maybe, I might be wrong.

Girls, are you doing that when you're having a wanker? I don't really get it. Okay. Yeah, just... Let it vibrate on the outside. It's all about the clitoral action, Chris. It's not... Nobody wants a penetrative wanker. You heard it here first, guys.

Yeah, well done. Right, okay, so listen. It goes on. I moved in with my two nans, aged 107 and 74, a year ago. It goes on. I moved in with my two nans aged 107 and 74 a year ago. Sorry. Yeah. Why are your two nans living together?

So I think it's his nana and his great nana. Oh. So I think it's his grandma and his grandma is obviously the 74. Of course, 107 and 74. Wow. And then their great grandma is 107.

So I'm guessing. And one's 30 odd. Oh my God. Yeah. So, you know, just... Lucky to have both of them still, fair enough. Lush, isn't it? They are very lucky for what you're doing under their roof, which I'm about to hear about.

Well, among them living here, my nan, 74-year-old, the younger one, found my massage gun and said, you mean to tell me I've got hip problems and you've had this all along? Oh, God. She then grabbed it took it out and used it on her hip she unfortunately really likes it and now also uses it a couple of times a week on her vagina no and now she's pregnant oh jesus your child no that is not it stop my question is i'm so sorry i'm so sorry there's a question do I tell her

what I use it for or is ignorance bliss in this case I haven't stopped using it for my purpose but I do clean it couple of things yeah

clean it God almighty don't tell her maybe buy her a own you're living there rent free you piece of shit buy her a own

as a little present if not please continue to clean it maybe even buy a different head for it and have one head for you one head for her I would say they'd buy her one

my mate of mine gave me one and I've got all the different there's loads of different heads you know you can have your pickle head awful and have a head that you give her stop calling your dick a pickle that's the three things I need you to take away

from this correspondence thank you for getting in touch have you ever used a vibrator on your penis? No. It might be quite nice. I'm alright. Like, again. It's a time thing, isn't it?

I just think. One day we'll have loads of time, you know. We're going to have loads of time on our hands. We could literally, one day, Chris. One day we could spend a full day. Right? Uninterrupted.

Just trying out loads of stuff On your penis Can I go to Jiu Jitsu instead? Yeah Thank you So boring Thank you so much Thank you for listening to this week's episode

Of Shag Maradonoid Which is part of the Acast Creator Network. It is indeed. Thank you so, so much for listening. Shagmarinoid at gmail.com if you want to get in touch. Shagmarinoid.com if you want to hoover up the last few tickets

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