Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 260. Dog In

Episode Date: March 15, 2024

Rosie is getting ready for Comic Relief and Chris is getting annoyed at the remote controls being in the wrong room. There's a pigeon ick, a new beauty regime, a time capsule and a Seal! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shagbound Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello.

Al Reet. Hello, yes, we are Al Reet, which is northeast for are you all right? Are you all right? I am, yeah. I'm good. I'm good. You just said two things. I do like to report back things that you say just before we start the podcast.

Great, thanks for that. First one, very positive. You are sitting with a little Sharpie, doodling. Yeah. And your exact words were, I love writing. I do. I do really enjoy writing. With a good pen, though.

Right. Not a shit pen. Okay. I just really, it's a lovely, it's a silver Sharpie and it's full of ink. Right. Literally, it's brand new. It's fucking bursting at the seams.

I've got loads of ink in it, Lee. Honestly, it's... bursting at the seams. I got loads of ink in it. Honestly. Ink is fuck. I'm just really enjoying it. Full of spunk. No need. Absolutely no need. It was implied.

It was implied. I'm doing comic. I'm going to try. He has something. Yeah. Right? Yeah. I'm not going to swear. You're talking about your new friends.

You're talking about your new friends. No, I'm not going to swear for the rest of this podcast. See if I can do it. Right. Because I've got comic relief. Okay. Tonight rest of this podcast. See if I can do it. Right. Because I've got comic relief. Okay. Tonight. Okay.

Let's see if I can do it. Tonight, we're recording this Wednesday, but as of this coming out on Friday, you will be doing comic relief tonight. God, man, why do you have to do that? What? Just do it as if they're listening in the night. No, because people...

Rosie! There's people in the past who thought Mock the Week was live. There's people who thought Live at the Apollo was live. Yeah, and it really upsets you. People live their lives. I wish, right? There's people who thought Live at the Apollo was live. Yeah, and it really upsets you. But dead people live their lives. I wish, right? There's part of me, love me job and all that,

but there's part of me that's like, I wish I didn't know anything about telly. Right. Why? Because it's nice. What do you mean? Because we know all the backstories. We're behind the curtain now.

It's nice to still sort of not know the magic. I haven't told you this, by the way. You haven't told me this? No. Oh, God. I had a read-through for Comic Relief the other day on Zoom. Never met half of them

and it's just like, hello, hello, hi, hiya. But it was very good. The script looks great. I know what you mean. Zoom's very awkward. Yeah, it is with any, you know, anything.

Did anyone have their camera off? No. God, because that's Snyder's out there, isn't it? No, all very professional, all very lovely. Everyone was really nice.

That's not what you said, but okay, on here you can say that, but that's not what you said after this. I'm joking, all very lovely. Everyone was really nice. That's not what you said, but okay. On here you can say that, but that's not what you said after this. I'm joking, I totally do. I just showed my lack of TV knowledge. Right. Because we go and do the job. I haven't done loads of TV at all, done bits.

I'm much more of a theatre darling. Yeah. We're reading the script, and at one point, it just said in the italics, which is usually the kind of direction one point just said in like the italics which is usually the kind of direction just said dog in right

and I was like dogging so out loud stupidly because I'm an idiot I went dogging what's dogging

and I'm thinking what's this eh I'm thinking someone's wrote this and blah blah and then they all kind of laughed and they were like

that's what we call you know when the thing comes up for the donations in the corner right it's called the dog in like

that's what it's called when the numbers come up right okay when the numbers come up on the screen and you can see where you donate on a script

and in the autocue it's called dog in right and yeah I thought it was thought it was i thought it was dogging dogging as in going to a car park and having sex well i made that so it kind of made that joke and then i thought this is a bit unprofessional right stop it wow wow very good

i've already got my level how embarrassed i can you again can you start to use your maiden name when doing things so you don't i'm just not gonna say anything anymore drag me into the dirt i know but at what point so like i've learned i learned quite quickly to't i'm just not gonna drag me into the dirt i know but at what point so like i've learned i learned quite quickly i'm just don't even say anything because i think i can go in on friday right and pretend that i know what i'm doing yeah even though i don't i know but i'm gonna i'm gonna prop i blag my tits off yeah and i'm not gonna that was a prop i slip on my part yeah stupid shouldn't have asked i mean should have just let it go not shouldn't have asked not for me not shouldn't have asked

should have realised that on you know one of the biggest charity telethons on the BBC that they weren't going to have a section

on dogging no common sense should have prevailed in all honesty well did you think this is the part

where we all go out in the car park and climb into separate cars and we all start dogging is that what you thought this is the part where we all go out in the car park and climb into separate cars and we all start dogging is that what you thought this was no well a part of us

thought is the dog coming on like dog in like Annie like bring the dog in yeah like I'm thinking oh is it blue pita

oh blue pita dog it could have been great okay I just said dog in and I was like that's so weird but that's what it means

so now you know it's probably donation something graphics it probably stands for should I google it means so now you know it's probably donation something graphics it probably stands for should I google it no no because you're

going to get dogging not dog and then in a separate word I doubt it'll be on google it'll just be something like that oh for Christ's sake no I'm not going to

but that's what it means so now we all know so that's good isn't it go for that media job by the way the other thing she said at the beginning that just in case anyone's wondering

is my whole body aches all over I think I'm dying that was another one it went from By the way, the other thing she said at the beginning, just in case anyone's wondering, is me whole body aches all over. I think I'm dying. That was another one. It went from very positive, I love writing with a good pen, full of ink, to me whole body aches, I think I'm dying.

Well, yeah, because, listen, it's the bad week. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's the bad week. It's a good job you haven't got any massive jobs to do this week. Yeah, God. Excellent. I can't organise my life around me sore breasts yeah can i so watch me on comic relief me tits are gonna be hurting and i'm telling you that now you're gonna watch me on there and you'll know that my tits are hurting because i would you want as much as you can because this woman's tits are hurting yeah um did i ever tell about time no no none of the money

will go towards my tits no no thank god did I ever tell you about the time when Russell Kane comedian Russell Kane got me in to do a radio show and I blagged

he told me to blag it and say that I did radio at uni and then I could maybe get like you know maybe do a pilot for us

that had done loads of radio so he told them he got us in to co-host his radio show on like I think it was QFM years ago

and he was like yeah yeah I've told them you did loads of things at uni so just like play it cool and just say that

you did radio at uni and stuff I'm sure I've told you this I think you have yeah I'm sure you've told everyone yeah and he was like

I've told you about 25 times but anyway the person said they went alright we're going to talk now and then while you're talking we'll have the beds oh yeah yeah yeah and I went

beds? yeah I was like oh we're lying down they're like no beds there's the music and I was like. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And I went, beds? Yeah. I was like, oh, lying down? They're like, no, beds is the music. And I was like, I thought he did radio. And I went, no, I didn't.

And he was like, yeah, funny. Like, if you'd have done radio, that's 101. I wouldn't know what the beds were. I wouldn't know what the beds were. You would have known. God, sorry. See, the dog in is quite a,

I don't know, I mean, shame on me. Davina might not even know what that means. Thinking bed, yeah, but I bet she didn't fucking, Davina might not know, but I bet Davina doesn't go,

we will go dogging, by the way. Eh? Oh, God, you know how hard it is to get jizz off a windscreen. Make sure you wipe, make sure your windscreen washer fluid's full. Fool. Now listen. Nice to meet you, Sir Lenny. Big fan. Oh,

I'm so excited for you to do your farewell debut on Comic Relief. Now listen, thank you so much for you to do your farewell debut on Comic Relief. Now, listen, thank you so much for listening. This is episode 260. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for listening to us. And without further ado, it's time for this week's... That's a nice milestone.

Yes. 260 and you still don't realise that this is where the money's made. I've got to do my sponsor. All the sponsors. I've got to do my sponsor. Sorry, everyone. Very short one this week. Short and sweet.

This week's sponsor is people who put their ears inside their caps. The fuck are you doing? Stop doing it. Your hat's too big. Hang on. Pack it in.

Is that a thing? I've seen, recently, I've seen a spate of people with their ears inside their caps. I don't think it's cool. I don't know if their cap's too big.

Well, if they've got big ears then they can't... Look, I'm not here to shame or talk about it. All I'm saying is don't be ashamed of your ears if they're big. Ears are great.

It just means you'll be hearing good stuff. A cap, a baseball cap... Tell that to any 10-year-old with lots of ears. Yes. Listen, don't you get your ears pinned back because you can hear better than anyone else. Listen, stop it.

I've seen it a couple of times now right absolutely sick of it I've never noticed it and I'm going to keep an eye out guaranteed they're the same people who don't put their ears

in woolly hats so they'll put their ears in the carpet and they'll put a woolly hat on and it'll be bounced on the top of their head like a fucking smurf like the little mini

the mini beanie yeah have you seen that Paul Rudd video no oh it's cute it's a good song I'm not on the internet

he does a song about like the teeny weeny beeny. Teeny weeny beeny. Good, yeah. You didn't know the Oscars what? I didn't know the Oscars was the other day

because I'm avoiding the UFC so I haven't been on Instagram for about four days now. Oh, I cried watching Oscars videos the other day. Great. Why?

Because when people win I get sad. When people win you get sad. Like happy emotions. It's nice. It's nice happy sad happy sad

yeah good what was I going to say well this is on the intro so okay right it's something I've never noticed about the caps

but I'll keep a lookout yeah people do it it's like another one but you're meant to put your ears in a beanie aren't you yeah but not in a cap okay

it's the kind of people who leave the stickers on the cap and leave the peak really flat. Well, that's the fashion. Them kind of caps. Get your ears out of your cap. It looks ridiculous.

Stop it. People might think you look ridiculous when you wear your BJJ shorts over your tracksuit leggings things. But I didn't say that. That wasn't from me. That sounds like it. No, look at me in the eyes.

That wasn't from me. I didn't say that, but somebody else. Who said it then? Somebody else who's seen you might say, that's icky as out. And that's,

God, Jesus, who has sex with him? Me. Right. Sad. Great. So.

Can I win, can I? No. He hasn't, oh, it doesn't matter actually. No. No, come on. Come on. I don't know why this came to my brain.

Yeah. But we've got rehearsals for Comic Relief. I'm just Comic Relief. Oh, you're doing Comic Relief? I'm just... Did you work in Rhodes? Imagine Comic Relief was in Rhodes. I think your head would explode.

Oh, my God. Oh, imagine. It'd be amazing. I'm taking extra clothes for the rehearsals. Right. Because I get, like, nervous, sweaty. Right. And I want to smell.

Oh, that's good. Just so you know. Yeah. When you dare have a go at me, I'll have shorts on, over my leggings When I'm going to do BJJ Yeah

Unbelievable Disgusting Goodbye Poor co-presenters Smelly Just Layered up Changing their clothes

Sweating through them Shocking I'm very aware as well Of how short I'm going to be In rehearsals Compared to everyone else Compared to everyone else You Compared to everyone else. You've got some tall

cool hosts. I know. They're all shit. Can we take a minute? Chris they're all massive. Everyone's six foot plus apart from probably

Davina and Maya Jammer. But they're quite tall women. Yeah. They're not short. You're right. Maya Jammer and Davina they're fucking not short.

When it said dog game did they not mean you? Oh, don't, because you already know I'm nervous about standing next to my ajama and doing the crawl. You're beautiful. Stop it.

You're going to be great. There's going to be some guys in between them. They're all really tall and in rehearsals they're going to go, why have you got this short woman

to do this yeah oh jesus because she's funny and she'll do a great job stop it get out of your head all right now come on i'm gonna do it drunk no you're not although i think we all want you to but no you're not but now come on in ruin dog in let's go you join us back on shagmire Uninoid as Rosie is frantically Googling the heights of all of the other hosts of Comic Relief. Rosie, over to you.

My ajama is 5'8". Okay. I typed in how tall is Davina McCall and it just came up with 1.7 metres. And that sounds massive to me. Why has Davina gone metric? I don't know. All Claudia Wilkeman is 1.65. I that sounds massive to me well why's why's Davina gone metric I don't know all Claudia Wilkeman

is 1.65 well I don't know why but hang on it says here she's 5 foot 6 who Davina yes right

so that's still she's still got 5 inches I'm 5 foot 1 and she'll have heels on well I'll have heels on but then I'll not catch up it'll just be the same it's going to cancel it out

isn't it and I'm not wearing that high heels because I want to be comfortable God forbid that I'd be uncomfortable, you stupid bitch. Oh, anyway.

It'll be fine. It'll be fine. I am going to be. I don't do they know how small I am? Do they know? What do you mean? Do they know how short I am? I mean, there is a there is a rumor going around that you're six foot four. Oh, five foot seven, it says here. IMDB. It says that you're 6'4". Oh, 5'7", it says here. IMDB.

It says that you're 5'7". No, Davina. It's probably better to go up IMDB. She's got an extra inch then. Does my height come up? I'm probably not famous enough. You join us now. I'm tall. It's Rosie Ramsey. Rosie Googles her own height.

No, it doesn't even... No. No. Oh, 5'2". Oh, you've got an extra inch there. You've got an extra inch. Look at that. No. Oh, five foot two. Ooh. Oh, you've got an X-Range there. You've got an X-Range. Look at that.

Don't believe anything you read on the internet. Her hair colour is also black. That's not me. It's a different person. Okay. 58 kilogramme sister. I'm talking about one of your shits. That's definitely not me.

Who's this? Who's this person? This is... Right. This is not me. Listen, who's this person this is right this is not me listen can I just say 58 kilograms I am so happy that you have to go down

two days early for rehearsal because I'm fucking sick of hearing about what you're going to wear how tall people are oh my god just go and do a good job

and raise money for charity and don't swear you'll be really good 57 kilograms is like 8.9 that is nice didn't your mum tell you she was like 4 stone or something the other day oh she was and don't swear you'll be really good 57 kilograms is like 8.9 that isn't alright

didn't your mum tell you she was like 4 stone or something the other day and was really angry oh god she's about 4 stone or something your mum no she was like

well I don't think you should say a woman's weight but she's 5 stone up 6 stone she's only 7 and a half stone she was like

yeah I've put on I was like you can you can literally get in that bin me and my sister I think we're already a disowner

oh how the other half live she's like I'm just really small I'm like you're the same height as me no anyway

it's going to be meant I'm just being I'm just having a laugh haven't swore yet have you not good yes you are you said bitch

oh that's fine I think I'm on that's fine I think I'm on after 10 I think offcom would disagree with you you said you weren't

going to swear and you called you shouted bitch about two minutes later they'll be far too involved with the dog in the bomb lids you said fart

far too so right let's carry on let's stop talking about this listen listen I'm going to change the subject quite drastically here I want to do something

professional though no hope you enjoy the show and please donate if you can oh good you know it's such a good cause

it's Lenny's last show it is it's going to be great it's going to be great now listen

just to get you back into the world of Shagmarinoid I've got a would you rather that I saw online the other day okay

okay would you like to dive in straight in with this very much it's very much on my brand right okay

definitely the kind of thing I would talk about with my friends right are you ready yeah would you rather fight an orangutan once a year It's very much on my brand list. Right, okay. Definitely the kind of thing I would talk about with my friends. Right. Are you ready?

Yeah. Would you rather fight an orangutan once a year with a sword, or... They've got a sword. You've got a sword. What about them? I think a one-on-one orangutan would fucking destroy you. Okay. Any kind of primate, I feel like, chimp upwards, one-on-one,

would destroy a human, most humans. Yeah, but if you've got a sword... Famously, Mike Tyson once asked a zookeeper if he could pay him something like $10,000 to get in an enclosure with a silverback and fight him at the height of his fame. And the zookeeper thankfully said no. But the silverback gorilla

would have ripped Mike Tyson's head off and that's Mike Tyson. Anyway, would you rather fight an orangutan once a year with a sword, right? So you've got a sword

and the orangutan's coming for you and you've got to fight it off with a sword once a year. You can pick the date, right? Or have to fight a chicken every time you get in your car i just saw it before i answer firstly everybody thank you for listening just let you know we came

third in the top 25 podcast um but i'm now going to answer this, would you rather? Because it's actually, it's really got it. So I, once a year, no, it would have to be the chickens and it would be horrible. There's no way,

I'm not fighting in a rank and time. Tell you what, you'd walk a lot more places if every time you had to get in your car, you had to fight the chicken. Why would you fight, would the chickens not get used to it and go,

yeah, just get in. It's a new chicken every time. And it's an angry chicken every time. The angriest, like mad. How heavy is the sword? No, I don't want to fight an orangutan. Yeah, I don't think I could do the orangutan.

No, I wouldn't do the orangutan, right? Where is the chicken? Hey, listen. Have you ever strapped, well, I know you have, but you listening, have you ever strapped a toddler into a car seat who doesn't want to get in? Yeah. Give us the chicken any day.

Well, I think with the chicken, I mean, the main thing with the chicken is it's going to be shitting all over my car and we'll be devastated that there's a chicken in my car. Or maybe it's in front of my car

and I have to fight it to get to my car. Can you, why don't you have a washing basket so that as soon as you open the car door you can just kind of go, get it out the way and go,

can I go on with your day? Yeah, I suppose. I'll have a couple of eggs. So there's a few things I would, yeah, so you can either just like open the door and it comes out at you and go, can I go on with your day? Yeah, I suppose. I'll have a couple of eggs. So there's a few things I would, yeah, so you can either just like open the door and it comes out at you

and you just run around in a circle and jump in and slam the door and drive off. But then maybe it chases you all day. I don't know what the crack is. No, man.

That's the snail all over again. Right, okay. No. Okay. Well, or you could, I mean, you'd eat a lot more chicken, jump in, snap its neck,

chicken for tea again. I don't know I could do that. What's for tea? Chicken again. Dad, why? Why do you keep fighting chickens? I did a thing on the internet, right? Do you want us to, up its neck chicken for tea again I don't think I could do that what's for tea chicken again dad why why do you keep fighting chickens I did a thing

on the internet right do you want us to do you want us to fight a fucking orangutan once you're over the sword because that's much more dangerous for daddy

it really is yeah it's a good one that where did you see that just I don't know I saw it when I was drunk so I went through and I screen grabbed it

so it must have been before Saturday because I'm avoiding the UFC still so it must have been so I did it when I avoiding the ufc still um so it must have been i saw i did it when i was drunk the other day and i went through my photos and i spotted it and i was like i forgot to tell you i've seen a video on instagram of this lad this guy oh gosh i don't follow him but he's done loads of funny stuff he's a very funny guy and like skits and that like

really funny um he did this one what you sound? You sound like someone's auntie telling them about you. Don't know it. Don't follow him. Don't know his name, but just funny skits. Just funny skits and stuff. It just come up on my page. And he did one where he was saying like most podcasts nowadays, and it was just two blokes or like people just,

I don't think there's any women in it. And they were on a podcast like this and doing like a really monkey would you rather and I was like yeah yeah is that is he taking the make out of our podcast personally we really do would you rather to be fair I would do when I see one that really really sort of tickles me pickle I do think it might be named at us but that's fine listen hey gotta have your critics and i love it that i genuinely really enjoy would you rather because it really gets you thinking yeah really really gets you thinking i used to love them at school you know it's cool when they were like what would you rather have fish fingers for fingers or hot dogs for toes and i would be like thinking for a long time

yeah genuinely thinking just about eating fish fingers or hot dogs well i don't think you would eat your fingers you would I probably would actually starve and I'd be like well don't they grow back eat me hands eat me hands yeah

there we go babadoo babadoo babadoo something happened the other day okay and I don't feel like if you are a 90s child

in the 80s or a 90s child then you will understand where I'm coming from but I don't know if it's even appropriate to say nowadays oh this is always exciting

I went to my mum's the other night to pick Rafe up and my mum and Rafe were playing a game of running around and hitting each other with their slippers

right Rafe had one of my mum's slippers and she had the other slipper and they were running around chasing each other and hitting each other just like you know gently and all that and I was just like oh yeah funny

now is it mom turned it into a game of you know sandra my emotional scarring is not your game yeah i said it and we did laugh so that was good but yeah it was just good I want them observations where you go yeah I remember that very differently in her defence in her defence she never actually caught

she never actually did it in her defence but it was very much threatened very much in her hand very much chased but she never actually did it in her defence but it was very much threatened very much in her hand and very much chased but she never actually did it I think I definitely got a smack bum

when I was little I definitely got a smack bum oh for sure for sure never that hard but I definitely felt hard felt hard

your mum is not a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper

a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper

a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper

a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper

a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper

a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper

a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper

a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slipper a slip I threaten her no I don't think so no and she just had you so I think her levels of tolerance were probably a lot higher than me mum's yeah she had three

going mental when we were at a certain age me mum was just you would look at her and she would just be like volcanic yeah like a volcanic cat

do you know what it is I get it yeah oh god I get it get it oh god when our two kick off. Oof.

Oh, I know. Oof. It's intense. Everyone out there with over two kids, with more than two children, hats off to you. You are, I mean, you've lost your minds for having more than two, but you know, you're warriors. Well done. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

It's time for What's Your Beef? What is your beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. We had beef last night for tea and then heated some up today for breakfast. Steak. Oh, it was absolutely lovely. Steak for breakfast.

From the butchers. Check your privilege. Does anyone else's butcher just pay fast and loose with what time they shut? I think the butcher on your road, he just gets bored and just fucking packs up shop. Good for him. Yeah.

It's his business, why the hell not? He's probably been in since five o'clock in the morning, bloody bacon and steaks. Bacon and steaks. No,

but he might have been in dead early, setting everything up and chopping everything and you know. Yeah. I don't know, I get it.

I like, you know, I like that people just sort of live their own, live their own time deal but it is annoying when it's a shop or whatever

and they go oh yeah we're just restaurants that do it really fuck me off curry houses when we were on tour curry houses

would do it quite a lot just whenever they want Carl would like phone them up and try and book you know I'll come and book for like

you know half past nine or whatever and they'd be like yeah yeah and sometimes you'd get there and they'd be like oh yeah

we've been quite alright so we'll just shut and you go but I've booked for half nine that's why there's something really sort of special about supermarkets and stuff

because you just know what you're getting don't you you know what time it opens and you know what time it closes and then you're just nice i still love walking around the supermarket at night like oh yeah before any responsibilities absolutely i remember when the asda's first opened at 20 24 hours and i first learned to drive and i was 17 and i would literally drive and i'd be like looking dvs at Asda at fucking one o'clock in the morning. I know.

Good times. Not worrying about having to go to bed early. Not thinking that I've got to be up for this or I can just lie in. I cannot relax in our house anymore.

No? No, I can't. If we have a day where the kids aren't here and like if we get work done in the morning or whatever and if I've got a couple hours once upon a time

I could have just loafed all day I mean you kind of you kind of can you can loaf if me and the kids are there you can loaf if yous are there I can

that's the difference if yous are there if me little families around us I can relax when yous aren't there I can't relax that's the time when

I've got to get up and down and get absolutely everything for you what's happening why are you doing this I am just letting everyone know that you're full of shit. Do you know what it is? You, literally, right?

I'm going to swear here and I'm so sorry. No, no, comic relief, don't you dare. Right, okay then. You, whenever we are not on this podcast, you are so far up my bum, right? Up my behind. You kiss my behind constantly, right? Your licky, licky little arse, right? Off-cam, yeah, she said bum. little little little ass right no he's probably

yours you just like obsessed with us right get on this podcast on the fence about bum you get on this podcast and you you bring it and you start yeah being a dick like why why are you doing that don't off don't offer us don't say do you want a coffee in bed if you're gonna then because i know what that's what you're talking about if you're then going to bring it back on here don't because i was really complimentary about you to the hairdresser yesterday and now i feel like i shouldn't be that's to me that to me tells me that you were complimenting me to the hairdresser through fucking gritted teeth

and it's been hanging on you ever since. I wasn't. I wasn't. What are you doing complimenting me to the hairdresser?

I can't remember what we were talking about. Oh there we go. It was broghing my hairdresser we were talking about like husbands She's also my hairdresser which is going to be awkward.

Just people just sometimes if men don't pull their weight in marriages and whatever or you know whatever and now I said

Chris is like an amazing dad. And I was like, he's just so hands-on, proper modern day dad, dead, you know, like we're 50-50 with everything. But then you come on here and you give it the biggin', pack it in. Oh, I'm sorry, look. All right, cards on the table.

You tried to come downstairs this morning and I begged you to stay upstairs. Exactly. Because when both of us were downstairs in the morning, they turn into a couple of dickheads and i don't know why when both parents are there our kids just go oh it's like a performance they're like oh you're both here we're gonna switch it on but it was i was like please please i'll bring you a coffee up don't come down because they're settling but then you come on here yeah and you say that all you do is bloody put every around after us which is not true

well did I bring you a coffee upstairs you did case closed anyway what's your beef that what is my beef hang on let's have a look

we've been getting on alright I've got beef for you if you want me to go first while you're having a look go on then you have started and I don't like it it needs to stop

I need you to switch your brain on and make sure you stop doing it. You've started transporting TV remotes from room to room. No. And it's getting us down. When did I do it? You did it the other day. There was two in one room, there was two in the bedroom,

and then the other day you got one from the kitchen and you walked away with it. Do you know what it is? Sometimes I'm just walking from a room and I've got it in my hand. Put the remote down. I can't bear it. It's honestly, you know me, I walked into our bedroom

and there was two of the exact same remote on the side of the bedside table. I was nearly sick. I was like, I don't know what's going on. I was in the kitchen and there was a TV remote

on the kitchen island. I went, what the hell's going on here? But the thing is, we're quite loyal to one brand of telly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we found one

that we're like, so it's the same remote but so what? What's upsetting you? No, I just it needs to be the right one. You hear that because I'm one of them people

that if the batteries run out in a remote instead of looking for a battery I'll just swap the remote for the other. Oh God. So it's happened there. So I could

for all I know they're not even with their same tellies now. I'm going to be sick. It's my nose bleeding. This is awful. Stop it. Right.

That's it. Oh, he's going to stick it. You've done it. He's going to put stickers on. You've done it. What are you doing? I'm going on Amazon now. I'm getting a label maker.

No, don't. Just write it in Sharpie. Pass that silver Sharpie. Yeah, you can have that one. My beef with you, I've got one here. Yeah. You've started a new

little beauty regime. Yes. Because everyone says I look like shit. Yeah. Oh, awful. So you've started using me creams and that.

Yeah. But it's really awful when you come through on a night out to wherever I am or whatever and you go, can you do me face?

I want to die a little bit i've actually stopped because all your creams were getting this acne came out in lots of spots he was coming back so i found it took me years to find a moisturizer that sorted me out that i didn't moisturize for years i've got oily skin anyway then someone was like you need to moisturize if you've got oily skin you're meant to use stuff like oily stuff it's weird it's like no because i've used yours yours that you someone someone told me the idea that thought you had if you've got oily skin you're meant to use stuff like oily stuff it's weird it's like a counteract no because I've used yours yours that you someone

someone told me the idea that they thought you had really nice skin it was a really strange thing for someone to say it was I can't remember who said it anyway who when where was I

this is nice someone just said your wife's got lovely skin and I went oh thank you you sound like you sound like the bloke of Silence of the Lambs

it puts the lotion on it's skin do you want to make a fucking jacket out of her pervert yes I started start getting spots but I've honestly

hey just so you all know everyone out there who tells us like shit when you see us in public you give us a complex I'm doing all kinds of shit I've got a fucking eye mask

that looks like I'm on Star Trek that I put on there's hell on pack it in it has actually got better it has a bit yeah it works quite well so thank you

should I say thank you maybe they've pushed us to look after yourself a bit of self works it works quite well so thank you should I say thank you maybe they've pushed us to look after yourself a bit of self help alright well okay well thank you it's mad that men don't moisturise and cleanse

and tone and all that like I find it insane I'm not cleansing and toning so what they've done there is I wash look I wash me face don't invent another word don't take the same word

cleanse which means wash and then use it to mean something else but it's a cleanser no it's not that's washing like I've washed it and I've moisturised all right well listen toning what's this face gym

no i don't actually tone i don't think i do i will wash and i will moisturize and i will put me night vision goggle heat thing on again which makes us look like the guy off you know at the end of silence of the lambs where he's following around in the dark the worst I can't remember night vision goggles is that when the oh here we go is that knock on wood it's Clarice yeah when he's in the

I know that but is it the same film or am I getting it mixed up with Texas Chainsaw Massacre is it the same film where he's like

leather he puts people's skin on him he's trying to make a female like a suit of women's skin. Of women's skin. Yeah.

Yes. Well, I have got the right thing. Yeah. Awful, by the way. And at the end, she goes into the basement of this house that he's in, and he turns all the lights off, and he's got night vision goggles, and he's walking around after with night vision goggles on. It's terrifying.

Amazing film. Jodie Foster. Love. Love. What's his name again? Buffalo Bill. No. The main guy. Oh, the... Anthony Hopkins. I kind of like that. Anthony Hopkins. Gene. Jodie Foster. Love. Love. What's his name again? Buffalo Bill. No. The main guy.

Oh, the... Anthony Hopkins. Hannibal Lecter. Anthony Hopkins. Genius. He did really well there. Thank you. I have seen some stuff.

Anthony Hopkins left school with no qualifications. Love him even more. Don't you expect that he'd be really clever? Isn't that amazing? I mean, he probably is. But, yeah.

Just surprises you. Oh, yeah. Chris, I know some really clever people who are the thickest people I've ever met in my entire life makes no sense

but okay no but they're very clever on paper and very like you know absolutely no common sense and zero social skills and I go

oh I'd rather rather be thick as mints and just be nice thick as mints not that they're not nice but you know what I mean thick as mints thick as mints

is that not a thing it's great thick as mints and dull as dishwater there you go oh god I don't trust him he could peel an orange

in his pocket I've never understood that one he's like it was my mum it was my mum's mate Jan who said it

and I just thought it was genius he could peel an orange in his pocket he's so sly he could peel an orange in his pocket so like you'd never know

you'd think he was playing with his balls yeah no because you would never know they're so sly that they could peel an orange in his pocket so like you'd never know but you think you'd think he's playing with his balls yeah no because you would never know they're so sly that they could peel an orange in their pocket so they're just aren't looking at you they just peel a full orange yeah but then you'd get what at some point they'd have to get the orange out of their pocket and you'd go sorry did you peel that before you came out the house you'd say that's sly you wouldn't you'd go did you do you peel that before you came out the house and then put it in your pocket you're gonna peel it your pocket then you go oh well you peel that before you came out the house and then put it in your pocket? You'd go, no, I peel it in my pocket then. And you'd go, oh, well,

why didn't you just get it out of your pocket and peel it so it could all see it? Why are you? And you'd go, because I'm sly. And you'd go, oh, well, I know you're sly now. Not that fucking sly, are you? Why'd you have to ruin everything? Do you know that word you wrote, then?

Hey, we're talking next level shit this week. Oh, my God, Steve. Next level shit. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway

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for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone.

Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. Public.

It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. Public. As always, if you'd like to get in touch, it's shaggedmaridenoid at gmail.com. Thank you in advance. Starting with a little ick here.

My boyfriend of two years tried to scare away a pigeon on the street and it didn't even flinch. Ick. So I left him for the pigeon because I need some, I need an alpha male to protect me. I just picture them having sex. You're not into this, love. Are you? Are you thinking about that pigeon?

No, no, Darren, I'm not. You are. You're thinking about the pigeon, aren't you? I'm sorry, I can't fly, Denise. We went to see Migration, didn't we, at the cinema with the kids? Never again, by the way. The film was brilliant, but never again going to the pictures with the kids. But the pigeons and that were really good.

Okay. Yeah. Oh, man. He's trying to scare it away and it didn't budge. Oh, no. Look at you. It's just like... Oh, in a perfect world,

there'd be a bus stop full of teenagers as well and they'd go, Oh, look at you. That might be my new favourite ick. That is my new favourite ick. Trying to scare a pigeon away and it not moving. He tried to shoo it away and it didn't move. Oh, how devastating

they've got brazen like they've got very brazen pigeons and seagulls well we're surrounded by seagulls where we live oh oh I was in Asda in South Shields

yesterday I was in the underground car park bit at the back a seagull circled us twice and just landed right in front of us but it was in the

no way it was in the underground car park so it was almost like it was indoors and it just circled twice and it landed when they've got their wings out oh they're massive i know oh my god you genuinely can't eat along our safe front you can't eat because they will swoop down and steal your food oh my god i've just remembered something so i was going from i went to bjj the other day but before i went there i had to go down king street and go to a

shop and i went so i walked down like the back lane of King Street and there was a seagull and it was limping and I had to catch myself because I literally went, oh, you're all right and I said it out loud

and then I had to look around to make sure no one was around because just without thinking, I was in my own little head and it was like limping on one foot and I was like, oh, you're,

it's sad seeing birds that are limping and that because wildlife, so you can't, pigeon with absolutely goosed feet off them, you off them when people put glue and stuff on things or the spikes Is that how it happens? Pigeons with just like absolute goosed feet

Or without a foot at all I know It's sad It is sad isn't it? Because there's nothing you can do about it Read some stories now on email because I've made myself really sad thinking about pigeons and seagulls with bad legs

It used to be quite a big part of my life thinking about ringing the RSPCA when I was younger. Yeah? Just, you know, I don't know. Isn't that weird? As an adult, I never think about having to ring like the police or the RSPCA. When I was younger, like a teenager,

I think I used to just go out a lot more. I used to think about it all the time and be like, eh, what if something happens today and I have to ring the RSPCA? Do you know why? Or like the police. So basically your do-goodery and annoyance of, I'll do it, miss. Who's got to volunteer?

Me, miss. That basically spilled over into your teenage life as well. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. And do you not remember? What if I have to do something today and volunteer? When we were younger, though. So you had, there was a lot of programs that were about that,

that I used to watch. Yeah. 999. Yeah. And there was an RS about that that I used to watch. Yeah. 999. Yeah. And there was an RSPC animal hospital. There. Yeah. I think I was just

looking for it. Have I ever told you about when I found a seal on the beach in Shields? No. Yeah. Me and my mates went out for a jog.

Right. Right. Right. When, where, which part? The groin. The groin? Yeah. The groin, groin yeah the groin

which is in between the in between the the piers is it in between North Shields and South Shields it's on the north end

of Shields Pier it's the beach that's at the north end of South Shields main pier okay and a couple of things about this

first of all it was when me and my mates used to we must have hit like 15, 16 I don't know we'd finished school so I must have been 16 and we used to go jogging hit like 15 16 i know we'd finished school so i must have been 16

and uh we used to go jogging in the summer one of them always used to wear jeans jogging awful still upsets us to this day don't know i used to have a quarter and he used to he used to kick off and you got really defensive about it he was like because i because i want to so he'd wear what we're all like you know we're listening to blink one or two and some 41 more like skater like the eclipse jeans uh sort of yeah like skater boys. Were they like the Eclipse jeans? Sort of, yeah, like skater boy jeans. He literally wore a pair. He looked like he was running to get his skateboard.

That's what he looked like. Keep rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling. What? Bang on. That song. Precisely. That's Limp Bizkit, but yes. First of all, we're out in jeans.

When we all stopped and we were all in shorts and that and he's in jeans, we looked like we weren't even together. But yeah, we saw a seal and it was just sort of lying and it was when i think back it was kind of just chilling in the sun okay and we phoned up like the rspc or whatever and a guy came down with one of them you know the things that did you have a mobile or did you have to go to a payphone i think we i think there was some old ladies and we were talking to the old ladies about it and I think one of them phoned someone

and the guy came down and he had the thing where it's like a hoop and he put it around its neck and he put it a turnaround hooch it was a it was heroin

he put it around its neck it went it looked like it just looked like a little you know a little cat or a dog lying there it was dead chill lying in the sun

was it dead? no it was fine it was alive it was looking about and that I remember I think we poured some water on it and it was fine and then why didn't you just let it back in the sea well we're sort of like we're like oh it needs to go back in the sea i don't know why we thought it needed to go back in the sea and i don't know why this guy but he came and he put

the thing around it and it went fucking ballistic and then it like thrashed around a bit and it like banged its head off a rock and it's like mouth was bleeding and then it eventually went in on its own and i was like i think i think we should have just left that i think us and the bloke should have just left it right yeah yeah it was kind of like it was just i imagine it was going dangerous though are seals dangerous that one was mental so yeah probably so that's the thing yeah yeah well fair enough oh gosh it was it was fuming we ruined its day we essentially ruined a seal's day. Honestly, you've kind of ruined my day by telling us that story.

Good stuff. One, I feel sorry. Well, the pigeon thing did me in, so I won one. All right, I feel a bit sorry for the seal. And two, I'm so jealous you got to ring the RSB. Very good. In the flesh?

God, I'd have died. I don't want to report something. In the flesh? God, I'd have died. I don't want to report something. Sorry, I don't think I've ever run 999. Is this Rosie Winter again? Because the last three times we came out, it was just one of your friends dressed in a dog costume. The wood started somewhat as a different Rosie Winter.

I don't think I've ever run 999. And that's a good thing. It is a good thing. So stop it. Check your privilege. Check your fucking privilege. Oh yeah, okay. Hi Chris and Rosie.

Please keep me anonymous. Yep. Anonymous. Anonymous. Anonymous. I'm in my early 20s. All right, show off. And have been subjected to the delight of online dating.

I've got some stories, but I think this one tops them all. Isn't it nuts that back in the day, online dating was a last resort for older people and dating apps and stuff, and now people in their early 20s are just lashing it in? It's the only way. It's the way of doing it now. Yeah.

Isn't it mad? I don't even know how you would meet someone nowadays. I don't go anywhere. Yeah, but you're not singling in your early 20s, though, you mindfucker. Maybe I am in my head. Right, let's crack on. I was talking to this lad, and he seemed pretty normal. And we were having a good time chatting.

They always seem pretty normal. That's what we all do. We all try our hardest to seem pretty normal. And then you get in, and all of the layers drop away and you're with someone who's just as fucked up as you, but that's fine. You can help each other. Yeah.

One night, he asked if I wanted to see something, so I said, sure. In what context? Are they there? Are they sitting with each other? Are they on the bed? Picture. So it's pictures.

So he's just texting to see if they want to see something. Do you want to see something? Oh, cryptic, cryptic. Don't like that. Yeah, I know. Do you want to guess what it is?

Uh, is there any preamble to this? He just says, do you want to see something? She says yes. Yeah, you seem pretty normal.

We're having a good time chatting. One night he asked if I wanted to see something, so I said sure. Is it something to do with, so I said, sure. Is it something to do with,

is he like double jointed or can he do something weird with his body and he sent that? Do you want to see something and say he's got two belly buttons or, you know, extra nipple? Okay, or he can do the crab. Yeah, or he can, you know, suck his own dick or something.

Like, something like that. Okay. No, it's not. Okay. I opened the picture to find that he had written my name on a shaft in biro this is dead

i don't know what's funny a shaft of biro and it says, I was looking at my name scribbled on this lad's dick. I responded by saying that it was a good job my name is only short. That was your next question.

That was your next question. Could you imagine if it was any longer? He would have had to write it all the way around. Question for Chris. Sorry. Round.

So he wrote it sideways. He didn't write it lengthways. Oh no, he did write it lengthways and if it was longer he had to go round. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he wrote it sideways. He didn't write it lengthways. Oh, no, he did write it lengthways, and if it was a long guy, he had to go round. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Question for Chris. Yeah?

Would it not hurt writing on it in viral? No, but getting that off would hurt. How would it not hurt? Because it wouldn't. It's just skin. It wouldn't hurt. It's not like... If you wrote it on your bell end,

it probably wouldn't be fun, but if you write it just on the skin... Is a person who doesn't have a penis, I have no idea what it feels like. Is it dead sensitive or is it just... No, like... Okay, there you go. Here's a conversation we've never had before.

What part of your skin and your body does it feel like? So what does it feel like? To touch it. So not what does it feel like, the sensation of touching. Is it the same as grabbing your arm? It's not the same as that dead skin on your elbow. Elephant skin. So you can't squeeze it and go mad.

It's like your cheek. It's like touching your own cheek. Oh, okay. Yeah, I would say so. And you could write in pen on your cheek. Oh, this is going to be one of them things where I say, it's not like, and everyone else in the world, is this going to be one of them things where I say, like, it's not, like, and everyone else in the world,

am I going to find out I'm weird? Is everyone else going to go like, oh, Byro would absolutely kill, and I'm like, well, it wouldn't hurt me. I don't know. At least you've just got a super hot cock. Don't like that very much. Yeah, no, you could easily write on it,

but scrubbing it off would be awful. You'd just have to wait for it to come off naturally. Imagine writing just under your eye here, where your skin's a little bit thinner, imagine writing someone's name there with biro. It wouldn't hurt, but if you had to get that off... Yeah. I mean, you could...

You'd just have to take time. Unless he's dating multiple women, he probably could just leave it. It would just come off over time. But that's awful. I'm all right for saying my name on someone's knob. So had they sex at the time i don't know there's no more details because it's how many letters is our name four oh okay then um wow well i mean that is so bold in it it's just wrong how many how many times has that worked i don't know i'm sure we've had this before something

similar to this but something we might have done it on tour. I can't remember. It just seems familiar. I don't think it's the same one because obviously I would have logged it. But I think we've had somebody who's wrote their name in pen on their dick. I believe porn is to blame.

Why? Because I just think porn makes... Whenever a lad whips his knob out in porn, the women are like, Woohoo! There's a knob! And they're like, it's the greatest thing that's ever happened to them.

It doesn't happen in real life. So he's thinking, well, she's going to love the sight of me knob. And if I write her name on me knob, wedding bells. No, she's going to... What are you doing that for, you perv? I don't want to upset anyone.

I'm not going to say it. Okay. Sorry, you don't want to upset people who write people's names on... No, I don't want to upset anyone I'm not going to say it okay sorry are you you don't want to upset people or write people's names on no I don't want to upset any men with penises who think that like

that we're buzzing to say them right but I've just said it no I know but deep down you might still have a little bit of hope that we get buzzing

off them no no I've done routines about it and everything don't bother we don't yeah no

bit intrusive actually yeah just hey yeah yeah bit intrusive yeah goes in us you know like it's like you've got to really be as a female don't yeah no bit a bit intrusive actually yeah just hey yeah yeah a bit intrusive yeah it goes

in us you know like it's like you've got to really be as a female you've got to really really be in the mood because it's like it's in you it goes in you it's not just like something that's surface level right just to let you know yeah and if you've got if you're gonna put your penis in someone wipe the biro off first get that but we that. Come on. We'll get ink poisoning. I don't think that's a thing, but come on. Could be. I would use that to get out of it. I think ink poisoning was a thing made up at school that the teachers made up

so you'd stop sucking your pen and writing on stuff. Do you think? Yeah, don't write on your hand, you'll get ink poisoning. I think that's what... Like when you tried to do a tattoo with a compass. Did you do that? No, I didn't. That's really, really weird.

And when people did that, I found it very, very strange and very, very weird. Oh, I didn't. That's really, that's really, really weird. And when people did that, I found it very, very strange and very, very weird. Oh, I didn't know. I'm about to Google this. I kind of did it. Is ink poisoning real? Oh.

It is real. Drawing on your skin with a pen can also increase the risk of infection. Yeah. When you draw on your skin, you create small abrasions

that can provide an entry point for bacteria. Ah, right. So, if he's written it on his dick and he's had to push in, he might have done little cuts in the skin. So he could have. Yeah, stupid. Might be dead now, this fella. But her name will live on forever.

Cause of death. An unbelievably romantic gesture. Oh, God. Just going to add don't write a lass's name on your dick in ink to the encyclopedia of things I'm going to tell my children when they hit 16. Oh, just don't. Honestly.

Dreading it. Dreading it. Hello, long time emailer. Oh, long time emailer. First time listener. I think they're trying to be funny. And I fell for it. I'm on board with that.'m on board with that you got it well done well done i thought i would email him because listening to a recent episode has jogged my memory of something that happened while i was in primary school this is my these are my favorite emails

in when a little on the best conversations mean you ever have is when it's a little unlocked memory oh yeah something else has brought up the best like the seal on the beach well no one enjoyed that but you know they're all great some of them are just sad but I got to think

of your mate and his jeans jogging so that's made my day honestly inside of his groin and his gooch must have been a nightmare bad

kept the jeans on all day as well we went on holiday together and he wore jeans on holiday every day as well mad I went to primary school

in North Wales a place called Llandudunno Junction We went on holiday together and he wore jeans on holiday every day as well. Mad. I went to primary school in North Wales, a place called Llandudno Junction, in brackets, for Rosie. Don't worry about the... Llandudno.

Llandudno. That's it. I've heard of that before. Yes. Llandudno. Because our tour manager, Paul, bangs on about it all the time

because he's from right near there, isn't he? Well, there you go. That's why I've heard of it. Don't worry about the pronunciation. The locals just call it Junction. Right. They have it at Llandudno. I think they've got a good comedy festival as well. It's a good place. I've heard of it. Don't worry about the pronunciation. The locals just call it Junction. Right. They have it at London.

I think they've got a good comedy festival as well. It's a good place. I've done gigs there before. And for where in the UK it is, looking at the map, if you know where Liverpool is, it's to the west. Left or ring finger side.

Jesus. Get your story. Get your story. No one gives a fuck. It's in Wales, right? Send your coordinates. Latitude. Longitude.

No one cares. Get your story. Fuckitude, longitude, no one cares. Get to your story. Fuck me. When I was in school during year six, the Welsh government announced that they were going to be building a brand new government building not too far from the school.

Okay. So what they did was to involve the local schools. They had two children from each school go to a day visit at the site and bury a time capsule for 50 years this is unlocked a memory that i'll tell you afterwards but go okay right the contents of which were going to be decided by the students okay our teacher at the time decided the only way that's yours our teacher at the time decided the only way to decide who was going to go was to run a competition of the things that we

we would put in the time capsule and why so it's a government building getting built near the school and in the grounds of the government building say i imagine a little garden outside area they're going to bury time capsule for 50 years and the kids are getting to put what's in it right there was a huge when we were younger this happened loads time capsules were massive time capsules were big i don't think they do them as much anymore did one blue peter did one live and kicking did one i'm sure our school's done one. Yeah? In the garden, I think.

Like, literally, I remember. I think it was before the internet, wasn't it? It was before the internet where you're like, oh, we'll forget all this stuff. Now this fucking meme page is dedicated to 80s stuff. Yeah. Like, nostalgia. I'm sure St. Wilfred's made a little garden. And it was, I wonder if that's still there.

And then, I'm sure i were buried at timescapes yeah i remember don't think i was involved russ i'm sitting here for my time i'll tell you right now me and everyone listening you will absolutely have been involved no okay i'll tell you something like who wants to hold the lid and you'll tell you something beam and hold in the lid i'll tell you something right now right um my junior school saint beads infant andede's, infant and juniors, I used to serve on the altar, right, at church. Yeah. Catholic school. I was big deal at St. Bede's, right. I think it's because I was so involved with the

church as well. Right, yeah. Okay, so I just remember being quite, didn't get Mary, didn't get Mary in the school thing, the March Day procession, no, the church thing, which was a bit upsetting. Didn't get Mary really wanted it I think I read a poem

out or something anyway great not much of a big deal then were you St Wilfred's not a bigger deal no

kind of just just was there went downhill I wonder where where did it all go wrong so you peaked you peaked socially

at primary school I think I did served on the outlet there she is oh my god it's her she said I've seen her on the outlet so she is oh my god it's her she said I've seen her on the altar so far

didn't get married or did she no but you know apparently she was busy doing other cool altar stuff there she is no it was more like

by the way I use my walk I'm a fucking big deal I'm an altar and shit yeah yeah yeah I'll be married but it's fucking I was a big deal

I'll take a whole little water please oh my god listen to me but then you were nothing to do with the time capsule I've got a father who wanted heaven

nothing to do with the time capsule and then yeah I think more in comp you get noticed more if you're smart and sadly

I fell by the wayside there it is yeah loved it though loved St. Wilfrid's loved my school yeah good ship

right didn't get head girl neither absolutely not you've got to be really careful for that I know yeah

not God no you've got to represent the school eh you've got to represent the school I know

head girl head boy but can I tell you right now to this day still the only prefect in my whole entire family you were a pre oh yeah we've talked about this yeah nobody else has been a prefect I told you the family you were a prefect oh yeah we've talked about this

yeah nobody else has been a prefect I told you the idea you said none of me cousins nothing just me you said alright

no no honestly I'm the only one in the whole family who's been a prefect and I've got I've got like 17 cousins if one of our kids becomes a prefect

you're gonna tell the truth now or you're gonna be a little bit upset no I'll be proud because I'll be carrying on the family tradition of prefects

the family tradition that you started that I started and still nobody has was Jacob and family tradition of prefects. The family tradition that you started. That I started. And still nobody has. Was Jacob and Millie a prefect? I don't think they were. Nah, I'm the only one. Brilliant. Congratulations. Maybe Kate was.

My Nina's daughter. I'm going to check. Oh my god, no one gives a fuck. I do. That's something really good. I've got so many cousins and we all went to the same school and none of them were prefects. Yeah. Except me.

Because you were prefect once and they probably thought, oh, is that related to them? Right, no more of them not being prefects. She let everyone run through the foyer. Yeah, yeah. She absolutely had no respect for the one-way system.

They used to put me on the foyer. Do you know what's so funny when I think back to it, right? When I was a prefect, people used to just push past us. Of course they did. Like, big, hard dickheads. No one listened to pre to prefects no they didn't give a shit what you can do no prefect is just the prefect is just a badge that says I will tell the teacher yeah

that's all it is yeah hey any prefects listening fuck you me mate Angela she was head girl she was like you know well I told you the idea that I, everyone. My phone's binging because I'm waiting for a delivery. You're waiting for a fucking delivery. So it's all right. I'm so unprofessional. I'm so sorry. I told you the other day when you said something about- I'm going to hear about this time.

In a minute. I told you the other day you said something about orienteering. Yeah. And you said, oh, I don't know what you're talking about, but you said it's like when you go orienteering on a school trip to like- Thurston. Thurston or whatever. And I never got to go.

No, you didn't. I never got to go to any of them big trips. And I remember back, they used to, quote unquote, pull the names out of a hat. Yeah. And every name out of the hat was all of the prefects,

milk monitor, and all of the football team. Yeah, because, this is what I keep saying, right? And I blame your mum and dad a little bit. Yeah. I think you were an arsehole when you were little.

I think. Yeah. I think you were cheeky, like lovable, but you know, you were a lovely person. Not even lovable. Right. I think you were a bit of a dick you know you were a lovely person not even lovable right I think you were

a bit of a dick but your mum and dad paint this picture of you that was I was a gobshite right well that's why you didn't get asked to go

I was moved around the class well there you go like a chess piece as a person who's worked as a teaching assistant in schools we wouldn't have wanted you there yeah

they'd have gone Chris Ramsey oh absolutely not pain in the arse pain in the arse I reckon cheeky doesn't eat. You are a fussy eater.

You couldn't have ate. When we went to Thurston, you know, you got a packed lunch. Yeah. Awful. I remember being, and I love food, but it was like this monkey flapjack, this apple with loads of wax, like a red apple, which was bitter, and a cheese sandwich. And I was like, I'm going to die out here because I don't like any of this.

I'm going to die out here. That'll go into... They'll go, right, who can eat whatever if we're stuck. Okay. And you'd have just been like, I'm not eating this.

And then you'd have made some shit joke. Right, okay, wow. And that's why they wouldn't want you to go. Great, well, good. Well, who's laughing now? But you turn out nice now.

I eat fucking loads. You do. I talk even more shit now than I did then you do so all the teachers hey teachers listening

my old teachers the ones who are dicks and prefects from my school fuck you so prefects is everywhere isn't it it's not just

right can I get back to this yeah this time capsule this time capsule this time capsule is now older than when we started this story. It is.

I wonder if it's still in the ground. And I've still got that memory, which I forgot. Oh. Oh, no, I remember. Of time capsules. Right, okay. So, sorry.

Sorry, everybody. But this is... I'd say this is what you pay for, but this is free. This is a conversation. This is a conversation. This is what you skip the ads for. Yeah.

And we do go off piece sometimes, but that is down to our undiagnosed ADHD. So we've got to apologise about that. Yeah, yeah. Right. Okay, two kids are going. Two kids have been chose. And the teacher is going to pick the kids

by a competition. What do you think I put down as an item to go into the time capsule? And it says in brackets, Chris won't guess it. So, mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. What item did they put down to go into the time capsule? What did he put? That got picked. And it says in brackets, Chris won't get it. So, mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. What item did they put down to go in the time capsule?

What did he put? That got picked. And it got picked? Well, I, because clearly he, oh, sorry,

he got picked. He got picked. Before, so he got picked before they knew what he was going to put in or he got picked to put in and then said, you're picked,

what are you going to put in? he got picked because of his idea. Right. They're not going to just, I was going to say, yeah, that's dangerous. Have you worked in a school before? That's dangerous. You've got to know what you're doing.

Yeah, okay. Why do kids get star of the week? Because they've been a dick the week before and they've actually, you know... Don't get chuffed when your Ben gets star of the week. It's not a good thing. I'm just telling you that right now. Just trying to keep them in line.

Yeah, Robin got star of the week a few months ago and he was like, I've got this. I was like, what did you do? The week before. What had you done? Because you only get Star of the Week if you're on a rotation or you have been an arsehole

and you've been a bit better the week after. So, well done, but at the same time, stop it. Time to change because if Star of the Week was a thing when I was at school,

it would have been the same person every single week. It would have been the same kid You went to some horrible schools. every week. I'm telling you school it would have been the same person every single week it would have been the same kid you went to some horrible schools I'm telling you it would have been the same kid

every week every single because it would have been they didn't do that you've got to take them in turns no it wasn't that thing when we were kids

it wasn't that thing yes it was no it wasn't like sports day you all get to stand on the winner's podium and pretend you've won no they do that now

everyone gets to hold the trophy and stand on the thing no not all schools most of them do not all schools. Most of them do. Not the schools I have kids go to. I deliberately said them the rough ones.

Well, no, because I don't believe in that, I think. Yeah. Anyway, what did this lad put in the time capsule? You've got a guess, come on. So something of the time,

so it's the 90s. Oh, I don't know. The copy of the Beano or something, I don't know. Okay, that is the wrong answer. One more guess. Put a bit of effort in. Something to do with the Royal

Farm. No, it's Wales. Something to do with Wales. I don't know. It's too open-ended. What do you put in? Okay, I'll tell you now. The amazing idea was, and I quote, because the teacher loved it so much, he repeated it to me multiple times over the year it was a can of links so that they can smell what we smelled like in 50 years that's fucking fantastic a can of links Africa. I'm hoping it was Africa.

I hope it was, yeah. Absolutely amazing. Good, isn't it? Oh, and links are still going strong. It is, yeah. I ended up winning and going and probably met some important people, but essentially,

I went to have a look around what was a muddy field where they were tea and lots of biscuits. Considering I was 10, I didn't really care much about the tea. Turns out, this wasn't much of a phase and I still love a good biscuit.

On a side note, if you both like shortbread, M&S do the best shortbread from their bakery. Insane. There you go. Wow. I thought that was quite sweet. Wow. That person wins the award for the most superfluous information ever sent on an email. I know. Question.

What would you put in? In a time capsule? Mm. Can I put one of the kids in no okay just checking what would I put in a time

I mean because time capsules are absolute bollocks not necessarily so they are bollocks I seen something on Instagram the other day and it was a letter

from 1975 and a lady had wrote it when she was 14 and somebody found it behind in between the like drywall in the house

creepy so that no but I thought but it was really cute it was like we are busy doing up our house my mammy

is pregnant with my sister we live in this house and it actually said on the letter it said my mam said all the names and it said she's a all the names and it said

she's a really good mum and it was just really cute but they found the woman who wrote it why stick it in the bin that's nice just bin it it's old

bin it recycling bin did you never write your name on your wall so that people in years to come could see it underneath wallpaper

I don't think so oh I did god you've got there's not an ounce of like just go on try and pick the right word

go on go on, go on, try and pick, go on, try and pick the right word. Go on. Go on. Humility, no, niceness, just like, just like, niceness,

great. Nostalgia. You've got no nostalgia. I have got nostalgia. You haven't? I think you'll find, you haven't, you don't care.

I follow not one, but two, 90s and 80s memes pages on Instagram. Oh, that's not, that's not nostalgia. I'm talking about you. It is nostalgia.

They put the see-through Game Boys and everything they put on. Right? Switch. I put a Nintendo Switch in. There you go. There you go. Right, tell me about your time capsule program.

And Daisy, edit this. Because he's going to waffle on. Go on. Was it a seal? What reminded us there? No. Nothing. The memory I got when you were reading that thing

was it wasn't about a time capsule. It was about the way it was set up. So basically, can you remember when they knocked down West O Pit?

Yes. West O Nettie. No. Oh, that was the toilet. Jesus. Oh, there was like an underground toilet. My dad's got a...

Ah, I would quite like that when my dad dies. Should I text him? Yeah, text him him tell him you want that painting when he dies that would be a nice text no because Kevin's probably bloody

lovely text again no Bob Olly the painter he did the West O' Nettie and it's loads of men weighing yeah it's

it's not stout there's one in Horton Hop House toilet yeah well my dad's got one and it's got Decaf or Sand him and my mum's name

yeah sadly my mum and dad's marriage did not it's got Decafosand, him and my mum's name. Yeah, sadly me mum and dad's marriage did not make it but I would quite like that. Great. Are you? Bagsy. Kate and Kellen,

that's Bagsy mine. The superfluous information is rubbing off on you. And I would also like the table and me dad sitting, listen, we're not going through

stuff that we're going to keep when my parents die because that's really grim. You just have. So, long time. When they knocked down the pit,

because obviously South Shields is a, long time. When they knocked down the pit, because obviously South Shields is a mining village originally. So they knocked down West O Pit and they knocked down the big washer and everything. And they had, for ages, it was wasteland.

And our school ran a competition of what should we build there. Right? And the teacher said, if everyone puts down a thing of what we should build there, draw pictures, diagrams, put a proposal of what you want to build on that, I'll take them all to the town hall. And the teacher said, if everyone puts down a thing of what we should build there, draw pictures, diagrams, put a proposal of what you want to build on that,

I'll take them all to the town hall. And we were like, this is amazing. What? And me and me mate won. Slow date. Right? Gene's boy.

Same lad. We won because his drawing was amazing and we drew a dinosaur themed water park. Oh, nice. And it was loads of dinosaur slides and loads of different stuff. Okay. What did they build?

Houses. Yeah, yeah. No one in our class put houses. So I'm beginning to think either she didn't take them to the town hall or town hall didn't even fucking look at them. I don't think they looked at them. I don't think the town hall honoured

that system that we ran in that school. No. Was it in the national curriculum, though? Hang on. Houses. Oh, West Oak Crown. West Oak Crown Village. There is a Tesco there.

There's no fucking dinosaur slides, is there? There is a school there. No fucking dinosaur slides, is there? No dinosaur slides. Absolute bullshit. No. What happened to the outdoor... Sorry, let's talk about Shields off the mic. Let's talk about local toilets later. No. What happened to the outdoor... Sorry, let's talk about Shields off the mic.

Let's talk about local toilets later. Yeah. Hell of a teaching tool, though. Yeah. Hats off to that teacher. No, it's really good. Oh, there's a bit of wasteland.

Let's get them all to decide what they're going to build there. Yeah. Good bit of teaching, that. I mean... What? Yeah, it is. It's pretty basic,

to be honest with you. Full of lies is what it is. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo! yeah it is it's pretty it's pretty basic to be honest with you full of lies is what it is thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagged Maridonoid which is part of the EKS creator network yes thank you very much

and obviously if you want to get in touch it's always shaggedmaridonoid at gmail.com and if this is Friday when you're listening to it don't forget to tune in

to BBC One tonight and BBC Two to watch the tiny, tiny little presenter, Rosie Ramsey. Zoom in. Stand right next to Telly. She'll be dying,

she'll be in Paddy McGuinness's shadow doing tiny little things. The numbers will come up and they'll be bigger than her. But she'll do great. Oh, I've got to read the number out. You've got to read the number. Shit me pants.

Anyway, that's another thing. It's O, not zero. They don't like zero. You've got to say O. I know. Don't know why, but you have to. So there we go. Thanks, everyone. Practice it now to read the number. It's O not zero. They don't like zero. You've got to say O. Don't know why, but you have to. So there we go. Practice it now. Say the number now.

No another full thing. What could it be? 29,434,000. Do the phone number. I don't know what it is. Unprofessional. Shocker-ness. Don't make us nervous. I know the children need phone number.

By the way, it's two different charities. Everyone keeps saying to Chris, are you good or that just stole your job? It's two completely different programs. Our children need Just Come Back Leap, yeah. If they ask me to do it again this year, which I would, so there we go. Well, we might both get sacked.

Yeah, never know. Good. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan

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