Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 258. In The Namy

Episode Date: March 1, 2024

This week on the podcast, The Ramseys discuss the versatility of the Geordie 'eee' and Rosie learns about the plot of Bladerunner... There are some very *stirring* beefs and QFTPs include an ick which has been sent in live from the hospital. Chris has a crack at a Rosie's Mystery, and he has a point to prove about something in the house... Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game

and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Unannoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Oh, hi to Geordie E on the beginning of that. Lovely to have you back.

Thanks so much. Hope you're well. Do you know, when I was in the sitcom Heaven, which is a North East town, we had to explain... Not He-burn, not Heaven. He-burn, H-E-B. We had to explain for quite some time, me and Jason Cooke and the other Geordie cast, to the production team, et cetera,

who weren't from the North East, the sort of importance of the Northeast. Yeah. By female Northeast dwellers. Yeah. So it's like, it's not even a word anymore. No. It's an expression.

It can be. So tell me, do me emotions and I'll tell you it in E. Right. Right. Sad. E. Shocked. E. me do me emotions and i'll tell you it in e right right sad e shocked e happy e excited scared e we don't even need language anymore holy fuck that was I didn't think

scared would go that's really good really full after a carvery yeah no that's yeah

very very good hey you've missed your call and fucking around on this podcast you could have been a top flight Hollywood actor

that was absolutely still time nah you passed it you're joking aren't you you're joking aren't you? You're joking, aren't you? But you're going to be, what, someone's grandma? Eh? There's always

older parts. Ah, yes. I've talked about this before. Maybe not on the podcast, but just to you. Yeah. So I've always wanted to do the West End, right? Oh, yeah, you want to be... All the parts now I can't do. The parts that I wanted to do, I'll have to be a bloody... An auntie or a mum or a... Old hag. Aye. Or like a teacher. A teacher. Old hag who owns... Was it you want to be a bloody an auntie or a mum or an old hag aye or like a teacher

teacher yeah old hag who owns what was it you want to be old hag who owns pub

in Les Miserables Les Miserables yes yes yeah yeah yeah Madame Tenardier I would love that old snarglier

aye oh well good well good luck with that good luck with that you know we all wish you we wish you

I tell you what there's so many exciting things on the rise and we're doing that annoying thing where we can we wish you I tell you what there's so many exciting things on the rise and we're doing that annoying thing where we can't tell you what they are but there's some

exciting things coming in for one Rosie Ramsey kind of for me not so much for you I'm having a really good year yeah and I'm having a really good year because I am

I swear to god I'll be fully retired shortly it's fucking amazing this like every time Rosie gets guys every time Rosie gets a phone call for another

sort of high profile job I'm just like oh where's them slippers right where's me day i'll get up right i'll i'll have a light breakfast where's me gi i'll go and bjj i'll come back slip us on wait for the kids to get in bath bottle bed see you later that's me not me not them oh you can't do that forever though. I can. You're absolutely not retired. Why are you trying to kill my dreams? I'm not. I'm just saying. Why are you trying? I am literally, honestly, just horizontal. Call me horizontal.

If we are going to buy that chateau in France, there's none left, man. I've told you. That show came on, Escape of the Chateau or whatever it's called, and that dick and angel, they got theirs for like £3.50 or whatever it was. And then all the rest of them

were like a fiver. And then now, every fucker in the south of England has bought one, done them up. Now they're millions of pounds each. There's no old shadows left. And if there is,

if there is, a whole family will be murdered and I'm going to tell you that right now. Well, you know. Yeah? My brother's a plasterer. We'll just plaster over all them blood stains. We'll be fine.

All right? Paint would have done. Plaster, I suppose. It's really, really doing the job well there, isn't it? I would love a shadow in France. I just feel like I've married the wrong guy because you are not the do-or-up-a-guy. You're really not. I'm not the go-to fucking...

You really don't get excited about things. You don't get excited about anything, actually. What do you mean? In the middle? like, Rosie... Might have to remarry. How can I... Go for it. How can I get excited?

It's literally, you come at us at, like, bedtime. Like, I'm going upstairs, I put the alarm on. You know what? Honestly, to let everyone, to let you behind the curtain here, right? Some of the worst moments of my day are when I'm looking forward to going to bed, I fill up my water bottle,

I get whatever you needed from downstairs, your list of fucking demands that you're giving hot water bottles and dummies and cups and fucking fabs that you're eating in bed like henry the eighth and then right and then i'll come upstairs and you'll you'll be standing looking at a wall right you'll be in the hallway you're standing looking at a wall and most people would think, hey God, what's up? I should now go, no, she's got a fucking idea above us. You know what we should do

with this wall? Oh, it's 10 o'clock, man. It's fucking 10 o'clock. I want to go to bed. You've got no idea. I reckon I would, I reckon I would, Kev, poor Kev,

I reckon I would, Kev could put an arch here. I'll tell you what, if fucking, if you let Kev put an arch on I'll tell you what if fucking if you let Kev put an arch on every wall you wanted an arch

in this house would live in a fucking Roman Coliseum with no windows no walls I found a website that does round doors

so it is possible it's not a pain in the arse man stop ruining me life man round doors where do you fucking who do you think you are Santa

where do you think you live in North Pole what do you want round doors for like a fucking the Shire think you are Santa where do you think you live in North Pole what do you want round doors for like a fucking the Shire Frodo I would love to

live in the Shire honestly fucking sick of it anyway thank you for coming thank you for being here

thank you for listening welcome welcome to this episode this is episode 256 and without

further ado it is time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor hey parents out there with kids about sort of in between 3 and 8 years old maybe all the way up to 9 I'm not sure but you might know this as well this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Hey, parents out there with kids about sort of in between three and eight years old,

maybe all the way up to nine, I'm not sure, but you might know this as well. This week's lucrative sponsor is that stupid fucking Mario and Sonic run that all children do that almost guarantees if they fall over, they're going to knock their fucking teeth out. Oh, the hands behind the back.

Oh my God. I'm so, it's that manga, Japanese cartoon, Mario Sonic run where they run fast and they put both hands. Is that where they got it from? Yeah, yeah'm so it's that manga Japanese cartoon Mario Sonic run where they run fast and they put both hands is that where they got it from yeah yeah so it's

it's that manga run we used to do it though when we were kids I've never done that run it's a dickhead's run you would have you fucking you would have invented

that run in your school you were that dickhead take that back now take that back now look in the mirror you have no idea who you are don't

you I'm going to tell you exactly who I am and i'm telling you right now running with your arms behind your back stupidity i can vividly remember a conversation with my mate where we said you run much faster when you move your arms with your hands like that with your palms flat and fingers outstretched rather than fists because the wind slows your fists down so you were watching watching Blade Runner? I would run like T-1000. Why would I be watching Blade Runner?

I've never actually seen it. It's not about running. I'll just tell you. What the fuck's it about then? It's not about fucking running. It's not. Right. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, you've done it again. You haven't done one of these for a while. Sorry. My nose is running. Is it bleeding? Blade Runner is not about running.

What's it about? I nearly missed it. It was one of the moments where you said it and it was so stupid. I nearly went past it. So I said that I was running with me hands. So everyone I'm picturing... Everyone heard you. What are you picturing yourself for?

Your hands like a frying pan. Hands outstretched like a palm, like you playing yeah yeah um and you me nose is running uncontrollably because my brain is actually under friction by what you've just said and you said so you must have been watching blade runner and i quickly said no t1000 and then i realized yeah yeah it's the um i've seen that liquid metal metal Terminator. Mince pies when he gets shot. Looks like mince pie things. Yeah, great. You think Blade Runner's about someone who runs with their hands out?

I mean... Yes? Or swords? What's it about? I don't know. You put it on... You think it's about someone who runs with scissors. You put it on when we first met, do you remember?

And I made you turn it off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You couldn't get your head around it. Really bored. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No, what is it about then? You're Really bored. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. No. What is it about then?

You're disgraced. Is it about time travel? No. Is it about... I don't know. What's it about? Sci-fi? It is sci-fi.

Right. Yes. I do like sci-fi. I just couldn't get away with it. What is it? Tell us just dead quickly. Blade Runner. First of all, you're disgraced because you're from the North East.

You're from South Shields. Ridley Scott of South Shields, although he never mentions it. I don't know why. He made Blade Runner. Okay. With Harrison Ford. Mm-hmm. race because you're from the northeast you're from south shields ridley scott of south shields although he never mentions it i don't know why he he made blade runner okay um with harrison ford based on a book called do androids dream of electric sheep by philip k dick right which i've also read um and it's about uh a blade runner is a cop in the future whose specific job is to hunt down replicants i.ee. false humans, engineered humans, who've gone rogue. Does he run?

He's a Blade Runner. He might advance to a light jog at a couple of points in the film. So there is a bit of running. Well, I see you win. It's not right. I see you win. Okay, well, thank you for that.

I need to watch the new one, actually. You need to watch the old one first. Okay, I think I would appreciate it now. I went through a bit of a stage in my life where I didn't really want to watch stuff like that okay you know

okay when I was younger Crossroads was more my vibe got you yeah is that the Britney Spears film Britney Spears one yeah great good chap

Mandy Moore Finding Hope that was quite good I've stopped listening yeah let's crack on great it's 11.11 oh good

yeah more bullshit just as bullshit as Blade Runner it's actually it's actually quite anti-capitalist quite philosophical film

anyway you would have been that dickhead at school who put the coat over the hood and ran like that yeah you put your coat over your

put your coat over your head like that where your arms are stretched you're like half an umbrella you lean into the wind

yeah what if you fell over though the wind held you up alright it's July the 4th right well I wouldn't do it on 4th it's not that windy what independence

do you think I'm wasting time doing that I won't have my coat I won't have my bloody hand on my heart and I'll be standing up singing the American National Anthem that's what I'll be doing on July the 4th how dare you

punching aliens or fighting aliens welcome to earth oh god play the intro oh god honestly it's painful

we had a fight about the jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. So this is the jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle! Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married, Annoyed.

Speaking just in the intro there of like films and popular culture, etc, etc. I don't know if this is a good thing or this is like a terrible thing. Rafe was at me mum's last week. Okay. And me mum came back and she was like, oh, we were going through letters. Letters? Putting letters, like magnetic letters on the fridge. Oh, okay.

And we were going through letters. And now he's three, he doesn letters on the fridge. Oh, right. Going through letters. Not his three. He doesn't really know his letters. Guess which one in you. A letter on its own? Mm-hmm. S?

No. C? No. I mean, I'll just tell you. Okay. Could be. Hold on. I've got 22 more guesses.

A? It's 26 letters. I've got 24 more guesses. D? I was going to leave two. Well, I wasn't going to go Zed. Can I just tell you? And I wasn't going to go O.

Can I just tell you? Zed. Hey. Oh, fuck off. Go on. Sorry, sorry. You recognised the red N. Right.

And then my mum held it up. She went, ooh, what's this? And he went, Netflix? That's dreadful. I know. Don't put thatful. I know. Don't put that out. Get this, edit that off the podcast.

That's the worst parenting I've ever heard in my life. Wow. But then at the same time, I'm like, actually, that's quite clever because he's recognised it.

When he goes on his switch, he goes, so go. Yeah, I got a sonic idea. So go. Bit annoyed that you've introduced a switch into his life.

So anytime he has a tantrum about it, it's all on you. His brother sits there on a switch you can't not let him have a switch yes you can there's a spare one I've got one

Robin's got one he's quite good on it to be fair he knows what he's doing of course he does yeah he's really good on it Netflix dreadful parent that

shocking there's a lot of good things on Netflix for kids as long as he doesn't start recognising the P and the H from Pornhub I think we're fine

oh yeah oh god oh that's grim how are you i'm good i made myself all sad with that joke but i'm good i am very good i'm good good today very nice you good i'm i'm really good we've still been cold tubbing it like cold tub wangers cold tub wangers and i hear the say it honestly it's actually quite good i love it i love it although um uh one of the lads at the gym uh who's got quite a um quite a talent for shitting on stuff yeah um me and two of the lads were talking about it and the head of the gym was just like oh you're all right cool tubs right that's something in the morning that people who want tough dude and make themselves feel tough and i was like what i was like whatever and then he walked off i was like oh fuck he might be right

i said do you think it makes you feel tough though? I think it's because you get over you get over like you're like you don't want to do it and you're scared to do it and you get in and it's horrible but you get through it

and then you're like yes I think it's sort of supposed to give you like a I'm on top of the mountain I can conquer the day kind of vibe do you know why I do it? why? because I get in

I get out straight away I go in our en suite in my bedroom because we've got the ice tubs off my bedroom. I go into the en suite, I take my costume off, my tits look unbelievable.

Well, my nipples are hard and they're really tight so they look a bit smaller and it firms up your boobs for like only about 10 seconds and then they kind of go back down. But for them 10 seconds, I'm like, wow. Really? They look quite nice, yeah.

Well, on the absolute flip side, after an ice bath, my penis is the most pathetic sight you've ever seen in your life. Bollocks almost non-existent. Really? Do they just disappear? Penis even. So if I haven't trimmed the pubes

if the pubes are long penis just retreats into the pubes like a fucking turtle's head let me see next time no it's embarrassing oh please

no it's just good I'll show you me boobs oh well I mean yeah I mean obviously that's yeah but don't it doesn't last

as soon as I've sort of warmed up it's all back to just yeah sag but for them honest for a little bit tight

like they just your body like tightens up yeah it's weird innit ah it's great yeah but then it's all back to just Yeah Sag But for them So it looks amazing For a little bit Tight Like they just Your body like tightens up Yeah it's weird innit Ah it's great Yeah But then it's So you just You literally go

Do it to go and look I mean Honestly you're a fan of I am No I'm joking I'm joking But em Yeah it's helped me

Sleep a bit better Yeah It has And I've Yeah it's just Made us feel a bit better But you know At the same time

I just feel like I feel like such a hypocrite because I slagged it off so much but you're nice I know we both did it's what I do we're getting older though and part of us is like

I just want to do things to make us feel a bit better and we're at that time of life where you know you weren't meant to have kids this old yeah we we weren't meant to have kids a lot earlier

yeah yeah we waited quite a while to have kids and I just feel really fucking tired yeah and I think if I can do anything to make us feel less tired

I mean I'll not be doing this once the kids are older and moved out I'll not be getting in an ice bath in the morning will I fuck

absolutely not I'll be getting up leisurely in my own time sitting anywhere in my house to have a cup of coffee that I like

and just yeah not get told that my breath smells of coffee not have to get people ready oh when I the kids were

sitting on the sofa this morning eating and I was in the kitchen and it's like an open plan kitchen dining area so I'm not right

next to them I'm a little bit away from them tell you what you let out a sneaky fart fucking hell on hell on

sitting eating their crumpets on the sofa I'm like 10 feet away from them and I fart stop it disgusting I'm like 10 feet away from them and I fart Stop it! Disgusting! I'm fucking miles away

Speaking of, well, just wait for my beef Uncontrollable gas Oh god Babadoo babadoo babadoo So, a couple of episodes ago you had a go at us What for? Being tired and falling asleep You did, you had a go at us

for being tired and falling asleep When You did? You had a go at us for being tired and falling asleep? When? In general? Just in general. And I remember regular listeners and people who are up to date with the podcast who will know that I went straight in me notes and I wrote, keep track of when Rosie falls asleep. Okay, this was on... Saturday afternoon!

Or was it Sunday? Sunday! Sunday afternoon! This week. Sitting on the sofa. We're parenting. We're looking after the children. I'd already took them out to the swimming baths all day long. Had a lovely time with them. Then took them out for dinner and came back.

You. I'm tired. Fell asleep on the sofa. In the family room amongst the family. Yeah. What have you got to say for yourself? I was just really tired. Oh, really?

Is that why? Really tired. Yeah, I'm a bit hormonal. I'm just a bit tired. Oh, fucking, you cannot use the trump card of hormonal. Sick of that shit. Honestly,

anything that happens, oh, hormonal. No. I'd swap you in an instant. Sexism. I would love you to deal with my periods and hormones. I would,

honestly, if I could pay a monthly subscription to not feel any sort of, I would. Yeah? I would. Yeah? I would, yeah. So apologies that I shut my eyes for 20, it was literally 20 minutes. A bit longer than that.

It wasn't. Yeah, I think it was. I think it was. Anyway, speaking of swimming, so I had a little interesting interaction. Right, okay. Before you listen to this, I mean, I hope you find it funny, but I think you're a bit of a dickhead, but whatever.

I did feel bad about it afterwards. But look, so I went to the swimming pool and I didn't know what the rules were. I turned up. I went all the way there. It took fucking ages to get there. It's one a bit further away from where we live.

Yeah, it took ages to get the kids out of the house, but I took them to a new one because they won't go to our local swimming pool anymore because they claim they're bored of it now, right? I mean, what a couple of twats this is what we do this generation we do too much with our kids we do too much we do i'm sorry we do too much to the point where our children are like come and go to a different swimming pool yeah bored of that one are you fucking how dare you check your privilege check your privilege both of them actually twats both

of them said it oh yeah they did yeah yeah so i take them this other one's a bit further away it took a while took his age to get them out the house because they just don't want to go anywhere yeah got them there got the car park got them in this you know fucking trudge through get to the desk there's a queue it's a sunday it's heaving and bless her it's just their rule that they had but it's a stupid rule in my opinion but the last being the counter she was like right um how old are your kids? And without thinking, I was just like, three and eight? She was like, oh, you can't come in. I was like, what?

And she was like, you need another adult? Unless they're four and nine, or three and nine. You know, one of them needs to be a year older, you can't come in. I was like, I've come all the way here, it's took ages. She was like, no, we can't. And I was like, right, what can I do? She went, well, can you get another adult? I was like, well, what do you mean, can I get another adult? She was like, well, get another adult. And I was like, right, what can I do? She went, well, can you get another adult? I was like, well, what do you mean? Can I get another adult?

She was like, well, get another adult. Is there any way of you getting another adult? And I was like, well, what if that adult's got a kid as well? And she went, I went, how old would that kid have to be? And she went, well, what, who are you talking about? And I just turned and there was a bloke standing behind us in the queue looking at us. And he had a kid with him. And I went kid i went how old's that kid and he went 10 i went 10 all right and she went well yeah but and i just put my arm around the bloke behind us i went hello mate i haven't seen you for years come on i went what's your name again he went tony went hello tony how's it going at me hey i'm just i didn't mean as oh yeah i'm gonna

pay for tony and his kid and all of us and we're all gonna go in together and she just fucking glared at us rightly so tosser rightly so she was just like really and i was like yeah yeah me and tony man go back yes i was lovely see you he played a fucking pay tony if you're listening fair play mate because you fucking played a blinder did he play along with it the selfie gave it away a little bit but he played why did he get a that when did he get a selfie with you he went oh you went you whispered you went yeah I think you're on yeah I went

yeah yeah can I get a selfie I was like yeah okay so we got a selfie and she knew in the queue while you were peeing oh yeah while she was

getting the wristbands oh for god's sake but it was more to do with the fact that I just really moved heaven and earth

to get them two little bastards out of the house well I personally think it's a bit of a silly rule but what if I had a nine year old who couldn't swim but not just that

what if you're a single parent yeah what if you're a single parent and you want to take your kids swimming so whenever my mum has the kids she'll love taking them swimming but she hasn't been able

to do it for years yeah she can now the rules are different now a local one you can but for years you couldn't do it

crazy but then again I suppose there is there's the rules there's the rules of safety but I think again if you're a single parent what do you can but for years you couldn't do it crazy but then again i suppose there is there's the rules and the rules of safety but i think again if you're a single parent what do you do but you're not just that isn't there lifeguards for that reason and on that note at what age am i going to stop being absolutely terrified of the lifeguard whistle when does that stop every time the whistle i'm not even doing anything i'm just standing there and the whistle and i'm like, sorry!

Like, anxiety. Somebody's got a trauma there if you get it wrong. Honestly, every time, every whistle, I'm like, is it us? Is it us? It's not us, kids. Keep going.

It's not us. We're fine. Well, it's a bit scary at ours because our local swimming pool is the same ones when we were kids. Some of them. Some of them are lifeguards.

Aye. And I'm like, still going strong. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Scary. I remember you, you little shit. Yeah.

Oh, God. But yeah, look, the biggest takeaway from this, Tony, absolute legend, and I'm like still going strong yeah scary I remember you you little shit oh god but yeah look the biggest takeaway from this Tony absolute legend well done playing along maybe we'll do the selfie

next time and apologies to the lady on the desk apologies to both ladies on the desk who just looked at us and knew exactly what I was up to

but you know they did let us get away with it which I did don't say that they might get wrong they didn't let us get away with it

the hands were tied by my arseholery and I apologise but bloody hell we had a good day babadoo babadoo babadoo back Rosie

yes it's back by popular opinion by popular opinion by popular demand yes it's back do you know what's back

um no do you want something else no has it got a name different one that's not that one something else I've forgot

I've genuinely forgot that one. It's a different one. Is it the crisps? No. Quiz. No. I'm going to stop you there because I've got a funny feeling

you're going to start listing things that are better than this. Okay, well, tell us what's bad. Just a quick one, right? So many people out there wondering, wondering and yearning to know

and learn the difference between a pond and a lake. So here we go. Fucking hell, you really picked the worst one. A pond! I got more excited. I thought it was going to be like a biscuit quiz.

No. Oh, okay. A pond, a closed water structure fed by the collection of surface melt and rainwater as well as groundwater. That is, based on these definitions, a lake has a flow, albeit extremely slow, barely noticeable, but a pond does lake has a flow albeit extremely slow barely noticeable

but a pond does not have a flow thank you mr ramsey thank you so much for your ted talk but we will not be asking you back why why check oh sorry i'm sorry it wasn't very good as me wow wow that's one of the worst things said. Surely people know the difference between a pond and a lake. They're very, very different. I didn't. I was in a park. I was in a marine park the other day and I said to Rob and I said, careful, stay away from the pond.

I mean lake. I don't mean pond. I don't mean lake. Oh, what is that actually? It's a pond. It's a pond. It doesn't have a flow. Right.

Did you even fucking listen to the definition? Not really. Honestly. Not really. Honestly. Fucking big pond though, I'll give her that. Either it's a field by,

you know, it's been raining loads, it's a field by, oh, it's full of water. Full of water. Full of water. Yeah, yeah.

Pond. Mad. Pond. Surface melt. Because it's got a floor. No. Take the piss. Are you actually taking the piss?

Honestly, I've been doing it since I was at school. Don't take it personally. I don't listen. You didn't listen at all, did you? I do not listen. I really struggle to listen. So no, I didn't listen.

Didn't listen. Didn't listen. Great. Sorry. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef?

What's your beef? Right. I had to pick from two this week that are really close to my heart. Oh. So. Lucky me. You go first. right I had to pick from two this week that are really close to my heart so lucky me you go first you went out for a curry the other night

with your mates didn't put it anywhere but he does go out all the time there's no evidence of that I don't think it happened but the evidence is you nearly killed me with this

you decided to come in a little bit drunk but that's fine you decided to come in when I was in the bed, start talking to us at the side of my bed, and fart just after you'd had a curry right next to us. It was so rude.

It was so disgusting. It absolutely stank, and it was really upsetting. I felt like I could taste it, and I'd brushed my teeth, and I was ready to go to sleep. And honestly, it's just so disrespectful. It's not cool to come in and just... I'm really sorry.

Don't do it. I apologise. Yeah, that is really bad. It's horrendous. Yeah. And I feel like if I did that, you'd be mortified. You'd be devastated.

Yeah. I mean, you would do that. I would not. I wouldn't actually. Not after I just got in from a curry, I wouldn't. No, that is something you would absolutely do but i am i am sorry yeah i was standing talking you know i was just like i was like i'm in my own house i forgot you'd be your different vibe you're in a different vibe when you get in bum level as well

i'm really sorry i'm sorry all right okay what's your beef with me? My beef with you is, just short and sweet one, you've been doing this for years, it's one of my biggest pet hates in public, if I hear anyone doing it, I'll see anyone doing it. Oh. And you do it now all the time,

if like I'm on a train or something, I've spoken about it before, but you, you fucking love stirring stuff. You said this yesterday, I don't understand. When you're stirring something, you're like, I love it, mate. You're this yesterday. I don't understand. When you're stirring something, you're like,

I love it, mate. You're a go to town. Like, it's like, you're properly like, you get an all access pass to bloody stir city. Stir town. It's honestly,

it's like, you're making Robin a hot chocolate yesterday and you put it in a cup and he's like, it's like fucking Gordon Ramsay. Like, you just

absolutely go for it. Everything you stir is like scrambled eggs. I find it strange that people don't like the sound of that. I hate it. So you get really irritated by people stirring their coffee and tea. I don't mind it. I think it's quite nice. It's like a little ding-a-ling-a-ling.

Can't bear it. Chang-a-lang-a-lang. Can't fucking bear it. Chang-a-lang-a-lang. Stop that. Dang, dang. I quite like it. Hot chocolate.

When you're making a little vinaigrette or something for food or whatever you put like all your little portions you put them in a little glass cup and you're like oh god when you make a coffee come on then anything else I can hear you man I was upstairs the other day did you see he's doing the bath and I put this stuff in

did you see your bath as well? Yeah, of course I do. A fucking cauldron, like a witch. Honestly, you just... The other day I was upstairs and I can hear you downstairs just stirring. There's a question.

Do people not stir the bath? I've stirred my bath for years. You stir your bath? Mm-hmm. Really? Mm-hmm. That's really strange. You must stir your...

I'm sorry, so you put the water in? I don't stir... When you put the cold water in do you not stir it round so if I've so when we come upstairs me and the kids we'll jump around our room

like lunatics fuck off me lamps I don't know about this that's great woohoo you've really ruined you've really ruined them lamps well maybe we shouldn't have so many

so in the like it's not even just so it's not even a a fix of just getting a new lampshade it's actually you've snapped the top where the bulb goes into.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, now I'm aware what happened. Yeah, you can put the money in my bank. Right. Oh, right. Okay, good. So in the bathroom... I'm not joking.

You can. I want the money back. Oh, fuck off. Those lights don't even match. Them lamps are separate heights. One of them's like six inches shorter than the other one. Chris, they're exactly the same. Don't you dare.

They're exactly the same? No. One of those lamps is shorter than the other one, I'm telling you. They're not. They're exactly the same don't you dare they're exactly the same no one of those lamps is shorter than the other one I'm telling you they're not they're exactly the same I've changed them they used to be not matching

but now they're matching right two seconds the one that it broke is brand spanking new right you ready

I'm gonna press stop we're gonna go we're gonna check I'm not going anywhere I'm telling you oh you're not gonna go I'm telling you you can go check one

do a video but no because I'll no and if I stand up I'll go to the toilet and I can't be bothered I need the toilet

Rosie if I come back and say yeah they're not right you're never going to believe us and if I get out take a video evidence well no because then you'll say no they're not

right how are we then let's go right stop we'll be back in two seconds babadoo babadoo babadoo welcome back to Shagmire Annoyed Rosie's going to take a moment to speak

because she's just finished eating her humble pie she's finished eating her fucking words. Right, okay. How different are those lamps? There's about, there's about a two inch

height difference. They are exactly the same. They're exactly the same because we have had them, because they broke the last one. So I went to the shop and I bought a matching. It's a bigger,

you've brought a bigger version of the same designed lamp. I didn't realise. The shade is much bigger. The lamp is much wider and it's much taller. Honestly? It's like it's been inflated. Didn't even notice.

You walk around with your head up your arse. Yeah. Yeah. You're all right. Yeah. You've very much broke it still though. It doesn't matter what size it is, you've broke it. I'll be honest with you.

That was the replacement. The way, I remember specifically the way this cushion was thrown, if it was two inches smaller, it wouldn't have hit it. Shut up, you stupid moron. Oh

God, when we walked in that bedroom and you looked at them and I watched your face as you realised you were wrong. Oh, honestly, I might have ejaculated. Oh, good for you. Good, I'm glad. I might have to go and change my trousers.

That was one of the most exciting moments of my life. Don't bring me in it. Oh, brilliant. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care.

From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The first omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play.

Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. Public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it's shaggedmiredannoyed at gmail.com. Genuinely, I don't want to skirt over this every week, but genuinely, please keep sending stuff in. Thank you so much to everyone who's ever sent anything in.

It's great. I know I've said that a lot, but we've done over 250 episodes now. I'd like to refresh our gratitude. Thank you. I've only just opened this this morning. It was sent at 25 past eight, literally three hours ago today. It says, hi hi lads nice not a lad but that's fine i don't mind i don't mind listen hey 20 is it 2024 it is isn't it

no wonder you can't buy two lamps the same past no mate honestly, mate. Honestly, fuck my life. I'm in a hospital getting a procedure done and I've developed an ick. Okay. This is the ick, okay? Right. When someone is being brought back from surgery

in their bed, all sleepy looking, getting pushed by the porters. The reason this ick has come about because this person has said, seen a mint lad in admissions yesterday,

saw him this morning being wheeled back to his room. Ick. That is the most unfair. That is terrible. So he or she has seen... It's bang on though, isn't it?

It's annoyingly bang on, yeah. It's absolutely bang on. But he or she has seen a... A fit guy. A good looking guy, he or she fancies a fit guy a good looking guy it's a blog he's not wanting to be anonymous so I don't want to say but I'll tell you again

he's seen another fit lad and he's thought you're fit and the poor guy's coming back from a procedure and he's like oh look at him look at him all weak and recovering that is the fuck you but very funny but fuck you I'll bet funny. But fuck you.

Hope you get better. I'll bet you look amazing when you're getting wheeled back, you bastard. That is so funny. That's really good. Really good. But I suppose to get deep here,

evolutionary speaking, you know, that ick will come from somewhere deep down of... Oh, here it goes. No, you know, of wanting the alpha, of wanting the most fit specimen,

do you know what I'm saying? To survive. Chris, we all want the alpha until the alpha does the alpha and cheats on you because the alpha wants all of the fanny. I agree, yeah. Sorry, is that a direct quote from your science book? The Alpha Wants All the Fanny.

Coming out, is it 2024? It's 2024 now. It's coming out next year. Okay, we've got the kids book this year next year is my why why we want alphas why you'll get chat on by the alpha the the alpha wants all the funny a brief history of evolutionary science by rosie ramsey brackets what year is this brackets what year is this i'm so caught up in me um don't forget the year after that just bringing out our interior design book what year is this? I'm so caught up in me, in me, in me caveman times. Don't forget

the year after that she's bringing out our interior design book How to Buy Two Lamps that are totally different fucking sizes and not realised for six months.

It's called Eclectic by Rosie Ramsey. It's called The Lobsided Bedroom by Rosie Ramsey. Why is it brighter over here

how did I not notice them lamps guys you're a fucking fool no I'm sorry but how I'd have bet a lot of money on them being the same height

I literally thought you were stupid for saying that I was like he thinks they're different because we did have odd lamps for a little while because obviously

they broke one and they were completely different heights I thought oh my god Chris honestly well done everyone listening to this I have odd lamps for a little while because obviously they broke one and they were completely different heights. I thought, Oh God, Chris, I was, everyone listening to this knew I was going to be right.

There was no chance I was going to come back wrong from that. Some people like you live with me and you know me better than anyone, but sometimes you just forget me brand. People just forget like what, what my thing is. A friend of ours yesterday, I didn't tell you this. A friend of ours,

Vicky, she texted us yesterday and she said that her son has just got bang into Lego and she's just been is a friend of ours yesterday i didn't tell you this a friend of ours vicky she texted yesterday and she said that her son has just got bang into lego and she's just been given a load of lego off like someone a friend or a cousin or something or a brother i think i can't remember what she said but she's just been given a load of lego and the littlest one's been playing with it and she was like i was just wondering do you know like any good websites where it tells you like what to make out of random lego bricks I was like, Vicky, do you know what you're talking to? I do them by the instructions. I am Will Ferrell

from the Lego movie. I would fucking glue them if I could and if I got random Lego bricks they go in a box and I'll never see them again. The kids can play with them. Random Lego bricks.

Get in the bin. There is actually an app for that. Yeah, it's shite apparently. Robin said it was shite. Okay, cool. Yeah, shame. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Hi Rosie and Chris.

Just listening to episode 257, where you were chatting about which items are now in security boxes in the supermarkets. I may be able to shed some light on why condoms specifically are boxed up. Sorry, 257? What is it now? We're doing episode 256 now.

Unless I've got it wrong. Probably. No! You get a lot of things wrong. How dare you? Them lamps are the same size. Oh, yeah. No, this is...

Oh, no, this episode is 258. Yeah, you idiot. I've got this wrong. This is episode 258. See why we had to go check the lamps, everybody? Oh, my God. I've done it wrong at the beginning. Oh, my God.

Oh, no, Chris. Oh, God. What's going to happen? The world's going to explode and then I'll write a Oh my God. Oh no, Chris. Oh God. What's going to happen? The world's going to explode and then I'll write a book about it. All right, aye. Does that not bother you? What?

At the beginning of the episode, I've said it's episode 256, but it's not. It doesn't bother me at all. Oh God. Oh Jesus Christ. Oh well. All right.

What's going to happen? What's going to happen? What are you catastrophizing? What's going to happen? Because you've said that wrong. Okay, what's going to happen now is people are going to turn it on. They're going to start listening. I'm going to say, What are you catastrophizing? What's going to happen? Because you've said that wrong. People are going to, okay, what's going to happen now is people are going to turn it on. They're going to start listening.

I'm going to say, hey, it's episode 256. Oh, so you've lost all the listeners. And they're all going to go, oh, well, this is all, and they're going to go back and then they're going to, and we're going to use all this.

Well, it's over. As a podcast listener, I've listened to half a podcast before and gone, I think I've listened to this. Don't worry about it. I think we're all right. The title will still say, in fact, we'll queue it up in the title

it'll be episode it'll be called this episode will be called episode 258 brackets not 256 Chris that's what we'll call

the episode sorted I don't want to call it that fixed it hard lines hard lines hard lines can you

tell me all you're gonna have to read it all again because as soon as I heard that number I switched off you're gonna have to read everything again you think as soon as I heard that number I switched off you're gonna have to read everything again

you think I walk around with my head up my arse I was trying to solve a problem there it's nicer having your head up your arse than just having

your head in everything like do you know what I mean it's lovely being unaware of stuff I didn't think you would have an analogy there

but you've actually nailed me you've got your head up your arse, I've got my head in everything. Yeah, that's it. We were chatting about why certain items are kept in security boxes in the supermarket.

Oh yes, of course, condoms, yeah. I might be able to shed some light on why condoms specifically are boxed up. Okay. It is less to prevent thievery and more to do with them being tampered with. Oh no. I used to know a lad who worked a night shift

in a large supermarket chain stacking shelves and he would purposely stick pins through the condom packets and then return them to the shelves ready for some poor bugger to put them on none the wiser. You piece of shit. I dread to think how many unplanned pregnancies this man caused.

Oh. I know. That's such a sad thing. I mean, when everyone went around, was it during the pandemic or before the pandemic, when everyone went around in America opening ice cream in the supermarket, licking it and putting it back

and then loads of them got arrested for it. Oh, wasn't that on TikTok? So that and eating Tide Pods, like detergent, all came about at the same time. Remember that? Who's been eating them? Remember they were eating detergent? No, I don't remember that. You know the pods where you throw in the same time. Remember that? Who's been eating them? Remember they were eating detergent?

No, I don't remember that. You know the pods where you throw in the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who was eating them? Tossers. Why? Wankers. See title.

Tossers, wankers. Because they're idiots. They're literally... I'm sure in America they had to put a thing out saying, stop fucking eating these idiots, you're going to die. There's no appeal for that, though. Well, it was just, oh, I ate it, it was disgusting. But it can make you really ill.

Yeah, it's washing detergent. And then similarly, at the same time, when COVID was happening, didn't Donald Trump say, can't you... Bleach, drink bleach. Bleach cleans it, so come on, not just drink bleach. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's episode 258.

I mean, I do have branding on us from when I did a smiley face with the lighter. So we've all done silly things. You didn't even do a smiley face with the lighter. You did the stupid one. It went completely wrong. That looks like a cold can top. Well, no, it got infected.

Awful. Bad times. Awful. Awful. That condom thing, that's an ongoing storyline on F is for Family on Netflix. Okay, what do you mean?

There's just a character, a really funny character, who he stocks condom machines, but he puts a hole in every fourth or fifth one really funny character who um he he stalked condo machines but he puts a hole in every sort of fourth or fifth whenever we see someone who's got a kid he's like and he like runs off screen it's really funny but it's stupid but i didn't think it's really sad that people actually do that it's actually quite hard to get pregnant you know really yeah for some people no in general like it's actually a very small window yeah to get pregnant yeah i think people just hit it by luck, by fluke?

Usually. Obviously, when you're younger, you've got a lot more chance to get pregnant. But when we were trying for Rafe, I obviously looked into it properly. And it's a really small little window. Yeah. You've got to be quite precise. We shoot to scores. Yeah, well done.

Thank you. I don't think you've said well done for that. Thank you. I appreciate we go. He shoots his scores. Yeah, well done. Thank you. I don't think you've said well done for that. Thank you. I appreciate that. That's not a... Said it. Said it. Thank you.

Thank you. I feel seen. You're ridiculous. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Okay, this next one is like a first date shopping ick. Because we've been talking about first dates and stuff. First date shopping. So then shopping on a first date.

Tell me more. Hello, Chris and Rosie. Hello from newcastle okay please keep me anonymous my best friend listens and i can't cope with the grief i'd get oh wow he's shaming me he actually is shaming with it just been catching up on the podcast and i just listened to episode 255 where chris suggested going on a first date to buy shoes in a shopping center if you have nothing to do here's one for you but it is also a massive ick and maybe a good rosie's mysteries for chris to going on a first date to buy shoes in a shopping centre if you have nothing to do. Here's one for you, but it's also a massive ick and maybe a good Rosie's Mysteries for Chris to guess at. Oh, okay.

After spending six months on Tinder, I finally gave up and decided that I'd let one of the guys I was chatting to a chance to meet in person. Oh, that's quite a long time after six months, isn't it? Six months of just chatting? That must be some kind of Tinder record. That is really good. Holy heavens.

I've never done dating apps before, so I had no idea what to expect. Sorry, I'll tell you what to expect. Normally, Tinder, people are shagging within 20 minutes, so fucking hell, well played. It's pretty good, isn't it? My word. He asked what I wanted to do,

which I said we could go for a drink or something to eat. In general conversation, I mentioned that I fancy going to the Metro Centre at some point to which he said, well, let's go at the weekend. The Metro Centre, if you don't know, is a really big shopping centre in Gateshead. It was once the biggest in Europe.

It's not anymore. We've banged that drum a few times. It's not anymore. It was really cool though. It was when we were younger. I still like it. I love the Metro Centre. Yeah, they got rid of the fairground in there

which I personally don't think they should have ever done. Metroland OIP shouldn't have done it. Whatever. I thought, well, fair enough, there's food strength area. There is. Very nice. Saturday comes and I travel to the Metro Centre and meet up with, let's call him Cameron.

Oh, that's a good name. Normally it's like John or Bob or Dave. No, it's quite good, isn't it? Cameron. Cameron. Cam, for sure. I quite like the name Cameron, actually. Yeah.

Things were very awkward at first with the northeast people being typical psychopaths oh in the metro centre that's a bit harsh they went on the weekend didn't they

yeah they went on the weekend though didn't they yeah as a fair share not as they were on the weekend great I mean we were there definitely

general public innit yeah so I asked him if he fancied going to get some food so he could be more comfortable to which he said yes I do

but I need to pick up some new shoes first. Not thinking anything of it. We wandered to Sports Direct, up the escalators to the running shoes area. So he's a runner, which is quite nice. That's good. Yeah. Cam run.

Cam run. Can run. There it is. There you go. Cameron then walks over and starts gazing at all these running shoes like a kid in a toy shop. Oh, God. Right.

Big smile on his face, picking up multiple pairs of shoes, struggling to hold them. I'm sat patiently waiting for him to get his shoes so we can leave. Sorry, he's struggling to hold them because he's got so many. Yeah, he's getting all the samples. He's got, like, arms full. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a fucking pretty woman.

Next thing I know, he sits down next to me with none of the shoes and tells me, ah, the guy's gone to get them. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Sat in silence, I glance over and see a Sports Direct staff member heading towards us with six boxes and puts them down right in front of Cameron. At this point, I was literally sick in my mouth.

Why? He then opens all the boxes in front of him proceeding to try them on just when you think it couldn't get any worse right mysteries mysteries mysteries i mean okay i don't think that's that bad i haven't been on the dating scene for a long time it's excessive at worst i believe take rosie ramsey now at 37 years old. If somebody brought over six pairs of shoes, I'd go, are you mad? No, Rosie,

take you now. If you went, shall we go for something to eat? And he went, I'm going to get shoes first. You go, no, you're fucking not, mate. This date will end very soon.

Well, you get a fucking sausage roll on the way is what you're doing, big lad, is what you would say. Back in the day, though, I might have sat through that. What else did I have to do? What did I have to get home first of all i can't remember when i did i suggest this or did i just say quite a nice thing get something yeah yeah i think you did yeah well night naively right well i mean i didn't say go to fuck what's he doing he's outfitting

a football team here um Six is very excessive. Very, very excessive. Yeah, I would have said two or three. Going with someone, if I'm out with my mates, I mean, I can't remember the last time I went to the shops with my mates. I can't bear waiting for other people in shops.

In fact, I've answered my own question. No, I'd fucking hate it. I'll go back on whatever I said. Similar to the ice bath. If you were with a girl though, and you thought you were getting a shag at the end of it, would you sit through it by trying on six pairs of shoes?

Six pairs of shoes? No, definitely not. Would you not? No way. No way. Not on a first date. If they're getting six pairs of shoes on the first date, what are they going to be doing two years down the line?

Two years down the line, you're going to be sitting in a car park at the medical centre for eight hours while you wait for them. Do you know what I mean? Six pairs of shoes on the first date. By the way though, it gets worse. It gets worse, right. What do you think

happens? Can't they analyse your run in there? Have I nailed it? I'm sure they're going to analyse your run. I'm sure you go on the treadmill and run and they look at how you're running. This might be the first one you've ever got right. Yes! Come on! Oh my God. Right, listen to this. He then walks over with his first pair

onto the little area that has a treadmill and starts testing every pair of shoes on the treadmill with the Sports Direct member of staff giving him a full rundown on each shoe and how they felt and what they did. Fucking hell. It was almost an hour I spent in Sports Direct while Cameron tried all his shoes on.

No. By this point, I text my dad and asked him to text me, giving me a reason to come home. When Cameron came over after his 10-mile run, he asked if I was ready for food and said yes

and looked at my phone and said, oh, my dad's text me. When opening the text message, my dad had sent... When opening the text message, my dad had sent... When opening the text message, my dad had sent, all it said was, guinea pig has died. I need you to come home. Let's just say I've never seen Cameron again.

Oh, poor Cameron. Cameron. Cameron. Cameron. Oh, poor Cameron. Cameron. Cameron. Oh, my God. Oh, that had everything. That story had everything. Oh, my God. I think it's very selfish

to use the treadmill on the first date. Stupid prick. What an ache. That's so bad. It's showing off, isn't it? Well, he wanted to show off at your point.

That's what he, he obviously thinks running's really, really impressive. So, what's he wearing? What do you mean? What's he got on? Well, he's impressive so what's he wearing what do you mean what's he got on well he's got normal shoes

oh clothes you mean yeah well he's got jeans on what's he got on he's on a date at the metro centre what's he wearing he's gonna be beefing isn't he he's gonna be sweating

well we know now depending on their age we've seen all these people on dates we said this through their week they're all in they're all in black hoodies and and

nightgown maxes and shorts true true true you probably wouldn't have realised yeah but I can't get away with blokes like you know You probably wouldn't have Yeah, but I can't get away with blokes, like, you know, Rocky, like in his sweatpants. Yeah, yeah.

I can't get away with that. Yeah, sweatpants when you see their dick. Guys, your dicks look horrible. Your dicks look awful in them horrible sweatpants. And I'm a man, right, of two boys

and I'm 37 years old and I'm looking at your crotch when I'm walking past you because you all touch it. There's black marks all over your dick and I'm looking and I can see the outline

of your penis I want to be physically sick there it is and then I look at the girl you're with and I go tell him to get them sweatpants off

horrible there it is sorry that's just how I feel about it you're totally right I'm looking at young man's dicks when I'm out well maybe

you should fucking stop I can't stop looking you horrible old pervert it's the same it's the same as women with really really see through leggings young man's dicks when I'm out? Well, maybe you should fucking stop. I can't stop looking. You horrible old pervert. It's the same. It's the same as women with really, really see-through leggings. You can't not look.

Yeah. Flesh-coloured, outside-of-the-arse leggings. Or black, really see-through. I can see your underwear. Yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. Oh, Cameron.

Six pairs of trainers. He's obviously like, oh, by the way, I don't know if you've noticed, but I run a bit. You ever heard of park run? Yeah. Yeah, I do that. How many steps have I done in a day?

Fucking pathetic. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I have a shit story for you. Should we do the theme? Oh, absolutely. Yeah? Yeah. Let's talk about shit, baby.

Let's talk about poo and wee Let's talk about all the good shits And the bad shits That have been Let's talk about shit Let's talk about shit With a little bit of shit Let's talk about shit

Shag married an Australian shit Oh it's going to do me Sorry Oh god That's tragic Sorry Shag Meriden? Shit.

He didn't harmonize. Okay, I'll try again. Shag Meriden, shit. Go up. You go up. Do you want to do the tune? I'll do the harmony. No, I don't want to start.

I'll be honest with you. Whenever I get it right, it's a total fluke. And now I've really put myself on the spot. You go shit. Okay. All right, ready? Shag Meriden, shit. Yeah, that was all right. You go, shit. Okay. All right, ready? Shag, Marion and shit. Yeah, that was all right.

Yeah, well done. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. Right. Do I get through the judges' houses? Simon Brady. No. It's always been my dream.

Many years ago, mid-80s, I was serving in the Royal Namy. Namy. Royal Namy. Royal Namy, Namy. Royal Namy. You want to go? You're going the Royal Namy Royal Namy Royal Namy Royal Namy You want to go You got little booties In the Royal Namy

You got your little Uniform on in the Royal Namy Yeah Stop In the Namy in the namey you can say the stem and sneeze in the namey so offensive to everyone

who served in the navy but carry on right okay so he's in the royal namey on a circum what is it circum navigation of the world what the hell is that? Going around the world, you fucking... Oh, my God.

Circumnavigating the globe. Going around the world. Nobody's used these words since the 80s, man. Get over yourself in there, Nene. We'd stopped in Sydney, Australia. The local girls were extremely friendly. Even an ugly sod like myself managed to trap three times. That's one of the worst things I've ever heard in my life.

I think that means, like, shag, get a book. What a... Booking. Trap? What an awful, unnecessary word for sex. It's not great, is it? But, you know. Change your lingo, dude.

He's an ugly sod and he's managed to pull three times, so he's buzzing. He's probably moved there. He probably lives there now. Probably does. All right. Anyways, back to the shit. One of the lads had copped off with a local girl.

She took him back to her apartment. He was slightly hammered, but managed to fly the flag for England and did the deed. Several times, if you would believe him. That's better lingo. Fly the flag for England. We'll have that instead of trap, you pervert. He said here, several times, if you would believe him. We didn't.

Got you. Yeah, I don't believe that you know i'm really upset with like films and especially like gray's anatomy right they're always up for a shag yeah and even though they're knackered yeah they're knackered they're always in non-call room and i really find it very unprofessional and then they always make snidey comments like um three times i'm like you didn't fucking you didn't have sex three times you work 36 hour shifts i'm sorry you're not shagging three times in a row maybe maybe it's getting over the trauma of working there oh i just don't believe it um okay are you and sorry

are you a nurse or a doctor who does uh long shifts like that because i know apparently the police shag each other all the time so maybe they do as well write in please let me know well they're not actually together they have an affair who? the police usually oh yeah yeah yeah that's the crack the people on greys

are like a couple married couples and stuff oh married couples who work together yeah it's bullshit I haven't listened to the full thing but Diary of a CEO

had a brilliant wrestling podcast on where this is a terrible way you should know people's names but there's a sex specialist on she was really very knowledgeable or was a woman in it yeah it's never been where, this is a terrible way, you should know people's names, but there's a sex specialist on.

She was really, she was very knowledgeable. Always a woman in it. Yeah. It's never been, I've never seen an interview where there's a sex specialist and it's like, all right,

this is Darren, he's a sex specialist. Have you not? No, it's always. No, there is some with men. Really?

Yeah. She was just very much, she really interested in where she was like, it's, we just, we watch things where sex on tv and in movies is like it's always lust and it's always very like passion and of the moment that's not how we live our lives yeah we don't like you know our lives are as humans are quite

mundane and not that exciting so you're not you don't get overcome by passion in real life and that's why sometimes you think your sex life's a bit shit because you're like why is it not like that because that's that's made up those people aren't even in relationship like it's fake yeah but we've watched that for years and years and years and we think that that's real okay that's interesting yeah yeah yeah our sex life is always better when we're not in the humdrum of our life right does that make sense yes because you haven't got the pressures and you know i know what you mean yeah so there we go what's that on diary of a ceo i'm not listening right what were you saying okay so he's copped off with a local

girl gone back to her apartment got ya in the morning he woke up and found himself all alone in bed he joined the royal

Nemi and he's all alone in his bed no he wandered around and could find no trace of the young lady

she's nowhere to be seen. This is not what I tried to do. Right, no one knows what you're saying now. She could find no trace of the young lady. She was nowhere to be seen. She was nowhere to be seen. No idea why, but this set him off. What do you mean?

He assumed she had abandoned him to fend for himself. He's kicking off. He's kicking off. He's having a little paddy. He wanted a morning cuddle. Hey, listen, men want morning cuddles too. Well, he thought that she'd just fucked off. Right. He's kicking off. He's kicking off. He's having a little paddy and he's not very happy. Hey listen, men want morning cuddles too. Well he thought

that she'd just fucked off. Right. And left him. Right. Which I hadn't. Well listen to the story. Okay then.

Pissed off, he decided to show her and curled one down in the centre of the double bed. No man, a dirty protest. Yeah.

Right. Little baby booba booba. Right. And little poopoba booba. Right. And little poopy in the mild navy. Folded back the duvet and got dressed. So, shat in a bed. Shat in a bed. It sounds awful to me.

He's just about to walk out the door when in she comes, carrying milk, daily papers and a take-out breakfast for them both. Now, I know. Now, he's no animal, so he decided to do the right thing. Made the tea, ate the breakfast, and had her order a taxi

to take him back to the port with the daily paper. Poor lass, I can't imagine her surprise when she went to make the bed. So he just shuffled her out the room? He basically ate the breakfast and took a paper

and then left. Oh, the balls on that foot. Hor probably never say her again because they'll be gone see if that was me i'd be sitting there drinking my coffee every two or whatever and she'll be like you're all right you're shaking i'll be like yeah because you're a nice guy i'm just gonna pop don't go upstairs what do you need i'll go and get it you wouldn't shit in someone's bed. I wouldn't be able to do that, I wouldn't be able to shit in someone's bed. So again, when people say the shit places,

so my problem is right, and I'm going to get a little bit gross here, and into the details, but I'm sure a lot of people listening, whenever it's something like this, or eventually, well you know, I went to a hotel,

I have a shit in the kettle, or you know, I did this, so I shat in his this, I shat in his that, I always piss as well, when I have a shit. Right.

You know, I'm sorry if I covered this on Radio 4 recently and I'm going over stuff that have already been said or maybe on Question Time. But do you know what I mean? You always wee a bit. Like, so you didn't just shit. It's disgusting.

It's vile. It's minging. So there was, let's be honest here, unless he's, I don't understand these people who can just like knock one out and it's just out of one exit because there's always wee going everywhere at the same time. So it's just carnage. So he's shat just like knock one out and it's just out of one exit because there's always wee going everywhere at the same time.

So it's just carnage. So he's shat and pissed in her bed and he's called her. One, it's in her house. So of course she didn't leave him. What, so he lives there now. One, he's pathetic. He woke up, he had anxiety.

He got sad. He's away from home maybe. He wanted a little cuddle. He's lashed out like an idiot. He's pooed and wee, let's be honest, in the bed anatomy he's stolen a breakfast

from her god almighty I hope he didn't leave any so what if she was like let's keep in touch he must have just given the wrong number and the wrong email address

because you can't be like he sounds to me like an awful rotten horrible man yeah wow it's an interesting story still took the morning paper

yeah what a bastard horrible could have took the bed sheets with him and all could have it's gonna take

these to remember you by I can smell you oh god stop babadoo babadoo babadoo bab as always thank you for listening to

this week's episode of Shagged Maridonoid which is part of the Acast Creator Network yes it is indeed thank you so much for listening to this which has been

episode 258 if you thought anything different than that you're obviously some kind of moron uh if you want to send anything it's shagmode and audit gmail.com we'll be back in the years next week thank you thank you bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by rishi kesh her way the visionary behind the groundbreaking song exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring,

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