Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 253. This young perp...

Episode Date: January 26, 2024

On the podcast this week Chris and Rosie discuss tiredness, after eight mints and Rosie's night out. Rosie has a martial arts based beef and they have to get Sandra on the line to settle an argument! There's trio of Rosie's mysteries and some fresh new icks! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Unnoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband. Listen, look at him, look at him. He's my husband, Christopher Ramsey. You can't look at this, man. It's a podcast.

I love you. Hello. I like you at the minute, so. You do? Hey. Really? I thought you were on the down spiral. You've had two good weeks.

You've had your good non-pubes weeks. No, I'm okay. This morning. Let's just go back to this morning when you said to me, do you want anything for breakfast? And I said, what are you making? And you went, I'm not sure. And I went, right, well, is it hot? Is it cold? And you went, oh my God, will you just tell us?? And I said, what are you making? And you went, I'm not sure. And I went, right, well, is it hot? Is it cold?

And you went, oh my God, will you just tell us? No. I just asked you what you wanted. Sorry. Just answer the question. Right, why are you starting off an argument? He's missed out a pivotal part of the conversation. I was throwing out a bag of carrots

that had been in the fridge since Christmas. Yeah, that's what threw us off. That's what threw us off. Well, I said to you, what do you want? I had them in my hand. I put them in the bin, right? You said, what do you want for breakfast? I'm making breakfast.

And you had two bags of carrots in your hand. And you said, I don't fancy breakfast. I went want? I had them in my hand. I put them in the bin, right? You said, what do you want for breakfast? I'm making breakfast. And you had two bags of carrots in your hands. And you said, I don't fancy breakfast. I went, it's not a time for fucking jokes. I'm asking you, what do you want for breakfast? Or if you want anything. It's always a time for jokes. Can I eat the rest of this after eight? No.

You do your introduction. It's ten to two in the afternoon. It's ten to two in the afternoon. Put that after eight down. Do you want to get arrested? They'll get you. Why are they called after eight? Because you've got to have them after. Don't. We're going to have to delete this. Daisy, delete this. We're going to get arrested? They'll get you. Why are they called after 8am? We're going to have to delete this.

We're going to have to delete this. This is a crime. It's a crime. After 8am? No. They're disgusting. I'm worried for any mint on chocolate. It's like hoeing a load of toothpaste on a bit of chocolate and throwing it in your mouth. And it's dark chocolate. Fucking hell. Why are you doing that?

It's disgusting. I mean, slag it off all you want. I love an after 8am. White stuff in the middle. and it's dark chocolate fucking hell why are you doing that it's disgusting I mean slag it off all you want I love an after eight white stuff in the middle oh god and I've been treating myself

and getting them you know weight rows these little they're like little disc things right bought them one time and now I have like obsessed and I get a packet

from my mum as well they're just like little dark chocolate like after eights but their version right they're better after half eights They're just like little dark chocolate. Like after eights but their version. Right. They're better. After half eights?

They're just called like mint cream. After nines? There's no time on them. Before elevens? Elevensies. Just do your thing.

Listen man. Hello everyone. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for being here. It's episode 253 I think. Fuck me.

I think it's episode 253. One job me i think it's episode two one job i might be the next one job i'm gonna look at my folder hold on what we've got here hold on last one 252 add one it's it is it's 253 everyone got it well done you got the end everyone oh that's a clap um so without further ado it is time for this week's a lucrative a lucrative sponsor and this week's sponsor i think everyone out there especially the parents i think you, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. And this week's sponsor, I think everyone out there, especially the parents, I think you're able to relate to this week's sponsor. Rosie, I know you can. This week's sponsor is... Wanking in the shower. Why am I always

tired? Oh, mate, I know. Why am I always tired? Why am I constantly tired? Seasonal affective disorder? Could be your wind anxiety. It's been very windy recently It has been windy that's been upsetting Wind anxiety

I woke up about five years ago tired and I think I've been tired ever since Yeah One morning I woke up and I went right I don't feel well rested here

and that's that I can't remember the last time I was well rested Honestly I had a coffee about half an hour ago Does this look Look at me

Do I look like a man who just had a coffee? No, I've only had one coffee. I don't feel like a man who's had one. I've had three. What's going on? Why aren't I bouncing off the walls? I just think... I do me vipings every morning.

You're a grown-up, babe. Grown-up, you've got a lot of responsibility, you've got a lot of stuff on your shoulders. But... It's just life, mate. Go to bed earlier. I don't have... Literally, I don't have any energy throughout the night.

I get a burst of energy. I'm telling you, I get a little burst of energy when I've been up a couple of hours, right? I get my main burst of energy just before it's time to go to sleep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All night.

And then I get another burst of energy about two in the morning when I wake up and I'm shaking. Why are you shaking? Just jittering legs and stuff do you know me legs jitter? do you know me legs jitter? I know your legs jitter

other than that I'm a fucking sloth what is that then? I don't know you drink loads of water you're not dehydrated you drink loads of water you never fucking

put that bottle down listeners of last week's podcast don't know how I was no it was extra extra it was extra extra I got continuously told off for drinking

whoa you've just picked up a bottle of water you fucking hypocrite I'm just everyone out there shout out to everyone who's just constantly tired I'm like a fucking sloth

I could happily sit still all day I could just sit still sadly when you get older you do lose you just lose a lot of your energy it's just well

it's a fact I don't know about that it's it's a fact I'm kidding I'm in the best shape of my life I've like I need to start taking collagen because I've just lost It's just, well, it's a fact. I don't know about that. It's a fact. I'm kidding. I'm in the best shape of my life. I need to start taking collagen because I've just lost loads of collagen apparently.

What's collagen? I don't really know if I'm totally honest with you. Fantastic, I'm good. It sounds like a slippery slope. I think it's something that's in your face. But you just said to me as well previously, just before we started recording, I said, I've had a coffee and I feel like shit.

And you were like, oh yeah, coffee stops working after a while. Is that true no I don't think so because what's the fucking what am I supposed to do move on to crack cocaine speed

it'll hit you later oh of course it will yeah it's just before it's time to go to sleep yeah yeah yeah oh babe just have a little do you want to

listen I'm a big fan of a 10 second pity party if you'd like to have one right now we'll wait I'll be honest with you no 10 seconds

and then just sort yourself out and I'm not having any more of this fucking bullshit right are you ready go i'm tired i've got bags on my eyes my eyes feel like they're gonna go straight to sleep because i've had enough water i've had too much coffee makes us scared it makes us worry about stuff three two one sick of it done don't mention it again thank you for listening to the intro here comes a jingle to cheer everyone up. And, you know, if you want to cry during the jingle, just like me, just have a little cry. I've got loads to tell you about. I'm buzzing, mate.

Are you buzzing? Oh, I tell that to your fucking collagen levels. Look at you. Look at you. Saggy old piece of shit. Look at you. You're a collagen leper. I don't know. It's probably not allowed to say that.

Anyway, there we go. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadooo babadoo babadoo ba Jingo Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged and Married and Annoyed.

I haven't told you this yet. Oh. You might not even find it funny, but at the time I found it hilarious because I was half good. I went out at the weekend in Newcastle. It was really good. You? You went out? Oh, Jingo. Oh my God.

I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking. Don't. I'm out oh my god I'm joking I'm joking I'm joking I'm joking I'm joking right I'm joking I am joking

guys Chris goes out all the time he just never mentions it and he loves to we're joking I'm bruising I'm joking I'm sorry

look she's talking about you went to Manchester on Monday that's what you're talking about you went to Manchester with Steph is that what you're talking about oh no sorry

sorry no she was talking about Saturday when she went out with Steph no I'm I'm joking. I go out as well. I just don't, you know.

You never mention it and then you love to do it. Anyway, I was out. I got a selfie with a woman and she was dead, can you? It was late night. On her phone, right? On her phone case.

I seen the back of her phone and it said shell. Shell, right. S-H-E-L-l-l right there's no shells there's no beach thing or anything right i can only assume that her name is michelle right she gets called shell and she's got shells on the why she got shell wrote on the back does she not work for shell was it red and yellow was it like it wasn't the shell sign no No, it was not. It was like in fancy font. It just said Shell. And I'm so baffled. I didn't get a chance to ask her

because she was leaving the pub as I was going in. I'm like, why does your phone case say Shell? Which way? What do you mean? Was it written from charging port to receiver? Yes. Or was it written the other way? Yeah.

So it just said Shell in fancy writing on the back of her phone. The full back of her phone in fancy writing s-h-e-l-l shell that's like putting your name in your pants all i can think is just call michelle and people call her shell but that would be spelled c-h-e-l-l-e wouldn't it uh she'd gone and i was like no why is it shell on your phone no it would still be it would be if it was shell short it would be spelt like seashell, surely. No, I think short... Or you would just take me off Michelle.

Yeah. You think... Hold on, you... No. You think short for Michelle would be spelt C-H-E-L-L-E? Definitely. Shell, yeah, definitely.

Shell? Chell? But I think... Chell! Whenever I've known people called Michelle and they get called shell, surely it's not S-H-E-L-L. Of course it is, otherwise it says Shell.

I disagree. Well, I'm sorry, but she looked ridiculous with Shell wrote on her phone. And not a beach bloody, it wasn't a bucket of Spain on it. No, there was nothing on there. Just the word Shell. Not a grain of sand in sight.

Very weird. Oh my God, Shell. You're 100% wrong it would be Shell is your email in is your name Michelle and when you write down Shell

is it S-H-E-L-L or is it C-H Shell there's no chance people are reading Shell I'll ring my mum but she's not called Michelle

yes but she's from a generation of Michelle's no I'm not having it and we're not ringing ring your mum our best friend's called Michelle oh my No! I'm not having it. We're not ringing you. Ring your mum who her best friend's called Michelle.

Oh, my mum will not know why we're speaking to her and she will worry, she will worry for weeks. She'll not sleep.

She'll not sleep for weeks that she's said something she shouldn't have said because the phone, because quote unquote it'll be something along the lines of I panic when your phone

is from the podcast. Oh God. along the lines of I panic when you're phoned as from the podcast. Hadn't even washed me hair from the podcast. Listen, I'm genuinely intrigued with that. Yeah. I think, yeah.

Shell, just Shell written on the back. I suppose it's because it's a thing. But then again, I wouldn't just have Chris written on the back of my phone.

That would be really strange. Ah, quite. See, maybe it's just I quite like the things with Rosie on. I've got quite a lot of things with Rosie on. Is it arrogant? Is it arrogant? You're always buying stuff like that. Is it arrogant or babyish?

You buy both. You're an arrogant baby. You buy food you don't like with rosemary on just because it's got rosemary on. You go, it's got rosemary on. That's bullshit. Why would I buy food I don't like with something I don't like in?

You do that all the time. I do like, actually, I do like rosemary, by the way. But why would I buy, if I didn't like, that's the stupidest thing you've ever said all right all right i take it back yeah can you remember when we were in uh i think it was my first house quite together and your mom got one little plant pot with little herbs in and it had one of the little things had rosemary yeah and you kept there's a little stone with rosemary written on and you kept it for years oh sorry sorryanging out the back of it you were. Oh, right, okay.

I like my, at least I like my name. Do you like your name? I only realised the other day that my name's got a PH in. I forgot and I was like, oh, I've got a PH in my name. How exotic.

What? Christopher. PH. Oh, God. I forgot. I've got a PH for, for, isn't it weird?

Yeah. Oh, I don't like Christopher. Oh, great. That's good great that's good not full name Chris is fine alright good yeah

I'll get rid of my phone then babadoo babadoo babadoo bah big news oh huge news yes massive news

he's only bloody doing stand up again isn't he is this you this is me oh yes he's back third person yes he's back he's doing stand-up again. Not a tour.

Don't get them too excited. Not a tour. It's not a tour. Hang on. You might not have been excited at all. Sorry about that. Wow. It's not a tour.

And in all honesty, if you saw my last tour and sort of, you know, saw it twice or whatever, probably don't come to this one. Because this is, I'm filming a special. I'm filming a special.

Two shows in London on the 17th of March. London on the 17th of March. Sunday the 17th of March. Early show and a late show. They were supposed to be at like half seven and half nine but I looked at it

and went oh no chance. So I've tried to pull them back a bit earlier because it's a Sunday and I was just like I'm in bed for ten these days. Oh my word. Have you actually?

Yeah, yeah. It's going to be slightly earlier. Not as an evening. Why is it that you are an old man? I think half six and half eight is going to be the crack and hopefully the fact you are an old man I am I think half six and half eight is going to be the crack

and hopefully the fact that I've said it on here you've got to do two in a row you've got to do two in a row you're going to be fucking knackered we've got a little mock up of a poster

a little poster it said half six half seven half nine I went oh god that's what's wrong with you at the minute I think I'm storing up

tiredness for how tired I'm going to be after them two shows but when you record a special, you've got to do, when you've paid all the money to have the cameras and the crew and everyone in there,

you've got to do two just in case. I mean, touch wood, I don't really fuck them up because if I fuck them up, I just say it again. Like I do my own, they're called pickups. I do them on the fly. But you know, you can't ever. Do I have to come to this or? You don't have to come to this.

Oh, thank God. So it is some material from, lie but you know you can't ever do i um do i have to come to this or you don't have to come oh thank god so it is uh some some it's some material from your last two i might throw some new stuff in there say how i feel probably open with some new stuff um intimate venue in london i think i don't know what it's called look it'll all be on my instagram i think it's called the royal court or something it's it's somewhere in london are you excited about doing the funnies again on your own i've got to learn the show again i've got to learn the show again. I've got to learn the show again. It's really daunting.

Are you looking forward to working without me? Hugely. Yeah. Immensely. If only just for the fact of about two minutes before we recorded this segment, I said to you, I looked at me, because I've got to go and pick Robin up from school. I looked at me watching. I said, right, I've got to leave in an hour.

And you said, for good. Which was great, but couldn't. So yeah, I am looking forward to doing stand-up again. Again, it'll be some material from your last show, but it's getting recorded for a special. It'll be very exciting. So 17th of March, London. Details on my Instagram.

And if you're on my mailing list, it's on there as well. So, fuck, what else do you want? That's it. What do you want to do? Come round your house and give me the tickets in your hand? Well, for a price, I probably would. It's time for What's Your Beef?

What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? Right, straight in. Dive in. You, go. Me? Oh my, hang on.

I feel like you're poised. I've got loads. You wrote something down earlier on as well. I saw you. I saw you. Oh yeah, hang on. Right, so. I've got loads. You. I saw you oh yeah hang on right so I've got loads

you you keep hurting yourself I knew it at Brazilian Jiu Jitsu I knew it and not telling me yeah because you know

that I'll be like this is ridiculous yeah so you've really hurt your hand yeah it's not really hurt Christopher let me look hand. It's not really hurt. Christopher, let me look. It is.

I'm taking a picture. Look. Right, okay. If you see this on my Instagram, this is when I'm videoing his hand. That is, it looks, it doesn't look as bad on there annoyingly, but that is bruised AF.

I got it caught in someone's gi. Lad I was rolling with. I got it caught in someone's gi. Lad I was rolling with. I got it caught in his gi. It's fine. But the thing is, I'm quite sensible because I got it caught in his gi where I fell sort of on it,

bent my thumb, my thumb bent back the wrong way and I went, stop. And all the lads there are cool as fuck. And he went, you all right? And I went, no, I bent my thumb back. And I went through the front of the gym and I said, have you got any ice? And the guy was like, no. And he went through his freezer and he went, you alright? And I went, no, I bent my thumb back and I went through the front of the gym and I said, have you got any ice?

And the guy was like, no. And he went through his freezer and he went, I've got these. And he gave us a bag of frozen cucumber squares, little squares of cucumber. So, yeah, and I just sat with cucumber on my hand for a while. The hurting yourself, that's not what annoys us. It's the pretending that you haven't hurt yourself

so you didn't tell me about that and I saw your hand yesterday because I went to Manchester with my friend Steph and I saw your hand and I was like what have you done

and you were like oh nothing oh I'm just a BJJ and then later on I spotted you with ice on your hand not saying a word because I've got ice here

I've got ice here because it's swollen and bruised it's a bit silly though isn't it do you not think I don't mention it just because I'm sort of suffering in silence stoically

no because you know like a movie hero because you know the kind of job that we have yeah and you know that I'll say if you really hurt yourself yeah

you're fucked yeah and you probably shouldn't be doing something that you could really hurt yourself yeah someone actually said when I had the thing on my hand

someone actually said it was at the gym he went have you not got some kind of insurance that says you're not supposed to do this yeah probably we do not get sick pay so what are you gonna do it's my left thumb i don't do anything i don't know i'm not gonna i'm not that's my pleasure and my left hand's not your pleasure in hand absolutely felt sick saying that I'm so sorry listen I hurt myself and I stoically keep it to myself

I don't bother anyone I don't mention it I'm like you know in a movie when someone gets like shot or stabbed and they don't reveal it until much later on

oh that's fucking bullshit isn't it that's me as it like that's me how hard you gotta be yeah I'm just like when they get stabbed

and then later on they're like under the jacket and some last part and she goes oh my god you're bleeding and they're like oh no I got stabbed

I'm fine it's nothing oh god that was a scene two act one it was ages ago absolutely so hard

unbelievable but I'm so solid that's just the crack it would knack it would absolutely knack my thumb's just bruised and I'm absolutely fine and I'll be back

on the mat tomorrow. If you did that in any other circumstance other than Brazilian Jiu Jitsu I'd be crying my eyes out. You'd be devastated. So don't give me that bullshit. I've told everyone

about the fact that when we went down to the comedy awards I'd popped a rib out. I'd displaced a rib. Did you? Well I hid that from you until we were on the train.

Because we were going to the British comedy awards. What? Yeah. From Brazilian Jiu Jitsu? Yeah, yeah, that from you until we were on the train. Because we were going to the British Comedy Awards. What? Yeah. From Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I displaced a rib beginning of last year. You did not tell me this.

So I was rolling with someone and they rolled over the top of us and their hands were clasped behind me back, in between the mat and me back. And he rolled, put his pressure on my chest and basically a rib moved on the front left of my ribcage, out and in but it causes a bit of, you know, damage as it goes in and out. And I hid it from you until

I can't believe it, we did have a drink on the train, but I hid it from you on the train. You asked us, getting up and down and moving and walking and generally breathing was really hurting us and I wasn't saying anything to you. And then you asked us You asked us. I'm so fucking annoyed.

You asked us to get up and get something from your bag because your bag was in the overhead thingy. Yes. And I went, no problem. And I went, and I got up like that. And I reached up like that and I got your bag and I got the thing and I gave you the thing and I reached up and I put the bag back

and I sat down and I went, ah. And I sort of started to gather myself quietly and then he went, actually, I need to go to the toilet. Can you get up again? And I went, ah, and I sort of started to gather myself quietly and then he went, actually, I need to go to the toilet. Can you get up again? And I went, I've hurt me rib.

I couldn't do two movements in one go. So did you go to the doctor's about this? Physio. Physio put sort of those for us. Is that why you went to physio? Yeah, that and the thing in the back of my neck.

You told me it was because. Not the thing in my neck as well, but the physio sort of that as well. You are a fucking lying little snake. What else are you lying about? Nothing. Chris, I did not know that you would hurt your rib that is absolutely new information you didn't tell us i might have even said it on here you didn't i might have even said it on here right i don't remember that's bullshit what in the i talked but we're in the hotel afterwards and i was like i've hurt me rib i can't believe not displaced your rib hurt well

i didn't know i'd been displaced until after when the physio told us. You are an idiot. I don't care what happens to you. Wow. I don't. Wow. You're going to put... Forget it if you think Robin's going.

Listen. Absolutely not. Listen, don't worry about it. My New Year's resolution, which I broke two days ago, was to not get injured anymore. I don't care. Good.

You could literally... Yeah. I won't stay with you. Wow. If you hurt yourself horrendously. Oh, wow. This got dark. This got really dark.

Sickness and health. No. Sickness and health. You said it. Not sickness and health when you do it yourself. All right. If it was a car accident... Sickness and health, brackets.

Not self-inflicted. Not self-inflicted. Absolutely not. You know what? You know what? Okay. Yeah. Deal. Deal. Let's shake hands. If you really, really hurt yourself... Not my left hand. Not my left hand. It's killing. and health brackets not self-inflicted not self-inflicted absolutely not you know what you know what okay yeah deal deal

let's shake hands if you really really hurt yourself not my left hand not my left hand is killing I'm joking it's fine I'm not sticking around I can high five with my left hand look high fivers

slap it as hard as you can it's fine it's fine it's fine just so you know on the third one there everyone she fucking karate chopped with the bruise

you're a little tosser sometimes you are you're the tosser not with my left hand you're the little tosser sometimes. You're the tosser. Not with my left hand, I'm not. You're the fucking tosser, breaking your ribs and not telling your wife, you psychopath. There's something wrong with you.

Displaced. Now listen, do you want to hear my beef with you? You're displaced. I don't think you have the right to have a beef with me. I do, and I'll tell you what it is. You're literally Mr. Fucking Fight Club, and I'm just... I've just got to get on along with it?

What the fuck? I haven't been... Apart from this little thing on my thumb, I haven't been hurt for a year. You've hurt yourself loads. I haven't. You have. You hurt your knee last week.

Where? Your knee. Where? Your knee. How many knees you got? You hurt your knee. It was really big and you couldn't walk on your leg couple of weeks ago

you did I don't remember this oh my god you did oh did I yes oh yeah

and you pretended you pretended that that never happened and I seen you limping and your knee and I went what you done and you went

oh it's fine in my defence I hurt my knee and strictly so it might just be reoccurring off my knee and strictly oh my god which i kept quiet because i'm stoic you did not keep quiet anything from strictly no i didn't keep quiet i was i am i'm i've i'm flabbergasted right now at how i'm gonna ring me mom why because i need to tell her because why could that you that

you are mental and you're currently here's the thing ring your mam now and say mam can you remember last year when Chris was doing BJJ

and he displaced his rib and she'll remember because I fucking told you both about it test it ring her no because you might be right I don't remember that

I'm really sorry thank you apologies that I don't remember it but I'm not apologising for the fact that you displaced your rib at your hobby yeah it's because it's a hobby don't remember it, but I'm not apologising for the fact that you displaced your rib at your hobby. Yeah, it's because it's a hobby, isn't it?

It's just... Go to golf. Go golfing. Five hours at a time. Joking, aren't you? You kind of hurt yourself at golf. Nah, you can't like what if someone hits a ball off your head. Crack on. What's your beef with me? My beef with you is you keep hoarding, recycling in your little dressing room

and it's getting fucking stupid. What do you mean? The bins are on strike, right? Whatever they're on strike, whatever they're doing, right? I'm not going to get political here. They're on strike. It is what it is. Yeah.

They didn't collect the recycling for a couple of weeks. I've got piles of recycling in the garage. That's what's wrong with you. There's something wrong with Chris at the minute. He's really not himself. He's tired and overwhelmed. It's windy and the bins are on strike. They're my two main problems at the minute.

So, right, okay. It's windy and the bins are on strike. I knew the wind was upsetting you. minute. So, right, okay. It's windy and the bins are on strike. I knew the wind was upsetting you. The wind's really upsetting us. I knew that. I don't know what it is. I fucking can't bear the wind. I'm like a dog on fireworks night.

I hate it. At our old house in the countryside, a tree fell down. I never post it on Instagram. I might have to share it on Instagram. Fucking gigantic. This tree fell down. It was absolutely,

it was like a hundred old fir tree. It was mad mad big literally nearly took the house down horrendous so Chris missed everything

it did we were very lucky it missed everything thank you Branda thank you Jake it was ridiculous but yeah so but

you hoard recycling in your dressing room so the other day I did all the recycling I was like this is perfect and I like I sort of did like an inventory did like a little I was like right we've got a bit space in there

right they're coming right next week they might come the week after right right i've got space in the garage we've got lo and behold you come down from your bloody it's like you've been in a fucking amazon packing office the amount of boxes and shit that came down from that room, me whole system went to shit immediately. All right, okay, flip side. I'm keeping it in there, so it's out the way. Then you bring it down, and I don't know. I'd rather you drip fed it down. This is like, okay, okay, same scenario.

So just a box a day. Robin comes at you. Would you rather Robin told you on the day he gets his homework, when he's got his homework, or would you rather the morning it has to be in, just come down and go, I've got a lot of homework! Which he does okay yeah yeah

fair enough fair enough stop hoarding recycling I really don't feel like I hoard it and for the last time you can't recycle dirty wet wipes

you can't recycle plastic bags in our area I never tried you you do I don't you do I don't

you do right you never told us that you displaced your rib. I'm going to ring you now. I'm going to ring you now. I'm going to ring her. Because I honestly don't remember this.

Right, okay, here we go. Don't remember this. Don't wait your question. Don't wait it. Just say, can you remember? When was it? Last year, when Chris displaced his rib doing jiu-jitsu. Hiya, Rod.

Helo, Mam. Mae'n i mi. Dim ond yn gyflym. Ydych chi'n cofio y flwyddyn diwethaf pan roedd Chris wedi llwyddo ei llwyth? ei llwyth? Ydych chi'n cofio? Dwi ddim yn gwybod. Ond, ie, rwy'n gwneud. Iawn, beth wnaeth? Ydych chi'n gwneud hynny? Oh, yes, I do, I do. All right, what happened?

You really need it all night. Oh, my God. What are you saying? You're on the podcast. So, well, Chris... No, Chris has hurt his hand at BJJ. He keeps hurting himself. And I said... Sandra, can you remember last year

when I displaced me rib doing jiu-jitsu? Yes, yes. Bang. Didn't you get a fell at the seat? There it is. I got a fella to see to us, which is Geordie for I went to the physio. Right. Fair enough. Okay. Thanks, man. I did leave it on late. Yeah, I know. He always does. He always does. Okay. Great. Love you. Bye. So there you go. So no, no, no, no. She agrees. don't change the subject she remembers because you both knew

touche I forgot about that okay don't know if touche is the right word there maybe sorry try that one instead of touche

touche there it is no sorry I genuinely can't remember that but just stop just have it man no I love it can't I

I love it it's great it's good for your head love it do I feel bad now saying that I would leave you yeah you should you should.

You should. I wouldn't. It happened on Grey's last night. Oh God almighty. I just feel like anything that happens to me in life medically, if I have some kind of

really awful medical trauma or horrible situations, touch what I don't. But I feel like the sum total of it will be you sitting next to us going, well, this happened on Grey's,

you know, Chris, this happened on Grey's. Don't worry, it happened on Grey's, you know. Chris, this happened on Grey's. Don't worry, it happened on Grey's. I've seen this, it happened on me going, oh, God. I would look after you. I would want you to live. Okay. Even if it's a jujitsu injury?

No. If it's a jujitsu injury, you will not see me for dust, right? You will not see me. That's fair enough. If it's anything else, absolutely anything else, I will be there.

Wrestling? No, nothing ridiculous like that where you've done it on yourself. But if it's anything else, I will be there for you. Alright, alright, alright. What if it's a car crash when I was driving to Jiu Jitsu?

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It's time for questions from the public! Ba-ba-do-ba-ba-ba-do-ba. It's time for Questions from the Public. Questions from the Public. Public. Public. Public. Public.

Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch,

it's shaggedmountainoid at gmail.com. Rosie, I don't know the mailbags. Absolutely bursting at the seams. What are you doing? Oh, Chris, it is bursting at the seams, like you say, like you say, but yeah, pick the best ones. Okay.

Sorry about that one. Didn't know where I was going with that. Sorry. Hello, Ramses. We have the family trip of a lifetime planned at Disney this Easter. You've already built it up too much. It's going to be a disaster. Built it up far too much.

Family trip of a lifetime. Joking, aren't you? Ooh, careful. It's my husband's and kid's dream. Mine, not so much. Fair enough. It feels like Groundhog Day with the whiny children and a geeked out Star Wars 43 year old husband for two weeks. But hey

ho, I'll get a day in the outlets. So they must be going to Florida. My husband is so looking forward to it and planning it to a tee. Reading all the hints and tips etc. While I was doing the dinner today, he and the kids were watching

YouTube videos of vloggers going around the parks to see what the kids will be interested in i was in i was in and out the room but not paying massive attention when i got into bed that night he texted me two youtube links asking me to watch them rate how much i want to do each of the rides on a scale of naught to five here's your holiday homework fuck off he and the kids have done this already and he's entered it onto a spreadsheet. Wow. And when he has my scores, he will complete it to see how we do the park.

Ick, ick, ickety, ick. Wow. It's a small ick after all. That was my joke. Very good. Talk about taking the magic out of the Magic Kingdom. Chris, you will probably be on board with this geek on. I'm on board with how much he's buzzing off Star Wars.

And I think it's lovely that him and the kids are so excited about this. But putting it into... That's the one thing about stuff like that, about how much you have to plan certain things. Certain things, I think, when you have to plan it to the nth degree, it becomes too much and it'll never live up to it's that it's the age-old thing of right stag do we're going on your stag do right we're gonna do this we're gonna do that yeah okay that was great but guess what that random Tuesday

where I said let's go out for two pints and we ended up staying out at four in the morning that was better than that because it was just a random we went with it yeah I agree not that I would ever do that again just seeing the word stayed out at before in the morning they made us a little bit tired um took a little bit of my soul away that could taste uh pro plus but yeah um fair play to them but i think they've built it up too much but i do hope they enjoy it yeah no i'm sure they will but hang on he's uh my husband is dave from edinburgh and his job is a business analyst and he loves a spreadsheet oh well there you go it's fucking second nature to him, isn't it? That's like me writing a note.

Yeah. You know, a list. Yeah. Fair enough. But I'm always a bit envious of people like that, though. Oh. Because I go to these sort of places. It took us three times going to centre parks to actually be like,

oh, I need to book things. Oh. Do you remember? First couple of times, I was like, why is everybody at these things and we're not yeah yeah yeah it was only recently i found out i had a spa i was like sorry oh yeah what was i doing so no but i get it but yeah you're right we're both not like that we're not organized in any way shape or form which we were no which one of us was like that because i would just do if i was

her i'd be like oh just go away I think if one of us was that organised the other one would kill them do you think yeah would it annoy them yeah I think

the other one would murder them we'll do Disney one day probably when the kids are a bit older yeah yeah babadoo babadoo babadoo

bah dear Rosie and Chris long time listener first time emailer woohoo I've been wanting to send this story in for a while

but I still can't quite believe it happened to me. It could be a good candidate for a Rosie's Mysteries. Let's do it and don't forget to put your mysteries bit in because you keep running ahead with them. I was in a long distance relationship with a guy for a while. Every other weekend I would go and visit him or he would come and visit me.

Generally our weekend would have started with dinner, drinks, then sex before bed. Fairly standard. I hate sex before bed. dinner drinks then sex before bed fairly standard I hate sex before bed you do hate sex before bed don't you never been I've just

never ever ever been into sex before bed you're not sex before bed you are and I hope you don't mind just telling everyone this you are very much wake up

stick it in great wow so kids if you're listening wake up stick it in morning piss bye yes yes yes Wow. So, kids, if you're listening. Wake up, stick it in, morning piss, bye.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Or two o'clock in the afternoon, no one's in and I'm just about to jump in the shower. Afternoon delight. Yes. Just,

when I'm done for me day, had me tea, bloated the fuck, tired, I just want to go to bed. I just don't want to be touched. Dinner and drinks and then sex. Are you getting the garlic prawns?

Not if I'm fucking you later, I'm not getting the garlic prawns sunshine. Mate, people go for curries and that and then book after and I think I can't. Don't take me for a curry then expecting to have sex after that. Oh, slish, slosh, slishity slosh. I will be lying, I will be lying on my left side because it's the way

To avoid blood And heartburn Right and heartburn Because it doesn't block Off the tube to your stomach And lets the air out You've been watching Greys haven't you

No I've not been Watching Greys I'll be lying on my left side Burping and farting And waiting to fall asleep Same yeah After a year and a quarter In our relationship

Wow a year and a quarter Long distance Yeah Fucking hell okay Yeah yeah yeah I had my first UTI. Oh, shit. Urine infection.

Yeah, thank you. Have you ever had one? No, I've never had a urine infection. Oof. No. Oh, tricky little customisation. Not good? Is that when you're wee and it hurts?

Yes. And you need to wee all the time. It's horrible. It's horrible. I'd never had one before. Anyone who's had one will know it's a horrendous experience. It is. I then had a further Two really bad UTIs

Over the next few months Oh goodness One caused Horrific bleeding And almost gave me Sepsis Oh my word Holy shit

That'd kill you I know And I noticed A bit of a pattern It was always happening After I'd been to visit My boyfriend At his family home

Since he had moved Home after graduating From uni where we met. No. What are you thinking? He's probably thinking he might be booking someone else. Is that how you get them? No, it's not an STI, is it? Okay.

Oh, I don't know. Toilet seat? Toilet... Oh, God. My mind's awash. I mentioned it to him to see if he could think of why this might be happening. He said he couldn't think of any reasons why it could possibly be related to me coming to his place and said maybe it was a strange coincidence.

Brilliant. I brushed it off and assumed maybe I'd just had a bad few months. Always, in my experience of life and watching films and TV, always just telling someone it's a coincidence absolutely gets you off scot-free with no suspicion whatsoever. Do you think? No, I'm joking.

Oh, it must just be a coincidence. In what walk of life do you tell someone it must just be a coincidence and you're not fucking banged and right guilty of something? Oh, true. Here we go.

Okay. As the police say, as detectives say, no such thing as coincidence. Do you not think there is? Never? Probably is, but not when you're, you know, not when you're cross-examining a perp.

Perp trailer. Yeah. Well done. What? Just, I like the abbreviation of perp trailer. A perp. I don't think that's ever been used. Are you kidding me?

No. Is it? Yes. Is it well known? No. Is it? Yes. Is it well known? Yes. Perp? Perp? Perp.

Like? A perpetrator. Like purple? Like, yes. Or like a very jolly person saying pop. Perp. Perp. Have a glass of perp.

I've never ever heard of perpetrator. Come on, man. Sheriff John Brunel on the cops videos on Channel 5. Oh, no. What are you talking about? No. Come on. Everyone out there.

You've got Sheriff John Brunel. You know, it was the cops world's wildest police videos. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. I've never heard him. What did you say? The perp. Sheriff John Brunel. This young perp thought it would be a good idea to buy class A drugs and go for a joy ride.

No. But the Alabama State Troopers were hard on his tail. The only ride this perp will be getting is to the State Pen. I do. Genuinely, hands on heart,

never heard of perp, but I love it. Fantastic tan, grey hair, spiky. Oh. Has that been a personal conversation around here when we've talked about Brown leather jacket, fantastic tan. I do love it. Greer hair, spiky. Oh. Yeah. Has that been a personal conversation around here when we've talked about them videos and just how amazing their language is? So incredible.

And he's coming off the highway straight into a cell. He's going to come off the highway straight to jail. Brilliant. Love Sheriff John Bonham. It'll be the last time he visits a drugstore for a while because he's going straight to jail. Brilliant. Love Sheriff John Bonnell. It'll be the last time he visits a drugstore for a while, cause he's going straight to jail. Fantastic.

Right, listen. Back to the UTI. He got carried away celebrating his birthday, but he'll be celebrating at least the next five to ten in the state pen. Sheriff John Bernal. It was always hard on his tail.

It was always that. They're hard on his tail. I'd love to see footage of him in the voiceover booth just going hard on his tail. I imagine his head moved a lot when he said it. I do as well. Burning rubber. Sidewalk. Okay.

It wasn't until the next time I visited him that the horrible realisation of how I'd been getting the UTIs hit me. Straight in the gut. Oh, God. Straight in the vagina. Right. What are you thinking? How's she getting the UTIs? Right. So it's not from his dirty dick. He God. Straight in the vagina. Right, what are you thinking? How's she getting the UTIs? Right, so it's not from his dirty dick. He hasn't got a dirty dick

because that would be too obvious. Listen. It's got something to do and getting a bit better at these, it's got something to do with the fact that he's moved back to his family home. So he moved back to his family home after uni.

Yeah. His mum's washing the bed. I don't know how you get a UTI toilet seat uh water soap oh something to do with washing something to do with the bed that he's that's just sleeping in his mom and dad's house something to do with the something to do with the cleanliness of the parents house okay that's what i'm saying is that what you're going with i'm going very broad right i hope you don't i hope you forgive us for going broad. Okay, well, I can tell you right now. You're wrong! Oh, he's ran another stop sign! You chose the wrong road today, son!

He ran another stop sign! That was another thing about them. Sorry, I don't even care. I don't even care about your answer. He was always telling you how many times they ran a stop sign. And another! And another! I was like, he's being chased by the police, of course! he was always telling you how many times they ran a stop sign and another and another and I was like

he's on a fucking he's being chased by the police of course he's running stop signs you mad fuck it would be more interesting if he stopped

I've loved that's one thing I'm really jealous about Americans they get to watch hot tails oh you mean

put them straight on the news yeah go on the news I love that imagine anyway right so what was it?

How did this lass get a filthy vagina? I mean, it's a UTI. It's not filthy. It's not... Bin fire of a vagina. How did this lass get a steaming bin fire of a fan? Minch. Fanny means a different thing in America.

Bin fire bucket. Look, if people don't like this show we've killed this so much picture it picture it me my boyfriend and his dad

were sat at the dinner table after a lovely dinner that his dad had prepared for us nice romantic cook innit Chris after the meal I noticed my boyfriend was allowing his dog to lick his hands

no no no that no, no. That's, oh, no. I watched this in sheer horror for a good few minutes while the reality crashed over me. You've guessed it. I had been getting UTIs from him fingering me after he'd let his dog lick his hands after dinner for the past few months.

Oh, my God. And the dirty dog. Licking the fingertips of the pup. Which, if you take out the middle man, that dog's been going down on her. Oh, God. So. So, okay, but here's another thing, right?

I got told, I don't know if it's bullshit or not, right? Somebody told me that if you cut yourself, you should let your dog lick it. Because this like years ago is that true i know there's more bacteria in human saliva than there is in dog saliva okay yeah um but they eat their own sick like they lick their own sick i've seen you you're very flexible um i am very flexible by the way oh it's made us really sad the dog so

just her sitting there what like oh dear that's really you know what I don't even want to do that police voice anymore why

if only he washed his digits now you've ruined it in the kitchen sink you've ruined it she would not have had to go to the clinic you've ruined it. She would not have had to go to the clinic.

You've ruined it. Poor girl. Yeah, so I couldn't... Let's hope he washes those fingers before he dials 911. Right, sorry. Go on then. I confronted him about it and he didn't seem that bothered. And said he'd always allowed the dog to lick his hands.

Because it's not him pissing razor blades, the prick. Needless to say, our sex life died that day. Oh no needless to say our sex life died that day along with our relationship. Please keep me anonymous. Wow yeah. So there you go. Sorry. God that is rotten. I actually personally I don't think it was the dog. I think he was a dirty, rotten cheater, cheating on his girl, sticking his dick in the local fanny and not telling her. Do you think there's actually someone out there who's offended on behalf of that dog

who might email in going, how dare you say that that dog gave her that, that, that, that. I think you're probably right. Yeah. I mean, I just think, you know, maybe, maybe, gave her that I think you're probably right yeah I mean I just think you know maybe maybe wash your hands before you

start fingering someone and dare I say it after I could do that Dr. Ranges show on CBeebies

couldn't I I could do that no bother blendliness is next to godliness so I'm just trying to think as a as a

fingered person yeah yeah yeah as the fingery as the fingery yeah yeah yeah um clean hands definitely a bonus yeah don't think i've ever asked sadly oh short nails for sure i don't think i've ever checked

but yeah definitely love a clean hand there we go hate a long nail with the're the right guy. I know I am. Cleanest hands in the world. I know I am, babes. I know, I know. And I tell you what,

if you want to turn on this left thumb, it's swollen. Bit more girth for you. If you want to turn on. Bit more girth for your mirth. So disgusting. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Tidla-ick.

This is what it says in the thing. When I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner for us and the kids and he slips his knob out over the top of his shirt

and proceeds to look at me wistfully when we haven't had sex in a while. Gross. Wistfully. Sorry, is that the scene again?

Where are they? So they're in the kitchen. It just started. Literally, what's it called? The subject. Tiddlerick. Tiddlerickick tiddler's a great word and then it just starts when i'm in the kitchen cooking dinner for us and the kids and he slips his knob out over the top of his shorts and proceeds to look at me wistfully when we haven't had sex in a while wow worse still

he then slinks over and presses his semi-erect penis against me and actually sighs ick that's disgusting and he sighs oh god I hate the look that you

the look why do you look we mentioned this before I'm sure I did I said it on the tour you just look at your dick like you just look at your dick like

yeah I bet you love this don't you it's porn porn has toldorn has told men that as soon as a woman sees a dick, she goes, ah, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

No. It's not the case. It's not the case at all. Honestly. Yeah. Do you know what? You've just unlocked a memory. Oh, cool.

Oh, have I? Well, not even, it only happened the other day. But I've got these new, I've got these new like beers, these like non-alcoholic beer things. On a nice bottle. a nice bottle chilling in it no no

they're different so I bought I'm an enigma Rosie so I ordered some non-alcoholic beers that I'd seen on Instagram that are supposed to be

really really cool but I also ordered some really strong nice beers just to level it out haven't the non-alcoholic beers got cannabis in though no no it's not them

no no they're a different one listen let's not mention them too much they might want to sponsor one day and they're not getting this shit for free right so i sent jason a photo jason cook a photo but i was like oh because he was talking about something you know you don't want to just sit every night and drink beer in the house you do want to kind of knock it down a little bit and save it for a nice occasion so i sent him a photo i went oh these are really really good by the way and he wrote back you're joking aren't you have you not seen the side effects of them

and i went what and he didn't text back for ages this is the good beers these are nice beers yeah yeah yeah and he was like you're not seeing the side effects and i was like the side effect and i knew he was fucking kidding i knew in my head that he was kidding but i literally put it down and i was like the brand i'm googling side effects of the beer nothing's coming up and i'm like well maybe they've deleted them off and he said he said the reason

he took so long to text back was because he was playing Mario Kart with his daughter and they were having a race on Mario Kart so it was only about

three minutes but it felt like a lifetime and I put it down and I thought I can't enjoy it until I know he's joking what his punchline is

I went how are you and I'll you know like I'll reply what's the what's the things and he said he wrote back if you drink too many of them you get teeth in your tiddler I'll reply. What's the things? And he said, he wrote back,

if you drink too many of them, you get teeth in your tiddler. I don't know why he went, big capitals, actual teeth in the end of your day. He's like, you two are gross. I hate him. I hate him. I didn't drink it for like five minutes when I sat there worrying.

And now I've got teeth in there and I'm dead it's great put it up in my pocket eat it oh sly sly babadoo babadoo babadoo hi Chris and Rosie

long time listener first time emailer hello this could be Rosie's Mysteries oh we're going to double up double up double up Rosie's Mysteries

it's a Rosie's Mysteries special well I we're going to double that. For Chris to guess. Double, double, double. Rosie's Mysteries, Mysteries. It's a Rosie's Mysteries special. Well, I never knew that. Eee. I am a nurse. See, a lot of items put where they shouldn't be. Excellent. But this is one of my favourites. Oh.

I had a male patient who came in with something stuck down his willy. Oh, no, no, no, no. No. No. Not down there. It's so sensitive. Why, though? Why then? I don't know why. I don't know what's wrong with people. Right. no no not down there it's so sensitive why though why then I don't know why

I don't know what's wrong with people right again how sensitive are we talking mad sensitive right

like so sometimes right so the little end of it here right the little hole the way it comes out the urethra yeah is that what it's called in boys as well I don't know

anyway look so sometimes so it's like you know it's closed like that it's closed like that right now and then sometimes I don't know how Anyway, look. So sometimes, so it's like, you know, it's closed like that. It's closed like that, right? Now and then, sometimes, I don't know how, but it can slightly overlap sometimes.

Maybe you do exercise or something. Just slightly overlap. If you're a bit dry. I don't know. And sometimes it just slightly overlaps and a tiny bit of your boxer shorts can touch it and you fucking hit the roof.

Seriously? Hit the roof. Okay. So why, why people are venturing down the end of the day, I will never know. I see. That's mad.

I never knew that that was a thing. Really sensitive on the inside. Really sensitive. Oh, because you're circumcised. That's why you... Well, imagine the inside of a horse. Well, no, yours would surely be duller. Yeah, surely it should be.

Yeah. But... How about then? What is this? What is this pervert who should be in prison being doing? Had a male patient who came in with something to stuck down his willy. You should have it lobbed off. You go to the doctor's.

Sorry to interrupt again. You go to the doctor's and you go and put something down the end of your hair. She goes, you don't deserve one. Get it in the operating theater. Yeah, you're not looking after it properly. Get that lobbed off. You do not deserve to have one of them. They'd still find a way to tie something down.

It probably should make it a whole bigger for them. It wasn't removable. Remove? Removable? Removable. Nope. Removable. Removable. Well done. Hey, well? Removable? Removable. Nope. Removable. Removable. Well done. Hey, well done.

Thank you. Removable. It was an x-ray. Because it was in a knot. What was the item? Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. It wasn't. They couldn't remove it. They couldn't remove it because it was in a knot. So they had to, I'm guessing they had to cut his dick apart

right like I know exactly what it was what it was an iPhone charger no headphone cable nah

have we had that before yeah that was on tour cherry stork what's a cherry stork stork from a cherry people tie them in knots with their tongue

don't they it's supposed to be sexy ugh shoelace oh god if you like fucking Quentin Tarantino films no thank you

I don't think that's sexy Quentin Tarantino films are amazing by the you. I don't think that's sexy. Quentin Tarantino films are amazing, by the way. Yeah, I know, but they're not like... Listen, I'm going fast here, right? You're right. Shoelace. No. Curtain cord.

No. It's in a knot. It's in a knot. What else can be in a knot? What else? Do you want me to do it? No. A knot? You're so close. want me to do it? No. A knot?

You're so close. Really? Eh, eh, eh. Ooh. Eh. Ooh. Oh, what else can... I've done shoelace.

Let us tell you. Is it electrical? No. Oh. Eh. No, come on then. Washing line rope. Dirty.

Dirty. It is smooth, though. It is smooth. I didn't know. I had a thought there. Cleirty. Dirty. It is smooth though. It is smooth. I didn't know that. I hadn't thought there. Clever. Clever. Dirty but, you know,

cheap to replace. Sensible. So the knots, the knots because, the knots because he's done it a load of times and now he's not feeling it anymore. So the knots

to add a little bit of bump. Yeah, but seriously, do you think? Just add a cheeky little speed bump into the thing. How are you pushing that down? It's not that taut. It's not like it goes hard.

I don't know, Chris. I don't know why you would want him. His comment was, I'll not lie, I didn't fall on it. So there you go. You know what? Respect. Respect. Respect.

Wasting time, but respect. Meanwhile, back at home, bloody pile of wet washing. They were hanging up. Selfish. Mum's fuming. Depressing it in the winter when you've got nowhere to dry the clothes and you've just got to cover every radiator

in the house with your clothes. We went past the car wash place. The lads at the car wash the day were hanging up all the cloths. I thought, they're not drying today. Yeah. They are not not it's fucking five degrees

you wind down the window and shout that out I know but I just thought it's not they are not gonna dry it's cold did I ever tell you

when I used to live with Carl Hutchinson and I used to do what we used to have to do with washing on the really dark nights

in like November, December and we used to hang the washing on every single radiator in the house, December and we used to hang the washing on every single radiator in the house and have the heating on full blast just to get stuff dry

did you have a dehumidifier? no you should have it was where we lived it was very rough and ready but it was exactly the same time

exactly the same time at this sort of two month period of Manchester rain and dark nights washing hanging on all of the radiators. It's exactly the same time that Karl went through his

having mackerel every night phase. We know the mackerel story, man. We told you this. Well, I know the mackerel. We told it on the podcast, though. We must have. He made mackerel every night, didn't he? So did he just stink the full house out?

Fucking all the clothes, everything. Oh, no. Sofas, curtains, the whole place just stunk with mackerel. See, I don't fry fish in the house. And I love fish. You do it in the oven, but as soon as you open the clothes, everything. Oh, no. Sofas, curtains, the whole place just stuck with mackerel. See, I don't fry fish in the house. And I love fish. You do it in the oven, but as soon as you open the oven, that was that. And then he left the baking tray in the oven with all this mackerel grease on because, and I quote, well, I'm having mackerel again tomorrow,

so I'll just use it again. Right, right, right. This is, I know why you two are friends, right? So what made him obsessed with mackerel? Don't know. And the worst bit was, he used to tell us, he'd be like, Why you two are friends, right? So what made him obsessed with mackerel? Don't know. And the worst bit was, he used to tell us,

he'd be like, oh, I'm going to have a little bit of mackerel tonight with the blah, blah, blah. And he used to always say, and I bit my tongue for so long because I didn't want to be a dickhead. And then one, this was the killer. This was the real killer.

One day I went, do you think you could not make fucking mackerel? I was like, my exact words were, it's the most antisocial thing to me. It's a very smelly fish. I mean, it's delicious, but it is.

Do you know what he said? No, no, no, no, no, no. Do you know what he said? What? You know what, mate? I'm really sorry. I didn't think of that. And do you know what?

Honestly, I don't even like it that much. What? With his exact words. So why was he eating it? He liked the idea of it. He liked the idea of it, making it.

And then he was like, when I ate it, he was like, I'm always like, he's like, I'm always let down by it. I went to the grave fucking lunatic

how long did this go on for the mackerel easily easily a month and a half no and I'm talking he was having it

three four nights a week and that tray was just a fucking quagmire of just mackerel shit mackerel grease yeah yeah it's a very oily fish

I'll not bother I'll not bother washing that because I'm having mackerel again tomorrow so it was like just yesterday's mackerel so the first I'll have mackerel again tomorrow. So it was like... Just yesterday's mackerel. So the first day he did mackerel. The second day it was a mackerel and a half

because of the tree. The third day it was like doubling each day the smell of the mackerel. Nah. Dirty bastard. No. Dirty bastard. But you love him. Yeah. He's got a podcast by the way if anyone wants to listen to it as well. Oh yes. A little shout out to Carl's podcast there where he tells some of these stories he hears that I've said it. This mackerel one. He might retort to this mackerel one on his podcast.

We're like YouTubers. He does a diss, I do a diss. Great. Now I just have to listen to it all. You eat your mackerel, you'll be happy. I am starving to be happy. Put your mackerel shirt on and your mackerel trousers. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Hello. Reminiscent stories with friends, and I thought this one might be appreciated for Oh, Rosie's Mysteries again Oh my god Didn't plan this guys because I don't put that much effort into it There it is If it seems like it is then that's great Not when you said that but fair enough

Last year I was at a christening reception for my niece held at my in-laws It was July and the sun was beating down on us Drinks and conversation were flowing My partner's auntie has a sausage dog called Mergie for my niece held at my in-laws. It was July and the sun was beating down on us. Drinks and conversation were flowing. My partner's auntie has a sausage dog called Mergy she brings everywhere, including christenings. Okay. That was written really well. I can see everything.

I know, it's nice, isn't it? It's hot. You really painted the picture there. They're in the conversation, the drinks, and the dog's there, everyone's there. Sausage dog's panting because it's a bit too hot. I know everything. Yeah.

The cute little fellow hopped onto my lap whilst I was engaged in friendly chatter. My bag happened to open and the dog's back half was perched inside. Adorable. Oh, so it's like half in a little bag. As my forehead began to sweat under the sun,

I shifted the dog off my lap and reached into my bag to top up my makeup. I always bring my foundation brush with me when I'm out and about with a full face on. I do that sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You can just, you sometimes just rub it in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As I blended my patchy spots, I was surprised with the dampness of the brush. Oh, fuck it up. I must have left more foundation on it

than I remembered before leaving. Win. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God. Why don't people, like, where does your brain go? Oh, I must have. Like, the answer is normally the most obvious thing.

As I joined back into the conversation, I was overcome with a repulsive fish like smell My parents were present at the christening so I turned to my mum asking if she smelled anything strange A look of pure horror struck her face followed by an abrupt gag

I looked at my dad in confusion who simply told me to run Run! Run! Run! Run. I'm a fucking Terminator. Not way. Not way.

Not going to the bathroom. Run. Run. Wow. I ran to the bathroom to see I smudged... How did you know I had to run to the bathroom? Run.

Out the door. Down the street. A mirror, I'm guessing. I ran to the bathroom to see a smudge like residue smeared across my face. It appeared that it wasn't foundation I had blended into my face but in fact. The dog's anal gland juice. The dog's

the sausage dog's burst anal gland liquid. Fantastic. I used to be a dog person not so much anymore. Fantastic. My god. Do you know that I definitely I used to be a dog person not so much anymore fantastic my god do you know that I definitely

watched a few videos on TikTok anal glands of anal glands being burst because I didn't know what they were I had no idea

it's like a brown spot it's just coagulated bit of shit that's when they drag their arse on the carpets and stuff

oh Jesus Christ yeah the first time I saw someone expressing dogs a video of someone expressing dogs in her glands that was a that was a dark old day yeah it was a dark old day luckily I couldn't smell it

but imagine that I think the dog groomers do it rather than yeah yeah yeah you yourself something in the yeah

is it like a package it's in the yeah awful quick trim and a quick anal bland burst anal bland oh anal gland there's not much in this one it a quick anal bland burst anal bland oh anal bland there's not much in this one it's an anal bland

not very spicy this one sheena it's an anal bland not bland about it yuck babadoo babadoo babadoo bah I've got

so I've got loads of icks right love them you think you've heard them all but honestly we just haven't right hey guys a quick ick for you at the weekend my husband and I were out for a coffee when someone fainted because you think you've heard them all, but honestly, we just haven't, right? Hey guys, a quick ick for you.

At the weekend, my husband and I were out for a coffee when someone fainted. My husband ejected his seat in the cafe at full speed, bellowing, I'm a first aider. No, that can't be, no. And began putting the person in the recovery position. Major ick. I could hardly look at him for the rest of the day and get shudders when i think

of it now wow you batting and when he saved that woman's life my vagina dried up please keep me anonymous he was well annoyed at the time at me when i told him i get that though because he's not he's not like he's a paramedic or anything he's a first aider like don't shout first it don't shout first aider that's the thing just sort it do you know what it is though what if that person I'm watching Grey's as you know

no way what if their aneurysm like burst blood burst artery in their heart like their gallbladder something

I'm a first aider what are you gonna what are you gonna fucking do yeah check you out of me don't think you are no

you're gonna put them in the recovery position and wait for someone who knows what they're doing right but anyway someone's got to be there to put her in the recovery position though but yeah but you know what you mean i just feel like he's he's setting himself up for serious failure there i'm a first aider and then you just see him walk back we see when a real doctor comes in big dick measuring competition excuse me i'm a gp excuse me i'm. Excuse me, I just fucking have a massive fight. Doctor, as I'm mint, by the way,

just to say, this is so random. Absolutely incredible. It's really depressing, and I don't want to make you all sad, but when I was 19, there was an accident in front of a car, in front of me, and it was horrible, right?

And I had to give CPR. It was awful because I I was also a first aider did you shout out I'm a first aider I didn't shout out I'm a first aider

but I'd learnt I had all of my certificates at swimming so I knew you had them with you I didn't I knew how to do CPR but the amount of doctors

that pulled over incredible on that road to help was before the ambulance was there was absolutely I couldn't believe it

and I was just like this is above and beyond job isn't it yeah i just wanted to give a massive like yeah just thought it was amazing well they take oath don't they to say that they'll just help all the time right okay or whatever it is is that what it is yeah so it's not just in working hours they have to help if something goes on i think it's no i don't think it like binds them to do i think that they're generally no you've said it nothing generally people i don't let me go yeah what's wrong with her yeah oh sorry it's five past hi sorry my mate's got a funeral home i'll give him a bell like i'd be like i'd be like how about six you think I'm getting? No, no, sorry, like, sorry.

Terrible. That's terrible. Thanks so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Moudanoid, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. Yes, thank you very much. And as always,

if you want to get in touch, it's shagmoudanoid at gmail.com and details of my London shows that I get filmed for a special are on the Instagram somewhere and there's also

going to be a couple of warm up shows in the North East as well so keep an eye for them thank you very very much and we'll be back in the years next week

bye now bye Do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director

Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre

in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.