Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 259. The Constant Gardener

Episode Date: March 8, 2024

On the podcast this week Chris and Rosie talk about an office run through they attended, phone charger beefs, Chris shitting himself AND Chris has another Quiz for Rosie, play along and let us know how you do! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag Mardenoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. This is episode 259. It is. Oh, I don't need to help you a lot. Hello, you're listening to Shag Maradonoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey.

This is episode 259. It is. Oh, I normally tell people that. No, it's going to kill you. You fucking arsehole. It's actually going to upset you that I've done that. Is that going to upset you? Yeah, a little bit. I'm already upset because you just did your thing where

people who've been listening to this a long time and know what we're like, for me to get in the mood, I need to just have a bit of quiet and get ready, whereas Rosie just needs to scream and shout and go on like a total knob. What were you just doing? Some kind of country singer voice into the microphone?

Well, actually, it's Beyonce's new song, which is in the country style, Christopher. Oh, God. But it's been all over Instagram and TikTok and that, but it's only like 30 seconds of the song, so I only know that. I haven't listened to the full song, but it's like,

I haven't listened to the full song. Woo! In a hole in my... Yes! Maybe I can't. Down, down, down, down. Wow. Get your keys over.

Sounds great. Go with your Lexus. And then that's... Chris? What? That's all I know. Because then the video stops. Oh no, there is a little bit of like...

That's all I know. Because then the video stops. Oh no, there is a little bit of like... Could Beyonce sue us for what you're doing here by describing her song as that fucking noise? She might get in touch and be like, hiya, do you want to back and sing it? And I'll go fucking absolutely... Or she's phoning you and saying,

can she be your backing singer? No, I'll be hers. Oh, right, okay. Fair enough. I thought your ego had gone crazy there. Right, okay. Imagine. It's a mad thing now, isn't it?

Where songs now become like, it's like the song from TikTok before it's actually in the charts. Okay, so. Started with The Weeknd.

Yeah. Didn't watch The Brits this year, but I imagine if I had, all of the people on there would be TikTok people. Like the songs are on TikTok. Yeah.

Well, I'm so old. We didn't even get invited to the Brits. We are so fucking sad and pathetic. We don't get invited to the Brits. We're not cool. We're not cool. Not cool at all. Do you want that married couple who've got a podcast but argue about each other?

Absolutely not. They are not. Talk about their kids all the time. They are not Brits. Rosie, five years ago when I went to the Brits, they didn't give two fucks about us. I'm not going now. For the Brits, we are over the hill. It's like I say, man, whenever I watch the UFC,

it's always like, oh, this guy's a veteran. He's been in the game a long time. 32. I'm like, fucking hell, man. Why do you have to bring the UFC? It's got nothing to do with the UFC. It's to do with watching things and enjoying things where the demographic is so much younger than what you are.

Honestly, I'm going to get back into golf. I'll be able to do that when i'm fucking 70 odd like what the hell am i doing no no what am i doing doing jujitsu we're literally in fucking 10 years time i'm not gonna be able to do it anymore do you know i mean what am i playing at and golf god i'll be i'll go to the golf course right and all the blokes will be like hello young man hello young fella hello lad and i'll be like oh damn right young man. Hello, young fella. Hello, lad. And I'll be like, oh, damn right. And I'll go to the mayor. I'll go, hey, there's this thing called the Brits. Did you see it?

And they'll go, no. And I'll go, ah, da-da-da-da. Hey, aren't we great mates? Me and me and friends, I don't know if you guys know this, but I am now on the committee of my local operatic society, Amadou Operatic Society.

Awful, by the way. Well, basically, all my best, it's where I met my best friends when I was 15. So I've rejoinedined I'm on the committee on the committee so you're a committee woman I'm a committee cunt yeah

you're a committee woman fully blown on the committee Steph's chair my goodness my best mate Steph she's the chair lady does that mean everyone sits on her

no she's just chair that means she gets the chairs in she's chair of the board does that mean she pulls all the chairs into the committee

shut your fucking mouth, right? On my own podcast! Shut my mouth on my own podcast! How dare you? Who says podcast? I don't know. I love it. I imagine that the committee

would say podcast. I imagine you and your committee sit around and they go, right, how come my mate, the singing committee, you're a bit bigger. I go, well, I i've heard podcasts are big maybe we should do a podcast let's do a podcast yeah we should anyway one of the main reasons why i rejoined yeah oh god no one asked oh well i'm telling you so because we joined when we're like 15 right obviously

most of us now are definitely late 30s a couple early 30s we've all got kids we're all older it's just a little hobby right wednesday night it's lovely um the older generation who've been there since i was 15 yeah they call us the young ones wow we're the young ones it's all relative and it's honestly it's a really good feeling being called yeah just just i just love going and they go well the young ones can do that when i go yes we can yeah we will us young ones so you go there and we call the young ones yeah well that'll be why i'm gonna start taking up golf again to be the young one yeah we are looking for new members yeah preferably blokes because we haven't got many men okay and

um they're probably going to be a lot younger so are you trolling for blokes on our podcast maybe i am maybe i am on the podcast looking for blokes on our podcast? Maybe I am. Maybe I am on the podcast looking for blokes for me. I'm at a dramatic society. Did I not tell you? What are you going to do about it? Did I tell you when I went to the driving range with my mate, a mate of mine,

a lad I grew up with, he's fucking unbelievable at golf. He's amazing. And he said, I'll come to the driving range and I'll try and fix you because I'm shite at it. This was a while ago.

And he was standing and he looked up and I was about to take a shot and I was looking down and he went oh there's a couple of lads from the course like from the golf course

or the club a couple of lads from the club or whatever I knew what he meant two golf fellas and I looked up as he said there's a couple of lads

swear to god there must have been early 80s both of them swear to god he was like there's a couple of lads and I was like fuck

the lads the rules have gone out the window in this place Christ alive look forward to that so you're the youngins I'll be one couple of lads and I was like fuck the lads the rules have gone out the window in this place Christ alive look forward to that so you're the young'uns I'll be one of the lads up there

and if we turned up with the Brits it would be who are those two old fuckers I know and why don't they know any of the songs or the artists

yeah although there were some people who were older than us there I'm not gonna lie but you know ah well anyway we're not bit there

I hope I had a lovely bloody time listen as my wife rudely stepped on my toes and said earlier in the podcast, it's episode 259. I love podcast.

Yeah, yeah. I do love podcast. I think podcast will stay. It's episode 259. Thank you for coming. Thank you for being here. In your face. So subscribe, please.

We've been told to ask you to subscribe. Oh, yeah. We don't do that enough. Or whatever you do. Like, follow, please. We've been told to ask us to subscribe. Oh yeah, we don't do that enough. Or whatever you do. Like, follow, subscribe. Yes. Well, it means, sorry.

No, go on. Go on. No, just, go on. Just fucking grab the reins of everything today. It's half my podcast. Right?

There's no committee here, right? You dick. Come on. What are you going to say? No, just, if you follow, like and subscribe,

it means that you'll get the, you'll get more episodes to your phone. So, every show I listen to, I follow the show so that you do get them all

and then you can listen to them like in order if you want. Yeah. It just means that you don't have to put into the thing search bar all the time, Shagman. It just comes on your phone.

Yeah. So, please subscribe because basically, apparently, and it's quite good for us but yeah it's really good for us it helps the show a lot and apparently apple have changed something or the podcast people have changed something cards on the table cards on the table here someone was telling us it yesterday i completely switched off as they were telling us uh and then my manager it was rosie's manager but um it went through both of our heads completely she was like

oh Apple have changed this thing because was iOS mentioned or something something about iOS I switched off then I switched back on and she said

I've got an email with all of this information on do you want us to send you it I begged her not to so hopefully she's not going to send us that long and short of it just subscribe

or follow or whatever the fuck it is you do or rate it or it would be great I don't if you don't it is you do or rate it or it would be great I don't if you don't want it nah take a couple of seconds it would be great we're here for you

don't be bullied into it don't be bullied into anything don't do anything you don't want to do I'm asking nicely right now speaking of bullying it's time for this week's

lucrative lucrative sponsor wow I may have done this before not sure but it's back in the forefront of my life seems to be happening

quite a lot yeah so here it is again topical this week's sponsor is people telling you you look like shit oh hey

right I know might have been the sponsor before but I don't care it's getting relentless don't know what I've done don't know what's happened don't know

one don't know what I've done to make myself look so much like shit slash and or tired also don't know what I've done to make myself look so much like shit slash and or tired. Also don't know what I'm doing to actively invite these unsolicited reviews from strangers. Just anyone who meets us. Don't know why.

Anyone. Friends, colleagues, fucking strangers. Oh, you look tired. Oh, you look like shit. I went to the Sainsbury's the other day. Broke. I must have sported the fucker twice. The guy who works there. Nice guy. I must have sported the fucker twice. The guy who works there. Nice guy.

I must have sported him twice in my whole life. Three times maybe. I walked in. He went, hello. Oh, you look tired. Like he didn't even finish. Hello. He didn't finish.

Hello. Oh, you look tired. Fucking. Three. There could be three reasons. Can I go through? Right. Okay.

First reason could be you are on the telly usually where you've got makeup on. Right. And you look a lot better. I've never worn makeup in my life, but okay, what I've had, that's strange. You do. You wear it on the telly. Never. You do.

Shut up. Right, okay. So you look a lot better on the telly. Oh, yeah. The telly does make men usually look a lot nicer. Okay. Right? Okay.

Second thing. Yeah. You have lost a lot of weight recently. Right. Look a lot nicer. Okay. Okay. Second thing. Yeah. You have lost a lot of weight recently. Right. Look a little bit gaunt. Great. Just going to put it out there. I'm your wife.

I can say this, right? Excellent. Thank you. Horrendous. Ick. Ickity-ick. Ick, ick, ick, ick. Jealous.

You've got massively. Your metabolism's off the charts. It's ridiculous. I wish I could bottle your metabolism and drink it for like a shake a day. You won't drink it. You'd put it in have you drank my metabolism. Probably. Thirdly, I think people nowadays just are dicks.

I think the world has bred a lot of dick-headishness and people have forgot manners. Okay. So it could be that. I don't know. Genuinely, I know me and everyone listening thought the third one would be another stab at me. So that's, I'm happy with that third one.

Thought the third one would be another attack at me. What do you mean? Just another thing at me, like you've lost loads of weight or something else about you. But no, it's not. It's good. Thank you.

I think, I don't think, right, okay, I'm your wife and my opinion is the one that matters the most, I would like to think. Arrogant, but fair enough.

Excuse me? I'm joking. That's ridiculous. She got really angry there, didn't you hear that? I know, but you know, sometimes when I'm feeling really unconfident about the way I look and I'm really having That's ridiculous. I got really angry there. Did you hear that? I know, but you know, sometimes when I'm feeling really unconfident

about the way I look and I'm really having a bad time, I sometimes think, well, I'm married and he loves her so I don't really care what anyone else thinks. So there you go.

Yeah. All right? So I'm your wife and my opinion is the only one that matters. Yeah. And you're married. Right. I don't know what everyone's saying.

Apart from when you just said I looked a bit gaunt. Well, you have lost, that's the thing. That's what people mean. Right. So, you know that's the thing. That's what people mean, okay? So, you know when people get poorly? Do you know when people are quite poorly? No, I'm not on illness level weight loss.

Oh, you've lost loads of weight. You've lost loads of weight. It doesn't take you much to lose weight, right? So you've been going to BJJ, which is like two hours solid exercise. You've been skipping meals and having your stupid daft shakes, right? You've got a shit hot metabolism. You daft shakes right um you've got a shit hot metabolism you you lose weight really easily you've not been drinking as much alcohol alcohol you have lost a lot of weight all right jesus some people might think you're not well

it's all i'm saying wow okay okay and i think that's what people mean home truths wow home truths what god well just because as well, because I thought that... But you actually... Sorry. Just... Sorry. But you're really... You're at the peak of your health.

You're the best you've ever felt and you're the best you've ever been. Best I've ever felt. Best I've ever looked. I just don't know why I just look tired all the time. I'm sleeping better than I ever have. Fucking should have seen us on tour

back in the day. I know. Jesus. I wonder what... I don't know what it is, Chris. I don't know. Maybe you just don't need to worry about... You're getting older, you know.

I think I invite it. I just think... I don't know what it is. Well, you're't know. Maybe you just don't need to worry about it. You're getting older, you know. I think I invited. I just don't know what it is. Well, you're a dick. You're actually a bit of a prick. So you might have said something really awful to him in the past, not even realising. Oh, wow. So it's a vendetta.

So everyone's getting back at us now. He might have been like, I'm sorry, dickhead. You go to the bloody swimming baths and pretend to be mates with Tony behind you just to get in. Yeah, that is. Yeah, I am an arsehole. Yeah, I am an arsehole in public.

Exactly. So people are getting you back. Okay.. Yeah, that is. Yeah, I am an arsehole. Yeah, I am an arsehole in public, yeah. So people are getting you back. Okay, well, there we go. And just because I thought this sponsor might have been done before and I thought maybe that might have been

trodden ground before, we actually have another associate sponsor this week as well, if you'd like to hear the associate sponsor. Do I have to? It's people telling you you look like shit

brought to you in part in association with Rosie's new friends. Ooh, Paddy, Joel. Oh, Sir Lenny Henry. Pathetic. Pathetic. Right, okay.

You only mentioned the blokes. You'll come crawling back. Oh, Maya Jama. Oh, yeah. Davina. Davina. Oh, what's his name? Doctor Who's on there as well.

Oh. Yeah. David Tennant. Oh, look at me. Sad, right? Pathetic. Are you jealous? No, I'm very, very proud of you. Very well done. on there as well oh David Tennant oh look at me sad right pathetic are you jealous

no I'm very very proud of you very well done as this goes out Friday erm no it's next week it's not this week it's next week

Rosie will be one of the main hosts of Comic Relief can't listen very proud of you can you believe it I absolutely can can you

I absolutely can thanks mate of course I can you're very talented I can't it's going to be a I absolutely can thanks mate of course I can you're very talented I can't it's going to be a great night for a great cause and I can't wait

to go online and say she looks like shit great can't wait to hear it she looks knackered good job but you look knackered

can't wait I'm already having a nightmare with what I'm wearing but that's just my life don't worry about it man just do a good job no I'm I'm buzzing i'm

absolutely amazing i know everyone listening is proud of you as well we're all proud of you well done thank you we're proud listen i was on them coattails for a bit i was still still still nah i think them coattails are i've got my own coattails now Who's going to hang off mine? Me, I'm going to retire It's going to be amazing The more jobs you get Mate, we're nowhere near that pet But I'm buzzing I am apparently knackered

Anyway, long intro Let's play that jingle Yes, let's go We had a fight about the jingle Jingle We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married and Annoyed. It's just lovely to have you back as always. Thank you for listening. Great to have you.

Thank you. We've had a busy little week. Another one of them annoying things that we can't really say much on, but we went down and did a run through for a TV show, didn't we? We did. And if you don't mind me telling them, can I tell everyone the crack? What? That you didn't know what a run through was.

Oh. What? That you didn't know what a run-through was. Oh. So, sometimes in this life, Chris forgets that there's a lot of things in this industry that I have yet to do. Live television being one of them. Yeah.

Hashtag shit me pants. You've got that next week. That'll be fine. Fuck, as if I'm going to do live telly, Chris. What the fuck am I going to do? It's a piece of piss. Not say fuck. That's what I did.

Yeah, 100%. It's a piece of piss because you don't have to redo it. Remember Strictly. You came and saw Strictly that live show that Saturday night live show of Strictly runs to time bang bang bang

anyone stumbles a word you just go oh you know it's lovely to hear you ranting I mean dancing done no one cares and the second one

on the Sunday that they record afterwards you're not meant to tell people that oh fucking hell you're an idiot if you don't know what records after people don't know the Sunday records straight after and it gets played out on the Sunday that they record afterwards. You're not meant to tell people that. Oh, fucking hell, you're an idiot if you don't know what records after. People don't know.

The Sunday records straight after and it gets played out on the Sunday. What, do you think they'll come back the next day and put all of that

makeup on again? Come on. They'll do. No. So, if you say, oh, it's a pleasure to be ranting, I mean dancing,

oh, 20 minute reset. You'll do it again. Yeah, crazy. Just, you know, you're with Davina. Yeah. They're all amazing take Davina's words from Big Brother

what was it you're live on channel 4 please don't say fuck a bugger don't say fuck a bugger no that wasn't her she didn't say that

no that was Bo Selector that was Bo Selector yeah oh my god I'm sure she says oh Big Brother's back on yeah

Celebrity Big Brother yeah oh Celebrity One yeah Sharon Osbourne and what's his face having it

what's his face from X Factor man Irish what's his name man hmm Louis Louis Walsh no way

and Sharon Osbourne are in there Jesus yeah I think it'll be quite interesting actually it's gonna be a lot of screaming and shouting

okay so listen listen right yeah the point is we went down we did a run through for a TV show we did what's called Jesus. Yeah, I think it'll be quite interesting, actually. It's going to be a lot of screaming and shouting. Okay, so listen, listen, right? Yeah. The point is, we went down and did a run-through for a TV show. We did what's called an office run-through. Yes. Now, to let it be on the curtain of TV here, ladies and gentlemen, everyone listening, when you have...

You can do like a table read or like a read, which is where you read the scripts and stuff, and then you've got an office run-through, which is a sort of a mock in a big-ass space ass space a run through where the production team are pretending to be the audience and all that like a dress rehearsal you run it as is then you've got like a pilot which is in a studio and then you've got like a tv show where it's the same but you record it and it goes out on telly they're the sort of easy levels of what it is now we went down for a run through of something and you thought it was just a read yes so we were in a

room in the studios upstairs reading all the script and we're rattling through it and you can't understand why we're rattling through it and i keep going but when we get downstairs we'll do that properly but about 45 minutes in you sort of silently realized that we were gonna have to do the thing and we walked into the room and there was cameras and there's everyone and you just do you know what you fucking blagged it so incredibly chris i had no idea i had no idea that was going to happen shit me pants did not wear the right outfit i had sleep i'd get floppy sleeves on it was uh i'll wash me hair my hair was dirty i had dirty hair and there was a moment where we went to the toilet we had a a little break during it and went to the toilet. And because, obviously, I'm so annoying,

I can't tell you too much about it here, but there was members of the production team pretending to be punters, if you were, for this thing. And we went to the toilet at one point. And I haven't actually spoken to you about this, but me and you were both walking to the toilet. And you turned to me and you went, are them people real or are they just pretending?

And I was like, just going into the toilet at the time. And I went to the toilet and I burst out laughing. you went are them people real or are they just pretending and i was like just going into the toilet at the time and i went the time i burst out laughing and i came out and someone said something i completely forgot that but the panic on you are they real or are they just pretending i'm right okay god it was great there's learning on the job chris and then there's your husband who's done loads of them giving you a heads up before you go we didn't even we this is actually how unprofessional we are we didn't even talk about it before we walked in I assumed

you knew what a run through was I thought we were reading through the script no I thought and then they kept saying the people the producers who were there

were going well when we get downstairs we'll have the screens and I'm going screens well I don't understand I thought we were just reading through the script

so funny so funny oh Jesus Christ I wondered why they blocked out four hours for this moment I was thinking I was having

we were getting brunch in is something happening oh well anyway you did very well you hit it for me very good yeah it wasn't until we got the train

that I went I had no idea that that was gonna happen but hey it was good fun well done it was really good fun. What a blagger. What a blagger you are.

Oh, mate. Oh, hey. Blagging. You know where I learned to blag? Where? Pontins. Oh, there we go. Good old Pontins.

Pontins is still going, you know. Yeah. Alive and kicking. By the way. What? Just this is really random. You know how everybody, we sold the motor home. Rip, right?

Chris made us sell it. Yeah. Really annoyed, actually, that I let you do that. But anyway, I think I was having a vulnerable moment. Sorry, I've just had to slam my water bottle down there. What? I was having a vulnerable moment. Yeah, you got us in a week.

You know you got rid of that motorhome so fucking quick. There was literally like a two-day turnaround when you got us in a week moment. No, I got you in a week a week moment no I got you in a moment of clarity right no

Robin said he missed it the other day and I said so now he doesn't fucking know what he wants

man I said so do I so maybe maybe this summer or next yeah gonna get another one

no we're not no you're not getting another moment you don't have to have anything to do with it rent one or something

just rent one or go and stay in a fucking static don't I could stay in a static yes do that for god's sake yeah but some of them are shit all i did was lend people that fucking motorhome we

never went in it and all i did was coordinate other fuckers holidays i might as well have been working for a fucking travel agent it was ridiculous i lent it to friends and family me mates went in it more than me i went in it i went in it a few times and you went in it with your mom and Rafe and Robin and you came back and you fucking hated it. Don't lie. No, only didn't like it because Rafe was literally, he wasn't even one.

It was silly. It was stupid, actually. He was sat on the floor in one of them little bumbo chairs. Yeah. And it was ridiculous. But now he's a lot bigger. He'd be brilliant. No, he'd be awful.

Both of them would be awful. It'd be like hell. Watch this space, guys. Might have a motorhome again. Yeahhome might rise from the ashes yeah good yeah and watch this space we might be in the news uh for me burning down a motorhome uh so watch this space waste of money watch this space maybe just don't buy it then rosie yes got a quiz for you you've got a quiz for me got a quiz now and then i thought it's not a regular thing for this podcast it's not a regular thing what i like to do now and then

if the sort of you know if the moment takes to get a bit of inspiration i like to get a quiz for you now famously are you ready for a quiz do you know what it is i love your quizzes in general really don't like the quiz i was just about to say famously you're terrible at quizzes and you don't like quizzes yeah this is more sort of tailored to you uh dare i say it mine are you know almost set up deliberately to make you fail which is fun anyway um so what's it about well a couple of weeks ago or maybe last week uh when i said about running fast with me hands out um you said you watch blade runner when you were a child. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, by the way,

Faye, who was editing the podcast last week, I saw. Faye thought Blade Runner was about ice skating. Yeah, which means she's just as fucking irritating as you. Don't listen to her, Faye. Faye, we love you,

but how am I? I saw the email saying I thought Blade Runner was about ice skating. I didn't even reply. I was so angry. You actually didn't reply. No, I didn't. I was like fucking ice skating It makes a lot of sense, blades on the

ice rink, on the skate It makes no sense at all, right so in the vein of that I have cobbled together some movies mainly old and from around that time period 90s? Yeah early 90s, from around that kind of time period, you that time period. 90s?

Yeah, sort of. Early 90s. From around that kind of time period. You know, 80s, 90s. Where the title is almost a bit spurious and doesn't really go with what the film's about, i.e. Blade Runner. If you had no idea what Blade Runner was about, you wouldn't be able to do that.

Right. But you wouldn't be able to know what it was about. So what I'm going to do is, I'm going to give you the title of the movie. Play if you're listening you are listening obviously play along uh in your head don't write down don't assume what our listeners are doing all right well play along if you're completely fucking ignoring this uh how you prick pay attention we're gonna do something interesting so i'm gonna give you the title of the movie and you have to give me just tell us what the movie's about. Right.

Okay. Okay. Okay. By the time I might know. Oh, this is cool. Just tell us what it's about. Okay.

You ready? Okay. Now I'm, there's, I think this was a one, two, three, four,

five, six, seven plus a first one, which is a warmup one. Right. It's an annoying amount that you've done. Great. Now your warmup one is to's an annoying amount that you've done great now your warm up one

is to see if you actually listen to me yeah like a practice yeah yeah yeah okay so your first movie title

I'll tell you the title you tell us what it's about yeah Blade Runner oh fuck I fucking I fucking I explained it

last week no okay something about the future I hate it I fucking hate it I wasn't listening I hate it

I explained it alright come on just have a guess I wasn't listening I gave you two clues it's sci-fi isn't it just a bit

I gave you two clues it's not about ice skating it's not about someone who runs with his hands flat. I wasn't listening. I wasn't. It's a special detective in the future who hunts down human replicants

that have gone rogue. Brilliant. Number two. Yes. The Constant Gardener. Oh, I've not seen that. Oh, have I seen that? He dies. The man dies. Is it due to cancer? What's this about?

He dies? No, he does. He dies. I don't know if he dies, but no, that's not what I've got here. Have you not seen it? That's not what I've got here. Somebody who gardens all the time. It's about a man who dies eventually from cancer I think

who you can't get him out of his garden where's Jerry he's in the garden again why he is the constant gardener the story of a British

diplomat in Kenya as he tries to solve the murder of his wife Tessa he is a keen gardener. The story of a British diplomat in Kenya as he tries to solve the murder of his wife, Tessa. Right. He is a keen gardener, apparently. Okay, you are both wrong so far. Third one. This should be easy. Yeah.

Reservoir Dogs. I've never seen it. Mother. I know. I think I would love it. Is it gangsters? I can see the DVD case.sters I can see the the DVD case my dad

literally lent us the DVD I can see the DVD your dad lent you the DVD you never never watched it no I haven't got a DVD right it was years ago

I've never I would love to see it though it's one of them it's one of them that actually I would love now but when I was younger I didn't want anything

to do with it I was too busy watching Legally Blondes and all that shit yeah all we know you know Clueless and that but now I was younger I didn't want anything to do with it I was too busy watching Legally Blonde and all that shit yeah all we know you know clueless and that but now I would love that

great is it about gangsters is it the prison lineup they've all got their things in front of them that's Usual Suspects oh I see I'm not

doing that I dread dread watching Usual Suspects for you why dread I reckon I reckon we will hit our pause pause in

an explaining record of usual suspects. Is it? Right, okay. Oh, well, I don't want to watch it. Reservoir Dogs isn't. What's it about?

A jewellery heist gone wrong. A jewellery heist? Yeah. Okay. Next one. Yeah. A clockwork orange. I've seen that.

Right. That's, oh, what's it about? It's when he thinks he's his eye opening,'t it the the dress up a bit strange like um return to us like the wheelies on return to us right they're dressed all a bit weird it's very strange reference it's very strange clockwork orange couldn't actually tell you what it's about yeah odd though torture is about torture the torture not really right uh i don't know okay a sadistic gang leader is in prison volunteers Torture? Is it about torture? The torture? Not really. Right.

I don't know, Chris. Okay, a sadistic gang leader is imprisoned and volunteers for conduct aversion experiment. Conduct aversion experiment. Kind of, yeah. Yeah, sort of. Yeah, ting ting. I think I got that right. If you had any points,

I would have deducted them for that Wizard of Oz wheelies reference because that was upsetting. Okay, ready for the next one? I'm pretty bang on. You're having a stink was upsetting. Okay, ready for the next one? You're having a stinker here, right? Ready for the next one? Straw dogs. Never heard of it. Okay, do you want to guess what it's about?

A scarecrow's dog. Wrong. An American... It's about seven scarecrows in different fields. They've all got little straw dogs and the dogs it's about about seven scarecrows in different fields they've all got little straw dogs and the dogs come to life during the night

and they all howl at the moon and have a lovely day Pixar if you're listening you can have that one for free oh yeah actually an American man and his English wife

move to the countryside in England and basically get a load of grief okay you're having the worst right were you picking nobody's heard of

straw dogs yeah they have really really famous film lawnmower man are you plucking these out with a bastard's guy lawnmower man

lawnmower man no I don't I won't believe it I won't believe what's it got on IMDB what's it got seven and seven something

1992 Pierce Brosnan's in it I quite like Pierce Brosnan I won't believe it. I won't believe it. What's it got on IMDB? What's it got? Seven and seven something. 1992. Pierce Brosnan's in it. I quite like Pierce Brosnan. Again. Yeah. It's the next door neighbour to the constant gardener. Right.

Okay. Or maybe he works with them. They're having a secret affair. Yeah. And one's the lawnmower man and he's the constant gardener. Okay. And what brought them together

in their love affair behind their wife's back? Because it's the 40s and nobody's allowed to be gay. Right. It's their constant gardener. Okay. And what brought them together in their love affair behind their wives back? Hey, Fever. Because it's the 40s and nobody's allowed to be gay. Right. It is their love. Right. Of plants.

Okay. No. Close. Well, no. Miles off. A scientist experiments on a low-init let gardener in a virtual reality world

to make him intelligent. Goes wrong. Sounds, that sounds dreadful. Yeah, good. Okay. You might do well here. Right.

You've had your training, okay? Running man. That's not rain man. That's, I don't know, I've never heard of this. Running man? Arnold Schwarzenegger. Oh, is that when he wipes his bum with a shell? That's demolition man.

That's Stallone and that's demolition man. And he doesn't wipe his bum with a shell. He wipes that's demolition man and he doesn't wipe his bum with a shell he wipes his bum with a paper so he doesn't know what the shell's about I think if there was

anything to represent this podcast we need to watch that film because we talk about demolition man and that shell scarred me I can see it going in

running man never seen it no oh we know but guess any guess what it's about I'm going gonna be serious here is he a

athlete no he's got nothing to do with running maybe is he running from the law is he a crook

convicts must compete for their freedom in a TV game show where they escape killers set in the future it's kind of like Hunger Games but

oh my god I would love that yeah it's not on Schwarzenegger's best work, but there we go. Right, final one. Easy one, this.

Ready? Yeah. What is this film about? The film is called... Why have I not seen any... Is that a real film? It's called... I swear to God, it's...

How do you spell it? P-H-F-F-F-F-T. I don't know. Is it along the... Have you ever seen Biodome? Viva la Biodome. No. It's got...

There's like... I'm sure... Is Kylie Minogue in it? No. Somebody's in it. Honestly. Honestly. Just sounds like it's that sort of era of films.

Do you know, right? Yeah, I'm telling you this right now. Do you know? No, no, don't. Get off Google. I need to speak to you. I now do you know no no don't get off get off get off Google I need to speak to you get off Google

I need to speak to you look at us now you need to hear this this analogy brilliant you need to hear this analogy you explaining a film

or trying to explain a film to someone is exactly the same as someone else trying to describe their dream to you that's how you describe films

okay you've seen that it's ah and it was in a house and then they weren't in a house it was a school and you were there and my mom was there and we could fly it's honestly painful i've honestly not got a good memory when it comes to remembering films and stuff tell us what about a couple who get divorced then start dating again great so what year is that from don't know i goog one you pick terrible films no no most of them people know

they're films that have got it's you know Blade Runner you don't know what it's about until you watch it they're in the same ilk knew you'd do bad there but didn't know

you'd make yourself make such a fool of yourself but you did but it's good content it's well done you look really tired by the way I'm just really

I'm really happy that The Constant Gardener and La Moi Man found each other. I hope they're living happily ever after. Oh God. You're invited

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Really picky. Robin's you. Robin eats anything. We went to Nando's the other day and I watched Robin just maul some chicken wings. Oh my word. Maul them.

He must have been so hungry. He ate a full chicken burger, three chicken wings, chips, broccoli. He didn't stop. He mauled them chicken wings. He's got a good appetite. I'm like,

I can't even maul a chicken wing now, but you and him can pick the bits off oh yeah the bits where your teeth bounce no thanks yes please Robin has like

medium steak oh yeah he's a beast I rave him oh god he's me I was the pickiest kid in the world

I went to people's houses and they would have like you know full Sunday dinners and I'd have jam sandwiches pathetic oh no oh yeah yeah yeah

yeah pathetic shut up yeah yeah really bad wouldn't eat anything really bad right no wonder you look ill and I'd have jam sandwiches. Pathetic. Oh, no. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, pathetic. Shut up. Yeah, yeah. Really bad. Wouldn't eat anything. Really bad. Right, no wonder you look ill.

Brilliant. The amount of nutrients you'll have lost out on being a kid. Right now, you bastard. You've got to put the graft in when you're younger. Really? Yeah. Why do you think I literally stand over the kids while they eat broccoli and cry? I didn't eat broccoli until I was probably 15.

Shut up. Swear to God. Yeah, yeah eat broccoli until I was probably 15. Shut up. Swear to God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bad, bad, bad, bad. Right, well, well, damage is done. Bread and butter, jam and bread,

shocking. So there. We weren't allowed to leave the table until we ate our vegetables. I'd still be sitting there now. I would have died at that table. Yeah, I know,

but my brother, so I was, I ate anything. My sister was pretty good. Kev, my brother, was horrendous. But my mum would make... Nonna would leave the table

to leave the 80s broccoli. Wow. Even just the stalks. Yeah. Not the trunk, just the stalks. Just the leaves, not the trunk, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, I'm at that stage

in our podcast cycle where sometimes I don't have beefs and I've got to search for something. But I had three to pick from today. We've had quite a good week haven't we as far as marriages go have we not sort of yeah not

bad stuff well so it's when we've had really good times that I can pick little pinnacle things all right okay so the difference is the difference is

I'm not hormonal right now I'm on me good little bits of the week last yeah the window the window I'm really sorry. I'm sorry.

I hate it just as much as you. I put up with it and I love you. I'm starting now when I get off I'd start for like TV and work and things. I'm literally like

where am I in my cycle because I'm a different person. Which Rosie would you like to book? Would you like to book the nice happy Rosie or would you like a constantly tired

pain in the arse? Yeah. Yeah. Ruins me life. the book would you like the book the nice happy rosy or would you like a constantly tired pain in the arse yeah yeah ruined my life yeah ruined my life we know now do you want to go first beef wise uh no no you go first or me to go first yeah go on okay then um you keep unplugging my toothbrush when it's charging. Oh, I know. You did it last night. You did it the other morning in the hotel. We were in the hotel before we went and did that run-through that you didn't always run through.

My toothbrush was charging, and you went, oh, my toothbrush has run out, I'm going to take this off. You took mine off charge, you charged yours up, you brushed your teeth. I went to brush my teeth just as we were about to leave. It fucking went flat. I thought it was fully charged. No.

I'm sorry about that. No, it wasn't. I'd only just put it on. So I had to use, one of the saddest things in the world is brushing your teeth manually with an electric toothbrush. I know. It feels so strange. Sorry.

Genuinely, I've got a problem with chargers. Horrible. I don't know where I put the charger. I don't know where my charger is. For everything, not just phones. You know where no chargers are for anything. You buy a product, you open the product, you get the charger out,

and you must just fucking throw it out the window and keep the other thing. It's not that. I just find that it's really complicated. And now, loads of chargers are the end that goes into like an iPhone charger. USB, that's what it's called. There it is.

Loads of them are USB, and you go, well, that's not a plug. That doesn't make any sense. And then I've just got loads of them. I've got tons. Yeah. What? I was looking across the room,

because sometimes we've got, in some rooms of ours, we've got USB chargers. Yeah, it's quite nice, actually. We've got USB chargers. But Chris, I just find it a bit overwhelming, if I'm honest with you. Right. I wasn't made for this generation.

I wasn't made for this sort of era. I think should you do your your your kryptonite in the modern world is multiple group messages in whatsapp groups oh god and chargers yeah they just upset you tell you what's brilliant me and my friends on whatsapp group now you can do a poll yeah of like who's available on this day ah yeah yeah oh it's changed my life yeah it's changed my life you don't even have to reply

you just read and you go right I'm available then then then got you got you somebody else sorted out yeah well I'm glad

I'm glad it's helping you thank you we just need something for chargers now and then you'll be alright yeah I'll just put them all in one little basket I feel like we should get

all of your chargers and like sort of braid them all together. Well. So you've just got one. It'll be like a fucking, it'll be like a rope, like, you know,

like a ship's rope. It would be like, I'm talking a couple of inches in diameter and it would just be braided, multicolored, loads of chargers with loads of ends on and you could just have it with you constantly

and it would be massive. Probably lose the plug. You'd lose the full thing. You can get them. Let me buy one today. No, because you'll lose it. You'd lose the full thing. You can get them. Let me buy one today. No, because you'll lose it. You'll lose it. No, no, you can get one

where it's like three so you can have your iPad charger and you can have an iPhone charger and then maybe I could put, what's my most important charger? Vibrator. Put that one on the end as well. Your vibrator has wind up.

We know this. Right, what's my view for you okay so this it's just a little flyaway one but um did you mention it last week when you shit yourself no but thank you for just dropping it in like that no we mentioned it on our extra extra episode oh god but i did shit myself himself get you up a date here if you didn't listen extra extra if you're not a smile plus subscriber why first of all I wasn't very well I was in bed I felt really sick

I lay down in bed I broke wind in bed and I thought that's one of the worst smells ever and I went to break wind again and followed through

and as I said on the other episode of the podcast when a strange thing happens when you shit yourself as an adult because you kind of go

oh 37 that was the last time I sh shit yourself as an adult because you kind of go oh 37 that was the last time i shat myself it updates it updates the age in your head like in a factory when they have a sign of how many days since an accident yeah it goes back to zero when it goes to 30 it goes to the most it goes to you oh 37 bang you weren't well you weren't well i was bedridden for 24 hours i was done in oh I forgot to tell you oh I haven't got my beef yet

me coach at BJJ I saw him the other day when I went back for it and I went I went Wednesday I went how are you on Wednesday I went were you ill

he went I he went I was ill all night we both were ill with the same thing so either he's adamant I gave it to him and I'm adamant

he gave it to me and he's obviously a trained killer so I'm just agreeing that I gave it to him well none of us were ill yeah so he gave it to me and he's obviously a trained killer so I'm just agreeing that I gave it to him. Well none of us were ill. Yeah, so he'd give it to me then. There we go. Well you can't track

illness. You can't. Let's stop doing COVID ruined illnesses for everybody. Yeah because you feel like you can blame everyone now. You feel like you can blame it and it's just not how you should live. Anyway that wasn't me beef. My beef was you told Robin who found who found it hilarious Our eight found who found it hilarious

our eight year old found it hilarious that daddy pooed his pants but I obviously had to tell him please don't go into school and tell your teachers because I think Robin tells them everything I think he tells them loads I said because you said that during the day and he came back

and I don't know if I told you this but I said did you tell anyone that daddy pooed himself and he went I nearly did and then I back and I don't know if I told you this but I said oh god I said did you tell anyone that daddy pooed himself and he went I nearly did and then I realized that and then I so I didn't okay hey but the teachers listen they all know now hey there you go there we go apologies happy days it's time for questions from the public public as always if you'd like to get in touch it's shagged moudanoid at gmail.com Questions from the public. A quiche from the pew. Public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch,

it's shaggedmoudanoid at gmail.com. Thank you in advance. No bullshitting, right? There's so many. We still get loads, and I'm just so grateful, so thank you so much. You're amazing.

Yeah. Hello, Rosie and Chris. Hi. In my early 20s, after completing and just passing my undergraduate degree, congratulations, what is that is that the degree before your degree don't know and i don't understand all of this don't know i

think i think undergraduate might just be a normal degree before you go on to master's then phd then all of that i'm sure an undergrad i would love to have a degree you know why i don't know just i've got three quarters of a degree yeah but you don't have a degree you never passed did you three quarters of a degree i just think it would be quite nice to have a degree in something anyway i took myself off around the world with my two besties traveling well done you one of our destinations after north america was fiji what a beautiful place fantastic weather and scenery and rich island culture i'd like to go to fiji it sounds lovely we island hopped for four days and during the experience, I started to get flirty with the island holiday rep. Oi, oi.

Lush. Island holiday rep. What a job. What a job. I bet he books. Oh, I bet he absolutely. All the time. Swordsman.

Oh, God. Despite the minor communication issues, there was chemistry. Oh, right. Okay, so he was also a local. Yeah, oi, oi, oi. After a drunken game of South Sea Island hide and seek, issues there was chemistry oh right okay so he was also a local yeah oh yeah yeah after a drunken game of south sea island hide and seek in brackets highly recommended don't know i don't know what that means is it just hide and seek in the south sea on the south sea island

in the beach so they played hide and seek i think so yeah so that wouldn't have been as impressive if she hadn't written exactly what it was there if she'd just written after a game of hide and seek i'd have been all over that i know but i'm guessing that people who've been on this trip there'll be a lot of people who've done these trips yeah we'll know exactly so there'll be people listening now going oh yeah i remember i remember the south sea island hide and seek oh i remember you were behind that palm tree and i couldn't see you oh yeah great okay brilliant well done never been travelling. After a drunken game

of South Sea Island hide and seek, with the wider group of hostilers, Tom. Oh yeah. Sorry, you just said Chris is jealous.

Not one part of me wants to go to this place. Not one part of me. Island hopping. Island hopping. Listen, a holiday, right, this is for me, a holiday is getting

to your destination and chilling the fuck out. All you do when you're travelling is pack and unpack a bag for months. Yeah, but you're young and you don't care. Nah, I still would have cared. Packing and unpacking, shitting in disgusting toilets,

having no one to wipe your ass with, getting ill. Nah. Get in the bin. I'm alright. I'm absolutely fine. It's not for him. It's not for me at all.

Seltzer Island hide and seek. Do you know what? I wouldn't even look for you. I go, are you going to hide? And I jump on the plane home. Wow. So it says here,

him and I made our way off to a sun lounger in the moonlight to get it on. Shit, okay. Donkey Kong! Wow. And that's the thing.

That is one that, so this is going to be not like a sun lounger when you're on the Costa del Sol and they're all chained up. This is like, you know, someone's not going to come over and go like, you need to pay for that.

This is sort of proper private, you know. Is it? I imagine it's not like, do you know what I mean? It's not a resort, is it? Yeah, no. There's not. I don't think there's like 45 lined up in a row. No, I don't think.

Yeah, I think there's just a couple and it's just, they're just there. That's what I'm picturing. I'm not picturing someone coming up halfway through and going, that's 200 pesetas for the day, by the way. Yeah, I think there's just a couple and they're just there. That's what I'm picturing. I'm not picturing someone coming up halfway through and going, that's 200 pesetas for the day, by the way. Yeah, pesetas. We need to stop saying pesetas because we're showing our age. Dad, can I have a peseta for the pool table?

If you ask me for one more peseta on this holiday, I'm popping up and we're going home. That's what I used to get. Can I have an ice cream? If you ask me for one more ice cream on this holiday, we're popping up and we're going home. That's what I used to get. Can I have an ice cream? If you ask me for one more ice cream on this holiday, we're popping up and we're going home. Great.

Things were getting down and dirty when I asked the essential yet slightly auks question have you got a condom? He said yes in my cabin and went back to the hut to fetch it slash them. Wow, mood killer. I lay under the stars for what felt like ages

and eventually he came back and sheepishly got on the lounger with me and started to feel me up again. Have we read this before? No. No, I'm just started to feel me up again. Really just didn't sit right with us, but okay. Well, he's gone off for his condom.

So then they've gone back. Back in the mood. You can't ram it in. You've got to get back in the swing. Did he come back with the condom on? Well, let's find out. Oh, I'd love it if he walked down the beach with a condom on. That's going to make my day that. Come on, then. That would make me want to vomit, if I'm honest with you. I'd go,

no thank you. As we were kissing, I heard a rustling in his hand and asked him what he had. He took his hand away and said, Nothing. I'm worried about her. I don't like this. Yeah, I don't like this at all. We carried on kissing,

and as we rolled around getting more and more intimate, the rustling got louder, until I was highly suspicious about what he had brought back with him. You've got a fucking Greg sausage roll. That'd be quite buzzing. You'd be absolutely loving it. Standing at your attention and ready for the safety precautions to be applied,

I offered to put the condom on him. Oh, ugh. So that I could... I think some people just do that to make sure it's on. Oh, well, it says here so that I could be sure everything was in order.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never put a condom on in my life. No? No. I'm all right about that, thanks. It's not a fun thing to do, like. It's awful. It's a bit weird, a bit clinical.

I mean, do it because... 100% do it, yeah. Do it. He said no and he would a bit weird. A bit clinical. I mean, do it because... 100% do it. Do it. He said no and he would do it. Suspicious. Sus. Sussy barker. Sus.

Robin hates that I love sus. So Robin brought sus into me life. He just goes, that's sus. And I've adapted it into my own life because I think it's great. Yeah. I enjoy the new words that the kids are saying. I enjoy sus and I enjoy cursed. So there you go.

Cursed. Something's cursed. Oh, yes, that is fun. That is fun. Right, okay. He said no and he would do it. He turned away, made some grunty rustling noises and turned back. What the fuck is this guy doing making a paper mashy condom?

What the hell is going on? I think he hoped the darkness would reduce the chance of me seeing what he had put on his erect penis in preparation for our starlight intercourse. Alas, was wrong oh what's he done this could be a rosie's mystery it could be right here you go some paper bag or a plastic bag if it's rustling for chris packet what are you going with i'm going with chris packet no i'm going with chocolate chocolate bar wrapper candy bar wrapper chocolate bar wrapper yeah a crisp packet it's a food packet I'm telling you it's a food packet

it is a plastic bag you fucking dirty oh dirty dog it says here first I laughed

a lot wow after I composed myself and washed the bag slip off his formerly erect penis wow

may I say sizable wow that's why you've got a big parrot carry a bag yeah I picked it up off the sand to inspect it.

Awful. Firstly, it was not a soft, thin, biodegradable plastic bag like they do now. It was like those thick, crunchy bags like shops such as River Island used to have. Like a full-on industrial... Like a bag for life? I think worse than... Yeah, like a bag for life. Like a proper thick, as they want. I know what you mean, yeah.

No wonder I made so much fucking noise. Secondly, did he think I wouldn't notice that going inside my vagina? It would have made both of us bleed, I have no doubt. Oh, God. Come on. Thirdly, it had air holes in it, which means that the manufacturer realised that the likelihood of children suffocating from this bag was way higher than someone having to desperately use it as a Johnny one day.

What's he doing? How was he going to keep that on? A full bag though? He's not just got a bit of it, he's got a full bag. Yeah, I think so. Weak with crying, but also horrifically shocked, I asked him why. The poor guy didn't have a clue. After some comfort and confirmation that I actually had my own condoms that we could use, the passion reignited and we did the deed safely. She still shagged you on, joking me. Yeah, and like the Pacific Ocean, ideally plastic free. I, like, no.

Still shagged him. No. I would have absolutely been alright for shagging plastic bag man. The man who tried to put an entire plastic bag secretly into your vagina on a sun lounger, you still went, don't worry, put your plastic bag down. It's fine.

I've got condoms. It's fine, yeah. Why didn't, when it, what? I would have ran away. Awful, isn't it? All plastic. Again, it's the way people still go through with it in her defence

it is a lady you do know how long she's not had sex for and she's on a holiday and she's probably thought you know what I fancy this

so you know good on her although she did she has finished the email with the sex was wildly disappointing yeah

but this story never fails to entertain worth every scrunchy, rustly moment. So there you go. She's got a story for life. Like a bag for life. Just like the bag for life. She has got a story for life.

Wow. That is bad, isn't it? The question is, has that worked for him in the past? Maybe. Has he just put a full carrier, like a full carrier bag? Bad, isn't it?

I do remember a rumour going round. Remember a rumour going round about someone who got shagged in the cemetery with like a plastic bag. Or was it a crisp packet? Like a crisp packet, I think it was. Sharp. That's just awful.

Isn't it? That's made me... I mean, everything about that sentence you just said. I've told you that before. Cemetery. Do you remember little rumours like that when you were younger? Yeah, yeah. When you were like 15?

Yeah. And you're like, oh my gosh, she got shagged in the cemetery with a crisp bucket. Yeah, I do imagine that'll have been bullshit. I do imagine that.

I think, well, I don't know, who knows. Although then again, you know, there's enough things out there happening. Nowadays,

you could probably just watch it on TikTok. Great. Which is sad, isn't it? Another reason I'll not be on TikTok. Yeah, another reason our kids will not be on TikTok

precisely there you go hi Rosie and Chris just a quick one I've been messaging a lad who is fucking stunning stunner stunner stunner stunner

in brackets if I do say so you may say so yeah and everything was going great oh god he's even been over a couple of times however i just saw in the background of a photo he sent me on his bedside table are his old football trophies and a framed photo of him playing football at the side of his own bed

the man is 23 no alarm clock nothing Just his little trophies and the photo. Ick, ick, ick. I hope, to dear God, Rosie understands what I mean. That is quite bad. That is pathetic. Yeah, that is pathetic. That's bad, isn't it? You know what? I can see the photo.

It'll be a live shot of him with his leg in the air. One arm's in the air. Beckham style. Like they're having the gazette of when they go to the local football club. He's jostling past someone else. Yes, or something like that. He's in his strip

and his strip's got the local butcher's name on it with the local butcher's sponsor in the strip. Yes. Yeah, yeah, great. Get them off there, mate. Come on. Little Bane. Come on.

And he's on bedside table. Have I ever talked about how when I went to college and started having girls around and stuff, I had to have a moment... Don't. I having girls around and stuff, I had to have a moment. Don't, I'll get jealous. Great. I had to have a moment where I had to take

all me Matrix figures down off my shelf above my bed. So, okay, right, okay. So, hear me out here, right? Yeah. So, great, scratch your beard. Sounds awful. Sounds like a beaver has just entered the room. So, when you were younger

trying to impress girls you got rid of all this shit yeah so now why do you feel that it's okay to have shit like that is it because you've trapped me in this marriage oh yeah you're you're locked in now yeah you're locked in your marriage kids uh you know multiple business ventures together yeah uh and entertainment formats yeah you're complete yeah you're fucking yeah yeah yeah if i wanted i could start wearing matrix clothing now and there's not really much you could do about it big long leather jackets big new rock boots please don't glasses please don't it's always it's always there it's always it's always there the threat is always there i'm surprised you didn't do that when you were younger i never did it no but um yeah i had

to take the matrix figures down right yeah i remember i've not talked about this no i had to take them down. I remember I took them down and I put them in a, do you remember when miniature heroes used to come in a big tin, like a big bucket? Do I?

Yeah, big metal bucket. Which one's miniature heroes again? Cadbury's. Oh, my favourite. So I put miniature heroes in a big bucket.

I put them, sorry, I put them in my big miniature heroes bucket and I took them down and eBay was just sort of becoming a thing at the time and I remember seeing my mate, oh, I'll make a fortune for these on ebay i think i must i had about i had

about 10 of them and i must have bought them through 15 quid each uh i got 12 quid for the entire set wow that's really bad yeah it's terrible i was devastated that's terrible i wish i hadn't felt them yeah yeah it is upsetting me at the minute why just because i think it's brilliant and i've bought loads of things off there in the past but now it's very much collection only. But like Facebook won't replace

and if you don't live near it it's really hard to pick it up. I never knew that. Is that not just you're not looking at big stuff? Yeah I am yeah. Well we've got to pack it in then. What are you looking at?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. What are you looking at? Just bathroom vanities and loads of shit. Stop looking at stuff man. Yeah man. Yeah, man. Yeah, man.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Rosie and Chris, I'm a new fan and have been working my way through the back catalogue of episodes. I like to listen while I fold laundry. Ooh, folding laundry. Well done you.

A lot of housework, podcasts. I do it when I'm like tidying up and that. I have a podcast on. Awesome. Mine are a lot grimmer than this, sadly. Horrible. Yeah.

Horrible. You really get upset with the podcast. The new thing is we get in the car now and if we're going out on a family day or something on a Sunday with the kids,

we get in the car and if your phone connects to the car, I have to quickly turn the volume down because someone is describing something horrendous. And at the minute,

so the pictures that were on of them people. The pictures as well, by the way. They're like mug shots. Yeah, they come up on the screen of the car and it's horrible. It is quite harrowing, actually. I'm listening to The Trial by the way. They're like mug shots. Yeah, they come up on the screen of the car and it's horrible. It is

quite harrowing, actually. I'm listening to The Trial at the minute. And those two who come up on the car that you can just look at all the time when you're driving, their baby died in their care. It's really, I don't want to look at them on the screen.

It's not nice, is it, actually? Well, maybe they should do, like, okay, maybe this podcast from now on shouldn't have you know yeah just think some people have got to look at us as well when we come up on their car we're not oh not murderers yeah we look rough though in them photos to be fair i look you look at loads better worse now but yeah okay five years ago look a lot better uh okay anyway anyway, sorry about that, but listen. I just listened to episode 204 where Rosie talks about using her sister's pelvic floor exerciser and I thought I'd share my experience of using an ebino when preparing for my first son's birth.

Ebino? It's like, we'll find out. Okay. Oh, shut your face, right? Wow. Stop getting ahead of yourself Jesus if you don't know what an epi-no is

oh okay she's gonna tell us it's a vagina stretcher that you use in the weeks leading up to given birth you know the lads down the old every fellas there

call me the old epi-no that's what they used to call me down the old vag stretcher that's what they used to call me down the old vagina that's what you used to call me I can't I can't I tried

the worst thing you've ever said I tried and I couldn't do it pencil dick hey I'm going to be on comic relief next week can't wait

next week live for charity it looks like a little balloon that you insert up your vagina and then slowly inflate using a little hand pump

hey I tell you what there's someone someone out there has invented everything hasn't there is there anything left to invent I know

I can okay so if you're gonna I can kind of see where you're coming from right because you think yeah get you ready for birth

but right I haven't had a vaginal birth a lot of my friends have and a lot of my friends have and a lot of my friends in confidence maybe shouldn't say

this on here but I'm not saying who they are they're very much like they're wide as fuck right and it's like

you don't want to make you don't want to prepare your vagina to just be ready for being massive well of course you do

you want to so it doesn't hurt as much so the birth goes easier you're losing I know but then you've got a massive vag well you're gonna have a massive vag anyway so you're gonna have a less of a massive vag than if you had if you'd prepared your vag surely no you but whatever size your kid is your kid's gonna stretch you but i can't believe that i can't believe this is a discussion i'm having to have whatever size your kid is you're gonna end up having a vag that

big so if you can step up to that gradually so it doesn't hurt as much on the day, I imagine that's what it's for. It's still going to hurt, isn't it? Side note, this whole thing has ruined the movie up for me. But apparently, apparently... I can't watch Up again because all I'm thinking about is Up. Why? Balloons?

Stalling balloons, putting balloons up. Stop it. Apparently, though, that bit... So I went 18 hours in labour, which was horrendous, but then I got... Then gave in, quitter. Shut your face. You wouldn't fit. Apparently that bit, the that bit so I went 18 hours in labor which was horrendous but then I got quitter shut your face you wouldn't fit apparently that bit the stretchy bit is like if you put your hand in your mouth and stretch your mouth really far that's what it feels like but apparently that bit actually is not so it is the worst bit but once that bit's done once the head's through it's kind of like what's it called the stretch. And that's kind of the worst bit done.

The home stretch. And then you, yeah, the home stretch. The bad. The bad stretch. Anyway. Again, I'm joking. Shout out to everyone out there. Chris, people rip their vaginas.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Women. Stop. Women are in labour, right? Can you imagine this? You're in labour. It's that painful that the doctor goes, we're going to have to cut you. And you go, yes.

We've said this before. Cut my vagina. That's how... Oh, God. Hey, God love her. Right. Makes you go all funny. Right, so listen.

This is the thing. I'm not on board with this, but each to their own. So, a little balloon you put in your vagina, slowly inflate using a little hand pump. You're supposed to do it several times a week, and each time you use it, you should be able to stretch a little bit wider. The name is because you're saying no to the need of an epis...

episost... epis... iotomy. Episiotomy. Okay. Episiotomy. I know what that is. It doesn't look like it when it's wrote down. Episiotomy episiotomy okay episiotomy I know what that is it doesn't look like it when it's wrote down

episiotomy okay is that the cutting I don't know I've heard of the word this whole thing is making me very upset supposedly if you can get

the seven centimetres by week 39 in your pregnancy you're golden plus she should have just rang that guy I know who inflates people's arses

he'll do vaginas as well he would have done it for free he would have done it for now he probably would have got off on it probably paid you carry on and you're going to be on your maternity soon so your your wage will decrease so if you want a few quid give him a ring give him a ring give him a ring anywho the thing that

i want to know is if you think it is weird or not if you think this is weird or not I bought mine second hand of a second hand buy and sell website I knew I wish I'd said it I wish I'd said I had it on the tip of my tongue you bought it second hand

I'm all for saving a couple of quid but there's a couple of things you don't buy second hand toothbrushes oh god I'm all for, look, I'm all for saving a couple of quid, but there's a couple of things you don't buy secondhand, right? Toothbrushes. Oh God. Underway. Oh my God, as if people would sell a toothbrush.

Toothbrushes, underway, and yes, it is the first time I've heard of it, but things to inflate your vagina, vibrators, some things, secondhand,

is a big no-no. Yeah, same, same. Yeah, absolutely. Or do you just put a new balloon on it? Can it be any balloon? Can you go down to the card shopno. Yeah, same. Same. Yeah, absolutely. Or do you just put a new balloon on it? Or can it be any balloon?

Can you go down to the card shop? It says here. Can you be adventurous and do it with one of the big silver 21 balloons? Oh, ooh. It says here, apparently it was hardly used by the original owner. And I disinfected it thoroughly. They're going to say that. Before using it for the first time. So I used it religiously in my weeks of pregnancy

as I was determined not to tear. Determined not to tear. After around 15 hours of active labour, I ended up having to have an emergency C-section and the first thing I said to my husband when the doctor announced the need for the section was, but I got the eight and a half centimetres. Oh, she'd done so well.

Oh, so she has done what you've said. She has given herself a big vagina and she's had to have a son's job anyway. I mean, it's a muscle so they say that it can go back to size.

Yeah. Yeah. So I wonder if using something that's previously been in a stranger's vagina is better or worse than being in the vagina of someone you know.

I don't understand. My best mate is currently pregnant with her first child and I offered her to use the use of my ebino and she was frankly disgusted yes you lost a friend

stop it stop trying to give go and fucking burn it third it would be the third vaget's been in oh man alive the stories of good tell

okay but here's a question yeah so you know stuff in a hospital like when you get the wand in you

oh it's got something on it hasn't it it's got like they put plastic on it they put plastic on it yeah you know get the wand in you, it's got something on it, hasn't it? They put plastic on it. They put plastic on it. They're professionals. Yeah. So it's not just in everyone. This is someone's self. I do not trust the cleaning expertise of someone selling a vag inflator second hand.

Where did you get it? I've never heard of them before. The pelvic floor one, fair enough. And that was my sister. We've probably got of them before. The pelvic floor one, fair enough. And that was my sister. We've probably got the same juice. Again, that's the worst. Don't you think? That's the worst.

We probably have. Like DNA, like, you know, we're the same, really. Right. Me and Kate, that's fair enough, I think. So you could commit a murder and leave your DNA and they would think it was her. Oh my God, yeah, maybe. No, no. Have we all got different? Yes. Have I not got the same DNA as my brother and sister? enough I think so you could commit a murder and leave your DNA and they would think it was her oh my god yeah maybe no no we've

all got different yes I've not got the same DNA as my brother and sister I mean it'll be similar you'll have similar but you know I'm sure you've done

it again I don't know yeah in a court of law you've done it again I don't know I tell you right now it wouldn't be fanny juice I don't know what you've been

doing for it to be fanny juice no but listen some people just love to sell shit vinted oh they've this I'm not on vinted but the I don't know what you've been doing for it to be value juice. No, but listen. Some people just love to sell shit. Vinted. I'm not on Vinted. But the messages,

me mum and Kate are still obsessed with Vinted. It's actually ridiculous, right? They don't use money anymore, you know? No. They don't use money. They just sell stuff on Vinted. And then the money they make, they keep it on Vinted and just buy other shit.

Right. It's mad. It's absolutely madness. So they're just dealing in Vinted commodities. And me mum will not go down on, but like, my mum, it's just so ridiculous. She'll be like,

I offered them three quid and that's been on for a year and they said no. And it's just like, it's just ridiculous. Being on for a year. But some of the, Chris,

some of the pictures, man, that people put on. Yeah. It's just awful. Do you know, so I've been taking stuff, we've had to clean out the garage

and I've been taking stuff to the charity shop and I found been taking stuff to the charity shop and I found out that that is a charity shop that your mum frequents all the time I am waiting for the moment

she buys she's gonna buy our shit back and bring it in I guarantee I'm fucking dreading it I guarantee so she buys the kids toys

all the time yeah she's gonna buy back kids toys that I've given in I love that you were in the Gazette, by the way. That was ridiculous, by the way. So when Michael McIntyre came in our house in the middle of the night

and did the game show, there was a couple of bits that got cut out. And one of them was a giant Pikachu came in the room and I had to answer questions about Pokemon. And that Pikachu left a load of merch downstairs. A load of Pikachu merch. Some of it's really know really cool it's in robin's room there's like poker balls like loads of really cool stuff one of them was a giant pikachu teddy which we'd never used so i took to the charity shop and before i left i thought she

was going to get us to sign gifted she went can you come and do us a favor and i thought she was going to get us to sign to say i get gifted so they get more money for the stuff and it wasn't just say can you get a photo with this Pikachu that you handed in? So I took a photo in the charity shop with a Pikachu. My mate phoned us and went, do you know that photo was in this local paper? Sloan Newsday, local paper, Shields Gazette, Chris Ramsey donates giant Pikachu to charity shop. Someone paid 50 quid for it.

No. Apparently so. Shut the front door. I'm telling you. Apparently so. She wasn wasn't she wanted it but and because she likes michael mcintyre and she likes me and she likes pokemon apparently the holy trinity and shut up yeah and she um she wasn't gonna get it and then she won 50 quid on the bingo and then bought it but it might not have been 50 i don't know they wouldn't have put that up for 50 quid i didn't't know. Memorabilia, innit? It's charity, I suppose, at the end of the day.

Crazy. Wow. It was in the paper. I'm going to ghost one round there and they'll not give a shit. I've been in there loads and they've never stopped me. Did you take a four foot Pikachu in? Because I took a four foot Pikachu in. It wasn't four foot.

It was like one foot. That's amazing though. That's great. So yeah. I apologise to everyone who had to see that in the paper I can't imagine what the comments underneath were

on the Facebook paper oh they'll hate they'll hate that shit they'll imagine they're fucking raging yeah look out for more though because we've got loads

of stuff to get rid of there we go there we go he'll be back Pikachu how'd you get no how'd you get Pikachu

on the bus eh eh eh how'd you get Pikachu on the bus eh eh eh how'd you get Pikachu on the bus how'd you get I don't know

Pokemon fantastic well shit hey comic relief's gonna be awesome thank you so much for listening to this week's episode

of Shagged Marlinoid which is part of the a cast creator network for podcasts podcasts thank you so so much for listening we really really do appreciate we don't take it for granted please remember to subscribe on what ridiculous please remember to subscribe or follow on whatever app you're using for your podcasts and uh if you want to get in touch it's shagmountainord at gmail.com and we'll be back in your ears next week bye bye

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