Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 248. Breaded Ham

Episode Date: December 15, 2023

This week on the podcast - there’s a sickness bug in the Ramsey household… plus Chris and Rosie discuss fancy nursery food and trying to eat healthily on tour. QFTPs include an *ALLEGED* horse attack victim, a mistaken identity in the cookie aisle and some very funny job interviews.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theatres Friday. Get tickets now. Hello. You're listening to Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey.

Hello! Hi. Hello. You're good? I am, you know. You got your little crumpet blanket on? Well, it's bloody Baltic in this studio. I've got a giant crumpet blanket, which we got from, I think we got given up Warburton's years ago. Warburton's, yeah. And I've got the radiator in between my crotch.

Yeah, I can hear it rattling every now and then. It's a little oil plug in radiator. It's not the radiator, Chris. Right, that's just your crotch. That's my vagina. That's your rattling, like, what they're called? Marley and Marley. Is it Marley and Marley? The chains?

It's just Jake and Marley in it, but Marley and Marley because I've just been watching A Muppets Christmas Carol. Yeah, that's my only reference. We're Marley and Marley. Such a good film, that, you know. Unbelievable. I'm glad they've never tried to replicate it. But you know that is a replication of something else.

Yes, I know it is but nowadays when Charles Dickens wrote it he didn't think I'll have Gonzo playing me but nowadays they're usually that's about 20 odd year old that film if not more crazy

but all good hope you're all well out there hope you're keeping your head screwed on and getting everything sorted for Christmas I've been rapping in the middle of the night I've been rapping presents as well Hope you're all well out there. Hope you're keeping your head screwed on and getting everything sorted for Christmas. I've been rapping. I've been rapping in the middle of the night. I've been rapping presents as well. You were done by 10 o'clock.

For me, that is the middle of the night. Right? When I'm at home. When I'm at home, I like to be in bed nice and early. Nice and early. But it's freezing cold in the room. We're here. We hope you're all right.

And we're going to crack straight on. Before going any further, thank you so much for listening. Thank you, obviously, for just being part of our daft little world and again, a big shout out to everyone on the tour who's been amazing as well. But before we go any further, it's time for this week's lucrative.

Lucrative. Lucrative sponsor. It's episode 248, by the way. This week's sponsor is... Desperately trying to not catch your kid's bug while still attempting to parent them. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Oh, you're not welcome here. Cuddle daddy, but don't breathe on us. I mean... Gaze a cuddle, but don't look at us. Face either way. Cough into that cushion. When I gave... Ray's had a bug.

He's had a sickness bug, right? Horrible. Genuinely, touch wood. No, no, no, no, no! No! What? Don't, don't, don't. Don't say anything.

I'm not saying about us. I think he's a lot better. Oh, yeah, he's a lot better. Fucking hell, let us speak. Sorry, I thought you... No, I thought you were going to don't. Don't say anything. I'm not saying about us. I think he's a lot better. Oh, yeah, he's a lot better. Fucking hell, let us speak. Sorry, I thought you were going to jinx it by saying something stupid. No, I haven't said anything like that. Because he belatedly caught it at nursery on Friday

and then started being sick yesterday, which was Monday. So I am. If I'm on stage, if we're both on stage in Liverpool or Newcastle, probably by the time frame, or maybe even Birmingham tomorrow, and we start throwing up and shitting ourselves

then that's what I hate. I've thought about it. I've genuinely thought about it a lot. To the point where I'm like I might have to wear pads. On your arse? Maybe.

Chris, I was lying in bed last night thinking about what if I shit myself on stage? Because what can... I said to you I was like is there any contingency plan for either of us?'s like no you just gotta go do it the show the show must go on so i've done i've said before milton keen stables me and carl were both in the

cubicles a cubicle next to each other i was shitting the back end out and carl was shitting his back end out while being sick into the sink that was in front of him and the tour manager popped his head in and said five minutes till showtime and we both went okay wipe my mouth wipe my asses and went and got on stage like carl went on first then he came off and he was sick again and then i went on i've done um i think it was aberdeen yeah i knew you did it when you had a sick book i did the whole thing with a sick book to the side of me at the side of me at the floor and And it was, again, Aberdeen are always an amazing crowd. Big love to anyone who was there.

But after each punchline, the moment where I had to hold the sick back, I feel like they enjoyed that more than the actual jokes. I was literally like... And I'd stand and go... And they were like... I had to cut the show three minutes short. No one complained.

Because I just think they could tell that I wasn't bullshitting and they knew that I was really really in a bad way so that might hey that might be you this week

can't wait it will be me because I'm the one who's had to bloody nurse him through his nurse him I think you'll find I did all the bio

has her tidying up yesterday hell of a day that Christ I had the washing machine on non-stop well I didn't he was sick six times during the night.

Didn't catch it once. Hey, I know. Because I went to the bath where you put all the bedding. It's a weird thing as well. So when your partner's been with the kid and the kid's been being sick and they go like, oh, look, I've just thrown all the bedding in the bath.

I didn't ask you to do it. No, no. You're very much off. Of course not. I would have done it myself. We're a team. I've sorted it. You were looking after him.

I sorted it. So you go, oh, there's a pile of pyjamas've sorted it you were looking after him I sorted it so you go oh there's a pile of pyjamas on top of there and you get pyjamas and you go oh there's not much here and then you get the next bed sheet

and you go there's not much here and you realise you're going through like they were the final ones that you put on where there's just a bit I got to the bottom

and I was like oh my the main meal was at the bottom because that was the beginning my god I was like what's your tone about throw them away

these are all clean gosh it's so ridiculous these I got the bottom I was like, what are you talking about? Throw them away. These are all clean. Gosh, it's so ridiculous. These, I got the bottom. I was like, bin liner. Fucking bin liner. That bed sheet. Oh my God. By the end, it was just bile.

Like it was just water. He was drinking water. It was just water. Oh, come on. I know. Come on. But the first bit. Oh, Jesus.

Did he have kidney beans? You know, it was, it would be enough of his fruit bread that he had before bed oh like sultanas and that I was like what horrible three o'clock in the morning

I was like it's these kidney beans in here oh god three o'clock in the morning it's a it's a lot of chilli it's a whole

who's who's made this kid a homemade chilli well they get mad meals at nursery man have you seen what they get at nursery yeah but he was

fucking sick on Monday like on Sunday night oh yeah true Jesus but have you seen some I've seen what they get at nursery. Yeah, but he was fucking sick on Sunday night. Oh, yeah, true. Jesus. But have you seen some of the mad stuff they get? They used to do it at Robin's Nurseries as well. I want to go in and give everyone a slap and go, can you just...

Kids didn't like keeps. Chicken nuggets. Chicken nuggets, chips, beans. Fish fingers. Like, I go, did he eat his dinner? Oh, it was hummus and lentil soup, so no. What? Never in the fucking world. Never in the world he didn't have hummus. He didn't have hummus and lentil soup, so no. What? Never in the fucking world.

Never in the world he didn't have hummus. He didn't have hummus and lentil soup, did he not? Oh. Salad, do you remember one time,

that was Robin's nursery. He didn't, he didn't touch his, his salad. Oh, did he not? Did he not touch his salad? Oh, I imagine he didn't. Sorry,

these three-year-olds didn't want their salad. I can't, I can't believe that. Wow, madness. Salad. I didn't sorry these three year olds didn't want their salad I can't I can't believe that wow madness salad I didn't start eating salad

till my twenties I'm not even joking I didn't have a salad until I was over possibly even over 25 even now I just sometimes I get

you did it too you got a bag of salad out the fridge and you went I'm not even going to bother it's mainly water it's nothing you've got to have some

vegetable or something instead I'd rather have a raw carrot or something but you know what I'm not enjoying it but I'm not even going to bother. It's mainly water. It's nothing. You've got to have some vegetable or something instead. Like, I'd rather have a raw carrot or something. But you know what, I'm not enjoying it but I'm doing it because I don't want to die tomorrow.

I've not touched that quiche and salad. Oh God. How's he been today? Yeah, he's been great. Honestly, he didn't even dip his caviar.

Caviar? He didn't have a dip in his caviar. Unbelievable. Honestly, that, listen, he ate all the courses but he didn't want a dip in his caviar unbelievable honestly that listen he ate all the courses

but he didn't want the sorbet in between courses and we're all shocked what kind of nursery do you think he's at I don't know I'm aiming high

I'm dreaming big great hey there was a time when hummus was extremely posh for me I remember when I had a party and I hadn't been

doing stand up long and I'd been to that London and a mate of mine had given us hummus for the first time and I hadn't been doing stand-up long and I'd been to that London and a mate of mine had given us hummus for the first time and I you know that you love hummus

well like so Russell Cain comedian Russell Cain he used to whenever he saw us he just used to shout hummus is lush because I got introduced

to hummus by another comedian but while I was sort of supporting Russell Cain and I walked into a dressing room when I saw Russell Cain and I was like man I was like

have you had hummus and he went yeah and I went it's lush and he was just like, man, I was like, have you had hummus? Oh God. Yeah. And I went, it's lush, like it's, and he was just like,

he couldn't believe it that I'd never had it before. you're such an uncultured swine. Well, this is the worst bit. I'm sure I've told you this. I don't know. I didn't know hummus is lush. The comedian who introduced it to it

was called Chris Martin. Obviously not Chris Martin Copley, but Chris Martin. He lives in America now. He's doing very well in America. And I went to his house, his mum and dad's house. That's how young we were.

He lived with his mum and dad. And he was doing pita breads in the toaster. And he was like, yeah, do you want, if you had this before? And I was like, what is it? He was like, it's hummus.

And I was like, what? And he was like, it's kind of like garlic dip, but like not. He was trying to explain it to us. And I had it and I was just like, fuck, I couldn't believe it. And I went home to Manchester

where I lived at the time when I was renting. And I bought so much of it and so much white pita bread I made myself constipated. I know that. I made myself constipated because I just ate it constantly.

I remember waking up the middle of the night with a really bad pain in my stomach. I was like, fuck, I need some water. And I had some water and I felt the hummus and the pita start working its way through us.

And I was like, right, I need to stop doing that. Unpopular opinion. I'm not that like the hummus and the pitta like start working its way through us and i was like right i need to stop doing that unpopular opinion i'm not that keen on hummus this entire marriage has been a sham i'm not i'm i'll eat it but it's not i'm not that bothered by it i find it a bit shit bit shit it's just chickpeas you know caramelized onion hummus nah red pepper hummus nah spicy chili hummus no baba ganoush love a bit baba ganoush baba do baba baba ganoush i do like a baba ganoush to be fair you never i can't i never really say it in the shops nah i think it's a bit complicated to make um yeah hummus i could make you hummus you know if you want uh want. No, no, I'm all right.

Honestly, I'm enjoying how regular I go to the toilet at the minute. I feel like you making us one. I don't like giving you compliments, you know this, but I feel like one you would make would be incredible. Oh, that's nice. I thought you were going to be a dick. No, no, and I feel like it would be... It would be dip central.

I'd be like, oh, oh yes bring that lorry of white pitta down beep beep beep yeah nah I'm arid for that

please don't ever make us hummus because I feel like I would die listen for your birthday no I'll make you

a vat of hummus sir your hot tub of hummus Do you know what I would Quite like for Christmas Have you got us anything For Christmas yet

I can neither Confirm or deny I'd like a bread maker Like a bread machine Do you not Can you not put some In the fucking oven No because you've got

A knead in that This kneads it and stuff Oh right I'd like a bread maker So you want it to be easier Than putting it in the oven Yeah Right Do you know what's even easier than putting it in the oven yeah right

do you know what's even easier than that what going to the fucking shop I know what it is but I would quite like oh God I'll buy me own

just think if you hadn't got us anything yet right okay I'm going to google them now oh no no no why are you sending it over

I hate it why do you do this we had a fight about the jingle jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle jingle so this is the jingle jingle Hello and welcome back to this week's, I was going to say edition, of Shag Maradonoid.

Just been checking out the bread makers. Honestly, bench space. We're running out of bench space. There's air fryers, there's toasters, there of Shag Maradonoid. Yeah. Just been checking out the bread makers. Honestly, bench space. We're running out of bench space. There's air fryers, there's toasters, there's all kinds on that bench. I know there is too much. Coffee machines. Too much.

Honestly, it's going to be like bloody whacking into Dixon's shortly, just seeing a load of shit everywhere. It's just so much, there's so many gadgets to buy nowadays. Like, it's so exciting. I just, you just watched a video there for a bread maker and and

the woman on the video it looked great to be fair yeah but she was like you can set it and you can wake up to fresh bread every morning i like i'm not one of these dickheads who cuts bread out but i i used to be captain bread like i ate a fucking shitload of everything i ate was bread based i was like i haven't had bread for ages actually what are you doing there I don't know I just love the idea of it the kids eat bread

I love the smell of bread right I'll tell you what don't get us one actually you're right because we're really going to get you I'm going to get you

some bread perfume I would love that spray it on and you just smell like a hot loaf of bread all day fucking mate I'd get so much action

again I'm not imagine bread perfume you'd get a fucking yeast infection is what you'd get so much action again i'm not imagine bread purview you get a fucking you get a yeast infection um it's i'm not like i'm not these cut out bread dickhead i'm not but i have tried to to sort of cut down on how much bread because i i think i told you once before when me and my mate michael was at uni well i went down to his house in Leeds and I stayed with him. And I came in drunk one night and he went to bed and I was like,

I'm going to make a sausage sandwich. And we put the sausages... Oh no, he was in the kitchen. We put the sausages in the frying pan. And sausages take fucking ages. He got two slices of bread out for him and he got two slices of bread out for me of a brand new loaf of bread

and pissed. I butted and ate the rest of the loaf of bread while we're waiting for the sausages how are you so thin don't know malnutrition he sent us he sent us to the shop in the morning to buy another loaf of bread like raging he was like what the fuck did you do last night and i was like just while we're waiting for the sausage but at a slice ate it but people who leave and you've started doing this now i I never, if you notice, you've got a little butter dish now in the kitchen that you put butter in to go to room temperature. Yeah.

If you notice, I never top that up, and you always kick off because I never top it up. Because I don't, room temperature butter is dangerous for me. Okay, all right, okay. Dangerous. How the tables have turned. Yeah. So you have my life for the fact that I can't have crisps in the house.

Yeah. Yet here's Mr. Fucking Baked Goods. Can't be around a knob of butter in case he downs his loaf of bread. How dare you? Pot kettle. Speaking of pot kettle, last night when Irapping presents For certain individuals That we know I was I ate a full tube of Pringles

We're kids by the way Just in case anyone's Like swearing If anyone has got their kids Around whilst listening to this They probably should have The kids taken off Fair enough then

Unless they're like tiny And don't understand But I'm sorry But not There's one thing That I don't ever want to ruin For anyone And it's that

It's the big man with the beard of course yeah full tube of Pringles last night I watched probably two thirds

of Die Hard while wrapping presents two bottles of Corona two full one full tube of Pringles good for you full tube did you love it

went for it the whole time I was just like I'm becoming rosy it's completely true what you say about Pringles once you pop once you open it up and then you start eating them out of it once you pop

you can't once you don't I'll get mad once you pop you just can't stop it's got a ring to it once you've opened the tube and you start to consume them you can't return to a state of not consuming them. That's the slogan. Oh, yeah.

That was definitely on the advert in the 90s. You prick. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. So just speaking of Pringles and that, we're on tour at the minute. And I'm trying to be good. I've lost a little bit of weight. I'm feeling quite good.

What? Okay, yeah. I don't know exactly what you're going to say and I can add to this, but yeah, go on. So a couple of weeks ago, we were getting pizzas after the gig and I was like, I can't be eating pizzas at like 11 o'clock at night.

Yeah, that's a lot like. Do you know what I mean? I'm not pissed. It's just, I can't be eating pizzas. So I was like, right, we're not going to get any. And so last week, Chris and I got into bed and went to the office after a gig, ate three packets

of crisps each I was like might as well share the pizza three packets of crisps might as well share the pizza on the trot I was crunching them crisps

so loud I couldn't hear the office on laptop squares I thought I thought you were going to mention the fact that at the beginning of the tour the tour manager said

right what do you want in the dressing room and I was like right I used to have like twixes and stuff I was like right none of that bananas you were like yeah nuts apples, pistachios apples, pistachios we've got a week in in the dressing room and I was like right I used to have like Twix's and stuff I was like right none of that bananas

you were like yeah nuts apples, pistachios apples, pistachios we got a week in and we had to go right you need to stop buying them

because we're not eating them like at one point there was a fresh six pack of apples in every gig I've been taking them home

we can't get through them quick enough it's ridiculous sorry sorry just wanted to flag up we're not as healthy as we thought we'd be

at the beginning of the tour, so can you please, the nuts and the bananas and the apples, you need to cut them right down because we've got a fucking surplus now. The kids are sick of apples and bananas. Robin's going to start taking them in for the teachers. Not because he's a swat,

just because he's my dad. I've got apples on there right now. Delusions of grandeur at the beginning of the tour. Yeah, yeah, pistachios, apples. I've literally got about seven bags. I might put pistachio nuts in with people's presents. Oh, swear to God. What about seven yeah yeah pistachios apples i've literally got about seven bags i might put pistachio nut in with people's presents oh i swear to god what about seven bags of pistachio nuts i'm not even joking it's ridiculous absolutely pathetic babadoo babadoo babadoo back it's time for what you be what you be what you be what you be beef beef beef beef

could you now you first oh okay right alright then alright yeah yeah yeah okay so might be with you at home we're very very lucky we've got an on-suite bathroom yes okay

so Chris and I don't share a bathroom we don't get ready in the same bathroom because I've got my bathroom you've got your bathroom yeah

it's a lovely way to live right but obviously when we're away in hotels and in dressing rooms, we are sharing bathrooms again, right? You,

you do this green phlegmy shit in the sink, right? No, I'm not shitting in the sink. That sounds like I'm shitting in the sink. It's from your mouth. It's like greeny phlegm. You cough it up. It's vile, right? But that's fair enough.

Get off your chest you don't like rinse the sink after you so there's just like dried bits of grem

right around the sink and it's really turning my stomach that's not from spit that's from putting a finger over one nostril

and blasting me nose oh god is that what it is yeah yeah is it dried snot yeah yeah yeah fresh from the snout fresh from the snout oh it's like they look like them they're like green special k why are you doing this sorry oh i know exactly where you're talking it's every place we've been

i'm sorry i'm sorry oh please stop that because it's really it's really upsetting i'll rinse it off i'm really sorry like i sometimes fill the sink to wash my face, and I haven't been able to, because it's just been... I'm sorry. I'm so not cool. I'm really sorry. It's the air con in hotels. Blow your nose into a tissue?

When there's air con, I'll heat us up. I wake up and I'm all clustered. Blow your nose into a tissue. I feel like I can get better power, thus a better clearance of the nostril. Put some tissue in the sink. God, I hate you sometimes. I hate you sometimes.

I said so much actually, not sometimes. Okay, thank you for clarification. Right, well, stop it, because I've noticed it. It's vile. I've let it go for weeks, and now I'm like, it's enough. I'll not do it again. Every sink. Sometimes I wake up and there's like a full on

like trap door there's like a big flappy trap door snot in me nose and I have to just like and when it comes out it honestly it hits the sink

like a fucking cornflake but then rinse it out put it down the sink busy time is money busy man stuff to do to be fair

it's normally you asking us to do something no you can get lost with that you did this morning you did be fair, it's normally you asking us to do something. No, you get lost with that. You did this morning. You did that this morning. What? It's boiling. Your exact thing.

It's boiling. This is me beef, by the way. Chris, it's boiling. It's boiling. Turn the heating down. It's boiling. Went to turn the heating down. While I'm turning the heating down,

you went, will you get reef? Will you get reef? I went, I'm turning the heating down. You went, oh, God. Like, two jobs you'd give us overlapped and I was the dickhead.

I'm not even going to be taught because you're pissing us off at the minute. So crack on. I'm right. No, you're not. My beef with you, this was this morning as well.

So my beef with you, fresh off the beef wagon. This morning, I told you I was going in the shower. I walked over, you were sitting at the other end of the room with Rafe.

I think we were reading him a story. Oh, you were. You were reading him poo in the zoo. And I said, I'm going in the shower, Rosie. I'm going in the shower. I walked over, you were sitting on the other end of the room with Rafe, I think we were reading him a story. Oh, you were, you were reading him poo in the zoo. And I said, I'm going in the shower, Rosie, I'm going in the shower. And you, it was exactly like this, you went, what? Like, Kevin the teenager from Harry Enfield. You went,

what? And I went, erm, I said, I just said I'm going in the shower. And he went, right. And I went, sorry, why are you speaking it was like this I didn't care and you said and you said there's a direct quote you said you just always talk to me you do you do you do there's something wrong with you that should be my beef you just always talk to me constantly you're pathetic I don't know I don't know and I really don't mean

this awfully to anyone who is an only child but I think it's an only child thing really you fucking speak to me all the time to the point where on tour

we've actually got a rule where Chris has to just not talk to us we were in the gym the other day right in the gym had me headphones in Chris running

on the treadmill next to us you know one time call I was like no this is my space shut up why do you talk to us you know one time call i was like no this is my space shut up why do you talk to us all it's all the time i just you know what it is call is weird i quite

like you yeah i like you too but i don't have to you talk to us constant it's too much wow i just sometimes like a little bit of like i quite like being on my own you know what your problem is you want to talk and do stuff fully on your terms. So there's times I'm busy and you're bleating on about something. And if I don't give you 100% attention, there's fucking hell on. Do you know what this is?

It's a dictatorship, is what it is. It's when you're tired, everyone to bed. Honestly. When you're up for it. Right, okay then. If that's how you feel, then leave and marry somebody else. No, I'm all right.

All right? Yeah, exactly. Because you're obsessed with us. I'm sorry. I don't mean it to be horrible. I promise you. I am sorry, because I know I can,

but sometimes it's too much. I'm like overstimulating. You talk to us, and I'm like, just give me some time. You know what I'm like? I love to like, I listen to podcasts and stuff, and I get really into them

and then you're all just like, ma, ma, ma. Just trying to have a conversation. But just like that, just getting in the shower. Like, I'm going, I'm going here. Yeah, I'm going in the shower. You tell us every single move that you do.

And I'll tell you why I have to tell you because it has to be logged in because if I leave the room and I go, hey, what are you doing? Wait a minute, heat is on. It's too hot. Look, that's the roof. What's this?

The door. Someone at the door. I don't like, that's the roof. What's this? The door. Someone at the door. I don't like answering the door. Rosie, I'm in the shower. I hate answering the door. The door. The door. There's a man at the door.

Rosie, I'm in the shower. There's nothing I can possibly do. Door. Please. I don't enjoy answering the door. You're ill. Honestly. I'm not, man,

because every time the bloody DVD people come in, every lady, I'm always in my fucking towel. I think I live in my towel. It's so embarrassing. Yeah, and what it is, that's why normally, normally what people do is they go, they have a shower, they get out of the shower, they towel themselves dry,

then they get ready, you get out of the shower, and while in a towel, you have a 45-minute conversation with your fucking mate on the phone. That's why everyone always catches you in your towel. It's called therapy. Get some. Wish I tried, who you will your towel. It's called therapy. Get some. Wish I tried. Who are you?

Willis? Tony? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen.

Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The first Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying.

Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday.

Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7 30 p.m. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the sun

to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together

and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. It's time for questions from the public as always if you'd like to get in touch it is shagmarinoid at gmail.com please continue to send us just whatever you fancy it's mint your input is amazing and this i've said it before

and i'll say it again i say it every night on the tour this podcast wouldn't be what it is without the input of you wonderful wonderful people don't be embarrassed don't be self-conscious send whatever you want we'll always keep you anonymous thank you we've got that's not me thinking like we've got loads we've got absolutely loads but i just i just love hearing them all some of the stuff on the tour have been unbelievable i know i know and we did they are the questions from the public are different every night i know there was a reviewer last time we did the tour and he went you can't get over night. I know there was a reviewer last time we did the tour and he went... You can't get over that, can you? It's fucking really fucking annoying

when a reviewer goes, oh, they've said this, but I've decided because I review things that I know better. You don't fucking know better, you prick. We do different questions from the public every night. Well, the thing is, if it was the same,

people would know. I would be bored out of my tits if they were the same every single night. Well, not just that. Having to sit there and be like, what, Rosie? Rosie's mystery. What, you think I've got that acting credibility to stand up every night of a Rosie's mystery and go,

come on, guys, what do you think it is? I fucking know because we've done it ten times now. No, different every night. And again, Rosie. Oh, thank you. It's a little clap for you to say thank you for collating them, different every night. And again, Rosie. Oh, thank you. It's a little clap for you to say thank you for collating them all

for each night. I really appreciate it. I mean, I'm demented by it, but it's absolutely fine. Yeah, but that's fine. I'm alright. Good for you. Right, okay.

Hi, Rosie and Chris. My boyfriend and I often laugh at some of his misunderstandings and this one I couldn't keep to myself. Okay. Early in our relationship

we got onto the subject of birthstones and I was telling him mine was an amethyst. I then... I've got no idea what a birthstone is. Carry on.

So every month of the year has a different stone. Yeah, but I'm guessing he has... I'm thinking I might have the same problem as him here because I don't know what that is.

Okay. Because I'm thinking kidney stones. No. Right. That's... No. Right.

So birthstone's not a bad thing? It's not really a thing. It's just... so it's like a star sign i think oh carry on then i'm not so every like a sapphire or amethyst or like so every month of the year i don't actually know what mine is but we'll have the same one oh we'll have the same birth to join oh god oh wow soulmates same year and everything same month same year meant to be

so early in the relationship I got on the subject of birthstones I was telling him mine was amethyst I then asked him what his was and his reply was

a birthstone I was never given one as if the nurse presented it to you in the hospital that's fantastic god As if the nurse presented it to you in the hospital. That's fantastic! God.

Oh, no, right. Okay, so he's come down on the other end of it to me. So he's literally... He thought that you literally had... Like a medal. Yeah. Like the little band that they give you. Oh, fantastic. That your mum has round you.

I was never given one. Oh, bless his little heart. You got a diamond or something? I didn't get one. Oh, bless his little heart. You got a diamond or something? I didn't get one. And I got mine put into a little chain and I wear it round me neck. Babadoo babadoo babadoo Hi Ramses, I'm Jez from Stoke and I've only recently discovered your podcast

so I know I'm a few years behind but I've just listened to episode 81 where you talk about the lady who thought she saw her cousin and so offered her a lift only to discover after the person got in the car that the person was a total stranger i don't remember that i do remember that do you remember yeah so there's some of them i often think i often think about so sometimes in your life sometimes in my life i walk around you know in the shops or i drive around

i'm out in the world and i often for some reason like have little weird daydreams about what would be the most awkward and weird thing to do right and i often think of this one because i just think sometimes like how i drive past a bus stop and there's people at the bus stop and i just think how weird and not okay it would be to just pull up at the bus stop go right where's everyone going like just three years. Just how strange it would be. Like, even though it's a nice thing, how everyone would be like, no. I listen to far too many true crimes.

Yeah. But so that one pops into my head quite a bit because I always think, well, why did the stranger just get in? So yeah, but that one does pop in my head. But do you never do that? Do you never just think like about like weird,

weird stuff in public? Just think what could, what could be the most awkward possible thing to do in this situation? Oh, all the time. Oh, my brain, man. Crazy. But yeah, just pulling up at the bus stop. All right, right, right.

What direction? Obviously going this direction. So come on, three, just jump in. No! Mr. Psycho. I reckon my story's even more awkward, and so I had to get in touch. My family and I were shopping in Tesco on one Saturday afternoon, when my youngest son and I were in the aisle with the cookies. Now I'm a really tactile guy and quite physically affectionate with my kids so whilst I was perusing some cookies

I pulled my youngest son towards me whilst ruffling his hair and absent-mindedly kissing the top of his head. It took me a few moments to notice that my son's hair seemed slightly darker than normal and then my heart stopped beating completely as I realised that the boy I had brought close to me, whose hair I had ruffled and head I had kissed, was in fact another random boy who happened to be stood near to me. I yelped

as I realised what I had done. And I looked down at him and said, whoa, you're not my son. And I will never ever forget the look of sheer terror on this child's face as his voice wobbled when he said no i'm not i apologized profusely and ran away to find my actual family oh god oh i feel sick yeah oh god oh i told you didn't i the other day when i was in the shop with robin i was standing in the queue with Robin and Rafe

and I had a hold of Rafe's hand and Robin was just sort of standing there. And I just looked at him and he just caught, like, I don't know, I just, you know, sometimes you just look at your kid and you go, oh God, I love you so much. Yeah.

And I just grabbed his, just grabbed his, like pulled his head towards us and I just kissed the top of his head. I did exactly that. Kissed the top of his head and roughly say, and he just looked at us and went, Dad, we are in a shop.

Oh no, oh no oh no did he yeah yeah i was fucking devastated i was devastated but i just picked up rave and just gave him like a million kisses and he was fine and he was annoyed by the end that actually breaks my heart dad we are in a shop he's not gonna hold my hand soon yeah there's there's sometimes i could cry sometimes you could sometimes you'll hold my hand when. Yeah, there's... I could cry. Sometimes he'll hold my hand when I'm walking somewhere with him and I look at him and I think, this, every time he holds my hand now

when we're out in public, I just think, is this going to be the time that you leave loose of my hand and you never hold it again? Yeah. It's horrible, isn't it? But we've got Rafe.

Relive it all again with Rafe. And he's going to get older. Yeah, but we've got ages with Rafe yet, man. Fucking, I can't remember my life without Robin, so, you know. It's all good. And then, then, guess what can happen? What? Me and Newton start holding hands again.

Ugh. I knew I was fucking walking into that. I knew that was coming. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hope you're all well. First of all, please keep me anonymous. Always.

I was listening to the story about the squirrel love bite. Remember that? When some lad said he had love bites, but he said it was a squirrel. Yes. And it reminded me of what happened to my friend and her boyfriend. I'll call them Jen and Dan. Okay. About two months ago, Jen and I were chatting when she told me how Dan had had a crap weekend.

Okay. I asked why and she told me he had gone down to London to see his mum. His plan was to get the train home on the Saturday night, but when he didn't show up, she started to worry. It's ridiculous. She's just gullible as fuck. Are we just about to hear a story from someone who's gullible as fuck? Yeah.

Right. If this was my friend, I would literally be like, are you... Right, anyway. She phoned, but it was switched off. He eventually came home Sunday evening. She asked where he had been and he told her his train had been stopped

in a rural area. They kicked the few people on the train off and told them to wait for the next train in the rain. He had no battery left and it was nearly 10pm. There were fields all around him kicked the few people on the train off and told them to wait for the next train in the rain he had no battery left and it was nearly 10 p.m there were fields all around him and one barn so dan decided to take shelter in said barn no he figured he would be able to get some sleep there and jump on a train the next day but he wasn't alone in there. In this barn was a single horse who proceeded to kick Dan in the head. Apparently...

Sorry! Sorry! Apparently he wasn't killed or given brain damage, so he decided to lay down and sleep. The horse didn't bother him again and he jumped on a train home with no problems the next day. The story smelled of horseshit,

so I asked Jen, was Dan okay? And that he probably needed to go to hospital after that kick. Can I just say I've got multiple multiple questions

and points but I'm going to leave them until the end. I have no answers. Right. Okay. But just can I just

so far can I just dive in so far with the cross examination? No. No? Go on then. Keep going. If you want.

Well what train company on the planet goes trains broke down here take shelter in that barn get out

trains rural area middle of nowhere you got signal no great get out stand there no replacement bus service

no replacement bus coming no train coming to get you on to see you later nice knowing you email to get your money back secondly where's all the rest of the people gone they've all went somewhere else but he's went to the barn uh for some reason so it happened to just stop at a train a rural train station

so so he didn't climb so they climbed onto a train platform then they didn't just climb off the train in the middle of norway and walk through the train station right so there's fucking stuff there so they watch so this is the only train station in the world that has just a barn next to it and nothing else um next point in the barn as well yeah into the barn just one horse probably wouldn't happen in a barn in the middle of nowhere most if there's a horse there there's buildings around where the people who have the horse live uh final point definitely not what you do when you get a head injury is go and have a nice little kip straight away. No, of a horse as well.

Carry on. The story smelt of horse shit so I asked Jen was Dan okay and that he probably needed to go to hospital after that kick and to top it all off he probably stank of horse shit from laying in a horse's hay all night. And from talking all that horse shit to everyone. Jen replied Dan was fine. He was lucky and didn't even have any bruises. His back had a couple of

scratches from the hair though. Oh God. And thankfully... Oh God. Chris. And thankfully he didn't smell either because he borrowed some perfume from one of the other passengers who were waiting by the train station during the night. Oh no.

Oh love. She believed him wholeheartedly. They're still together now. Oh love. She was meant wholeheartedly. They're still together now. Oh love. She was meant to meet a friend from another country recently. They'd been friends for 10 years or more and they'd never met. He was flying to her country and wanted to meet her, knowing she is in a relationship and purely as friends.

Her partner, the horse attack victim, learned about it. Alleged. Yeah. Learned about it and surprised her with a holiday to a completely different country that same month when she was meant to meet this guy.

Oh my God. What an odd, what an odd set up. Odd little couple. I know. Yeah. Who's the mate from another country?

So strange. Who's she just friends with? Who's she's never met? Well, I mean, this person's writing in serious code here because they don't want their friends to think.

Aye. Yeah. I mean the only way that story could be even more stupid is the horse the horse also stood on his phone

and the phone somehow got signal and accessed the internet and took photos of a naked lady that saved into messages of an unknown number on his phone

oh god the horse also placed a used condom inside his pocket oh god do you know what it is? Even now, the horse somehow has got his number and keeps ringing him every night

and he's got it saved as horse from barn and he just cancels the call in front of me every time. It's really annoying. Oh, Christ alive. Why? Why? Why? Why did he say he got kicked in the head? Why did he say he got kicked in the head

and slept in a bar? So he's obviously fucked some lass. He's looked with the scratches on his back and he's went, right, what can I do here? Hair's sharp. Right. We'll work with hair

and we'll extrapolate back from hair. Clearly. Wow. Wow. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo here clearly wow wow hello so this happened right now oh well when whenever it was that they sent it right sat watching an old live at the apollo as chris was coming on i got an itch in my vagina sorry unzip my trousers to get my hand in and sort it out sorry turned around and noticed my partner looking at me. I had to quickly explain I was not freaking myself over Chris.

I'd be horrified if you weren't. I might have got a tweet about this once. Did you? I'm sure a bloke tweeted me once saying that it looked like that had happened. This is ringing a bell. Alright, maybe it has. Well, there's a different story here as well. Right. Another story I've been desperate to tell you. That was it then, was it? Yeah, that was just it.

How are you having a wank over Chris Ramsey? Oh, definitely not. Another story I've been desperate to tell you is my go-to horror story of a one-night stand. Great. Love one-night stand stories. So do I. Got back to his and noticed he had Magic Mike on DVD.

I hadn't seen it and mentioned that. Thought it was a little odd a single man had it, but oh well. I was in a part of Bristol I didn't know was drunk and might as well have some sex right

so we get started and things go on forever far too long oh we've talked about this before oh honestly man when you're drunk as well like come on

just fucking just give it up just give up call it a day animals do you know yeah animals do animals sometimes

just go fuck off do you know what I mean like no. Animals sometimes just go, fuck off. Do you know what I mean? Like, no, nah. Yeah. It's too long. Too much. I regretted my decision.

So the chap obviously thought we needed refueling and disappeared. When he returned, he didn't say a word, but shoved a slice of breaded ham in my mouth. this is your kind of date I mean I would be buzzing you would absolutely love a bit of salad cream oh hey listen

there you go love and we're off again she says what the fuck spat it right out bread and ham I don't think we had any more sex that night and I left as soon as I could in the morning.

The ham's still on the bedside table. Sorry, where did Magic Mike come into this? He messaged me for weeks after asking if I wanted to go over to watch Magic Mike. I did not. What the fuck? Come on round, I've got Magic Mike and a pack of ham with your name on.

Still can't eat breaded ham to this day. Breaded ham. Yeah, that's tragic. So they're shagging. So let's get this right. They're shagging. They sort of stop for a bit. They're tired.

Aren't people so weird? Like what? Like. I mean, I'd respect more if you came in with some Lucasade or some Monster Energy or something. Or like some crackers and that like some crackers and ham and pickle

or something or like you know breaded ham in her mouth breaded ham what if she's vegetarian no time no time bread

bread's vegetarian get it in there oh minging magic Mike I must have mentioned before about how a mate of mine at school

when we're in when we're in comprehensive school he had a he had to go and buy another copy of Armageddon on VHS because he used to watch it whenever a girl came round and he ran it out.

He had to go and buy another one. How do you run it out? You could run out videos VHS, you could run them out. If you watched VHS enough, you could fuck it and you would literally run it out. How many girls did he have over? He was a top shagger. Who is this?

Top shagger, like, but he had, he got another Armageddon because his first one was fucked because he'd watched it that much. Oh my God. Yeah,

yeah. Or every time I spoke to him, he was like, go around, yeah, yeah, what do you do? Stuck Armageddon on.

Oh Jesus. I'd be like, why? I'd be like, oh, they get sad in that and they want to cuddle in that. Oh God.

You know what? Bloody good looking lad. I would go as far as to say he didn't need Armageddon. I think he was using it as a crutch. Good looking lad. Good bit of banter. You know, listen mate.

If you're still relying on Armageddon, I know you're married with kids now, you didn't need Armageddon. It'd be something new now. Listen, you were enough. What's more up to date? What's more up to date? Molly and me?

I don't know. Is that still really old? i don't know is that still really old don't make films like that anymore though do they the criers well no because people like you just watch you you get your cry and fix on instagram now yeah i do remember we were where were we oh we were in a hotel the other day and we're waiting for them to bring the breakfast and for a laugh i said because you were sitting on your phone and i looked at you i went are you all right you're what i was just watching someone surprising someone. Normally coming home from war, one of them.

And you're driving, and they're knocked on the door with the breakfast. And I went, can you get the door? And you went, no! And you ran in the bathroom crying. Honestly, that bloke. That bloke must have thought we were having a blaring argument when he came in. You ran in the bathroom snipping. Give them something to talk about.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Hi, Rosie and Chris. Been listening to you for a while now but I've never emailed in. I'd love an opportunity to tell you my story. Here it is. Here it is. Here you go.

Here it is. I'm 24 and have been married to my husband for two years. They've been together for eight years. Wow. My mother-in-law

treats me like the daughter she never had and often gives me clothes that she's cleared out no longer wants which is fine. Okay. Until one...

Sorry, so they've been together since I was 16? Hmm.... Sorry, so they've been together since they were 16? Hmm. No, 18. They've been together since they were 18 and they've been married since they were 20.

No. What the hell's going on? They're 24, they've been together since they were 20. Yeah, okay. They've been married for two years,

been together for eight years. Wow, okay. Nice. Early starters. Until one day when she's clearing some bits out while me and my now husband were in another room.

It started off quite normally. She came through holding up different bits, asking if I liked them and wanted them. This went on for about an hour and suddenly everything went quiet. After about 10 minutes, she came through with a serious look on her face. She looks me dead in the eyes,

holds up the next item and my jaw just dropped. Oh God. Imagine the sex item, and my jaw just dropped. Oh, God. Imagine the sexiest, black-laced, skin-tight lingerie you can think of. She's standing there with this tiny piece of material, with ribbons wrapped all the way around her neck to hold them off the floor. Me and my husband turned and looked at her, wondering what she was about to say. She looks at me and then says,

I've only worn it a couple of times and I know it's the type of thing he likes. Oh no! Hinting towards my husband. That, I'm sorry, that's fucking grotesque. Awful isn't it? She forces the little piece of material into my hands and tells me that

it was going to help me on my wedding night. I said no, but when I got home I found it hiding at the bottom of my bag. She obviously decided I needed this item in my life. Chris, this is the next bit, right? This is the worst bit. To this day, my husband will not let me get rid of it. I swear he fantasises about the day I'm going to surprise him by wearing it, despite it being his mum's, which she has freely admitted to wearing on multiple occasions. It comes up in conversation,

particularly bedtime pillow talk. He asks me to wear it, and he won't even let me get a new one. It has to be his mum's one. Run. Leave. Fucked up. Yeah. Get out. Newsflash, he's still breastfeeding. Oh, it's him? It's him. He's the one.

That's, that's just, oh. It's not nice, is it's him it's him he's the one that's that's just oh it's not nice is it fancy fancy getting a bit frisky at night yeah yeah put on that thing of me mom's oh god put on that thing that my dad fucked me mom in that's really sad your mom's like four times smaller than me. I couldn't even if I wanted to. Rosie, do you want this for with Chris? Couldn't get me lagging it, Anne. Anne, I love you to death, but... Couldn't get me lagging it.

She's great at thong. Oh, God. Oh, Dawn, you've made us sad now. Oh, sorry. Don't like that. You've made us sad now. Oh, sorry. Don't like that. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. This is all this email says. It just says,

new ick unlocked, veterinary receptionist version. Right. A grown man asked for repeat medication for his puss puss. Oh, God. No. Oh, fantastic. So, Kim, I've just come in to get some uh repeat medication

from your puss puss i hate it i hate it that's fucking rotten that like oh that's rotten nah i'm all right for that hello rosie and chris long time listener first time emailer i actually spent the past year and a half listening from the beginning and wanted to let you know that the worst bit isn't the COVID episodes it's the run up to COVID because I knew what was coming but you didn't and it felt like living through that anxiety

all over again I'm so sorry I'll never ever ever listen to that I will never listen to that do you remember when we were like oh we're locked down for two it'd just be two weeks just meet a couple of weeks

it'll be over soon sometimes I look at things and like photos and stuff from before then and I'm like looking at myself on the photo going you haven't got

a fucking clue what's coming you haven't got a clue what's coming oh my god wasn't it awful wasn't it fucking awful horrible

anyway after listening to the beefs this week it reminded me of when I worked in warehouse recruitment and the shocking number of people that had no idea what their shoe sizes were oh yeah because you had to go and check me

i had to go and check didn't i yeah we also asked for shoe sizes in the interview process so we could get steel toe capped boots ready for their induction and after all the difficult interview questions uh it says in brackets we basically let anyone in with two arms and two legs that could pass a drug test. Right. They were asked their shoe size. During one phone call interview, I had a guy say,

just a minute, heard him put down the phone and yell, Nan! What's your shoe size? I thought you were going to say he took his shoes off. No.

No. He doesn't actually know his shoes off. Oh, I love him. Oh, God, love him. I was in shock this year, but obviously we still hired him. We still got the job. In a different interview,

this time face-to-face, I had a candidate that was in a full suit. One of the questions we asked was about their current slash previous role. He enthusiastically let me know this position was just temporary as his YouTube channel was gaining traction and he was waiting for it to take off. I was really impressed and asked how many followers he had. None! How many followers have I got?

None! How many followers have I got? None! How many subscribers have I got? It tickled you, hasn't it? I was really impressed and asked how many followers he had. Quite a few, actually. 38. I replied,

38,000? Wow, he said, no, 38 total he said no 38 total we moved on with the interview and when it came to the shoe size question he stopped stood up and took his shoe off right in front of me to show me the size he worked there for three years his youtube never took off in other news ever since seeing you in Leeds, my husband has not stopped asking me to guess his fart and actually gets annoyed if I don't ask him before I fart. This morning, the first sentence he said to me was,

I recorded a fart this morning so you can guess it. Ick. Update. I don't know what's worse, the fact he made me guess it or the fact I guessed it right. Oh, fantastic. We were talking, when we were in Leeds, we were talking about the trend at the minute minute which is a guess my thought yeah well i did my

normal thing of saying that like i discovered it but it'd be the thing because i don't watch tiktok yeah so there we go but it is quite funny wow very good okay so this one this one's really random i'm not going to read all of them but uh so, right, okay, it'll make sense when I say it. Okay, okay. Listen in episode 219 about the names for the guys the girl and her best friend had slept with. Oh, yeah, Nice Coat Lee and all that.

Remember Nice Coat Lee and all that, yeah. I had to email you some of mine. My friends have begged me to write a book about them, which I've just started. Oh. I've added in some of the best ones. So I'll just tell you some of them

because there's one called Micropenis and I find it a bit offensive to the person who it might have been but you know fair enough you said it now

I've said it now so the first one marketplace what oh is there a description this guy marketplace so these are so for anyone

sorry for anyone who hasn't listened to the other episode these are nicknames that people she's hooked up with or gone out with these are nicknames

that they have gained afterwards either from her or from her friends, something they've seen or something they've done. Okay, so for instance, people we had before, their flatmates called all these different people and the one we always remember

is Nice Coat Lee because a guy called Lee came round and he had a nice coat. So he was Nice Coat Lee. Spoon-faced Ronan Keaton. Spoon-faced Ronan Keaton. Because he looked like Ronan Keaton if you were looking, if Ronan Keaton was lookingoon-faced Ronan Keaton. He'd look like Ronan Keaton if you were looking,

if Ronan Keaton was looking in the back of a spoon. Fantastic. So fucking harsh, but you know. Right. So the first one's Marketplace. Marketplace. This guy came to buy a shoe unit from me. I opened the door severely overweight in my trampy housework jammies.

Hair hadn't been washed in like a week, so it was all over the place. Got a message when he went home saying I look cute and gorgeous. He was 20 years older than me. I was 21. It was just after the Christmas lockdown and I was desperate, so he hooked up quite a few times. It ended bad, but not before I made him pay for a full tank of petrol and a desk for my house with the promise I'd forgive him.

I didn't. I blocked him the minute he left. Bloody hell. Yeah, the micro penis, which you can imagine. Okay. Thomas the Tank Engine. Dolphin. Pissy Mouth, Halloween. Sorry, is there an explanation of Pissy Mouth?

No, these don't have an explanation. For fuck's sake. So, Pissy Mouth, Halloween, Emmerdale, Turkish Basement. Turkish Basement. Oral Shop Guy. I was in Turkey last October. Sorry, this isn't Turkish Basement. This is Oral Shop Guy.

So, Oral Shop Guy, it gets described, it begins with I was in Turkey, but Turkish basement is not this one's name so I'm guessing Turkish basement might have happened the day before right

this is oral shop guy I am not I'm not happy about this I was in Turkey last October I went and got a tattoo and was browsing outside a fake

bag shop after I don't I just need to interject here I don't think we'd get on continue fair enough got chatting to a shop worker

and showed him my tattoo and explained the meaning in brackets, weight loss related. So I think she's lost quite a bit of weight. Okay. We went into the shop

and he was looking at the tattoo which is on my hip and he was looking at my tummy tuck scars. He then pulls my skirt down and proceeded to lick me out in the middle of the shop with people around

and we had sex in the dark. Jesus Christ! Yeah, we definitely wouldn't get on. On to the next one. Dollhouse. Right. Creeping with creepers. Right.

Translator. I was in hospital getting a thigh lift after losing over 10 stone in weight and the translator had a crush on me from my tummy tuck. He fingered me through a hole in my compression tube. This is horrible! 24 hours after major surgery. 24 hours after major surgery? This is horrible 24 hours after major surgery this is horrible oh my god do you know what do you know what like um i think she got it done in turkey listen to this right she's in turkey getting listen she's living her best life she's lost ten stone she's getting fingered by

the translator just after this girl is fucking I think you're in two different languages maybe three listen you know Unbreakable the Bruce Willis movie no where he's oh with the glass

shattering on the train good god Mr Glass is played by Samuel L Jackson and and yeah there's a train crash

in it basically Bruce Willis discovers he's got powers he discovers he's unbreakable okay he discovers he's got powers. He discovers he's unbreakable. Okay. He discovers he's like, you know, he's almost invulnerable.

Uh-huh. And Samuel L. Jackson, it turns out, spoiler alert, if you've never seen it, Samuel L. Jackson has been looking for him his whole life.

And he's the opposite. Yeah. I think we've just found my opposite. I think this girl getting fingered in hospital and getting licked out in shops and just being like, you know,

getting tattooed, popping and... She described getting a tattoo there. Like, I would describe walking to the shop for a fucking Snickers. Like, I just got a tattoo and then I was looking at the bags. We found my opposite. We found my Mr Glass.

I'm in judgment. Yeah, go on, you fucking would. We found my opposite. She's just going around Turkey, getting licked out in a shop. Lock me in a lift with this woman and I would bang my head against the wall until I was unconscious. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Hi Rosie and Chris, please keep me anonymous. Okay.

I have the most embarrassing moment to have ever happened in my entire existence. I'm now 32 years old and although this happened 10 years ago, my cheeks still flush to a lovely magenta colour at the thought of this embarrassing time. They're the best ones though, the ones that wake you up in the middle of the night, the ones that make you shout randomly around the house. This is one of them, oh god. It was August and I had recently moved into a new apartment with my then boyfriend of one year. Things were going great now, our sex life was still very much in the honeymoon phase.

We were having sex almost every night, living on our own, not having to worry about the loud noises. Remember that? Yep. 22 years old, no kids in the world, pre-kids, pre-marriage, slimmest I've ever been, confident, etc.

Slim without even trying. I do remember them days. Just eat what you want. Just go, I'll have pasta for every meal and I'll still be a size 10. What happened to that? Anyway, we went away to the centre parks with my parents for a long weekend, which was lovely, spending time in the spa, going for nice walks and enjoying the scenery. One night, following a few drinks, we headed back to our lodge.

Things got a bit steamy and we were trying doggy style for the first time. Eh? Uh-huh, yeah, yeah. Oh, hey, hey, Rosie. High five me and you are more adventurous than these two people. I know. I couldn't reach the high five. That was pathetic.

It was mid-August, so ten minutes in and we're both a sweaty mess. Ignorant of this, we were both enjoying it a bit too much and I started to call my boyfriend Daddy. Oh, no, I can't. No, nah. I can't get on board with that i've never it's not ever been anything not a thing i would literally go don't say that yeah i think i have to stop and go sorry what i know i don't get that nah i don't get it i think it's is it a porn thing

is it an american porn it's just i know i've never been come up with my thing but anyway i never called him that before but it felt good and he seemed to enjoy it so we carried on I got a bit too comfortable and we were both getting close until I heard

our bedroom door creak oh no the light shone in through the crack opening wider and wider oh god my actual dad came in

I honestly don't I don't think I want to hear the rest I don't think I want to hear the rest do you know came in. I honestly don't think I want to hear the rest. I don't think I want to hear the rest. Do you not? No, of course I do, but I'm not happy about it. Still bent over, both naked, sweat dripping, penis still inside, we froze. I put my face down in the mattress as if by doing so I magically disappeared.

My dad quickly closed the door shut and I said to my boyfriend, oh shit, and rolled out of position back under the duvet and lay there for about 30 minutes in silence. The next day, my dad never said a word about it and still 10 years later,

we have never spoken of this day. Oh, of course you wouldn't. My then boyfriend is now my husband. We have two children together. I've never called him daddy since. It's even weirder now that he is in fact an actual daddy. And I can't ever bring myself to try doggy ever again.

Oh, you lost doggy forever. But... Rest in peace. Imagine your dad's literally like, why is she shouting at me? Why is she shouting at me? Like she's reverted to being six again? It's horrible.

Minging that like. Daddy. Minging. Oh, Jesus. I don't understand it. I don't understand it. I don't understand it. I think they're just trying something out, young and... No, but I don't understand how it's a thing.

I don't understand. Why? Why, Daddy? What's happened? What's happened in your life that you have to call someone having sex with you, Daddy? Trauma. Stop it. Let's all stop it.

By the looks of it, she's got a nice dad anyway. He sounds like a decent bloke. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. the looks of it she's got a nice dad anyway he sounds like a decent bloke thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed which is part of the Acast Creator Network it is indeed

thank you so so much for listening if you want to get in touch at shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com we'll be back in the years next week bye

bye rock city you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game.

And you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at TorontoRock.com.