Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 257. Gary's Anatomy

Episode Date: February 23, 2024

Chris and Rosie are full of the joys after Sandra has taken the kids for the day! They discuss tanning, the latest casual fashion trends and Chris brings another game for Rosie to play. Chris has a beef with Bluey and Rosie has been taking Grey's anatomy quite literally. All of this plus some shocking QFTP's! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Mardenoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my Herbie, Christopher Ramsey. Herbie, Herbie, hello.

Hello, are you alright? I'm alright, are you alright? Do you know what? I'm tip-top, tipperary. I'm really good, actually. You're quiffed up. Yeah, I've got a hair roller in. Almost can't take you seriously. Where has this come from? So if anyone's watched Rosie's Instagrams recently, you're rolling a roller basically a fringe like

the opposite of what a a charver as we used to call them back in the day a charver fringe which was rolled over a cork can or it was actually just it was called a quiff chris what it was called a quiff no no can you remember when they went the other way can you remember when the can you remember when the fringes when we were school used to come out and around i never had one of them that were disgusting passed me by them that was the older girls that was i was a when we were school used to come out and round I never had one of them that were disgusting passed me by them I remember that was the older girls

that was I was a bit we were a bit young for that that was all the kids did that I think when I started school when I was like 11 12 when I was in first second year

comprehensive school and the girls you know the word chav is a dirty word now it's been taken to mean something that it never used to that it never used to mean

when we were younger it meant the scary fuckers in sports clothes who ask you for money yeah that's what it meant and the stand smoking on the corner uh the girls in the school because they always just come back and meet other people yeah on a bike yeah yeah yeah it breaks so the girls in sports jackets would have the big old fringe it would come out it would go right around it would loop back around sometimes coming down to the bridge of the nose and almost hurting the eyes. See, so that was a bit older than us.

So when I got to that year, and I did, listen, I had a couple of few years of myself being a little bit shabby. A little scallywag. Ours was bits. You had bits. Oh, there were two lines that came. They were terrifying as well. Very, very dangerous around the eyes then. Very dangerous around the eyes.

Spiky. A lot of that going on. Very spiky. But now what you've gone for is you've gone for the other way. So it goes up and around the back of a roller. Yeah. So what's going to happen when you take that roller out? Is that going to stay up there like something about Mary?

No, absolutely not. Because my hair is a bit shit. Right. I've just been watching a lot of Instagram reels of women who've got really lovely hair who do this. Yeah. And I thought, I'm going to do that. Because I've got a lovely hair who do this. Yeah. And I thought, I'm going to do that

because I've got a Dyson Air wand, you know, and I don't use it. I use it. Oh, I know you've got a Dyson Air wand. I went and bought the fucker. Well,

I know. Thank you. Very appreciative. I had to get out the back room with boots at the metro centre. Right. Oh, well,

don't leave them on the shelves. People are nicking them. Shut up. Oh, back room, locked in key. I had to be marched to the fucking... They're massive to nick.

Where there's a will, there's a way. I had to be marched to the counter by the guy massive to Nick. Where there's a will, there's a way. I had to be marched to the counter by the guy. Like he'd been on the tannoy asking where me mam is. Right, here's something, right? Is it just me or you know when you're in a shop or a supermarket? If something's boxed away with a tag on it, I don't want to buy it. Why?

Because I find it weird. Well, as I've said before, that's how you know the good wine. No, I know, but that's different. That's tagged wine. I'm talking about sometimes they tag, like, perfumes and, well, condoms they tag. That's the worst one to do. That's the worst one to do. I want to discreetly buy these condoms.

Excuse me, can you take them out of this Perspex fucking case? This big box, thank you. It's horrendous, isn't it? Yeah, like the fucking... But why are people... Like the Mona Lisa. Why are people nicking condoms? When you can get them free from the gum clinic.

Erm, two reasons. Three reasons. Erm, danger, excitement. Yeah, that's reason one. Two risks there, isn't it? Second reason. Second reason. Horny and it's expensive. Yeah. Third reason. I'm too embarrassed to buy these. I'm just

going to nick them. That's stupid. How's it stupid? Because if you get caught nicking them, that's going to be a lot more embarrassing than just bloody getting the box and paying for it. Surely. Yeah. Surely.

Anyway. Well, of course. Yeah, but they don't think that, I'm assuming. But they're not nicking them when they're in that fucking box, are they? That's why they're in the box, so you can't nick them. I doubt you can nick them when they're in that Perspex box, unless you just stamp on them in the middle of the shop sad times sad times sad times sad bloody times anyway what it is guys keeping them condoms on a lock and key no wonder there's

too many people in the world there let them have them on every street corner for free you well actually yeah i think yeah i think we should make them all right look all right look i accidentally rolled head first into a political issue there which I'd like to roll out of because we've got a little bit deep let's go

okay it is episode 257 thank you Bobinia thank you for listening we bloody love you and without further ado it's time for this week's lyocrative

oh lyocrative lyocrative sponsor this week's sponsor is and it's a good one and it's got me buzzing and it's got you buzzing and and it's got you buzzing, and it's got the world buzzing,

it's when the grandparent randomly takes the kids for the night. Oh my, oh my God. Oh shit. Oh shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Guys, you're joining us. Oh, sorry. No, I was just about to say, first of all, step off the sponsor, you fucking piece of shit. You can, listen,

come away from the mic a second. Come away from the mic. Come away. do not speak to me like that on this podcast or I'll fucking wring your neck shut your fucking mouth this isn't even your podcast I hate you I hate you

lucrative sponsor I was gonna say if I've done this before it's just because I'm so excited so excited this morning I don't think you've done this I don't think you've done this before

but this hasn't happened for a long time for a long long time so basically your mum came to pick the kids up so we could do some work it's half term and essentially

yeah Robin it was a beautiful moment so before your mum came Robin went can we stay at Mama's tonight and I was like I don't know

I didn't kill it. You were like, see what she says. I went, ask Mama. Did you say ask Mama? I didn't hear that. Absolutely I did.

So then, right, your auntie was at ours this morning as well. So Mama is talking to your auntie and Robin went, can Mama, can we stay at yours tonight? And your mum was still in conversation

with your auntie. So she didn't realise. Me and you, shared a glance. I just stared at you across the room. It was such an amazing moment. I just looked at you and I smiled a little bit and you smiled a little bit more like, oh my God, is it going to happen?

Is it going to happen? And I went to take the bins out and I went to put something in your mum's car for her and I came back in and you were standing there, smug as fuck, and you went, it's happening. I'm going to go and get the pyjamas and I ran outside. Do you know what I did?

I'm not afraid to tell you. Do I did? What? I did a cartwheel. No, you didn't. I did a cartwheel because they were being fucking dicks this morning. Can you do a cartwheel? How dare you? You cannot do a cartwheel. Strictly, episode two, Charleston, cartwheel. Not only can I cartwheel, I cartwheeled into Karen's crotch and back out of

Karen's crotch. That's how good I am at cartwheels. And what happened when I was trying the cartwheels. Right. And what happened when I was trying the cartwheels that week? She got pregnant. No, I've been on the Robin Boots. I tried to do a cartwheel in a corridor while I was there and I tore me tricep.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're a moron. You're a moron. Stop talking about when you aren't strictly. That's moons ago. Wow. Yeah, it's been a whole pandemic since then. Oh, yeah.

Don't I fucking know it? Don't I know i know look at these greys um yeah so i i just went my mom i went i went robin he's desperate to stay at your house she went yeah well i can i went jizzed all over the floor and it was just me juice everywhere flowing and my mom went that's disgusting i'm so excited i love the idea of they'd love to stay yours you will they can't well the jam was already in your car yeah i am a little bit concerned why last time and i'll tell you right now right can you remember the last time your mom randomly took the kids for the damn night well no no because just uh so we work away quite a lot together and my mom has them then but that's work that is not this is tonight we've got a night of pleasure

we'll watch a film do we have to have sex no I'm absolutely fine for that we should we probably should I don't think night time's not your thing man

tomorrow morning maybe okay let's not put let's literally let's not pressure ourselves though okay no problem

love you kind of wish they all coming back now. I've already shaved your name in me pubes. Is that bad? Your full name? Rosemary to fucking ages. Wow. No, what were you going to say?

The last time. Yeah, I don't remember. I remember. I remember exactly what it was. Did we have sex then? No, we didn't. We got woke up at two in the morning by Michael McIntyre. I'm on edge a little bit.

I'll be honest with you. You haven't got, nothing's happening, I'm not getting punked or anything tonight, nothing's happening, is it? Well, hang on,

have you done it for me? No, 100% no. You're laughing. I'm not, I'm not laughing, I'm not, no,

I haven't done that. I promise, it's nothing, I've got, I've got now planned, promise you, I swear, nothing's happening,

I promise. Promise? Promise. But if you promise me they're not getting me again nothing's happening why would they get you twice Jesus just so I'll be popular

and famous and stuff erm no no they're not coming no one's coming okay good well we'll move on I'm gonna get pissed

are you well half pissed I might have a cheap little glass of wine I'm so excited woo it's very exciting hey glass of wine I'm so excited woo it's very exciting hey

glass of wine hey hey cartwheel happy days love me bitters but yeah it's nice to have to

we had a fight about the jingle jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle jingle so this is the jingle

jingle we hope you like the jingle, jingle, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah, jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married, Annoyed. Bloody lovely to have you back. Tears. Thanks for coming. I've got a couple of things wrote down in my little notes, things that's been happening during the week. Minutes, minutes full of notes. Agenda? The agenda of the podcast. Notice something. I took Robin to Nando's. Yes. Cheeky, cheeky Nando's.

Okay. I love Nando's, right? This is not slagging Nando's off at all, because I think Nando's is, it's brilliant. It's like fast food, but it's lovely. Well, on tour, you can have something. You can be quite healthy. Yeah, you can just get some chicken and some vegetables if you need to. Yeah, it's great. Or you can go whole hog and get, you can have something. You can be quite healthy. Yeah, you can just get some chicken and some vegetables if you need to. Yeah.

It's great. Or you can go whole hog and get, you know, chips and halloumi and fucking rice and go mentally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it ticks all the boxes. It was a Saturday night. Yeah. And it was the one next to the cinema, so it wasn't like in a dressy place or anything like that. Okay.

Oh my God, right? You can tell I'm getting old. Did you look like a bag of shit and did everyone else look great? No, the opposite. Oh. The fucking opposite. Black hoodies and shorts? I, yeah.

Yeah. What, right, okay. Black hoodies and shorts is the thing now. Are we old? So we're coming up to 38 and there was people there who were in, looked like, you know,

it was really cute actually. You know when you're in a relationship? Yeah. But for me, none of them relationships that I had at that age lasted. Mm-hmm. So there was a lot of people there who were like early 20s and i was just like you guys think you're gonna be together forever you're probably not i hope you said that i hope you weren't on the table saying all that that'll be nice i felt it every person i looked at

like everybody looked like they were going to put their bins out their bins their bins sorry like do you know when you're high your tracksuit on yeah you're high your lounge gear looked like they were going to put their bins out. Their bins? Their bins, sorry. Like, do you know when you hoi your tracksuit on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You hoi your lounge gear on, you go and put your bins out. That's what every... And I'm not trying to... I don't know.

I've talked about this the other week. Robin looked better dressed than most of the people in there. It's unbelievable. I've told you, it's like the JD fucking sports mannequins have just come to life and they're walking around like...

Isn't that? But for the lasses as well, full face of makeup yeah yeah full face hair done fucking leggings yeah with a hoodie yeah

like but then I'm not like because it's I don't know it just it was weird sitting in a restaurant what I deemed to be a restaurant

yeah and just not anybody but then am I just mad am I weird maybe Nando's is more like Greg's to this nation, to this generation. I'm thinking it is now, isn't it?

But I've talked about this, honestly, we went to the metro centre the other day, all the lads, it was barely nine degrees outside. Yeah. All the lads, trainers,

socks pulled up far too fucking high, black shorts, black jumper or hoodies. And that's it. I just don't think they own any jeans. I just, I jumper or hoodies and that's it. I just don't think they own any jeans. I just, I think jeans

must be on the out. I think they might be, you know, denim might be dead. I think it is. Never for me. For a certain, yeah,

for a certain. But I just, I took Robin to GD Sports the other day. Yeah. Fuck me, it's expensive.

Oh my God, oh my God. When you came back and Robin was like, I've got two t-shirts for £25. I was like, two eight-year-old t-shirts

for 25 quid. To be fair to him, he's in 10-year-old t-shirts now. But yeah, mad. That's mad, Chris. Mad. Most of our kids' clothes, just to let you in,

because I know that you very rarely buy their clothes. Yep. They're very, you know, G.O.J. It was mad. It was mad. Pre-market. It was mad. But all of the stuff in there. Fred and Flo, what are they G.O.J. It was mad. Primark A.

It was mad. But all of the stuff in there... Fred and Flo... What are they called? Fred and Flo. I stopped listening. All of the stuff in there, it's like clothes exclusively

for people who are flying around on e-scooters. That's what it is. It's like, hey, get your e-scooter pants, hoodie, hat, fucking balaclava, gloves. Everything's black.

Everything's black. Just mad. Unbelievable. This used to be all fields. This used to be fields. I know. As far as the eye can see. Because actually, I remember when I was younger and people saying that we looked like a bag of shit.

Rosie, we wore pop-up. We weird? We wore pop-up pants. I know. Pop-up pants. Your friends could literally undress you with the flick of a wrist. so i don't know how we dare i know i don't know how we fucking did it was just a bit it's just everyone looked the same and i i was like oh gosh it's fashion it's getting shit we're not all the shit we're just not of the generation anymore of going out dating and taking a girl or a boy to nando's on a saturday night

you know is there something is there something freeing in the fact that they're in lounge gear and they're not as fucking done up? Mate, I'm actually a little bit jealous. I think it must be lush to just be like, oh, I'm top of the trends,

right? And I'm comfortable as fuck. They've got it nailed. Yeah, they have. They've got it nailed. Everything's on the phone.

Everything's deliverable. Everything's at the touch of a button. They don't have to go to the fucking blockbuster. And if they did go to blockbuster, they'd be in their goddamn pajamas and no one would give a fuck. Well done, everyone. Yeah, actually, yeah, you've won.

You guys have won. You've won. Well done. Bastards. Do you remember heels, guys? Remember them? God, horrible. They don't need to use yourself. See how tall all the kids are these days? Jesus Christ, man. Why do you think I'm doing jiu-jitsu so I don't get fucking battered by 13-year-olds? They're massive! Sorry if we sound old.

We love you guys. Sorry. Oh, my dentures just slipped out. I'll tell you something, though. Tell you what does happen when you're old. Here's a story for you. So my mum and her best friend, Jan... Yes, we rang them once, the outside Marxies. Yes, asked them about lesbians, I remember.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that. They, this is showing their age right they are so sick sorry is this their new trend that you told me you were going to tell me about on the podcast

yes but I ended up ringing my mum the other day and she was coming out of the place so I had to tell you right I get you me mum and Jan are so sick of the cold weather

we live in the north it's freezing it's been grim we've had a really just grim right shitty winter it's been awful so me mum and Jan

have started to, once a fortnight, go on the sunbed. Wow. And when I said to my mum, I went, why? I don't understand. And she went,

we just want to feel warm to our bones. They just want to feel rays of like heat on their bodies. Fake sun. They want fake sun. Fake sun. Fuck me. And I said to my mum, I went, mum, it's like that.

You shouldn't really take that. And I think she was very much like, once the summer comes, we're not going to. It's not for a tan. It's just to feel hot. Is your mum a human or a fucking plant? Is your mum and her friend going to, once a fortnight, going to photosynthesise?

I think they're of that generation who just love the sun your mum and dad love the sun I like the sun but I'm not like I don't know they must have been hotter

when they were younger well tans used to be the thing like everyone's got a tan everyone puts a fake tan on you put a fake tan on yeah I think that's the thing because I put fake tan on I'm not actually that bothered

but that generation is not a fake tan generation that is the sunbed generation I remember my dad used to rent a sunbed and he used to come to the house and you could keep it for a week

and it was just a wanner so you would lie on his back it would go over your bed oh oh it was scummy Billy Rousey yeah yeah oh god

do you know if I've ever told you this what oh I can't so it was a wanna yeah yeah oh no so it was like

did he turn over though yeah yeah so you would just lie on the bed it would go over the bed so can you not remember man back in the day you'd be playing out in the street

and you'd look around and so many fucking windows would be like neon fucking purple or blue that's because they'd rented a sunbed so it was just a wanna it would go over your bed over your bed

and you would lie on then you would pull out turn around the other way and get a good one again. So how long were they rented for? So they didn't own it? Like a week or a fortnight. No you rented it.

You didn't own it. You're crazy. What do you think this is? It's the 90s. Did your mum go on it as well? I don't know if my mum did. I remember my dad used to. Right.

But yeah. That's hilarious. So this is like he'll have been like the age I am now or maybe a little bit older he'd be like 40 so he'd be like full on

hitting midlife crisis time. God I can't wait to talk to him about this yeah yeah yeah I will put money on that he denies it shut up it's the kind of thing

that they do yeah yeah oh I didn't do that it's the kind of thing that they will just categorically forget right okay yeah

but yeah she used to do it and I remember it was like tans were just a thing when everyone had a tan it was like oh you've been away you've got a tan

having a tan was this massive thing yeah yeah yeah and I remember what was it called embarrassing bodies and he did a bit. When everyone had a tan, it was like, oh, you've been away, you've got a tan. Having a tan was this massive thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember, what was it called? Embarrassing Bodies? And he did a bit about, Dr. Christian did a bit about,

I was watching with my mum and dad and he did a bit about sort of tans and skin cancer and things like that. And I remember the exact line saying, so if you want a tan, just get it from a bottle. And I remember both my mum and dad going, ugh.

Wow. Ugh, fuck him. Oh my God. I think that, see there's another thing my mum and dad going ugh wow ugh fuck him oh my god I think that see there's another thing this generation's winning with like that's

people aren't compelled too much by tans like because you can get them a better tan from the bottle

a tan in the 90s was it was you look like you've been on holiday in the 90s the measure of your success was how many holidays a year I remember my mum being like success was how many holidays a year.

How many holidays you had, yeah. I remember my mum being like, either go on three holidays a year then. Abroad, you know, abroad. Your mum and dad love a holiday. They've always loved a holiday. Well, so has my mum. So has my mum and dad. Yeah, so you'll be seeing

Sandra and Jan rocking the quick tan. Brilliant. Sandra and Jan rocking the quick tan. Loving life. There's the jingle for the radio. Rock the quick tan like Sandra and Jan.

Please only do once a phone night just to get warm to your bones or you might get skinned, Sandra, and die. Yeah, don't do it. Don't do it. It's bad. Hey, look. People want to do. People will do what they want to do.

Yeah. Don't know why they don't just have a fucking bath. It's not the same, I don't think. I think they want to burn. It's ridiculous. Do you know that feeling of burning? Why don't they go half as on a greenhouse? Just sit in a greenhouse.

Chris, don't ask me. They just want to... I didn't ask. Do you know what it is? And I haven't said this before. I think it's a harebrained scheme. I think it's stupid. Right, there we go then.

Listen, they're 60 odd. Let them do what they want to do. Yeah, fair enough. So the game last week was so popular and exciting i've got another round for you you ready okay um hang on a second just let me get me a little note because some people uh-huh we've got some nice listeners man and they've come up with some things okay so we've had an email here things you can say at an orgy and the swimming pool right so last week was yeah things you can say at an orgy and a swimming pool. Right, so last week was, yeah, things you can say at an orgy and a swimming pool.

Yes, have you got a new one for this week? I've got a new one for this week. Oh, okay, well, let me just tell you these few. Very similar, I've got to say, very similar, but okay. That's fine. This person said, I'm listening to you, this second, episode 256, and Chris just did what you say at an orgy and a swimming pool.

I think these might work. Come on, then. Who's coming in the deep end? Yeah, no, no, no. What what do you not think no it doesn't really work well well it's my turn with the inflatable fantastic yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it says to me there's not enough people at the orgy for using an inflatable doll but whatever yeah well who knows it's fine last one a little bit more and you'll earn a certificate do they give certificates out?

I don't know. Block that person's email. Thank you for wasting our time. I'm joking. Thank you for getting involved. It was better when I ran it yesterday, but that's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good night.

This week's local radio perverted game show. Right, I'm excited. And you've got to come up with them, right? There's three that we're looking for. Right? Okay. Yeah. It is things you can say at the beach and while having sex

okay not an orgy no okay I'm glad you moved away from the orgy I don't know much about orgies neither do I Chris never been to one no

and you know don't want to don't want to do anything wrong there might not be much talk and you might not be allowed to talk things you can say at the beach at the beach

and while having sex right ready yeah go don't put your ice lolly there yeah could

yeah absolutely could work it's not what we're looking for put your ice lolly there yeah could yeah absolutely could work it's not what we're looking for put your ice lolly in that bin not what we're looking for no yeah again move away from the ice lolly stuff

there's nothing ice lolly related all I could think was an ice lolly up in a vagina no I got it we got it we all got the image what do you say come on you ready

yeah we're looking for three come on okay yeah right slap my tit right no not at the beach no no one's saying that at the beach

yeah no or having sex slap my tits no not at the beach no one's saying that at the beach yeah no or having sex slap my tits that's awful good god aww I need a minute right

yeah ooh salty yeah maybe yeah salty right okay yeah that could

alright yeah that could work again good ones not what we're looking for right it's really horrible because we live near the beach yeah and all I can see yeah is being at the beach Yeah, that could work. Again, good ones, not what we're looking for. It's really horrible because we live near the beach and all I can see is being at the beach.

Yeah, yeah. Which, you know, I don't think of sex when I'm at the beach. Right, okay. I have had sex at the beach before, though. Oh, right, wow. Just letting you know. Yeah, on a sun lounger. Okay, well.

Was it all right? Awful. No, it was all right. Okay. A long time ago. Did you rent the sun lounger? No, it was just there. It was just there. Criminal. ago. Did you rent the sun lounger? That was just there.

Criminal. Is that against the law? Arrest me, officer. The three we were looking for were the three exact specific ones we were looking for. Things you can say at the beach and while having sex. Take your socks off.

Right, yeah. Yeah, okay. So there you go. Do you like me big hole? Oh. while having sex take your socks off right yeah yeah okay works that one right so there you go do you like me big hole oh okay yeah no I see that

awful though I mean please don't it's because if you've dug a hole yeah I know but as a person with two holes three holes

I would never say do you like me don't forget eh eh don't forget the ears by the way yeah oh this is totally

what do you want the third one don't forget the ears by the way yeah oh this is totally what do you want the third one before we just carry on go on then careful it gets really deep there we go oh god it's cracking up

okay it's great work just great is it alright is it alright yeah it's like a midnight midnight radio

local radio it is I like it keep them coming yeah oh hey where's that one break a knuckle I like it keep them coming yeah oh hey where's that one hey hey

sex and sex and ordering at a bar what about like if someone's playing volleyball like you'd be like

whoa that ball's heading right for my face could say that in sex as well how how can you get that entire sentence out before someone's balls

before someone's balls hits you in the face I don't know good I suppose do it's a favour never speak while we have sex because I think you're going to say horrible stuff and it's going to put me off right

you're now will it put you off the actual act itself well beforehand in general maybe okay did you want to hear what I had to say yeah

so I went to the dentist last week because i just fucking love the dentist right getting this tooth out was just the stupidest thing i ever did in my life like getting this tooth ripped out your head for no reason uh two hours before our first arena show two years ago it was there was a reason it was because i it was in i was in agony and i would have had to start root canal. I didn't fancy starting root canal on the day of the show. So I got ripped out. Anyway, it's been a nightmare. I had to put the thing in my mouth to

take an impression. I've done something to me, Joe. I cannot open my mouth wide enough. It was like, open your mouth really wide. I've just got a little mouth. I know this is very unsexy. I'm making a taxi in my head

I'll do most of the work here if you're listening to this guys and thinking she you might not have

seen me face before but if you're thinking she sounds quite fit but now I know she's got a tiny little mouth and put off her so I'm sorry about that

ruining people's dreams yeah that's what people go for that is what people go for why That is what people go for. Why did you wake up with her? Oh, she was a 10. She was a 10, but she couldn't fit

a full fucking melon in her mouth. Boom! I don't, because actually, I'm going to have to say at the dentist, I think I've done something with my jaw.

Can you like, dislike me? Ah, yeah, if you're sort of strained. I've done something. Your cheek, I think I pulled a muscle in my cheek.

Possibly, possibly. Have you tried icing it? Just ice it from the outside? I should, shouldn't I? Yeah? Next time you do the ice bath, just pop your little face in. Don't tell people I do the ice bath.

It's my little secret. Oh, okay. Yeah. She does it every day. She loves it. Oh, no, I don't want to understand. Yeah, you do. That's why we've got energy on this fucking thing.

Disgusting. There we go. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. So, I'm going to start a petition. I'm going to put it up on my website and see if everyone Do you still have a website? Probably. God you've not heard for so

long I don't think you've got a website anymore. I don't think that's how it works. I don't think I don't think they just get rid of your website. I'm going to have a look. I'm definitely noting you on it. But there's going to be a petition on there soon if any of the dads out there want to get involved uh basically i'm gonna put up a petition i need signatures and i need yes of course i've

still got a website you're really putting us off here all right oh what's the first thing on there shag married off or shag married annoyed please click yeah redirect oh no not just him not just him fuck that so frightening frighteningly talented that is me that is me so talented it's goddamn terrifying um so this petition uh i need the dads to sign it if you agree i'm sure you will agree it's a petition to stop the dad in bluey playing with the kids so much in future episodes i'd just like some more realism in bluey i'd like some episodes where he doesn't fancy it uh he's away on work uh he just can't be asked some episodes where maybe he just sticks the telly on

and they just watch the telly give them a nintendo switch or an ipad and just leave them and don't get involved and you know what now and then bandit the fucking lippy right tell them to shut up take stuff off them make them cry once and again once in a while

just make it a bit more realistic I don't think that's the point in the show though no no I'm sick of watching this show it's brilliant

don't get us wrong it's probably the best cartoon on TV yeah that dad it's unrealistic he's a good dad it's unrealistic he's a good dad it's unrealistic how good of a dad he is

that bandit and I'm fucking I'm genuinely fed up with it well there was one episode there was one episode where he rang the wife who was

meant to take one of the kids somewhere and the other kids he was meant to take the kids somewhere else and he rang and he said I can't take the kid

there was no there was no sort of back and forth in that conversation the man Chilly kind of very much went no worries

I know I have to interrupt you because you're getting it so wrong it's actually hurting us yeah no but I thought from watching that I thought wow Chilly you've really just

rolled over there yeah she's just she's dogging it rolls over scratch her belly she really did he is supposed to be

taking bingo to gymnastics while Chilly takes Bluey to a play date. He phones up, he says, I've got a flight somewhere, so I can't do that. So yeah, that's what happens.

And there is an episode called Whale Watching where they're both hungover. It's very subtle, but Chilly and Bandit are hungover. Oh, there you go. More of that. We'll need more of that. I'll let them know.

If you are out there, a father, and Bandit is making you feel like an inadequate dad, I do have a little pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for you. Because of the ages of the dogs in that show, and because of the kind of dogs that they are, if they were really dogs, actual dogs, a dog family, and it was realistic, every episode would just be Chilly attacking Bandit

as he tries to mate with Bingo and Bluey. So take that with you. He's kids. As a gift. Yeah. I Googled it. I Googled it. If he was a real dog,

if he was, I'm telling you right now, this is science. This is nature. Ask David Attenborough. He'll tell you the same. Although I don't know if he knows much about dogs. Why have you done this?

Why have you done this? Oh! All I'm saying is, if it was real, that's what would be happening. I'm not going to say it again. All right, another very unrealistic thing about Bluey.

Yeah? Have you seen how high their house is on that hill? Yeah. Their house is so high. Their water pressure is shit. But then, when they're in the street, there's loads of neighbours around them.

Don't know what's going on and the dogs who can drive cars and take the bins out it's silly if I'm honest with you but whatever it's almost like it's not based on fact at all yeah

so don't feel bad guys it's just bollocks I can't believe you said that about the dogs 100% true had to google it had to google it right sorry guys

had to google it might have to delete my history as well I think you might have to I don't think that'll stay in, if I'm honest with you. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all for you, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what?

Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. The Impeders Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So,

who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.

It's time for What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Go on then. All right, I'll go first. Until you've got one in the chamber. So I did a family beef last week. I have another family beef with you. Oh, really?

And then two little bastards that we made. Okay. These have started doing something in the car, which is vile, gross, makes us want to die. What have we done? Bourbon competitions. Ah, yes. The old bourbon competitions, yes.

It's just not nice, is it? God doing it. It's just gross. Speaking, singing. Oh, it's great, man. Horrible. Great. That's, yeah.

That's what my beef was. Yeah. Stop bourbon. Stop having competitions of bourbon in the car. Yeah, in the car's back because you can smell it. This is the thing. You had to open the windows, didn't you? Yeah, it was awful.

Robin had just downed a bottle of Oasis just to burp. And then he burped. It was just like... That's my boy! It's disgusting. I dread to think

what they tell their teachers. Yeah, it's worrying. Honestly, I absolutely dread to think. Yeah. Or, here's another thing, which you said, which I, like, okay, I'll address it now. If Robin's, I don't know if his teachers listen to this podcast,

but if they do, just please take everything Robin says with a pinch of salt. I know exactly what this is. So, the other day, Robin was having his tea, and Chris, for no reason, out of the blue, said to him, Robin,

chin your chicken or I'll chin you. Meaning, hit you. Which Robin found hilarious because he'd never heard this phrase, I'll chin you. And that...

So chin's a double meaning. So if you just like... So now he's gonna... Chin and mean and like neck it, just get it down you. Chin it. Or chin you as in...

You shouldn't say these things. Do you know what it is? He's aged. He found it hilarious. He's literally going to go to school and he's going to be at the dinner table and someone will be eating chicken and he'll go,

oh, and then he'll go, yeah, chin your chicken or I'll chin you. And then you're going to... I'm not going. You're going to get a call at the headmaster's office because I'll ring the headmaster

and I'll say, that was all his dad's doing. So you can speak to him. Well, hopefully you can do it over zoom but fair enough so my beef with you is uh you're obviously watching grey's anatomy non-stop at the moment well well i had a bit of a break because it's i told you it was heavy i told you no no no no no no no no you've got no idea oh because you're scared you're gonna catch catch up no can you can you let me finish my sentence I went on to watch

one day on Netflix and had to binge the full series so finished that last episode very very sad I was texting my friend Steph

who'd also watched it and we're like oh my god it's horrendous turned Grey's on for what I didn't realise was the last episode of the series because I thought

oh I'll watch Grey's as a bit of sort of I know what's coming blah de blah it was horrendous it was absolutely episode of the series because I thought, oh, I'll watch Grey's. There's a bit of sort of, I know what's coming, blah-de-blah. It was horrendous. It was absolutely one of the worst episodes I've ever watched. And I went to bed last night. A broken fucking woman, if I'm honest with you, Chris.

Yeah. But again, like I say, a bit much. It's just not light-hearted viewing. It's just not light-hearted viewing, that kind of stuff. I kind of like it. Yeah, well, I've just realised I've written in my notes here, you're watching Gary's Anatomy. It's, it's, uh... Gary's Anat not like that. It's not, but I kind of like it. Yeah, well, I've just realised I've written in my notes here, you're watching Gary's Anatomy.

It's... Gary's? Yeah. Gary's Anatomy. It's autocorrected to Gary's Anatomy, which I would probably watch. It sounds a bit rougher. You, at the minute...

Just Gary's dick for 45 minutes. You're going to turn on Gary's Anatomy! Lads, lads, lads. Oh, man. You are coming in the room now. Now and then, I don't know if you realise you've done it. You've done it about three times.

I only remember one of them in detail. You randomly come up now with little factoids, little bits of advice for things that you've learnt on Grey's Anatomy. Have you noticed you've been doing this? Like what?

The other day, you randomly walked in the room. This came from nowhere. Nowhere. There was nothing in the room. Nothing on the telly. Nothing happened. You literally came up and you went,

Chris, by the way, if someone's in a car accident, don't move them. Wait for the paramedics to get there. I went, right. And then you continue doing something else. Came from nowhere. Because? It was ridiculous.

Because? It was ridiculous. I know I watched an episode where there was a car crash and a young lad was severely injured his dad

picked him up and took him to the hospital because the ambulance took too long and they were like holy shit and he was paralysed because he moved him

the dad they were like don't move again horrible fucking show because I was like if something happens and you did

you would do that you would do that and then I'd be like I knew that you shouldn't do it so I had to tell you so now hopefully you'll know when else have I done it there was a couple more

but that was the only one I remember word for word mainly because it was so harrowing such a horrible horrible random thought to walk in a room with ugh honestly it's when they put the bones back such a horrible horrible random thought to walk in a room with ugh

yeah honestly it's yeah it's when they put the bones back in the place stop I can't even hear it

I can't even hear it I can't even play Operation Man it's time for questions from the public questions from the public public public

public were you busy reading then? You came in late I was busy Burping If I'm honest with you Okay fair enough A secret burp

Not so secret anymore Hypocrite Why? Because you told me off For burping in the car Now you're burping In a small studio At work

Unprofessional Talking makes me burp Right good Do you remember the tour man? On tour You're in a good job I couldn't stop burping Awful

As always if you want to get in touch It's shagman annoyed At gmail.com Stop that Hi both I'm an Uber driver Part time Don't worry Chris

Oh I bet you've got some tails I know Don't worry Chris I don't bombard customers With conversation But when it comes along It usually is gold

Good man Or woman So It is a man So one Friday night I collected a group of four lads and they were the typical Gary's anatomy gap you are Gary's and you are Gary's anatomy and they were a rowdy group you could tell something had happened due to the sheer laughter when the four got in the back threes back

threes that's a lavious well the back threes like the seat oh right now never heard it called that the back threes that's what the the ubers call it that's what we call it the biz yeah

when the four got in the back threes laughter was deafening the one who sat in the passenger seat was clearly clearly trying to change the subject

no no no that's when the four got in the back threes laughter was deafening that's not when the four got in the back threes you tell me a tax driver who would let,

you know, they're never going to let them have five in a four-seater. Right. I thought that's what they call the back three's. The back three's. What was it again? I won't let us have six in, especially not with the food. Could have just told us no though. It didn't have to be rude. Oh, the monkeys. Oh, good.

So yeah, sorry. I have wrong, I've read that wrong like Ron Burgundy I'll just say what's on here yeah yeah yeah so it's when the four got in one guy got in the back when the four got in the back

threes when the four got in should have been a comma got you when the four got in the back threes laughter the back threes laughter was deafening

thank you but actually can I just tell you right now guys didn't want to embarrass the guy but it actually says defining, but I just changed it to deafening. Might have been so incredible that it was defining a moment.

When the four got in, the back three's laughter was defining. Right. So there you go. Why are you being horrible? I'm not being horrible. It's just... Unbelievable.

All right. The one who sat in the passenger seat was clearly trying to change the subject with a basic chit-chat, how's your day been, what time you're on till, blah, blah, blah. Until the middle passenger started tapping my shoulder trying to get my attention,

gasping for air, saying, driver, driver, guess what happened? You have to guess. Yes. Oh, lush. We've all been there. Great. Very exciting. To speed up the story, dot, dot, lush. We've all been there. Great. Very exciting.

To speed up the story, dot, dot, dot. So apparently the passenger was obsessed with an OnlyFans model who was an older lady, but she would wear a mask when publishing content. Oh, fuck.

So the guy in the passenger seat is obsessed with an OnlyFans model who's an older lady and she would wear a Massacre mask when publishing content. Jesus. I don't know what a Massacre mask is, but... I thought that said mascara. It says Massacre. That's why I left it out. It might want to say

mascara. You never know. M-A-S-C-A-R-A-E Masquerade. Masquerade. Oh, Masquerade. Masquerade. Okay. Fucking hell. This is remedial level reading 101 here. That actually is my fault, I think. The laughter was defining at the massacre ball.

Fuck, I duck. This is terrible. This fucker can't write. You can't read. It's the blindly and the blind. He forgot the D. The D is a very integral letter in can't write. You can't read. It's the blind leading the blind. He forgot the D. The D is a very integral letter in masquerade. I'm sorry.

Also, he spelled it wrong again. Yeah. That's why I thought, is it massacre or mascara? But I think it's masquerade, but the D is missing. I'm so sorry. Right, okay. Ollie's friends seem to think she was less appealing than he did. Oh, God.

So he loves her, they thought. Oh, no. Turns out, just before I picked the group up, he got a personalised video sent to him from the OnlyFans model. Oh, no. Which he really wanted to share with the group without the mask. Oh, no. So I just sent him a video without the mask on.

Oh, no. It's someone. I feel no. It's someone. I feel ill. It's someone. Is he fucking anti or something? No. Turns out it was his mother. No way!

No! No! And he shared this experience with his friends. No! I'd never recover. Yes. I'd never recover. His actual fucking mother. Tits out and full vagina in view.

Oh my God. I erupted into laughter with the rest of the group and was struggling to breathe, nearly crashing the car, which caused me to pull over and get out of the car. You had to get out! You know... The back three all got out and were all laughing on the side of the road. We collectively laughed for about ten minutes and the police drove past.

We must have looked like we were fighting because the sirens came on. We explained what had happened and the police joined in on the laughter before driving off. Oh my God. This poor lad. Can you imagine that? What's going on? Officer, you see him you see him how did they get that story out getting battered by the police that's amazing i'm saving this so

i've started saving some of these questions from the public oh my in a category called sitcom because i feel like one day oh we could just make a sitcom of all of the stuff that we've been sent in so i'm just putting that in there. How bad is that? Do you think it's real? I think it must be real. I would never recover from that. I wouldn't tell my mates.

But it's probably so bad. Oh my god, he opened it with them. That's how they know. But that's how they know because he must be like like oh my god she sent me she sent something just for me

just for me and then oh that's the fucking pits of the world I know I wouldn't have been getting in an Uber with them

I don't know what I would have done there's two thoughts going through my head one how I would deal with that if it was me

but I don't obviously don't want to think about that at all because that makes us want to be sick yeah but how

excited would you be if you were in a friendship group and that happened to be sick yeah but how excited would you be if you were in a friendship group oh it would be christmas day i wouldn't it would be christmas i almost think i would just be struck silent i don't even think i'd laugh i think i'd be struck silent by the sheer gravitas of of the moment you would laugh you would eventually i think i'd just be like this is beautiful oh my god beautiful I'd have to go and scream

into a pillow yeah yeah yeah it would just be phenomenal it's great when when something like that then what would happen is you would come home

and tell me and then I would have the joy of imagine that you know when I come in you know where I come in from I've been off for a curry with the lads

which I do once in a blue moon I'm kidding I'm kidding but I come in and you go any gossip can you imagine

if I went Rosie sit down fucking listen to this I'd die I'd die but I would always keep it to myself

because I never share gossip babadoo babadoo babadoo hey Rosie and Chris love the podcast listening to the episodes in a spaghetti

kind of fashion that sends me all a quiver doesn't make any sense so just like all over the place that's horrible what are you doing that for oh god a spaghetti kind of fashion. That sends me all a quiver. Doesn't make any sense. So just like, all over the place. That's horrible.

What are you doing that for? Well, hey. Oh, God. Oh, there must be going like, most recent than an older. Most recent than an older. I kind of get that. That's one thing about podcasts though,

that's quite annoying. Some podcasts go straight on the next episode, but some of them don't. And you're just like, it's all muddled up, yeah. This could possibly be a Rosie's Mysteries. Let's do it. Let's doie's mysteries let's do it let's do it i'm feeling lucky let's do it i'm a nail tech technician i've been doing nails for 13 years now and i remember the most gross encounter i've ever had with a client do you know what it is yeah the amount of times i've been on tour to towns where there's

been an abundance of places for people to get their nails done and absolutely nowhere else to go. Baffles me. What do you mean? I walk around town sometimes when I'm on tour

and I go, small towns, like our town and there's loads of places. Yeah, but I'm going, you're going and getting your nails done,

then where the fuck are you going? Because there's nowt here. Home. So just Google going home with nice nails. Well, for like a night out. Where's the, nothing there? No, well you don't

so you think people go pre, fucking pre-nails go and get their nails done and then go out on the town. They'll go get their nails done during the day and then carry on with their lives. I don't get my nails done, I really should. You bite your fingers. Disgusting. I used to have a client, in brackets, thankfully I've't get my nails done. I really should. You bite your fingers. Yeah. It's disgusting.

I used to have a client, in brackets, thankfully I've relocated, so no longer do her nails. Let's call her Sharon. Oh. He'll never finger you. Sharon. Right.

Can you still believe that happened? How mad. He'll never finger you in a million years. He'll never finger you in a million years. Good. Because he looks grubby as fuck. If you're listening to the podcast in spaghetti fashion, that'll make no sense.

I was out on a night out once, and this lass thought that we were... I don't even know what she thought. She clearly thought we fancied our boyfriend, and then instead of saying, the usual, are you looking at my lad? She literally said loads of things, and then finished with,

he'll never finger you in a million years. And I just thought that's the maddest thing I've ever heard anyone say. But you know you've got the motivation from that and you've got a quote

and you're working towards one day where you'll be in a position where he would finger you. Hopefully. And I'm happy to be with you on that journey. Thank you.

Do you think Sharon will be around to witness this? Don't know. We'll see. Wish I took a close inspection at his hands because I didn't. I was in shock, if I'm honest with you. Right.

So Sharon, she was an interesting character. Always had her hair crimped in a 90s fashion. Always smelt steel. Like Cindy Loper back in the day. Really crimped. Yeah, like waffle. Like waffle. Yeah. Dirty video. No. Christina Aguilera Moulin Rouge video. Cindy Loper back in the day like really crimped yeah like waffle like waffle yeah

dirty video no Christina Aguilera Moulin Rouge video big yes wavy thing yes

there it is was it 80s or 90s you said 90s I feel like it was more noughties I would say noughties what's noughties do you think I piss

what's noughties 90s no what's noughties I've never you don't know what the noughties nineties no what's noughties I've never you don't know what the noughties are is that the 2000s yeah

right fucking hell okay so honestly from 2000 to 2009 is the noughties okay and don't ask us

what the one after that is because I don't know what it is neither do I it gets confusing the noughties might be the noughties I think they stopped I think they stopped

nicknaming them after that. Okay. Well, I know we're currently in the roaring 20s, so... It's been the roaring 20s. It's the roaring 20s now? Is it? 24.

Right. She always smelled of stale smoke, had smeared makeup on and always wanted to rant about politics to me. Not my usual topic of conversation as a 20-something year old. Got you.

Two parts to this story. She booked that partner in for a spray tan. He arrived and looked like what I would only describe as a 70s porn star. He refused to use the disposable pants

for the spray tan as he was wearing the teeniest thing I've ever seen. Anyway, the tan went fine and off he went. Good story. Heads up,

I think Chris will hate this story and possibly vomit. Okay. I don't like any of the characters so far i'll tell you that right now no one's no one's i haven't connected with any of the characters i'm not invested i'm not invested not bother about him and his tiny little kegs not bother about her right okay no worries back to my client with the frizzy hair as i was filing her nails one day we had used hand sanitizer before starting I noticed some C-shaped muck dropping from under her nails.

This kept happening, but I thought I wouldn't ask what it was until I had finished filing as my stomach wouldn't be able to continue. C-shaped, so little bits of... C-shaped, but I think what's happening is just filing it. And it's coming off. And it looks like a C. And it looks like a little tiny crescent moon. Yes.

But it's dirt. Yeah. Anyway. I can't wait to hear what this is. We get to the end and I say, oh, Sharon, what was under your nails? This stub kept falling out from under your nails and showed her.

So it just says, yeah. So what was it? She looked puzzled and looked under her nail, then picked one of the crescent-shaped filings and licked it. And licked it. Oh, for fuck's sake. Like a light bulb moment, she says.

Oh. What do you think she says so she says it she just says it so it's not like no what do you think it is well when when she says it no yeah yeah yeah but we point it she just says it so it's not like oh that's me shit because that's probably like that's really bad is it like cat litter or something i'm going with cat she sounds very cat you think she's got a cat cat litter or listen he I'm going with cat litter. She sounds very cat. You think she's got a cat? Cat litter or... Listen, he's putting people into these categories.

You know I am, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I am, I am. It's cat... It's something to do with a cat or a dog. It's something... Okay, you are. It's either fucking cat food,

dog food, cat shit, dog shit or cat litter. Right, okay. That's me hedging all my bets. Right. So something pet related. Yeah. I think she'd have a bird.

She's much more of a bird person. Do you reckon? I think you'd go to a house and the bird would just be on her shoulder and you'd be like, all right, Sharon. I told you. And she'd go,

do you want a cuppa? And as she's doing it, she'd just pick the bird off with one finger and go, do you want a cuppa? And you'd go, yes, please. And she'd go, all right. It's a pretty boy then. Yeah, put it in the thing.

I told you didn't I, me mate when I was younger had a bird that just used to fly around the living room. I've told you this. You've told me this. I don't know if you've said had a bird that just used to fly around the living room. I've told you this. You've told me this. I don't know if you've said this but that's awful by the way.

Chandelier. Is there just bird shit everywhere? Well, no. Because the chandelier at the top was like one of them lights a ceiling light but each

each bulb had its own but it had the glass covering for a bulb and there were like vases it was like five vases surrounded these lights and one day I turned the light on and it was each of vases surrounded these lights and one day i turned

the light on and it was each of them were a couple of inches deep of bird shit i'm sorry i'm sorry it's fucking wrong that's was he off school a lot no no he was all right he was actually he's i'm not gonna say who it is or where he lives now because that'll give it away but it it's he was normalish funny kid nice lad friends with him for years but yeah like can't be can't be good that unbelievable that bitch shied everywhere well anyway that's how i imagine sharon's house right um so no you're wrong sorry nothing to do with animals or shit no you're you're well off but anyway okay she had a light bulb moment she licked the crescent moon and she says, Oh, I had some barbecued chicken a few days ago. It must be that.

Oh, you fucking left a person. So the shit that was falling from under her nails was manky hardened, few day old barbecue sauce. A few days and therefore hadn't washed her hands properly for a few days. A few days. That's not good. That's not good. That's not okay. I know.

This is horrendous, by the way. Side note, my job can sometimes be pretty minging. Quite often, two particular fingernails will give off a smell when filing with some clients. You don't need to use much imagination to guess which two. So I'm going to say the first two. What do they smell like? Shit or vag? Probably better both.

Oh, it's really made me upset. Just to me, right? I'm just like, if you're going to get your nails done. Like, I don't get my nails done right. And I'm pretty clean. I look after myself. I don't get my nails done because I can't be arsed. If you're getting nails, that's pretty high maintenance, nails.

Yeah. Nails strike me as nice people. Yeah. Clean people get their nails done. Oh, no, no. It. Nails strike me as nice people, clean people get their nails done. Oh, no, no. It goes the other way for me. Does it? Yeah. If you've got big old manky nails on, big old fake manky nails, big long talons.

You're right. I just go, wait, your arse is shitty. You're quite happy. Well, see, this is so I keep my nails. I'm like a chef, me. I keep my nails really short because me mum used to show us videos of like thread worms and that when I was a kid. So that's before YouTube. So she would,

where was she getting these videos from? I think it was genuinely, I remember watching a video of it. Educational videos. Like an educational video. So she's recorded that off the telly. And then there was pictures. This nail brush,

this nail brush is bone dry. Everyone in the everyone in the living room it's thread worm time yeah well my mum was a nurse who's put care bears on the thread worm video

my mum was a nurse so my mum knew all about this stuff so like any time would be somewhere and some kid would be scratching the rest of my mum

like got worms because people didn't know about them that much then anyway yeah so I so I've just got really short nails and i'm hi it is manky when people have long nails i'm always just like you've got loads under there and you've got a shot of the nails and you're like

yeah you haven't wiped your ass properly because you you try it's like edward scissorhands trying to wipe his ass fucking disgusting stop it pack it in horrible and i know you're listening there's people listening now going i've got massive nails and they're clean not bothered i'm not bothered the mental image is there for me. I'm never going to be able to get rid of it. So I'm sure your nails are lovely and they're clean and they're long and they're perfect.

In my head, as soon as I see them, I think, well, you've got a rash on your arse because it's full of cack. Oh. I just don't see the point in long nails. Why? Why? Fashion.

Really? I think so. They don't serve any purpose other than that. Yeah. But what's the point in fake tan? What's the point in makeup? It's just, you know, I'm not, I think some nails are gorgeous.

I love painted nails. I just wish I could be asked to go more often. I've just realised as well, I've been slagging everyone off there, but they might all have B days. They might all have really good water pressure and really good BDs. And Chris, people keep their nails clean, like they do.

Yes, but my point is, my assumption is that they don't. Of course it is. And am I wrong? Yes, probably. No, I'm probably wrong. Yeah, are you? But the assumption's there, and that's where my brain goes to. That's right.

So when you associate something with something, that's that, isn't it?'t it we're allowed to discuss it on here everyone's got their own opinions i just feel like a lot of people a lot of people in a lot of you know walks of life that i slag off doesn't really bother us but i feel like if i'm slagging off people with really long nails i feel like i feel like someone's gonna scratch me soon yeah someone's gonna come at us i'm a little bit scared now someone coming out as we keep oh my god here's chris catastrophe at us. I'm a little bit scared now of someone coming at us with big masses. Oh, God, here's Chris. Catastrophizing. Big disco nails. I'm going to come back in and I'm going to have a cartoon stripe across my face. Three lines.

What happened? I go, supermarket. Someone said my nails are clean. And now he's got worms. Now I need a tetanus. Although I don't because she assured us they were dead clean. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I have a story for you about the time my mum, dad and sister

went out for my dad's birthday last year. Okay. For my dad's birthday. Not invited, were you not? No, clearly not. I mean, where were you? God love you. They went to an Indian buffet.

My sister usually likes spicy food, but she said all the food at this place was very spicy. It must have been an actual authentic Indian restaurant. Remember there used to be one near us. I think it might still be there. Okay. And it's actual like proper Indian food. Okay.

But I thought the crazy... See, I don't know if there's a... I know it's a lot of vegetarian stuff if it's actually authentic Indian food I know a lot of it's vegetarian

but you can't get a cheetah masala let's put it that way oh yeah that's just that's a British curry isn't it really

yeah but I don't know if I don't do they go really mad spice or is the really mad spice something that

happened the more it got sort of over here I don't know it might be like a more authentic spice I don't know I really don't know but anyway anyway the more it got sort of over here. I don't know, it might be like a more authentic spice. I don't know. I really don't know. But anyway.

Anyway, the offerings at this place happen to be extremely spicy. Yes, yes. Fair enough. Even the milder dishes were eye-watering. Wow. Anyway, they ordered a jug for the table of this milky cocktail drink. Lassie.

It's called a lassie. Oh, is that what it is? Mango lassie. Can't go to the flavors as well but mango is the main one so what's that to kind of it's basically yeah yeah it sort of cleanses the palette right between it basically yeah it's um because drinking alcohol drinking beer with spicy food is like the worst thing you can do it's like really really fucking bad yeah yeah um so yeah they'll have a mango lassie which which is delicious. You know me, I love out milky like that.

I don't see. That's really upsetting. Well, I don't get them because I would just, I'd fill up on that. I'd fill up on that. I'm not a fan. Not a fan.

But anyway, they've said it's very nice, which they said was very nice. My sister got up for a second round of the buffet and ate another plateful of curry.

The second plateful must have tipped her spice tolerance over the edge and she went very quickly from having a nice time to being uncomfortable right okay the panic we've all had the panic i remember the first time my dad gave me a taste of a chicken madras from the takeaway yeah and i'd i'd had these chicken madras from uh morrison's or whatever for years on

markson's benzer's and i was like i can have these he got one from the takeaway and I had the same amount and I shoveled it in my face oh yeah I was I was inconsolable it was like a nightmare I couldn't escape it I couldn't get away from it I don't like spicy food at all

I've tried I just don't like it I've got a vivid memory of going upstairs and I couldn't stay still I couldn't and I looked in the mirror and my face was all red

and I was sweating and I've got a memory of being in my mum and dad's bathroom over the sink and I'm just shoveling cold water in my mouth with my hand and I'm just like, it's making it worse.

Fuck me, I wish I'd had a mango. I should have just went and had a glass of milk but my mum and dad didn't even consider it. They didn't even, they just stayed and watched the telly.

I was dying. The heat was getting worse and worse so she decided to down about a pint of the milk you cut, the lassie. Lassie. Yeah, to take away the spice. Yeah.

But obviously it didn't and instead she felt sick instantly oh my god because it's curdling yeah you know all of a sudden with little notice she was sick in the middle of the restaurant oh no straight back onto her plate oh no i'm not sure if anyone else saw but my mom quickly put napkins over the plate to hide it that's classic mom that's wonderful behavior mother my sister'skins over the plate to hide it. That's classic mum. That's wonderful behaviour, mother. My sister's sick filled the plate to the point where if you were able to pick it up without knowing there was sick on the plate, you'd either spill it

or accidentally put your thumb in it. I'm so sorry if this is making it vomit disgusting. The waiters kept coming to clear her plate but the three of them kept telling the waiters to leave the plate as they weren't done yet. What was their plan? Because they thought it was morally wrong to let them take a plate of sick away. Which is true.

Yeah, it is. Absolutely do not. Right, well, I'll tell you what they do. Oh, no. The three of them then tried to think what they should do. The solution they thought was best was for my dad to take the plate of sick

into the men's toilets and flush it down the toilet. In brackets. See, Chris? In brackets. May I remind you, it was his birthday it's such a dad job isn't it oh it's such a dad job bon anniversaire like in the air in my childhood memories me mom going derrick derrick you're gonna have to do it you're gonna have to do that derrick derrick i going Derek Derek you're going to have to take that

Derek I cannot take Derek you're going to have to take that to the toilet and me dad going oh god Rosie god so in my head both cubicles are occupied he's standing with his plate of sick

very carefully in the toilet and he just catches himself in the mirror as he's standing there sick dripping off the napkin on the floor and he's just very quietly going happy birthday to me bit of a drop sunny shoe happy birthday to me i've preferred what you said before when they told me i couldn't get over how weird he would have looked walking in the toilets in a restaurant with a full plate from the buffet to then leave two minutes later with an empty plate. It turns out...

Sparkling. Turns out he washed up the plate in the bathroom sink and just left it on the side. Oh, for fuck's sake. Which I said was even weirder. People will use the toilets and will see a clean plate at the sink. Even more weird, what if someone was in the toilet

when all this happened? Anyway, my question is, what would you have done in this situation? Thanks. First of all, people do go absolutely fucking nuts at buffets if you let them. She ate so much and drank so much

that she vomited back onto her plate. I think, no, but I think in her defence, No. It was the spice. No, yourself. What do you go back for seconds for? You've just stated that it was so hot,

but you've gone, oh, I'm going to go back again because it's a buffet, you greedy fucker. Right? Stop it. Do not shame the buffet goer. I'm shaming this particular buffet goer

because she bloody... A third helping was from the fucking insides of her stomach. What would I have done in that situation? third helping was from the fucking insides of her stomach what would I have done in that situation I think they came up with the best possible solution

I wouldn't have been taking my plate the second I got it if one of the kids did it, it would be me, I would have to do it 100% I couldn't have brought myself to tell the waiter I couldn't have done that my only other thought. No, you couldn't. No, absolutely not. I couldn't have done that. My only other thought was, I would possibly wait till they'd cleared everything.

No, this would be weird. I was going to say, just collect from the tablecloth, just literally lift the whole tablecloth off the table, turn it up like Santa's sack, and go, how much are these tablecloths? And just leave them loads of money and leave with the tablecloths.

But that's even worse. That's horrendous. I'd do what he did. You would have had to carry the sick with the toilet. a dweud, beth am y clwtiau yma? Ac adael llawer o arian i'w gael gyda'r clwtiau. Ond mae hynny'n gwaethaf. Mae hynny'n ddifrifol. Fe wnaethon ni gael y sgwrs i'r toalett. Ond dwi ddim yn gwybod sut y gawdai hynny i'r toalett. Fe wnaethon ni ei ddegantio i mewn glas. Dyna'r peth pwysicaf. Fe wnaethon ni ei roi i mewn glas. Mae'n mynd i fyny i bob le.

Nid oes unrhyw llyp. Nid oes unrhyw sbwyt. Nid oes unrhyw sbwyt ar blât. Rydych chi'n mynd i roi hynny i fyny i'r glas. Ac mae'n mynd i fyny i bob le. Y llwyth o'i. Y llwyth llawn sy'n mynd i fyny i bob le. Allech chi ddynnu'r napkin i mewn y sgwrs a'i roi i'r bin? Does not have a spout on a plate. You're going to go to pour that on a glass and a sheet of it, a full sheet of it's just going to go everywhere. Could you soak the napkin into the sick and then put the napkin in the bin?

600 more napkins please waiter! Yeah, gaws. Oh no. Right, no. It's making me really sad. I'm glad I'm not slated to go. Do you know what? I was going to suggest to go for a curry tonight because we don't have the kids. Well that's, you've ruined that. I would love a curry. Ruined it.

Yeah. Sorry. Well done. You're welcome. Babadoo babadoo babadoo back. Do do do do do do. As always, biatches, thank you so much for listening to this. The fuck did that come from?

What did I say? Which part of the ACASCREAN? See say which part of the ear cast see you went all stupid you went all rogue and you forgot the bloody you forgot the bread and butter of this podcast

I'm listening to Heather's right biatch right okay that's right what she said thank you so much

for listening if you want to send anything in at all sick story why someone's fingers have got black stuff

dropping off keep them coming we'll love it man hey yeah it's fantastic it's so much fun listening to all these stories shagged. We'll love it, man. Yeah, it's fantastic. It's so much fun listening to all these stories. ShaggedMildAndOid at gmail.com.

And we'll be back in the ears next week. Bye. Bye. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation.

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