Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 256. The Greatest Showman

Episode Date: February 16, 2024

On this week's podcast The Ramey's discuss a power cut, valentine's day plus Chris has one of his quizzes for Rosie. The beefs involve broken furniture and slippers and QFTP's cover all manner of things including some very unsavoury behaviour on a ship. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag, Mind and Oid. With me, Rosie Ramsey. My husband, Christopher Ramseysey and lovers in the air. Dee, dee, dee, dee. Everywhere I look around.

Dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee. Why? It's Valentine's Day. Of course, of course. Oh, gee, wow. Of course, it's Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. That's why I've got my knob out.

I quickly put my knob away. Of course, it's Valentine's Day. I've had my knob out all day because it's Valentine's Day. You've got to get your knob out on Valentine's Day that is disgusting why have you got to be gross

the human body the human body's disgusting isn't it why have you got to be awful getting your knob out on Valentine's Day I didn't actually

have my knob out he did Cupid's got his knob out firing arrows at everyone left right and centre hey listen we don't

really celebrate Valentine's Day but if you do happy Valentine's Day it is the Friday after we're recording this on actual Valentine's Day, but if you do, happy Valentine's Day. It is the Friday after. We're recording this on actual Valentine's Day, 14th of February. Hope you had a lovely one, whatever you were up to,

whether you went to the local Italians and shared some spaghetti like the lady and the tramp. Oh, yeah. We had a lovely time. Oh, they're kissing. Oh, that's a good one, isn't it? Sketty, sketchy, sketchy, snogging. I don't think we've ever celebrated Valentine's Day. We're a. Oh, that's a good one, isn't it? Yeah. Sketty, sketchy, sketchy. Snogging.

I don't think we've ever celebrated Valentine's Day. We're a bit shy about that. It's never been a thing for me. It might change soon, though. I'll tell you why. Why? You'll find out soon. Oh, your new lass?

You'll find out soon. Does she love Valentine's Day? Why is it going to change shortly? It might change shortly. You'll find out soon. That makes... Tell us. Okay, well, I'll have to barge straight ahead

and do this week's sponsor then right go on then okay it's episode 256 if you did have a good Valentine's Day like Rosie said happy days

maybe you hey maybe you stayed in and got yourself a certain little meal deal from a certain little supermarket

oh well hey listen which which Valentine's Day or not fuck me it was good it was really

good bargain as well really good now listen wait Rose I'll see it oh oh sell out mate day or not fuck me it was good it was really good bargain as well really good it was weight rows I'll say it oh sell out

mate posh yeah now this is this is look this is this is where the money's made this is the real sponsor

big big one this week big big sponsor it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor this week's sponsor is a brand new government initiative it's the new government's legislation surrounding Valentine's Day.

I don't really know what legislation. Rules. Right. Rules. Thank you for that. Have you not seen the new government's rules on Valentine's Day? No. So from now on, every Valentine's Day, right,

you have to buy someone at least a beer from a card shop holding a heart. Oh, of course. Right? Yeah. And you have to at least, at least, bay from a card shop holding a heart. Oh, of course. Right? Yeah. And you have to at least, at least, starting from today, at least get wanked off

or fingered or you get fined by your local council. And that's... And that, that's, that's facts. That's, that, they're trying to get money back.

This is horrible. That's, no, you'll get, honest, don't worry, I phoned up and paid the fine this morning in advance oh yeah I have a name I thought Valentine's Day

was meant to be nice why are you naming me two worse things I saw the legislation I phoned up I went I'll just can't I just pay over the phone how much is the fine

five grand took a hit took the five grand hit I was like I'm not asking you for a wank today. It's not happening. We've got to do the podcast. No.

So yeah, took the hit. So you're welcome. Thanks. Totally unrelated note, I'm going to need two and a half grand off you. Honestly, you can have a wank. You can have a wank.

I'm not paying two and a half grand. Not a chance. No, honestly, happy Valentine's Day. Happy Valentine's Day. Even though it's a crock of shit, but have a lovely day. No, I think you should celebrate it throughout the year.

I think you should do nice things for each other all the time rather than just that one day. I believe we've spoke about it before. And I believe, to me, it always just smacks of like, I don't know, I just feel a bit like if I go past the local Italians tonight and there's just like loads of couples sitting there, I just feel like... Well, I was just saying, I think it's a young thing.

Yeah. I think when you're younger, Valentine's Day is exciting. Yeah. And it's saying, I think it's a young thing. Yeah. I think when you're younger, Valentine's Day is exciting. Yeah. And it's like, oh, it's Valentine's Day. And maybe you haven't been going out with someone as long.

Maybe you've, you know, you've just started going out with them and you know, their birthday's in October and then you've got Christmas and then your birthday's in January. Oh, but there's Valentine's Day. And to be fair,

it's, what's it today? Wednesday. You know, if the local Italians are getting a few quid on a Wednesday, what they normally have to wait for weekends. Well, exactly. Other restaurants from other countries are available as well. Yeah. Wednesday you know if the local Italians are getting a few quid on a Wednesday but they normally have to wait for weekends well exactly other restaurants from other countries

are available as well yeah but so there we go do you want to be having a Ruby Murray on Valentine's Day do you want to yeah but then

although actually what's the okay so curry farts or garlic breath if you both have garlic it doesn't matter you could go to the restaurant

that I went to the other week. Yeah. Mexican slash Italian. Oh it's got all the world. Yeah. He's got the whole world in his restaurant.

Did I ever tell you? I must have. I must have. In hindsight it sounds disgusting right but at the time it was absolutely lush. Okay.

I used to go to this restaurant in Leeds Right. that had it was like all around the world I can't even remember what it was called It was a buffet restaurant

Okay And it just had Yeah All the different foods from all over But honestly It was really nice A world buffet Yes

Yes It was in the It was in the nice part of Leeds Where it's like That's where it has the Christmas market No it sounds like it was in a lovely place Honestly

Yeah Back in the day How long ago was that? 15 year ago Yeah has the Christmas market. No, it sounds like it was a lovely place. Honestly, back in the day, how long ago was that? 15 year ago? Yeah. Maybe it's a bit more. Really nice.

Yeah. I really enjoyed going there. I was like, oh, okay. For me, I'll go to China. For me, I'll go to China. I hop over to India.

Aye. Yeah. And then what else? The old carbon footprint courses. Like fucking Taylor Swift. On my jet. Oh, and then what else was Italian? The old carbon footprint courses. Like fucking Taylor Swift. On my jet. Oh, don't, man. I tell you what,

I do remember those things. Once, where was me, I was doing a gig somewhere, I can't remember where it was, and I had me Nando's black card at the time. And I was fuming that this, oh God, I was fuming that this place didn't have a Nando's,

that ended up going to like Jack's World Buffet or whatever it was called it was one of them where you get up and you know no this was much

nicer than that you're making it sound awful it was lovely oh my god no you're remembering it wrong it was fucking shit

yes I'm telling you now it was fucking shit Jack of all trades master of none I am not fucking trusting somewhere where your chef can knock up

burger curry chow mein pizza fucking Yorkorkshire pudding it was a michelin star i said bollocks michelin star it was triple rose call us a snob you know what i'm like now but everyone listening you know what i'm like by now but you know the world buffet it is jack of all trades mastering on but i i can't remember where it was but i was doing car was supporters and we went to this like no no, Carl wasn't supporting us actually. This night, Tom Deacon was supporting us, a friend of mine, a comedian.

He attended our wedding, you know Tom. I do. That's why I said yes. Well, you know, I was just- Tell them all his shoe size. I think he does like, what is his shoe size? Oh, God. I'll get my ring.

No. We went to this World Buffet place and I went on stage and I slagged it off for ages and like one guy was like looking weird at us. And I was like, what's wrong? He was like, you know, there's a Nando's next door to that. And I checked afterwards and the Nando's was set back. Oh, you moron. So if you looked at it from one angle,

you could just see this. And I went in the World Buffet and the Nando's was literally next door. Yes, but the World Buffet might not have Portuguese. I think they probably did. I imagine they did. So you didn't enjoy your time at the World Buffet? No, I've done World Buffet a couple of times. Not yeah not a fan i'm sure big looks at the metro center was a

big was a world buffet thing was it yeah oh i used to quite like world buff and we used to like big looks and tay bonds bring back tay bonds nothing you like the aspect of just being able to go up again and again and again i think i think well i can just you know now that i can eat anything next to anything so i could happily have a chicken tikka masala with chips and gravy. Yeah. That does not upset me at all. No. I can mix them together.

You could have a Sunday dinner with a curry on the side, couldn't you? Yeah, that's what I used to get a tape on. Brilliant. Finally put on Sunday dinner with a fish cake. Can you put a fish cake in my Yorkshire pudding, please? Thank you. And some sausage and beans. Honestly, bring them back.

I loved it. Then again, you know, I am a massive hypocrite because back in the day, I was so, so partial to pizza with curry on top. Well, there you go. Good God. That is nice. Good God.

We're overdue a takeaway, you know. We are overdue a takeaway. I feel like we need a takeaway. We've been cooking in a lot. Let's fuck this off. Let's go and get a takeaway. It's 20 past 11 in the morning it's Valentine's Day

it is we should be doing a plum cast I've got to drive god damn these kids making me not get pissed in the mid morning on Valentine's Day

fuck this listen look if you want a quick finger wank I can fall up and get a refund on that five grand oh my god that could be very worse.

We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingle! Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married and Annoyed. You know, obviously it is Valentine's Day today.

Sorry to keep banging on about it, but I really do, I love Galentine's Day. I think that's quite cute. What is Galentine's Day? Just like, just sod whoever, your man or whatever, or woman. Just go out with your mates. Galentine's. Happy Galentine's Day. Okay.

I didn't know that was a thing. Friends are special. Okay. So who's doing this and when are you doing it? Are you doing this? I don't know about this. Not today. Didn't think forward.

I'm not doing anything today. I am out on Saturday, though, which I'm looking forward to. And you are out on Friday because do you know folks listening at home I can't have a night out without Chris having a night out at the same time so every time I say

are you in on Saturday because I think I'm going to go out with the girls he then he goes yes I am and then

20 minutes later sometimes even shorter he goes I'm going to go out with the lads on Friday which is fine but why have you got a copy of us?

Get your own social life. Two things. One, it wasn't me. Jordan spoke to me and said, do you want to go out this week? Is that because I'm going out with Jordan's partner? The words that Jordan may have uttered were something along the lines of,

if the lasses are going out, we need to get a night as well. But you don't. I don't understand. I didn't. He did, and I agreed. No, but you're all the same. if the lasses are going out, we need to get a night out as well. But you don't. I don't understand. I didn't. He did and I agreed. No, but you're all the same. So that's what you normally do though. So why can't I just have a night out without you having to have a night out? Why does me having a night out affect you having a night out?

It doesn't. But you know when you say to me I'm going out, I don't then go girls, assemble like on the phone. WhatsApp the lot. Heapp the lot he's out I'm out that's because you've normally already got a few booted in

absolutely swivel mate swivel no it's em you know it's ladentines day ladentines day so we're going out

we're going out for a quick spa go for a spa I would love a spa day cuddle're going out for a quick spa. Going for a spa. I would love a spa day. Cuddle. I'm well overdue a spa day, actually. You always say this.

You always say this, but you can't fucking sit still. You can't sit still on the day off in the house. You can't do it. I know. You wouldn't be able to sit still in a spa anymore. You'd be on your phone doing stuff. Oh, God. Why? Yeah.

What happens, man? I genuinely can't enjoy a day off. No. I used to be able to sit and do fuck all. I walked five miles yesterday. Yeah. Why? Yeah, you didn't need to off. No. I used to be able to sit. I walked five miles yesterday. Yeah. Why? Yeah, you didn't need to walk. No, I did not, but, you know.

You did it though. Well done. I did it. Good exercise. Oh, because me mum. Yeah. Me mum. Sandra.

We've talked before about how she just won't have that treadmills or indoor bikes do anything, will she? No, no. She thinks that fresh air, sort of, she thinks you could walk two miles outside or you could run 10 miles on the treadmill and the two mile outside walk would be better than the 10 mile run because of the fresh air yeah i think so she thinks it's some kind of like combustion engine in which fixes you the air makes it pretty good you know i walked down the main road breathing in everyone's car fumes yeah yeah cracking that like get your lungs full. She's fucking mad. She's mad.

So we had an event for a little couple of days, didn't we? Power cuts. Oh, yeah. We've had power cuts. We have had power cuts. Sunday morning, power cut for a couple of hours. Back to the dark ages. And then they did it Monday as well.

It wasn't Monday, it was yesterday, Tuesday. It was yesterday, Tuesday. You coped not very well so so so I woke up Sunday

this is it right I woke up Sunday all the power was off sorry I don't sorry I did not mean to put it in I just know that a lot of people you're actually very similar to a lot of people

who listen to this podcast so I think a lot of people agree with me but a lot of people agree with you carry on I think we cover the different ranges of emotions and how people deal with me but a lot of people agree with you um carry on we cover the uh different

ranges of emotions and how people deal with its situations i think we cover most bases between we're i think we're not similar at all in certain ways we're not similar in the slightest no um so our basic so here we go we walk up right uh i'm obviously um we're in separate bedrooms because you know because um the love is gone um you know because Loveless married The lover's gone You know the government are trying their best with this legislation to get it back in but I can't say

legislation today No the children sleep better when we're apart and you know what it is it's all about the sleep They all want to be with one of us

We actually put the kids sorry just I don't want you to go off the subject properly we will go back to it I promise Power code

remember that Shall I write it down No no I'll remember it You won't What do you think I am D. I'll remember it. You won't. What do you think I am? Dory. I'll remember it.

Right, okay. Good for you. Show off. We tried putting the lads in a room together, which was great. And we spent, you know, we went to bed. But then I was very aware that you just, you know, other than if you do get sexy, but we didn't get sexy at this precise time, you just go to sleep. Yeah.

You just roll over and go to sleep. So I really don't see anything wrong with what we're doing right now. I quite like waking up at night and knowing exactly where they are. I know you've got one of them, I know I've got one of them, and I know they're fine. Yeah. If I wake up and it's just me and you, what are they doing?

What's happened? Has one of them rolled on the other one? Where are they? Has he gone downstairs? I mean, no, no. Okay, right, okay. Didn't want to didn't want to have a fight

with you today but yeah the night that we put them in the bed you just fell straight asleep without actually saying goodnight to me or anything

just fast asleep and the monitor which I'd put on them because Rafe's still only little and I was you know wanting to keep an eye on him you didn't had nothing to do with that

so you just went straight to sleep without saying no but you didn't say who's going to look after the monitor who's going to keep the monitor on the

other side of the bed it was just assumed just assumed that it was me so that's love that about being me love that love that part of parenthood

I thought I would do the following night you can fuck off would you shit honestly I would just to be your man for a day

just to be your man just to do you know what I like no no no I could not for a day, just to be a man, just to... Do you know what I'm like? No, no, no, no, no. I could not have just gone to sleep without saying or discussing the night. The difference is you could, so I would love to be a woman.

I would love to be a woman because I would love to have the fucking gall on myself to have a go at someone for falling asleep. To probably go, right, right, you. Gloves up, you fell asleep, you fucking bastard. I fell asleep. Chris, it's not that. It's not.

I'm not having a go at you for falling asleep. You meant to fall asleep. I'm just having a go at the fact that you can just go to sleep and shut your eyes without any sort of, what's the word? Any sort of responsibility for the kids. Whereas I. The monitor was on the floor. No, it can't, like...

You just didn't even discuss what would happen? Because I fell asleep. Fell. The word is fell. I fell asleep. I could not tell you the last time that I've just fell asleep without any sort of... If me kids weren't...

I've never... Chris, in eight years, I have never just fell asleep without having to set an alarm or check that the kids are okay or make sure that the monitor was on the right volume or plugged in. Like, Chris, I have never, never done that. It was plugged in. It was plugged in.

It was on the right volume. It was just a little bit far away from the bed. Right? I fell. I fell. That's fine. I'm just, can you not agree? Can you not agree? in it was on the right volume it was just a little bit far away from the bed right i fell i fell i fell asleep can you not agree can you not agree i can agree sort of but like that's the thing you're always going about i wish i was a man i wish i was a man i wish i was a woman so i could just fucking start pick a fight with some poor cunt for falling a kip wow okay crazy right on you the neck on you just fall asleep without any sort of like, right, they're in the bed.

What she would do if, right, you have them on then. What she would do if Rafe falls out of bed. Like, I had to put the pillows at the side of the bed to make sure he didn't fall and crack his head open. Must just, all I'm saying is, it just must be nice. That's all I'm saying. All right. But you know, you deal with that stuff. So, he isn't that.

I'm not trying to I'm not I don't want to turn it into a gender thing a man and woman this is me backing down I'm rolling over I'm showing you my belly

right stop Mrs Crazy Pants right I'm sorry I fell asleep shame on me shit look

I will go to the doctor's tomorrow and I will get these eyelids whipped off right so it will never happen again right

that would really appreciate it you would as well wouldn't you no just how are you man how are you alright alright alright

it's just it's a burden that we carry it's just it's just life innit but you know again told you a million times you cannot be

you cannot be the control freak and the martyr at the same time you can't be both what do time. You can't be both. What do you mean?

You can't be both. You would have had to know that the things were there. You would have to know but you want to be in control of everything and then you kick off about being in control

of everything. It's your thing. I don't want to be in control of everything. I just feel like I have to be. Well, you don't. That'd have been fine. He's not going to roll out.

He's not on a fucking Princess of the Peace 600 mattresses. He's not going to crack his head open. Right. You sleep through everything. I. You sleep through everything. I don't sleep through everything. Oh, Michael McIntyre's midnight game show.

They were in our bedroom. He is a professional burglar by this stage. No, no. The other night, you know, the other night, I'd been at rehearsals, and it was like 10 o'clock, you were fast asleep. I was like in the room, in the room, like, Chris, chris you are

flat out you can't be trusted the thing is though now i fight in close quarters now so you in the side of the room doesn't bother us at all you're getting me personal space you're losing your arms are getting locked up or you're losing your consciousness it's as simple as that other side of the room not my problem anyway this turned into something that i don't want this is just us arguing now these podcasts but the thing is i like to think that someone now is listening. I like to think that there's someone listening. It could be mine, it could be whatever. You're listening going, I agree with her, I agree with him.

Yeah, I have to be the one doing all that. You fall asleep all the time, Terry. So, you know, there is that. We're arguing, but we're fighting cases for people listening here. Fair enough. So there we go. Now listen. Just don't, it really fucks us off

that you just fall asleep without like, that you can't just control. It doesn't happen very often. No, it happens all the time. You can't just control yourself enough to go, all right,

are you going to, I'll, yeah, okay, night. Yeah, but then once I've had that conversation, I might not get to sleep. Once I've had that conversation, I might not get to sleep.

I can't sleep. I hate that. I hate it. I'm going to hate it. Okay. And then, or you'll close your eyes for 30 seconds

and I'll go, did you put, and you'll go, I was asleep. I was fast asleep. It's been 10, it's been literally 10 to 30 seconds.

Just opening my podcast notes here. Just going to add in here. What? I don't. I don't. add in here what keep track of when Rosie falls asleep I don't I don't

you will there we go no game on no game on I do not game on it's not something I do game on

honestly self control wait I'm gonna go on Amazon I'm gonna order a fucking creative monster energy I'm not sleeping again me I'm gonna win this battle oh

you lose oh anyway I'll be awake forever and my farts will be fucking ringing out of monster energy. I'm not sleeping again, me. I'm going to win this battle. Oh, anyway. I'll be awake forever and my farts will be fucking ringing out. Oh, God. We digress loads. Basically, we had a power cut. It really set Chris off on a bad day. So, yeah.

I'm not great with weekends anyway. I don't like just being at a loose end with the kids the entire weekend. It reminds us of the lockdown. It upsets us. So I got up and Robin, the lights wouldn't go on. And I was like,

right, what's going on here? Then I went to see you and you was like, oh God, and everything was off and it was still dark. Right. And I went downstairs and I'm like, when,

okay, when there's a power cut and everything is off in the house, where's the first, this is the difference in us. This is where, this is why, this is what I was trying to get at. When there's a power cut and everything's off in the house and you wake up and everything's off, where's the first this is the difference in us this is where this is why this is what I was trying to get at when there's a power cut

and everything's off in the house and you wake up and everything's off where's the first thing your brain goes to erm realistically check the fuse box

why what's happened what's the cause of this something's tripped right so my cause there's two main causes that mine goes to

ok erm normally it's like a movie someone's had a big pair of clippers and they've cut the thing and they're about to storm in the house. Right. That was the first one.

Not at that time in the morning. They wouldn't. Burglary. Good time to do. Good time to do it. No. Terrible time to do it. Okay.

So you're thinking that it's a bad time to do it and they wouldn't do it at that time. Burglary is usually happen when people are fast asleep between like one and four in the morning. Okay. But so you're saying the time that we had, which was 6 o'clock in the morning, you're saying that's a bad time and it wouldn't happen then? I think so, yeah. Perfect time to do it then?

Why? Because you think it's a bad time and it wouldn't happen then? Right, okay. I don't think burglars are that clever. I don't think you should say that on here. Why? I think someone might come and try and prove you wrong. Leave a note where your telling used to be. Okay, so that's your...

Who's clever now? So that's your catastroph clever now so that's your catastrophizing brain now that I've said so now so there's the first thing my brain went into so there's the first

two things my brain went into the first one was they've cut it like a SWAT team they've cut the power and they're coming in second one was Russia why Russia

bomb there's been a bomb and all the power's gone off and we don't know so this is where your brain goes to before it's tripped before check the fuses

in the garage that's where my brain goes immediately it it's tripped? Before check the fuses in the garage, that's where my brain goes immediately. What? It goes to the worst possible one. The worst possible one immediately and then

I won't be away back from there. This is why it's so exhausting being me. This is why I comp. This is why I don't put weight on. This is why I can

eat what I want. Oh my good God. Mine goes to oh something's happened in the street or the fuse is gone or you know an electrical fault.

Yeah no no mine goes to terror attack or more localised criminal zombie attack no it's not possible I watched a video once

Neil deGrasse Tyson or whatever he's called saying zombies is literally impossible it's not a thing that could ever happen so I'm trying to go downstairs

to check and Rafe's screaming saying he wants to come downstairs with us now I'm not going to be able to fight off a burglar or do anything while I'm holding a child so I need him to stay upstairs you're horizontal still going let him

let him come with you let him come call him come but i don't want to say out loud that i think there's 25 men downstairs but i think there's 25 men downstairs do you know what i mean so i can't say that out loud well both of our children there because i don't want them to grow up like me so i'm going keeping this so that's. And we'll go down and we'll realise it's all the lights are out in the street. The whole street's off. So I calm down slightly.

Then I ring Northern Power Grid and fucking surprise, surprise. Oh, you're the first person to report it, Mr. Ramsey. Of course I'm the first person to report it because I'm a really stupid fucking wanker

up at six o'clock on a Sunday morning because me kids are basically nocturnal. That was so depressing. And then what? She said you have to wait for three people

to report it before they can do anything. You've got to wait for three people to report it. So we had to just sit with candles on. With candles on. And the kids,

we put the kids on their iPads which we never do first thing in the morning and that was horrible because most of the stuff they wanted to go on wouldn't work because you need Wi-Fi. Dad can go on Netflix can go on netflix well first race trying to turn the

telly on won't turn on me it's turned off right ipad i can go on netflix can't make it needs the wi-fi i'm going amazon you can't make it needs a wi-fi now tv don't know how many times i have to tell you this fucking wi-fi's off idiot oh god oh it was horrible well no but honestly but okay right and our children I'm telling you okay but it's not

pleasurable but you held onto that I couldn't let it go the whole day I couldn't let it go and then you're like so when I was little my mum told us

that I used to kick if I couldn't get my own way right and she said I was pretty placid but if I couldn't get my own way I would kick off

all day like this party I wanted to go to my mum said I hung around that all day please please can i go please you know once the time came if the party started i was just like right fair enough once the time came of you going to bed you were like oh yeah i've not been great okay i'm going to bed good night fell straight asleep and i was just sitting there rocking in the corner like i've had to deal with his horrible mood all bastard day i couldn't't shake the mood off.

But also what really annoyed us was Walking Dead and A Quiet Place was the main one I was thinking of. I was trying to go downstairs to check if there was any kind of danger and our kids were just fucking screaming. Just noise. Just noise for no reason.

They would last three fucking seconds. Well then we'd go pretty quick. And we wouldn't have to live through that shit. I don't want to be alive. You three would go. I'd be off. Well, good for you. Good for you that you want...

The one thing I took from Walking Dead, right? Watching all of them series. Loved it. The one thing I thought was, I wish I'd got... I'd want to be one of them fucking zombies. I would not want to live through that. Fair point.

Shit. Kill me. Shoot me at the beginning. Seriously. I don't... I'm not a survivor. Just let me know. What?

Yes. Oh my god. If I get stuck with you doing something like that and you... Imagine. No thank you. Honestly. Listen, shall we lighten the mood? Aye. I've got a little quiz for you, a little game. Oh, what? I came up with a game the other day. It will lighten the mood? I got a little quiz for you, a little game. Oh, what?

I came up with a game the other day. It will lighten the mood. Will it? You ready? Yes. Do some kind of made-up jingle. It's time for a very quick game of... That's Mario. You're doing the Mario theme.

It's time for a very quick game of things you can say at a swimming pool and an orgy. I've got three written down. I just need you to get one of them so things you can say is there a right answer and a wrong answer if you get one that i think's right i'll give you the point you can see at a swimming pool and an orgy all right well listen i've only been to one of them go swimming pools no okay right come on you ready yeah come on then what Goat swim pools. No. Okay. Right. Come on, you ready? Yeah.

Come on then. What do you think? Oh, I've got to tell you. Wouldn't be a quiz if I was just going to tell you the fucking answers. Oh, I thought I had to choose. I thought it was like an ABC. No, no. You've just got to come up with one.

Right, all right. Let me think. Oh, you've just really sprung this on us. It's okay. We're going to edit the time out if you want. We're going to edit the time out. Don't worry. Okay.

You join us. It's five hours later. I don't. I'm just trying to think oh here she comes there's a glint in her eye yeah yeah are you wet

yet nah you're soaking you're soaking you could say that you're soaking it's quite good alright you're soaking

okay sort of it's implied god that's horrible I'm so sorry the whispering was unnecessary I could say that. That's quite good. All right, you're soaking. Okay, sort of. It's implied. God, that's horrible. I'm so sorry. The whispering was unnecessary. But then again, do that.

I tell you what, we're supposed to be going swimming with Rafe this afternoon. No, I'm not. Do us a favour, just go up to someone in the swimming pool and go, you're soaking. See what happens.

You could say that at an orgy and at swimming. So I've definitely got a point there. Half a point. Absolutely, I'm sorry. You're in the middle of a threesome. Who's telling people? You're soaking.

Who's telling people that they're soaking at the swimming pool? Who's telling people that? You didn't say what are most common phrases at the swimming pool and in orgy.

You said, what can you say at a swimming pool and in orgy? You're soaking. Right. Okay. Well, fine.

Half a point. What about another one? Right. Come on. Jump in. Okay. Jump in. Jump in. There, fine. Half a point. What about another one? Right. Come on. Jump in. Okay. Jump in. Jump in.

All right. I'll give you a point for that. Thank you very much. Very good. Well done. Thank you for playing. Thank you for playing. You've not got any.

Yeah. The answers we were looking for were, the first thing you could have said that had an orgy and it's been pooled was, where do I put me shoes? Oh. I do hope they take the shoes off at orgies. That would be upsetting, imagine. Next one we're looking for was

close your eyes for the big splash. A little bit of fun for the dads there. Awful. Awful. Horrible. A little bit of local radio. Horrible. The final one we're looking for.

Do men enjoy that on a porn? The cum shot. And the gurgling of the semen. Because honestly, it turns my stomach. I can't imagine it being. It absolutely turns my stomach. I can't imagine it being anything. The clean up being anything but embarrassing in real life.

No, but as a man, right? Okay. Is that a sexy thing to witness? I don't know. Just be honest because men are going to be listening there's flinching

isn't there there's a lot of flinching involved what do you mean well it's like they're never up for it it's always like oh god

yeah but then they spit it out of the mouth and I'm like oh god oh Jesus Christ finish your dinner it's just

to me I mean to me that is repulsive but obviously that must be must be sexy must tickle someone's pickle not yours someone's pickle no not really something I've okay I you know hey listen

well I've just checked the gobook website actually and the legislation for the valentine's day it is covered under the legislation so is it great is that a thing that you just want to just keep amongst yourselves men not really actually do find that lush. I don't think... Again, the other... So, so... Yeah. To dive into sexuality here. Yeah. Confidence and someone being comfortable.

So if someone was well up for that, and they were like, yeah, I imagine that would be pretty cool. But... In real life... But spunking all over someone's face who's literally flinching and shutting their eyes and going, not in me eye.

I can't imagine that being anything but fun. No, okay. In real life, I can understand it's quite sexual. I get, I'm not, you know, I'm not a complete prude. I get it, right? But when it's like regurgitating it out of the mouth and that. Yeah, no, no, that's mangy. That's absolutely mangy.

I always, Rosie, you know me, I always think of the clean up. I always think, what's happening on that carpet? I can smell it. What's happening on that carpet? Yeah, gross. Listen, are you ready for the final one we're looking for? Things you can say at the swimming pool and at Norgie. Whose Veruca sock is this?

I think mine were better. Jump in. They were much better than whose Veruca sock. Your sock one was weird. All right, okay. Whose plas does this? Oh, God. I don't know if I enjoyed that quiz.

You weren't really supposed to. It was just dead quick. Okay. Listen, well done. F weren't really supposed to. It was just dead quick. Okay. Listen, well done. Filled a bit of time. No, great. It's always good to be a bit more inventive. Oh, yeah, it's good.

It's particularly good when you shit all over them. No, I'm not shitting on it, I promise you. No, no, no, no, no. Let's do it. Honestly. Right, okay. There's another one. There's another one.

Don't shit all over. Pool orgy. Bang. Yeah. Done. Should be a sign on the wall. I think you should do this every week but with different places I'd be up for that

okay like what can you say at the gym and the zoo right yeah okay yeah

oh you big fat pig again again again I don't know what's weirder you seeing big fat pig

at the gym or you shouting big fat pig to a pig at the zoo who knows how shit's the zoo with its pigs

I know I did I should have said hippo or something shouldn't I yeah yeah I don't mean to be yeah bit harsh

bit harsh well there we go look tune in next week to see if I could be asked to do another one okay you're invited to an immersive

listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all you know, no, don't.

The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. It's time for

What's Your Beef? Okie dokie. Now, I've been nothing but a delight this week week so I can't imagine you've got any god alright I'll rephrase that I've been a nightmare this week

so I can't imagine you've got any beef that you are allowed to broadcast on the podcast without this becoming a real argument ok we've talked about it

we're fine in real life we've sorted it out we've sorted the differences Chris is going back to counselling so we're all good it's fine

jiu jitsu's better my beef with you and our children alright so it's kind of a so Chris does this Chris is an amazing dad right

you are a fantastic dad cut that there that'll do that's all you need to say and we've got a little system on

an evening I make dinner tea I make the tea and you put the kids in the bath and you've got this lush little thing that you stand at the door and you do a little I make dinner or tea. I make the tea. Yeah. And you put the kids in the bath. Yeah. And you've got this lush little thing that you stand at the door and you do a little

cough or Rave does a little cough. Someone does a cough. It's like, ahem, ahem, ahem. And then it's, what is it? Last one. Last one on Mammy's bed. Stinks of poo. Stinks of poo.

Great. And they all run upstairs and they jump around in our bedroom for a good solid 10 to 15 minutes. And it's dead canny. They're just boys and they do flips and it's mad, right? You fuckers have broke more of my lamps than I care to actually bring up on the podcast. Stop breaking me lamps. It's not always me. It's not always me. It's not always me. Hence

you fuckers. Kids included. Stop breaking me lumps. Like I swear to God. Them two that are there now. They're not cheap. They're running the mill. They're quite nice ones. The one on the right hand side is fully broke. It's absolutely not good Chris. It's basically balancing.

I know. Why do you keep doing it? I'll have a go at it with a super glue this afternoon. But yeah, it's... Right, move them out the way. Maybe a new thing now has to be, before you start, move me lamps out the way. But I like that ambient lighting for the backflips. Well, you're not going to have any ambient lighting

if you keep breaking the fuckers. Please, please, I'm begging you. I love that you do it. And it's such a, it's like a bonding thing. Like literally, I try to come upstairs sometimes and they're like, no, I'm begging you. I love that you do it. And it's such a, it's like a bonding thing. Like literally, I try to come upstairs sometimes and they're like, no, Manny! Which is upsetting at first,

but at the same time, I'm like, fuck you. I don't want to, I don't actually want to come. So I get to sit downstairs by myself. But please, just, it's collateral lamp damage, man. It's really bad. I'll have a word with the lads. I'll see what we can do. Stop chuckinging chucking pillows

at me lads to be fair last one on my mother's bed stinks of poo it's actually it gets them too riled up and they don't want to

go in the bath oh I know and Ray if sometimes it tires them out so much you go to put them in the bath and he's just screaming crying why don't you just

have a bath first and then do the play after because then there'll be no end point at least the bath's the end point no there would be

an end point I'm not going to get rid of them like cereal downstairs is the end point oh okay least the bath's the end point. No, there would be an end point. I'm not going to get rid of them. Like cereal downstairs is the end point. Okay, then. Bath first, then we'll go downstairs. I'll try that now. That's not too bad.

Okay. My beef with you this week is you have bought a new pair of slippers. Do you have them on? Which ones? My pink ones? You've got them on now. Yes, I adore these. Horrible.

What? They make me sad. They are the worst, most fucking scrotty looking slippers. You leave them everywhere. And I catch them and they're like piled up. They're these pink. They look like Mr. Blobby's feet if they were furry. Yeah.

Like furry. They look like you go too close to a full blast radiator and they're looking at Mr. Blobby's feet, if they were furry. Yeah. Like, furry... They look like you... They look like you go too close to a full blast radiator and they'll burst into flames. I mean, I got them... These are from Peacock's downtown. They're just chippy ones. No, no, no, no, I can tell.

No, I can tell. I can tell they're chippy ones. They're dead comfy. You leave them everywhere. You leave them all over the place. Like, they are... Just try and explain to people what they're like. They're like they're like

i imagine the kind of slippers that the moms were wearing when they went down to the school gates to push mcdonald's through when jamie oliver had changed the dinners i still can't believe that happened i still can't believe that happened why and when it happened they were all And when it happened, they were all wearing them fucking slippers. Oh, don't mind. They were all wearing them slippers and dressing gowns. Hang on. Right, okay, you hate me slippers.

That's fine. I don't really care. They're not going anywhere. Well, actually, they've got a hole in them already. I hate them. You leave them everywhere. I'm sick of them. They make a sound.

Okay, then they keep me feet nice and warm. Look at mine. Look at these. Look at these stylish bad boys. They're awful. Are you kidding me? They're fucking lush, man. They're not.

Look at them. They've got a solid sole. Are you kidding me? They're fucking lush, man. They're not. Look at them. They've got a solid soul. Where are they from? Just a supermarket, I think. I think I got them from Asda. Awful. Right, let's talk about... It's fucking great, wasn't it?

Did they help him eat? What happened? He changed it. He made a thing. He changed all the school dinners. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So why did they go down and give McDonald's well I think it was

like turkey Twizzlers and all that had like oh I got kebab at school it was horrendous yeah yeah yeah we did

it was the same and he was like right let's sort this out and he went and changed and he made all the dinners healthy and stuff and the kids didn't like it so yeah

whether it was a stunt or not but yeah mams were filmed well they were on the news I remember down at the school gates pushing burgers and fishing chips

and McDonald's through the fences for the kids what quality man these people down at the school gates pushing burgers and fishing chips and McDonald's through the fences for the kids what quality man these people are hilarious British public

at their best fuck him what nutrition piss off I mean listen I might not be at the school gates

giving me Ben McDonald's but it was pancake day yesterday and mine had them for breakfast and tea. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was because it was Pancake Day.

It wasn't Pancake Morning. It wasn't Pancake Evening. Pancake Day. Didn't get them at school, sadly. Actually, yeah, they should have done three meals. Pancakes all day. Square three meals. Honestly.

God. Losers. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. Public. As always, if you would like to get in touch send anything in at all

it is shagged married annoyed at gmail.com Thank you Hi Chris and Rosie long time listener first time emailer

Listen in episode 255 when you talk about kids going in uniform on mufti days at school Mufti day Aha Reminded me of a story

Mufti day is a southern thing isn't it for a non-uniform day okay couldn't we also say non-uniform could they say mufti it's a thing it's a massive mufti days we've talked about before years ago yeah years ago we're talking about it's a huge a lot of people in this country call it mufti day okay yeah because you know remember when we did it was it was a time ago. We were literally in our first house. It was when we first started the podcast and we were like, Muff, did you? Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. I apologise. It's like talking about backers. People call them craggies and that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chris, we're all the same, but we're all very different, you know.

We're all very different. Yeah, very good. Yeah. When my sister was at school, they had a Tudor day, where everyone was asked to dress up. Okay. The day would be spent talking about that historical period

and doing activities from that time. Correct. Teachers and students all dressed up in long gowns with headdresses or puffy trousers and jackets for the boys. Happy days. God, this made me laugh so much. Okay. For some unknown reason, when she got to school, so was her sister,

when she got to school, a boy in her class was dressed up as Austin Powers, complete with the false teeth. They can only have been about 10 years old, which makes it even more strange that he was Austin Powers. We still talk about it today and have a giggle. Why was he dressed... Why is he Austin Powers? Do you think, though, that their parents have gone,

well, it's a ruffled shirt? I like the cravatty kind of thing. Do you think they've thought that that's a Tudor costume, where actually it's Austin Powers? That's so good. But the teeth as well. I mean, they did have manky teeth back in the day, so I don't know.

Yeah. I just thought that was beautiful. I can't now, I cannot watch or look at or think of Austin Powers without thinking of when I was doing Strictly and we did Movie Week. And Emma Barton was paired with the wonderful Anton Dirk. Oh, yeah.

And he was Austin Powers. And he was Austin Powers. And he was Austin Powers. Yeah. And he was standing... Have you ever told this story? I don't think I've ever told it. But he was... I mean, it was on the telly.

It was on the telly. Yeah, and he was standing in front of the judges after he'd done his dance. And Craig was ripping him apart for the judges and said, I can't wait for you to get that costume off and take them horrible false teeth out. And he didn't have any false teeth in.

They were just his teeth he was fucking devastated he was he just honestly YouTube it it must be on YouTube I was up in the I was up in the balcony

a bit at the top I couldn't breathe I couldn't breathe for laughing he was like take them horrible teeth out darling he was like

what do you mean and he was like have you not got them in oh man live telly live telly Saturday night and those horrible false teeth are fucking minging

oh my god no they're his oh god oh love Antoine Dubec so funny he took it like a champ to be fair really good

good for him babadoo babadoo babadoo bah can you can you handle something really gross yeah can you come on man see me job see me job see what I do how are you this is horrendous I'm ready for it Can you... Can you handle something really gross? Yeah.

Can you? Come on, man. It's my job. It's my job. It's what I do. How are you? This is horrendous. I'm ready for it.

I'm warning you all. I'm warning you all, okay? Is it ringing? Yeah, it's rang. If you're eating, don't eat. Don't eat. Don't eat. You got your dukes up.

I got my dukes up. I got my fists up, ready to fight this horrible thought. Is that what it means? Yeah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Long time listener. First time emailer. Please keep me anonymous.

Many years back when I was in the Navy, I served with a guy nicknamed Dorby. Oh, God. Don't be fooled by the name as he was a very good engineer and really quite clever.

Great. However, he was gifted the nickname Dorby for a reason. Whenever he had a few beers in him, there was very little he wouldn't do. One of them.

Right. Just one of them blokes who would just... Why Dorby? I know you, Mia. Deny, just because... Just dare them to do anything. Well, again, it's like... It's one of my main fears for the kids.

Just doing something... Like, doing something fucking stupid. I've done stupid stuff, you know, back in the day. But, you know, just the ones who get a bit pissed and do... And it's always like, oh, blokes, you know, trying to jump across balconies on holiday or something terrible. terrifies the shit out of me because we are me and you are professional show-offs we are this is what this is this is come and listen to us we think we're funny as fuck that's what comedy is and i feel like our kids have got it in them to be you

know look at me look at me and oh one of my worst night and also like whenever you watch you being framed and stuff like that, it's always someone trying to do something funny or cool and fucking themselves up. Well, sadly that Robin is absolutely that. 100%.

Yeah. 100%. That's the one we've got to worry about. Rafe, I don't think Rafe's too bad, but Robin is that kid. Yeah, 100%.

Look at me, I'll eat this cockroach. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Right.

His bog standard entry level shenanigans while ashore was to go into a pub, order a pint, drink half, then go around all the tables and tip the ashtrays into the remaining pint and down it. That was his bog standard? That was his... That was his level entry level. That was Tuesday night?

Sorry, yeah. Oh, ashtray? I know. And drink the ash? Yeah. Oh, for fuck's sake. Why? No problem for how adobe it is.

Why is he called adorby? Is it going to be explained? No, not really. So he's clever. He's not stupid and he's clever, but they call him adorby because he does weird stunts. He just does stupid stuff. What would you have called him instead?

What other one are the dwarves? Fucking Evel Knievel. Or fucking anything but adorby. I don't know what Evel Knievel is. Sorry? Who is Evel Knievel? Are you serious? You don't know what what Evil Knievel is. Sorry? Who is Evil Knievel? Are you serious? You don't know what

Evil Knievel is? Honestly? I've said it loads in my life but it's one of them things where if I was on a quiz show and they went who is Evil Knievel?

I would look stupid because I don't know. Who is Evil Knievel? There was a person who used to he used to jump start he was a motorbike stunt guy. Dressed a bit like Elvis.

Right. There's a version of him in Toy Story. Yes. Oh, we might have talked about this, you know. We haven't. I did not know that you didn't know who Evil Knievel was. Okay, who's the other one then? Who was the skier?

The famous skier. Eddie the Eagle Edwards. Right. He was real. He was British. So Evil Knievel wasn't real? Yeah. He was real. He was British. So Evel Knievel wasn't real? Yeah. He was real.

What did he do again? Used to jump things on a motorbike. Right. So that's Evel Knievel. Yeah. Fuck, mate. You've done it again. No, man.

You've done it again. You question some things so much that you get me questioning my own reality. All right, okay. I'd just like to know. I just think, you know, I'm getting to a point in my life where I think, Rosie,

don't just pretend you know things. Actually, find out. You know what it is? Evil Kermit came up there a bit weird. Evil Kenevil, born October 17th, Minnesota, United States. Died 30th November 2007, 69 years old. Rest in peace. Robert Craig

Kenevil, known professionally as Evil Kenevil, was an American stunt performer and entertainer. Yeah, so he would jump. So anyone who was a bit of a devil, you call them Evil Knievel, was an American stunt performer and entertainer. Yeah, so he would jump. So anyone who was a bit of a devil, you call them Evil Knievel? Yeah. Really famous saying that, isn't it?

I mean, he's full on... That's mad. Yeah, he's full on welded into popular culture. Okay, great. Well, listen, I know now, and I'm glad. Look, if nothing came from this podcast, at least you now know who Evil Knievel is. And he dressed a bit like Elvis.

Yes. And that's on Toy Story 4. There's a guy who's a bit like you. Great. Great. Okay. Basically, don't call someone who does a load of stunts. I suppose Dobby does mean stupid.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just annoying. Anyway. Go on then. At sea, he had to improvise. Once it was so rough, half the ship's company was throwing up in the toilets on board and it was grim.

No, no, no. I'll tell you it was horrible. I'm not having it. Tiled floor, urinals and toilets overflowing because of blockage. Vomit sloshing back and forth about six inches deep. Oh no. Horrendous. A few of us were having a drinking session down in the mess deck, including Dobie.

I made my way to the toilets combat boots on so the vomit piss and turd soup wouldn't slosh over my feet this is awful by the way like i would just piss overboard i wouldn't be on the drink i wouldn't be on the drink i wouldn't be like oh it's really rough all the toilets are blocked you want to get pissed absolutely not i'm going to bed oh yeah just finished i timed it so the human fluid soup went one way and i jumped the other way out of the toilet door. God almighty. Dopey and another guy were on their way in for a piss

when the other sailor said to Dopey, I'll bet you a few free cans you won't take a gulp of that. Go and fuck off. Pointing to the liquid biohazard sloshing back and forth like the tide. Of course you all know what happened next and to this day the image is burned into my brain. Oh, no. Yes.

Dopey waited for the human slop to run to the back end of the toilets, leaped in, got on his hands and knees, Oh, my God. cheek to the tiles and mouth wide open, and waited. Whoosh. The spew, pee, and logs of half the ship's company

went straight into his mouth I could I could be sick here although I do have to say I thought they were going to say

he went and got a cup the fact that he waited for it to go to one end he got on the floor and put his cheek on the deck and opened it and waited he's a showman

I will give him that he's a god damn showman he's a fucking he's a fucking performer take dopey out of the way I would not call him that. I had a lot of words on my tongue. This is the greatest show. And there's poo and wee and the sick and piss.

Oh, this is the greatest show. Whoa. Ladies and gents, this is the moment you've waited for. Oh. The sea is rough and I've got my cheek on the floor. Oh, the sea is rough and I've got my cheek on the floor. Oh.

Piss in my mouth. Vom in my mouth. Is that shit or is it? A twix. Should have left it at mine. Just so you know, should have left it at mine. Oh, my. Yeah, sorry.

I did. I ruined it. Anyway, right. Okay. So he's got his hands in there. He's the dirty, dirty, dirty bastard. You could die doing stuff like this. Yeah, oh God.

He proudly stood up, turned around with his mouth still open to show us his catch and then... And then gulped it down. Swallowed it. He didn't even spit it out, he swallowed it. Get that man in jail.

He didn't bat an eyelid. Wouldn't get away with antics like that these days. Oh yeah, you get reported and kicked off the ship for that. I tell you what, I bet he never gets a cold. Holy shit. I bet he never gets a cold. Oh my God, I bet he's got ulcers all over. Nah, it'll be the opposite.

Really? People like that, man. His immune system will be like a fucking, like a fortress. And he will die he will outlive everyone listening to this podcast they always do

it's always the case my god what's oh you're 125 years old what's the secret to success oh well just whatever someone told us

to like drink some shit off the floor just drank it yeah happy days honestly there's gotta be some there's gotta be something some sort of fetish thing

they either die doing something stupid, young, or they outlive every fucker. It's always the case. Why would you do that though? What would make you do that? That's honestly,

the fact that it's like sloshing, oh my God. But do you think there is something, so something to be said about, you know how we go on stage and like, we. Oh yeah, that was his Wembley.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So we. We'll still talk about that. We can actually see what real adrenaline feels like like we know that feeling yeah and it is lush it's mint right i mean it's it's absolutely terrifying at the same time i don't know if i'm a huge lover of adrenaline but

you know it's ages it is yeah massively ages here yeah that's another thing yeah rosie how come you look loads older than your sister oh because I just get really fucking stressed for three hours and then I've got to come down in my frown lines anyway yeah maybe that

is Wembley that is his that was his O2 I don't know maybe it's his Edinburgh Playhouse wow

what what do you mean because he's just in the box there's only three people there. Oh, okay. So you think that's... It's not O2.

You think he's done better than that? I think when he goes round the pub and they're all there, that is O2. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's a big one. Right. Oh, God.

Palladium. Maybe this is his Palladium. If we stick at London-based, this is his Palladium, which is bloody wonderful. Prestigious venue. Well done, him. Absolutely, yeah.

Hi, Chris and Rosie. A recent episode when you're talking about the bloke at work that brought in porn sparked an old memory of an incident back in my much younger days fyi before you read on i'm not a pervert i know most perverts probably say that but i'm actually really vanilla i think you're a pervert great point literally i was just about to say that um the porn story and works really hit hit a hit a spark with a few it has hasn't it well i think because now right our children are never gonna have porn stories because porn is so accessible but back in the day it was like really yeah couldn't i mean as a i don't know i think it's different for lads and i'm not I really hate to be the gender thing but girls

I didn't watch porn or have any sort of porn until a lot later in life yeah it just didn't exist in my life like you know I think I found

my younger brother's porn before I even had any oh yeah I mean like that was a bad day by the way oh Jesus Christ where did you find it

oh in his room oh god I know sorry kev video magazine it was a cd rom it was a bit later on tell how old you are without telling my old well my poem was on cd rom cd rom because he had the computer in his room i don't think i've ever heard anyone i don't think i've ever said it i don't think i've ever heard anyone before I don't think I've ever heard anyone say a CD-ROM in a sense why? I've just done the way you've said why didn't you just say it was on a CD?

because it wasn't like a listening CD it was a PC CD now that's what I call the sound of porn a new CD would have meant computer

I was just like you know some people have like Wales song he just had like balls slapping off arses and people groaning like oh don't

it was horrible that was a really horrible sad time in my life. Hey, we'll find our kids one day. Well, no, we won't find our kids one day because it'll be on the phone. That's what I'm saying, yeah. Yeah. You know, but...

They'll have to come off the fucking Wi-Fi to get it because there'll be a blocker on this Wi-Fi. Yes. I'll tell you that right now. Yes, yes. Right. Rewind to the late 1980s. I'm really sorry.

I don't know if Kev knows that I've ever seen that porn. Well. Or that I found. I don't think I ever talked about it. You do now. No, he does. Eh? I told my mum.

Of course. You fucking grass. I told my mum. I did. You told your mum. I told my mum. Wow. My kid didn't live there.

Kate was older. I told mum. Yeah. And I don't even. I don't know if he got. Well, I don't think he got wrong because it was older. I told mum. Yeah. And I don't even, I don't know if he got, well, I don't think he got wrong because it was like.

It is what it is. You're a disgrace. I told my mum. You're a disgrace. And you know what's really more embarrassing? What? I was absolutely

of sexual age when I told my brother if I haven't born. Isn't that bad? That sounds like something you would do. Yeah. If you caught you

on the wrong day, it sounds like you would definitely do that. Yeah. Yeah? That sounds like something you would do. Yeah. If you caught you on the wrong day, it sounds like something you would definitely do that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you're disgusting. Yeah. Watching videos of your CD-ROM. Well, you were your CD-ROM. Eh? Eh? CD

schlong. Eh? Eh? Oh. God love him. Right. Rewind to the late 1980s. Christ. Me and my hubby had been married a couple of years and had recently had our first baby. Congratulations.

One day, he comes home from walking the dog with a video cassette with no label. Okay. I immediately think it's one of those films. He's got off the pervy bloke at work. Yeah. But no. The story my husband tells me is that as he was walking along the footpath,

a car goes past and a dog sitting in the passenger seat is holding a video cassette in his mouth. Oh, this sounds like the most elaborate lie ever. No. Which the dog then tossed out of the open window. Wow. Hubby then picks it up, expecting the driver to turn around and come back for it. He must have noticed the dog did it.

It's only a little village, not much traffic. But the car doesn't come back. So he brought it home and wonders what's on it. Oh God. I was immediately suspicious. Oh yeah, you reckon. Great lie. It's porn from work again, isn't it?

Right. Blah de blah. No, he says, it really happened. He goes on to describe the make, model and colour of the car. An unusual blend, not seen one before or since. And even the type of dog it was, an English bull terrier. He's so specific, but I still think it's a lie. Just doesn't want to admit it's some film.

Gleams all that from the car just whizzing past. Yeah. Naturally, we put the tape on later when the baby had gone to bed. Of course you do. Yes, it's porn. Right. But not any old porn. Oh, God.

The word, excuse the spelling, I can't really recall. So this word fills up the screen at the beginning, right? Right. Fish ten fucking. Right. So this word fills up the screen at the beginning, right? FISH TEN FUCKEN. FISH F-I-S-H T-E-N F-U-K-E-N. Right? Right. I think it might be German.

I imagine most VHS porn knocking around in the late 80s was German. Right. That's what's on there. Lots of fucken with FISCHTS. What? Horrific. Oh, FISCHTS. FISCHTS. I thought you with fished. What? Horrific. Oh, fished. I thought you meant fish.

Not fish, no. Okay. Fished. Okay. In brackets, they've put lots. And we obviously kept watching. Kept watching at home. You probably would, wouldn't you?

Yeah. I was still a bit cross with him for lying and slightly disgusted that either he's asked for that from the bloke at work or that bloke thinks that's the sort of pull my husband goes for. A few weeks go by and I am now walking through the village when I see that exact car go past. Go and piss off.

Same make and model and colour. And who's sitting in the passenger seat? Yep, an English bull terrier. He didn't throw a videotape out this time, but at least I knew my husband was telling the truth. I can't. No. That's ridiculous.

Apparently so. Wow. And it says at the end, which I love, we have used the word fished and fucking as an exclamation ever since. Oh, that's good. I like that. Oh, fished and fucking.

Aye. So this person got the dog to throw out their own pawn no maybe the dog just picked it up and threw it out by accident and he's never known I'd love to meet this person

what was going on your dog so they either got the dog to throw it out or they get in the car and go got some new pawn tonight hold that

and the dog just holds it in its mouth for both of you you might like this too Trevor weird that it's called his dog trevor um yeah that's insane nice wow love that love it story love it what a what a strange thing to find like german fist and pawn dropped out of a moving car by a dog. By a double terrier, yeah.

I believe it. I believe it. I've got more questions than it's one of them ones where I've now got more questions than when the story started, which is a bit upsetting. There was a noise a little bit that. Got a bit of a headache now. So it was the 80s, man. Oh. Weirdly, that answers quite a few of them.

Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Please keep me anonymous. My husband and I have been together seven years, married one. He's an avid runner and loves to spend money, so he has all the latest gear, fancy trainers, etc. What? Because he loves to spend money.

He loves to spend money, so he's got all the latest gear, fancy trainers, running running hat running gloves this is you this is literally you yeah Chris has had his ice tub for a week but now that ice tub

is redundant because he's bought another one that was a lot of money yeah but I'm not stanging off too much because I've actually been in a few times

I couldn't the other one I had my fucking knees around my chin man I couldn't I couldn't fit in I've told my kid you can have it by the way

I've already given it away who to? Gardner oh tell her she can fuck off oh sorry kid sorry is Simon having it?

Simon's having it why is he wanting to do it? tell him about it he said he really fancies it I said look I've got one going begging if you want it amazing

there you go recently this is the person's husband recently he bought a new fitness watch to track everything he does and I mean everything the ick is the the person's husband recently he bought a new fitness watch to track everything he does and i mean everything okay the ick is not the fact he regularly discusses the amount and level of sleep he has had or how long his foot is in contact with the floor during a run but rather yeah that's you yeah this is you but rather that there was nothing wrong with his old fitness watch

and so he now wears both of them in order to get more health data on himself. Jesus. Oh, Jesus Christ. He wears his old one around his ankle. Like a fucking tag.

Like an Aspord tag. Suit, trousers, long socks, smart shoes and a fitness watch around his ankle as if he's just got out of jail. What a bellend.

Definite ick. Wait till he finds out about the rings. Oh, what? Fitness rings. No. Yeah, yeah. Really?

Much less sort of, so for instance, if you're doing like jiu-jitsu or you're doing MMA or you're doing something like more of a contact sport you can't have a watch on, fitness rings.

I don't know if you can get in this country yet but you can definitely get them in America and you can get them imported over ring goes on they look quite cool

black like a black ring I think multiple colours are available tracks everything but while you're exercising as well do you need to know that much don't get me wrong I would get obsessed with the sleep

I'd get obsessed with the sleep I'd wake up thinking I've had a good night's kip and I'd check me out but it would go you only had like four hours of full sleep and I'm wake up thinking I've had a good night's kip and I'd check me out but it would go you only had like four hours of full sleep and I'd be like

oh god I'm tired I can't oh god please don't ever please don't I can't I do get obsessed with stuff can we promise for our marriage

can you not ever get into that because you've managed to avoid that for now yeah no it's the same reason I don't have a smart meter because we'd be walking around in the dark

you wouldn't be allowed anything on I don't think you need to know I think it's too much information I know to turn if I'm not in a fucking

room and the light's on I'll turn the light off I'm not a dick you know well the smart meter like sorry I was just going to say even the cold tub I got

you're supposed to leave it on the whole time I'm not leaving it on the whole time I turn it off on a night because one it makes a fucking noise and two it can cool

in the morning it's cold enough outside like I'm not you put the kettle on man and your smart meter goes in the morning if it's cold enough outside like I'm not you put the kettle on man and your smart wheel goes in at the red and I'd be like oh fuck

I'll just have a glass of water like I know I would it would freak us out man I know I know what was I going to say

dead quickly well remember when I wore that fitness little watch for a bit little fit bit I just kept telling us to get up I was like yeah

fuck off so Jason Cook has got an Apple watch and he said now I think I was with him and it binged and it said oh you know

you've fulfilled your movement for the day or whatever and I was like alright nice one he was like oh no I've got it

set at the lowest possible so it just says oh you've done it when you've done fuck all because otherwise it just hounds you all day set it on the lowest possible and it's like you walked in the fridge well done it when you've done fuck all because otherwise it just hounds you all day set it on the lowest possible and it's like you walk to the fridge

well done yay go you it's all good little victories babadoo babadoo babadoo ba

doo doo doo doo doo thanks so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Maridonoid which is part of the ACAST creator network

it is indeed thank you so so much for being here with us, for sticking with it to the bitter end. If you want to get in touch, send anything at all at shagmodeanoid at gmail.com. We'll be back in years next week. Thank you. Bye. See you later. Bye.

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