Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 261. Protein Chowder

Episode Date: March 22, 2024

On this week's podcast Rosie gives a Comic Relief de-brief and has a list of things to remember for the next time she does live TV. Chris has been busy with self care but manages to present some facts about the difference between and orangery and a conservatory, plus we hear how Chris would sound if he had a house account on Social Media. There's a protein shake story, a shower ick and some gateaux based revenge! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon pull apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever?

Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMAGE, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca for. Register today at SunriseChallenge.ca. That's SunriseChallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Mardinoid with me Rosie Ramsey and my husband Christopher Ramsey. Hello. Hiya guys. Are you? Are you? Are you that one? Did you? Were you hosting

Comic Relief? Did I see you on Comic Relief the other night? Yeah. Aww, well done. It happened. It did happen. Yeah. Yeah, listen, loved it. Glad it's done. Hey, you just raised loads though. Fair play. Oh my gosh, over 40 million and it's still coming in apparently.

Wow. That's insane, isn't it? They were buzzing. They were absolutely buzzing. Fantastic. Well done. They'll tell you what I kept saying. It was great showing you the way up, what did you keep saying?

So they kept coming backstage and they were like, we're up on last year, we're up on last year. Meaning they've raised more money than last year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So throughout the show they were kind of like, oh my, we're up on last year, up on the projector. And I did definitely say a few times, like I can just only think of one thing that's different from last year.

They were like, what? Let's get, me? Oh God, there it is. Cheers to Ramsey everyone. Well done. Hey, high five. High five. That classic Ramsey bullshitery. I think they hated it at the same time. Yeah. And I hated myself for saying it, but I just couldn't help myself. You'd be married to me for too long. You wouldn't have, Rosie Wynne would never have said that. No, she wouldn't have. Never in a million years. She wouldn't have said it. Anyway, I had a great time. I had a great

time. I've got, I've got, I've wrote a little list of things that I've learned. Oh, okay. That's good. From the experience. A little debrief. Okay, we'll have a little debrief from your first live TV. We'll do it in the main bit if you want. Just stuff that I'm not going to do if I do it again. You're coming up with a show today, we're gonna do Rosie's debrief from Cromwell and Lee. Look forward to that. First, here's a song? No? A song by someone? What are you saying? Oh, are you pretending as if you're doing it at Link? Yeah, yeah, but then I'll fuck it up. So listen, it is episode 200 and what? Are you taking the mic?

Just before we carry on, to anybody out there, I haven't stole Chris's job, they're two different charities. Oh, stop saying it. Did we mention this last week or not? Oh, I don't know, but I'm happy to mention it again. Yeah. Like people I know, I was getting messages while you were on Comic Relief going, why aren't you on doing this?

How come your wife's on and you're not on? Yeah. Different show! Hers is the red nose, mine's the teddy ears with the eye patch. I got a lot of- God alive. I got a lot of, you know, when it's like backhanded,

love you, think you're great, but I don't think it's nice that you stole your husband's job I'm not like okay that might be right maybe we might have to cross that Now I'm average and not here the work where the work comes yeah But I wouldn't do that to you if somebody was like we're getting really Chris We want you to do it, I'd probably say, maybe I don't think that's a good idea. Would you do the same for me? I would not take on any extra work, whether it was you that had been booted on or not.

But if you want to take on some of the stuff that I'm... I mean the money still comes to our house. This is the thing, isn't it? Yeah, it still goes the same way. Hey look, if you want to... Rosie, I'll knock everything on the head if you just want to do it. No. No, no, no, you've said it now. Absolutely not. Hey look, if you want to, I'll knock everything on the head if you just want to do it and I'll just pay for it. No, no, no, you've said it now. No, absolutely not. Absolutely not. I'll phone the gym, tell them I'll put this down for another couple hours a week, lads.

He's living the best life of his life. I am honestly, I'm doing more self-care than I've ever done in my entire life. I think it's because I'm rolling on towards 40. But honestly, me little ice baths, me little saunas, I put more cream on my face on a night than I've ever put cream on my face in an entire world. We'll get to that later on. Yeah, you've mentioned it, you already kicked off about it last week.

Stop peeing your shit. Oh well, well, hey. Stop peeing your shit. Anyway, listen, can I just do my bit now or are you gonna trample all over us because you think you're hot shit because you've been on Comic Relief? Oh.

Eh? Which one are you gonna do? Carry on. I'll come back to my stuff later on. Oh, there you go. It is episode 261 thank you for being here. Obviously I mentioned it the other week but please subscribe or follow or whatever the fuck it is that you do like in your podcast app because it makes something to do with something that we do. Rosie's got a belly out which is making a belly button talk at us. Stop telling them what I do in private.

This kind of shit might happen off stage, off camera, on Comic Relief but right here we run a god damn professional set up, right? Put your kite away, right? And let's chat. Wow, kite. Let's chat sponsors, it's episode 261, it's time for this week's lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is, and I'm fucking sick of seeing it, and I'd like you to all stop, it's sponsor is Van Drivers,

who put Halloween masks on the headrests of their passenger seat, so you think they've got a skeleton in the van with them. Stop it. Okay, so I think it's quite quirky. I'm sick of it. I go, oh, there's a van driver, and I'm like, oh my God, Frankenstein's next to him!

Oh, it's a very fucking clever dickhead. Very clever. Oh, they put a T-shirt over their chair. It's a suit or something. A Sullen t-shirt or a Newcastle t-shirt. I get that, because I'm not going, oh, look, they've got a football fan with no head. But they keep, honestly, they keep doing it.

There's like, recently I've seen Werewolf, I've seen Skeleton. So it's two blokes in a van, and the middle seat will just be a mask. Is it really upsetting you? I'm just, honestly, I'm just like, oh God, there's a bloke in that van wearing a mask. Oh He's put it on the headrest because he's a fucking comedy genius

Christopher Christopher Chris think of it. It's genuinely unsettling stop doing it. Do you know what's unsettling could cause a crash? What's unsettling which I had to do the other day which I just don't do very often. I really don't like it poo indoors What pooing indoors poo What? Pooing indoors? Poo indoors? Who's pooing indoors? No you don't, you poo outside on the grass. Shut your face. Our kids keep pissing outside, which is really disgusting by the way. Just literally we'll get up from watching the telly, go out the back door and piss on

the lawn and I'm like, what are you doing? I might have pissed in the garden last night. So that's where they're doing it? Well yeah, but mine's for a very good reason because we've got a three year old and we've got an eight year old and sometimes they do fight or throw things at each other and if they're both outside, I can't, in their playing, I can't be like, right, you two just, you know, look after yourselves while I go and have a swap piss outside so I can keep an eye on them. Robbins started sitting on his skateboard and going down the slide, kneeling on his

skateboard going down the slide. I had to physically take it off him yesterday because he stood on the skateboard and got ready to go down the slide standing on the skateboard. But you know what it is Chris, when we were younger, nobody would have stopped us. Let him sit and crack that. Rosie, he lost his teeth when he was two. It's not happening again.

It's not happening again. He actually did it the other day. Filming himself with his iPad going down the slide. He sent me it, yeah, it was really, really good. But, but, but. What? I've seen too many YouTube videos of people falling over on skateboards, right? He's good, he's quite good.

Yeah, he's just no one is going down a fucking slide standing up on a skateboard good. Especially, we've got a bumpy slide. I know, I know. Listen, what I was saying. Yeah, what's unsettling, sorry. Walking over the metro lines. The train line. Yeah, what's it called? Low level crossing? Yeah.

Yeah. God! Had to walk over some the other day. I don't like driving over them. No, walking over them is worse. There's an underpass, you know, on that one. Is there? You loser. Yeah. Oh, right. Oh, no, I know, but why would you do that? Because you're unsettled by walking over the track. I know, but if you look both ways and there's no train coming, you can go... Not that unsettling then, is is it? Alright maybe some bullshitting. Just round it weird it was just weird I didn't really like it but will I take an extra three minutes to walk under the underpass? Definitely not three minutes. Absolutely three minutes it's quite far. I'm scary. I don't like walking under underpasses. I suppose underpasses are quite scary as well. So pick your poison, pick your poison.

Get hit by a train or get mugged. Do you know what I haven't done for a long long time? Or maybe I don't know if I've ever done it. So if you're too tired to write that down. Idea for a Saturday night TV show. Hit by a train or get mugged. Great! Get that out of the broadcaster, see who fancies that.

Bidding war! Carry on. Where's horrendous. Erm, where we live, there's a Tyne tunnel. You never heard the Tyne tunnel. Yeah. It's a tunnel that goes under the water. What, under where? Is it the river?

River Tyne. It's River Tyne. Stop it. How did that? Oh, I was just being a dick, but I got you there, yeah. Doesn't go through the water, it goes under the ground. A lot of people think it goes through the water like some kind of aquarium. It doesn't. Are you off your face? I think we've talked about this before.

Yeah it goes under the ground. You really go quite deep then. Yes. Okay. That's what she said. Not at me, probably for someone else. Long time ago. Yeah and there's a pedestrian. There's a pedestrian tunnel which still is a bit terrifying. I've been through it on my bike, it's great. We're talking bullshit, let's carry on. That's what this whole thing is. Can we just tell you right now, we are both knackered, by the way. Oh, Rafe had me up at 5.25 this morning.

5.25, I was downstairs watching Bluey like a fucking winner! When is it gonna end though? When is this gonna end? Because Robin's eight and Rafe's three and they're just shit at sleeping Just fuck just fucking sleep Yeah, no they can't sleep The pair of them and now we're trying to get them in their own beds and they're just I'm like I feel like I've got a baby again Yeah, it's just oh my god again our kids are the only kids out when when you were on comic relief the other night I had I let Robyn stay up up until your bit and it got to ten o'clock and he was so tired He said his legs were aching remember when you're little and your legs would, when you were on comic relief, the other night, I let Robin stay up until your bit,

and it got to 10 o'clock and he was so tired, he said his legs were aching. Remember when you were little and your legs were ache when you were tired? Did he hear it when I said I would shag all of them? No, he did not. That's horrendous. Thankfully he was already asleep,

and I had my headphones in. So, I let him stay up till 10, and then I was like, I'm not having this, I was like, oh, her bit's finished, and I was putting him to sleep. So I let him stay up two hours later, plus than what he normally, he woke up half an hour earlier than he normally does.

Yeah, bastard. Unbelievable. I don't know any other kid who, everyone else's kid, it seems to be, oh yeah, Warren Holder, which kept him up there, he slept until 10, it was great, we would miss breakfast, well fuck you, I hope you starve. What's wrong, why?

Why have we just got the most alert kids in the world? I'm so tired today. I'm really tired. I'm so tired. I'm really tired. Hey, this is good. Half seven bed, half seven bed time for us. Honestly, as soon as this finishes this podcast,

I'm going straight to Kip. Straight to Kip. Oh, straight away. Oh, am I? No, no, cause then I won't sleep. I know. Oh God. Yeah, man.

What's the answer? I might need to meet a sleep expert and get them to tell us what the crack is. Yeah. Because honestly, if I go to sleep too early, two o'clock in the morning, I'm up, bang, ready to fight. Mm-hmm. Oh, heavens above. Mm. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle.

So this is the jingle, jingle We hope you like the jingle, jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba Jingle Hello and welcome back to my debrief, I'm sorry, welcome to Shagged Married Annoyed Shagged, tired, married, annoyed With my debrief of Comic Relief, my first ever live television experience, which a lot of the other presenters did not know that.

They didn't know it was their first ever live television experience. When I said it, I think a lot of them thought, oh shit. Don't stand next to her. Don't. Don't stand next to her, she's gonna say cunt. Yeah, or just be crap.

No, can I just genuinely say it right? Yeah. We meet people in this industry, we've met a lot of lovely people, we've met some absolute dog faces. Dog faces. I was going to say the C word but I thought don't. In every job you meet dickheads. Yeah, of course you do. Everybody was so lovely. I was so happy because, you know, a lot of

the other presenters I've watched a lot of my life. And I just thought, please, please, please be nice. And they all exceeded my expectations. Everybody was. I've never met Lenny Henry, but great bunch of- Lovely man. Knew all the rest of them. Lush, so lovely.

All just lush, just really nice people. Anyway. So the things I learned, right. Okay, we've got a list. I've got a little list. Oh, wow. Okay, don't dance so much. I danced a lot. I got really, just when the music I learnt, right? Okay, we've got a list. I've got a little list, okay? Don't dance so much, I danced a lot. I got really, just when the music came on, I was like.

You put Paddy McGuinness off a couple of times. He was like, you all right? Yeah, he was like, you all right? He was like trying to do his line, and you're just like absolutely throwing shapes behind him. Because you know me, you know what I'm like. Oh, I just blanked out, I blanked out. I don't even know what's happening now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so I danced too much. I've got to remember to smile when I'm reading the auto-queue. Smile when you're reading the auto-queue. Because you can just get carried away with just reading, can't you? That's because you find it so difficult to read, isn't it? That is true. It is really hard to read and speak at the same time. Oh my gosh! Don't wear more than one necklace. I wore two necklaces.

Sound guy had to keep... No, Chris, man. It wasn't the sound because that was on my lapel of my jacket. Normally it rattles, just to let you know people, normally it rattles on a microphone and someone comes in and the amount of times we did when we were doing the chat show on the BBC. Oh yeah with earrings and that. Oh take your earrings off.

No it was just a nightmare because I kept having to sort them out. Right okay. So never doing that again. Great. These are just things I'm learning Chris, learning on the job. Okay so don't dance around like some kind of prostitute or stripper. Never said anything about sex work. Don't wear all your prostitute necklaces. All right, okay.

We're getting the theme here. See, this one goes into your new thing. If I do it next year, I'm going to bring mints for backstage. Oh, cock breath. Don't have prostitute cock breath. No, my mouth is dry as sticks. That air of all the prostit. Of all the stock sucking. Why? What are you doing? This is for charity.

This is not for charity, don't you dare. Next year I'm going to take a straw because I drank from a can of water and spilled water on my jacket. Which people got very upset about. I wasn't really that arsed. But everyone was like... There's prostitute stains on your jacket. Get a black upset about it. I didn't, I wasn't really that arsed, but everyone was like, what? That's prostitute stains on your jackets. Black light. Eh, our last one. Yeah.

Decide on me hairstyle a long time before doing it. And you, oh, and we've come full circle here. You went with ponytail up, which is the dick sucking one. No, it's not. Hey. No, it's not. Dance, have a dancer. I was... I was going to wait so my makeup artist was going to do my hair down but I was like I play with my hair too much, I touch my hair too much so then I put it back but I've had

my hair put darker and my hair just looked too dark so then we had to put it fully back and but it was fine on the night. It's going to be a pain to do this, you know I don't like doing this. You look absolutely fantastic. I this. You know I don't like doing this. You look absolutely fantastic. You look beautiful. I thought you looked absolutely stunning. Probably the best you've ever looked on telly. You look amazing. Okay right. I'm telling you. Oh well done. I'm gonna tell you right now. I watched it back just for like purposes of you know I try to make myself better and that and good at my job. I look great but Maya Jamma definitely put a picture on me where I looked like a toad.

But Maya Jamma definitely put a picture on me where I looked like a toad. And I know I know she'll have not meant to be. You only look at yourself when you put a picture on. But if you want to have a look, look at Maya Jamma's post about comic reliefs. Put about 10 pictures on. She put one of me on in a conga and I look fucking disgusting. Disgusting. The comic timing on when this happened in our house was just so beautiful. So I was standing at the stove, slaving away,

and we just, I'd literally just said the same thing. I was like, honestly, you look fantastic. I felt good. I felt for the first time since I've had Reef. I felt, yeah. And we had a lovely little chat about it, and you were like, I felt really good in myself. And I was like, well, that's really, I'm really glad.

And you know, more importantly, you did a great job and you were funny and all that. And like seconds later, seconds later, you went on Instagram and you just walked up and you just showed us the side profile. You've got your chins out. So bad. Oh, so bad. Oh yeah. So there you go.

But personally from me, thank you, Maya Jammer. Cause that was just a really, really funny moment. And by the way, I love Mayarojammer. Which is cool. I've told you, man, she was in rehearsals. She literally rocked up in a pair of hotel slippers. And I was like, I don't understand. I was like, what's happening? And she didn't have any flat shoes because she only had heels with her.

And I was like, you already are just my kind of girl. So she'd forgot. She'd just forgot any trainer. She'd got any shoes. So she just had her hotel slippers on. But it wasn't just, she had them on for both days, and I was like, why can't I get these girls some shoes? Like, I like that, you do that, I like it when people don't take themselves too seriously.

Oh, she was really, like, proper, proper, and be, oh God, God, she is attractive! My God! Just fucking, just radiant, just beautiful. Her and Joel Domit, her and Joel Domit on the telly at the same time, I honestly, I Oh my god! Just fucking just radiant. Just beautiful. Her and Joel Dommet on the telly at the same time, I honestly Oh, just stunning. I didn't know who to look at. Yeah, yeah, lush. Absolutely lush. Everyone was lush. Great. Very good.

Good times. Good. So, well done. Thanks. Thank you. Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, shut the fuck up. Okay, I'm done now and I'll never talk about it again. Done. Okay, I'm done now and I'll never talk about it again. Done. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Okay, so enough of you sucking yourself off about how much of a good job you did on the telly

with all your new mates, pathetic. Did you feel jealous at all? No, not the slightest. What, when you were working and I was in bed. I know, but did you think, oh, there's me double act, because we're like a double act. Yeah, no, but you know, you can do stuff on your own. I do stuff on my own.

No, like not at all. Would have rather it wasn't a weekend. So I didn't have to have both kids the next day. That was a bit upsetting. But other than that, fine. But honestly, if you could just keep them during the week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe get your mom to have them when you're away.

Uh huh. Great. And do you want to tell everyone the fact that you only had one child to look after, though? You definitely pumped off a three year old. Yeah, he wasn't very well. All of the fact that you only had one child to look after though? You definitely palmed off the three year old. Two of the nights! All of the nights that I was away. You were away three nights. He wasn't very well. Wasn't away three nights? Yes he was. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.

He wasn't very well. I had him on the Wednesday. He wasn't very well and he was snotting and coughing all over us on the Wednesday night. And I had to record my stand-up special. My job that you seem to have forgot about on Sunday, which I recorded. Thank you very much to everyone who came by the way, to the warmups and to that, you are phenomenal crowd. I'll announce when it's coming out and when.

Oh, nobody cares. Well, Carl Hutchinson phoned us yesterday because he already accidentally announced it on his podcast and had to edit it, but about 600 people heard. So well done if you're in that gang of people who already know who I filmed it for. Yeah, bless him, he phoned us. He phoned us like, I'm so sorry.

I was like, meh, it's fine. So that was great, but yeah, so I didn't wanna be ill for it. And I was like, this three-year-old is breathing all over me all night and he's snotty as hell. I'm a little bit snotty now, I finally caught it. There it is, finally caught it. But listen, enough of you sucking yourself off, time for some education.

You ready for some education? Always. Okay, they've been banging at the door, they've been emailing off, time for some education. You ready for some education? Always. Okay, they're being banging at the door, they're being emailing us, they're being phoning us. I've finally found two other things that are similar that people don't know what the difference is between. Oh god. You ready? Oh yes. Orangeries usually resemble a more traditional single story extension, but of what's called a lantern roof. Now a conservatory, on the other hand,

has a fully glazed roof and tends to visually resemble an airy greenhouse. Oh, you've said that in a horrible voice. That's my voice. No, no, but a lot of like, do it like, well I'm airy. I was trying to sound a bit professional. It sounded awful.

Do it again. Like, resemble. You didn't say your words properly. All right, well I might not look at it properly. What am I supposed to do? Resemble. Visually resemble an airy greenhouse. Yeah, that's nice. You didn't say your words properly. Alright, well I might not have looked at it properly. What am I supposed to do? Resemble. Visually resemble an airy greenhouse.

Yeah, that sounds better. You went, V-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n- 40 grand. 40,000 pounds between an orangerie and an extension and a conservatory. An orangerie is a lot more expensive than a conservatory. Made of wood, conservatory is placka. UPVC. Tell you what, hey, I tell you what, seeing that you know how I'm doing my mom's house out,

which is, oh, just fucking, just really stressful. I'm not even doing it now, I'm sitting here and about it. You're doing nothing towards it. So you will absolutely never benefit from any of the funds that we make from this house. Good. Don't want to. Just to let you know. Don't want to. So, UPVC windows nowadays, unreal.

Yeah. Really good. Yeah. They've really come on. Yeah. It's been a long time since I bought windows and they've just, you know, they're just really good now. I buy a couple of week.

Do you? Get the windows in. You're not seeing all the windows I've got in the back of the garage. Oh, really good now. I'll buy a couple of weeks. Do you? Get the windows in. You're saying all the windows I've got at the back of the garage. I'll just keep them back. Just really good. They're just really good nowadays. Like we've got them in a colour, which took a lot longer.

So not just white now, you can get all colours. All the colours. Oh well. Builder, you know, was a bit like, the windows will be here, I was like, we haven't got them in white. We've got them in a good grey gray so they're gonna take eight extra weeks wasn't very happy about that but look it's gonna look superb I'm gonna take

some pictures soon because it's just been a shithole but now it's actually coming along a bit nicer oh my god are you gonna start a house account on Instagram oh my god oh my god well no but that's a nice accent. Is this better? Do you like this one? This is my house account. Oh my god are you gonna start a house account? Oh my god! Are you podcast? You're podcast?

Do you like this one? No I don't say podcast. Oh no I do say podcast. This is the manual one. This is my favourite accent of all time. Oh don't because I'll forget how to do it. Hey so have they ran out of me? Oh no please keep doing the voice.

Hey how are you doing? I'm doing fine. I'm doing fine. I'm doing fine. I'm doing fine. I'm doing fine. I'm doing fine. I'm doing fine. I'm doing fine. I'm doing fine. I'm doing fine. because I'll forget how to do it. Hey, so have they ran out of me? Oh no, please keep doing the voice.

Hey, how long have you been doing 261 episodes of the Ran Out of Material yet? Yeah, he just does funny voices and she pisses herself now. It's fucking tragic to listen to. I love that voice. Did you like it? That's your house count voice. It's like my posh sort of Geordie posh house account voice. You're doing a house account?

Yeah, I love it. I love it. I love it. Fantastic. Yeah, but paint's going on the walls in that soon, so I'll take some video. Maybe, do you know what it is though, right? This is me, right? I'm like, I'll start a house account. I'll do it for two weeks and then I'll never do it again. Did you just say paint's going on the walls? Yeah.

What a strange way to say, we'll paint it. What do you mean? Paint's going on the walls. Well, it's just gonna be more... at the minute it's just... Yes but what a weird way to phrase that. Paint's going on the walls. We'll be painting it. We'll be painting the walls. We'll be getting it so...

Paint's going on the walls. You got a podcast? I just noticed there's a really weird thing to say. Hey after this I'm a bit hungry. I think food's gonna go on the tum tum. I'm starving actually. Oh yes you are. Paint ball brain.

Oh my gosh. Pinball brain. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bang. It's time for what's your beef. What's your beef what's your beef beef beef slag the kids off, which isn't actually that often. Joke, right? Whenever I slag them off, you always just join in. You never, ever, ever stick up for the kids. Wow. You always just go, yeah, I agree. Where sometimes I need you to kind of go, oh, but no, but this and that.

No, no, they have got. No, because when you, so when you slag the kids off, which you do a lot, I'll always say, oh don't, and look, so just before actually, you came in here full of hell, and I made you feel better, and you went, never lose that positivity. But you know what? You are whittling me down to lose my positivity.

Sorry, sorry. Sometimes I need you to not slag the kids off, or not slag a situation off. Right, this is mad. So what you're saying is you need me to be a fucking mind reader because sometimes if I go against what you're saying your exact words are just with the kids. Why can't you just agree with this? Why can't you just listen and agree with this? Not with the kids I just need you to have their back.

Okay so you really slag them off? Well, I don't all the time. So I've got a- Oh, you're gonna say what I said this morning? No, I've got a Mac. I've got a Mac. So on my Mac, I can open up the text app and I can read a text that I got from you. As I got off stage when I was filming me special

on Sunday, might not stay in, but I read it to Carl Hutchinson while we were in a taxi on the way to a curry place. And we both had quite a laugh. So I text you after my first record of- Bear in mind, this was Sunday. So this was the- You'd done-

I'd done Comic Relief. And you'd come back and had them for a day and a half. Yeah, yeah, absolutely shattered. So- And the emotional roller coaster of live TV. And I was very nervous. OK, so I get off stage. I've done what I've done one record of me special.

Yeah, I text you saying it was great. You said, OK, yeah, you know, hope the next ones is good. I got off stage and I had to text off you saying off to bed, honey. Hope the second record went just as well as the first. Hope you took it all in, because if you think you're going on tour and leaving me here with these wankers, capital, anytime soon, you've got another thing coming. Night, night, love you, kiss, kiss, kiss. *** ***

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*** *** Oh, there's such hard work sometimes. Oh, when they're both, when they, yeah, when they synchronise their dickhead, there's hell of a lot. They've had just, yeah, yeah, yeah, hard work. And yeah, when they've been with grandparents as well, as much as we're so lucky to have grandparents and their grandparents in their life and they love them and adore them, Jesus, let them get away with murder. Because grandparents don't have to deal with the fallout.

Yes, it can have a bag of Harry Potter, because when that sugar hits you in 20 minutes, you'll not be my problem anymore. Yes, it can have a nap in the afternoon, because you not going to sleep tonight isn't my issue. It's just, no, but it's little things like, so I realize when we've got them, the manners are lovely and whatever,

but when they've been with their grandparents, you hand them something and they're like, Rafe like snatched an orange off us the the other day and I was like, excuse me. And you just look at this and I was like, what do you say? And he went, thank you. I was like, you little prick. What happens though? Everything goes out the window.

Everything goes out the window. They don't push on man as they don't do anything. It's like little fucking pharaohs for two days when they're with their grandparents. It's mad. It's mad. Honest to God. Anyway, speaking of hard work, speaking of the kids, my beef with you, this been going on for some time now. No, no, no, no, no.

This been going on for some time now. So you like to sort of play the part of cool mom, anything goes, do you know what I mean? Yay, stay up late, yay. You know, and I end up having to deal with it. Just wait. No, I don't. No, because you just, you put barriers in front of stuff that doesn't need to be there.

I put barriers in front of stuff because I know something's gonna turn into a pain in the arse. No, no I disagree. Robin loves checking the post, is this about the post box? Nope. Robin really enjoys just checking the post box. No. You've got something against him being unable to go outside and check the post box.

I'm telling you right now, I'm gonna say it now on this podcast, he is gonna snap that key off in that post box and we're gonna need to get a new post box. I'm telling you he's gonna snap that key off in that post box and we're gonna need to get a new post box I'm telling you he's gonna snap that key off. It's he rags it and I'm telling you it's gonna snap off Go with him then? No, because then I've got to go out the piss and down rain Anyway, listen you What you did you did it Saturday night, right? What you like to do is again. Oh, yeah, great. Yeah peace and love Yeah, do whatever I'm cool, ma'am. Yeah, and then I deal with the fallout of it, right?

So Saturday night Saturday night both kids right come fall asleep downstairs I'm like can you's not so it's a bit easier. Can I'll take yous up now? No, no, you let them fall asleep downstairs. Come on our kids dad's not cool. Let come on, right? They both fall asleep downstairs, right? I think I went to the gym or I did something and I came down and saw you. And then you went upstairs, disappeared upstairs to bed to put all your ointments and potions on your face. I had to carry both of them up one by one,

all the bedding across a floor of Lego while you're upstairs self care in your other room. You set up the, yeah, you can have dinner on the roof, but who's got to get the ladders out? Dickhead here. Mm-hmm. Thank you. Yeah? Alright. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. Let me just have a little look at your penis now. Can I have a look at your penis?

Is it intact? Is everything working? Do you piss yourself on the trampoline? I carry them to, fuckers, inside my body and I wrecked myself. So, don't fucking give me this bullshit if I had to take some bedding upstairs because nobody feels sorry for you Chris nobody feels sorry for you shut your stupid face wow I'm not in the fucking mood the only reason they fell asleep downstairs as well everyone getting across the only reason they fell asleep downstairs is because they won't go to sleep unless I take them up to bed, right?

And I wanted a Chinese and I had to wait for the Chinese to come because it was late. So that's the only reason they fell asleep. So God forbid that I wanted to enjoy my tea and not have to lie in bed with two ungrateful little twats and another third ungrateful little twat. Third ungrateful twat. Fucking hate living here. So the main problem being there that you're being there that you wrecked yourself having them, carrying them. Well, you know what you should have done.

You should have checked yourself before you wrecked yourself. Is this a real one? The privilege that comes from you. Is my male privilege below? God forbid you had to carry your two children up the stairs asleep. I stood on a bit of Lego. Stood on a bit of Lego. Good.

I want to split up. Not until we've done 500 episodes. Hey, we're over halfway there! That's tragic. That's tragic. This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon pull apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey and just five bucks for the small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind.

So who will you rise for? Register today at SunriseChallenge.ca. That's SunriseChallenge.ca. Four questions from the public! Questions from the public, public time of writing, it is St. Patrick's Day. We are currently sat in a pub beer garden in Devon, surrounded by people dressed in the appropriate green with Irish pints. Got you. She-

Irish pints. Guinness. Irish pints. Yeah. Pints of Guinness. That was just last week, wasn't it? Paddy's Day. Sunday.

Totally passed me by. Paddy's Day. Sunday. Totally passed me by. Paddy's Day. Going, after filming my special, going through London in a taxi, going to a place for a curry, there was a lot of absolutely hammered people who definitely weren't Irish, walking around in the big Guinness hats.

Right. With extremely red, bean drinking all day faces. Right. Just love a celebration, man celebration man. People just love a celebration. Oh you know if there's a reason to have an all day drinking session I don't begrudge anyone. I kind of miss it, do you not remember? I was thinking about this yesterday. I just miss like not having the responsibility before kids when you could just get pissed whenever you wanted. Whenever I'm, I was telling this beforehand,

so whenever I'm like out and about during the week and I see someone, I say, I don't know, I see you pop somewhere for some lunch or whatever, and there's people there getting on it and having a few wines and that on a Tuesday, and you think, oh my God, look, I go, oh my God, look at them, I'm so jealous, I wish that was me on a Tuesday

getting pissed during the day, that would be amazing. Then on the very rare occasion that that is something I do. I'm ashamed of myself. Yeah, I know. And I'm looking around at people who are. And I'm like, I'm so sorry. I've got a life. I just I'm so sorry. Oh, yeah. It's a funny one. OK, so they're out in the beer garden.

I got the sun start shining, which is amazing. One day, which is great. Yeah, depression was lifted. And his girlfriend, okay, she just pointed out a guy sat alone, in brackets, no judgment yet. Right. With a pint of milk, in brackets, judgment starting to build. Yeah, he's got that wrong, hasn't he? We then watched in horror as he got a protein shaker out of his bag with some powder already at the bottom and simultaneously poured the milk into the protein shaker while stirring with a fork which he has to borrow from the table next to him.

Brackets all head to toe in the aforementioned green. So he's out for Paddy's Day. But he's having a protein shake. With milk as well. Kind of fucking casual has it with milk. Do you not have it with milk? Water. Is it water?

Well if you want the gains, if you're serious, mate, I'm sure you'll want the Jim Bros out there. He must be serious, he's having a protein shake. I feel like he wants to look serious, but I feel like if it's not got milk in, he doesn't like the taste. Well back Donalds, he's got a fucking milkshake. All right, okay.

Jim Bros, serious Jim Bros. Unsweetened, unflavoured protein with water. Fucking disgusting. I have a vanilla ice cream one, but I do put water in it. Do you have protein chowder? Do you have protein? Protein chowder. I can't speak. I have protein chowder. Really, dad? Do you have protein shake?

Oh, God, do you? I haven't had protein shakes for a while. You know I haven't done it for a while, but I do have a protein shake now and then, yeah. I find them really icky. I've done a bit I've done a bit of the old pump and iron. I find them, like, I just, you know, do people do like protein pancakes and that? I'm like, how much of your life is this? Do you know what I mean?

I get eating healthy, I do, I understand eating healthy. I think we should, I think we really should look after ourselves, the older we're getting. You know, we try to eat well, I'm always like, I'm big on vegetables. What the fuck? It's about getting more protein to build your muscles. So it's if you want to put a load of muscle on,

you're gonna up your protein because that's what builds the muscle. I get it, but. Yeah, in layman's terms, I'm not a scientist here. You're gonna have a pancake. Just have a fucking pancake. What you gonna have a protein pancake for? You want more protein to gain muscle.

Do you listen to anything I say? But my point is, my point is, having it with milk in public is extremely weird. Okay yeah no it is. It's awful I would hate to over watch that. Like a muscly cat. It says here as well. Oh yeah. The man in question is in a knit jumper and cargo pants although the bag does look like a gym bag. We know Chris likes details. So he's probably just. Thank you. Would you have protein after the gym after a workout? Now I do know scientifically that just before, just after doesn't really matter but normally after people have it after. Good bit of protein after. Yeah but again though a big fucking pint of milk, loads of fat in that so I don't know what he's trying to do.

Yeah there is actually a lot of calories in milk, do you know how I know? How? I ordered the kids a delivery of McDonald's the other day and Steph's... Wild West isn't it when I'm not here? I ordered the kids to deliver a McDonald's the other day. Oh just wild west innit when I'm not here. Oh mate, there was no cooking being had. McDonald's, Chinese, the lot. Yeah the dishwasher was still full when I got back. We're not fucking animals, we ate it off a plate. But the girls, Steph and me best mates, her little girls, Nancy and Maggie, they got milk with a happy meal, which I didn't want to judge but I was like that's they got milk with a happy meal, which didn't want to judge, but I was like, that's gross. Milk with a happy meal?

Aye, they both. I was like, what drinks you want, girls? And they were like, milk? I was like, oh, I need to speak to Steph about that, actually. Really put a sour taste in my mouth. I was like, milk? Anyway, it has the calories next to everything, which I find very upsetting. But at the same time, you know. It's got to be done, innit? The little milk was like 156 calories and I was like, wow. Yeah.

So yeah. Mad, innit? Bizarre. But I don't know what he's doing. Milk with a happy meal. Well, you get a milkshake with a main, people get a milkshake with a main meal, so I don't see a problem.

They've both got very good teeth. Yeah, I feel like you've been unnecessarily harsh on those kids. No, I love, don't even, I love them to death. I love them the same as my kids. Don't even. Oh, there's a question here. We have a question for each of you. Chris, would you do this? Oh, you're about three years away from this.

Ah, less than three years. Oh my God, three months. Less than three years. Rosie, we're getting the solar panels, man. We're getting solar panels put in the house. And we had the guys putting scaffolding around the back and now I went out and did my cold tub while they were putting scaffolding out.

I thought I was like I'm not bothered that they see me but they will be like yeah he's a knob he came out and did a cold tub while we were fucking doing it. Especially bearing in mind that those blokes were like out in the rain putting scaffolding up. I'm like what's cold in here? They're like yeah we'd be cold all day you know. I didn't I'm growing I'm learning I'm growing I'm? I'm like, what's cool in here? They're like, yeah, we'd be cold all day. You know? Every day. So yeah, yeah, yeah.

I didn't. I didn't. I'm growing. I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm changing. I'm trying. There's another question here.

I'm listening. Yeah? You're not listening. If you found out Chris had done this, would you still fancy him? No. She hasn't fancied me for years. If I'd seen this guy. I do fancy you.

I'm joking. If I'd seen this guy, I'd have probably went up and felt his muscles while he was having his drink. I think that would have been... I just like... If I'd had a couple of Guinnesses, I'd walk past him as he was drinking it, I'd seen this guy, I'd probably went up and felt his muscles while he was having his drink. I think that would have been... I just felt like... If I'd had a couple of Guinnesses, I'd walk past and as he was drinking it, I'd think and I would, whoa, and grab his bite and say, there's a big lad. I just... We've said this before. Was it you or me who knew the guy who got the tinfoil out with the chicken breast?

It was you, wasn't it? Yeah, we've said it before, yeah. A guy, he went into... Yeah, he went... He was on a... Someone I know told us a story of a man who went on a staff night out and he went to literally a nightclub and got a protein shake out of his pocket and gave it to the barman and said, can you put that in the fridge for us?

And then in the middle of the dance floor opened up a foil packet and everyone thought he was like getting out like Pablo Escobar levels of cocaine, like a fucking ounce of cocaine. But it was a chicken breast that he started eating in the middle of the dance floor and everyone was like, to have a fucking night off, lad. Just horrendous. Yeah. The fact that they kept it in the fridge for him.

I mean, the Dormin aren't doing their job. That's a nightclub, lad. He's brought in a fucking pint of liquid and he's brought in foil. Hey, honestly. Do you remember, I think it's changed its name now. It used to be called the Glass Spider in Sunland. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd get food at the middle of the night.

Do you remember? Yeah, that was me. It was up at five in the morning. The chips and burger at five in the morning. Yeah, I got nachos and that. Nachos? Aye. What do you call cheese?

That's not yours. Don't. Don't. Please. Don't. Please. Don't do it. Don't do it.

Nacho cheese! I'm gonna write that down. Robin will love that. Nacho cheese. That's the level guys. Funny voices and jokes for you at your own. Thank you for listening. It's been fun. Still getting so many icks right and I know that it's done to death but they're just really interesting. I love them. And actually I think they're not icks, they're beefs. Yeah. Well, depending on the but they're just really interesting. I love them. And actually I think they're not icks they're beefs. Yeah well depends on the fall yeah but yeah I love them. Hi Chris and Rosie please keep me anonymous. My husband always takes a face cloth

in the shower with him and no, oh really I'm so sorry this is would die I don't mean remember this right okay digress the word you're looking for yeah I was gonna say divert but that's like traffic and in the bath the other night the kids right you know and you don't even think that they notice these things but they're getting older and like wise I used the flannel the wash wreaths backside right and he's front and then I wet the flannel I went went to wash Robin's face and he's like, AHHHHH GOD! He's like, MUM! You just washed Rave's bum with that! And I was like, oh yeah man, shut up. Hahahaha.

Like, the proper no don't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well Robin I mean, Rave couldn't give a shit. Ah yeah, oh god. Hahahaha. Yeah, he's not a fan of that kind of crack. No, so now he'll fan of that kind of crack. No, so now he'll never use that flannel ever.

He will never use that flannel. That flannel's gone. Might as well burn it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so anyway, my husband always takes a face gloss into the shower with him. And no, not to wash his face or his bits, okay? He does this so he can cover his eyes. So when he washes his hair, the shampoo doesn't get in.

Oh, you've just shut them, you baby. He is 43 years old. What are you doing? You've not got eyelids? It says here, just close your freaking eyes, I feel like. I feel like seeing. So this is what I never understand about people's relationships.

It's always, I feel like seeing this. I wish I could see the, fucking tell him. Say what you're doing. So he, so he washes, sorry. So he doesn't like, why is he not just shutting his it sorry So he doesn't like get wise not to shut his eyes So he doesn't like getting shampoo and his eyes so in his eyes So we put shampoo and he's saying he washed and then when he's rinsing the shampoo off He puts the final on his face. She's fucking waterboarding himself. Yeah, I think he is essentially

Himself it's more the soap. There's more to this story. I hate him I would if I knew him I would every time I would visit his house I would bin that flannel. I would take it home with us every single time. Listen, I wouldn't be having sex within an hour of that, of seeing that. Right, okay. Puts it over, is that what you're doing? It's awful, isn't it? Shut your eyes. I know. Not long ago, his mum stayed over. Oh God, what does she do?

Right. She said to him- She goes in, she gives him these goggles. There's your goggles. No, she said to him, do you wash your hair the same way I do? Oh God, what does she do? Right. She said to him- She goes in, she gives me these goggles. There's your goggles. No, she said to him, do you wash your hair the same way I do? Oh God. It suddenly became very clear when he got this- Where? It suddenly became very clear where he got this wonderful habit. She's a step worse though. She's so scared of getting soap into her eyes,

she leans over the bathtub on her knees, like she's a seven-year-old getting her hair washed by her mum with a face cloth over her eyes. Oh and then lots of vomit emoji face. So it's from the man. Our family's weird. I know people are very weird. So it's just like soap in your, so he has been taught from a very early age that getting soap in your eyes is the worst thing in the world. Oh god, pepper spray him, please. Sorry, I'm really hard. Yeah, no, don't pepper spray him. But you know, maybe just like after shave a perfume

or something just to get a bit of water in my eyes. Soap, soap's not good though. Why don't you get him some of that baby, what are they used to call it, man? No more tears, no more tears, get him some no more tears. Yeah, get him that, that would be good. Fucking rhubarb and strawberry baby shampoo. I've gone rogue recently, you know.

He'd still be like, it still hurts when it goes in. Shut your eyes, you nosy fucker. I've gone rogue recently. We've run out of kids' shampoo, so I've just been using ours. And this is the same. For the kids? I thought their hair looked older.

I thought he'd rob me and he's got a hair for a 45 year old bloke. What have you been doing? Rafe's gone green. Change it back. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Hi Chris and Rosie. Listening to this week's podcast, Dog in Rosie Talking about Star of the Week, broke back some funny school memories that I thought I would share. When I was in primary school, if you were good in class, the teacher would write your name on a little ticket and put it in a box.

Whoever has the most tickets with their name on one star of the week and got to get an award in assembly. I need to pause this right here. I've just remembered. What? I got a text this morning. Yes? Off our long time producer of TV stuff and two years Robin. Yeah? Her and her daughter were in the car this morning listening to last week's podcast episode, specifically where I said, if you were a prefect, fuck you. Right.

My daughter's just got made a prefect. Oh, well done. Oh, you horrible bugger. See? To think you'd be very proud of. Well, you know, I think they need to be taken down a peg or two. And also what I forgot to say last week when we were talking about prefects, when I first saw a prefect badge and I didn't know what a prefect was in the juniors, I misread it as perfect. And I was like, wow, they are imagining getting a badge to wear around school with perfect written on it.

They must be absolute kiss-horses. Anyway, so you'd put the letter, if you did well in the class, the teacher would write your name on a bit of paper, put it in the box and then you'd put the letter, if you did well in the class, the teacher would write your name on a bit of paper, put it in the box, and then you'd what? So whoever had the most tickets won start of the week and would get an award in assembly. Okay, can I, graph would have been better, but carry on.

Graph on the wall so everyone can see what score everyone's on. That's house points. Could have been used for this as well, stupid. So you put it in the box, so then one, you put it in the box, so no one knows where everyone is, no one knows if they've got to put a bit more effort in, and then the teacher's got to count up a little bit to pay by the end of the week. Take this.

This is how this is how they do it. I'm just suggesting a graph. I'm just suggesting a graph. I'm just suggesting a graph. It's all I'm suggesting. I'm saying it so I'm so angry about this. Calm yourself down. Okay, sorry.

I would never win. I don't know how to take this next bit. And like Rosie just desperately wanted attention. No, no, nailed it. Absolutely nailed it. Is that what you guys think about me? Yes. Yeah. So listen to this. I stole a blank ticket, went home, made loads of photocopies on my mom's printer, wrote my name on them and put them in the box when no one was looking the next day at school. No way. I continued to win Star of the Week for three weeks.

Shut up. Before the teachers noticed and called my mum in. Called your mommy. Shot me in the head. Oh, I mean, it's amazing. It's industrious. I'm really impressed. Yeah.

Can't believe it took them three weeks. Tells me they actually didn't really give a fuck about the thing that we're doing. No, no, they were just scribbling shit down. And I don't know if I'd be able to bollock my kid for doing that. If we got pulled in because Robin had done something like that, I'd have to do that thing where you act like you care in front of the teacher. And I don't know how they'd get that like they gave a fuck.

Oh no, I'd tell him off for that. That's like cheating. That's really not cool. Yeah, but I'd be like, what did you do? Photocopy the dome? Fuck you little bastard. McDonald's? No. No? I would not. Why are we so different apparently? That's not something that you could reward. I wouldn't reward it, I would just

McDonald's is a reward. Well coincidentally that night we're getting a McDonald's. I'd make the milk, the milk. You have to get the milk. You have to get how many calories? You have to get the milk. I don't care how many calories it is. You'd be gutted. Neck it. Neck that milk. There's another one here. This family is rogue, right? This family chanters. Another funny one for you. Once my mum got called into school as my little sister, five slash six years old,

was selling Calpol sashes for sweets in the dinner hall. Oh God, that's actually bad. That's bad, because it's got paracetamol in it, if you get too many of them. That's not great. Calpol sachets. Honestly? Oh, the hard stuff. You got any 6 plus?

I'll have to speak to me guy. Oh, 6 plus. I'll have to speak to me guy. Oh, Robin's on 6 plus. It's in his sometimes days, like can I have the old one? Yeah. So I just give him four of them. Oh, I agree.

Four 2.5. I wonder how many calories is in that. You'll be fine. Makes milk look like water. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm So I just give them four of them. Oh I agree. Yeah four two point five. I can't wonder how many calories is in that. Have a yubby thing. Makes milk look like water. Hi both. Would you rather, would you rather, would you rather, would you rather, would you rather suck your mama for your dad? Oh that's the new sting for this section.

That's not the question though is it? No it's not the question it's just... sorry that was really awful wasn't it? That was horrible I'm sorry I don't mean it. It is. Right hi both. Yeah? Would you rather? My friends and I have debated many times and if a new person wants to join the group we always fire it at them to see what their response would be. Like an initiation question. Yeah and if they would fit in with the rest join the group, we always fire it at them to see what their response would be. Like an initiation question. Yeah, and if they would fit in with the rest of the group. I like that. If a new person wants to join the group.

Well, no, because it's true, because it's one of them things. Like it's a formal thing, are you all right with, we've heard you want to join the group. I mean, they're all standing there. Which one's that popular? One of them's got a toothpick,

one of them's just flicking a coin. I mean, leaning up against a wall, they've all got leather jackets on, spiky hair. You want to join our gang chains, they've got wallet chains. Yeah, they've got wallet chains on. You want to join our gang. So initiation, you ready? Would you rather this or that? Answer carefully because, you know, if you answer wrong, you will be going home.

Yeah, well they're cool guys. Back to the library with you. But you can judge because if somebody said to me, if we said this and they went, oh no, I don't like vulgar things, I'd go, bye. Oh yeah, people who don't like swearing. I can't, you're a lovely person and you know, and that's great, but I can't be a really close friend with you because you know, part of my love language is swearing and being very vulgar and disgusting and really inappropriate if I'm honest with you.

There it is. That's how my friendships work. Okay, so are you ready? Would you rather? Yes. Would you rather have a vagina mouth or penis fingers? Oh for fuck's sake. Yeah. What's wrong with everyone? Yes, they are all functioning. In what way? Oh God. In what way? You'd be pissing out your fingers or pissing

out your mouth. I'd have to have the fingers. I couldn't be having a vag mouth. And what way would it be? Because it would have to be sideways, wouldn't it? So, but it functions as a vagina and not a mouth. So, you haven't got a mouth. So, you're gonna die in a couple of days anyway. Oh God, I don't know. I think we've...have we done this on the podcast or have I just thought about this in real life? Maybe...oh no, years ago, years ago, I remember me and my friends used to say, Have we done this on the podcast or have I just thought about this in real life? We did hot dog fingers. Oh no, years ago, I remember me and my friends used to say what about a vagina on your forehead? Right, just wear a cap. Wear a cap really low.

Sensitive little penis fingers though, wouldn't they be? Are they certain sized or not? I hope not because that's sensitivity. Worse isn't it? So either you've got no use of your hands whatsoever, they're just penises. So that's my point. Your point is that they haven't got knuckles and nails. They are just floppy.

So you've got no hands. That's it. So you've either got no hands or you've got no mouth, but there's a vagina there, there's penis there. This is the worst one. If you got turned on though, they'd probably be a bit harder, so then you would be able to do more stuff with them. Five erections on each hand.

Oh God, they'll be pointing back at you. Yeah. High five! Oh god they'll all be like literally if you're turned on they'll be pointing right like double-jointed fingers. You're gone light-headed. Oh god. All the blood rushing to your fingers. Oh that's disgusting. Oh but then yeah but then everyone will be able to tell when you're turned off you have the vagina mouth. You'll be like hey stopling, wipe your mouth, stop dribbling. Oh, God. Stop drooling, stop drooling, stop clacking. Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk, Dear Chris and Rosie, I have a quick question for you and just wondered if you could help clear up whether this is very normal or in fact totally weird and also a bit rank. Okay. Ha ha. I have long brown hair and I'm sure... Rank, weird, oh sorry is that another...

No. Okay. And I'm sure as a fellow woman, Rosie, yes, you would... Thank you for clearing that up. You know what it's like with stray hairs appearing all over the house and on floors etc. Yes I do. When taking a clean load out of the washing machine I sometimes find a small clump of them which have gathered together during the cycle. Some people do have loads of hair that falls out. Some people have moulds, big

thick old heads of hair. Every time we make Angela's bean round I'm like Angela's bean because it's just long dark hair everywhere. And I'm sure it's been talked about on the podcast before how they even end up in your cracks after washing your hair in the shower, like in your arse crack. Lovely. Yeah, it does happen sometimes. Not to me that often. I'm really trying to keep my hair's gone so thin since having kids. So like, God I'd push it back in. Got you. Right having kids. So like, God, I'd push it back in. Got you. Right. Okay. However, Yeah?

Maybe this is on a different level. Mm-hmm. But my boyfriend regularly, in brackets, I'd say once or twice a week, Right? Will pull one of my hairs out from his penis and remove it from under his foreskin, where it has wrapped itself around and got stuck.

Oh my god! I know. Grotting is being...oh! What do you think of that? I think it's fucking disgusting! Turning my vagina radiate there off, it's getting a bit hot. Erm, yeah that's... From under his foreskin?

Yeah, once or twice a week. What the hell's going on? Dunno. Is he humping her head in the middle of the night in the sleep? Is he a headhumber? Do middle of the night in the sleep? Does he, is her head humber? Do you think, so she's probably, I mean, listen, they're gonna listen to this.

Yeah? And you know, do you think he's doing that for sexual pleasure? And he's like, oh, your hairs, your hairs get everywhere. Don't they, oh God. I can't imagine a hair around a, a hair around a bellowing would be the worst thing ever. People stick headphone wires up their tiddlers.

Fair point. Come on. A bit of hair wrapped around. A bit of extra, like, you know, tension. That's so weird. How often is she molten and where is he put in his dick is my two questions. Where is he put in his dick? He says how this can sometimes be slightly painful and jokes how one day he's gonna accidentally

circumcise himself with a strand of my head hair. That's the worst. That's just absolutely disgusting. Is this normal? Has it ever happened to you guys or any of your fellow listeners? Has it happened to you guys? Has it ever happened to you? No. You ever had hair around the end of your dick? No. Never ever? Never ever?

No. I'm a very clean person. I don't think it's got anything to do with being clean or anything. It has because I don't know what the hell's going on. What is just, you've got to, there's got to be a level of, the hay has to be there for a while for it to end up getting wrapped around your dick. So it's have to be in your underpants or some way.

Do you think they sleep naked though? Possibly. So then if it's in the bed. I'm telling you, he's humping her head in the middle of the night. He's getting a hand, she's asleep. He's getting, get one of them, you know the app on your phone that records your sleep.

And you just hear him getting a handful of your hair and just sticking it. I'm telling you. Awful. The hell's going on? I think maybe the thing that this is that she molds more than most people. Right. I think that might be what the what the answer is to that. Yeah. Yeah. Or is he or the banging like heavy metal? And while she's head banging as he got his

pants off and as he windmill and is it just catching it in mid-air? Maybe. Email back, let we know. Yeah, I don't. I'm not that long. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Hi Chris and Rosie, please keep me anoony noomish. Absolutely. I've finally written in to tell you my revenge story, which could include a a Rosie's mysteries. Revenge story? Revenge from what? It's a revenge story, a story that ends with something about revenge. Did you just make that up? No it's from Mean Girls and Musical. I wish I'd made that up. God would you have been impressed? No.

It's a revenge party, a party that ends with somebody's head on his bike and ugly crying. It's a good song. Anyway, several years ago, my mum was cheated on by her then partner of many years. Oh heavens. Sorry. She had an inkling that he was up to something and finally the day came along when she caught him red-handed in the act. After many weeks of still living in the same house as him,

albeit very hostile and uncomfortable, the time came when she was going to move out. During the week, she slowly moved her belongings out and into her new home, returning for the larger furniture and bits at the weekend. I helped throughout the week and used the opportunity to facilitate my revenge. I had a plan. Oh, okay, okay, here right, all right. Okay. It's a shame. Okay. My mum's ex-partner had

a bit of a sweet tooth. Okay. Sitting down to a dessert of some kind every evening. Oh nice. And therefore always had a stock of frozen delights in the freezer. Delights? Like just frozen stuff, like ice cream, treats, cakes, blah, blah, blah. Frozen delights, I like that. Yeah. We got any delights in? Could we make like a dessert and call it frozen delights?

Is that being done? Are you trying to make a company? Chris, I'm an entrepreneur. I'm always trying to make- No, we're busy. Stop it, delete. Do you remember mini pancakes? Findus mini pancakes? Crispy pancakes. Crispy pancakes. Yes. They were nice then, weren't they?

They were amazing. Lived on then. Right, okay. Don't know where that came from, but carry on. Neither do I. Not even sweet. No. Savory. No. Your head's a fucking pinball machine. Come on. Try living here. Back in the room. Hurt man. I put my plan in motion while helping her move some belongings midweek. I opened the chest freezer of a chest freezer. Chest freezer? Someone stay in there you dirty cheater! And took out a gato from near the bottom so as not to make it unnoticeable that one had gone missing. Gato? Like a frozen...

I know, I was just decked in a gato. I love a chocolate, a Sarah Leigh chocolate gato. Can't bear a gato. Like a frozen. I know it's just stuck in a gato. I love a chocolate, Sarah Lee chocolate gato. Can't bear a gato. Holy. Worse than that. Oh, you're wrong. Get it in the bin. Leave it to defrost for like three hours and then it's just done. Make your mind up. Are you a cake or are you an ice cream? Make your mind up. A mousse. No, it's mousse man. Awful. It's mousse. Awful. Placed it in my car and took it home with me. Right. Once home, I carefully opened the cardboard box, took the g ghetto out and left it on the worktop, allowing it to defrost.

Right. This could be the Rosie's mysteries part. But it's defrosting, but they don't lose their shape, of course. What do you think she's gonna do? I'm thinking if it's on the bench, it's in the kitchen, it's not on the toilet yet, so feces and urine are on the back burner for me.

But your cat foods and your dog foods, I'm thinking you're gonna taste meat in that immediately. It's like that's a one bite and gone. I'm thinking possibly soil or cat litter. Okay. Okay. Okay. Right. Little chunky crunchy bits of dog chocolate or cat chocolate? Okay, okay. Okay. All right.

Little chunky crunchy bits, or dog chocolate or cat chocolate or something, dog chocolate. Am I wrong on all counts? You are wrong. Fucking hell. Okay. What's left?

You were closer. Well, you didn't really give us a real answer. You just kept going around the house with the different stuff. Sponk, sponk. You're wrong, you're wrong. You're wrong. Fanny juice.

You are wrong, shut up. Oh no. While defrosting, I took myself to the toilet and had a wee in a container. Oh fantastic. Okay here we go. Frozen wee. Fantastic. Okay. Okay. Just enough to satisfy my revenge. Right. With the gato now soft, nice. I poured the wee all over the gatto, watching it soak into the cream and sponge. Not content with this, I placed the gatto in the back garden beside an ants nest, allowing the busy little creatures to fill their faces with the Sarah Lee.

It was a Sarah Lee gatto. Oh, I'm sure there'll be buzzing to be mentioned in this horrific tale. There you go. Sorry, I love a Sarah Lee gatto. This is nothing to do with Sarah Lee. Soda wands apparently. After a while, I retrieved the gatto, carefully replaced it into the box, discreetly sealed the side up, leaving the box looking as it had just come out the factory and popped it in my freezer until the weekend.

And poor hands. The weekend came and I returned to help move the larger items, gatto in tow. People were moving bits and bobs in and out so I had to get my timing just right, Chris. As luck would have it though, the chest freezer was in the utility room so it was easy to access. And when the coast was clear, with a wry smile on my face, I popped the ghetto back where I took it from, leaving it looking like it had never left the freezer for its little adventure, to her pissy back garden. To this day, it gives me great satisfaction knowing that one night, he would have sat down to enjoy a lovely creamy sweet dessert laced with whee and enjoyed by ants.

Revenge certainly is very sweet. I mean one you're a psycho, two how much did the hot piss melt that ghetto or change the colour of it because there's a chance he opened that and went the freezer's turned this bad and slugging straight away. I'm sorry to burst your bubble here. Why are you cheating on let her live in a world where he's Eating her piss. Okay Okay in a perfect world with that new lass that you cheated on your mom with He might have done a bit of food play and you might have been let's have a gatto and they might have rubbed it all Over each other and ate it. Ants piss and you were involved technically they had a free some with you and some ants and your piss

Well done. Don't be fucking proud of yourself and Sarah Lee get in touch if you'd like to send Listen has it put you off one-to-one not me. I don't like anyway. I'm gonna drive to farm foods now What would you want would touch one with an ant stick? Why what is it that you don't like about them because Because I love that. I love the mousse and the chocolate, the sponge. All of it. All of it. The sponge is too light. Don't like it.

The mousse is just, mousse is pointless. What's mousse? What are you doing? I love mousse. I love chocolate mousse. Only eat mousse if you've had your jaw wired up in some kind of accident. No, I don't believe in that.

It's just not a thing. I don't like the chocolate on them. The chocolate's never very nice. It's always a mix of dark and light. I just don't like it. Hey, I tell you what, prove us wrong if you want, but I don't like, oh on them, the chocolate's never very nice, it's always a mix of dark and light. I just don't like a gato. Hey, I tell you what, prove us wrong if you want, but I don't like, oh, am I gonna do it again? Am I gonna be Mr. Gato next week?

Are you gonna get a gato in America? Hang on, hang on though. No, hang on though. You are, you're sitting here going, I don't like, have you ever had one? Oh, you haven't? You haven't? No, you haven't.

I think I've had a gato. Oh God, you're gonna love a gato. I don't like the idea of a gato. I don't think I've had one. Am I gonna have one? I think I've had one. I. I think I've had a Gato. Oh God, you're gonna love a Gato. I don't like the idea of a Gato. I don't think I've had one. I might have had one. I think I've had one. I don't think I like a Gato. It's like a Viennetta.

Is a Viennetta a Gato? It's nothing like a Viennetta. I like Viennetta. I love Viennetta. It's nothing like, do you honestly think it's like Viennetta? No, I think it's like a cake. It's defrosted, it's a cake.

It's a creamy cake. So my thing is, I don't like a cake. You're such a prick. I don't like a cake. You've never even had one before. I don't like a cake that looks like it's trying to be the fucking Disney castle. I don't like too much going on. I a prick. I don't like a cake. You've never even had one before. I don't like a cake that looks like it's trying to be the fucking Disney castle. I don't like too much going on.

I like a sponge with a bit of icing on. Right. I don't like all of this. You said that you literally, you literally did nothing but slag off toasted tea cakes for years and now you haven't won nearly every other day. Well that's bullshit because no I haven't but I do have one now and then. Yeah. Okay.

Right. Right I'm gonna get with cattle. Ah. You're gonna love it. You're gonna love it. How much proteins in a cattle? Ah, men. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba. Do do do do do do.

Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Mind annoyed, which is part of the Acast Create the Network. It is, it is, it is, and we are and it is, and thank you very much for listening. If you wanna get in touch at shagmindannindingord at gmail.com, please remember to follow or subscribe or whatever the hell it was that the people in the office were telling me about. I should have been listening.

I might find out the full details for you one day or I might not. Just like and subscribe or follow or look, I don't know. I don't know because guess what? I don't listen to podcasts because I'm a massive prick. Bye. Bye. because I'm a massive prick. Bye! and just five bucks with a small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none.

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