Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 255. Purple Power Ranger

Episode Date: February 9, 2024

This week on the podcast, Rosie is joined by a very special guest - Ice Bath Guy! Chris discusses his new obsession and just how many bags of ice he has to buy every morning to sustain it. Robin went to school in uniform on non-uniform day and Rosie remembers milk time at primary school as well as a very sleepy classmate... QFTPs include another icky voucher tale, a bedroom surprise, and a very enthusiastic DVD salesman. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game. And you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag Mind Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey. And we have a very special guest on this week's podcast. We are joined by my husband, Christopher Wim Hof Ramsey himself. The biggest hypocrite of the year is here in person. Absolutely brilliant.

How are you doing? How are you feeling? Joined the Ice Bath Society. I can't speak properly. I have never said anything against ice baths. You, you. Or the proprietors therefore of. Everybody listening to the podcast now, set your mind back to a few weeks ago when Chris used it as one of his sponsors, I think,

slagging off people who go in ice baths regularly and post it online. If you saw my Instagram the other day, Chris is now an ice bather. He's fully, fully immersed in it. Doesn't shut up about it. You knew what you signed up for when you married me. You knew from day one that I was an ice bath guy.

I've always been an ice bath guy. I was born in ice. God damn it, I'll die in ice. You're a hypocrite. You should never have slagged. Why did you slag it off in the first place? This is what I do, right? This is what I do. i slag things off and then i take my time and then i get on board with them some might say when it's gone out of fashion a bit that's you don't only get on

board with stuff you really you endorse oh i become the ceo i become the ceo of that company yeah yeah i slag it off i slag it off to the point of, you know, like, you get myself angry and work on about stuff. And then I try it and then I go on. I was like, I like it now. And yeah, I become the CEO, owner, proprietor. Spend a lot of money on these things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See also tea cakes.

But look. See also bike. See also everything. It takes a big, big, big, big, big, big man to admit when he was wrong. And I am that man. And well, basically, right? Everyone was doing them.

First of all, I haven't put a... You put the fucking photo on. I haven't put a video of myself doing it online. No, you haven't. Everyone who does that can still go to hell. Although I'll probably post one on Friday. Now, listen. Oh, jeez.

Oh, wait. Explain yourself. Oh, explain yourself. Everyone who was doing it, everyone who was doing it was like a fucking, you know, like a zero percent body fat, shredded, I get up at 4am and go for a 10 mile run and drink a raw egg kind of person. And I thought, ah, well, we're not there. And then someone I know um actually you'll not you'll not mind if i name check i'm james gill uh host and promoter of abc comedy or ab comedy always be comedy pretty normal guy lovely guys don't warm up on tv shows we've done before

lovely lovely bloke very positive very lovely but not over the top in your face no but i mean just not like just an everyday bloke, isn't he? Just normal dude. But he eats more bananas than anyone I've ever met in my life. Okay, good. That's the only thing I would say. Maybe he's a banana man. He might be a banana man. Banana man.

But listen, so he started, so I randomly emailed him and I was like, look, you're the only person who isn't like, you know, a certifiable sort of lunatic or athlete who I know who's doing this. Is it any good? And he was like, well, yeah. And I is it any good and he was like well yeah and i looked at the benefits and i was like you know what all of them are things that i could do with getting help with yeah mainly you know the other week on the podcast i was just basically the things that are qs is a checklist of your problems yeah the only one it doesn't do is a stop me being

a cunt i've got i've still got to work on that one yeah i normally got to work on that one personally and in my own time which is really doing me head in but yeah so i just said oh i was like look mate i was like you're the only person who isn't like you know a cult a cult leader um and he just said oh he was like yeah it's good he's like i think i feel a bit more energetic it was the energy thing for me i was on this podcast the other week screaming about being knackered um and annoyingly i'm really nagged today, even though I did the ice bath today. I don't know what the hell's happened. I've done something wrong. I don't know what's happened,

but I'm really tired again today, which is annoying. But it's all right. It's fun. It's not fun. I've done it three times so far. It's horrible. Nothing enjoyable about it at all. I have slept a little bit better.

Other than that, I felt no benefits. So I'm giving it a month. And then if I don't feel any, I'm not doing it again. I enjoyed a hot shower. I enjoyed a hot shower afterwards. And you fucking hit me this morning with you're not supposed to do a hot shower afterwards. And I Goog giving it a month and then if I don't feel any I'm not doing it again because it's horrible I enjoyed a hot shower I enjoyed a hot shower afterwards and you fucking hit me this morning with you're not supposed to do a hot shower afterwards

and I googled it and it was like yeah avoid doing that and I'm like but that was the best fucking bit sitting in sitting in the freezing water going it's alright

I'll be in a hot shower in a minute it's really nice fucking you can't have no do you know what it is though I just I just feel like I'm getting old do you not feel like that

yeah well no yes yes and no there's probably 20 year olds listening to this podcast guys I'm getting old. Do you not feel like that? Well, no. Yes. There's probably 20-year-olds listening to this podcast. Guys, I'm so sorry. We are old codgies. Codgies.

Codjas. That's a new one. I don't know. I feel like we do stuff now to just try and improve our life because we feel like shit all the time. I take vitamin D tablets when it's not sunny. I know. Because I'm like, oh, but I have that. It is.

I put sunscreen on every day now right because I knackered my skin so much because I worked abroad and didn't put

any sunscreen on my face where did you work Rhodes you worked in Rhodes yeah yeah

two summers yeah but I fucked my face that's why I look older than my sister everyone's like your sister looks

great she looks so much younger than you and I'm like yeah she didn't live abroad and not wear sunscreen that's a nice

thing for people to say yeah I get that a lot love that love that love I'm like yeah she didn't live abroad and not wear sunscreen that's a nice thing people say that's a lovely thing people regularly say love that love that love that for me my sister didn't live a life

of debauchery in her 20s like I did there we go then I drank too much I smoked too much didn't do any drugs because I'm not a mug but yeah I didn't wear sunscreen

I didn't look after me skin Chris I used to just go to bed every night with my makeup on didn't give a shit and now yeah but now now what am I doing eh

what am I doing? Eh? What am I doing? I'm sun screaming. I'm seruming. I'm oiling. Sun screaming. Chris, man, I bought a face,

I'm steaming my face on a night time. Yeah. Terrendous. I'm probably going to get damp in my room. I thought you were going to say in your boobs. Get dark or bloody damp

in my boobs. Steaming my face, it ran down. We're sitting in an ice bath. What the fuck's happened to us? Supposed to be, look, all I did, like I looked at all that, yes, I'll take it on the chin here. I am a massive We're sitting in ice baths. What the fuck's happened to us? Supposed to be, look, all I did,

like I looked at all that. Yes, I'll take it on the chin here. I am a massive hypocrite. Come on guys. I got tweets. I got tweets. I'm not saying X.

It's not a thing. I got tweets on Twitter saying you've slagged off ice baths. I'm counting the days until you're in an ice bath. Of course, because I'm a fucking prick. That is what I do.

It is what I do. You know, one day I might come on here and slag off Brazilian. No, I won't. I'll never do that. I'll take that back. Delete that. I'll never do that. Don't do that is what i do you know one day i might come on here and slag off brazilian you didn't know i won't i'll never do that i'll take that back delete that daisy delete i'll never do that don't do that i'm joking but yes so yeah there we go that's that's just me crack that's what i do i'd slag things off i go back on it and am i enjoying it yes it's quite nice putting yourself in a little bit of pain it makes you feel better it has but today i'm

fucking knackered and this is the first time we're talking about i'm really annoyed because i'm actually still tired today but I had a terrible sleep last night. We had a bad sleep. I had Ralph in my bed last night well in a bed with me last night and he woke me up in the middle of the night realised I wasn't you and just went

absolutely ballistic about it. I know we've been trying to get sleeping back together in the same bed. It's not working. We'll get about an hour. We'll get an hour and then like

we're back to square one because we'll get an hour and one of them comes through and I have to get up and move beds and move a load of shit and then I lie wide awake for an hour and a half.'re back to square one because we'll get an hour and one of them comes through and I have to get up and move beds and move a load of shit and then I lie wide awake for an hour and a half

it's frustrating because nothing happens in that hour that we have together we just go goodnight yeah and then roll over and go to sleep

we're still set on my fucking iPads ignoring each other I know it's pointless I'm enjoying that though oh good healthy but yeah Rafe woke up

and he rolled over and he was like mummy and I went no it's daddy and he went not you not you my Not you!

My own child, my own flesh and blood, who I'd been with most of the day. Not you! Not you. I want mummy! Not you! Hitting us in the face as hard as he could. Fucking two in the morning.

That is so brutal. Not you. Not you. Not you. So I rolled to the other side of the bed. I was like, well, fuck you then. And I let him just sit in the other end of the bed and just cry.

And he wound himself down a bit and then he gave us a cuddle and he gave us a lovely big cuddle and we fell asleep cuddling and it must have been 15 minutes he woke up and went mummy and I went

no daddy remember and he went no and I went oh fuck this so I carried him through to your room and just went yeah have him oh god I mean I was buzzing

I felt like I was holding him hostage are you sometimes right honestly good in your head all your cards on the table I don't even know what that means you don't know what I felt like I was holding them hostage. Are you sometimes, right? Honestly, go to your head, all your cards on the table. I don't even know what that means. You don't know what all your cards on the table means?

Is it a poker thing? Of course. It's like showing your hand. Right, showing your hand. All my cards on the table. I've got nothing to hide. Right. Are you sometimes a little bit scared of the kids? Yes.

Yeah. When I feel, yeah, 100%. When I feel like there's about to be a kickoff brewing, especially on a morning, I'm like, what can I do to make this not a screaming and shouting? What can I do to quickly navigate through this without having to, I don't want to get angry and start shouting.

No. And I don't want to be shouted at in the morning. It's, oh, mornings. But I don't think my mum and dad were ever scared of us. Well, they might have, yeah, but they never showed it. That's the point, isn't it? I don't show it. They don't know I'm scared of them, but I'm like, oh, please don't kick off, I can't be bothered. Yeah, well, I'm. That's the point, isn't it? I don't show it. They don't know I'm scared of them,

but I'm like, oh, please don't kick off. I can't be bothered. Yeah, well, I'm like that in the middle of the night sometimes. Rafe loves to pull me hair

and I'm like, I'm trying to stand up for myself and I'm like, no, I don't want you to pull me hair. Stop it. And sometimes he literally just rags my face over and grabs me hair

and I'm like, I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship and I'm like, scared's the wrong word, but I just can't be arsed because it's three o'clock in the morning and I give in and I'm like scared's the wrong word but I just can't be asked because it's three o'clock in the morning and I give in

and I'm like shouldn't fucking give in it's my hair you're not scared but you know the consequences I know that for instance there

you know that if you have to start having a massive excruciating shouting match with them it could be four in the morning and you might think well fucking I'm

getting up then or you might get so wound up that you might not get back to sleep and I know in the morning when they're kicking off before it's time to leave i think i don't want to start my day on a so i never i don't ever want robin to go to school upset as well tries his fucking best every day tries his fucking best oh crikey anyway look thank you so much for being here thank you for listening anyone else called

i'm fucking freezing. That's the thing. Tell you what, I have not warmed up yet. Keeps you cold for the day. I'm not. I might tap out. No. I'm trying it.

I do enjoy it. I don't enjoy anything of it. It's horrible. But getting in, I get nervous before I get in. You're in there. It's not nice at all. You get out, you're still freezing. I'm personally, two more shots of me doing it,

and then I might be out for the count. Right, okay. The only thing I've noticed is that the last two nights, I're still freezing. I'm personally, two more shots of me doing it and then I might be out for the count. Right, okay. The only thing I've noticed is that the last two nights I've slept better. But that could just be a fluke. Yeah, because I slept terrible last night. Well, there you go. That's a crock of shit. Forget it, I'm not doing it anymore.

Might be a crock of shit, but you know, what can you do? I've ordered a really expensive one now, so we're in it for the long haul. Of course you have. Of course you have. Why? Eh? What's wrong?

That was 80 quid. Mm-hmm. That's fine. That's enough to spend. Hurts me knees. On a fad. It's a little bucket, man. I can barely fit in it, man.

Barely fit in it. I'm going up to the blooming shop every morning buying bags of ice. They must think I'm a fucking, they must think I'm opening a cocktail bar. I just can't, every morning I buy five bags of ice the most thing fucks is problem

five bags of ice something like that I mean it's not that expensive but it's irritating it's a horrible start to your day buying bags of ice in February

the noise of them scraping together put them in the bag take them home and everyone looking going what's he doing the most thing you're not going to get

the reference but the most thing I've got one of the universal soldiers in the house I'm trying to keep him cold so he doesn't overheat Jean-Claude Van Damme Dolls London fantastic 90s film it's crazy never heard of it nah You're not going to get the reference, but the must think I've got one of the Universal soldiers in the house. I'm trying to keep him cold so he doesn't overheat.

Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolls London, fantastic 90s film. It's crazy. Never heard of it. Honestly. But yeah, we'll see. We'll see. Watch this space. All I'm saying is I felt tired this morning.

Jumped in it. I thought this would be great. I'll be energised. Wasn't energised. I feel actually a little bit worse. So that's really annoying. Anyway, thank you for being here. Thank you for putting up with my gargantuan levels of hypocrisy all the way through the 255 plus episodes

that we've done, including the Out of Office. This is life though, isn't it? If you've got the same opinion constantly, if you can't change your mind, then what's the point? Hey, newsflash! It's why I never get behind any kind of political movement, publicly. Because I change my fucking mind every five minutes. And it's my right and that's what I like to do. And we're here

to just take your mind off anything annoying and politically and newsy and sad so listen it is episode 255 thank you for listening thank you for being here thank you for being part of the little shagged married annoyed extended universe and before going anywhere else without further ado as they say it is time for this week's lucrative lucrativerative sponsor. And this week's sponsor is... Ordering your meal in advance at a restaurant. Oh, hello, can I get a table for four, please, on Friday afternoon? Yeah, you can.

Yeah, we're going to send you the menu. Can you order now? But it's Monday. Well, you've got to order now. Well, you've got to... Sorry, sorry. Am I booking me fucking wedding? Is this a wedding venue?

Is this a wake? Have I just asked for a table of 600 people? Either, either your stock rotation and your ordering is off and you need to fire someone or you need a bigger fucking fridge. Stop asking people to order in advance. Let's do me tits in.

Done. I find it odd. You don't know what you want, do you? It's happened to me loads recently. I know. It's happened to me so much. Well, we did it recently. We went out for a meal.

There was a fair few people, and we had to order in advance. And on the day, I felt a little bit not very nice. I thought, I'm going to be healthy on that night. Yeah. Right? So I ordered the swordfish. Brilliant. Ugh, got there.

Did I want swordfish? Did I shit want swordfish? I wanted a geek big massive bowl of pasta but the thing is right I thought it was an Italian restaurant very much Italian vibes very much pizza

pasta on the on the old menu right got there someone's birthday they brought over some ice cream

right and they had maracas and Mexican hats and I went this isn't an Italian restaurant and I was like what't a German restaurant. And I was like what is this restaurant that I'm

eating swordfish in and I've Robin had potatoes I had no idea what this restaurant it didn't, it was. Where are you going to sell swordfish around here? What the hell's going on? Might be in Seabass. It was one of them. It was just a fish. There's no I will put money on that you weren't ordering swordfish.

No way that makes you order that in advance serves swordfish. Is that a really, that's not like a, that's not an exotic fish. That feels decadent to me. Exotic, it comes fucking armed. Our Coleman's would have it. Coleman's seafood tamal would have it. No, it must have been sea bass. It was a fish.

It was a fish. It was actually quite nice. But yeah, I was like, I don't It was a fish. It was a fish with a sauce. Oh, it was a fish. Okay, good. It was actually quite nice. But yeah, I was like, I don't know what this is. There was nothing. Did they have fajitas on the menu? Did someone get fajitas? Sorry, why don't you try opening your fucking eyes next time you go somewhere? What do you mean?

Instead of coming and kicking on. You don't know what fucking fish you ordered. You saw maracas. You don't know if they had fajitas. Chris, I'm sorry. At a restaurant, right? If you're ordering pizza, pastas, and all that in between, right? Fish and chicken and whatever. Yeah. And then they've got fajitas Chris I'm sorry a restaurant right if you're ordering pizza, pastas and all that in between

right fish and chicken and whatever and then they've got fajitas I thought it was Italian but they mix things what are you what are you fucking border patrol

hey hey get no I just like it to be I like I thought you will play Italian folk songs on an acoustic guitar

or you'll fuck off. Take them tortillas with you. Eh? That better be a flatbread. That better be a fucking flatbread. Store-bought guacamole. No, honestly, I was just really, I was really shocked because I thought it was Italian.

I thought I was having an Italian dinner at an Italian restaurant and then they came out with maracas in these hats and I thought, singing happy birthday. I mean, I was devastated about the sea bass. I did want some pasta, but now that he's got maracas, I quite fancy a quesadilla. I've been robbed.

None of them put on a Mexican accent. I've told you loads of times about the Italian restaurant. Oh, yeah. All the Italian restaurants by us, they all put the accent on. Oh, it oh fucking great totally sucked in by it

for anyone who's never heard it I was when I was younger when I worked in all sports in South Shields I went to an Italian restaurant on a Friday night and the guy was like

good evening sir putting all this mad accent it wasn't Italian it was just mad same guy the next day came in all sports with his son and went

you got it you got the Adidas Sambas in a size 9 I'm sorry what the fuck happened to your accent man there was nothing all sports with his son and went, you got to, you got to add your sambas in a size nine. I'm sorry, right. What the fuck happened to your accent, man? There was nothing,

nothing Mediterranean about that man either. Wasn't he, he was very pale with ginger hair. Absolutely. I know exactly who you're talking about.

No, like, my family, so my grandad, whenever we went to Spain, or so, one time, when we were, I can't remember because I was just little, but we went to Spain, or so one time when we were, I can't remember because I was just little,

but we went to Spain and we were in a villa and something went wrong and they had to ring the people who owned it for the maintenance or whatever. Yeah. And when they got there, apparently the Spanish maintenance person started just speaking in Spanish to my grander because he thought that he was like.

Well, it's because your grander was singing a happy birthday to someone. It must have been. It must have been. Feliz Navidad. It's a Spanish thing, isn't it? And it's because your grandad was singing happy birthday to someone must be Feliz Navidad and it's Christmas so yeah so

my family someone who could possibly get away with it yeah yeah yeah absolutely not no absolutely not yeah back to

ordering in advance I can't order in advance I'm I've been known to change my mind as everyone else is ordering I get the menu I go that's what I want

I hear everyone else and I go fuck that last minute I go no I want that instead I always regret it isn't that the joy though that's the joy of I can't bear it

you know I can't bear it sort your kitchen out sorry if you have to have all of the stuff in advance you're not a restaurant you're school dinners

but then it goes yeah oh god fucking school dinners don't because you're bum school dinners no oh god I're school dinners. But then it goes, yeah, oh God, fucking school dinners. Don't, because you'd bomb school dinners. No, oh God,

I love school dinners, but you know now, well, you don't know, we have to pick the school dinners before he has them. Not my wheelhouse, look,

I do certain things I do around here. I go to BGG, I control the ice and the temperatures in the ice. I press record on this and I go back on things well done you need to be on board

with the school things because I forgot that it was non-uniform day last week let's talk about yep let's talk about that that was a nightmare

let's get this in let's get this in we're in yep so there we go jingle and then we'll talk about your feelings

as a mother oh wow alright great we had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle.

We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Maradonoid. So yeah, let me tell you about how I forgot Robin non-uniformity on possibly one of the most important to Robin of non-uniform days of all time. His school did like a charity thing and it was Lego Day. Robin is obsessed with Lego.

And I completely forgot. I completely forgot. So not only did you forget I wasn't for some reason I didn't get sent an email I don't know why you're not on the emails from the school

I am I get loads of them but I get random ones like I get random stuff but then I go she got that as well and I'll go to you have you seen this

and you go yes I've got it but then other ones I'll go have you seen this and you go what the hell's that so I don't know what the hell's going on however so I'm ready to go away

with the lads lads lads lads lads I lads, lads, lads. I went away for the weekend. Oh yeah, tell everyone how you went away because there's no evidence online. So obviously, everyone thinks that you just live at home and then I put something on

and they're like, away again. I went away at the weekend with my mates. For leisure time. Leisure time. Not work. Leisure time.

Fun time. Two nights. Two nights away. Three days. Yeah, two and a half days yeah it was it was awesome went away with the lads so i'm literally friday morning i'm getting ready and i get a phone call of you saying uh i've just had a phone call from the school robin uh was supposed to be in non-uniform he had his full fucking uniform on he's supposed to take in some lego he didn't have any lego uh

he's supposed to take in two pound he didn't take the two pound in and he was also supposed to take in um something for like the uh collection for the the homeless shelter thing yeah so i had to before going for my train run around the house like a lunatic gather everything up and belt up at the school and drop it off because i had one of the most stressful mornings in my life the weirdest bit was i was on the phone to carl hutchinson just before you rang us and carl went oh i've had a bit of a nightmare i dropped the band off and i forgot to take a bag so i had to go home and get a bag and then take a bag back round i was being a nightmare it's like the universe went oh i believe chris ramsay can beat that it's a fucking nightmare i just felt so i felt really bad really you don't want to be like you don't that is like i don't want to say core memory because core memory's

starting to do me tits in but that is a core memory being the only kid turning up in your uniform. I remember kids turning up in uniform on non-uniform day and you were like, oh God, look at them. I know. Oh, how embarrassing. The leper of the class. Fucking stay to him, look at what he's wearing.

And then if the parents couldn't bring the clothes, they just had to stay in their uniform all day. Some kids handle that really well. I wouldn't handle that well, I don't think. I remember a kid, weirdly, I saw him.

I hadn't thought about him for years and I saw him over the Christmas in a pub and I nearly mentioned it to him. It's one of my sort of main memories

about him. But he'd literally been like, why the fuck do you remember that about me? So what, just one time or was it quite often? No, no,

I sat next to him. So I saw him, this lad, I saw him in a pub over Christmas and he was like, I didn't recognise him at first and he had to remind and i went oh my god but i went through his uniform so he basically he he went to me juniors and me comp and i sat next to him in a few lessons in

comp um when what inevitably put an alphabetic lauder because i was a cop shite so he i remember i've got a really vivid memory of him going coming in to non-uniform day with his uniform on and uh i was like why have you why have you not got your it's non-uniform why have you not got it and you know you had to pay your money you come in you put money into the thing his exact words to us which i'll never forget were i'm not paying a pound to wear my own clothes what i even like i don't know i just remember thinking that's really fucking strange opinion for an 11 year old it's really strange opinion yeah yeah it was like first year comp he's like no i'm not paying a pound to wear my own clothes i feel like that've doth protest too much I feel like he forgot

I feel like he thought of that on the bus and he thought well how am I going to get away with this yeah yeah yeah just stubbing it out yeah I feel like

think back to school you know like now it's mad like I always remember there was a lad who was a couple of years above me and he used to always

fall asleep at school and now I'm like what do you mean I think he might have like you know is it narcolepsy when you fall asleep all the time where did he fall where did he fall asleep at school and now i'm like is it i'm like i think you might have like you know is it narcolepsy when you fall asleep all the time where did he fall where did he fall asleep i swear to god in assemblies right he would just be asleep on a teacher's lap sorry how old's he well he would have been i don't know i can't remember he was in my kids yeah he used to

always fall asleep he's asleep on a teacher's lap yeah but now I'm like was he did he have narcolepsy or was he just like did his parents let him stay up really late

but why was the teacher allowing him to be asleep so it must have been something serious I don't know I can't remember I'm gonna ring Kate

oh for fuck's sake hello hi Kate it's just me do you do you remember in junior school that lad who was in your year who used to fall asleep all the time at school Helo? Helo Kate, dim ond fi. Ydych chi'n cofio yn ysgol bwydol y fad yma sydd wedi cael ei gofio yn ystod eich blwyddyn? Wel, a oedd gennych chi argylepsi? Nid oes gennyf, ond roedd e'n ddwyedig ac roedd yn cael ei gael yn ystod y nos.

Ie, mae hynny'n dda. Felly mae gen i ddau cofnodion hynod o'r blaen, iawn? Yn ysgol. O'i bod yn bod yn ystod ystod y nos ar y lap o'r hyfforddwr. Yn ysgol. Yn ysgol. Yn ysgol. Yn ysgol.

Yn ysgol. Yn ysgol. Yn ysgol. Yn ysgol. Yn ysgol. Yn ysgol. on a teacher's lap in assembly so you normally leave from school at 16 right and he he hails over the men right okay no no he's got no medical

not as far as I'm away he doesn't have any medical reasons mad innit wow okay yeah okay love you

okay bye bye fucking hell just couldn't be arsed just thought hey listen I'm fucking

I'll tell you what I'll tell you what imagine imagine just falling a kip not a bad like not a bad thing I don't think it was

any sort of like I don't know like neglect or anything no I just I think his parents must it was just the 90s wasn't it

he's like oh he didn't go to bed till midnight so he's just blessed we literally like in third year infants just falling a kip I remember there was a kid uh

in my infants used to always come in and sit down on the mat with his coat on and the teacher go got your coat on and you go oh i need to stand up and change just go and get your coat go with the courtroom and take it off every fucking day well i'll tell you i'll tell you about me with the milk haven't i told you that i've told you years ago man we've definitely mentioned it on this or is it in the book? so I took ages to drink my milk and I mean now I hate milk I think I just didn't like it do they still do that at school? do they still just bring around bottles of milk

for everyone to neck at like 10 in the morning? I don't know, I don't think Robins do it I don't know, they might no, no yeah but they do, milk's still a thing but I know milk's a thing we've got some in the fridge but no in school like the milk round yeah like i used to do the milk round yeah but anyway so when i was in infants i mean one would think now you just the teacher

would go you don't really like it do you let's not make you drink it i used to sit with the milk and the whole class used to say sip swallow sip swallow what the fuck yes and I would have to drink you know this this was in the book I've deleted this

from my brain I'm sorry I didn't read that shit the whole class great didn't read my bits the whole class would sit and be like sip

swallow and I would finish my milk like a cult yeah in agony and my school was mad yeah

your school is a it's a fucking lawless wasteland. I know. Everyone's asleep half the time. I know. You're like, one of us, one of us.

Sip, swallow, sip, swallow. To finish my milk. Miss, she's coming out in a rash again. Doesn't matter, get it down. You say, our throat's closing up, miss. Sip, swallow, swallow harder. Fucking hell. The good old days.

Saw this lad just fell asleep in... Just always a kip. I just remember him being a kip all the time. You would have been jealous as well, wouldn't you? You'd be like, look at him having the time of his life. I literally was like, how's he getting away with this? Everyone else is hearing about the Harvest Festival. He's just knocking zeds out on the teacher's knee.

Get comfy, get cosy. What a guy. Getting a little snuggle in there. Jealous. That's how you school. That's how you do it. We're on 58% on the battery. We're all good.

Didn't tell you it was about to put those hell on before we started, didn't we? Oh, we're still recording at the moment. Still recording now.

It was absolute hell on. Laptop just went, oh no, I've got no battery now. Whole thing went down and then we had to start it on 20%. It was like

bloody coasting on, remember when you used to coast on fumes to get home? It's like coasting on fumes. I don't know if I've ever done that. It's a proper fear of mine.

You know, I'm quite a dacious. Is that? You and your man made up that. We've talked about this before. You and your man made up that. Your man made up the word dacious and she described Robin as dacious for four years until I went, that's not a word, by the way.

That's delusive. Dacious isn't a word. No, it's embedded in my brain. Well, it's not a word and one i'm sure i would call one of the podcast episodes dacious i'm sure we did it's not a word stop using it yeah actually you haven't used it for a while you're slipping back in your old ways stop using words that your mom's made up so um i'm like and i don't sorry i have to admit again no because dacious would be running by your mom's definition of it dacious would be running on fumes would it yes right because she used to say because

robin was like a you know he's a loose cannon he you know got no fear so he's dacious like that's not it no that's cotton so if you were dacious you'd be running on fumes okay well no what i was gonna say is in other parts of my life i am i. I'm quite kind of skin in my teeth. Decious. But with petrol, I'm terrified. I get the lights on. I'm like, must go to the petrol station. It's one of my massive fears is running out of petrol. I think because my car, my first car, God rest our soul, broke down, right? At a roundabout.

God rest us. Oh, Chris, I've never been more scared in my entire life. It was on a Cowgate roundabout Where the Morrisons is Absolutely massive roundabout On the way at the airport Near town I broke down on that roundabout

19 years old No I wasn't 19 How old was I? I was a lot older How old was I? 25 But felt very young Still young but at the time it was how old was I 25 but it felt very young yeah

felt very young still young yeah hadn't been driving that long and yeah shit me pants hadn't topped up

me oil oh so it was total my fault my engine like blew oh god yeah so it was

self-induced one who knows I'm sorry right fucking loser people out there if you've just got your first car you've got no idea what to do I'm sure you're doing your theory test or your test I'm sorry, right? Fucking loser. People out there, if you've just got your first car, you've got no idea what to do. I'm sure you're doing

your theory test or your test. I'm sure they're supposed to teach you how to do that. No. The dipstick thing. The stick, I think. The stick. Yeah. Stick the stick in. Get a cloth. I haven't done that for years. And then stick it right out. Should I be doing that on mine? We should probably do that on our cars. We should probably check your car. That's definitely, that's your

job. I told you earlier on I do the ice I do the BJJ and I go back on things. They're me things and I press record on this. Can you add the dipstick? I can't touch it.

I don't like that. Please. I don't like that. Sounds a bit sexual. I don't think that should be. You'll love it. I don't feel comfortable doing it. What was I going to say before that?

Something not funny and unnecessary. Wow. I don't know what you're going to say. No. I'm not going to say it. What? I was going to No. I don't want to say before that? Something not funny and unnecessary. Wow. I don't know what you're going to say. No, I'm not going to say it. What? Say it. No, I don't want to say it.

I was going to say, I was going to say, touch wood, I've never broken down. But I've said it now. Never, ever, ever. Nah. Touch wood.

Oh, gosh. That's the only time I've broken down personally. But when I used to tour the vans in the vat god so many times yeah so much you've got to get out of the van you know you've got to get out and stand on the road miles away oh yeah you know i was sitting in case someone hits it yeah you've got to sit up the sort of verge of the motorway have you ever sat in a car while it's on the motorway

yes car's going past fucking shakes every time people go past like an idiot once when i first started stand-up i was knack stand up I wanted a nap in between gigs and I didn't I was in a hotel and I pulled to the side of this A road and I lay down in the back of my car

and every time a car came past the car just shook and I was like three or four cars went past and I went I'm not having this

ended up sleeping in the car park of a Pizza Hut that was a good day just outside of Leicester Pizza Hut and Pizza Hut and cinema

showcase cinema I think there's Pizza Hut and Pizza Hut and cinema showcase cinema I think there's Pizza Hut cinema possibly in Nando's stepped in the car back of a Ford Focus in that car

all night why no just for the afternoon just a little nap in the afternoon okay yeah I just remember

rolling out of that nap you know when you're disorientated after a nap anyway I remember rolling out and there's like kids coming out of like an afternoon show

and I'm fucking minions or something I don't know what was going on it's not nice sleeping in the car you think it would be but it's just not it's not nice napping I've gone off napping

you just wake up unless if you go if you have a nap in an afternoon and you have to set an alarm to wake yourself up so you're not waking up

naturally from that nap worst thing ever yeah worst thing ever hell on absolute hell on you don't know what day it is you don't know what year it is

you don't know who you are don't have time for a nap nowadays oh great great babadoo babadoo babadoo Hell on. Absolute hell on. You don't know what date it is. You don't know who you are. Don't have time for a nap. Nowadays. Oh, great, great. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking

Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever?

Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. It's time for Whatcha Beef!

Whatcha Beef! Whatcha Beef! Whatcha Beef! Beef! Beef! Beef! Beef! Beef! Beef! Beef! Beef! Beef! Beef crisps! it's time for what's your beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef crisps come on then listen ladies first that sounded like that that sounded quite songy come on then listen did it? it was nice

come on then listen oh you've ruined it you were in tune the first time accidentally yeah i know i know i'm not in tune i know

my beef beef slash ick with you is these... Oh, for fuck's sake. They're all icks, aren't they? Right, these tops you've bought. You've bought some tops. Tops? And them tops that you keep wearing with the buttons, and they look like pajama tops.

Oh, okay. I don't like... I don't know. Did I tell you to buy them? Long sleeve, sort of baseball jerseys-ish. Where are they from? Just long sleeve with buttons on. Don't know.

Can't keep track of it. Don't know. I think one of them's from the shop up with buttons on. Don't know. Can't keep track of it. Don't know. I think one of them's from the shop up the road. I don't know. Right. Are they meant to be daytime tops? One of them isn't. One of them is a pajama top that I got with a set of pajamas,

the grey one. And the grey one with a little pattern, like with a little sort of material grooves in the material on it, that isn't a pajama top, but it looks exactly like a pajama top. Yeah. Please stop wearing them during the day. People it looks exactly like a pyjama top. Yeah, stop. Please stop wearing them during the day. They're just, it's not.

People think I've gone out in pyjama tops. It's not, yeah, you need to stop. They've got like them tiny little buttons on. Like it's just, it's very pyjama-y. Yeah. Is it also because when I'm wearing it, I also wear my nightcap and I'm carrying a candle on a little plate. That could be what it is.

Right, that might be setting it off. That might be setting it off. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Would you be setting it off, you know. That might be setting it off. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Would you ever wear a nightie? No. Lots of me balls and arse are just hanging out.

I'm just asking. Why would a man wear a nightie? Well, why wouldn't they? Back in the day, that's all they used to wear, nighties. Oh, like one that goes right to your feet? Mm-hmm. You know. I don't know.

You've got us thinking now. Like a... I don't know why they turned into just a female thing. Like an Ebenezer Scrooge nightie. Aye, yeah. Like a cloth. So when you wear a nightie, do you also wear knickers or do you not wear anything else?

I don't wear nighties. Last time I wore a nightie was when I was pregnant. Why are you trying to get me to wear nighties if you don't even... I'm just asking if... I didn't say wear a nightie did I say wear a nightie I didn't say

why are you asking if I want to wear it's really I said would you ever would you ever wear a nightie no we've talked about this we've had x of people who've sent in

x or beefs because their partner male partner just wears a t-shirt with his balls and arse hanging out it's disgusting oh god yeah

makes us think of it makes us think of I'll tell you exactly what what makes the thing off when i was younger me mate i must have been seven or eight me mate got circumcised and i went to his house to play and because he's he couldn't wear any boxer shorts or underpants because his knob would touch them and he would it would hurt so he was me me and him were playing his house he was just running around with a big t-shirt on and every now and then i saw his balls and arse how old was he? eight or nine bless him he got circumcised later on in life

oh god why? I went around one day so I went around one day is this one of the skin in the bins? yeah he's on the same all of us on that estate right yeah something in the water

something going on no I'm sorry I don't know what's going on something going on on that estate I might want to call the local police so he got same place as here,

we'll live right next to it. So he got, he got circumcised and then the day after, he was in his dad's boxer shorts. He was playing in the house and I was with him. And every time the boxer shorts touched the end of his knob,

he hit the roof screaming. It was actually quite harrowing to be around. So then the next day, just knob out, playing with his, but I think he had the Power Rangers, Power Rangers toys, he had all the, all the things.

Just knob out. Why did you go around? Kind of feel like if Robin had to get circumcised at this age, I'd be like, I don't think you can have your friend around because you've, I went around.

You know? Okay. Green Ranger, Pink Ranger, Blue Ranger, Tell you now though, there's nothing more, our kids,

Purple Ranger, oh no, that's his knob. Awful. There's nothing worse than when our kids... And our kids love to be naked. They've just got their arse and their tiddlers all over the sofa.

Just sit on it. Just sit on the white bed. Don't give a shit. Kegs off, I'll sit on the bed. You will not sit on it. You will get the fuck up now off that bed. It's minging, innit? Ugh, awful. Anyway, you ready for your beef? Aw. No, no. Yeah, go on then. Kegs off I'll sit on the bed You will not sit on You will get the fuck up now Off that bed It's minging innit Awful

Anyway are you ready for your beef Aww Yeah Go on then I don't feel like I've done anything recently I've done a couple of things Main one Was it last night

I think it might have been last night Oh great My beef with you Fresh off the press Hot off the press You opened a packet of crisps last night Yeah In front of us

Yeah And said I don't want to eat the full packet And you handed me the packet And went packet of crisps last night in front of us and said, I don't want to eat the full packet. And you handed me the packet and went, finish these crisps. I don't want to eat the full packet. And I didn't want to finish them. And you got angry that I wouldn't finish them. So you folded them up and you put them in the corner.

And about 20 minutes later, you came down and you finished them. It goes back to a while ago. I'm not enjoying the new crisps. I'm not enjoying the new sort of looking down at me monk living you did say this the other night I miss my little piggy friend

I had a pizza the other night I pick and choose if I don't want a pack of crisps you can't force me a pack of crisps and do you understand the tightrope I walk on because if I'd have ate them crisps 20 minutes later you'd have come down and? Because if I'd have ate them crisps, 20 minutes later, you'd have come down and went, I can't believe you ate them crisps.

Am I right? It's that you can't win. I can't win. I know, I know. I just, honestly, come on. Come back to us. Come back to us. No.

I miss Twix eating crisps. I don't. I'm sick of them. No. I had a finger of a Twix the other day. Did you? Where? On the train.

One of the lads bought us a Twix. I had one finger of it. Slag. One of them opened a Twix, gave me a finger of a Twix the other day. Did you? Where? On the train. One of the lads bought us a Twix and I had one finger of it. One of them opened a Twix, gave me a finger of it and the other one gave me a Twix and I went, take it away, I don't want it. Don't want it.

Honestly. New man. A new man. That'll not last. Nah, maybe not. It's time for Question from the Public. Question from the Public.

Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. As always, Public. Public. Public. As always, if you'd like to send anything at all,

it is shagged, married, annoyed at gmail.com. Thank you kindly. Chris and Rosie, greetings from Dublin. Oh, hello. Before we go any further, please keep me anonymous as I'm currently still in the thick of the dating game and don't want to give any wayward penis out there any ideas. Okie-dokie. What an incredible,

incredible way to ask yourself to remain anonymous. Of course. Thick of the dating game. Wayward penis. I just enjoyed wayward penis. Do you,

I think there is some downfalls to being married. No disrespect. Oh great, let's get into this now. It's always nice to be blindsided

with something like this. Oh no, because sometimes it's just a bit intense. I think marriage is a bit intense. Like it it's you know it's fine what do you mean like i don't know marriage is a lot you gotta work on your marriage you've got to be like you've got to compromise with someone you've got to live with someone you've got to there's

this stuff and you've got parent together it's hard it's hard right okay but do i want to be thick in the dating game i don't think i do never again so that's it's like you know one plus of marriage or long term relationship the one plus oh great the only plus fantastic

there it is okay so this happened a couple of months after Ireland got the all clear after our second lockdown oh fuck off

and as I had made the seemingly financially considered choice to move back to my family home at the beginning of lockdown in 2020 for what I thought would be two weeks it's not a stretch to say i was gagging for a bit of single

girl gallivanting there we go oh gosh imagine that single lockdown gallivanting for you my lass i can't do the irish accent i'm just like i tried i went very very cartoonish with that you did but it was good it was good long story short I met this lovely guy on a dating app went on two dates and everything was going according to plan okay our third date rolls around and I was planning on pulling out all the stops for the big night yeah yeah yeah I was going to go to his and as I was slightly nervous for my first cuddle club meeting, sorry Chris, in 18 months, I went for a girly brunch beforehand

to loosen myself up a little. Sorry, for a second, I genuinely thought she was going to jiu-jitsu there. She just means she's going to have sex. She's going to have sex, yeah. Right, okay. She hasn't had sex in 18 months. Right, okay, okay.

She really stuck to the rules. Wow. 7pm rolls around and I'm more than slightly tipsy in a taxi on my way to his place. Always a good idea. Yeah.

As I was walking into his building I couldn't help but notice how fancy his apartment block was. I'm talking doorman gold lifts.

What? Finger pad locking on all the doors kind of fancy. What the heck? Yeah, like proper I mean, Dublin's beautiful and the sun really

it's gorgeous. I know. I think when I was on tour with Al Murray, I stayed in a hotel in Dublin. It was... Yeah. Yeah, it blew me socks off. I need it both.

It was phenomenal. There's some gorgeous places in Dublin. A lot of people messaged us and asked why we didn't take the tour to Ireland. We wouldn't have made any money. That's as simple as that. By the time you take everything over. Yeah.

Yeah. It was too big a show to fly over and then we wouldn't have really made any money so i mean normally what we'll do is you say something like we couldn't make the dates work really so we'll try next time rosie's went straight in there honesty i've got to respect the honesty yeah wouldn't made any money and snites away from the kids and that's that just why you don't go to work if you're not going to make money. You know, not being funny. Sorry, guys. To be fair, though, if I knew they had places like this with doormen and fingerprints,

I might have made a trip just to see all this. I would love to go. I would love to go. It's beautiful. Yeah. Looks a lot like New York. Some parts of it. Does it? Yeah, because a lot of the Irish built New York, didn't they?

So it's... Yes. Yeah, yeah. Oh, we need to go. We need to go. I've been, mate. I've been. Clocked it.

I want to go. Clocked it Clocked it So much so That when my date Opened his door The first thing Out of my mouth Was Christ

How do you afford This place All on your own Oh As he took great pride In telling me On our first date That he didn't have

Any roommates Which at 27 in Dublin Is a big flex Wow We settled in For the evening Had some more wines And one thing

Led to another As we were on his couch. He pulled away and said the sentence which will forever be seared into my brain. Oh God, what did he say?

I've got a surprise for you. Oh for God's sake. Intrigued, I watched him scurry off to his bedroom. Scurry. Scurry. What's funny about scurry?

They're about to have sex but he's now scurrying so he's gone from so it's obviously going to be something bad because he's gone from being this guy oh he was really

lovely guy on a date now oh third date I'm pulling out all the stops oh I'm a bit I'm a bit nervous so I'm getting a bit tipsy oh beautiful apartment

big flex so he scurried off to his bedroom the fucking rotten bastard that he is can't wait to hear what this is okay scurry scurried is unbelievable just imagine that in 50 shades of gray imagine or a book you know i mean he got up from the couch i could tell he was erect in his pants and he scurried off to his bedroom and put his dirty knob in his stomach

makes me think of a rat. Yeah, scurried. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a ridiculous word. Okay. It's incredible. I've got a surprise for you. Intrigued, I watched him scurry off to his bedroom, only to return with mysteries, mysteries, mysteries.

Oh, God. Forgot about that. Do you want to guess what he's returned with? Oh, I mean, it's so open-ended. He's scurried, though, so it's obviously something shit. It's a letdown. She was dead excited. He's got a surprise. Mm-hmm. He's scurried though so it's obviously something shit. It's a letdown. She was dead excited. He's got a surprise. Hmm.

I don't... It's so open-ended. I'm gonna say some kind of costume. Right, okay. It can't be a food stuff to put on her because he hasn't gone to the kitchen. He's gone to his bedroom. Sex toy or a costume. Right. You're wrong. Brilliant.

Only to return with his long-term live-in girlfriend sorry yeah i shit you not i was expecting some fluffy handcuffs or a dildo at worst but never in my wildest dreams did i think i'd be confronted with another living breathing woman what the Turns out, he was in an open relationship, which he had never told me. No shade, just not something you expect to encounter. No, no shade. I'm sure you have to tell them. I'm sure that's the point.

I think that is the point. The word open implies that it's open, but you have to be open about it being open. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. To open across the board. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You scurrying little fucker, yeah. Well, this would make me feel quite chuffed.

His girlfriend had seen a photo of me and wanted to get in on the action or so I was told. Oh, you are so fickle, Ginola. Listen, no, alright. This is just... Oh, she thinks I'm pretty. Oh, go on then. So you... Listen, I was annoyed

when you scurried off the bedroom but she thinks that I'm fit so that's fine hey actually what you've twisted me arm let's all scurry into that bedroom

shall we fucking hell man suffice to say I sobered up in an instant and my slaggy little legs have never run

out of an apartment so quickly I was slowed down by the finger locked door so hold on so they didn't no they didn't do anything I ran out of an apartment so quickly. I was slowed down by the finger-locked door. So hold on. So they didn't... No.

They didn't do anything, but she was flattered. Yeah. There are some things you do for the plot, but Janine was not going to be one of them. Two years on, I still laugh at the conversations they must have had

when I bolted out of there, but wanted to share to give you a laugh. Question for you guys. Would you have done the same or would you have cracked on simply for the story? Don't do anything for the story no don't do anything for the story i'm a i'm a big believer in not just cracking on with something that makes you uncomfortable just because you might get a story of it afterwards i mean oh god if i end i mean don't get us wrong most of my

fucking career has been built on telling stories of things that were an absolute disaster or a nightmare but i've never gone i'll just do this for the story. No. I don't think you can do that. That's not part of my thing. But I have to say, when I was younger, I did some things that I think, I don't know, I just thought, why?

Yeah. Why not? But this though, he should have, so when this last came, so this last comes in and goes hey I can't believe you live here on your own and he goes

big flex etc so this other one's just sitting in the fucking bedroom waiting it's just sitting there what's she doing is she listening

through the door I wonder how it's going is it my bit yet is it my bit I don't I personally sorry but he gets up

and goes to the toilet and just like oh it's my bit oh no I'm just going to the toilet I haven't said anything yet alright okay well don't take too long like

this is hypocritical me again because I'm like I'm like I've never ever had a threesome because it's absolutely not my cup of tea too much admin couldn't imagine it

but I think to be I mean we might be completely wrong because I think nowadays people are a lot more kind of easy going to be in an open relationship,

I think you don't have to like that person that much. Yeah. Any of my past relationships, right? Yeah. And I've actually broken, you know,

we've broken up. Yeah. I would never have wanted to share that person. I know what you mean. Does that make sense? Yeah. I've never been,

I think, I think if you can share your partner with someone else, you don't actually like them that much yeah is that weird that might not that might not be the

is it not the mentality behind it alright the mentality might be you two my old school no the mentality might be like you two going on the pole

you know how we will watch a TV show together you know how we're like there's that thing that's the new Band of Brothers thing and we're like

right we're gonna watch that when we get a bit of time we're gonna watch that that's me mine and your thing we're gonna have that okay it thing, that's the new Band of Brothers thing. And we're like, right, we're going to watch that. When we get a bit of time, we're going to watch that. That's me, mine and your thing. We're going to have that. It might be like that. It might be like, oh, us two. Oh, you've seen her?

She's got it right. Us two are going to have her. Or us two are going to have him. Does that make sense? I don't want, that's just not my, I'm not into that. I find it strange and I find it weird that he didn't see. You've got to see something from day dot.

You can't just, you kind of just blindside someone like that and hope they're up for it. I know. That's going to end in failure more times than anything else. Yeah. Sorry, I got a bit serious there, but it's just really weird.

Yeah. It's just really weird. I've got a surprise for you. Oh, it's another human. Bit weird. I'd rather had a giant Millie's cookie. Thank you very much. Well, there we go.

Yeah. There we go. That's the kindness. If someone says to me, I've got a surprise for you, I'm thinking, rather had a giant Millie's cookie thank you very much well there we go there we go that's the kindness if someone says to me I've got a surprise for you I'm thinking is that a giant Millie's cookie

is that what you're always thinking most of the time okay and if it's not I'm thinking well let down innit yeah

babadoo babadoo babadoo hello Chris hello Rosie to pick up on Chris's embarrassing porn story in episode 252 do you remember when you were at was it you at Inland Revenue you remember when you were at, was it you?

At Inland Revenue? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You were getting put on everyone. Yeah, the guy shows, yeah. 20 odd years ago, I used to work on a shop just off Oxford Street and we were forever being visited by dodgy geezers selling cheap cigarettes, knocked off perfume and aftershave, etc. Okay.

Those were the days. Yeah. When the DVD managed to come round the pub. There it is. The exception was a very respectable bloke of small stature. I don't think English was his first language. He used to call us Mr Bob, Mr Keith, Mr Nick, etc.

And sold pirated DVDs of popular movies. There you go. One of my colleagues, let's call him Mike, asked if he had any... Mr Mike. Asked if he had any... Mr. Mike. Mr. Mike. Asked if he had any other DVDs. Oh, God.

Which he had. Of course he had. Of course he did. That'll be where he makes most of his money. Yeah, it is. That'll be where he makes most of his money. Thereafter, every couple of weeks he would come in. A fiver would be passed over and Mike's begoning, is that right?

What does that mean? Begoning.oning don't know b-u-r-g-e-o-n-i-n-g bergenoni what does that mean what is this word I wasn't really listening when you spelled it I was just looking at the confusion on your face okay it means beginning to grow or increase rapidly. Okay. Should I know what that is? Burgundy? I don't know. Oh, God.

Someone's going to email me like, that's an everyday word. How are you not using that? Not if you don't fucking use it. Do you know that word? Not really. I'd have probably known it written down. There we go. Look at it. I'd have probably known it written down.

All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you say it? It's not something I, I don't know. It's not something I read. You fucking bullshitter. No, I mean, I've seen it before. It's not something I read regularly. It's not something I... I don't know. It's not something I read. You fucking bullshitter. No, I mean, I've seen it before. It's not something I read regularly.

It's not something I ever say. All right, then. Well, Mr. Mike's porn collection would grow incrementally a bit larger. Are you all right, darling? I know that one. Incrementally? I know that one.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is... What shop did you work in? Yeah, fucking thesaurus shop. Hi, mate. One day just before Christmas, he came in to make his usual delivery and the shop was absolutely rammed with people.

Oh, God. Mr. Mike gestured frantically that this was not a good time to make the deal. Not today. Go away. But Mr. Mike, Mr. Mike, came the plaintiff... Sorry. go away but Mr Mike Mr Mike came the plaintiff sorry

came the plaintiff loud cry from the back of the crowd I've got those special up the bum ones you like you know how to how to fix that

dead quick oh my suppositories thank you very much doctor well done the silence that fell over the shop was deafening. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Wow. Wow. I've got the bum ones you like. That's disgusting. Like for your porn dealer to be downloading specific ones that he knows you're going to like is

really not the kind of level of relationship i would ever like to have with a person one for them going where's the word click click click oh yeah there's a bum one that he'd love that and for mike mr mike to be sitting there tossing off going hey he's done well this week that's a great one this is nah all of that nah do you want to hear a voucher story I had loads of vouchers like so many people

pay with vouchers get in so many hi Rosie and Chris just listened to the podcast where you brought up the voucher again so I thought I'd give you

a bit of gossip I may have surly used the word gossip because I know Rosie searches for these keywords well done let me paint this picture for you

I was 18 and fresh on the dating scene after breaking up with my childhood sweetheart i was innocent naive and untainted by the reality of dating men yeah not for long great a guy i met on a train asked me out on a date and feeling flattered i took him up on his offer that's nice good old good old fashioned way of meeting yeah so yeah that is the wrecking that that's a really good way of doing it rather than just being pissed up in a nightclub, meeting on a train.

Book shops, the one they always use in films and stuff. That's bullshit. Okay then. They're all shut and no one goes to book shops anymore. All right, well maybe just bump into someone on Amazon,

I don't know. What? Used to sell books, didn't I? Great. How exciting. A slightly older guy with a full-time job. I've landed on my feet here I thought

get in we met in a shopping centre and I assumed he would have a plan for my first date as a singleton he did not wow well I mean

don't assume so they just met and that was that so they just met in the shopping centre and went hello and then she went what we're doing

and he went I don't know yeah you would plan something can't we yeah even if it was something as simple as oh I need to go and get some shoes you want to come with us yeah yeah yeah and then she went, what we're doing? And he went, I don't know. Yeah. You would plan something, can't we? Yeah. Yeah. Even if it was something as simple as,

oh, I need to go and get some shoes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's something to do, I suppose.

As we wandered aimlessly through the center making awkward small chat. Sorry, I've just realized, can you imagine going and buying some shoes and being with someone? A stranger. And the staff start talking to you

and they're asking you if you need a different size or whatever and they're like, oh, how do different size or whatever and they're like, oh, how do you know each other? They're randomly asking you after the first date. Oh,

we've literally just come from my first date and I've come to buy these shoes. I don't know why I said buy shoes. That would be the weirdest thing in the world. If anyone's ever took you on a first date to buy shoes,

email in because that would be hell on earth. I've forgotten dates but I've been on dates and they were horrible. You've never been on dates? I've been on loads of dates. No one's ever took you on dates. I've been on dates and they were horrible you've never been on dates I've been on loads of dates

no one's ever took you on dates I've been on old school dates what do you mean like Italian Mexican restaurants and that oh right yeah yeah yeah maracas and that

birthday maracas in the Italian restaurant cinema cinema was the one wasn't it yeah cinema was the one but again don't know why I've done it loads of times

but do you want to go and sit in the dark for two hours not speak yeah definitely yeah yeah great did you have a good time

don't know did we get on don't know I didn't really speak to you you sit in the dark for two hours, not speak. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, yeah. Great. Did you have a good time? Don't know. Did we get on? Don't know. I didn't really speak to you. You hugged the fucking popcorn. Yeah. Held hands. That was nice.

So he had no plan. He had no plan of where to go. They just met in the shopping centre and he stood there. Yeah. They're walking around making small talk. We passed a stall for a well-known radio station who were running a competition. Oh, God. He unenthusiastically suggested we join in.

Oh, Christ. Do you want to have a go? Yeah. The aim of the game was to guess the song to win the vouchers for shops around the shopping centre. Oh, man. I'll be fucked if I manage to get a word in edgeways because this man suddenly came alive.

Firing out answers round after round until jackpot. He won big. Wow. £50 of Nando's vouchers. Whoa, that's a lot of Nando's. Sure enough, he suggested we go to Nando's and I thought to myself, free food, why not? I'll tell you why not.

As most people know at Nando's, you pay for your food before you eat it. I know exactly what you're about to tell me here. When we were seated, I told him my order and he said, are you not coming up to order your own? I replied, well, I thought seeing as you have the vouchers, we could just order together. This man looked me dead in the face and said,

well, I was actually planning on saving the rest of the vouchers for another time so you could pay for your own food. He's just got them for free. What a tosser. She was with him when he got them. He might as well have turned and went, well, I didn't hear you answer any of the questions, right? I think you'll find I got all those answers.

You got one wrong. Boyzone, it wasn't Boyzone, it was Westlife. Oh, my God. Well, hang on. I stared at him. He stared at me. I stared at him. He stared at me.

I was waiting for him to laugh, but that moment never came. Instead, I replied, oh, I'm okay then. Oh, man alive. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Shut the fuck up. He ate with her not... Yes. oblivious i then proceeded to sit there for 40 minutes with no food watching this man chow down a butterfly chicken with three sides he ate with her not yes wow safe to say when he came back to spend the remaining 30 pound of the vouchers i was not there wow please keep me anonymous just cause love that oh my god wow that is grim that is really there's horrible there's some horrible people out there isn't it look you know what i don't even think it's horrible i think it's just no i think that's

a bit selfish do you not think i mean i couldn't sit there and eat i would just go look if you're like why is it go i'll go look if we might as well go if you're not getting anything if my idea here is i want you to pay for yours and you're not having any my vouchers i'm not going to sit and eat while you're just sitting there. So let's just go. Like, you could go to something cheap. Let's go to McDonald's or something or Gregg's or something

or let's just call it a day. I'm not, you know, napkin. In my head, he's got his napkin down his t-shirt and he's got a knife

and fork in each hand and he's going to town on all of this stuff. He's getting up for his refillable drink. Why do these people go on dates in the first place?

They clearly don't want to share their life with someone. Why do they go? No, if you're that person and you're not willing to share vouchers, like you've just won on a competition, that could be the beginning of something. You go, oh my gosh, let's go and celebrate and let's share this. Why go and meet someone in the first place?

Because you clearly don't want to be with somebody. Yeah, it's not money, is it? It's vouchers that he just got for free. Run when it's vouchers he just got like i can get i can get it with money and i do you know it's a big debate of like you know should you just pay for everything on a date or you know is that it's that or should it be split down the middle and that's i think that's just to everyone's preference and that's fine but yeah nah like not a voucher you just got for note. Yeah. And he got the meal and she just sat there. Awful. Oh, that's amazing.

That's amazing. Do you want a chip? Yeah, go on then. That'll be 10 pence. I'm actually really hungry. Don't you dare dip that in my peronese. Oh, that's 50 pence. Hi, guys.

A new ick unlocked, which I never knew existed. Oh, that's 50 pence. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. Hi, guys. A new ick unlocked, which I never knew existed. Oh, man. My girlfriend and I have recently joined our local gym, and each time we go swimming, I immediately get the ick when we swim past each other doing breaststroke in our swimming lane. It is the most awkward passing as we look each other dead in the eye

and we just give each other a weird smile when we do each length. It feels rude to just look the other way. It makes my stomach turn and I have had to start going without her. Oh, I swim directly behind her so I don't have to look at her. E. E is the man about the woman. Fantastic.

Or the woman about the woman. It might be two. I don't know. It's woman about a woman. Brilliant. Yeah. Brilliant. Well, you won't speak to me on a treadmill, will you?

When I'm on a treadmill and Nick's got a hotel? No. You won't have it. What? I'll tell you what. You could talk to me every day of your life, forever, and you could just constantly talk to me. No, it's not that.

No. No, no. Mate. No, no. The problem with you is, right, when you want to talk to me, I have to talk to you. When I want to talk to you, I'm not talk to you I'm not allowed to talk to you it's all on your terms

the talking I was sitting watching the telly in bed last night you came in started banging on about something but for me if I wanted to go sorry I want to watch this

and just chill I can't be bothered to talk you'd be like oh great it'll be a whole big thing but when you tell me you don't want to talk I just have to go

you did exactly that you did exactly that did I kick off no I didn't I took it a while I had to listen to some bullshit about something first for a bit.

I had to get me words out. Yeah, great. You know we've got a word count. Women have got a word count that we have to get out by the end of the day. Just give them a fucking pillow then, eh? Oh, fuck you.

These icks are starting to stress me out. The more icks I keep hearing. I was, because I was away at the weekend with the lads, lads, lads, lads. I've got something, I don't know what it is,

but if I have a long session on drinking alcohol, I think after I get to a point of tipsiness and after every drink, I think I wipe my mouth and the next day my lips are killing us. So I went and bought a lip, like a lip balm. And I bought it and I bought it in boots at King's Cross Station and I walked out of King's Cross Station. And I went to put it on, and there was a group of ladies walking towards us,

and they sort of glanced as if to go, they possibly, possibly recognized us. And in my head, I was like, if they recognize us, they might listen to the podcast, and if they listen to the podcast, they know that the ick is a guy putting, so they will not be able to get around it.

Can I just tell you, right, as a female, right, it's not the fact that you're putting lip balm on. You should put lip balm on. It's the way we do it. Well, this is because I've made you start wearing moisturising cream because I'm like, you've got skin. You should be moisturising it. You should be putting lip balm on your lips.

It's the way you put it on because you've clearly never put anything on your lips before. And honestly, oh God, it's disgusting. I can't bear it. And then you just put it all over your lips. It's like, smear it on your skin above. I don't do that. I do not do that. And then you just put it all over your lips. Like, smear it on your skin above. I don't do that. I do not do that.

And it doesn't need to be there. That's my worst nightmare doing that. I don't do that. Vile. Guys. Guys. Just put it on your lips. In private.

So no one can see. All right? Then you'll be fine. Honestly, I was dead. Honestly, it was like being back at school. I was dead self-conscious. And I was like, if I do this in front of them and they do listen to the podcast,

that's going to be their year made if he's doing the thing from the... Or is that what he does? He's just walking around fucking the busiest parts of London doing stuff from his podcast, like a catchphrase machine. It's better than what I seen the other day. Where was I? I was with Rafe. I was in a cafe or something and some bloke was leaving

and he was in, I think he worked for Royal Mail. This is absolutely, he's not doing anything bad. He's just full on picking his nose as he was leaving. And you know when you're like, Jesus. In your own house.

Just like, couldn't have been more of, I just thought, pick your nose, who cares, but do you have to do it as you're leaving? He obviously doesn't know the trick either. It's upsetting. One finger, straight up your nose, who cares? But do you have to do it as you're leaving? He obviously doesn't know the trick either.

It's upsetting. One finger straight up the nose, picking. Other hand over nose and finger. Covers it over like that. No one knows what you're doing. Of course you do. No, look. So my hand's over there covering the nose.

I can see your finger going into your nose. Of course you can, I'm joking. Are you kidding me? Jesus Christ. Did you never do that at school did you never put the hand over and think no one will know what I'm doing here no

oh I did stupid I was so aware at school I'm not as aware now even that day you shot yourself how aware were you that day that's when it started I was young that

I was young that I was very young no like I don't think I would have ever picked my nose in that at school. Nah. I once went to meet some lads I knew in Manchester that were coming to one of my gigs.

And I knew them through a friend of a friend. And they turned up in their car and they were hysterical. Like, four of them in this car. They rolled out of the car hysterical, like they couldn't breathe. And they tried to explain it back to us. And I didn't really find it as funny

as they did but later i put myself in their position and i thought yeah that would have killed me so they said they were sitting in the car traffic and they looked and they were like are they such and such from our school and the person was walking along and this is years after school it's just someone from the school and the person was walking along just hucking their nose just like knuckle deep in their nose and they said they were sitting in traffic and they were all just in silence staring at this lad picking his nose

and one of them just went eat it and the lad immediately ate it so the lad and they were they were like

inconsolable like they were like tears rolling down their face they were dying when they came to meet us and like I say they were so but I thought yeah

yeah that's got to be but sometimes you're in your own little world and you don't realise I know it's not in the middle of the street oh Jesus Christ it is what it is

it is what it is it is thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Maridonoid which is part of the Acast Creator Network yes thank you very much and as always if you want to send anything in it's shagmaridonoid at gmail.com

and we'll be back in E years next week see you later thanks bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by rishi kesh her way the visionary behind the groundbreaking song exploder podcast and netflix series this unmissable evening features her way and toronto symphony orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca.

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